Smut Club

well hello All You Beautiful

[Music]

People you know what time it

is ladies and gents Guys and Dolls and

everyone in

between gather around get you something

real nice to sip on and comfy to slip

on cuz it's time for smut Club here's

your hosts elsea and

[Applause]

[Music]

Hannah hey everybody and welcome to

smoke club I'm Hannah and I am Chelsea

and this is the podcast where we are two

licensed mental health therapists who

really enjoy day drinking and reviewing

trashy not trashy enjoy reviewing

romance novels a varying caliber is our

elevator line right a varying Cali

and this is a the the holiday remix

woohoo yes yes I'm actually really

excited about this one I chose it just

because of the title and then got into

it and was like okay like this is

actually cute the title was very

intriguing but it was also funny cuz you

the whole time you've been like Chelsea

I've been trying not to talk to you

about this book I've been trying to save

all of it I've had so many thoughts

about this book so many thoughts and it

is all I wank for

Christmas by Tori Ross yeah I was like

all I wank all wank for Christmas just

making sure I heard that right I was

like wank is in the title yes the answer

is yes what a confidence in your writing

that you're like putting wank in the

title and I'm not saying that factiously

I'm like yeah you know exactly what

you're getting yeah and there's there's

no [ __ ] footing about no Tori went for

it Tori Tori was like I'm going to fully

send this [ __ ] and I've read nothing

else from her I think she has like more

holiday stuff I'll have to explore more

but

like this one I wasn't sure what I was

expecting at all but I actually wound up

enjoying

it we often talk about the need to

suspend belief about things

and this requires an immense amount of

suspension so what I hear you actually

saying is Chelsea I know you ask a lot

of clarifying

questions and I'm going to need you to

re that in because there will be no

answer

none none at all and so when I was

outlining I was like okay do I need that

detail probably not and now that I'm

sitting here here I'm like I remember

most of it though so hopefully I will be

able to answer questions that you have

but we're going to find out so we open

with

Holly of course we do naturally so she

is actually a CPA she's Highly Educated

all that good stuff but um she had to

move back home to this very small town

because her mom is really sick and her

younger sister is in college and so she

pays for her sister's school she pays

the mortgage she is single-handedly

essentially supporting them um because

and I have a lot of um euphemisms in

here we're already at the first one

she's excellent at shaking the

president's hand which is hand jobs so

she she got a job at the happy Stroke

Club which is a it's a rub and tug

massage parlor basically okay so she's

not working remotely as a CPA back in

her hometown n that's where I that was

the narrative I'd been filling like so

she had to move home but it's okay she

works remote no office commute for her

nope she really tried to find a job and

she just couldn't and eventually she was

like you know I know where my strengths

are and one of them is handies and so

that's what we're just going to lean

into it know thyself so 100% so one of

my favorite things about this is that um

all the other women who work at this

massage parlor all go by Linda so

there's Linda one Linda 2 Linda 3

because they don't want to use their

real names I get it right um but

everybody knows Holly because she grew

up there so she's like I'm just going to

be Holly it would be super stupid for to

be Linda for like everybody knows so now

they just sound like a band cuz it's

like Holly and the L

Lind yes

so it she there's a there's description

about like these are men that like she

grew up with these are her High School

teachers these are like all the local

cops go there deacons from the church

like everybody knows her and she now

knows everybody's [ __ ]

also um and so um she's on shift she's

tired she goes out to the waiting room

and there's this super hot guy there so

when you say waiting room it sounds very

clinical it is very clinical in the way

that it's described okay um and so like

it it is like a it it is not like a very

good front where it's like oh this is a

spa it's like no like it's like walking

into lab cor yes it's like fluorescent

lights and a a terazzo flooor you know

it's like and a chipped terazo floor yes

you get it so like and there's a water

fountain in the corner that has tape

over it cuz it's out of order and like a

super uncomfortable plastic chairs and

then they call you back for your handy

and you move on with your day just keep

it rolling so um there's this super

duper hot guy and um but it turns out

her next client is actually the old dude

at the counter and she's like okie dokie

not the hot one she was H

one so um he's like explaining that his

wife got him a gift card and you know

he's just he's been having so much

trouble since he got sick last year and

he really hopes they can help him and

all this stuff and she's like I'm not

here to judge you know I'm I'm also just

sitting here thinking they're not

medical

professionals so he doesn't realize that

apparently his wife like they've been

looking for help for him because he's

been in pain because he had a stroke and

so she's like this happens sometimes and

this poor old guy is like are you trying

to touch Mar willly and she's like

sir yes like that's what we do here and

he's like oh my God like so scandalized

and she's just like go back up front and

Linda one will refund all your money

don't worry about it

like God bless and good luck like you

know and so when she goes back out the

hot guy is still there and he's like are

you are you going to be my

masseuse and she's like sure yeah also

this is a clarifying question that needs

no answers but I want answers

do they do exclusively hand jobs is

there a menu to choose from so it is

only hand jobs okay yeah okay so I guess

it wasn't that silly of a question and

you did have an answer I did um because

at one point and I don't really remember

when it actually might

be pretty early on but she's like yeah

we don't do [ __ ] we don't do

anything else Linda one put the fear of

God about throat gonorrhea into all of

us and so like we don't tongue to tip

does not happen here

okay just imagine if your full-time job

is giving handies do you get calluses

over time or do you have enough Lube

that it's issue it's a lot of lube and

they wear gloves like it's very clinical

like we're just here to get you

off it sounds like Morning Glory milking

Farm a little bit

but like in Morning Glory milking Farm

there was a purpose because the seen

went in like the erectile dysfunction

pills right this one it's just like here

we're just going to sadly get you off

yeah we're just here getting dudes off

she's like sometimes they grab my boob

it's cool whatever like it's actually

very

dark we this is dual point of view so

now we switch to Jasper who's the hot

guy in the waiting room so it's

Christmas Eve and he is really really

stressed so this is his first year doing

delivery for his dad and his dad's been

really sick and he's freaking out that

like he's not going to be able to do

whatever he needs to do and he just

happened to be passing through this town

and was like a massage would be really

nice actually because I'm so stressed I

have a guess but I'm not going to ask to

clarify you're probably right but I'm

I'll I'll hold it you already know so he

doesn't realize that this is a rub and

tug place and he's like oh [ __ ] well

she's really hot though and I'm already

here 100% yeah he's like well I'm just

going to go with

it How I Met Your Mother when Barney

would do the naked

man yes when they're like half the time

you're already there you're like may as

well just lean into it at this point you

know like it's the numbers game

so he is like

this is the most beautiful woman I've

ever seen in my life and he has this

immediate cinnamon roll energy where

he's just like I want to know everything

about her what is her favorite color

what is her favorite food what are her

biggest fears what are her dreams I need

to know he's like so excited to be like

around her and he's like I should have

brought flowers I didn't even think

about it I didn't know that it would be

her I should have brought her

flowers and he's like not connecting

that like that's not what we do here

like cuz he's just so excited we're not

here for the romance no but he wants to

be and so he gets like the most

incredible hand job of his life he's

like holy [ __ ] this I mean I imagine

you've learned some some tips and tricks

over over your your tenure well and like

she uses her spit as lube as well and

like she never does that but she like is

super attracted to this guy and she's

like we're just going to go for it cuz I

feel like it so I can do what I want so

he's like I can't imagine she'll get any

objections correct he's

like

incredible so um he after the hand job

he's thinking about like dating is

really hard for him um because his

family business is really weird and and

so he can't be sharing about it and he

lives in a very rural part of Canada and

so he doesn't have a ton of options for

dating and stuff anyway and so he asks

her name and she's like well I'm I'm

Holly and we don't get any context for

this but he immediately runs through in

his mind all of the holes in the county

who would be around this age and he's

like oh this is Holly Heine she has

always been on the nice list except for

that one year in college when she was

known as Holly happy hands because she's

that good at hand jobs like even before

she started working she's always been

like Holly Happy

Hands I mean I once got nicknamed

calligraphy hands for my handwriting so

I I'd say we had similar Collegiate

Journeys different reasons for being on

the naughty list though

oh my

God yeah the other thing I thought of

was um that one Seinfeld episode with

the man hands okay now might be a good

time to confess to you I'm not a

Seinfeld girly I'm really not either but

I distinctly remember this from like I

don't know some rerun it was on and it's

like Jerry at on a date with some chick

at a restaurant and she like goes to

touch his face and it's clearly like a

man's hand comes in and like Strokes his

face and she's like his dream girl but

the whole episod yeah Jerry keeps going

manh hands like in that Jerry Seinfeld

voice you know I do know the voice I

might not be a Seinfeld girly but it is

still it's very distinct it's

distinct so after this encounter right

he is he's like I really want to give

her like more than just a tip and my

notes say heo in

parenthesis yeah he does but he had like

a $20 bill or something that he was

intending to use for this purpose anyway

but then he also just has a candy cane

and he's like Merry Christmas Holly and

like leaves and is really bummed about

it so Holly gets home she gets her mom

tucked in um things are super tight like

they have a hard time paying for like

the heat bill they use the neighbors

Wi-Fi the neighbors know it's you know

whatever but um It's just tough you know

and so she like every dollar is very

much accounted for yes it is and that's

part of why you know this whole thing is

not

like this truly is we are doing whatever

we have to do to make ends me you know

and so her sister does work at like a

coffee shop or something and essentially

is able to pay for her textbooks and her

gas to get to school but Holly handles

everything else she's not costing them

money but she's not like making the

family money right and Mom is super sick

we never find out like what Mom has we

don't need to um but clearly her care is

expensive as well so um Holly falls

asleep on the couch while she's like

folding towels and stuff and she wakes

up to this sound this like weird

scratching sound and she thinks it's

Squirrels In The Attic um but it's

actually uh Jasper coming down the

chimney and she is immediately like oh

cool I'm going to die she's like does he

have an axe like this is not good you're

like well the front door was locked so

he found another access point right

she's like you followed me home like

what the [ __ ] through my chimney right

she's like I know that I'm real good my

job bud but this is a step too far you

could have just come back next week holy

[ __ ] you know what I'm saying and so um

he's like trying to Plate her and is

like no no no no no no you don't

understand I'm Santa's son and I promise

that I will answer all of your questions

I need your help and she's

like he is actually an insane person

like this isn't one of those books where

she's immediately like Okay and like

sounds great so she which we appreciate

right like we appreciate that she's not

just like

oh okay I didn't know Santa was real but

I can I can get into this sure let's

just PIV it sure Santa is real and has a

son I'm on board like not at all so um

she's like what's the non-emergency

police

number or maybe the actual emergency one

she's like you know touche touche

there's a stranger who just broke in

through your chimney chimney and she's

like he she could hear him like grunting

and cursing at himself as he's trying to

wiggle down the chimney like he was not

graceful so yeah it's not like in like

the movie The Santa Claus where you just

like and like go through it's like he

was struggling on the way

down so he answers every question that

she has he's like I live in Canada my

dad is extremely sick and he can't do

the toys delivery this year the elves

are real but they're regular size

they're not tiny some of them are taller

than me um and he can't figure out his

dad's inventory system so really his dad

should have trained him on the delivery

before this and her CPA organizational

skills are going to come into play they

super are yeah yay I love that she gets

to use those instead of just her hands

yes she gets to use all her skills so

all of them right cuz she doesn't have

to stop the hand chobs she just gets to

use more skills all of the skills so

she's like he's like I need you to track

the inventory while I navigate the

sleigh and she's like SLE sure yeah okay

like what the [ __ ] um and so he's like

listen I just she's like why would you

ask me like what the [ __ ] is happening

like you don't have friends like why why

are you here was like we spent less than

minutes she's like you couldn't have

brought an elf like I don't understand

and he's like listen I felt something

when I met you I just felt this

connection and I wanted to be like it it

was an orgasm like you felt an orgasm

you felt an

orgasm and you're just like I felt an

orgasm so she must be the one a freak in

the spreadsheets she will manage the

inventory freak the spreadsheets yes

exactly and so he's like genuinely I

want to get to know you better but first

we have to deliver these toys so like I

want to take you on a date but I got

some stops to make on the way but first

toy deliveries it's going to take me a

little bit to wiggle down all of the

chimneys

yeah so Jasper explains that he is

human okay

but the sleigh and the suit are the

magic so the sleigh and the

SL the slot yeah the slute what Santa

wears what slanta wears slanta wears the

[Music]

slute listen the number of words I've

[ __ ] up on this show she's like give

me this I'm taking my

moment so the sleigh and the suit

allow him to manipulate time and he

explains that um he has about

150,000 presents to deliver they only

deliver to kids who write

them um and not everybody right so kids

who write get presents and he keeps that

seems like a fair system right like okay

you write you get a present you asked

for what you wanted we gave you what you

wanted if you didn't tell me I'm not

going to just give it to you anyway you

need to ask nicely we need to

communicate effectively we love

communication we really do yes okay so

as long as the people write they will

get a gift yes are they is that all just

well I mean I know he's Canadian is that

in North America or is that world

worldwide oh and I forgot they're in um

Pennsylvania that's where she is yeah

clearly forgot that why yeah yeah

because he was that would have been my

guess he decided to go to an Eagles

football game cuz he's a big Eagles fan

so he was at an Eagles game and that's

why he was passing through this small

town in he loves lub poles after an

Eagles game

listen who

doesn't so he keeps getting distracted

how much do you think the city spends on

krisco like I just want to know is that

a line item in the budget

because they like plan to grease the

poles so I'm like how much money do you

all allocate for the pole

greasing po GRE okay I'm sorry I'm pole

greasing I don't have better words there

is some description of the

industrial like containers of lube at

the happy Stroke Club Oh I thought you

were going to say at P Diddy's house no

dude the best part of that whole thing

is in every tweet he's like hash I did

not have lube and whatever the other

thing was in my house even when it's not

related to the situation Hannah a

thousand bottles he's like I did not

have a thousand bottles of L I saw Tik

Tok that was like what more evidence do

you need have you ever made it through

one bottle of baby

oil let alone a thousand that does hit

differently yeah but then that raises

other questions of like were there

different kinds were some of them

flavored like

what you know believe it or not I didn't

have questions about about Diddy's Lube

inventory me

either you're like yeah I absolutely

also have no questions to ask about that

no I felt aable with the information

provided so and I just really need to

know the line item in the city of

Philadelphia's

budget for having to grease those poles

we're going to have to write the city

manager of Philadelphia I got a couple

co-workers who live there I might reach

out to them after this Drew I was going

to say drew well I think he moved out of

the city but he is the one who also gave

us the recommendation for haunted vagina

which I feel like I'm still processing

through day he owes

us he owes us answers Drew we need all

of the answers to these questions and

more because we read the haunted vagina

so you now have to answer all of this

yeah for life okay so he was uh catching

an Eagles game was where we started

somehow we got to PE Diddy sure we you

know that feels accurate for us okay so

he was catching the Eagles game so they

are are in the sleigh now and he

introduces her to the

reindeer um do they have different names

the Caribou oh no they're like the

actual names okay but he explains that

Rudolph is not real obviously that's

silly duh but the other reindeer do

exist and they are magic they fly so um

but no one leads guides the Sigh oh so

he does but there's no there is no red

nose reindeer yeah that's a bummer it is

a bit disappointing um but he keeps

getting distracted thinking that he'd

really like to kiss her and he's like

Focus like we can do that later like get

your [ __ ] together and she is terrified

of heights like she reveals once they

are lifting off she's like do you have

any puke bags because holy [ __ ] like so

it's not until they're taking flight

that she's like oh maybe this is real

basically yeah so um he just starts

talking to her about random things like

you know favorite colors and his love of

the Eagles and all this other [ __ ] um

and you know there's a cocoa station

that his mom set up in the sleigh which

I imagined like um the Santa Claus movie

with Tim Allen I imagined that but I

don't think it was that um and Jasper is

trying to explain that he has no idea

how this inventory system works he's

like like it is not organized

geographically like it's not

alphabetical I don't know what the [ __ ]

like uh help me like really feels like

he should have worked on figuring this

out before yeah I think he assumed it

would be intuitive because he's like

this is the system that's been used for

Generations so

surely it's like an intuitive thing when

really it's like this is the system

that's been used for Generations yeah so

it makes no sense because we were

working with what we had Generations ago

right he's like we've just continued

whoops so there's like a hidden ladder

and it's like um I imagined it being

like um the Taris from Doctor Who where

it's bigger on the inside because she

like goes down a ladder and it's a

warehouse and there's like a golf cart

and like she can drive up and down all

the aisles and [ __ ] to find what she

needs that's super fun and so Holly

figures out that it's actually done his

torically so when

a a place became a nation or whatever it

then appears and so it goes like that in

order

historically um and so she gets the

whole thing figured out they get the

first gifts um and Jasper's like hey

cool cool cool great job you're coming

inside with me right so the suit makes

him

invisible unless he wants you to see him

the sleigh is also like invisible

there's he explained it in a weird way

that's not really relevant but nobody

can see the sleigh and nobody can see

him with the suit on he's able to get in

anywhere like he can break into any home

and do anything he wants when he's in a

suit and so he wants her to be the dog

Lookout um cuz apparently like

Generations ago in the Santa family like

one of them was maed by a dog and so

he's like I I need I need you to be

watching out like he's like this is my

first time and I'm real scared but but

she doesn't have a suit that makes her

invisible right so he like keeps his

hand on her to like so if he's holding

her hand she's invisible that is my

understanding yeah and he's like I'll

owe you like I I'll owe you whatever you

want and she starts to blush and his

thought is please please let it be a

favor where my dick gets to do stuff

like that would be awesome and so

um he just like has this whole internal

dialogue about how pretty she is and how

smart she is and how amazing everything

she does is and he's just super into her

and he has to keep like focusing and she

keeps blushing like every time he looks

at her and so his next thought is my

dick is totally going to get to do stuff

and he's like so excited about it so

they get into the house and they're

immediately caught by the dog in the

house um who starts growling and barking

and all this other [ __ ] but so

apparently the dog can see them but the

the man who wakes up and has a taser for

some reason can't see them and so you

know as you do on Christmas Eve you

sleep on your couch waiting for

Santa

taser I'm going to prove it this year I

put out the milk and cookies right and

my stun

gun yes so so

um Jasper gets bitten by the dog as

they're trying he's like tosses the toy

like this wrapped present tosses it the

dog bites his leg and then the guy just

like shoots the taser cuz I guess he

gets overwhelmed cuz the dog's freaking

out this present appears like whatever

so the guy shoots the taser and hits

Holly and so Jasper feels so bad and so

he gets them out and they wind up he's

like holding her as she's like

recovering from being tased and they

wind up making out a little bit and he's

like I'm just so excited to be here like

I know this is not going well really but

like this is also great but this is so

much fun yes it's such like like

retriever puppy energy like it's very

cute so the next house is adults who

believe in Santa and write still every

year oh and so um they're not home and

so um they always ask for sex toys and

they always deliver apparently they are

people who are very into um the Kink

community and they're in an open

marriage and all this other stuff

whatever and so Jasper tells Holly that

they actually have a Sex

Dungeon would she like to see it and

she's like um yes and so has he seen it

isn't it his first time delivering the

presents so he

knows everything people do right he sees

you when you're sleeping he knows when

you're awake whatever so he knows

everyone's behaviors he doesn't know

their thoughts so he hasn't seen The Sex

Dungeon himself he just know he just

knows yeah it's a few also bold move to

borrow someone else's Sex Dungeon

without check I had a lot of concerns

about boundaries it only gets worse

so Chelsea it's not going to get better

it sure isn't so they get down

to the hidden sex room yep and um my

notes say he asks to dine at the Y so he

eats her

out that's my favorite one

so she's like oh damn I haven't shaved I

was not prepared for this but he does

not seem to care he like Goes to Town um

and so she I was about to be like yeah

because he's like a mythical being then

I was like no he's hum so I was like

yeah cuz he's Canadian and I was like I

don't I don't know I don't know I've

never actually heard that about

Canadians in my life that has not been

fact check you know generally stere

typically Canadians are very like kind

and compassionate and like paying

attention to others and so I can imagine

that that

would increase your skill what an

incredible

reframe I was reaching a little bit I

appreciate it cuz I was like no that's

not how that works

Canadian cuz he's Canadian all that

poutin really did it so um she wants

more like she has already come but she's

like let's do this thing and um he

starts to get naked she is kind of

mostly

naked and he doesn't have a condom and

she's like well I'm midcycle this was

one of my favorite parts of the book is

she's like I'm aware of my cycle and my

ovulation schedule and so we should not

have unprotected sex right now like she

didn't say it like that but basically

she's like I'm midcycle we can't do this

and he's like damn and so he's like the

good news is I have brand new sex

toys I'm sorry you were gifting sex toys

yeah and you opened the gift yeah and

used it yeah both of them cuz there were

two both of them so one is anal beads

and do they request specific sex toys

they do yeah okay so they pull the anal

beads out and he's like I've never used

these before like twirling them around

he's like do you just like yank it like

a lawn mower and she's like don't do

that nope she's like so you won't be

using those on me like like I can do

that for you and he's like

okay sounds great whatever you want to

do I'm just happy to be here so he's so

grateful to have an invite to the party

yeah like yeah it he brought her to the

party and now he's excited to have an

invite to it yeah yeah bless him so um

the dildo that is the other gift has a

suction cup so they stick that to the

wall she [ __ ] herself on the dildo

that's on the wall from behind while

she's on her knees and then she gives

him a [ __ ] while he's standing

they're on like a bench and then she

uses the anal beads on him while she's

giving him a

[ __ ] that really escalates

like real quick they just went for it in

a strangers Sex Dungeon with their sex

toys like that takes a lot of trust in a

relationship to get to that level right

we've had this conversation before butt

stuff is like

commitment to me like to

me that means a ring is

imminent no it means I trust you and I

know you well enough to know like you're

not going to do some weird [ __ ] that is

also Fair

yeah

so they have this whole thing he wants

to like see the come in her mouth before

she swallows there's all this dirty talk

and all this other stuff um and they're

both like basking in the Afterglow of

like this incredible sexual experience

when they hear footsteps upstairs so the

people are home and Jasper is like oh

[ __ ] I can't find my suit but like

they're

home so we got to go so he just goes to

like they have like a bin of outfits for

their BDSM stuff and he just like grabs

what seems like pants and hauls ass in

the snow with Holly behind him who has

like pulled her skirt down and

thankfully kept her shoes on the whole

time and they just book it out so he

realizes that um what he grabbed is

asess chaps which is not the most

helpful thing to have and so so he's no

longer invisible and will be delivering

gifts in asess chaps where people can

fully see him yeah so Holly finds him

some like overalls in the warehouse and

so then he puts the chaps on his arms

cuz he's really cold so he's wearing

caps on his arms over

overalls and so he's like here's what

we're going to do because I can't

deliver all these presents without my

suit so we're going to go deliver a

present while we wait for these people

to go to sleep and then we'll just go

back to their house and like I'll find

my suit so um

unfortunately he gets caught trying to

break in to these people's house and um

the dad wakes up up and holds him at

gunpoint while waiting for the police

because he gets found outside their

daughter's bedroom window wearing assess

chaps on his arms like it's not a good

look it's not a good

look so tou Holly is in the trees by the

sleigh watching all of this

like uh uhoh like what do I do like am I

the new Santa right well and he had been

like if anything happens just hit the

emergency button on the sleigh

navigation and it'll take you home it'll

take you to my mom's house and she's

like okay so she's like do I do I just

leave him she's like do I go to his mom

I've got to say Hannah at no point thus

far as we've been going through this

book have I had any idea what happens

next like I think a lot of books like

what this is such a surprise and in this

one I'm like legitimately like you

know who can say assless chaps weren't

on my bingo

card they were not on my assless chaps

probably should have been on my all I

wank for Christmas Bingo card but for

some reason it just we just didn't go

there did we okay Tori did though Tori

did bless Tori for your ministry okay so

now Holly yeah she's like what do I

she's like honestly like I could just go

home and go to bed because there's like

a 67% chance that this is some kind of

fever dream like this is [ __ ] nuts

right now like she's like did I just

[ __ ] myself against a suction cup dildo

while giving Santa's son a [ __ ] in a

stranger Sex Dungeon and then dress him

in overalls with aess chaps as a light

Shaw right as a shrug like what and so

she that's like I would I would be

checking myself in I would be going for

a psych assessment Holly is an

incredibly like like um relatable

character because she's immediately like

Axe Murderer maybe I should go home like

which is so real well not quite the same

but

it I do you remember when I told you the

story I feel like I've said told this a

long time ago about when Vance and I

were still living in

Nashville and he went to a show or

something and was out super late and I

had fallen asleep and I wake up and hear

noises in our house and it doesn't

compute that it's my husband I just went

someone broke into my house maybe if I

stay quiet they'll just steal from

downstairs and I can deal with it

tomorrow and I like rolled back

over yes I have no sense of

self-preservation yeah in fact quite

recently my husband was out of town and

I was like you know I didn't check the

locks before we went to sleep and I was

like that's okay we live in a safe

neighborhood and our doors are always

locked like this is a

non-issue sure as [ __ ] the next morning

I wake up and I'm like that door is not

locked at all like not our like front

door but we have like a side door and I

was like oh yeah that was that was

unlocked and I just sat

there because I didn't want to walk back

down the stairs to double check it so if

this podcast ends because I'm at my

inevitable Doom from a lack of

self-preservation yeah no one will be

surprised

yeah yeah cuz I'm like I feel fully in

alignment with her where I'm like oh

yeah you know this shake got a little

wild my bed's very comfy if I could just

make it back yeah get a solid eight

hours on interrupted and she's like I

have to work tomorrow like you know I

guess a lot of people want handies on

Christmas Day I don't know but like well

a lot of people go to the movies on

Christmas Daye that's true not that

those are the same but I just meant

people leave their house people do

activities of varying varying

caliber yes precisely so um she's like

well Jasper Santa son is about to get

arrested so I may as well yeah get a

good night sleep knows the cops she

knows all the cops because apparently

she's been getting them handies it's the

like their team building thing they do

every Thursday the entire police force

comes and gets a hand job like at the

happy stroke so she they have all in one

room or they take turns they take turns

but they also have um well they have

like Loyalty cards that get punches like

that's how of you do not get a 10th one

free you do you do and that's going to

come into play in a moment so um she's

like okay well is the punch a little

penis in the card that's not described

but I hope so um so she's like I I can't

leave him like I can't just leave him

there like that's a really [ __ ] up

thing to do so she's like okay I got to

figure something out so then we cut to

Jasper he is telling the cops the truth

which is a bold move because it is not

going well at all're like because they

also think he needs a psych assessment

100% they're like okay so he's probably

high so let's just put him in a holding

cell we'll see how he's doing in the

morning we'll call the mental health

people to come over in the morning like

you know just he'll be fine cuz he looks

like a [ __ ] Nutter in I'm literally

just sitting here doing that like

thinking of doing that psych assessment

and writing the note and being like

oriented times 4 well have you ever done

a psych assessment where somebody's

telling you something and you're like

cool cool cool delusional and then you

do the collateral and it's like call

family or whatever and they're like oh

no that's all real and you're like oh my

God no yep

absolutely that happened recently

recently yeah somebody she was like I

I've been running drugs for a cartel

like across all these state lines and

the timeline she was giving is like not

physically possible to get from Colorado

to Atlanta like that and so we were

really like okay and she had some other

like you know possible psychotic

symptoms and so we were

like none of that's real and then she

met with the psychiatrist who then

called her mom and he was like it's all

real you guys oh my God and we were like

oh no oh no like I was having visions of

when reporters used to pretend to be

psych patients so they could do exposes

in like the 70s and ' 80s and then

they're like no

like I don't belong here I'm a reporter

and everybody's like sure have athine

like I was like oh my

God have

authority like

basically so he's like trying to

convince them and they're just not

they're just not so they're like you're

going to spend the night in jail and

he's like you are ruining Christmas for

all the children and they're like mhm

yep just maybe take a nap yes because

all the children want gifts from a man

wearing assless chaps as a light

sweater so they're like yeah he's

definitely insane and he just keeps

thinking like hopefully Holly got in

touch with his mom like hopefully Holly

like she knows what to do I told her and

Holly sitting there and being like well

well my night just just got real clear

yeah um so um he's like the other part

of this is he's like no Santa has ever

been caught before I'm going to be a

laughing stock among like all the elves

and everything like this is a [ __ ]

disaster like this could be the end of

Santa like this is really really bad

okay so not quite the

same my favorite

segue I used to work at a

church go on your other favorite Segway

go on

um and we would uh do

baptisms so we would do them like

quarterly and it would be a big church

thing we actually like would do them in

our like Lobby we it kind of looked like

a fish pond that had a little walking

bridge but you took the the walking

bridge off and there was a tub right and

so then we would bring bleachers out on

baptism Sundays and do them like in the

Town Square sort of

energy so the Middle School youth pastor

it was his like first time doing bapt is

Ms at this

church and he dunked all of the people

brought them back up and like the next

day they are they already had planned

like an all staff meeting so as the

meeting is kicking off they're like hey

guys uh so we we need to talk about the

baptisms yesterday and everyone's like

oh my God like what what happened with

the like we were all there like yeah the

baptism they seemed great they got

dunked they came back up like debrief

done they were baptized end of

discussion and they're like well you

know you know so uh one of the middle

school students when they got dunked

their head wasn't fully submersed and it

came up a little bit dry on the top so

the families asked that we redo their

baptism completely [ __ ] with the

youth pastor and he's just sitting there

and he's like oh my God I baptized

someone who's sitting there and being

like it didn't count he's like my first

time baptizing to someone at this church

and the baptism didn't count I'm going

to be a laughing stock and that's what I

thought of was like Santa being like

it's my first time the top of his head

is

dry his soul has not been

saved poor guy they were completely

[ __ ] with him the family had no

complaints that poor guy that's so good

it was a really solid prank yeah that's

good I think they were also like hey man

squat lower next time but also it's not

the end of the world that's good I bet

everybody was fully submerged after that

yep y I'm not going to lie I baptized

someone and they were taller than me and

I was legitimately like I don't know if

I can get them back up like that was my

biggest fear was baptizing someone and

dropping them in the tub and not being

able to get them back up I'm like that

is not the baptism

story you want that's the baptism story

I want I would tell everyone they

[ __ ] dropped me

man that would immediately go into my

tight 10 are you kidding me like that

would be so good touche if you if you

get dropped in your baptism yeah yeah

cuz like they were like a larger person

than me but they weren't a large person

it was that I was like water is on my

side here like buyy

I like did instead of dipping them fully

back I did more of like a deep squat so

they like went back against my thigh so

I could like get him back cuz I was too

scared I was like there's hundreds of

people watching me baptize this person I

Cannot drop

them but I'm like is dropping worse than

coming up with a dry head and the answer

is yes I personally I think so

well having a dry Crown would not be in

my tight 10 so for

me you know you're like there's your

answer Chelsea comedy's based on tragedy

which one is more tragic definitely the

dropping the one who gets dropped the

with the drowning potential is the one

that's more

tragic

okay so we're back to Holly she just

walked walks into the Cop Shop she just

sa nope oh she just saunters right into

the police station uhhuh and um one of

the cops is a true [ __ ] and won't let

Jasper out so she's like you don't

understand this was all a

misunderstanding he is an actor he was

supposed to surprise my little cousin he

lost his suit it's a whole situation but

like he was just trying to do a favor

for me like like please let him out

right he went to the wrong house right

like just you know blah blah blah

far-fetched but we appreciate it she

really is trying and so um they're like

you know what no like he's going to

spend the night in jail like great try

but no so there are three cops there one

of them is the sheriff one of them is a

super [ __ ] and the other is this like

really sweet guy so she even like

pretends to cry and the sweet one comes

over and is like patting her back and

like her tissues and he's like it'll be

okay Holly and he's like blushing cuz he

has a crush on her and it's this whole

thing but they're not biting for letting

Jasper out and so finally she is like

all right listen you know I don't have

money to pay bail they're like you have

to pay bail she's like cool cool cool

you guys know my situation you all know

me you know I don't have it so um we're

going to have to do a trade and the

sheriff is like uh this is not the

Parlor like we're not going to do that

and the other cop is like already

unbuckling he's like hell yeah and the

one with the crush is like blushing real

bad like hly like oh my goodness like

whatever she's like no dumbass hand over

your punch card and so she just punches

them all out to a

free hand

job I think my favorite part about all

this is that she just has no she used a

puncher from the no no

no oh they had a puncher it's just a

regular whole punch and she like

initialed the

punches yeah that's less fun it is less

fun in my head ripped it out her back

pocket she had the Parlor puncher in her

pocket if

only nope just regular punches that she

initialed um so um and one of the cops

is like the [ __ ] one is like outraged

he's like we should at least take her in

the back to get [ __ ] like if we're

not going to like share her [ __ ] like

we might as well and she's

like whoa and he's like I mean we all

know she's just a [ __ ] [ __ ] like

she's just a sex worker whatever and the

sheriff is like you will not he was like

you will not speak about her that way

like we all know what she's doing we all

know like why she's doing it you will

not we're all benefiting from it as well

so like [ __ ] off right he's like you

should get out of my sight before I

punch you in the face like I've had

enough of you and so that's like a

really nice moment yeah yeah cuz she's

like yeah I am a sex worker but I'm also

a person like with a family and you

aren't entitled to sexual favors because

I am a sex worker right like you know

that's what I do for money that doesn't

have any bearing on my character like

why are you like that so or make me like

less entitled to Human Rights yes um so

also she didn't offer that no she did

not she did not so they Jasper gets let

out they're like bet cool thank you for

coming have a great night with your

crazy [ __ ] Santa so they go to the

house where he left his suit and they

can't get back in because he doesn't

have a suit the house is locked they're

like great what do we do he's not a

great Santa he's really not doing well

so he's

like here's what we're going to have to

do we're going to have to give them the

sex toys and she's like no that's not

one of the things we're going to do it's

not and he's like no you don't get it

like they are they use a lot of toys all

the time like they're going to wash them

before they use them anyway

like we have to do what we have to do

here and she is like you don't get it

they'll wash them yeah he's like it'll

be fine and she's like I really don't

think it will

so they they rewrap them and they go to

the door while he's wearing their

assless chaps as a shrug and they knock

and everything and Jasper's like hey so

I'm Santa Claus and my suit is in your

basement because I just wanted some

alone time with this lovely lady and I

really need my suit back like also her

tights are down there and she's cold so

if we could get those also here are your

gifts yeah he's like also these are for

you and so the guy is like what the [ __ ]

and he's like he tells him all these

details that are actually really sad

about his childhood about his dad

destroyed his Christmas present from

Santa one year because he said like no

son of his would play with a train or

something and so that's part of why he

still gets gifts

because Jasper's dad said he will get

gifts for life like no matter what he

asks for he will get it and so that's

why he still gets presents and the guy

is like okay so they like don't let them

in they like lock the door and the guy

goes down and apparently finds the suit

and her tights and brings them back and

they do a little trade for the chaps and

um Jasper is like listen you're going to

get presents for Life ask big next year

just go for it cuz you're going going to

get whatever you

want so you know we've read

enough romance novels of varying caliber

that in my head where I thought this was

going because I was a group scene yep

cuz I was like this has this book has

been a journey though whole way like a

very pleasant journey yeah it's kind of

nice but also one where I was like okay

so it's a group scene next and then

you're like so then they lock the door

yeah and they do a

trade this could be a crazy person right

and like and same with the sheriff right

like I'm enjoying the characters in this

book

yeah they seem more human there's more

development than I would have expected

from a book called all I wank for

Christmas which is a nice surprise so

they successfully deliver all the toys

um they like buckle down they make it

happen everything gets delivered um they

stop at a gas station for breakfast and

he's like I've been thinking about

buying you breakfast since the moment I

saw you like I imagined it differently

like a gas station biscuit but like you

know a I'm I'm really grateful for you

and so she's wondering if she's ever

going to see him again

um and she feels really conflicted about

having to go to work she's like I don't

want to give other people hand jobs like

I don't I just want to give Jasper hand

jobs yeah yeah so she knows she has to

get home to like take care of her mom

before she goes to work and so Holly

winds up falling asleep in the sleigh on

the way back home and um Jasper is

thinking he really wants to ask if he

can see her again he like really wants

to but he's like I am such a Monumental

[ __ ] up like she saw me [ __ ] up royally

all night like she probably wouldn't be

into it

anyway um and so you had a very intense

sex

scene for someone pretty early on but

then he [ __ ] it up real bad

after

well that's his thinking so he gets her

a magnet here he had gotten her a magnet

from the gas station that says I put the

Big O in Ohio he's like I wanted to get

you something but this is all I could

really find and she's like I'll treasure

it forever like this is the cutest thing

in the world like it's so cute and so um

he also apparently bought condoms and so

they [ __ ] the slay and you know again

there's lots of assplay happening he is

like biting her and stuff like that um

CU he's thinking like he wants her to

know like this happened he didn't bite

hard enough that it's going to leave a

mark for a long time but he's like but

enough to remember him by yeah little

love bite little love bite so um he's

like in his mind thinking like I would

give up my family Legacy for her like

she's it like she's brilliant she saved

me multiple times like she is just

incred incredible um but truthfully he

needs to get home um to finish up his

duties and um then he's going to get

back to her like he just knows it in his

heart like he's going to find a way to

get back to her so um that's where they

part ways and then it's been a week and

Holly has not heard from him and she New

Year's Eve yes so she's just miserable

like she's just really sad and um she

has been looking for him every time she

goes into the waiting room at the happy

stroke like she's waiting for it to be

him and he is never there and so she is

super rude to this client um she's like

get on the table and he's like L one

usually like makes conversation and like

maybe cracks a joke or something she's

like I'm not a [ __ ] Linda she's like

do I look like a [ __ ] comedian do you

want to get off get on the table like

I'm not and he like uh uh oky doie like

okay and then she like starts to cry and

he's like do you do you need to do you

need to talk or something like are you

okay like are you all right like clearly

you're not having a good day like are

you okay and she's like I'm so sorry

that I'm like ruining your day like

clearly this guy this is like his his

self-care basically and she's like I'm

ruining this for you and he's like I'm a

bartender I'm used to just listening so

like you do whatever you need to do like

it's going to be okay and so she tells

him everything and he's

like should I call someone for you you

okay you're [ __ ] Nutter like I'm

really worried about you actually like

should I call somebody and

so she's like no I was just joking like

I'll give you a handy like just take

your pants off like whatever and so

they're about to get started and all of

a sudden Jasper like busts in the

door and she can hear him in the hall

he's like I just need to see her like I

just need to talk to her and one of the

lindas is like trying to block him and

he's like no I will not be stopped and

so um he is like I've been trying to get

back to you but my dad has been getting

worse and we had to put him in hospice

and that's why I couldn't get here

sooner like I'm so sorry but I want you

to come back with me I want you to be my

operations manager because I can't do

this by myself and I you bring your mom

like just move with me like please you

know and um the whole time the whole

time this client is literally rubbing

one out on the table he's like do I have

to do it myself and she's like yeah and

he's like fine and so he is like yanking

it and she's like standing near him and

so one point he just like grabs her boob

and they're still just having this

conversation about this heartfelt moment

of like pouring their souls to each

other and this guy's like randomly

grunting and groping her

boob so

whatever so thank you for adding that

detail I know it's not necessary but it

was very funny it was necessary Hannah

so the client is actually super nice

because she's like I am so sorry like

please ask for refund from Linda at the

desk like whatever and he's like oh oh

no like I don't want to get you in

trouble like you're already clearly

having a hard enough time like I I don't

want to make things worse for you and

she's like no it's cool I quit and she

decides she's gonna gamble it all and

move with Jasper so to be the COO of the

North Pole the COO of the North Pole

that's actually Canada so one year later

uh I didn't know the North Pole was in

Manitoba but apparently here we

are yep uhuh sorry so one year later one

year later so Holly is doing an

incredible job as the ops manager I mean

she didn't find out the whole system she

had figure out the system and overhauled

it so it would actually make sense for

Jasper um made it geographical instead I

don't remember not that we needed the

actual Logistics of how she overhaul the

system actual I'm just sitting there I'm

like doing

the when this country became an

established Nation feels like a weird

tracking system yeah but also like there

are a lot of countries in the Soviet

Union that were countries and then

weren't and then were and then weren't

and have like changed names a hundred

times so like that would be really

confusing yeah I too would do an

overhaul of their organizational system

again relatable so um she also has a

side business doing taxes for like the

first half of the year um and they're

just really happy her mom is happy she's

making friends and like seems to be

healthier now that they're not

struggling so much for money um her

sister is still in school and happy she

did not move with them um and

everything's just awesome Jasper comes

in um because it's Christmas Eve Jasper

comes in and he's like I was going to

wait until after after the delivery

tonight but I just can't wait will you

marry me I love you so much it's all

really

beautiful and they [ __ ] on her desk

before Jasper leaves to deliver toys and

the book ends because I was thinking

this all right the book ends with her

being

like what did that couple from the sex

room ask for this year and it ends and

we never find out what they got for

Christmas I really wanted to know what

they asked for fun ending it is really

fun so like that's the end of all I wank

for

Christmas I agree with you it was a lot

cuter yeah than I anticipated for a book

called all I wank for Christmas yeah I

expected it to be like one long sex

scene yeah and like weirder than it was

I mean it was pretty weird the story was

but like the sex wasn't

like the sex was relatable yeah I was

like oh okay just as Holly was the whole

book the whole book and there are death

books that we read where I'm like that

sex

scene is who who is doing that right

logistically how so the logistics in

this book are about how did we deliver

all of those toys because we skated

right the [ __ ] over that but the sex was

much more understandable which is an

interesting twist for

us so what's our ratings

um candy canes no

stockings anal

beads reindeer assless chaps assless

chaps yes definitely the chaps I was

like candy canes weren't prominent

enough we need something more prominent

and I was like what's the most prominent

definitely the chaps the handies the

punch cards or the asess chaps and I

don't think we should do a review based

on how many hand jobs would you give

this you imagine the graphic that Vance

would have to find um oh my God I have

so many thoughts okay so asess chapless

chaps so I'm going to go out of 25

because Christmas is on the 25th we love

it

um you know I feel

like

17 yeah I in my head I was thinking 15

and I haven't read the book personally

uh so I feel like 17

like it was very endearing yeah and I I

don't think I fully was able to capture

like how adorable Jasper is just this

whole time and um it just did a nice job

of like you know she she there was also

all the stuff in there about like low

self-esteem on her part like I'm just a

sex worker and he's like no that's just

what you do it's not who you are like

you're incredibly strong and found a way

to support your family that's incredible

like it's just really nice warm stuff

yeah and so yeah I feel like 17 out of

25 final offer no asses to be found no

asses to be found the it's assless chaps

completely assless if they are just

chaps they're ass chaps if they are ass

chaps that's a different rating system

we haven't utilized for this book this

is purely the as

confused with a chapped ass it's

different so

sorry so you know on that note

uh once again I will accept my award for

queen of the non

seiter we Thrive it's really our

specialty on this show 17 out of 25

assless chaps be specific about the type

of chaps let us know if you would uh use

a different chap to

ra I don't know what the options are if

I'm being completely honest a British

guy a

chap my God okay we can't anymore like

this isn't getting

better

yeah don't forget to like subscribe

review you let us know what you would

like us to review next we absolutely

love to have recommendations it's how we

found a lot of our favorite books that

we have reviewed so if there's something

that you're like that

sounds just messy enough for Chelsea and

Hannah to [ __ ] up

further we would love to we're honored

to hold that title I would like them to

ruin this for me like bring

it listen we might be ruining your

favorite books or I did have someone

recently L tell me that they listen to

an episode of our show and it made them

rethink how they had read a book because

they hadn't really enjoyed the book and

then when they listened to our retelling

and review of IT they're like oh that

was way more fun like and maybe I need

to read it again so that happens as well

it could go either way we can ruin books

Choose Your Own Adventure or make them

better for you and you never know until

you get into the episode so on that note

we can't wait to see you next time and

hope you have a wonderful rest of your

holiday season Merry Christmas bye

bye well that's it for this week's mut

[ __ ] we hope it was good for you cuz it

sure was great for us if you're digging

what we're doing it would mean a lot if

you'd take a minute to rate and review

the show wherever you're listening right

now maybe tell that sexy someone to lend

us an ear we love you we appreciate you

and we'll see you next week stay Spidey

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