Smut Club

foreign

[Music]

ladies and gentlemen

Guys and Dolls and everyone in between

gather round

something real nice to sip on and comfy

to slip on

cause it's time for smut Club

here's your hosts Chelsea and Anna

[Music]

hello

hey everybody Welcome to smut club I'm

Hannah and I'm Chelsea

um and we apologize in advance for

today's episode yeah um it's it's a

journey

You're Gonna Want to to pour an alcohol

probably before we start unless this is

your commute to work don't drink and

drive

um although I just said this is going to

be a journey and my husband can mean

whisper oh is it

that and the answer is yes fans it is

that one today we are reviewing

the haunted vagina

by Carlton melick III sounds like a real

douche

is that because it's the third yes I

mean Carlton Malik is already like Anna

you know my baby's a third right I

forgot I thought he was a fourth Loki I

forget he's the third as well no so he's

Vance Bradford fight the third God we

call him Ford out of Bradford not four

for the fourth right which will suck if

he decides to carry on the family name

at some point because I do feel like

normally like the third is like trip or

Trey or something like that no we went

forward out of Bradford

I I can support that but Carlton is also

like

you know that's fair it sounds a little

pretentious yes and melvik is also a

little pretentious there's no V what is

it melat that's worse

um yes Carlton melick the third hmm

oh what did I tell you that recently I

was at a wedding I think I've told you

this I may have even told the story on

the podcast I don't know alcohol man

buckle up but we when we were at the

wedding a friend's wedding recently and

someone's like how's little Vance doing

I was like my kid's name isn't Vance

and then I was like oh [ __ ] no you

didn't tell me that yeah no that is his

name yeah no he's he's good

like little Vans don't ask me that's

inappropriate I was like oh I sure we

can talk about my husband's dick it's

fine

boundaries are silly what is the name

that she uses and um How to Lose a Guy

in 10 Days

Princess

Sofia

right I okay I was combining that with

when Phoebe wanted to change her name

and I was like Princess Sofia banana

hammock was what I had in my head I was

like that's not right

um yes princess Sofia

no we don't I wouldn't say we're big

like dick nickname people nah

no did I I don't know if I've ever told

you this either

so one time because I know we've talked

multiple times on the show about like

Daddy and being a daddy and when I asked

my husband I was like is that the sort

of thing you'd like be into and he's

like could you say it with conviction

and I was like probably not but we were

talking about that conversation and the

podcast to a friend of ours they were

like what about your co-host could she

say like and I was like

I was like to be fair I've never

actually met Hannah's husband in person

I was like

and then Vance goes I feel like she's

she's more likely to call him [ __ ] than

Daddy

I would never call him either of those

things I was not prepared for that to be

my husband's statement like Vance what

do you think of me man ow no I don't

think why oh it wasn't a negative and to

be fair if I had to guess between the

two

I would say [ __ ] is more likely than

daddy probably so okay my husband was on

a a work trip with a co-worker that is a

ridiculous person we love him he's a

little bit silly this guy took his wife

and they went all went out to dinner and

she was pregnant and for whatever reason

um Matt and his co-worker sat on the

same side of the table and then the wife

sat across from them for whatever like

whatever no judgment All God's Children

so

Matt and his co-worker had to pay on the

same tab because it was a work trip and

they were writing off the meal but wife

obviously couldn't be on the tab so the

waitress came up and asked about it and

Matt like held his hand and was like oh

we're together and the girl was like oh

congratulations like thinking that

his wife was the surrogate

for that what a narrative has been

created

so then there an argument ensued later

when they got back to work about who

would be the top because the co-worker

was adamant that he would be the top and

everybody was like

Joe

no

no

they were like Joe

no honey

one of them when the the girls at work

was even like Joe

Tracy tops you and she's two levels

beneath you in like the hierarchy here

blessed yeah so I think about that

occasionally like

who would be the top

not Joe not Joe

I've never met Joe and I've never met

Matt in person but

from stories I've heard of Matt I could

also like I would assume he would be the

top

with Joe

at the very least yes

it is always so interesting to like

when you like start to recognize those

social dynamics in a room and when you

actually like start to see guys try and

size up like where they are in the

hierarchy in a room

fascinating to watch it really is and

what I've noticed with with my husband

is that he he doesn't

do it like he doesn't engage with it and

that's the thing those are the people at

the top of the hierarchy thank you yeah

but like he doesn't give that energy

really he's just minding his own

business yeah the people who can't be

bothered what's kind of like when like

you're talking about I don't know I've

historically like said in counseling

sessions and also in my own life when it

came to dating where you're like the

person who cares less has more power in

the relationship right and I feel like

that's that's true when like dudes are

all like trying to figure out where they

are if they're like if they're the alpha

in the room and like there are some

dudes I'm like you just have strong beta

energy yeah there's nothing wrong with

having strong beta energy but it's the

people who like don't don't recognize

that they're the men accept it yeah

they're like I'm that's not me and I'm

like oh okay

do I want to crush your spirit or do I

want to let you

keep living in in a false sense of

reality

you know okay so anyway we say all this

because

we're avoiding today's review

um this book is 79 pages long hmm and my

husband went Chelsea I've seen you read

600 page books in one day if you've

liked it enough in this book took you

about a week and a half no a week and a

half by the time I like actually sat

down like started I was like okay we're

in it we're doing it but I'd like read a

few pages and I'd be like and then I'd

like put it down and read something else

instead

um

what is it

well so like the description of this

book just I I put the first line in my

notes because I was cracking up it's

difficult to love a woman whose vagina

is a gateway to the world of the Dead

hmm yeah um also worth noting when I

opened the book the author's note like

the dedication on the first page just

says I miss Andre the Giant who doesn't

I've heard great things about Andre the

Giant me too everybody was a very kind

human like

um was it I feel like I just saw a post

but I think it was like Fred Savage who

like is he canceled at this point I

think he was and then maybe he he was

brought back I can't keep up I don't

know I feel like there was like

all of the initial cancels that were

like really big and then there were

other people that like some accusations

came out about that just kind of like

fizzled out like Aziz Ansari I feel like

people brought that just yeah and then

people like saw what the accusations

were and where they were like

that

that sounds like a weird experience but

not right like anybody even with a kind

and empathetic heart could have done

that in certain circumstances if they

didn't yes it was not like using your

power to sexually manipulate a situation

right

um and I honestly don't remember where

Fred Savage landed on that but

um I feel like I saw a post that was

talking about

um The Princess Bride

um I was about to say princess diaries

very different energy if they were in

that movie

um but Princess Bride and like

their interactions on set and it was

like a very sweet post but yeah so we

all miss Andre the Giant I will um

relent to Carlton melick III on that one

so this book we have Steve

and we have Stacy

okay

they're [ __ ] weird

um those are some white bread names

though well they are fun fact Stacy is a

giant Asian woman okay

um I don't I don't think like

I think it's more height and not width

noted like I think like it said like

she's like a foot taller than Steve

so I don't know I wonder who's to talk

Stacy

Stacy's the top without a doubt

um so and like

it's one of those where I'm like I can't

tell if we're supposed to like Stacy

whereas he's like look at this cute

thing she does hahaha and you're reading

it you're like that's not cute at all

like

it's just kind of annoying and she seems

like a really selfish human right or

they're like haha she's so odd and

eccentric I'm like no she's mean yeah

it's kind of at least that was my

takeaway maybe other people would read

it and feel like it was like cuter or

more endearing and maybe I just have a

low tolerance threshold for that

which I could own sure

um

so Steve is worried because there are

odd noises coming out of Stacy's cuckoo

foreign

okay do you feel like we're reversing

roles because I normally do like the

cuter rom-coms and you're normally like

some scorpion sex this is straight up

Freaky Friday [ __ ] and I don't like it

that's what wine is for

good point

we're not sponsored by Bodo box or

hijinks but it would be a lot cooler if

we were really would be by either or

both even oh both

so both

shoot for the stars why limit ourselves

to one you know

okay so there are some weird noises

coming out of Stacy's cuckoo

and when he's like what's up with this

she's like oh yeah my vagina's haunted

like she's very much like Embrace that

like this is

um

her reality

okay and so he's like we're

not going to have sexual interactions

anymore because

your vagina's haunted time out so they

were having sex before and he didn't

notice that her vagina was haunted and

then suddenly he was like I moved in

together the noises became more obvious

oh okay

all right it's 79 Pages Hannah they

don't have enough time to explain all of

these details damn it Carly

sorry I was gonna go with trip but I

like Carly better it feels slightly more

demeaning it does doesn't it

um so essentially he's like we're not

having sex anymore and she's like yeah

no we are and I'm horny definitely and

yeah and so she's like let's just 69.

I don't know if that's how it went down

whatever there's 69ing he's on top and

he's trying to keep her legs closed

so that way

chicken ghosts won't come out you get it

to contain the haunted the haunts so

maybe this is just me

yeah

follow me or maybe don't but

follow you inside the Haunted vagina

because we'll get there well here's my

point though if somebody's vagina is

haunted or penis for that matter if

there is haunted paraffin paraphernalia

genitalia

paraphernalia genitalia the Alias you

knew what I meant I did if there is

haunted genitalia I wouldn't want my

mouth near it well Steve doesn't either

like I would rather it be near my own

genitalia than near my face

personally

if it had to be there

if there's gonna be a haunted genitalia

in the room

um

well then you won't love what's about to

happen super bring it

she orgasms and then [ __ ] starts to

loosen and get weird and then he's

trying what's loosening what's loosening

okay what so then like he's he starts to

realize her vagina is opening and

something is coming out of it and then

he tries to like get off of her and she

like won't release his dick from her

mouth

whatever at the heart of this a corpse

comes out of her vagina an undead person

nope

comes out of her vagina

while they're 69ing

while he's orgasming

well at least he got to completion

that's good what a lovely reframe

yeah poor Steve

um it would have been worse if you

didn't make it come on now would it or

is there a little bit of Shame attached

that's a good point

I didn't think of the shame

whatever they're like we're gonna leave

our house now because there's a corpse

on the ground so we're gonna go stay at

a hotel for the night and like

get our lives together okay so they've

left the undead corpse in there

what would you recommend they do

get it out

well it already came out of her I mean

out of the apartment

don't leave it in there do you is that

like a garbage bag situation

Maybe

I've not had experience I just feel like

you had strong opinions on how they

should have handled it and then when I

asked why like what they should have

done you're like I don't know just not

what they did get it out just put it on

the lawn or something don't keep it in

your house

[Laughter]

it's not it wasn't Halloween though so

it didn't fit into the decor um

so they go to a hotel they get drunk she

like we learn a little bit more about

like Stacy started to suspect her vagina

was haunted in college

oh apparently became a weird fetish

thing where she stayed in college

because all of the college boys were

super into it and then when she was like

30 and still [ __ ] around with college

boys

um someone was like it's fake it's a

tape recorder of sounds and she like got

canceled by the students and like moved

on with her life and then met Steve

so they're at the hotel Steve goes to

get more beer

he's gonna need it everyone needs more

beer I

I need the Sip

oh dear it's a gulp

so

Steve goes to get more alcohol comes

back into the room to find Stacy like

playing with her vagina lips and they

are stretching real wide

like apparently you could fit a football

in there

and as someone who has birthed a child

absolutely [ __ ] not

that does not sound like a good time no

like the elasticity of her vaginal lips

is

um prominent but also and this is not

obviously we're not here to King Shame

but when I was reading sugar daddies yes

and they were doing the stretching

it was like

oh like it made me physically

uncomfortable well and I will say this

stretching is just more like she's like

oh look at the natural elasticity here

like it's not like yikes okay she's like

oh look at it go

um and then like like when Steve walks

in the room apparently her hand is up in

there and she's like elbow deep

just like rooting around no problem what

are the physical requirements to be able

to

like the angle

that's intense well the way I'm sitting

on the couch I almost feel like I get

I'm sitting at the very normal human for

the record there is video of this if you

are not watching the video but I'm just

like sitting up like a normal human and

my elbows like on my thigh right my

elbow is also on my thigh but I still

feel weird you'd have to we're really

we're both making stops

I'm so sorry everyone I'm so sorry you

guys I can't help um okay Carry On okay

so she's like looks up in there and he's

like I think I see a light at the end of

the tunnel and she's like I need you to

go on an exploratory Journey

inside my vagina

so he does

um but he like doesn't really want to

but they're both very drunk and she like

persuades him to climb inside and

explore

um but like he like gets stuck and so

she like shaves his head and like Lubes

up his body and then she's like

masturbating to get it wet so like he

can like slide in there easier oh no

um and then

I don't know the the tunnel opens oh

um and then his like he's like sees the

light and he's like making his way

through this like tunnel which is given

in graphic detail and then his head pops

out on like the other side and like he's

like oh there's like a cliff and here's

like a whole like Mountainside and

there's like a little like

Cottage in the forest whatever

um oh there's a forest now that's good

oh there's more

okay so he pops his head through the

other side and then she's continuing to

masturbate and apparently she orgasms

and the clinch

pushes him all the way through so he

pops out of the cliff and like falls

down onto the ground and then he's just

like in

the universe inside of her vagina

so I'm just thinking of that Coldplay

song now and like show the world to me

is taking on a whole new meaning

I'm struggling with it the only Coldplay

song I ever think of is yellow

Coldplay song in my head I went yo

yellow skin no

yeah

um

okay so he's in there now

he is in her vaginal Universe

um

and he like yeah there's like a cabin

not a cottage like a cabin in the forest

and he sees like a naked woman walking

around and like she's like very pale and

he thinks she has like bunny ears and

he's like what the [ __ ] is happening

bunny ears um we'll learn in the future

they're not bunny ears they're horns

okay

um you know the important details of

this book obviously I mean I prefer

horns over bunny ears personally so

did you have a trauma with bunnies

because I know you don't [ __ ] with

bunnies I did yeah what happened is that

is that like a question I can ask I

realized

no my um cousin had rabbits and he stuck

his fingers up like in the bottom of

their crate that they were in because it

was like mesh after the haunted vagina

and sticking your fingers up things I'm

really sorry but I did that hand motion

now that you say that for those who

couldn't see I did a finger wiggle

upward motion I'm really sorry I did

that but regardless he did and

um when he stuck his fingers into the

bottom of the the mesh crate thing the

rabbit bit off the top of his finger

oh [ __ ] and it just started like like

spurting blood and I was like four years

old

no that makes sense like that is a

traumatic memory yeah so ever since then

I'm just like nah I don't I don't like

that so parallels of Our Lives

more parallels we have bunnies

foreign

Chip and Dale well that's good which I

was like like the dancers or the the

chipmunk chipmunks

um I think my parents

said it was the Chipmunks but then they

gave a lot and so they knew in their

hearts but we we were also not we I was

four my sister was a few years older

when we got rid of them because you know

like the iconic kids car that has like

the red it's plastic red bottom with the

yellow top

[Music]

the bunnies Fisher Price or whatever

yeah yeah yeah the bunnies would go

under it and like bite your ankles as

you were like pedaling and like walking

around and then I think they started

chewing through wires

um but yeah getting your bunny your

ankles nipped out by bunnies is not

ideal but yeah so the good news is

um she doesn't have horns or she doesn't

have bunny ears she has horns we will

get there we will I'll introduce her in

a few minutes excellent I'm looking

forward to it yeah so he goes into the

cabin oh because at this point he had to

get naked to like get in there so he's

just walking around this universe naked

well she's also naked so maybe that's

the thing

yeah but like he got naked because

he needed to be more easily looped up to

enter the channel

the channel is my word I'm saying tunnel

I said it twice I know and I'll say it a

third time maybe a fourth

okay

um

so when he like goes into the cap and he

like finds like some overalls and like

an ax and a ladder and like there's like

a whole like actual like Universe of

supplies here and then he gets all of

those ready so he can like climb back

out and it gets a little graphic because

like the further up the cliff he gets

the

fleshier it gets so like when he like

puts the ax in it in the wall and of the

the cliff side it like starts bleeding

as it gets higher yes like

your face is the right answer

um

well and oh my God oh my God I forgot

about this part so

he's like working on climbing back out

he's like getting starts to get his head

through and he's like what the [ __ ] like

why am I stuck is that denim

Stacy put her pants on and is driving

home

she's in the car driving home and he's

trying to push through her vag

and she's wearing jeans and she's like

stay in there

well that answered one of the questions

that I had was which was like did she

not notice that he was trying to get out

but apparently she did if she told him

to stay in there

yeah I don't know at what point she

noticed I also don't know if time works

differently right because it was a

little vague on like how long he was in

there and like was that like because it

seemed to me in reading it like he like

showed up

went into the cabin did some light

exploration

got the supplies headed back out so like

a couple hours tops it also seems like

he didn't understand the assignment

because she asked him to go on an

exploratory Mission and figure out what

the [ __ ] was in there and he just went

in and was like there's a cabin and like

decided to come back out

I also think we have to like ask

questions about like how deep of an

exploratory Mission when someone's just

like Get Naked I'll shave your head

go and he's like well and I guess to

their credit oh gosh I don't want to

give them any credit but it seemed like

they were like oh there's a light go see

what the light is and then come back

where like it was not necessarily like

he was not supposed to be a topographer

is that the people I was about to say

was he making them back

um well so

he stays in Stacy's cuckoo until they

get back because the jeans are

constricting his ability to get out

while she's driving luckily he she

didn't crash

um

then he like goes to work the next day

I'm like why we cannot just act like

this is a normal thing but he goes to

work so he got out when they got home

yeah like got out when I got home they

like go to bed or whatever I honestly

don't remember but then they're like

yeah we're going to work when he wakes

up she's gone and he assumes she's at

work and then when he calls her work she

wasn't there

because apparently she was out buying

supplies because when she gets home

she's like I've decided you're going

back in and now

you are an Explorer making a map

bought walkie-talkies bought hiking

shoes the whole nine yards

wow she really thought through her

intentions yes but also what a selfish

thing to just be like you're gonna go

back inside my vagina yeah and he's like

I don't want to and she's like I

honestly don't give a [ __ ] yeah well

also that kind of stands to her

character anyway if she was just staying

in college to [ __ ] around with college

boys who thought her haunted vagina was

a gimmick so she could get laid

yeah like nothing about her

eccentricness is endearing to me yeah

um and that's the thing I was like I I

can't tell if it's supposed to read as

it's not endearing or if I'm just like

not in Tarleton seek help

Carly my guy you doing okay

um

yes like she buys a walkie-talkie Like a

Knife a gun a digital camera like she is

like ready and so then he was like well

I can't like wear all of these things

and she's like no what we'll do is

you'll go in and we'll like put all this

stuff in this travel bag that I'll tie

around your ankle

and so then like when you get in you can

like have all your supplies and pull

them through because they'll go but the

bag will go through

right okay yeah you get it I'm tracking

yeah unfortunately

he gets back in the vagina it's less

luckily less graphic this time

he sees the naked girl again we do

confirm it is horns Not bunny ears and

when he'd been like describing her

earlier to Stacy she was like oh it

sounds like my imaginary friend from

childhood her imaginary friend lives on

her vagina

um the imaginary friend's name is fig

okay yep

and then fig

and Steve are just like walking through

town naked no I well he has the camping

oh right don't be a fool Hannah my

apology why would Steve still be naked

head out of your ass is she clothed or

is she still naked that feels like a

valid question fig yeah because she was

naked when he got there right the first

time well yeah she's still naked that's

just her life okay well carry on fig

good for you girl

I don't think they fig is also someone

who's eccentric in a way that I'm like

I'm not rooting for anyone in this book

um

like they're walking through town

they're really going on a topography

Journey at this point

um

and they're walking through town he has

his digital camera he's taking photos

there's like dilapidated houses that

have turned black at one point and he's

like what what are those and she's like

oh that's that was the cancer and I was

like did Stacy have cancer is that like

doesn't [ __ ] make sense

what questions do you have I don't

[Laughter]

okay all right

okay I really love the opportunity to

make you feel uncomfy

I am happy that you're happy

and uh my primary question is what kind

of two-bit [ __ ] charlatan of a doctor

did she go to with her cancer that they

didn't notice she had an entire universe

in her goddamn vagina did she go to a

doctor

you're making a lot of assumptions

I did make an assumption you're right

you're right you're right

hmm maybe the townspeople fixed it

before she had to go

we're really filling in a lot of details

that Carly left out does that mean she's

never had a pap smear

I just had one recently so I guess it's

on the brain I don't know did I tell you

it was like my like second OB

appointment Once I Was Pregnant they're

like when is your last pap smear and I

was like uh

when I lived in Nashville and I lived in

Nashville until like before the pandemic

and they're like oh

so it's time do you want us to do that

now

Hannah my husband was at these

appointments with me because I was

pregnant

and the crank sound

sorry I'm sorry can I just look over my

husband sitting in the corner through

his eye too so big and I was like listen

like we have a very healthy relationship

but it was just one of those words like

I never

I never saw this in my future

you know what I mean

yeah no I don't think I would want my

husband to be present no and like he was

pregnant the month before when they'd

like shove the wand up my cuckoo sure to

confirm that I was having a kid

that's different though yeah the crank

sound on the metal duck lips

that will get you every time

yeah

the funniest part was they really loved

Vance at these appointments like he was

just vibing they were having a great

time with him

that's adorable

I hope he wasn't traumatized by that

experience no I'm sure there were plenty

of other things that have traumatized

him worse throughout the childbearing

journey sure

um

I forgot what I was gonna say yeah

people but people just really love fans

he's a good hang he is yeah yeah I could

agree we're in that way where I'm like

this feels like maybe not the moment but

here we are at we got all the way around

but I was just curious like I feel like

if a doctor had done a pap smear they

would notice that she had a [ __ ]

what's that called portal

in her vagina

um isn't that something you'd notice if

you were trying to you're less focused

on the cancer more focused on any sort

of vaginal Health yeah exam yeah

resulting in this discovering the cancer

yeah

well I do think like it stretched really

wide

your hand motion though for those who

couldn't see Chelsea did like a double

fist pull apart

like

like playing with silly buddies no not

The Laffy Taffy oh

anybody remember that song shake that

laffy taffy yeah that's what it's about

you're welcome

well all I could think of was that our

recruiting team at work on Fridays for a

while one of the girls on our team would

um do Laffy Taffy joke Friday nope and

then we would all just start like

telling like really ridiculous like

I told like

um oh what was it like

there I had there were so many good ones

over time I'll have to find them and

tell them I just remember there was one

one oh why are there Pop Tarts but no

Mom tarts

because of the patriarchy

oh I love that right it was a solid one

yeah um but then one week she's like hey

Chelsea will you kick it off so I sent

to shake that laffy taffy gift

in our company chat that has like 60

people on it and I'm like you're welcome

lean into it I'm also like to be fair

she didn't know me well enough to I was

like no that that maybe not I might not

be the person right to set the tone

yes yeah like for a corporate anything I

might all set the tone all right I don't

know if it's the tone you're looking for

don't threaten me with a good time right

um so they're walking

oh God yeah I forgot that we're still

reviewing this book so they're walking

um

fig yeah tells them about the distorted

houses being cancer they're also like

skeletons in town walking around that

are kind of like the undead corpses that

are the same kind that as the one who

climbed out of her vagina okay

um

fig brings him home and like her like

family lives in this like mansion on top

of the hill so is everybody naked I'm

stuck

I don't know if we know or maybe we do

know and I wasn't paying attention I'm

just gonna see but I think very much

like just think like culturally right it

wouldn't matter

it's just like the norm sure Steve's

probably the weirdo for wearing camping

attire I'm just gonna assume everybody

he feels like a putz he is a putt well

he is for a lot of reasons

um yeah so

he goes home with fig to her mansion and

she's like you have to play with me like

my mom said you'll be my friend and play

with me forever and like this is [ __ ]

weird yikes

um and then it says they they do crafts

together

okay like some some clay work like

macaroni that energy like not everyone

had the same craft okay and then he's

like yeah we played and she's like no

that's not what I mean and so like he

tries to leave and fig won't let him

she's like no you're mine and like tell

like six all of the skeleton people on

him and grabs him and throws him in the

bottom of a mine what

okay

I'm just at this point I've just

accepted that none of it's gonna make

sense and it's gonna be ridiculous and

I'm just I am strapped in for the

journey so he's in the bottom of a mine

okay I'm here I'm with it Daddy so he's

down there for a while

okay I don't know quite how long but a

good while to the point that it at some

point in time

his skeleton

and Bones separate from his body

ew

I love that that ew you know no more

response is needed ew it does make me

think of I there's somebody I know that

um used to do a lot of drugs and doesn't

anymore and he was like yeah cocaine was

never really my thing but once I did so

much of it I felt like my skeleton was

vibrating so I just laid really still on

the floor and I was like that doesn't

sound like a good time but I'm just

imagining like he's laying there in his

skeleton like vibrates out of his body

I think if I'm remembering correctly

it's like his back opened up oh and the

bones came out oh and then it seem like

his bones became a skeleton person

that's brutal yeah

so uh oh after all of this has happened

fig lets him out of the mine

and he's still like I like wanting to go

home also like the walkie-talkies like

haven't really been working super well

because you know I forgot about the

walkie-talkie you get it yes

trans-dimensional walkie-talkie use I

could imagine would be pretty tricky one

thousand percent yeah

um

so fig lets him out they're standing

there and then suddenly there's an

earthquake and he realizes that Stacy's

having sex with someone who's not him

and so he just went earthquake to sex

or were there other indications probably

Anna

Mike how would you know an earthquake

could just be an earthquake well maybe

it was the lake of sperm that started to

flood the land

you weren't ready no

that would be a pretty good indication

that maybe

maybe yeah yeah and then he's pissed

because he's like I haven't been down

here that long for like Stacy to like be

cheating on me I'm like I don't really

feel like Stacy ever gave a [ __ ] about

you

right why would she send you into her

haunted vagina if she cared about you

yes and then tell you not to get out

because she had already put her pants on

she didn't wait for you to get out

well because once again it didn't seem

like he was in there that that long like

I get if you're like hey

it's been a couple days like I need to

go home yeah like

we've missed check out on this hotel at

least wear a dress you know that would

be the considerate thing although I

don't know she did she only brought

jeans to the hotel you know sure

um yeah so I think he starts to realize

that maybe Stacy's is a little bit of a

selfish [ __ ] sure

the lake of sperm would be a pretty good

indication I really hate that that just

came out of my mouth but

well and then apparently like the sky

changes colors or something and then

everyone is cheering because it means

Stacy is now pregnant

and so now what but because she's

pregnant his tunnel home

his channel

is no longer so he's just like stuck in

her vagina world but vaginas are still

there when a person gets pregnant

but I think he might now be in the

embryo

oh sure

sure

just made eye contact and lost it all

right okay

how did never mind it doesn't matter you

know so it's like she's pregnant now so

now apparently he can't get home and

then he's also like bummed that she

cheated on him but it's also a little

bit like that's just like Stacy to to do

something like this then why were you

with her yes the whole time she's the

worst

um so fig is like well now you can

definitely play with me and you're here

and then he's like we already did crafts

and she's like that's not what I mean

apparently playing means [ __ ]

obviously yes

um

oh God a note I wrote and I apologize in

advance they're [ __ ]

the anatomy involved it's described as

hot jelly or rubber

[Laughter]

oh no

oh my God I forgot I'm literally crying

I can't

jelly

I had this friend in college

what the [ __ ]

I can think about now they used to make

peanut butter and jelly

but he would make it like a grilled

cheese and he called it a stoner's

delight and you said hot jelly and all I

could think of was the stoner's Delight

because it was it was hot chocolate I

was thinking like hot pepper jelly like

the kind that you like put over like

cream cheese and put out on a party

um neither is great also rubber cement

that would be

a distinct odor like hot rubber cement

would be a distinct odor oh okay

um so then they [ __ ] it's

horrible descriptors

and then she's like you love me like fig

is like you love me and he's like what

and she's like you changed your body for

me and he's like not intentionally I was

thrown into the bottom of a mine like

whoa so he couldn't have a skeleton to

be with her

yes so and then she was like no that

happened because you belonged to me and

then we learned that apparently when a

female is within the vicinity of like

a male that she wants

she releases like a special pheromone to

alter his DNA to match hers

okay

so now they're together so are all the

skeletons that are wandering around

other men that have fallen into this

[ __ ] Universe oh God are they all the

college they've been fallen into her

vagina

that's what I just thought where did all

the skeletons come from I thought it was

the universe

but I mean because fig is her imaginary

friend

well and so okay we're at we're almost

at the end oh dear yeah okay um he

marries fig

okay

um fig gets pregs

okay

I know

I feel the same

like is this an Inception thing there's

pregnancy inside pregnancy inside

pregnancy

well so they start fixing up one of the

abandoned parts of the mansion that's in

the cuckoo

um and then while they're fixing it up

Steve finds the walkie-talkie like he's

been there long enough like he like

forgot and like has like right he's

really been living in there for a long

time now

and the walkie-talkie works and like

there's like a crackling and Stacy

answers and she's like like apparently

the baby daddy that she's pregnant with

his kid was like oh Rando at a bar

because she was pissed because she could

tell she was jealous because she could

tell that Steve and fig had fallen in

love

because

figs she like Stacy had historically

heard fig crying and there was like oh a

mournful wailing and then it turned into

a happy song Once Steve was in her

[Laughter]

so Stacy got jealous and went and [ __ ]

a rando at a bar

um and then Stacey like I want to see

you again and he's like I've moved on

and she's like are you happy

he's like yeah and then she's like I'll

always be with you

and then like the walkie-talkie cuts out

like she like turned it off and he's

like classic Stacy never let me finish a

sentence

and that's the end of the book

um

okay

you weren't ready

I wasn't right yeah did we mention why

this book was chosen to be reviewed

shout out to a man named Drew one of our

dear co-workers yep one of Hannah's

former co-workers one of my current

co-workers there's a old group chat when

we were all on the same team that was

like The Sassy side chat if you will

that was called the Chamber of Secrets

yep I'm still in it yeah what's yeah

it's super funny because there's three

of us who are still like actively

full-time employed with our company and

then there's Hannah who is minimally

part-time employed with our company but

she's still in the group chat yep so

like we'll like put work things

sometimes then every now and then Hannah

just like Pops in but I just randomly

get the notifications

like not consistently no oh that's funny

well it's also not like consistently

used so it might you may actually be

getting more than you realized who knows

um but yeah Drew was like hey I have a

book for you guys to review yeah he

wanted to sponsor this episode for this

and Chelsea chose to take the bullet for

the team

yeah

this this episode

he hasn't paid us yet hahaha

at the time of this recording he hasn't

paid us yet I did tell him after reading

the book that I had to up the

sponsorship rate for the emotional

distress that this book called me and

his exact response was oh my God you

actually read it and I'm like the [ __ ]

um I told you I would

I'm like I'm very grateful that you did

this yeah I'm like we don't joke when it

comes to smut we don't we joke about a

lot of things obviously for those that

have followed the podcast but Smart's

not one of them

we will laugh at this month but not like

we I'm like no I will I will read some

garbage don't threaten me with a good

time

um this one was not a good time

what what are we looking at here is this

walkie-talkies like our our writing

scale is it walkie-talkies is it It's

gotta be that skeletons is it figs

that feels like college boys at a bar

walkie-talkies feel safe sure

but I do like skeletons

how many bones are in the human

203 what 200 I just said 106 and you

said 203 and those feel like very

different numbers I'm looking it up look

it up

I have now having the song spooky scary

skeleton stuck in my head because we've

said skeletons so many times how many

spooky scary skeletons

206. oh we were both wrong I got this

thing because I remember seeing like a

Valentine's Day card a long time ago

that said the human body has 206 bones

and when you open it said when I'm with

you I have 207. no not like that it's a

solid card I respect that play

um

so we can do skeleton bones okay out of

206 sure

ten oh

20 out of 200 is 10 percent

yes

um I was gonna say do we give a bone for

every page

so 79 out of 206 that might be too

generous that feels generous

I need to because that would be 40 damn

I'm not I'm not positive about that but

it felt good when I said it

I think I did that math wrong yeah I

definitely did that math

you you were very close it was

38.34

thank you thank you very much um yeah

that's

too too high that's that's too generous

I'm

15 out of 206 bones is my final offer

okay

um

from

from the retelling I gave you do you

feel like that that is an appropriate

score

uh yeah yeah I would be curious to learn

from Carly what his goal and intention

was here what his inspiration was I have

a lot of questions about where this

story came from and not just where the

story came from but why he felt the need

to tell it

you know

probably because he misses Andre the

Giant

um

so other books written by him

oh no okay um other books written by him

Satan Burger

ape [ __ ]

the baby Jesus butt plug

the cannibals of Candyland

and every time we meet at the Dairy

Queen your whole [ __ ] face explodes

what the menstruating Mall

razor wire pubic hair

War [ __ ]

I knocked up Satan's daughter

good for you the morbidly obese Ninja

sausagey Santa

I don't like that cuddly Holocaust no

fantastic orgy

Adolf and Wonderland

no the big meat

m-e-a-t no no

um spider bunny

Ultra [ __ ]

spider bunny doesn't sound like a good

time to me

I don't know as she stabbed Me Gently in

the face

tumor fruit

electric Jesus corpse

I honestly there are so many more than I

anticipated

electric Jesus corpse sounds like a like

a college dropouts Garage Band like he

moved back with it in with his mom

they're always just a few shows away

from making it yeah exactly

yeah electric Jesus corpse

like that could be a name from like uh

Andy from Parks and Recreation when he's

trying to name his band jet black pope

mouse rat electric Jesus rap Mouse

that could be on the list

1 000 yeah

um

I just also need you to know I probably

scrolled past at least 10 to 15 books

that I didn't read the names of and then

I put my phone down so I could keep

engaging so Carly is a prolific author

he's got a hell of a catalog there

I

I hope Carly's doing okay the the title

of these books make me think Carly's not

doing okay

yeah also most of these books were from

like

2008. Carly where are you now are you

doing all right please I kind of want to

know but I'm also a little concerned to

know yeah

um but

out of 206 bones hmm

because quite frankly it's not 207 I was

flaccided the whole time reading

said pass

saying there was nothing about this book

at any point that I was like

I'm feeling slightly aroused sure no

like

and that happens when you read smut for

obvious reasons right this was not one

of those books there's a usually at

least one moment of oh

yes

not in this one nope nope nope I also

need you to know I was working on the

outline of this book when I should have

been paying attention in a work meeting

um

and I just kept not being prepared for

what was that like to the point where I

realized I was sitting with my hand over

my mouth scrolling while I read that I

was like oh [ __ ] I'm on camera

um

yeah when

when she was just

when her vagina casually stretched the

point that like she could just go elbow

deep up in there

which was so early on

I'm just I'm just dumbfounded and I feel

like I'm processing that I'm dumbfounded

more than I'm processing anything that

actually happened yeah I'm all so

dumbfounded that's that's a good word

and I'm gonna be

um in a conference next week

Friday Saturday Sunday

and I fully intend to be outlining books

while I'm in that conference so are you

going to outline

Ultra [ __ ]

or

what other books do we have here

I'm just scrolling through Carlton

Melton you could you could also do ape

[ __ ] sure I think we've had a couple of

other requests or suggestions maybe I'll

take a look at to do while I'm supposed

to be learning and continuing my

education I was gonna say what is the

it's a supervisor training supervision

oh are you gonna do become a supervisor

oh that's so exciting

I've thought about it

and then I don't know if I want to yeah

we'll see how it goes but I'm not paying

for it so I'm leaning in even better yep

yes if I weren't paying for it

I would be more inclined to become a

supervisor

um okay 15 out of 206 not 207 bones

send us all of your recommendations let

us know your thoughts yes process with

us if you are also dumbfounded let us

know your thoughts but also please send

thoughts and prayers because I'm really

um but thank you for coming on the

journey with us don't forget to like And

subscribe we promise there is a wide

variety not all books are like this if

this is your first experience of smart

club I'm sorry

um but and thank you yeah and thank you

smut puppies we're happy you're here

smut [ __ ] yes that was the other one I

was like what what are our options yeah

let us know what you want us to review

don't forget to like And subscribe we

can't wait to see y'all soon have a

great day bye y'all

for this week's

weeks we hope it was

because it sure was great for us

if you're digging what we're doing it

would mean a lot if you'd take a minute

to rate and review the show wherever

you're listening right now

you tell that sexy someone to Linda

senir

we love you we appreciate you

we'll see you next week

stay spotty

[Music]