Smut Club

well hello All You Beautiful

[Music]

People you know what time it

is ladies and gents Guys and Dolls and

everyone in

between gather around get you something

real nice to sip on and comfy to slip

on cuz it's time for smut Club here's

your hosts Chelsea and

[Applause]

Hannah hey everybody and welcome to smut

club I'm Hannah and I'm Chelsea and

today we're talking about smut this is

the podcast where we do

that in case the title didn't didn't

give you a

warning this is what we're here to do

and sometimes we Day drink while we do

that I'm not doing that today so that

whole intro was just full on

me that's

just there's you being and you there's

that oh no what what there was a

situation recently where like someone

looked at me and I was like I'm

completely

sober I'm like I have nothing to blame

but this is all me but myself I don't

mean to brag you're welcome but yeah I

was like cool cool cool cool love this

that's also like uh cuz I went to

Seminary for grad school and I got

reported for drinking because it went

against the code of

conduct and someone

reported to our like housing director

that they saw me walking in drunk and I

was like well I drive myself everywhere

I have like no family here so wouldn't

do that like I'm not disputing that I

have had something to drink but like I

wouldn't drive yeah like I'm not sure

what they're referring to and I looked

at the apartment manager I was like you

know me I'm pretty loud pretty clumsy so

like there's a decent chance I was

completely sober and he paused and he

goes touche

like and that is why I didn't get

evicted being clumsy

helps we love to be known for

something that is my claim to

fame what book are we doing

today Maneater by Emily

Antoinette that sounds like a Regal name

it does doesn't it yeah yeah okay I have

not heard of this one I found it on the

Tik Tok it's technically a

prequel um so in I I did read the first

book in the series and this is about the

the first book is about the son of this

couple okay so this is said in the 80s

it's like 40 years in the past um that

hurt right yeah cuz when I got to the

epilog and it was like 40 years later

202 something and I was

like

good like oh great that was like when uh

our roommate told us for his 26th

birthday he was thinking of doing a

decade themed party and I was like what

what decade we think in' 70s ' 80s maybe

even the '90s getting crazy with it and

he goes I was thinking the early 2000s

no

no wow I was not ready for that pain to

be so visceral

right the other day at work we admitted

somebody and their birth date was 2004

and I was

like no like I was like oh my God that

was fully 20 years ago holy [ __ ] oh no

uh when people started saying I don't

need to check the rest of your ID it

starts with a one yeah that that also

hurt yeah or when people refer to us as

being born in the late

1900s that one I find kind of amusing

but also kind of like makes it sound

like we're vampires or something like oh

you're from the late 1900s like yeah I

am you're like ooh is this a Dracula

retelling and you're like no no like

like Bill Gates was on the scene we're

just talking about when Britney Spears

was on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse um

like and Ryan Gosling oh yeah and Justin

Timberlake Christina

agilera yeah I think

so there were a lot of them yep that

started out there mhm mhm just

fascinating to look back on and like see

all of the moments of like Child Actors

and be like oh my God this makes sense

why why you haven't been doing okay for

so long we really do get it we hope

you're okay we're so sorry there are

resources and supports quite

frankly I don't know if I have the

Specialties that you need probably not

no no no no that's also like okay when

Kanye got involuntarily committed to the

hospital yeah my only thought was like I

shudder to think of being the person who

wrote that paperwork oh yeah no thinking

about the intake because we had somebody

recently that had this Fantastical story

and we were all like okay so we're

looking at potential delusions like

we're looking at right we're doing all

this Diagnostics and then she met with

the psychiatrist and the psychiatrist

like you guys it's it's real what like

she's telling the truth and we were all

like oh oh [ __ ] like so I can see some

like old white woman who has no idea who

Kanye is like sitting down to do his

intake and like making notes well I'm

thinking when he actually got invol

voluntarily hospital when he actually

was outside his mind but like being like

the crisis worker who gets called to his

house when he's in his yard and you're

just like writing on your little

clipboard being like least restrict

least restrictive measures are not

appropriate for these

reasons like as evidenced by 100% um but

but also to your point once they get

there and then you're like is I what

part of this is real what part of this

also the old classic of is is this a

mental health diagnosis or are you just

a dick right because that's also a

common thing I'm like no great question

this isn't a narcissistic personality

disorder he's just an [ __ ] yeah yeah

believe it or not that mean those are

the same yeah they're not

interchangeable no yeah but people like

to pretend that they are they sure do

well there was that uh there was a

psychologist on Tik Tok and she was like

the one who was like your

mother-in-law isn't like this diagnosis

your like exboyfriend isn't to this

diagnosis and I was like thank you

louder for the people in the back people

are often just people like yes they're

not diagnosable they're just

I also yeah I think that there are

moments where like no one I would hate

to be judged by my worst moments oh my

God yeah right yeah I mean we all have

traits of something in our worst moment

absolutely and then we also just all

have seasons that like we're growing

that like we don't know things and I'm

like I don't want you to hold me to what

13-year-old Chelsea said God right I'm

like I I've tried to grow yeah and I I

believe that I

have most of the time I think I've come

a really long way yeah me too yeah me

too I was a talking to a client recently

about uh using the practice of like when

you're having when there's something

that you're like [ __ ] on yourself

for in the present and being like okay

if 5-year-old Chelsea was here right now

what would I say to her about this or if

13-year-old Chelsea was here right now

like how would I communicate to her

about it and my client was just at me

like and she's like that's going to be

so hard to do I was like I know girl it

does not feel good to practice

self-compassion at that level doesn't I

actually have a picture of

three-year-old me that I keep in a place

where I see regularly so that I can do

it more easily yeah it's me on my play

school slide with my hair all out crazy

my naturally red

hair yeah because we had it on our shag

carpet because Florida is too hot to

have a plastic place School side outside

so that is awesome I went up and down it

so many times in my footy pajamas the

static electricity made my hair stand up

well that's adorable I know I'm like I

can have compassion for that kid that's

cute as hell

1,000% but it's funny because you're

like okay so what would you say to like

32y old Hannah about this like 32y old

Chelsea I'm like man I become so much

less kind when I'm like well current me

is like I've never been old than I am

now so I should have figured this [ __ ]

out already right my my husband like

asked me once he's like what would you

say to current you about that and that

was my response and he was like that

backfired in a way I did not that didn't

go how I think it was going to

go oh my God okay so back to Maneater

back to Maneater so actually some of

this is really relevant because our main

guy Shane has some very intense anxiety

okay he has a really tough time being

social and that's like a very common

theme so he is a witch and he's brand

new to town so this is very

Supernatural um and there are lots of

different kinds of soups in this world

and so is this in and I'm sorry if you

said it and I missed it is this in like

a modern city or is this in like

a it's in the 80s that's how we got here

in the first

place well no I I still understand that

it's the ' 80s but I'm like is this like

the 80s in like New York or Milwaukee or

is this like it's a small town it's

called Moonville and that's the okay or

maybe not I don't remember the series is

moonveil so maybe this is somewhere else

but regardless but a small town smallish

town full of

soups yes so um he is a private

investigator and he's trying to get his

business going having just moved to

town and so he is going around to

different businesses hanging flyers and

stuff like that um and uh he walks into

this like new AG shop and he hears

people like [ __ ] in the back and he's

like I should leave and like knocks over

an entire like stand of stuff and he's

like Jesus Christ like oh my God oh my

God oh my God and so um I I don't know

if there's a way to ever exit something

like that without accidentally making

noise no there's no way to do that

gracefully no no and he is startled as

hell he is a 25-year-old virgin and he's

so painfully awkward he's like you've

got to be [ __ ] kidding me like I just

oh my God like I just want to hang some

flyers like and so I just want to be

able to pay my bills why is this

happening I just want to get my business

off the ground so the shop owner comes

out and immediately recognizes him as

another Supernatural because he spelled

the Flyers so that other Supernaturals

would know so it be more easy he would

be more easily hired by Supernaturals

which is what he wants like calls to

like ex yeah so she um is like

Absolutely I'll hang this up for you

sweetie like you should come to our

coven meeting like the next day or

something uh and he really doesn't like

social Gatherings but he knows that he

needs to go he's like I have to network

but at what cost he's like well I've

been wanting a coven like I want other

people to practice with like this is

important to me is there any like so he

just moved to town was like there like a

tragic thing that he was he's just new

to town it's never mentioned yeah yeah

get kind nice that it's not mentioned

yeah we really don't get much backstory

for either character in this but it

doesn't feel like the story is any less

yes you know engaging well and and I

appreciate that cuz I feel like there

are some books where I'm like we didn't

need this much backstory and now this

book is like 200 Pages longer than I

would like it to be yes and this book is

only like 170 I think oh heck yeah yeah

it's meant to be more of a Nolla MH

entry into the world to set up the

actual Series so um so the actual series

I'm assuming the books are longer and

this yes yeah the first book is called

behold her and I think it's around 400

pages okay um but also really good well

I know like uh the ice Planet Barbarian

series that we just reviewed like each

of those books throughout the whole

series I think is and I I I might be off

on this but I think they're all like

200ish like they're all of them shorter

right but I guess if this is more of the

prequel mhm uh she kept it short I I

appreciate yeah a prequel in that regard

yeah and it's really

like it's really nice the way she sets

up the world in the 80s and then brings

it back like in more present day it's

just a really cool way that she did it

but

um poor Shane is so so incredibly

awkward and he keeps feeling like this

shop owner who's maybe in her

40s keeps flirting with him and he keeps

being like surely not I'm misreading

that and like just moves on and like

pretends like maybe not like it's okay

it's all going to be okay she's just

trying to be nice to the new kid in town

everything's cool don't be weird so the

next day he does show up to the Cen

meeting and he immediately is like weird

Vibes in here like I hate it I don't

like it because everyone is like

checking him out very obviously and

making like weirdly sexual comments is

it a a witch's coven it is yeah it's a

coven of witches

I wasn't sure if there if if other

Supernaturals Supernaturals had covens

as

well that is not disclosed but I don't

think so um this one's just witches and

like stuff like one of the guys comes up

and kind of makes a little bit of an

advance with him and he kind of like

backs up and the shop owner who's the

only one that he really knows is like oh

sweetheart don't worry about him like

he's just another appreciator of nice

bodies and he's like

what well and I also like that we like

the shop owner is the only one he really

knows does he he like went into her shop

well knows her name like you know like

that's the ex it's not like he's like oh

she's a safe space and all this he's

like no I've seen her before and that is

the only heard her banging somebody like

that's really all I've got um so he's

like holy

[ __ ] if they brought me here as a virgin

sacrifice and he's like no they can't

tell I'm a virgin right he's like no

surely they can't tell okay maybe

they're just

weird he's like moving on he's like I

would be so pissed if I die a virgin

it's

unacceptable so that'd be such a weird

thing right like like how can they tell

like they're all like we smell the

Virgin on you can smell it on you that's

why we invited you here we just got a

good waft of Virgin

um so he they keep talking about this

ceremony they're doing this ceremony

they're doing and he's trying to find

like trying to do an Irish exit and like

or say he's going to the bathroom and

not come back cuz he's really not

enjoying the energy here but they pull

him into a circle but he does not

participate in the Chant that they're

doing and um he actually breaks out of

the Circle as they

finish um what they're doing which is

summoning a

succubus so they summon a sex demon and

it he's like this is the most incredible

beautiful creature I've ever seen in my

life holy [ __ ] she's got like purple

skin and this long black hair and these

big wings and a tail and and she's

topless and she's wearing a glitter

thong and platform heels and he's like

what the

[ __ ] he's like oh my

god um so not the same at all so similar

but different okay well before we

actually successfully summoned the

succubus and I was we talking about he

ended up like in the circle but didn't

really want to be then just like tried

to like bow out of the circle one time

when I lived in Nashville a friend

invited me to this house show

cool I'm broke this is a house show I'll

go have fun sure um and so at one point

one of the artists who was playing at

this house show wanted everyone to get

up and like get into a group hug and

like sing the song

together and everyone from where I was

seated was participating and I only knew

the friend who had invited me and then

suddenly I'm in the circle singing this

song and I go where the [ __ ] is

Amanda and Amanda is like on the couch

and she's like hell no I wasn't joining

that circle of people I didn't know you

just left me here and then I was like

can I Can I exit gracefully and I was

like I think I just have to like back

out backwards really quick yeah I just

had to let that whole song play out and

then like went to get a drink and then I

just like couldn't get back to my seat

after

that similar energy from Shane yes um

but no sex demon no sexon that's not

what we were trying to do no or maybe it

was I think I blacked out a little bit

totally fair totally fair and

understandable um oh I forgot to mention

so this is dual point of view okay um so

next we get l so L is our succubus she

is [ __ ] pissed and um she was working

her shift at the strip club on the pole

and just vanished Into Thin

Air and forced into her demon

form I would be very annoyed by that as

well yeah she's real real mad I don't

think it like bodily autonomy ever

really I've processed that in that

regard when you're summoning things yeah

so that becomes really re relevant

because the leader then begins demanding

that she feed on all of them and [ __ ]

all of them or they're not going to let

her out of the circle and she's like

dude she's like first of all I don't

have time for this second of all like

what the [ __ ] like seriously so she has

no interest in any of it and that's like

some bold assumptions 100% yeah we

summoned you so now you have to [ __ ] all

of us or you can't leave obviously you

want to you're a succubus right and so

um did you see what she was wearing

glitter

thong well glitter thong and Winks she

wanted it she really didn't she didn't

she didn't she didn't though and so she

is about to just do it like do what she

has to do so that she can go back to

work because she does not have time for

this when all of a sudden she notices

this really cute red head step into the

break in the circle and he he goes the

[ __ ] off he is like how [ __ ] dare you

she did not consent to any of this back

the [ __ ] away from her and is like like

comes riding to the rescue right and

like grabs her hand and pulls her out of

the circle um and he's like you are like

this is assault she did not ask to come

to your weird [ __ ] orgy and all of

the the other witches are like crying

and they're like we need this she's like

we need this okay like no she's like I

still didn't consent you weirdos right

like what about uh no I like that their

whole excuses but we're so hard up right

like they're all clearly [ __ ] each

other too like that's the weird energy

that Shane's picking up on is like they

regularly have weird orgies like they

clearly are fine this is a weird sex

cult

so um see I wasn't sure initially if it

was going to be like a coven of suc You

by yeah yeah yeah or something of that

capacity this isn't what I was expecting

no me either okay so um she finds Shane

completely endearing because he's doing

his best not to look at her boobs

because she's fully topless in her demon

form and he's like like laser focused on

her eyes like so like trying so hard not

to look and um then all of a sudden he

starts unbuttoning his shirt and she's

like okay so like he's giving her his

shirt right but her assumption is he

wants his dick sucked because he rescued

her from all the other ones and he's

like it'll be so much easier for me to

focus on your eyes if your tits are

covered yes so she's like okay I get it

like she says it out loud and he's like

no no no no no no no like I just thought

just thought you'd be more comfortable

we're standing on the sidewalk I just I

just thought you'd be more comfortable

with a shirt

on my heart I know I know and he's like

but only if you want you don't have to

cover up it's completely okay just

whatever you want whatever you want um

and she is like blown away that he is so

thoughtful and like not trying to get

anything from her and so so um he keeps

calling her ma'am and she's very into

that um so then he offers her a ride

back to work um and does she live in

town yes okay yes everybody's local um

and

um he is still like just adorably

self-righteously angry on her behalf and

she's like it's really okay like I'm a

succubus it happens all the time he's

like absolutely the [ __ ] not it's okay

like no way also I'm just going to like

if they want to [ __ ] us succubus that

bad they can just go to the strip club

yeah well and she I mean she still has

to consent I just mean like they don't

need to like summon her from across town

right I thought when we were summoning

someone no they were far further away no

she wasn't like in the demon realm

having a great time yes no

um yeah so he is like going off about I

can't believe they would just assume

that you would [ __ ] them because you're

a succubus and then he's like of course

you can if you want to obviously you can

do whatever you want but it should be

what you

want and so um she is just like really

taken by how adorable he is and so she

invites him to come to the strip club

the next night to see her

um and

um it's then the next night like she

gets out of the car it's very cute she's

like so are we going to like bang in

your car then he's like no no no I've

enjoyed this time we've had together

because she still doesn't believe him

that he's like really this kind and

sweet and so the next night she's

working and it's like getting on 11:

11:30 and she's like ah he's not going

to come like this really sucks I feel so

emotionally invested in this I know

right um and I didn't even read this one

I know I'm going to add it to my list

now it's really good so she's like

really disappointed and like the other

the like the bartender and some of the

other dancers can tell some things off

and she's like well like I met this guy

and I really thought like but it's okay

it's okay well Shane has been outside in

his car for an hour trying to work up

the nerve to go inside because he's like

maybe she doesn't actually want me to be

here like maybe she just felt bad like I

don't want to make her feel weird but

then she did invite me so maybe she does

want me to be here she does still have

my shirt she told me I should come back

for her shirt well and he's like cannot

the anxiety is like off the

chain

that it hurts my heart when people live

with that level of anxiety all the time

I know like it is exhausting it and I

know some people can like get annoyed

and they're like just make a [ __ ]

decision and like just and I'm like

that's not how this works if I could I

would yes because thankfully I'm not

like this all the time and I've done a

lot of work on it but I absolutely have

had moments like this where it's like

paralyzing and it's really hard to

explain if you haven't experienced it

but like plus his little heart he works

his nerve up and he's like I'm doing

this and he goes in hell yeah and the

bouncer is like enjoy your night kid

like he's so he's freaking out so so bad

like everybody can tell and the

bartender is like is this your first

time honey and he's like well yeah and

she's like well I can call over so and

so like if you just want to talk like I

bet she would love that and he's like no

no no I'm actually here for someone I'm

looking for someone specific and she's

like you're here for candy and he's like

um

yes he's like is that her name is that L

like yes and so um he is about to like

fully lose his [ __ ] and like just back

out when the bartender is like hey

sweetie before this next dancer comes

out maybe go see if you can get a spot

near the front Okay and he's like

what and of course it's l and she comes

out and essentially dances just for him

and he's like this is the most

incredible thing that has ever happened

to me like be cool everybody be cool

like sh sh you're gonna [ __ ] this up

everybody shut the [ __ ] up like oh my

God so Ella is so excited that he's here

and um he's just this adorably sexy nerd

that's a little rumpled and obviously

very very nervous and um she's worried

that he's not actually into her because

she keeps like going to like touch him a

little bit or like do whatever and he's

like locking up and she's like Shane if

you're not into me that's really okay

sweetheart like you can just tell me I

don't mean to make you uncomfortable

he's like no no no no no no no please

don't stop he like oh my god well do you

remember my so-called life yes I just

remember there was a scene where it was

like the narration of from like the

nerdy dude's point of view his name is

escaping me but the girl put her arm or

her hand on his arm and like the voice

over was like finally my first direction

from actual female contact like

literally yes truly yes and he's like

I'm just really trying to not embarrass

myself by having you you touch me cuz I

will get too excited yes and so um he

like he's like but here's the thing is

like you're a goddess and I just want to

get to know you and I want to take you

out for coffee and just learn more about

you what makes you laugh and then I want

to take you out to dinner and learn all

of your hopes and dreams and like and

he's just like on and on and she's like

okay honey we're going to go to the

champagne room okay and he's like okay

he's like I think I brought enough money

and she's like no sweetheart you can you

can pay me if you want to and I'll give

it back at the end if it's hotter for

you if if you're paying for it okay and

he's like

okay he like does not know what to do

with himself he's like freaking the [ __ ]

out and so um L decides she's going to

give him a lap dance um but he's like

you have to promise to go get that

coffee with me though before you do that

and she's like seriously he's like no

like for real like you have to

promise and so she gets very dominant

she tells him like to cover the cameras

with his magic um and then she's like

and now you're going to make me come and

he's

like yes

ma'am I I captain and so um he he gets

real like weird and she's like what's

wrong and he's like I just I just need

you to tell me what to do I've never and

then he like locks up and he's like I

just want to make sure I'm doing what

you like and she's like okay and gives

him step-by-step instructions to an

incredible orgasm for

her and she goes to return the favor

like he's fingering her or whatever she

goes to return the favor and he's like

no no I'm okay and she's like you don't

you don't want me to and he's like um

I already

um cuz just touching you was so amazing

and all the sounds you made were really

incredible and um I'm I'm

good but I

know I

know and she's like holy [ __ ] like he

was in that into my pleasure like I've

never been with anybody everybody

assumes like I'm a succubus and

like I'll just enjoy whatever

right whatever you do to me is going to

be fine um and so she's like this is

amazing and I'm so excited for coffee

she's like I'm glad I said yes to the

coffee now yeah so then um and he's

literally just

like uh like open the window and I feel

the breeze and I jiz in my pants 100%

he's

like very embarrassed but also like kind

of laughing a little bit about it as

well like

so he's a good sport about all of it and

she teases him a little and it's all

very cute I'll say

this it feels endearing how you're

describing how it's written right yes

and I don't know how I would handle that

in the

moment right that's a very good point

that's a very good point yeah cuz I'm

like oh reading about I'm like oh this

is so sweet and like and that's very

much how it set up

right yeah but in real life but in real

life I'm like I I don't know like that's

not a situation I automatically know how

to navigate right right well she's like

would you like me to go get your shirt

from last night for you so you can hold

it in front of yourself when you walk

out he's like no that's okay you can

keep it he like does a little spell and

like scurries out and she's like this is

[ __ ] adorable which I I think is kind

of like what she's into like she's got a

little bit of like a

Dom almost mommy kind of energy and so I

think that she likes that that he's like

a little bit like he's not as

experienced and he's you know figuring

it out and super willing and sweet I

think she's into it I think if it were

not that energy it would be like

seriously well literally what I was just

thinking was I'm like I feel like that's

the only way to play it if that's where

you're at because if you're like not

that experienced and you're trying to be

respectful and figured

out you can only play it as like the

show me what you like right because when

you try and play it as I know what I'm

doing and then everyone's like oh no not

that

right no oh that not there there not

that like it's a lot of that

conversation right to the left

take it back now

y'all one hop this

time actually kind of but anyway um yes

I do think it's just like a general like

if you're inexperienced there is

something about just like owning that in

an authentic way versus being like I

know what you like and you're like but

you really don't right but that's often

true of like any new partner regardless

of how much experience you have like not

everybody likes the same things

everybody's different and so which is

also a very funny thing in because in

all of the books pretty much every

single one yep it's like electric from

the jump it's never been like this with

another partner before and I'm like I

don't know if there's ever been a time

where like the very first sexual

interaction I was like we're just in

each other Souls right no notes like no

there are there are lots of notes you

not lots of not lots of notes at least

two usually you know not lot even if one

of them is good job right but like there

are

notes versus the books of just like

incredible the whole time well and I

think that's part of why I liked this is

like they're very obvious with their

communication with each other both ways

about it um and so it felt more

approachable like more authentic in it

well it also seems like if like if she

has a little bit of like the Dom mommy

stuff there's also just

something I appreciate the approach to

like her being a succubus that's

not what everyone thinks of as like the

stereotypes and she's like no I like I

like to be treated kindly right with

respect is cool yeah big fan but it is

interesting because until she got

summoned across town and was annoyed I'd

never really thought before about mhm uh

what demons were doing when you summoned

them what you were interrupting right

like some poor schmuck is like having

coffee minding his own business trying

to have

breakfast like what do you need now we

all need to [ __ ] you damn it I just I

just poured that cup like I really just

wanted to finish my eggs you guys Jesus

Christ

like I was at a

funeral I don't know why that wherewe I

went okay kind of um so he anyway he

does a little spell and scurries out

scurries away and he she writes down her

number he's going to call her all that

because again this is the 80s so it's

land lines all around so um Shane plays

Dungeons and Dragons with his friends um

none of them are witches they're all

varying kinds of

Supernatural and um wonder if that

experience if that changes your

experience of playing Dungeons and

Dragons I imagine that it might um but I

don't know um forever and always I will

love that keym peel sketch Dungeons and

Dragons and [ __ ]

yes it's a classic I haven't thought

about that in ages I'm going to have to

go watch it again I'm probably we can do

that when we stop recording this we

should do that because it's it's Peak

Excellence I just remember when he like

rolls the dice and he's like a lot of

titties fall out like something

yes and they're all like

yeah they're like oh a cool dude is

playing with us okay he's like we're

going to the strip club in Dungeons and

Dragons all right once sorry I keep

taking us off topic no it's I'm I'm

liking it it's good oh well thank you

you're welcome so we're playing Dungeons

and Dragons with our friends and um his

best friend encourages him um to call El

again because he has called and left a

message and it's been a couple days and

she hasn't called back and he's like

[ __ ] he's like so should I call her

again like he doesn't have really any

experience dating and so he's like is

calling her again weird like is she it's

not a double text if it's been several

days right exactly does get that

whatever the 80s equivalent of a double

text was calling twice in a row probably

so his best friend is like listen dude

if you really like her call her again

one more time and if she doesn't respond

then that's that's your answer right and

so he makes the call and Ella is so

excited to hear from him she's like oh

my God this is amazing I'm so glad you

called again you didn't leave your

number when you left that

message and he's

like yeah I too am glad I called again

yeah he's like oh right so they make a

date for the next day um and he is so

excited but then he's like oh my God

like I have a really hard time like

controlling myself around her I should

cast a spell on my dick so that I won't

just randomly get hard as soon as I see

her cuz that would be weird Okay so not

quite the

same we're going to put that on a

t-shirt not quite the

same I once heard this story of a of

like a middle school freshman in high

school I don't know someone young was

about to lose their virginity and they

like planned with their like girlfriend

that they were going to do it after

school that day so they put the condom

on in the morning yes yes that one

oh oh

kiddo no no

no just wore it all day comprehensive

sex education is important you guys like

just for the record even if you believe

abstinence is the the option is the

right choice comprehensive sex education

is still necessary yeah it's necessary

and important and to be fair I don't

think that anybody who believes in

abstinence only is listening to this

podcast pretty sure they they were

weeded out from the

top like if you are going to prove us

wrong on that front hit me up please do

yeah yeah I have questions I would like

to know you but anyway

so Ella is super

excited um and she tells her cousin all

about it and there's some illusion to

like Elle has some baggage from previous

relationships where guys really kind of

disparaged her because she's a succubus

into thinking that like you know she was

basically like a super [ __ ] and you know

whatever people treating you shitty

because they're making assumptions about

you based on your appearance 100% yeah

so really grabby with a woman because of

how she looks it's almost like this is a

social commentary a little bit yeah yeah

yeah oh

what um so her cousin just tells her to

be careful she's like the cousin um who

uses they them pronouns um says you know

I love you and I want you to be careful

like I'm glad you have somebody that you

really like please be careful so I think

that is valid feedback very much so we

very much fans of the cousin um so Shane

decides to bring flowers and then he's

like oh my God that's really weird is

that weird for a first day to bring

flowers that feels like it might be

weird but I have already had my fingers

inside of her so maybe flowers are okay

he's like I don't know and he's about to

like Chuck them cuz he's already rang

the bell so he's about to like Chuck

them when she opens the door um because

the pink is the same color like the

dusty like rose pink is like the same

color as her skin in demon form and so

he thought of her and so she's just

super touched oh my God he's so I know

and um he says oh hey by the way like

you know we're about to go for coffee

whatever but just so you know I'm going

to report the coven to the Paranormal

Council in town and she's like really

he's like yes yeah like what they did

wasn't okay yeah and she is like

flabbergasted that he would do that

because no one has ever done anything

like that for her in the

past um and so then they talk some more

about um Sam Hayne which is a witch

holiday coming up and um Shane doesn't

really have plans but um cousen Z often

throws a party that usually devolves

into an orgy they're all succub so they

just kind of do whatever they want um

and he offers to go with her if she

wants and she's like you'd be into that

and he's thinking like

surely they will have snacks and I can

hang out by the snacks while Elle has a

great time and then when she's ready to

go I can leave with her and we'll just

I'll get to meet her cousin and her

friends do you want to go to this orgy

with

me what's the snack situation honestly

like he gets

it um and so they just have a really

cute first date and um it lots of

getting to to know you Elle is worried

that she's too boring when she tells him

like she just wants like a house and a

pet and some kids and like to live her

life and Shane's like same like

soulmates like he's so like hard eyes

about the whole thing um and

so um Shane is like oh you'd be a great

mom and she's like really seriously

because in the past like when she's

mentioned wanting kids to Partners they

have immediately been like you'd have to

stop being such a dirty [ __ ] [ __ ] for

that like just really hateful things so

the fact that he is kind to her but also

clearly genuine about it is like

mind-blowing for her it's unfortunate

how often basic levels of kindness are

uh y the bar is on the floor and people

still trip over it yep like it is wild

yep yep um but that's kind of the whole

thing through this is that Shane really

does raise the bar in my opinion

repeatedly um but they get to know more

about each other she's 37 he's 25 um

they both have longer lifespans they

don't live like forever forever but they

live longer than normal

humans um and so she invites him back to

her place and um he's really excited but

he's realizing that the spell he cast on

his dick sick didn't work and so he has

been walking around with like a raging

boner this whole time he's like super

super love that for me great I shouldn't

cast dick magic at 4:00 a.m. got it like

might wear off took him that long to

like find the spell

so so um I would have uh done the dick

magic sooner but it took me a while if I

had only known so El gives him this

incredible [ __ ] and it turns out the

spell did in fact work he can't come so

he just stays hard and she's like oh my

God like are you not into this right now

like what is happening and

um I also Imagine that's a weird thing

for her as someone who's like their

sexualness is just like their thing

their thing like it's innate to every

fiber of their being he just like blurts

out I can't come and she's like well

okay

then she's like well then I will stop

torturing you and he's like thank you oh

my God like he's like oh my god do you

remember the movie Crazy Stupid Love Yes

when they go to the like the School

parent teacher conference and Steve

Carell had [ __ ] merca to and she's

like yeah the kind of guy who lets a

woman go downtown for 45 minutes because

he was nerous

and Juliana Mo's like

ew my God my your poor jaw like honestly

yeah 45 minutes like are there water

breaks for that I'm like that's really

where you're like this is a hand job and

my mouth is on the end like this is yeah

we're phoning it in at that point

like far too long my my jaw would not

survive well I would lose my number one

dick sucker

trophy if you listen to ice Planet

barbarians if not check it out or don't

and just live in the Curiosity of why

Hannah is going around being like number

one dick sucker right here and you're

like wow that's a lot of confidence I

I'm saying I would lose my number one

dick sucker at that point I'd be like

listen it's not worth

it

yeah I don't know what my time limit is

but it's it's def not 45 minutes

definitely 45 yeah definitely less than

godp speed to you if you're like no I

feel like I could go for 45 how can you

I don't know if I want you to teach me

but I do have some questions I'm like

can you get TMJ from that like i' be

like concerned about long-term Health

ramifications you're like listen I have

a bit of lock jaw that's not going to be

a problem is

it oh no mm- not good not good uh um so

anyway so he blurts out I can't come yes

and then she's like Okie do so then he

basically tells the whole story that

he's a virgin and he was nervous about

this whole thing and that's how that

happened and um she decides that she's

going to tell him a secret since he told

her a secret and she says that no one

has ever been in love with her before um

and he is like what how is that possible

he's like not possible not in love with

her right yeah yeah um so

um Shane is with his best friend they're

they're doing something and um he like

blurts out to his best friend that who

is a wolf shifter that he is really

nervous to go out to dinner with her

like he's a virgin he has no experience

he doesn't know what to do d d d he's

freaking out freaking out and his buddy

is like whoa

he's like okay okay sit

down we have work to

do and he gives him like a crash course

in eating [ __ ] he's like here you go

Bud he's like my ex was not with me for

as long as she was because of my

personality let's be honest

like I know what I was bringing to the

table Yeah 100% so the dinner date goes

great um and they do cute little secret

swap like that becomes their thing and

he's like I'm bisexual and she's like me

too like Okie do and he's like oh thank

God she's like have people made you feel

uncomfortable about that and they have

like a cute little bonding thing um so

L's secret because that was not her

secret is that she wants this is not

relevant to the story but is hilarious

she once accidentally peed on someone

during a lap

dance and she's

like he's like L how why what the [ __ ]

and he's like crying he's laughing so

hard and so she tells him the story that

like it was a really busy shift and she

didn't realize she had to pee until she

was halfway through and it wasn't like a

full thing but like he tickled her and

so a little bit came out and I tried to

tell him that I squirted but I don't

think he believed

me incredible it's so good it's so good

and so then he's like after that he like

would you like to come back to my place

and she's like

yes it's just so cute um question

mhm cuz I I don't know much about

succubus mhm uh do like anatomically are

there differences cuz I know when she's

in her demon form her skin is a

different color so

we will get to the specifics of it but

yes okay um she has wings she has a tail

in her demon form her demon form in her

human form she's like regular you know

when you said she was in a glitter thong

and had wings but was in her demon form

I was deaf imagining like Victoria

Secret it didn't like compute that WIS

for her act yes I was like oh yeah I

didn't even think for her dance number

it like didn't dawn on me that they were

attached to her person yeah no that's

part of her person okay so Shane they

get back to his place and he asks

permission to eat her out um and she's

like

yeah like okay and so she gives him a

little bit of instruction but like he is

a champ and um clearly has a little bit

of a praise King going on and as soon as

she comes he's like may I please do that

again and she's like Jesus Christ like

this the perfect man like oh my

god um so then um a few days later Shane

is having a party with his D and D

friends for Halloween um he is super I

love that he made some friends when he

moved to town he did he did he needed

witch friends or thought he needed witch

friends but he did have a couple of

people that he was getting close to well

he he might need witch friends but like

not witch friends that are like also

like a secret sex call yeah no he

literally at one point in the book is

like I am literally never speaking to

another witch

again never again um but anyway so he is

having this D and D party at his

apartment with his friends for Halloween

uh he is super obsessed with L and um

bummed he can't see her cuz she's

working but he finally tells his best

friend that she's a succubus cuz at this

point he did not know that and he's like

Jesus what he's like a succubus dude

like oh my God so he's freaking

out very cute bonding stuff going on um

so then the club turns out is closed the

strip club is closed because of a power

outage and so El decides to just crash

the party like she just shows up at his

apartment and at first she like kind of

freaks out that maybe he doesn't want

her there like what if he has somebody

else in there like oh my God and then

he's just so happy to see her she's like

oh okay like maybe that's my other

stuff So eventually like she gets to

know everybody she convinces two of his

friends to bang not out of like a weird

cuz she feeds on Sexual Energy she

doesn't have to have sex with people to

feed but like when she got there they

the best friend and Shane tell her that

like those two have been dancing around

each other for months and they're

driving them crazy like and she's like

bet I got it and so so um she said watch

me work friends yeah she's like everyone

take a seat and so then the party

eventually clears out and they start

making out and um she like kind of goats

him a little bit into revealing that his

fantasy um is for L to be in succubus

form while she sits on his face and

[ __ ] him with her tail and so he is

like you won't want to do it he's like

before says it she's like you won't be

into it you won't like it like it's too

much like no no no no and she's like

babe I'm literally a succubus just tell

me what you want and she gets very

excited and they make it a

reality yeah like it's very sweet that

he's like you won't like this at all and

she's like no I don't like people trying

to coerce me into sexual acts I haven't

consented to right I'm all about this

right no into things that you want to do

right I'm into making your fantasy come

true because I like you right so then

afterwards he like gets up to like start

doing after care and she's like what are

you doing she's like sit down and he's

like but you're a goddess and you just

let me have that and like I should and

she's

like sit down it's my job to take care

of you okay like everything's going to

be okay and so it's like this whole

thing where like she does for him um and

then it's the night of the cousin's

party and Shane is panicked about the

orgy um and Elle is like we can just go

and say hi like she can tell he's

nervous he's like I can just introduce

you to everybody and then we can we

don't have to stay for the orgy we can

leave after you grab some Ruffles chips

right ruffles have ridges so um he's

like no no no no like I'll I'll just

find the snacks and I will hang out by

the snacks and you can go have fun right

and um at first she's offended and she's

like you think because I'm a succubus

I'm just like jumping on whatever like

is that what you're into like you want

me to have sex with other people like

like help me I'm really appreciating

their open communication through like

moments like this where she's like is

that what you're wanting and he's like

no well he what he says is like it cuz

she's like I don't want anybody else

when I'm single like sure whatever but

when I'm with somebody I'm monogamous

like just because I'm a succubus doesn't

mean that

like I have to get dick down all the

time by anyone and he's like no like

he's like please let me explain I

I don't want you to be limited if you

want other people that's okay with me

like I know sometimes you need that I

know you can feed at work like and

that's great I'm happy for you for that

and like it's okay with me like it's

it's cool um and uh she's like yeah

we're not going to go to the party we're

going to [ __ ] like right now cuz she's

so like no one has ever like supported

her in this way and so um he also

accidentally says that he loves her he's

like I love you so much that like I'll

just whatever makes you happy makes me

happy like and she's like hold on time

out what did you what was that what do

you so

um she reciprocates the love they

finally [ __ ] in the kitchen um she's

giving him instructions he bangs her

from behind um and then she goes into

succubus form and rides him and she has

tentacles inside herself oh like open up

and like hold

on okay yeah yeah yeah so largely

Anatomy is the same mhm one key

difference sucks you in sure does well I

don't know how many tentacles maybe more

than one key difference um but you get

it but um after

they come a lot and there's a very

solidifying moment um she's like hey

Shane I want four kids and he's like

that sounds

awesome sounds great love that for us so

then um a little while later it is Sam

Hayne they introduce the cousin and the

best friend they're all together um to

participate in like a a new beginnings

ritual with Shane since he doesn't have

a Coven and he just feels really hopeful

for the future and that like things are

going to be great and he makes a charm

that will protect L from being summoned

against her will again and she's like

are you serious and he's like yeah and I

heard from the council like that coven

isn't allowed to meet without outside

supervision anymore it's a slap on the

wrist but like at least they won't be

able to do that to anybody else and then

he offers to spell her cousin like a

charm so for the same thing so that they

will be safe from summoning and 's like

oh my God she's like I love you so much

she's like how did I even find you if I

hadn't have been thank you for saving me

from future summonings but if I hadn't

been summoned to that weird party we

never would have met

exactly so then that's it the epilog is

40 years later and um L is telling their

four kids the story of how they met and

the four kids who are in their 30s are

like Mom please for the love of

God please so this book is essentially

How I Met Your Mother

but for succubus yes yes okay um and um

L uh apparently it has become a running

joke through the last 40 years that

she's like well you know the same [ __ ]

for 40 years does get old maybe I'll

trade it in she's he's like whatever

makes you happy my

love like whatever you like it's like

princess brides like as you wish yes

it's 100% as you wish um and and um it's

just love all around their kids are

happy and grown um one of them is moving

away their son is moving away and kind

of the story of why he's moving and all

that stuff is the first book in this

series okay um because it is not a happy

story um of why he's moving but they're

just like really happy and they have the

life that they planned and wanted and he

even says or she actually I think says

like I'm really really glad that weird

sex cult summoned me he's like me

too and that's it it's like cinnamon

roll joy and just warm

coziness yeah I don't I don't know what

I was expecting yeah but I also feel

like this this is like when we recently

uh did Butcher and Blackbird yes and

you're like okay well like with the

content going into this I'm expecting it

to be like kind of dark and ominous and

then you're getting in you're like why

is this so delightful it was so cute and

like refreshing and I'll say that the

first book in this series is dark like

it is much darker are they so just like

with with the series moving forward is

it like each kid has a book does it

follow the one so I don't think that

each kid has a book because one of them

I think is supposed to already be mated

from the epilog from what I can tell and

the first book follows Max who is their

only son and he's the youngest but I

could be wrong the second book isn't out

yet

but it's definitely darker there's like

a lot more violence and a lot more like

other stuff going on in that book so

this is like a really nice introduction

to the universe and introduction to the

um prejudices that L struggled with

which is kind of a theme in the first

book for her son and so it's just really

nice like it's just

cute well I I feel like like the whole

book is them just being like oh no can I

be accepted for who I am yeah and like

is this person safe and the other person

be like yeah like why would I judge you

for that why wouldn't I be yeah yeah

like the whole time mhm cuz even like

the the final party where she's like you

want me to [ __ ] other people and he's

like

no not like I want you to have what you

need in life mhm I want your needs to be

met yes he's like I know you can feed at

work and I'm glad and that's actually

even a thing I didn't even hit on but

like one of her regular customers is

another

Supernatural and he's known her for

years and so she's talking to him and

he's like do you need to feed and she's

like not really like I have I have a

boyfriend now out and he's like I hope

it's not like those other

[ __ ] and she's like no no but like

I'm happy to give you a dance if you'd

like and he's like that won't upset your

boyfriend and she's like nope he's super

supportive and she's like so proud to

tell him that um and that's just kind of

the whole thing is them just being proud

of each other it's really

nice yes yeah like people that are both

just like overcoming a lot of in

and in their lives and just like

supporting each other through their

personal growth and

development that sounds delightful more

of that please cozy as hell okay what's

the rating

system glitter thongs I was going to say

orgies I don't know Victoria Secret

wings

um I guess sex

scult how many members of the sex scult

is that the total yikes

um maybe glitter thongs I'm good with

glitter thongs that feels right for

us you're like oddly enough glitter

thongs feels like the safest option

glitter thongs feels less gross than sex

cult

members that's good yeah right that's

good let's keep it that way um I'm going

to go out of uh 40 because we went 40

years in the future with the epilog

m um and I'm going to say like a

solid

33 damn like 32 33 like I really really

liked this book okay yeah I didn't like

the next one as much because I was

expecting more cozy sweet like

supportive stuff and there was some of

that but it was significantly darker and

I wasn't ready for that mhm so not

necessarily bad just like not what you

expected going in based off of the

prequel exactly I think if I had U paid

more attention to the synopsis of the

first book you know touche and adjusted

my expectations I might have liked it

more but yeah this is like a 32 like it

was really really nice high rating yeah

that's a lot of glitter thongs so many

glitter thongs yeah that's one a day for

you only have to do laundry once a month

yeah because even if there's 31 days in

the month if laundry day is day 32

you're golden you are thriving yeah but

also like if there's an issue that month

we have a

spare just one for the whole month

though yeah so you got to plan

accordingly make sure you're up on where

you're at in your

cycle

anyway so I don't know yeah I started

weird I ended weird

it's bookended you know hey Hannah it's

a safe place to be weird thank you yeah

we read things of all different

capacities we really do yeah and and I

think that's part of the beauty and

charm is like going on that journey and

being like what are we going to learn

today buckle up everybody and quite

frankly I learn a lot probably because I

grew up in a repressed Christian

household right so there are things I'm

like wow this is amazing and everyone's

like this is a Tuesday you can do that

so

okay not the

same

but I went to Duncan for coffee the

other

day and I realiz see how this feels now

I realized that you can get two

different flavors in your iced coffee oh

yeah and I was like oh my God I was like

this is amazing and I went to work and I

was like listen listen to one of my

employees I was like listen this

probably is not groundbreaking

information for you but this is

lifechanging for me did you know and

she's like yeah yeah I did know that I

was like cool cool cool pass it

[Laughter]

on yeah I love those moments I know yeah

it's like when we went to visit some

friends who were living in Europe and my

mom tried Nutella for the first time and

brought back 36 jar of Nutella because

she thought she couldn't get it here and

to be fair it is far more like

normalized not like it was not in every

store back in the day but you could def

still buy it in the states yeah but no

all of us were like shoving Nutella in

our luggage cuz it's so good and we had

30 plus jars of it that we were bringing

back and if you want your iced coffee at

Duncan to be a little bit Nutella esque

two pumps of mocha two pumps of hazelnut

nailed it thank you you're welcome what

a pro tip and on that note let us know

how many glitter thongs you would rate

this one let us know what flavors you

put in your iced coffee that might be

controversial Hannah's might not be the

only option but a slightly Nutella esque

iced coffee is an intriguing option for

sure yeah yeah we're not sponsored by

Duncan but it'd be a hell of a lot

cooler if we were

that is accurate or Boda box or Duncan

and Boda box so we can have the uppers

and the depressants all in one we're

into that so anyway I don't know we're

into that we're into the sponsorship are

Jesus Christ are we into sponsorships or

are we into substance

use

yes it's not it's not either or it's

both and [ __ ] and on that note don't

forget to like And subscribe and we will

see you next time smut [ __ ] bye smut

puppies well that's it for this week's

mut [ __ ] we hope it was good for you

cuz it sure was great for us if you're

digging what we're doing it would mean a

lot if you'd take a minute to rate and

review the show wherever you're

listening right now maybe tell that sexy

someone to lend us an ear we love you we

appreciate you and we'll see you next

week stay smarty

[Music]