Smut Club

Well, hello all you beautiful people.

You know what time it is.

Ladies and gents, guys and dolls and

everyone in between.

Gather around. Get you something real

nice to sip on and comfy to slip on.

Cuz it's time for Smite Club. Here's

your hosts, Chelsea and Hannah.

[Music]

[Laughter]

Hey everybody and welcome to Smuck Club.

I'm Hannah. And I'm Chelsea. And we are

joined today by one of our favorite

guest hosts, Mr. Weston Slayton. Hello.

Thanks for having me back. I'm so

excited.

We love that you came back after uh

Elements of Mischief was your

introduction to smut.

Listen, we dove hard.

We did.

Yeah. Deep in. I was like, "Okay, if you

want to be introduced, here's five

dragon shifters

that are also plumbers."

Still one of my top five favorite text

messages of all time. Chelsea's like,

"Hey, we can give you this one or if you

want to go hard.

What about this?" I was like, "Yeah,

let's Here we go."

Yeah.

Yeah.

Deep in no floaties. go and it worked.

It was great.

Well, hopefully today also lives up to

the expectations that Elements of

Mischief lived up to for you. Thank you

for joining us. We are very glad to have

you back.

Thanks.

So, Weston and I have both read today's

book. Um Hannah is just going to be

along for the journey. I don't think

you've read this one. Tell me if I'm

wrong, but today's book is Pounded by

Produce by GM Ferry.

I can't say I have

There's so many stories being told

behind that face right now.

Also, I was talking to a coworker.

It's both fear and anticipation.

I was talking to a co-orker earlier this

week and I went, "Yeah, we're we're

going to review Pounded by Produce on

the podcast." She goes, "Oh my gosh, I

read that one." I went, "Really?" And

she goes, "No way. I read Bagged by the

Groceries,

unrelated."

And I was truly different author.

different author but real.

But real good that it's real.

I'm like, is this a Chuck Tingle? Like I

Okay.

Okay. We're not full Chuck Tingle.

Okay.

Oh, spiritually we're not far from Chuck

Tingle.

Are we like Vera Valentine? Like

unhinged?

Not quite. We're just going to jump into

it. Okay.

We're going to probably stop trying to

temper expectations and just choose. you

know, is pounded by produce. Anything

from there is really

feel like I'm going to make this face a

lot if you're doing it right.

A frown.

That's right.

A little bit of disgust. Like frowned,

lime confusion.

Oh, confusion.

So, we open with Emily.

Um, Emily has recently escaped an

abusive relationship.

Okay. not physically abusive, but very

like emotionally, verbally, um,

financially abusive. He really isolated

her. She wasn't allowed to work,

just all that sort of stuff. So,

okay,

she has now made it out of this, uh,

long-term abusive relationship and is

trying to start over, trying to find a

job. She really doesn't have a ton of

skills and is like, I just want to like

cook and be in the garden and like I'm

looking for a quiet, simple life. I'm

not trying to rage. Mhm.

Mhm.

She happens to find a listing for a uh

live-in parish cook.

Okay.

Um it is a remote rural

parish. It is for St. Mary's Catholic

Church.

I was going to say parish usually

indicates church unless you're in

Louisiana. So I'm imagining that it's

church related. That's right. Yeah.

What is it in Louisiana? That's like

their county is a parish.

Yeah.

I really learned something new today.

Hey Wow.

End of episode. Thanks for being here,

guys.

Right. We set out. We accomplished

everything we set out to do today.

That was it. Hannah has no context for

this book, but Chelsea learned

something. Thanks for being here.

Okay. So, we have Emily and there are

two other characters. We will get all

three perspectives. The next character

is Robert and he's one of the priests at

St. Mary's. Um, he's in the garden

gathering produce for dinner.

their last parish cook fell in love and

like moved to France or something and so

they've been having to make their own

meals.

Where's her book?

It's a different one probably.

Sorry.

Or it needs to be written. There's an

opportunity.

The rest is still unwritten

to take notes.

So the rain on your skin.

As Robert is out, we know we're just

going to call Robert Bob. As Bob's out

in the garden, Laurent runs out. He's

the other priest for St. Mary's Catholic

Church. Um, and he runs out and is like,

"Bob, have you seen my hairbrush?" And

he hasn't.

What? What's your face, Hannah?

Veggie Tails.

Mhm.

Maybe.

Bob the tomato. Larry the cucumber.

Oh my god.

So, uh, for the listener at home, Yeah.

Hannah may have just realized this is

veggie tail smut.

The worst part of this is all it took

was Bob, have you seen my hair brush?

Yeah, it was out the gate. It was in

chapter two.

Oh my god. Okay. All right. Okay.

So, you know what? We're just going to

call Laurent Larry

for our purposes.

Yeah. That is also how I outlined. Just

Bob and Larry.

At one point, I'm like, B and L are

doing this.

Yep.

Uh-huh. Mhm. You're like, now that I

understand where we're at,

I can I can lock in accordingly. Do you

like to buck with tomatoes?

If a squash can make you come,

have we got a smut book for you? Okay.

Sorry. I had to get that one out the

way.

Oh, I'm sweating.

So, there's there's definitely some

underlying tension between Bob and

Larry.

Sexual or otherwise?

Very sexual. very sexual.

Nice.

Very sexual.

They've uh been friends and known each

other since seminary. They were

roommates in seminary.

15 year history.

Are we talking like historians say they

were roommates or were they like

actually roommates?

Yes.

And they were actually roommates.

They were actually roommates. Okay. And

there there's definitely reference to

like a couple of times where they were

both mutually masturbating and like

making eye contact like in their

separate twin beds and like no one made

it weird. You know,

we're just never going to talk about it.

It'll be all right,

right?

We're just going to jack off at the

thought of each other,

but never say those words to each other.

That's got it.

Mhm.

So Bob is like, "Let's pray this new

cook is good because I'm not a great

cook and I just want to get back to

writing sermons." And

Larry's like, "Oh, ye of little faith.

She's going to be a great cook. My God

is bigger than the boogeyman.

God is bigger than the boogeyman. He's

bigger than Godzilla's or the monsters

on TV." Honestly,

it's going to be an excruciatingly niche

episode.

Oh, full stop.

And certain recovering evangelicals are

going to go so hard they're going to

listen to it like eight times and

everybody else is going to be like,

"What the [ __ ] are these women singing

right now?"

Shout out to GM Ferry because like I'm

pretty sure the dedication in this book

is to those with religious trauma.

100%.

On that note, read this book on Kindle.

Mhm.

I can only imagine somebody reading this

with no context for what Veggie Tales is

and wondering why the hell 107 people

have highlighted a passage about a

cucumber

or a hairbrush.

Like why the hairbrush?

I don't understand.

God is bigger than the boogeyman. Okay,

that's a weird line. Anyway, back to the

[ __ ]

Woo!

Mhm.

Yeah. Made for kids with religious

trauma.

1,000%.

So, back to Emily. She has now arrived

at the parish. Um, she's not very

religious and feels a little anxious

about this. And so, she meets Gail,

who's like the church administrator. Um,

and Emily's like, "This place is so

beautiful." And Gail goes, "Yes, God's

splendor truly does dwell in this

place." And Emily just goes, "Praise

be."

Did you do research on who Gail is?

No,

it's I can't remember her last name, but

Gail was like one of the prominent voice

actresses on Veggie Tales.

Nice little homage.

That is a nice little homage.

I know, right? I was like, Gail, that's

too specific. That's deep. Google, there

she was. She's like a

in my head I thought Gail made complete

sense for being the name of a church

parish administrator.

Accurate as well.

And I like that you're like Gail. I

should look into that. And I went Gail

that track.

I'm waiting for Barbara as in Barbara

Manatee to make an appearance.

Um I wish we got like a Laura the Carrot

at some point. We don't. Um so just book

two. Book two.

The sequel.

But the funniest part is also like when

Emily's like, "Praise be." Gail looks at

her and is like, "So, is that your first

time saying this

and she's like, "Was it that obvious?"

And G's like, "It's not it's not that

deep. We're very relaxed here." Like,

the girl's like, "Oh, thank God." And

she's like, "Yes, that's the energy."

Like, so very chill. But then as Gail is

giving her the tour, she introduces her

to Bob and Larry. And Emily's

immediately like, "What the [ __ ] is this

romcom? These priests are so hot."

Like,

very meta. Like, what is this? Some smut

book?

Yes.

Direct quote. Yeah.

Incredible.

So, that night, Emily has a sex dream.

Um, she dreams that she is praying in

the chapel and just kind of accepting

this new life and kind of like, I don't

really know what you have for me, but

kind of figuring it out. and you know it

would be cooler if I not a nun cuz I I

do like sex but like I'm open to the

other things that you have to offer. And

then suddenly she hears a voice that's

the priest being like we can help with

that.

And they're like taking off her clothes

and she takes off Larry's pants and then

takes out his dick and it's a cucumber

and she's like that should weird me out

but it isn't. And Jess is like I want to

slob on that knob. Um, and then she like

wakes up from the dream

unfortunately

of Yes. of Larry's cucumber dick.

I was very excited for the story line of

the cucumber dick.

I honestly was wondering if that's how

because I knew going into it that it was

Veggie Tail smut, but I had no idea how

that would present at any point. So I

was like, "Oh, is this how we're going?"

And so I'm like, "Okay, so Larry has a

cucumber penis, so that means Bob has a

tomato penis." or just like massive

tomato balls.

I had that thought, too. I was like,

it's his balls, but then a normal dick

with tomato balls. Like, so as the book

continued, I went, "Oh, I I should have

just let GM Fairy She You know, GM Ferry

did write it. I didn't need to make it

up in my head."

She did. All my notes were like, "Oh my

gosh." Yeah. Oh, it was a dream.

It was a dream.

Yeah.

Weston is like, "I feel the quitus

vegetableist interrupt us."

[Laughter]

Okay, that Yep. Mhm.

Emily wakes up from the stream and, you

know, decides she needs a little

midnight snack and is like, I'll go chop

up a cucumber in the kitchen and have a

little have a little treat. When she

gets to the kitchen, she does find Larry

there having a midnight bowl of cereal,

and she's so flustered. She's like, "Oh,

enjoy your bowl. It's fine. I'll wait to

eat until morning." Like, why? No,

that's not the right response, Emily.

Like,

he's not in his priestly garb. He's just

No, he's in his pajamas eating hot.

Yes.

Yeah.

She's just imagining if it is a cucumber

inside of those sleep pants.

Yeah.

Casual.

She'll find out. Um, but

he invites her to stay and they're

getting to know each other and like she

swears at one point and I forget exactly

what Larry said, but the energy was

like, "Don't worry about swearing. We're

not like regular priest. We're cool

priests." It's kind of like how I read

it.

Yeah.

Oh, but okay. You read it the same way.

I read it the same way. And like he used

the phrase I can't remember if this was

in the same thing, but it's like same

context.

Said it's like, "Oh, yeah. And we used

to [ __ ] around to seminary all the time,

which I thought is the best pitch for a

divinity degree.

It's like, "Yeah, you just want to go

[ __ ] around to seminary for a little

bit? Sure, let's do it."

Someone who went to a seminary.

I was going to say not a ton of [ __ ]

around.

Yeah, that's fair.

And unfortunately,

small amount

of small amount of [ __ ] around in

seminary. But yeah, it was

also could have been me.

I wasn't a fan favorite. You know,

you and there ruffling feathers and

whatnot. I I had

I had about 10% of the tattoos that I

currently have

and it was too many tattoos for their

liking.

You hadn't found your audience.

No, I had not found my audience. Like I

left and within 5 months of me like

graduating from seminary, I had a full

back piece tattoo done on my upper back.

And I'm like, you know, that was a they

wouldn't have loved that. At least not

at the one I was at at the time I was

there. Maybe they've

reinterpreted scripture about tattoos at

this point.

Hopefully.

Or vaginas

or

or any of it.

Oh, okay. That's We're about to get

too into cuz I'm about to be like, well,

nope. This is not a This is not a

context for me.

Pounded by Produce leads into a

theological disc discussion. That's what

the people signed up for.

You get it. Yeah.

Go listen to Dan Mlullen if that's what

you're trying to do. We're not here for

that.

Although, we did review Priest. I

literally had the thought. I was like, I

feel like

that book was trying to heal religious

trauma in the way that this one probably

actually does for people. I did have

that thought earlier.

That is very valid. As they're now

together having a late night cereal

snack, Larry asks if Emily's religious

and she's like if it's kind of a sweet

moment where they're just actually

getting to know each other and she's

like, "No, but like I've really been

feeling lost and like I'm searching for

something and like I'm looking for

something that like gives me a purpose

and Larry's like, you know, like

when I like that's how I felt when I

joined seminary and like really looking

for a higher calling and just it's just

a nice moment of like actual connection

between him. Um, but also I think the

other like as soon as he joined seminary

like at least God has not been his

higher calling. Bob has been his higher

calling. Larry is so in love with Bob.

Um,

yeah.

Very sweet.

Yes. And so they say good night and then

the next morning we actually switch to

Larry. This is the moment we find out

that he's in love with Bob because he's

watching Robert preach from the pulpit

and give his sermon and he's just like I

like this is the reason I've been here

for 15 years essentially and he's just

pining away for him and he's like the

he's like yeah like before I went to

seminary like I definitely slept with

women but like those unspoken nights

with Bob like

meant more to me as far as sexual

experiences than like anything else in

my life. His love of Bob is really

endearing.

It is really sweet.

Sounds very pure.

It's so pure and the the tension that

like it in or interjects in the moment

you're like, "Oh my gosh."

Yes. Because this is fun.

Well, like you've been in love with him

for 15 years and just pining away with

like stolen moments and being like, you

know, like when when I could get away

with putting my hand on his shoulder and

like it wouldn't like draw and you're

like, "Oh." And they're like there's

another perspective with Bob like

talking about his love for Larry and

like will they won't they. It's just

very endearing and very

Yes. That's very nice.

It really is. Um after the sermon

they uh

oh Emily shows up at the end of the

sermon. It doesn't it's not really

relevant to the plot except she's just

like finding her way around the space

and like meeting people. And Larry also

sees her and is like, I absolutely

masturbated as soon as I got back to my

room last night.

He's like, I had to do an awkward walk

leaving that kitchen because I'm very

into this woman.

Um, as the service ends, all you realize

all of these like old women, all these

old Betty's in this rural town are very

into Bob and Larry as well and love

their little like harmless crushes on

their priests.

Yes.

Um, one woman knit Larry a rubber ducky

sweater.

King George and the Ducky. We love a

call back. We love a reference.

how Hannah braces herself with each

reference.

It's awesome.

Well, I'm like

I'm just honestly disturbed that I

remember all of them.

So, some odd years since I've interacted

with Veggie Tales, you know,

reading through there were a couple

moments where I was like, "Was that

something?" And then I'd look it up and

I'm like, "This unlocked a core memory."

Vance would just look over. I'm like

watching Veggie Tales songs on my phone

and he's like, "What are you doing?

research

like get over it, man. It's fine. It's

fine. Um, as the now that the sermon is

ending and all of the

church members are leaving, um, there

Bob is talking to Larry's like, "Bro,

you got to stop flirting with all these

like old women." And Larry's like, "It's

harmless. They make me sweaters. It's

great." Like, what could go wrong here?

They're just having fun, man.

And as they close the doors to the

church, they realize there's like an old

woman in there with them that they they

don't know her. They've never seen her

before and she looks a little like

haggarded and is wearing like a big

cloak and they're like, "Oh, we're so

sorry. Like we thought it was empty in

here." And they're like introducing

themselves and she's being kind of

weird.

Kind of weird.

Okay. Kind of

very mysterious.

Yeah. She's like, "I know who you are."

Yeah.

And they're like, "Oh, like do you need

a ride home?" And she's like, "No, but I

like you boys might need help." And

they're like, "What are you talking

about?" So then she says, "Tonight is

the harvest moon where spirits come to

play. All that is hidden will be brought

to light. You two need a transformation.

It's up to you both to define the true

fruits of your soul." And then she just

like scurries away,

disappears,

walks down the very long road that leads

to the parish, and then

was it.

Yeah. That that the long road to the

county over.

Oh my gosh. I didn't

I didn't pick up on that one. Nice.

That was just me. Okay. So, they're like

both Bob and Larry are like that was

weird,

right? But like what are you going to do

about it?

Yeah. Like did she hex us?

Guess we'll be fine. We'll find out.

But there was no subtext around it. They

were like that was weird. Anyway, let's

go.

Yeah. Like literally to the point like

as soon as it ends, Bob like looks back

at L. He's like, "So, as I was saying,

you got to stop flirting with these

women." Like that like level of like

ambivalence to this weird message from

this woman.

Dismissive of like whatever that was.

Very dismissive of it.

Yeah.

Yes.

They've run into this. Their

congregation is 70 plus year old women.

They say weird [ __ ] They knit them

sweaters. They're like

water off a rubber duck's back. Oh my

god. Oh, I just took a

holy [ __ ]

Once again, this episode will hit very

hard for a very specific group of people

and for everyone else. Thank you for

joining us. We do apologize for the

confusion.

There's still some funny stuff.

Absolutely. So, switching to Bob's

perspective. It's late that night. Um,

like now the middle of the night, he

can't sleep. He's feeling guilty about

how distracted he's been been by the new

parish cook. Um,

and like just decides to get his mind

off of things. He go he's like, "That

woman was weird. I can't stop focusing

on Emily." Like whatever. So, he finds

an old bottle of communion wine and goes

out to the garden and just decides he's

going to like get drunk in the garden in

the middle of the night. And like, you

know, we all cope how we cope.

Sure, I get it. In some situations, I'd

call that a poor coping skill. And in

other situations, I'd call that a

relatively good coping skill. Yeah. And

perspective matters.

It does. Little column A, little column

B, you know.

So, he's laying down between the rows of

the cucumbers and the tomatoes and uh

starts just like talking to God and is

like, "Why are you doing this to me?

Like, are you testing me? Like, why?"

And suddenly a voice responds and is

like, "You've been disobedient." And

he's like, "Fuck off, Larry." Like, and

Larry's like, "You were slamming doors.

I thought you wanted me to follow you

out here. I didn't know you being out

here was a secret.

Like you weren't subtle on the way out.

Yeah.

Yeah. And he's like, "Are you are you a

little distracted lately?" Cuz you

weren't subtle and I was clearly

following you out here. Um and when

Bob's like, "I you know, maybe I've been

a little distracted." Larry's like, "Is

it the new cook's tits?"

Was it here where I think whoever it was

Bob had they got them mixed up. He looks

at him he's like clearly I came alone to

talk to God and the other one was like

aren't you glad I answered instead.

I was like ooh there's some there's a

deep dive of some religious trauma in

here. Like

oh yeah

what happens when humans show up for

each other we don't have to worry about

anyway. Mhm.

Yes.

Bob says no. Larry, believe it or not,

it's not the new cook's tits.

It's her lips actually that have been

distracting me.

Mhm.

I'm not a perve. Well,

a little bit foreshadowing here.

Yeah. Still am. Uh Larry is thrilled by

this confession and he's like, "This is

this is great news." And then like as

Larry's laughing about it, like Bob

calls him like ridiculous and Larry's

like, "Well, it's my mission to bring

you joy."

It's It's kind of a slightly weird

intera.

It does escalate very quickly. It's very

winefueled.

Like Larry's like, "It's my mission to

bring you joy." And Bob's like, "Well,

what a simple life." Cuz here I am like

leading souls to God and you're just

like talking like making jokes about

tits and like

being God's favorite. And Larry's like,

"You're definitely God's favorite. He

made me to serve you." And I'm like,

"Bob, this man is in love with you." In

love. He just said, "God made me to

serve you." And it did not click for

you.

The I mean, yes, it this one is wine

induced, but like still that is

Yeah, that came out.

That is a loud. Yeah,

hard statement. And I feel like Bob

still doesn't clock it.

I don't think so. He's more just he's

borderline aloof,

I guess. And just very I don't know.

He's very in his head.

And I was going to say it sounds like

he's trying to protect himself and

doesn't want to make Larry uncomfortable

or like cross any invisible boundaries

and and so he's like

dismissing the signs because he wants it

so bad. Maybe

like is that

is like paired with that still like

rectifying the idea that he believes

that he's still called

to serve God. He is at this parish for a

reason. It just happens to be with his

best buddy who was his roommate.

Right. Right. Right.

No, we are here to serve our Lord and

Savior.

Right. With very specific expectations

around what serving your Lord and Savior

looks like.

That sounded more sexual than I meant

it. Um

read into what's not. I was going to say

I feel like

maybe but still probably accurate for

the current situation we're in.

So both Bob and Larry just fall asleep

drunk in the garden.

Mhm.

The next morning we switched to Larry's

perspective. He wakes up and he's like

feeling a bit funny and he's like, "Man,

must be like really hung over." And his

vision is a little bit blurry and things

don't quite look right. Then he realizes

he can't move and he's like, "What? what

is going on? And he's like, did did is

this what we drank? Like, did something

happen to to Bob? And then he like feels

like an earthquake and then sees a giant

hand.

And um yeah, so Larry's turned into a

cucumber and Bob has turned into a

tomato and Emily's in the garden

collecting produce

for the day and happens to collect them.

Um, she collects other veggies as well.

The other ones don't seem to be

sentient. Um, but Larry like looks over

and sees the tomato and is like, "So

that's Bob." Like it's like

I I would know Bob in any form and that

is Bob.

Yes.

I don't know Bob in any spiritually I

can recognize Bob anyway.

It's like cool man. Great.

I'm like even as a tomato.

Even as a tomato with no eyes. I love my

husband more than I love anyone else in

this world. And if my husband turned

into produce, I don't know if I'd look

over and be like, "That squash

does look kind of van."

I got to tell you right now, if Matt

ever became produce, that would be like

the worst possible thing that could have

ever happened to my husband because he

does not eat vegetables.

I would never recognize him because his

soul would not match it. Okay, pause.

Here's here's my followup. You would

automatically recognize him? Because

you'd go, "Where the [ __ ] did this

broccoli come from? We never had

broccoli in our house."

Matt, is that you?

Be like, I specifically remember getting

zucchini.

Why am I now witnessing Brussels

sprouts?

Yeah. See, you would recognize it. And

why does the energy from these Brussels

sprouts feel so uncomfortable? Why does

the energy from these Brussels sprouts

make me want to take off my pants?

These Brussels sprouts are going to go

lovely with a nice maple glaze, if you

know what I'm saying.

So gross.

I forgive you.

Thank you.

I'm not there.

Listen, the internal monologue is there

is a pipeline.

I forgive you. I'm not there yet.

So, Emily now has Bob and Larry back in

the kitchen and like Larry's like kind

of here for this. He's like, I don't

really know what's happening, but this

is kind of an exciting experience. I've

never been a fruit before

until Emily like picks up a knife and

then he's like,

"Oh god, oh god. Oh god,

oh god, I'm in a kitchen. I'm a

vegetable. What if is this how I die?

Like is this the end?" But like Emily

also seems to be aware. She like picks

up the cucumber and like hm like puts it

like picks up the tomato, chops all the

other vegetables.

Mhm.

Doesn't chop them. H

spiritually connected to the cucumber

and the tomato.

Sure. But she's like holding them up and

like whispering to herself and she's

like, "I must be crazy." And then she's

like, "This must be because of that

dream I had." And I'm like, "Oh my god."

Yeah. She has no idea that they've

turned into produce. She just had a

dream that Larry had a cucumber dick and

then she was in the garden and she

picked up a cucumber and now she's

looking at it going, "I must be crazy."

That's exactly how I pictured her car.

Just like full palm out, just eye

contact with no eyes.

Eye contact with the ass end of a

cucumber. Like

I don't know why I was imagining it long

ways and not

I same

massive [ __ ] cucumber that's on the

brink of teetering over her hand

[Music]

anyway.

All right. So they're safe from the

knife for now.

They are safe from the knife.

They're even safer because Emily decides

to take them to her room.

Oh.

So she does take Bob and Larry. Yeah.

Um, and Larry's thrilled by this turn of

events and he's like, "Can I move?" And

he's like practicing wiggling a little

bit. He's like, "Can I like get my

body?" Like Larry has no concerns, which

does feel very true to Larry. I'm

enjoying Larry. Actually, I'm like,

that's the difference between if you're

going to have a good acid trip or a bad

acid trip is if you're like,

"Weird, but okay. All right,

cool beans." Versus like, "Oh, oh,

fuck." like same situation. It's all

about the perspective,

right? You're like, I adjusted my

expectations and this is going to be a

lovely trip.

Yeah.

If I can interrupt for just one second,

I

picture Larry

just accepting his new reality and then

Stephen Curtis Chapman dive just plays.

Stop it. Stop it.

I'm going in. I'm diving deep in over my

head. I want to be caught in the rushes.

Lost in the flow in over my head. I want

to go. The river's deep. The river's

wide. The river is the water. So sink or

swim.

How I mean that song was written for

this book.

Oh my god. In fact, the royalties from

that book are what paid GM from that

song are what paid GM Ferry for this.

Stephen Curtis Chapman, man, he was a

Never mind. I'm not going there. I'm not

going to I'm not saying that

that story is too dark to get into right

now.

Oh god.

Oh, we don't we need to bring up

We're not going to sing Cinderella.

Oh no. Why

damn it.

Damn it, ma'am. Okay.

I'm sorry. This is the last time I'm

going to be on this podcast.

So, just going dark. It's now Emily's

back to Emily's perspective and she is

still feeling very worked up after that

cucumber dream and needs a release and

she's like looking at the produce and

she's like I don't know why I brought

this produce in but when I picked it up

I felt something with that produce.

She's like I was very drawn to it was

like a zap of energy. So, she starts

masturbating,

thinking of the priest, grabs the tomato

and cucumber for the assist. It inserts

Larry.

Sure.

Um, and is rubbing the tomato on her

[ __ ] like on her like boobs at first

and then on her [ __ ]

I could see you had questions about

where the tomato went.

Yeah.

Yeah, I did, too. And then I was like,

"Oh, okay. This is Okay. Right. Here we

go. Thi this is what I I am absolutely

willing to accept that this is where the

tomato went and not ask more questions.

Agreed.

Yes. Right.

Yeah. I'm comfortable with that.

Um because

and I don't need to ask more questions

cuz pretty much immediately we're going

to switch to Bob's perspective. He's in

heaven as well. He's like this is a

weird dream but like I don't need to

feel guilty. I'm not sinning if I'm a

fruit. Like

I didn't do it. She did it. I just

happen to be here.

Yes. is very like I'm like it's like

soaking is like the equivalent of

[Music]

once again this episode will land for a

very specific group of people. If you

know what the Provo float is, you're in

the right podcast.

Oh my god. if you also participated in

Evangelical Sing Along with us, like

you get it.

Yeah, you get it.

Um, I was telling Hannah a while back

that I've been watching an episode, I

think it was of the challenge and there

was a trivia

challenge

and one of the questions had been like,

"Name a team in the SEC and this girl

goes BYU."

[Laughter]

No, sweetheart. I'm like, I don't I

don't think they're in the SEC.

They're not in the Southeastern

Conference.

I was like, and then as soon as she said

that, I was like, I learned a lot about

you. And her response is BYU is in the

SEC. I'm like, I I've learned so much

about you as a person.

Does she have the Mormon hair? That's

what I always imagine. You know, that's

like a whole

I do know what you're referring. She's a

little bit older than like the Mormon

hair, then like the mom talk.

Yeah. So, there's a whole like you can

tell the look and it's the not quite

blonde, but sort of beachy blonde wave,

but it's not a curl, but it's like a

loose wave and it's very long and

there's usually not a ton of volume up

top.

Have you watched Secret Lives of Mormon

Wives?

They all have the same hair.

That's who it's all based on. Like that

if you see an ad like that's what it is

all based on. Although I did realize I'm

like

a lot of the like there are some really

cute shops in Utah for sure and I

realized I was like oh all of the shops

that I shop at online

me and the Mormon mom talk are all

shopping at the same places

which I've embraced. They have cute

clothes.

Sometimes you do just have to lean in to

those sorts of situations.

You know we accept the clothes we leave

the soaking. Um,

and the magic underwear.

And the magic personally. The magic

underwear. Yes. Um, yeah. So, Bob is

getting rubbed on Emily's [ __ ] Larry's

inside of her

right back in

as Emily comes. Bob also comes um and

leaks. He's very excited. He leaks. He

feels a little hole puncture and he like

leaks his seed onto her.

Mhm.

And I just imagine someone with in a

kitchen with a knife trying to chop a

tomato that's like too juicy of a tomato

or the knife is too dull and it

Yes. And like when it and the tomato

just squishes.

Yeah.

That's the seed I'm imagining.

100%.

Yeah.

Like it just

Yeah. I can't. Nope.

No.

Right. So Bob's vision blurs away. He

like loses his consciousness. Mhm.

Emily wakes up later from her orgasm and

juice nap and is like, "Man, forgot how

nice that feels. It's been a while." Uh,

and finds two men at the end of her bed.

Don't worry, it is Bob and Larry. It's

not two new ones. But even still, it's

very jarring.

Yeah, she masturbated with two fruit and

woke up with both priests in her room.

Wow. That would make me spiral.

That would be the experience that would

be like,

"Please forgive me. I will never do

drugs or drink ever again. I'm going to

go completely like freaking vegan raw. I

will I swear to God. Like, no GMOs. Just

please

fully GMOs cuz I need to stay away from

the produce. I can't go raw vegan. Raw

vegan is what got us into this

situation. Holy, I will get scurvy. God

damn it.

Oh no, not god damn it. Please forgive

me.

Yeah. Yeah. And she's also wrestling

with she's like, I don't want to become

a nun, but maybe this is the right path

for me. And then smash cut two dudes in

her bed.

Well, I'm also like there are other

options. Like why is it

not in her mind? Yeah.

Yeah. It's one extreme or the other.

Like you don't have to be a nun and you

also don't have to [ __ ] a tomato.

The tagline for the show.

Like in fact that ven diagram is two

separate circles. Like

there's no overlap.

No overlap on that.

Zero overlap on that one. So as Larry's

coming to he's like whoa. Like he's

really groggy. He's like, "I had the

craziest dream that I was this cucumber

and like Bob was in it and he was a

tomato." But then Bob is kind of like,

"Wait, what?"

He was a very wideeyed tomato in this

moment.

Yes. Cuz Bob's like, "Wait, I had a

dream that I was a tomato and you were a

cucumber." And like they're like looking

at Emily and like everyone's trying to

put it together and then they're like,

"Wait." And cuz then Emily's like,

"Well, I did." Also, props to Emily for

confessing this because she says to

them, "I did bring a cucumber and a

tomato into my room with me." Um, which

is a a daring confession in this moment.

I was going to make a Greek salad.

Cut a little sleepy.

I would absolutely not. I would make

some [ __ ] up.

Was that Greek salad going to be tossed

or

Hey,

that was so bad. I'm so sorry.

Anyway,

not the Greek salad.

I don't know why I went for a Greek

salad. I could have gone for a nice

tibuli, but I didn't.

So, after Emily confesses that she did

bring a cucumber and tomato into her

room with her last night, they're like,

"Well, where are they?" So, they're like

looking

and they cannot find the cucumber and

tomato anymore and realize that they

were sentient fruit. Um, and Larry is

pondering out loud if this was a gift

from God. Um, I'm pondering if they got

into some weird mushrooms. Like, it's

wild to me that they're like,

"Obviously, we were we were the the

cucumber and the tomato." I mean, that's

the only logical thing. it so easily.

So [ __ ] fast.

Well, it was weird, but we both saw it,

right?

We both saw it. You know what? We were

fruit. We didn't sin. We're still good.

No foraging on the back 40 anymore.

That's me.

But then Bob is also very much suddenly

like, well, we're not fruit anymore. And

like

just takes off.

Sorry, but are they naked?

No. That is something that they do

address is it's very interesting when

they shift, they stay clothed.

Yep.

All right. So, when she woke up and both

of them were in her room with her, they

were wearing the pajamas that they had

fallen asleep wearing in the garden that

night.

Okay.

So, you would think there would be a

cucumber with a white t-shirt and navy

pajama pants would give it away, but

you would think that.

I don't know. Plot. There's there's a

little gap there, but we're fine.

You know what? I like that they don't

over complicate it. They're just like,

"The clothes stay on. Don't worry about

it.

Don't question it." Much like your

belief in God, don't question it.

[Music]

Sorry.

Um, but Bob is also very much like, "I'm

about to take advantage of you. We

aren't fruit anymore. We need to ask God

for some guidance ASAP." And just

leaves. Um, Bob is really great at just

leaving. He's very good at leaving.

Quite frankly,

it is my biggest

hangup with Bob.

Say more about that.

Well, as we continue in the book,

Yep.

like like Bob gets himself into a lot of

situ like like very intense emotionally

charged situations

and then just like bails and he does it

several times.

He does. He gets a little pouty. I'm

going to be real.

Yeah. But also once again does kind of

feel like how Veggie's about. I was

about to say that. It sounds cannon

though.

Yeah,

actually. Like I have the same thought.

I was like I feel weird cuz it kind of

feels like Bob's a little [ __ ] but

also Bob is a could be a little [ __ ]

right? Like

Yeah.

Out of he and Larry, Larry was the cool

hang.

He was the cool hang.

No one wanted to hang with Bob.

Maybe they did. I just didn't know those

people. If you wanted to hang with Bob,

we probably weren't friends.

That's a great take. M

yeah,

but I don't I mean but like Larry had

silly songs.

I was going to say Larry had like you

and me in our sport utility vehicle

which Bob did not have the same

approachability, you know.

No, he did not.

Total sidebar. You just referenced it.

Have we talked about silly songs with

Laurent yet?

We haven't.

Okay, we're getting there. Yeah. I mean,

there is like a reference later because

he's singing Everybody Wants a Water

Buffalo later on.

Oh my god. Right. So, the next day, Bob

avoids them all day. Is like, "We need

to go and pray and ask God for

guidance." And by guidance, I mean how

to stay away from y'all cuz I'm not

ready to have adult conversations. So,

it is now time for afternoon

confessionals. So, Bob is in the booth

waiting for the confessionals. Um,

and Larry enters and is like, "Forgive

me, father, but also we need to talk.

Like, sorry, man. We this like we we

turned into fruit last night. Like, you

really just going to walk away?"

I was inside her like as a cucumber.

Like, that's what I'm imagining the

energy he has is like, "Dude."

Well, and Larry's like, "Did it make you

question anything?" And Bob's like, "Is

that all it took for you to start

questioning?" And Larry's like, "Bro,

we've turned into [ __ ] produce."

Like, of course I'm questioning [ __ ] I

was a cucumber that she inserted inside

of her. Is that all it took for me to

question?

Like, what more do you need, dude? Like,

Jesus Christ. And that is the difference

between the youth group kids who are now

still church adults and the rest of us.

It's exactly right. We're all asking the

same questions, but given the context,

two completely different story lines.

Yeah.

I think we're all Larry in this

situation.

Yeah. Everybody in this room

looking at a Bob being like that's all

it took for you to question and you're

like I mean yeah

in this house we're all Larry.

I'm going to get a Larry Prince made for

each of y'all for Christmas. And just

enough time is going to pass that you're

going to forget about it and then you're

going to unwrap a gift.

I will die.

It's going to be incredible.

I'm going to show up with something

that's like instead of in this house we

serve the Lord. It's just in this house

we

Larry.

So many phallic references.

Yeah, I can go with the sign my sister

has that says tits out, bits out doing

God's work in her kitchen.

She does have that.

I'm obsessed.

Oh my gosh.

I didn't know your sister had that sign.

It's very good.

How's her alias show going?

It's pretty good.

Is it still going?

I don't know if she's put out a new

episode recently, but

Won, do you know about her sister's

alias show?

I know nothing. Give me a contest.

Do you remember the Jennifer Garner

show, Alias? Of course. So, my younger

sister who is queer, married, living in

Virginia, and

she is obsessed with it,

okay?

And so, she has started making videos of

like deep dives of alias story lines,

okay? and like how anti-Asian most of

them are and like it is it's

Is she still dressing up like the

characters though?

She does have wigs

cuz you know Jennifer Garner and her

wigs at that [ __ ] show.

She's about to get one more YouTube

subscriber.

Yes. When Hannah and my sister starting

a thing, I was like, "What? This is

incredible."

So it's like deep dives, not fanfiction.

Oh yeah. No, she like goes all the way

into the storyline and like you know

where like these Asian actors who like

aren't even really Asian, where did they

come from or like you know these

stereotypes they're leaning into in the

show and it's it's just

yeah

wow

she brings me a lot of joy. So, I

officiated her wedding and the only

guidance I received for the ceremony was

they wanted

something about gardening

and Danny DeVito

and that was it. That was all I

received.

So, there was a Tik Tok filter a couple

of years ago that was like, take a photo

of someone, it'll turn them into a Harry

Potter character.

I took a photo of my husband. It turned

him into Hermione, but it gave him like

a short wide bob that looked very Danny

DeVito.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And I had been telling a coworker about

it one day and she thought it was like

the funniest video cuz I had showed it

to her.

Uh that same day our exterminator was

coming to spray and he was walking

through my office and she thought it was

Vance walking into my office and just

goes well if it isn't the Danny Devito I

see

that's so good and then she just sees my

faces I'm going

so

completely

completely unrelated but genuinely my

favorite tweet of all time was some like

aquarium or something tweeted that the

um barnacle has the largest penis

compared to its body mass of any

creature on the planet. And Danny DeVito

replied and said, "Please stop calling

me the barnacle." And when I tell you I

think about that once a week, I think

about that once a week.

You're like, "This is my Roman Empire."

Yes. I'm like, it was in like 2016.

Please stop calling me the Barnacle.

Just so good.

A [ __ ] national treasure if ever

there was one.

Truly. So, the only way I could figure

to work Danny Devito into that wedding

ceremony was just to say, "By the power

vested in me by Danny Devito, I now

pronounce you married."

Did you have to say the state of Georgia

as well or just standing?

No, because I had done the actual

marriage license before.

So, this was just like, you know, for

family and friends and stuff. So,

I went to a wedding. That was the first

wedding where I like really realized

that was happening cuz I went, "Wow,

this these vows are out of pocket for an

actual like official." I'm like, "What

is happening here? Is this legal?

I was like, "Oh, they already signed the

legally binding agreement. This is just

for shits and giggles."

So, we had to do the marriage license

twice because my they wanted you to put

your title on the license. And I was

like, I don't have a title. I got this

[ __ ] on the internet like what? And my

sister just wrote in the gay reverend.

And they rejected it and said that is

not a real title.

So, we had to do it again.

I like that your sister was the one who

like your sister's own marriage license

got rejected because of her addition to

it.

The gay reverend.

My sister didn't want to be the matron

of honor because she thought it sounded

frumpy. Yeah.

So, she was listed everywhere as our

Duchess of Matrimony.

Oh my god, I remember that.

That's very good.

You were there. You were in it.

I was I was there.

Yeah.

You You stood up by my husband at the

altar.

I did.

And said, "I'll make sure he keeps these

vows." Not that there was ever any

doubt.

Right. I was like, "Cool, man. You're

fine."

One of the easiest job ever. One of my

uh like my parents lifelong friends who

were at our wedding. uh she's a wedding

planner and she was actually just she

wasn't our wedding planner but she was

very kind and was helping me with my

wedding dress when I was like trying to

use the restroom and helping bustle it

and it was still just like I think of it

relatively often. She she was talking

about cuz she'd never met Vance before,

just saw him at our wedding and she

goes, "Looking at you all together, it's

really nice to see how into you he is."

And I was like, "Oh, okay." Cuz she was

her daughter is like a year or two

younger than me and had like d like

married to a wonderful man now, but like

had dated a couple [ __ ] along the

way. And she was like, "Yeah, like

that's how like my daughter's like most

recent boyfriend looks at her like just

like he's so in like you can tell it's

legit." And I remember being like, "Oh,

that's really lovely."

Yes.

And

I will also say this, shout out to Laura

Wade. Wherever you are in the universe

right now, she has the ability to pick

like the perfect like whimsical and

practical thing off a registry. Like the

thing that you're like, "Oh, this was

fun, but like like this is fun. I don't

necessarily need it, but it's not so

frivolous it won't be utilized."

She my wedding registry and my baby

registry. She did it both times. I was

like, I don't know what your registry

witch power is, but you have it.

You can just look and be like, this is

this is the gift for them. I'm like,

yeah, that's nice.

Yeah, that's a power I want to have.

Cuz I'm usually like, I see towels. Got

them.

And I'm like, well,

that's a cool looking blender.

The shower starts in an hour, so

everything else was already purchased.

Um,

I've done that. I'm just going to ship

some diapers to your house.

Mhm. And honestly, what a gift that is,

right? Like,

like it works just as well.

Yeah.

Okay. Where were we? Bob, Larry,

Bob, Larry.

Bob ran away cuz Yeah,

Larry's like, "Yeah, maybe I am

questioning some things."

Sorry.

Yeah, Bob came in hot with the

existential questions

that we were all asking ourselves at one

point in our lives.

Larry is talking about how like it like

he's like it felt holy. Like what

happened with Emily like felt like a

spiritual experience at some level.

Um and then he is like, "Well, since I'm

at confession, I'm I'm going to

confess."

Mhm.

I jerk off as often as I can. It's like

he's confessing this to Bob and Bob's

like, "Yeah, like I've I've jerked off,

too." And Bob's like, "Oh, no." Larry's

like, "Oh, I thought you didn't I

thought you stopped after seminary."

And I was like, "You thought this man

had not hadn't ejaculated in 15 years?"

Yeah.

Also, what does that do to someone's

psyche if you have not come for 15

years?

That's right.

Nothing good.

And Larry also said that the last time

he had sex was the day before he left

for seminary.

Yeah, but Larry's also come since then.

That's true.

But yeah, what is it?

Right. I'm like if you are like

well and he's come with another person

even if he wasn't actually touching him

like the connection was still there in

some way at least for a little while you

know

but yeah that can mess with your psyche

just hard stop for the next 15 years

oh my gosh yeah I'm like okay so 15

years of like repressing

everything and also not having an outlet

let her a space to talk or process

through it, I think is is another big

aspect of that for sure.

So, as they have confessed that they've

like both

continued to masturbate through the

years, even though they were apparently

doing that in secret, Bob is getting

aroused. He starts like unzipping his

pants and then Larry is unzipping his

pants and then they are they both just

masturbate on either side of the

confessional booth.

Mhm.

Yeah. And like Larry is like also real

good at dirty talk. Like Larry's like

asking if Bob is thinking of him like

imagining. He's like I'm imagining your

like your lips around my [ __ ] right now.

I'm like you are good sir.

Yeah. that mouth though.

He's like, I've been I've been imagining

using these words for 15 years.

A lot of time to think about it.

Yes.

Yeah.

1,000%.

And honestly, good for him for saying

them out loud. Not feeling not feeling

shy about it. Just being like, "Oh, this

is the moment. Let's go.

It's my time to shine."

So now it's like the next night, so like

two full business days have kind of

passed.

Yeah. Well, cuz Emily's like, "I'm

annoyed. It's been 2 days and they

haven't talked to me about any." And

then when she's like I'm like, "Okay, so

that was yesterday morning. The whole

day passed. They didn't talk to you last

night. It's now the end of the next day.

Got it." I'm like,

I feel like that this is a weird

situation, Emily. You're allowed to take

two days to process that you turned into

a tomato.

But it would be hell awkward to like all

technically be in the same space and

just be like,

"Okay."

Yeah. Tiptoeing around this parish.

Well, and that is valid. And that

Emily's like, "I'm not going to tiptoe

around. We're going to have a

conversation about this." So when she

makes dinner that night, she sets a

plate for herself as well. And she's

like, "We're going to have this

conversation." She's like, "Dinner's

ready. Come on." Like, "Let's

let's talk." What

about Emily?

And so as they're like talking, it's

like she asks like if they like know why

it happened. She like, "Is it a God

thing that this happened?"

Um, I do have the the quote written.

Nothing in the Bible suggests this has

happened before, but it could still be a

God thing.

You know, I read through the the source

material, didn't find anything.

Not even in the apocryphal, you guys. It

wasn't even in the deep cuts.

You know, I feel like that's the mindset

of a lot of people in America now. He's

like, "It's not in the Bible, but this

could still be a God thing." and then

gestures broadly [ __ ] that's happening.

They're just like, "Close enough."

I feel like he would have said it

though. Like maybe he didn't technically

say it, but like he would have said it.

That's the energy of like half the Tik

Tockers now. Like

Well,

this neck move. Yes.

And I'm also like not to like

get too theological about it, but I'm

like

Jesus had no issues speaking his mind

and his opinions on things.

Very true.

No, I'm thinking of the talking donkey.

Do you remember what's his name? On the

road and the donkey.

I've been out of seminary for long

enough that you went the talking donkey

and I went, "Yeah, Shrek."

That's a different GM fairy book

apparently. Yes. Eddie Murphy.

I'm now imagining Eddie Murphy in that

Bible story and it's a lot better.

So much better.

It's so much better.

But the donkeyy's wearing the purple

suit from Raw and it's just completely

unhinged.

Anyway,

so as they're having this conversation,

like, you know, nothing in scripture

says this is bibl biblical, but like

maybe it's still a god thing.

He works in mysterious ways.

They then suddenly remember the old

witch lady and the cloak.

Sure. Sure.

Um, cloak equals witch. Everybody knows

that.

You get it.

And maybe it's the cloak with the weird

prophetic words, right? Not just the

cloak.

Yeah. Right. Right. Right.

But if it's a cloak and she has a mole,

it probably

Yeah. They make a reference to her being

like, I was so close to the boil on her

nose. I'm like, did you just watch Snow

White 5 minutes before watching this?

Right. And how close did you get to her?

Right.

Yeah. I'm like, so she was standing

there, but like how close were you? Had

that question as well.

Yeah. So,

uh, Bob is like remembering that it's

like, you know, like she mentioned the

harvest moon and that like things would

be brought to light. Uh,

fruits of your something.

Fruits of your souls.

Yes.

Not fruits of the spirit.

Yes. Not a

similar but different.

Um, Emily asks like if it'll if they

like think it'll happen again and they

say no. And then there's just like a

loud popping sound and then there she's

just like, "Oh man, I'm just sitting

here with two sexy veggies."

I just wanted to see Hannah's face.

Yeah.

Sexy veggies. Sexual vegetables.

It's all in there.

Vegetables.

Oh god.

Do you remember that old like parody

song by Dave Loenstein that Sexual

Professional?

Uhhuh.

Yeah.

Okay.

Hey,

that was a deep cut. I'm glad someone

knew it.

Speech Trainers LLC was his full band.

Big fan back in the day.

Oh, yes. I'm a sexual professional and I

thought you all should know that my

that my testicles are flexible.

At least in terms of who they need to

know. It's on a need to know basis.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's on that's what I

remember is it's on a need to know

basis. on a need to know basis

cuz I'm a sexual professional.

I'm a sexual professional. I thought you

should know.

I want you to know you're about to [ __ ]

up my Spotify rap.

The great news is I'm probably not.

You might.

I'm going to [ __ ] up your YouTube

browsing history from like 0708.

Your algorithm is

but your Spotify wrapped will be intact.

It's going to be intact.

So Emily

keeps her hands to herself, all things

considered, brings Larry and Bob into

her room and just places them gently on

the floor. Um,

on the floor.

I have that thought.

Why not?

Yeah. Not even on the bed. On the dress.

Well, the dresser if they turn back into

humans.

Oh, I was going to say open a dresser

drawer and place them gently

so they can be comfortable like a baby

in the 1920s.

No. Do you remember when we reviewed The

Haunted Vagina?

Uh, no. I repressed it pretty hard.

Yes, I remember.

Walls.

Okay. There was a scene in The Haunted

Vagina where he was trying to climb back

out of her vagina.

Yeah.

Sorry, Weston. You weren't here for that

one.

No, I'm in this.

He was trying to climb out of her vagina

cuz he fell through the portal that was

in her vagina.

Yes. Got it. Um, but by that point she

was driving. The car had jeans on. So

she told him he had to stay in there

because she couldn't stop moving. She

couldn't pull over. So she's like, "Get

back in there, bro." So he had to stay

in her vagina. Um, and that's what I

imagine if we put Larry and Bob in

drawers,

then they're just trying to get back out

and the drawers aren't big and stay in

there. They're like one leg out like

so nothing really happened.

They just were vegetables in her room,

but they're all human again in the

morning. And it seems as though now

Robert Bob has changed his tune a little

bit because he's like, I'm not sure why

he chose to turn us into vegetables, but

if I'm a tomato, I'm I'm not a man of

God. I'm just a veggie and veggies can't

sin.

So I'm like, it really feels like we're

doing some mental gymnastics. It feels

like when you're like, if I have anal

sex, I'm still a virgin.

Right. Right. Right. It doesn't count.

We're going back to so

butt sex for Jesus.

It doesn't count. But sex. So

if my friend is on the corner of the bed

shaking it, but I'm not moving.

Right.

Then I'm not sinning. Correct.

Meanwhile, in the kink community, people

are like, "You kind of basically had a

threesome." Like,

right? Like Oh, so you brought a third

into the scene.

Yeah. Love that for you.

We're such a weird species,

dude.

Dude,

um it seems as though they all agree in

this moment that they will explore the

space as veggies.

Mhm.

Um

and the space.

So they're like, "We now consent."

Oh, yeah. They were talking about how

experience they've ever had.

The holiest. It was like they

sorry

they Yeah. They were like I we've never

felt this way before. But there was

something that unlocked when we were a

cucumber and a tomato. Let's explore

this.

But only if we're a cucumber and a

tomato.

That's right. Cuz veggies can't sin.

Yeah. Cuz we aren't sinning. If that is

the situation.

Yes.

So as they get up to leave, they morph

again back into a cucumber and a tomato.

And Emilyy's like, "Well, no time like

the present." So she gets naked, is

rubbing Bob on her [ __ ] again, inserts

Larry. Also, just here throwing this out

there, if Bob leaked his tomato seed,

logic would tell us that maybe Larry

also leaked his cucumber seed, do we

have concerns about a UTI? If you are

inserting a vegetable within yourself

and it's leaking,

I do. Yes. I genuinely was like, so

several questions including but not

limited to are we concerned about a UTI

or yeast infection, but also like we

don't know the situation for pregnancy

here. Like

Oh god. Yeah.

What kind of seed?

How much of them morphed?

Oh my gosh. You can just make your own

garden now,

right?

No. No. I'm so No, no, no. I'm imagining

as children when we were all told that

if you eat a watermelon seed, you will

grow a watermelon. And she's got this

big belly. And it's like, I don't know.

Could be.

His Have you met Bob?

His dad's a a cucumber, so can't tell.

I hate it. Both Bob and Larry are now uh

practicing wiggling their bodies a

little bit. So now they vibrate.

which for everyone's pleasure.

I was going to say, all right.

Yeah.

Yeah. Everybody wins here.

Um,

and at this point, Larry's having such a

great time. He's like, I might just want

to stay a cucumber.

He's like, I feel more like myself than

I felt in so long. This is great. Poor

Larry. I hope when I come back, I come

back as like, you know, a sunflower. I

just hang out for one season. I turn

towards the sun. people take pictures

and then I'm done. Like that sounds

great. It sounds like he's like, you

know,

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

I don't have to worry about anything.

Don't have to worry about sinning.

I just wiggle my body a little bit.

We got I just do that shoulder shimmy

from that one Icy Hot commercial with

Shaq.

Shack.

What a great pull.

You know what I'm talking about. I use

that gif at least like five times a

week.

Yes,

it's a solid one. That is a solid

Okay. Um I don't even know.

She was [ __ ] home again. Oh yeah,

that's a Larry was living his best life.

That's a cucumber. He doesn't want to go

back.

He was.

And I get it. When you've been

repressing yourself for 15 years and you

suddenly feel free again.

Yeah, I get it.

They've now returned their human form.

It's Sunday morning. Larry was a bit

distracted throughout the week, so it's

not his best sermon. Um,

he almost like drops an fbomb from the

pulpit at one point. Is like make uses a

weird analogy that's like,

yeah, sorry. It's like, what does he

say? He goes, it's just like when I got

my lip stuck on that gate, you know, and

Bob's like, what the [ __ ] are you

talking about? Your lip stuck on a gate.

Like nothing. Absolute crickets.

Yeah.

Which is another veggie.

I was gonna say that's a veggie dale.

I got my lips stuck in a gate.

Yeah.

Something something something.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

No, that No, I was singing the Got my

lipstick to to a gate to the water

buffalo. They're different songs.

They are different songs.

Sorry everyone. I apologize.

What sort of lowlevel podcast are we

offering that I'm messing up? When I

tell you right now that Weston said, "I

did some research." And I was like, "You

did what?"

Just a little bit of research.

Yeah. I had to unlock some memories.

Different energies. Different energies.

So, Bishop Archabald um did decide to do

Yeah. Did a surprise visit.

Wasn't he asparagus?

I think that's right.

Archie. Wasn't he asparagus?

Archie the asparagus. Hang on.

Dang.

Or was he broccoli?

I knew there were references I was

missing.

No,

like Gail and Archable.

You're right. Archable asparagus.

Nailed it.

Nice.

Thank you.

With the professor glasses.

Mhm.

Yeah. As soon as you

Yeah.

I'm like, "Yeah, with the glasses."

He was the dad to the little one.

Oh, yeah.

His name I don't Yeah. Junior.

Oh.

Uhhuh.

And the dad is in the got my lip stuck

in a gate

song. But um Bishop Archerald is not

thrilled with Larry's sermon and

performance.

Um

underperformed a little bit. So they get

a talking to in private. Um

and so after like the bishop leaves, Bob

and Larry are talking and Bob's like,

"Don't let them see who we are in

private." Like I know like we like we

swear a lot when we're like behind

closed doors, but like you can't do

those things in front of the

congregation. And Larry's kind of like

maybe I don't want to be a separate

person in private. Maybe I just like

want to be who I am at all times. Like

maybe I want more. And Bob is like wow

turning into a cucumber and getting put

inside Emily has made you real selfish.

Like

what a sentiment.

Yeah.

Yes. He's like this whole No. Like,

stop. Don't question these things. Like,

we can no longer [ __ ] around as

vegetables if you're going to question

these things.

At no point have I known what you were

going to say next to me.

Yeah, that's fair. But there is

something about the idea of being like

if turning into a cucumber at night is

giving you an existential crisis during

the day like we can't do this anymore.

There's something about that sentiment

that is just

sending me well. And it's interesting

how quickly they vacasillate, right?

Because as soon as they turned in to

produce, they were like, maybe this is a

gift from God. And then as soon as this

has all happened and like he had a bad

sermon in front of the bishop, Bob's

like, "Maybe God sent the bishop here as

a warning." Like, "No, you can't have

both. You can't have that." It's like

both a gift from God and you're now

being warned against engaging in it.

You need to decide. Is this a test or is

this a gift?

Yeah.

Yes. And Larry's asking Bob like not to

shut this down and like not to like step

away from it.

Bob saying he like doesn't want all of

this to ruin them. I'm like, Bob, you're

so [ __ ] dramatic.

Yeah, he's being the pity party. And

Larry's just leaning into it. Just

embracing those carnal desires.

Larry's energy is far more like, you

know, everyone has a bad Sunday. Oh

well. Like, and Bob's like, "This is a

sign that we can no longer let Emily rub

us against herself when she when we are

vegetables and not able to move our

bodies outside of vibrate for her

pleasure,

right?

And Larry's like, "What's for lunch?"

Is it tomatoes?

Because Larry would be into that.

And as this is escal, like in this tense

moment, Larry ends up kissing Bob. Bob

returns the kiss. They have this like

very emotional kiss and then Bob runs

out. As I said, Bob kind of runs out

like a [ __ ]

Yeah.

Several time. I'm like, I want great

things for Bob in life and I need him to

stop running out of the room when things

get hard.

Seriously.

Yes.

Well, and it's like, you know, if you

are an internal processor and you need

time, you can say, "I need time to

process. I promise I'm going to like

we're going to address it though." Like,

and then you step away if that's what

you need to do.

Yeah. Um Bob's response instead and so

we're actually about to switch to

Emily's perspective. Emily's really

annoyed and it's related to Bob because

Bob just slid a note under her door that

was like, "Hey, like this arrangement is

done. Signed Bob and Larry." Signed for

both of them.

Yeah. Which Larry had nothing to do with

it.

Yes. So like Emily's out in the garden

annoyed cuz like they haven't even said

anything to her. He just like slipped a

note under the door.

Feels like the priestly equivalent of a

breakup text.

Yes.

1,000%. So she's annoyed, but she does

like hear guitar music or something. So

she like starts wandering and following

the music and finds Larry in the woods

playing Everybody Wants a Water Buffalo.

Mhm.

Yours is fast but mine is slow.

Yeah. That wasn't the line that they had

in the book in a way that I'm like I

don't recognize the line. Like everybody

wants a water buffalo. Yours is fast but

mine is slow. Where' they come from? I

don't know. Everybody wants

took my water took my buffalo to a

store, got his tail stuck in a door.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I forgot about that

one. Yeah.

Silly songs with Larry, man.

Yeah. So good. YouTube it if you're not

familiar, right?

Yeah. I would say I would say you're

welcome. But

it's going to be weirder. You're going

to make this is what they were

referencing.

Yeah,

it is. It is gonna be significantly

weirder. So,

if you don't have the trauma to go along

with it, it makes no sense.

First,

did I say I wish I had told you to pause

and go check out Silly Songs with Larry

before we continue the episode so you'd

have some context.

Well, and like there's even like she's

like, "Oh, like do you like enjoy

writing songs?" Like, "Yeah, I'd love to

have like silly songs with Laurent on

like Sundays at like the church or the

kids in the future."

Y heard.

Yep.

But also Larry can tell she's in a bit

of a mood and she's like,

"Well, yeah, getting a signed letter

that all this is done is like not a

great way that this could have been."

And Larry's like, "What? I Bob freaking

a like I had no idea." So like we

Larry's very quick to be like, "I did

not sign my name on that letter. That

was all Bob. I know nothing about this.

I continue to consent."

Yes, he continues to consent in a real

way. Um because like within about 20

seconds it escalates where Emily's like,

"Well, if Bob I know like Bob seems like

Bob is if Bob weren't in charge and you

were in charge, how would you handle

this situation?" And he's like, "I'd

start by kissing you." Yes, of course.

Of course. That's the logical.

We've reached the moment.

Don't speak about it. Be about it.

Yep.

It escalates. He ends up eating her out

in the woods. They then raw dog it and

then afterwards he realizes like she's

like, "I just [ __ ] a priest and not as

a cucumber. Like I just [ __ ] an actual

priest."

Yeah.

Yeah, baby girl, you did. Like you

you didn't realize that until after.

Like you He's not a cucumber right now.

I thought it was obvious that he wasn't

a cucumber right now.

Yeah, she's not dreaming. He's not

unzipping pants and there's a cucumber

down there. This is real.

I got to say that like

without um

interference from substances. I can't

say that I've ever been like, "Oh, I

just did that." in a sexual context like

specifically like

right well I think it's more of like

like it feels like the natural

progression and then afterward she's

like oh right

you know he wasn't a cucumber

now that you mention it

he had five not five 10 fingers and 10

toes

I was like five What?

The pause on your face like nope.

I just straight up did not finish a book

where the guy was cursed and so his dick

had four heads on it and I was like if

you're about what are you saying to me?

I was like I was all buckled up and

ready. You can't do that.

I have questions. I really hated it. So

I only made it like 17% in. Oh 17% in

and he already had a foreheaded dick.

Yeah.

Mhm. Okay. As someone who's never had a

penis, Weston.

Yes.

Does that sound intriguing to you as a

dude? Or are you like, "No, that sounds

like

a nightmare and a half."

Yeah. Nightmare and a half. Are you

kidding me?

I didn't even get to a sex scene to be

like, "Do how do they all What where do

you put them all? Like, what are you

doing?"

Logistically, we have questions.

I was like, "I don't care enough to find

out." So,

as a fantasy, you're like, "Oh, yeah, I

could pleasure four women at the same

time." But then physically, like that,

no.

You're like, "I'm just trying to shoot

into one urinal."

You're like the sprinkler they used to

put in the yard for kids to like

You were born for the trough at baseball

stadiums.

You're just in there alphaing every dude

just like check it four streams.

Yeah, you're definitely not waiting like

you either are waiting for a stall in

shame where you're like I just need to

do this in private or you're like hey

everybody look at my foreheaded dick

intimidation stations.

Yes,

I needed to have the alpha status of

this restroom.

Truest park.

Men are weird creatures.

Okay, confirm.

Cuz in that situation, I'll be a beta.

Thank you. I don't feel the need for the

alpha designation. I got to be honest.

Fair enough.

If it requires a foreheaded penis. Real

talk, if I can increase the flow by four

times though and get out of the bathroom

in like 10 seconds, that sounds kind

kind of great though.

Okay. From a utilitarian standpoint, I

understand the draw,

right?

Yeah. Um, but from a practical

logistical standpoint,

everything else is negative.

Yeah, for sure.

Imagine having a Jacob's ladder piercing

Oh.

on a foreheaded dick.

Now you've got eight streams.

[Laughter]

That's a Prince Albert.

That's a different

Prince Albert. You're right.

I don't know why. I was like,

you can't. It just becomes a Prince

Albert.

That's a Prince Albert. You're right.

Okay. So, into Pounded by Pro

10 fingers and one a oneheaded penis.

One a Yes.

So grateful to have established.

Well, and like they like finish having

sex and she realizes she [ __ ] a

priest. And that's just like kind of

where the scene ends. We're now switched

back to Bob's perspective. He's in his

office, hasn't really talked to Emily

since he slid the note under her door,

but is looking out his office window and

sees her like trying to jump up into a

tree for something and then starts to

see her climbing the tree and is like,

"What? No, she's going to hurt herself.

How could she do that? Let me run out

and make sure she's safe."

Bob's kind of annoying in that way.

Um, and so he like rushes out to like

scold her and help her. And then he

tells her, he's like, "Okay, take a step

back onto this branch." She misses the

branch, falls into his arms, falls onto

him, they fall onto the ground, and then

he climbs the tree for her. Her hat blew

off in the wind. It blew into the tree.

He's climbing the tree for her hat.

Okay.

She's very impressed with his tree

climbing abilities.

Yes.

What we all look for in a mate.

Yes. Now, what I will say is this is

seems like there is a little moment

between them because she's like, "Wow,

like you're really good at this." He's

like, "It's one of my hobbies like tree

climbing." She's like, "Really?" And

he's like, I was being a little

facicious. He's like, "Woodworking is

one of my hobbies." And he's like, "What

are your hobbies?" And she's like, "Oh,

actually like I don't really think I

have any." And like gives him a little

bit of context into like the

relationship she escaped from and just

kind of figuring out her footing. Um,

but then Bob is like suddenly like, "I

need to apologize. We took advantage of

you. We were supposed to be authority

figures as like priests and like we took

advantage of you." And Emily's like,

"Bob, you turned into into a tomato and

I rubbed you on my [ __ ] Like, be so for

real right now. Like, you you did not

take advantage

of anything. Like, be so for real, man.

He took advantage

of me.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

And something about Emily just looking

at the priest like be so for real right

now, man. Like

like verbatim quote. It was so good.

That's very good.

No, you did not take advantage of me. I

rubbed you against my person when you

were a tomato.

And then he's like, well, like you can

trust, like Bob's like, trust me,

nothing will happen again. And Emily's

like, "Well, what if something already

has happened again?" Because she did

already [ __ ] Larry out in the woods. Bob

didn't see that coming. Is not thrilled

about the turn of turn of events and

gets very like grabs her and he's like,

"Well, what happened? Tell me what

happened."

Yeah. Bob's jealous.

Yeah. Like Bob is very jealous,

demanding clarification.

And Emily's like, "Why would you get

angry at me for messing around with the

love of your life?"

Oh. Hey, [ __ ] you, Emily. Way to come.

Emily's like, "I have so had enough.

Let me tell you about yourself."

Seriously, like respect to Emily. She

started off like, "I don't know what I'm

doing in my life." And now she's calling

these guys out for their [ __ ] It's

great.

I like it.

Well, and she also asked, she's like,

"Who are you jealous of? Like, who are

like what?"

And then Bob kind of realizes he's like,

"Oh, I'm not jealous of one or the

other." He's like, "I just feel left

out." M

um

FOMO.

Yes. And so then he bite like goes to

kiss her, bites her lip really hard to

the point that she like pushes him back

and like screams a little and he's like

no more and walks away.

Yeah. See, Bob's a [ __ ]

Yeah, Bob. But also like once again,

true to canon.

Yeah.

Way to go, GM Fairy. Can't fault you.

Like this was not lazy research. She

nailed it. I know. I'm like, this is how

I feel like Bob would respond

and how Larry would respond.

Yeah.

Emily can't sleep that night, you know,

which makes sense. There's a lot going

on. She goes to the chapel. She decides

to go into the confessional for like the

first time in her life because she's

never been a religious person and is

just like talking out loud telling God

about the two hot priests and just like

what wishes someone would tell her what

to do and how to move forward.

And then the door opens and Bob's

standing there.

He's back.

I'll tell you what to do.

Exactly.

Not even I'll tell you what to do. On

your knees.

There it is.

Yep.

Yep. And Emily's like, "Say less

tomato."

Texas size 104, bud.

Yeah,

you're [ __ ] 10fly, bud.

He is. He then just like pretty much

face [ __ ] her. She's super into it.

She's rubbing herself off while he's

face [ __ ] her. And once again, he

comes down her throat and then goes,

"Never again." And just runs off into

the night again. I'm like, "Bob, Bob,

be so for real right now, Bob.

Yeah.

And then we learn her perspective and

she was so into it.

I'm sure.

Oh, yeah.

So into it.

Well, and also you're sitting there

being like, I this man just came down my

throat. I've just come and now I'm just

sitting here catching my breath as he

takes off in a chapel.

Yeah. Yeah.

Lesson learned. Communicate, Bob. ask a

question because then you learn no,

she's into it and all your problems are

solved,

right?

Yeah. A lot of a lot of his problems are

solved by knowing that it's mutual. It's

like God save us for men trying to save

us. Like we got it like

Yes. So now it's what probably like the

next night. I don't know. Time's fluid.

Yeah. Yeah. There's it's not great

detail.

And you know what?

Who cares?

We don't need it. We're we're not

lacking it, but we're It's Emily's

perspective and she once again is like

calling a dinner meeting to be like,

"Hey, we got to clear the air, figure

this all out." Um, and so Larry starts

off and is like looks at Bob's like, "I

asked Emily if you knew that we fucked."

And Bob's like, "Did she tell you that

we fucked?" And Emily's kind of like,

"Okay, stop." Like we we we didn't

technically [ __ ] you came down my

throat

if we're going to split hairs. Right.

But I think the the funniest part about

all of this is that after Bob's like,

"Did she tell you we fucked?" They can

they both confirm that it happened when

they were humans and not vegetable.

They're like human, right? Like Yeah.

Yeah. All right. Cool.

But I mean that is important in noting

that like

Yeah, it is.

The relationship has moved to the next

level.

Yes. It has progressed for sure.

We're all active participants.

Larry is wanting to continue this

arrangement.

Bob says no. Emily is annoyed at Bob for

trying to choose for them all.

Um

and Larry's like, "Okay, well, like I if

you want to stay and like keeps like I

can leave and like be with Emily sort of

energy."

Yeah.

And Bob's like, "Okay, then leave."

Larry's like, "So you'd be okay with

like watching me make her mine?" and

then decides to like start progressing

that in general like goes over starts

like playing with her boobs like putting

his hand down her pants and then it

suddenly escalates to the point where

like Bob is watching them. He now has

his dick out of his pants and is

masturbating watching them.

Larry now has Emily bent over the table

as he's [ __ ] her. They're all about

to reach the inevitable conclusion of

the scene.

Does Gail show up?

Gail does show up. Yeah.

Count it. And is mortified. End of

chapter.

They hear a scream. And you'd initially

be like, "Yeah, of course you scream.

It's the end of the orgasm." Like, "Oh,

no. It's Gail.

It's Gail."

What was that book? Uh, Altered by Fire

where the nun died. She walked in on

them having an orgy and the nun had a

heart attack.

I mean, they were [ __ ] her with the

prayer candle. on the alter.

On the altar.

Yeah.

That she was tied to.

Yeah. With their vestments.

They weren't real priest in that one. In

that one, they were like undercover like

spies or something.

Spies or mercenaries or something who

were pretending to be priests to keep an

eye on this

one villain. Yeah. who's then his

daughter happened to come seek refuge in

the church and then just starts she was

seeking refuge after her dad killed her

boyfriend while they were [ __ ] he

like shot him in the head while they

were [ __ ] so she goes to seek refuge

at the church and then just [ __ ] the

four fake priests.

Yeah,

you're welcome. You don't need to read

it now.

Thank god it listen to the episode. It

is an episode if you if you do want to

go back and hear it in its entirety. But

a nurse, not a nurse, a nun, very

different. The nun needed a nurse

because when she showed up, um, she was

a bit taken back that they were [ __ ]

her with the prayer candle

and she died.

And she and she died of shock.

She died.

The end.

The end. That's all you need to know.

So now it's like the next day.

They're not priests anymore. They're

just normal men now.

Yep.

Bishop Archable has been called

took off the

collars.

Yep.

They did.

Um, which

technically they're trials in a month.

Go for it. What were you going to say?

Take a guess. We obviously hear both of

their perspectives. We hear Larry's. We

hear Bob's. Take a guess on what Larry's

perspective is and what Bob's

perspective is.

Larry is probably like, "Cool beans. Get

to be with Emily. All right, let's see

what happens next.

I'm enjoying myself.

And Bob is probably more We're being

punished by the Lord for defiling

whatever.

Yes.

Yeah.

And what does Bob want to do?

End it.

Oh, that got darker. Join a monastery.

No, not not his life. a relationship.

And Bob was served with some lovely bara

and balsamic vinegar at the end.

And then the tomato got involuntarily

hospitalized.

They had margarita pizza in Bob's

memory. Oh my god. I'm sorry. I'm so

sorry. No, I really meant the

relationship.

Okay. Okay.

Bob just wants to end it all. The

relationship.

Yes. And he wants to move to a monastery

and become a monk. He's leaving

tomorrow.

Yes. Also,

what monasteries accept new monks that

quickly?

Right.

The ones that I Yeah. I don't know.

Plot holes be plot hole.

Yeah.

Yeah. That's I have I take bigger issue

with how quickly he got accepted into a

new monastery over the fact that he

turned into a tomato

apparently.

So I stand fallen down a hole of history

YouTube random weirdness.

Okay.

And I just have it on most of the time.

And I learned so much about a guy named

the venerable bead who was from like the

sixth or seventh century and he was a

monk and his parents just dropped him

off at the monastery when he was seven

and that's how he became a monk. So I'm

like it was different back then.

Like that's what families would do. They

would choose one child to give to the

church. And so the venerable bead was

left when he was seven at a monastery.

But also what's like fascinating in that

situation is like the way you just said

it being like the family chooses one.

Like it's an honor, right? Like you're

like gifting and like offering your

child. It's not like a

oh

he wouldn't shut up so we just dropped

him off at the local monaster. No. No.

It's not like that. No. Um, yeah. It's

super interesting though. That is

the general bead.

Yep. Most of what we know about like the

Romans in Britain comes from bead.

Interesting.

Mhm.

Huh. Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. I'll have to learn

more about that. Off pod.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll send you a link. So, while Bob is

now like, I'm joining a monastery.

Larry's like, you're being ridiculous.

Like, this like does not have to be how

it is. Like Larry's like, "We can all be

together. Like there's nothing stopping

us. Like we are all flesh and blood at

this point." Right.

Right. Consenting adults and all that.

Um Bob is spiraling and he's like,

"Well, like I can't choose between you

and Emily and I like don't want to hurt

anyone else." And like Larry was once

getting kind of like no one's no one's

asking you like you aren't getting this

situation.

Right. Right. Right.

Um

nobody said choose my guy.

Yeah. And so Larry's like, "No, like we

all feel it. Like you're you're not

getting this." And Larry kisses him

again.

Bob escalates it very quickly. While

Larry starts to kiss, Bob takes Larry's

dick out pretty immediately and starts

like jacking him off. Larry then takes

Bob's dick out. So they're just like

making out, standing there jacking each

other off.

Larry once again has some dirty talk. Uh

they both orgasm and then once again

Bob shuts down. Yeah.

Rolls away.

Yeah.

[Music]

It's very much a dream come true for the

boys.

They wanted this for a while.

Well, but Larry's also like like

declares his love like asks him to stay

and Bob is like I'm joining the

monastery. You will move beyond this.

Yeah.

And just like shuts it down. But it was

very sweet the way he said it. He's

like, "This was never about God. This

was about you. Like, I wanted to be with

you." And it was like, "Oh my god,

dinner."

And but yeah, and then Bob was like,

"No." And throws his fit and goes away.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I hope they gave him a stupid bowl cut

at the monastery.

Frier Bob.

Yes.

I'm just imagining a tomato with a

really long like stem.

Oh my god. Do you are you familiar with

the band Electric Callboy? They're a

really ridiculous German metal core, but

they do like techno metal fusion [ __ ]

There's one video called We Got the

Moves where they're all wearing black

wigs that just are a literal bowl cut.

every single member of the band and then

as people show up to like rage at this

party that they're having, everybody

suddenly is has the same wig on

and it's literally exactly what you're

describ. It's just black. It's so good.

Even the mini horse they had in it had

the hair. It's very highly recommend. We

got the moves electric boy. It's very

good.

I remember seeing a thing for some party

or event a long time ago where it was

the same height party and on the walls

they had like different it almost looked

like the moon shoes from but they had

them in like whatever height was needed.

So like it seemed as whoever was the

tallest person there everyone was

calibrated to like the same height. I

was like what a fascinating concept.

I would break my ankle and die. I mean,

the shoe a cool 53. Like

the shoes were like pretty large like

like moon shoe base platforms on each

foot. Like they're not handing out like

9 in stilettos. I mean like you got

this.

I'm imagining the actual moon shoes

where it's like the blades on the bottom

where you bounce. I was like I'd die

like

Yeah.

Especially if there's alcohol at this

party.

You come here. I had a friend and we I

might just be talking about different

moon shoes cuz I know the blade ones

that you're talking about. My friends

almost looked like more like a mini

trampoline.

No, there were several forms.

Okay. I was like because as soon as you

said I was like, "Oh my god, those were

also I forgot how many

but there were so many weird bouncy shoe

options. So many more than was

necessary."

It's a miracle any of us have intact

ankles.

Well, mine does click a lot. If

You're like, "It shouldn't make that

sound."

So,

back to Emily. She's wandering through

the woods, lowkey really just avoiding

Gail at this point. She's like, "Don't

want to don't want to see her. That's

going to be an awkward conversation."

And suddenly in the woods, the old witch

woman with the boil in the cloak

appears. Uh,

and she and Emily's like a little taken

back at first and the woman's like, "No,

like I can help you with your priest or

maybe I should say like your your

produce pals."

She's like, "Wait, what?

Produce pals."

Emily's like, "Wait, what?" Yeah. You

know about the produce. Uhhuh.

Yeah. And she's like, "Oh, yeah." And

then repeated the

the incantation. Yes.

Then the witch goes on to explain that

they're all destined for each other.

that like this was like the universe

bringing them together. And at one point

Emily's like, "Well, why didn't I turn

into a fruit and the witch is like, "You

didn't need it." Like,

can we talk about my favorite quote from

the book?

Absolutely.

She looks at her and says, "Your destiny

isn't over, child."

And then immediately I started singing,

"Say my name."

I was like, "You shoehorned in a

Destiny's child joke in there. Well

done, Je." Okay.

I was like, "Who says that?" Anyway,

that's an over child.

Cowboy Carter was just in Atlanta

at the time of this recording.

Well, you're not wrong. That is true.

Um, the witch also explains that they

turn into

Bob and Larry would turn into veggies

whenever the three were together. And uh

one would be able to admit their desires

while the others would deny it. So like

that was the catalyst to what would turn

them

to vegetables

or fruit rather cuz they had seeds.

Yeah.

Clearly. All right.

Sorry. There's no breeding kink in this

one. There is

no breeding kink in this one.

I I've said that with hope more than

confidence.

There's no breeding kink in this one.

There's no breeding kink in this one,

right?

Please don't. Please don't confirm.

No breeding.

No, there's there's no produce

production kink in this one.

So that night, Robert is almost done

with all of his tasks

cuz, you know, he's leaving for the

monastery the next day.

Got to fold up the robes. Make sure

they're ironed. Steamed perhaps,

right? Write a letter to the next

priest. Make sure your rope belt thing

is properly coiled.

I don't know how you store that in

luggage.

No, I'm not luggage. You don't need to

take it with you. You're leaving it for

the next one. You're not taking that

with you.

Yeah, the monks will have the uniform

there.

The monks know.

Yeah,

they've got scissors. I'm like, you

supply your own rope. Obviously,

your own rope.

They have the bowl for the cut. B Y O R

is on their application.

So, Robert decides that he's going to go

and like finally say goodbye to Emily

and clear the air cuz he still hasn't

talked to her since all of this went

down

cuz he's a little bit of a punk ass

[ __ ]

You get it? When he gets outside her

door, Larry's already standing there.

Um, and when Emily opens the door, upon

hearing them and seeing them both

standing there, they both just turn into

vegetables

out of nowhere. She opens the door and

they just turn into vegetables.

And she looks at them is like, "You you

two are ridiculous." She like brings

them into her room. That's actually kind

of relatable a little bit. Like, you are

just ridicul. Come back.

Yes. But now that she like has some

additional context, she like tells them

that she loves them, confesses her

feelings, and then Robert realizing he

feels the same um feels his body

vibrate, and then suddenly they're in

their human forms again. So the him like

recognizing his feelings and them all

being able to actually own their

feelings breaks the

spell, curse,

random quote that she told them.

Sure.

Yeah. whatever it was.

Yeah. Right. It's giving um Beauty and

the Beast

very much a little bit. You know, the

weird the creepy lady in the cloak comes

and like gives you a curse and you have

to acknowledge your true love or

whatever.

Where you'll be turned into a beast

who's objectively a lot hotter than you

were as a prince. And that's something

you do have to reconcile

more. Yeah.

Tell me you grew up in the '90s without

telling me

that man shrank three feet. You're

telling me she's still attracted to him?

Like,

we can just be friends.

I'm so grateful that I could help you in

your time of need and I'm so grateful to

continue to be your friend as you make

this transition.

I'm glad that Mrs. Pots can now take

care of all of her children again, but

I'm a go.

Got to get back to my books.

Love you. Bye. So, this declaration of

love, them all now being human, um, is

really their time for their solidifying

[ __ ] in the book. It finally happens. We

have our solidifying [ __ ]

where everybody's human,

everyone is human. Bob wants Larry to

[ __ ] him while Bob is [ __ ] Emily. So,

like, we're already starting to work

through some

different dreams and visions that we've

had of this that we have been

repressing. And now that we're no longer

repressing, we're going to experience

and enjoy all of them.

Find your friend combos. Yikes.

Yep. That was bad.

Just imagining a shuderie board.

Oh god.

Jesus.

So the next morning,

anyway, we're moving on.

You know, Jesus was never depicted in

the Veggie Tales.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I saw the interview

with the guy

because the creator's mom was like, "You

can't have Jesus be a vegetable." She

was like, "You

like it's sacrilegious to portray that."

So that's why everything was the Old

Testament.

Abraham and David just fine. Pick a pick

a vegetable.

Jesus

line in the sand.

I do get that logic though some,

right?

Yeah.

So the next morning

We're all in agreement. I like Yeah,

totally makes sense. Yeah. Mhm.

The next morning, um, Emily goes out

into the kitchen. Gail is in the

kitchen. Gail is surprisingly cool in

chill.

Gail's a [ __ ] hang.

Yes.

Was like I was I wanted to not like Gail

and Gail's like, "No, you're fine."

Like, just

she's like, "Honestly, good for you.

Explore what you want to explore." Like,

okay, Gail.

Yeah. Gail's like, "I've been I've been

here for a while. It's clear that

they've loved each other this whole

time. Like

Gail's awesome.

Yeah. Gail's like, "It really looks like

y'all were having a great time." Like,

okay. So, love that. That's where we end

our our saga of Gail because I really,

you know, I thought the same. I thought

like I was bracing myself for a negative

conversation. And I appreciated the

like,

hey, there's no judgment. Believe it or

not, I'm not called to judge you. I'm

just called to show up and like love

you,

right? Oh wow, what a con.

Mind my own business.

Gail does also mention to them that

right down the street from the parish is

a produce farm for sale

and they do all need something to do

now. Correct.

So like that's where the book ends is

the three of them have bought the

produce farm. The Bob and Larry decided

that they wanted it to be a cucumber and

tomato farm exclusively. And Bob gets to

work on his woodworking hobby.

Yeah.

And they all just get to live their life

together and be together.

Yeah.

All right. And that is the end of of

Pounded by Produce. There is there's a

lot of pounding. It's like less than 200

pages and I'd say a solid hundred of

them at least

without question.

Yeah.

So much detail. Like I know when people

are like, "Oh, like smut versus spice."

This one definitely This is

smut. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. This was a probably a 2hour read

and I had to break it up a little bit

because there were lols of how many

times it's like, "Oh, you're just going

into way too much detail here."

Right.

Which I respect. Like, paint me a

picture.

Right. Right. Right. Right.

But give me time to cool off before you

paint the next picture.

Yeah. And sometimes there wasn't time to

cool off. We just jump into the next

picture.

Dive right in.

Sometimes we need a little bit more of a

refractory period. Like chill out.

Do cucumbers need Never mind.

No one has the answer to that question.

I didn't finish.

They do need a cooling off period.

Maybe not a refractory one though.

Um

Helena Hunting's Toronto Terror hockey

series.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Did you read the first one in the series

with with the cucumber?

No.

Yeah. There he bites the cucumber. He

puts it. It's a it adds some riging for

her pleasure. Um but like then like

books later, she's getting they're

getting married and another character is

like planning the wedding and it's like

that character story and um

cucumber salad.

Yeah. Like at the wedding, they're like,

"Oh, we have like a cucumber salad." And

everyone in the wedding party is

giggling and everyone else is like,

"Why?"

And not that Bob and Larry and Emily are

all getting married because I do think a

uh

polyamorous wedding might still be

beyond where we are society right now.

Sure. Well, and in the universe created

by GM Fairy.

True.

I viewed that as our current universe. I

have no questions about them.

Yeah,

they're just happy on their produce

farm.

Yeah,

they don't need a ceremony.

No,

they're fine.

When it's a ceremony, when you've got

produce,

right?

Wow.

Danny DeVito would absolutely officiate

though.

Oh,

can you imagine?

Like another great option to officiate

Bill Murray.

Yes.

Oh, do you know the story about him in

the ketchup? No.

Oh, it might be a tall tale. I don't

know.

Okay. But

I mean, the Bill Mur Murray lore at this

point. You could tell me anything to

make that sounds like Bill.

So much great lore. But apparently there

was somebody eating at a restaurant in

New York City.

Bill Murray walks up to this guy's

table, takes a French fry, dips it in

ketchup, eats it, and goes, "No one will

ever believe you." And walks away.

That's true.

It's got to be true, right? Like I want

it to be true. Well, I saw I saw photos

from the time that Bill Murray was at a

bar. Is that where you're about to

What What was he serving instead? Like

no matter what they ordered, he just

poured them like a shot of vodka. He

just like walked behind the bar and

started bartending. Okay.

So, he was known not recently, but in

like the early as in the 2010s for

showing up at College of Charleston

house parties because he lived in

Charleston, South Carolina. So, you

never knew on like a random Thursday

night at a frat party, Bill Murray might

show up.

[ __ ] rules.

Like, he might just be there.

Well, cuz I like he like literally went

behind a bar like

and no matter what No, this was like

this one wasn't a house cuz this one was

like an actual actual real bar and no

matter what anyone ordered, he poured

them.

I think it was a bar in Mount Pleasant

if I'm remembering correctly. you I mean

at this point you could tell me the bar

was anywhere. I'm not really fixated on

the location so much as he seemed to be.

So every summer I spent in Charleston on

the aisle of Palms or Mount Pleasant

growing up

growing

every single summer cuz my grandparents

lived in North Charleston.

Yeah. And my grandparents currently live

in North Charleston.

It's fantastic. Um, and so I grew up on

stories about Bill Murray doing weird

[ __ ] in the summer

around.

Unfortunately, I don't even think it's

just summer.

No, I know. But

and I think like cuz like the lore right

when he's But I'm like the stories that

come up I'm like Bill's just living his

life.

Yeah. He just doesn't give a [ __ ]

Well, like

in a good way. Last I heard, he still

had a flip phone and like you if you

wanted him in your movie, you had to get

the number to his flip phone, leave him

a voicemail, and if he was interested,

he would call you back. It was like

something like that.

The lore.

What a way to achieve that level of

success though, right? to be like, "If

you can figure out my number

and leave me a voicemail,

perhaps

you can seven to 10 business months, I

will call you back."

Yeah, I do wonder how long it takes him.

I was like, "So, when does he call you

back? Is that like when he feels like

it?"

Are these projects time sensitive? I do

have questions.

Okay. All that said though,

yes.

What is our rating system for today? M

produce as a whole.

I don't feel like we can separate the

cucumbers from the

water buffaloos. Oh, water buffaloos.

Rubber ducky sweaters.

That might Okay. Rubber ducky sweaters.

Rubber ducky sweaters. Feels good.

How many sweaters are we out of, Weston?

Out of 10.

Okay. All right.

10 feels great.

10 rubber ducky sweaters.

I'm going to give it a solid seven.

Seven rubber ducky sweaters. Like I was

I found like even the even the old witch

I was like, you know what? You kind of

served a great purpose. You got them to

where they needed to be as people.

Sure.

You had to turn them into vegetables.

Growth.

Yeah.

But you got there. Big fan.

I agree. I feel like if someone told me

that we were going to do an episode on

Veggie Tail smut, I would have assumed

it would likely have a low rating. But I

feel like

GM Fairy really is out there just

healing religious trauma. It's some like

it's ridiculous. It's fun, but I agree.

Like I'd say like probably about seven

ducky sweaters. It's just I mean here

it's not going to win awards.

Correct.

And it might heal you. Um

it was it lazy. It meets you where you

are. It throws a little call back in.

Well, and it's interesting because I was

thinking if the only love interest was

Bob, I'd hate it. But like Larry sort of

balances him out in a way that's like

makes him a little more endearing in a

way where you guys were describing it.

So like it did sound kind of fun.

Yeah. If it was only Bob just like

leaving after every tense scene, it

would not have been a a great review. I

think

reading Bob trying to reconcile this

was like an interesting take while also

being like we're reconciling a

ridiculous thing.

Like all right, bud.

Yes.

Um but overarchingly very fun. GM Fairy

set out with a very clear intention and

nailed it.

She absolutely nailed it.

Yeah. would I would recommend for those

that are like, you know what, I do have

a little bit of religious trauma.

Yeah, for sure. I've been calling her

godmother fairy in my mind

this whole time.

Not General Motors fairy.

General Motors fairy, which was my

initial reaction. No, godmother fairy.

Godmother fairy.

Um, well, and as we found out earlier,

Godmother Fairy also has some Shrek

smut, so that might be visited in the

future.

In my swamp. Jesus.

Yes, that is the title of the book. I'm

not being disgusting.

I mean,

I'm being a little disgusting.

Two things can be true at the same time.

Yeah,

it's called a dialectic. Look it up.

It depends on how much eye contact you

make at any given moment when you say

it.

And here's the thing. We had no eye

contact when you said get in my swamp.

So, it didn't make me feel that weird.

Um, if we if you say it again and we

make eye contact, it will. So, I'm not

I'm just going to look at Hannah and not

you.

I'm not going to look at anything.

And I'm also just not going to say it

when I look at you either.

I was going to say I almost did it and

then was like I did. We both each other

and I could tell we both of us went get

in my swamp.

I was like actually I don't want to

because it's somehow worse as a woman to

say that. It feels worse to me.

I don't want to do that.

Swamp ass.

It's not good for any gender.

Cuz I said it and then I was like, "Wait

a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute."

So anyway, on that note,

listen,

thank you Godmother Fairy for Counted My

Produce.

Okay, all that said, seven out of 10

rubber ducky handk knit sweaters.

Let us know how many rubber ducky

sweaters or water buffalo. Choose your

own rating adventure you would choose

for this. Um, let us know what you'd

like us to review next.

Yep. Like, subscribe, share with your

friends.

Yes.

And once again, we are a little bit

sorry if if this is a if you have no

idea about anything Veggie Tales and

this episode is leaving you with more

questions than answers. Feel free to DM

us if that's the situation as well. We

can send you links for, you know, Sport

Utility Vehicle, for Barbara the

Manatee,

a myriad of others.

I will.

And you'll still have questions, but

you'll be in good company while you have

them. And on that note, see you next

time, smuts [ __ ]

Bye, smart puppies.

Well, that's it for this week, Smart

[ __ ] We hope it was good for you cuz

it sure was great for us. If you're

digging what we're doing, it would mean

a lot if you'd take a minute to rate and

review the show wherever you're

listening right now. Maybe tell that

sexy someone to lend us an ear. We love

you. We appreciate you. And we'll see

you next week. Stay smutty.

[Music]