Smut Club

foreign

[Music]

ladies and gentlemen

Guys and Dolls and everyone in between

gather round

something real nice to sip on and comfy

to slip on

cause it's time for smut Club

here's your hosts Chelsea and Anna

[Music]

hello everybody and welcome to Smart

Club hi y'all I'm Hannah and I'm Chelsea

and this is the podcast where we Day

drink

well discussing trashy romance novels

yeah

we would also assume that I don't know

this episode is in the high 30s you

probably already know that's what we do

here by now but just in case this was

your first time joining the party

welcome welcome it's a safe space here

it's not a judgmental space here if it

was

a lot of the books we read

we wouldn't speak about yeah let's still

read them we just wouldn't talk about it

we're in a safe space and we're a

judgmental space I guess there really

wouldn't be a podcast

yeah yeah yeah

um and

I I mean I have some thoughts on today's

book

um today we are reviewing altered by

fire by

Tate James and [ __ ] I should have

checked this before we started hold

please see um

tunic

possibly hang on everybody we're really

bad at this this is we are thriving I'm

like we're over 30 episodes in and I

didn't even

think to get the author's name or

pronunciation Sam tunic you were right

Sam stutik yeah [ __ ] yeah suck it so

we'll just edit that part out because we

totally got it

here's the thing Hannah I don't know if

you've learned this or noticed this but

we'll be like we'll edit that out at my

house we don't who does our editing is

like

we won't

and so then we just move on with our

lives we do but you know isn't that the

beauty of podcasting yeah just a little

more authentic yeah my husband was

editing a podcast for a while for

someone else not for us

um I was about to be like oh God what

did he say about us no so he was editing

this podcast for someone else and I

think like that is kind of the beauty of

podcasts right like there's a level of

humanity yeah just like being a normal

person and it's like a little less

polished

um and I guess over time like you know

when you have big money sponsors coming

in you you do become more Polished in

some regard but

um the guy my husband had been editing

the podcast for had suddenly brought in

like a producer or something who spent

my husband is editing notes and I [ __ ]

you not it was like

150 things or he's like there was a

slight pause of two seconds could you

take that out

he said um here could you remove that

oh um it sounds like there may have been

a train in the background

my husband's like no one no one can hear

the train

it was like the most like like my

husband was like it's not he's like it's

almost like not fun because when you

listen it's just like taking out the

humanness right of it because you you

listen to a podcast sometimes for the

content but a lot of times it's for like

when you follow a podcast because of the

personality behind it I'd like to think

we're we have listeners for our

personalities shining bright shining and

not for the incredible

literature

award-winning novels we are reviewing

thank you but we do I was watching a

tick tock yesterday that was said

something about like what like once you

start reading smut you don't go back I

was like I hadn't really thought of it

like that before because I feel like

when you're reading like I don't know

like a Christina Lauren level like oh

it's just kind of a cute rom-com like

yeah I feel like I used to read a lot of

those against like

psychological thrillers and then I just

found like

trashy Thriller magical Thrillers yeah

and then I was like well why why would I

Best of Both Worlds yeah yeah like my

husband just read um one of the newer

Riley Sega books and the last my led by

Riley Sager is arguably one of my

favorite books

there's no smut in it at all

it's just like a really fun read which

if you haven't read it you Hannah the

colloquial you of everyone listening

it's just one of my favorite books and I

would recommend it as just like a fun

Thriller mystery right

but when he read the most recent one

he's like he's like man it was so good

and it was like 1am and we have a kid

and I knew I like he's like he's like I

thought there were like 30 minutes left

when I checked there were two hours and

I almost pushed through and read it and

said I went to bed and I'm like man

I'm so glad for you I don't know if I'll

read it even though you're telling me

it's really great book industibly

it's an author I really like given that

I've read several other books by him

yeah

but I'm like there's just not enough

smut yeah

I don't know why but I feel the same way

I feel the same but it does get harder

when you tell people you read a lot like

strangers yep 100 oh my gosh did I ever

tell you so last fall when I was having

all of those like insane Vision issues

and I like

couldn't open my eyes and they were like

super swollen shut and we couldn't

figure out what's going on

I scheduled an appointment at this

optometrist

um

that is the right one right not the

ophthalmologist or I don't know

not the one who does your normal eye

exam like the one who like went to

medical school like whatever that one is

who can prescribe meds

um I was at that one

I think that's the ophthalmologist

ophthalmologist I think you're right

slightly irrelevant to the rest of the

story which is that I'm sitting in the

waiting room for my appointment I'm also

like six and a half months pregnant at

this point like clearly showing I was

wearing my um books are magic shirt from

one of the best bookstores in Brooklyn

and I'm sitting there wearing the shirt

and this older woman sitting across from

me with her husband it's like

oh books are magic do you like reading

have you read anything good recently and

in my head I'm sitting there I'm like

[ __ ] my eyes are swollen shut I'm

clearly pregnant and miserable right now

and because of the way in which my eyes

were like watering I was like causing

like sinus issues as well so I remember

going through all of these tissues yeah

Vance was very particular about what

tissue was used for what I remember yeah

it's a dry bit of a tissue and he's like

stop we're going to make this worse

um bless him well I still have all these

sinus issues where like he'll walk into

my office and there's just like used

tissues on my desk just because I'm like

blowing my nose and I keep going and I

keep working and I'm just so used to

like being stuffy all the time and it'll

come in and just like clear my desk of

all of my tissues and then walk out

well I really did marry the best man and

bless him in this situation at that eye

appointment because he really took one

for the team because this older woman

was just feeling chatty and I'm like

feel the room I clearly look miserable

like this is not the moment I also

wanted to be like yeah I'm reading a

book right now that like Paranormal

romance where she paranormal reverse

hair and where she's getting [ __ ] down

and

Advance what whatever it was he just

like took it and ran with it and just

started talking about like his favorite

books I looked at him and I was like

thank you thank you so much for that

he's like I had to

he's like I could also tell one you run

out of the mood and two no book

recommendations

no I have things in my back pocket that

I've read a couple of years ago when

people are like oh what's the

recommendation I'm like

the last of my light is usually my go-to

recommendation in that situation yeah

or

some Colleen Hoover right not all

Colleen Hoover correct yeah

um

do you remember that time we were in a

work meeting and I recommended Verity

and when I described it the girl who

wanted the book recommendation was like

so I'm not gonna read that Chelsea

that's a step two phone I was like oh

well understood like girl you

intentionally got married on a Tuesday

so you got married on 4 20. I thought we

vibed

and every year I'm like hey girl happy

anniversary she's like how do you

remember it's my anniversary I'm like

it's literally for you I literally got

married on a weekday so you could get

married on 4 20.

I will always remember your anniversary

because I think it's hilarious

whatever okay anyways altered by fire we

know who the authors are I got them

right you sure did so this book is less

than 200 pages of what

so much sex yeah and and just a lot of

like

oh okay so we we went there like

okay all right

oh and this is another one where I'm

like girl if your [ __ ] is dripping that

much see medical attention it is not

that it is not normal for you're in

other regions to be that wet no it is

like a swamp in there she's talking

about dripping like a faucet babe oh

it's always dripping down her thighs no

okay so who is she we should tell you

that

um her name is Natalia Petrova yep and

so we don't know a lot about her but the

book starts and she shows up at this

church called like Our Lady of Sorrows

and she's seeking refuge and she shows

up like looking like a hot mess wearing

like a short red cocktail dress covered

in blood smells like smoke is high off

her ass on whatever drug she'd been

taking and she's like I'm here to become

a nun

like nun me up [ __ ] she's like I'm

here to seek refuge and become a nun but

as she's saying this she's meeting a

priest one of the priests who like walks

out and he's like can I help you but as

she's like telling him she's there to be

coming down she's like he is

attractive the hottest priest I've ever

seen

um and he's like

and I think she she says her full name

and she's just assumed she's like yeah

so her dad is like the head of the mob

as these things tend to go

um but she's like it's safe to tell this

priest my full name because he's a

priest like he won't know who I am but

she's like when she was like yeah my

name is Natalia Petrova or whatever it

is

um it's like she's like sees his eyes

widen in recognition a little bit

um and she's like oh maybe he does now

oops oops he's he's once again very hot

for a priest

like which is just the theme of all of

this and she's like wow maybe I can be a

nun if I can have sexual chemistry with

priests like this so he takes her back

to like the living quarters right for

him and all of the other priests who we

will meet in this River's hair and plot

was none of them are priests I know I

just really ruined

spoilers

the rest of this review won't be the

same because I went ahead and ruined

that one for all of us

um when he when Hawk with an e on the

end right takes her back to the living

quarters there's another hot priest

there cult

um who's like making sex eyes at her

it's like ooh hello there

and she's like this is some weird priest

energy yeah like are you allowed to like

undress me with your eyes right now

is that oh maybe the church has changed

I don't know how many Hill Mary's is

that like

so a hawk tells Colt like hey

um go get her something to wear

um because she's wearing a cocktail

dress that is covered in blood which is

you know not ideal and then another hot

priest is the one who comes back with so

many hot priests right with with a habit

for her

to wear I couldn't remember that word

initially so I was about to say none

clothes so I over enunciated habit I

know what it's called

lest we forget Sister Act 2 back in the

habit

I think I could never I think they're

doing a sister act three

that would change my life for the better

one thousand percent yeah

um because I was reading an article this

was after the Hocus Pocus reboot and

they were like if they're like yeah we

should do that so I don't even know

what the storyline would be I don't know

if Lauren Hill would be returning I

would love that oh wouldn't you though

yes

I'd be beautiful

um

yeah I'm my life would be made like

Sister Act Two is one thousand percent

one of my like Comfort movies when I am

sick that I can watch a thousand times

not the original no justice it's one of

the only sequels that I like better than

the original

yeah

I'll stand by that mm-hmm

it is

so there's that one The Italian Job in

Miss Congeniality are probably like

ultimate Comfort Congeniality oh that

hasn't aged well but it is still very

comforting

it's still funny if you like look at it

as far as like the time in which it came

out yeah

but yeah that whole like remember that

scene at the beginning where they're

like oh this is the uh agent we want to

use and they're putting all of the

clothes on like on the computer system

yeah

um I'm like yeah you a lot of those

jokes don't

they don't land no um

but it is still a comforting movie one

it's funny because you know I'm obsessed

with Golden Girls I do and we were just

on a trip and Golden Girls was on in the

background

and I'd say like 90 of the jokes still

completely land

but there was like definitely a joke

about being gay that I was like oh this

one didn't age as well and I'm like

this this episode did air 30 years ago

and we've we've come a long way as a

society absolutely have yeah yeah

there is a large fly in this room he's

just living his best I've been trying to

ignore him I've been trying to ignore

him as well and then he came all the way

over and I was not eventually prepared

for it okay so anyways

um the the third hot priest mace comes

in with a habit for her

so we have Hawk Colt mace yes

um and he's like cursing up a storm and

he's like so [ __ ] late and what what

the [ __ ] is even happening and then he

like sees her and he's like

sorry hello my child yes he's like he's

like swearing is a sin I struggle with

the most

[Laughter]

really care you are also super hot

let's get back to what matters you are

also attractive the sexual chemistry the

sexual aura that all of these fake

priests are emanating

sorry I know I ruined that yeah not not

fake they're real totally real

so

she goes to the bathroom to change and

is like still high as [ __ ]

um apparently she'd been

she took a lot it's okay yeah I was

gonna say it was cocaine right yeah she

loves Coke

um and what doesn't

I've never tried it I'm honestly afraid

if I tried it I'd like it too much

I always just think about I think it's

like the second or third episode of

Bob's Burgers when he drives a cab

overnight and he's like exhausted the

next day and he's talking to Linda and

he's like kind of incoherent and he's

like I think I tried cocaine last night

and she's like what we were supposed to

do that together and he's like no no no

no I did not do crack last night but if

I did I liked it a lot

I didn't but if I did

I see why it's popular yeah yeah yeah

one thousand percent one I think I've

told you this before and I've made have

even said it on the podcast before

um Vance's best friend straight up told

him he's like Vance never try Coke

because of someone who has tried Coke

you will love it too much

and so that's a good difference yeah

it's just better to not go there because

your life will not be set up for Success

if you try Coke

what a good friend right yeah

not because you won't like it or not

because like he's like you will love it

don't do it to yourself yeah for the

sake of

a sustainable the sustainable future you

want for yourself maybe not

okay so when Natalia goes in the

bathroom to change she's really um

ruminating on the events that led her

there that night we find out that

um

she had been like [ __ ] this guy whose

name was kiston which still really

bothers me

it couldn't have been Christian like

Tristan Kristen even like Preston

kiston like a hard case

Kristen without the r in it is like the

spelling of this right

maybe it's a Russian name

she's Russian

it's not a Russian name I've ever heard

although I am not Russian

so you know whatever I'm I the name is

not really relevant what is relevant is

that it was like

I don't know he was like another mob

family or something right she like

didn't really care about him that much

but while they were [ __ ] yep and his

dick was inside her correct his father

her father shot him in the head right

or the stomach it doesn't matter it

wasn't good no I mean his the blood on

her is definitely his from parts of him

exploding while inside her right not the

parts you want to explode inside

um

and then her dad like lit the room on

fire

man

that's dramatic

I mean

yeah like like I've seen a dramatic dad

and more than one instance but never has

my own dad lit a room on fire or shot

anybody in my presence well and also

because like her dad is clearly

searching for her throughout the book

and like looking for her because she ran

away so like really feels like you were

playing it fast and loose with her

safety right because he just left her

there so it's like why what yeah also

your arm is about to hit your mic when

you're talking with your hands do I have

to sit on them again you don't have to

sit on them

it's not like when you're describing

tentacle sex and trying to use your

hands also I need everyone to know

that you have to listen to them my soul

to keep episode for this to make sense

um but we were talking about the number

of dicks that you could that one woman

in a reverse Harem situation could serve

us at once and I said six if you were

using both your feet and then we were

really processing that after we recorded

and

sorry

not that I had six dicks

but I was like I was like okay

logistically how do we work this out

um and I take it back I do think the

final answer is five yeah the logistics

don't track and we know we always come

back to Logistics

because half the logistics in these

[ __ ] books don't make sense they

don't I'm like it's not even sexy it's

physically impossible and it hurts to

think about like if it is physically

impossible it's causing me pain to even

think about how that would happen

quite frankly it's too many dicks yeah

okay

um and we do have more dicks to meet in

this reverse Harem situation because

there are five total so

um which is the max which is the max yes

so Natalia goes into the bathroom is

reliving these memories that she's

changing into the Habit starts having a

breakdown mace comes into the bathroom

and she like passes out sobbing in his

arms and she's like oh

this is what it's like to be held he's

just like a big cuddly yeah it's so nice

right and she's like oh

maybe he cares for me I'm like girl

you're still high aim higher I mean not

with the color with your stand we went

different directions

so she wakes up it not in the habit she

wakes up in a Metallica shirt and she's

like huh priests like Metallica

mace comes in and is like Hey we're like

making breakfast come on down eat you

definitely need some food in you so when

she goes down

stairs there's arson is the next hot

priest we're meeting and he's the chef

hot priest he's also of course his name

is arson he's the one who's like the

least mentally stable yep a la Diesel

from den of vipers yes yeah same energy

very much the same chaotic energy

um and I think he's like wearing

sweatpants and no shirt and it's like

heavily tattooed making making breakfast

um and he's like she's like he's both

making eyes like he wants to [ __ ] me and

like he wants to kill me which is

his energy yeah the whole time right

yeah

um

so she's like I'm gonna go to the

bathroom

um

just hitting your mic with that pillow

just doing whatever I can to make things

worse

you know these things happen I'm gonna

have a sip of alcohol

wow we adjust for if that can't today's

not sponsored by Buddha box today is

sponsored by

the fruit juice industry and whatever

liquor I had on hand correct

sweet I think I told you we started

doing game brunch oh

because having a small kid and we have

some friends who also have a baby who's

like a week older than Ford and we're

like it's really hard to like have like

a game night so we're like why don't we

do game brunch so we like

drink mimosas and play Settlers of Catan

super early in the morning and it's

great that's awesome

I was moving it closer to me because I

leaned back further

I'm just trying to make Vance's job as

difficult as possible

he's married to me I think

take it easy on the guy I love him so

much I know he's the best not as much as

Craig

no I love important

also you need to listen to the the my

soul to keep episode for the context of

my obsession with my cat okay so we meet

our son arson follows Natalia into the

bathroom

um

and it's like

do you want to [ __ ] and he's but he's

also like I might kill you it's just

this very it's very weird but like he

like locks the bathroom door and then

suddenly like Hawk and then I think we

hear the name Weston who is the the

fifth one of the group they're like

banging on the door because they're like

arson is unhinged we don't actually know

what he'll do to Natalia right in the

bathroom in the situation but like

arson's like take off your shirt and she

just starts like taking she's like okay

may as well [ __ ] I'm a girl

what

stop it stop it I want more for you than

you want for yourself it's just

high-risk Behavior honey like if you

want to [ __ ] babe go for it but just be

safe like make safe safer choices but

she also I find it interesting because

she has the Insight throughout this book

that she's not making safe choices right

she's just doing it anyway yes one

thousand percent yeah

um

so

oh no arson even says he's like let's

have some fun before I kill you

and so we like we don't know yet why

arson wants to kill her we just know

he's like yeah

I'm gonna kill you like well [ __ ] and

I'll kill you and that's kind of what

our trajectory is going to be and I'm

just setting realistic expectations

um

so Hawk is pounding down the door

they finally like break open the door

and

Hawk like goes off on arson and Natalya

goes out to The Breakfast Table and they

like put some pancakes in front of her

but she hears all of the shouting and

she's like well

it's clear you're fake priest right this

is not a real clergy situation

if you will

um but then when they all come out and

she's talking to all of them we learned

that like they are all undercover to

take down her dad they've been higher to

take down her dad we don't know like

what organization I work for or anything

like that but they do offer her a job

to join them in helping take down her

dad

so then we switch to Hawk's perspective

because Natalia's like yeah I'll join

this party I hate my dad too

she's like listen I have made a lot of

questionable choices in the last 24

hours may as well double down what else

am I gonna do quite frankly probably

before the last 24 hours as well I don't

think her her life took a hard turn in

the last 24 hours the only difference

was her dad shooting her lover well he

was inside of her which they keep

refining I know so many times the book

so many times well but it's also like

it it had the energy to me and I read it

a while ago so I might be misremembering

but it had the energy to me where she

was like I don't have anywhere else to

go or anything else to do sure like I'm

not a fan of my dad and I don't have

anywhere to stay so if I can stay here

and you'll continue to give me pancakes

and occasionally [ __ ] me why not

one thousand percent yeah very low

barrier to entry

joke works on so many levels a little

proud of it oh that was really

really good so when we switched to

Hawk's perspective all of the guys are

in the Armory discussing what they're

like what the plan is with Natalia but

we also learned that like hot well he's

the leader of this group of non-priest

he didn't actually have the authority to

offer her a job so they're like

enlisting her help and she thinks that

she's being offered this job when really

they're just using her at this point

um and then they decide that they're

like okay well we have to earn a trust

and the best way to earn a women's

stress is to make her like fall in love

with us

so

that's what we're all gonna do let's

let's make a bet for who the first one

like which of us can get her to like

disclose her family secrets first

um by like

gaining her trust and entrance into her

vagina which it's not hard to get into

other holes I mean I don't think they're

picky

I don't know if there's

a prayer candle up her ass later yeah

but I don't think there's a dick up her

ass until the second book

she has standards

oh

okay

just because they're not your standards

no I was just thinking about the girth

of a prayer candle that's all that was

sorry apologies

no I'm not judging I'm not judging no I

was just really thinking about the girth

of prayer candles yeah

I don't know where I thought that

sentence was going but girth and prayer

candles being used in the same sentence

was not well karaoke yeah well so all

right in this bet they all decided that

the first person everyone else has to

pay them 500k each

so I'm like that's a hefty sum which

okay the first time so when I initially

read it I just thought it was like 500k

total which is still not a small amount

of money right right and then

in the second book

they up the BET and then one of the guys

like tells her about the BET and tries

to like be like if you let me win I'll

split the money with you she's like how

much and he's like because they doubled

the bet in the second book it was two

million each and I was like

that math doesn't work out if it was

five I was like I'm not great at math

everyone knows this

um

but I'm like 500 000 double doesn't

equal 2 million each and I was like oh

it was five hundred thousand per user

hmm

so that is a hefty amount of money

um back to Natalia

this bed is in place she's sitting in oh

she like went up to like interrupt them

in the Armory because she doesn't know

how to make [ __ ] coffee because she's

too much of a princess to have ever had

to make coffee for herself in her life

so the guys come to help her with coffee

and she's sitting um like with Colton

Weston and then Colt kind of like makes

bedroomize at her and is like I'm going

to my room she's like I'm gonna go to my

Realm

and then just like goes up the stairs to

follow him but doesn't actually know

where his room is so she's just opening

random doors hoping for some dick

he finally helps her out and like pops

his head out of the max room and he's

like it's in here

like

bless her sweet little heart is it a

sweet little heart I'm trying to be kind

that's fair so she follows him

they're getting handsy they're starting

I think he's like tip deep like yeah and

then Hawk shows up and is like Colt I

need you to go do whatever that's an

order like

kicks Cole out of his own room while he

was already

tip deep in Natalya

and

then Hawk [ __ ] her instead yep and is

like Weston is about to lead I don't

know maybe it was less than maybe it was

nice I don't remember like whoever it

was is about to lead Sunday mass and I

want them to all hear you scream I was

like you are not doing a good job of

keeping your cover yeah it's not under

cover

if all of the church congregation can

hear her screaming through her orgasm

right

like because I'm like you know it's not

just gonna be the the fake priest

leading the service

right they're gonna be true parishioners

in the pews yes yep also

okay

just thinking through the logistics of

being undercover and maybe all of these

undercover mercenary Bros are like very

good public speakers

I I went to Seminary and it would still

take me a while to like put together a

sermon or a servant like you know like

I'm like yeah well Mass depending on how

like intense

intensely

each Parish follows things mass is the

same

like it's the like there's a short part

that might be different but for the most

part I think that's the part I was

thinking of but even that like the you

have some prep though and you'd have to

memorize the whole Mass you'd have to

memorize the mass I'm like even if you

have like

a 15 to 20 minute lesson and like that's

the variable part you still have to prep

that lesson yes I'm like

I don't think these mercenaries are just

going up there like free balling it I

love that that's what you got stuck on

is what about the sermon what was the

content of the mass

I'm just saying at no point do they

discuss any prep for the the service

because they're like there are Parts in

this book well though where they'll put

like a sign on the door that's like

close for construction like during the

week so people don't come in but I'm

also like

okay but that's not

there are still people there on Sunday

mornings right what are do you really

think you're fooling all of them right

with the sex screams

no I just these are my questions Okay so

I don't she [ __ ] Hawk very loudly

um next scene mace has bought her some

normal clothes that she has things to

wear outside of

a habit or a habit or a Metallica

t-shirt or a blessing yes

um and then he's like I'm gonna take you

to get some food and then like we're

gonna go to the well I don't think he

tells her that they're going to the gun

range but they go to the gun range so

they eat

um and when they get there he's like

showing her like okay so like this is a

gun

this is a safety on a gun like very and

she's like oh I've never been around a

gun before and then when he gives it to

her she like full size every time yes

through the same hole Yeah like and he's

like so you were clearly lying to me a

little bit and she's like that'd be fun

and she's like my my father is the head

of the Russian mob

I do know how to shoot she's like right

I'm not good for much else but I do know

how to use a gun

um

and then she like tries to proposition

him again because she's like I can tell

that he's like

aroused and impressed with my gun skills

sure all of these men are apparently

walking around with a very prominent

boners that she just can see all the

time

okay

I have a lot of questions about go for

it like what kind of pants are you

wearing like I could see if you're

wearing like athletic shorts or

sweatpants that yeah but if you're

wearing jeans that fit appropriately

it's not like they're gonna military

like cargo

okay okay but Hannah You Can't Hide

boners when your dicks are that large

is the general

ugh but it's like every time she sees

one of them has a boner she's like well

better take care of that and I'm like

girls allow me yes yeah and so she

propositions mace and is like wanna hop

in the back of the Hummer there's room

to get a Hummer

Ayo hey

um and bless mace's heart he's like

anyone with eyes can see that you cope

through sex and drugs

no thank you like oh he's like let's

let's work on your shooting skills and

like let's not like I I want to have a d

like you can tell it's actually because

he like wants to have a deeper ship

a deeper ship

a deeper ship with her yeah a deeper

relationship he doesn't want to be tip

deep no no one's better than that just

the tip that colt got you know yeah um

so they end up deciding they're gonna

like work on their on her sniper skills

because she's like yeah she's like

notably she's like I'm not as good with

long range I haven't spent as much time

doing that and but I'm I'm great with a

handgun

so they're setting up to like do their

sniper practice and he's like best date

ever and she's like

this is a date and he's like

isn't a date when two people who are

sexually attracted to each other eat and

do an activity

like sounds like a date to me he was

like by that standard

is yeah like ABS this is a date she's

like oh

and I'm like baby girl have you never

been

that's what I thought too like have you

never been on a date babe like like a

real date with a guy who wasn't just

trying to bang you because that's sad

perhaps not I mean

she's lucky she didn't get forced into a

marriage I feel like that's where most

of the Russian mob children end up yep

you know so all right after the date

she's now back at the church

talking to Westin

and he's like so which of these dudes

had you screaming during mass because he

definitely heard it

um and then he's like was it Hawk and

she's like he's like I'm gonna go punch

hawk in the face

so

um Weston leaves to potentially punch on

top of the face I'm like he is the

leader of this group I don't think

you're actually going to punch him in

the face but okay so then Colt shows up

and he's like I got a joint and a bottle

of vodka

want to have some fun and she's like oh

thank God it's been so long since I've

had drugs like it's been like 36 hours

yeah well and it's

obviously a very clear difference but

between poor sweet mace who is trying to

be supportive and kind and get to know

her and also

Cole who's like listen let's get [ __ ]

please

like I do have to hide the weed because

Hawk doesn't love when I smoke on a job

but yeah let's go get high

I guess I although I did just say that I

guess it's just like mace chose to play

the long game to win this bet was like

I'll earn her trust more if I get to

know her and take it slow than if we

just [ __ ]

and colds like if I get her high enough

I bet she'll tell me whatever

yeah they are all definitely coming with

their own tactics on how this will play

out I think mesa's thing is like he

actually also likes her and is like I

don't just want to win the bet like it's

not necessarily like just playing the

long game for her trust but like the

long game because he's like

no I actually think I kind of like her

hmm right it's sweet yeah

um

so they hear voices coming and quotes

like [ __ ] Hawk gets pissed when I smoke

on a job let's go into the church I'm

like

oh you were just like smoking indoors

anyway and the living quarters of the

priest in the church

once again not the point

just worth noting

um so he's giving her like a tour of

everything and

um

says something about like the

confessional and she's like oh like

there's a confessional here and he's

like yeah let me show you it's a

Catholic Church babe

um and we also like she went to like an

all-girls Catholic School like girl this

isn't these are not new Concepts I don't

think she ever went to Mass

or if she did she was already high

well all right I spent one year I spent

my freshman year of high school at a

Christian School

and we had like

we had Chapel yeah all the time Chapel

we had it ours was once a week ours was

Wednesdays but we had Bible class every

day yes yeah we had that as well

although the Bible my Bible teacher was

engaged to my English teacher and they

were planning their wedding

and they seemed very focused on that we

spent like most of the year in Bible

class

going through a workbook

I'm like this isn't even a textbook this

feels like

some like Beth Moore level book that we

all got from the family Christian

bookstore that you're calling

our Bible class curriculum yeah no we

just had to memorize Bible verses and

then stand in front of the class and say

them or we had to like

the performance part of the classes we

had to look up Bible verses we had to

know how to look them up and stuff I do

remember one of the workbooks or like we

had to get to a certain point in the

workbook

um

I think the certain point was Christ's

death on the cross now like when I look

back on it because

I say all this because

no we really

to get to a certain point in the

workbook so we can justify

um taking the freshman class it was when

the Chronicles of Narnia The Lion the

Witch and the Wardrobe dropped in

theaters

yes

not the book the movie adaptation and

that was like a field trip we took but

we had to like get to the certain point

so that you could be like no this is why

it's biblical for us

yeah

I I did one year of Catholic preschool

oh yeah I wasn't sure if there's when

you said pre-school I wasn't sure if

there was going to be an st that I was

waiting for Catholic priest

it's cool

I was like oh plot twist I didn't know

no

they probably wouldn't even let me

into a Catholic church anymore as we

know I did almost get kicked out of

Seminary so yes you're in good company

thank you I'm glad to be here but in um

when I was in

preschool I thought when they were

saying the Hail Mary they were saying

Hail Mary full of grapes

instead of Grace

so that's just what I started saying and

then it made my mom really mad so I just

continued to do it because I thought it

was so funny so even now like to this

day I don't think I could say a full

Hail Mary I think I've got the beginning

in the end but I'm missing the middle

but

um it will always be Hail Mary full of

grapes

I was like she ate a lot of grapes do

you remember when

um veggie shells had that whole Grapes

of Wrath yes

and I think we've talked about this

before as well but I was watching an

interview where the creator of

VeggieTales was like yeah we only did

the Old Testament because my mother

wouldn't let me make Jesus a vegetable

that's a vegetable yeah because we have

a conversation of what veggie would

Jesus be

hmm

I don't know

there's a a lot of there are a lot of

options I'm running through them now I

know and I feel slightly sacrilegious

when I think about

assigning a vegetable so we're going to

take a time out Chelsea because think

about the book that you're reviewing and

then tell me again that it's thinking

about Jesus as a vegetable that makes

you feel sacrilegious

prayer candle in the ass like I said

what I said okay back into the book

um

she's getting a tour of the confessional

and she's like ooh a confessional a

confessional she gives them a [ __ ] in

the confessional and she keeps thinking

she's like

there's like an echo when he with his

like heavy breathing as he's getting

blown in the confessional

um and then he's like oh like after he

comes she's like or he's like wow like

she really is into like the submissive

and like life and he's like I'm Gonna

Leave You frustrated like you left me

frustrated all day wanna I'm like a hawk

was the one who kicked you out bro but

okay right she didn't do it yeah but as

she's like getting up and about to leave

the confessional she looks over on the

other side and arson has been sitting

there watching this entire thing

which she's super into she's like ooh

that made my already wet panties or lack

thereof wetter

she needs to seek [ __ ] medical

attention she's just dripping all the

time yeah

is it like her own arousal come whatever

it is there's always something dripping

out of her vagina yeah ew yeah

so

she gets it back up to her room and is

still very heavily under the substances

of both the weed and all of the Vodka

that they drank

um and when

when she opens her door maces in her

room and she's like oh

I'm still very new here I'm so sorry I

thought this was my room he's like no it

is and he just wanted like

kiss her good night

and then he like leaves and then like

well I still have a dick breath from

your buddy but

yeah there's a lot of that

dick breath

that's not what I said

well there's a lot of like

she's just jumping from one dick like

she like leaves this room with this dick

goes into this room with this dick and

is experiencing all of them as she goes

well and I mean that's cool babe as long

as everybody is consenting and

everything but as a person who is a

woman I feel like there would come a

point when I would be like we were

talking about earlier like don't touch

me like

like I leave me alone

like just for a minute you know what I

mean like I would not I would get

agitated

if people were in myself

hell I'm married to one man correct and

I have one baby

also correct and I have two pets that

are very cuddly

and I sometimes feel touched out

just from that yep let alone

five as they would red-blooded males you

know what I mean like okay so then Hawk

comes in the room right and then he's

like oh you're very intoxicated like

we'll start your training tomorrow

and she's like okay

like whatever yeah

so she passes out and then when she

wakes up arson is sitting in the rafters

of her room right crouched like a little

gargoyle

yeah yeah

in the second book he's always like

they're like staying in this like

rickety old hotel that's like over 100

years old and he keeps showing up in all

of the rooms because he's coming in

through the windows

I don't know arson is a whole thing

right so arson is sitting in the rafters

of her room and she's like holy [ __ ] do

I need water she's like I had too many

substances I am very parched and I need

some water right now so she heads down

to the kitchen and he's like hot on her

heels and following her down there

um

and then they [ __ ] in the kitchen he

like essentially throws her against the

table but like as it's happening she's

like she recognizes she's like we didn't

have any conversation about protection

we're just like [ __ ] raw dogging it

like

I should be maybe upset that we're raw

dogging it but I'm not upset that we're

raw dogging it and but it's like this

very

I don't know I would maybe say like

dispassionate or like emotionally

disconnected but like right right it's

just the physical act it seems more like

she's just letting it happen and she's

like I'm a warm hole is right not a

wormhole no the temperature is warm

important vowel distinction

warm not warm

um no this isn't a paranormal one

um

although I'm sure it's been written I

have no doubt we I mean we did just

recently review The Haunted vagina so we

know about vaginal warmth

um

vaginal whirlpools no

I'm fine I'm fine everything is fine

holy [ __ ] okay

so like he comes inside her and then

just like pulls up his pants and walks

out of the room

like

as you said there's like really no

connection it's just the physical act

and she's like this is all a bit much

I'm very overwhelmed I've had a lot of

[ __ ] going on in my life remember when

my maybe kind of boyfriend was just shot

while he was inside me

I just need to keep saying it because

they keep saying in the book and so she

takes off like runs out the side door

and just takes off so she runs a few

blocks away and like comes upon a park

and like when she gets to the park she

kind of realizes she's like

I have no money I have no

nothing to my name I don't have a cell

phone I'm I have no one who wants me

I have nowhere to go and it's just like

having a breakdown in the park

I think at this point she's wearing the

Habit again or maybe no she's not I

think she when she went into the kitchen

there was a robe on the table like that

one of the guys that just left out and

so she's just like wearing a robe that

does not belong to her at a park having

a breakdown

um it's not a good look no

talk about being easy prey yeah yeah so

she does look over and realize or she

like hears something Weston is at the

park as well and like he might just like

go there to like think sometimes or

whatever but like they have a good talk

and he Comforts her and he's like hey

let's get some food and she was like I

really want toast or like whatever it is

and he's like I don't think we have any

supplies let's go to the grocery store

get the stuff we'll go back to the

church make you toast we'll move forward

right

so they head to the grocery store to get

the supplies and then in the parking lot

they get jumped by Natalia's father's

men right

um and it's like a lot of men are coming

up and attacking them and so you're like

oh clearly her father has not forgotten

that she is missing right

um he hasn't written her off he's still

looking for her exactly so like Weston

goes down

um Nat gets a gun from like that has

fallen in the fight at some point kills

one of the men as

another guy is coming up to attack her

arson suddenly flies in and like tackles

him

um

and Natalia realizes the guy that that

arson tackled is like her dad's top

guy Dimitri of course his name is

[ __ ] Dimitri and wasn't he like after

her for other reasons Dimitri

didn't that come out later never mind

I thought he was into her and like her

dad had like

I think all of her father's men okay

would [ __ ] her if they had the chance

well I know the way she talks about

Dimitri at one point she's like she's so

on or he's so unhinged like he

found out his wife was watching gay porn

or something and like shot her in the

middle of a dinner party yeah um but I

don't explicitly like remember anything

about like

Dimitri was like in love with her or

yeah you've read it more recently than I

have so

yeah but I wouldn't say I was going for

all the details so there's a good chance

Fair Point like when I okay so not quite

the same but I think I've told you this

before when I was reading Harry Potter

getting into the final books just like

so much is happening and you're so

excited and you're reading too quickly I

completely missed that one of the twins

died

sorry

Chelsea you've never told me that

I would remember that and so I was

talking to my sister and she's like I

cried whichever twin it was died I was

like what he died and she's like

did you even read the book and I was

like yeah I just got a little while

you're just lying to me I'm sorry I got

a little over excited and I may have

missed that one paragraph

it's a pretty [ __ ] important

paragraph to be

Fair there were a lot of important

paragraphs those books are not short

that's correct yes

um

so but not only is arson there all of

the guys are there and like helping

fight although it's pretty much resolved

at that point and then like starting to

clean up

um

and Weston has been shot

and so Cole is like hey Weston like I

need you to get up we need to take you

to Porsche and like then he like visibly

pales when he says the name Porsha and

Natalia's like what's up with that who's

Portia and I want to know these things I

mean he's like I didn't mean to say that

then like they all head back to the

church

so we switched to arson not that this

really matters at all but

we switched to arson he Hawk has put him

on some sort of like surveillance due to

the arson thing says [ __ ]

um and he is thinking about Natalya

and is masturbating while he drives like

one hand on the steering wheel one hand

on his dick but he's also in Weston's

car

and then he like comes all over Weston's

steering wheel

today and he's like kind of like serves

him right for getting shot anyway on to

my surveillance Duty haha and you're

like what oh the reason why it matters

is because when we switch to arson's

point of view we learn who Porsche was

to all of them right so Porsche was a

former Marine and a psych nurse yep she

was there like medic she's well she just

kind of like became their doctor on

their team and but yeah I was like

former Marine psych nurse

was [ __ ] all of them they all were

like Hawk and arson seemingly were like

the most in love with her but all of

them were kind of in a relationship with

her they all cared yeah yeah

um and she was the one who was like

their medical go-to person we also find

out that Porsha was killed by Natalia's

father

which is why one of the reasons why all

of these men are very upset with right

like but almost like yeah but someone

else also hired you right to take him

out so this isn't just like a personal

Vendetta whatever

um but yeah all of the guys were like

kind of in love with portraits at some

level

I'm laughing already

sure we're back at the church

um Weston

is injured correct yeah mace and coal

are kind of in there tending to him and

Natalia's like bringing in some supplies

and they're like you any good with a

needle and thread she's like

actually yeah like

I did grow up with my father wanted me

to learn some skills so I can

need a point with the best of them

they're like cool well then you can sew

up the wound and she's like oh no that

that's not a transferable skill and

they're like it is different than fabric

but still someone who has experience

with the needle and thread is better

than a fellow mercenary who's just like

who gives a [ __ ] if you scar yeah yeah

duct tape it right so

goddamn

okay the logistics of this

she agrees to stitch him back up

um I think they already got the bullet

out

or was he grazed I don't remember anyway

um

but she's like I can't get the right

angle on it so she has to straddle

Weston while she when she goes to stitch

him back up but then she's like and I

could feel my bare [ __ ] on his abs and

I'm like why is your [ __ ] there babe

underwear

it's a thing I mean you don't have to

but if you're gonna straddle somebody

during what I'm guessing would be a

precarious moment you've got a needle

in their arm repeatedly you maybe would

want to not be distracted in any way

that's not the energy any of them take

here I know because Western also feels

the bear [ __ ] and tells Cole and mace

to get the [ __ ] out of the room

and then

he impales

Natalia said [ __ ] yeah

said [ __ ] he and pale said [ __ ] and

then while he's inside of her

she starts stitching him back up

so there are certain things that I think

maybe

in a perfect world just shouldn't be

happening while there is a dick inside

of you one is the owner of the dick

getting shot that's one shouldn't happen

too shy doing any kind of medical

procedure really or stitches probably

shouldn't happen

um you know den of vipers getting

tattooed with a dick inside you I forgot

about that I just thought of that of

like what other activities should you

not do like tattoo you probably

shouldn't get a tattoo with a dick

inside of you I mean like they're an MRI

what

this whole thing on Reddit about

um this guy sued the maker of a butt

plug because they said it was 100

silicone so he wore it to an MRI and

turns out there was a metal core in it

and he almost died but my whole thing

because of course I fell down the rabbit

hole and I learned all about it the guy

was eventually okay but to me I'm

thinking bro why would you wear why

would you wear a butt plug to an MRI

even if you think it's 100 silicone like

that's that's a thing where you

shouldn't have anything inside you that

doesn't belong there

I don't know if I've ever been prepping

for a medical procedure

and been like

I can't forget my sex toys right no

never I have never I've had a lot of

medical procedures in my life never once

have I thought are we doing it wrong

I don't know

if I am I Don't Want to Be Right

I want to continue to be wrong

yeah

so Weston is inside of her as she's

stitching him up but she also he agreed

um

because she asked like who Portia was

and he's like I'll tell you if you earn

it and she's like okay but

so they're they're [ __ ] wow she

stitches him up and then Colt comes back

in and is like y'all sounded too good to

stay away

you are not invited my guy at this point

I think she's done with the needle and

then there's just some good

old-fashioned double penetration sure

which also happened far too easily

well I was gonna say did we have any

Loop was there I think there was Lou

okay okay but even at that

it didn't he stretch her appropriately

was there appropriate I don't think

there was stretching

but I also think like she's I don't know

this whole book she's like I'm one of

those lucky girls who can orgasm from

penetration that's never been a problem

for me like it's just like

yeah

how like just like

the whole energy is she can just

she's a sexual phenomenon

I mean take it like a champ

I'm just thinking about

she just she just showed up down a clown

and they all just got on board they all

were just like except mace apparently

they were all just like sounds good babe

yeah let's do that right they're like

yeah what else were we gonna do keeping

fake celibate priests yeah because we're

not into that apparently no

we are

and like and I but I will also say I

feel like I've read some other books

that are like the sex is more

sacrilegious that makes sense there is a

scene that we will get to that is like

you're like oh damn

um like oh okay but

like I forget what book it was there was

one where like the the priest had like

the prayer beads wrapped around his dick

hmm

and then like why though because that

doesn't sound like it it's not like a

[ __ ] ring why are you doing that for the

texture I don't oh okay I think it was

for the texture

you're like what for the texture and I'm

like actually yeah I think that was like

oh no okay maybe he liked the tight hold

of the I don't

I don't I just remember being like this

is

bringing prayer beads as a toy yeah um

feels like a slightly different

situation to me yeah like also because

that guy was like an actual priest that

does make it different and this is like

a bunch of just who are like listen

we're on a job I'll wear this robe if I

have to I'll wear a collar yeah but like

it almost feels

well there are some sacrilegious

elements for sure like it just seems

like some dudes that are staying in a

church and

[ __ ] there's a wormhole available to

them versus like they're all actual

pastors right yeah because I feel like

that one with the prayer beads like he's

like

they're like taking communion and he's

like put there was a whole lot of like I

was like oh this one actually makes me

feel

uncomfy yeah

and this and then altered by fire I'm

like

you're just it just is

[ __ ] in a church yeah yeah for them

but less like

reciting the Lord's Prayer while you're

coming kind of energy you know what I

mean yeah well even saying that just

made me feel a little weird

I did have a moment right I see it on

your face

so the next morning she wakes up and

well it had been very sweet that mace

bought her all of those clothes he had

no idea what size she was and none of

them really fit her

um but when she wakes up I think Hawk

had gotten her some like actual clothes

that she could like train and train in

and so he tells her to prep for training

it's funny because she they're like okay

you need breakfast like you need to eat

you need to keep your strength up and

arson is like the cook of the crew so he

puts the food down in front of her and

then like kisses her forehead and like

in this very sweet moment but then kind

of like realizes what he did and like

looks confused at himself he's like wait

what and then it's like like everyone's

like did he just kiss her forehead and

arson's like did I just kiss her

forehead and then just like hold on hold

on

so they've just put a note on the door

to the church that's like closed for

renovation and then all of the training

is in the sanctuary

where

um Hawk is just like laid out a bunch of

mats and they are just like starting

physical hand-to-hand combat training

um

but she's also like is all this

necessary like I know how to shoot

that's enough to keep me alive for a few

days until all this is over right and

Hawk is like what do you mean

for a few days

and she's like well my dad isn't going

to stop sending people for me and I'll

kill myself before I go back there and

like y'all's job is almost done so like

I kind of know my place and I know my

role here and like yeah I'm comfortable

with that yeah and I know that I'm not

that important yeah and she's like I

don't really want to kill myself but

like I'd rather kill myself than right

be back under my dad's control because

that's not going to end well for anyone

um which like Hawk doesn't really engage

with but is like okay so they have like

a pretty good training session

she's learning slowly whatever and then

he's like all right you need to stretch

or you'll be miserable tomorrow

so then he puts her on the the altar he

sure does

um to stretch her out everywhere he's

going to stretch her out

everywhere because also because lest we

forget we still need to determine the

girth of a prayer candle

there are also ropes that he's like

attached for the sake of stretching I

was trying to figure out where the ropes

came from like I don't remember where

they came from but I remember him tying

her down but I don't remember she had

them set up when he was setting up the

training area seemingly

for stretching

sure yeah

um

so he ties her to the Altar and all of

her clothes are off at this point

and then she's like put your robes back

on so apparently she's into the hole

like naughty Church fantasy and she's

like put your robes on and [ __ ] me and

he's like

well you're already tied naked to the

prayer altar

why not why not put my robes back on

so

we then realized that arson has been

like in the upper balcony in the pews

watching the training so he comes down

um and

starts Hawk is [ __ ] her arson comes

up

puts his dick in her mouth where since

she can't really move and then she feels

something at her ass and it is indeed

the the prayer candle and she is so into

this

like

Hawk arson and a prayer candle all you

need apparently I just like I struggle I

struggle with the prayer candle thing

because if it's the ones that I'm

thinking of they are they have some

width about them

and it concerns me if it's like one of

the tapered ones

like the long thin ones yeah yeah

but

I don't think that's a prayer candle

prayer candles are

girthier Hefty

I have concerns for her

So Physical safety okay but here's

that's not even the worst of it Hannah I

know so

she has a rip roaring good time

hopefully not a rip oh sorry I'm so

sorry I'm so sorry I think that was Lube

yeah if not she drips enough that Jesus

went Jesus

are those Jesus's tears

oh my god oh no oh no oh wow

[Music]

thank you

um they hear a thunk right as they're

all orgasming

and um

they turn to find

um a a nun has passed out sister Francis

yep passed out hit her head yeah

I know I think she had a heart attack oh

okay yeah

um but they heard her Bible hit the

ground they don't actually know how long

she was in there but was she she died

from the shock of seeing two priests

[ __ ] a fully naked girl on the altar

with a prayer candle where she's

strapped at her ass yeah yeah

oops like Hawk is trying to do like

chest compressions

but Natalie's like you're in Italian

he's like I can't do anything I'm still

tied to the altar

was the prayer candle still in her ass

help a girl out y'all she's like I'm so

sorry about sister Francis but also I

literally can't move or do anything here

ridiculous so

yeah sister Francis she real dead

um rest in peace we switched to Colt's

perspective and Cole and Hawk and mace

are all laughing on the ride to sister

francis's house they have her body

buckled into the seat next to them

because they're like we're gonna stage

her body so it'll look as though she had

the heart attack at home at home right

um

but while they're all talking and just

talking about how good of a lay Natalia

is and all this stuff like

they're like oh mace still hasn't [ __ ]

her yet they're like what like wait what

like I thought we were all like

taking turns essentially and I was like

I don't know like and they're like oh

[ __ ] this man has real feelings for her

bless him he's just trying his best

um but then Hawk is like

I order you to [ __ ] her

ew yeah like you're part of this team

like I don't know it's a weird yeah yeah

thing right

um

and but Hawk is also like remember why

we're all doing this we need her to fall

in love with us not the other way around

and so I think honestly the order to

[ __ ] her is more of like a

I don't want you getting more

emotionally involved like just remember

what this is and what it's not right

right

so back to the church again now and

um

Wes Weston they call him West is like

failing at making coffee because it

really only has one arm and like

because you know he got injured and then

she stitched him up while he was

impaling her

um

and Natalia's like hey stop I'll make

you coffee like go lay down and then she

realizes she still doesn't know how to

make coffee so she makes some hot

chocolate instead but then put some like

sleeping pills in there because she's

like he's in pain and he needs to rest

and he won't rest like it's not like a

malicious Urban vindictive thing

um

and so she puts the sleeping pills in

his

hot chocolate and then is like laying

there and kind of cuddling with them and

it's just kind of like a sweet

subtle moment between them

and then when she is like okay he's

passed out he's finally resting good he

really needed it and she when she walks

out arson is there and is like

like

arson just knows all he's like always

watching always waiting right right and

so he

he um

like brings up like the sleeping pills

and she's like I don't really know what

you're talking about

and then I don't really remember how it

happens he's just like an aggressive and

impulsive person next thing you know

she's pushed against the door he has a

knife to her neck and is like I could

kill you right now and then he [ __ ] her

against the door to Weston's bedroom

with the knife against her neck the

whole time and at one point the necklace

or the knife Nicks her neck a little bit

and like there's like a little blood

trickling and he like licks up the blood

of course he does right big diesel

energy for definitely yeah

arson diesel I feel like what other

names I feel like there's like a very

specific category of character that like

yeah they all have that exact energy

um it's the chaotic like

violent and then sometimes randomly very

sweet and thoughtful but it's so Random

you never know if they're going to

literally [ __ ] stab you or like

you're like I'm more likely to be

killed yeah like I will orgasm and then

he will kill me is very much all of

their energies

so yeah he's like licking the blood away

while they're orgasming and like they

just have this like hot chaotic sex

and then he just like walks away again

and she's like this is not I don't like

that yeah yeah and she you can tell like

she actually feels a little weird like

she lives like super into the sex but

then is also like Ugh this feels a

little weird so when he just walks away

she's like I'm gonna go get some vodka

and be alone with my thoughts

um slams like a whole bottle of vodka

alone because you know she has healthy

coping skills sure yeah

alcohol is not a good coping skull it's

not it can be an effective one

temporarily temporarily yeah

but as a long-term coping method nope

would not recommend don't drink to feel

better drink to feel even better oh no

it's like a Reese Witherspoon movie but

that's from

not a good one it was like a like I'd

heard that quote and then I like watched

the movie and then I

the movie did not land for me but I I do

appreciate the sentiment of the quote

right where it's like don't drink to

cope drink when you're like having fun

and it's just like something that you

are enjoying in moderation yes in

moderation

um

because my husband and I have been

having a lot of conversations about that

when it comes to food recently and being

aware of like your mental state when

you're eating right food right and

um that like food can like there can be

a lot of pleasure in it and a lot of

enjoyment in that right but also

when like our bodies struggle to break

down and digest foods as easily when we

are having negative emotions and

negative experiences right and so we've

had a lot of conversations where I'm

like I really want to like crumble

cookie one night or something like that

and he I was like yeah but I know I

shouldn't have the cookies

and he's like listen

he's like I don't give a [ __ ] if we get

the cookies or not but if we get the

cookies we're going to enjoy the cookies

and they're going to be a treat and we

aren't going to like be upset with

ourselves for like eating eating them

right it's like that's not what we're

doing he's like so if you can't eat the

cookies and be happy about eating the

cookies you don't get any [ __ ]

cookies my my words not his right right

but it's definitely been like a

perspective shift because I think it's

so easy to make oh I shouldn't have that

or like make no

I'm accepting This and like I like want

to eat this and it is okay and I'm going

to enjoy this and I'm not going to like

ruin my experience of this food with

unnecessary guilt that I'm putting on

myself about it

so that's just a whole tangent about

where I'm at in my life when it comes

just food man managing a postpartum body

is a whole yeah situation I have a tough

enough time just like managing my my

appetite with my cycle because my

appetite change is so dramatically with

my cycle I can't even imagine being

postpartum and trying to deal with the

hormones and oh and enough calories you

can keep making enough milk but then

you're also like yep

if your milk

depletes a little you're also like but

don't get stressed that you're like

making less milk because the stress is

bad for your milk reduction so you still

need to be okay and you're like

this is just so many moving pieces

oh

no

I told my husband I was like

there's a date on our calendar that I'm

like my goal is to make it to this date

with continuing to pump after that I'm

going to dwindle and then I'm going to

celebrate that I've made it this far in

the journey with getting a new tattoo oh

yeah

I was talking to a co-worker because she

just stopped pumping and she was like

yeah I celebrated by scheduling a Botox

appointment I was like hell yeah girl

good for you babe she's like it feels a

little vain I was like if that's how you

want to celebrate [ __ ] do it there's

absolutely nothing wrong with that no

good for you live your best life I'm

like your body did a miraculous thing

and if that's how you want to celebrate

you can celebrate and I'm not going to

call it a push present because the term

push present makes me feel a little

weird

okay

my sister got a tattoo when she was done

like nursing and she's like it's my push

present to myself and I'm like

can you just say you wanted the tattoo

yeah

I don't I don't know what it is and like

this is one thousand percent of me I

think there's zero Rhyme or Reason to it

if anyone who's listening has children

and you're like but I gotta push present

good for you treat yourself I still want

I still want the gifts I still write a

celebration but there's something it's

just the term that I'm just like why

does this make me feel weird there's

zero reason why it should

but it does

um yeah so Natalia slams the whole

bottle of vodka alone because she's not

great at coping as we know and then she

starts exploring the church

and so she's an adventurous drunk she's

one of those people that like gets drunk

and is like

let's just go on an adventure and like

starts wandering but I don't even know

if it's that so much as like she doesn't

have a phone she like she's like oh

she's bored she's bored and just kind of

like Meandering trashed in a church

because she has nothing better to do

that's fair

um and she's like I'm not she's not

gonna hang out with arson she's not

gonna hang out with arson she just

drugged Weston the other three guys are

dealing with the dead body of the nun

she killed from shock like

so but she finds a door that she's like

I don't know where this door leads but

it's locked she's like Weston has all

all of the keys so she tries to sneak

back into Weston's room to get the keys

and he wakes up so she distracts him

with a [ __ ] as one does right gets

the keys

I would call it a successful Venture

good for her

she unlocks the door and realizes they

go down to like the basement and when

she gets down to the basement she finds

the actual priest

for the church locked away because there

was a new priest coming in and they just

locked him downstairs in the basement of

the church so they could take over sure

as you do and I guess they were feeding

him

he was alive enough but she's like oh

[ __ ] I didn't know that the actual

priest was here like this is I did not

sign up for this right and then she

hears more voices and then what she she

like peeks around the corner and

realizes Hawk and mace are torturing

Dimitri

um and trying to get info and so Hawk is

like just finish it and he takes off to

go do whatever I don't even know so

um

Natalya is still hiding and watches mace

shoot and kill Dimitri like ex like had

whatever exploded was the same thing

that exploded and kiss on kissston when

he died not kissed in

leave that [ __ ] name so much I don't

it feels fills me like a visceral anger

but watching him get killed like brings

up her recent drama she has a touch of

the PTSD one thousand percent I don't

think she's aware that it's PTSD right

but it is

she pukes everywhere I mean she did just

like slam a whole bottle of vodka by

herself and I describe her as like

essentially being like a hundred pound

soaking wet right but her rack has never

diminished of course not which I love I

love when they're like you could tell

she was like damn near gone it had no

meat on her bones from all of the coke

butter tits though yeah and I'm like

butter tits just magically stayed

several cup sizes too big so I will tell

you

I have I have said before on the podcast

I'm I have a lot up top grab them again

Hannah I was covering them up I was

covering them up

I have a lot up top and

um when I was in high school I was

really sick and I was on all these

different meds and I got really really

really skinny like really skinny my tits

stayed huge

I was like that was the only thing on me

that stayed the same okay that's

you know I know that's not normal but my

my boobs don't ever get bigger when I

gain weight or get smaller when I lose

weight they just

are who they are Loki I love that for

you yeah they just are who they are

yeah and you know like that was one of

those details in this book that I'm like

some male authors writing under some pen

names with this like I mean Could Be

Still In fairness it could still be Bevy

of boobs

um well what's that one where she's like

um it was some tumblr post maybe where

this woman was like a man writing a

woman is like

um her breast bounced breastly

upon coming down the stairs yes like

those were your nipples winked at me

like and you're like none of this is how

these work but

I will give them more credit because you

have firsthand experience of being like

no I actually yeah lost a bunch of

weight and got really really tiny and my

boobs still smashed they did yeah so

they looked even bigger because I was so

small so I looked ridiculous like I

always looked like I was gonna tip it

you're not a huge person in general so

like you losing weight you were

real small it just looked like I was

gonna tip over all the time

like a strong gust of wind is all it

would take yep

so she pukes everywhere takes off mace

obviously hears this runs after her and

catches her

and she's like why do you guys even want

me on the team like this doesn't really

make sense and he kind of like sidesteps

the question he's like come on like I'll

tell you about Porsche so they we

switched to Macy's perspective they're

in his room

um

did he maybe I think he told her some

about Porsha I honestly don't even

remember they [ __ ] they finally they

[ __ ] he follows orders and his room has

a lot of like the church

I don't know paraphernalia yeah

um but there's like a cross cross in his

room yeah and like he was like his his

room is like the junkyard of all of the

church paraphernalia and there's a cross

in there and he ties her to it and they

[ __ ] which I'm like that

is a lot for your first time [ __ ]

someone it is yeah kind of like what was

that Megan Quinn book that you and I

both read recently oh with the [ __ ]

yeah with the finger up the ass the

first time but she gave him a [ __ ]

yeah yeah and I'm like it's just it just

feels like there should be a

conversation beforehand at minimum you

know yes

like is this something you're into is it

if you're not already into it are you

open to it right is it something we

could build up to what are you

comfortable with yes one thousand

percent

hard limits

um apparently she's coming so loud on

this cross that arson and Hawk bust into

the room because they think something is

wrong

and then apparently when mace walks out

of the room he like makes like a snarky

comment and hoxier about like

did I follow your or like something

about that right did I follow your

orders or like I did or like that what

that was because I wanted to and not

like whatever it was but it makes a

snarky comment to Hawk yeah

um

we then switch I think we're now at

Weston's there's too many guys hang out

there's just too many freaking guys

um

we I think we switched to lessons

perspective he's catching [ __ ]

um well all of the guys are talking

because they're like you let her get the

keys and he's like I was passed out on

sleeping meds that she gave me and she

was giving me a [ __ ] give me a break

right what do you want from me

um and then they're just kind of talking

about like the logistics of the overall

planning and how things are going and

Western points out he's like so if if

Natalia's dad has been using all of like

the local churches for all of his deals

and he's just likely to show up here

anyway then like

why did we need to try and get her to

fall in love with us to like trust us so

we could get all of this detail and

and then Colt's like yeah let's just

like officially bring her onto the team

and like she can replace Porsha which is

like not the thing to say yeah

especially be because I think like Colt

cared about Porsha but I think like Hawk

and arson were like in love with Porsche

kind of energy

um and Hawk is like she'll never be

Porsche and then he just says some like

really shitty things about like her

being a tool and that she's like a

spoiled suicidal princess who's like no

good for anything

um

yeah he just makes him like really yeah

he's mean mean comments and then they

suddenly hear like

they hear her approaching and they hear

footsteps they kind of cut a cut off the

conversation then when she walks in

Weston is like

she has a smile on her face but it feels

a little forced and a little contrived

and I feel like maybe she like hurt more

than yeah yeah because they like

comments were also kind of made about

like yeah we like brought her in because

we thought she'd be useful and like she

hasn't told us anything and like what

the [ __ ] like and she's just like oh so

um they're like all right Weston you're

leading mass and she's like yeah she's

like I'd actually love to just like sit

and listen and like be in the service

like okay like Colt's gonna sit with you

and blah blah blah make sure you're safe

and when they all go into the sanctuary

um like Weston's walking to the front

just like kind of keeping an eye on her

and it's like she seems off like

something's not quite right here and

then as soon as she like gets like the

back of the sanctuary she just like

takes off out the front doors and

completely runs out like someone is like

pulling up to the church she likes grab

as they're getting out of their car she

grabs their keys takes their car and

like takes off and just goes off on her

own adventure and then that's where we

like cut back to her right

um

she like drives for like an hour and is

just like alone with her thoughts and

then she's like okay like gonna turn

around she's like they they could have

just asked me for info like it didn't

have to be this way right

um and she she hadn't made it a secret

she wasn't a fan of her dad's she was

willing to help them yeah all they had

to do was say something and so she ends

up before she ran out she like left a

list of names of all of her dad's top

men like on the back pew for them but

she's like

yeah I I would have been willing to help

like what I didn't this is shitty right

um

and so then she

like pulls off on a side road where

she's like I just want to be alone with

my thoughts for a few minutes and then

I'm like gonna turn back around and head

back but another car follows her off the

road and it's not the guys and her dad's

men have been following her this entire

time so I don't know it's all a little

bit of a blur and there's like they come

they shoot out her tires she tries to

fight them she takes off into the woods

when she gets into the woods she like

finds her team of guys there and they're

shooting back and they have her with

them and

um they're covering her and then

um I think like a couple of the guys

were in the woods with her then a couple

of guys had gone because her dad's car

had rolled up and they're like trying to

get her dad

and she grabs the radio and she's like

fine on my dad this place is going to be

swarming with over 200 men and like a

matter of minutes and we gotta go and we

gotta go and they're like

why should we trust you or like they're

like give the walkie-talkie back to like

our Center whoever it was and she's like

I'm telling you if you want to live we

need to leave like

right this is not optional

if we leave I'll I'll tell you

everything you want to know like bring

me in

let's do it like I'll I'll be a part of

the team I'll tell you everything I want

to know or you want to know they're like

okay

and then that's really where the book

ends is

them agreeing that she's gonna be a part

of the team

and it sets us up for the sequel yeah

altered by that so I guess it was

supposed to be a trilogy

and they never wrote The Third One

but then I was reading a lot of comments

where people were like

yeah with um Sam stunnick it kind of

tends to be like a chicken and egg thing

where like because I think you and I've

had this conversation where we both tend

to want to wait until a full series is

out before we read it right for the sake

of Cliffhangers and things like that

um

and so we don't read them until all of

them are out but then I guess CM student

tends to take more of like the oh we'll

see if there's enough interest in the

series before I'll finish it right but

then it seems like interest is lower

because I think a lot of people are

waiting for the full series to be out

and so then series don't get finished

but people really liked them they just

it just kind of becomes that messy

situation so

because I think

like Tate James said in like 2021 that

they were gonna finish it and it we're

now in 2023. right and it has not been

finished

well In fairness a lot of Life can

happen in a couple of years right there

was a whole last pandemic there was a

whole ass pandemic so maybe we will

still get it maybe in the future because

I'll read it if it's completed I'll

still read it well and I'm not so the

second book altered by the lead I

believe is like

Natalia has fully joined the team like

with like under the actual like company

like the what is it Birch wood something

come something like that where it's like

the actual security firm or however

whatever they're called of mercenaries

and so then she's like they're all out

in Oregon living in this like

100 year old hotel as she's like

training

um and then on her

first like actual like Mission with them

where they're to see if she's like

progressed enough that she's like a

full-fledged member of the team

I'm just about to give you the

Cliffhanger for the second one because I

figured you don't care if someone does

care maybe stop listening

but like you re like and honestly the

whole second book is just more of like

her inner monologue and then she trains

a little and then she [ __ ] one of them

and then she fights with one of them and

then she [ __ ] another one and her inner

like yeah I wouldn't say

like it's a nice follow-up to this one

and she also like at some point tells

all the guys she's like you need to try

harder and like my legs are closed until

all of you actually like good for her

yeah so like she has some personal

development

but I feel like this one I while not a

lot happened in this one I feel like

more happened in this one than the

second one even though there was

probably the same amount of sex

there was a scene that I text Hannah

about this which inspired our whole five

dick conversation

because there is a scene where she is

having sex

or some sort of sexual contact with all

five of them yeah once

which

the pressure to

sexually service five men at the same

time is well and just the dexterity

needed honestly

I mean come on well and I'm like okay

you got three viable holes sure and two

hands we we rolled the feet out we

rolled out feet

we've rolled out feet y'all if I had

thought to take a video of Chelsea

trying to mime out what it would what it

would look like I would have done that

and posted it to our socials but luckily

for Chelsea I did not think quickly on

my feet

I'm pretty sure it would have got

flagged and taken down

fully clothed

there was some pelvic thrusting and some

foot thrusting it was a weird

there okay but so I'm not ambidextrous

I'm right-handed right

so whoever ends up in my left hand is

getting the short end of the stick right

that's gonna be the worst not [ __ ]

hand job of your life yeah

no no

um

oh so the second one ends where they're

like taking care of

it's like some drug shipment that

they're interrupting or something and

then another like super skilled team

takes out someone is it Porsche it's not

Porsche oh

it is

um Natalia's Mom oh who like went

missing six years before

and then the Cliffhanger ends on is

Natalia wakes up

and it's like a rival mob family that's

actually that are actually people that I

think like put the hit out on her dad or

something I don't know like her her mom

is like standing by their car when she's

like and they like train her and she

wakes up with the other mob family or at

their place and that's all that's where

it ends

where like honestly

it wasn't a cliffhanger where I was like

oh I gotta know what happens immediately

it was one of those I was like yeah you

know after reading that I probably would

have taken a break and come back at some

point yeah but it wasn't one where I was

like download immediately I gotta know

right so

if a third book drops I'll absolutely

read it but it's also not a third book

that I'm necessarily like on the edge

for yes yeah cause what

I think it was me and I eat

it was like the crime Lord's captive or

something like that it's like a whole

series and I feel the same way without

where I like

first one ended on a cliffhanger read

the second one and I feel like that's

the problem is like when like these like

mob type books

end on a cliffhanger you spend a lot of

the second book resolving whatever right

tension was right right and then you

leave out the rest like new plot points

to keep you invested for a third book

yeah yes

and I feel like by I was getting really

bored and that series Almost by like the

end of the second book and then it was

like the oh and now all of the plot

points are catching up for the

Cliffhanger to get you on the third and

I was like you know I'll probably come

back to this at some point yeah

okay it's happening yeah I feel like

when there are too many Cliffhangers I'm

just like okay yeah yeah

um

but this one is a fun altered by fire

it's a fun ridiculous

over the top

read you know yeah that's it was yeah

so much sex it was one of those that's

like technically dark

but it wasn't like when I read it it

wasn't a challenging read like yeah it

wasn't emotional

yeah but it was still like dark and edgy

but it wasn't I wasn't emotionally

invested in the story so it was an

easier read if I agree yeah

there are some that are like

dark on a lot of levels yeah and I feel

like this one

was like just supposed to have more of

that taboo because of the

religious aspect to it but as we were

kind of talking about earlier

well most of the sex wasn't like

sacrilegious in itself right

outside of like the prayer altar The

Altar and prayer candle right being like

probably the robes being on the cross

but it wasn't like

outright we're doing this to be

sacrilegious it was like we just

happened to be here yeah these happen to

be the the props we have available like

props this prop was in the room right

less yeah more of that and less of like

the we're trying to be edgy and

sacrilegious right

um

what rating scale should we use I was

like I was saying prayer candles

God damn it oh I have on my bookshelves

prayer candles that have all of the

Golden Girls I know you do I have Kesha

on my vehicle I do yeah it's a good one

um

um yeah I really love the celebrity

prayer candles it feels like is that

sacrilegious probably to some people you

know touche

my parents are

pretty conservative and they're the ones

who got me the prayer candles so

I can take solace that

they don't think that they're that bad

there you go and they don't listen to

this podcast thank God for that yeah

um um no I think prayer candles yeah are

one of the better options that we could

go with here

I don't feel like anything else is over

at least standing out to me

I was just trying to think if there was

anything else like vodka

no no

not like I really feel like prayer

candles are the obvious one okay

um

kind of like when we were talking when

we recorded the last episode about like

my soul to keep I feel like there are a

couple different

like depending on what like if I'm if

I'm going for level of smut

it's a high like definitely hit the smut

yeah if I'm going for like

really great plot probably lower if I'm

going for an easy read it's probably a

mid review yeah so I'd say like

five out of ten okay 10 out of 20.

prayer candles I don't know how many are

normally on that setup

I don't know I'll say there are 20. I'll

go 10 out of 20 prayer candles but

you've also read this one I have I would

probably agree I mean it was one that

like it sort of felt like

um

I don't know like one of those not even

fun sized the smaller than fun sized

Snickers or something where you eat it

and you're like this is good and then

two minutes later you've forgotten that

you've eaten it and it had like no

impact

um you know what I'm saying yeah it was

an enjoyable but forgettable yes book

yeah

like it's definitely one thing like oh

yeah I think I read that at one point

remind me what happened and then you're

like oh I know that one yeah that one

was fine yeah like it wasn't like oh my

God I can't wait to reread it oh my God

I can't wait to read the next one oh my

God it was just it also wasn't like

horrifically memorable because of

because it was like because it was so

bad yeah yeah so I think 10 out of 20

prayer candles yep final offer accepted

all right let us know how many prayer

candles you would write it if there's

something else that you would use as

your rating system and don't forget to

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