Smut Club

well

hello all you beautiful people

you know what time it is

[Music]

ladies and gents

guys and dolls and everyone in between

gather round

get you something real nice to sip on

and comfy to slip on

because it's time

for smut club

here's your hosts chelsea and hannah

[Music]

hello hi everybody welcome to smut club

i'm hannah i'm chelsea

and we're day drinking and talking about

books which is really well not just

books smut smud it's where we thrive it

is where we thrive and this is living

our best lives so yes we're currently

drinking what we call weekend coffees

which is really just whiskey and creamer

with coffee ice cubes in it um but it

works it does 10 out of 10 would would

recommend it and if you have one of the

little electric whisks it really

elevates the experience it just needs a

little judge to like really put it over

the top yes and like it

it needs a lot of joj because the book

we're reviewing today has i can't i

don't know if it really has a lot of

judge it has a lot happening i don't

know if any of it's just

it's not judge you know when i think of

judge i think of like

there's a level of smoothness that

happens with judge you know

and this book lacks all smoothness

it is

all rough edges and i have read this

book twice and still don't know what the

[ __ ] happened we should probably say

what book it is it is master of salt and

bone

by carrie lake

yep that one uh

is a journey

i mean it is it's a journey from start

to finish

and

so i i will begin by

by introducing our characters yeah like

our two main ones so we have lucian who

is the

uh

town recluse he is known as the devil of

bone salt

and uh he is apparently horribly scarred

and known around this small new england

town

as like a major

douchebag i guess

and doesn't really leave his house

and then our girl also is very affluent

yes yes yes he's he's super duper rich

lives in a huge mansion

and alone with his scars is kind of the

general energy and his mom yeah oh and

his mom his mom and his scars his mom

and his scars yeah yeah

um and there's all this like like

town urban legend around him and this

house and all this

um and we'll get into more of that as we

get into the story

um and then we have isadora who goes by

izzy

i would too yeah right who is our main

female

interest

she is 19. she is from a very poor

family her mom is the town [ __ ]

which made her life really difficult

growing up understandably

and um she has no idea who her father is

because her mom is the town [ __ ]

there were just too many options yeah

okay yeah

um i i i get the feeling it was like one

of the like a wheel of fortune spin

thing where you know it could be any

number of options just just flicking the

wrist and we'll see like who doesn't

land on kind of like on how i met your

mother how barney stinson's brother was

played by wayne brady and it's because

his mother got around yes okay exactly

although izzy is an only child

um mainly raised by her aunt because her

mom's also on a lot of drugs and again

we'll get into that more as we get into

the story now as i was thinking about

how to review this book i did talk to

chelsea about different ways that we

could go about telling this story

because

it is just super chaotic there are a lot

of flashbacks happening it's all very

confusing and so initially i was

thinking maybe i would do all the

flashbacks first

um

but i

the more we talked about it the more i

realized i don't want to rob you guys of

the experience of

this chaos because it

that is the book you know like like if i

change the order to try to make it more

lucid i have just

you're doing everyone a disservice

because it is not the true experience of

master of salt and bone exactly like i

am

i am taking away the integrity of the

story you know

not that there is much

i was gonna say integrity is maybe not

the word i would have chosen

um but also i don't know if there's

another word

so yeah i mean i kind of get it

i mean we've already established

authentic

we the authenticity of the journey sure

i mean we've already established that

josh is not the word we'll find it

eventually um i'm gonna laugh my ass off

if we make it through this entire review

and by the end we're still like we don't

have the word for what this book is i'm

going to lay odds on that that it's

going to be 60 40. we're gonna have no

idea

i'm not betting against it fair enough

so

it opens with a flashback of our dear

friend lucian

um

15 years ago in some kind of

asylum like being strapped down and he

is crying and sobbing begging his mother

not to leave him and to help him and she

says that um he's sick

and that these people are trying to help

him and he just needs to calm down and

she leaves him there so that's how we're

opening

right as little like 15 16 year old

lucian

coming out hot just like full bell jar

situation

so

then

we move into isadora so her she's in the

car with her aunt they're driving um to

the uh manor where lucian lives

because isadora has gotten a job

at the mansion as the companion slash

caretaker for lucian's mother

so the aunt is pretty upset by this does

not want to leave her there

but

they don't really have any money izzy

just graduated from high school there's

also some some

allusion to some kind of trauma that she

experienced recently the aunt is like i

i just don't like this this is a bad

idea

and izzy's like

tough [ __ ] we need the money so she is

trying to save up money so she can leave

this this dead end town where everybody

just thinks she's a [ __ ] because of her

mom

so all that's going on they get there

she does not meet lucian she sees him in

the window

which

i don't know what it is about that trope

that just i don't it's just weird like

it's just so weird and it's in a ton of

movies and a ton of books where like the

the woman arrives somewhere and there's

just like this shadowy creepy person

just staring out the window yeah

i don't like that i'm not a fan of that

to be fair i don't think you're supposed

to like it i think it's supposed to

leave you feeling a little unsettled so

i will say

it seems like she may have succeeded

with her goal on this one

i mean i guess

we'll we'll give carrie credit on that

then

okay carrie gets credit for this trope

just the ones though just the ones never

again never please god

so um izzy is in like

torn clothes they're super old because

she's poor and that's what she has so

she shows up and she meets the mom she

meets the butler person i guess

and he's giving her a tour telling her

the rules he says you know stay out of

of the master's way

and she's like cool cool cool cool cool

and the mom is really strange she has

some kind of dementia happening and

isn't very steady on her feet so she

uses a wheelchair i'm not gonna lie i

read this book probably like

three or four years ago

i don't really remember when i read it

but i would have bet money it was his

grandmother and not his mom and so now

i'm really questioning

my memory of this book

it is his mother oh damn it is his

mother

this really kind of changes how i was

conceptualizing it and not for the

better

it's not good no okay so it's his mother

i'm not gonna get us off track there

it's his mother and so this is gonna be

important later she also has this

collection of very expensive very rare

ultra creepy dolls like vintage old

school antique dolls

that i love a good doll collector i just

i

like

annabelle why

i

you know what i'm not here to shame

people if that is your jam like

okay that's okay but i also

if you ever ask me if i want to see the

collection i'm probably going to

politely decline or not so politely i

was going to say i probably won't be

polite about it

you know that's just a boundary i'm

going to keep precisely okay so izzy's

getting settled in she has to live in

the manor as part of her new job um so

she gets settled in

the mom is like hate your outfit we're

buying you new clothes it's a whole

thing

um oh i forgot izzy is also a very

accomplished piano player of course

naturally but like obviously it makes

sense that the girl who

whose mother was the town [ __ ] who's

never had anything or really any access

to lessons consistently or anything of

that capacity would just naturally be

a piano prodigy

right and they do address that because

apparently she has um

like an eidetic memory where she can

replicate anything she hears so when she

hears a piece of music once she can play

it

and i'm like

just

doubt that you know but okay we'll give

you that one it's convenient i mean for

the sake of the story i guess we'll give

you that one well how else would she

learn to play the piano hannah

i

she she wanted

without that memory she would not be the

accomplished pianist that she is

and apparently the mom loves uh

classical music so this is very exciting

for everybody that she is able to do

this

so then we move to another flashback

okay

and

it is

lucian and his best friend they're like

14 well 15 15 16

and they're chilling running around

doing what 15 and 16 year old boys do

causing

havoc

they're on a break from their boarding

school or whatever and i

a new housekeeper shows up and she's

french and busty so obviously like

they're super into that

and she's like

weirdly forward with both of them

and

lucian's like

pass

but his buddy is like i'm into that

so the

the 15 year old dudes are on break from

boarding school there's a new hot

housekeeper from france who shows up

and is like i'm into 14 year olds or 15

year olds i apologize apparently

and lucian has the wherewithal to be

like

nah i'm good and it's okay

you know

i mean she's hot and he he understands

the fact that she's hot but he's like

no

right

so her mom his mom hates her obviously

um

but she starts working there

they continue on with their summer

it's good times to be had by all

so then we're back to the present lucian

is like

so did anything happen in that flashback

outside of just like an introduction to

the [ __ ] housekeeper i apologize i'm

not slut-shaming no i mean i'm pretty

sure but yeah okay so we meet the hot

busty french housekeeper the french maid

the friend we yes truly we meet the

french maid and they're like all right

back to back to the present

anyway

so i am not going to give carrie that

trope of the french maid i will not give

her that um so then we're back to the

present and lucian this is all told from

first person by the way so it flashes

back and forth between the different

points of view

so lucian

obviously is creeping in the window he's

like

she looks like a sewer rat but i'm into

that

like that's basically like he he's very

judgmental of her clothing why does she

look like a sewer rat i don't think he's

like a normal day and he's like

you're like did she fall in a pool and

he's like i'm into sewer

i don't think he used those words

necessarily but she had it's like he's

describing she has on a lot of like

heavy eye makeup and she's wearing like

clothes that don't fit well and are very

clearly old and threadbare she's wearing

um like galoshes that don't fit properly

it's like a whole thing and he's like

yikes but also

um

like ew but also

maybe exactly okay exactly and izzy

doesn't have a car or anything so

they're you know they go through the

whole thing of like you know well

you you can use the

my driver situation whatever and we

expect you to be here pretty much all

the time just let us know when you're

leaving blah blah blah and lucian is

like eavesdropping a lot because he

doesn't really want to meet her because

he's like my scars oh he still hasn't

met her at this point no no no he's just

like

sort of there

they're just like

circling around each other in this house

without ever actually yeah okay yes so

lucian is

obviously super into her but like trying

not to be weird about it and then

there's also

this this like secret society illuminati

situation happening

and so

um these guys show up to meet with

lucian and they have these like

super secret rings that like have a

moth on them i think i don't remember

how secret can a ring be you'll wear it

on your hand i don't

i don't know i i i'm telling you like

i'm sorry you were you are giving your

best representation of this book and i'm

i'm not [ __ ] on your representation

i'm [ __ ] on the book

because i'm like the super secret

moth rings for their secret society i'm

like is it really that [ __ ] secret so

when i think of

like these rings i think of um

and when our powers combine like a

captain planet situation

and i know that's not what was intended

like i'm fully aware of that but i just

that's where my brain goes so he's

meeting with these men who are like

you're supposed to be

more involved with the organization and

he's like i don't want to

he's like not into it

and so apparently he's experiencing a

lot of pressure but we still don't know

what this organization does or what its

purpose is or what the [ __ ] is going on

right so there's just some men with moth

rings pressuring him to be more involved

end of our knowledge got it yes

so and then as we continue to move

izzy's getting settled i'm gonna speed

up a little bit izzy's getting settled

um she meets the mom again still super

weird but she spends time with her she

reads to her and she's very into like

harlequin romance so you know

she'd probably like this podcast she

would love it

uh but she's also super like buttoned up

and conservative which is just you know

a very interesting dichotomy for

character development that was a choice

that that carrie made

so izzy reads to her she

plays her

some songs on the piano

she's like trying to figure out

what

i don't know what her life is supposed

to look like now that she's in this role

um obviously they have a private chef

obviously

and so the private chef uh

keeps coming on to izzy makes her meals

and stuff and so izzy one day

was working late because the mom had

some kind of issue or something and so

she goes down

to eat and there's this massive dog that

she essentially describes as a hell

beast it sounds like some kind of

mastiff

like this massive dog

is there and she's like i'm gonna die

and so she takes off running which by

the way

um don't do that

prank

i don't care if it's a dog or a bear or

whatever you don't run from a predator

you just you just don't do that so the

dog got super excited and decided to

chase her

down just to like lick on her not to do

anything bad to her

so misunderstood right he's just sitting

there wanting all the love so and and

just to be totally honest of all of the

characters in this book the dog is my

favorite

his character arc for me is like

the one

character arc

really the the jaw the dog's personal

growth development through this through

this novel is

jeff's kiss as we peel back the layers

for him you know okay

so anyway so this is how she meets

lucian because lucian shows up and gets

the dog and he tells her like you're a

[ __ ] idiot don't ever run from him

right and she's like okay

um also you're super hot but like try

not to be weird about it

and so

um that's how they meet he's a total

[ __ ] she's like [ __ ] you like

they're they're only meeting now oh my

god yeah she's been there for like two

or three days and like living in the

same house

oh and i forgot she also feels like

someone is watching her sleep which is

really fun for everybody um but she

cannot prove that and there's a nurse

who also works there

um taking care of the mom and she's like

yeah you're gonna wanna avoid the devil

of bone salt that's bad news

bears and it's like giving her all this

information and izzy is like jesus

christ like i'm just trying to get a

paycheck so i can get out of this

[ __ ] town right now like please leave

me alone

so anyway

um all that happens she finally meets

lucian it is not a very auspicious

meeting

great vocab word thank you very much i

feel really good about my sat scores and

that makes one of us

i don't remember my s.a.t scores i

stayed out with friends the night before

and forgot i had to take them so then i

retook them because it was not the score

anyone in my family was hoping for

i

oh god i had to take them twice also

because i had juvenile epilepsy and so

they didn't realize that i needed like

like special accommodations

and so i show up like kind of high on my

medication

and like take the test and i i didn't

have time to finish because that was a

little high and they were like

that's really tough for you

so

you actually had to get like medical

accommodations right the second time

well at least you had an excuse i did

you did

and apparently i grew out of it so

i got what i needed

the extra time on the sats and now i'm

done so that was the cure

that was all i was waiting for billy i

got special accommodations on the sats

and voila

cured i no longer had juvenile epilepsy

yeah just no more seizures for me it was

really great

um so anyway

so

so par parting ways with juvenile

epilepsy let's get back to lucian and

his scars i really love our tangents

they're just really perfect for

everybody to be

you know experiencing so we have another

flashback

uh is the is the

[ __ ] french maid in the flashback yes

yes so um lucian so there are sea caves

so lucian

and his friend um decide they're gonna

meet up at the sea caves and like smoke

a little weed and drink a little so the

mansion isn't a coastal city yes thank

you sorry it's in it's in a new england

like

cape situation okay yes

so there are sea caves so

so

lucian is uh supposed to be meeting his

friend at the

sea caves uh again to like smoke a

little weed drink a little do teenage

boy [ __ ] and um

apparently his friend decides to bring

the french maid

with him

and you know as any grown woman wants to

do hang out in some sea caves with some

15 year old boys yeah yeah so then um

his friend is not shy

right

so he is like

saying things that frankly

no one should say like much less a

teenage boy like you know

making a lot of demands on this french

woman

so

lucian and she's like inviting lucian to

participate and he's like

no

i'm not

i'm not [ __ ] you with my best friend

thank you though like i'm not doing that

so the best friend is putting the moves

on the french maid and the french maid

is in turn putting the moves on lucian

yes man i wonder how the

best friend feels about that i mean he

was pretty into it from

what i gathered you right

so lucian just sits there in the sea

cave smoking weed watching his best

friend [ __ ] this french maid

and then she comes over and is like your

turn and he's like

no like i don't i don't live for sloppy

seconds thank you does he say that to

her basically yeah hang on let me let me

find the exact quote because he

definitely

that's brutal so first of all she said

come young master [ __ ] me

and

he's like i don't [ __ ] seconds

and her response is i should have let

you have me first then i'll just have to

pretend and then she masturbates in

front of him while calling his name

so

that and that's the flashback

and that's the flashback i'm like okay

but here's the other thing so

their children

their their they're children

and i'm just like

ew

gross

yeah nothing about

that scene feels like arousing

no it feels like

this isn't a good vibe that's happening

[Music]

now mind you is that because both of us

are

mandated reporters

for abuse

like may that might be like we both had

to call cps on more than one occasion

in our jobs is that why like it's is

that what it is because there's

definitely a disconnect with this where

i'm like nope this feels

this doesn't feel sexy this feels

like a grown ass woman

is masturbating to a 15 year old in

front of him right very predatory and i

i mean i would like to think that it's

not just being a mandated reporter that

like morally as a person i would object

to that also that yes we do have morals

and if i think about it like if this

book if the gender roles were flipped

and a man was doing this with a girl it

would be like

you wouldn't write that down you know

what i mean like it would or it would

very clearly be like a trauma arc and

not

sort of like

slated to be sexy i also like here's the

thing

i don't think i've ever seen a 15 year

old boy even if he lifts even if he like

works out on a regular basis and been

like

i'm into that like right there's always

at that age like i've never seen a 15

year old boy been like what i thought

they were at least

legal like there's something i'm like no

you still look

like a 15 year old like a even if you're

a little kid 15 year old

for other 15 year olds they're 15 year

olds yes important clarifying

real weird

we're just gonna bow out while we're

behind anyway

[Laughter]

so

she closes by saying next time i'll have

you first

so she i guess she felt the need to

to reiterate that and that is the end of

the flashback and we are back to present

day with izzy

so she is again she's settling in

she really really likes lucian

um

and

well so i shouldn't say she likes him

she is into him she thinks he's super

hot

um she's very curious about her scars

and how he got them um

and so he's got this like air of mystery

he's an older man so she's like into

that i think he's 12 years older than

her

um

so

something like that yeah i don't

remember his exact age but i'm pretty

sure it's around then um

and then

we have another flashback

that chapter is just izzy like getting

used to getting settled yeah so we have

another flashback we learned that

lucian's father is extremely abusive

towards him

um

and

uh the french maid is continuing to

shoot her shot

um

and she tells him how just disappointed

she was that he didn't

like [ __ ] her like oh my god

um she she seems really hung up um

this child

she is okay

she's into a lot of things

and we'll get more into that because i

learn a lot about this french maid whose

name is solange that i wish i didn't

know

so

uh yeah

he's just

yeah

she's continuing to come on to him

and

she is like wanting to

teach him things tells him to come back

to the sea cave and he's like no no no

she's like you you totally you totally

should so he does obviously because he's

a 16 year old boy and this woman with

huge tits is like um let me [ __ ] you

right like in the seat cave in the sea

cave

so she won't be second this time and you

won't be sad

so he

i think she she just gives him a hand

job at this point

but she

like ties him up and lets the water rise

enough so that his head is under water

and he can't breathe

and so then he has this like super

powerful orgasm because breath play and

he's like what the [ __ ]

and she said something about like you've

just experienced the petite more right

like the small death of orgasm and he's

like that's amazing teach me everything

you know

and that's the end of that flashback

[ __ ] book man

okay so

so she's teaching him about breath play

by letting the tide rise in the sea cave

while she gives him a hand job but

because he couldn't breathe it really

when he could finally breathe his orgasm

was incredible yes

this yeah this makes sense go on so she

just gives him a proper nantucket

handshake

i have

we'll get into that later

we'll get into that later

um anyway

so

yeah i have to speed this up because

there's just so much happening

you really so much [ __ ] chaos and so

she

so

it we're back to izzy she's having

nightmares of this trauma that we still

don't know what happened

she's doing all this stuff

trying to get to know

what's going on she's interacting with

lucian a little bit more he's hearing

her play the piano and he's like oh my

stars

and she's like you know that's just what

i do like don't worry about it

um then we have more flashbacks again of

knowing

like learning more about how abusive his

dad is

it's just a [ __ ] mess you guys like i

just don't

i just don't know

i just don't know so

we're continuing on this journey of izzy

settling in

and pretty much every other every other

chapter is a flashback so

lucian is banging the french maid more

regularly

and

learning more about breath play

apparently he's also a little bit into

knife play um he doesn't like using the

knife he likes to use it on himself but

he hasn't done it with her so that's a

whole thing his father is very

disappointed by all of this

well actually his father is very proud

because he thinks that lucian is

sadistic and lucian is not but his dad

thinks that he is because he finds the

knife and he finds like some porn that

that suggests that

and so his dad is like finally

you're my real son

which is that's a weird father-son

bonding experience it's just a really

strange bar to set you know

so i've been waiting to find out you're

into knife play

so

dad is like

basically

disclosing his sexual proclivities

which is a lot to digest

so

lucian is continuing to fight his

attraction to izzy because he feels like

she's too young he winds up fingering

her on the piano bench i guess and after

she plays and then he's like

i made you like a needy little [ __ ]

didn't i too bad you're too young

love you bye and like that's it you know

and she's like what the [ __ ]

and yeah that's just

that's just how it happens

so interspersed with all of this we also

meet the mayor of this town

the mayor

really really really really really wants

to be a part of this secret organization

lest we forget the moth rings that

lucian is a part of and so he is coming

to lucian petitioning to join this group

he is also lucian's father-in-law

because lucian was married

he also had a son so this is part of

where all of the like urban legend about

this family comes in because

lucian's son disappeared

and then his wife killed herself

so there's a lot of speculation about

what happened to the son and if he

actually killed the wife right so the

wife is the mayor's daughter so he comes

to lucian

as his father-in-law and is like do this

for me we're family and lucian's like

jesus christ i [ __ ] hate you like

basically right

um

and

his father-in-law is like let me on the

secret society and lucian's like you

remind me of all of my trauma leave me

the [ __ ] alone yes precisely precisely

so

um

more flashbacks

my favorite flashback well favorite i

don't know that that's the word because

again we don't have a word for this book

we don't have a word so

the flashback that stands out the most

to me we'll say it that way is lucian is

at a dinner party the french maid is

serving

at the dinner party

she is like stroking him and [ __ ] in

front of people

on the sly hoping no one will notice and

he's super into it

so then she tells him she's gonna come

to him later that's great

he gets up because she disappears and he

wants to go find her

and he hears her

getting [ __ ] by his father

while he uses because his mother was

apparently a rhythmic gymnast

apparently she twirled baton

so i don't know what you call that a

baton twirler so i had a friend she was

and like internationally ranked baton

twirler but i gotta say

true like the i was like i kind of

laughed and then the first time i saw

her like actually like do her like baton

routine i was like this is

the most impressive thing i feel like

i've seen in person in a really long

time and then i felt like an [ __ ] and

i'm like you know what who am i to judge

your art

and who am i to judge carrie's art with

master of salt and bone i was going to

say i am judging carrie's art i am not

judging i am not judging

i'm not no

uh it is beautiful and majestic

follow your bliss

so

the reason that's important is because

his dad is using his mother's

like award-winning baton to [ __ ] the

maid in the ass while he rails her

and she's like i love it so dirty i'm so

into that

solange seems to have very few moral

hang-ups in her life

again i

okay so i would say i'm not here to

judge but she's [ __ ] children so i'm

here to judge that and their parents and

their parents i'm here to judge the

pedophilia you know right i think that's

a fair judgment right i'm not here to

kink shame in other ways so all that's

happening lucian feels betrayed

solange comes to him and is like i only

ever wanted you

you know i have to because he's gonna

fire me whatever whatever and lucian's

like that was [ __ ] disgusting

like holy [ __ ] well he didn't like

sharing her with his best friend i can't

imagine sharing her with his father

felt better

yeah no no

sorry i needed a whiskey break after

that

so then

uh

again we flash back to present

the izzy's getting more and more

information about lucian's wife and that

whole situation

she finds out that she did kill herself

she like jumped off a balcony

um she continues to kind of like want to

be close to lucian and he is continuing

to like fight his desire for her

whatever

um mom continues to be super creepy and

weird

and then

at some point izzy gets a phone call

from her aunt

and her aunt is like i just had the [ __ ]

beat out of me by your mom's drug dealer

she owes him a ton of money she took off

um

they said they're gonna kill me if we

don't get this money and it's a lot of

money

like

like what how

did she get that whatever

like how did she obtain that that many

drugs like i guess she was

like acting as a courier or something

whatever the point is

izzy steals an antique doll

oh from lucian's mother and her creepy

doll collection precisely okay precisely

so that she can pay off these drug

dealers and um as she is trying to leave

the house she drops the doll and it

breaks in front of the butler and he's

like what the [ __ ] dude like for real

come on now

so then izzy goes to lucian and he oh

and she has been

bought a whole new wardrobe at this

point so she's like looking super cute

all the time and lucian's like god damn

it

so

um

lucian is like what the [ __ ] are you

doing like

what are you doing and so she explains

the situation to him he's like i'll fix

it whatever and she's like

okay and she's like like fix the broken

doll or fix

the

the family debt

okay both i guess so um

yeah so

izzy's like i mean i know i'm fired and

he's like you're not fired you can never

leave here like oh good so some weird

beauty and the beast vibes like you're

here forever now

um and so

yeah so then izzy gets another phone

call that her mom is dead

she has apparently overdosed

so she's very upset

she tells lucian she needs to take some

time off

and all that good stuff and

um izzy

is really struggling with this whole

thing nobody really shows up to her

mom's funeral lucian sends a lot of

flowers it's just her and her aunt there

at the funeral

and then as she's leaving the funeral

home the mayor shows up

and he's like i i used to be your mom's

high school teacher she was such an

amazing young woman you know

i'm so sad that her life turned out the

way that it did i just wanted to pay my

respects and just to make sure i'm

remembering correctly the mayor is

lucian's deceased wife's father correct

and he shows up to

izzy's mother's funeral and it's like i

was her high school teacher correct and

i came to pay my respects correct okay

small town yeah yeah yeah um

small coastal town

so

sea caves with sea caves is it a coastal

town if it doesn't have sea caves i mean

technically yes

i guess to be fair

oh [ __ ] so anyway

this book y'all oh my god

so i feel like there's still a lot of

there's so much we might have to like

like

speed i'm just gonna speed it up so

there's another flashback at some point

lucian meets a girl at a party her like

their parents really want them to get to

know each other it turns out that it is

the mayor's daughter and he does wind up

marrying her however the reason he winds

up marrying her is because she was

coming on to him pretty strong during

this party they [ __ ] in a closet like

a supply closet

um but he could not

orgasm i guess because she wasn't

choking him or hurting him

and he was like it's all it's all good

like

this has been great all of his sexual

experiences with solange and breath play

really did not set him up for success

they did with other sexual experiences

because to be fair if someone else is an

into breath play it is a

interesting conversation to try and

bring up especially in the moment yeah

that's not like you i don't feel like

you can do spontaneous breath play with

a new partner you know not your first

time no no no no no there it is you got

to build that trust yeah and there needs

to be some conversation around that

so then turns out she shows like she's

staying with them for some reason i

don't really remember why she's staying

at the manor and she's like continuing

to try to like cozy up to lucian and

he's like for real babe like that was

terrible not really into any of this

and so

then turns out she is pregnant and she's

like it's your baby and he's like um

isn't that i mean and

he's like she's like no like you're the

only person that i've slept with in like

the last six months or whatever like it

has to be you he's like well

cool

uh what

and the mayor and his dad are like cool

story you're getting married

how old are they at this point in like

early 20s okay yeah like i think like

that they just finished college okay

yeah or he did he's no longer a child

he's no longer a child thank god so we

don't have a child bride situation in

conjunction with the general pedophilia

yeah

so

um izzy um is continuing to play the

piano she and lucian are continuing to

have running run-ins that are like

increasing in spiciness

um

she's continuing to have nightmares and

all this stuff from whatever trauma she

experienced

um

she

[Music]

lucian winds up seeing a bunch of scars

on her arms from apparently where she

was cutting herself and he's like joke's

on you i'm into that and she's like what

[Music]

oh my god

like being into knife play and

self-harming are not

they're very different things

so

and we won't get into like the dsm-5

situation of it all

but this

this is like

a a bdsm five situation

and it's not good

oh my god

oh my god

i've never been more proud of you for a

joke in my entire life

honestly i'm pretty [ __ ] proud of

myself bdsm five

no one who

if you don't work in mental health that

is not gonna be nearly as funny to you

but i'm losing my [ __ ] over here

i feel pretty good about it

and for our target audience i hope you

appreciated it

so

so

yeah so it turns out obviously she's

been doing a lot of self-harming all

this other crazy shit's going on

they're continuing to get closer and

closer

the organization is continuing to show

up and pressure lucian

we're continuing to have flashbacks of

him

i don't even know what he's doing in

these flashbacks anymore none of it

makes sense

and so oh in one of them his dad takes

him down to the like catacombs the like

basement

under the house area under the coastal

mansion with the sea caves under the

coastal mansion that is near the sea

caves

and um which by the way if you know

anything about living on the coast there

would not be catacombs or a basement

because flooding that [ __ ] happens all

the time we don't live like that on the

coast thank you

well

you have two podcast hosts from florida

so we have a lot of opinions on flooding

so

among other things among other things

buckle in flooding and alligators we

really know our strengths

and smut

so

sometimes all three so

quintessential florida obviously so his

dad takes him down to this basement and

there's this man strapped in down there

and his dad is like you need to torture

this guy and lucian's like what the [ __ ]

dude like no and he's like yeah you're

gonna do it and you're gonna like it

so obviously lucian has been subject to

his father's torture for years and now

he is being forced to torture other

people

once again different than being into

knife play very much so

so lucian

apparently part of this organization

they they're doing research and

experience on

sociopathy

and so they pay people who are like

desperate for money to volunteer

essentially to be tortured and so his

dad is like he's not gonna get paid if

you don't torture him his family's gonna

starve is that what you want like

[ __ ] torture him great super really

good for a young person's psyche

so

that's my professional opinion

so all this is happening

izzy

he decides he wants izzy to play piano

at this big party

and he it's like a masquerade situation

and he tells her

not to talk to any of the men there

and to like stick close to him because

apparently these are like organization

people and so he's very nervous about

her

being around them

so she plays so it's an illuminati party

that she's playing the piano for yes and

the mayor shows up um

and talks to her and makes her super

uncomfortable and she's like big yikes

all around to all of this

and straight up y'all i have no idea if

i'm telling you this story in

chronological order at this point i

don't think it matters it just doesn't

matter i'm truly reading it didn't feel

like there was a chronological it didn't

it didn't

so

mayor shows up she's uncomfortable

lucian gets really upset that the mayor

is talking to her at all like drags her

outside and then like eats her out in

the garden like in

i was gonna say broad daylight it's not

broad daylight because it's at night

but like just out in the open but in the

open of the garden under the starlight

precisely yes where they could be seen

yes yes and she's like holy [ __ ] i'm

super into that

so they're continuing to like have this

burgeoning sexual relationship with

knife play and breath play and all this

other fun and interesting stuff

and um

so

and the mayor continues to come around

and be weird and we don't understand why

and the mom continues to be weird have

like weird dementia outbursts that's

like what the [ __ ] lucian's mother

lucious izzy's mother is dead

yes dead because the mayor went to the

funeral yes yes okay yes

um

and then

holy [ __ ]

[Laughter]

like i y'all i'm like

disturbed

and

perplexed

and befuddled by this book

i am befuddled

truly befuddled

not to be confused with besieged

so

[Laughter]

so

i'm so sorry

i'm gonna get it together i just i

from start to finish you guys what the

[ __ ] hannah this book didn't get it

together so i don't think you should put

that same pressure on yourself thank you

anytime let me give you that freedom if

you won't give it to yourself i

appreciate your validation and

affirmation of my effort right now

therapy

hashtag therapy so

um

then

izzy's trying to figure out like what is

going on with the mayor

um

she's getting more and more information

about lucian's past she learns that his

son has was is dead like he didn't

disappear he died

and they essentially covered up his

death because he died via overdose after

getting into his mother's pills

solution's wife's pills right

um and lucian blamed his wife

for the death of their son

um because she didn't

like lock up her pills and

um that's why she killed herself was

because of all the guilt and shame

of her son dying um and uh she was also

apparently pregnant when she killed

herself

um and lucian's like that's really

interesting because i had not [ __ ] her

in a really long time so

yeah so like they their parents told

them that they had to get married and

then like they didn't really have a

marriage so much as like a legally

binding contract right and a son that

they both really loved and cared about

you know that's a great reframe

thank you

but then the sun dies and now there's

like no reason for them to be together

and the wife is super depressed

understandably

so all this is going on

izzy's uncovering all this stuff and

then lucian starts uncovering izzy's

past because again there's like a lot of

trauma that apparently happened to her

in high school so lucian gave her a

bracelet that had a tracking device in

it bob's

and so izzy was did she know there was a

tracking device in it negative okay so

she just thinks lucian gives her a

bracelet yes okay and she is visiting

her best friend in town and walking back

to her aunt's house one night and she

gets jumped by these guys who like pull

her into a public bathroom and try to

assault her and stuff and she fights

really hard but

very clearly like they have the upper

hand there's more of them they're

stronger and then one of lucian's

security guy shows up and just beats the

snot out of these kids

and

um rescues her and she's like how did

you find me they're like oh it's a

tracker

[Music]

so um

and also like they continue to refer to

this bodyguard person

i i take it back the dog is not my

favorite it's the bodyguard person they

continue to like randomly refer to him

he's some sort of like he's hawaiian or

samoan or something like they never

really

tell you we just know that he's massive

and really nice

so it's dwayne the rock johnson

yes that is literally how i picture him

in my mind yes that's you know that's

that's a fair assessment yeah

they're just like he's a large samoan

man who can bust some heads if needed

okay we can work with that we can

so um izzy gets rescued she finds out

that there's a tracker in the bracelet

and lucian is like tell me what happened

tell me why they were after you so she

tells him that her friend was sexually

assaulted at a party

and izzy lost her [ __ ] when she realized

what had happened to her and so she

um

stabbed some people

who hurt her friend

what the [ __ ]

honestly like

i'm embarrassed how much of this book

i've forgotten but as you're going

through it i'm like you know what

there's no chance i could have

remembered all of this because it's so

chaotic

it is and i'm gonna be totally honest i

did not remember most of it like i

completely forgot the mayor existed

until i started like going back through

for this podcast to get ready for it and

then i was like oh [ __ ] i forgot about

the mayor because he actually is really

important you guys so

so all of this stuff is going on

um and

the um the organization is really on to

lucian

ex

and the explanation is that um

lucian's family has been a part of this

study of sociopathy for generations and

so they need him to have

children to continue the study

and he is like please [ __ ] off

right like you know good for him setting

that boundary

yeah um but he was involved in the

experiments and the research and stuff

which is why he's so messed up

um

emotionally so then

at some point in some flashback he finds

solange the french maid

dead in a sea cave

and he goes and runs and tells somebody

that she's dead they go to investigate

and they're like kiddo there's no body

like what are you talking about and he's

like no like solange is dead and they're

like there was no solange who are you

talking about and he's like no no no

like me and jude and they're like jude

is dead

he's been dead for years and okay okay

okay okay okay

hold on

just to make sure

the sea caves the [ __ ] sea caves the

goddamn sea

lucian goes out and sees solange's dead

body and the sea caves and then is

obviously we're in a flash back here

and

then he goes and it's like salon just

dead and everyone's like

no

she

she was always dead she was she never

existed she never existed okay solange

isn't real and your best friend is dead

and has been apparently for like a year

okay

oh no

that is

that is not great when you think about

that breath placing

did he drop

did he drown himself

like

oh no

so

okay so that's a plot twist it's

something

so then we're like okay so how much of

this is solution hallucinating like i

don't i don't even know anymore

oh because the book opened with lotion

like being in a psych ward or something

and they're like you're sick and you

need to be here oh no

i really forgot so much of this book oh

no

is correct so

um

yeah so izzy

shares this with him and he's like

i don't know about all that so the

closer they get the more that she

reveals the more nightmares she starts

to have and she eventually tells him

that she in fact was the one who was

sexually assaulted and she is the one

that

after

the act

stabbed a guy basically tried to cut off

his dick which you know

while i generally don't condone violence

i'm like good for her you know like

good for her way to take back your power

izzy exactly so then she had accused him

of sexual assault this this guy

and he was very prominent in the

community his mom was like

head of the pta stand-up kind of lady

and she's the the daughter of the town

[ __ ] so everybody thought that she

basically just went crazy and stabbed

the golden child of the town because she

is a

[Music]

[ __ ] who's also a nut case when really

the golden shot of the town was like

kyle rittenhouse yes he was a brett

kavanaugh jr

so

so she reveals this lucian is like holy

[ __ ] okay like all this makes sense now

they're doing more knife play and more

breath play they're getting to know each

other more and more

the mom is continuing to be just super

[ __ ] weird man like

she has these weird dementia episodes

where she talks about her grandson as if

he's still alive like asking where he is

and if he'll come visit her and stuff

and it's all very sad

and um and then when she's not having

those flashbacks she's just reading her

harlequin romances and staring at her

her creepy doll collection yes and

listening to izzy play the piano i

forgot the obvious yes obviously yes so

um

yeah all this is continuing to go on the

organization people are still up

lucian's ass and then eventually

um

izzy decides she really needs to figure

out who her dad is

i don't really remember what prompted

that at all

um but she decides she wants to find out

so

she starts going through her mother's

old things actually maybe that's where

it started she's going through her

mother's old things she finds an old

yearbook she finds different things and

then she's like

[Music]

the mayor is pretty suspicious right now

he's pretty [ __ ] sus

so

she's like i don't feel great about this

so she's walking down the street the

mayor

drives up next to her and is like hey i

really need to talk to you let me give

you a ride and she's like hard pass

because

you're weird you're a strange man that

i've met a couple times and made me feel

uncomfortable all of the time so i'm not

gonna get in your car with you you

weirdo

yep okay and he's like joke's on you you

are getting in the car

so this was not an invitation so much as

explaining what was going to happen yeah

this was not optional

and so a struggle ensues and he gets her

into the car she is still wearing her

bracelet with a little tracker on it

so um he takes her to a cabin in the

woods

tells her that he is in fact her father

and he needs her

because in order to join the

organization he needs a

an offspring

to offer up for

the experiments and the research that

they're doing and so

he needs his daughter to volunteer his

daughter to be tortured by lucian's

illuminati society yes got it and his

his legitimate daughter is dead so all

he has is the

uh daughter of the high school girl that

he had sex with while he was a high

school teacher

you shouldn't be doing that

no none of it really so much of the

activity in this book is is frowned upon

not just like societally frowned upon

but like legally legally like there's a

lot of concerns in this book that i feel

like we're all just like okay with

i mean i'm not

no i mean like in their in their world

they're okay with it right right right

yes hannah i would hope you're not okay

with with the pedophilia that is rampant

in this book

um

but yeah it feels like everyone in this

book is like you know that's that's just

what happens in a small town with money

and you're like

what is it it it doesn't have to this

was a choice

this was a choice that you made and then

doubled down on

so

um the the the mayor has her in this

cabin he calls the organization's people

to come

get her i guess

and lucian realizes that she's missing

they had had some kind of fight honestly

y'all i don't [ __ ] know like if you

want the details of this book just read

it i'm not telling you you're gonna

enjoy it i'm telling you like if you

if you want to try to read this book and

make sense of it and explain it to me

like we would love honestly if you read

this book and you're like all of this is

a very linear thought pattern i don't

understand why it's escaping y'all we

would love to have you on the show we

would love to have you explain this book

to us because both of us have read this

and just thought

what chaos

yeah

and like it's not even that i am drunk

at this point it's just like i genuine

like you've only had one weekend coffee

only one weekend coffee and i still

don't know what the [ __ ] and i can't i

can't articulate it so

she's being held hostage it's a whole

thing giant samoan guy shows up and it

like

starts shooting up the cabin joining the

rock johnson wayne the rock johnson

shows up

um

and uh lucian shows up and obviously he

sacrifices his body and like throws

himself over top of her to protect her

during the gun fight and the mayor's

shooting and the samoan guy is shooting

and then some guys from the the the

illuminati show up and they're shooting

and everybody's [ __ ] shooting and

so then

and so there's a shootout is what i hear

us saying

the mayor takes izzy we find out izzy is

his daughter he needs her to join the

illuminati so they can conduct their

sociopathy experiments and there's a

shootout yes okay

so then lucian is like he's been shot

he's like we have to get izzy out of

here

so he gives izzy to the big samoan guy

he takes her away

and lucian sticks around and then the

illuminati guys show up and lucian's

like nothing to see here y'all because

he buried the mayor in in a pile of dirt

i guess because he's dead now

sorry i skated right over that

so the mayor is dead mayor is dead

lucian buried him and then the

illuminati showed back up

okay

and lucian's like don't worry about it

thanks good chat

and so then

y'all we're not even close so then we

have to be close we're not we're not you

would think that's like the climax of

the book you would be incorrect so then

pollution finally i need more whiskey

for this oh my god

i need something stronger than whiskey

like a valium

maybe somehow doll maybe it would make

more sense if i just be 52 me man

yes precisely so then

lucian gets izzy back to the house he

like cleans her up she cleans him up and

like his wound is whatever

like

sutured

they're having a nice time doing

whatever it is they do and then lucian's

mom shows up like leering over the bed

after lucian gets up for some reason and

she's like you're a little [ __ ] just

like all the others i thought you were

going to be different like how dare you

try to corrupt my son

blah blah blah blah she then reveals

that the death of lucian's son was not

an accident she intentionally killed his

child

using his mother's pills

and set it up to look like an accident

um

his father died of a heart attack at

some point

i think like right after the son died i

don't really remember his dad died but

honestly i couldn't remember how or why

nor did i care no

no

but regardless the mom killed the son

and then like set it up to look like it

was the mom's fault

um so she's revealing all of this and

izzy is like what the [ __ ] is happening

so then

she reveals that

um

she reveals that

lucian

was not the father of

the kid

which no one would should actually be

surprised by because lucian couldn't

ejaculate because

there wasn't a knife involved correct

got it so turns out that his dad

essentially sexually assaulted the

mayor's daughter that same night

with the intention of getting her

pregnant because he needed the bloodline

to continue and he needed it to look

like it was lucian's child so that they

could continue with the research and the

secret organization whatever

so

mom reveals all of that lucian's like i

don't really care what the [ __ ] you say

that was my son

like that was my son

and so

he obviously he shows back up and he's

super upset after mom has revealed all

this to izzy

and he overheard his mother revealing

all of this okay

so then he's freaking out is he's

freaking out mom tries to stab izzy i

think he she tries to kill her in some

way

lucian steps in

and then

we have some nice symmetry that happens

um where because as we all remember

no

the book opened

with lucian being strapped down into an

insane asylum the book very nearly

closes with his mother being strapped

down in the same insane asylum

begging lucian not to leave her there

and he's like

joke's on you like you killed my son and

just tried to kill izzy right right it's

like a like an inigo montoya thing from

from princess bride like

except instead of my father it's my son

you killed my son prepare today exactly

so he leaves her there

um and then you know he and izzy just

connect and

they

he buys her a bookstore

at some point

oh i forgot that he bought her a

bookstore he did he bought her the town

bookstore

and they bang in there and that's the

end

of the book

so all right

i don't even know the way to summarize

this book

i'm gonna try and summarize it so even

though i don't know how

um izzy the daughter of the town horror

is hard up for money and goes to work

for lucian

the town recluse who is covered in scars

i forgot so he got his scars because the

night his son he found his son's dead

body and had done cpr and stuff on him

to try to revive him before the

paramedics got there and then he figured

like his son's dead he got onto his

motorcycle without any of his protective

gear and went on like a little rampage

and crashed his motorcycle and that's

how he got all his scars i forgot about

that well that makes me kind of feel sad

for him that like his son passed away so

he went out i mean the whole thing is

you know a lot of this book is sad for a

lot of reasons oh and i forgot another

thing the mom also revealed that

apparently solange was real

the the french maid was real

she was referring she said that woman

was a predator she was talking about

apparently lucian had a nanny when he

was like five or six that sexually

abused him

wait

hold on was solange the nanny when he

was five or six no no so he was sexually

abused when he was five or six and

solange was real yes i think i don't

know no here's the thing i remember

reading

well i don't really remember reading

this book but i remember being like oh

okay was he hallucinating solange was he

not oh he wasn't

but like his mom was like

it was so embarrassing to watch her like

walk through the house fawning all over

you when i'm also like was it more

embarrassing

to know that or that

she was [ __ ] your husband

with your

batons

from your baton twirling and also like

is embarrassment the emotion because i

feel like it would be more like anger

and like a protective instinct for your

child hannah really not anger is a

secondary emotion of jesus christ

so what's under what's under this anger

a desire to protect my [ __ ] kid you

know

under this anger i'm just like what the

[ __ ] is still happening in this book i

still

okay so

essentially izzy goes and works for

lucian

um

they fall in love over a period of time

he's involved in a secret society he

wants out of and then he finds out his

mother

killed his son

and

has she been faking the dementia

yeah it seems that way okay so she's

been faking the dementia and then she

tried to kill izzy yep and then she

ended up in an asylum

um which like let's also just be honest

about the state of psychiatric

hospitalization in america

um that's not really a thing i just want

to be clear about that like

you're

you're doing great if you get a 72 hour

stay in this psych hospital so so but in

in the book the asylum is run by the

secret society

so i would imagine that's different than

you know yeah than a normal asylum

asylum that doesn't exist a psychiatric

hospital in which you get a 72-hour stay

unless you're on a long-term site like

forensic psychiatric unit

um i i have stories about that as well

but those are not appropriate for a

podcast because hipaa is real sure is so

um

okay hannah how would you ultimately

rate this book i i i agree 60 40. we did

not uh we did not find a new word

was not it um moth might be it moth

could be it um although i have a moth

tattoo and it makes me unhappy to use

the word mobs i mean moths are pretty

cool like all right how many moths would

you rate this book

oh

jesus christ so i want to say like two

out of five like i want to say like two

months out of five because i still do

not know what

happened well i feel like this entire

book is just like

it's building the suspense and so you're

like going through you're like what's

gonna happen like oh my gosh like i

don't really know and like you're like

trying to solve it and then it's like

[ __ ] we have 20 pages left of this book

i guess we should wrap it up now

and then

you know what they needed more than 20

pages to wrap this up yes like did you

just like dedicate

too many pages

to other things in this book i'm

confused like i'm confused on how you

felt like this was like

cohesively completing

your narrative we dedicated too many

pages to the sea caves is what happened

solange and those [ __ ] sea caves and

the breath play got too many pages i did

not need to know that much about

solange's sea cave so

but i know it anyway

you know and well she and she was real

she was not a hallucination

i'm pretty sure

and jude was alive

he had actually died

but i don't know when or i don't know i

don't know there's still

there's still a lot of questions in this

book so i think two out of five moths is

appropriate because the the bones of the

story is really interesting like the

speaker of salt and

bones

the bones of the story

the foundation of the story is really

interesting right with like a secret

society

and this whole thing with izzy like like

the the

the idea of it is really interesting

then you get into it and it's like what

the f what's happening i almost feel

like it needed to be a duet yeah like it

needed

it needed more

pages than what we had so i'm either

like you needed to cut out a few things

to get it into like one book or you

either needed to expand upon a few

things to like actually just make it

a duet that we're like oh this makes

more sense now

um

because yeah i mean

you've read it twice i read it once

years ago and going through our

retelling today i don't feel like i'm

any closer to answers than i was years

ago

yeah you know what i'm comfortable not

having them at this point

like i'm okay with not having the

answers

that's good because you'll probably

never get them

i'm practicing a lot of radical

acceptance carrie if you're listening

like maybe just dm me and let me know

what the [ __ ] that'd be great

so

i think i think that's all they're

really i don't know if we have anything

left to say on this one

[ __ ] don't that was a journey i need

another weekend coffee

i rate it one out of five weekend

coffees two out of five mods

so

yeah carrie respond let us know

um

we'll uh i mean we we might be able to

up this to three mods with some answers

sure two weekend coffees

so

on that note thank you guys for joining

us this is always so fun and

have a good night have a good day

whatever time you're listening to this

i'm never great with the time

thanks for listening thanks

bye