Smut Club

well hello all you beautiful

people you know what time it

is ladies and gents guys and dolls and

everyone in

between gather around get you something

real nice to sip on and comfy to slip

on cuz it's time for Smite Club here's

your hosts Chelsea and Hannah

[Music]

[Laughter]

hey everybody and welcome to Smut Club

i'm Hannah and I'm Chelsea and this is

the podcast where we are two licensed

mental health therapists who sometimes

daydream sometimes don't and discuss

romance novels of varying caliber yeah

or something yeah

that I mean that is the gist of it yeah

yeah now that you know you can either

hang or not but that is what we'll be

doing for the foreseeable future yeah i

was like did I hit the high points i'm

pretty sure

okay so what if you are going to hang if

if that interests you if that interests

you allow me to narrow it further does

alien smut interest you if the answer is

yes welcome stick around we are doing

Ice Planet Barbarians 2 barbarian Alien

by Ruby Dixon

okay when you said two all I could think

of was is it break into Electric

Booaloo you're like I barbarians too i

was like Electric Booaloo and I'm like

you know I I read this one a a long time

ago so I and I didn't reread it cuz I I

think it's kind of fun to like

rediscover yeah rediscover and like go

in kind of fresh and see what all I

remember but uh yeah I was I'm even at

that I was like I know it's not electric

bugaloo i read it

be cooler if it was though

i would love to ask chat GPT to write

Ice Planet Barbarian to Electric Booaloo

we should do that we should do that we

should absolutely okay

okay so if you have not listened to the

first Ice Planet Barbarians episode we

did I would suggest maybe going and

checking that out cuz there's a lot of

background here of which I will do super

quickly but basically there are 12 human

women who were basically accidentally

sort of stranded on this alien planet

after they had been abducted from their

homes on Earth yeah like they were being

abducted by alien smugglers who were

smuggling humans who then I don't know

hit turbulence dumped them yeah sorry it

has been a minute but yeah for some

reason dumped the cargo on this planet

yes and it is a very inhospitable ice

planet and in order for people to

survive on this planet they have to have

what is called a kooey

yes i forgot about the kooey i'm so

excited often referred to as a cootie by

the human women um and basically this

parasite essentially um allows the human

and also this alien

species to um survive on this planet um

and it also recognizes a mate so when

it's just like when you're filled with

the Holy Spirit right

i just wanted to see your face i was

like that's not the metaphor that I was

going to go with and if I'm totally

honest I did not choose my husband based

on anything from the Holy Spirit um

was it his love of insane clown posy

that did it for you yes yeah it was just

something about the jugalo face paint

just got me

you're like when I see that face paint I

need to change my panties 100% you get

it

um but yes the the kooey resonates or

they sometimes call it singing but it

like vibrates in your chest when you

find your mate and

um so the one of the human women this is

from the first book she had gone out to

find help or food or shelter or

something all the other women have been

trapped in this cargo hold that had been

like kicked off the ship um for several

days they are freezing um and hungry

hungry yes stinky not having a good time

and also don't know that because they

don't have the the kooey cooties that

they are slowly dying so like they're

like not they're all kind of like slowly

diminishing right it's like a frog in a

pot yes yeah so some of the women are

like not waking up anymore like they're

not dead but like they are unconscious

and they can't wake them up anymore and

so they know they are dying they just

think that it's related to injuries from

the crash

or gas so we open with Liz and um she is

not having a good time she's extremely

sick extremely weak um and she's getting

more and more frustrated with the other

women because there's lots of like

crying and complaining going on and

she's like "Y'all like we get it we're

all [ __ ] struggling like everybody

shut up." Like she's really just

exhausted and nearing the end of her

rope um but I also feel like her rope is

pretty short to begin with like she's

she's feisty she has got a short fuse

our Liz um our Liz yeah she gets real

spiced real quick that's our Liz yeah

for a lot of reasons that's our Lizzy so

um the Georgie has returned with a group

of these giant bluehorned

aliens to mount a rescue for the women

one of the aliens will not leave her

alone um like just won't stop like

forcing water on her like feeding her

like won't quit i'm saving you let me

save you right but he's super dickish

about it like shoving stuff in her face

and she's like "Oh my god." So she's

like giving it to the other women that

are struggling more and he's getting

increasingly angry that she's not like

receiving what he's trying to give

her um and he says he doesn't speak

except to say Rahos which is his name

and one of the girls has like a

translator stuck in her ear and she says

"Oh that translates to the one who is

angry."

Okay this poor guy who just his mother

was like "You seem pissed." And like

gave him that name I guess

um I mean there are some names that like

you you wonder how you look at a baby

and

think that looks like a Eugene right

right like a Ray Hos matt's listening to

this ray Hos does not sound terrible but

the one who growls and is angry is a

weird thing to do but Matt's listening

to this podcast right now and the guy's

name is Thrasher like that's his given

government name is Thrasher like first

name

fascinated it he probably went to like a

bougie prep school like I feel like if

you have a last name for a first name

maybe that would be better i was like

"Oh like the bird." And Matt was like

"What?" I like never mind so anyway um

he is also covered in scars like one of

his horns is missing like has been

damaged um and he's like really really

scarred up and so she tells the other

women cuz they're like "What is going on

with this alien being all over you?" And

she's like "I don't know he's harmless

he's scarier than most though."

And so what Liz does not know is that

Rahos can understand her because he got

there's a another ship it's an ancestor

ship oh yeah yeah yeah but they can like

download languages and so he had English

downloaded before he went to the um to

rescue the humans um because he wanted

to be able to communicate with them

so um he is kind of upset that she said

that he was really scary um because she

is 100% his mate so he has experienced

resonance um but she keeps scowlling at

him and like refusing the food and stuff

that he's offering her he's like "But

you are my mate we have resonated." So

he's like "But she thinks I'm scary."

and she won't let me help her so like

I'm not going to say anything that like

she's my mate mhm cuz like this is a

weird situation and she doesn't have a

kooey yet so she has not experienced the

resonance well and

also not to be morbid but like the

people around her are dying right so

like Right i do appreciate that he's

feeling the room a little bit right now

is not the time Yeah to be like "Oh my

god I love you." She's like "I need a

bath so bad." Like

he's like "So you're my mate." Yeah i'm

super excited to be here my name is Ray

Hos like no that's not how we're doing

this um so he also tries to carry her

because her toes are literally like

broken broken from the crash um and she

refuses his help um but he keeps trying

to do it anyway and Veal who is the

chief um of their tribe eventually tells

him that he must honor Liz's

wishes no matter what and he's like "But

she's hurt." Chief's like "I don't

care." Like we do not do anything to the

humans without their consent period ever

104 well and

also if I want to make sure I'm

remembering all this correctly but in in

the first book that like their

population was dying off and they were

having a hard time repopulating right

right and then Vectal ends up with

Georgie who's the one who had like gone

for the rescue and she was able to get

pregnant right with his I don't hybrid

baby yeah so that's also part of why

they're like revering these women so

deeply is because they're like "We don't

know how we having them." Yes like they

crashed here and now we are a saved

community right so I get where he's

coming from with like wanting to respect

the the saviors of their people um but I

also get where you're like "But my mate

is she's hurt hurt right?" And Rahos is

actually he's really scared like it's

not that he's trying to like impose his

will necessarily he is really scared

that she is so hurt and that you know

she's so sick and she's so frail and

weak and all this

um and he's like I don't know why my

Kooie did this [ __ ] like this is the

weakest creature I've ever seen in my

life but she is mine and so I have to

take care of her like she is my

responsibility

um so and we flash back and forth

between Ray Hos and Liz's perspectives

but when we get back to Liz she is

basically getting sicker by the minute

as they're walking through you know all

of this snow um and the the women

watch the there is a creature called a

sakot you know it's a thing it's a big

creature that has the kooey in the heart

and so they have to take down one of

these giant creatures in order to get

the kooey for the women so they watch

the men complete this hunt and Liz grew

up hunting with her dad and is super

experienced in like bow hunting and she

knows about like skinning stuff and

dressing things and like she knows

what's what

so she watches Georgie get the first

cootie um and she's like "Yeah um no I

know from hunting with my father that

parasites are bad." like this is

horrible i don't want one of those like

I'm not doing that without really

understanding that it is the life force

that she needs to make the planet

hospitable to humans right she's like I

don't trust these giant blue dudes like

no

so she starts hobbling away and then is

trying to think of some kind of

alternative like "Okay so if I can't

stay with these blue freaks where am I

going to go how am I going to take care

of myself?" And then all of a sudden

like Rahas shows up and pins her to the

ground and forces a kooey into her which

requires like a cut on the neck and

stuff so he holds her down and does that

yeah it's not like you're just like "Oh

I'm swallowing a worm thingy." It's like

we have to cut you we have to make an

incision

open it and then let this like thing

burrow inside of you yeah and then it

lives in your heart and you know I get

where if you didn't know that you needed

one to live Mhm why it wouldn't interest

you yeah she's like "No the weird

glowing blue tapeworm is not for me

man." Like "No thank you." So she loses

consciousness through this experience

which is normal when somebody gets a

kooey so Ray Hos is like "Listen she is

going to hate me forever but at least

she will survive." like

he knows like he just couldn't let her

die but he she he was like she's already

so mad and clearly doesn't like me like

worst I can do is save her right um

bless him yeah trying he is trying and

he's remembering like he's holding her

um and remembering that his parents

hated each other as well um but they

were all still a family and he's like

maybe me and Liz will be the same like

maybe she won't ever like love me but

you know we'll still have a family maybe

cuz that's all he wants because when he

was a

child his dad kidnapped him and his mom

and like yes spirited them away and the

mom got pregnant again and Rahos was

told like They

basically everybody died like and Rahos

his dad dropped him back off with the

tribe and then disappeared and was never

seen again so he has no family like his

mother his father his younger brother

are all gone and he just wants some

family and somebody that will be there

for him so he my heart I know and for

some

reason poor Ray Hos he decides he's just

going to take her away somewhere until

they're properly mated and then the

tribe can't take her away from him like

he's terrified that like somebody's

going to try to take her away and so he

kidnaps her which is not good it's not

good

yeah intent versus impact right

yeah um and he's like I know that she

thinks I look really scary because of

all of my scars and stuff but I'm just

going to focus on taking care of her and

like eventually her kooey will like

resonate with mine and and then you know

everything's going to be

okay so he takes her to um a secret cave

that he has because he's one of the

hunters for the tribe so he has this

like separate cave that he stays in when

he goes on hunts um and

so when they get there he undresses her

and bathes her and redresses her he's

concerned about her wounds so he's it's

all very clinical he's not doing

anything weird um but he is actually

really obsessed with her hair she's got

like long blonde hair and he's like

"This is amazing." He's like so soft oh

my god so

um he's like I I just want to like touch

her and love her and like mate her but

like she needs to be awake obviously so

like that's good right i just want

cuddles yeah we buried the bar for Ray

Hos but he is trying really

hard um here's the thing i feel like the

bar is not buried

because I can see what his true north is

yeah right and

like that doesn't make any of it okay

i But she's like kidnapping is not okay

but

in this situation I can allow it

so um he decides that he is going to

leave her because she's still

unconscious so that he can go hunt some

food for her um because he knows she's

going to need to eat and he also knows

he maybe shouldn't be alone in this cave

with her while she's unconscious

so Liz then wakes up and immediately

starts to panic and tries to like claw

the kooey out of herself because she's

like "Holy [ __ ] oh my god." And so Ray

Hos ties her up to prevent her from

hurting herself so now she's been

kidnapped and she is bound against her

will and Ray Hos I'm I'm really rooting

for you i know we we really want you to

be successful but

currently we also want you to make

better choices just

generally but Liz also now is

experiencing the resonance so her poo is

going crazy okay and she is big mad

oh buddy she is pissed she's like "Of

course I'm I made it to the angry one."

Like what the [ __ ] she's This is

[ __ ]

and when I read that I was like Liz have

you considered that you are the angry

one and

perhaps

perhaps the kooey was just matching the

vibes like have you considered like all

I'm saying is it seems

like the kooey might have understood

more than you did in this moment maybe a

little bit maybe a little bit so um he

feeds her by hand um because she's still

tied up and she falls back asleep and

when she wakes up he's gone again and

she is

untied she is so horny she feels like

she's going to die and so she starts

masturbating two thoughts of Rahos and

of course as she calls his name he

appears in the cave entrance

um so Ray Hos is also pissed and horny

um is that part of like they have to

like claim their mate and they'll just

keep getting hornier until it happens

yeah or am I just making that up yeah so

the kooey resonance like apparently

triggers arousal and if you don't give

in to that arousal it will just increase

consume you yes

because um a huge part of why the kooey

resonates is because it's a a fertile

mate that matches you and so it

basically the kooey is saying like these

two will make strong offspring and so so

the kooey is not saying the angry one

also needs an angry one it's just saying

you're like they will make the angriest

offspring

it's just saying the angry one needs a

fertile one is

really um and this one will be your

fertile

one i don't know why I didn't like that

so much i didn't really like it either

but it already happened so

so Ray Hos is also still really angry

and very horny and he really doesn't

understand why she keeps pushing him

away

um she's like he he's like "We're mates

like we're resonating doesn't she feel

it like I don't get it." Um and I didn't

slice her open and put a parasite in her

for nothing i didn't kidnap her from my

tribe for no reason you guys

so he is standing there like "Are you

[ __ ] for real oh my god I'm so

horny." And she's like still touching

herself she hasn't stopped but she's

like "Do not come near me." And he's

like "All right." So he just starts

touching

himself and which feels like a

reasonable response given the situation

he's like "Okay." So he just whips his

dick out which I get and so then um she

just keeps going on and on about how

much she hates him how much she is not

attracted to him and doesn't want to be

doing this and like and has no idea he

can understand everything none

whatsoever like she still thinks that

they don't speak the same language at

all um so he's like "Maybe this is like

part of human mating cuz she's into

it but her words don't match." And he's

like "We don't need to speak the same

language to understand that body

language girl." Hey and he's like "I

just want to make her happy so if that's

what she needs to do I get it that's

okay like she can tell me how much she

hates me that's cool

it's really sad actually it's like if

that's what being a family is right well

because again his parents really hated

each other

um so he calls out her name as he comes

and then um she immediately like backs

up um onto the first that he had set up

and like turns away from him

so Liz wakes up the next morning with

Rahos like all cuddled up behind her and

she is

like "I hate you so

bad but you're really

warm and really cute

actually."

And and maybe my Kooie did know a thing

or two yeah and like he does these

little like teasing things where like he

offers her water and she goes to try to

take it and he like pulls it back and

like she's like "Well that's cute." Cuz

he's like trying to be playful with her

um but it's like pissing her off that

he's so cute so

um Liz is really excited um to go

hunting with him because that was

something she did with her dad and her

father had passed away a few years

before she was abducted so she hasn't

really been hunting since then

um and so she really wants to go with

him but Rahos leaves the cave without

her and points to her feet because she

doesn't have any shoes and he's like

"You you can't come." Like "Yeah like

I'm not trying to be an [ __ ] and Yeah

oppress women but but you're barefoot

and your toes are broken." Yeah he's

like "This isn't like a I'm the hunter."

Right right right the lady must wait for

me but what are you going to do you

don't have shoes and this is a literal

ice planet yeah mhm so she's really

pissed that he has left her behind again

but Rahos this whole time he's been

hunting food for her um and he has been

really overwhelmed thinking about how

his whole life he's never really been

wanted and now his mate doesn't want him

and he's like well I guess that's just

my lot in life yeah he's like I guess

that's just the way it is like you know

my mother did not want to be mated to my

father she was in love with somebody

else and reminded me and him of that

pretty often and um you know my father I

got injured and I wasn't worth the

trouble to him so he just like abandoned

me with the tribe and like they were all

nice to me and like took care of me but

like they I was just an extra mouth like

I wasn't ever like I didn't belong to

anybody

um and so when he gets back from hunting

food for her he finds her trying to make

pants because the other thing that had

happened was when the hunters came they

brought clothing for all of the women um

because they knew they didn't have

anything and so Liz had been given this

like long leather skirt thing and so

she's been like cutting it and trying to

sew it into pants um

Liz is spirited yeah she's really she's

going to do it she might not do it well

and she'll probably regret it but she's

going to do it and likely loudly oh yeah

yeah you'll know she's doing it and

you'll know she's pissed at you while

she is doing it um so he is um

intentionally not giving her shoes

because he's scared she's going to run

away um but she just has

a constant running commentary going

because again she has no idea that he

understands her and so she's just like

you know it's so crazy that I prefer my

meat raw instead of cooked now maybe

it's the kooey and she's like just

constantly

talking um and

he feeds her by hand um and is just

really enjoying taking care of her and

then um all of a sudden like he like

goes to caress her cheek or something

and she goes

nope like like that and he goes is this

a mating word he's like I'm so confused

nope by the noob okay not the same by

any stretch of the

imagination however back in my grad

school days uh I was on staff at a

church in

Texas and uh was good friends with the

band and would like sing with him for

like winter like weekend retreats and

things like that but there was one time

when they all went out to dinner and the

food had just been served and so they're

like "Hey everyone let's just like pray

for our meal real fast which like fine."

So the guy who said it "Everyone bows

their heads." And this is like a crowded

like busy restaurant and he just starts

going "Father God."

like and one of the other guys with his

head still bowed hands still together

just goes "Nope." Like "Cut off

the He's like "We're not doing that."

Listen Jesus gets it you don't have to

yell we can pray for the food but you're

not going to pull this [ __ ]

man everybody be cool this is why nobody

enjoys Christians at a restaurant

because they make it weird and they're

terrible tippers

i was about to say we can't forget the

tipping and then you got there well when

I waited tables that was always the

worst like I literally had people leave

me like a like a pamphlet for prayer as

a tip like a prayer pamphlet oh wow i

was like "Cool this will definitely pay

my rent later

maybe I'll pray about

it it's like you are not drawing me into

the church here my freshman year of high

school I went it's the only year that I

went to a private Christian school and

um someone asked me if I was going to

the prayer club meeting and I said "I'll

pray about it." And they didn't love

that joke i liked it and that's why I

left the school not true at all

she's like "Long and the short of it

didn't fit into the prayer

club." No I So I was at home this week

and I had just gotten out of the shower

and it was like a

10:30ish in the morning maybe and

somebody rang my doorbell and I am a

millennial so I was like "Nope I won't

be doing that." Um because I'm not

expecting anyone and anybody that I

would want to speak to would text or

call first and they probably wouldn't

show up at my house yep

so I was like "Yeah I'm not doing that."

And my hair was wet and I had like

barely gotten dressed out of the shower

and then somebody knocked on the door

like the cops like bang bang bang bang

and I was like "What the fuck?" I was

like "Is this a delivery of something?"

Cuz Matt had had like some electronics

delivered earlier in the week i was like

"Did he order more

stuff?" Nope it was Jehovah's Witnesses

coming to ask if they could pray with me

and I was like "No thank you." Like

Hannah imagine if you had been in

session oh I know i know i was pissed

what i was pissed and this this woman

was like "My friend here and I were just

coming around to share the love of the

Lord with our neighbors would it be okay

if I pray with you?" And I was like "No

thank you." And she went "Oh oh um could

I leave you with a pamphlet?" And I said

"Sure thing you guys be safe thanks so

much." And just close the door

yeah do you remember that meme that was

going around a while ago where like the

friends were texting and he was like

"Tell your tell your girlfriend Merry

Christmas." And he's like "She's a

Jehovah's Witness." And he's like "Oh I

forgot tell her knock for me."

That is a good one yeah that is a good

one but she said she like slid cuz I

didn't open my screen door even cuz I

also had my dog that I was trying to

prevent from running out the door and

she like slid me this pamphlet and she

was like "You can use your home Bible to

follow along." And I was like "Thank you

so

much." So awkward i once found a

pamphlet uh in a Olive Garden bathroom

that just said "When I die I'm going to

H." And then the rest of it was a blank

line for you to fill

in and then you opened it and it shared

the love of

Christ as he intended to be found in the

Olive Garden bathroom

unlimited soup salad and bread sticks

right

and the Lord Holy Spirit unlimited Holy

Spirit um so

anyway so um she says nope and like

backs away from him and he's still not

engaging with her like verbally so she

still still is believing that he has no

idea what she's saying and that he can't

communicate so

um she decides to initiate a language

lesson um and so she like touches his

chest to say like you know name Ray Hash

and then he goes to touch her chest and

he's essentially like groping her boob

um and so she smacks

him to like get him off of her and my

notes say "Jok's on her he's into that

shit." Because he was like "If this is

human mating ritual I am enjoying it."

Okay he's like "All right who would have

thought?" So

um Liz then like she's growing

increasingly anxious being stuck in this

cave with him and um feeling more and

more like she's going to give in to this

kooey mating thing and so she decides to

make an escape plan so she needs to make

shoes and she needs to make a bow um so

that she can hunt and keep herself alive

and you know what i will say this Liz is

a resourceful [ __ ] she really is

i would not do that well if I were

abducted and dumped on an ice planet

i've read like five of these now and I

was like I would have done been dead oh

my god like they're like tanning furs

and making leather and planting crops

and like learning to hunt and like lest

we forget you already have to be able to

hunt to get the life force to sustain

you yeah i'd have done been dead for a

long time like it would not have been

for me like no chance no chance

um so kudos to Liz is she a real one out

here she's like "I'm making my own pants

and shoes and I'm going to go kill some

[ __ ] and I will survive." Yeah

she said "I don't need no man." So the

next day when Rahos gets home from

hunting he is highly suspicious because

Liz isn't talking and doesn't put up a

fight when he feeds her

she's just super compliant and quiet liz

you can't you can't change like that no

and she even lets him like snuggle with

her a little bit that night um and he's

like "What is she up to?" Like the whole

time rhos ain't no fool no he knows

what's up so he wakes up when she is

sneaking out of bed but he pretends to

stay asleep um cuz he finds it really

cute that she's trying to be so sneaky

he's like

a Um and so yeah I like that it's not

even like he was waiting up to see what

she might do he was just like I'll hear

her yeah yeah he's like it's not going

to work so um he follows her she steals

his shoes

um and his spear and she goes out to the

trees nearby i mean stealing his shoes

will take significantly less time than

making her own yes but um so he's

impressed by like how determined she is

he's not even mad about it he's like "My

mate is incredible i'm so proud of her."

He's like "I could have had a [ __ ] ass

mate who just sits there mine wants to

do dope [ __ ] hell yeah baby be sneaky

boo so Liz is actually looking for

material to make a bow so she is not

actually escaping yet she's just like

gathering supplies to be able to

escape so she finds her way to this

river and she sees some bamboo stuff

growing out of the river and she's like

"That would probably make a pretty good

bow actually."

So um as she is reaching for it she

hears Rahos screaming her name and um

that's when she sees that there is in

fact a face attached to the bamboo um

cool yeah yeah yeah yeah there's a big

old monster in there and it wants to eat

her face so Ray Hos has like taken off

to get to her and like tackles her to

the ground so I mean I will say Liz is

resourceful but Liz also has the hubris

of being a seasoned hunter not that all

seasoned hunters are have hubris have

hubris but just like But she's on an

unfamiliar planet yeah like there's a

lot you don't know yeah yeah so he kills

the fish like pulls it out of the water

mhm and kills it and I you you got to

watch out for those bamboo river fish

right monster fish that will eat you

what was that show River Monsters did

you ever watch that no oh my god so

there was this guy who was like a

professional fisherman and I think it

was on the maybe Discovery Channel but

he would go to like the Amazon or like

some kind of extremely

remote denial i think he did a few times

and he would go on these fishing trips

and just like see what's in there and he

would catch like the wildest things and

I was like "Yeah that's what I thought

of." Is now a good time to tell you that

I've never been fishing in my entire

life oh my god really i think I've been

once and it was at

Disney that

counts does it that counts like when my

I was talking to a friend of mine whose

husband was on a bachelor party and

she's like "Yeah he just sent me a

picture fishing in the Keys pretty sure

the captain of the boat show some throw

some chum in the water to make the

tourists feel good about themselves i

don't think this was of his own doing."

And I was like "Still counts." Yeah i'm

like I mean he did still catch it but

way to keep him humble

yeah m yeah I would die so fast on this

planet right well here's the thing i

might if I could resonate with someone

oh man that I I just need to [ __ ] it up

to stay on the planet i was going to say

I tend to be sometimes like Liz a little

bit where I can be a little sometimes

harsh and sarcastic and I talk a lot

occasionally

not nearly to the point of Liz because

at the beginning of this I was like I

get it Liz like I really do and then

towards the end of the book I was like

oh honey I do feel like that is ringing

a bell where I was like I remember like

finding Liz a little annoying at

different parts yeah but like I would

have to

really just smile and be so cute about

it like I hope you find my frail slow

death adorable cuz that's all I have to

offer that's literally all I have to

offer you right now well I'm like I'm

sorry i am not going out in search of

thing like I'm like I know nothing about

this ice cold planet also I grew up in

Florida i'm not made for the ice cold no

no I do i will say because of growing up

in Florida I can confidently say that I

would not approach the water and touch

anything in it yes um but that didn't

afford me other survival skills so

um but as this is all happening Ray Hos

is coming to the rescue liz is so turned

on by this she's like I'm going to die

like she's so horny um and

somehow don't ask me how cuz I'm not

sure but he starts eating her

out like pins her to the snow and just

like goes

in and the entire time she is telling

him that she doesn't want him to do that

and she hates him and she still thinks

he's terrible

um poor Ray Hush yeah

so she comes he's still going for it

because their tongues the blue alien

tongues have

ridges there's a lot of texture

happening that she's really into right

now um and she tries to push him away

because she's so sensitive and he growls

mine and like goes back in and she's

like "That's hot." And then she's like

"Wait a minute was that English what the

[ __ ]

so she's really bad

mine while eating her out was the word

that broke the camel's back on that one

yeah and Rahos is like "Why is she upset

did I do it wrong did I not bring her

pleasure?"

She seemed to enjoy it yeah and she's

like "You lied to me." And he was like

"No."

And she's like "Yes you didn't tell me

you could speak English." And he said he

was like "You you never asked me you

just talked to me a lot and I am a quiet

person." So I listened

i learned a lot about you and I've

learned some about human mating rituals

that I don't really understand but that

maybe we should unlearn um but

um he literally says like it's not my

fault that you talk so

much like he's like it's just I don't

feel like that's that's on me you know

incredible liz maybe we need to look in

the mirror incredible right so um he had

ripped her pants off you know she worked

so hard to make them and so um he offers

her his like loin cloth thing and she's

like "No." with like all this disgust on

her face and he's like "Oh she doesn't

want me to be naked because she thinks

I'm so ugly i'm so unattractive cuz I'm

so scarred up." Um and so eventually

like he gets her back to the cave and

everything and she confronts him and is

like "You are literally just keeping me

here until you get me pregnant like

that's all you're doing because you've

decided that or our kooey have decided

that we're mated and that's what this is

all about like you don't actually care

about me like you just want me to have

your kids um and he's like

"Yeah like I I do want you to have my

kids i I am keeping you here until I get

you

pregnant." And he does not understand

why she is so upset he's like "The kooey

decides like we don't decide like it's

not my fault we vibrated at the same

time right like what?" Like the kooey

said so so now we're mates i don't

understand why you're struggling with

this like obviously this is how it

works um so at this point Liz just feels

completely defeated and just really sad

and alone um and she says you know this

all of my choices are being taken away

again like my choices were taken away

when I was abducted my choices were

taken away when I was dumped on this

planet my choices were taken away when

you forced this cootie on me and now my

my choices are being taken away again

all because of my stupid vagina like I

hate it

here and um

he's like I don't that's not it though

like he does not

understand where she's coming from at

all and he's really trying because he

can tell how upset she is um yeah like

this isn't him like being obtuse or

controlling like he legitimately like

culturally in their society like chosen

mates is really not a thing so he's like

the kooey said like that means it's done

um so after some rest and some space

away um Liz decides that she's going to

try to actually talk to him mhm and

maybe get to know him a little bit she's

stuck here with him anyway and she

discovers that he's just really lonely

like he always goes and hunts by himself

away from the tribe and spends a lot of

time away from them because he doesn't

feel like he belongs there and he feels

like he's constantly earning his place

by providing food for the tribe so he's

just always out by himself hunting

and he also is really worried that she

thinks that he's really ugly and he's

like "I'm really sorry about this like

all my scars and stuff." And she's like

"No like that's not it at all." And she

then shares her part of like humans

choose mates this whole like fate kooey

thing is not how we do it and I'm having

a hard time like adjusting to everything

which is also valid right well and she's

like "Please understand like I was

abducted out of my bed i was probed and

held in a cargo bay where the other

women and I were intermittently abused

and not really fed and then we fell on

this planet like I'm just I'm having a

hard time." like and so he's like

starting to understand more of where

she's coming from and eventually agrees

to take her hunting if she agrees to

spend the night with him as

mates and she's like "So you're

blackmailing me into having sex with you

right now like that's pretty [ __ ] up."

And he's like "No no I just want to hold

you like mates do that's it."

And

so my notes say he's basically touch

starved which isn't in the book but like

that's kind of what I got was that like

Yeah he didn't have any softness or like

it wasn't part of the culture for the

men to be like holding each other or

hugging each other or anything

um so she agrees um and so she then

makes a bow and arrow and like shows him

how it works and they're teaching each

other and that's great um but then when

it is finally time for bed she says no

sex um and he says

"Understood oral all

around." Um and that is when um he

reveals that he's a virgin as well um

because there are a very limited cuz

like you said at the beginning they're

their numbers are dwindling the tribe is

dying so there's only like four adult

women in the tribe and because of all of

his scars and because he's kind of

growly none of them were ever interested

in hooking up with him so it just never

happened so um they snuggle all night

great sleep for everybody and

um so he's getting increasingly

frustrated the next morning because Liz

continuously denies that they are mates

like he will call her mate and she's

like no and he's like but we are because

the kooey said so like I I understand

more of where you're coming from i'm I

get that this is a big transition and it

doesn't change the fact that the kooey

has spoken right we are still mates what

part are you not understanding so

previously when she did not know that he

could understand her she was like

babbling babbling babbling and called

him a dick and was like I guess that's

just you know who you people are like

that's the song of your people is a

bunch of dicks out here and so that

morning she then calls him a dick and he

goes "The song of my people." And she's

like "Yep you got it." Like "Good

job." Um but they finally go on a hunt

um and he's super impressed by how

clever she is and how great she is at

all of this

um and clearly skilled at it for sure

yeah um and so she also tells him that

if they catch something on this hunt

that um he can help her bathe later so

um

he's like challenge is accepted highly

motivated yeah so um they're having a

lot of fun like teaching each other new

hunting techniques

um and

um Rahos spots a creature like down a

big ridge thing and so he goes looking

for a way to get down there and while he

is away from her this

furry furby Ewok looking thing shows up

and um it's small and so she's like "Is

it is this a a baby thing?" She's like

"Hey." Like I'm not trying to touch you

or anything i'm just like "Hey."

Well it's really not good cuz she's like

if this is a young one there's probably

grownup ones around and there in fact

are there's like 20 of them um and these

are called metlacs and they are known

for like descending in a horde and

ripping things apart like hunters prey

whatever once again cool cool okay not a

good situation to find ourselves in no

so Rahos like he sees what is happening

and as he's coming back he tells Liz to

run he's like just run and she's like no

like I'm not leaving you here um and so

he is in full panic but also so proud

because she's like knocking she only has

four arrows I think but she's knocking

them and like taking these things out

and she's got a knife and she's just

like fighting so hard but he realizes

like they're going to be overrun like

this is not going to be successful even

though she has killed several and he has

killed several um they are still vastly

outnumbered in the situation right so he

sees the only option being he grabs as

many of them as he can like five or six

of them and flings himself off of the

ridge to give her a chance to run

um and he's like I'm really like on the

way down he's like well I never got to

like be with her or claim her but she's

safe and she's alive and I did my job as

her mate i protected her and so it then

he hits and we flash back to Liz who is

screaming and there are only a few of

the creatures left so she eventually is

able to get away um and makes her way

back down to

Rahos and he landed on one of the Furby

things she doesn't know what they're

called so she calls them Furby things um

and his leg is at like the wrong angle

and he is covered in blood but he's

still breathing and so and she didn't

she went and found him she did she did

not abandon him she was cuz she saw what

he did for her like and so um she

desperately wants him to wake up cuz

she's like I need to tell him that I

don't hate him and that he's like the

most handsome man I've ever seen and

like that I'm sorry like I need him to

wake up m um and

so um she's like this is my time to show

him that he can count on me like I am

going to rescue him from this he is

going to survive this period and so she

uses her clothes and some random pink

wispy tree things to make a sled and

pulls him like the three miles back to

their cave damn Liz yep and she is a

complete mess by the time she makes it

back um but Rahos wakes up eventually

and he's like "Just leave me here." Like

"Please just leave me." And um that just

makes her mad because that's her default

and she's like "No." She is quick to

anger yeah so she's like "No I'm not

leaving you and you better get better

because if you don't you won't [ __ ] me

but if you do get better you get to [ __ ]

me." So get better idiot motivated

like what so um girl math you know yeah

I get it so Ray Hos then wakes up to Liz

moving about their cabin and taking care

of him um and she is immediately on him

checking his wounds making sure that

she's okay um and he

is like not interested in her feeding

him and stuff he's like "You said if I

woke up and got better that we could do

it and I'm

awake and I'm trying to get it fulfill

your promises." Yeah yeah yeah i woke up

like I did it

um so

um his kooey is also like seems to be

getting increasingly frustrated and is

like vibrating violently it's like so

you know so I threw myself off a ridge

for you and you told me I could [ __ ] you

let me [ __ ] you already right but then

like after he has a moment he realizes

Liz does not look so good um

and she tells him that she's been caring

for him by herself for 10 days so she's

been going out and hunting and bringing

food back and like making broth out of

things to give him and like she's been

doing all this herself for all this time

yeah so okay i forgot that it was like

that long it's a long time yeah not like

he

like not like in some books where it's

like they like fall asleep and go into a

coma and then like wake up 12 hours

later with a raging boner i mean I still

think he woke up with a boner but Mhm

that's his kooey

we can't blame the boy

um so Liz is continuing to shut Ray Hos

down but she is also like getting

increasingly horny mhm um and so when he

falls back asleep she decides to take

like a quick sponge bath cuz she feels

really

gross um but when she goes to scrub her

legs which means she is bending over um

Ray Hos just shows up behind her and

starts eating her

out he's like "Oh hello." And like gets

in it fancy meeting you here yeah yeah

um and so she tries to tell him like

"You need to rest." And he's like "I

need to [ __ ] my mate." Like

um so he eats her out till she comes

flips her over and immediately just goes

in the aliens have a spur on the top of

their dicks which looks in my imagining

like one of those rabbit

toys yep so like the little spur as they

call it is perfect for clitoreral

stimulation um and

so she's into it but he immediately like

freezes up cuz he's like "Oh my god did

I hurt you like are you okay?" And she's

like "These are good sounds please

move." Like you're killing me right now

you know the whole time I was saying "I

hate you don't touch me while letting

you eat me out." Maybe it's a mating

thing no no no these are the mating

things these are the Right right right i

understand that I've confused

you i'm being serious now let me clarify

right um so they go at it all night ray

Hos is basically like "This is the best

thing that's ever happened to him he's

never been so happy in his whole life."

um and he is planning on keeping her in

this cave until she is visibly pregnant

so no one can take her from

him so Liz

um as they're laying there the next day

Liz is like "We did it wrong." And he's

like "We made it wrong what did I do?"

He's like "I thought I did it right."

What he's like "It felt pretty right."

Yeah i mean I was pretty into it you

seem pretty into it and so she tries to

explain foreplay to him and um so she's

like "You gotta like you know touch my

boobs or something." And so he like

honks one tit and is like "Did I do the

foreplay?" He's like "Did I do

it?" Like a conservative Christian

wedding night yeah literally literally i

read that touching the boobs is good so

I touched them

i am following the

steps to reach maximum arousal mhm mhm

yep so we honked one boob and believe it

or not that didn't get that didn't do it

it didn't get her wet so she's like "No

that's not foreplay." And he goes

"Oh this is where the nope that's where

we use it." And so he goes "Nope." And

she's like "Excuse me?" He's like

"That's what you did the first time I

grabbed your boob." Right he's like

"This is the foreplay word." But then

she gets more mad and so she explains

some more and eventually like she then

calls him babe which pisses him off he's

like "I'm not a child." And she's like

"It's a term of endear." Like it's a lot

of like even though they technically

understand each other now they still

don't understand each other really um

and it's all pretty funny and adorable

eventually um and then they just [ __ ]

some more and they're having a good time

um so

eventually they go out hunting again um

Ray Hos is really hoping that Liz is

already knocked up um but as they are

hiking um someone calls out to them and

Rahos starts to panic and tries to like

take Liz back to the cave um but it's

his people and so he's like gripping

Liz's hand um and telling her like "They

will not take you from me." And she's

like "What are you talking about like

why would they take me away from you

like I don't get it."

So she tries to calm him down um and the

two hunters have been looking for them

because they are aware that a storm is

coming and so they've been like "Listen

like you guys have been gone a long time

and this storm is coming and we couldn't

leave you guys out here like we've been

looking but like we've been really

looking because this could be bad." Um

and there is a lot of tension that Liz

does not really understand but Rahos

eventually agrees and

so when they make camp one night like

one of the guys keeps saying like "We're

here to protect you Liz like that's why

we're here." And she's like "Protect me

from what?" It It's all It's a lot but

eventually she starts to understand that

the men think that Rahos has been doing

things against her will and so when they

make camp that night

um she

um she decides that she is well and this

is actually when we learn about Rahos's

family i revealed that too early but one

of the hunters tells Liz about it um I

mean it's it's when Liz is learning

about it is learning about it but Rahos

has been alluding to it in his

perspective this whole time um and so

she feels really sad for him that you

know that's been his experience and she

actually feels like genuine joy when he

comes back from you know hunting with

one of the other

guys and so that night she takes Rahos

to bed and the others are like "No you

need to stay by us." like and she's like

"No I don't think you get it i'm going

to sleep with my mate." So and come back

the [ __ ] off right so she finds a spot

that has like just enough

privacy um and Rahos is super confused

because he's like "I thought that humans

didn't like it when

like we did it in public." Like they

like vectal was really clear oh yeah cuz

Veal yes and Georgie kept having to be

like "Bro we are in it we are surrounded

i am not trying to get it right

now." But Liz clearly is and so Rahos is

like "I don't understand what is

happening." So Liz winds up blowing him

and then she tells him like

"Listen I wanted the others to know I

was into it."

Like like I wanted to give you pleasure

and I wanted to make sure they were

aware right yeah she's like I I wanted

to blow you some but really more than

that I wanted to prove a point yeah yeah

so then Ray is like "I love you this is

amazing."

Um and then um they fall

asleep so they eventually get back to

the tribal caves where the whole tribe

is um and everyone is so excited to see

Liz because she's been gone for weeks

now and they've been really worried

about her um well and also the last time

they all saw each other they were all

getting sliced open right and like

knocking on death's door yes yeah so

everybody is so excited that she's back

but Liz is like "The vibes are wrong

like I don't know what's going on." Um

and she's back right and she is very

loud like as loud as possible that Ray

Hos has taken very good care of her like

he has been very kind to her that you

know um

you know all of that kind of stuff but

they are separated like he gets taken um

to the chief to Vectal and she gets

taken to the healer and

Georgie Val's mate is very insistent

that she get checked by the healer and

Liz is like why would I need to be

checked by the healer i'm fine like Ray

Hos really has taken care of me like I

don't get it there was no funny business

outside of the funny business i

explicitly asked for right um and

Georgie tells her that Rahos is in like

extreme trouble he basically broke their

only law by taking her and so um Liz

also finds out when visiting the healer

that she is in fact pregnant

and um when they go back into the rest

of the the cave um everyone is talking

about Liz in the alien language but she

keeps recognizing her name m and so she

gets increasingly pissed and snaps her

fingers in front of Veal's face while he

is speaking and says um that he can

speak about her in a language that she

can understand and she can bring him her

mate right now or she is going to flip

the [ __ ] out she's like I don't think

they get it but they're going to get it

just to be clear

and so they finally bring him back to

her and she's sobbing her eyes out um

and um telling him that you know she's

pregnant

and all of this other stuff and then um

the others tell her "We're going to take

you to the bachelorette cave," which is

what they're calling the cave where all

the humans are staying together the

unmated humans um and she's like "Why

i don't need to be in the bachelorette

cave i'm not a bachelorette right i have

a mate and they're like "Oh we gave his

cave to a different mated couple." And

she's like "Why would you do that?"

Valid question like I don't get it look

me in the eye when you tell me you gave

our cave away right she's like "I am

really ready to throw hands." She She

Here's the thing a strong breeze and Liz

is willing to throw hands and I feel

like that's the part that I sort of

identified with because I was thinking

about how often I would be like I I'll

drive across country i don't even care

they can catch hands when we were

working together

so I hope that I am so we were answering

administrative support emails and you're

like this [ __ ]

okay i'm like hey Hannah you don't need

to take your earrings out you're working

remotely from North Georgia

you ain't fighting

nobody but I do also vividly remember

that one day I had someone coming at me

and you were like "Chelsea they're in

Atlanta we can hop in the

car." I was like "They're not that far

we can get there i'll pick you up on the

way."

You are in route i will cut a [ __ ]

and I feel like that's the part I

identify with about Liz i hope that I am

not actually as mean and terrible as she

is because she gets worse towards the

end of the book

because Ray Hos is so excited that she's

pregnant and so happy for her and they

get you know privacy in the Bachelorette

cave for the night um and they snuggle

and it's really sweet and everything and

he's very attentive and and lovely um

but then they get woken up in the

morning by Veal and Georgie um and

several others and Beal says "Um listen

Ray Hos I gave you the night to say

goodbye to your mate but it's time like

you have to go." And Liz is like "Excuse

me I'm sorry." Liz is like "The [ __ ]

you're banishing my mate?" Uh-huh so he

is being exiled from the tribe um for

taking her for basically it's for

putting her in danger because Veil's

like "Listen like what if she had

rejected the Kooie what if like her

kooey needed assistance with healing

what like you took her and put her in

grave danger and that is not okay

so

um Liz is like "Oh okay well that's fine

we've been living on our own we'll just

go live on our own." And Val is like "No

you don't understand you stay with the

tribe you can't go you're pregnant like

you need the protection of the tribe."

and she's like "No I need the protection

of my mane." Right um so it's actually a

very like emotional scene like they get

pulled apart and she's just like

screaming for him and he's screaming for

her and it's just very intense

um so Liz this is now the following day

she is livid um and um Rahos has been

sitting on a ridge all night watching

the cave entrance um because that's as

close as they will allow him to be um

and so she continues to like go check um

to see if he's still there and they will

not allow her to be alone because

they're afraid that she's going to run

to him

well they might have learned a couple

things along the way yeah I mean they

were correct but um the other women are

you know trying to comfort comfort her

and you know let her know everything's

going to be okay but Liz is she's just

mad and hateful to all of the other

women until they leave her alone m um

and um she just basically like one of

the other girls the girl with the

translator um is closest to her and so

they bunk together and Liz just cries

all night um before running out to puke

the next morning because morning

sickness is a thing um and

um Veal has a hunter following Liz like

he is now assigned someone essentially

to stalk her um and his name is Ahao or

something like that and he's the next

book I think um but he is obsessed with

the girl with the translator so he's

watching her but he's really watching

Kira like

um so um Georgie tells Liz that Vectal

is actually extremely upset about this

entire situation he grew up with Rahos

that's essentially his brother um and

it's really killing him but Vectal is

terrified that if he lets Ray Hos get

away with this that the other single

hunters will just take off with human

women until they resonate and he he's

trying to protect all the women right

valid concern right

but making an example out of Ray Hos

won't won't change the Kooie's plans

right and also Ray Hos was already

resonating it wasn't like he took her in

the hopes that she would and so Liz is

like "It's not the same." And Georgie's

like "It is literally close enough do

you really want to risk the well-being

of all these other women like come on."

You know which is a shitty thing to put

on Liz to be like it really is well you

being with your mate puts everyone else

in jeopardy do you really want to do

that mhm

um Georgie also reveals that Vectal has

been um considering matching her up with

a widowerower who might be willing to

take on a mate and a child and don't do

her any favors liz was like "Excuse me I

have a mate." Like who the [ __ ] do you

people think you are right now also it's

not it's not like Ray Hos has passed

away right he's literally sitting

outside the door yeah and he's been gone

for a day he's been gone for a day

you're like I know you just learned that

you're pregnant with your literal

mates's child but we found a nice

widowerower

who might take you on right what right

so Liz is livid okay you know I am in

agreement with her temper on this one

yeah yeah so um Ray Hos Liz also learns

has been dropping off kills for her

every few hours like he has been hunting

for 24 hours because he wants to make

sure that she and the baby are fed and

okay um and so Liz loses her [ __ ] she's

like "My mate is already taking care of

me i don't need some rando to do me the

favor of taking me and my baby on i

already have someone willing to take

care of me like this is [ __ ] who I

also want to be with right so um Georgie

is like "Well I talked him out of it

like Veal's not going to do it like I I

I really I'm trying for you like he has

to think of what's best for the tribe

georgie be a batter bitch." I know so

Liz basically Georgie is like I I am on

your side but he is my mate and this is

not a culture I understand it's not a

culture you understand like I have to

default to what he thinks is best and

Liz is basically like you can go [ __ ]

yourself like she's like thank you but

also [ __ ] off yeah and you can default

to what he thinks is best but I am not

his mate right so a couple of nights

later Liz decides she's going to sneak

out but the hunter is still watching her

and follows but she's like I just please

let me see him please and he's like

listen I'll do it but you have to tell

him to leave because he's killing

himself cuz he still has not slept or

eaten he's just hunting to make sure

that you're safe and okay so he's like

he is killing himself he is my friend

please tell him to go please like I

can't watch this anymore i'll let you

see him but only to tell him that like

right we we need to make better

healthier choices yeah and Liz is like

"Sure thing she's not going to do that

shit." Um so love that they even

considered that she would i know right

like have you spoken to Liz no so um Ray

Hos is not eating or sleeping um and he

is just he's like "If I can't be there

for them I'm going to be there for them

in whatever way I can." And um so he's

got this singular-minded focus on like

hunting and providing and so he sees Liz

and Ahiko

um coming and he like takes off running

at them and Liz is like "Listen I have a

plan and our family is going to be

together but you have got to take care

of yourself you have to sleep you have

to eat because I am getting us all back

together but you have to survive to do

that." And he is like "And if you are

acting this erratic they will my plan

will not work." Like right so he's like

"Okay if that's if that's what Liz wants

me to do I will eat and

sleep." It's so sad oh sweet Ray Hos so

Liz is becoming like increasingly

desperate and so she is sewing major

discord in the tribe like it made me

think of on Brooklyn 999 when they were

going to start the whisper campaign like

that's literally what she's doing like

starting [ __ ] with the humans of like

they're feeding you rats it's because

you don't know any better and they think

it's funny that you're so stupid and so

like some of the girls are now refusing

to eat and like she's just like [ __ ]

[ __ ] up and so she was like

"Veal I will I will not make this easy i

will choose violence whatever horrible

thing you thought might happen by

letting my mate stay it's going to be

worse by keeping my mate out yeah she is

going to burn this mother to the ground

so she's also very intentionally

offending the aliens who are trying to

court

her because they're leaving her gifts

and doing and she's like "Oh thank you."

and like giving it away to somebody else

and like that's making the person

receiving the gift really uncomfortable

because it was supposed to be a mating

gift and it's like deeply awkward for

everybody and Liz is just like middle

fingers in the air i don't give a [ __ ]

like she's just going for it you know

there's something to be admired about i

know how bold she is in that regard and

but what bothered me so much was that

she was hurting the other human women i

was like

like I get it

but like I don't love that but it is

also kind of amusing well yeah cuz it's

like funny but it's also like does the

end like for her I I she does think that

the end justifies the means but also

like does it you you do have to consider

that like other people exist right like

the this world and this planet do not

revolve around you

and so she is realizing she is going to

have to do

something

extreme because none of this is working

and it is because she's pregnant like

they will not like they have been so

concerned about their numbers and their

health as a community that they are not

going to put out a pregnant woman like

it's just not going to happen and she's

like "Bet i'm going to lure the hunter

who's been uh stalking me and I'm gonna

kidnap him and take him

hostage and then they'll have to exile

me so So my plan is to get exiled with

my exiled mate yeah she's like "Bet you

won't let me go and you won't let him be

here i will make you invite me to leave

with prejudice."

So with that so she says some has to be

out of the cave for some reason like

come with me whatever and then she pulls

a knife and puts it to his throat and

tells the other human who happened to be

with them to go back to the cave with

her

demands and

so the hunter is actually a haiko he is

totally chill and he's like "This is a

great plan let's hang out." And so they

just like sit down on their furs they

just kick it they're just chilling and

he is asking how to court a human

because he's in love with Kira and he's

like "So what do I do?" And Liz because

she just can't help herself she's like

"Well humans do this thing where uh when

men are trying to court women they give

them a perfect model of their dick

because how else can a woman know if

they really want to mate with somebody

like they need to be able to test the

merchandise you know?" Okay but that was

a competition on Love

Island like one of the games they

played well cuz they had all of the they

had both partners do it so they had like

the girls make what they thought their

partner's dicks looked like and then

they had the guys make what they thought

their I didn't watch it i only heard

about it on Blue Sky like I read about

it so Oh no i I watched that [ __ ] in

real

time and then they whoever's was the

most

similar one but it was really funny

because not everyone had like touched or

seen each other's dick it was a pretty

runchy like there were some seasons

early on where they like didn't have a

drink limit and like things were wild

but he was known for having a pencil

dick they're like it's long and it's

thin and so they both like if I remember

correctly they won because she knew that

she was like yeah I've heard it's long

and it's thin he's known for having a

pencil dick that is what I based this on

and incredible all I can say is their

parents must be so proud and

now like okay straight there's a new

season of Love Island happening right

now there's a heart rate competition

so they all wear heart monitors and then

someone from the opposite sex like all

of the guys are sitting around the fire

pit one girl will come out she'll be

wearing lingerie we'll like dance all up

on all of them and then whoever like

raises the heart rate the most wins

there was one

couple Hannah I felt uncomfortable

and I don't like that's a that's a high

bar i'm like this is like straight porn

like what is like he had her flipped

upside down holding her like they were

like 69ing like level like with him

stand I'm like and all I could think of

was if Ford ever goes on a reality

show and acts a fool like that

liz will look

tame compared to how I will respond if

my son shows out like

that on tele like like I was texting

having a kid really does change your

perspective on that sort of thing

doesn't it oh my god like well I'll say

this I was even texting a friend who

does not have kids and she was like

Chelsea what the hell was that she's

like "I felt so uncomfortable i like had

to fast forward." I was like "I like

even Vance's jaw was on the floor." Like

it was

wild not relevant at all to what's

happening in this moment but yes Love

Island has apparently their production

team has read this series yeah and they

went "We should pace a competition."

Yeah well and the best is that in the

next book he does give her Yes the dick

it's very good it's very funny what did

he make it out of bone oh okay yeah um

so anyway you have

So um Beal and Georgie arrive with the

others and Liz is like "Hey I want my

mate." Um to be clear no one asked what

I wanted when I was kidnapped from my

home no one asked what I wanted when I

was taken by this [ __ ] tribe no one

asked what I wanted when I came back to

this tribe nobody asked i want my mate

like I have not had any choices in any

of this i am choosing my mate this is

[ __ ]

and um the hunter Hiko is like vectal i

understand that technically Ray Hos

needs to be punished and at this point

they're now pretending like when they

saw everybody coming they were like "Oh

better get the knife." And

like and Haiko is like

"Veal Ray Hos needs to be punished." And

living with Liz for a lifetime is a

punishment it's so good it's so good

be's like "You know when you say it like

that He's like "I'll consider

it." So eventually um Veto calls Rahos

back to the tribe and tells him um and

Liz that they are pseudo exiled for the

next 2 years or until the baby is born

because gestation is 3 years for them

but they don't know how it's going to be

different with humans right

so basically their pseudo exile is they

have to be out of the tribal caves for 7

days hunting they can return for one and

they have to stay in the hunters

quarters so they won't have their own

cave um not a dealbreaker for them no

liz is ecstatic she's like I love to

hunt this is great because the whole

time the men have been like the women

don't hunt and she's like this woman

does [ __ ] like so she's basically

Bectal found a way to give them what

they really wanted anyway um so because

they don't get their own

room they are in the cave with the other

hunters um and Liz is annoyed that after

so long apart they don't have any alone

time so she starts making just obscene

sounds and saying the most horrifying

[ __ ] including "Oh do that with your

tail again baby." And like she's like

listening and like hunters are slowly

leaving like one at a

time um and she's doing like fake

moaning and [ __ ] i have a feeling

they'll have their own cave before the

Yeah the two years are out yeah so so

he's like with my tail and she's like

use your imagination or

something so he like flicks her [ __ ]

with it and he's she's like like that

so they do it doggy style which is a hot

tip from Georgie um which means there's

a little anal play because of the spur

so Liz is just happy to be with him and

looking forward to their time in the

wild and like this is great everything's

awesome and that's the happily ever

after that's it

yeah cuz I Well I guess it's it's a

small tribe we'll see her again through

her

gestational periods

yeah in one of them one of the other

women is

kidnapped in a separate incident and Liz

finds her and so Liz is really big in

that one and you see like they're really

happy through there a they're exile so

yeah it's nice it really Yeah I remember

as we were going through this I truly

remember like reading it being

like I find Liz very funny and even I

want her to shut the [ __ ] up yeah mhm

which is a hard thing because you're

like rooting for her but she's also

well a lot and it's very like I felt

very conflicted at multiple points of

like she is going through a lot and

she's having a really hard time yes all

of it's valid and she's also hurting a

lot of people like Yeah

like you know the frustration and

difficulty adjusting is absolutely valid

of course the using that

to

justify hurting other people less valid

is less valid and less cool yeah

overarchingly yeah but I still enjoyed

it it was still a fun read and um Ray

Hos was cute

you know Liz was quite ingenious i mean

she really is

what's our ratings go i mean we did

leather pants glowworms last time we

could do leather pants we could do spurs

spurs

we could do bows

let's do bows okay because that was a

big deal um in the book I didn't

highlight it as much because it was not

interesting to me i'm not an archer but

it was a big deal like the making of the

bow and she made one for him and all

that stuff way to really alienate the

archers in our listening group hannah

I'm really sorry that wasn't a judgment

on archery i just don't possess it's

much much like I left it out of my

review i didn't I didn't find it

interesting

much like fishing there's no judgment on

those who fish i just I don't have that

life experience outside of Disney so

which is just a stupid Florida thing to

say but anyway um yeah we'll go with

Bose and we'll go with uh 10 because

that's how many days Ray Hos was

unconscious

okay love it um I'm gonna go

with like six that's what I was gonna

guess you were gonna choose yeah I'm

like six six and a half because it was

really fun it was super interesting it

was paced well um yeah I liked it

yeah it's a very easy series to read and

just like I also feel like you can pick

it up and you can put it down and like

cuz I read the first two back to back

and then it's still on my list to come

back to which I like I like that you I

feel like you when you commit to a

series I plow through them but also just

like Ray Hos I don't possess the

capacity right now to read anything

challenging

and so I was like I could look for other

things to read but I'm not going to no

it's a fun easy read and if you don't

mind Alien Dick you'll also likely

really enjoy it

if you do mind Alien Dick maybe look for

a different series i don't really know

how you made it this far in the episode

right and might I recommend like a JS

Scott series if you're not into the

Alien but you want an easy read

i just picked up

um a Carla Sorenson series that I hadn't

read yet and I feel like she's a good

easy Yeah read i read a couple series

back toback that I'm like this is very

convoluted and I just needed something a

little Mhm more simple and

straightforward in that regard um but

all that said I'm have no doubt we will

review more Ruby Dixon in the future

it's very enjoyable it is very enjoyable

absolutely um let us know how many bows

and arrows if you're feeling fancy you

would rate what is I just was going to

say ice planet barbarian but that's not

barbarian alien

barbarian alien is it that hold on let

me double check myself i am this is

incredible it is barbarian alien

barbarian alien i was right

um let us know how many bows you would

rate Barbarian

Alien ice Planet Barbarians 2: Electric

Bugaloo thank you so much for listening

see y'all next time bye smut [ __ ] bye

smart puppies well that's it for this

week smut [ __ ] we hope it was good for

you cuz it sure was great for us if

you're digging what we're doing it would

mean a lot if you'd take a minute to

rate and review the show wherever you're

listening right now maybe tell that sexy

someone to lend us an ear we love you we

appreciate you and we'll see you next

week stay smiley

[Music]