Smut Club

well hello All You Beautiful

[Music]

People you know what time it

is ladies and gents Guys and Dolls and

everyone in

between gather around get you something

real nice to sip on and comfy to slip

on cuz it's time for smut Club here's

your hosts Elsey and

[Applause]

Hannah hey everybody and welcome to

Smart

club I'm Chelsea and I'm Hannah and

this is the podcast where we get

Giggles so I

uh I haven't told Hannah what we're

reviewing today but she speculated a few

times and I've been a little vague so

literally right before we started he's

like I still don't even know what we're

reviewing and I'm like you do like in

your heart hearts you

know oh no that's why I said get the

peanut butter M&M's cuz we would need

the emotional support they

offer

okay we can take a pause and get more

alcohol at any point that you need I

also like that we're terrifying all of

our listeners because I don't know what

we're reviewing they also if you're new

here let us tell you who we are and what

we do I'm Chelsea this is Hannah we

already got through that part the part

we didn't get through is that we are two

licensed mental health therapists who

enjoy day drinking and reviewing romance

novels of various caliber and boy are

they of

varying caliber

yeah uh which which brings us to today's

book

already we're just going to rip the

Bandit

off this show has been a journey of

Peaks and

valleys and I feel like you are taking

me to a valley we are going to a low

point if your face is anything to go by

unfortunately I do think that might just

be my

face Chelsea said my face is a bad news

face I don't know what to tell you no

one's ever told me I have a face for bad

news before but but maybe I do I don't

think you do I really thought you were

going to be like you know Chelsea this

has been Peaks and valleys and I am

putting my faith in you that you are

taking me to a peak we are going to be

on the top of this mountain together and

instead you're like judging by what your

face looks like shit's about to go

sideways I might be projecting it's my

anxiety cuz I don't know what's

happening

today we are reviewing his favorite

hucow [ __ ] me

twice well Matt's not here but probably

will

later damn it why why damn it we're

going to go on this journey ask

questions be curious quite frankly this

book is better written than I

anticipated interesting content not

going to lie really got to open your

mind to new experiences

so yes deep cleansing breath and I am

open and

ready for me to take you to the mountain

top I'm trusting you so much right now

oh well don't trust me that much you

have no me for

years who wrote

this dark

angel okay yep his favorite hucow haor

hathor is the planet so we open with

Margaret uh she's going to be called

megie for the rest of the book okay so

Margaret otherwise known as Maggie um is

on a spaceship sure it is a prison

transport vehicle um so essentially the

Allied worlds PE like people are no

longer just on one planet lots of

planets have alliances and so with the

Allied worlds she is in route to one of

the prison planets so she is reading

through the menu of the four options

where it's like hey um for like to be

fair her crime was violent it was an

accident but it was violent but it's

like hey for people who were remorseful

for people who maybe don't need to go to

like the prison labor Planet like Max

security basically yes like there are at

least this is how I'm interpreting it

there are four Prison planets that um

you can be selected for so she's reading

through the list then you rank them in

the order at which like you'd like want

to be selected

um each planet has its own King sure yep

and so it seems as though at this point

there are four books in the series and

each book is going like Planet by planet

with each of those Kinks okay um there

are some characters in this one that

they said they're going to come back to

this planet in the future but I don't

think that they have yet um so haor is

the main Planet plot twist it's the one

she's going to end up on right it's in

the [ __ ] name of the book hope I'm

not ruining anything right um so haor is

the planet with hucows

so it's like hey we will give you a we

will inject you with a painless serum

that will enlarge your breast allow you

to

lactate and really your only job is to

uh make milk and like be milked that we

can then sell to like help children on

other country or on other worlds and

think of that capacity um I think people

also use it for their their personal

needs but kind of like hey your only job

is to be milked outside of that you are

pampered you hang out in a field with

other H

cows and you just kind of live your life

like you don't really have to worry

about anything then I guess uh once you

are 50 years old um you have the option

to like no longer take the serum and

then you could be an assistant and

helping the hucows for the next I want

to say 10 15 years something like that

then you could choose to retire into a

group home on the planet essentially so

like you you aren't leaving the planet

once you are there but it's also not

the worst prison sentence I was going to

say that could be worse yeah it

absolutely could and then sometimes

people are chosen some of the hucows are

selected as personal pets um which like

has a contract involved like you agree

to the terms of what that looks like

like some people um demand monogamy in

their contract some are like you can

[ __ ] other hucows other people can mount

me right it's it is what it is MHM um

okay I think that was enough of an

overview of haor okay the other planets

uh their names are escaping me one like

the Kink seems to be

uh you're put in like a permanent

childlike State and it's like bratty

spanking little boy little girl mommies

and daddies looking for their their

Littles their Littles and you little as

a prisoner okay um I think the other two

one I want to say they didn't turn you

into cows it was

horses maybe I don't know haven't read

that one yet might not read it if I'm

being honest uh maybe I will we'll see

where the spirit takes me in the future

then the final planet is uh like

personal pets like like I think it's

more like cats and dogs but on that

planet like you're kind of expected to

like learn tricks to entertain your

owners so it's a puppy

kitten yes Kink yes so all of them kind

of have those those Kinks um Maggie is

the most aroused at the thought of

hathor but she doesn't think she

deserves it because of the crime that

she committed um she drove drunk and

crashed her car and uh like into a

preschool killed several children oh um

but like in court was like very very

remorseful was like I wish it was me I'm

like I will take whatever punishment you

give me and so the judge went more

lenient with her even though like in her

head she's like I'm a murderer I like

don't deserve any of this and they're

like you you yeah it's bad but like you

clearly didn't mean to kill the kids so

like we're not sending you straight to a

labor planet right okay we then switch

points of view to Leo um Leo is the

co-owner of sweet cream

farm and he is also the haor

representative uh to like the prison

ship to select which inmates might be

best for uh their Planet okay so then

once they are selected they will then go

to auction to the different Farms okay

but he is

immediately drawn to Magie like even on

the on the security feeds I think the

planet with the littles also wanted her

and she'd marked that as her number one

but I guess whatever space suits they

wear they're like but we could tell from

her body's reaction like that the suit

told us like she was more aroused by

haor but she didn't choose it cuz she

was like I don't deserve the one that I

would be more into so like whatever

wherever they put me is fine sort of

energy um but it's like very clear that

Leo is into that yeah is like vibing her

and like he like keeps looking back at

the monitor to the point that like the

representative for that other planet is

like you can have her like you she can

be haor but like I want you to seriously

consider if you like want to make her

your personal pet or something like that

in the future like clearly this is more

than just like yeah a potential cow to

be sold to someone else at auction wow

what a what a kind soul to be like I see

this for you don't know if you've

noticed I've noticed Food For Thought

yeah just like Hey Love You by I can

grab some other prisoners it's fine you

take this

one um so megie and several others end

up I think like eight in total end up

being selected for

hathor to go to

auction um they're all given the serum

first so by then they're not like fully

lactating and like as large as they will

get over time but the serum is starting

to take effect at the auction um they're

put in

like modified stocks so like their head

and neck and I think arms are controlled

and they're all blindfolded then all of

the various Farm owners go around test

the product see what they're into Leo is

having a very hard time with this

because he actually like went ahead and

like made the intentions known that he's

like

hey they're going to be Aid at the

auction this one will be spoken spoken

for yeah um and everyone's very

intrigued by that because Leo has been

the representative for five years and he

has

never expressed interest called dibs

anything like that to the point that

like one of the women who like has a

farm who's at the auction's like what

are you doing here she's like I got word

and everyone's intrigued over

like I came to see the eighth one that

apparently is not actually available and

like she's like we're all a little

curious and he looked around he's like

[ __ ] how do we're get out

everyone is here and like a little

intrigued yeah so but it's also

important to him he's like I know I want

I'm I'm into her I think in the future

I'm very interested in making her a

personal pet if that is something that

would interest her um but also it's

still very important that she go through

the typical process process and kind of

initiation into this lifestyle um and

that like exceptions aren't made for her

in that regard um he can't be showing

like that extreme level of

favoritism yes yeah

um yeah so then like they're all

blindfolded and the men are all just

going around testing the products before

they decide to auction and she is very

into it because the serum also makes her

more aroused sure I guess the best milk

is from a happy and pleased cow so while

they're all getting milked on the farm

they're either like on a dildo or the

farm hands are actively [ __ ] them and

if you didn't get [ __ ] in the morning

you get [ __ ] in the evening and the

other ones are put on the dildos while

you're milked

so this is not relevant in any way shape

or

form but for some reason when you said

in the morning or in the

evening all I could think about was the

pizza bagel song Pizza in the morning

Pizza in the evening pizza at supper

time and I I was in like the Middle

School worship band and there was a song

about like praise you in the morning

and be like is this where the bagel bite

song got their jingle or vice versa vice

versa

babe like I don't know that to be true

but I feel pretty

confident wouldn't that be incredible

number one contemporary worship song of

the early ODS was inspired inspired by a

bagel bite commercial I hope that's true

I really do so much

excuse me um okay so they go through the

whole auction

process they end up purchasing megie as

expected and one other cow H cow uh

named

Cassie she is Tiny she is a curvy little

Spitfire and the other Farm co-owner

Brandon is a little into that is into

that he's also into like [ __ ] all the

other hucows so they are the ones that

like they're like there will there will

be a future book for them mhm cuz very

much like throughout the book it's one

of those where he's like well I don't

want her to like think of like there be

exclusivity so all like [ __ ] one of the

other Hue cows

instead so then she's like okay one of

the other Farm hands can mount me I mean

they're not talking because she's a cow

right but then he's like well no that

didn't go how I wanted it to go so it's

like that's kind of that's not what I

meant no I meant

I could [ __ ] whoever you

could only [ __ ] me which is the Hallmark

of a very healthy open relationship oh

my gosh well that's like the show

Temptation Island oh I haven't watched

that oh so messy so wonderful we do

enjoy a mess so they like take four

couples that are out of Crossroads in

that relationship you're never at of

[ __ ] Crossroads you know right [ __ ]

or get off the park you're just not

crossing the road that is indeed the

problem yeah so they

take the four boyfriends and put them in

one house and they put the four

girlfriends and put them in another

house and then they put 10 hot singles

of the opposite sex in the houses with

each of them okay um so then the guys

are dating the girls in the house the

girls are dating the guys in their house

and then they have bonfires where they

will just take a clip completely out of

context of your significant other with

whoever they're talking to oh good to

really test the relationship right

healthy yes wise great TV though yeah

great TV very much oh yeah one guy with

there were like we decided like

emotionally it's okay but like we won't

do anything physical with with anyone uh

that man had a threesome with two other

girls in the house and that was the clip

they showed her at the bonfire so like

when you see you're like oh well I'd

been good and like hadn't been pushing

any boundaries physically in this house

but he kissed her over there the most

recent season they added a like

Temptation light that if someone in the

other house is doing something it'll

like make a light glow in your house but

you don't know who is doing it you don't

know what they're

doing messy these producers are choosing

violence every morning in the best way

possible thank you for your

ministry oh um so the bidding did go

pretty high for Cassie so they ended up

only getting the to okay uh they

probably would have gotten a third but

Brandon was very excited by the purchase

of Cassie so Leo was like it's not that

deep man if it makes him happy we got

two instead of three it's fine yeah um

but other people

didn't like bit on Maggie because he had

like dibs her and they respected her or

was there they like didn't I think it

was just kind of like expected that he

would get her that actually like really

don't go into detail about the bidd

process it's just like well we purchased

her right yeah okay I got you so then

they put the little collars with the

little bells sure

on what sure yep yep a while I'm in it

I'm with you I am continuing to trust

the process oh

no I don't want to betray your trust

it's fine listen we've been friends for

years I was going to say we've been

through so much as friends we can make

it through the H cow book well so my

sister recently she's like so I listened

to the unhinged episode of the podcast

and I was like oh what a what a choice

of an episode where she falls in love

with her door fine no problem and my

sister goes my favorite part was when

you talked about Hannah's

Jewish and then she's like she found it

funny right I like yes

like I've had 33 years to grow to accept

and love my nose yes we're

good but I love that my sister like kind

she's like it's like no I was like

Taylor I was going to say she not Jewish

shout out to Taylor for checking on that

I really appreciate you that's really

nice I'll let her know yeah meanwhile

one of my friends was like I was

listening to I think it might have been

unhinged whatever episode where I was

like Matt and I were trying something it

didn't work and then we were ordering

burrito and he was like we should use a

pillow while we're standing in

line and she was like I went

oh oh that's a lot of information to

know about

Matt she said so I might have to take a

break for a little while I like that's

cool totally understand you're like I

can't make eye contact with him and feel

the same way in this moment

yeah I don't know what my limit or

threshold is but I could look mad in the

eye after that moment no shade on on the

other person but I'm like okay what is

my what's the moment where I'm like oh

no I'm like oh Hannah told me this one

story and I'll never view him the same

right we haven't made it there yet no I

don't for the record I'm not trying to

test the boundaries I was going to say I

don't know that it's maybe

like I can't think of another example

but like a frog being boiled where you

just don't notice you're just going

further and further and you don't know

that you're like in the danger zone

there it is yep we found the line too

far too

far so all right they put the Bell

callers on megie and Cassie and they're

also like you're no longer allowed to

talk like oh like you can speak like

with the herd very quietly like away

from like the farmers and like but like

when you are around other people like

you are a cow You Can Moo if you need

something but like

you no need to to speak at this point

you are an animal wow yes okay it I feel

like the way in which I'm communicating

it honestly comes off a little more

degrading than it read in the book like

in the book they didn't speak but like

it it so the way in which it's written

you're like oh this is just kind of part

of the culture and expectations it

didn't necessarily feel as like overtly

degrading right right for what it's

worth that could be my own user

error so it is a 2our drive back to

sweet cream Farm also uh not that it

really matters but

Leo bought the farm and took it over

from his uncle who had uh had the farm

for years and then retired with his

personal pet cow and like they moved a

couple hours away and sold his farm okay

so that's like a a maybe not common but

not totally unseen thing to be like this

one's the one we're sticking with it

like yeah being a personal pet is

essentially like a marriage license okay

and so it is like not a small thing that

you are entering into because you're

also no longer like sleeping out in the

I don't know our our cows and Stables

I'm not a farm girly I apologize please

I don't know you're not in the barn or

the field yep the barn the field the St

wherever meow whatever the [ __ ] yes like

you um when you're a personal pet you

sleep like in the house you share a bed

with your partner right owner Master

whatever you're calling them and you are

also able to like speak to them in the

so it's not like in your bedroom you're

not allowed to speak at all got you yeah

so like that might also be why it seemed

a little less degrading in the book

because they're not like you can't talk

all but they're like hey you're a cow

you're here as a prisoner right when

you're out in the field Che went on the

grass gossip away quietly with the other

cows right yes um so it's a 2-hour drive

back to the farm by the time they get

there megie her breasts have refilled

and she is desperately needing to be

milked um and Leo is very willing to

help with this this process but also I

guess like typically Leo really only

like mounts the the Hue cows on the farm

when they're

short-handed um and he's not the like

he's not the one he's not Brandon going

in and just like having a blast so yeah

everyone's kind of like oh notice that

Leo yes um but then after he mounts her

after she's moked he then hands her off

to a farmand and she feels a little like

oh wamp wamp yes and in his head he's

like I didn't really want to hand her

off to the farm hand but like I have to

like follow the rules follow the rules

follow the process and the farmand

already knows that like Leo has an

interest that like dibs yes like hey

you're going to be respectful and

nonsexual as you are cleaning this cow

and right getting her ready and all that

good stuff yeah so at this point they've

banged he's milked her and then he was

like have a good night well the C get

milked twice a day okay so they get

milked morning they get milked evening

that's where I was saying like with the

right with the banging yes right for the

the sweetest

cream

yummy sorry oh I didn't like that but I

did I brought that on myself I I know um

they they take meie and Cassie

into the barn where all of the other Hue

cows are and they put them like more in

one of the pens that has some of uh some

of the older cows who have been there

for a while who are pretty nurturing and

we'll just kind of take them under their

wing all of the cows are gossiping about

Leo like this is like big deal that he

is this into

Magie but one of the cows is like he'll

change his mind he's mounted me before

you're not that special [ __ ] her name

is

Lily Lily is a [ __ ]

I was going to say Lily sounds like a

real [ __ ] yes and I don't use the CW

lightly I know you don't casually but

I was not a fan of her in this book you

we you'll learn why we'll get there but

yeah Lily's jealous and she's kind of a

[ __ ] and all of the other cows are like

he didn't mow you get over it like just

cuz he's done it once doesn't mean like

they were short-handed it wasn't cuz you

were special right there's clearly a

difference in what's happening here

which Lily doesn't really want to

believe mhm the next morning megie wakes

up and she's like I am so uncomfortable

I need to be milked

immediately she's like I also need to

get off immediately like I um there was

a lot of

Dripping

yeah yeah I didn't love that word

but okay it is what it is so he mounts

her for her morning milk and it's a

great experience for them but then once

again he like immediately takes off for

the office and she's like oh okay like

maybe I'm not special yes 1,000% and

also like they're not talking right like

cuz she's not allowed anyway yes yeah so

she's like I'm a

prisoner he's mounted me a couple

times I haven't spoken with this man I

don't know what you want from me right

um I mean he could talk to her

well you know touche I mean but he also

is like Leo is the absolute rule

follower got and so he's

like I need to get her through the whole

initiation process before we have any

conversation about what that could look

like so like in his head he's like I'm

obsessed with her this is what's going

to happen and she's like I don't really

know he hasn't told

me maybe he'll [ __ ] me maybe

won't yes this is my life now so uh Leo

hands her off to Vince to get

her fully Hue cowed out with all of the

autant he chose Vince specifically

because there's another hucow on the

farm Wendy that is essentially Vince's

personal pet but Vince isn't like at a

high enough status to be able to have a

personal pet so it's a little bit more

unspoken it's like hey like much like

Leo and Magie where it's other Farm

hands might clean you might get you

ready might do all like might milk you

but like I'm the only one who will Mount

you right out of respect this is yeah

exactly that's the boundary so Leo asks

Vince to be the one to like get her

ready and it's like getting like the

knee pads on and the ankle pads on

because they'll be crawling around in

the fields it's also where they insert

your t

which is a a butt plug with a

tail and then you're just crawling

around the the field with

your vag lips flapping in the

wind not

flapping showing to the wind I don't

know I don't like the word flapping

[Laughter]

are there any other acutal besides the

knee pads and the um the tail hand pads

as I was going to say cuz that would be

hard on your hands yes so they do make

it difficult to sit so like megie is

watching the other Hue cows where she's

like okay they've all like perfected

this kind of like Lean Back position

going to say like on your hip or like on

your heels or something more yeah like

on the heels and very much like hey like

you're just you just like lays about in

the in the field but you do have all of

these pads so you just kind of have to

yeah figure out what's what's going to

work for you what's comfortable in that

process but the grass

is genetically modified okay uh

to have lots of nutrients be very

healthy for them it tastes really good

so it's like not a hardship for the cows

to just eat the grass and then they have

feeders that have essentially like an

oatmeal sludge so like those are what

that's what we're eating yep and

apparently like the oatmeal sludge and

like the water come out of like I don't

know in my head it read like a giant

hamster that's what I was thinking um

but then you're just like sucking on a

giant straw so she's like it's a very

sexual experience i'm like [ __ ]

everything arouses you at this point

like

I mean everything is a sexual experience

if you decide it is I

mean if you put it in your mouth and

decide

to everything the sexual experience if

you put it in your

mouth

okay megie is very much taking to this

huccow life she likes the thought of her

milk being able to help children because

sheu feels horrible for what happened

she also likes that she can't hurt

anyone else that she's like I don't

really have to think I don't have to be

in control like not like explicitly

submissive but just very willing to well

I was going to say even with the not

talking thing I could see

how on some level that might be kind of

freeing yeah to not have to like explain

to anybody like what you're doing or

what's going on and just being like time

to go get milked time to go back to

the going to have at least two orgasms a

day I'm going to hang with the girls in

the field outside of that like it's

really not a horrible prison sentence

compared to what it could be but also

remembering like you're not leaving this

plant like this is right this is your

life yes this this is your life um and

Maggie is very much taking to it mhm Leo

is really having a difficult time with

megie being out in the field and not

being able to like be with her and check

on her to the point where he's like

okay I told myself I couldn't watch the

monitors at all but then I wasn't

getting any work done cuz I was just

thinking about the monitors so instead I

let myself watch the monitors for 5

minutes at the end of each hour once

I've worked the whole hour like so he's

very much bargaining with himself to be

able to like keep an eye on the monitors

and make sure mey is

okay um at the end of the day when like

they're like hey it's ready for like the

evening milking come in from the field

she sees Leo out there and then she sees

Lily like prancing in front of Leo

trying to get his attention and she's

like okay well like I want to be

respectful and if feel like it doesn't

always have to be me and like I don't

really know so she just kind like puts

her head down so she doesn't have to

watch him choose Lily and she's like

it's fine and then she looks up and like

once Leo saw her in the field like made

a beine to her and like clipped her in

to her collar to his lead and and then

she was like I know I'm crawling but I

also very aroused and we are keeping a

tight clip to get back so that I can get

milked he is moving with a swiftness and

he expects me to keep up yes yeah and I

think this may have been what it was but

there was like definitely a moment where

like she's like excited to see him there

but also know she can't talk so she's

like nuzzling his thigh and he's like

petting her hair right she's very into

all of this she feels very taken care of

okay right so like yeah we've read far

more poorly written books than this

which quite frankly killed me because

I if this was reading like one of our OG

billionaire romance books and was hucows

but like the way in which it's written I

was like damn it I'm actually rooting

for both of them yeah yeah well I can

see how

like if you get on board Bo with this

like alternate reality

future whatever and you have the context

that she is fully consenting yes even if

he hasn't explicitly gotten that like

consent out loud MH but she clearly from

her point of view we have it yes that

for me makes it easier to get on board

because I'm like if somebody's putting

her on her knees and making her crawl

without her consent like I would feel

real icky about that yes but it's

different if like you know what I'm

saying mhm well and it seems like Cassie

is more of the um obstinate hucow who's

a little bratty yeah getting a few more

spankings to keep her in line sort of

energy and Leo's a little like smug that

like at how easily Meg's kind of behave

yes he's like oh she just took to this

lifestyle I made a good choice look at

me in a way like

sure I am look overlooking a lot of

things but like he's really into her and

it's very sweet yeah damn

it

[ __ ] so it's now a week later um she is

continuing to acclimate very very well

and like I guess typically it's like

about a two we initiation process and

Brandon's like hey man we all see the

writing on the wall like you can bring

her into the house like you can just

make her your personal pet and Leo's

like no don't torture yourself for

another week dude just do it but Leo is

ever the rule follower and he's like no

we need to follow it like I want it to

like be

okay um cuz he also wants to make sure

that she learns all of the customs and

like part of that is also spending time

with the herd

um and I forget if it I don't know I

might be getting this a little bit murky

but like I think some of like the

genetic modifications that the serum

makes it's like it gives them slightly

thicker skin so like they can be in the

sun all day but like they also crave the

fresh air and the grass so like they

have things that also like help them

acclimate to the life that is helpful

cuz I was thinking about that cuz I'm so

[ __ ] pale

like like you want me to be in a field

immediate Lobster yes

I once like I was in grad school our

post office was like on campus our

little mail room

and it was a 3 minute walk from our

apartment and I was burned by the time I

got back and I'm like I was in the Sun

for count it 6 minutes total and this

just happened yep what SPF 50 every day

my friend yeah oh yeah well I've told

you Vance is always convinced that he is

as pale as me no he's not thank you

everyone has said this and Vance goes no

no no maybe our arms cuz I'm in the Sun

a little bit more so those aren't the

same and I was like Vance you're just

not as pale as me and he goes we need to

go ask to ask so we like were at a pool

party once and both pulled out an ass

cheek for the sake of this argument and

everyone there was like yep Chelsea's

still

p and Vance will still hold on to it to

this day I'm like we've already done the

ass to ass cheat comparison I don't know

what more you want also why do you want

to be as pale as me it's not the most

convenient thing yeah it's not

necessarily something to be super proud

of like like it'd be cool if I could go

in the sun for 20 minutes before burning

I don't ask for a lot it's a severe

absence of melanin my guy it's not like

I haven't won anything if anything I've

lost something

literally so Leo is still very like hey

I want megie to go through the whole

process I'm not going to bring her bring

her into the house yet but like he is

the one he is doing the morning and

evening milkings just with Maggie um but

there is a day where like he like

doesn't show up that morning oh and

Maggie's like okay well like maybe I was

wrong and like maybe I like I don't know

so maybe I read too much into it yes we

switched to Leo's perspective and

Leo

um there's another Farm owner who has

come and brought three of her

Bulls okay yes got it also genetically

modified sure um to honestly it just

sounded like they were modified to be

more meat heady than anything

else um but I guess Lily is not a

prisoner there are some people who just

like have been intrigued by the

lifestyle who are like I grew up on a

poor Planet it would be nice to be

pampered and taken care of so some

people actually choose to go and be a

hucow voluntarily Lily is one of those

people so one of the things that Lily

like put in her contract very explicitly

was that she wanted to have children and

like that was very important her so she

was okay being bred yes okay and so

she's like hey well but also I guess the

way in which like breeding having kids

on this planet works like it's not as

simple as it is on Earth if you will

because they're like okay well like you

have the kid and then you typically have

to leave for several years because your

kid is too young to understand the

customs and the lifestyle so like you

have to leave for several years before

you come back however for their purposes

Leo's like hey like you if you have a

kid and like you live on our property as

long as we can still get your milk twice

a day like that's all we're asking for

so like it's all well and good yeah

that's fine so Leo and Brandon are

talking with Vanessa the owner of the

other Farm who's brought three bowls as

potential mates to breed Lily okay um

all of the hucows are hanging out Lily's

like continuing to be [ __ ] uh to

Maggie to but like to the point that

like Maggie finally kind of like snaps

back a bit and is like I didn't ask for

this I didn't choose this like if he

doesn't want to [ __ ] you that like

that's not my fault um except she's and

she's very soft spoken so it's like not

that aggressive but like for megie yeah

she snaap back she's like I didn't even

put this planet as my first choice like

I really did not ask to be here truly

yeah and so Lily ends up like walking

away and is like huffing and puffing

about it so then later in the field that

day Lily comes up to mey and is like hey

could we talk for a few minutes and is

apologizing and is remorseful and she's

like I learned this morning she's like

I've always wanted to be a personal pet

like Brandon clearly isn't looking for a

pet so I like kind of thought Leo might

be interested but today I realize like I

don't have any chance of being like

becoming a pet because they brought

three Bulls to breed me so clearly I'm

not becoming a house pet and they're not

the ones who are going to impregnate me

right so like Lily's whole life plan was

like go become a

hucow have the farm owner take her as a

personal pet I'm

like but then like

you I don't you're then assuming that

like the farm owner wants to raise kids

with you which is like not what was so

like she just really kind of created her

own Narrative of what would happen and

then like the the Bulls were there and

she's like oh I guess this isn't playing

out how I thought um and Meg's like I'm

so

sorry also this like isn't really my

problem she's like okay yeah like you

set unrealistic expectations and then

got upset with everyone sort of energy

and Lily is like very remorseful very

kind and is like yeah I'm sorry like

this is what's been going on I like

realized this and she's like do you want

to see the Bulls and Maggie's like I

knew we shouldn't trust Lily exactly

[ __ ] what and Maggie's like I am a

little a little intrigued to like see

the Bulls so then when they get over to

like the gate that separates them um

Lily takes off one of her gloves I guess

she had separate gloves because she was

there voluntarily so like hers had the

ability to be removed um okay and so she

opens the gate pushes Maggie in and

locks it oh no and then it's like if

you're used Goods Leo won't want you

anymore then maybe I'll have my

shot literally not how it works ever at

all but also

like if you weren't a prisoner before

setting someone up to be assaulted feels

like a crime cuz it is Hannah good job

feels like a crime

so feels like a this feels like a crime

yes because you literally tried to kill

someone very much a

crime attempted manslaughter I believe

is the charge we're looking for

here yeah yeah at the very least

conspiracy to commit or like accessory

well and so the Bulls like one of the

Bulls sees Magie comes over and is like

starting to be like a little aggressive

with her one of the other Bulls sees her

then starts fighting so then all of the

Bulls are fighting to get to her to get

to her um which she's like initially a

little bit grateful for because then

they're focused on each other but

they're like not very aware of their

surroundings so like she's like getting

hit as they are like elow is like thrown

into herek accient of energy right and

so she ends up like screaming and Lily's

like well it's the same like anyone can

mount you right she's like there's a

difference between being milked and

being sexually assaulted yeah like Not

the Same by any stretch of the

imagination and like go away Lily like

why are you just you're just going to

stand here and watch now that is [ __ ]

like the whole thing is [ __ ] but

that's especially [ __ ] yeah to stay to

watch someone absolutely so megie is

like curled up in a ball on the ground

screaming and crying at this point and I

guess the the good news is that as soon

as Lily opened the gate it set off an

alarm good so like they were able to

check the monitors we're like oh [ __ ]

like Leo and everyone else like was

rushing out there Lily starts trying to

take off through the field as the farm

hands are chasing her um and Leo takes

megie back to the house and he's like

she's not going back to the barn I guess

Vince is also like the team doctor um so

he makes sure she's okay the pain meds

are a

suppository which they felt like they

needed to include that

detail Vince is doing a lot to her

butt sorry for having his own cow he's

really doing a lot to he's doing a lot

to her butt yeah well like at one point

they're like talking about how the tail

plug really enhances her experience

because she feels so much more full and

I'm like sure

okay oh fine yeah so megie is ultimately

okay I think she had like a bruised rib

a cracked rib is the worst of it she has

the bruise on her cheek but like just

shaken up for the most part um cracked

ribs suck yes and Leo like Brandon's

like okay so is she going back to the

barn and Leo's like no she's in my bed

that's it yeah

so megie wakes up in Leo's bed and Leo

starts having a conversation with her

about like I want you to be my pet and

he like sees like the look on her face

and he's like what is that not I thought

we were like on the same page here it

and Maggie's like are you sure like I'm

a murderer like do you want like you

could have anyone else like I'm a

murderer and he's like it was an

accident like yes a very very tragic

accident

you did drive drunk and it was also an

accident and I'm not going to like

you're already you're already a hucow

now like I think we've punished

ourselves enough at at this point yeah

um which she's all like was also

initially like can can I talk in here

and he's like yes you can speak so like

in the bedroom but also in that way

where he's like once we leave the

room yeah you're back yeah to to be

being a cow so he does bring Brandon in

uh that night to help milk her he's the

only one who will Mount her but other

people can help milk her okay yes so

he's the only one who can [ __ ] her but

she does essentially have boobs that

touch the grass like utters in the field

well it makes my boobies

hurt yeah I think it makes hers hurt too

more they feel listen I

breastfed MH that [ __ ] sucked mhm I

remember it was maybe like a month into

breastfeeding when like your boobs are

still like porn star size yeah which as

someone who's like a 34b I've never this

was a brand new experience for me I was

doing the math and I was like holy [ __ ]

the alphabet goes that far on these

boobs what I remember I was like walking

down the stairs and turn too quickly and

hit like the post at the bottom of the

stairs with my no yes and like literally

I like looked down I was like my entire

shirt is wet my boobs were so full I

accidentally bumped one and milk went

everywhere and I was like huh but I will

also say not a sexual experience for me

yeah need to be very clear yeah in fact

I remember talking to my husband I was

like I know you like boobs I know all

men like boobs and I am breastfeeding

and my boobs do not feel like mine and

this does not feel sexual

in any capacity but like sex please

don't touch my boobs for the foreseeable

future and so like thinking of how full

and uncomfy my boobs got yeah and I

wasn't even genetically modified to

lactate

more lest we forget lest we forget I had

no genetic modifications to lactate more

um but yeah so Brandon helps milk her

while Leo [ __ ] her her it's great the

next morning uh she's very sore because

they went like three rounds the night

before and she's still milked twice a

day so a lot of [ __ ] yeah yes because

it's like hey you were milked twice and

then Leo [ __ ] you three times last

night and now it's the morning so uh

they are now going to breakfast in

the food Hall I don't know right where

communal eating area whatever where

she's put in

where she's put in the stocks um and

then all of the farm hands can come just

over and squeeze a tit for some fresh

cream in their coffee because now her

role is to provide the milk for the

household

so she provides milk to all of the farm

hands at breakfast while Leo [ __ ] her

in front of all of them and she's all

about it and then once she's

sufficiently milked and everyone sits

down with their uh coffee with their

desired level of cream she has her bowl

of oatmeal mush on the floor next to Leo

and she's just a happy little H cow and

eats it and

then what okay my final notes she she

loves hucow life Lily is sold to another

planet because they also have all of the

video at like footage they're like hey

you're going to go to a Prison Planet

we've called some these two are

interested so we're selling

you um Lily is sold to another planet

Leo and megie do anal live happily ever

after

so you're

welcome for some

reason I was really with

you suspending belief on board until the

coffee until the [ __ ] coffee dude

holy [ __ ] that was the moment that I was

just like laying in my bed and like

reread that line like four times and I

was like oh yep just oh you know what I

didn't quite get enough milk for my

coffee I like it a little lighter than

that need to go back over for another

squeeze yes I agree that was the part

that for some reason

I lost the plot I struggled with that

from then on out why is that the thing I

have no idea but I honestly feel so

validated that that was what threw you

as well [ __ ] oh my God there's something

about being like a like

a I don't even know what they're called

but you know the little thing where you

you pull the lever and little yes liquid

comes out like all I'm imagining is like

when you're at summer camp and they have

all of the cereals next to each other

and you put the bowl under the cereal

and you turn the little crank and it

drops the cereal into your bowl and then

you okay well now I need milk for that

cereal so then you go down to the next

station and you just milk mey's tee

until until you have enough milk for

your

cereal I don't know why was it the word

te

nope it was well before that my friend

what the

[ __ ] you're like Chelsea you son of a

[ __ ] you told me you were leading me up

the mountain top and then you shoved me

right off

[Laughter]

it oh my

God I really can't explain to you why

that's the thing that is giving me the

most issue I know exactly what I was

like I could like suspend belief through

the whole like standard milking process

but they're like okay well now you're a

household pet and Leo does indeed demand

monogamy in their pet contract and great

which she's all about but even with that

she's like I still don't really talk a

lot but she's good with it if that's how

she wants to live more power to you

yeah honestly to the point that I was

like hey Maggie this is a trauma

response I was going to say it feels a

little bit like we're

punishing ourselves punishing ourselves

and

overcompensating um yeah but like we all

process how we process

yeah I don't even know that it is the

drinking of human milk but it's

something about her just like being on

the buffet and people just coming over

and like squeezing her tit that's an

issue for me yes I'm like even if she'd

been milked and they were like hey guys

that's a bottle of meie on the table

somehow feels different yes than the you

just need to go over and get another

fresh

[Music]

squirt but I honestly

truly feel so seen inv validated that

this is also your hangup with the book I

was like I could suspend belief but like

that was also the part that I'm like

huh huh huh I do have a question okay

not related to that when they did anal

did they make a whole thing about

removing her

tail they didn't necessarily make

because there was also a lot of like

lighter anal play earlier in the book

okay got you that makes sense yeah so

like it was not they're just fascinated

with putting things in her ass like okay

well and I forget if it's the dog and

cat planet or the horse Planet but

they're not they're not the only planet

that uses decorative butt plugs sure in

this capacity

mhm it honestly just gave me a lot to

process more than like it would like I

will tell you and I know I said it

earlier it bugged me because it was so

well written This Book used the word

recalcitrant when was the last time you

heard that vocab word used that is an

SAT level word say yeah yes and I'm like

you know what word I didn't expect any

highlevel word when reading about hucows

I didn't expect anything over three

syllables to be honest yeah yeah so

kudos to the I believe it's two authors

who wrote this

um but like truly well written across

the board fascinating

premise I downloaded the next book which

is about the little planet but then when

I was actually when I was working on my

outline and was like rereading the start

of this where they were like and you're

in a permanent childlike State I was

like ooh I guess I could read the book

and find out for myself

but I'm it gives me pause yeah the

did I ever tell you about the time that

I was at a haunted house and this woman

started following me around the gift

shop to tell me about Jesus Christ your

personal Lord and Savior

no she was like pulling on my hair it

was blue at the time and telling me like

how pretty it was she was clearly super

intoxicated but there were these like

the reason I thought of it was there

were these like um wine Stoppers like

for open wine bottles and she like held

one up and she goes do you know what

this is and I was like it's a it's for a

wine bottle and she went I thought it

was for a butt and then like she was

telling like I don't know why she just

like latched on to me and started saying

like you are just amazing and you should

be treated like a queen and Matt came up

like as she was saying that and he was

like absolutely you're totally right and

she was like you treat her like a queen

and she got like really upset about it

and we just like backed out of the gift

shop and we were like oh my God so I

don't know I just something about like

the butt plug with like the decorative

tail or like whatever situation I always

just think of the Halloween themed

Stoppers that this woman was considering

shoving in her

ass

sorry

sorry I to be fair I wasn't there but I

also like that it wasn't just that she

she was like these look like butt plugs

but that it was she was considering

shoving them in her ass which feels

different than just being like doesn't

this look like a butt plug I mean she

was like really confused she like really

thought it was a butt plug I hope she

wasn't intending to use it on anybody

else I forget the name of the book but

there was a book that I read a couple of

years ago where they were remodeling a

hotel and it was like a

bully romance sort of

situation oh with the the curtain things

I don't remember being the cor but I

think it was for like the cabinet pole

like the PO for the cabinets but the

head designer they were

like these were the ones you chose and

she's like yeah and then like the owner

of the hotel is the bully for like the

girl who had like the junior design job

and he uses the door pull as a butt plug

because that's what they looked like

they were all intended for sure and then

she's like these are the

pulls he's like I'll pull something

that's my wording not his a couple years

since I read it so what is our rating I

was just wondering cowbells yeah I was

going to say I think it's cowbells more

cowbell yep there were eight at auction

so that feels like a solid number cool

cool

[ __ ]

3.5 okay I could see it yeah I don't

know if I can go a for full sure cow

bell I don't know if I can do like I

can't go to half but you 3.5 yeah feels

accurate because as I said better

written than than I anticipated mhm

frustratingly so yeah well it also

sounds like the characters were more

likable than I was expecting them to be

they were a [ __ ] of a lot more likable

than the people in Priest God

damn I just said something terrible yes

yeah there aren't a lot of people who

are less likable than the people I'm

priest for me personally yeah no that

yeah I I get that but seriously like it

seemed like you know we didn't get a ton

of character development necessarily but

that's not what this book was about like

this book is 160 Pages total yeah yeah

but like what we got was kindness and

and compassion to the level that they

were able to demonstrate it yeah like

that was honestly my experience of it as

well like reading through it I'm like

you

know okay okay like feels weird I was

giggling when I opened the book I

giggled a lot of the way through it but

like also like you know up until the

household pet milking I could really

suspend belief but that took me right

out it really did and I don't know why

that was the love fine I don't either I

feel like I'm going to have to do a lot

of thinking on that on why that moment

was so like H but like it was a very

intriguing read yeah for sure like I and

that's why like I legit did download the

second one then I was like I might need

to pause because if it's a permanent

childlike state that feels a little

right that feels like a little bit of a

different read and obviously I haven't

read it so I I could be interpreting

that incorrect but right just not what

I'm looking to pick up immediately

tomorrow um but I I would like legit

like consider recom not blanket

recommending this by any stretch but I

do think like I would encourage you to

like go ahead and read it like cuz it is

a it's a fascinating concept to me well

and I think it's an interesting way to

explore Kink too yes like you know it's

a cool lens to put Kink on that it's

like whole planet and that's the culture

like that's interesting but consent is

still involved and like you know all of

that still matters like yeah I could see

three and a half mhm

just not in the coffee just not in the

coffee not in the

coffee I take my coffee black anyway so

you're like I didn't before today I took

it with a lot of cream and sugar but

after today I drink my coffee black no I

actually have for a long time taking my

coffee coffee black I drank my coffee

black for several years but I also dated

a lot of Baristas back in the day and I

was like oh this I'm the cool girl I'm

too cool for cream and sugar yeah and

then I also to be

fair I was drinking very bougie coffee

at the time and so I think like there

are coffees that you're like oh this is

this doesn't need it yes yeah yeah and

then there have been eras where I'm like

we need every bit of coffee mate full

sugar creamer that this can get right as

long as it's not from a human tee yeah

and on that note folks Jesus

wept let us know how many cow bells you

would you would give this book cuz like

honestly I know we went 3.5 I could see

people going higher yeah and I could see

people being like this book really

wasn't for me and and going lower but

like yeah it

has more staying power than I ever

anticipated a book about hucows to have

yeah which kills me to say just the term

Hue cow is a lot to move through and so

I'm impressed just because of that I've

said it so many times with a straight

face yeah you have proud of myself for

that I'm proud of you let us know how

many cowbells don't forget to like

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thank you for taking the time to join us

on this very wild very fun adventure it

is not lost on us that like what a joy

it is to get to sit here and like review

ridiculous books so thank you truly for

joining us very much and we'll see you

next time yep bye smut [ __ ]

bye well that's it for this week's muts

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