Smut Club

well hello All You Beautiful

[Music]

People you know what time it

is ladies and gents Guys and Dolls and

everyone in

between gather around get you something

real nice to sip on and comfy to slip

on cuz it's time for smut Club here's

your hosts ch

and

[Applause]

Hannah hey everybody and welcome to smut

club I'm Hannah and I am Chelsea and

this is the podcast where we are two

licensed mental health therapists who

enjoy day drinking and reviewing romance

novels of varying caliber sometimes we

drink phto box and we're not sponsored

by them but it would would still be a

lot cooler if we were mhm it's never

going to not be cool

until we are sponsored you

know I do know but I heard it I heard

how I said it well puted yeah you know

me big words girl thriving over here

Master

Wordsmith 1,000%

um but today wait what are what are you

drinking did you go red or pink red I

think I asked you and then I did not

listen and I'm so sorry I feel like we

do that to each other every now and then

like a few weeks ago or months ago I

don't know I asked you what book you

were reviewing and you told me like six

times and I just like willfully chose to

just not process the information you

gave me but I feel like there are times

in my life when that happens I was like

I'll definitely remember it this time

yes and then the next time I'm like

apparently my brain just really did not

feel the need to like I have locked it

in eye contact I have it it's there it's

gone yep yep okay well all that said I

am drinking the

leftover peppermint schops and my coffee

from the deer monster claws yes

um which it's a bummer for you that it

gave you heartburn because quite frankly

this this coffee is delightful God I

don't know if it was the combo of the

schnaps the Bailey and the kala or if it

was just the schnaps but buddy

does peppermint tend to do that often no

so it makes me think it was something

about the the combo the combination of

the hard liquor with the cream base yeah

was a lot touche to process and I also

just want us to note Vance only made us

half he did half Z I'd have died you

wouldn't have driven home tell you that

much should go to the ER with an ulcer

not because of too much alcohol alol but

just because my body rebelled against

that situation I've never seen someone's

body hate peppermint white Russ that

much oh it was so much it was so

much yeah that's why I'm back on the

wine and I left the schnaps at your

house yeah so I'm drinking red today

partially in a nod to our book today

which is priest by Sierra Simone Oh

Sierra yeah I'm honestly surprised it's

taken us this long

to like get to a Sierra Simone review

yeah me too me

too cuz we I feel like she's a name that

like comes up often I've read often but

we've never actually reviewed her

today's the day perfect yeah oh now I

will say I actually haven't read priest

that is one that like has been on my

list forever and I know it's like picked

up some steam but I haven't read it and

the way you're

nodding I don't know if I if I'm okay I

guess at the end of this episode I'll

decide if I am just going to leave it to

you to read

so I have

decided that I have decid not that what

I did though was have you ever watched

the show Dairy

girls um I've seen the trailer for it I

have not actually watched it okay there

is a priest in that show that is

universally hated and it's very funny

and he's known for having incredible

hair and in the first episode that he is

introduced in he's this young guy with

Incredible hair he comes in and the the

girls are saying that they witnessed a

miracle a a statue

crying and so the priest is there to

investigate and he is like um this is

this is a major moment girls like we are

going to to uncover the answer

to the age-old question is God real and

then he gets this really far away look

in his eyes and he goes I mean is he or

have you just wasted your life Peter and

the girls are all sitting there and

they're like uh father like you doing

okay over there yeah so it turns out the

girls faked the miracle and so spoilers

yeah he decides oh we knew it was faked

from the beginning okay that's the whole

episode is them covering up the faking

of this miracle and so they he decides

to leave the priesthood because they

faked this miracle because he is very

attracted to his hairdresser so then in

the next episode where you see him he's

back and one of the girls in a room full

of other people is like he says you may

know I'm back from sabatical and she

says is that cuz the [ __ ] hair dresser

left

you in front of everybody a and he's

just like well so that's that is the

person I'm

imagining just universally hated and

universally hated with great hair but so

why is he universally hated is it okay

that's not even the point of this book

so so there's a nun in there her name is

Sister Michael okay she is genuinely my

favorite character she's so incredibly

dry and like um there's one episode

where some girl is really sick and one

of the other girls is the the nun is

saying like there's only one thing left

to do and she's like pray for her sister

and she goes [ __ ] no what would that

do and just her reaction to the priest

every time is like for [ __ ] sake okay

but but the question is why is the

priest so because he's so painfully

Earnest in everything that he's doing

and

just like

naive almost in how Earnest he is but

then also it doesn't feel genuine at the

same time and so it's this is important

in context for what we're the the priest

we're imagining walking highly recommend

if you have not seen Dairy girls highly

recommend it's

just it's just Irish humor and so

painfully dry which is it for me so this

book is completely from the priest's

point of view oh okay yeah yes which is

a very rare thing I feel like in Romance

to have just the male Point male point

of view I would agree yeah and normally

I really like the male point of view um

when it switches and so I was like okay

cool like this will be kind of a

different thing but now I'm realizing

it's not the male point of view it's

just the switching of it that like keeps

it

fresh so like you know what I'm saying

so there are moments where we kind of

switch to the female Maine but it's more

like when she's telling him about things

so in the prologue we

learn this priest is introducing himself

he says he's 29 years old his name is

Tyler and several months ago he broke

his vow of celibacy and this is his

confession and like that's the the

prologue so he is in reconciliation

which is confession and he is on his

side of the the booth um and there's

only one guy that ever really comes

consistently um and so he's you know

about to wrap it up cuz the guy finally

left and he's like thank [ __ ] I I can

get out of this tiny box and he's just

about to get up when somebody else sits

down and there's this really husky voice

on the other side um and she say she's

not Catholic but she saw the Church from

across the street

um and I'm sorry I know you just kind of

how how far back was this that this just

happened it just says several months ago

several months ago okay yeah um so um we

don't have an exact timeline of all of

this but it it gets so messy so fast I

don't know if it

matters so um she is like I just need

somebody to talk to and um I just need

to know that everything is going to be

okay and he tells her that it really

might not be okay but that is okay like

she's going to learn to adjust um and

she's going to learn how to keep living

and um he's he wants to know like why is

she he like what does she want to

confess and she says that she's not sure

if she should tell him because it's

carnal and she winds up kind of like

rushing out after thanking him for just

listen listening to her from the

beginning um and he but like it was it

it seems as though it was like kind of

vague the whole time yeah she's like I

did something bad but I don't feel bad

about it and that's what makes me think

I'm bad and like all that kind of stuff

so um he tries not to think about her

again she's gone but the next week she

comes back and

um he he really just wants to hold her

cuz she just sounds so like sad and lost

and he's thinking about how in other

parishes he's been in he's been a priest

for 3 years in other parishes he's been

in they don't have like the confessional

booths really anymore it's a room and

like you can hold somebody's hand or

like give them a pat on the back or

something and he's like I cannot wait

until we've saved enough to like

renovate this place or whatever so

that's what he's thinking the whole time

and then so she her name is Poppy and

she is trying to explain that um she

used to do bad things for work but she

doesn't feel bad about it so before you

move any further at all I just need you

to know that while you're imagining

Dairy girls priest this whole

time my toddler lives breathes and dies

the trolls franchise with with Princess

poppy So when you say poppy that

unfortunately it's going to be a little

pink troll doll forced by Anna Kendrick

like

Mar that's so

good oh no I was like oh no it had to be

poppy of course it did yes of I I am now

also going to imagine a little pink

troll doll and that's going to make this

even

better so she says she's starting a new

life and a new job and she's moved but

she just doesn't feel right she doesn't

feel like she

fits and Tyler is really trying to f

Focus um on her words and that she's

struggling and that she's having a hard

time Tyler doesn't sound like a priest

name it sounds like a middle school

youth pastor name I know that also was

very difficult I was like oh no we

couldn't give him like a a Mark or a

give him a gospel name [ __ ] hell you

could have gone obscure you could could

have gone Old Testament you could have

like gone Elijah or Elisha like sure you

have options

but but we went with Tyler we went with

Tyler that's a choice and we committed

to it the whole way

through so what's really difficult is

when people call him father Tyler like

that sounds like a last name that I

would be more comfortable with but

somehow it's worse in my head I'm like

you know big daddy

Tyler Papa

te so they step out of the booth at the

same time and immediately all he can

think about is shoving his dick in her

mouth that is like first thought wrong

thought like stuck in it and he realizes

in three years after he took his vows he

has never once really struggled to

remain celibate um that's called an

intrusive thought 100% And that's okay

intrusive thoughts happen we don't have

to act on them yep that's what you have

to learn about intrusive thoughts

Tyler hasn't learned

that sorry it was the eye contact for me

I did make really firm eye cont with

very like Tyler hasn't learned that I'm

like oh damn he really hasn't

so he is thinking back to before he took

his vows when he was kind of a Playboy

and could really have anybody he wanted

um but he's trying to focus on like like

not violating do we learn his origin

story we do okay so he's trying sort of

we she he's trying not to like objectify

her because he realizes that she is a

person who needs help she is like one of

God's children and he should be focused

on his role as a priest and like a a

counselor more so than getting

it

so like maybe this dick isn't what she

came to the church looking for yeah so

he decides that the next time she comes

in he is going to tell her that he can't

take her confession and recommend

another priest um so that way like you

know she will still get the support that

she needs and he can be mindful of his

vows and boundaries and everything which

is very commendable and respectable very

thoughtful um but from the eye contact

you gave me a few minutes ago oh the the

slow shaking of your

head so he is out for a jog he's

listening to Britney Spears and she like

poppy like arrives next to him

apparently also out for a run in a teeny

tiny sports bra

and um he gets a little weird like he's

like I got to get away from her like oh

my God she's so hot he's like I can't

like back away remember next time she

comes to the church you're going to tell

her you can't take her confession

anymore like trying to coach himself

through it and she's like he also

realizes she like touches his chest at

one point and is like smiling at him and

like laughing at him and he realizes

like

oh she's treating me like a gay bestie

because I'm a priest and I'm safe like I

need to chill the [ __ ] out he's like oh

[ __ ] like chill out well cuz when you

the way you initially said like she put

her hand on his chest I was like oh like

she was flirting with him and then

you're like like a gay bestie and I'm

like I see it now yeah yeah he's like

damn it so um he's like I know I'm a

priest but I hate that I'm friendzoned

literally so she is then like starts to

read that he's really uncomfortable and

she starts apologizing she's like I am

so sorry I didn't mean to make you

uncomfortable or anything like I I'm I'm

so so sorry and he's like nope I'm

really glad that you're here um and

exploring religion and if it's not for

you that's okay I know you're looking

for your place like even if it's not

with the church like I will help you

find it um and

she she said that maybe she'll keep

exploring because he's hot like with a

wink and again he's like yeah I get it

he's like damn it um but she's like

laughing and joking about it and he's

like

damn

it so um he has posted online that he

has office hours and she's like is it

okay if I come to those and he's like

see you in 30

minutes and then he's like I am [ __ ]

like what am I

doing because she had more she wanted to

confess because she wants to explore

religion more and stuff okay so

um I'm like good sir you could shut it

down he could have he didn't

so

um oh no that wasn't the 30 minutes

sorry he said yes come to the next open

Office hours whenever it is um and so

then he decides to go home on his one

day off a week to see his family he has

three brothers everybody's there for

family

dinner um does his family live local or

is it it's like an hour away this is

matter this is in

Missouri okay yeah I can't remember the

exact towns but St Louis is involved in

Kansas city is involved I think so um

you know under represented cities in the

smut Community sure shout out to the

Midwest I suppose um

so uh they his brothers Raz him for

being celibate and stuff um and one of

them is talking about going to this like

extremely exclusive strip club that's

like invite only and like you don't even

get to know the name and like all this

other [ __ ] and he's like I wonder if

maybe po poppy worked somewhere like

that like maybe that's what she was

talking about when she said she had a

job doing bad stuff but he's like now's

not the time stay focused because he

became a priest because of his little

sister um and we don't get the details

at this point but he decides he's going

to help poppy since nobody helped his

sister and so he is like adamant that he

is going to be there for her so we're

projecting mhm okay um and so the next

time he's out for a run he runs into her

again and this is when he says 30

minutes so she shows up and he is like

gameface ready to be empathetic ready to

be supportive like I am here for you on

your spiritual journey professionally

very much

so so so um she shares her backstory she

came from a ton of money graduated ivy

league all this stuff and then when she

finished her MBA she realized like she

was trapped and she hated it and she

didn't really want any part of it and so

she just left and she didn't touch her

trust fund and she didn't speak to her

parents again and it's been like 3 years

um like when they escaped the

Bergens yes exactly like that okay

that's that'll be my last trolls

joke it probably won't

be and I look forward to

it I look forward to the the [ __ ] eating

grin you get right before you say it and

then the looking down in shame that you

do right

after it's good to be known it's good to

be seen yep I'm here for you so um Tyler

then shares that his parents um weren't

supportive of him becoming a priest at

all and um trying to like connect with

her and explains that his sister was

abused by their priest growing up and

she left all the details along with all

the names of the other victims in her

suicide note and he's the one that found

her body um and so his family really

shunned the church after that completely

and the church shun to the family like

they were they were angry with his

sister more so than they were the priest

at that point and so

um poppy explains she just started

driving like they're doing a lot of

connecting and like back and forth at

this point so she explains that she got

in her car and just started driving and

wound up in Kansas City where she was

recruited for a a strip club um she

liked working there um and she goes into

a lot of detail about touching herself

in front of

customers um and how all she really

wanted then and all she really wants now

is to be

[ __ ] exact words mouth ass [ __ ]

doesn't even matter like what bold words

to say to a

priest in his office hours I know and

he's about to die he's like gripping the

chair the arm chair like I'm going to

die here but thankfully her phone goes

off like right at that moment

and so she has to leave for some reason

and immediately jerks off all over his

desk and there's like like a portrait of

St Augustine on the wall and he's like

don't judge me

like shut up Augie you don't

know so again he feels really bad that

he has basically like violated her trust

um by having these feelings towards her

and acting on them um and

so few days later he runs into her at a

coffee shop she um helps him with

spreadsheet stuff for fundraising for

the church and everything cuz she has

her MBA and he's terrible at it so he's

help she's helping him with that stuff

and for some reason I don't really

remember how it comes up but she

mentions that um no one has ever really

loved her and uh like

that's the that's part of the issue I

took with this book I would be

like what like this is not conversation

for a coffee shop while you're working

on spreadsheets also I like that she's

just like a full-fledged volunteer for

this church that she doesn't even belong

to belong to or necessarily like believe

in their God yeah she's just like here

to help

like she just likes the priest with the

good hair then I was like wait does he

have good hair or is that I think yes

but we don't actually really know what

he looks like because it's all from all

from his point of view yeah so um so she

actually did mention when she was

talking to him how much she loved

volunteering and how she would go to um

like I think she mentioned going to

Haiti after the earthquake to help there

and like she has a heart for service and

so she wants to engage with that more

um and he when she mentions not being

loved um he like grabs her hand and um

has this like fantasy of tying her up

like imagine putting a a rope around her

wrist while he's holding her hand in

this coffee shop and he's like I am a

bad bad

man um and so she they walk out together

and it turns out she lives on the same

street as the church and he's like of

course she does great love that I can

see her house from my [ __ ] room

awesome like oh

no um so she um mentioned something

about she decided to move to this small

town after Sterling found her but she

doesn't follow up with that and he

doesn't ask and so then she just says um

I'll see you like next week at your

office hours or whatever so the next

Monday he's working up to tell her that

he'll help her find someone else to talk

to but of course immediately he's like

never mind like as soon as she's in

front of him he's like

okay like okay I feel like at this point

I'm like getting a little frustrated

with him that's how I felt the whole

time oh good yeah okay yeah which is why

I'm imagining this like deeply hated

priest that I find amusing because it

helps me it helps me so poppy then tells

him the next time they meet that she had

been in love with a man named Sterling

and she thought they were going to get

married they'd been on and off for a

while but then she got his wedding

invitation in the mail and that's part

of kind of why she took off and he

showed up at the strip club a month ago

and told her that um he never could have

married her because she's not wife

material she's a [ __ ] and she likes it

too

much um and he couldn't take her to like

because she likes it too much yeah isn't

that a good thing a selling shouldn't

you want her to be into it but he's like

I can't take you to like company dinners

and things like that everybody's going

to want to [ __ ] you and it's like okay

ew also [ __ ] that guy that you're not

letting them [ __ ] you right like someone

thinking you're attractive I can't date

you anymore because you're too

attractive other people will want you

yeah so I married someone else that I

can take to the holiday party to hang

out with my coworker Tammy from

accounting the [ __ ] so all I can think

about is that time that some dude hit on

you and you told Vance and he high-fived

you yeah that was lovely that was so

good

yeah well let's let's not forget I was 5

months you were super pregnant yeah I

was 5 months pregnant in a

swimsuit just trying my best out there

and you were doing your best apparently

apparently yeah trying and achieving

listen free drinks are free

drinks yes they are

and like I make more than I made when I

was 20 but I'll still always take a free

drink if it's offered like that uh that

girly girl song that's on um been on Tik

Tok recently that's like um I don't need

money from a man I have my own but I

will take money from a man like yes go

ahead and give me some money that sounds

great 1,000% I was like absolutely and

my husband will let you buy me drink yes

cuz we share a bank account

[Laughter]

honestly in this economy you do what you

got to do um so Sterling tells her that

he's been looking for her for three

years because she belongs to him um wait

what yep and he tells her all about how

what her life would be like if she would

just finally agree to be his mistress

because that's all she's ever going to

be good for anyway and so I don't like

him no he's pretty terrible um and he

continues to tell her all of this while

they [ __ ] in this strip club and she

knew he was married and she knew it was

wrong and she did it

anyway and Tyler is losing his mind

listening to this story and he wants to

commit murder but he's also Wicked

turned on at the same

time um

so she says like

I'll go kill him as soon as you give me

a few minutes right give me a moment so

she you have a pillow by any

chance sorry what were you going say a

pillow so um she says that Sterling was

right she is a [ __ ] and even

now and she like like stops talking and

she moves to leave and before before he

even realizes what he's doing he is out

of his side of the booth and like in

front of her kind of blocking her way

demanding that she explain herself and

like finish her sentence and backs her

up into the

piano um and tells her to turn around

and he realizes she is not wearing

underwear and are they in they're in his

office hours they're in a restaurant

where they were in the um confessional

that time it's all random places in the

church mostly that they bang

actually no that's well you said the

booth and then you said the piano oh

sorry and I was like logistically I just

have a couple question like the booth at

the coffee shop yes I was like I was

like well maybe he has a piano in his

office but why would he have a booth in

his office this makes we're tracking now

tring just in the main sanctuary yes

logistically so um

so he spanks her um wait what because

she's not wearing any underwear and she

did it on purpose and she had been

touching herself while confessing and he

eats her out and then immediately feels

super guilty yeah that face is correct

that face is correct that went from 6:00

to midnight real fast yep yep wait so

she was masturbating while she was

confessing yep did he know when that was

happening it was just she so when he

realized she wasn't wearing underwear he

was like why did you do that you came

here with no panties on purpose tell me

why were you touching yourself she's

like

yeah maybe could have been I don't

know so um he immediately is like what

the [ __ ] have I done because this Parish

the former priest had been um terrible

um and so he has done a lot to like

repair the relationship with the

community and he's like cool cool cool I

just bent somebody over the piano and

ate them out in the sanctuary where

anyone could have walked in like what

the [ __ ] is wrong with me maybe wipe it

down before glattus gets there for music

practice right Myrtle will not be

impressed and so um after

she comes he tries to like back away but

she starts feeling him up and telling

him like what a good man he is and this

is the other part of this book that I

struggled with so

immensely um they just like rub all over

each other to

completion and he's like doesn't count

no penetration so it doesn't count as

breaking my vals okay when you say rub

all over each other I mean

like [ __ ] on dick without

penetration okay just some nice dry

humping it didn't sound like it was dry

sounded like there was a situation well

there was fabric to absorb absorb the

moisture oh no no no no it was skin to

skin cuz she wasn't wearing any

underwear she pulled her skirt up and he

pulled his pants down oh I missed the

pants I didn't I don't think I mentioned

the pants I don't think it's in my notes

but that will continue continue to live

rent free for me because I'm like Jesus

wept well no still not as bad as altered

by fire when they accidentally killed

the N I know right I did think that

through this too I like put the prayer

candle up her ass could have been worse

could have killed a

nun which also incidentally happens in

Dairy

girls

so so they

just just some old school high school

youth group yes as long as there's no

penetration it doesn't count yep and so

they don't even speak to each other she

just gets up and

leaves that's it so then Millie who is

Tyler's very old parishioner shows up um

to his house she very often comes to the

parish and like will bring food and

things like that and she immediately

knows that something is wrong um and she

knows it probably has to do with poppy

because she had seen them in the coffee

shop and seen how like close they looked

mhm but she's really sweet about it and

she tells him that there is nothing

wrong with being a man and having

feelings and like whatever and Tyler's

like nope I was about to say good for

you Millie but before I say that is that

the right response yeah Millie is very

kind

listen there's a lot of left turns in

this book so I felt like I was about to

be oh you know Millie way to go I really

rooted for most everybody except for

Tyler and Poppy I was like you guys

[ __ ] suck like oh my God I can't

[ __ ] stand it

so um he is now like deciding he's going

to double down on his

um uh his vows he knows he may a mistake

can't happen again he's leading men's

bible study that night and it happens to

be on sexuality and of course and so

then he is doing okay until he gets to

um that one verse in Romans that ends

with um what a Wretched Man I am and

that becomes like his Mantra like over

and over like what a Wretched Man I am

like every time he thinks of anything

what a Wretched Man I am he's

insufferable just like go to [ __ ]

therapy man thank you um

so he now feels like he took advantage

of her because she was vulnerable and

looking for help and like he couldn't

keep himself together and he's a

terrible

person

so go ahead well no cuz I feel like

we're just like sure believe it okay I

don't even give a [ __ ] of you I'm not

going to be like no you're so incredible

I'm just like you are an active partic

participant in your current unhappiness

and yes take [ __ ] accountability bro

yes don't just like [ __ ] and like go

wo is me saying wo is me is not true

accountability yeah

and there's the other character that I

very much rooted for in this basically

tells him that is like we'll get there

so Tyler goes for another run

essentially to punish himself and he

winds up at um the Tabernacle in the

sanctuary um

and I forgot how much of like how much

artifacts are involved in Catholicism in

the sacraments yeah and I was like

Tabernacle oh yeah there's one of those

in every Catholic Church I'm not going

to lie you said the word Tabernacle and

I also paused and went yeah huh oh yeah

yeah like I literally like wait a minute

oh like that makes sense so he winds up

at the Tabernacle which is at the front

of the church for our listeners who are

not uh Catholic or don't know anything

about Catholicism bless

you and you know go with God or whatever

so so so

okay you know in Star Wars

where it's like May the force be with

you right

mhm I didn't know I went to Catholic

church with a friend and I didn't know

that they

say may peace be with you and also with

you with you right I didn't like fully

track that and

then so I had a really hard time after

that when people would say May the force

be with you I just wanted to say and

also with you which is not Hann I did I

did

I would I have no I know it's not a

unique experience but like half of this

book I was like is this my own religious

issues that I'm reacting to or is this

the book itself and I think it is a VIN

diagram that's a circle

so well right because I I do feel

like obviously altered by fire was it

was different wild nobody had taken vows

in that there was another book that I

read where a priest had taken vows and

at one point he used the prayer beads as

anal beads like you did specifically ask

me if that was going to happen no that

yeah because because it stood out to me

right in a it sounds like not a good

idea well but also just in that way

where like reading books that have these

like religious components to it mhm I I

do agree that like there's some of like

hey I know part of this is me reacting

from my own experiences mhm and also you

did just [ __ ] her with the the prayer

beads or like yeah you know you you did

still do it and you are a little

insufferable so maybe yeah so I'm giving

you less credit cuz I don't like you so

so he's at the Tabernacle on his knees

sobbing his eyes out because he just

feels so bad about everything and

begging to be forgiven and then he just

has this overwhelming sense of like

peace and he feels god with him and this

happens multiple times in the book where

he's like God is here and I'm like is he

or did the air conditioner turn

on cuz he's like I felt to chill you

just ran like 12 miles and you're

covered in sweat I think it's cuz you're

anemic right

so I'm not getting less annoyed with it

go I know I know that's why I was

worried about doing this and why I had

to come up with a strategy so I didn't

absolutely outright [ __ ] on him the

whole time so the next few days are very

uneventful but Friday poppy shows up to

mass and he does fine until he touches

her to give her the blessing because if

you are not confirmed Catholic you

cannot take communion in a Catholic

church but you can can be a part of it

by receiving a blessing from the priest

instead of receiving the

sacrament and so to be blessed the

priest essentially like holds the top of

your head and makes the sign of the

cross on your forehead and he just feels

this like overwhelming connection to her

and after Mass she stays behind so they

can talk and they they talk about

religion and he's like God she's so

smart and I really like the way her

brain works and she says she'd really

like to volunteer cuz she wants to know

more about the church and she would like

to be involved so she volunteers for the

pancake breakfast the next

day um and he then starts to realize

like this is not just she's super hot

like I I am developing feelings for her

like this is worse somehow yeah I don't

just I don't just want to bend her over

the church piano right I want to know

more about her I want to know her heart

I want to penetrate her heart as much as

I want to penetrate the rest

yikes yes but it did still feel ACC like

yikes like I don't love it but I also

can't not wrong so the breakfast goes

great Tyler feels great he's like this

is wonderful and then he and Poppy wind

up being the last two

there um and

then they wind up somehow talking about

if anyone especially a woman can be

truly good

it's like this weird philosophical thing

of like whatever Eve yeah and he's like

Forget About Eve like humans or humans

whatever um and she he he's like you are

incredible and you are loved by God no

matter what blah blah blah and so then

she finally tells him that Sterling

called her and left a message because

she left Kansas City after he found her

in an effort to again get away from him

and he said that he is coming for her

again and she's like I'm not doing this

again like I'm not going with him I'm

not saying yes Sterling bro where the

[ __ ] does your wife think you are yeah

it so it's very clear that like his wife

is a business Arrangement this is we're

talking like the social register level

of like social class of like your family

is listed in the very special book do

you know what I'm talking about like

that's the social level where talking

about and so it was a business

Arrangement essentially his marriage and

his he's like my wife knows what's up

she didn't give a [ __ ] she didn't love

me either my wife doesn't love me I

don't love her I'll never love you but

you do belong to me you [ __ ]

yeah okay yep

yeah so um

resign so

um so Tyler tells her like I really

don't like this like I'm worried he

could be dangerous like you know men are

always dangerous when they want what

they can't have and she's like like you

their father and like walks out like

she's really pissed at him for like the

way that he's talking to her which again

I don't really understand okay that

makes me feel better cuz I'm like I feel

like I missed something I guess it's

because she says like I'm not going to

talk to him like I'm not going to do

this again and he's like are you sure

like be careful like I don't know and

she's like I know my own mind like I'm

not going to do it again but also like

you have no right to be concerned about

it if I do anyway kind of so then she

shows up at his house at 3:00

a.m. um with scotch in the rain and her

pajamas to apologize for freaking

out and he's like well love that she

like fight flight or freeze flight yeah

But like followed by

Fawn right but I'm like with a very

small like distress tolerance threshold

there it's like a strong Breeze can make

her flee yeah I'm like no you don't just

like get to be this

reactive but she

will because then she goes in and and

he's like well I have to let her in it's

raining it's dark she's cold I should

hear her out and the whole time I'm like

you are painfully full of [ __ ] yep from

the jump and I think that's what

irritates me like just be honest about

it yes like just be straight up well

especially cuz when you do that like oh

I just like couldn't help it I'm so weak

no you did what the [ __ ] you wanted to

do right you made choices that led to

this bigger choice that now has bigger

consequences like you [ __ ] did

that

anyway I got fired up about that because

he really irritates me so bad I get it

well I like I felt myself getting

irritated earlier and I didn't even read

it that's why you were like I haven't

read it yet but maybe I will and I

wanted to be like no you won't you'll be

too annoyed

yeah um so he apolog like they

apologized to each other and she gets

kind of mad that he thinks he took

advantage of her um and starts to walk

out and then he grabs her she goes to

apologize for being reactive and walking

out yeah and then reacts and walks out

yeah and so as she's Le she's no better

than him like to be clear like she's

just as irritating so as she starts to

leave he grabs her and he's like just

one more time and then he puts her on

her knees and tells him tells her to

suck him

off he's like one more

time and she is just like okay she's

very into it um and then after she sucks

his dick for a while he tells her to go

get on the kitchen

counter um and

then he goes in like an inch and then

Jacks himself off and still is like it

doesn't count

like just the head of his dick is in and

when I tell you all I could think about

was [ __ ]

Mormons I was like is this the opposite

of soaking is this a different kind of

soaking I don't know who can say not

me um there was a group of guys I was

friends with in grad school were all

roommates and like they were like a

great group of guys like every Thursday

night was like open party at their house

and when I say party I mean like

pingpong and like like yeah just a good

place to hang out yes very very much so

but we'll always remember one of their

house rules was the tip doesn't count

unless you want it

to that's very good he didn't want it to

count but I'm like the the tip does

count it does even if you don't want it

to

yeah you're like no no no it's not like

you have to penetrate three Ines for it

to

count but like the bargaining I think is

so fresh cuz the bargaining feels

like like Purity culture bargaining and

I think for you and I and our

upbringings like that greats us in a

very particular way yeah it's extra icky

for me and so she like begs him not to

pull out she wants him to come inside

her she's on birth control whatever but

that's like one of her like I don't you

I don't think you can really call that a

kink she's just super into it um and so

he does and then she says um that she

will see him at Mass tomorrow and they

will start

over sure cuz that's how that works all

right clean

late

yep reset the scoreboard all right

I like a couple whenever we La whenever

we reviewed seeing double or whatever it

was called and I was just getting

visibly more frustrated as we went yeah

I feel like that's you right now yeah

because then I think about um I believe

it was on Supernatural That's like I

guess a thing now for me I haven't

watched that show in years but there's

at one point Dean goes to like this

thing to be a born again virgin so he

can like become a virgin again and

that's what I think of I'm like okay

sure whatever so yeah there's a pill for

that Tyler gets a call from his boss the

bishop and there's a pill for

that sorry

okay so Tyler's on the phone with his

boss I'm just struggling so bad and

Tyler as he's talking to his boss the

bishop who is somebody he really

respects he's realized that he has

destroyed his own faith in himself and

he needs to go to

confession so

um he and Poppy are continuing to kind

of get closer to explore their faith

literally though because they're like

talking about fundraising events and

like she's asking questions about

scripture and asking for help to learn

to pray and like all this other

stuff so when I was in college my

college

boyfriend we' met in like a Church

College Bible study group sort of thing

and he had recently had a breakup from

like a long-term

girlfriend uh and it was it came down to

religion he'd grown up in the the

Christian church he had stepped away

that's when they started dating he then

returned to the Christian church and was

like oh can't can't date her anymore we

can't be unequally yolked you get it so

then he go so then he goes hey CH how

you doing right um but then like

probably two months somewhere like early

on into US dating we're he calls me one

day and he's like I don't even remember

this girl's name but he was like Hey so

uh she has started going to church

and uh is a is a is a Christian now and

she's asked me to spend some time with

her um like showing her how to pray like

answering her questions about scripture

and I was

like I need you to to hear back

everything you just said to

me let's think I'm like it it could all

very much be true but I'm like it seems

little like

maybe she's trying to get

it no shame girl yeah more power to you

yeah um but maybe don't say my boyfriend

I now believe that Jesus cross died on

the cross for my sins and rose again 3

days later as a way to get dick down I

don't know if that there are other

options there're so much easier ways

plot twist that's not my

husband a call back

so um as poppy is asking before so

Tyler's Confessor the person who

receives his confession is in a

different town right so it's something

he kind of has to schedule so he hasn't

been yet but when poppy asks for help

learning to pray Tyler tells her to come

to the sanctuary that night and when he

comes in he sees her crying at the

altar and he realizes direct quote God

is talking to

Poppy maybe she's just upset

dude maybe it is God what do I know so

he doesn't want to interrupt but then he

feels like he's part of the moment with

her and so they wind up making out and

it is a quote religious experience and

they feel God so she's like is it always

like this um and he's like no not always

like sometimes you feel God and

sometimes you don't like yeah sometimes

your partner gets you there and

sometimes they don't it's just a thing

you know like you have to communicate no

one bats a thousand you have to

communicate

openly with open communication you can

feel God more

regularly you can have more satisfying

religious experiences when you

communicate with your partner I'm so

sorry I'm so sorry sorry oh my God

so sweet suffering

Jesus he walks her home he really is and

they confess to each other that like

they want to be together like they're

tired of this game that they're playing

and so she says she's going out of town

for a few days so he fingers her in the

backyard to hold her over till they can

get together again as one does they have

phone sex poppy shows up at the church

lots of spanking and degradation and

like you like that whatever um they do

remember to lock the sanctuary doors

this time this is like on the altar at

the front of the

sanctuary he ties her up um with I can't

remember the name of it and even if I

did I probably wouldn't try to say it

because I wouldn't pronounce it

correctly but it's the the like rope

that is tied around a priest's robes

when they do mask yes

he uses that to tie her up

which when a priest puts on like the

different parts of his whole situation

before Mass there are like prayers and

invocations that they do as they put

them on and the one for that is

Purity and he ties her up with

it over the altar so he can [ __ ]

her so um he gets consent at this point

I need more to surprise me cuz I'm like

I like this none of it will I don't

think well I'm like okay this is what I

expect you know I expect him to use the

Purity rope yep to tie to the altar yep

he makes her choke on his dick he lays

her out and finally [ __ ] her like

really really hard and then there's

after care where he's like taking care

of her so apparently he was like in the

BDSM scene before he became a priest and

so like he's aware of like what he needs

to do so there's good after care and

then there's more [ __ ] and then they

almost declare love but he kind of stops

her cuz he's not ready for that um and

then is after care the one redeeming

part of Tyler that doesn't frustrate me

in this book yes like he does a good job

of like taking care of her afterwards

and making sure that she's okay and like

she's drinking water and you know she's

eating and

everything so then they talk after

sneaking back into his house he shares

more about like his sister and the pain

of losing her

um and she shares more about Sterling

and Tyler is really jealous that

Sterling can pursue her and he can't

that's his takeaway and I'm like you're

a punk ass

[ __ ]

sorry she is naked in your bed bro

like whatever I don't know that

feels like obviously not quite the same

but when people are like oh my gosh this

person like hit on my my husband or like

hit on my you have a legally B you won

like yeah it what are you jealous of

yeah like at this point respectfully you

kind of just need to look in within

yourself as to why this is triggering

something in you because like nothing

outside of this should really be evoking

this response in you the man is [ __ ]

stalking her and you're like I wish I

could stalk her yeah she's naked in your

bed what more do you want like you've

literally come like three times now

shouldn't you be more

relaxed oh my God

so she starts to say like what are we

going to do like valid question and he's

like I'm not ready to go there and so he

eats her out to like distract her from

that conversation which becomes relevant

later so um poppy is gone the next

morning and Tyler is like freaking out

because he's like oh my god did she get

what she wanted from me and now it's

over did I throw everything away for

nothing and he like spirals for no

reason I'm like every time you just gave

a new Tyler fact I'm just like what a

[ __ ] I feel like my tone is getting

more and more

agitated so my strategy is falling apart

come on Peter okay so um poppy still

shows to the pancake breakfast but she

like really avoids him

completely um and when they do finally

talk poppy tells Tyler that she's just

so guilty and

overwhelmed that she did this to him

that like she could be ruining his life

and his career and all of his principles

and she just feels really

awful and

um he doesn't know what to say and so he

just starts confession he's like how

long has it been since your last

confession cuz he doesn't know what to

do and I'm like okay again you're a punk

ass

[ __ ] um so then she tells him that she

has been fantasizing about anal he takes

her to his office and he uses holy

oil as lube

fine he's and he goes into so much

detail too about like this was blessed

by the bishop last year on such and such

Saints Day or whatever the [ __ ] and I'm

like mhm I don't think any of that

matters when you're rubbing it around

her brown

eye

hey so um there's more good after care

all that's really great and then he

gives poppy his sister's

rosary and declares his love

but he will not let her say it back

so Tyler finally [ __ ] makes it to

confession and he gets there and the

priest is a really good friend of his

from Seminary and he immediately is like

go home like before Tyler can even say

anything he's like go

away and um he's like I know that you

broke your vows and I know that you're

not going to stop because this guy is

supposedly like super spiritual and

really does like talk to God all the

time it's not an just an East blowing

wind

correct um and um he's like come back

when you are actually ready to

repent I'm not going to tell anybody but

I will not receive your confession just

to do this with you again in a couple of

weeks good luck so then there respect

respect on this man all see I liked him

I like him I like Millie yeah I'm

rooting for the real ones out here yes

so then um my notes just say immediately

after that more

anal I was clearly over it at this point

so poppy tells Tyler that she really

can't do this much longer that um she

doesn't want to ruin his life but she

wants to actually be able to be with him

and he doesn't really respond and so she

asks him to leave and when he gets home

Millie is in his kitchen and it's the

middle of the night and um she explains

she knows about poppy that he is not as

subtle as he thinks she he is like

sneaking back from her house um Millie

has seen him repeatedly but he's a good

man and a good priest and she just wants

him to be careful she's not going to

tell anybody she just wants him to be

careful so he's a mess

and after mask after

mask after MK who should be there but

Sterling and he is there with pictures

of him and Poppy kissing he doesn't have

any like anything more explicit but even

that is enough um to really ruin him and

um he says that he's just scoping out

the competition but that Poppy will be

his in the

end um and so people aren't

property well I

know Sterling has not received that

message quite frankly I feel like even

if Sterling had received that message

he'd go this isn't applicable to me and

my life choices yeah he would put it in

the filing cabinet that's the garbage

can if you sorry okay so Tyler's

freaking out he tries to call Poppy she

doesn't answer um he he goes to her

house her car is there but she's not and

so later he then gets a text from

Sterling and it's a photo of poppy in a

car and Tyler continues to freak out and

be really angry that she is leaving him

for someone else which

again nobody said that dude

like just took a hop skip and a jump all

the way to the end I feel like Tyler is

the embodiment of that Meme that's like

not me jumping to conclusion

like a GYN in a full split sort of

energy yes but then he's like am I even

allowed to be

angry I shouldn't have been doing any of

this in the first place so he gets super

drunk and decides that he should work

out while drunk poppy shows up the next

day um and he just tells her you're not

allowed to talk and puts her on her

knees and jerks off all over her um and

he because he realizes he should not

[ __ ] her when he's like this like that's

the the best that he can do at that

point because he doesn't want to hurt

her I guess just a

greater cuz that's not hurtful so she

takes care of him like quite

frankly that was maybe worse to me yeah

right and I can't say that to for I I

can't say that to everyone but I'm like

I it's not good yeah you're too angry to

[ __ ]

me because you're afraid you'll hurt me

oh okay sorry just just making sure I'm

processing and tracking all this

correctly yeah so she actually winds up

taking care of him and like gets him in

bed um and she says they'll talk when

when he wakes

up so

um she tells him when he finally gets up

that they're going on a date get dressed

we're going out so they go to Kansas

City but she won't tell him where

they're going she explains that she did

spend time with Sterling um

but she wouldn't go with him nothing

happened with him she continues to tell

him no um but Tyler doesn't think that

Sterling is really done with it um but

she winds up taking him to the strip

club where she used to work in a private

room they role play um so she wants him

to fully let go and this is again where

I was like I get it you've read the

Bible because it's all Herod talk with

like the you know herod's dancers or

whatever and talk about Esther as she

like sacrificed her body for her people

or whatever the

[ __ ] so um he puts her on a leash and

[ __ ]

her before coming all over her face my

notes say another religious

experience and in his mind he's like

this is marriage we're married

now

what

wait it's like the delusional way his

brain is trying to make it okay to be

like we're married now like what

by whose standard are you married now

and if you say it's because we felt God

while we were making out that is not an

acceptable answer I'm like you can also

feel God from eating a very special kind

of brownie like that's not you know what

I'm saying like it's cool man chill out

he has no cool so not in like a fun

retriever Energy Way NOP

mm so the next day he has already

decided that this is the last Mass he's

ever going to do and he's going to marry

poppy he leaves a voicemail for the

bishop um with his resignation and then

he goes to propose to Poppy finally

feeling like this is it like that

religious experience at the strip club

was my message from God that like being

with poppy isn't wrong this is what

we're supposed to be doing this is what

God wants for

me so um she had been at Mass he's

really excited to see her but when he

gets there Sterling is there and he sees

her or he sees them kissing and he is

utterly destroyed and just starts

driving away um he doesn't have his

phone with him um he's just gone until

he shows up at his confessor's house who

is also his friend

um he confesses everything tells and his

friend is like okay your Penance is to

spend one day with God and Tyler's like

nope needs to be more than that like how

many [ __ ] hail marries do you have to

do to make up for what I've done like

come on dude he's like nope one day in

contemplation with God because that's

what you need right what you want is to

punish yourself what you need is to

reconnect with your faith

so um Tyler stays with his friend um and

he also comes to the conclusion he wants

to remain in the priesthood if he can't

be with poppy he truly was just leaving

to be with her he actually loves being a

priest and like being able to help other

people so then the phone rangs at like 2

a.m. and it is the bishop photos of him

and poy were released online and he

needs to

resign Tyler says though that he wants

to stay even though that would mean

moving to a new Parish um and that is if

the Cardinal who is above the bishop

will approve they'll talk more later so

then when he is in his like Penance

contemplation with God he realizes that

he shouldn't leave the church for poppy

that he needs to make the decision for

himself and he wants the freedom to help

other people in whatever way he feels is

Right rather than having it dictated by

the church so he quits he moves in with

his brother everybody's actually super

supportive he actually becomes a major

internet meme because of the the photos

that were listed or released online um

he's got a fan club um it's been a

couple of months and he has heard

nothing from poppy so the last time he

saw her was at mass and then when she

was kissing Sterling in her house that's

the last he saw of her

did she reach out to him and he didn't

reply at all or just like okay nope he

went back to her house after he had

disappeared for a couple of days with

his friend he went back to her house and

it was completely empty she's moved and

he hasn't figured out how to reach her

okay um so he assumes that she took

Sterling up and she's gone um so he

decides to go to the club for closure um

because she was still working for them

as like a an accountant essentially and

he's like if anybody will be able to get

a message to her it's them yeah um but

when he gets there um she has quit there

nobody knows where she is or what's

going on with her but she did leave his

sister's Rosary for

him um and so he needs to accept that

like he loved her more than she loved

him and he can't keep doing this anymore

mhm so he goes to Kenya for seven

months yep okay to dig Wells or

whatever I really hope they had

a partnering organization over there

because Tyler does give the energy of a

man who just like [ __ ] gets off a

plane in Kenya and it's like I'm here to

help I feel God more in this

heat oh no

oh God

okay nope okay so um he also has decided

he's going to go back to school for his

PhD he still has dreams about poppy um

and he decides that when he gets back

he's going to go find her and give her

the rosary back because it was a gift it

wasn't about that but he really feels

like it would be good for both of them

to have closure even though she really

hurt him he understands now that

like it was right for him to leave on

his own and like he needed this time for

growth and stuff

clearly so um he searches for months

once he gets back um and he can't find

her anywhere but right before he is

supposed to be going back to school he

finally goes to see Sterling he's like I

don't know where poppy is but I know

where Sterling is um cuz he's like you

know in high up in business so whatever

major business guy in in the midwest so

he gets there and Sterling is like how

is she and he's

like nope that's my line my guy I

what so she wasn't with him this whole

time she left both of them and neither

knew um and apparently after Tyler saw

them kissing Poppy had punched Sterling

in the mouth um and kicked him out which

is why he released the pictures of the

two of them because he was bitter about

it and um even still even though she he

hasn't spok spoken to her and it's been

like 10 months at this point even though

he hasn't spoken to her he knows where

she is um and so he gives him an address

for a dance

studio and it turns out she has opened

like a a free dance studio in like a

really rough area in New York to like

help local kids and stuff so he she

isn't in the studio but he sees a church

nearby and so he just goes there on

Instinct um and there she is um poppy

explains like she's crying and

apologizing what was she doing in the

new church she was praying sure she was

I just have Madonna stuck in my

head which again is a different

challenge um so poppy said that she knew

that he'd see her kiss Sterling and she

wanted him to hate her so that he could

move on because

repeatedly she tried to tell him how

guilty she was for what they were doing

and how she was hurting him and how she

could see it was tearing him apart what

they were doing and he refused used to

listen to her every time and she was

like if this was the only way I was

going to get you to leave me and like

maybe be able to salvage your career as

a priest like that's what I was going to

do which again doesn't make any sense

but poppy did what she

did so then he feels guilty that um he

didn't listen oh my [ __ ] gosh so then

they both apologize and then he proposes

to her and in the church and then they

[ __ ] in the church

that and

then epilog would you like to hear my

notes oh no they're [ __ ] in a church

again this time it's on their wedding

day the

end

woo huh

wow

huh I'm going have to sit with that one

for a minute and by that I mean sit with

our review of it I don't mean sit down

and read it because I think I wouldn't

recommend it would be too

frustrated yeah yeah and I think part of

it is like I processed all this like

weird Purity culture stuff a long time

ago and so reading it is

like

yes but also I really don't like the

like push and pull stuff I'm like [ __ ]

or get off the pot like you know yes I

which is a personal preference I think

the push and pull there are sometimes

where I don't mind it but I do think

when you're like mix mixing in religious

bargaining it

feels less fun to me personally mhm

um prayer beads altars Purity ropes

what's our rating

system himnos

pianos not a tabernacle pianos are are

pretty big they're pretty big they're

888 piano keys 88 okay yeah so out of 88

piano keys that he [ __ ] her

on what out of 88 is our final

[Music]

store [ __ ]

man okay

oh like

25 okay I'm trying to be really nice I

really hated it so

[Laughter]

much and that's okay you're allowed to

hate it I am allowed to hate it what I

did

appreciate

was like uh it was clear that there was

some understanding of like the actual

BDSM lifestyle in it that I didn't fully

touch on but like he took good care of

her he was clear about

consent he made sure that she was safe

like those things were good I

appreciated that I really liked Millie I

didn't get how like absolutely sassy she

was but it was very

enjoyable

um you know but also

like there was really no plot like the

relationship being a secret was the plot

yeah the push and pull of yeah their

relationship won't we mhm and you're

like well clearly the book's about y'all

so I have a feeling you probably will

right yeah yeah yeah um because even

Sterling in the end was not a bad

guy he was

like I mean he was but he also wasn't

Tyler went to see him and he was

like Sterling was like can understand

that she's her own

person she said no I've let her go he's

like I mean I followed her until I knew

where she was but I did Chase her for

several years but I haven't I haven't

had a pi on her in about 6

months

progress yeah what a weird metric we're

using for which characters are good in

this book because you're like well

comparatively I guess none of them are

it's Millie and Julian who is the

Confessor those are the only two that

I'm like y'all are all

right into it so 25 out of 88 piano keys

yep is our final offer mhm let us know

how many piano keys you would choose cuz

I I do feel like this is a book that's

like picked up a lot of momentum because

people have very different experiences

so I feel like some people like have

really loved it and I feel like there

are some people who landmor the you and

I camp where we're like huh they were

insufferable and it probably touched on

our personal [ __ ] a little too much to

like want to put up with how sufferable

they are well and like I could see for

somebody else that it could be kind of

like empowering to read or like

cathartic to read in some way but like

that was definitely not my experience

so

yeah yeah the holy oil I was like okay

because at some point it just felt like

the religious artifacts were being

involved strictly for like a shock value

and it it didn't actually add to the

story and I was

like okay unless the prayer candle in

your ass kills a

nun I don't want it not into it all

right 25 out of 88 let us know how many

you would rate it don't forget to like

subscribe share with your friends um

every review truly does help and please

also send us your recommendations we

love to have them we love to read them

we sometimes love to [ __ ]

on thank you for coming on this journey

as well cuz I feel

like it was

one it was indeed a journey see youall

next time mut [ __ ] bye SM

puppies well that's it for this week's

mut [ __ ] we hope it was good for you

cuz it sure was great for us if you're

digging what we're doing it would mean a

lot if you'd take a minute to rate and

review the show wherever you're

listening right now maybe tell that sexy

someone to lend us an ear we love you we

appreciate you and we'll see you next

week stay spoty

[Music]