EP 90: Dinosaurs, Disasters & Albert Einswine by Sedona Ashe
Well, hello all you beautiful people.
You know what time it is.
Ladies and gents, guys and dolls and
everyone in between.
Gather around. Get you something real
nice to sip on and comfy to slip on.
Cuz it's time for Smite Club. Here's
your hosts, Chelsea and Hannah.
[Music]
Hey everybody and welcome to Smut Club.
I'm Hannah and I'm Chelsea and this is
the podcast where we are two licensed
mental health therapists who
occasionally daydrink while reviewing
romance novels of varying caliber. Um,
this is a drinking week. And the reason
it's a drinking week is because I know
nothing about the book Hannah has chosen
outside of dinosaur smut. Um,
yeah.
And that felt like enough of a reason to
pour a glass of wine.
And it is. It is reason enough.
You're like, your intuition was spot on.
Astute as always, Chelsea. Thank you.
Perfect. No. when you were like, "Okay,
I got some options." I was like, "We
don't need to pass any further. Like,
don't read the rest of the list. You
have dinosaur smud on there."
Yeah. At the top.
Yeah.
At the top.
Yeah. You're like, "It was in the top
two choices I gave you." And I'm like, I
didn't need more choices.
I need to know about the dinosaurs. And
I'm also a little nervous to know about
the dinosaurs.
So, which is fair. And we're going to do
our best. I actually did enjoy this in a
very weird
pleasant sort of way.
Is this triceratops and bottoms?
It's not. No. No, it's not. This one is
Dinosaurs, Disasters, and Albert
Einstewine
by Sedona Ash.
You're welcome.
I think Chelsea just inhaled white wine
directly
into her
swine.
Yeah.
Do the dinosaurs eat pigs?
No.
It's very funny actually how little
Albert Einstein is involved. But this
story comes to us from Sedona Ash.
Um, it is
a series. This is the first in the
series.
Okay.
Um, I have not read the rest of them
yet, but I am open to doing so.
Um, pausing before we go any further.
Did you get your eyebrows done? Cuz they
look really nice.
No, but I did darken them. I did myself,
but I didn't have them done.
You did a lovely job.
Well, thank you very much.
Yeah.
Yeah. That's what happens when your arm
hairs are blonde. They your eyebrows
grow in weird.
You have blonde arm hair.
Yeah.
I just thought you were blessed to be
hairless in that
hella smooth. No, it's blonde.
You have very dark head hair.
I do.
I just made I made some assumptions that
your that not that the carpet match the
drapes,
it's your arm hair.
Yeah. I just always saw your arms and I
was like, "Wow, what's it like
to come from a hairless family?"
Mind you, we found out we had some long
lost relatives and me and my cousins are
texting like, "How do we invite them
in?" And one cousin goes, "Do we get
them some tweezers for the chin hair?"
Like, that's what she thought we should
put in the welcome bag. Well, well, we
also before we started recording today
had an entire conversation about how my
dad accidentally got his chest waxed
when he was in the hospital
and how angry he is about that situation
that he's in now.
Listen, hair removal is
it's painful,
literally.
Yeah, very much so. Yeah.
Um
and necessary
sometimes. Sometimes.
Yeah, sometimes. Very much. not fur my
arms.
But anyway, so we open with Arizona. Uh
oh. So
when we said that the author's name was
Sedona,
yeah,
I was going to make a joke and then went
Chelsea be better than that.
I don't need to be.
You're like the title wine. Don't be
better than that.
Wait, what was the dinosaurs? What?
Dinosaurs disasters.
Albert Einstewine.
I got too I got too focused on dinosaurs
in Einstewine that I like lost the
disasters.
The the book ends of that are really
strong and the middle can get lost if
you're not paying like really locked in.
Um
so we're in Arizona.
No, no, no, no. Her name is Arizona.
Well, someone will be in Arizona at some
point.
Probably. Um a few someone's. So Arizona
is working.
Mhm. Oh, [ __ ] Um, she's working in a
museum and she is saving up for a
vacation, so she's picked up like extra
cleaning shifts.
She works there um as like a a dosent or
like a guide.
Yeah.
Um, but she's taken on cleaning duties
because she's trying to go for a
vacation. Um, and I feel like that's one
of the most relatable things about
Arizona is she's like, I am just trying
to go to Mexico. like I just want to be
on a beach somewhere. Um, and that's
really where all of her focus is.
But, uh, everything is really messy.
She's in like a a back corner of like
the warehouse where things are processed
to determine like where they go in the
museum.
Um, but she something like sparkly kind
of catches her eye on one of the
shelves. And so she goes to pick it up
and like inhales some dust that like
puffs up at her
and she
crashes into some crates of like old
dinosaur bones behind her because she
like is taken back by whatever she just
inhaled. And then like as she breaks
this crate of bones,
there's some kind of weird explosion or
something and the whole building
collapses on top of her.
What?
Yeah. Yeah. We don't open gently.
We We open with our first disaster.
We do. Yeah, there are a few, but this
is a big one. Um
Okay. And so Arizona,
she knows that she's dying. Like we're
still in her perspective. Um and she
feels someone carrying her outside. Um
and she's like, "Yeah, no, no, no. I'm
like fully dying right now." Like she
can feel that it's it's pretty
her life source leaving her.
Yeah. And so she's like, "Is that a
velociraptor carrying me right now?" And
then she's like, "Is there also a
T-Rex?"
No,
these are the hallucinations of the
dying.
She's like, "I am dying." She's
I mean, that is also
your brain trying to reconcile that. I'm
like, that is
very valid is where you land.
Yeah.
You're like,
"Nope, no dinosaurs are carrying me. I'm
just dying,
right? I'm being lifted towards the
light. Um, so she is worried about she
has a pet pig named Albert Einstewine.
Love it. So, she's worried about her pig
and what's going to happen to Albert
when there is
a weird like flash of light and this
super gorgeous guy appears and starts
putting pressure on her chest and it
hurts and she's like, "Yeah, maybe maybe
just cool it. Like, I'm pretty sure I'm
down for the count. This is not
no need to cause pain in trying to save
me from the inevitable clause of death.
Right. Right. She's like, I'm really
cool. Um, love that my brain is
hallucinating the super hot guy, though.
That's really nice.
Way better than when it hallucinated
those dinosaurs.
Right. She's like, this is much better.
So
again, there's all this pressure and
then there's this heat and she is healed
and she starts to hear a voice in her
head that's saying like, "You can't
leave me, my queen." And she's like,
"Dying is so weird. Like so bizarre
because then the gorgeous guy kisses her
and she's like incredible lifelike
hallucinations." Like,
you know, when they when they always say
you see your life flash before your
eyes, this really isn't what I imagined.
Right. Right. And this is when she
starts to realize like she is healed.
She's like, "Oh, I can I can take a full
breath. Like, am I have I crossed over?"
Like, "No, I am healed." Which is
bizarre.
And she starts freaking out. And my
notes say, "Where the cops at?" because
that's one of my most favorite things
from Parks and Wreck, which is just a
throwaway moment where one of the guys
from Animal Control goes, "Where the
cops at?" while they're super high. So,
yes,
Matt and I say that to each other. It's
like a weird verbal stem that we pass
back and forth around the house.
We have some of those.
Yeah. Yeah.
That is a good one, though. Also, a deep
cut on
on Parks and Wreck.
It's just one of those that just got me.
I don't know. I just really liked it.
But
Animal Control is a really great side
quest of Park.
So good. So good. Um, so she is
realizing that the authorities should be
coming and she's like,
"Yeah, the whole I had that thought as
like the building collapsed. They carry
her outside. Where are the ambulances?
Where are the paramedics?
Where's the fire trucks?" or something
like
Yeah, cuz you're like, "Oh, it's the hot
firefighter who saved my life." Not the
Velociraptor.
Not the Velociraptor. Um and
uh she realizes that the guy
who she now has connected to the T-Rex,
she's like, "Wait, there was a flash of
There was a T-Rex and then there was a
flash of light and now it's a a man
person." And so is this
I'm still hallucinating. She's like she
can't she can't get there, which is
totally fair. Um
well, and just making sure I'm
understanding the the universe that
we're in. Is this a world that typically
involves magic or is this just like you
and I working at a museum? Okay.
Yeah. Right. So, like she really
she really can't get there.
No. I don't fault her.
No. No. If anything, I'd be more
concerned if she was on board faster.
Um, but then the um, raptor transforms
into a man in front of her and the T-Rex
can read her thoughts and telepathically
speak into her mind and she's just like,
"Cool, cool, cool. I have two naked
dudes and one destroyed museum and no
idea what the [ __ ] is happening." She's
like, "I don't like it." So, the raptor
is named Zongut
and the T-Rex is named Resc.
What are their nicknames?
[Applause]
Rez and Z. I think she calls him Z
sometimes. I'm going to call them Z and
R because I can't I'm not I'm not going
to say resc because it sounds like I'm
trying to spit.
You could just say rez.
I could say rez. I could say a lot of
things. We'll see.
So,
is it just two dinosaurs?
It's just two. It's just two. So,
um,
did someone watch Night at the Museum
with Ben Stiller and go, "But how do we
make it?"
But what if they [ __ ]
is that?
Potentially, potentially. But
I'm like, it's a series, right? Like,
yeah,
I'll have questions about where the
series is going to go once we get
through this one cuz I'm like, is it
other animals at the m is it other
museum creatures coming to life?
It's all dinosaurs. It's all dinosaurs.
The whole series is the
whole series of dinosaurs. Yeah. So,
so
Z can't mind speak yet. So, Rez is doing
all the translating. Um, and
why can't he mind speak yet?
um because he is not as powerful as Rez
um and he has had less practice with
mind speak in the past. And so um
Arizona is like what what is with ZH
right now? Like he's being very weird.
And Rez is like he smells your desire
and is looking forward to mounting your
body many times. And she's like
my desire?
Excuse me? What?
She's like, "I I just need to go home."
She's like, "I don't know."
She's like, "Believe it or not, nothing
about this situation got me wet."
She's like, "I need to get the [ __ ] out
of here.
I just wanted to go to Mexico."
Yeah.
Literally. So, she's pretty sure that um
this is if any of this is real, this is
a recency bias. And once they see other
human women who are prettier than her,
they'll be like, "Oh, okay." Like she's
like, "I'm not ugly, but these guys are
pretty hot, assuming I didn't create
them from my imagination." And so like
surely they're going to wind up with a
gazelle and you know, not me or
whatever. So it's funny that you say
that because that brings us back to
earlier in this conversation where one
time I asked my sister, I started
talking to this guy and I was like,
"He's so good-looking. Am I attractive
enough to talk to him?" And she goes,
"Yes.
But maybe shave your arms.
[Laughter]
Oh my god. Oh my god.
No one can roast you like your sister.
Like that's just the truth of it.
Yeah. There was the time she came home.
Our hair is like naturally the same
color and her she came home with her
hair your color.
Um, which is obviously a bit darker than
mine and it was a middle part bob that
was a little greasy. And I said, "Oh,
you got your haircut like Snape." Which
was not the greeting she was looking for
coming home from college for the
weekend. Um, sisters, man. [ __ ]
brutal. So,
oh no,
Chelsea knows there's a situation with
my HOA, which is just stupid, but I was
not sober during the conference call
about the HOA. And so I texted my sister
and I was like, is
reading news updates about the protest
going on around the country while on an
HOA call while a little bit toasted
millennial core because it feels pretty
millennial core. And she goes, "Uh, no,
but it feels very you core." And I was
like,
I am both complimented and insulted.
Like it's in my head though. I was like,
yeah, that does feel millennial. I was
going to say that feels millennial
coded. This like
sorry, I'm here, but I have to
dissociate at some level because I I
can't
I don't want to do this, but I
understand that I have to because of the
society that we've created. you don't
want to get into an existential
conversation about it, so I'm going to
dissociate from it.
That's really what you should have
leaned into with the HOA president on
the call is being like, let's get into
societal norms and constructs.
Right. Right. What are we really doing
here?
Why must it be this way?
Who who said, right?
He's like, I'm just trying to pass the
power of the HOA along. Listen, when I
told my dad that my husband and I were
going to be the HOA board, he was like,
"Have they
do they want you to do that?" And I was
like, "No, Dad. They don't. But they
don't know me, so they don't know that.
But they will.
They will."
Meanwhile, my HOA board out here and
they like were like as long as you have
an odd number of people, you can have
like as many so you can like add
positions, but then you also like have
to take away positions so it stays
something like that,
right?
People are clamoring to be on the board.
And but then some people are like, well,
we didn't know that they were going to
open extra positions. We didn't want
that one person. I was like, the drama,
the the glory of being on our HOA board
in a way that I'm like
It's not that deep. Why do you Why do
you care?
Right? Like [ __ ] HOA.
Surely there are more important things
in your lives. Meanwhile, in my
neighborhood, they're like, "Everything
in my life, including watching reruns of
Wheel, is more important than going to
an HOA meeting." Um, Vance goes to our
annual HOA meetings and he's like, "You
shouldn't come with me." I'm like, "Why
not?" He's like, "You will be too
frustrated." I'm like, "Why? Why would I
be too frustrated?" And he goes, "Have
you seen Parks and Wreck?"
And I go several times repeatedly.
Straight to jail.
Yep.
Straight to jail.
And he's like, "Well, if you've seen a
town hall meeting on parks and wreck,
you understand our HOA."
Oh god. Oh,
I feel like
I'm gonna learn a lot that I didn't want
to know
about your neighbors.
Yes. and the process of running an HOA.
But that's neither here nor there.
That's for a different different
podcast.
Oh yeah. Because then there's also the
difference differences between an HOA
and a POA. And those are things that you
definitely need to know within your your
new role.
Yeah. So good.
I don't need to know it.
I have no desire,
nor is anyone asking me to. And I'm
going to keep my head down.
my husband popped his head up and and
just immediately
got taken in. So, it'll be okay.
Okay. But also, and we'll leave it at
this and move back on to the dinosaurs,
you and your husband are singlehandedly
saving the HOA. And I think if we
reframe it through y'all being the
benevolent people who are saving the
neighborhood,
Sure. That's a Netflix movie.
Like, give yourself more credit here.
Okay, I'll take it.
Although, I did just think like I hope
not not like hot fuzz like
but anyway. Anyway,
so
um the guys are both obviously like
wanting to touch her and very into her
and keep saying things like we belong to
you and she's like I'm an insane person.
So she's like so this is the concussion
I got through this. I didn't die
but my brain
I might have a mild TBI.
Yeah.
Okay. Yeah. So, she runs and grabs um
some coats from like a break room that
didn't get destroyed um for the guys to
walk home in.
And um also notices that all of the
security cameras have been destroyed um
in the warehouse. So, she's like,
"That's helpful to me." Um, and so she's
like, "All right, let's just walk to my
apartment." I guess
these two strange dudes. I don't know. I
don't [ __ ] know. So,
I like that Arizona is just like not
questioning it at this point. She's just
like, "Well, I guess this is my new
reality."
Yeah.
Better work harder so I can take these
two to Mexico as well. They'll need some
passports.
Right. Right. Which is also very
millennial coded. So,
um, Zhan panic shifts when they get to
her apartment and her pet pig, Albert,
comes out to greet them. He panic
shifts. Um, and
is Albert Einstein a micro pig or
he's a teacup pig? Yeah, he's a little
little guy. Just a little guy.
Do you remember that pig that went viral
on Instagram because the gay couple
thought that they were adopting a teacup
micro pig, but it wasn't. It was like a
giant hog, but they still loved her and
crocheted her clothing.
Yes.
And invited her into their home and it
was wonderful and majestic.
Yes. That is how I envision um Albert
towards Arizona.
Not towards others.
Not towards the others. Well, they're
new.
Yeah.
They don't smell the same.
They don't. They don't. And Rez is
hiding from
the pig. And he's like, he kept keeps
repeating that this is a creature of
dark magic who feeds on chaos and you
keep one as a pet. You're so powerful.
She's like, "Oh my god, I never knew.
You're incredible." And she's like,
"It's literally a teacup pig." She's
like, "I'm picking it up off the floor."
And the guys are like, "Like like, no,
don't." Like, they're so afraid of it.
Um, so she gets Albert into the spare
bedroom. um and tells the guys that they
just need to go to bed. She's like,
"Let's just go to bed. We'll regroup in
the morning to figure out tomorrow what
is happening."
She's like, "I don't know what to do
with you people. Like, I don't know
where you came from. I don't we'll
figure out where you go in the morning."
And they're like, "Oh, we go where you
go." So, and she's like, "That's not
Nope." Mm-m.
She's like, "I'm gonna also go to sleep
and hope that when I wake up,
this was all a dream."
Very much. Very much. But Rez is like,
"No, you don't understand. The priestess
bound us to you." And she's like, "I'm
sorry. Who did what now? Excu Excuse the
[ __ ] out of me." And before she can ask
further questions, Rez just starts
making out with her. And then Zan eats
her out while Rez [ __ ] her.
And there's lots of like what it's so
there is no like
slow build. Like there there are moments
where she's like they are pretty hot.
Yeah, they're they're pretty hot. But
then all of a sudden it's like 6:00 to
midnight. Like Zan's on his
It might be 6:00 to sunrise. Like
Yeah. Yeah. Um and so
she um there's lots of talk about like
we can't wait to fully bond with you.
Like you're everything we've been
waiting for. Arizona, respectfully, baby
girl, I'm going to need you to ask some
more questions before you let them
inside you.
Mhm. Um she is randomly having intrusive
thoughts about, okay, so how am I going
to support three of us?
I already work a second job. I don't
even know if that's an intrusive
thought. I think that's just a logical
question.
Well, while they're midbang, I feel like
that's not
Have I had a distracted moment or two?
Who hasn't?
Yeah, Vance very early on in our
relationship and he's like, I adore you
with every fiber of my being and some
thoughts you have while we're having sex
don't need to be said out loud if
they're not related to what we're doing
in the moment.
I like I was like I looked over and
noticed the window sill was dusty. I
don't know.
I get it.
I'm like we should really clean that
later. And he's like right now now's the
moment to mention that.
Well, I just saw it from this angle.
I just didn't want to forget.
If you hadn't been plowing me from this
angle, I never would have known that
this needed to be
This is me thanking you.
So, they all just wind up passing out in
Arizona's bed and um my notes say cop
knock because somebody is like banging
on her door like closed fist banging. Um
and she answers the door in a sheet
because she's like half asleep and she
doesn't even know what the [ __ ] happened
last night really.
But the guys are still there and she's
like, "Well, I guess it wasn't a dream
nor a concussion."
Interesting.
So, she opens the door wearing a sheet.
One of the cops, whose name is Jack, is
super hot and she is like, "What the
fresh [ __ ] is wrong with me? I just got
doubleteamed by two of the hottest dudes
I've ever seen and I'm over here
checking out like
going, "That wasn't enough."
Flat Stanley. like chill out.
Like chill out.
Um so Rez reads her thoughts about like
lusting after Jack and he's like the
more the marrier. It is an honor to
share you. And she's like what?
She's like what the [ __ ]
Um and so the cops think the museum was
the target of a terrorist attack.
And Arizona's blood is everywhere. Like,
she was really, really hurt. So, her
blood is all over the museum. It's all
over the sidewalk. Like,
and here she is opening the door in a
sheet.
Right. Right.
And she's like, "Well, listen, I don't
remember I don't remember anything. I
don't remember clocking out or coming
home." Um, and
she does a pretty good like, oh my god,
why can't I remember like panic moment
like to benefit the cops and Jack is so
sweet and he's like, hey, hey, it's
okay. It's all going to be all right.
We're going to figure this out. The
important thing is that you're safe. Um,
but Arizona is like obviously he's just
doing his job. Like he's the good cop
clearly. Like that's what's happening
here. Um, and she's doing her best to
get everybody out of her apartment. Like
Jack and his partner, he's like
she's trying to get them out. And um, he
tells her to call him. Um,
and she literally is so stressed out by
this entire situation that she just like
sprints to the bathroom and throws up.
She's like, "I'm not a good liar. I
don't know what the [ __ ] is happening.
I'm I'm trying to bang everybody. Like I
just I can't I can't. Um yesterday I was
just saving money for vacation
and now
I'm dripping for every hot dude I see.
Mhm. Mhm. Um and Zan shows up and takes
care of her and is just super sweet. Um,
but then they start banging on the
kitchen table. Like he cleans her up and
is like comforting her and makes her
some tea or something and then that
escalates to banging on the kitchen
table which is fine. Except it's not
fine because her parents bust in the
door. Oh yeah.
Chaos ensues is what my notes say.
Because Arizona is mortified and the
guys don't get it because like they're
literally Zan and Arizona are mid [ __ ]
on the kitchen table. Her parents bust
in the door. Rez strolls out with no
shirt on and is like good morning happy
people. Like hello. And she's like oh my
god.
Um, oh, and I forgot to mention the guys
found clothing that belonged to one of
her exes that in like the back of a
drawer somewhere.
Okay.
So, um, the guys do not understand why
she is so upset. Also, though, I do have
to say it is kind of refreshing that
like they're like, "Oh, cool. Clothes.
How convenient."
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, cool. This sounds great. The more
the marrier.
Yep. Instead of being like, "Another
man's shirt is in your drawer. Take it
off. Take it off right now. Burn it."
No, they are like, "We don't like that
these smell like another dude, but
if us wearing clothes makes you more
comfortable, it'll be okay.
And laundry can be done."
And laundry can be done. So, she is
terrified that if she tells her parents
she's with both of the guys that they'll
disown her.
Um, and if she tries to tell the truth
about everything that they're going to
have her committed. And she's like,
"Maybe I should be committed." She's
like, "I don't know, man. I don't know."
She's like, "I'm already like
in it to win it with these guys. Like,
I'm clearly committed." Like, she has
these thoughts throughout where she's
like, "I met them 12 hours ago, but I
feel how I feel." And she like
like just plowing on through. She's
like, "It was not on my bingo card when
I went to work last night, but I'm
embracing the new bingo card that life
has offered me." Yeah, it is on that
one.
It's all It's all you can do is uh
adjust your bingo card, which is
cheating.
All you can do is a all you can do
buffet.
Yeah, exactly. So, we get Rez's
perspective now.
Oh, okay.
So, Rez is not pleased with how her
parents are acting. Um, they heard about
the bombing at the museum and that's why
they showed up at her apartment because
they know that she works there obviously
and they were worried and her phone was
lost somewhere in all the chaos. So, she
wasn't answering her phone and they got
pretty freaked out which is
understandable. But they very quickly
once they're like, "Oh, so you're not
hurt? Why are you whoring?" They're
like, "What is happening?"
not with those words exactly, but that
is legitimately they're like, "Then
what's this?" Like,
and so, uh, ZH sits down on the floor in
front of Arizona, which is a big deal.
Um, because that is taking on the
position of a servant in their culture.
And Rez is like, "Oh, damn." Like, he's
way more into this whole situation than
I really thought he was.
and than he thought he was. He They both
seemed pretty into the situation.
Still, he's like, "Wow,
that's devotion." Banging on the kitchen
table,
eating her out while another man is
inside her,
[Music]
sitting on the floor at her feet. Holy
[ __ ]
We'll never recover from that one.
Never. Um, so he basically
blurts out to like interrupt this whole
thing that um they're all together and
why would he be jealous? Like her mom
initially is like, "Don't you want to
spend your private time like with your
boyfriend without another man around?"
And he's like, "But we're all together.
Watching Arizona with Zan is beautiful.
Why would I be jealous? This is
incredible that she has someone else
that can bring her pleasure. This is
great. And Arizona is like flipping out
that this conversation is happening and
he's like,
"But
what's there to be ashamed of?
This is our dynamic." Like they would
have known eventually, right? And then
he gets really upset and he's like,
"Unless you like weren't planning to
tell them about us." And again, this is
less than 12 hours later, but he's so
hurt. He's so hurt by it. You weren't
going to tell your parents about the
best 12 hours of my life.
Mhm.
She's like, "Respectfully, no. I really
wasn't planning on it. I was figuring
out
some [ __ ] I didn't I didn't know this
was going to last longer than 12 hours."
I'm still trying to determine if I am
perceiving things that others are not
perceiving. Do I need to be 1013? Like,
right. Right. So,
Rez is like completely destroyed because
from his point of view, he's been
waiting millennia for her. He has known
all along that she was the one and he
has been he has been waiting for her
this whole time. So for Arizona, it's
like this was a fun and interesting
threesome to tell my friends at the
nursing home when I'm like 85 or
whatever. She's like, "This is not a
lifestyle. This is like, you know, a
whatever." And so he
he convinced Zan to join him. So Rez is
her faded mate. This is where we find
out Rez is her faded mate. ZH is best
friends with Rez and in hearing Rez talk
about how incredible Arizona was, he was
like, "Sign me up. She sounds hot." So
he has also been bound to her for
millennia and waiting for her this whole
time.
Oh gosh.
So waiting as bones.
Yeah. As bones.
Mhm. So
that is devotion.
It's
I expect Vance to wait as a bag of bones
for me.
Yeah. Yeah. I
I don't That's unrealistic.
I told Matt I was like, "Listen, if
something happens to me, I'm going to
need you to like
stop shaving and cutting your hair, like
go full hermit and sit in the dark and
pine for me."
So Vance has said on multiple occasions,
he goes, "If something ever happens to
you," he goes, "Ford and I will go off
the grid and no one will see us again."
And I don't think he's joking.
No, he's not.
I'm like, "You've met my husband." And
like he and my son will end up in the
remote mountains.
I was going to say they'll be in Montana
somewhere.
Yes.
Yeah.
Looking real hot and rugged.
Yeah.
Lots of flannel.
That'd be a new look for him.
I was gonna say he would have to embrace
a different aesthetic.
He would. Yep. That would be a part of
his healing journey.
Yeah.
And by healing, I mean morning journey
because there was no healing. It was
straight morning.
None whatsoever.
So that's part of the struggle that is
happening. So
and she's like, yeah, she's like, I
haven't had millennium millenniums to
prepare for this.
And she doesn't know all of this
backstory or anything. They've mentioned
a priestess one time, but she like has
no idea what's going on. And so even if
you had mentioned the whole story, you
still are entitled to a little bit of
time to process.
Yes, for sure. And so he is trying to
give her that credit. Like he knows
that, but he is so like I guess in his
mind he had built it up that it was
going to be like immediately incredible,
like connected, amazing. And so their
bond starts to fray like and that's how
they can speak into each other's minds.
Uhhuh.
And so he excuses himself. He's like, "I
can't
be in here right now." And Zan follows.
Um but Zan is like Golden Retriever
boopping along. And Rees is like,
"Aren't you upset?" And he's like, "No,
like I this is for the long run. I have
no regrets. like we have lifetimes to
show her why she should love us. Why
would I be upset? Like this is the first
start of it. Um so they have a cute
little bonding. Um Arizona is upset that
the guys have left and her parents are
as soon as the guys leave they like let
it rip that they are disgusted with her.
Um and they are super worried about what
other people will think. And so she
finally just kicks them out of her
apartment. She's like,
"Good for her."
No. She's like, "Okay, so you're
concerned about what your neighbors will
think if I have two boyfriends? Like you
really like that's worth ending your
relationship with me? Cool beans. Go
ahead and get out." Yep. Like call me
when you settle in. Um, so she goes
after the guys and she puts Albert on a
leash
and he suddenly rips out of her hand and
like takes off down the street and leads
her straight to them and they have
What a good Albert Einstein.
I know, right?
except that they have fully panic
shifted in the middle of the street and
because they were upset or because a pig
is charging them
because of an unrelated
okay
like with cars and people and [ __ ] they
weren't aren't used to.
So Arizona just starts pretending that
they're animatronics for an upcoming
coming movie and she's like
gorilla marketing and like
and Albert
essentially herds them back to her
apartment. You have this little pig like
running back and forth.
Um,
watching
like sheep dogs herd
I know is gnarly.
It's so cool.
It like cuz you're like what? Like
surely not. Surely this is beyond what a
dog of that size can do. And then
suddenly you blink and you're like, "Oh,
damn."
Yeah.
Is it a sheep dog? Is that one of them?
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Sheep dogs, cattle dogs.
There are so many different dogs.
Dogs in general. Yes. But like specific
for hering like that. I I sometimes
confuse them. But no, I don't think my
pug is ever going to hurt dogs. But I
also not not dogs,
dinosaurs. dinosaurs
or other dogs or any animals.
He's really not great at hurting in
general, not even
nor would I put a pig on the list of
great herders.
No. No. But Albert is. And so he gets
them most of the way back to her
apartment and then they shift in an
alley. Um and she's like, "Hey, so I'm
really sorry that all of this has
happened the way that it's happened.
Like maybe let's talk." And then my
notes say exposition time. So this is
where we get like all of the background
and information about what the [ __ ] is
happening. So Arizona is a descendant of
a magical people who have died out. The
high priestess from generations ago had
a vision that their magic would die out,
but that it would return with Arizona.
Okay. and um that she would be the one
to bring magic back to the world. And
this is where she finds out that Rez is
her faded mate. Um she the priestess
bound his bones in magic and the dust in
the library was ash from the spell that
awakened Arizona's magic and that's what
the explosion was was her magic like
unlocking
um from what she inhaled. That is some
conveniently placed ash, right? Um, and
that actually comes up. She's like,
"Wait a minute.
What if I had never found the dust or
like touched your bones?" And Rez was
like, "That was a risk I was willing to
take because the priestess has had
visions of all of these things. Like, I
knew it was going to work out and even
if it didn't, like you were worth the
risk." And so, um,
he also tells her they cannot have sex
from behind because it could awaken
their beasts and it might be unsafe for
her.
Um,
is that foreshadowing?
Uh-huh. And, um, this is where we find
out that Zhan like signed on for this.
He is not her faded mate. Um, and
the guys are gifts from her ancestor to
guide her in finding her magic. So,
this is where we also find out there are
other mates somewhere. He's like, "She
left you a lot of gifts, so we'll have
to look for those."
So, that's like future books is her
going to like
different dig sites to find her gifts.
Oh, so it's not other people sniffing
their own ash.
No, it's all Arizona's ash.
That's where I was like I
much like Sedona Ash but different.
Well, and that's where I was like, I
need us to get a little bit further into
this to know what sort of series it's
going to be.
Yeah. if like each person gets their own
dinosaur like Ice Planet Barbarians,
you know, like like No, that's all
focused on Arizona from what I can tell.
From what you can tell, fair enough.
So then they basically everything is
settled now. We're all good. Let's take
a nap. And then she's back to work and
no one knows if she was part of the
bombing. So that's the undercurrent of
all of this. She's a suspect because she
was the last known person to be in the
museum
and her blood is everywhere.
And her blood is everywhere. Clearly
fine,
right? So, what the [ __ ] happened?
So, um,
Jack the detective shows up and um,
the guys are speaking into her mind. Rez
is like, "Isn't that the guy that you
wanted to have sex with? I get it."
and she's like, "Oh my god." Um,
she's like, "Be cool, baby. Damn."
And so they flirt a little bit and it's
pretty nice. Um, there's lots of like
montage of them back at her apartment,
Albert causing chaos and whatever. Um,
and there Arizona and Zan are like
snoozing on the couch spooning
situation. And he there's a lot of like
Dom energy here where he's like, "Be a
good girl and stay quiet. If you move, I
stop. If you make a sound, I stop." And
he they start having sex from behind,
which was one of the main rules that Rez
gave her. And Rez wakes up from
somewhere else in the living room and
like freaks out. Um, but he's too afraid
to move because Albert is snuggled up as
his little spoon. And he's so terrified
of this micro pig that he's like, "Oh my
god." Like,
like, "You can't do that. You're going
to hurt her, but I can't move. This pig
has rendered me immobile."
Yes. His 6'4" or whatever self can't
handle the micro pig. You know, nothing
nothing like 65 and 230 lb of chiseled
muscle being terrified of a teacup pig
by a little 10 lb piglet. Too precious.
God, I want a pig. So eventually like
Rez works himself up and he gets up and
like pulls them apart and they start
posturing at each other and Arizona is
trying to remember the rules for like
how you handle a predator in the wild.
She's like, "If it's black, fight back.
If it's brown, lay down." And she's
like, "That's not helpful to me right
now. These are not bears." And they're
neither brown nor black. So, but that is
also a helpful saying it
to remember because quite frankly, I was
reading a book in this last week and
they mentioned a bear and I was like,
"Shit, man. If ever a bear approached me
in the woods,
I would not survive cuz I don't remember
which one is which and what you're
supposed to do. So, that saying
might have just saved my life. Not to be
dramatic about it, but
Well, in the area where we live, brown
bears are not really an issue anyway.
They're all black bears.
Oh, imagine that.
Yeah. What do you know? So instead,
do we have brown bears here in Georgia?
I don't believe so. I don't believe we
say I don't feel like we have brown. I
think we only have one.
Yeah. Mhm.
So that should also help.
It should help
um help you determine how to approach if
you're ever in Colorado. Different
story,
different situation. Look up the
Colorado rhymes. See what they suggest.
This is what we do in Georgia.
It's very regional. Um although I don't
believe Sedona Ash is from
North Georgia. But anyway,
um so she just like blurts out, "If it's
a raptor, let it tap her. And if it's a
T-Rex, it's time to have sex." Cuz she
doesn't She's like, "What?"
And so that breaks the tension.
Unfortunately, that feels similar to my
current approach to be there.
I mean, I'm not letting him [ __ ] me. I'm
just like,
I'm learning so much about you right
now.
But, um, that breaks the tension and
they sort of like are like,
"The raptor, let it tap her."
They all just start laughing like, "What
the fuck?"
And so they explain further that
awakening the beast would physical or
would trigger a physical change in
Arizona and they don't know like if it
will hurt her.
Oh.
And so um
they are like well that's whatever. And
then they're about to get in it again.
She's like well I have not cooled off
the way you maybe thought I would. when
there is another knock at the door and
it's Jack the detective and he is
inviting Arizona to dinner. Um, and he
sort of like stumbles over himself when
he sees two naked men and he's like uh
so maybe you already have dinner plans
and he's like maybe you guys would also
like to come
to dinner.
So all four of them go to dinner. Um,
it's probably time for
resins on to use how to use utensils.
Exactly. Um, and Arizona is freaked out
about keeping their secret. Um, and
she's like, I am not a good liar. I'm
not a spy. Like, I don't espionage is
not for me. Like, I I don't know how to
do this. And she gets pretty pissed when
Rez is like, we would be happy to come
to dinner. dinner sounds lovely. And
she's like, "For [ __ ] sake, dude."
And he's like, "But Jack might be
another one of your mates. Or even if
he's not, he could be a marvelous time."
Yeah, he he could be great. Marvelous
addition to the team, you know, and so,
um,
I like how open-minded her partners are.
Yeah, they're into it. They're very into
it. And so they go out for Italian and
the guys are shockingly normal, like
concerningly normal. Rez is like, "Oh
yeah, I'm a doctor." And Zan is like,
"Oh yeah, I'm a nanny." And everybody
like stops and he's like, "Just kidding.
I'm a personal trainer."
Like
like they're dropping jokes and [ __ ]
And Arizona is like, "What the fresh
[ __ ] Did you guys not just wake up 24
hours ago from being bones?"
And I'm pretty sure when you were a
dinosaur, there weren't personal
trainers.
No, but he kind of explains through the
mind link, Rez actually was a healer,
which is how he healed her injuries from
the explosion.
Um, and Zan really was like a trainer
for the warriors and things like that.
And so they have been picking things up
somehow. And so they learned the modern
words for those things. So Arizona is
getting like increasingly anxious, not
more relaxed as things are going on. And
she feels like her skeleton is vibrating
is how she describes it. Um, which is
how I've heard people describe being
high on cocaine,
but I can't confirm that
through firsthand knowledge. No.
One of my husband's best friends years
ago looked at looked my husband dead in
the eye and he goes, "Never try
cocaine."
And my husband was like, "Oh, okay." And
guy just goes, "You'll love it too
much."
And he's like, "I know you like that
will be the problem.
You will [ __ ] hard with cocaine."
And so that's the reason my husband's
like, "I've never tried cocaine." No,
cuz I I don't want to. I'm afraid I'll
love it too much.
It's like on Bob's Burgers when he's
driving the taxi. It's my favorite
episode. But he comes home and he's
clearly like unwell. And Linda's like,
"What the what the hell happened to you
last night?" And he's like, "I think I
might have tried crack last night." And
she's like, "What? We were supposed to
try that together." And he's like, "No,
no, no. I I didn't I didn't I didn't do
crack last night. But if I did, I liked
it.
But if I did, big fan.
If I did, I liked it.
But anyway, so um Rez and Zon then
finger her under the table at the
restaurant at the same time.
Okay. and she's working real hard to be
normal with Jack across the table from
her. And she finally comes and then
she's like, I'm going to just sprint to
the restroom real quick. Thanks.
And unbeknownst to her, Jack follows her
down the hallway to the bathroom, backs
her into a wall. They start making out
hardcore. She knows that they need to
stop. She's like, "We are in a
restaurant."
Like, what if somebody sees us?
He's a detective for the local also that
department, right? Like, that's not
He thinks I'm a domestic terrorist.
Like, there are a lot of reasons.
This is I'm a suspect.
What was that Rebecca Zenetti book?
Hidden where he thinks she's a domestic
terrorist.
Similar, but different
but with dinosaurs.
So,
she is like, "Anybody could come down
this hallway. We need to cut this the
[ __ ] out." But she like can't make
herself stop. And Jack is also like,
"Why do I feel so out of control?" Like,
I I don't understand what's happening.
He's like, "I'm hiding evidence for
you." like we have video from businesses
down the road from the the museum
that can see you walking with these two
strangers and whatever.
And so
also bold move of Jack to invite the
other dudes in the video out to the
their date with them.
Yeah.
What
everybody what I appreciate about this
book is everybody knows except for resin
on. So really, Jack and Arizona know
that this is not normal. They're like,
"This is not what the [ __ ] but we're
still doing it." So like, and I
appreciate that. So Res and Zan show up
and they kind of break up the makeout
session and they're both totally chill
about it. They're like, "Love this. Love
that we're exploring. So excited to see
where we go." Um, restaurant, maybe not
the place. Maybe. Look at them once
again being the level-headed ones in the
group.
The unexpected voice of reason um from
the velociaptor. So, Arizona tells Rez
um to quit being so careful or so sweet
to her because if he's not careful,
she's going to fall in love with him.
And
mayhem abounds. All of a sudden, he is
like, "I got to get the [ __ ] out of
here." Zhan picks her up and puts her
over his shoulder and he's like, "We got
to go." And they like run out of the
restaurant. Like Zan throws cash at the
table. She's like, "Where did that come
from?" And they're like, "No stress.
Don't worry about it."
I mean, that is a valid question,
right? And so, um, Arizona tells Jack,
she's like, "Just go home. I don't know
what's happening. Bye." And to her
shock, he's like, "104." And leaves. And
she's like, "Huh,
okay. Well, that's good.
One less thing to worry about."
Was easier than anticipated.
Uh-huh. So Zan explains that she said
the L word to Rez even though she was
like kind of joking about it and that's
all he's ever wanted for like thousands
of years and he's like so he needs to be
somewhere where he can shift and you
guys can chill out cuz he's going to
flip the [ __ ] out cuz he's too excited
about that word even within the context
that it was used.
Yep. So then there's a burning pain on
her leg that she doesn't understand
what's happening.
Oh,
and she passes out.
What?
Yeah, I know. And then she wakes up and
Well, that's that's good, Hannah. One
would hope.
That's how we keep the the story moving
is that she wakes up.
What if you' just been like, "And that's
where the book ends." I'd be like, "What
the fuck?"
The end. You don't need to know more.
You don't need to know more.
So
Zan is freaking out. He siphoned her
magic to teleport them. And that's the
burning that she felt cuz he was trying
to get enough energy so that he could
get all three of them somewhere safe.
And he feels so bad about it because he
didn't ask her first. And she's like,
clearly that was the only move. It's
fine. Like it's all good.
And
she's very chill. She is
like took half a clonopin an hour ago.
Chill. She's just rolling. We should all
be so lucky, right?
As to go through life.
If I could just get to the point of
emotional regulation where I just always
feel like I took half a clonopin for
real. That is all I'm aspiring to.
Oh god, if only. Um,
but part of the chaos at the restaurant
was that she lost control of her magic
in the restaurant.
Oh.
And that's why she and Jack both felt so
out of control is cuz she had
accidentally initiated a bond
um a claiming with him which is
permanent. And she's like, "Oh no." So
wait, so like they're permanently bonded
now or she started it but it didn't
it started but it's not completed yet.
But she's like, "Oh, fuck." Like, that
could have been really bad cuz I don't
know what I'm doing. But that was the
the jittery feeling that she had at the
restaurant was um her magic building up
in her system, which was released by the
orgasm, but clearly not enough. So, um,
and apparently it feels just like doing
Coke,
apparently.
Have you ever come? It's pretty much the
same thing. Don't even worry about it.
Oh my god. That's like I can't remember
what show it is. Might be Super Store
where they're like, "God, meth will
really do a number on you, huh?
Why do people do it?" So, my guess is it
feels incredible.
Was that Garrett?
Yes. Yes. who's also an animal control
in parks and
where the cops at.
Clearly my favorite character
everywhere. Um, so
she then realizes that Jack listened to
her so easily about going home because
she was essentially using influence with
her magic she didn't realize she had.
And so she starts to freak out thinking
that he's not actually attracted to her
at all and she's somehow like entrapped
him or something.
So then we get Zan's point of view.
Um
he is trying to chill her out because
she's freaking out so bad and Rez is a
dumbass and just tells her to calm down
because the high emotions will make her
magic worse.
And he's like,
"Are you [ __ ] kidding me?" Everybody
knows that. Everybody. I'm a dinosaur
shifter that's thousands of years old,
and I know you don't do that [ __ ] Like,
come on, man. And so,
they also are beginning to realize that
Arizona is a lot more powerful than they
really thought. And um so Rez's T-Rex
takes over as part of the shift and
explains that she has not fully bonded
with ZH and Rez and that is part of what
is making her and them more unstable. Um
and basically he's like you should
probably get your [ __ ] together. And
she's like this is not normal. And he's
like huh?
Still
doesn't change the situation.
Learn to accept it quickly my dear. Yep.
Yep. And Zan is like, "Maybe could you
chill out? Like, we're trying to ease
her into this." And he's like, "You guys
are being too soft. She needs to
understand the situation and you guys
are trying to hide it from her. It's not
helpful." So, no.
T-Rex is very [ __ ] but he gets the job
done. So, um,
he also he just then focuses on getting
them home. He's like, "We just need to
get Rez shifted back into human. We just
need to get you guys home. This is all
too much."
So, now we switch to Jack's point of
view. Jack is having a crisis of faith
in his job because he's hiding evidence
and like doing [ __ ] he shouldn't be
doing and just generally freaking out.
Yeah. For a random suspect that he like
met less than 24 hours ago.
Yeah.
That's the right response, Jack.
Yeah. Question yourself.
Yes.
Yeah. So being like, I met this person
less than 24 hours ago and I'm hiding
evidence for them.
Am I okay?
I've seen that Lifetime movie, I think.
But the one starring Christian Wig and
Will Frell.
No, but yes. So everyone else has just
let the incident go. They're like,
there's no bomb fragments anywhere.
Nothing was stolen. Everything's been
accounted for. Mhm.
Like there doesn't appear to be a
motive. Like
seems
Yeah. Like there's there's really no
crime necessarily. Like obviously there
was an explosion and like an incident,
but like
could have been an accident. Could have
been a gas leak or something.
Yeah.
Everything's accounted for,
right? So
Arizona is clearly hiding something,
though, and he wants to know what it is.
So even though everybody else is kind of
moving on, he's still really stuck,
really stuck on it. And he's really
upset that he left Arizona the night
before and he's feeling sick, like
physically ill. And so he shows up at
the museum
and takes her to the beach to talk
because she's been given some
uh mandated time off because they're
like, "We can't confirm that you didn't
blow up
the museum, but we also can't confirm
that you did, and if you didn't, you
could sue us for a lot of money if you
were hurt." And so they're like, "Would
you like some time off?
We will negotiate with terrorists."
Like,
and so they go to the beach.
It is a bit of a pickle that they find
themselves in.
It very much is. It very much is. So
time off is the answer, which we'll
take.
And so Jack takes her to the beach for
them to talk, and he is basically like
begging her at this point. Like, I know
you're not being honest. Please tell me
what's going on. Um, and he tells her he
checked the security footage from the
restaurant and there was a camera in the
hallway and you could see them
disappear. Like they are in the hallway
and then they disappear
because she was thinking anybody could
come down this hallway. that would be
bad if someone saw us and she somehow
created a barrier in
speaking to that larger power that she
has. Okay.
So, she starts to cry because she's
like, I don't know. She's like, I really
I'm not doing this on purpose. Um, and
she is like, you know, I I can't tell
you anything because you're always going
to be a cop and like your obligation is
there. We haven't known each other that
long. Like, I can't do this to you. You
could be wearing a wire. Like, I don't
know if I can really trust you. And so,
he picks her up and dunks them both into
the ocean and is like, "Not wearing a
wire?
Please tell me what the [ __ ] is
happening. please. And so she tells him
everything and he my notes say,
"What if it was waterproof?"
I mean, that's a gamble she's willing to
take.
She didn't make him get naked first.
Well, she's about to because
she literally goes through like they're
dinosaur shifters and my ancestor was a
priestess and I have magic and blah blah
blah blah blah. And he's like, "Cool,
cool, cool. Love that. Thank you so much
for the explanation.
let's do it. And she's like, I would
love to. Thank you so much. She's like,
well, now that that's behind us. And he
she also is like, also, you should know
though that I accidentally started to
initiate a claim and I think if we have
sex, that'll like close it and we'll
basically be married for life. I really
feel like you should know that. And he's
like, "Sounds great. Let's do it." He's
like, "Why are we still talking about
it? Be about it.
Stop. know,
I've respected him most of this book.
Why? Who can say that moment though of
him just being like, I don't care about
the consequences cuz I just want to get
my dick wet.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He loses a lot of
credibility in this very brief thing
where it's clear he's been white
knuckling it for so long and this is the
moment when he's like, "Fuck it. Maybe
she's insane. Maybe I'm insane. Maybe
Dinosaur shifters are real. Who gives a
[ __ ] I can't do this anymore.
Like, it's too much.
If that [ __ ] is 25% as good as I think
it'll be,
it'll be worth it.
And it is. So, um, they she is like
triple-checking that he's cool with it.
And he finally just starts edging her.
Um, and then she starts edging him and
it's a whole thing.
Um, finally she says to him,
"If you stop again, I will flip you and
ride you like a bicycle down a
staircase."
Which was fun to me. And so they [ __ ] on
the beach. Arizona finalizes her claim.
Beach sex is terrible.
Too much sand.
Too much sand.
The granules are too small. They go
everywhere. so much
not addressed.
Always hot in theory.
Always. Yes. Seems sexy.
So sexy. And then in practice, you're
like, "What?"
Yeah.
Did I think was going to happen?
And especially if it's at night, it's
cold and damp and you're like, "Why are
we doing this?" Like really, like, let's
take a moment to reflect. Why are we
doing this?
Beach sex will really make you do some
interpersonal work you didn't
anticipate.
It's it's beach sex and car sex. I feel
that you're like, "Wait a minute. I am
having an existential crisis.
What is this?" We had car sex the day we
got engaged. And I thought about that on
so many occasions.
We got engaged in a public park.
Uh-huh. Did we go into one of the
bathrooms first? Did we quickly go
There's a lock on the door, but on
principle, this is not where we're
[ __ ] after we got engaged. Yes.
Yeah.
Um,
so it was in the car in the parking lot
at the public park.
Yeah.
Yeah.
These things happen.
I get it. My first car was uh like a
2001 Nissan Ultima.
The way you said that, I remember my
first car.
I remember I remember my first car, but
what I remember most is that I bought it
for my cousin and he was telling me the
features of the car while my dad was
standing there,
stop.
And my cousin says with a straight face,
"Yeah, when you lay the seats down, you
can get a whole queensiz mattress in
here." And my dad went, "Excuse me?" And
my cousin went, "For moving."
And I still think about it. For moving.
I was like, "Brian, shut the [ __ ] up,
dude." Like,
Yeah. for moving.
Yeah. And his wife, Amanda, was there
and she was like, Her
eyes got really big and I was like, I
don't need to know what y'all did. I
don't need to know.
You're like, but also if ever I were
going to find out. My father standing
right next to us is not
not when I want to find out.
Yeah. Not when or how. I
I was hoping we'd ever have this
conversation.
Mm-m. Mm- It's pretty rough. But anyway,
so were they
beach sex. So,
um, he basically Jack basically like
passes out from the pleasure and she
starts to panic that she hurt him. But
her magic basically went bonkers and she
was thinking, "I really want him to
enjoy this. I hope this is like the best
orgasm ever." And so it just went on and
on and on until he passed out. Um,
and
I mean, that's a cool party trick.
Yeah. Jack is like, "Joke's on you,
[ __ ] I'm into that shit." Like, whoa.
Like,
yes, you can control my orgasm anytime
you want,
right? Please don't threaten me with a
good time. So, um,
she starts to freak out because her
magic is getting like more and more out
of control.
And so, she keeps telling him to go and
he won't leave her. And she basically
like concentrates really hard on ZH and
Rez and they she brings them to her.
Like she teleports them to her and they
had been trying to swaddle Albert
Einstewine to prevent him from hurting
them while Arizona wasn't home. And
did they bring Einstein to the beach?
Yes. So they're like they have tongs and
like a blanket and like like oven mitts
and [ __ ] and there's like a tornado of
magic and I'm just imagining these two
huge men like Yeah. It it's a lot to
drink in
tongs.
Yeah.
What the [ __ ] are tongs are so good?
They're like
it's a full pig, not bacon. Like
Well, that's the other thing. She calls
Albert ham throughout this whole thing.
She's like, "Let me go get this ham."
Arizona.
It's pretty funny. So, um,
Rez says, because they all freeze and
she's like, "What? What are you doing?"
And Rez is like, "We live in fear every
moment. We're alone with him."
And Jack is like rolling around on the
beach laughing his ass off. And Arizona
is like, "This is a [ __ ] problem.
Like, I'm going to destroy the earth
with like how much magic I have
building. I cannot deal with you people
right now.
You're worried about my pig. My pet pig
priorities." So, she speaks into Zan's
mind um and confirms that he's cool with
her claiming Rez first. Um and Zhan is
like, "That sounds great." So, Rez is
like, "I'm going to be your first
dinosaur mate. Incredible. I love this
journey for me." Yes. Naked. So, um
[ __ ]
abound.
Yeah. Yeah. Zan is like guiding her head
on Rez's dick, which is a whole thing.
claiming sex with Rez and then and then
Chelsea.
Oh no, your face is not giving good
vibes.
Recall if you will about the no sex from
behind rule about how
it would trigger the beast that would
trigger a change in her.
Well, the change from the beast being
triggered is that his dick turns into a
corkcrew like a duck.
What?
Yeah.
Why is that the change?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Of all of the changes we could have
written.
Yeah.
Corkcrew penis.
Yeah.
Which sounds like the name of a garage
band.
Like I just heard myself say it and I
was like, "Oh, pretty sure I play I
heard them play at Neptune Lounge in the
early on." It's fine.
This is Corkcrew penis.
Oh, they definitely played at Johnny
Bee's. No doubt about it.
So that happens, which then triggers a
physical change in her to accept the
corkcrew situation, which is inherently
very pleasurable for everyone. Oh,
that's great. Um,
there are declarations of love abound.
Um, her
Did she turn into Cork?
No. No.
No.
I don't need the answer.
I don't really know. I don't I don't
know enough about bird
sex.
I was going to say penetration and then
was like, I don't like that.
[Music]
And you know what? Anytime someone says,
"I don't know enough about bird
penetration," I'm going to say, "That's
good." Yeah, that's good. Unless you're
a
ornithol
ornithologist. Ornithologist, is that it
right? Yeah.
Herpatologist is lizards.
Eichthologist is fish.
Thank you for coming to Hannah's
vocabulary corner. I'm really glad we
could do that. But anyway, she comes so
hard that there's like an explosion of
magic that throws Jack and Zan
um away from her, which is which is
weird. And like gives them an orgasm as
well. So, everybody has come now because
her orgasm was so powerful. Um,
you came because your partner came so
hard that she shared that pleasure with
you.
No one was touching them.
And yeah, I'm like, okay. I'm just
imagining you're standing a couple feet
away. You get blasted 10 feet away and
then you look down at your pants and
you're like, uh, man,
jizz in my pants.
Open the window and I feel the breeze
and I jizz in my pants. So, Zan, she's
like, "Okay, Zan, it's your turn." But
she's clearly exhausted. And he's like,
"Maybe we should just go get some rest
and I can claim you in a little bit."
Okay. Okay. So,
way to way to read the room, my dude.
Yeah, he gets it.
He also just doesn't want her to
starfish,
right? He wants a fully active partner,
you know, which I can appreciate.
I get it. I get it. So, they go to her
apartment and they pack some of her
belongings to go to Jack's house because
it's bigger and just generally more
comfortable. Um,
Jack then reveals that he's
independently wealthy
and he doesn't need to be a cop. He just
does it for the love of it, which is a
red flag for me, but
whatever. He asks all of them to move in
with him
and
they're like, "That's great, Arizona.
Now you can quit your job
and we can devote ourselves to finding
the rest of your mates." And she's like,
"Oh my god, what?" She's like, "Quite
frankly, I think three is plenty. You
don't need to be greedy out here."
For real. And she's also like, "But I
need to keep working. like I I need to
contribute, right, and like help support
us. And Jack is like, "Honey, you don't
understand. Like, I have more than
enough money for all of us. Like,
don't worry about it. There's so much in
this book that is so painfully
convenient, but I really appreciate that
it's addressed at all." And so,
you know, touche.
I'm like, "Okay,
touche.
I get it."
So, um,
they Albert then suddenly jumps on the
bed, like they're all kind of in a puppy
pile, and Albert jumps on the bed with
an invitation in his mouth that is
addressed to Sedona, but was delivered
to Jack's house.
Addressed to Arizona.
Uh-huh.
Not Sedona.
Sedona is the author.
Yes, you are correct. You said
Did I say Sedona?
Yeah. You said the invite was addressed
to Sedona and I was like, okay, are we
getting like a little fourth wall-ally
here? Like what's the
not Sedona, Arizona?
Arizona. It's addressed to Arizona.
And um it is a dressed
to like bring her to show off her
animatronics
from when the guys shifted in the
street. Mhm.
People had filmed it and put it online.
Some people are like, "She's a tech
savant."
Yeah. She's incredible.
Practical effects like no other.
Like
I want the sequel of this book to be
that this is how they went on to film
the live action for How to Train Your
Dragon. That would be really good.
Like
that would be really good.
Okay. Interesting.
Yeah.
Very intrigued by this.
So, um they want her to come visit and
do a showcase and do a talk and stuff
like that. Um and clearly this is
magically influenced because there's no
way that this invitation could have
gotten to her so quickly, especially at
Jack's house. It's like it's very weird.
And so,
especially with all of them in the bed
and the pig bringing it,
right? So, Rez and Zan this whole time
have been like, "This is not a pig. This
is a magical creature with powers
and like chaos is being sewn about." And
this is the first time that Arizona is
like, "Is is he a magical creature?"
Oh god, is her pig going to become one
of her mates in the future? I don't
think so.
One can only hope not
cuz we're almost to the end of this one
because the guys say they're like resin
on are like this is probably fate. Like
this is probably being influenced by
magic. Maybe one of your other mates is
there at this museum so we should go.
Um, and
uh, my notes say currently their
polycule is happy and healthy and ready
for the next adventure. And that's how
it ends is with the four of them plus
Albert like figuring out we're so happy
together. Let's go see if we can be
happier.
You know, let's go see if we can bring
in more.
And I've always been out here living by
the saying, you can't make a happy
person happier.
Mhm.
Like, no need to try. They're already
happy.
Yeah.
What are you doing with your time?
Give your energy to somebody who needs
it, you know? Yeah. Yeah. You get it.
Interesting.
Yeah. So,
very fun. One thing I didn't mention,
but I did enjoy is that when they were
explaining like, you know, your destiny
is to bring magic back and all this and
that, Arizona is like, "Wait, wait,
wait." In books and movies and [ __ ]
somebody's always trying to kill the
chosen one. Like, there's always, she's
like, "Is there some kind of faction I
need to be looking out for? Like, is
there valid?" And they're like, "No,
this is just an act of love from your
ancestor to like bring about magic."
Feels like a trick. It's too simple.
I liked it though cuz they were like,
"Nah."
I like that nothing in it was overly
complicated. Even the things that you're
like, "Wait, I have questions." They're
like, "We'll give you a vague answer and
you'll accept it,
right?
It's plenty,
right? Jack happens to be independently
wealthy. Don't worry about it." Like,
okay, there happened to be men's
clothing in Arizona's house that fits
the guys. Don't worry about it. Like,
her ex was also a giant.
Right. Don't worry about it.
And I won't.
Right. this. That's what I liked about
this is that it had all the elements of
like the fantasy shifter, reverse harum,
like all of that stuff without all the
angst that almost always goes with this
genre.
Like the angst just wasn't there.
Um, no. I'm literally reading like a
vampire chosen one trilogy right now.
It's like all of the tropes of like,
isn't someone always trying to kill the
chosen one? Yes.
Yeah. perpetually.
For sure.
So, like this really was refreshing.
Yeah. Yeah. And I also liked she's like,
"How did you guys get so good at this?
Like this is crazy." Like in terms of
sex and stuff. And the guys are like,
"Oh, well, we went to we had classes
like like male dinosaur shifters who had
been like mated for a long time. They
would teach us so that when we met our
our mate that we could please her. But
like we have never been with anybody
else and it's just super like I was like
that's really nice cuz I'm reading a
different shifter one right now that I
will not be finishing the series frankly
partly because these two teens late
teens are having their first time and
she's like how did you get so good at
this and he's like I watch porn and I
was like well
no that's not how you get good at it.
I'm out.
Nope.
It might give you a couple of ideas.
Sure.
Not all of those are good ideas.
No.
Was it Bert Kryer who was talking about
in the standup how like
he like hit his wife on the vagina
[Music]
and he's like, "Yeah." You know, and I
was watching that point. I was like,
"Smack that [ __ ] on the [ __ ] son."
Like, it was that
don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do
that. M you if you are going to have
some conversations first. That's make
sure they consent. Don't
it shouldn't be a surprise.
Don't sneak attack.
Sneak attack. Oh my god. No. No. Oh, so
there was a an author that I was reading
a lot of when I first started reading in
this genre and I it's Amelia something
or other I think
and I could not read any more of her
books because it was constant [ __ ]
slaps and I just I was like if I read
that phrase one more time
I can't
also
no
like
yeah If that's what you're into, good
for you.
Not going to like judge anyone for what
they're into.
Never.
But I don't think any part of me has
ever been like intrigued by the idea.
Like that's not something that I've like
ever been like, I should go to Vance and
be like, "Hey baby, there's something I
want to try in bed." And when he goes,
"What is it?" I go, "Smack that [ __ ] on
the [ __ ] son." Like,
Right. I'm just like, "No."
So,
Matt and I have been saying increasingly
like weird things to proposition each
other, like, "Do you want to engage in
some behaviors that the Southern Baptist
Convention would not approve of?"
I was taking a sip of water and I deeply
regret it.
That's what it's been for the past week.
It'll probably morph into something else
now. Um
Um but they would definitely frown on
the [ __ ] slaps. I think that's why I
thought
So my cousin and his wife when they were
engaged, they were going through through
like a premarital counseling course at a
church in a group.
And my cousin's fiance raised her hand
and she's like, "So, what how does
everyone feel about toys,
iconic?"
He had tears like running down his face.
He's like like he's like I've thought of
it so many times. Such an incredible
moment.
Iconic. Truly.
Also, just like worth noting about my
cousin and his fiance, they are
annoyingly attractive.
Sure. like he's 6' n and played college
basketball. I've like we were in foreign
countries out at clubs and I'm like
random girls just walking up to you,
right? Like he married a swimsuit
competition model like they are
beautiful people and I just imagine
sitting in that like church
church basement. Yes. In the fellowship
hall.
The fellowship hall of the basement.
Yeah. So, how do we all feel about toys?
Jesus Christ. Pretty good.
Great, actually.
Yeah.
I just watched, which it's been out for
a long time now, the movie Hard Eyes,
which is a horror romcom situation.
I'm glad you could watch that for both
of us.
Me, too. But it is hilarious because
they have a lot of the romcom tropes. So
they she takes a guy back to her
apartment and she realizes like her
rabbit is on her nightstand. And so she
like casually like walks over and grabs
it and she's like maneuvering it so he
won't see it as she goes to try to put
it in her closet and she opens the
closet door and the killer is in there
and she just chucks her rabbit right at
his face and it turns on. So, it's like
move like inchworming across the floor
while there's this major fight scene.
It's pretty wonderful,
you know.
I like that when they were writing the
script, like, how can we add some
levity?
Yeah. Oh, it's hilarious. Actually, the
whole thing.
That does sound funny. Not enough to
make me watch a a horror movie.
It's super gory. You would hate it, but
you're like, but I'll tell you about
this one scene that you would enjoy.
Yeah. I won't tell you the other ones. I
won't do that to you. Yeah. You're
welcome.
Thank you for loving me so well.
Yeah.
You're welcome.
I mean, we are years into our friendship
now.
We really are. Yeah.
We've been doing this for a while. All
that said, though, what's our rating
scale for this book? Pigs.
Pigs. Pigs.
Teacup pigs. Micro pigs. Yeah, that
feels
Yeah. Teacup pigs. Um, I feel like we're
going to do
out of
eight.
Sounds great.
I'm going to go with a five.
Yeah,
five pigs out of eight pigs because it
was very enjoyable. It was easy to read.
um it closed up a lot of plot holes,
even if it did them kind of in a clumsy
way. Um but that added to the charm. So,
it's a very enjoyable book. I probably
will read the rest of them, but
it it sounds like a book that doesn't
take itself too seriously in a very like
refreshing way.
Yes, she knows what she's about and we
lean into it, which I appreciate.
Represent Sedona.
Yeah,
we'll we'll likely be back. Uh, we
likely will. Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right. All that said, we are
offering five teacup pigs.
How many teacup pigs would you say this
book is? Out of eight. Was that where we
landed? Yep. It was out of eight. I knew
we landed on five, but I was like, I
think it was eight.
But then I How do we choose eight? It
sounds
I just made it up.
Like like we do every [ __ ] episode,
Chelsea. Well, usually the number is
linked to something, but I was like out
of four because there are four of them.
But that doesn't feel good.
Yeah.
So, I did eight instead.
I think that's a solid choice.
Mhm. Mhm.
Don't forget to like and subscribe.
Comment.
Comment. Rate. Let us know what you
would like us to review next. If you'd
like more Dinosaur Mut, holl at you
girls. If you'd like less dinosaurs mut
also holla at you girls. We don't know
if you don't tell us.
Feedback. Yeah.
Yeah. And if you don't tell us, there
likely will be more dinosaurs in the
future. So
this has been a threat.
And I promise
it all depends on your lens.
We can choose a positive reframe,
Hannah.
We can
use those CBT skills, baby.
Hate it.
And on that note, we'll see you next
time. Bye, smud [ __ ]
Bye.
Well, that's it for this week, smud
[ __ ] We hope it was good for you, cuz
it sure was great for us. If you're
digging what we're doing, it would mean
a lot if you'd take a minute to rate and
review the show wherever you're
listening right now. Maybe tell that
sexy someone to lend us an ear. We love
you. We appreciate you. And we'll see
you next week. Stay sputddy.
[Music]
