Smut Club

well hello All You Beautiful

[Music]

People you know what time it

is ladies and gents Guys and Dolls and

everyone in

between gather around get you something

real nice to sip on and comfy to slip

on cuz it's time for smut Club here's

your hosts Chelsea and

[Applause]

[Music]

Hannah Hello everybody and welcome to

Smart club I'm Hannah and I'm Chelsea

and welcome to the show where we uh two

two therapists we're both licensed

lpcs um who enjoy reading trashy romance

novels and day drinking and combining

all of those things yeah and therapizing

characters that will never know they

were being therapized nor they be they

should be though a lot of them need it

medication probably not all the time but

every now and then I have read a book

where I haven't finished it cuz I've

been like go to [ __ ] therapy and I

will close the book and I started a book

okay I made it halfway through the

prologue oh oh the prologue and I was

like I am not in a place to read this

because like it it we were warned like

in the the thing this girl had a lot of

mental health stuff going on and it was

part of her journey she was very clearly

manic like on the streets of New Orleans

and like her best friend is this guy

trying to like get her away from

everybody and like trying and she's like

she was deeply unwell and I was like I

am not in a place to read this I was

like I'm it's like a um a retelling of

the fan of the of the Opera I think okay

and I was like this is going to be super

cool like it's going to be a super cool

book and then I was like

no well there was a book that I started

and the uh body dysmorphia happening in

the book and her relationship with food

and her like disordered

eating it was like triggering yeah where

I was like I and and I don't use the

word triggering lightly where I was like

oh like this is bringing up like my own

[ __ ] with my body in a way like this is

not fun I'm not in a place no yeah I'm

not in a place cuz I was just so I was

like somebody get this girl some lithium

like I was so worried about her I was

like she's getting she's hurt like she's

getting really hurt I can't read this I

was like go I got an email from a former

client that was like one of my favorite

clients and he was like Hey I want to

let you know like I've been on lithium

for the last year I was like crying

reading it was like one of those I'm

like oh my God like yeah one of those

clients that like you desperately knew

might need medication not might you

desperately knew needed medication um

but had had such negative experiences

and was so averse it was like you could

maybe get like one sentence in about

meds every sh it yeah every four

sessions and that was like dipping the

toe in the water yeah oh my gosh just I

love those emails and like when clients

are like just want you to know I'm doing

really good I'm okay yes I'm like oh

yeah in case you're ever wondering your

therapist does wonder how you're doing

afterwards we do think about you guys we

do think about you yeah you might never

hear from us again you might see us

across the grocery store and not really

make eye contact and move forward but we

do think about you we do care yeah we

really do okay but unrelated to any of

that

I'm I didn't even tell Hannah what book

I was outlining until she got to my

house to review today yep um so

today we are reviewing unhinged by Vera

Valentine an erotic door

romance says it right on the front cover

but

see okay what no I just have so many

questions about it well let you know ask

cuz like I feel like I've seen this on

on Tik Tok M but I haven't retained any

of it so I'm like are we falling in love

with the door the door is erotic is it

that like something behind the door is

erotic are we doing something with the

door that's erotic with a partner I

don't know what that would be okay do

you

remember what when you you grew up in

Florida when did you leave Florida uh

2004 okay so you had FCAT standardized

testing 100% And the writing prompt that

they would always give at least in the

State of Florida about the unmarked door

y that was always locked and one time

it's unlocked and you open it and you

have to write the story of what's behind

that door yeah I imagine that was the

problem I'm totally

kidding no whenever I think about that I

think about Alias it always comes back

to Alias when they're like oh well we

gave all these kids a standardized test

to see like who would be a good like spy

I always wondered why did they ask that

question like why what was the purpose

of it I don't

understand I don't know I love Alias so

much but upon rewatch it is deeply

flawed in so many ways it doesn't hold

up it doesn't well God love Jennifer

Garner but like gosh well and Vance has

never watched it really and so I tried

to like here's the thing it doesn't hold

like it doesn't translate and it's like

dated enough in a way that like we

started it and he's like yeah I guess

the show is fine and I like you don't

understand the magic behind it but I'm

watching it and I'm like I don't really

either but I feel the Magic in my soul

cuz I've been watching it for so

long oh God and Jennifer Gardner's a

babe uh 100% every time yeah yeah no

matter what wig she's

wearing and for that one you know the

one the wig budget for that show is

extensive okay so to get into answering

some of your questions yes um the door

is sensient okay so we open this is from

the doors perspective the whole book is

from the doors perspective yeah okay all

right I'm here we uh in the the door is

in love with his tenant

Tanya okay um um he she treats him with

far more care than the previous frat

Bros who lived there and we like slam

him all the time and um direct quote he

loves the care she takes sliding her key

into his lock this is on the first

page the grin you have oh my God okay

well so the funny thing is I have

actually not seen the Tik toks about

this book A friend of mine uh goes oh my

God you've heard about the door book

right I was like the [ __ ] are you

talking about and so she sent it to

me and so I sent her a a photo when I

had just first opened it on my Kindle

and I was like starting now let's see

how it goes and then on the very first

page I sent her another photo and was

like this escalated so quickly right um

yeah cuz it's like very sensual talk

about like feeling her like pressed

against him when she's looking through

his

peephole heyo yeah yeah and like he said

one time she pressed against him and he

got so excited he flipped his dead

bolt FL

his uh-huh okay uh-huh everything's

fine I'm just going to have more wine we

are back on that that Bowa box [ __ ]

we are and while we are not sponsored by

bod box it'd be a lot cooler if we were

especially for books of this capacity

yeah and you know I almost feel that I

should apologize because I used the word

unhinged in the last review that I did

and I I I think I used it wrong I I

think I used it

wrong you did

yeah and and

you'll okay so the door is also aware of

uh that the property manager the

landlord the super his name is Randall

Randall is real creepy and right before

Tanya moved in uh the door saw Randall

like drag a woman like into the woods

like behind the apart and like came back

like alone so he's like he seems like

Bad News Bears and Randall has also

definitely taken an interest in Tanya

and is like very quick to knock on her

door and make sure everything is okay

and like door is like I'm between

Randall and Tanya the door loves how

much he protects her and like he'll like

talk about like When someone knocks on

him and how he like holds strong in his

frame to not give

in he really takes his job

seriously

okay so the police show up um because

this other woman is missing now and are

asking Tanya if she knows anything or if

she's seen anything

um and the door is putting together he's

like oh like she's dead and the police

are coming up and questioning he's like

this is just like those shows Tanya

watches like those crime shows I he's

like okay so Randall is a bad dude like

that is like yeah can confirm yes the we

in danger does not have a college

education or any formal education if you

will but he's watched enough Law and

Order SVU to put the pieces together

um but like to the point that like after

the police stopped by to ask Tanya

questions like Randall stops by and he

like hey honey like uh I heard like the

police were stopping like did you talk

to them like it's like trying to get

details and Tanya uh like cracks the

door open and the door's like proud of

her cuz he's like yeah like she realizes

it like she's not like making your

vulnerable yeah like it's just like a

little inch that we can see through and

like she's like oh yeah I did I told him

like I didn't know anything and he's

like okay like let me honey let me know

if you need anything I'm like yeah

anytime you're property manager that you

don't know is like calling you honey

feels yeah not great I mean I do so for

me this is something that I've noticed

recently about

myself I say like hun and babe and that

kind of stuff all the time to people

that like co-workers or

whatever it hits different I think

coming from me than it would coming from

a

male property

manager I mean I also think I hope but

like to the point you were making you

have an established relationship with

these people that's a good point yep yep

um I think someone that

like at at most they gave you a tour of

the apartment and and fixed the broken

oven like yeah well well I mean I did it

when I waited tables and didn't really

know people or when I tended bar but

that again feels different but you being

a cute girl in the South working for

tips thank you so much yes that's but I

think that's a dumble standard I can

appreciate you're like look it we will

just own it is a double standard we will

not pretend otherwise yeah Fair all

right so after the police leave um the

door's just resting I don't know it's

the middle of the night who who [ __ ]

knows Tanya has gone to bed um and a man

walks up wearing like robes who looks

very out of

place it's Zeus it's Zeus

has Chelsea

what okay so it's Zeus Zeus is here why

why you calling me out my name talking

about the book

Hannah it's Zeus I'm okay so Zeus shows

up and is like hey

I'm your

[Laughter]

dad door I'm your father what he's like

listen you're made of solid oak from my

Sacred Garden uh the exact quote that I

have down is a lot of things happened in

that Grove and there was this perfectly

positioned knot hole on this really sexy

tree and the Mead was flowing freely you

get the point it's literally the quote

from the book um you know that's

probably the most like um Canon thing

that they could have put in this book is

that Zeus was like listen [ __ ] happened

I [ __ ] a tree I [ __ ] a tree and now

you're half dryed like yeah so you're

welcome but and yeah I am a little sorry

that you're a door uh so to make it up

to you your lady love can set you free

and he's like if she [ __ ] you in door

form she can free you from door form so

straight up when we started this I was

like is this a beauty in the Beast thing

where like if she falls in love with him

he becomes a real boy like is that

what's going to happen and I'm I

am I wouldn't call unhinged Beauty in

the peace relling what if that's the

standard we're going off Pinocchio is

probably more accurate cuz Pinocchio is

made of wood but like we're going to

become a real boy I guess that was like

what I was wondering she's just going to

live in this apartment with this door

who secretly is lusting after her and

she's just going to hump it from time to

time like is that how we're going to

live our lives no judgment but like some

judgment but a little judgment no

judgment All God's Children but also

some judgment just a little bit though

it's like um all of like the

stills of um Dorothy on Golden Girls

where people like who am I to judge also

me yes yes and let's here's the thing of

all of The Golden Girls and we know I'm

a golden girls girl girl yep uh if my

Golden Girls tattoo didn't give it away

uh I I think I always like wanted to be

Sophia me too I'm not well I think you

are Sophia h who do you think you are I

don't know I've always wanted to be

Sophia but I've always wondered if maybe

I'm a little bit

more Dorothy or

occasionally occasionally blanch you

know

Hannah most of your relationships have

been very long-term relationships true I

don't think you're [ __ ] enough to be

blanch and that's not [ __ ] shaming

anyone who does identify with as guess

when I was my very active ho phase I

felt more of a blanch yeah that isir we

can evolve we can evolve but I'm going

to hold on to the fact that you think

I'm Sophia I like that I mean you're

you're tiny I am

tiny like you're tiny s tiny I don't you

I've never seen you with a wicker purse

but

like would not put it past you to have a

wicker basket on a bike that you put

your dog in I would do that yeah yeah

which I don't I don't necessarily feel

like that's a Sophia thing I think I'm

just really processing that you really

are yeah um yeah and you have far too

much common sense to be Rose I do yeah

so I'm like if you're if you're Dorothy

or Sophia yeah I think you're Sophia

thank you yeah so are you Dorothy is

that where you're going

yeah see well that's the thing I

never I always thought like she was like

the tall unattractive op I mean that's

I'm really projecting my own first of

all be was lovely she really was lovely

she was

lovely but I think the jokes about like

she was tall and fassy could never get a

date maybe I was like oh is that the

part I identifi with she said oh no it's

me and now I'm like oh I am be Arthur

but for different reason yes yes yes and

so I think that's why like it took me a

while to embrace that that was my golden

girl yeah um because the things that I

latched on to about her were like the

shitty jokes they would make deprecating

things yeah instead of like all of like

the really smart hilarious things that

she saidh because she was sassy hash

Justice

forb yeah yeah although apparently she

actually like didn't get along with the

rest of the cast which is like why she

got married in the final and they moved

her off and that's why she wasn't on the

Golden Palace when they tried to do the

spinoff I didn't know that it wasn't a

successful that's really sad yeah

I hope it's not fully true but it might

be anyway I'm going to choose to ignore

that right yeah we'll just ignore that

yeah um but yeah so she has to [ __ ] him

Endor form for him to turn into a real

boy and by a real boy I mean a real man

there's no pedophilia in this book thank

you I just needed to be abundantly clear

of all of the places this book goes okay

all right yeah um

so the is it weird that I feel oddly

better that like

where the premise of this is not that

all doors are sensient it's just this

one well and at one point he like is

explaining something she like oh my God

does my bedroom door watch me masturbate

too sort of energy he's like no I'm

solid oak that's press

board because that's the difference you

get it yeah the quality of the wood he's

solid oak from the Sacred Garden that

Zeus

[ __ ] um so now we have a a goal yes we

have a goal we have a mission and uh the

door is able to like infiltrate her

dream and like come to her in her dream

she's having a nightmare she's like

naked in front of the class everyone's

laughing sort of energy and he like

takes off his shirt to put it on her um

and introduces himself and is very proud

of being her door like he's like I've

been her protector I've been her

guardian and like her keeper and so

she's like who are you he's like I am

your door and I love

you just imagine having a dream where

you are having a nightmare that you were

naked in front of your

class and a super hot guy shows up sure

gives you a shirt and when he introduces

himself he says I am your front door and

I love you whatever I ate before going

to bed I would never eat again she

literally says that she's like oh my God

I can't eat those popsicles before bed

anymore

like literally I'd be like okay

so pepperoni for before bed is not for

me like that would be it I'd be like no

can't do that got to lay off the dely

meat before I told you about my banana

nightmares right like that's a banana

nightmare yes that is a banana Nightmare

and you're like well I guess I don't eat

bananas before bed anymore like is what

this girl is thinking and so the door

tells her in the dream like that she's

in danger and that he needs a favor and

she like starts flirting with him cuz

he's super hot and Dre yeah and so when

he's like I need a favor and she's like

what you need me to oil your hinges and

he like blushes a that's cute right I'm

like I didn't expect to find the door as

endearing as I did and I honestly felt

very conflicted as I read this book cuz

I'm really rooting for him well I love

that that means that Vera did a good job

she

really I think going in and just hearing

that like the premise of this book right

we have read and reviewed far more

outlandish [ __ ] far more dare I say

unhinged [ __ ] yeah than unhinged Fair

yes Fair um okay so he uh he blushes

when she offers to oils hinges and then

he says like that they must be together

uh for him to be able to change forms

and protect her he's like yeah like you

are with your vibrating blue

stick cuz he doesn't know what a

vibrator is sure he just knows he

doesn't have any context exactly and

that's when she asks them if all doors

are voyers right and that's when he gets

deeply offended and he says how dare you

madam um I'm not press board I'm your

protector who loves

you I see it on your face you don't want

to find it endearing but you do I don't

you want to be Anno I hate

it I know I know okay all

right no what were you going to say do

you have more questions

no I was thinking

that Matt and I were out to get

something to eat and we're standing in

line and we're like looking at the menu

on the wall or whatever

and out of nowhere so the night before

we had tried something it didn't work

it's fine whatever we did something else

out of

nowhere 24 hours later while we're in a

public space he goes oh my God babe we

need to use a pillow next time like he

turns from the menu and looks at me and

goes babe we need to use a pillow next

time and I wanted so much to be angry

about

it but it was so

cute that I was like okay sweetie and

that's how I feel right now like I want

so much to be mad and hate it but I

don't did you use a pillow next time

yeah was it better yeah I'm glad thank

you way to problem solve

Matt just I'm trying to decide what kind

of burrito I want and babe we need ill

next

time oh in the restaurant was full I was

[Music]

like Matt did not give a [ __ ] that that

rest a single one he was like I've

solved the problem I've been thinking

about this for 24 hours and I finally

got it

incredible um okay so back back in he

tells her once again that she's in

danger right um and that Randall broke

into her place and had like stolen a

pair of underwear a yeah um but that he

can't protect her in door form right I

mean any more than any other door yes

not a crossboard one but an oak one

solid yeah solid o no one's breaking

through that front door right but if

they have a key it's a separate issue

right so then like she's like becoming

open to the idea and it's kind of like

okay like what do you need me to do and

then he can tell she's waking up and

then he like hears her gasp from the

other room as like the dream connection

is severed M um so the next day she goes

out to the store for whatever and uh

Randall sneaks in and uses his master

key and uh has a pill bottle with him

and opens her orange juice and like

dumps a bunch of pills in her orange

juice but the door is back and like he

is a door and so he cannot say like he

can't do anything he's just like

watching this happen right uh

Tanya gets home and has been thinking

about her dream and is like you know

it's crazy

but why not go for it she gets some

disinfectant make sure the knob is clean

she puts a condom over

it to to keep her I don't know what

diseases you think the the

door has for for easier clean up after

yeah probably she she gets some lube she

brings the ottoman over from the living

room so has something to prop herself up

on okay yeah and then she [ __ ] the

knob and has a great

orgasm your fa

what

what he's very excited about this I'm

sure did he flip his dead bull he did

not flip his dead bull can't why does I

don't know but it does make you giggle

every

time but I'm just thinking like that's

so much

preparation that's a lot of intention

yeah yeah she didn't [ __ ] him by

accident which I guess is better than

not well and I'll also I one of the

things that I appreciate is she goes

since you visited me in my nightmare and

asked for this I'm going to take that as

consent like and like says that

like you needed a favor and you said

this is what you needed so I'm I'm like

I love that she was

concerned about her door yeah yeah what

are your thoughts oh well currently I'm

thinking about a documentary I watched

where this woman was in love with the

Berlin

wall that sounds fascinating yeah did

she try and [ __ ] it um I don't know and

what part of it would you choose to [ __ ]

I don't know but like she was in love

with the Berlin wall and eventually like

I think she got a portion of it because

you know the Wall came down so I if I'm

remembering right and it's been years

it's been years but like she had so she

was in love with it when it was still

erect that pun was not intended but it

was a great one um she was just in love

with the wall and then she I think she

got a portion of it and like brought it

home it was

like or

something

yeah but there was no discussion

of how she engaged with it sexually just

that she did so well this one we very

clearly know how she's engaging with it

sexually it's a lot of she of detail and

she had her vibrator in that mix as well

oh yeah so she had a great orgasm and

then like leaves the room and is like

laughing to herself about how ridiculous

it was but then the door is like why is

she laughing does she think this is a

joke like that was that was the best

moment of my life sort of energy from

the door but then the door's like what

happens now and then he starts to feel

himself turn into to human form and to

answer your question there is no door

now she just doesn't have a front door M

thank you yes does he have a name other

than

we will get there and like yeah very

quick very valid question this whole

time he has not had a name okay um what

door like what would it well that's what

I was like is she moaning out door as

she comes because okay all right right

um I think she just like screamed I

don't sure yeah I don't I don't think

she really moaned a specific name in

that moment well I mean now that he's a

human person like right well so she gets

she comes she orgasmed on the door uh

and then went to shower and then when

she comes out of the shower wrapped in

her towel there's this like naked man

standing there who's very attractive and

she's like what the [ __ ] are you doing

get out and he's like I'm your door it's

[Laughter]

me like I feel like she accepts it very

quickly yeah more quickly than I would

probably be able to um

and I just really thought that was so

she's like who the [ __ ] are you he's

like duh obviously I'm your door I'm

your door like did you miss everything I

was telling you I'm trying to

communicate and she's like this is wild

I'm going to make myself a mimosa so she

goes to like start getting supplies but

he's also not used to his body so she

goes to take a sip of the orange juice

and he just like knocks it out of her

hand it's like [ __ ] slaps the orange

juice and she oh right cuz she can't

have the orange juice but she doesn't

know that so she's like the [ __ ] man

like who who are you what is it I [ __ ]

my door and now I can't have orange

juice and he's like no my electricity

bill is going to be through the [ __ ]

roof because I don't have a door you're

letting all the air

out why couldn't you have done this in

early

spring why did you wait so long to make

yourself

known do you not know about

warming oh my God

okay so he [ __ ] slaps the orange juice

out of her hand and then they like leave

it everywhere because it's evidence

they're like we need to call the police

but they're like well before we can call

the police you probably need a new front

door cuz that's going to be hard to

explain right and then they realize that

uh he goes we we found that the app you

can use to order food can also be linked

to the hardware store so they just like

Uber Eats

thems an a door a door from Home

Depot

resourceful yeah so while they're

waiting for the door to be delivered

they get a text that it's going to be an

hour delay they sit down to watch a

movie and as they're cuddled up that's

when uh she asks if he has a name and

then he remembers that uh there was a

celebrity she was talking to a friend

about Idris

Elba and so he uh he decides on dris

instead of Idris so his his name is dris

because she knows he finds Idris Elba

attractive rightly so the

man ain't no slouch he can do no wrong

but

also that's a bold move like what a name

to live up to is part of the

issue you know

touche yeah it's like naming your kid

after a major celebrity and then being

like oh whoops

like like or or like a a saint or

somebody from the Bible that's like a

big deal and like well he didn't turn

out but you

know he didn't turn

out I know we named him after one of the

Minor Prophets from the Old Testament

but this has not panned out how we

hoped he didn't quite live up to his

namesake although In fairness I am named

after one of the mothers of one of those

prophets I don't know that I've lived up

but that's okay in a different

way I was just thinking about you know

what you couldn't even get it no because

I don't know if I've lived up to it and

I was thinking about how most people in

the Bible are Jews and your nose is

really je so like I don't know if I

lived up to it my first thought was I

mean your your nose

has because I have a slightly hebraic

nose that's what we're going with oh my

God

[Music]

and then I was like oh my God Chelsea

don't say that but then I did CU I've

had enough wine that I am because I love

you and know it's a safe space it is a

safe space that was awesome that you

would think it was hilarious and not

offensive that was

awesome oh my God

okay Les we forget when your husband

told a coworker that he started dating

you Hannah

but isn't she Jewish

Jewish why would you think that my

friend

uh you have a great nose thank you it

has personality it does it has a great

personality thank you yes it has the

correct personality for your

face well like that was such a weird

sentence but no like when I look at you

I'm like your nose fits your face so

like

yeah like I've never looked at your face

and like it should have a different nose

and I have thought that about some

people where you're like huh and then

normally you find out like those people

got a botch nose job so that's why

because you're like oh they should have

the nose their face came

with they should have their factory

default nose factory

default go back to is there a reset

button just get the OG nose back

okay so the

door uh the new door not dris the door

right uh the new door gets delivered

while Tanya has fallen asleep on dris

and so he gets up off the couch and like

installs it for her to make sure that

she's safe uh and like the Randall the

property manager texts her and like hey

honey heard you got a large package

delivered need any help I'm great at

moving large packages like winky face

like that level of like ew not subtle

sexual harassment by any stretch like

I'm like bro you

know she takes a screenshot in that text

is evidence like that's not going to go

well for you that's major ick yes um but

also funny because as dris is installing

the new door he's like I chose one that

had uh like a longer handle and

intentionally like steered her away from

the ones that had similar shapes to my

natural knob

cuz he was jealous my natural knob his

natural

knob okay

uh yep his natural knob also dris tells

Tanya that like the property men when

she gets the text he's like oh yeah just

let you know like if he hears your TV on

he'll watch you through your window and

she's like the [ __ ] and he's like I've

been your door couldn't really say

anything right but you might want to

know now yeah yeah yeah yeah Tanya and

dris end up going to the store because

he has no clothes she gave him a pair of

like her ex's sweatpants is the the

energy so she takes them to the store

he's so hot women are crashing their

carts watching him walk through the

store do you remember that photo of

Idris

Elba in the

slacks it went around the internet yes

for a minute and finally he responded

and he was like you guys that is

literally

the the wire from my mic everybody

calmed down I remember the photo I don't

think I ever saw his response yes

incredible like please stop it's the

wire from my mic thank you for giving me

that much credit it's the wire from my

mic yeah he had like taken his mic off

and like tucked it and so it like went

down and looked that's what he said

anyway

was he being truthful or was he just

sick of being sexually harassed who can

say listen probably both probably both

you did what you needed to do Idris so

dris in the book uh he like goes to kiss

Tanya in the store and he's like oh my

gosh like I don't know like she like she

kissed me as a door but like she didn't

consent to this so he like starts to be

like oh my gosh I like shouldn't have

kissed her and then uh much like your

husband in a public setting T just goes

your knob was buried in my [ __ ] hours

ago like I think it's okay for you to

kiss and then like a woman like crashes

the card and she's like that's what you

get for being nosy Stop East

dropping I'm like I don't know if it's

really East dropping if you shout it in

a store yeah if you're saying it loudly

in a public setting I don't think you

can get annoyed with people for being

nosy but maybe that's just me um they

get back to her place oh i' so yeah the

property manager tried to steal

underwear twice okay the first time he

was actually successful the second time

oh it was when he went into drug the

orange juice he went to steal another

pair of underwear but then it fell out

of his pocket so when Tanya got home she

was like oh that's weird yeah yeah um

and for some

reason that comes up now in conversation

but then Tanya's like you know I always

thought there was like every now and

then i' I'd smell this like lingering

smoke smell in my room but just thought

like it was the ventilation or something

so dris is like let me get the cleaning

supplies let me clean your headboard let

me clean like your your bedroom like get

rid of the smell for you um which she's

all about so she starts giving him a

hand

job he there's a praise Kink he's very

that they're very into she's the one

praising him for being a good door she's

like you're such a good door you

protected me so well yeah he's very into

the praise did she wait until after he

was done cleaning to do the handy or

what like while he was cleaning and then

just kind of like distracted him and

stopped him from the rest of the

cleaning by sure giving him a hand job

well she timed that poorly I'm like let

him finish right

literally I'm like the man is doing

house work let him be let him finish and

then let him finish correct you get it

but not at the same time yeah I'd like

to make sure those counters are clean

you know we don't want to miss a spot

there is uh some cuddling and some

pillow talk and then the property

manager starts like banging on the

door and T just goes to open it and

answer it as like dris is kind of like

hey wait like maybe this isn't like the

best idea the property manager is like

clearly under the use of some

substances um and is accusing her of

calling the police because they have are

now like at his place and like

investigating and he's blaming her and

he pulls a gun oh uh and a scuffle

ensues Tanya like dris like goes for the

dude uh Tanya breaks a vase over his

head but it doesn't like knock him out

and then the gun goes off and he shot

dris and dris feels himself like

stiffening back up and like turning back

into a

door and then he just falls on Randall

and as a door as and like loses

Consciousness yeah oh

um months

later

yeah months later dris is starting to

come too uh as he's like feeling Tanya

like put a condom over his knob

again uh and he's like oh this feels

good and he starts to shift back into

being a

human and then like immediately asks if

like he did a good job protecting her

like I'm like oh wow like you have

you've been down for months well he

wouldn't know that necessarily yeah well

and so we find out he's been in evidence

this whole time uh but Tanya was real

upset about how all of this played down

and then Hera came to visit

her and

Hara

uh was I I guess trying to make up for

Zeus's shittiness and give them a chance

and so uh tells T Hara tells Tanya that

dris can remain human moving forward um

but he will change back to a door at the

full

moon and uh so she'll need to [ __ ] him

in door form like on the full moon each

year or each month to get him to keep

him in his human form um but it took

Tanya so long because he had been in

evidence and so she was like trying to

figure out how to get her back um she

fixed the bullet holes with some wood

putty I just really wanted to see your

face when I said

that just a long slow blink and a

Grimace is what we got there mhm um and

then like oh then Zeus had showed up the

day before and dropped off uh like an ID

that had like dr's name on it and like a

Greek birth certificate

so he's now he's legal yeah he's legal

and now they can be

together the

end that's the whole book what happened

to

Randall oh he didn't die when homeboy

fell in him so I think he's in jail I

don't know they caught him that's the

point okay all right do the specifics of

what happened to to Randall matter she's

going to live happily ever after with

her door as an avid listener of True

Crime and Watcher of Law and Order yes

it

matters it matters oh my God have you

watched resident alien did he die I

think we thought he died and then he

didn't die but he was injured I don't

know I started resident alien because I

love Alan tck same um but I feel like I

was distracted I think I only made it

through the pilot do I need to go back

um I have enjoyed it I just finished the

first season okay but the reason I

thought of it is because he like learns

how to speak by watching Law and Order

and so he just randomly throughout the

first season will go Kung Kong like just

out of

nowhere it's so good it's so good yeah I

I I just love Allan to so literally what

did I to say I was like the man can do

no wrong in my my book yeah I've adored

him

since he was Steve the pirate yes um on

a dollhous when he was the villain and

he was so dark and he was so good he was

so good on that oh Firefly yes oh my go

just and he does so many Disney voices

yes like cartoons and characters that

yeah and Nathan fillian shows up in

Resident alien as well oh that's fun as

a voiceover it's very funny actually

yeah I always liked the Firefly

references um on Castle back in the day

yeah like a space cowboy for Halloween

what what's that yeah yeah um okay is

our rating skill knobs yeah I was going

to say doors solid oak doors or uh door

knobs rounded ones for obvious reasons

so literally I've been thinking about

like what's the shape of this knob

because your door does not have a

[ __ ]

knob yeah but mine isn't cient so it's

fine right never tried to [ __ ] mine

Hannah it's a non-issue I wouldn't [ __ ]

my door

knob oh my gosh is that everyone's

takeaway they're just going to like get

home and look at their door knob and be

like could I [ __ ] that would I [ __ ] that

is that the shape I was just thinking

like that's not a shape that is

[ __ ] well and I think that's like

what he tried to steer her to for her

replacement door was a less [ __ ] door

fck door knob well and then like do you

have you ever seen the crystal door

knobs yes yeah they were all over my

great-grandmother's house they're

beautiful they're gorgeous I thought of

those as well like I was like is it like

a beautiful vintage antique crystal door

knob yes which notably there are a lot

of sex toys that look similar to like

vintage correct doorknobs yeah yeah so

that was kind of where my head had

landed was like was like a crystal door

knob yeah was I was like it's not just

like a standard lock that you can get at

any yeah Home Depot this might be

ruining parts of my childhood continue

I'm sorry are you now thinking of

[ __ ] different parts of your

grandmother's home well I'm thinking of

other people [ __ ] different parts of

my grandmother's home why we don't own

it anymore I don't know who's in

there no I

not why are those the people you're

thinking of why are you thinking of

other people why are you thinking of

story that was this old story I got to

say I read this book and no part of me

was like I should have imagine people

[ __ ] different types of locks outside

of this book think that I should think

of it I didn't look at my husband and go

you spend a lot of time with your

grandparents as a

kid what kind of doorknobs did they have

I didn't

Wonder no part of me had any questions

about it this episode is

unhinged okay door knobs of doorknobs in

the shape of your choosing let's say

yeah

listen

doorknobs period no

comma if if you want to Envision a

[ __ ] doorknob that is your choice do

not bring bring me into that we are

going with doorknobs full

stop yep how many

doorknobs

um 30 okay I don't know just the number

felt right in my heart okay out of 30

door knobs

uhhuh

14 okay 12 to 14

doorknobs

okay feels like quite

frankly for how this book had initially

been described and I know I said it

earlier it was a far like cuter more

endearing read than I anticipated at any

point there's more plot than I thought

there would be yes there's a lot of like

sensual I love feeling her around my

Keyhole sort of energy but like sure

yeah it's an erotic door Romance

duh what do you

expect not that I've read others I just

assume I was like what did you

expect not this much plot yeah it was

like same it was and I honestly found

him very endearing he like truly loved

her and wanted to protect her in a way

that like and he he wasn't ashamed of

being her door it sounded like he was

proud of it because he was like between

her and the world yeah he's like I'm her

protector and he's like I'm your door

and I'm your protector and I love you

and I'm like I really I don't know what

I thought when I heard a woman was going

to fall in love with her front door but

like I guess I thought that the door

wouldn't love her back like not that he

would unrequited love with your front

door well right when someone's like oh

did you read the book about the woman

who fell in love with her front door and

like you don't know that door is

sensient and has been communicating with

her and turn like you know like that is

a different experience you heard about

the book about the werewolf shifter Who

falls in love with a potato

shifter can't say that I have potato

shifter I didn't know that was a choice

I saw it on Tik Tok potato shifter I've

never heard of a vegetable shifter

before either

and you know I'm a [ __ ] for potatoes I

know you

are but the PO potato does love the wolf

back according to the Tik Tok does he

suck it as a potato I don't think is it

twice baked I think that somebody does

eat it I don't remember I saw it on a

Tik Tok yeah they ate it that's the

point of a smut

book I'm going have to find it 12 to 14

12 to 12 12 door knobs yeah 12 door

knobs feels right it I went in with

quite literally the lowest of

expectations yeah and was very

pleasantly surprised by like what an

endearing read it was it's also like

less than 100 pages right like it is a

very quick well and I'm thinking too if

it was like fleshed out a little bit

more I could see it

being like getting better but honestly

here's the thing I don't know if it

needs to be flushed out more fair like

as I read through it I was like I feel

like this is what it needed to be like

we didn't over complicate it we didn't

ask too many questions we met

expectations dare I say we exceeded them

because my expectations were so low so

thanks ver Valentine that was a far more

enjoyable Journey yeah than I expected

um let us know how many knobs you would

rate this if uh you would choose a

different not a different knob shape we

said choose your own knob shape I'm not

choosing a knob shap your own adventure

with your knob shape yeah choose a knob

shape tell us how many knobs you'd give

the book we don't need to know about

your knob shape that is between you and

the Lord knob

Goblin I'm so

[Music]

sorry I've been thinking knob Goblin

this whole time and I haven't said it

you've been sitting on knob Goblin this

whole time not no yep

mhm my nickname in high school hey not

at all literally not at all woo probably

the opposite of my nickname in high

school my nickname in high school is

probably chasti belt or something more

is that mine was fun-sized cuz I was

smaller than I am now see

sopia nailed it you did I knew we got

the right Golden Girl for you and we've

made it full circle and we've made it

full circle all right like subscribe

yeah like subscribe tell us what Golden

Girl you identify as [ __ ] your your

Harry Potter house your hogwart's house

we do not care we care about The Golden

Girls I have a lot of golden girl [ __ ]

in my house yeah you do dare I say if

anyone givs me any more Golden Girl [ __ ]

it'll put me over the edge in a way

where I'm like I love them but not where

my house is a gallery huh for them sure

um and I do feel like we've gotten

gifted enough things over time that

we've we've started encroaching on that

territory noted but your house has some

very specific themes as well yeah

primarily horror movies and Pennywise

the

Clown yeah yeah you you probably have

more Pennywise stuff in your house than

we do of The Golden Girls probably yeah

yeah that's a fair assessment all right

um as Hannah said don't forget to like

And subscribe let us know you're Golden

Girl let us know how many knobs you

would rate this book keep the shape of

the knob to yourself but outside of that

we'd love to hear all the thoughts and

details and we'll see you next time bye

SMUD SLS well that's it for this week's

muts [ __ ] we hope it was good for you

cuz it sure was great for us if you're

digging what we're doing it would mean a

lot if you'd take a minute to rate and

review the show wherever you're

listening right now maybe tell that sexy

someone to lend us an ear we love you we

appreciate you and we'll see you next

week stay spdy

[Music]