Smut Club

Well, hello all you beautiful people.

You know what time it is.

Ladies and gents, guys and dolls and

everyone in between.

Gather around. Get you something real

nice to sip on and comfy to slip on.

Cuz it's time for Smite Club. Here's

your hosts, Chelsea and Hannah.

Announcement time. Um, so we have been

doing this podcast for several years

now. Um, we launched in 2022 and we've

built such a wonderful community over

these last several years and are looking

for new ways to kind of expand and be

able to connect more deeply. So, the

first one of those ways that we've been

talking about is life coaching. um which

is a chance to work one-on-one

individually to help make life feel a

little less sticky. Um spots will be

limited as we launch that. So if you're

interested, we will have a link in our

show notes and in our Insta bio. So

definitely go and join the wait list so

that as soon as we launch, you are first

in line to grab a spot. And if life

coaching really doesn't feel like a good

fit or not quite your jam, but you're

still interested in connecting and

engaging more with our community, we are

also looking into launching a book club.

So, if you're interested in that option,

follow the same link and uh you can get

on the wait list for that as well. And

now back to the show.

Hey everybody and welcome to Smut Club.

I'm Hannah. and I'm Chelsea. And this is

the show where we are two licensed

professional counselors and life coaches

who enjoy daydrinking and reviewing

romance novels of varying caliber. And

since this episode is dropping very

firmly rooted in the holiday season,

happy holidays.

Happy holidays. We hope that the end of

your 2025

has been g more gentle than like the

rest of this year has been for most

people.

Yeah.

Let's all end on a positive note, you

know?

Yes, absolutely. Yes.

I'd say end the year strong. That might

be too big of an ask.

Just finish the year

putting good energy.

Just finish the year.

Like, no, Chelsea, no comma. No comma.

Just a period. No, but yes, with hope

for 2026,

I know I've told you this before, but I

will never forget when I looked at a

client in session and I was like, "Hope

is never foolish." And she dead ass

looked me back in the eye and went, "Is

that sarcasm?"

It's different for me because my

sister's name is Hope and

Hope is never foolish.

We make a lot of jokes about that. Yeah.

Well, and I also feel like hope is

something that ends up on a lot of

holiday decor, like hope and joy and

peace and tidings and blessings and

Yeah. And my sister is not the person to

have that sort of decor.

No, your sister does breakdowns of alias

on YouTube.

She does.

That are blessings to everyone who

watches them

with wigs. the commitment that she has.

The commitment is incredible. But yeah,

not the person who's like

she has a sign in her kitchen that says

tits out bits out doing God's work like

in live laugh love script.

Oh, I might need that sign.

Yeah, I don't know where she got it.

I'll ask.

It can go above my fake taxiderermy

narwhal bust.

I was going to say right over the

narwhal. right over the narwhal bust,

which is still one of my favorite pieces

of art that my husband purchased for me

by a local artist in Nashville.

Very good.

Cuz I also don't think I told Vance an

animal. I was just like, "Hey, like I

really like this artist and would love

to support their work."

And then he's like, "Here's a narwhal

bust." And I'm like,

"You love me so well.

You're such a good husband, bro.

This is the one for sure.

I mean, a decade in, one would hope.

We're we're pretty committed at this

point.

You just have a home and a child

together, but like I don't know. Are you

sure? Did I tell you when I had been

talking to my tattoo artist who was

engaged at the time and we were doing I

have a V on my ring finger. But also

like it's a V that I'm like we have an

like god forbid anything happen. I need

to to change it. That V can be flipped

upside down. It's an A now. We throw a

line across the center, right? Like we

have ways to pivot out. God forbid we

ever need them.

But when she was doing it, I asked I was

like, "Would you ever get like a tattoo

on your ring finger for your fiance?"

She was like, "Maybe once I've birthed

his child."

And I was like, you know, that does feel

like a good level of commitment for like

tattooing

someone. Well, so my husband and I have

I have a Jack Skellington doll on my arm

and he has the Sally version.

Yeah. So when we stand next to each

other, they're facing each other and

it's very cute, but like you would never

know that. Like unless I just now told

you. So,

right.

I mean, yeah, my husband has a mircat

for me, which no one

then I also got the mircat cuz I just

love mircats, but I got the penguin for

him, but I don't think anyone looks at

the tattoo.

No,

I do think that's part of it, right?

Like

I have a very dear friend. Her and her

husband have their full not like say

full government name.

Yeah. Not full government names but like

their full first like

it's not like a symbol. It's not just

something alluding to them. It is like

me just having a tattoo that says

Hannah,

right?

In very large letters.

And then also like

when your marriage hits a rough patch

and you're like,

"Well, I just have this wamp wamp." Like

I'm like, "Yeah, I never want anything

to happen to my marriage because I'm

obsessed with my husband and really like

value my marriage and fight for it. And

I'm also like, you know, god forbid

something happen, none of my tattoos

will be that uncomfy."

Nope.

Sorry, Vance. as the one who edits this.

We love you.

You're the best. Nothing's ever going to

happen. We're going to live together

forever. Much like Van Helsing in Hotel

Transylvania 3 summer vacation.

Yes. Okay. There's a deep cut.

Yeah.

Jim Gaffigan is the voice.

Nice.

Yes.

A pocket.

His sorry.

Speaking of deep cut.

Wow. That is a deep cut.

That's what I like.

Old school gem of him. pocket. Oh wow.

Feel like you just unlocked some like

core

Yeah.

comedy memories.

Mhm.

Like I remember listening like having

like comedians on like CD.

Yes.

And being like, "Oh, this track is the

best."

Yes.

I had like a Mitch Hedber one and like

I can't remember what all I had, but

they were excellent. I saw a clip of

someone on Tik Tok recently who was like

had very like stoner comedian vibes and

there was just a comment that said close

enough. Welcome back M welcome back

Mitch Edber.

And I was like a rip.

Yeah.

But also it is wild like being like a

more lucid adult and listening back on

some of his standup when I was like oh

you were out of your mind on drugs when

you recorded this.

It's less funny

a little. Yeah. I'm like, man, I could

really laugh through some things that I

just didn't understand.

Yeah, because we didn't have the

context. But that's what growing up is

about,

which is kind of lame,

which is the context for this book,

actually.

Oh, I really love how we've Okay, way to

land that play. Way to bring it full

circle. What is today's book? I guess we

should get there already. My bad.

Happy holidays, everybody.

Um, it is The Nightmare Before

Christmas. So, my Jack Skellington

tattoo,

your tattoo is also

on theme.

Is that why you chose this book?

Um, I do love The Nightmare Before

Christmas and so the title is what got

me interested, but it really doesn't

have anything to do with like the actual

movie or anything. Um, but yeah, it's

pretty fun and it's by Sarah Rash. Rash.

It's R A S C H.

Oh yeah, re

re perhaps.

Sorry that we're butchering your last

name. Please let us know how you would

like it pronounced so we won't [ __ ] it

up in the future. Not that we're [ __ ]

it up now. We're trying our best. We're

still honoring you.

I was I just now was like maybe I should

have looked that up.

Walls.

Sorry.

But

but that also feels like a last name

that you can meet like three different

families who all have the same last name

and all pronounce it

differently. Yeah, just a little bit

different.

Yeah.

So, I think it's okay that we didn't

have this one perfect. We can be gentle

with ourselves.

We can because that's the energy we're

carrying into 2026.

Oh, yes. This is all about our positive

transitional energy.

We're doing it.

We're doing it. Look at us go. We're

making it happen. So, we open with Cole.

So, his name is actually Nicholas and he

chose the nickname Cole and that is his

energy. So he is Santa's eldest son.

And so some context basically the

each holiday has a court like a king and

of each holiday.

So this is not contemporary.

It is.

Oh it is contemporary.

So their their court system is laid on

top of our world. Right.

Okay. So they are all like

there's some kind of magic or whatever

where to outsiders who are not part of

the holiday courts the royals are just

like foreign royals and like so they are

known to the world but they're not like

known to the world

there. Yeah. It's just like being like

oh yeah like we're ambassadors to this

place and people like oh cool you're a

foreign diplomat here welcome.

Yeah. Okay. Exactly. So,

he is the absolute black sheep [ __ ] of

the family. Like well doumented,

well-known

prankster, never takes anything

seriously, kind of always goofing off.

And um he is currently getting drunk

because he accidentally caused the

economic collapse of a small nation.

because he granted everybody's Christmas

wishes in the middle of June and granted

every wish.

So

just of the capital city.

I can't believe he would do that to

Govia,

right? Like exactly. I didn't even write

down the name of it cuz I was like this

is a madeup place. I'm not going to try

to pronounce it.

But I also kind of like imagining

there's a crossover with Princess

Diaries.

Yeah, there is a little like there's a

lot of interesting energy in this one

that's very enjoyable.

So, did he get drunken accidentally like

or it was just like

like when like the HBO intern

accidentally sends out an email to all

subscribers?

More like that.

So, he did it on purpose.

Oh.

But we don't at this point understand

why. He thought that he was helping and

so but like we have no context. He's

drunk. He's spiraling. The news is on in

the bar he's in and it's like rioting in

the streets of the capital of such and

such nation and he's like [ __ ] Also,

this is not the point at all.

There's political unrest in Nepal. Sure.

At least I'm pretty sure that's where

this was. But I was laughing cuz there

was this whole video of riots in the

street and then like a tour bus like

like a bus filled with tourists starts

coming through and the streets like open

wide and they all pause from their

rioting and like there's like a burning

building in the background and they're

all just like waving at the tour bus

and then the bus gets through and they

just keep on riding and then I saw and I

haven't fact checked this But I saw a

comment where they were like, "Oh yeah,

one of the politicians left their like

physically disabled wife behind when all

of this started." And the people all

paused, gathered together, got her to

the hospital and got her admitted and

then continued with their roite riot of

all time.

Yes,

Polite Riot. Side note, would be a

fantastic band name.

That is a really great band name. Yeah,

like I heard myself say it and I was

like, "Oh my god, incredible."

Should we start that?

I was going to say, "Did we just start a

band?"

Vance is going to be damn it. Yet

another side project of Chelsea and

Hannah's that I have to mix and produce

that he's going to be largely

responsible for.

It's your fault for having a recording

studio.

What did you expect? Um,

okay. So that's not the riots that are

happening here, but that is more think

of.

So um his brother Chris shows up um and

um

Nicholas and Chrysalis.

Yes.

Okay. Yeah. So Chris is trying to be

supportive like he's not really saying

anything. He just shows up and he's

there, right? Um and his dad calls,

Santa calls.

[ __ ] fuming. Like, how dare you?

Like, you're an embarrassment to

Christmas. I can't believe you would do

this. Like, a whole riot.

Being an embarrassment to the Christmas

courts.

Yeah.

Okay.

Mhm. So, um

I still don't have the context. He

thought he was helping.

He really did. So, this is where like he

starts to try to tell his dad and his

dad shuts him down. So, he's like, "I'm

just not going to tell anybody. Like,

I'm not going to tell anybody why I did

what I did. It doesn't matter." like I

really messed up.

And um his girlfriend also broke up with

him over this because the news broke at

her birthday party and they had like a

huge

blowout like in the middle of her party

and which is also especially unfortunate

because he is best friends with his

girlfriend's sister. Her name is Iris.

Um, and they are Easter princesses.

Yeah, I like it. Um,

I mean, flowers do make sense for the

names of the

Exactly. Lily and Iris. Lily really

never comes up again, but Iris does

quite a lot. So, they um Chris is trying

to be supportive and he's like, I I

can't do this. Like, I can't do this. He

is um in school. He is a rising junior

in college and he has no idea what he's

doing with his life. He just can't seem

to do anything right and he's like I'm

just I need some air. And so

how many kids does Santa Mr. Claus Mr.

Claus Dr. Claus

King Claus

King Yeah, it is a court system. King

Claus. That's valid.

Um he has two sons. So Cole is the

eldest and Chris is the younger.

Yes. Nicholas and Chrysalis.

Yes. So um he

leaves the bar as Iris is showing up.

He's like, "I'm sorry. I can't do this.

Like I'm just going to go step outside

and there's a guy who follows him out or

like comes out a few minutes after and

he's super hot and Cole is like, "That's

unfortunate because I'm not going to do

anything about that because I am the

worst piece of [ __ ] on the planet." But

he's pretty hot. Like

he's like, "I'm having a bad day. I do

acknowledge that that man across the

room is very attractive, but not really

where my head's at given the economic

collapse I caused."

Yeah. Yeah.

You know, I get that.

Yes. and they are they wind up in like

the back alley of the bar and they have

this weirdly like deep and intimate

conversation that really only happens in

a college bar at 1:00 a.m. You know that

kind where it's like

Wait, pause. I haven't had that much

wine, but I do think I'm slightly

confused.

Cole is the Cole has gone outside to get

some air. random dude follows him out

there.

Chris is the college student or Cole is

a college student.

They both are.

They're both college students.

Cole is the point. And so he is a rising

junior. He's about to start his junior

year.

I definitely interpreted that. I was

like I thought we were talking about

Chris being a rising junior and I was

like

so we're setting up the brothers book

with the hot which okay so there is a

book at some point but we Cole is the

one

how did they end up in the alley? Does

that matter or is that one of those

where you're like you know I read the

the paragraph three times and

they ended up outside. Cole like

wandered to the back of the bar and went

out a door because he wanted space and

this guy followed him and he thinks it's

a bartender because he went through like

an employee only door or something.

And so they have this very deep

conversation about like do intentions

matter and like hope for the future and

like what's the point of it's very

nihilistic.

this guy is just very sweet and they

have this really lovely moment and then

um

they make out and Cole he like pulls

back and he is like yeah I am a piece of

[ __ ]

Wait, what?

He's like I am having an existential

crisis. I don't know this man's name. I

just stuck my tongue in his mouth. So

this is good. This is This is rock

bottom. He's like fully spiraling.

If that's your rock bottom, there are

far worse rock bottoms.

I mean, it was more the cherry on top of

the riots.

You're like, "Hey, Chelsea, keep the

riots in mind."

Forefront. Forefront. Um, so, um, he

also is like, "I shouldn't have been

talking this much with a normie. Like,

this guy's not part of the holiday

court. I like I'm doing too much right

now.

Okay,

I'm doing too much.

And so he turns back around and the guy

is gone and he's like that's really

bizarre, but whatever.

And throughout the book we get cute

little group text exchanges between like

Cole, Chris, and Iris.

Okay.

Um, and it's super sweet and supportive.

But this particular text exchange is

Chris and Iris think that he was so

drunk that he made this guy up. They're

like, "There was no guy. There was no

guy."

Are you okay? Was he really cute?

The things we make up when we're that

inebriated.

Mhm. You okay, buddy?

You know that for a long time. I thought

the word was ineated.

I did not know that.

Yeah. And I'd be like, "No, I'm not

inegreatated."

which did not help my point.

I swear officer, I'm not

inated. Listen, I'm using a multi-elabic

word here. That's how you can tell I'm

sober.

Backfired.

Here's the thing. I could have been

sober. Unfortunately, it's like the

whole levity brevity situation.

Oh,

it's like that time I said erotic

instead of erratic in a meeting and

didn't notice and nobody said anything

until after the meeting. I still think

about it. It was like 10 years ago.

Yeah. Yeah. Unfortunate. Maybe that's

why I also don't listen to a lot of our

recorded episodes cuz I Right.

I'm like, "What did I say?"

I'm like, "My bad. Whatever I said is

frankly none of my business." So,

that's why when clients are like, "I

thought so much about what you said."

I'm like, "Fuck."

Oh, yeah. It's

I hope it was all right.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah. I won't say that like I speak

flippantly or casually in session, but

there are definitely times where like

people will quote me back to me and I'm

like

that that was me. I'm like sometimes

they'll do it and I'm like

damn like I'm good. Are you sure that

was me? Sometimes I do it and they like

they say it back I'm like oh it is

almost like I've dedicated my entire

adult life to this career and I'm

actually pretty decent at it. Who would

have thought? Oh my god. So, this is a

even further rabbit hole, but for those

of you who've been listening for a

while, you know, my husband and I have

found ourselves deeply involved in our

HOA sort of against our own will and

well, against my will, but um we had a

meeting last night and the one of the

board members was like, "Yeah, so I

think I'm just going to get up there and

I'm going to say like, you know, if you

haven't paid your dues, make sure you

do." And I was like, "Well, I wouldn't

necessarily do that. If they're at the

meeting, they paid, right? So maybe say

this instead." And I like get he was

like, "That's really good." And I did

that a few times and at the end he was

like, "You're really good. You're really

good." And I was like, "I literally make

my money doing refframes, bud. That's

all I've been doing this whole time.

Like

I make my money off of refframes.

Follow-up announcement time.

Announcement two, Electric Booaloo.

Friendly reminder that if you have any

interest in life coaching or Smut Club

book club with your fellow smut [ __ ]

follow the link in our Instagram bio or

the show notes.

So, we're doing a time jump. So, it is a

year and a half later.

So, okay. after.

So that had been around June, I'm

assuming. So this is now the holidays a

year and a half later.

Correct. So Cole is still struggling,

but he's been working really hard to

like stay straight. Like he has not been

in the news. He has not caused any

waves. Like

was he kind of known for being like a

party boy before as well?

Yeah. Kind of a little bit of like a

playboy. very openly bisexual and kind

of like the the

reputation for being a little bit of a

man [ __ ] and never taking anything

seriously and that sort of stuff. So he

is still struggling with a lot of things

including we find out here that he has

major issues with his mother. his mom

left his dad when he was a child and um

it was really bad. Like that was the

point in Cole's mind where his dad kind

of stopped being his dad and like only

became like he only cared about the

power of Christmas and he didn't care

about his kids anymore. And so his

brother shows up so they can portal

through mistletoe.

Yes.

So his brother shows up and he's like,

"Hey, we got to go home."

Can each court portal through a specific

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. So, um he's like, "Hey, we got to

get home. It's December." Like, "We got

to be home for

it's it's that time of year

for the stuff, you know? This is this is

what we do." And um there's a big fight

about mom. So brother is still

communicating. It's very complicated

dynamics that I'm not going to get into

all the details, but Cole is very

protective of Chris. And the mom is very

kind of chaotic, never follows through

on her word, and is just always hurting

Chris. And so Cole's pretty pissed that

Chris has been communicating with her.

Um, but they travel by mistletoe to

Greenland where North Pole City is,

you know.

Yeah.

I like that we're just choosing our own

adventure with this.

Yeah, it's fun.

It is.

So, they go and we find out here that

their magic is powered by the joy that

is generated by their holiday.

So each holiday has its own power base

based upon the joy that they bring to

the world.

Okay.

So which becomes a very important point

later. So he gets home and immediately

his dad is like, "Yeah, so you're

already enrolled in grad school at Yale,

so you'll be going back. Congratulations

on that." And he's like, "Shouldn't I

have applied or something?" Like what

the [ __ ] like his dad is just very

controlling and very much treating.

So this is not the jovial Santa.

No, this is not a good Santa. This is a

bad Santa.

Well, I was going to say I feel like

no one ever talks about Mr. and Mrs.

Claus having a rocky relationship.

Oh, she left him for another man and is

having a great time

from another court. Was it that

salacious?

A normie, which is worse.

Oh, even worse.

Yeah, which is worse in their world. So

yeah, she like randomly sends pictures

of herself on beaches with this man to

Chris. And that's why Cole is so like,

"Stop talking to her." Like, you got to

stop.

Here's the thing. I'm not going to

vilify the woman.

I'm not going to vilify Mrs. Claus. It

sounds like Mr. Claus had some things he

needed to work through.

There are things we don't know, right?

and he chose not to work through them

because they're having like a basically

uh Christmas December like launch party,

right? And they're doing a tree

decorating and Iris is there. They've

been family friends since childhood.

Okay, I just need to pause cuz every

time you say Iris, all I can think of is

Iris from Love Island this summer.

Oh my god.

I heard her and TJ are back together. By

the time of this episode release, who

can say?

Yeah, apparently

after that whole Pepe cheating

situation.

Yeah, cheating. Who can say?

Right. Right. Right.

Apparently Iris and TJ are back on.

I don't have anything kind to say. It's

not like

walls

unkind. It is unkind. But

anyway,

not even about their behavior. It just

Anyway,

no, it is a very interesting I'm like

this is probably the last I will care

about any of these these people. I was

talking to a coworker yet again because

we watch a lot of the same reality stuff

and we're like,

"Yeah, you don't need a spin-off showing

their lives after. You watch them for 6

to 8 weeks

during the summer." Yep.

You are heavily invested and then you

wish them well.

Yeah.

You close that door. You never think

about them again.

Yep.

And the next summer you get a whole new

batch of people to do it with.

Yeah.

I don't need to follow up on their

lives.

No.

I'm like, I want them to go live happy,

healthy lives. I don't need to know what

they do with them. They provided me the

6 to 8 weeks of entertainment they were

contractually obligated to provide me

and then they they should be able to

move on.

Yeah. It's a short-term investment. Like

I'm not interested in the rest.

No.

Yeah. Yeah. For sure.

Yeah. I'm like I don't

I mean I wish them well, but I'm like I

don't I don't need to do more than this.

But yeah,

I did just see that this week. I'm like,

oh, okay. Interesting.

Interesting. I'll have to make sure

Hannah knows. And now this will probably

be the last time we talk about this

cast.

Probably

because you know what? We're going to

2026. We'll get a new cast in 2026,

which again is the energy we're

bringing. Clean slate.

Clean slate.

Starting fresh.

New cast. Yeah.

Yeah. Starting fresh. Um, so they're at

this tree decorating party.

Mhm.

Iris is there. Cole is still fuming

about the grad school thing, but he's

like, "Whatever. like I'll deal with

that later.

Yeah. To like find out that a relative

set it up for you to continue an

education that you didn't necessarily

know you wanted to continue.

Yeah.

Cuz it's a weird thing cuz Yeah. having

someone be like you're enrolled at Yale

for your masters.

Congratulations.

Right. Like but also like heavy is the

head. Yeah.

Literally, he says it to another holiday

court member. Like, his dad didn't even

didn't even tell him. He told the court

member and Cole happened to be there.

And Cole was like, "The fuck?"

But he can't cause a scene cuz there are

reporters everywhere and he's like,

"Whatever, I'll deal with it later."

However, there's another surprise

announcement. So, they're having like a

really great time because they're best

friends, right? So, he's hanging out

with his best friend and his brother and

he's having a great time. And then his

dad is like, "Attention, please, Iris.

Cole, please come up here."

Um, we are so excited to announce that

Cole and Iris um are now courting and

which they absolutely knew they were

doing.

Yeah. And they will be married at our

Christmas Eve ball

later this month.

Three weeks.

Three weeks.

Three weeks.

And Cole Universities have taken longer

breaks than this engagement,

literally. So Iris, he's watching Iris.

The color like goes out of her and he's

like, "Okay." So neither one of us had

any idea this was coming. Like what the

fresh [ __ ] And so they're like keeping

it together until the announcement ends

and then they book it out of the room.

Hannah,

clearly this is not the plot of where

this was going. But when you said that

the dad was making an announcement,

the narrative I created in my head of

what that announcement was going to be

was that okay, because Junth is

officially in an administrative holiday,

they get their own court. Now,

these are all of the new court members.

And then the love interest was going to

be like part of like another new court

based on new federal administrative

banking holidays.

No, not quite. Not quite.

Literally not at all.

So what we learn here is that Santa has

been consolidating powder power over the

winter holidays. So June does not come

into it yet because he's trying to

expand to spring. So basically Christmas

is growing and absorbing other holidays

in like hostile takeovers. It's like

[ __ ] up, right?

So but we don't get all of that context

right this second. What we do find out

is Chris is deeply in love with Iris.

And so

Cole is like triple [ __ ] He's like

and they're all queer. Like Iris is not

into him. And it he's just like,

is she into Chris at all? Is that the

next book?

We don't know yet. Like there's kind of

vibes, but Chris won't say anything cuz

he doesn't want to like disrupt the

friendship or whatever.

Okay.

But that's part of why Cole is so upset.

And so like they've been best friends

since childhood. And there's all of

these weird politics involved. And Iris

is like there is no way out. Like my dad

has been struggling since my mom died.

If we back out of this now, like his

court is going to say he's not fit. Like

this could be really bad. Not just for

my family, but for our holiday. Like I

don't know how we can not go through

with this without really terrible

consequences for everybody.

Destroying the power source of our

holiday.

Exactly. And so she is very defeated in

this moment, which just makes Cole even

more angry. And so, um, this is all

about power and profit. And Cole's dad

basically comes in with Iris's dad, who

might as well be a scarecrow for all the

good he does. He just stands there like

a shell. And his dad is like, "This is

what we're doing. This is how it's going

to go. You will not [ __ ] this up. You

will take this seriously." Like, like it

very hateful.

Okay. And so Cole does his best to stand

up and even like plead to Iris's dad.

Like is this really what you want for

your daughter? Like seriously,

look at her. Like does it look like this

is something she wants to do? Like he's

more concerned about Iris than he is

about himself in this.

Um but his dad is like, "No, we're doing

this and you're getting married in 3

weeks.

There you go. Have a great night."

So the next morning

Mhm.

delegates from Halloween show up

walls.

Yeah.

Love this.

And they're like, "Hey, I don't know

what kind of [ __ ] you're trying to

pull like consolidating power and trying

to make a monopoly on joy right now, but

we're not into it.

Make a monopoly on joy."

I know. I had to recontextualize this. I

was like, "Let's pretend this is like

Scotland and Wales and Britain." Because

I was like, "These are ridiculous things

to say.

This is instead of joy, it's power and

money." Because I was like, "This

Wales to Scotland being like, I I get

you're trying to build a monopoly on joy

over in Scotland.

We see the kilts. We know what you're

doing. We see the kilts." So, um,

shockingly,

Cole's dad is like, "Hey, hey, hey, I

hear your concern. I am but a benevolent

leader, and so why don't we do this?"

Halloween has an heir, do they not? Send

Halloween's heir, and he and Cole can

compete for Iris's hand.

I see. I see what's about to happen here

and I'm very excited about it.

Yeah.

He's like, "Let's see what happens." So

Cole is livid. He's like, "Okay, so now

you're making this like a [ __ ]

reality show." Like,

yeah. You're like, "It's not just me

marrying my best friend of my entire

life. It's me having to compete to win

her against the air of the Halloween

court

because you're trying to build a

monopoly." And Hannah, all I can think

of is monsters at work. Holy [ __ ]

kind of.

Yeah. Like

where they've taken that show has just

been really clever. Unfortunately, all I

watch is children's movies at this

juncture.

I get it.

Cuz you have Monsters, Inc.

Sure.

Then you have the prequel of Monsters

University.

And then there's the show series that's

Monsters at Work, which takes place

after Monsters Inc. where they're now

using laughter as their like primary

energy source. But there are still other

scream energy companies. So it's like

trying to get everyone to switch over to

this new sustainable source of energy

versus the scream.

Shockingly accurate to this book. We'll

get it. We'll get it.

And that's why whenever you talk about

consolidating joy, I'm just imagining

like the canisters like filling with

with laughter like Allah monsters at

work.

Yes. Yes. So Cole, he's like continuing

to try like even saying like this is not

what our holiday is about. Like why are

we do like this is about true joy and

connection to others. Why are we doing

this?

I don't know. I think consumerism and

competition is what a lot of the

American holiday structure is about at

this point unfortunately.

So Cole realizes like I am speaking to a

wall right now. My dad doesn't give a

[ __ ] about me or Iris or anything

really. He doesn't care.

Yeah.

Um, but we have another cute text

exchange where they're like, "Well, what

the [ __ ] man?" But they changed the

group chat name as in like competition

with each other. So Cole changes it to

two bros in a ho ho ho. And Iris is

like, "Hey Chris, do you still have that

elf on a shelf?" And Cole is like, "You

shut your mouth and don't play dirty."

And he's like, "I do have that elf on a

shelf. In fact, I have more than one."

Cole, be careful. Be careful because

Cole apparently is terrified of Elf on a

Shelf.

So, I told you how we bought a Snoop on

the Stew.

Yes.

Which is very much when he and his

Martha Stewart counterpart

came in. Uh, very much the Teeuver

version.

Snoop is so light-skinned.

I remember looking at it being like, I'm

uncomfy.

Like Snoop looks like a white man who

lives in Miami. Like that is the energy

of our Snoop on the stoop.

But the worst part is we bought one for

a friend as well.

Oh my god.

And they hide theirs around their house

for their daughter. And I'm like I feel

really bad that this is like

That's so good.

What y'all?

That's so good.

Yeah. I'm like there's this feels like

appropriation in some way.

Yeah. Yeah. like this didn't go how I

wanted it to go. Um,

but yeah, so they're not having a good

time and stuff's [ __ ] up, but they're

like

it's a great summary.

We're in this together. Like

I do like their friendship energy and

like they're all like

cuz I feel like some books they like use

that tension to like pit be pitted

against each other.

Not at all.

And I feel like this one they're like

no, we're all still like a team. We're

all still friends and brothers and like

we all still love each other. This is

just like a shitty situation we all have

to navigate.

Yeah. And Iris has basically resigned

herself to like a lavender marriage

where they're both gay and don't really

want to be married to each other. So

they have like people on the side but

like we have to be married kind of

energy. And Cole is like I'm going to

find a way out of this. Like you deserve

better than that. Like we're going to

figure this out.

So there's an alliance on the challenge.

Yes. Yes. called the lavender ladies.

Yes. Yes. I actually like that a lot.

Yes. Now, mind you, their room had been

painted lavender, but it was like

several girls and one gay guy who all

you're like when you look at them, you

would you're like, "Yeah, that would

make sense that they would be the

lavender ladies at the Alliance."

Historically accurate. And I love that

for

And I love that it's continued. And now

like seasons later, that room is not

lavender,

but they're still

But the lavender ladies have lived on.

So, as the lavender ladies, which I'm

comfortable calling this a trio.

Yeah, I feel great about that. Feels

better than

two bros and their ho ho ho. Yeah. Yeah,

I once had a coworker that I had made a

list and handlettered the title and it

just said Michael's holiday hoe down

cuz he was really trying to get his dick

wet that holiday season and I was just

making a list so he could keep them

straight. Priorities, a spreadsheet.

Yeah. Instead, it was like literally

handlettered

Michael's holiday hoown with each of the

names on the inside of my like file

drawer at my desk. So, we like pull it

out and add a name.

That's good.

That's real.

I found a photo of it years later and he

had forgotten about it and was like,

"Oh, this isn't as funny as it was

then." Yeah.

And I'm like,

"Yeah, in real time, this joke hit

harder."

Looking back and having to reconcile

your choices years later

is unfortunate

is less fun for you. I'm still thriving.

So, sorry. I am very much getting us off

track here. This is all me.

You're good. You're good.

My bad.

We're a few days later now.

Okay. And the Halloween court shows up

with the guy from the bar,

the hot guy he made out with that he had

the very insightful Yes. introspective

philosophical conversation with a year

and a half ago.

Yes. This is the Halloween prince. His

name is Hex

and Cole is Shookth.

Is that short for something?

No. I mean it might be, but

not not Hector.

No, just Hex.

could be

Hector is part of the Halloween court,

right?

That makes more sense.

Yeah. And so, um, he's super gorgeous

and Cole is like, "Well, we're not

paying attention to that. We've spent a

year and a half not being a [ __ ]

We're not going to start now. Buckle it

up." Like, no, no, no.

And Chris and Iris are like, "Oh my god,

he was real bananas." Because this whole

time they've been like, "Remember that

guy you made up?

Remember when you accidentally collapsed

that entire economy and then you were so

upset afterwards? Your delusional brain

made up that you made out with a a hot

rando?"

Mhm.

And they're like, "Oh, our bad. You

weren't crazy."

Yeah. Oh, there he is.

Oh, yeah. He is cute. Literally,

good for you.

Yeah. Like, great job.

So, um, he eventually gets Hex alone.

Um, and he's like, "Hey, um, the fuck."

And Hex is like, "Yeah, I've known who

you were this whole time. I thought you

knew who I was and just didn't call me.

Like, I haven't been hiding from you."

And Cole's like, "Oh, no. I'm just super

self-centered and never paid attention

to other holidays is what happened." And

he's like, "Good. Yes, I love more

evidence of the work I need to do on

myself." Great. I'm having a great time.

But, you know, I do like that he used

this feedback for a moment of

introspection. And that's what most of

this is, is him really thinking about

like

the kind of person he wants to be as a

grown-up. Like, he's been digging

around. He's 21, 22 and he's like,

"This is not as fun as it was. Like, I'm

not having a good time and I'm having I

have big boy consequences now and I

don't like it. I need to do something

different." And it's really nice. So,

um, Cole is like, "Oh, I need to

apologize to him. Like he just happened

to walk out of a bar and into an

emotional conversation and then I stuck

my tongue in his mouth. Like I'm so

sorry that I did that to you. And Hex is

like, "Hey, no stress. You did not

initiate that kiss. Have a great night."

And like walks away. And Cole is like,

well, it is funny cuz I was sitting here

being like, I both love an introspective

moment and recognize that I'm like, that

make out took two people

for sure.

And so being like, I just thought you

didn't call me for a year and a half.

I'm like,

you knew who he was.

You could have picked up the phone.

Yeah.

At some point.

Well, and later on he owns that. He's

like,

okay.

You know, but this is all from Cole's

point of view. I forgot to point that

out.

I was actually about to add I was like

now that Hex feels a little more like

firmly seated in the plot. I was curious

if that was going to like shift and have

a jewel. No. Okay, perfect.

Cole. So, um there are more funny text

conversations, jokes about uh like um

Cole's mini candy cane and he's like,

"Minnie, how dare you?" Like it's all

dick jokes. It's very funny.

What was that? What was the book we

reviewed last Christmas where like the

semen was like peppermint flavored?

Monster claws.

Monster,

right? That was the peppermint schnops

that almost killed me.

It'll kill you again for our next

episode.

I was going to say thinking back on it

and knowing what happened to my

gallbladder this year, perhaps I

exacerbated it with peppermint schnops.

Now that I think about it, is this the

day that Matt is going to have to drive

to our house to collect you? You've

always been able to drive home after

recording.

Will recording another episode with

Peppermint Schnops be what finally takes

us out? You know, time will tell.

We shall find out. Stay tuned. So, um,

the next day Cole is like, "Hey, I'm

going to get breakfast for Iris and like

we're going to talk cuz we got to figure

out what the [ __ ] is going on, right?"

Yeah.

This is something he does all the time.

Like goes and gets breakfast and they

have it together in her room. And now

he's like, "Now it's going to look like

I'm like courting her or some shit."

Like every single thing I do for my best

friend is now going to be under scrutiny

and this [ __ ] sucks.

But he does it anyway.

Yeah. I'm also like that one still feels

pretty

innocuous all things considered like

Yeah. Yeah. And this is also where he

starts to realize like she's holding

things back from him a little bit and

he's like

it's because I'm the jokester and like

maybe she doesn't

think she can trust me or something.

It's more introspection trying to figure

out like

where he can be more supportive of her

in this whole situation.

Yeah. And um he's like also cuz she

makes a joke about like how hot Hex is

and like how cute they would be together

or something. And he's like, "Hey, um I

love that you're trying to lighten this

for me. Please don't joke about that. Do

not let me anywhere near him. Like I

will [ __ ] this up for all of us. This is

like this not a joke.

He's too much of a temptation."

Yeah. Um, and Iris is like, "Oh, you're

serious?" Okay. Okay.

Doesn't last long because it's sleigh

racing day. And so, annually they have a

sleigh race and it's very competitive.

Um, and Hex is clearly very

uncomfortable with like getting in a

sleigh. He's like, "This seems kind of

dangerous. I've never driven one before.

Like, what the fuck?"

Yeah. I do also like that they have all

of these like long-standing

Christmas traditions

that Hex just now has to do in all of

this as part of the competition to win

the Easter princess's heart that

she's like I really

that's like this is clearly also like a

fake competition like nobody has said it

out loud but Cole is like obviously like

well and is it all like this the typical

traditions like the slay play racing

that they do that are now they're being

pitted against for the competitions or

will they have their own?

So that was Santa's

intention. But Iris, even in my notes, I

wrote out the word consmate. She is the

consmate wingwoman

because Hex is like, "Yeah, I don't

know." Like

he's trying. He like brings Iris like

dead flowers, but because she's the

Easter princess, they come back to life.

So, it's like Halloween black blooms and

then she touches them and they like turn

purple and the press is like, "Oh my

god, like this is the most incredible

thing that's ever happened." And

that is kind of adorable though.

And Hex is like trying to back out of

the sleigh race. And Iris is but Cole's

dad is like, "You have to do this. Like,

you're going to do it." And Iris is

like, "That's no problem. He can just

ride with Cole."

And Cole is like, "What did I [ __ ]

say?

He's like, "What did I just say?"

But also, you a real one, Iris.

And she really is. So, they're flirting

a little and they go for the race and

Cole is like, "Hey," as they're This is

the first time they're truly alone like

through this race. And he's like, "Hey,

you know, we could be friends in this.

Like, neither one of us really wants to

be here." Like,

yeah. Like, this wasn't our idea.

Neither of us is like actually pitted

against each other. Yeah,

like not necessarily like help each

other, but like we're not enemies,

right?

That's fair.

And Hex is like, I really appreciate

that and I have to politely decline.

He's like, I don't trust you. I don't

know you. Like,

sorry.

Yeah. He's like,

we made out once a year and a half ago.

Like, you are a stranger.

Yeah. Yeah. And then Cole is like,

that's fair. I bet I could impress him

with how fast I can make this sleigh go,

though. And so he's like totally focused

on the race until Hex falls out of the

sleigh. And Cole is like, "Holy sweet

[ __ ] Like, what have I done?" And like

pulls over and he's like freaking out.

And then Hex pops up and throws snow in

his face and they almost make out and

Oh, well that's cute.

But then Chris shows back up like he

wins the race and doubles back. He's

like, "Hey, you guys good? what's going

on?

Yeah.

Um, and Cole is like,

"Everyone else crossed the finish line

20 minutes ago."

Like, "What you doing, kiddo?"

And Cole is like more and more realizing

all these traditions are [ __ ] And

he's like, "I don't uh like [ __ ] like I

hate it here, but like what am I

supposed to do about it?" kind of

energy.

And so that night at dinner, um, Iris

and Chris are like, "You need to talk to

Hex. like you guys, you need to clear

the air. Like we can feel it. Other

people can probably feel like the

tension between you guys. And so Cole is

like, you know, I'm not trying to make

things harder on you. Like I'm trying

like what am I doing here? And Hex is

like, hey,

maybe cool off. All right. Like chill

out. And Cole is like, I know that I'm

reading into stuff. Like I'm so And Hex

is like, hey, it's cool.

Calm down. We're Hey, have you ever

heard of square breathing?

Yeah. Yeah. And Cole is like, "This is

all a ploy. Like, you don't even have a

chance." And Hex is like, "Hey, I know.

Like, I'm not stupid. And also, um, I've

known the entire time because I'm only

here because your dad threatened my

family and so they sent me here as like

collateral essentially." And Cole

literally like falls to his knees

because he's like, "You're a hostage. Oh

my god, you're a hostage." He's like,

"Holy [ __ ] Holy shit."

And that's why Hex like was like, "Hey,

no, like we're not friends cuz he

thought Cole was in on this whole

thing."

And so this is where we find out

Christmas has been monopolizing

joy around the world intentionally and

using blackmail on other holidays and

it's pretty [ __ ] up. And so

that's why no one is excited about Labor

Day and Memorial Day the same way that

they're excited about Christmas.

Exactly. You get it?

It's because Santa has been pulling a

monopoly on joy.

Yes. And so, um,

they make out some more. Hex is like,

"Hey, it's okay." And then they they

wind up making out in a very intense

moment. And

I'm glad they were able to clear the air

and realize like, cuz absolutely that

makes sense. If you thought that Cole

was in on it the whole time,

right? Right. He's like, it clearly he

is alone here. Like

Hex is completely alone. He doesn't have

any other allies here. And so he's been

very like straight laced and buttoned up

cuz he's trying to protect himself from

like

his family and their entire court. No

pressure.

Exactly. Um and so they have this very

emotional intimate makeout moment and

then Iris comes like booking down the

hall and she's like, "Hey, reporters are

coming now." And Hex,

you a real one, Iris.

She really is kind of the unsung hero of

this. And so,

and regardless of TJ, I do keep

imagining Iris from Love Island as this

Iris regardless because she was a good

hang the entire

She was she was very chill. This Iris

though, I'm pretty sure is mixed race

and like has very long like box braids

and stuff like that. She only wears the

color purple as an Easter princess.

I can make this work for how I'm

very fair. Fair. Um,

so Hex is like,

she loves purple

lavender ladies.

So Hex is like, I've enjoyed this time

we've had together. And just like takes

off.

I'm a bounce.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Um, and Cole is like, "Guess it's time

to confront my [ __ ] father." And like

takes off cuz he's so mad. Right. So he

then realizes he like busts into the

office and he's like, "Hex is a [ __ ]

hostage." And his dad is like, "So the

Halloween prince has been telling

stories, has he?" And Cole's like, "Oh,

good. I've put Hex in the line of fire."

Whoops. And he's like, "I overheard him

on the phone talking to his parents."

Right. Yeah. Well, cuz realizing that

your own

parental figures are like

corrupt

and then being like, "Oh,

I have to keep other people safe."

Yeah.

You're not safe. How do I navigate this?

And so, dad buys it. And um he's like,

"Hey."

And like Cole on the fly realizes like

he needs to be a lot more careful in

this. Like his dad is like 10 steps

ahead and he needs to like pull back. So

he's like, "Hey,

listen.

Clearly stuff is going on that I don't

know about. I am your heir. It's time

for me to be more serious. Like I've

been taking things seriously the last

year and a half. it's time for me to

start like training for real to be like

to take over. And his dad is like, "This

is a test of like, you know, how serious

you are."

And here's the truth. we have been

consolidating winter holidays and shows

him like a a spreadsheet essentially

that he has been using blackmail to get

tithes from all these different

holidays. And so most of the joy that's

attributed to Christmas is from other

winter holidays that he has co-opted.

So they must be acknowledging minor

holidays here if they've consolidated

that much because like how many winter

holidays are there? I had that question

also and like there really is no mention

of like is are we talking about like

Hanukkah? Are we talking about like

Quanza? Are giving a winter holiday at

that point? never addressed

New Year's Eve cuz clearly

right Chinese New Year February

already if we're trying to like take

Easter I'm guessing we've already hit

Valentine's Day in our path right

Valentine's Day has actually been they

have been consolidated but his ex Lily

Iris's sister married the Valentine's

Day prince so it's all very messy like

it's all very messy

So Cole is like,

"Also, why is it like

you can't just put it in a Google sheet

that anyone can find?" I don't know if

it was in like a ledger, but it was just

hanging out in his office, whether it

was on his computer or in a book. Like,

regardless, I feel like that level of

corruption, you need to know what's

happening in your heart. You do not need

the paper trail. And I'm not even

encouraging the corruption. I'm just

saying if you're going to do corruption,

do it correctly.

Any low-level bookie knows you need like

a a code. Like you can't just write

[ __ ] He's like Valentine's Day 20%.

Like what the [ __ ]

So Cole is like, okay, uh my whole world

is collapsing around me. Yeah. Right.

And his dad is like, listen, this is the

price of doing business. like we other

holidays have fallen into like uh

I don't know the historical memory like

I didn't know this book was going to

provide a political commentary

so much and so like his dad is like

we're preventing our holiday from fading

away like others have before us.

It wasn't going to fade bro.

Yeah. Like maybe chill out.

Like I feel like you're being a little

bit dramatic.

Right. I'm like, well, here's the thing.

Your other holidays being celebrated

doesn't mean your holiday is fading.

Exactly.

A rising tide lifts all ships. You're

being a selfish [ __ ]

Yes, Santa.

Yeah, for real,

King Claus. And so his dad is like, "So,

uh, sleep on it and we'll talk more

tomorrow about what your role can be

moving forward." Um, but do not

disappoint the family and like leaves it

at that. It's very like weirdly

Godfather like an offer you can't refuse

kind of deal. And so

like is each holiday court a mafia

family? It kind of feels that way.

But no, like disappoint the family.

Also, respectfully, sir, it's just

disappointing you. No one else in the

family has any of these expectations.

Is pretty laid-back about it.

Everyone else just wants to vibe and

you're out here trying to consolidate

political power.

Yes. Being a dick.

We could all just have a good time.

You're ruining everyone's winter

experience.

Yeah. Nobody's having a good time. So,

um the next day, Cole like stays in bed.

He's like trying to process and then

he's like,

I am being a selfish [ __ ] actually

because I made out with Hex last night

and then now I'm hiding and I've just

left Iris to deal with this whole

courting situation like a balls. He's

like every time I try to do better, I

make it worse. He's like,

and so then Chris shows up with food and

to like check on him and um he has this

moment again where he's like realizing

things and he's like, "Hey, you always

take care of me. Like you don't have to

do that, but like I really appreciate

you. I love you a lot." And they have

this really healing moment about like

the impact of their mom leaving and like

all this this stuff is like coming

together. And then as they're having

this deeply emotional moment, like Cole

falls back on the bed and like puts his

hand behind his pillow and finds an elf

on a shelf,

shatters the moment. He's like, "What

the fuck?" He like has a whole meltdown.

Oh, he's like legit terrified of them.

Legit phobia.

It's pretty good. Okay. I just thought

he like

had a preference against them. not that

they were going to leave him

disregulated for the rest of the day.

Genuine terror.

So later on they go ice skating as a

group which is again like a tradition.

So all of these traditions are

essentially like highly orchestrated

press stunts. None of it's real. Like

his dad like down to the moment has

things like planned out.

So they go um and Cole is like I got to

figure out what to do. like I got to I

got to figure something out. But then

Hex shows up wearing like a um a chain

sort of situation. That's Jacko'Lanterns

wearing Santa hats.

Oh, well that's sweet.

And he's like, "Oh,

well that's really cute."

That is really cute.

And he's looking real cute. So

they all ride together.

Feel for Hex and all of this.

This poor guy. And it gets worse like

once you know more of his backstory. So

they're like riding together. They're

having a really good time. And they are

we also find out here that Chris is like

terrified of most Halloween tropes. And

so like Hex is making random statements

about like, "Oh, you mean like how we

have skeletons that sit at our dinner

table?" That's not one. But Chris is

like, "What?" And he's like, "No, like

we're regular people, you [ __ ]

weirdo." Like,

and it's we get more of his personality.

You know how we do carve jacko'lanterns

incessantly throughout the year so we

can always keep a fresh one, right?

And he's like, "Oh, wow. You do that?"

And he's like, "Yes,

no. Why would we?"

Yeah. And so they're learning more about

like Halloween magic and stuff, too. And

Hex is like, "Yeah, like I could create

some like ghosts to like fly with us."

And Chris is like, "Please don't. We

believe you. Thank you." It's really

cute. Like the teasing and stuff. And

then like as things are going talking

about like Cole's reputation of like

being a prankster and stuff, I really

just liked this line. He says, "Yeah,

I've been velociaptoring my dad." And

he's like, "What are you saying to me?"

And he's like, "You know, in uh Jurassic

Park where the velociaptors throw

themselves at the fences looking for a

weak spot, that's what every single one

of my pranks has been. I have been

throwing velociaptors at the fence

looking for a weak spot

trying to get through." And I just liked

that.

It's a great way to word it.

Um so Hex can't stand.

Just testing for vulnerabilities.

Velociraptoring.

Um, the English language is wild.

Anything can be a verb if you try hard

enough. So, Hex can't skate and there's

the very cute again wingwoman Iris is

like, "Cole will help you skate." Wink

wink and like takes off with Chris

and they have like again a very intense

heart-to-heart and like Hex opens up

about his family. He has younger

brothers who are triplets um and like he

loves them intensely. his mom is Mexican

and so he has a strong connection to um

the Day of the Dead because of that.

And um he confesses also here that his

older sister passed away about 2 and 1/2

years ago in a car accident very

suddenly. So he was never supposed to be

the heir.

And so he's been trying to like navigate

that while also grieving. And so he

shares that his favorite favorite

tradition is the aphrena for her like to

feel connected to her.

And um Cole is very nihilistic and he's

like what's the point? Like everything

is terrible. And Hex is like the point

is that my holiday allows people to

process their grief, right? To find joy

in things that might be scary otherwise.

Like that's the power of my holiday.

Like I don't know what the power of

yours is, but that's what matters to me.

And that's why like it's so important to

spread this joy.

And so

is their holiday court kind of a dual

court between Halloween and like Dia de

los Muertos?

Yeah. Okay.

So like his mom's family technically

runs it fully, but like they're still

they're very much connected.

Mhm.

So um they are having a really good time

skating together. Chris and Iris are off

skating together and having a great

time, which makes Santa [ __ ] livid.

He pulls Chris and Cole and he's like,

"Hey, you guys are going to stay the

[ __ ] away from them. Do you see these

reporters snapping pictures? We don't

need that [ __ ] That's enough of that."

Santa is a [ __ ]

Just like, "Chill the [ __ ] out, bro.

It's not that deep."

Yeah. So,

um,

Cole then is like, "Yeah, I think I've

had enough skating." And kind of like

goes off by himself. And he sees that

Hex has made like tiny ghost reindeer

for like kids off in on the on the side

with his magic. Not obviously. His hand

is like twitching down

like so nobody knows it's him like

playing with these kids.

And he's like, "Well,

what the [ __ ] am I going to do?" He's

like, "I got to do something." He's

like, "Oh, my heart is so warm."

I can't just announce that Santa is a

piece of [ __ ] Like, remember the riots?

Like, I can't just like run in like guns

blazing. Like,

I got to figure out like something to

fix this. And so, he tells his brother

the whole situation. So, after the ice

skating, they're back at the palace or

whatever. Um, and

Cole goes to Hex's room and they start

laying things out and he's like, "Hey,

how does Halloween do it? Like, you guys

seem like you have like a pretty good

handle on things." And he's like, "It's

a collective. We pull our joy. If you

need extra joy because you're

struggling, we share it. Like, there's

no need to like do that.

We can all win here.

Rising tide raises all boats."

Yes. So, um, Cole is like, "Cool, cool,

cool, cool. That sounds amazing. Tell me

more. I want to I want to know more

about this." And then, um, Hex is like,

"What are you trying to do? Do you want

me to like adopt you or something?" And

Cole is like, "Yes, daddy." And then he

goes, "Oh, no." And in his mind, he's

like, "No, no, no, no, no. Finger guns.

Fuck." Like, what? He's like, "Finger

guns? What is wrong with me?

I don't know if finger guns is how you

can successfully pivot out of

accidentally calling someone daddy.

I don't think finger guns is how you

pivot away from anything. It just makes

it more awkward. No,

I think it really just acknowledges the

awkward, right? Like cuz unfortunately I

do imagine situations in which you and I

resort to finger guns. Then we're like

that didn't feel good. Didn't make it

less awkward.

I don't that I was moonwalking out of

the room.

Uh, yes. I don't think I've ever done

finger guns and not regretted it like

immediately.

Yeah, as you said, it doesn't resolve

the situation. It's just kind of a way

of acknowledging the

Yeah.

the current level of the situation.

And Hex, God bless him, just doesn't

acknowledge it. Like Cole's like, he's

laughing at me. I see the laughter. he

is trying to swallow, but he just like

keeps moving. And so, um, Cole is like,

I bet I could make a collective of

winter holidays. That sounds pretty

good, right?

Um, and so he's starting to form a plan.

Was he saying they share joy with like

the other like fall holidays?

Like Labor Day?

Yes.

Yeah.

And like other spooky holidays like Day

of the Dead. Like all of those things

are together. And so, um,

are those minor courts?

Sorry.

It's pretty unclear how

I don't know how deeply ingrained you

are in their political system. Um, but I

am just a little curious when it's like,

yeah,

there's like a weird mention that Cole's

mom was part of the Frost court, which

is a member of the Christmas court. It's

very confusing and so I didn't get into

it cuz I was like, I don't know.

Oh, well, these are the Q4 holidays.

Yeah. Yeah. Um the frost court is the Q4

holiday for um so

um they then like at that moment are

like hey so I'm feeling it. Are you

feeling it? I'm feeling it. And they're

like oh yeah no we like each other like

a lot a lot. And so they have again a

very intense make out and then Hex is

like, "Hey, like I haven't really done

this kind of thing before. Like I'm into

it, but like I don't know like what I'm

doing." And Cole's like, "Yeah, um no,

I'm not. We're not having a quickie

right now. Like I love that you're into

it, but like I will be taking my time

with you because you deserve an

incredible experience."

Was like, "No, I like you in a real way.

like you deserve more than just like a

quick [ __ ] somewhere sort of.

And this whole time that they've been

talking, Chris and Iris have been

texting in the group chat like, "Cool,

where are you? Cole, what are you doing?

What are you doing now?" And then Iris

is like, "He's probably [ __ ] my fake

suitor. Son of a [ __ ] What a PR

nightmare." Like

Cole, you're really gonna make it

difficult for all of us to face the

press after this,

right? So the next morning, like Cole's

really excited, so he goes to the

kitchens to get breakfast for Hex. And

the cooks are like, he doesn't say that,

but the cooks are like, "Maybe take

tea." And he's like, "What? All right."

And they're all like, "Wink wink."

Because they love Cole. because he knows

everyone's name.

He knows about their families. Like he

asks about them.

He is genuinely a kind person. He

doesn't see himself that way, but

clearly everybody else who works for the

family does.

Yeah, I was going to say it feels like

he's everyone else has this really

positive view of him and like, yeah, you

didn't realize that the dude you made

out with a year and a half ago was in

another court. That doesn't make you a

horrifically selfish [ __ ]

No, you had just collapsed an economy.

You had a lot going on,

right? It

was a big day.

You know, your girlfriend broke up with

you. You collapsed in economy.

That Juneenth court was just starting

up.

So,

and they have like cute bonding over

breakfast and stuff. And

I'm guessing Hex is more of a tea

drinker than a than a coffee drinker.

Yeah. So, like everybody in the palace

knows like

everybody knows and they're like all

they're like, "Oh, does Iris need

support as the most incredible

wingwoman? Allow us to assist like happy

to help." And so we find out here

because

Cole's dad's assistant shows up at Hex's

room and Cole's like, "I can't be

found." And Hex is like, "Well, get in

the [ __ ] bathroom or whatever." And

he's like, "I can't curse." Cuz he keeps

like

dancing around. He's like very formal in

his speech and like dancing around

curses. And Cole is like, "What are you

doing?" And Hex is like, "Now is not the

time. Get in. Like hide. Like what are

you doing?" And so he's like

he can't curse. He can't curse. So

eventually Cole hides. The the assistant

is just like going over the the schedule

for the day. She leaves.

And here is where we find out that um

the Halloween magic doesn't like it when

Hex curses. And he's like, I will do

this one time and one time only. [ __ ]

And a jacko'lantern like appears and

like falls on the floor. And he's like,

are you happy?

And Cole is like, "Yes."

Wait, what?

Like, anytime Hex curses, like random

Halloween decor appears,

he's like, "That's why I don't curse.

[ __ ] gets weird."

As a candle flickers in the background

at the word [ __ ] and he's like, "Point

proven."

Yeah. Yeah.

So, um, and then, uh,

they give each other handies. My notes

say mutual Yankees and overall good

time.

Um,

we love that for them.

Tons of communication and consent about

like tell me what feels good, what do

you like? Very supportive and lovely.

Um, and then

yeah, it seems like they're just like

supportive, lovely people that life has

dealt an interesting hand to that

they're having to navigate more than

like there's anything to really like be

[ __ ] on yourself about. They're just

super kind and lovely in really a

difficult situation. A

so Cole is now planning and he's like,

"All right, what if I reach out to all

the other winter holidays, just me, and

invite them to the wedding to talk about

the future of Christmas?"

Cuz I can't put in writing like, "Let's

stage a coup." He's like, so um

uh he um I will say with like our

current like political climate in the

US, I feel like I'm always seeing Tik

Toks and things of people like alluding

to different things, but they're like

not trying to you like

Yeah. and Hannah.

I might be slow cuz they're like I'll

watch a video. I'm like I I've watched

the full two minutes of this and I have

no idea what they're alluding to. I have

it. Like they're clearly alluding to

like something, but the number of like

words that they're I'm like I don't know

what you're actually trying to say right

now, but like

I appreciate your efforts towards good

causes. That happened to me in session

this week where a client was like,

"Well, yeah, you know about da da da."

You know, that happened. And I was like,

"Mhm."

Cuz I've been in session back to back.

I'm just going to keep making affirming

sounds and hope they don't notice that I

actually don't know what they're talking

about.

I've been in session for like 6 hours

today. It was my last session of the

day. And so I was like, I haven't looked

at the news.

I've barely like gone pee. I don't know.

like

right you're like there's been less than

5 minutes between these sessions all

like I haven't had time to see the

breaking news of like what's going on

this

so I was like yeah

crazy what

and then later I'm like googling and I

was like what the [ __ ] oh my god like

this is what they were talking about

holy [ __ ] like she had the right

reaction though

you're like I should follow up with that

client cuz I don't feel like my reaction

was appropriate given the topic.

I don't think I had a strong enough

response to that.

Oh, that's so funny.

So, um they are like uh going through

the motions now of getting all of the

addresses for these other holidays to

send them letters and things like that.

Um and we just get more kind of

affirmation that the holiday the the

Christmas palace staff love Cole. He's

like easily getting all of this

information because they're like, "Oh my

gosh, we're so happy to see you." And

he's like, "Hey, did your kid ever get

into like whatever school like I know I

don't hold a lot of like clout or

whatever, but I hope my recommendation

helped."

A

it's like Cole, you angel. Like you

precious baby.

So sweet. And so I'm I hope I know I'm

just the prince to the Christmas court,

but I hope that that recommendation I

letter that I wrote really got you some

traction towards anything. Yeah. He's

like, I'm not good academically, so I

don't know how much help my letter was.

And the guy's like, you're a you're

royalty, bro. It was everything. Like,

yes, she starts in the fall. Thank you.

Start in the fall.

What?

Here's the address of everyone else as

you're trying to

silently

and under the radar rebuild

the Frost Court,

right?

Is like what I I'm like I don't know if

those are the words being used, but like

that's what I hear happening is like

basically they're like, "Oh, look over

there." While they're like on the

computers, he's like like everybody

knows what they're doing.

Yes.

So, um

everyone's ready to be out from under

Santa's tyrannical. dick.

So, um, at this point,

Cole is like, I wonder what regular

people think. Like, I know what the

people in the palace think, but what do

the people in the city think in like the

court at large?

So, they put on like disguises, which

this was the one point in the book where

I was like, you lost me. There's zero

chance that the four of them who have

been all over tabloids everywhere went

out into downtown to decorate cookies

and no one was like, "Hey,

because although at one point um

I don't know. I bet Cole wore a very

convincing fake mustache."

Well,

and that was all that was needed.

Iris almost murders him because somebody

like does recognize her. She's not

wearing purple like for the first time

ever. But somebody's like, "Oh my god,

you look just like the Easter princess

Iris."

And he's like, "She does, right? She

hears that all the time." Oh my god. And

Iris is like, "Shut the [ __ ] up." But he

uses that as like an end to get them to

talk to him a little bit.

Yeah. I feel like that was a smart play,

Iris.

Yeah.

That was him acknowledging while also

writing it off that you could be the

princess. Cole's not.

I actually think he might have been the

one to say, now that I think about it, I

think he was the one that was like, "You

look just like the Easter princess."

I I think that's

I see why she was like, "Shut the [ __ ]

up, Cole." He's the one who was like,

"Oh my gosh, have you ever noticed that

she looks just like the Easter

princess?"

So crazy.

Okay, I walk back my previous statement.

Well, I was wrong about how I framed it.

So, but

I forgive you. This is when they find

out that people are like voting in the

tabloids about who Iris should end up

with. And Cole is like, "This is not a

[ __ ] reality show. This is our lives.

What the [ __ ] is wrong with you people?"

Okay, but reality shows really have

given us all the false impression that

we can impose our will

on like real real people. And I do think

that's like the weird thing cuz if you

watch like Lagouna Beach or the OC,

you're like, "No, this isn't a real

reality." Like

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

This is a scripted reality show versus

shows where like, "Well, no, this is a

competition show where like they're

making real money and like yes,

production can be involved, but they can

only like

only so far

manipulate that vote at

like so much given that like

there are like legal parameters involved

at that point. But yeah, like we all

really want to impose our will on

strangers.

Yeah. And Cole is like obviously

like this vote means nothing at the end

of the day, but like people are that

engaged in the story, right?

Mhm.

Is Chris listed as a contender or is it

just

No, it's just Colon Hex.

Okay. So, um, they are like, uh, the

people are basically like, "Santa's

amazing. Of course, we voted for Prince

Cole, like blah blah blah." And he's

like, "Oh, they fully bought the

bullshit." Like, I really really can't

be like, "Santa's a monster." Like, all

of these people truly believe in like

the lies that he's been selling.

The political commentary is wild. I know

it's a lot more than I expected in a

book called Nightmare Before Christmas.

Um, but um, Cole is very overwhelmed

because he's like, "Oh, God." And at

this point, he confesses to Hex that it

was him. He's like, "Hey, you remember

uh how the economy crashed in that small

nation

in Govia?"

Yeah. In Govia

uh about about 18 months ago?

That might have been me. Um, oh, are we

about to find out why?

Yeah. So, he was training to be Santa

and so he was looking at like the

letters that people send and a little

girl wrote a letter that was like, "Can

you please maybe bring my mom some

money? My dad left and he really

shouldn't come back and I think if mom

had enough money, she wouldn't take him

back." And Cole was like, "We have the

power to fix this." Like, "Why are we

not fixing this

for all of these kids?" And so he was

like, "Everybody gets wishes.

Everybody."

But it's really sad.

It's really sad.

Oh, because money won't actually fix all

It will make it easier. But Cole, my

heart.

I know. And Cole, like Hex is like,

"Hey, you thought you were helping. like

that's not bad or wrong. You learn from

it and that's what's important. And Cole

is like, "Cool. I might be in love with

this guy and I need a cold shower

and 10 minutes because what the fuck?"

He's like, "Oh, I need to pull back."

He's so kind and he's so supportive.

Oh, he's so gentle.

He's so unlike all of the feedback I've

received from my family my entire life.

Yeah. Yeah. And the press, like the

press has been like that his whole life.

So that night at dinner, it's like the

whole court or whatever. And it's so

sterile and boring and like nobody's

really talking about anything. And Cole

is like,

"Hi."

So this is what everyone what he invited

everyone to to like

No. So he invited everybody to the ball,

which is still like 2 weeks away. This

is just like a general Christmas get

together or whatever. And Cole is like,

"This is brutal." Hey everybody, would

you like to watch Christmas movies? He's

like, "We have a whole theater we never

use. Let's go. Let's make popcorn." He's

like, "Let's have fun." Cuz he had heard

people talking about Christmas movies

when they were like out in town. And so

he like goes to get the projector ready

and he's like, "I think I've only ever

seen a Charlie Brown Christmas. I've

never really watched a Christmas movie."

And like Iris, Chris, and Cole are

looking at each other like, "Have you

seen a Christmas movie? What Christmas

movies are there?" And Hex is like, "Are

you guys [ __ ] joking right now?" Like

seriously,

I'm kind of with Hex on this.

Yes, very much.

They're like very much

the winter court people and they have

never seen

Elf,

right?

The holiday white Christmas. Chris at

one point, I think, is like, "What's

that one with like the numbers? There's

a miracle." I'm like, "Miracle on 34th

Street, you little weirdo." Like, and

Iris is like, "What about that one where

the guy is like dead, but he's not

dead?" And there's like an angel and

like

Hex is just like observing all of this

and was like, "Are you guys serious

right now?" Like, unfortunately, yes.

And so they start ragging on him a

little bit and he's like, "I have

9-year-old triplet brothers. Yes, I've

seen Christmas movies. The propaganda is

strong. Congratulations." Like, put on

this. Everybody shut up. Um, there are

so many.

So many.

They've only ever seen one like like

what's that? Uh, the family stone like

put on like come on people. Like

the Family Man.

Yeah. Oo, that's an old one.

Another great option though.

Any holiday Hallmark movie like with

what's her name from Mean Girls. She's

in all those movies now.

My father, the inventor of

Lacy Shabar, is that her name?

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. She deaf signed a contract with

She did with them.

She was in the one that Mariah Carey

directed.

Yeah. Oh god.

And as someone who has historically been

able to make a lot of Christmas movie

drinking games and have a great time,

did you get did you have to go to the

hospital?

No, I didn't have to go to the hospital,

but drinking did kind of make that one

just more sad. Like we were like by I'm

like every scene Mariah Carey was in you

could tell was shot in like a different

time and space and had like different

lighting. She looked like an angel

glowing, but like the rest of it I was

like,

"Bitch, you're in an elementary school

hallway. Everyone else has the gaunt

lighting of fluorescent fluorescent

and you're sitting here." I was like,

"Is there a fan blowing? Like your

hair's blowing in the wind of this

hallway at the elementary school

pageant.

She's got like the golden hour glow."

Like, what the [ __ ]

My gosh. I did. Did you see the

interview where she someone asked her

about like someone mentioned to her that

Katie Perry went to space and she's

like, "Oh, really? Wow." Like, "Would

you go to space?" And she's like, "I've

done enough." And like Mariah Care's

lack of like enthusiasm and motivation

is hilarious and unmatched.

Yeah. Yeah.

And I'm like, she is not trying to do

any like she's like, I live a soft life.

I have found my lane. Don't [ __ ] this up

for me.

Yeah. No. And it's like I don't even

remember who it was in reference to, but

how many times have I said today, "Oh,

I've never heard of her." Like that's

Mariah Carey.

What the [ __ ] Never heard of her.

Yeah. Oh, and yeah.

I

am really curious cuz I also saw

something a while back where Nick Cannon

talked about her being the one who got

away.

Sorry,

that was not the cutest sound I've ever

made.

It did make me ponder as well. Yeah.

So, they put on a Christmas movie.

So, they put on a Christmas movie and

it's like one of the court members

birthday and like everybody basically

forgot and Cole's like, "Oh, no. this is

for your birthday.

Somebody go get a cake. And like they

turn it into this really lovely night

together. And as they're all kind of

sitting there and Cole is processing

everything, he's like, "Oh, this is

amazing, but like

Hex has a whole family and like a whole

court. Like he can't stay here. So, even

if my plan works, like

what is the plan at this point?

To get all of the winter holidays to

agree to a collective

to share their power.

Yes. So, if they can all commit to that

and cut his dad out of the deal, he's

hoping that like if they all stand

together.

Okay.

Christmas can't go around blackmailing

people.

Valid.

He hopes. So, he's like maybe

So it'll give his father substantially

less pull.

Yes.

Okay. So that night they meet up again.

Hex and Cole meet up again and sexy

times finally ensue.

Lots of intimacy. Lots of like you know

Hex is like I literally have no

experience with this. And Cole's like I

am happy to assist. Would you like to

give or receive? I'm really good either

way. like whatever makes you happy. Like

I'm just so happy to be here with you

and share this with you. Um

and um

Cole really does like seem kind and

thoughtful without like golden retriever

energy.

Yes. Which is a fine line.

Yeah. But also in a way where like

Cole does not necessarily have the

ability to recognize these positive

traits within himself.

Correct. And he even like uh he gives

Hex a [ __ ] and he's like it can end

here like if you're not comfortable cuz

Hex kind of like locks up a little bit.

He's like hey

it can stop right here. Like we don't

have to go any further. And he's like no

I want this.

And then at this point kind of awkwardly

Hex confesses that his only sexual

experience was

right after his sister died. M

her boyfriend was also mourning

and so he and Hex sort of like lowkey

hooked up without having like fullon sex

and so he has a ton of guilt and shame

around that and so

um Cole is like hey

did

did you have a good experience during

that and Hex was like I mean like he got

off and then he left and he's like,

"Yeah, that guy was a piece of shit."

So, like, you were both grieving, but he

didn't have a right to treat you that

way. And it was like very like lovely.

And then they get back into it. He's

like, "Are you still sure?

Cuz I'm sure.

Let's do this." Um, which also when like

to have someone like give you that

feedback of like, "Hey, like that is not

about you."

Yeah. That's not on you at all. And so,

um, Cole then admits to himself that

he's in love with Hex. Um, but he's

like, there is I don't know what to do

about that right now.

Yeah. Like, this is a great discovery

and like owning this for myself, but

also it doesn't change any of our

current trajectory.

I'm in the middle of a political coup.

Now is not the time. And so,

got a few things on my plate. I'm a

little busy.

Um, so days pass. They spend every night

together. Um, and then Hex Hex is able

to create portals with Halloween magic

just as long as there's a shadow

essentially. Um, and so he portals back

to his room every morning. Um,

and Cole,

wait. Every so like at this point he's

like sleeping in Cole's room every

night. Okay.

Every night. So Cole is focusing on

bringing people actual joy. So, at these

like basically stunt

Christmas tradition party event things,

he's like, "Hey, what if we actually

decorate our own cookies?" What if we

actually and like is really trying

things that bring joy to the season, not

just like,

yeah,

the performative, oh, look at what we're

doing. Okay, we got the photo, now we

can walk away.

Not the commodity of it,

but like the actual experience of

connection with others. And so that's

what he's focused on

with the staff, with other members of

the court, like just in general. And

he's doing a great job. And so

now responses are flowing in from the

other holidays that he reached out to.

Everybody has said yes. And he's like,

"Whoop,

it's real life."

We're getting the traction we hoped for.

Mhm.

And so then tons of more like cute

Christmas montage moments until

they're at some event. Cole's dad is not

there and he's like, "Well, I guess

that's not that weird."

But then

that makes me nervy.

It should because he realizes his dad

used that opportunity to toss his room

like ripped his room apart and he had

all the responses from the other

holidays like hidden in his closet and

his dad found all of them.

And

did he print them?

No, they were like handd delivered. Like

that's the vibe.

All I'm saying is rookie move. Like

I know. Like shred that [ __ ]

You You hid it in your closet. A

political coup.

The stakes are way too high for lowlevel

hiding places.

Mhm. Mhm. He's like, I hid it like

behind stuff, under stuff, inside a box.

like he really like put a few things in

place cuz he really didn't think his dad

would do this.

And so at this point it's real bad. So

they realize that Cole's dad is in his

room and Cole sends Iris and Hex away.

He's like, "You guys go to Iris's room.

We'll be there in a little bit.

Go be safe." Yeah.

Lock yourselves in the door outside of

my voice.

Right. He's like, "I don't know what

he's going to do. like this could be

really bad.

And so they have a huge blowout and his

dad starts threatening Hex um and he's

like, you know, what do you think would

happen if I started telling everybody

that the Halloween prince was like

orchestrating a coup like Duh. And so

Chris gets in the middle of them and it

looks like Cole's dad is about to hit

him and Cole like jumps in front of him

and like flinches cuz he's like trying

to protect his brother.

And his dad sort of freezes and he's

like, "I've had enough of this. This

conversation is over. Uninvite all of

those holidays." That's full stop.

Period. You will marry Iris. None of

this will ever happen again. Hex is no

longer welcome in this palace. Done. Get

out. And he's like, "Okay, okay, I'll do

it. Don't hurt him. Don't hurt Iris.

Please don't hurt Chris. I got it. It's

fine."

Yeah.

And so Cole tells goes to tell Hex

what's going on. And his dad's assistant

is already there. And she's like, "Hey,

you realize you have more friends here

than enemies, right?"

And he like can't process any of it.

He's like, "Great. I'm happy to hear it.

Have a great day."

Yeah. Like not And why would you be like

really understanding in that moment that

like your your dad does not have the

power that he thinks he has?

Yeah. Yeah. So his only focus is

protecting,

keeping everyone safe,

but she is also like, "Hey, you know,

we're really proud of you, right? Like,

we are with you." And he's like, "I

don't know what you're saying to me."

So he has a showdown with Hex. And Hex

is livid because one thing he's been

saying this whole time is, "Do not ever

put me in front of your holiday. Like

people depend on you. Like the joy you

guys bring to the world matters. Do not

ever put me in front of it." And so he

like Cole declares his love like I I

love you. Like none of anything else

matters. And Hex is like, "Nope, do not

give up on this.

Your people matter more.

You're building a legacy here. Like this

is literally all I asked of you.

If you take those joyfilled canisters

away, how will your

your economy ever continue?"

Yeah. And he's like, Hex is like, I'm

really glad. Like, well, not I'm really

glad. He's like

sort of skates by the I love you part.

And he's like,

that's okay, whatever, but like

we were never going to be longterm.

Like, I have a whole holiday that I'm

responsible for as well. Like, I'm the

heir to another holiday. Like, what did

you think was going to happen? Like, how

did you think this was going to end? And

Cole is like, m great. Okay. A poor

Cole.

He's like, "Um, yeah, my notes say it

hits Cole right in the self-esteem

issues."

So, he's like, "All right, well, um,

since you were planning to go back to

Halloween all along, you can just move

up that timeline, travel safely, and

like leaves."

And so Chris and Iris are waiting for

him in his room, and he has a full

emotional breakdown. And at some point,

Iris like leaves for whatever reason.

And Chris is like, "Hey, it Cole is

like, "I told you you weren't gonna have

to take care of me anymore. Like, I'm so

sorry you're having to clean up my mess

again." And Chris is like, "Hey, you are

not a burden. Like, I do this because I

love you." And it's a very like deep and

emotional like moment that they share.

And so,

um, Iris and Chris are trying to like

cheer him up and stuff,

which is also just great commentary on

how transactional caring for your

community has become. Like

Mhm. Mhm.

And I know we've talked about this even

on this show before where like

if I was ever in a pinch for a

babysitter like like it wouldn't even

dawn on me to be like, "Hey Hannah, are

you available by any chance to watch my

childh?" and you adore my child and if

your schedule was available and clear,

you'd be like, "Oh my gosh,

sure. Love to."

Yeah. Like, "No problem. I'll I'll jump

in the car." But like the thought of

asking someone in your community to do

that,

even though they would like love to show

up for you in that way,

but we've really

made supporting your community a

transactional thing.

Yeah. We've made it into a burden. Like

not that long ago, like last week, I had

a thing happen and I texted a friend and

I was like, "Hey, can I call you? Like,

I just need to kind of process

something." She was like, "Of course you

can." And so I call, we talk, and she's

like, "Hey, I'm really proud of you for

asking for help." And I was like,

"Thanks."

Like that's what our our like community

has been working on, like holding each

other accountable to ask for help. She's

like, "I'm really proud of you." A

I was like, I love that. And you're I

did ask for help and you helped me.

Well, and like because it's become so

transactional, it feels so weird and

vulnerable to like

just say you need help.

Yes.

And like what? Like, okay, so like this

week Vance was traveling for work and

was out of town

and his mom text me and was like, "Hey,

I saw that like on his like Instagram

story he's out of the state. Do you want

me to bring you dinner?" Like would it

like be help? And like I had a moment

where I was like, "Oh no, like this is

what I've been planning. Like I just

like needed to go to the grocery store

to like get this." And then I was like,

"You know what? Actually, yeah. I have

no [ __ ] food in this house. I was

going to have to like figure out when in

my workday I was going to go to the

grocery store before I picked my son up

at school

and just instead being like,

"Oh, it brings her joy to also get to do

this for us, right?" Like, "Yep,

I am taking away from her just as much

as I'm taking away from myself." Yep.

And like instead being like, "Oh,

actually, yeah, that sounds like so kind

and thoughtful. Thank you so much. I

would really love that. That's a huge

weight off my shoulders for today. But

even like someone offered help and my

first thought was I should turn this

down because I shouldn't need the help.

Yep. Yep.

What? Like that's the silliest thing

ever.

And like for me this year there have

been like there have been moment after

moment after moment where like my

community has shown up for me and so

I've been even more like oh I really

can't ask for help. They've already done

so much and they're still like, "Hey, we

did this. You didn't ask, but we did

these things for you because we know

you're having a hard time and we love

you." And I'm like, "Cool. I'm just

going to go weep in the bathroom. It's

fine."

Yes.

And that's very much Cole's energy as

he's like processing through all of

this.

And then he's like, this is where he

fully realizes like Santa is bluffing.

like he knew that he was bluffing about

Halloween to some extent,

but then he was like maybe he would

because it's not a winter holiday. So

like I still have to protect Hex. But

then he's like, "Hold on.

If Santa started releasing blackmail

material, even anonymously, eventually

it would all be traced back to him. He

can't just start dismantling other

holidays like that." Yeah,

that's we are getting power from these

hot like

oh this is a house of cards. He's like

oh

and so um but also like to Cole's credit

why would he have thought otherwise this

like his father

Yes. like who has had all of this power,

one of the biggest holidays. Like

why would you think

he was less powerful at any point?

He's always been like larger than life.

And so,

um, at this point, Iris is like, "Hey,"

because before this, she's been like, "I

love you. I will not stop you. I cannot

support you, though, because like I

can't like actively show up and be a

part of this."

And the Christmas staff, like the palace

staff are also all like, "Hey, yeah,

we're with you." Like, they all start

showing up to be like, "We are here and

we're going to do this with you." Cuz

they all know that he and Hex had been

together and then Hex left suddenly.

They all know that like this courting

situation is [ __ ] And so

at this point, Cole is like, "I should

reach out to Hex."

They all know that at this point, Mrs.

Claus left for legitimate reasons,

basically.

Yeah.

So Cole is like, "Maybe I should reach

out to Hex." And then he's like, "No."

In some ways, Hex was right. Like I was

impulsive and I was only thinking about

like the short term. I wasn't looking at

the big picture. but also I was right

and like what we had is special and

important and so I need to show him that

I can be the man that he helped me be

even when he's not here.

And so he's like I'm not going to talk

to him. I'm not going to talk to him.

So um Cole decides that he is

doubling down. He's like, "Yeah, dad

wants me to uninvite those people."

Sure. I uninvited them. And then the

dad's assistant is like, "Yep, he sure

did. Sent the letters out."

I watched him put them in the mail

myself.

Happy to help.

We all watched this get cancelled.

Yes. 100%.

Yes.

So, um,

I witness to anything Cole needs me to

have a confirmed eyewitness for.

Yep. I Mhm. Yep. Sure was. Yep. 100%.

Whatever Cole said. Yep.

So, at this point, Cole is processing

even more and he realizes his dad sort

of flipped when his mom left and he's

like, "Oh,

it's grief. My dad is grieving horribly.

I am not going to let my grief over Hex

prevent me from doing what I need to do.

I've already let my like grief over my

mom.

I'm not going to lash out at others

irrationally because of my grief." Yeah.

So, now it's Christmas Eve. It's the

wedding day,

which was also a call back to the Santa

Claus specifically if we were going for

deep cuts. I just needed to throw that

in there.

And I appreciate that.

Sorry. Keep going.

So, it's Christmas Eve. It's the wedding

day. And um also,

it just occurred to me

they're on winter break from college.

Yeah, they are. like

all of them. Like Iris and Chris go to

Cambridge.

Like uh Cole goes to Yale. They're on

Christmas break. They're about to go

back to college.

They just finished their fall semester

finals to come home into this

bullshittery

and then they have to go back in the

spring

for economics 303

like

Yeah. Cuz they're all like

global affairs majors or whatever

[ __ ] right? So, and there's like a

whole bit about that actually that I

didn't write in, but um the wedding is

Nutcracker themed. Like Cole and Iris

had no input into the wedding, but

they're like dressing him up and like

getting him ready and he's like, "Why

are they smearing gold on me?" And then

he looks in the mirror and he's like, "I

look like a [ __ ] nutcracker." And

he's like, "Fuck nutcrack fuck." Like

he's like seriously.

So

he goes out, he's ready, we're doing

this. And his dad is like, "What the

fuck?" Because all of these winter

holidays have showed up that he was

supposed to

cancel all of that. And he's like, "Dad,

I'm a gold nutcracker right now. You

shut your mouth when you're talking to

me."

He's like, "I'm literally wearing a

marching band uniform. Please [ __ ] off."

Like like a marching band uniform.

[ __ ] right.

I look like I'm I'm about to go to

Drumcore International and you're out

here talking about the other winter

courts.

It's like It's like on um Supertore

where the one guy shows up with riding

boots and looks [ __ ] ridiculous and

they're like he's like trying to be

serious and he's like, "Yeah, so we're

going to talk about you know what

happened blah blah blah." And one of the

guys is like, "Is that when you got your

boots?

But I also think of Ted Mosby with the

red boots and just going pulling them

off like that as Cole as the

nut crack. And so at one point he's

like, you know, I do look pretty good

though. He's like, I get it. So dad's

livid and they go into a side room and

he's like, what do you think you're

doing? You're going to ruin Christmas.

and he's like, "Hey,

I am not going to let your grief

continue to ruin everything. You are

hurting people and it's I've had enough.

I'm calling your bluff. We're not doing

this." And at this point, Chris has

ushered all of the winter holidays into

this like little side room or whatever.

And um

like a viewing room sort of. No, it's

like the the main area was like a big

ballroom and this is like a sitting area

sitting room like off to the side in the

palace.

Okay. So, like he wasn't taking them all

into a room to like witness this

conversation.

No, no, no, no, no. He was this was the

plan all along was for all of them to

get together.

So, at this point, as the other holidays

are coming in, Cole makes this beautiful

like impassioned speech about unity and

how joy is meant to get us through dark

times. That's the point of winter

holidays. When it's the darkest, when

it's the coldest, like this is when we

come together. Not in Australia. There

is like a random reference to that. He's

like I mean technically, but like

North Pole. Come on guys. So like he's

like that's what that's what the winter

holidays are for. Like

we don't need to bring the different

hemispheres in in this.

That really throws off.

I can't be doing with all this climate

[ __ ] You get it? So like and then his

father is just standing there like

completely a gasast because reporters

have also now come into the room and so

if his dad tries some [ __ ] it's

going to be really bad.

Excuse me. I was really trying to hold

that sneeze.

Bless you.

So at this point his dad just kind of

like locks up after Cole's speech.

They're all kind of like talking amongst

themselves and he like turns to Cole and

he's like, "You really thought I was

going to hit your brother." And Cole was

like, "Yeah, I did."

And at that point, his dad just like

nods and like walks out of the room. And

it's like, "What the fuck?" Like,

"Okay."

His dad finally understanding that his

actions

he's finally seeing the scope of like

what he has done.

The ends are not justifying the means.

Yeah. And so it is a great summit like

with all of these holidays. Um

Cole is now like well my adrenaline

pushed me through this far and now I

would like to go to bed. He's like holy

[ __ ]

Iris announces

a big day for him.

It's been a big day.

It's been a big month.

You know that's fair. It's been a big

winter break from his college courses.

So,

what was Iris about to

She's like, "Hey everybody. So, uh,

quick announcement. There is no wedding,

but there is a party

and, uh, I will still be dancing with

Cole. We just won't be getting married."

And so,

right, still my bestie for the resties,

just like not with a legally binding

agreement.

100%. So, at this point, Cole is like,

"Iris, babe, I just need to go to bed.

I'm so tired." And she is like, "You

will dance with me." All right. And like

hauls him out on the dance floor. And

so,

um, it turns out because Iris to the end

is the wing, wing women,

Hex has been there pretty much the whole

time. Like,

he showed up because he was like, "Hey,

I still want to help." But Iris and

Chris were like Cole kind of like pulled

it together and he's like, "Oh well,

like I don't want to disrupt what he's

doing.

I don't want to throw off his mojo,

right?" He's like, "I'm not trying to

complicate [ __ ] Like if it's not broke,

don't fix it." Like, so he's been in the

palace this whole time just like hiding

while Cole is orchestrating all of this

[ __ ] And so,

um, it he's like, I just I love you.

He's like, I'm sorry.

Is that

Hex?

Hex to Cole.

Yes. Finally reciprocated all the

declarations of love. Apologies all

around for like not communicating fully

and being a little bit impulsive in the

way they handled some things.

Yeah. I mean, being a little like, what

did you think was going to happen? I

still have my own court to run.

Mhm. we could never actually be

together,

right? He's like, "That might have been

harsh. We can be together. I love you

very much. Like, we're going to figure

this out." And so, they dance and they

have a great night. And then that night,

um, they have [ __ ] sexy times. And

then one of my favorite moments was like

Hex kind of like bows himself up and

he's like,

"Fuck me." And like a fake ghost like

falls out and Cole is like, "Oh my god,

I love you so much. This is the best

thing that's ever happened to me." Like

I love it. And so

you can't say [ __ ] me.

I know. Like a fake ghost. Like

Well, and you know, I have those like

Harry Potter candles hanging in my

kitchen nook.

Yeah. And that's kind of what I'm

imagining is every time he curses

another one of those candles just like

pops up.

We have like a a fake body that's like

wrapped in it looks like spiderw webs

and you just see like feet that we put

up every year.

And so that's what I imagine is like one

of those like appearing in here.

Yes. It's very good.

Just any TJ Maxx holiday walking into

any spirit Halloween.

Yes. Mhm. Mhm.

I said [ __ ] in a sexy nurse costume fell

out of the sky.

Oh, that'd be a good one.

That would be

um So, uh the next morning, um Cole and

Hex are having breakfast with Iris.

Everybody's just really hopeful and

happy. Um except Iris and Chris. There's

weird energy.

Okay,

so that's the setup for the next book.

Chris has declared his love for Iris and

she did not reciprocate.

So, it's all very awkward. But Cole is

like, "I am very happy. I will address

that later this afternoon." He's like,

"I just need like 3 hours to be happy

right now."

Like, I'm still very happy and I still

kind of need a nap.

Yeah. Yeah. And so Chris and Iris do not

end up together. Um, the next book I

believe is called Go Luck Yourself, and

it's St. Patrick's Day with Chris and

the St. Patrick's Day prince, I think.

I haven't read it yet. Um, but that's

it. That's our happily ever after. Like,

they get the collective, they wind up

together, and they're just like, "Yeah,

we're going to figure it out." Like,

we can spend part of our time in

Halloween and part of our time in

Christmas. We've got this. And it's just

very hopeful.

Good sir. He still has at least 2 and

1/2 more years of his academic career.

Well, he's like, I'm not doing that grad

school [ __ ] Like, my dad has no

leverage now. Bye, buddy.

I still have a full semester then. But

Mhm.

And I guess Santa's still Santa.

Yeah. Well, and like there's I forgot

part of the Halloween like uh I don't

know tropes or whatever that Hex was

joking about was like they were all

like, "Yeah, I go to this school. This

is my major. What's yours, Hex?" And

he's like,

"I go to a haunted asylum in an

abandoned area of Pennsylvania or

something like that." And they're like,

"Oh,

I really wish that they'd been like,

okay,

have you ever heard of Nevermore?

That would be a good one." He's like,

"Here's a photo of me and my bestie,

Wednesday Adams. Don't worry about it."

Basically, and they're all like, "Oh,

really? Like, what what do you do at the

haunted asylum?" And he's like, "You

guys, I go to the University of Mexico.

Everybody chill out."

Just cuz it's not Ivy League doesn't

mean it's not a credible university.

Yeah. I actually don't remember what

school, but it's somewhere in Mexico,

I'm pretty sure. Um, so that's the book.

It's very warm and much deeper than I

thought it was going to be, but it was a

very fun read. It was a very fun read.

It sounds like there were like very

poignant introspective moments and like,

"Oh, wow. My behavior has been hurting

people.

Look at the direct consequences of how I

act in the universe."

Mhm.

Well, well, well, if that wasn't the

consequences of my own actions.

Yep. Santa,

looks like I have more agency than I

thought.

Yeah.

Yeah. I like how supportive everyone

was.

Yes.

But they were like, "Hey,

you have more friends in this castle."

Yeah.

Whatever it is,

and even the assistant at one point, she

was like, "Oh, by the way, um, your mom

won't be coming to the wedding." And

Cole is like, "Oh, right. My mom would

come to that, right? like my wedding and

she's like, "Seems like her uh

invitation got lost in the mail." Like

she had just thrown it away. She was

like, "You guys don't need to deal with

that shit." She's like, "This wedding is

a hoax. We're not going to make your mom

and her normie husband fly in for this

and add that level

Yes.

of dynamics on top.

Your mom is also a nightmare, so we're

not going to deal with that." Like, no

stress. But everybody was just so like

lovely and it was very much like

when you are kind and open and care

about people things sometimes work out.

Yeah. It's like the karmic energy you

put out into the universe is returned to

you.

Mhm. It's really lovely.

Yeah.

Mhm.

I enjoyed that.

Yeah. I will read the next one. I just

haven't yet.

It didn't feel at all Tim Burtonesque.

No. Oh, no. It didn't.

No. So, what's our rating system?

Um, I mean, we could do fake ghosts.

I'm going to

Nutcrackers.

Nutcrackers. Jacko'Lanterns.

Mhm. Jacko'Lanterns wearing

Santa hats. That's the one.

Okay.

Yeah.

So, how many Jacko'Lanterns wearing

Santa hats is this out of

um

12. Cuz I think that's how many people

how many like winter holidays there

were. I think.

Wait, that was winter holidays alone.

There were 12.

I'm pretty sure there were several.

Okay.

Delegates.

National grandparents day has its own

court at this point. That is what it

sounds like.

International. So, it's like even like

small nations or small like um uh like

smaller religious sects and things like

that, they all have holidays that are

like part of this.

I really need a full breakdown of the

holidays that have courts.

It wasn't in the book. Maybe I'll look.

I mean, there is a full series. So, I

guess the next book might provide the

clarity I'm looking for. So, 12 cuz

there are 12.

I think so.

12 holidays that could be part of the

frost court.

Yep.

Okay.

I think I would go nine. It was really

fun.

That's a high score for you.

It was really fun. All of the jacko'lant

all of the ghost whatever the

jacko'lanterns have their Santa hats on.

Yeah.

Okay. So, nine with hats.

No one lost a hat.

Nope.

Everybody fully hated. Yeah.

No, I will say that sounded

like I don't know when we do holidays

sometimes it can be like silly novellas

and things like that, right? And this

felt

weightier than that but like in a

positive way.

Yes. And I think that's what I really

enjoyed. It was that it was like very

like hopeful and optimistic and fun and

not like you know

well also like challenging difficult

things.

Yeah. Yeah. It was tackling like real

stuff like grief and like how you grow

up and find your way in the world but

like it was still it was still really

fun at the end of the day and like

really funny.

Um so yeah.

Yeah. Highly recommend.

That one was a fun one. Yeah. Oh like I

know we've said this before. There are

sometimes where we like review a book

and I'm like, you know, thank you for

reading that for both of us. And I feel

like this one I would actually like put

on my list to read regardless.

Yeah, absolutely.

Okay, so nine out of 12 Jacko'Lanterns

wearing Christmas hats.

Yep.

Let us know what y'all how many

jacko'lanterns wearing Christmas hats

y'all would rate this book. Do all of

the jacko'lanterns have hats on or did

any of them lose them because there are

decimals in your rating system?

Sure. Yeah.

Why be limited by our rating system? You

know,

don't let us limit you. Go into 2026

without

those limits that we're placing.

Yeah. Yeah.

Choose your own adventure.

Yeah. Hope is never foolish. a

both in general theory and Hannah's

sister.

Like those were Chelsea's words. Those

weren't my words. All that said, don't

forget to like, rate, subscribe, DM us

what books you would like us to review

next. We are always looking for new

recommendations. If you you don't listen

before the end of the year, we hope your

2026 does start off lovely and gentle

and kinder than 2025 has been to a lot

of people.

Amen.

Yes. And if 2025 has been a very kind

year to you, then I hope 2026 is even

more of that.

Yes.

But we are all starting 2026.

Yeah. We can tell we need it when like

this is not the last episode of the year

and we're like

and we survived.

We did it.

And we're proud of you guys. So

yes, listen, we all survived very hard

things. This year has been unprecedented

times.

Y

and any kindness and joy and levity, not

brevity, that we can have.

Although the shorter the better to be

honest.

Brevity as well. Yes.

See you later, smud.

See you next time. Still in 2025, most

likely. Bye

bye.

Well, that's it for this week, smud

[ __ ] We hope it was good for you cuz

it sure was great for us. If you're

digging what we're doing, it would mean

a lot if you'd take a minute to rate and

review the show wherever you're

listening right now.

Maybe tell that sexy someone to lend us

an ear. We love you. We appreciate you.

And we'll see you next week. Stay

smutddy.