Smut Club

well

hello all you beautiful people

you know what time it is

[Music]

ladies and gents

guys and dolls and everyone in between

gather round

get you something real nice to sip on

and comfy to slip on

because it's time

for smut club

here's your hosts chelsea and hannah

hello hey everyone welcome to smug club

i'm hannah and i'm chelsea

and we're just gonna

jump right into it today you know that

that's really the only option when you

have a book like this one

there's there's no need for preamble no

um there is a need for a lot of wine

though

so i would i would get an alcohol if you

don't already have an alcohol it doesn't

have to be wine

sure the alcohol of your choosing um it

might it might help this journey if

you're um sober from alcohol

maybe

whatever you you choose to unwind a

glass of warm milk

at all i don't know

maybe a

a brownie or a cupcake

although

your choice of frosting

is very much up to you if you listen to

our last episode thank you very much if

you've listened to our review of

neighbors um you are really sorry you

know what we are referencing um but yeah

maybe

maybe take an edible maybe like whatever

you need to do to just like really get

in the zone for this story because

hannah what's the name of this book

it is morning glory milking farm by cm

niscosta

honestly i feel like that's review

enough

like and thank you all for letting no

i'm just kidding yeah and that that

thing that was all for smack club today

morning glory milking farm you guys

so

this book is the first in what will be a

series it is however a standalone it's

one of those where it follows one couple

for each book for the series

so the first book morning glory milking

farm in the cambric creek series

so we are let me just paint a picture

we are set in a sort of alternate

reality

where mythical creatures exist they

don't just exist they are part of like

normal western society

so we have

vampires and uh

shape shifters werewolves that kind of

things wolves

you mean wolves

i think you mean wolves hannah i said

what i said

um we have pixies and ogres and and

minotaurs and all these different kinds

of creatures

who have like

regular blue and white collar jobs

you know

and they are

somewhat there is some segregation that

we'll get into

i don't know but like it sounds like for

the most part they're just like

productive members of society yes okay

and i don't know if sam niscosta meant

this to be like a

a comment on something

frankly

whatever the comment was was lost

in all of the hugh jackman's of it all

because it's so much y'all it is so much

so

are you referring to hugh jackman the

actor or are you referring to hugh

jackman as a as a hand job as a hand job

that is also going to be our rating

system

how many hugh jackman do you give this

book is ultimately our rating system at

the end

yeah

i'm really sorry you guys so

morning glory milking farm we open with

our dear friend violet

who is um in her apartment watching a

training video for a job that she has

not yet decided if she's going to take

and in this training video she watches

this

fox shifter

um

giving a handy to a minotaur

okay

go on so that's how we open

so it apparently

training video like an instructional

video an instructional video okay

and there's a lot of detail in here

about how to handle the testicles it's a

lot of information to drink in okay i

mean if it's your full-time job you

better take that [ __ ] seriously and she

does

[Laughter]

a lot of notes are taken there's a lot

of highlighting it's a lot

it's a lot so

we learn

that violet has recently graduated from

graduate school

um as some kind of like

historian museum

[Music]

management something or other

regardless she cannot find a job in her

field

okay okay so she she went to school and

got a degree that is not furthering her

career no that alone might be the

author's political commentary it really

could be because what happens is she so

she had moved from her very small town

hometown out of her parents home

her mother apparently has a lot of

anxiety a lot of expectations it's been

a lot for our our friend violet she's

really struggling with her mother's like

hovering

so she had moved out and moved into the

big city

hoping to find a job so that she could

kind of start her own life

and she has been unable to do so in her

field so she starts looking for

literally anything

that will pay the bills

so she finds an advertisement for

something called a milking associate at

the morning glory milking farm and she's

like what the pay is amazing it's full

benefits

cambrick creek is a super cute town

i

am really excited about this

and brandon the pug is also really

excited about this yes my my pug brandon

is the most excited about it honestly

he's so excited he might go

ex it's like celebrate and process how

excited he is in his crate

which is not in this room

so that that might be coming our way

sorry buddy

so

she applies for this job and apparently

goes for

she does a couple of video interviews

and then she goes to an in-person

tour of the facility where she finds out

that a milking associate

essentially is an individual who

provides manual stimulation to minotaurs

in order to collect their sperm

so she's a minotaur fluffer

she is a minotaur fluffer

although is it is it still fluffing if

you bring them to completion i don't

think so i think the definition of

fluffer is like to prepare for the main

show

so i think if you are

if you are getting all the way to the

main show that it is not fluffing so if

she's bad at her job she's a minotaur

fluffer

yes exactly

so um she discovers that she is going to

be providing tustin jimber lakes to

minotaurs

to collect their sperm my i'm already

like i'm so excited for this full review

just to hear how many different

euphemisms hannah can use for [ __ ] we

already have hugh jackman and

tustin jimberlake

it's gonna be a lot and i would

apologize but i'm not sorry

so

so she in in the opening chapter she's

trying to decide like

do i really want to do this like

i'm essentially going to become a sex

worker like do i really want to do this

and then she realizes if she doesn't do

this she's gonna have to move home into

the basement apartment at her parents

house back into her hometown

and she's gonna have to put up with all

of that [ __ ]

and she's like you know what

i can do it

i can do it i'm going to do it so she is

taking copious notes on the proper

technique

to get these minotaurs where they need

to go she's an academic at heart she

really is she really is and she's very

passionate about her work which i can

appreciate i love someone with a good

work ethic

yes and violet if nothing else has a

good work ethic

so

so

she goes it's her first

her first day essentially

she's getting into all of this and um

she

is paired up with a another milking

associate who's more experienced who's

going to be training her so she's

essentially trained like shadowing this

milking associate and watching her as

she goes through the process so it's

very descriptive well and you know it's

also funny hannah and i know we've

mentioned this in a previous episode but

how we met was you trained me

on a job

neither of us

has anymore

i did do that you did yeah i did do that

to be fair i think you'd only started

like two or three weeks before me and

not a lot you pretty much

single-handedly led my training for

someone who had just started before me

so i i feel a kinship with violet here

you know um

i can only hope that i was as thorough

and supportive as her trainer was

because that's like a major point in the

book is she's a very good friend to

violet

so she coaches her through everything

teaches her the process the procedure

they have these like

like uh

it i don't remember what it's called but

it's like a

machine

so they they begin with the manual

stimulation and then when we get close

to completion they apply this thing this

machine that has suction that then

brings them in a target to completion so

she is pulling

i guess yes yeah okay and then she

collects like the the sperm is collected

in like an old-fashioned milk jug like a

glass milk jug to go along with the

milking farm

theme

so she is responsible for cleaning the

um the equipment and making sure the

room is ready doing the paperwork and

things like that but she's not actually

doing anything in terms of the actual

milking well you gotta you gotta show

what you bring to the table you gotta

like do the grunt work first right right

she is not ready to go full shandy

should we need to work up to it you know

yep

so that's three for those of you who are

playing along

so um so

about a couple of weeks go by

violet is starting to make more money

she's feeling more confident um

she's really looking forward to and this

will be important later she's really

looking forward to being able to buy

coffee at a couple of the local coffee

shops

um because that's like a luxury for her

because she has has

struggled with money for so long

so

um she's really excited about everything

but then she shows up one day and her

trainer is like hey violet it's all you

babe

like i'm going to be shadowing you now

like it's your turn this is just like

when you trained me it is it is

only with less

bull penis

like like not no bullpen but just less

you're gonna give people a really weird

perception of the job you trained me on

for the record we're both therapists we

are licensed therapists there was no

bull penis penie

penises i think that's the right one um

i've been saying syllabi a lot recently

and i i just got on that i was like

penie nope that's not right um

there there was no

bull

penises

in our training at any point yeah to be

fair there were no penis in any of the

training

[Laughter]

no penises allowed there were no

species of penis allowed in the training

that was completed anyway

although it wasn't completed was it

if there wasn't one there it was did it

did it come to completion we wouldn't

know because it was all virtual if a

tree falls in the forest

which by the way some men are clearing

trees in your yard right next to us

right now so i i can hear it

i don't know if the listeners can but i

can so if a tree falls down in my

neighborhood

yes it does make a sound it can be heard

yes

so

anyway

violet is like oh [ __ ] i was very

comfortable

just like kind of being present for this

and doing the grunt work and now i have

to actually like do it like oh god now i

have to do the grunt work she she sure

does

and there is grunting

so she has that work ethic we applaud it

damn straight

so she goes in and

so the way that the milking room is set

up

there is a platform where the minotaurs

come in

and then there is like a lower level

where the milking associate is so the

i can't believe i'm going into this much

detail about it but

so

the minotaur there's a they call it a a

a bench like a a

milking bench

where the minotaurs basically straddle

something that has a hole in the middle

so that the their their

penises come through

to the lower level

that's at like face level with okay i

was literally about to ask how high the

platform it's not like face level

with the milking associate so they're

more able to handle i'm really sorry

that i'm doing hand motions right now i

know you guys can't see it but i just

realized the hand motions i was doing

and i feel really bad about it

so

[Music]

okay so essentially there's a

in their warehouse where they do the

milking there's multiple levels and the

minotaurs

end up on they straddle a milking bench

and then put their junk eye level

with the milking associate right who

then fluffs them until they

put the machine contraption on them yes

to finish and put it in drugs yes yeah

so

she goes in for her first

client right and she's super nervous

also quick question just for my own

conceptualization of this

is there like

is the bench high enough that like

there's like not really like you're not

really talking to the minute like

there's no like conversation or like can

you like

do do they make eye contact do they

engage or is it just like is is the

thought process that each minotaur just

like comes sits on the bench there's no

eye contact no communication they just

get their hugh jackman and then

move on to the next thing and like is

that like like a conveyor belt of

minotaur dicks so it depends and we're

gonna get to that okay so i'm jumping

the gun there can be eye contact and

there can be conversation however the

milking associate is in scrubs and like

a a

face mask as we're all very familiar

with now thank you kovid

and

like a hair net situation well not hair

net but like covering thing so she's

pretty well covered

but conversation and eye contact is

uh

part part of the fluffing process

depending on the minotaur it could be

okay so she walks in and she's like like

freezes up and her trainer is like

hey so sorry for the delay we've got a

trainer taking care of you today but

she's really great like don't worry

about it and she's like thank [ __ ] for

her because oh my god like

because she

sees this minotaur up in the platform

and she's like am i into that

oh [ __ ]

and so she goes into

like what part of him was she like her

hit like his back

like his

back muscles so she sees his back

muscles and his dick and is like

am i into this and his tail i guess and

hooves

you know i forgot about the hooves i

guess minotaurs are hooved animals i

once had a friend

she went to an allergy specialist who he

told her she was only allergic to hoofed

meat options

and i'd never heard that before but it

is reminding me of this book so would

that be like cows and goats

and pit like do pigs have hoofs pigs

have hooves right

yeah i guess to be fair whenever i think

hooves i think horses but i also we

don't we don't readily eat horse

in america no no no we're not in america

so

yes

but she was a vegetarian anyways so it

didn't really make a difference

so yes i have no response anyways

minotaurs have hooves minotaurs have

hooves

so and haunches that's you know there's

a lot of description of haunches in this

book so

he gets settled

um and he's like

as the trainer is like i'm you know it's

a trainee today we'll we'll get you

taken care of quickly he's like whatever

i'm on my lunch break just hurry up

right because apparently these minotaurs

make a [ __ ] ton of money

because so i don't think i've explained

the reason why they're collecting

minotaur sperm

who needs a reason there's just a

factory for minotaur sperm

so

apparently somehow somewhere someone

discovered that minotaur sperm is a very

helpful ingredient for human male

erectile dysfunction and so it is used

in the little blue pills for

human men to get it up

and

i mean honestly here's my thought how

did they discover this

i've thought a lot i know that's

probably not in the book but in my head

i'm like

i'm really curious about their

scientific discovery for

was it just like a bestiality

relationship sure that like then

as the human was going down on the

minotaur

he

got himself up sure and then he was like

whoa

minotaur sperm we should all try it

i'm really creating this narrative here

but i i do have questions around

this scientific discovery

so i have thought a lot about it because

it's very clearly not like like a madame

curie or isaac newton or any of the

above situation it's not a penicillin

it's not the discovery of penicillin

it's not the discovery of penicillin

where somebody just forgot to wash the

the petri dishes and came in and was

like what like that clearly is not how

we got there so i'm very comfortable

with the idea that it was like

a a man going down on a minotaur and

being like what like that's pretty

here's the thing i'm just gonna say i

think i'm more comfortable with that

thought than like how we discovered cow

milk was drinkable

yes like yeah i do have a lot of

questions about that just like in our

actual world as well like

at what point was someone was like this

looks like was it like this looks fun i

should squeeze this and then they're

like i should drink it too like how did

we get to a point in life where we were

like we should

be squeezing that part of a cow

i feel the same way about lobster like

who got hungry enough to eat a giant sea

bug

like whoa you know i never thought of

that or an or an oyster or a clam like

oh and i i love seafood so that's not

even the issue but like how hungry do

you have to be i think

in the olden days i don't know how long

ago the olden days were but i feel like

there was like a lot of trial and error

with food because here's the thing like

like mushrooms honestly i'm mushrooms

have a weird texture i don't really [ __ ]

with them i love mushrooms well and i'm

glad someone does i i can't bring myself

to like them i've tried so hard

but like

some must like mushrooms are delicious

some mushrooms will

give you like these psychedelic effects

some will kill you instantly and like

there's so much trial and error in

figuring out

which is the correct mushroom form

we are really getting on this tangent so

let's just we're gonna bring it back in

we're gonna come back regardless of how

it was discovered the point is that

it is

our sperm goes into

viagra

essentially yes

in this like alternate universe

so so she goes in she's very nervous

this minotaur she finds very attractive

she doesn't even really see his face so

much she sees like his his back through

his dress shirt because he's apparently

a businessman and she's like that's

pretty hot

and then he gets he can't be that good

of a businessman if he needs to make a

dish so that is addressed okay that is

addressed apparently they make so much

money from these deposits that a lot of

them almost live off of that and then

work full-time and just like save

oh yeah i love their entrepreneurial

spirits right i'm super i'm i'm very

proud of them

so

basically it's addressed in the book

that pretty much every male minotaur

does this period end of discussion like

it's just expected that that's what

happens that's what they do

so

he gets onto the breeding bench as it is

called

and she

she lubes up there's a very large

obviously thing of lube available

and she starts

like giving him the full steak and shake

and he is

four for those counting at home that was

the fourth hand job euphemism

so

yes

and she's like this is super hot like i

have not been turned on by watching this

before when my trainer was doing it so i

don't know what is happening but

i'm super into it

so she's giving him a handy

and it's very descriptive it is very

descriptive

of of all of it and he is not

circumcised and it's just a lot to deal

with are mennonites normally circumcised

i don't know i'm not familiar enough

with minotaur culture to comment on okay

so that that's not something addressed

in the book it is not addressed in the

book

so

she's like

what

i really like this and then he starts so

he

there are different

classifications of minotaur that come in

that the milking associates have and i

won't describe those later but he is one

that is basically the like

quick one-and-done like not here for a

good time just here to make some money

kind of situation

so normally they are very

that that type is very uh

stoic and just like pounds it out and is

good to go but he starts like making

sound and like doing all this and she's

like

[Music]

getting more and more aroused by all of

this and i think at one point she says

between him and me i'm going to float

out of here

which

and once again she's really just seeing

his back like and his penis and his

penis

i imagine it had to be a beautiful penis

for this level of reaction sure but like

he's making some sounds and moans and

whimpers that like let us know he's into

it but like we know nothing about him or

his face and like it's not like they are

having any conversations not really

except that he says that i'm on my lunch

break like let's hurry the [ __ ] up

basically so she is doing her thing and

she's like i think i might be good at

this actually

and um he starts to

get closer to completion

and so she attaches the machine

and then she's like well in the video

she like played with his balls so i

should do that because they did it in

the video and i took notes about that

so she is an academic at heart she is

and she's very much a perfectionist and

so she is going to be

the best [ __ ] hand job performer

of all time listen if there is a rubric

for being a milking associate she is

shooting for perfect scores on whatever

that metric is i feel like we're looking

at milk jugs for the

uh not not hugh jackman for our ratings

milk drops milk jugs maybe we'll do a

little bit of both we'll just have to

see how it feels

so

so she does she plays with his balls he

makes a lot of sound

and he

he comes into the milk jug

and

she's like holy [ __ ] that was super hot

like that should not have been hot like

he's just a client like that's really

weird that's never happened before oh my

god right is hipaa involved here

i mean they do a lot to

respect the minotaur's privacy they do

because i guess technically it is a

medical procedure however hipaa is not

directly addressed in the book

there's never a release of information

signed no no you got it so

she walks out and she's like god damn

and then she carries on with her day and

that doesn't happen again like she

continues to

provide the nantucket handshake to

the rest of her clients but it does not

happen again that she becomes fully

aroused by that

yeah so it was only the one minotaur who

arrived just the one it was just the one

so then at the end of the day she goes

out to the front desk and apparently the

minotaurs can tip if they're like super

into

whatever happened but but the milking

associates don't know who left what tip

it's all anonymous

but in one of her little tip envelopes

she gets like a crisp hundred dollar

bill and she's like i know who this was

from okay

i mean

if it wasn't from him i'd have more

questions

okay

so

she starts to get more comfortable with

her job she's getting into it and then

and i pulled this up so i could make

sure that i told you correctly

so there are several different types of

minotaurs that come to this

milking farm

and um

they're so i'm going to go through them

we have the earners

so the earners are the one that ones

that can account for essentially like

every drop that's a direct quote i'm

really sorry that i said that

um

so

they are fully aware of all of their

output they make very good money from

this for some of the for some of them

this is their primary income

stream so they are the earners

um

i'm really sorry

their primary income stream

god damn it

so sorry so the next is the pop and go

[Laughter]

that's what it says it's right there it

says poppy i don't doubt it but if y'all

i'm about listen hannah's doing this i

need more wine you're gonna hear me pour

more wine and i apologize it will pick

up the sound but like i feel like i need

more wine for this experience and if

there was ever

ever an episode that should have been

like sponsored by bota box but wasn't

it's this one and it would be

way cooler if it were

right like hey buddha box

you you really keep us going through

this and you don't sponsor us but we'd

love it if you did yeah

because if there's anything that's rip

right rich and smooth

it's this minotaur's dick

it's the minotaur sperm thank you

the pilot would agree i was so sorry

recommendation like i'm really sorry on

like deeply

also we apologize buddha box we are not

comparing you in any way you're not

comparing your argentina dark malbec to

minotaur sperm it's delicious and i've

never had minotaurs

i did see on tick tock the other day

stop i don't even know where this is

going a semen mixology book

a semen mix shut your mouth when you're

talking to me that is not a thing

it was no it was a thing and he showed

it and he went over some of the listen i

know there's great protein in it but

like put that [ __ ] in my smoothie

i get that

that could be in the book you know i

apologize for [ __ ] on it so readily

but like i'm

no no king shaming here that could be

part of the mixology you don't know i i

i take back my judgment i apologize it

was a snap judgment and i regret it

anyway the pop and go

so these are the ones that come

basically this is first timers

and it's first timers and vance just

pulled up chelsea's husband just pulled

up the seminology

mixology book i feel vindicated thank

you great news guys it's free on kindle

unlimited

stop

yes

we will put it in the show notes it is

free for those of you who

are subscribed to kindle unlimited

i don't know how much it how much does

it cost if it's not unlimited

22.95 so you too can learn how to mix

semen

and i don't remember any of the names of

the

the the drinks but i do remember that

they were very funny so maybe i'll look

them up later but

the point is the pop and goes are

essentially first-timers

that show up and tend to talk a big game

like i'm here to rock your world baby

like you've never seen somebody as big

as me and then they basically come in

like two seconds because they're not

used to the stimulation that they

receive so then they leave very

embarrassed

so it's like most guys at a college bar

pretty much every guy at a college bar

but minotaur but minotaurs okay i'm

but but they can probably back up their

size a little bit more because it's a

bull penis situation instead of just

like

like a 21 year old [ __ ] idiot who's

had too much whiskey and thinks he's

really cool because he drinks whiskey

you know

i once ordered whiskey on the rocks at a

bar and at a honky tonk in nashville

when we were living there and the guy at

the bar next to me literally looked at

me and said will you marry me

and i went you have a very low bar my

friend

so honored but if your only bar is that

i drink whiskey

this is

too low a bar and i want you to aim

higher for yourself

i don't know if i should feel better or

worse that i have not had a spontaneous

proposal like that i mean i have but not

in that that scenario well plot twist

he's not my husband

oh

i know everyone is shocked by that i

know poor guy i hope he's happy wherever

you are i hope you're happy whiskey on

the rocks guy right

so then we have the clock watchers which

is the one that she was super turned on

by these are the guys that are

essentially like

high power businessmen um just making a

little extra money

um they're always on their way to

another meeting to a lunch meeting to

whatever

so um

it's very much transactional for them

and they very rarely

um

vocalize or express any kind of

excitement

they're just like didn't get out i want

my money for my sperm basically yeah

cool so the last one is the one that is

the most like

uh why

was that necessary for this

um as opposed to the rest of the book

which is very necessary obviously yes

yeah um it is the good little cows

i wasn't ready i wasn't ready for it i

said what i said

so the good little cows are basically

into the

fantasy of being milked like they're

into that kink

and so sometimes so there are notes in

the milking associates like uh files for

the day that will tell them if they want

them to wear a specific kind of outfit

like a milk made

oh outfit

okay um

and

um

[Music]

so like these guys it's like more fetish

for these guys yes okay it's less

business more fetish yes and they do

tend to be the best tippers apparently

um well one won't hope if it's your

fetish and they're making it like making

your dreams come true that you would tip

well

don't be stingy right and they're very

clear in the book that the owners of the

milking farm are very much about the

safety of their

um

their milking associates and so they say

if anybody's ever inappropriate with you

all you need to do is report it and

they'll be banned

so i guess that's good like i don't know

what the point of that was

you know like for the i mean on mass of

the book like just if we sort of distill

it to what it is

why

well i mean like i bet there's some

freedom for a milking associate to know

that like if a minotaur is inappropriate

that like they can hold a boundary and

they can say like no you are no longer

welcome here

sure yeah

like that must feel good because you

know like what would suck if like

someone was like really inappropriate it

was a really shitty experience and they

like showed up the next week and they're

like

they requested you and you're like no

ma'am

yeah there's a certain amount of

empowerment to know that if somebody

makes you feel unsafe that you don't

have to interact with them again yes yes

i could i could agree with that

so

um

violet is getting more settled into the

job she's learning more about it she is

making pretty good money

and she's kind of like rocking and

rolling along and then she gets a

request

so she has her stack of

files for the day she gets a request and

she's like oh [ __ ] this could only be

one minotaur and i'm like why you've

literally serviced like 200 at this

point like why could it only be the one

but okay

so she's like oh [ __ ]

and then so as the day goes along this

particular day nothing is going right

like the the equipment's not working

properly not the minotaur equipment

they're fine but like

her

the the milking equipment is not working

properly she's behind schedule like

nothing is going the way it's supposed

to so she gets to her last appointment

of the day and it is the minotaur and

she finally sees his face and she feels

like he's super

hot

did she initially recognize him by his

back muscles she did okay yes and he's

wearing a a septum piercing okay um and

she's like that's also pretty hot

like i'm kind of into that

and so

they sort of strike up a conversation

she talks about how bad her day was he's

like i'm so sorry i hope that i wasn't

your bad luck because i requested you

and she was like i guess we'll just have

to see

they start talking about coffee she

shares with him that she went to this

particular coffee shop and he's like no

no no no that coffee shop is terrible

you need to go to this one and she was

like okay i'll remember that

blah blah blah blah blah

so she carries on with her life she

continues to work and do well and make

money and make all these tips and

everything's going great

um her mom continues to call her to try

to get her to move home and she tells

her mom she's working for a

pharmaceutical company which i guess is

technically true

so

then one day she's at a coffee shop

this guy starts hitting on her and she's

like jesus christ and

she's like is she at the coffee shop

that's the dude recommended okay and

she's like oh [ __ ] like i

am not into this and this girl comes up

to her and is like hey han like i'm so

sorry i'm late thank you so much for

like saving a table like blah blah blah

blah so like a random stranger totally

comes up and saves her we love this

stranger classic classic like girl power

move here

so

sorry i need a little more wine for

what's about to happen oh god

so she makes friends with this person

who is uh british i guess and super nice

chatty

um she discovers that this uh woman is a

vampire

who works at a

restaurant for vampires and so she is

essentially a collector of blood so

people volunteer and get paid

um to provide blood to this restaurant

and this vampire collects it i love that

all of the species in this universe

really all work to each other's greater

good they do and only in cambric creek

so in the larger city

um the other species are kind of more

looked down upon but in this particular

sort of

town suburb area of the city

you have like she and she describes like

moth people ogres pixies trolls dwarves

like all these different kinds of

creatures shifters um all coexisting

together and kind of loving on each

other and supporting each other which is

great

so

um she meets this this vampire

they really hit it off she they decide

they're gonna meet up again

um she continues to work blah blah blah

she sees the minotaur again and makes

specific like the minotaur again she

does not know his name because it's only

initials on his uh file

so he requests her again so she knows

that she's been requested she sees his

initials she knows that it's him

um

and she makes a specific note of his

septum piercing

and every time and i'm not going to get

into it every time but every time she

gives him

she

she goes for the full handskip

he

um she is super aroused by the whole

situation right

so um

she

goes home and is thinking about him she

watches some minotaur human porn gets

herself off

she then decides she needs to look up

what the septum piercing means because

not all of the minotaurs that she

services has them

so

she discovers that the septum piercing

generally means that the minotaur is

married so she is super upset by this

because

she was like i thought we had a

connection and then she beats herself up

because she's like we did not have a

connection

i'm giving him a medical procedure like

you need to calm the [ __ ] down right i i

just really love that like hand jobs

like this entire book is about giving

minotaurs hand jobs and she's like it's

a medical procedure

it it is okay it is

so

um she

yeah so she does the whole deal

um

of like pulling back from him

essentially because she's like oh he's

married like i really should not be so

like he like shows up to be serviced and

she's just like

not talking about coffee anymore like

more like just like withdrawn yeah okay

she's trying to have more professional

boundaries because she recognizes that

like she's maybe going a little bit too

far with this guy if she's into him like

that

so she then goes to get coffee a couple

of days later and he's there

and she's meeting her vampire friend and

people are currently cutting trees down

in chelsea's yard so i'm really like we

are college guys y'all there are there

are trees coming down

they're like they're not small trees

they're not and there are a lot of dudes

out there there are and so like

something to know about

where where my husband and i live is

that it's a it's very heavily wooded and

there's also some steep angles you know

what else is heavily wooded these

minotaurs hey

i'm so sorry um no but for real my so

our yard is very like heavily wooded our

neighbors are getting some trees removed

but because of

generally how most all of these trees

line up that people need removed um they

can't just like let them cut them and

let them fall so they actually have to

like rope

like pieces down individually or if they

cut it down it will land on your house

yeah um

so

the end of this episode could be really

interesting right but like we applaud

this noise for the fact that like my

neighbors are getting trees safely

removed that won't fall on my house or

theirs in my neighborhood is notorious

like we had some trees removed recently

and the guy was like oh yeah whenever

there's a storm that comes through like

your neighborhood like all of the the

tree service people get hit up because

like trees always fall down in fact when

we were buying our house we were under

contract that hadn't closed yet a

hurricane came through and two trees

fell down and hit our neighbor's house

and i was like i'm so sorry but also i

don't own the house yet so it's not my

problem yeah um

we haven't we haven't talked to them

since i bought the house and it is my

problem

you know but you know these things

happen

and so they do

so um

so violet do we know his name at this

point not yet oh my god no i don't even

know his name okay no we don't know his

name so so she is at the

coffee shop and she's meeting her

vampire friend and he's there and he's

there and she has already emotionally

withdrawn from him because a septum ring

normally means in their community that

he is married yes and so she's like oh

[ __ ]

oh god i did not want to talk to him

ever again oh god

and so she's kind of freaking out is it

like actually she didn't want to talk to

him or is she like a low-key a little

excited that he's there

i mean i guess she's a little bit

excited that she that he's there but

she's like really sad

she's really sad

um

that he's married and she had like built

it up in her mind that they had this

connection and he was married

so he's like oh hey like let me buy you

a coffee and she's like no i'm here with

someone and he's like oh you're on a

date and she's like yep

yep i'm on a date even though she's not

so she's lying to just like put

emotional distance between them

technically it's a friend it's a friend

date so i mean if you want to splice it

that way you can

feels like she was reaching for the sake

of she was the distance between them

though she was for sure so he's like

oh

oh okay

right

and then later

he

he comes back to the milking farm

and they're like kind of weird and she

goes up onto like the milking bench area

which she almost never does and they're

like talking and he's like well i didn't

realize you were seeing anyone and she's

like well i didn't realize you were

married and he was like the [ __ ] are you

talking about she's like you're you're

piercing and he's like no i'm divorced

i've been divorced for two years i've

just been afraid to get this removed

because i think like it's gonna hurt

like getting it hurt a lot and getting

it removed is gonna hurt a lot and i've

just been kind of been avoiding it and

she's like oh

i was on a date with my friends

and then they're like oh

okay

well then they cleared up this big

miscommunication they have okay and

honestly like that is basically like the

biggest

plot point of the whole book like

there's no plot at what point in the

book does that happen

it happens

like

about halfway through a little more than

halfway through okay yeah

so then

she's like oh okay and he's like we

should get dinner and she's like i don't

i don't think i'm allowed to do that and

he's like sure you can

and so

because there are um cameras in on the

milking level but there are not cameras

on the breeding bench level

um for the privacy of the minotaurs

so

anyway

so she gives him the five finger slippy

and then

and

then um

he

he's like we should get dinner they plan

a date

and she's like i think this might be

unethical but i don't really know like

oh

so she's she decides to go for it they

go out on a date it's really lovely

she really enjoys his company everything

is great

she hears more about his

um ex-wife

and decides to look her up she discovers

that this this ex-wife is like a

uh

i don't know what you would call it

like

like she's mixed so she's half minotaur

half human and she's like super gorgeous

and all this other stuff and she's like

oh [ __ ] she starts to kind of feel bad

about herself what is your body if you

are half menitar and half human

i don't really

okay i just i think her facial features

were more human than a minotaur okay i

can work with that yeah

but she still had hooves in a tail

and hooves is an allergy

apparently apparently

aren't hoops like fingernails though

i mean to be fair i don't eat human

fingernails

so

i don't i don't eat hooves or human

fingernails i just want to clarify that

for the record no one was asking but

just just to make sure we were all on

the same page i just choked a little bit

um okay you need more wine there no

i'm good

um so she like gets kind of

self-conscious and he's like no you're

you're gorgeous and blah blah blah blah

blah

you're gorgeous even if you don't have

hooves and a tail exactly that's what

that's what we all want to hear from our

partners honestly like that's why i

married my husband

did matt say to you at some point

hannah

you're beautiful even without hooves and

a tail

you know i don't think he used those

exact words

honestly i'd have more questions if my

husband did

my husband was like i think you're

stunning even if you don't have hooves

i'd be like wait hold up

i mean

in all fairness my husband is from very

rural west georgia that's basically

alabama so

i would also like to clearly state just

because hannah's husband is from west

georgia he has never been into

bestiality he hasn't and i let's let's

just clear that [ __ ] up right now you're

like i just want to be clear he is from

west georgia and i'm like you know who's

going to be pissed listening to this

episode your husband when we're talking

about minotaur sex and you're like he is

from west georgia y'all let's be totally

fair he's not going to listen

[Laughter]

he has to listen to me talk about this

[ __ ] all the time anyway he is not going

to this is why we started this podcast

because all in a ridiculous book i'm

like oh my god vance i just need to tell

you all about it and then i feel like

i'm

like i'm very early in to what i think

it's a great book description and i can

tell he's like i'm ready for this to not

yeah eyes are glazing over like we're

checking out he's like for sure so i

would like to play a game on this on my

nintendo switch at this point

and i'm like yeah you know i guess i

guess this might not be as exciting for

you which is why we started this podcast

so we could all have a safe space to

talk about smut with people who give a

[ __ ] because our husbands are very

supportive wonderful human beings who we

like adore with every every fiber of our

being

and

they also don't read smut or really have

a desire to discuss it with us yeah they

don't get excited about it you know

they just don't and by excited we just

mean like excited to read it we don't

mean like aroused excited

so

yes so

at work

i have a feelings wheel yep all

therapists should have this it's a great

tool it's very helpful for people to

identify what they're feeling and on

this feelings wheel is the word aroused

and i cannot tell you the number of

times that a new patient has come in and

picked it up and said

how many times has somebody said aroused

i'm like too many bro like more than you

would think

like honestly more than you would hope

for real

for you the goal is that no one comes in

for therapy and when you're like how are

you feeling today and they go around

you're like well that's not the word i

was hoping for

yeah

yeah like maybe we should end session

early but anyway

so

they go on a date

it's very enjoyable she's super into it

he seems super into it

it's all great

she's starting to get kind of anxious

because she knows the size of his member

um because i mean she has at least on

three occasions now yeah

given him

a beef jerky

she had given him a beef jerky

i'm i like i both i simultaneously love

and hate all of these hand job

euphemisms

i personally can't stop

i got so excited about all of these

euphemisms that i made a list for all of

the ones that i wanted to make sure that

i and she texts me about it like hannah

straight up text me and she's like i'm

so excited to review this book because i

have a full list of my favorite

euphemisms for hand jobs and i was like

that is commitment my friends

like literally my notes for this book

are just

hand job euphemisms like that's

that's all how many more do you have on

the list that we haven't hit yet a lot

yes all right let's get back in so you

you can start knocking those out

so

she knows what she would be working with

because she has given him a smiley dan

in the past

so

um she is like hoping that he's gonna

come inside and he's like giving her a

nice little kiss you mean like come

inside her house not inside of her both

okay valid yeah

so

um

yeah so

he drops her off she's like what's

happening here

um oh they go on a couple more dates he

does wind up taking her home and this is

where the book for me like

none of it has been great

in all fairness to siem nescasta and all

the wanky jobs that happened here

none of it has been great

but this is where it's like

okay so we we were sort of tiptoeing to

the line

and now we have we have tap dance to

cross it

okay

so she finally goes home with dude buddy

and

he

she starts to give him a swedish massage

and not like a regular one like a handy

swedish massage

and he has a ton of lube and obviously

because it's going to be necessary

because they're very specific that he is

quite

large and

and wide and there's a lot happening

for him

in that situation so

she's getting really aroused and really

excited and he's like no no no no no no

like

pump the brakes we got to get you ready

for all this because i'm not trying to

hurt you right now and she's like but

you could though

and he's like no

so he pumps the brakes he slows it down

he tries to get her ready

and here's the problem no here's a

problem so they talk about the amount of

ejaculate

that is happening right

because it's being collected

scientifically and medically so we know

the amount

and she is fantasizing about

oh what

24 ounces oh my god

stop

stop right now you shut your mouth right

now

so like the standard

ejaculation for a minotaur is 24 ounces

of semen that's what fills up the jug

so they don't all meet that i'm looking

at my water bottle right now that holds

32 ounces and i am feeling very

concerned

[Music]

oh no that shouldn't all go in your body

you're a human

no

no it shouldn't go in anybody's body

really it should go in a glass jug and

into viagra

which is the whole point of the milking

farm i mean

yes

so she is wicked turned on by this whole

scenario again she has watched minotaur

human porn and gotten herself off to

this she's telling him about it he's

like i'm real into that

and

eventually is this his first time with a

human do we know

i don't think we know but it does seem

that way okay it does seem that way but

he is trying to be very careful not to

hurt her which is nice that's very kind

you always appreciate that yeah

so

they do it

it's very messy

it's very messy

there's 24 ounces of jizz

i hated i hated that

sentence yup i mean you're not wrong but

i hate that you said it

okay so there it's very messy there's 24

ounces of jizz yes and

they need a lot of towels

you know the great news is very specific

in the book go to costco

get a get a pack it's very cheap you can

bleach them after

i hate everything about this but go on

so

after all that happens and she is left

to clean up the kansas milk of it all

she

i'm sorry guys i'm not that sorry i'm

going to keep going because i can't stop

so

much like oh i forgot his name is rourke

she finds out at the coffee shop coffee

shop his name is rourke

so

they continue to bang and it's all great

her mom is trying to set her up with

some guy

that she grew up with

in her hometown and she's like jesus

christ woman like please leave me alone

like

jesus jamal xavier christ please stop

calling me about this like i'm really

not into it

and she can't like mom can't stop so

there is some some concern about the

whole inter-species

situation

so she talks about common in this

universe it is so she talks to her

friend who is the vampire and gets some

support around it she also meets her

she meets rorke's neighbor

who is a pixie who's in a relationship

with the an ogre i think

and she's like yeah he's like massive

and like oh my god and you're like why

is this part of the conversation

right i mean oh

anyway well but also like

i don't know i think back on when i was

dating my husband and if i like there

there wasn't an inner species

question of any capacity but i do feel

like if my husband's neighbor had been

like

that's who you're dating

he's huge he's so well endowed i'd be

like i don't want to have this

conversation with you

yeah that would have been a

i would say hard pass but that feels

weird for the current conversation so

that feels worse

that's like like a flaccid pass that's

terrible classic pass man

i'll have to pass on that one

i want to start using that more

but i don't think there's a setting in

which it's appropriate it's only this

setting flap and pass literally only

with me on this podcast can you use the

phrase flaccid patch and we will use

that in the future and no one will like

they will have to come back to this

episode for context or they'll be like

what the [ __ ] is chelsea talking about

and she's like flaccid pass on that one

[Music]

precisely

so anyway she does get a lot of support

from other females i'm not going gonna

call them women because they are not

human

but she gets a lot of support from other

females around the whole inner species

thing and she's like maybe we can make

this work

and then she's like oh wait is he gonna

be weird about me working at the milking

farm

because like i'm i'm i'm like giving a a

sand job to other dudes like is he into

that did you say a sand jump i did

i have are they at the beach i don't

know

a sand jab

that's better than a sad job

is that

yes uh well you know it there's probably

less friction than a sand job

but a good job

so here's the other thing about this

whole book okay

so i've used a few different

obviously like a few different

euphemisms but some of my favorites like

a nantucket

handshake and a houston high five i

don't know that they would be fully

appropriate because this is like an

alternate reality so

so nantucket and houston don't exist i

did use kansas milk and i won't

apologize for that

but

you know i don't think you need to

apologize for not knowing the nuances of

the

universe which this is happening thank

you i probably need to apologize for a

lot but not for that

yes give yourself that freedom so she's

like okay i'm really into him this is

going well but will he be okay with me

being a milking associate because it's

not just him i mean milking precisely

um and he's like yeah babe it's a

medical procedure like it's all good

like

you're the only one i want milking me

but it's cool if you keep this job i

know that it's important to you to have

your independence i could support you

like you could move in with me tomorrow

and that would be cool

but i know your independence is

important to you blah blah blah

so

um her mom calls her and says she found

a job for her in her hometown sort of in

her degree

field closer to her degree than jacking

off menopause uh yes closer to

closer than giving squeezies to

minotaurs yes

so i can't stop y'all and i

nor showed you like i don't know if i'm

proud of myself or ashamed of myself but

it's happening and you guys are along

for the ride so here we go

so she's like

no i'm not moving home i'm not dating

this weird dude that you want me to date

i'm not i'm not doing it

i have this job i really like it blah

blah blah blah

but then rourke gets her an interview

with a pla with a museum that would be

in line with her degree

she's super excited so she goes it goes

really well she's with a

a like

leopard shifter some kind of like large

cat

situation i don't really remember

um

he's super nice she winds up getting the

job it's really great she moves to

cambrick creek

um loving it she decides she still wants

to work at the milking farm like one or

two days a week

and

uh

rourke fully supports that she is um

she she gets her own apartment in

cambridge creek even though he says that

she can move in with him she's like no i

want my independence for a little while

blah blah blah

and then

yeah so that's where it ends she gets a

job in her career field she's still

working part-time as a milking associate

she's still with rorke

getting that inner species strange and

that's it

that's that's wait that's that's the end

of the that's the book okay so i want us

i just want to be clear

let me summarize what i feel like i

heard you say please do

i'm using my active listening skills as

a therapist here

okay so

um she gets this her master's she can't

find a job in in her field she gets a

job as a milking associate she sees the

back of one minotaur and like loses her

[ __ ] mind yeah and then he requests

her a couple times she thinks he's

married he goes plot twist i'm not

married i'm divorced and she's like okay

i'm into this i was hanging out with my

vampire friend i was not actually on a

date

let's

move forward together they have messy

inter-species sex

and which is very explicitly described

so if that's something you're interested

in

i guess read it

and then

she's like okay so we're a thing now

what does this mean and then he gets her

a job in her field in that town and then

she

stays on prn

as a milking associate yes um

the end

yep

what a journey

wow stupid here's the thing it's not

that much of a journey you know it is it

isn't a journey

one thousand percent agree like i'm like

part of this is i'm like we really

experience that together but then the

other part of me is like but what did we

experience exactly like this is not

full of twists and turns this is like

a cool hop skip and a jump like from a

to b you know

there's not a ton of plot is what i'm

saying

i'd say there's very minimal plot

there's there's not a lot of plot like

but it just like i feel like most of the

book is in the description of jacking

off a minotaur yeah it's just straight

up stroking beef salami like that's it

that's it

that's the [ __ ] book dude

like riding the bologna pony

yes yeah okay yeah

that's what we're doing here

and

you know

sam costa makes no apologies for that

and i appreciate that you know it seems

as though cm really doubled down on this

one and she did like you know you went

for it she went all the way and

apparently there are going to be more in

this series that have not been released

yet

and i'm just gonna be totally honest i

don't know if i am

looking forward to it or not but i can

tell you i will likely read it

simply because it's very akin to a

train wreck i feel like it's like some

anxious anticipation

maybe not even anxious no begrudging

anticipation

definitely

yeah okay so did we decide if our

writing system is hugh jackman's or milk

jugs

i'm gonna go it should be hugh jackman's

like that's where we started and that's

where it should end okay so how many

hugh jackman's are we rating this and we

can write it as both

the australian actor who's a gym and we

we all love and we can rate it as the

euphemism for hand jobs

yes it's very interchangeable at this

point

um

much like the milking associates

um except for the good little cows

oh god i forgot about them so i'm gonna

go with like

like 3.5 out of 10 hugh jackman's

like

there is no plot here

it it's just about how massive his bowl

penis is like that's literally the book

that's it

so

3.5 out of 10. if that is

3.5 hugh jackman's as hand jobs i just

want to make sure that we're clear yeah

that would be

if a hand job is 24 ounces

that would be about

84 ounces of minotaur sperm is what

we're rating this book

is 85 ounces of minotaur sperm

do you think it's worth that

84 out of 240

yes

you know i will

perfect yeah 84

ounces of minotaur sperm given to us by

hugh jackman's

out of 240.

listen if hugh jackman is listening i

don't know where you would find minotaur

sperm but if there is anyone on the

planet that is capable of making that

acquisition it is you also we're so

sorry we love you you're you're

like

you're an australian national treasure

you're an american national treasure we

don't deserve you and we do love you and

we apologize except we don't that we are

referred to hand jobs as hugh jackman's

if anything it's a compliment

yeah i feel very

complimentary for the whole thing right

i'm gonna go watch the greatest showman

[Laughter]

yeah so thanks to hugh jackman

um

and though we are we are not endorsed by

hugh jackman it'd be a lot cooler if we

were this is the greatest show you know

and on that note i feel like we should

bow out so thank you and good night have

a good evening

[Music]

well that's it for this week's mud [ __ ]

we hope it was good for you

because it sure was great for us

if you're digging what we're doing it

would mean a lot if you take a minute to

rate and review the show wherever you're

listening right now

maybe tell that sexy someone to lend us

an ear

we love you

we appreciate you

and we'll see you next week

stay spotty

[Music]

you