Smut Club

well hello All You Beautiful

[Music]

People you know what time it

is ladies and gents Guys and Dolls and

everyone in

between gather around get you something

real nice to sip on and comfy to slip

on cuz it's time for smut Club here's

your hosts Chelsea and

[Applause]

[Music]

Hannah hey everybody and welcome to smut

club I'm Hannah and I'm

Chelsea and this is the podcast where we

are two therapists who review books

what last episode we're literally like

we've really nailed our elevator pitch

on this show and I feel like the look in

your eyes is like is this right

yeah um yeah so this is smut Club yeah

we are two licensed mental health

therapists Y and we like to Day drink

and review trashy romance novels

sometimes I was going to say sometimes

classy really rarely classy usually

trashy yeah usually trashy yeah and

Welcome to our very special

Thanksgiving episode woo woo I think

this is uh not that really anything as

special about it outside of the way the

calendar fell where it's just like

actually being released on Thanksgiving

Day right unless I looked at the

calendar wrong and it's not being

released which is possible but enjoy

your either soon to be or I hope you

enjoyed your

reing Thanksgiving holiday or if it is

Thanksgiving enjoy your Thanksgiving lot

to be grateful for folks so much

including today's book well do we have

that to be great for what's it called

Hannah it's called Full

sack which

okay I'm going to deeply regret this

question and it might be addressed

within the book at some point so when we

were talking about books for

Thanksgiving and we landed on full sack

uhhuh I was like yeah that seems like a

Thanksgiving like name and now I'm like

is it it feels more like a Santa like a

the the gift sack you know right right

right um

no no what to all of

it

because I had the same thought after I

outlined it

but it's definitely a Thanksgiving book

um and that it takes place on

Thanksgiving so

so why is it called Full Sac oh

honey okay I'm just going to save my

questions until we get further into full

sack by Leila Fay that's not real it's

not but I like it Leila Fay it rolls off

the tongue very nicely it feels like a

um a very Southern first

yes it's like le la F something LE Smith

name right but it's not and say is

spelled f

AE oh yeah that makes it feel even less

real correct and Leila is spelled like

Eric Clapton would spell it the

traditional way

yeah

mhhh

yeah we work in mental health and have

worked with lots of clients with varying

names over the years but it is always

funny when you're like trying to get

someone's name and I remember I like

said to a woman one time I was like yeah

their name is Jordan spelled

traditionally and there was like a long

pause how else would you spell she was

like could you spell that for me and in

my head I'm like what is the non like

maybe a y maybe I knew a guy whose dad

was Donald and so his name was Jordon

like with an O instead but like that

poor guy yeah and it was pronounced

Jordon if you said Jordan his mom would

get annoyed uh it was one of those

situations but I'm like if you say

Jordan the traditional

way that's not one that I thought you'd

be like oh there's a lot of options like

the river Jordan like I don't know

you're like like Michael yes you're like

we there are only so many options

for the normal

spelling because it's just the normal

spelling right yeah the traditionally

accepted spelling yeah like I I feel

like if you say I uh my name is Ashley

spelled traditionally right with an ey

and not an EIG H or whatever yes yeah so

I really thought it was the same but

nope I still wonder when I'm like Jordan

spelled traditionally long pause can you

spell that for me I'm like what what is

what was the option we were going to go

with as our personal traditional way

like we all have our own family

tradition so if yours involves spelling

a name differently no judgment no

judgment okay so leil la Fay yeah the

very real human has written in a

Thanksgiving smut book called Full sack

and this is actually I discovered the

sixth in the series they're all

Standalone but they're all holiday books

are they all the same like are they all

Thanksgiving or we choose a different I

think it's different holidays I didn't

read any of the other ones

[Music]

um one was enough for me personally um

and isn't it great when you can read one

book by an author go I know everything I

need to know yeah how efficient of me

well recently this is so ridiculous I

started a series that was like 28 books

long

okay and I was like this will be good

was a motorcycle club it wasn't I was

like this will be a good like I can put

it down and pick it up whatever kind of

palette cleanser I

figured I'm ashamed to admit I've read

15 of them and was like I hate

these and I was like yeah no I I hate

them a lot which book did you start to

feel the hate I think like pretty early

but I kept hoping that like because each

one followed a different couple and like

there were a few of them that I did en

right and so I was like okay so maybe

the next one will be like this earlier

one or whatever and then I was just like

at one point I was like oh my God this

is awful I'm so

done I was reading a

series years ago it had like eight total

and I think I made it to like halfway

through the fourth or something and I

was literally just like I I can't do

this anymore yeah like we we've really

tried mhm and you know know for all of

those people much like my best friend's

husband who told me you just need to get

through the first however many seasons

of Lost before it gets good and like

things like that actually I feel like

that wasn't the situation with lost I

feel like lost started strong and then

really fell off yeah um but then I feel

like they're like it got bad but if you

stuck out for a couple Seasons then it

got better and I'm like I am my heart

I'm going to say I'm not the person to

stick something out for several seasons

on the off chance it'll get better but I

do read several series on the it'll get

better it will get better right yeah but

yeah at some point I'm like it hasn't

yet and I'm unwilling to commit to the

rest of the journey for it to get there

right and but you know cherry-picking

this book because it happened to be a

Thanksgiving book and

reading it was enough for me to say you

know the rest of the series probably

isn't for me I don't need to go back and

read the others so yeah getting into it

tell us more we open with

Jennifer um who is our main chick and

she is in the super gross dark alley and

she's really nervous she's in like her

skimpiest dress and her highest heels

and she is going up to a door that has a

raccoon painted on

it and she is just continuously thinking

how desperate she is to save her cat who

is named Mr

pointy

and he's three and he's very sick and

all the vets that he she has taken him

to they've all told her

like he he's not going to make it like

if we were in nature this wouldn't even

be a conversation yeah it was like oh

he's got like maybe a cool six months

like enjoy that time like there's

nothing we can do and

she there is this being who is called

raccoon um that

supposedly um can do

anything um and like provide anything

can like make dreams come true so

there's essentially a magic Genie named

raccoon correct and um it it keeps

alluding to like she knows the price she

understands the price and she's willing

to pay it but we don't know what the

price is yet we just know that she is

desperate and she is willing because she

wants to save her cat um and

so um she do you have a cuz you and I

both big pet people and all of all of

your pets have extra medical needs they

do most of them yeah yeah I guess not

are do any not is

Georgie uh so Georgie has some messed up

ears okay um because he was out for so

long but that's probably going to get

better and he'll be fine okay but then

we have our fat cats that most people

forget that we have Annie and Lizzy who

are fine they're just fat I absolutely

forgot about Annie and Lizzy I know

everybody does because we don't talk

about them because they're just living

their best life yeah and all of your

your other pets do require a little bit

more they do energy and attention mhm

so is there a numeric threshold where

it's if if what they need is over blank

amount like that's the monetary limit

you know I don't know I I think it's

more like if they're going to be in pain

that's so I can keep them around yeah

I'm not I don't I'm not going to do that

um cuz like that happened with my pit

bull who was 14 and they were like we

probably could maybe do something she

might live an extra year whatever and I

was like no I'm not going to put my

14-year-old dog through that yeah like

no no and it wasn't about the money it

was about like her

1,000% I remember like we had some

family friends and their cat got ran

over oh and the vet was like we can

perform this surgery it's not like that

it'll work it'll be five grand if they

live or die and they were like no

problem and like the cat died like 5

minutes into the surgery oh and I was

like I if those are the odds I'm

probably not spending five grand right

unless I suddenly enter a different tax

bracket that I don't foresee happening

in my like near future right right but

yeah I just find that to be a very

fascinating conversation with like how

different people approach it because I'm

like I think I used to have like a far

lower number and then I like married my

husband and he's like my credit card has

a very high limit 100% yeah and I'm like

you know touche but to your point it's

really come coming down to like the

quality of life absolutely yeah yes and

Jennifer wants her cat to have a great

quality of life yep and knows the price

she's willing to pay yep which I already

have a feeling might be different than

the price I'm willing to pay yep but

we'll find

out so she enters the door that has the

raccoon on it and she sees this super

hot guy with like these weird yellow

eyes in the room um and her cat who is

generally pretty standoffish like

immediately loves him like she lets him

out of the carer I guess it makes sense

that she had the cat with her but also

you she's wearing her like fancy dress

and her highest heels in this alley with

her cat yeah okay I left that out she

has the cat um cuz initially when she

says like I need your help with my my

cat he's like the guy's like no I don't

do resurrections and she's like no he's

alive and he's like oh people never

bring me live animals this is great and

so she like lets the cat out and

immediately he's like Twining around

raccoon who is the name of the guy mhm

Twining around his legs and like all up

on him is our main love interest named

raccoon 100% yeah God damn sure is okay

and so um he agrees to help her um but

then he like approaches her and she's

like trying to build up the nerve for

the price which it turns out is a

[ __ ] and it's like well known he'll

give you whatever you want for a [ __ ]

and and so he's like when's the last

time you sucked off a stranger like come

in here in your your [ __ ] outfit

whatever um so we're just going into the

weird aggressive dirty talk off the rip

yeah okay yeah

also my vet has several doctors at the

practice are you ranking who you would

blow in your mind right now no I was

honestly thinking I haven't met them all

so I can't make a fully informed like

into decision here but I will

say depending on like what my cat's

Health needs are a [ __ ]

actually I've heard worse prices tongue

to tip for

500 so call back to previous episodes

for those of you who've stuck around and

the incredible show I'm sorry featuring

Andre Savage and Tom ever

Scott a bit of trivia for you yes um so

he is

like she's starting to freak out like

he's cornered her against a wall and

she's like I know I have to do this I'm

willing to do this but she is clearly

very uncomfortable do we know how old

she is in her early 20s I think she's

like

22 listen we just reviewed an entire

book where that the girl was like 18 and

every decision she made made was that of

an 18-year-old girl so I just wanted to

know if This Woman's brain was fully

developed not quite but more so but

closer yeah okay so he tells her like

listen this is not the place for a

blushing virgin I don't know what you

think you're doing here um and while the

usual price is a [ __ ] it's different

for pets and she's like what like well I

take back my statement about my vet's

office

pets are different and he's like so what

you're going to do is take me to your

family Thanksgiving because all of this

is taking place on Thanksgiving day

because he only makes deals on

holidays I don't know and there are a

lot of arbitrary rules it feels like in

this are all of the original books in

this series all about raccoon I don't

think so holiday escapades it seemed

like they were about different creatures

I don't

know fair enough you know what I don't

have questions it's fine we can practice

acceptance that we're never going to

know because we're never going to read

the other books well maybe I will I

shouldn't say never um

so um she wasn't planning to go to her

family Thanksgiving she does not get

along with them they're all [ __ ] nuts

and she has no desire to spend the day

with them um and uh uh she's like fine

like if that's what I have to do for my

cat then that's what I'll do but like I

need to go home and change like can't

show up to family Thanksgiving looking

like this yeah um and

he is like

no you wore this to see me why can't we

wear it to see your family you innocent

little [ __ ] and there's lots of like

things like that in here where he calls

her Like a Virgin [ __ ] and it's like

what are you saying like the Madonna

[ __ ] complex is supposed to be two

separate

people like not the same one you know

you've

misunderstood right but that's like

throughout the whole thing he's doing

that um but she's super into it like she

clearly has like a little bit of a

degradation Kink that she wasn't even

aware of until he started speaking to

her that way um does she put the words

degre

to it at any point or is that you no

that's me okay making assumptions I

would have just loved if she was like

wow I wasn't aware that I was fully into

degradation until this moment I've

learned something about myself so there

is this video of this huge like bouncer

guy picking up a smaller guy in a bar

who is being like super inappropriate

and just carrying him out and one of the

the comments on the video was that man

could disrespect me and somebody said

tell me you have a degradation Kink

without telling me you have a

degradation Kink and I think about that

regularly that man could disrespect

me I mean I do feel like if that's what

you're just like openly commenting on

things you're like you you know yourself

I hope you do if not you going to learn

sharing it on the open

interwebs cuz someone going to go don't

tap me with a good time and then you're

going to go whoa that is not what I

thought was going to happen and you're

like you literally put disrespect me or

that man can disrespect me right

like okay so he's like no why can't you

show up to your family's Thanksgiving

looking like my little virgin [ __ ]

right okay and then demands that she get

on his motorcycle and for some reason

this is the point where she's like oh no

I can't get on your motorcycle I'll find

another way to save my cat and he's

like get on the [ __ ]

motorcycle really that's the Jailbreaker

here he's like okay so he like straps

the cat down and is like I promise the

cat's going to be fine he's like curled

up snoozing in his little carrier he's

like he's going to be fine I promise I

wouldn't do anything to like put Mr

pointy in danger okay

um

so she tells him that he has to swear on

his balls that the cat's going to be

okay and he's like you better feel to

make sure they're there otherwise is it

even really a swear and so she straight

up grabs his balls

and

like my notes say

something moves in his pants which

freaks her out unclear if this is a

usual growing situation or tentacles

that's what my not

say he's a raccoon why does he have

tentacles I don't know wait Hannah are

tentacles going to show up at some point

no this was 100% she like grabs his

crotch and she's like something moved in

there and I'm like like a regular

something like it's like it's getting

hard or like is something

happening yeah you're like like you just

like didn't pay attention in middle

school health class right or like

something like there's a curse happening

in there there's some other kind of

anatomical situation that we should be

aware of um that's I don't know that's

the first place my notes went to which

means my brain went there but

anyway I like that you said notes

initially I don't know Chelsea it's just

the first place my notes went the notes

you

wrote you're like damn it and here

okay this is a direct

quote watching him on the motorcycle

makes her V vagina

salivate

no no thank you yeah

how no yeah

yeah this was the point where I almost

texted you to be like

oh like oh my

God yeah okay so that's happening and um

she is continuously reminding herself

that um he's a

Manor like he she's like I don't care if

he makes my vagina salivate he makes

everybody's vagina salivate

right he gets [ __ ] from like anybody

no he only gets [ __ ] on federal

holidays there aren't a ton banking

holidays like I don't think he's out

there making deals on National dut day

you know what I

mean I didn't get that far in the series

to know um so um and she's also like I

would have had to get my throat checked

for an STI if I'd had to give him a

[ __ ] and like you like weird things

like that um I'm like okay so we're now

worried about Conor of the throat all

right um it's

like it seems like she's annoyed that

she has to go to her family Thanksgiving

instead of giving him a [ __ ] so now

she's calling out things like and he's

such a

Manor we wouldn't even be in this

situation if I could have just blown him

in private but now we have to go to my

family holiday yeah and you're like and

she's like why am I so turned on by this

m like okay um

so initially on the motorcycle she's

like freaking out about the whole thing

but then she like really enjoys the

vibration um and also while you

haven't explicitly said this some part

of this that I'm just telling you that

I'm filling in is

I know Jennifer was like the number one

name of like the late 7s early 80s and

so when we were saying she's in her

early 20s I'm fully

imagining that this is like

2004 I know so many

Jennifers like a ridiculous amount of

Jennifers a ridiculous amount I mean my

sister-in-law is a Jennifer I know so

many Jennifers see yeah I know a lot of

Jennifers and so I was like

like trying to not Envision them as

you're reading it cuz there are

sometimes where you like read a book and

you're like they have the same name as

this one person I know and this main

character is a badass way to represent

and then there are some books that

you're like why would you do this to all

the Jennifers of the world right like a

Jennifer

Jennifer I was rooting for you we were

all rooting for you you get it um yeah

so so she's super into the ride the ride

right yes and they get to her parents

house he pulls up in parks and he says

um that she needs to kiss him because he

is going to pretend to be her boyfriend

and that's like the excuse for why he's

there we still don't understand like why

are we having Thanksgiving dinner

instead of a [ __ ] like I don't like

why are we doing

that but that's what he wants and so

Jennifer doesn't get it either and so

she's just going with it I'm going to

pretend to be your boyfriend to explain

why we're at this family holiday that

your family's not even expecting you to

be at

right right so she's like I'm not

kissing you and he like pulls her into

him and pulls her dress down because her

ass is fully hanging out cuz she was

wearing this like super tight clubbing

dress on the back of a motorcycle and so

it rode up and um so

she she says I can't believe my cat

trusts you and he says what can I say

I'm a [ __ ]

charmer of course he

does

so obviously the story is going to

continue to develop yeah it sure is I

just can't imagine this relationship

lasting well so the thing is that she

finds all of this endearing like he's

funny and like cute for her this

situation oh that's how she's

experiencing it we are experiencing it

differently very differently very

differently yeah um but you know good

for you Jennifer someone for everyone

100% yeah and part of it not for me me

either um but she realizes like hold on

a second I'm never going to see this man

again like once we have this

Thanksgiving together I never have to

see him or be embarrassed by my family's

Behavior or anything ever again so I'm

just going to roll with it and have fun

like because she talks about in her

previous relationships her family has

always scared off like previous

boyfriends because they're so [ __ ]

out of pocket um

so well he all raccoon uh raccoon also

seems to be a bit out of pocket uh yeah

mhm a little bit Yeah so so she's

like calling her family's Bluff and

bringing someone who's even more out of

pocket yes how can we one up the out of

pocket this how can we find larger

Pockets I was honestly just thinking

more of how like girls are always

excited to have pockets I

know yeah pockets are pretty awesome

yeah and if I could have jeno jeans siiz

pocket that is not a jeno jeans siiz

pants in reality yeah

H saw someone was complaining about a

brand recently and they're like if

you're wearing these pants I'm

automatically not into you and I like

hadn't heard of the brand and when I

looked them up I was like oh that's the

new jeno got it ah got it cool cool cool

cool cool this feels great and jenos

came back of course they did I'm like

just make sure you hem them before it

gets rainy

that was always a thing though like to

have them frayed in the back and like

whatever yeah it was always a balance of

like having them look cool and frayed

but also not long enough that if you

were you were wet to your knees yeah you

were wet to your knees or like you like

would just trip on them like you like

couldn't walk in them right yeah I

remember a lot of extra fabric I

remember my mom always like cuffing like

the neighbor Hood kids pants when they'd

be over and I'm like you're probably

ruining like in retrospect I'm like

you're probably ruining the aesthetic

that they think they're going for but

you're just out there going you

literally keep tripping just let me help

you you don't look cool you keep

tripping that's such a mom thing to do

though and unfortunately it's absolutely

something that I know I will do like I

am I am that person we all know it like

I don't want to be but it's always like

oh like I see that you have the let let

me help you let me make this easier for

you but I will ask for consent before I

start cuffing people's

jeans and then if they don't accept my

help I'm going to laugh in their [ __ ]

face when they fall down when they fall

in their Jingo

je hopefully they will go out of style

by the time Ford has friends

over like I mean we've got he's one and

a half right now we have time at the

time of recording his one and a half by

the time this episode drops would be

probably just shy of his

twoyear yeah if he's I don't know if

they make baby jenos I hope

not that sounds

dangerous yeah he already struggles to

walk as it is

exactly he sometimes like you know how

like toddlers would do like the Tippy

Toe walk he walks like a normal ass kid

with both feet on the ground and then

sometimes he forgets and then he just

like starts Tippy Toe walking but then

like realizes he's like unstable and

then he just looks more drunk and he

just like Falls across the room going

between normal walking and Tippy Toe

walking he's like a yeah and I'm

like he I I swear he is absolutely

sober looking at him I was like but I

get why people say that toddlers are

just tiny drunk humans cuz they are some

messy [ __ ] yeah oh most of what they

do is pretty out of pocket oh but it's

so cute yeah but only because they're

tiny humans when grown humans do that

it's not cute that is also true as

someone who's probably done a Tippy Toe

walk when I've been drunk not

cute I've been

cuter yeah not my best moments and yeah

if I'm ranking them okay so he pulls her

dress down y to make sure her butt is

covered but and she's like I'm just

going to accept and embrace this I don't

have to see my family after this I don't

have to see him after this it's just

going to be me and my cat living in

peace yep my healthy cat my healthy cat

as long as we get through this dinner

yep so her mom answers the door and is

really weird like Stepford wifey um and

she tells her mom that raccoon's name is

Howard because she realizes she can't be

like this is raccoon because that's

[ __ ] weird so she's like this is my

boyfriend

Howard and he is deeply offended by the

name Howard

um he's like do I look like a [ __ ]

Howard seriously what his legal name

raccoon uh no we find out eventually

that it's

Thornton but that is mentioned one time

she never calls him that his first name

is Thornton yes I went to elementary

school in middle school with a guy whose

last name was thoron H it was like Jack

thoron or something it was like a strong

that's a good name it was yeah but I I

feel like thoron is more of a last name

to me yeah uh again it's like such a

throwaway thing like she asks at one

point like wait a minute is your real

name raccoon and he's like it's Thornton

like okay and that's it my bad raccoon

um but anyway um she tells raccoon that

her mom just ignores anything she

doesn't agree with so like don't be

offended if she doesn't even acknowledge

you like that's the level of like she

ignores anything that doesn't fit for

her that's an interesting sort of

familial chaos yeah it gets worse um so

they put the cat in the guest

room and um she is like awkward around

him like he's he's wanting to touch her

and like get closer to her and she's

like pulling away from him like what is

happening like she's like you aren't

actually my boyfriend right and she's

like I was willing to give you a [ __ ]

when it was for my cat but like you like

literally anybody can suck your dick

like I I'm not into this right now like

um and he's like oh well if that's the

problem that's no issue like you are I I

want you to be my monogamous girlfriend

for real um and we'll definitely [ __ ] by

the end of the day like no stress on

that um wait what what no pause stop

yeah we took a hard pivot hard pivot I

wasn't ready hard pivot I still don't

think I'm

ready

so we've just fully left the a [ __ ]

for your cat's life yeah to I don't want

a [ __ ] I want to be your fake

boyfriend at your family Thanksgiving uh

to I want to be your real boyfriend yep

and will [ __ ] by the end of the day

where your whole family can hear you

scream that was the end of the sentence

Oh No thank you yeah yeah and I well you

know that unfortunately not quite the

same

our favorite

segue are you going to tell the story

about I'm going to tell the Toy Story

yeah you

are yes

so earlier this

year uh my husband and I and our son we

decided we were going to go up and visit

my parents who live on a lake um and so

we were going to go spend the weekend on

the lake with them for fourth not for

4th of July it was for Father's Day my

sister and brother-in-law are also there

for Father's Day weekend just felt

important to know all of us are in this

house the whole whole family is whole

family is together for this and as I'm

packing for this I see my vibrator as an

option of something I can pack and I go

we're we're a young cool couple still we

might have a son but we still get it in

yeah I'm going to be a little edgy I'm

going to be a little daring I'm going to

pack my vibrator for the weekend family

trip for Father's Day on the lake all

well and good we go through the whole

trip we all have a great time hanging

out um at one point I had like when I

was unpacking my suitcase I showed V I

was like look what I brought hahaa and

like put it under the pillow didn't

think anything of it moved on with my

life moved on with my life to the point

that we're an hour and a half into the

drive home from my parents house and I

look at van and I go did you happen to

grab the vibrator and he goes from where

and I was like oh [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] me

this is not

great oh no and I like I text Hannah

yeah you did and I'm like

Hannah we are like over an hour away

from my parents house I just realize

that we like left the vibrator under the

pillow

there and

now I don't know what to do and I like

text my cousins as well we were like

brainstorming like Okay so do you let

them know it's there do we leave it as a

surprise and I was like I don't really

feel any need to draw attention to this

they will find it at some point when the

sheets are changed um I'm just going to

move on with my life and move on with my

day I order a replacement and move

on so um several hours later we have

made it successfully back home it's like

a 4 and a half so it's like the evening

at this point and they apparently

changed the sheets MH

because my dad texts a photo he takes a

and like text a photo of my

vibrator captioned missing something

with like a crying laughing emoji but

the problem was my dad didn't check the

text thread so he thought he was sending

it to me my husband him and my mom just

like the four of us but instead he sent

it to me my husband him my mom and my

mother-in

law I forgot about

that I wish I could forget about it

because my mother-in-law just like puts

a question mark on the photo she's like

why is my son's father-in-law texting me

a picture of a fire it's like a closeup

photo as well

like and my dad just goes oops haha

wrong thr and she just thumbs uped it

and moved on with her day and we haven't

spoken about it so I'm like I don't does

she think we were all on the wrong

thread does she know it was ours we have

not discussed it at all but I don't need

to no but if ever you're having a bad

day I just want you to stop and think

well has my dad texted my motherin-law a

photo of my vibrator

today cuz if not I think that's a

helpful refer and then your mom shipped

it back to you with a greeting card God

the greeting card was the best

part my mom did mail it back with a like

also just like she had like [ __ ]

bubble wrap laying around their house

like she like put it in protective

layering um and

then the sent it with a card that had

balloons on the front and said let's

party and when you opened it it said

woohoo

so glad you can be reconnected with your

special friend love you Mom and

Dad

yeah also when we were texting on the

correct thread that did not have my

mother-in-law on it my mom went yeah

when I found it I just thought oh are

they leaving me a tip no Mom Jesus WEP

no Mom that is not at no point was I

leaving you gift

vibrator unpackaged under the pillow of

your guest

bed yeah

so that absolutely happened yeah it

did feels like a fever dream at this

point but like I when so my phone was

having a hard time loading the text and

so I didn't actually see the text from

my Dad I just saw

it said like a a text from Terry my

mother-in-law and so I like open it and

I just see a question mark but I don't

know and I was like what would this

question mark and I was like what would

my dad be I was like surely how no this

doesn't the math ain't mathing there's

no way that these would be connected I

was like Vance I need your phone I need

your phone right now I need your phone

in this minute and his text had come

through properly we have different

providers and so uh I I don't think I

caught my breath for a solid 20 like I

was in tear is laughing on the floor

like I could not get it together I could

not like my abs hurt for the rest of the

day after that I was like

I okay yeah yeah

so um well that's not exactly what

raccoon is trying to accomplish here

like the I'll have you screaming so loud

your family can hear it maybe you'll get

a greeting card after

Jennifer except your mom congratulations

your mom doesn't acknowledge things that

make her feel uncomfy yeah although I

don't think my mom felt uncomfy I

thought I think my mom thought this is a

great opportunity to roast my daughter

and she took it and she nailed it if I'm

being honest

yeah great work kudos to you

kada very impressive okay so he's now

like you're gonna be my girlfriend also

just so we know mhm how long is this

book 10 50 something pages okay that

tracks yeah it didn't feel like there

was really enough time for this to be

fully developed be fully baked we moving

a swiftness yeah so they are like he has

her against a wall um and her

16-year-old sister walks in dressed like

a novice which is a nun in training

she's wearing like a long brown skirt

and like the the partial wimple or

whatever I don't know what it's called

um oh I I was about to say is it called

a wimple I've never heard that well like

in a habit the head covering is a wimple

I don't know if novices wear

wimples I have never heard the word

wimple before so I just learned that

today and this is a great word to use

we're saying the word wimple so many

times it's a fun word to say it is also

my mother's maiden name is Whipple huh

like the don't squeeze the charman

okay

yeah and this is why she sends me

greeting cards when I accidentally leave

my no further explanation I think I

think we've all learned a lot about me

today yeah we have more than we may have

anticipated it's good okay so her sister

shows up dressed like a nun in training

and not I'm assuming not just dressed

like one it's not like Halloween like

she is a none in training if she was

just dressed like one and wasn't one I

would have more questions that would be

weirder yeah so she's 16 and she calls

them how old do you have to be you know

I don't actually know um um but she

calls them [ __ ] Sinners and like

storms out of the room I don't think

that's a word nuns use and readily

raccoon's like so uh you never told me

your sister was so devout like what is

happening right now you never told me

did you know I had a sister raccoon in

the hours we've known each other if that

at this point [ __ ] what's my middle

name what's my last name for that matter

um so Jennifer explains that like her

sister has converted to several

religions through the years like every

time she sees her she's a new religion

um and so like once she asked Jennifer's

boyfriend for his blood and SN for a

spell and the guy like ran from the

house and like never returned um so

that's like Jennifer's experience with

her boyfriends like they just get

freaked out by her family doing weird

[ __ ] um like there's one about like her

sister was on some kind of vegan thing

and like was telling everybody about how

meat is murder anytime they would eat

she would like berate people for eating

animal products and all like her

sister's just like a very unique

individual someone who feels their

feelings and feels them fully yes and

expresses them LLY expresses them even

more than she feels them yes yes um so

they actually have she and raccoon

actually have like a pretty good laugh

about the whole thing um and she thinks

that you know this is really nice um but

also he's an insane person because he's

like hey you're my girlfriend now like

if that's what's holding you back

monogamous no problem and she's like

what are you saying to me so question

does he only Grant One Wish per holiday

or does he any however many however many

he can get in like a lot but there was

something about her

yep okay yep yep keep going so he like

do you want to be that special or do you

not want to be that special for him uh

uh personally no thank you like I don't

think I want to be that special to

anyone that's a

lot but like outside of my husband no

thank you oh yeah

mhm okay yeah sorry keep going I just no

it's okay I have some some thoughts on

it some feelings on well and you're

going to have more um because he he

kisses her super passionately tells her

to like grind down on his thigh and

stuff and they are like super into it um

and she realizes like she can't do this

with him like she actually is a virgin

he doesn't realize that he was kind of

like mocking her with like being a

virgin but she really is and she's not

super experienced and she does not want

to be like Swept Away by this dude that

she doesn't know that she doesn't really

trust which also for giving her some

credit I imagine that like if you are

not very sexually experienced and you're

about to give someone a blowj job who

that is their primary source of payment

I understand why she was feeling super

stressed and anxious okay that is that

is some helpful context right yeah um

and so she like bites him to get him

like off of her because she like kind of

realizes like oh my God like we're

making out super hard and like I'm

really turned on and like this is

freaking me out and so she like bites

his lip to get him to back off and he

responds that like I knew it was you I'm

a lucky man will make beautiful babies

wait and she's like

what what the [ __ ] are you saying to me

and he just like leaves the room and

she's like okay so she goes to the

bathroom to like clean up her makeup and

stuff and um she then starts to realize

like oh my God he's downstairs with my

family by himself like oh [ __ ] and so

she like Sprints down the stairs and um

her aunt is just openly propositioning

him like I know that my niece probably

can't take care of you the way that I

can like like openly

like you could get it like in the living

room um and where to shoot your shot I

mean good for you I guess she's like in

her 60s and like just doing what she

wants do she also have a cat that needs

saving apparently

hey so

um and and like Jennifer is in his lap

while this is happening like oh he like

pulled her into his lap when she came

down the stairs and the aunt is

continuing to be like oh that is extra

that's not how I thought that I thought

like she like walked in the room and it

was like happening like ended was like

how I was filling in that narrative not

a hey I'm clearly here with your niece

and she's like but why be here with her

when you could be here with me instead

exactly and you don't even need to be

here with me I've just got some holes

you might like

right what a line I know it's so much

I've got some holes for you so he shuts

her down and is like you know I used to

[ __ ] anything and I absolutely would

have banged you um but I only have eyes

for Jennifer now so have a great day and

like leaves it that and it's

like okay

what huh so then so cuz she bit his lip

then he's like I always knew it was you

yeah and then he left and then and told

her they would make beautiful babies

together and the babies right and then

she's like I don't know what the [ __ ] is

happening then goes downstairs and her

aunt is propositioning him he pulls her

onto his lap and is like I Only Have

Eyes For This specimen in front of me

right if only we had met hours ago I

would have [ __ ] you but now that I've

met your niece the answer is no like

that's literally only we met on

Thanksgiving Eve this could have been a

whole different

situation yes you get it so um

Jennifer's brother is in the room and he

freaks out because raccoon is like I

only have eyes for your niece and she's

the only one I'll be [ __ ] so thank

you so much and her brother is like I

will [ __ ] fight you and raccoon's

like okay kiddo like you're adorable and

immediately just pins him and is like

you are ruining your mother's perfectly

lovely Thanksgiving I'm not going to be

hearing any more from you today all I

will be hearing from you is how can I

help when you ask your mother how you

can support her you are a little [ __ ]

and just like shuts him all down is he

actually a little [ __ ] or is it yeah no

like it does feel like a reasonable

thing to be like hey I'm going to be

protective of my sister but that's not

the energy it's he's like he clearly has

anger issues and there's like little

stuff sprinkled in about his anger

issues this is an ongoing thing like he

regularly flies off the handle for

little to no reason um okay so it's not

like nice chalous big brother moment

it's not protective it's just okay I was

misinterpreting that it's like an

intermittent explosive disorder kind of

moment more than anything um some

impulse control issues happening there

yeah okay so then raccoon tells

Jennifer to go upstairs because he wants

to base her turkey again direct

quote so I mean one would have to hope

if you were just casually put listen I

know sometimes you get a couple drinks

in when you're doing your outline

you Choose Your Own Adventure how you

describe things and I could totally see

being like it's a Thanksgiving book and

T basted her turkey

heo I do feel better that those are not

the words you landed on

yourself yeah my outlines are sometimes

a journey in and of themselves um but

this isn't that so I mean it is but in a

different way so um I know his name is

Patrick but at some point I just started

writing out Big Daddy p and

every like that's that takes longer it

does it's

like it's like what was that one where

like his name was Fallon and I called

him Jimmy the whole time oh or like

cinnabun whoever was yes it was the same

book it was how to get drunk and save a

demon or whatever or that time I got

drunk and got drunk and saved a

man I had a whole experience on that

book go back and listen to that one if

you have not it it's a journey That's a

classic it is a classic yeah so she

thinks that he's asking her to go

upstairs like Jennifer thinks that

raccoon is asking her to go upstairs

because he's going to be like hey so

your family is [ __ ] banana pants and

I'm out like did he already say the word

space her her

he did yeah but she based on her

experience cuz that's always happened

with all of her previous boyfriends as

soon as they meet her family they're

like out um and so um they get up to the

room and he kind of looks at her for a

second and he's like

hey would you do you need to cry like

that's okay cuz she's clearly really

upset and so he just holds her for a

little bit um like a good five-hour

boyfriend does yeah so thoughtful so she

so mindful so

demor all of these like what the [ __ ]

does demure mean Tik toks are incredible

by the way yeah it it was super funny

because Vance was even he like I keep

seeing the word demure everywhere and I

was like let me show you the Tik Tok

he's like oh this makes so much more

sense now very deure very mindful

very remember that how we showed up to

the interview is how we show up to the

job so my friend is a high school

teacher and she made a bulletin board

about how do we act in the hallways very

demure very mindful

like she made up I love how quickly like

this Tik Tok took off and like cuz I saw

someone posted uh like it looked like it

was more like Elementary age but like

they had made

classroom signs that were like talking

about like sharpening your pencil before

your before

like subject very

mindful it's the

best so okay so he's being very sweet

and is actually he's like he's like do

you need to cry because like this is a

[ __ ] lot he's like you can cry like

that'd be okay like like I get why you

weren't going to invite me your

long-term boyfriend to family

Thanksgiving like I totally understand

so um she I don't remember how exactly

it comes about but she confirms that she

is in fact a virgin and he's like hold

up hold up hold up for real he's like

you grab my dick and balls for

real he's like wow in retrospect there

were some very charged moments for

someone who's never had those

experiences before yeah he's like oh

okay damn so he then tells her that he

is like they are genetically compatible

and he is not

human and I mean he does have yellow

eyes so I feel like we can't we can't be

that shocked here no I mean I feel like

definitely

the the groundwork has been

laid keep going

Hannah anyway for Hannah was just having

some really great hand motions to really

uh show the groundwork being

late my I needed my hands to help me

find my words you get it I do

unfortunately that is a very real thing

um and he's like

listen you are compatible I've been

looking for you like and I want to like

is this like a faded mates thing

it seems that way but like not because

it he doesn't say like you're my f

you're the only one right but it's like

I've been looking for a compatible human

and it's you like I I finally found you

um and so he tells her like I want to

tell you everything but I can't focus

because I'm so turned on I'm having a

really hard time explaining myself which

feels like such a straight guideline

like listen baby I know that we need to

have this super deep emotional

conversation but like I'm just so

attracted to you in this

moment I got to bang one out first

until I come we will not be able to use

full sentences

so what you going to do about it so she

offers to blow him she's like okay he's

like I want to have this serious

conversation but my dick is just too

hard for it and she's like no problem

let me help allow me to meet that need

that I thought I was going to have to

meet anyway we literally could have

started and ended at the [ __ ] and

this book wouldn't have even happened we

could have um so he says like yes and

this is perfect because I'll show you

how I essentially give people anything

they want but the price is a [ __ ]

I'll show

you so what do you want like what what

do you need right now and she says a

toaster I need a toaster and he's like

perfect get on your

knees okay go on so exact words are get

on your knees and daddy will get you a

new

toaster so she okay is this Drew Cary on

the prices

right thank you for saying

Drew Cary instead of Bob

Barker because that feels Blasphemous

somehow I couldn't do Bob like that we

couldn't do Bob like

that oh my

God

so okay I I won't have questions yeah

hold your questions cuz it's going to

get worse so she blows him he tastes

like apple cider and he tells her that

he can change his taste depending on

like what people are into um and so I

like that you said apple cider and I

heard you say apple cider vinegar no and

I was like not the flavor I'm hoping for

in that moment but also great for my

long-term Health needs excellent for my

microbiome but like not good for my

taste

buds I don't know why I did that voice

sorry for my

microbio you're like I can change the

Taste of my semen so I made it healthy

for you you son of a

[ __ ] it's like on Parks and wreck when

Leslie is like they offered to put kale

in my milkshake you guys my

milkshake also thinking about parks and

wreck when they like upped all of the

sizes so like the small was like child

SI child size was like over 500 o or

something

ridiculous like that's the child size

the sugar problems with

sedums yes okay so he has changed is it

his seen is the is he changing the SE

flavor it's the the precom flavor like

his flavor okay so it's not like he's

changing the flavor of the whole ollipop

no yes yeah just the Tootsie Roll

filling yeah I hated that but I didn't

really feel like I had better lollipop

analogies well again hold it cuz it's

going to get worse so as she is blowing

him like he's starting to get to the

point where he's about to come and he

tells her to grab his balls and feel and

she's like oh it's growing and is

toaster about to pop out of his dick and

a toaster shoots out of his dick yeah

100%

you no no Hannah yeah you take that back

I can't because that's what Leila Fay

wrote I understand why it works

different for pets

yeah so like he like pulls back from her

and shoots a toaster onto the

bed yeah it's teal apparently she's very

into

it yeah

so she's super confused by the whole

situation yep yep she is but he won't

answer any of her questions and he's

like

no can't answer anything until you sit

on my face and she's like what what's

going to come out of

her just regular [ __ ] oh thank God no

toasters were involved in the making of

This orgasm I'm like you just heard a

little chirp and a little so chick pops

out like I'm Terri ified of what happens

in this book

now not

relevant however there was there's this

single that came out recently called my

body is a dive bar and this the the

refrain from that song that plays on my

in my head on repeat like all the time

is um if you ask for one I'll always

bring two because my face is a bar stool

waiting for

you and that's

like such the energy here where he's

like babe I get that we have a lot to

talk about but like

listen not quite the

same but also reminds me and I think

we've talked about this before of that

rap song my cousin wrote and

recorded that was like I only deal with

nines and T unless she's a seven and

bringing her

friends which is honestly still such a

good lie it really is

actually

yeah yeah okay so he's like sit on my

face yep and so she does she's nervous

but she goes for it obviously um is that

her first

time yes okay yeah her first time giving

a [ __ ] her first time receiving yeah

so it's not just that she's like of a

virgin as far as like actual penetration

it's like the overall her sexual

experiences as a whole right have been

relatively limited up until now brand

new yeah um and so um she has like an

incredible orgasm and she was not quiet

um he did want her to scream for her

family to hear and she does and um he's

talking about how much he'd like to [ __ ]

her and there's lots of dirty talk

involved but then somebody screams

downstairs oh and she's like oh [ __ ] and

he he tells her before she like runs out

of the room I'm keeping your panties

don't flash anybody cuz she's wearing

this like super short dress he's like

I'm not giving these back good luck and

like so they get downstairs and her cat

has eaten the turkey and so her mom had

like screamed and is now like curled up

in a ball on the floor crying and

panicking because there's no turkey and

so

I how what like I understand understand

that a cat is a carnivore and is going

to be eating some meat and how much of

the turkey cuz I can't imagine that a

cat took down a whole family bird so she

says like we can just cut around the

part that he ate like it'll be okay like

you know and her mom is like it's ruined

like we can't okay yeah so the turkey

does still exist we're just

catastrophizing right and Jennifer

offers solution her mom is not receptive

to that solution

I offered solutions to my client in

session yesterday and she didn't want

any solution in 40 minutes in

I was maybe like what do you

want so I had somebody who was very

upset with me a couple of weeks ago and

she was ripping into me like as a person

like going in and I was like okay okay

so um I just want to be very clear about

what your what your goals are for this

conversation do you want me to respond

or are you just wanting to to vent your

feelings because either one is okay I

just want to make sure I'm meeting your

needs here and she was like no this

should be a conversation and I was like

Okie

[Laughter]

doie okay well you clarified here we are

yeah so buckle in buddy because you just

called me a lot of names

so anyway um so being a clinician is

really like the best thing ever such a

unique experience but there are those

moments where you're like this is really

showing me my Humanity in a way I did

not anticipate today yeah and you're

like I might need to sit on this one a

little bit much like Jennifer and

raccoon here right but likey actually

maybe not like them we get fired if it's

like that

yeah not in a professional setting yeah

at any point just with our husband my

joke went off the rails anyway hard left

anyway so raccoon with our

husband so raccoon is like we'll get

another turkey no problem and and he's

like just get on your knees for me yeah

drags Jennifer back upstairs and she

blows him I was joking Hannah while

touching herself I apologize that I keep

ruining the plot twist in this book

because I keep just making what I think

are outlandish jokes and you go

correct yeah so I deeply apologize cuz

I'm not trying to steal your thunder in

this every time I've guessed I've been

like surely this is so ridiculous this

isn't what's going to happen oh it it's

what happens all right so yeah she blows

him while she's touching herself they

both come a turkey shoots at his dick

like before they go go upstairs he's

like do you have a roasting pan like to

her mom and he's like I don't want it to

fall on the floor or anything and

so is it a raw turkey no no it's fully

cooked um is it fully

seasoned yeah mhm but they are um he's

like we we're going to have to heat it

up cuz it's like body temperature so

he's like we can pop it in the oven for

like a cool 20 or 30 Skin's already nice

and crispy no need to panic

that is mentioned that the skin is

crispy that is

mentioned okay keep going so I love that

you're doing a self hug right now but

like around my neck like it's like

extra I'm like I'm like trying to fully

ground myself I see that it's not going

to help so Jennifer is like super

fascinated by this she's like oh my God

look at that and raccoon starts to freak

out that he has scared her away he's

like oh my God like this was too much

I'm so sorry like this was too much the

tur the the toaster was fine the

turkey's the problem he's like please

don't like leave me like uh please

whatever please don't leave this entire

relationship we've built over the last 6

hours hours so she is actually like

super grateful to him but she feels

really weird about feeding her family

turkey that came out of his penis um yes

Jennifer Yes penis turkey because when

they say where did you just get this

turkey from what's your

answer we'll get there so [ __ ]

hell raccoon is like why do you care

like they clearly don't care about you

you just gave me a [ __ ] to save your

mom's Thanksgiving like who cares where

the turkey came from she's like well you

know that is great perspective and he's

like you know and we can heat it up like

well we're going to put it back in the

oven so it's not like it's it's going to

be sterilized or whatever like it's fine

um I remember when I was in high school

I worked at a country club and me and

several of the servers I was the only

server there who was a minor right um

and so it was also one of those things

where I was like the normal hospitality

industry Dynamics were very much in full

swing and I was just sitting there and

too

Youngy yeah but one night I ended up

going out to Applebee's for drinks after

our shift ended and you could tell one

of the girls I was I forget what

happened but like she annoyed the

server and when the drinks got delivered

she goes she probably spit in this the

other girl goes alcohol kills the germs

just chug it you're

fine that was and I'm like yeah yeah I

mean to be fair if she's spitting in

Tequila you're probably you're you're

going to be be fine on that yeah you're

probably going to be okay like shitty of

her but also who cares really yes and

that's what

I kills the germs who gives a [ __ ] like

we're going to we're going to heat it up

it's fine but she like can't do it she's

like okay no you're right but then they

sit down to dinner and her brother this

whole time by the way is like serving

food and like respectful and not a dick

and so she's like before the family can

eat it she's like the tur the turkey

came out of raccoon's dick

like and uh no one acknowledges it and

they all just eat it and it's

delicious so okay just thinking about if

I'm at my family Thanksgiving and

everyone is serving their plates up and

they're sitting at the table and we're

about to have the full meal

and I

shout this turkey came out of Vance's

dick I would expect some sort of

reaction right like you need some Hound

all what the [ __ ] yeah like I don't

think my family is just going to

go give me my fork and knife right like

we're not going to just

casually eat the dick turkey no we're

going to have some questions about the

dick turkey their family culture is

clearly like steeped in denial so

like yeah they just eat the

turkey but it's not even steeped in

denial because she literally told them

right but they're denying the

information are they denying it or are

they just accepting it and going Believe

It or Not Jennifer not a deal breaker

for us you know that's not

disclosed I'm making an assumption yeah

cuz she I mean she did tell them she did

tell them and that's her whole thing

she's like well I warned them she's like

she like clearly I'll eat the dick

turkey I put my mouth on the Dick

delicious and I got a new toaster out of

it

juicy seasoned well

succulent was there stuffing in it you

know I don't know okay honestly I feel

better that that's not

described I get that sorry keep going so

then he is touching her under the table

until she really can't take it anymore

and she's like okay so we're going home

bye everybody like love you bye and um

she is worried about riding on his

motorcycle without underwear on cuz

she's had no panties on this whole time

and he reveals that he has a tail that

he can um like magic away but he lets it

out to warm her vagina on the motorcycle

so they do that and he's like teasing

her the whole way way with

it um she doesn't she's lost her key

somehow for her apartment so she blows

him to make a key like this like it's

we're just [ __ ] for days like we're

three [ __ ] deep yeah so another one

in this afternoon right and this one's

in an alley because they can't get into

the apartment building so like she blows

him to make an apartment key I'm also

just going to like thr throw out

something

crazy if you don't like it you can send

it right

back

locksmith could have been could have

been what if he was a locksmith and that

was

his yep no no problem I can get that

door

unlocked just let me unzip my

pants my dick is the key oh my God I'm

sorry I could only unlock doors on

federal

holidays yeah so logically they're

locked out of her apartment and she

blows them for a new key that perfectly

fits her door obviously yeah so then

they get into her apartment and she's

really like kind of nervous about oh God

like we're are we going to [ __ ] now like

I don't know and he tells her that he

just wants to hold her and like explain

what's going on like he realizes this

whole day has been a whirlwind for her

and he wants to like explain what's

going on so he tells her that his

great-grandfather was a Tanuki which is

a Japanese raccoon dog right um you get

it and so they are

literally the logo for fight

entertainment is a Tanuki my husband's

Media company that oh yeah Tanuki Mario

it was a yeah uh not going to lie I was

walking through Target and this girl was

like look daddy raccoon Mario like she

was like it's some sort of animal he's

like yeah it's a raccoon Mario and he's

like having this sweet moment with his

daughter and I was like I'm not going to

ruin it but as as I was walking past I

was like it's a

Tanuki but he's having a sweet moment

with the daughter so I'm not going to

take it from him but like right you are

misinformed right it is a

Tanuki a Japanese raccoon dog it's a

Japanese raccoon dog and according to

this

book they are magical and um I wouldn't

be surprised by that would have to tag

my my husband in for more I think that

there is lore cuz I looked it up to like

look up the pictures and stuff there is

some lore that they are magical um but I

I don't know that it's like the way it's

described in this book I don't know that

culturally we're honoring the Tanuki um

so I feel like we're not honoring a lot

of things in this book yeah so um

there's a whole thing about like his dad

didn't think he was a Tanuki like he

didn't think it passed to him are

shifters they are technically um but

they don't shift very often um okay so

Tanuki shifters who don't actually shift

very often but have Tanuki like powers

powers so um his dad didn't think it

passed to him until he was having sex

with raccoon's mom and when he came he

didn't realize like he made a wedding

ring and she had to go have it like

surgically removed because it like

embedded inside of her and it was like a

whole thing and that's how he realized

like he did inherit these Powers um and

so a a full-blooded Tanuki I guess is

able

to come however and make whatever but

because he is only a part to Nuki

someone else has to make him come right

so raccoon Shar for explaining Hannah I

apologize for

laughing I get it so raccoon shares that

like he had a girlfriend before and she

got tired of constantly having to help

him because he explains that like his

balls are a magnet for magic and they

have to be like it has to be expelled or

he becomes like he's in pain because of

it okay again very classic straight guy

response I feel like um why are you

doing this to me why are you leaving my

balls in this

state you know blue balls can can be

fatal like okay buddy the Magic's just

too powerful unless I let it

out

exactly so then Jennifer is like well

I'll be with you like I'll help you like

thank you for explaining everything like

it has been like 8 hours at this point

no we're fully committ my my mic in a

fit of rage damn it Vance sorry so fully

committed and he's like let's go pop

your cherry literally direct quote so

he's like it was just such a burden in

my last relationship that I had to expel

the magic and my balls so often and

she's like oh my gosh she was so over it

what a poor unfortunate experience that

you've had let me help you yeah he's

like I'd be watching watching TV with my

girlfriend and she'd like half-heartedly

give me a hand job because she just

couldn't be bothered I'm like okay buddy

so anyway yeah and you know what me

[ __ ] too right because he says it's

like 10 to 12 times a day at his like

peak of his magic and he's not there

anymore so it's not going to be that

much but like that's what it was when he

was with this girl and I'm like baby

girl did you have to wear a brace like

the carpal tunnel alone holy [ __ ]

develop CJ I lost my enthusiasm around

[ __ ] number six [ __ ] like I I

can't keep this level of excitement up

for 12 10 to 12 blow jobs a day you are

getting a lackluster handy at some point

it could be sex but also that is too

much well never want a chance a toaster

shooting inside of me well we'll get

there so

no so sexy times in

Su okay cuz he's going to help her pop

her cherry okay right lots of

degradation talk she's super into it um

and he is very sweet to her he's like

you're so perfect I'm like afraid you're

going to disappear cuz you're so amazing

he kisses her belly and he's like this

is where our babies are going to grow um

and he says that he will make his

pre-com sterile and he won't come inside

her um because he knows she's not ready

for all that so he's like I get it it's

been a cool eight hours we can hold off

on making a

baby um a gentle it's

implied so she plays with his tail which

she realizes is an erogenous Zone which

is a whole thing has some nerve endings

yeah okay and then when he finally comes

he pulls out and shoots off confetti and

he's like congratulations on your

deflowering yeah I don't know if it's

worth that the party confetti is coming

out of his dick or if someone hit a

party

popper neither is good so just imagine

Hannah just imagine losing your

virginity and the guy reaches over and

Pops a party

popper and says congrats on your

deflowering really de flowering is the

worst of that whole scenario for me yeah

I think it depends on if he's still

inside party popper

uh-huh

yeah that would be a problem for me I'm

sorry keep going so um that's it the

epilog wait what the

epilog that's it the book ends with him

shooting confetti out of his dick and

saying congrats on your

deflowering yeah and

then Jennifer is on her period she's on

her couch she's miserable raccoon is

moving in with her um and he's like oh

I'll run to the store for whatever you

need like give me a list whatever um and

she you can't give me that many [ __ ]

back to

back she's like well what I want is hot

buttered rum with whipped cream and

takes his dick out and blows him for it

and he like comes into a cup okay this

is the third time that I made this joke

and you've been

right um and then she uses his tail as a

heating pad and then just crwl up on the

couch together and that is the end of

the

book huh

mhm

mhm huh

mhm wow

yeah thanks Leila

Fay mhm

huh I've this whole time I've been like

what's the rating scale here is hot

buttered rum is it confetti is it

toaster ovens is it cats you know we

have the same toaster oven and it's a

pretty

awesome to want to go toaster ovens we

can okay we can go cute cute toaster

ovens go cute toaster oven um I'm going

to go out of eight cuz I assume that's

how many hours they knew each other

um based on context clues um oh I forgot

to say so he tells her that the cat was

healed from the beginning because that's

one of his powers I forgot to mention

the cat the cat's

fine so there's

that wait no yeah you

stop this man

healed the cat before they even went to

her family's

house I don't love that no it feels very

manipulative and ick yeah just tell her

man yeah just tell her hey I already

healed your cat non issue didn't even

have to to come for it m

and my payment

will be you coming me coming to your

family

Thanksgiving yeah what an interesting

take on Thanksgiving yeah yeah MH MH so

eight toaster ovens eight toaster ovens

um

three yeah I mean four would be 50% yeah

three feels

goodish you know

because it was a unique story I've never

read anything like it I can say that

with confidence and like there's other

stuff in there like he tells her he

can't like make her a car because his

sack can only stretch so far so like but

he can make her as much cash cash as she

wants so

like there's other weird stuff in there

like it's an interesting story

um the character development I felt like

wasn't there at all I I I don't think

Leila was going for character

development in this one no but I wasn't

invested in them or like their story I

it felt like it was more for like and

then a toaster shot out of his dick and

like you know which is cool if that's

what you're going for that's fine you

get a toaster and you get a toaster and

you get a turkey like okay

I still have more questions around this

only happening on banking holidays well

I think that's just when he chose to

make himself available like he he will

reverse most people work the other days

and then don't work on banking holidays

and he's like I exclusively work on

banking holidays and I expect my

girlfriend to satisfy the 10 to 12 times

a day I need outside of well it's not 10

to 12 times anymore it's like once or

twice a day

which still I'm like oh my God yeah well

there were three on

Thanksgiving but one of those to be fair

was to save the family holiday

sure yeah three out of eight toasters

yeah the third toaster with the button

pushed

down so uh let us know what you're

grateful

for

um sorry

oh I don't know

dude this whole thing I was like what

the [ __ ] I was not ready uh there's

there's no buildup like it opens with

her going to see him to give him a

[ __ ] to save her cat and then it ends

with him taking her virginity it's like

that's it and it's like Okie

doie here we are I

guess but you know isn't that the

tension that a lot of people feel on

Thanksgiving is

it my eye I know you're twitching so

hard you just started twitching so hard

oh my God okay okay so three out of

eight eight yep I was about to say three

out of five is like that's too many

three out of eight toaster ovens yeah

maybe one of those Toaster buttons is

pushed down who can say yeah it got us

talking I'll tell you that it is

definitely a conversation starting book

and we can thank it for for what it's

bringing to the table in that regard um

yeah let us know if you've read this one

what your thoughts are if you've read

any of Lea's other works yeah let me

know if I should check out the rest of

the series because I'm into a weird book

I won't lie um this one caught me off

guard I think that's the like at no

point so the last book we reviewed the

last book that we reviewed was like the

the twin

brothers super spies and the super spies

and every single plot twist quote

unquote was something you absolutely saw

coming like from the moment you started

the book so you're just like oh yep oh

wow that happened I didn't know and I

feel like this book I genuinely was

going oh wow that happened I didn't know

well you kept making jokes and I was

like Auntie and it yeah and I'm like

surely this is so ridiculous and you're

like but is it though and it is yeah no

it really is that ridiculous yeah it is

yes full sack ladies and gentlemen full

sack by Leela Fay um don't forget to

like subscribe rate review comment all

of the things send us a message we would

love to hear your thoughts on this um

because I feel like I have a lot more

thoughts on on this I will say by the

end I was rooting for raccoon I was like

okay like he's taking care of

her it's nice we always love a book when

you can root for a man named Raccoon by

the end at the beginning I was

like yeah I um am still not necessarily

a raccoon sympathizer quite yet I

wouldn't say that I'm like a huge fan

but I'm like okay you know I understand

a little more yeah no very fair okay we

are at a zero Baseline on

raccoon we don't hate him give or take

he's also not the hero that we're like

absolutely backing yes that's fair we're

going hey raccoon we see what you're

bringing to the table and we honor it

and we respect it and shoot some more

confetti out of that dick my guy sure

and until

then we will still be sitting here

recording other books so

see you next time smut [ __ ] see you

next time well that's it for this week's

smut [ __ ] we hope it was good for you

cuz it sure was great for us if you're

digging what we're doing it would mean a

lot if you'd take a minute to rate and

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listening right now maybe tell that sexy

someone to lend us an ear we love you we

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week stay spoty

[Music]