Smut Club

Well, hello all you beautiful people.

You know what time it is.

Ladies and gents, guys and dolls and

everyone in between.

Gather around. Get you something real

nice to sip on and comfy to slip on.

Cuz it's time for Smite Club. Here's

your hosts, Chelsea and Hannah.

[Music]

[Laughter]

Hey everybody and welcome to Smut Club.

I'm Chelsea. And I'm Hannah. And this is

the podcast where we are two licensed

mental health professionals who

sometimes daydrink, sometimes don't, and

review romance novels of varying

caliber.

What caliber is today's?

Pretty mid.

mid. Like when I text you yesterday and

said, "I made some cookies. They taste

fine, but they look mid."

Yeah.

You're like, "That's the energy of this

book."

Yeah.

I mean, it's fine to read, but it's

pretty mid if you think about it too

hard. So, we are reviewing

The Billionaire's Obsession. That's

right, ladies and gentlemen.

Don't tell me. No, I'm so excited. Is

this what I think it is?

It is. It's Jan.

[ __ ] yeah, Jan.

It's Jan.

JS Scott. We're back, baby.

She's here. And here's the really fun

part about Jan and a lot of her like

deeper cuts, okay?

Is that a lot of them were released in

multiple parts and then she just

re-released them as one book. Ah,

and this is one of them. There's like

five parts, but it's still somehow only

250 pages or whatever.

Was she like releasing it where you like

pay So you'd pay for like 50 bucks? 50

pages at a time? Not 50 bucks. 50 pages.

Yeah, basically, I guess.

Okay.

Yeah. So, this is not

like this is all of them together. And

just question because obviously I

haven't read this one. Um,

is it clear that there's five different

sections or is it like edited to like be

a little more cohesive again?

Part one, mine for a night and then it

goes into

[ __ ] it. We don't need chapters. We just

need five parts.

Part two, mine for now. Like

it's very delineated.

Um, and um, part of why this one was

chosen is because Chelsea,

this takes place in Tampa.

I knew Jan wouldn't let me down. I knew

she would give my hometown the

representation it deserves.

And let me tell you how that

representation starts. Okay,

so Simon

has been obsessed

with Carara, who works for his mom in

one of her restaurants for like over a

year, but he's never talked to her. He

just can see her when she walks home

because he lives between the restaurant

and her apartment. And so he follows her

home every night to make sure she gets

home again for like a year. So on just

to make sure she's safe. Nothing weird.

Don't be Don't make it sketchy.

Why are you being weird?

Stop. It It didn't It was simple. It was

beautiful. He was making sure she was

safe. You [ __ ] twisted that beauty

into something nefarious.

You are perverting something

sacred right now.

So, we very quickly establish that um he

doesn't do feelings. He's only here to

[ __ ] Like, she's just super hot. He

just wants to make sure she gets home.

Okay. And

but not cuz he likes her, just cuz at

some point the machine will want to [ __ ]

her.

Right. You get it? And so one of the

first thoughts he has is, "I can't

believe she walks home so late at night

every night. Doesn't she realize this is

Tampa?"

Excuse me.

I mean, depending on the part, that is a

very valid statement,

but like he's in a penthouse,

like a building with a door man. [ __ ]

what?

Okay, so knowing where he lives, it's

probably not

it's not that part. It's not the rough

part of Tampa.

You're like, "Good sir, you bought that

million multi-million dollar penthouse

for 201190

or something." There's one particular

zip code that's been in a lot of rap

songs for out of Tampa and I can't

remember it. It doesn't matter. Um but

anyway,

um so

she walks by. He's waiting for her. She

seems to be running late, but she

finally walks by. Um and he is he has

like cute aggression. She's so hot that

he's mad about it.

But he's like, "Damn it, she's so

attractive." Like what?

Why are you upset about it? What?

Well, and I feel like damn,

she's so attractive is really different

than damn it,

she's so attractive. Just the the one

word it really makes a large contextual

difference.

Like, be less hot

for [ __ ] sake. So, tonight he's like,

"Tonight is the night. I'm going to talk

to her. I've been silently following her

and showing up at my mom's restaurant

when I know she's working for a year.

I've never spoken to her. Tonight's the

night.

Tonight's the night. So, Cara is having

a bad day.

Like a no good, pretty bad, awful day.

And she's in borrowed clothes because

she spilled coffee, I think, all over

herself. And so she's wearing like one

of the other servers clothes. It's like

a mini skirt and like a a V-neck top or

something. And she she hasn't eaten

anything.

She's in her last semester of nursing

school. She's 28. She's exhausted. She's

just trying to get home.

I don't know why my notes with no other

context just say parents are dead. I'm

pretty sure that that's how it happens

in the book though where like she's

having this internal monologue and

you're like wow I'm learning a lot.

Okay, nursing school 28 parents are

dead. Like it's a lot that we're

learning about her.

So she starts to get laded because she

hasn't eaten anything and she very

nearly passes out when she hears someone

start calling her name. And so some dude

picks her up and carries her somewhere

and she is just like along for the ride.

That would be deeply unsettling.

You've had a long day at work.

You're not feeling great. You're about

to pass out and suddenly a rando

is carrying you somewhere.

Yeah.

Put me down.

Yeah. I don't mean to brag, but I have

passed out in the street before.

And I got to say, even when it was

someone I knew, I was like, "What? No.

Put me down."

[Laughter]

I once got drunk on the streets of I

guess not Tampa. It was St. Pete.

Pretty close. But it was my

ex-boyfriend. And I was like, "You

cannot." I I refused to go anywhere with

him to the point that I then laid down

and fell asleep in the street and he had

to call another friend.

It was not my best moment.

Similar but different.

I think I might have told you about

this. I I almost passed out. did pass

out fairly recently when I was with Matt

and I just kept trying to lay down in

the street in downtown Atlanta

at Five Points, y'all. No, that's not

where we lay down. That's not where we

lay down. But I just really was trying a

lot.

Okay, so maybe we should give Simon more

credit cuz I'm I'm out here being like,

"What? No, do not let a rando pick you

up off the street. But also, there are

some streets.

You might want to be picked up from.

Yeah,

I'll give her that.

Yeah, you This isn't where we lay down.

No.

Um, so she does she she is not panicking

that some random stranger has picked her

up, but she is shocked that it's so easy

for him to lift her.

And it is concerning how easy it is

for him to convince her to stay with him

for the night or

Yeah. He's like, "Stay with me. You're

clearly not well. Just stay here. It'll

She has low blood sugar, not a chronic

illness.

Give her some Skittles and money for a

cab. What? Hey, I bought you a muffin

and called you an Uber. You should be

all set,

right? I put my number in your phone. If

you're interested, hit me up.

Just stay with

Yeah. But no, he's like, "Just stay

here." And she's like,

"Okay,

what else do I have going on?"

Twisted my arm about it.

I love Jan so much.

And he sends his assistant to get her

belongings from her apartment. Like

takes her keys from her purse, gives

them to his assistant, and is like,

"Don't worry about it. I know where she

lives.

go get her stuff. What the [ __ ]

What the [ __ ] He calls the doctor to

check on her cuz he's that concerned. He

feeds her.

She's that rich.

He makes sure she eats, she's resting,

and then he's like,

"You aren't going to work anymore. You

don't need to do that. You don't need to

do that."

And she's like, "My notes say a couple

of weak protests and immediately

asleep." It's like, "No,

asleep."

She's like, "What?" Okay. So, there's

some bigger conversations still to be

had come morning.

Yeah. Yeah. So, she wakes up, she

showers, she puts on a robe that she

finds. She's like, "Where am I? It looks

like a nice place. Hopefully I'm not in

mortal mortal danger or anything. You

know what? She's just she's just waking

up in a random. She's like, "It's cool.

I'll just shower. I'm not getting naked

in an apartment where I don't know where

I am or how I got there. My first

instinct is not to then disrobe,

make myself more vulnerable,

right?"

No.

No. I'm likely going to the kitchen and

finding a knife. Yeah. Yeah. Like

she does make her way to the kitchen

after her shower

for coffee.

Yeah. And that's where she finds Simon

and there's weird sexual tension of

course already happening. And he's like,

"Hey, just so you know, I did send my

assistant to your apartment yesterday,

but um you've been evicted."

What?

This feels like when we reviewed The

Perfect Fit by Satie Concincaid

and there wasn't actually a cockroach

problem,

right? No, this is real. So,

she's actually been evicted.

She's actually been evicted because her

roommate that she's been living with um

was just taking her money and not paying

the rent.

And so, all of her belongings are gone.

like her entire apartment has been

cleared out. She has nothing. Her

roommate has absconded into the night

and that's it for her.

And so she has a total breakdown which

is very understandable.

Yeah. You know, that's a that's a

justifiable breakdown. Jan really starts

a book with a bang.

She really does. And immediately Cara

goes into, "Okay, well, I'm going to

have to drop out of school. I'll have to

see if I can find like a shelter to stay

in or something because I don't have

like we're paycheck to paycheck over

here. Like there's no way that I'm going

to be able to do this.

Um, and one thing I forgot about Jan but

did recall in reading this is that she

uses the word elemental

in a way where I have a princess bride

moment every time I read it where I'm

like, "You keep using that word. I don't

think you know what that means.

That means what you think it means.

Yeah. I don't think I don't think that's

it. But constantly the connection is

elemental. And so he insists that she

stay with him um until she can get back

on her feet. And um there is one

condition to her being allowed to stay

there and that is that she quit her job

and allow him to fully financially

support her

which doesn't feel like a condition to

me. Feels like a perk.

Those are strings Pinocchio. Like,

yeah,

I'm sorry.

Just until she gets back on her feet,

though. Right. And then

Right. Right. Right. Right.

But she does have to quit her job, so

she has no means to make money to be

able to get back on her feet.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Jan.

Yeah.

Jan.

Matt and I were watching a movie

recently where like the the

spicy, messy bestie character was

talking about how she's like dating this

older man and she's like super into it

and like they have an arrangement or

whatever. And the friend is like, "So,

so like a sugar daddy is what you have?"

And she's like, "Um, I wouldn't say

that. I would say that he's my

sponsor. He sponsors me. He sponsors me.

And I was like, you know, I dig it. I

like the energy.

Here's the thing. I think in a younger

season of my life, I wanted to talk [ __ ]

on people who looked for sponsors in

that regard.

No way, man.

And now I realiz it was just my

insecurity that I didn't think I was hot

enough to find a sponsor.

Sure. For sure. Mhm. If I believed I was

hot enough to find a sponsor when I was

in my early 20s,

we probably wouldn't even have this

podcast right now.

I was going to say we'd be in different

places doing different things. We

really would.

Yeah,

man.

Pretty privilege is

a real thing. We're not unattractive

people. No, but I would not say that I

am to the level where someone would pay

me to be around so they could look at

me. Like

I don't think I'm that pretty.

Not just my face at least.

Yeah.

I don't know. I I've had a kid. I don't

even think my tits are that good. But

like boobs are boobs, you know?

Boobs are boobs. That's so true. Um,

so we do I forgot to mention this is

dual point of view. So we get like

random sprinkles of like their thoughts

and stuff.

And so during this conversation, Simon

is thinking like he is

consistently hard like all the time when

she's around. She is sobbing her

eyeballs out about being evicted and is

snotting all over him and he's like,

"Yeah, I'd still hit it though." Like

that's the energy the entire time. and

she's really confused and she's like,

"Wait a minute. So, like, what do you

want? Like, I'm getting a pretty great

deal here, right? Like, a place to stay.

You're paying all my bills. You're

paying my tuition. So, what do you

want?"

And he says that he wants one night of

total surrender,

hence the title, mine for a night. And

so he finger bangs her to completion

and then is like, think about it.

Yeah.

Like

what?

Yeah. But then he's like, but it's not a

requirement though. So, if you're not

into it,

that's cool.

But this is what I would like.

I would like one night of total

surrender in exchange for paying for

everything for you. But if that's not

something you're willing to offer, no

problem at all. I'll still pay for

everything. No skin off my teeth. Yeah.

So, she's like, "Okay, well, I I can't I

can't do that." So, I know. I'll cook

for him. I'll be his cook.

I won't give you a night of total

surrender, but I will make you a pretty

good grilled cheese and tomato Sammy.

Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. And she is close friends

with someone, a doctor who runs a free

clinic named Maddie. And they're like

best friends and they like volunteer

together.

very tight relationship. So, she calls

her friend Maddie who's like, "You know,

you can also stay with me. Like, you

don't we don't want to be doing all

that.

You don't actually have to have to stay

with a stranger that you met last

night."

Yeah. Yeah. But of course, Cara's like,

"I could never." Like, why not?

But you could with this dude you've

never met before,

right?

Quite frankly, Hannah, I'm willing to

let you inconvenience yourself for me

way before I'm going to go live with a

stranger.

Someone who picked me up off the street,

literally.

Oh god. Yeah, like Matt might need some

time to adjust, but like he'll figure it

out. Um, so a week goes by and they've

just been awkwardly avoiding each other.

She's like preparing meals and leaving

them for him to find and like they're

like not ever actually engaging with

each other, but then

exactly what Simon hoped this

arrangement would be,

right? He's getting everything he hoped

for, but then they wind up bonding over

video games because she like goes to

tell him that lunch is ready or

something and sees into his office. So

again, because Jan

really separates her characters into

whole people, he's a tech billionaire,

which is very different from her other

novels where they're tech billionaires.

No, no, no. This is the Florida cohort,

right? It's Tampa. Um, so

there may actually even be different

Florida

cohorts. There are there are Is the

other one like West Palm? Is it South

Florida?

Yeah. Yeah, there's one in South

Florida, but I can't remember exactly

where.

Um, so they have this cute little

bonding moment and they kind of admit

like I actually kind of enjoy you. Like

I would like to spend time with you.

Um, and as they're bonding, as things

go, Cara reveals that her ex cheated on

her, which is why she's been single for

a while.

Mhm. And Simon has never been in a

relationship before except,

this is my notes, except that one time

when he was 16, but we don't talk about

that.

What?

Um, and so some of her um heirlooms and

things kind of disappeared when her

apartment got cleared out. And so he

reveals that he's been looking for some

of the things that Cara had mentioned

before were really important. And he

found her mother's ring in a pawn shop

and that's a really big deal for her.

And so they immediately make out.

Um and Cara is like,

"You know what? That deserves a make out

session."

Yeah. She's like,

"One night you say

tonight is the night."

Oh. And so

she knows surrender involves more than

just a little make out, right?

She does because he immediately ties her

up and blindfolds her.

And my notes say a man with a plan like

because it happened so fast. It happened

so fast. Um yeah. And so of course they

have like incredible sex, but he won't

let her see him or touch him.

But everybody's satisfied. And um he

then immediately gets dressed and

carries her back to her room and tucks

her into her own bed. And she's like,

"Oh my god, he's so tortured.

I can help him."

And that's the end of part one. Part

two,

mine for now. So, Simon wakes up and

Cara isn't in the condo and he starts to

freak out and then she suddenly texts

and says that she's fine. She's just at

the police station

and Simon is like the what the [ __ ] now?

What?

Yeah.

Um and so he marches his grumpy ass

right down to the police station and the

clinic where she volunteers with Maddie

was robbed at gunpoint and she got shot

at. while like protecting a child in the

the waiting room.

So, the guys threatened her. They stuff

like, you know, we're going to find you,

whatever. Um before they ran away. And

um

Simon immediately runs in and is like,

"Why aren't you doing more to protect

her?" or whatever [ __ ] [ __ ] And

turns to Maddie and is like, "Don't

worry. I'll protect her now. And it's

like, what? And Maddiey's like, "Of

course you will." I was like, "I was

rooting for you, Maddie. What the fuck?"

Like, she's like, "This stranger seems

to get it."

Yeah. No, Maddie, you should once again

remind her that she can come live with

you.

Yeah, we should make a second offer.

Um, but Simon,

just to be clear, that offer doesn't

have an expiration date.

No, no, it stands.

Yes. standing offer. Whenever you need

it, I have the room for you.

Yep. We will make the room. And so Simon

then takes Cara to dinner and they have

a really lovely time. He's like, "We're

just getting you some space from all of

this." And he asks if he can just hold

her for a little while. Um because he

was really freaked out by the whole

situation. And so um they wind up

[ __ ] on the couch and he blinked. I

took a sip of my drink. They were still

at the restaurant.

Now they're banging. He gets all freaked

out that he's not going to be able to do

it because she's not tied up.

Um

he can only get hard if he ties a woman

up.

Yeah. And so she coaxes him into

restraining her arms.

Um and then they have a great time.

Here's

the thing. I have some questions.

Yeah.

Mhm.

Will they get answered?

No.

Okay. I mean, maybe.

I honestly

it we'll see. We'll see. She's like, I

know that he has some hang-ups, but

maybe I can help him get over some of

them. Maybe not all of them. Like, maybe

he won't ever be able to [ __ ] me

unrestrained.

But it it's very bizarre. Um, and she

then also realizes that he's not ready

to share a bed with her. And so she's

just like, "I've enjoyed this time we've

had together." And goes to shower in her

own room.

I do actually kind of respect that

though. It is nice that it's not like

we're immediately all up in each other's

[ __ ] Even though that's kind of the

premise of the book,

it's still it recognizes the increased

intimacy of sharing a bed past just

having sex, you know.

Yeah. Well, and I think more than that

though, I was thinking more about the

like, oh, she recognized like a boundary

and a limit for him and like

is figuring out when to push those

limits, when to respect them and is

like, "Oh,

recognizing this is a thing. Okay, no

problem. Sure. This was great. I'm going

to go back to my room now." Versus like

making it a larger ordeal than it needs

to be or like

personalizing it.

Yeah. like

internalizing it, making your partner

feel shame because of it, those sorts of

things. So, like I do actually kind of

appreciate that that's how she navigated

that.

Mhm. Mhm. And then again, another week

flies by.

Another week.

Another week.

There's something about Jan's chaos

writing that is just comforting.

Yeah, it's nice.

It is.

Where you have to go back and read the

last paragraph to make sure you didn't

miss a transition. It's nice

like cuz you didn't

you didn't

you didn't at all

and there's something nice about it.

So

you know this tech billionaire is too

busy for transitions.

Sorry, what were you saying?

So Cara

is having coffee with Simon's mom

because lest we forget

Carara worked for Simon's mom up until

that fateful night. Boy, I bet mom had

some questions.

Um, she's actually super excited about

how close Cara and Simon are getting and

is like, she's like, "Well, I've always

loved you. Like, you you you're such a

great employee,

right? You're so lovely."

And then weirdly hints at some kind of

trauma that happened to Simon when he

was 16, but we don't get any additional

information.

And so Cara goes home um because Simon

cannot cook. That's like a a plot point.

He struggles. And so Simon is like, "If

you don't come home, I'm going to make a

grilled cheese or something." And she's

like, "Oh no." And she decides that she

is going to be dessert first for the

evening.

Oh.

So, Simon is in his home gym because

every one of these guys has a home gym

and he is getting

Hannah, I have a home gym.

Well, but these tech billionaires in

penthouse apartments with a gym, it hits

very differently.

It doesn't for me

really.

The gyms don't like

Okay.

Like

Vance and I were even watching a

renovation show recently and

Uh, one of the people in their basement,

instead of putting in a gym, they put in

a pickle ball court,

which I don't think was regulation.

That's not the point.

But Vance and I were like, "Okay, if we

were in that house, yeah, okay, we would

just like take out the pickable net.

That's exactly where the gym would go.

No problem." Like it really like

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So, I do think when you're like, "Yeah,

you got to set up the weights and like

you got to make sure that like

you have whatever equipment you want

and that like it can hold that weight

and this that and the other, but I'm I'm

like, "Oh, yeah. No, that that one

actually I have like no issue with."

Fair enough.

Of all of the of all of the things I do

find issue with in these books, that one

not an issue for me.

Understood. Appreciate different

perspectives.

So she came home and said, "Smack my ass

and call me Tiramisu."

That was the plan.

That was the plan.

But he was he is getting out of the

shower that's attached to the gym.

Mhm.

And he forgot that um he forgot his

clothes in his room. So he is naked with

a towel or whatever. And Cara comes in

and sees he has

scars, like scarred up real bad all

over.

Um, and

Simon starts to panic that like she's

seeing him and like all his scars and

everything and he's like, "Oh my god,

I'm hideous."

And Cara is like, "Oh my god, that's the

hottest thing I've ever seen in my life.

He's dessert first." And gives him his

first [ __ ]

Oh.

ever.

Yeah, cuz he's never let a woman see him

before or interact with her

unrestrained.

So,

hope you liked it.

Well, my next note is his heart is full.

So, yes, he did.

His heart is full.

His heart is full.

His heart is full and his penis is

empty.

Oh, no.

empty penis and empty Would you have

preferred his balls are empty? I didn't

like any of it. But like, no, Chelsea,

that really wasn't the part I took issue

with, actually. But I do think balls

empty is better. But anyway, it's

Simon's birthday

the next day and she is

looking hot and they start making out in

the elevator.

Um,

and then there's more sex and it's more

of like he has to turn her around at a

certain angle and hold her hands and

[ __ ] like that to restrain her. It seems

like a lot like a big production.

Um,

and this whole time she's trying to

remind herself like

we're still casual like there's not

Mhm. We've not discussed past this.

Like, I can't be catching feelings for

him. I'm like a convenient [ __ ] because

I live in his apartment. Like, this is

not I don't need to be making it bigger

than it is.

Um, and so they go to his birthday party

that his mom is throwing. Um cuz

obviously

I know his mom was chill about there.

But I'm also like you just lost an

employee because she moved in with your

son that she hasn't known this whole

time and you don't have concerns about

that. You're like, "Oh, I'm so glad he

found such a nice girl after that trauma

he went through when he was 16 that we

don't talk about." Like what?

Yeah. Well, and it also had this weird

energy that like the mom knew that Simon

would come by the restaurant to check

her out, like to check Cara out

specifically.

It's just a very convoluted situation.

And at the birthday party, Cara gets a

little bit overwhelmed. And so she goes

outside and she sees Simon with this

blonde woman kind of all over him.

Um, and basically making a deal to trade

jewelry for sex. The the girl is like,

"Oh, you know,

it's been a while since you called me.

there's this tennis bracelet I've really

been wanting. Like we should definitely

schedule a time to get together.

Um and she's definitely like feeling him

up as well. And so Cara panics and takes

off down towards the dock. There's

always a dock. She takes off toward the

dock

um to kind of process and remind herself

that like, hey,

this I don't really have a right to be

upset about this. Like he didn't make me

any promises. And don't we basically

have the same arrangement? Like

Yeah. You're like, "It's not a diamond

tennis bracelet, but it is nursing

school tuition."

My whole education and rent and board.

Mhm.

So, um Simon's brother Sam,

okay,

startles her

down at the dock and um he is very

obviously drunk and he says that um he's

like, "Hey, so just so you know,

whenever this whole arrangement between

you and Simon is done,

I would like to pick up that

arrangement. Give me a call." and it's

super gross.

And she smacks him full in the face and

takes off

and um she finds Simon's driver that had

brought them to the party and is like,

"Take me home. Like, I don't want to be

here."

Mhm.

I I can't be here anymore. So, um Cara

is gone when Simon gets back to the

condo. So, it's empty and there is a

check and a note and a birthday gift on

the counter when he gets home.

And um it's her dad's lucky penny or

whatever um is the birthday gift. Um and

uh she basically wrote him a check for

whatever he would have spent

or whatever.

Um, and he checks in with the security

who apparently has been trailing Cara

this whole time. Um, and they're like,

"Oh, yeah, she's at Maddiey's house.

She's safe."

So, Simon thinks that she left because

his brother is a douchebag

and he's pretty livid about it. And he's

like, "I get that she's upset. I'll give

it a little time, but like she's coming

back here. Like obviously, you know.

Yeah.

I'm not gonna be punished for my

brother's [ __ ] Um, so

you'll just be accountable for your own

actions.

Correct.

Not even punished, just accountable.

Yep.

Yeah.

The natural consequences of our own

actions.

It's a real [ __ ]

Woo. Hate them.

Yeah. Yeah.

Unless they're the good ones. We don't

talk about that enough. Sometimes,

you know, touche.

The consequences of our own actions are

pretty clutch, but we don't we don't

usually uh acknowledge those. So, it's

10 days later.

Oh, 10.

It's 10 days later. Okay.

And Cara is trying to find a job and

having no success. Like, she's applying

at tons of different restaurants in the

area. Like, anything really.

Let me guess, Simon's blocking any

Yeah. any potential positions for her.

Yeah. But Sam shows up, the brother

shows up and um basically begs her to go

to coffee with him and he is trying to

make amends with her and he's like,

"Listen, I was drunk.

I shouldn't have done that. It it was

gross and rude and I'm sorry. Like that

never should have happened." and um also

explains that Simon was not making an

arrangement with that other woman

because Sam had seen the whole thing.

Like it wasn't that

he stumbled down to the dock. He watched

Cara watch Simon with this other woman

and then run away and followed her.

And so he's like, "That's not what that

was. They'd had an arrangement in the

past." Like, you miss him telling her

essentially to [ __ ] off. like you missed

that part. Um, Simon really cares about

you and Cara is like, "Listen, thank you

so much for your apology. I really

appreciate you being honest with me. Um,

but I'm not I'm not going back to Simon.

Like, it's just not a good idea for me."

Yeah. Um, but then

Cara gets jumped on her way home and she

takes several hits to the head before

Sam hears her scream like from down the

street and um

runs the guys off. It's the robbers from

the clinic.

The same robbers.

Uh-huh. Cuz they know that she saw their

face

and she went to the cops. Oh.

So, um,

she is in a bad way. Like, she's pretty

hurt. And so, she tries to ask Sam to

tell Simon that she loves him. And then

she's like losing consciousness. It's

like,

Hannah,

Jan,

you're like, don't don't bring my name

into this.

And part three.

I keep forgetting there's parts.

Part three.

Part three.

Mine forever.

Okay,

so we had mine for tonight, mine for

now, mine forever, which is an

escalation.

How can you escalate beyond forever for

part four?

I genuinely don't remember, but we'll

get it. We'll get it. Um, so I don't I

remember the story. I don't remember the

title of the part.

No, I I I figured. Okay, good. So, okay.

um mine forever. Cara wakes up in the

hospital and Simon is asleep in her room

and she starts getting flashes of memory

of like her being pretty hurt and then

she throws up on him and starts telling

him that she loves him and she's like

all of this is coming back to her in the

hospital.

Literally throws up on him or like

emotionally like word vomits on him.

Literally just check. Yeah, literally

vomit. Um because clearly she has a

concussion.

So, um, Simon wakes up and he's like,

"Hey, yeah, so you're never leaving

again. You're coming home with me. Um,

I'm going to protect you. This is

[ __ ] We're never doing this again."

And this is when he reveals that he's

been protecting her for a year. That

he's been following her unsolicited

for a year.

How would you respond to that news,

Hannah?

I got to say I don't think Well,

I'm also like you don't love this man.

You don't know this man.

Like, who even are you? Connecting on

video games and good sex is not enough

for me to be like, "Yes, I would die for

you." What?

What?

Yeah, Fortnite

is really

not enough. Fortnite.

Mhm. Yeah. I was thinking more Zelda.

Um,

also a great choice.

Yeah.

There's so many video game options.

really could be

so many

any of the series.

But she

maybe it's just Animal Crossing.

Oh my god.

This was all about Animal Crossing.

I was like, could it be Frogger?

Okay, as an aside, I had downloaded

probably like this time last year

um like a random just like city

building. sure

mindn numbing game that you have on your

cell phone, right?

And okay, once you like build your city

to a certain level, you can join

alliances and and when you share like

join alliance, you can share resources.

And I'm like, yeah, I'm just here to

share some resources. I just want to

build my city faster. Like this is not

that deep.

There was a whole mutiny in my alliance.

like

half of them left and joined another

alliance and the other half like went to

I'm like I guess I I guess I have to

find a new alliance now cuz I I'm not

invested.

I'm not a part of this.

But I'm like oh this is a level of

intensity to this game that I was not

prepared for. So I joined a new alliance

and I'm like my numbers are like okay in

the like I don't have bad numbers. It's

a 100 person alliance. There are 100

people like all of the slots are taken

in it. I'm ranked number 90 when it

comes to power and I like re I'm like

do y'all have jobs? What do you do all

like y'all are planning these like

attacks and these events and you are

coordinating and it is noon.

Yeah.

And y'all don't live overseas.

Yeah.

Like what is hap like the intensity

Mhm.

of like they keep wanting me to get on

Discord. I'm like, "No, I don't need to

join Discord for this. I just wanted to

gather some coal and wood and meat and

iron and build my little city."

So, my husband is one of those people

that's in the Discord and active.

Yes.

For a a a space game.

Does he Oh, space. Okay.

Space. Yeah, it's space. So, what is

hilarious

is he we follow this one particular band

that has a a fiddler named Lightning

Luke, right?

And years ago, Matt was like, "Honey,

honey, I I think Lightning Luke

is in my alliance on this game."

He's like, "Holy shit." And so he like

DM'd him through Discord and it was him.

It was him.

Incredible.

And we met him cuz we went to see this

band and we met him and Matt was so he

was like, "Bro, do you remember playing

Star Trek online in 2022?

I was in that alliance and they were so

cute."

That's such a pure moment. the joy that

that brought your husband.

I know. He was so excited about it. He

was so excited about it. Anyway,

meanwhile, I was in my lines for 6

months before I learned that there was a

translate button cuz I was like, I I

can't read a single thing that anyone in

this group is saying.

Yeah.

Shucks.

I was like, "Oh, I probably should have

been paying better attention this whole

time." Yeah, but I'm like if they kick

me out of the alliance because I don't

take it seriously enough.

All right.

I'm gonna laugh really hard.

Like I get it. Like

Yeah.

Yeah. Y'all are

always play like

different.

Well, and also

in the alliance there's like, oh, your

alliance member bought a pack of like

whatever. And so whenever anyone spends

real money on resources in the game, you

get something like as an alliance member

for it. And so I'm like, how much money

are are you dropping on this? Like this

is why we hold

Matt does not spend money on it.

I'm not going to lie, there have been a

couple times where I've been like pretty

toasted and I'm like, "This feels like a

great use of $5." And then I'm like,

it's not. No.

At no point is this a good use of $5.

But the funniest part is the Apple like

bill won't come through.

And for like a couple of days I was

like, what did I spend $469

on? Oh,

wood hero shards.

Incredible. And I was like, yeah, that's

my limit. I got a little drunk once and

spent five dollars on the game. I was

like, and I can't ever spend real money

on these games. I'm like, what? What are

y'all doing?

And like one person commented and

they're like, hey guys, I got to quit.

Got to spend more time in the real

world.

Great insight to have. Also, did you

have to talk to a therapist to come to

that realization? Like what happened in

your life that you were like, I need to

make an announcement to quit that like

at that level,

right? And I was like, I really thought

that this was just like a silly little

worldbuing game and was not

prepared.

People take that [ __ ] seriously.

They really do.

Yeah. It's a little concerning.

Well, and it's interesting, right? Like

we all want to be seen and feel known in

community and like be a part of

something

and it's I'm like I never really

considered that like a game like that

could be that outlet. Sure.

And then watching my entire alliance

fall apart over I'm like, "Oh, y'all

really take this so seriously."

Yeah.

Yeah. I'm like, "This is

it's a lot

wild to like." But it does make sense

though when you're like, "Oh, people

want to be engaged. They want to be a

part of a community." And also when you

take a step back, you're like, "I just

didn't think I realized there was a

community around this to be a part of."

Yes.

Mhm. Mhm.

Anyway,

communities come in many places

and Simon doesn't really have one.

He doesn't.

No. Outside of Cara.

So, um

she So, after this big reveal

of like that he's been following her all

this time and he wants her to come home.

Um she passes out again

and then upon waking is like, "Oh my

god, Simon looks terrible.

Okay, I'll come home with you because

obviously

you are so worried about me that you're

causing harm to yourself and so I have

no choice.

I love you. I have no choice but to care

about you in this way.

And so then a few days later, they're

they've been back at home. He's been

taking care of her.

Cara wakes up screaming from a

nightmare. They're still not sharing a

bed. So Simon comes in and like picks

her up and takes her back to his bed,

which is a big deal. Um, and she is

like,

"Help me forget." And so of course they

[ __ ]

The help me forget.

I don't like that trope.

No.

It's not a good one for me.

No.

No. I always feel a little

gross when there's been like a a sexual

thing and they're like, I don't want

them to be

Yeah. It's like erase them with you.

Like it's just a I'm like that's not how

that works with coping.

Right. Right.

Like like I understand taking your

agency back and like making your own

choices for yourself.

A great way to word that. And it does

feel different when it's like this

impulsive.

Um, but this is their solidifying [ __ ]

Okay.

And Simon starts to freak out when she's

on top. And so, um,

she's like, I will someday learn

why he has all these hang-ups, but not

now.

And so,

sorry, I forgot about this part. I

forgot about this part. So, she decides

that she's going to get to the bottom of

this situation by withholding sex until

he tells her.

And it's been three days.

Sorry. I'm so sorry.

It's been three days.

I

I don't do a lot of couples counseling.

Me either. I don't like it.

I don't I It's really not my bread and

butter.

But I I do feel like navigating it like

anyone who like wants to weaponize sex

in their relationship and like

immediately no.

This will not yield any of the results

that you are looking for.

Immediately no.

Mm-m.

I'm like, "No, that's not how we

navigate those things. That's not how we

get what we want."

Mm- Mm-

No. I'm like, and I

It's been 3 days.

It's been 3 days.

And he looks even worse than when she

got mugged on the street,

basically. So, he gets a pep talk from

his brother, from Sam. And Sam is

basically like, you know, don't [ __ ]

this up. Like if you really like her, if

she is really genuinely worth it, then

start acting like it basically. Um,

so look at Sam kind of being cool and

chill after the initial

douchebaggeriness.

So, what I have left out and what

doesn't matter and I don't think it

comes up again really is that apparently

Maddie the bestie knows Sam very well

and it's been alluded to multiple times

that like he let somebody get away

and Maddie hates him

because

Yes.

Okay. Um, so that's all this setup going

on and that's part of this pep talk is

Sam like berating himself yet again for

whatever he did to Maddie. Um, and then

um, Simon realizes it's Valentine's Day.

Whoopsie. Oops. Daisy. And so then

the abruptness of everything in this

book is unmatched.

I know. And so then he like storms over

to his assistants because he has two and

one of them is like an older woman and

one of them is a younger woman and he's

like

tell me what to do for Valentine's Day

and he gets all kinds of tips from them.

And so uh Cara is at home. She's taking

a bath, contemplating her continued lack

of connection with Simon on a deeper

level, and how she doesn't understand

why he won't open up to her, which

obviously leads to her masturbating in

the tub. Um, and that's how Simon finds

her.

How How else would he find her? Right.

That feels accurate,

right? Right. Right. So, um, she

they get off together, like while he's

watching her, he also rubs one out and

she declares her love for him. And then

is like, "I'm really sorry that I pushed

you. I shouldn't have done that. I

shouldn't be withholding sex. I'm sorry.

I just really care about you." Whatever.

And wanted you to tell me. And you

wouldn't tell me cuz you didn't feel

safe enough yet. And I just thought

maybe withholding sex would make you

feel safe enough to tell me.

Sure, you get it. We're fostering a

sense of safe safety and trust.

Obviously,

yeah, that's like one of those moments

that like a couple would come in and

tell you that the situation is split out

and you're like, you look at Cara and be

like, "How did you think that was going

to go?"

Yep.

Yep.

Cara.

Yep.

That is not how that works.

Nigh nigh.

No. Okay. and he very obviously does not

reciprocate her declaration of love.

Like she's now told him she loves him.

Well, I was going to say that wasn't the

first one time cuz it was in the

hospital too, right?

Mhm. Um, but he does say that he is

never letting her go and he does decide

to open up to her about the past and

gets into the bathtub with her

and he reveals that the girl he had a

crush on when he was younger

um, stabbed him while they were having

sex

um, as a revenge kill because his dad

owed some gang money. But then the dad

died before he could pay what he owed.

So this girl decided to stab Simon

midbone

as a revenge killing.

And that's why he needs people to be

tied up

of all of the places that could have

gone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I as a 16-year-old like this was another

16-year-old who stabbed him.

She'd seen some [ __ ]

She's on what was that? Uh thin man [ __ ]

like

like Like what?

What?

What?

So,

you know, to Simon's credit, that would

[ __ ] up your view of sex.

Yes, it would definitely have an impact.

Mhm.

And so, um, they are getting out of the

bath. They've really connected on all of

this. Cara is really grateful for

everything. And then she's like, "Oh, I

am thirsty though. I should get

something to drink." And Simon is like,

"Oh my god, I'm not taking care of you

and has like a full meltdown about her

being thirsty,

which feels like so much energy. It's

really cool. I can go get some water.

I have the technology.

Are they still in the tub?" They are

like getting out of the tub and she just

mentions, "I'm thirsty." And he's like,

"Unfucking acceptable." There are

without a doubt at least four sources of

water in that bathroom alone.

Like,

oh, okay. Sure.

Yep. Yep. So, they are walking into the

kitchen and carrot

she passes out again.

No,

he has set up an entire like Valentine's

Day wonderland.

There's like flower petals everywhere

and teddy bears. And

was he actually having a meltdown or was

that just to get her into the kitchen

for her surprise?

I It felt like it really was happening

and he like forgot that the gifts were

there. Was the energy because he was so

focused on her thirst.

So she also had gotten him um some silk

boxers.

Okay. And she oh I

she felt bad that he had gotten her so

many things and so she was like also

five wishes

and he immediately is like

oh I I forgot he also had put like

$100,000 in her bank account and was

like just in case rainy day fund lol

and she's like trying been trying to

give it back this whole time and so He's

immediately like, "I wish for you to

keep all the money."

Okay, touche, Simon. Well played.

And I wish for you to keep your security

detail. And she's like, "Okay,

all right."

And then they have sex

and they get you two wishes.

Yeah. He's saving the rest of them.

Of course he is.

Yeah. So they bang and she's on top and

it's all very emotional because he

didn't tie her up or restrain her or

anything. It's like a big big deal for

them in this moment.

And then

like

a couple of weeks later, I guess

they go to Disney cuz she had mentioned

she always wanted to go. So like for her

spring break, he takes her to Disney.

It's only about an hour away. I was

going to say, feels like you could have

done that at any time.

Well, he waited until she got a break

from school, Hannah.

No, I mean, she could have gone because

she's like she really wanted to go. I

was like,

girl, the cost of Disney. You think she

could afford that?

Well, I was thinking they have like

local discounts and they have like ways

to do it for not super

res It's a lot easier.

Yeah. And who doesn't know somebody who

works at Disney nearby

Tampa? Yeah.

And like hospitality industry

for sure.

I never worked in those and I knew

people who worked at Disney.

Yeah.

One of the funniest conversations was

one of the dudes who played Aladdin and

he was like,

"Yeah, we had an Aladdin meeting and

that was pretty trippy."

I was like, I've never conceptualized

that before that there's just like a

group of dudes who all have we're all

Aladdin similar enough aesthetic. Oh

god. Right. Right. I was like, "Oh,

touche." Similar but different would be

the time that I led a process group for

a group of severe and persistently ill,

mentally ill young men.

Mhm.

They were all actively psychotic.

Four of them believed they were Jesus

and one believed he was Satan. And I was

a baby therapist at the time, like fresh

out of school. And so I was kind of in a

panic about like how they were all going

to interact. I was like, are the Jesuses

going to fight?

Are they going to like form a coalition

against Satan? Like what's going to h

like I genuinely don't know.

But they all worked it out so they could

all be Jesus. They were like, "Oh, no,

no, no, no, no. You're the son of God.

I am the second coming. He is Jesus

reincarnated. And they had like a whole

thing where they were each a different

like aspect of Jesus.

Fascinating.

It was incredible.

And then the poor poor kid who believed

that he was Satan.

He was actually probably one of the most

precious individuals ever because he

really believed that if he made eye

contact with people that they would be

possessed. And so he refused to make eye

contact. And that was like

like a treatment goal that we had was

for him to be able to make eye contact.

But he was so quiet and so reserved cuz

he didn't want to hurt anybody that that

the Jesus's all left him alone.

And I think the biggest takeaway about

you being a baby therapist in that

situation is that as a baby therapist,

you really try to prepare yourself for

how to navigate that. You're like

researching techniques and you're like,

"Okay, we're going to all get through

this smooth." And then as a seasoned

therapist, you're like,

"There's not a single thing I can do to

prepare me for the other side of that

door.

We will navigate it as it comes."

Yep.

It will all be okay.

We are going to buckle the [ __ ] up and

we are going to figure it out.

Um, but

they're still at Disney. And this is

where he uses his last Valentine wish

cuz he had used the other two for other

things. He uses his last one um to ask

her to marry him.

So they are now engaged. Part four.

That was still part three.

Yep.

God damn.

Mine completely. That's the next one.

Well, okay.

A year has passed.

We're jumping ahead. Okay. And Carara

comes to Simon and says that they really

need to talk and she wants a prenup

and cuz they're still not married.

They're planning the wedding and

everything and they get into a huge

fight about it and I still don't

understand why. That's in my notes. It

says I don't understand why

why they're getting into a fight about a

prenup.

Yeah. because Simon doesn't want to sign

it. And Cara winds up sobbing and

running out of the room.

And then his brother shows up and his

brother is like, "Hey, maybe cool it.

Like, maybe leave her alone for a

minute. She seems really upset."

And it's like, what? What are we

fighting about?

I and mind you, I don't have a prenup,

nor have I been in a situation where

I've needed one. I'm not a tech

billionaire,

right?

But I do feel like from people I know

who have prenups and the general lay of

the lay of the land of a prenup.

Sure.

Um the person who would get upset is the

one who has assets

to protect.

Right.

Right.

And he he's saying, "I don't want to

protect my assets." Correct.

My assets are your assets. They're our

assets now.

Yeah.

Arrest development when Buster's like,

"I did refer to it as our nausea."

Lucille, too. Who has the vertigo?

Yeah. Yeah. So good. Um but yeah, why is

she upset?

Um well, it's because she's pregnant. uh

just had some

irrational hormonal

moment

because she is also really terrified

that Simon is going to be upset that

she's pregnant

and like think that she entrapped him or

something. And so that's why it was so

important to her to have the prenup in

place so that but I'm like that doesn't

change the fact that you're having his

child

and you've also been together for a year

at this point. I don't think it's

entrament when you've been engaged for a

year.

Right. Right. Um so she connects with

her best friend and kind of processes

about it a little bit more. It's

Valentine's Day cuz it's been a year.

Mhm.

And um she tells him that she's pregnant

at like their Valentine's Day dinner or

whatever. And Simon is so stoked. He is

so excited. This is the best news ever.

I've never been so happy. Has he said he

loves her at this point or just

proposed?

So I don't recall. That's not in my

notes anywhere.

Uhhuh.

Um

maybe within the last year.

Yeah, potentially. Maybe he said it

while they were getting engaged. Um, but

his primary focus is like Carara's

health. So, he's like, "I'm so excited

you're having a baby, but like, oh my

god, you're going to be in pain. Like,

labor hurts. I've heard I read about it.

I don't want you to be in pain." And

that's what he's like stuck on. I have a

coworker and when I was about to go into

labor with Ford, I was like, "Yeah, I

feel like everyone just wants to tell

you their like traumatic birthing

journeys and stories." And she goes, "I

wish my labor upon you." And I said,

"Tell me more about that."

This feels like the opposite of the

usual story.

She goes, "I went for my weekly check-in

with my OB. They told me it's time." So,

I drove home. I got my husband and our

bag. We drove back to the hospital. An

hour later, I had my C-section and had

my daughter. Lots of pain meds. Like,

incredible.

Yeah. She's like, "End of the story."

No, it's always like it was an emergency

C-section and then it's that the

C-section incision got

I pushed for 2 hours and then we had to

do a C-section,

crowned, so I had to do both recoveries.

Like, I've heard

Yes. horror.

Yeah. I'm like having someone to say, "I

wish my labor journey upon you." I'm

like,

"Oh,

right. Is that a threat?"

Right. I'm like be knowing the person it

was, I was like, "I need to hear this,

but it feels like a promise and less of

a threat from you."

I can take that.

Feels warm and comforting.

But I'm also like even if you ask me my

journey, I'm gonna make Yeah, I had an

epidural. My day was [ __ ] fantastic.

I laid on my side with that little

peanut ball between my legs watching

Brooklyn 999 and then they'd just turn

me over like a [ __ ] rotisserie

chicken and I'd be on the other side.

And that was great. What wasn't great

was when my epidural wore off and then

they were like, "You should probably try

pushing because you are fully ready to

push. If it doesn't work, I guess we can

call anesthesiology to come back." So,

my whole day was fully medicated and the

actual pushing was unmedicated.

I don't think you've ever told me that.

Yes. My epidural was not in effect by

the time I was actually pushing.

Feels like a gross oversight by

somebody.

To their credit, our the nurse our nurse

was a is a good friend of ours

and she told our midwife, she's like,

"Yeah, I'm going to call anesthesiology

in." And that's when our midwife looked

at me and she's like, "So, I also had

Ford when there was like that polar

vortex

and apparently the weather change pushed

a [ __ ] ton of people into labor.

I think mine was actually cuz my doctor

accidentally swept my membranes, but

that's another situation."

Uh so they were like anesthesiology is

so backed up right now that like you're

ready to Yeah. They're like

cuz I started pushing at like 8:00 and

he was born at 8:48.

Yes. And they were like if

anesthesiology needs to come back they

won't be here until after midnight.

So they were essentially like

you can try pushing if you want to and

if it doesn't go well we can we can call

them but like

At best

it'll be midnight when they get here. So

I was like, well,

let's try it.

Yeah.

And here we are.

And here we are.

Yeah.

But yeah, I'm like I wouldn't wish my

like and it wasn't even a bad situation.

But like everyone's story has the weird

that one weird moment.

Oh no, they're in pain.

Right.

Yeah. Right.

It's uncomfy to share your body with

another human.

even when you love him, it's just still

a weird thing.

And quite frankly, I birthed him. I did

not have that moment where I looked my

son in the eyes and was like, "You are

the sun, the moon, and the stars and

everything."

Yes.

I looked at him and legitimately I

remember thinking, "I don't know you."

And I'm like, I will, but like right now

I'm more obligated to you than anything.

Like, you might be super cool and I look

forward to finding that out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And thank God he is super cool. He is

the sun, the moon, and the stars. And I

adore him with every fiber of my being,

and I'm obsessed with my son. And the in

the hospital, I was like,

"You got stuck on the dismount. It was

unmedicated. And you are a little alien.

I want a full night's sleep that I'm not

gonna get for [ __ ] months. Like, that

was my thought in the hospital, if I'm

being fully transparent.

Yeah.

Not. It was not beautiful. It was not

angelic.

The best part was that I'd washed my

hair the night before.

Oh, that is nice.

Yes. So, I had like nice hair. I put on

mascara. I felt like a real human.

H um when my when I was throwing my

sister's baby shower years and years

ago, I wanted to play a game called Porn

or Labor, which just had closeup

screenshots of women's faces.

Very good.

Yes. And my sister said, "That's easy.

Just look for the fake eyelashes."

So, we didn't play the game.

Oh my god.

Your sister might be a genius. She is

also a makeup artist and hair stylist,

so like locked in on that for sure. And

I'm like, you know, that's not a detail

I would have looked for.

Me either.

But it does make sense though.

I did have that thought though when I

put on mascara before going to the

hospital.

Oh, I'm really going to throw them off.

And

they're definitely going to think this

is porn.

They'll never know.

So Simon's terrified of the pain that

shall be caused.

Yeah. But um of course they then have

sexy times. So he ties himself up for

her to like prove that he trusts her.

We don't need a prenup. I'll tie myself

up for you during sex. Because his whole

thing

I read that in a Kanye song once. I

didn't. We won't prenup.

Sorry. Keep going.

It's going to be stuck in my head now.

It's been in my head for a while. I had

to share it.

So,

um, he says that basically when she

asked for the prenup, like it actually

hurt his feelings because it felt like

she was preparing for them to not work

out and she was more thinking she didn't

want him to think she was using him for

money. And I'm like, that ship

sailed

sailed so long ago.

Like, it's in Fiji by now, babe. Like,

it's gone.

Quite frankly, I wish that there had

just been like a month.

Yeah.

Not a year.

A year. Yeah. Well,

part five is a month.

Part five is Christmas. So, we're

jumping

Okay.

to Christmas.

So, we're jumping 10 months.

Yeah.

So,

or maybe even more than that actually

because

this one is mine for Christmas and Cara

and Simon are adjusting to having a

toddler. So, I think it's like actually

18 months later or like closer to 2

years later. Um, and Cara is feeling

very insecure and in her head because

um, the sexy times are less passionate

and he doesn't seem to be as into it as

he was pre-baby.

And um, she's self-conscious about her

physical appearance after having a kid

and stuff, which is totally

understandable. Um, and

as is your sexual dynamic changing after

you have a kid.

Yeah. Yeah. And they wind up arguing

about having another baby. Like she's

talking about like maybe I want to have

another one. And Simon is like I can't

watch you be in pain like that again.

And he's like angry at the idea of her

giving birth again.

And then

they have sex in the elevator and he's

like,

"Do do they have any conflict resolution

skills at all?"

They really don't. Because basically

he's like, "See, I still find you sexy.

I've been like trying to be gentle

because you know, you've been giving

attention to our daughter or whatever,

but like if you're ready to get it, I'm

ready to give it." And

18 months in, one would hope you're

ready to both get it and give it,

right? And he's like, "I will prove to

you that this body is still just as

attractive as it has always been." And

so he bangs her in the elevator.

And then

there is a kid at the free clinic where

Cara still volunteers.

Um

did she finish her degree?

She did.

Yay.

And um the kid has diabetes and has been

in and out of the um free clinic quite

often. and his mom is an addict of some

kind. And so Cara has been really

worried about this kid. And she gets a

call that that kid's mother has

overdosed and the kid is in the hospital

because he essentially went into a

diabetic coma because his mom had passed

away. It's all very sad.

Yeah. And so Cara feels terrible for

interrupting their date night or

whatever to go to the hospital, but

Simon is like, "Of course."

I think that's a legitimate reason to

interrupt your date night.

Yeah, cuz this kid has nobody. Like no

other family. They didn't the hospital

didn't know who to call. And so um they

go hang out with this kid in the

hospital and like that's how they spend

their date night. Um, and then like

there's more. I'm not going to go into

every single one because there's more

just randomly. And then they have sex in

the shower and then they have sex here

and then and it's like so I'm just we're

just skating past some of this

but essentially it's a week later. Timmy

is the kid who is in the hospital.

Simon has been spending time with him

kind of like every day after work. He

goes and checks on him.

They're going to legally adopt him.

They're going to legally adopt him. Yes,

you're totally right. Because um they

can't find placement for him. So they're

like, "Well, he's going to have to go to

a group home." And Simon is like,

"Absolutely not. We could never. This is

my son."

And so they decide to foster to adopt

him.

And um there's this whole situation

where they're like, "It's Christmas.

We're gonna get like a Santa

impersonator to come leave gifts in like

the pool house or whatever they have.

They're staying somewhere else. And so,

you know, the kids like a year old.

Well, no, the the other kid is seven.

The one they're adopting

that they got 2 days after.

Literally

2 days after.

Literally. Literally. They were like,

"You're coming home with us." And it's

like, okay, who needs a home visit when

you're a billionaire?

Probably. Probably the billionaire.

Yeah, you probably need it.

Need two home visits.

Ironically, I do still have a lot of

friends back in the Tampa Bay area that

uh are that are involved with foster

care that are advocates, like great

organizations in Tampa Bay. have several

friends that have adopted out of foster

care in Tampa as well. Like a really

cool foster community in Tampa that I

had not

anticipated.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's pretty awesome.

Yeah.

They're they're going to become a part

of this community.

Well, I they I and I love that for them.

I think really it's more of the the

logistically how is Timmy going to see

Santa drop the gifts? Like that's

so there's like a whole ass sleigh and

reindeer in the yard because this is

Florida and so there's not like a

fireplace for him to come down the

chimney or whatever.

Also, he lives in a penthouse apartment.

Where's the [ __ ] yard?

Well, that's what I'm saying. I'm like I

think they're at Sam's house.

Like I think they're staying with Sam in

his actual house that has a pool house

or something. But regardless,

like she Cara and Maddie who is now with

Sam in this

Cara and Maddie had like set up this

whole Christmas thing or whatever.

And so each of them thought the other

one hired a Santa impersonator and

neither one did. We find out. So they're

like, "Oh my god, it's really Santa. He

brought us gifts we wanted when we were

also children."

So incredible.

And then it cuts to the epilogue and

you're like, "Wait a minute."

They go, "Oh, Santa is real." Is that

was not the takeaway I anticipated from

this whole series.

Right? Like, excuse the [ __ ] out of me.

Where did Santa come from?

What?

So then it's the epilogue.

The adoption has been finalized. Timmy

is very happy.

Probably only took 14 days with how

they're going.

He's already a great big brother

to his little toddler sister.

And it's a happily ever after. We

finally

we've we're we're finally settled now.

It's Sam or not Sam, Simon and Cara.

Solid.

And Timmy and their other little one.

Yeah. Whose name I didn't write down.

And I remember

the great news about adopting Timmy is

Simon never has to see Cara go through

physical pain with labor again.

Correct. Yeah. Mhm.

That's the dumbest reason.

Scratches her itch for another kid.

And hear me, Timmy needed a good home.

No one's no one's upset about them

adopting Timmy. I'm just like

that that's not a reason to adopt.

No.

No. I feel like much of what Simon does

is like that's not a reason to do that.

Like I'm worried about her walking home

every night in the dark on the Tampa

streets. I should follow her.

Some might call that stalking, my dude.

Yeah.

But she seemed to find it endearing when

she found out about it.

She did. Yeah.

And isn't that really

the crux of it? If they're hot, it's

sweet.

Yeah.

If they're not hot.

Nope.

They're stalkers.

I almost just made a true crime

reference.

Wasn't necessary.

Well, now you've left me intrigued.

What's our rating system?

Um, oh gosh.

Wishes. No, that's nothing. Video games,

joysticks,

that's

wishes. No, that's nothing.

We could do joysticks.

We could do their shared love of gaming.

Sure. Um,

their shared love of Super Smash Bros.

We'll go out of five because there were

five parts.

Feels apppropo. Um, I'm going to do

probs a two.

Yeah. And maybe the button on top like

And one button that's popped off. That's

popped off. Right. Well, I was thinking

cuz it separated from,

you know, the joystick.

I think two

Yeah.

is appropriate.

Yeah,

there was plot.

There was plot. It was very messy.

It was everything I always need Jan to

be.

Oh, I forgot. They did catch the robbers

eventually. I totally forgot about that.

They did get caught.

So, we love that they're officially safe

again. Yeah, there's that.

Especially if they have kids now.

You need to make sure you're safe.

Yeah, two feels right.

Yeah.

Two wishes.

That's nothing.

Two me workshopping with myself.

Two joysticks and a button.

That's it. That's the one.

It's okay. I think our last episode I

said four and a half bears. You got to

guess which half. Uh so

we did not workshop that.

Oh, we never workshop any of this, which

is why you're just part of the process.

So, welcome to that.

Yeah. It's like you're sitting in our

living room with us having this

conversation about books.

It's like a It's like a smut club.

Oh [ __ ] Oh [ __ ]

And on that note, please engage with us,

fellow smut club engagers.

That's also nothing.

That's also nothing. Don't forget to

like, subscribe, rate, comment. Let us

know what what you would like us to

review next. Let us know how you feel

about our girl Jan.

Uh, we love her.

We do. We really do.

She's the best.

Mhm.

And we can't wait to see you next time.

Bye, smut [ __ ]

Bye.

Well, that's it for this week, Smut

[ __ ] We hope it was good for you cuz

it sure was great for us. If you're

digging what we're doing, it would mean

a lot if you'd take a minute to rate and

review the show wherever you're

listening right now. Maybe tell that

sexy someone to lend us an ear. We love

you. We appreciate you. And we'll see

you next week. Stay smiley.

[Applause]

[Music]