Smut Club

foreign

[Music]

what time it is

ladies and

check Guys and Dolls and everyone in

between

gather round

something real nice to sip on and comfy

to slip on

cause it's time for smut Club

here's your hosts Chelsea and Anna

[Music]

there she is

nailed it he's gonna be like so pissed

like which clap is it

that one hello everyone hi y'all welcome

to season two of smart club yay praise

hands

um we're back I had a kid you did a real

human baby a real human baby as of the

time that we're recording this I had him

a little over two months ago

he's a cute little [ __ ] he is he is

we we love him we're

if anyone tells you you just bounce back

after having a baby those [ __ ] are

liars yeah that is not true

um we're so excited to be able to like

get back into things we weren't sure how

it was going to go after having a baby

but

we're here we're having a not we're

having a baby we already had a baby

um we're having a podcast we're having a

podcast we're having a season two of a

podcast a podcast that we love it's been

really sweet to read y'all's comments

and excitement about season two

um if you don't already go ahead and

subscribe go ahead and give us a rating

if you love us if you want to share us

with people

um it really does help so if it's

like if it's not an inconvenience to you

um I've been working on that I'm not

good at it but I'm like I don't want to

inconvenience you

think we don't want to inconvenience our

listeners and also we would love it if

you did

um when we were having one of our baby

showers and we were visiting our family

in Nashville and

um there's this Thai restaurant that I

used to love when we lived in Nashville

and when my brother-in-law mentioned

Thai food I was like all I could picture

was their drunken fried rice I'm like 30

weeks pregnant not all I wanted was

their drunken fried rice and he was like

oh actually if we're gonna do Thai food

why don't we do this place that's down

by Taylor's work because they're like

Curious to die for and I like was like

oh no like

all I want and I was like actually

could we get like this other place

instead

and I was on the phone with Vance that

night because he wasn't in town yet and

I was like my aunts I felt so aggressive

I was like I was like I was like

actually can we get this place instead

and because like I guarantee you my love

not a single person

thought you were aggressive nobody

noticed

yeah if anything they were like

get the pregnant woman what she wants

right and no one cared

um

but we're really excited to be back

we're really excited to do this again

we're really excited to you know

hopefully get our Boda box sponsored the

season today we're drinking the dry rose

we're not sponsored by butter box but

it'd be a lot cooler if we were yeah

hitting my mic with it and

listen

I the day we got discharged from the

hospital I checked one of my best

friends and just said all the texts said

wine is the best

and she was like it is she's like you

doing okay having a baby I'm like now

that I can drink again okay also when we

were at the hospital the lactation

consultant was like

she's like breastfeeding the letdown of

breastfeeding you won't even want your

wine and I was like her name was Kitty

and I want to be like shut the [ __ ] up

kitty you've clearly never met me Vance

was sitting there and just like the look

on his face was like he was trying to

keep a [ __ ] together and he's like

don't tell my wife she won't want wine

like oh breastfeeding that's so much

better than alcohol

said no one ever no one except Kitty

apparently

Kitty had the personality of someone

named Kitty that's the kindest way I can

say I hope she's doing well

shout out to Kitty shout out to Kitty

the lactation specialist she was very

informative outside of

understanding how much I love wine

I don't have a problem right right yeah

I tell you

you know you are the substance abuse

specialist you would know I would I

would yeah we're good we're good perfect

if we're not well no so all right today

our our first episode back we are going

to review my killer Vacation by Tessa

Bailey do you just want to hold your

wine would that be easier

just just commit just I'm just gonna

we're in a new setup from where we were

uh last season and so now we have to be

a little more careful with our mics and

our wine but we also get to have my dog

he's like the the smut [ __ ] mascot he is

look at him the sweet angel so all right

my killer Vacation by Tessa Bailey

excellent

um I thought it was super fun and I

don't think that was just my hormones

after and the sleep deprivation after

having a baby so

we open

with Taylor

that found sounds so underwhelming

I feel like

well I also feel like Taylor isn't a

name that's used very commonly no in

Romance no yeah I'm like it's just a

very normal I have a sister named Taylor

it's just like a very normal name yeah

I feel like it's not romantic no now I'm

trying to think of romance Simone

yeah

like um

I just read one with an Alex but it was

spelled with an i

that felt silly I feel like they love

doing that they really do they really

love changing one letter

to make the name like special

it's not and you know what it's not

special

if anything it just means you'll never

be able to get your name on a keychain

at Disney correct

Chelsea and Hannah don't have that

problem we can definitely find keychains

my husband is Vance no he won't get one

no I think they could special make him

can you get them specially mate oh I'm

sure you can

do we care enough probably not okay fair

so anyway Taylor

Sorry to my sister

there's nothing against your name I love

you

but also Taylor

so she is a type A Elementary School

teacher

um who is on a vacation to Cape Cod with

her brother Jude

um okay we find out it's actually really

funny why she's like took her brother on

vacation we'll get there in a second um

but she like is like very Thrifty and

like pinched pennies like for this like

very nice vacation and they they get to

the rental and they walk in and she's

like what a beautiful place in Cape Cod

weird smell

beautiful place weird smell uh and so

then she's like all right we got here

I'm gonna go take a bath and then do you

ever do that thing in a book where like

you're reading and you're like why are

we why is this detail like is this an

important detail and every now and then

I'm like I bet it is and it's absolutely

not it's just information that for some

reason the author felt I needed which I

absolutely did not so you will need it

but I was gonna say this feels like it's

necessary but no there are times that

you're like oh this is the clue where

the book is going and then later you're

like what happened it was five pages of

my life I can't get back right

so there's a weird smell noted and then

she goes to take a bath and notices that

there's like two holes in the ceiling

that like look like peoples nope don't

like that and she's like um I feel

uncomfy and so she like goes and gets

her brother and she's like can you check

like is there a camera set up is there

someone up there and he's like it's not

that big of a space it has to be a

relatively tiny human so it's totally a

child's not spying on you you're good

and she's like okay in that case I'm

gonna go I'm gonna get some tape to

cover the holes just for my own sanity

and so she's like I'm gonna go to the

laundry room because that feels like

where they'd have utility stuff so she

opens the laundry room door and finds a

dead body

hence the smell yeah there you go that

was the smell

I've I've never smelled a dead body hmm

you know I guess it's not heavy I guess

it wouldn't be like a common smell

because I feel like it's not like you'd

walk in and be like this is a weird

smell

I recognize this one right unless you're

like a homicide detective or a coroner I

can't imagine that that's a smell that

you would just automatically know do you

think coroners start Medical School

thinking they want to be Corners I'm

sure some do

but maybe not all of them I always think

of Scrubs when it was Doug who like kept

killing his patients and so he thrived

as a coroner because he could figure out

everyone's cause of death like upstairs

they used to call that a Doug

see I'm thinking about when um Aubry

Plaza in um Parks and Rec was trying to

figure out what she wanted to do with

her life and went to the funeral home

and Ben was like aha

so when I was in grad school I took one

of my courses was called death and dying

yes I took that yes did you go on a

field trip to a funeral home no no I

missed out

oh yeah I think mine was called Aging

and death

um

yes we went on a field trip to a funeral

home and it was so cold when we watched

it we're like it is cold in here and our

professor and she's like that's to

preserve the bodies and she just walked

away like oh breathy and quiet for you

she was that like so because I went to

Seminary so like it was a very

conservative group and she was that just

like old woman who didn't give a [ __ ]

and would say anything and she was like

talking about her hometown one time

she's like yeah they had a statue very

phallic and just continued and I loved

her but there were people who were like

I can't believe she said that and I'm

like

you should have more professors that are

just fun like this yes because you

remember them and what they say

yes yes so much so but yeah she was like

that's to preserve the bodies and then

just walked away like a mic drop that is

absolutely the energy that I want as I

get older that's what I want

I think you're already on your way thank

you yeah that might be the nicest thing

you've ever said to me surely that's not

the nicest thing I've ever said to you I

mean it's the one that I treasure the

most that's a shitty friend

dad

what did I what did I we were texting

recently and I said something I was like

I am who I am like I feel no judge

you're like I feel no shame you're like

maybe you should and she was like damn

Hannah and I have to tell you

I have to tell you my anxiety for some

reason like after I sent that text

something happened at work and my

anxiety like shot up and for some reason

I fixated on that interaction

and I told one of my friends I was like

What if I really hurt Chelsea's feelings

and she was like Hannah you did not

like Anna you did not she's not mad and

then the next day she was like you heard

from Chelsea didn't you and I was like

yeah she didn't say anything I think

it's okay

bless it I do think at that moment I was

a little sleep deprived after having a

baby and I was like damn and then I was

like Hannah didn't mean anything by it

and then I moved on with my life yeah I

didn't for like 24 hours

anyway sorry

this book and after we record this I

have to feed my baby so so we are a more

of a time crunch than we were on season

one

kids man they'll do it

so what happens after she found her body

you know we should get there so the

police come and show up and they're like

oh the the dead guy was the owner of the

house his name was Oscar and the police

are like oh yeah there was actually I

think his name was officer right Officer

right is one of my favorite Side

characters he has a big mouth in this

book

um but he's like oh yeah there's

actually a dispute last week because

there was a Peeping Tom those holes were

not accidental and it was like a

bachelorette party or something staying

there and what like the girl who

realized that like her dad showed up and

like had a big altercation with the

owner of the house so they're like lead

suspect that dude right

um then the owner's sister shows up Lisa

and Taylor thinks she's like kind of

fishy because she's like really like

dramatic but she's not crying at all

about

all of this and so she's like

what are are you actually sad your

brother died right um because Taylor

listens to a lot of True Crime podcasts

so she's like I can solve this murder we

support that she's like a second grade

teacher who's like

is it I feel like it's like an audio

clip from Elise Myers that's like yes I

was like born with a gene that I think

there's nothing I can't do at least

semi-decent like that's the energy

Taylor's giving of like I can solve this

murder it's making me think of uh that

Tick Tock I saw recently where she was

like this girl had a a booklet of like

if I go missing or I'm found murdered

and it was like a list of potential

suspects like all her ex-boyfriends and

her she was like also my mother because

she recently said I wish I had never had

you you are a nightmare and she was like

a kindergarten teacher and she's like

also here's some of my DNA here's a

picture of me in full makeup looking

really pretty for Dateline here's one

with no makeup for the police so they

can actually identify me here's my

fingerprints and she's like

she's like if you don't have one clearly

you haven't listened to any True Crime

podcast should we all be making murder

binders that's what I was I was like

like we laugh but then I'm like I've

heard worse ideas okay

Maybe

I'll make one

we'll find out

um So Lisa the owner's sister is like we

actually like there are several airbnbs

on this road that we own

I'm so sorry for the inconvenience of My

Dead Brother

um why don't you stay at one very

Chelsea energy I'm so sorry for the

inconvenience it's true and she said why

don't you say one of the other airbnbs

so you can still have a vacation

um and she's like my boyfriend

um has a friend who's like a a pi who

I'm gonna see if he can come and help

look into this because she's like I

don't think it was the father of the

bachelorette party girl but

the police are probably not going to

look into it as diligently

and so Taylor's like I'm gonna solve

this and like steals the guest book to

the Airbnb on the way out the door so

she can see everyone who stayed there

for suspects isn't that obstruction of

justice

like tampering with evidence did the

police take it no good point she had to

do what she needed to do oh and actually

now that I say that I imagine Airbnb

would have the records it's not like

they need the guest book

I do have a whole side tangent about

booking through Airbnb but that's

neither here nor there we on a time

crunch because children just the one

just because child yep who I love

a lot

but damn I wish he would nap longer

okay so now we meet miles miles is not

actually Pi miles is a bounty hunter

nice yes he's like 34 long hair

y tough where's

steel-toed boots like biker energy yeah

Bounty Hunter yeah energy yeah

I think I was reading a Kristen Ashley

book and someone was a bounty hunter

they said that he looked like whoever

that is it Dog the Bounty Hunter no and

absolutely and they were like he was so

hot like Dog the Bounty Hunter I'm like

not not my energy no

I was like that's a very specific type

of attractive

and I love that people can find each

other

um

more power to them yeah he was giving

hot Bounty Hunter energy miles is not

Dog the Bounty Hunter energy noted

he is the Lisa's boyfriend's friend like

childhood friend who's doing him a favor

and came to investigate

um

we know he's divorced he's in his

mid-30s

um he goes like he shows up to

investigate sees Taylor insta lust just

thinks she's like the cutest little

thing classic yes calls her half pint

the whole book

it's cute okay I promise

I thought it was cute

it is I guess you can read it and come

up to your with your own conclusions I

don't need to tell you if it's cute or

not I found it cute while reading I mean

I think that's when they could go either

way depending on the spirit in which it

said you know what I mean like that

could be very like condescending or very

sweet

yeah it's like the it's

it's hot if you're into them it's creepy

if you're not yes yes absolutely

um so Taylor is like let me help with

this investigation he like completely

brushes her off and she's like well you

know I'm the one who found the dead body

so like you probably want me around

I don't mean to brag but

yeah I am the sleuth who uncovered the

dead body and she's like did you notice

the peoples like it's like really trying

to like that wasn't a euphemism I know

but it's just gross to think about

people's in the bathroom

yeah that's just gross the bedroom I

don't know it doesn't matter the master

suite yeah you know what that's

right is it better if you're there's a

Peeping Tom in the bedroom or the

bathroom

I no okay we are gonna be here forever

so

he's like all right maybe I should like

actually because she's like maybe I have

the guest book I don't know I mean like

I could be helpful wink wink he goes

over to their new rental and like meets

her brother Jude

um and Jude explains that Taylor paid

for them to go on this vacation because

he lost someone close to him and she

wanted to make him feel better

Hannah this is one of my favorite

unnecessary details in the entire book

the person the someone he lost that was

close to him because it's not a person

it was a panda

named Bartholomew

because he's a panda caretaker

Panda caretaker oh I didn't know that

was a job in the U.S that's literally

what I was just thinking like have I

gone astray with my entire life should I

have been a panda caretaker the obvious

answer is no because I'm not good at

Outdoors things but I don't think it's

really that outdoorsy I would I would

just like to introduce myself as a panda

caretaker maybe I will anyway my husband

and I have been talking I know like

saying spirit animals like cultural

appropriation no

um but just like his favorite animal per

continent

um the animal he identifies most with

per continent okay okay and so his like

Asian

animal that he identifies with

absolutely is a pan right absolutely

Panda Antarctica he's a penguin

Australia okay

is that how you say it oh yeah yeah yeah

they're so happy and cute they are isn't

that Vance it is yeah it is he

absolutely does have Panda energy though

yes I'm never going to be able to

unthink that oh no we like watched a

tick tock of a panda just rolling around

recently and he's like [ __ ] with that

man

so all right the next day miles goes

back to the house to investigate he like

goes like across the barrier tape I

don't cry crime scene tape yep you knew

what I meant

um he finds Taylor in the house also

investigating and then when she goes to

leave they notice there's like a

floorboard loose and so they both go for

it at the same time and they find like

an envelope in it with a letter that's

like a threatening letter but miles gets

to know and he reads it and he's a lot

taller than Taylor and like tries like

wrestle it and like hold it above her

head they end up wrestling

of course they do he grabs it from her

they fall to the floor

her nip pops out I'm sorry

what yeah well you know it's it's a

Beach vacation oh are we in like a

bikini top or want to just say it was a

tank top

I don't know to be fair I could go back

it doesn't matter that much

you're like gotta pull it up in case my

nip pops out well that's literally

literally it's like well because I have

bigger boobs and so generally speaking

I'm like locked and loaded at all times

and so I can't imagine having just an

accidental nip slip outside of my home

you know I don't have big boobs

well now that I'm breastfeeding

everyone's just gonna get to know me

really well in season two let's do it

yeah

um no I went from like a b to a triple D

no oh no I was not emotionally prepared

for that no no

also that is that is my dog snoring

between us yep

um good job buddy what I have written

her knit pops out he circles them with

his fingers

both of them popped out or just one it

doesn't matter oh you know I did put

nips plural both

well they were wrestling Hannah her nips

popped out and he circled them with his

finger and then doing the hand motions

is killing me just

and then right as they're kind of about

to make out they hear like a sound at

the door that kind of like ruins the

moment snaps them out of it sure so at

the door the mayor and her assistant are

there

um and doing a news report on the

dangers of rental properties because

that's like the mayor's whole platform

is like how like rental properties like

short-term rentals are dangerous and

like ruining the Safe Community it's

like her like re-election platform so

the mayor and her sister are there like

standing outside the door to record

about the dangers of rentals

you know they're so dangerous super

dangerous yeah

um

miles goes and like talks like the

Airbnb like the bachelorette party

girl's dad

um and it's like I don't think it was

him but he's also like I need to get

some distance from Taylor and her nips

sure

well Brandon snoring is like punctuating

it's nice

his snore is really cute it is super

cute I do love that about him so while

miles is away interviewing the dad

Taylor calls him and it's like

I found the murder weapon

suck it right and he's like wait what

and she's like yeah I was at a barbecue

on the beach and I found it that like

they like the murder weapon was like

thrown in the bushes on the beach

and Miles was like stay exactly where

you are do not pass go do not do not be

heroic you are an elementary school

teacher quick reminder yes

and so he's like stay where you are

don't do anything I will be right there

so he goes to the beach and he's like

very relieved to see that she's safe to

see that she's okay but she's kind of

like

listen one minute you're telling me to

get the [ __ ] out of your face the next

minute you're circling my nips

I'm done with the hot and cold so she

walks off and then like he's like oh no

no wait come back yeah my bad I didn't

no don't do that

um and

so she's like power walking back to her

Airbnb and he's following her and

realize like

no wait not I love you but like I'm into

that I'd love to Bone you sure

um but starts to tell her why he's

emotionally unavailable we found

we like he's like trying to give her

something like get her to stop walking

okay

and we find out that like he he didn't

like

he feels like he botched a case when he

was a police officer back in Boston

um where he like pursued the wrong

suspect it was someone else and so he it

like [ __ ] with him enough that like he

quit being a police officer and started

being a bounty hunter

um but he's like that's why I'm

emotionally unavailable and she's like

you have the emotional availability of a

banana

which I really love that description but

then his retort was you're a spring

bridezilla waiting to happen

oh

that's like my new favorite insult oh

yeah he was like you're a spring wedding

bridezilla waiting to happen and she's

like oh she gasps a lot in shock an

indignation I love that yeah and then

she's like there's no shame in wanting a

family who goes to Disney matching

t-shirts there is though

is there shame in that or is it just not

for you

ah

I mean it's definitely not for me

obviously

but also maybe it's because I grew up in

Orlando uh that's also Fair that's like

it's it's tainting my definition of

Shame around Disney

no that's

that's a very

that's very insightful

thank you yeah you're welcome

um but then she's like I'm not trying to

give spring wedding Brazil energy I'm

trying to give big sex kitten energy

and failing yeah and he's like pull your

nips out again see how see if that works

well and then there's like this like

moment where she's like asks him to

teach her

what she wants

it's like my least favorite Trope where

it's like teach me how like I I don't

know why she's like

yeah I think she's well one of the

things she says is that like all the

guys that she's historically dated are

like

have a marriage mindset and she's like

it's all kind of lackluster she's like

help me figure out she's like I think

this is what I want

I don't know he throws her over his

shoulder and takes her inside the house

um

that tracks right

so I don't know why this stood out to me

but so he takes her in the house he

strips her down takes like the arms off

of her bralette he's never seen a

bralette before so he was a little he's

like oh

she's even cuter okay like what

go with me on the logistics of this okay

because he takes the arms off and

instead of pulling it over her head he

has her shimmy it down her whole body

and take it off her ankles

why though

also maybe I just got big hips yeah but

I feel like

I feel like that gets really unsexy yes

really fast also stretching out my

bralette

oh touche there's that as well yeah

because I've got

there's this you know some of us have

things down there not things

go on

some of us have wider hips or a bigger

ass

so what other things

I don't know you're like just just the

hips and ass

and so

oh yeah so he's like bend over and like

take the bralette off from your ankles I

need to stay on my mic I keep moving get

to get closer to you because I don't

know why I knew you felt like I needed

to lean in to say that

um so she bends over to take the brother

off and he keeps her bench over

pulls her underwear

we calls her [ __ ]

cute

he's like hey she has a cute [ __ ]

I like was telling my husband like my

Allied and like that and he was like I

have questions he's like like her

literal [ __ ] or like the whole ass

because I could see like the whole ass

being cute but like but I feel like if

I'm remembering correctly he pulled her

underwear to the side sure

and thought she had a cute [ __ ] I

also feel like at some point he says she

was like tight and ripe where it counts

or something which I hated

I actually like this book but I

was not a fan of that line

um I'm like our cute [ __ ] our rating

scale like

I just think what makes it cute the

Pucker

it's absolutely the Pucker

oh

no I just I honestly spent a lot of time

thinking about that I was like you know

maybe it's just a thing we don't kink

shame we don't and I do have questions

it's just an it's an oddly specific

thing to say about an [ __ ]

so I don't know he calls her [ __ ]

cute he spanks her a couple times and

then has her give him a [ __ ] but then

like literally the quote that I had was

like lick what you did suck what you did

like look what you did to me

kind of energy

not kind of energy he literally said

Lick what you did suck what you did

okay

you're like like I just sometimes I mean

and I understand obviously this is all

like fiction and whatever but I'm like

we may be giving people a false

expectation of what to expect from a

first hookup because Jesus Christ like

what was that book we reviewed last

season where like I swear homegirl had

like six orgasms the first time they had

sex

no no

no it just it just doesn't do that

yeah like

College Lily

College really thought those were

orgasms uh yeah but I'm like okay fine

so my

I feel like if someone said that to me

during a first hookup

it would lead the moment off course

I would agree yeah yeah so he tells her

to get on the bed but then as they go

into the bedroom a the glass shatters in

the bedroom in a buoy flies through the

window and then

um

Taylor's like even the vandalism is

nautical theme because he's like he's

like why is she making jokes at a time

like this because she's cute yeah

because she's cute we like I really do

the sex gets a little weird at some

parts but like

I feel like that's a lot of these books

but then he like realizes like I think

there's like a threat written like on

the buoy and he's like oh she's actually

in danger I am distracted I can't [ __ ]

this up I need to distance myself from

her

um

the next day there's I have some details

they're not important miles slept on the

porch that night to like make sure she

was safe yes and then over breakfast

um she's like talking to her brother and

then miles like is in the doorway and

he's like don't go anywhere without me

today and she's like well we're going

snorkeling she's like I got a Groupon to

go snorkeling so you can come with us

but that's what we're doing

and then her brother's like can I invite

the dudes from the barbecue from on the

beach from the night before she's like

sure if they want to go strong thing why

not and then he like miles is like I

have to go meet the police like to like

talk about this case and she's like

okay

have fun don't [ __ ] up my snorkel Vibes

right very much what she's like so miles

leaves and then she's like let's leave

for snorkeling early before he gets back

miles shows up at the snorkeling place

after they left him and then Taylor's

like how did you know where we were and

he goes I look for the snorkeling

Groupon with the stupidest name and

figured you would go snorkeling at a

place called something is fishy no

I would too

yeah I'm just saying if you have several

snorkeling options and one has a really

great punny name yep that's the one

I love a good pun

I know I know a lot of people don't like

puns

the look on your faces no I was trying

to think of

um last season we reviewed what was it

birthday girl and the guys was named

after a fish and then wasn't there a um

uh

uh strip joint that had a name that was

similar to something to do with fish it

doesn't matter

I [ __ ] was her name Taylor as well oh my

God it might have been I don't remember

his name it was Pike I remember that

because he was a fish and I got really

stuck on it and I think the the strip

joint was named the hook I think

you have a great memory did you actually

read it because I thought I reviewed

that book you reviewed it

but I will always remember like a punny

ridiculous moment and that felt it to me

also I'm a failed flirt in because I

could not have told you that a pike was

a fish we had to Google it on the

episode I remember I don't remember that

how much wine had I had I don't know but

I was like isn't a pike of fish and we

had to Google it well Vance Googled it

he really keeps us in check he really

does and he's not here now I know

because our baby likes to scream

and we love our baby and my doctor was

like make sure you don't pick your baby

up as soon as he starts crying because

when you let your baby cry it helps

their lung development which helps build

their immunity against future

respiratory illnesses what

so I was saying that and then we were

over at my parents and then my baby

started crying my mom picked him up and

I was like are you the reason I have a

garbage amusement

S have a bad immune system put him down

she goes he can build his immune system

on your time

thanks Mom

whatever I guess that's what

grandparents do

um so anyway they are at something as

fishy the dudes from the barbecue place

are there one of the guys is like

clearly into Taylor a little bit

and they all have to like have a buddy

in the water so he starts to like ask

her to be his partner and then miles is

standing like behind her and it's like

[ __ ] off like like mouthing it over his

head or over her head so the dude's like

had been like Hey Taylor and then miles

like was like [ __ ] off and then she's

like I'm gonna partner with this dude

but I'll catch you on the flippity Flop

nope

and so Taylor and ends up partnering

with miles

and they have this whole banter they

like going to the side cave situation

and but he's also like

this can't be a thing this can't go

further she's like well then don't run

off my prospects he's like did you

really want Mr flippity flop

and she's like no but that's not the

point it's my choice it's the principle

of the matter it's the principle of the

thing we also find out that like

um miles isn't closed with his brother

anymore because he's talking about how

like Jude and Taylor are close

and his brother

was also a police officer or something

in Boston and they were going to open a

pi business together before miles like

lost his [ __ ] after this case went awry

and became a bounty hunter

um

okay this next part I just had a lot of

questions about the logistics I feel

like we always come back to the

logistics

of the sex scenes yeah they're in a cave

at a place called something as fishy

and I feel like that's important because

he picks her up her legs are wrapped

around around his waist he takes off her

rash guard she's luckily wearing a swim

like a bikini top underneath sure

I don't know I feel like a lot of people

like a lot of rash guards have like a

built-in yeah thing so I'm like I

remember the first time I read it I

think I missed that she was wearing a

top underneath so I'm like he just she's

just topless in a cave at a place called

something's fishy no she has like a

little bikini top on right and then

they're like making out and she's

rubbing all up on him and then he

manages to put a condom on

inside his pants

like inside his shorts while she's on

like he's holding her around his waist

um

exactly does he have like

extra hands like I don't know Hannah

this isn't one of your books

I was about to say there's no moth

situation there's no scorpion

there's a human number of hands in this

scene but I'm also like okay even if

you're like

six three you're

250 pounds made of muscle she's five two

right

a hundred pound soaking wet I don't know

how much he weighs I'm making [ __ ] up

here even at that to hold a hundred

pound woman around your waist

while you undo your pants and slide a

condom on

well and it's like did she like take her

weight like did she like tighten her

legs and like maybe put her arms around

his neck and like hold herself up that's

the only way I could see if he wasn't

carrying all of her weight right he

would need both hands to do that I'm

really sorry that I just did that

emotion both hands

both sorry both hands

um

whatever I just was like I was like what

this yeah

I feel like even if she's not holding if

even if she's holding part of her weight

he still needs both hands yeah he does

because they're also I thinking like

knee-deep water

yeah

that would again make it more

challenging I feel

or maybe it wouldn't make it more

challenging I don't know it would be the

same

like well in my head I'm like if you are

fully immersed in the water the buoyancy

would help but I don't feel like they

were

maybe he crossfits

hmm if anybody out there crossfits or

has a partner who does can you please

let us know this maneuver is possible

well considering my husband and I used

to CrossFit

I will also say we don't have that that

large of a weight difference or height

difference you are really tall

feel compared to me well yeah a lot of

people are tall in comparison to you

thank you because I'm five seven and my

husband is six foot

like

I don't know how much more than me he

weighs he weighs a decent amount more

than me and he's a very strong human but

even at that the logistics exactly he

needs both hands to hold me up

for safety maybe miles just didn't care

about her safety and was like if she

falls she falls but this condom's

getting on

the water is fine it's still a mood well

anyways nothing ends up happening he

manages to get the condom on and then

some Screaming starts and Jude got stung

by a jellyfish nice yeah oh because they

hear someone screaming he goes I thought

it was my dick screaming

because there's like this whole book I'm

like not I don't think I like really

described it super well like every scene

that like it where it gets cut short it

feels like edging this whole book feels

like edging one long Edge yes it's like

they circled the nips and like things

where he and then it ended like the buoy

got thrown through the window like the

jellyfish sting like everything is like

oh like it's about to happen and then it

does it

and so when he's like I thought it was

my dick screaming

it was not

like oh poor Jude

you gotta stop hitting on Mike I know

I'm sorry lost

um I just did it again you really did so

miles is very sweet and like carries her

brother back to the car because it was

funny because they're like he got stung

by jellyfish and then one of the other

dudes was like I already peed on him

don't worry

I was going to ask about that and then I

decided not to ask about if anybody peed

on it

are there other ways I don't know if

that's a real thing I remember I got

stung by a jellyfish once and my uncle

just put ocean water on it he said that

that was better

unless traumatic than you're for all of

us yeah then your uncle being like I got

you girl

and it was on my hand too like that

would have been so much worse like I

wouldn't have eaten for days somebody

peed on my hand yeah you're like I can't

clean my hands enough I think I was like

six I never would have eaten for like

multiple days

feel like he wouldn't have gone back to

the beach for a long time also accurate

but as it stood I went back to the beach

the next day did I tell you the story

about being out on a lake with my family

like tarpon

and we were on a pontoon boat and it was

like my dad had taken like me and my

sister out and all of our like little

friends we were probably like Elementary

Middle School age

and my dad was like just like fall back

into the tube in the water

and so I go to fall back into the tube a

gentle breeze comes the tube moves to

the side I just fall in the lake I can

swim it's fine until my father goes

Chelsea look out there's an alligator

behind you and he goes and as soon as I

said it I knew it was the wrong joke to

me

because little like child Chelsea just

like he's like I saw your face and like

I just like I completely froze I didn't

know what to do I thought I was about to

die by alligator and he's like yeah you

just like the panic and the tears and

the sobbing he's like that was not my

best parenting moment

oh and the baby Chelsea and then the

next time they convince me to go tubing

there were we were in the Gulf of Mexico

and there were two tubes going off the

back of the boat right and whatever the

little like

however you like anchor the boat like

whatever those I'm forgetting what

they're called but that's the more thing

yeah like that's what like the

ropes were off of so we were going

different directions well the other kid

who was in the other tube his snapped

off the boat and his tube comes swinging

over my tube pushes me under water in

the ocean

and then I was also like this is it

tubing is what does me in

and then I finally like as an adult I

was like

we can get over this and I was gonna say

have you tubed since yes

I'll show you a picture of this bruise

that I got

because

the tubing was not the problem this time

um my parents now live on a lake in

Tennessee and so we were tubing on

Watauga Lake and my dad was on a jet ski

and it was him my friend and then her

husband and then I had been in the tube

I switched places with her husband and

the way her husband had been sitting

he'd been sitting he was the backseat of

the jet ski facing out to see me so when

I fell out of the tube because we were

like going pretty fast and they were

whipping around that he'd be able to

like hey she fell out let's stop right

so I was like I'll do the same thing I

will face backwards for him

um

so my dad was like just let you know

there's a lot of Kickback on the jet ski

because of the weight so to get it to

start it's gonna like rear wrap I was

like I got this you didn't I did not got

this you did not

so well and also I'm like holding the

back Rail and instead of like holding it

with my hands over so I'm like locking

my elbows out I had my hands like under

so like my like

so it was almost like a curling motion

it's gonna say that's a way to like

break your wrist or flip over the top

that one yeah yeah so as soon as the

kickback happened the Rope to the tube

goes hot yeah

um I was like is top the word I'm going

for it is um it goes top I somersault

over myself over my hands catch my arm

and my neck oh on the Rope oh and I have

my Rook pierced with like a little like

a little ball on it the ball came off it

didn't like rip the piercing out but

it's good it like rubbed the little ball

so much that it popped out of my ear

I had to go to a like piercing shop and

be like I just need

the ball I don't need it repaired what a

fun conversation

they they're like we've never had this

request before I was like neither have I

it's a first for all of us

um that bruise covered my entire

like bicep yeah to the point that like I

had to go Lee to Camp the next week and

all of my students were like oh did you

get a tattoo then every day it turned a

different color like it was

but I like tubing more now

well that's good

how about me because I was pregnant

oh this summer will make it happen yeah

my tubing experience will be redeemed

yes yes we can always go to Helen and do

a gentle tube down the Chattahoochee if

that's what we need to do oh we can

shoot the hooch we can

might be a little harder with a baby

well Vance can keep the baby you and I

will go and just drink our birthdays are

a day apart we can go shoot the boots

for our birthday we can just go drink on

the river it'll be fine oh that sounds

lovely

um okay so anyway

there they also had a water experience

that ended poorly because of a jellyfish

um

but then like Taylor had run back to the

car to like open the door for Jude and

Miles was like oh no like she's not

wearing shoes like and it's hot asphalt

so then she's like hopping from foot to

foot so he's like stand on my feet like

after he puts dude in the car and like

walks her around her and he's like could

I have picked her up yes

I liked this better so I didn't

fair enough it's a sweet energy even

though he's like fighting it the whole

time and then she's like I'm making

tacos for dinner do you want to join us

and he's like I can't he's like

like no I need to put the space there

yeah so it's this whole like push-pull

um and it seems like she knows that and

she's kind of annoyed

by it yeah she's like so which is it

it's fine but like are we here are we

yeah are we in her are we out so she's

making the tacos for dinner and um

there's a knock on the door and it's

Lisa the dead dude's sister who's coming

over to be like hey want to let you know

um they're gonna fix the window tomorrow

and she's like oh awesome

so she invites her to stay for dinner

and then miles is like suspicious of

Lisa so he's kind of like standing in

the doorway and he's like did she kill

her brother for the properties who who

can say so he invites himself to then

he's like yeah I'll stay for dinner and

Taylor's like I thought you didn't want

to he's like I changed my mind I want

tacos but then it's cute because like

he's like getting things off the top

shelf for her because she's too short

and she's seasoning the meat and he like

tips her elbow up for like more

seasoning he's like you're gonna burn

the meat half pint and she's like oh

okay

it's it really is super cute yeah um but

then like when the night ends and he

goes to leave

she's like

this whole book has been edging

I need to get off yeah I'm gonna go to

the sex shop in town and buy a vibrator

good for her and so her brother's like

where are you going and she's like going

to town do you want to come with me he's

like yeah she's like I'm gonna buy a

vibrator he's like he's like good for

you I'll go to the bar next

yeah they have a great sibling energy so

Miles have been like

you said she was gonna stay put too easy

I don't believe her so he follows her

into town and sees her going to the sex

shop and then he's like

I did this I caused that much sexual

tension and all of that sexual

frustration so is it like the power like

is that what he's

or is it like oh I left her like that

I think it's I would say it's somewhere

between the two a little bit of both

like a little bit of like I did that and

oh I did that

so she like he sees her come out of the

sex shop and like

walks up to her while she's approaching

her car and she's like [ __ ] and he's

like I got you that way I'm the one

who's responsible for taking care of it

kind of energy

another logistic situation and mind you

maybe I'm just not huge on like

public sex and voyeurism sure yeah

no shame if that's what you're into

but

a cave at a place called something is

fishy

everyone is snorkeling around you

no thank you also because

it that sounds hotter in theory

yes in practice

generally speaking most like

public sex or sex in weird places or or

unusual places is hotter in theory like

yes yeah

I want to ask you the weirdest place

you've ever had sex that I might wait

until we aren't on video

yeah a yoga shop I was teaching at

church parking lot

[Laughter]

am I red I feel like just a smidge not

not that red

I have a lot of follow-up questions

those I will wait to tell you later yeah

um so in the parking lot he's like of a

sex shop not a church of a sex shop not

a church in this book he's like

I'm responsible for this let me help and

then he's like what'd you purchase and

she's like it's called a G-spot Thumper

I don't want to be thumped there

I'm gonna be thumped

sorry

so oh no like this whole like he like

pulls her skirt up in this public

parking lot in town while her brother's

next door at the bar well our brother at

the bar she's like I want to pretend

it's you

so he literally like puts the sex toy

against his junk I don't know why I'm

doing hand motions but I am put the sex

were like against his junk and like uses

it like it's him in a public parking lot

and like it doesn't make it is that

better or worse than just having sex in

a public parking lot worse I feel like

leaning against her car they're not like

in the car just leaning against it

but she does finally get to orgasm and

we love that for her yes good for her

but damn I'm like

I think it yeah I think it's worse yeah

I think it's worse

once again the logistics I just I can't

so

but then

like the door to the bar next door slams

super loud and there's a crashing sound

and then he's like [ __ ] I wasn't paying

attention I'm not being vigilant

something could happen and like once

again it's like

I can't do this right yes and there's a

real struggle there

um

the next morning Taylor and Jude are on

the beach she's like telling him like

about this push and pull and she's like

I think we've broken up three times and

we weren't even together I'm like I

don't I don't know what's happening

um but she's like saying all these like

nice things about him and like what he

makes her feel and then he was walking

up like overheard all of it so she's a

little embarrassed but she's like but

it's all true right

she kind of has this like

ridiculous like I wouldn't say it's like

manic pixie dream girl but this like

quirky energy but like it's really

endearing she's like no I'm not gonna

apologize it's all true what I said like

why would that make you feel weird

so he tells everybody's gonna go in town

because the police department finally

got the ballistics report on the gun

that she had found on the beach so they

were gonna share it with him so that

he's like I'm gonna go into town she's

like oh

I'd really love to pick up a book to

read while I'm on vacation can I go with

you I want to go to the library and he's

like

sure like

a little suspicious a little a little

suspicious not a little don't be

suspicious don't be suspicious yeah

um so they're going to town and then he

goes to the police department well when

they get in town I forgot this

there's a rally happening for the mayor

who's like her whole re-election

platform like the whole town is out and

like

sorry I feel like the word rally in the

last three or four years has like the

connotation has changed so I'm like oh

no racists or like

oh no looting is right

so you said rally and I was like oh no

danger

is Cape Cod that kind of town though

probably not

oh or maybe I don't know I've never been

I've never been I'm just imagining a lot

of white people

so it could go in Connecticut yeah it

could go either way is it a beach in

Connecticut I think so

somewhere in in the north we yeah but we

grew up in Florida we had plenty of

beaches we did so we never needed to go

to Cape Cod we didn't it could be a

lovely Beach I love that for people who

don't want to travel all the way to

Florida which is fair

sometimes I forget that there's a

coastline that goes the whole way

that sounds all the way up although like

you know what I mean where yeah well

also because I grew up West Coast in

Florida I grew up on the gulf so

I did not grow up on the Atlantic side

right I also just had to pause to make

sure I was saying the correct ocean

you did I did yeah I did say the red

ocean look at me go

um so the mayor is having this like

rally and everyone's like you said you

were gonna get rid of the airbnbs a long

time ago and like you haven't done [ __ ]

about it you know kind of like how most

Town Hall meetings go and

when they get off of Miles motorcycle

the assistant is like looking at Taylor

and like miles like grabs her hand and

like kisses it and like the like

assistant like looks away but miles is

also like

that white bread man is the sort of

person she actually ends up with like

she doesn't end up with me she ends up

with like someone like that nasally

little assistant wearing glasses and but

I thought yeah like totally it's like

being possessive around everyone

um

they end up parting ways he goes to the

police department and she goes to the

library but she's also like what miles

doesn't know is that the library is

attached to the county clerk's office

and I want to look at the property

records for all of the airbnbs that

Oscar owned because I'm still

investigating this [ __ ]

I love that right so she goes and she

gets all of the property records and

then takes them over to the library to

sit down and like read all of the copies

and realize that like because Oscar was

like a retired Postman or something and

she was like how would he own several

rentals in Cape Cod like that would that

would be out of his budget essentially

unless there was like family money or

something so when she looks it up

there was a co-owner that's Evergreen

Corporation

so she's like oh we need to like look

into this and right as she's thinking

that someone comes up and hits her over

the head with a book and she passes out

uh oh right that's not good

yeah assault is never good Hannah

correct

that's not good

am I helping

yep you are happy to be here yes

um so she comes to miles is like

standing over her losing his [ __ ] and

he's like

freaking out that she's not okay there's

like blood on her head the paramedics

show up officer Wright shows up but he's

like watching the two of them together

and officer red is like so I have some

questions to ask you

is this a thing are you this seems like

a thing

that would be me and Taylor's like it's

not a thing and Miles like well like

what do you mean it's not a thing and

she's like

it's it's not a thing like the word like

the words haven't been said he's like

what what words like you're clearly not

into it bro like every like this

approach avoid situation is not what I'm

into

well then she was like I don't know like

when I was in high school my boyfriend

asked me to be his girlfriend like

I just thought like there are words like

that maybe you hit me over the head who

knows like like we just keep running

into each other in public places and

almost having sex does that count like

buy a girl dinner Jesus miles is like

well what do you call holding hands

she's like not commitment

she's like why are you getting upset

like you're the one who keeps saying

it's not a thing I'm affirming that and

suddenly he's like no

so

he calls an Uber back to the house

because he's like you have a head injury

I'm not going to put you on my

motorcycle which we love the

thoughtfulness of that

um

and when they get back to the house

she's like I just need to feel something

it's very much one of those tropes like

the

I just need you now I need to be I just

need to feel safe

yeah yeah one of those

I I prefer like I know that that's the

Trope and that's what people tend to

like

associate I prefer to think of that as

like an adrenaline come down moment of

like my adrenaline is all over the place

it doesn't have anywhere to go let's

bang to get the energy out like I know

that's not always the energy but but you

know I think that is what they're doing

they just use different words yes yeah

I think them feeling safe is like I need

to come down from this yeah and you're

looking at how do I get rid of this

excess energy what the same thing

different different words

conceptualization but I say it's the

same

um

I'm still stuck on the fact that you

boned in a church parking lot

[Laughter]

you want to hear something like always I

don't even know what where we're going

this is like the very end of that story

so no details about who this person was

or when it was or anything but

um he dropped me off at home after and

um

like that the box is coming on camera

there was a flyer like tucked into my

door for the VBS at that church stop

oh

that was a lot to process when that

occurred

in my head I'm just imagining it was

called like jungle Kingdom and I'm like

no animals

I honestly don't remember I wish that I

did now but I think that I like blocked

it out like I found it and was like nope

like

have we talked about that like every

night when I went to bed in like

elementary school or like early

Elementary School my parents would put

on this like recording and it was called

jungle jams

and it was this like it wasn't

VeggieTales

wasn't that far from Veg but it was like

all of these jungle animals

that like all of the lessons like taught

you good morals and honesty and I think

it was called like

coconutting or something it was a whole

I heard it that's having sex

I heard it it was a whole thing about

like addiction

but it was like I feel like it was like

the monkey or someone like liked when

the Coconuts fell from the tree and hit

them in the head but then it caused

hiccups that were incurable

but it was an addictive thing they

couldn't stop it was like a whole

[Laughter]

um

but I also

Loki feel like jungle Jam slap

like yeah

I mean I still feel that way about

VeggieTales I watched an interview where

the creator of VeggieTales said that

they only did Old Testament because his

mom said that it was sacrilegious to

show Jesus as a vegetable

oh I love that but I'm like but you you

can show David as a vegetable yeah

because David wasn't God

but all right gives more questions

because my parents still have it and it

still makes me laugh every year a

VeggieTales nativity scene that they

take out every Christmas and Laura the

carrot is the angel that when you press

it it's lord of the carrot singing a

little town of Bethlehem and I'm pretty

sure the girl's voice [ __ ] cracked

and she's like a little town of bath

you're like what is happening what kind

of vegetable is the baby Jesus

I want to say an asparagus

that feels right it does I could be

wrong but it feels right

and that's what counts here okay so

they bone yeah he she wants to feel safe

actually do yeah

um at one point he slaps her in the

badge hmm I I always feel like that's

weird but then he goes oh you he goes

you like that when I spank you in the

front nope

I don't nope I don't like reading about

front Spanx

oh my God run Spanx it's just not

something that I can wrap my mind around

at this point although I've read several

times of like they call it like a [ __ ]

slap or something they don't call it a

front spank

Bert Kreischer stand up I think he talks

about being a few drinks in and seeing

it on a porn where they like slapped the

[ __ ] or something yeah and so he goes

so I decided to do it in bed and he's

like slap that [ __ ] but it was like a

power slap he's like it didn't land

yeah

like you missing your hand when you clap

yeah when I clap to start this episode

and I missed my hand like that but I

don't know being like do you like that

when I spank you in the front

no you made so much eye contact with

these

you're welcome yeah oh

I feel like there's only one way to say

that and it's with a lot of eye contact

yeah I feel like you're right but again

that's something that feels like we

would need a lot of discussion around

consent before that happens I will say

the whole like like throughout this book

it's like I want you to like teach me

things because everyone's always so safe

with me because I teach I not teach oh

no she's an elementary school teacher

ooh she's like I date all of these like

boring white bread men and so I think I

like am into rougher sex but I've just

never had someone

who's been able to like right meet me on

that level so

I guess there was some conversation

about it I'll give them credit for that

whatever they have mind-blowing sex lots

of orgasms I don't know

the the part that stood out to me is

that afterwards she's like

well thank you

she's like thank you for helping me

confirm that this is what I like and

I'll now know what to ask for in the

future

I'm sure he loves that

she's like thanks for not treating me

like the head of the bake sale committee

oh yeah and he's like

what the [ __ ] like my this was the most

earth-shattering sex I've ever had and

she's like and now I will know for the

future

good looking out bud thanks so much

this felt this feels like a like a aspat

situation like way to go team like but

like he's sitting there and he's like my

world will never be the same and she's

like I really appreciate you confirming

some hypotheses that I had you know like

they're correct

and so she's just like super cool and

chill about it and he's like

I like he's like he's like she's the

first one I met who's like not playing

head games but I wish you were playing

head games because like what

no like no no don't do that he's like my

world will never be the same and she's

like

I know what to ask for now

appreciate you good looking out buddy

yeah

um

there's some other details they're not

important they go for ice cream

which he likes Cookie Dough she likes

butterscotch that's the whole thing they

get caught in the rain and so they go

and get out of this like thunderstorm

and like a Catholic Church vestibule

whatever they [ __ ] in the festival I was

gonna say do they bang in the vestibule

yeah good for them for so long that nuns

come in later and they're like what are

you doing here like oh we were waiting

out the rain they're like it stopped

raining a while ago

and they're like yeah we totally knew

that

um just making sure it didn't start

again

yeah they

um sorry I hear my baby crying my

husband has them it's safe he's fine

both of them are fine

I feel a lot of like Mom pressure

like whenever I hear my baby cry I'm

like oh no I'm like my husband's like

you you know I'm his dad right like you

know that I am capable of caring for him

I'm like I do know that and I still feel

this like Mom guilt and like Mom

pressure that I'm like supposed to do

something

and then I also going back to the fact

that I hate inconveniencing people I'm

like like when I'm like oh I'm so sorry

my baby's crying I'm like that's what

[ __ ] babies do man that is what

babies do they cry no one thinks it's a

direct reflection of me nope but I'm

like oh I'm so sorry to like we talked

about flying um for this trip we're

taking and I was like

like the thought of being that parent on

the plane whose child is crying the

whole time fills me with a special kind

of anxiety yeah where I'm like I

I would totally be that parent who would

like make the apology candy bags with

earplugs for everyone on the flight and

be like

we're just trying our best out here

even though I know like

it sucks when a baby cries on a plane

but no one is objectively mad at you for

it they know it's not you right you know

but I'm like I'm like oh that's just

okay that's a whole tangent so they [ __ ]

in the church vestibule sure

um and I feel like at this point she

like Whispers in his ear something like

I could love you I could fall in love

with you so easily or something and it's

like

yeah it's like giving him the moment

he's been waiting for to be like haha

yeah so there is something but he

doesn't take it of course he doesn't so

as they are leaving the church Festival

officer right calls

um and Evergreen Corporation plot twist

owned by the mayor sorry that actually

is a plot twist in the book and like a

spoiler no but I mean it actually is

like yes okay so this mayor who's been

talking about shutting down the airbnb's

owns them yes exactly

um

I mean all the from here on out it's all

spoilers so like I'm sorry I would just

stop listening if you don't want to be

spoiled

I started it and then commit it whatever

um yeah so the mayor is the one who owns

it and then they're like oh well

wouldn't that be a motive for murder if

that's her whole platform and then like

Oscar could have like come out and been

like no she owns all of these so they're

like [ __ ]

now Lisa owns all of them so

apparently my dog is done with this

podcast episode bye Brandon yeah he just

left so they're like [ __ ] Lisa probably

isn't safe because she now owns all of

these properties right so she also knows

exactly so like miles calls Lisa to like

try and talk to her about it and she

picks up and he like

he hears her scream and there's like a

loud crash and so he calls the police

and he and Taylor hop in the car to like

go over so that he can like make sure

everything's safe

and he tells Taylor he's like drive to

the end of the block

um

wait there so she's like I drove to the

end of the block he didn't say I had to

stay there they're coming back

which he's like super pissed about so

she's like I follow directions

technically yes

she's like now probably isn't a good

time to get into semantics but

here we are

um oh hey Brandon are you back hey buddy

hey bud you can pop that back up there

you go

um

so she's driving back as the mayor like

runs out of the house and hops in her

car and Taylor whips her car around like

a stunt driver and like blocks the road

so that the mayor can't go anywhere and

then like the police sirens like you

hear them they're on their way and the

mayor kind of like loses theme and

realizes like I'm caught I'm caught

miles is pissed at Taylor like putting

herself in danger and is like says a lot

of mean things like kind of about like

of course it like it leads into that

like of course this whenever what would

you do like come on the road with me and

we'd solve crimes together and have a

cool secret handshake and she's like

just she's like don't let me into all of

the [ __ ] that's happened to you just

because you had all of this doesn't mean

that you can like put all of that on me

and you aren't letting yourself

experience happiness because of this and

like I'm out I can't do this like yeah

I'm not here to fix you fix your [ __ ] on

your own she's like you can't keep me in

a cage to keep me safe like she's like

because okay let's say it wasn't this at

some point in the future

I'd get a flat tire on the side of the

road at night and like be by myself or

she's like at some point Jude and I will

go bungee jumping and

like she I remember in the book

she's like

the look on Miles face was really funny

when I said bungee jumping but it wasn't

the time

that kind of energy and so she just like

calls it and she walks away

so

miles is back like everything is settled

the mayor was arrested miles is back in

his motel room and it's like I'm gonna

call my brother that like I'm

essentially strained from at this point

he's like because I really [ __ ] up

with Taylor I realized like how much I

like her how much I want this to be a

thing how much she means to me and I've

like I don't know what to do so I'm

gonna call my brother for advice

um which is Sweet It Is sweet and but

his brother's also like why are you

calling me yeah yeah and he's like was

this a butt dial and he's like no like

he's like well you haven't called in

ears so like what do you want he's like

fine I'll hang up this brother's like no

no no no don't hang up I'm sorry

um so everyone has this approach of void

in their family but I also get where

like

if your brother fell off the face of the

Earth several years ago and then calls

you out of the blue like cautiously

optimistic that it was intentional

um his brother's also gay and so he's

like I need advice on a woman and he's

like

he's from me he goes did you forget that

I'm married to a fellow ball scratcher

oh

and is so he's like telling his brother

about how great Taylor is and all this

stuff and his brother's like well

do you want to keep traveling around as

a bounty hunter like some damage

Desperado or do you want to be happy and

he's like

damage Desperado

feels like he didn't just come up with

that and he's like yeah it's what Mom

calls you

miles is like

ouch

that's that one hurt

and he's like also accurate so as he's

kind of like

do you want to be happy like

or do you want to stay on the road like

it is you need to like make this

decision miles like lays back on the bed

and is like just staring up at the

ceiling and sees a crack in the ceiling

and it reminds me of the peephos from

the beginning of the book and then he

realizes he's like

the mayor would be too tall for the

crawl space with the peoples

she wasn't working alone what

and he's like it was the assistant I was

gonna say it the tiniest it's the tiny

assistant and then he realizes he's like

[ __ ] Taylor's not actually safe because

the tiny assistant is still out there

and so then we cut to Taylor and he like

leaves Taylor a voicemail and heads over

to like try and like make sure she's

okay

we got to Taylor her and Jud are on the

beach and she's just like sad and

grieving this loss and it's getting cold

it's night in Cape Cod I don't know

seems like it'd be chilly I've never

been wouldn't know wouldn't know well if

anyone else has been and wants to let us

know

please do

um and so Jude is like I'll go back and

get some blankets for us and come back

so while Jude gets up and leaves

she hears like a gun click oh and the

assistant has shown up and he's like

everything would have gone fine because

they would have been looking at that

Bachelor of Party Girl's dad if you and

that [ __ ] bounty hunter hadn't gotten

involved and started all this up and

he's like I'm a very dedicated employee

and she wasn't going to lose reelection

because of Oscar and I did what I had to

do because I'm dedicated and like it's

very much like unhinged yeah and so

Taylor's like what do I know about crime

and like when people are he's like keep

them talking like get him so like she's

trying to keep him

engaged on the beach while he has a gun

pulled on her and then when miles gets

there he sees like Jude is like standing

on like the bridge way I don't know what

to call it like the walkway down to the

beach yeah the little yeah I know with

the stairs and then yeah and so he's

standing on that and just here's Taylor

like shout out to Jude to run because

she like wants her brother to be safe so

Miles comes down

gets like essentially gets the focus on

him gets the mayor on the phone where

she's like yes you are a dedicated

employee thank you like quick thinking

yeah like whatever whatever we need to

to do here

um essentially gets Taylor safe and then

throws the phone in the air

um that like had the mayor on it when

he's like the mayor wants to talk to you

throws the phone in the air and then

like punches the dude in the face and

whatever so then he like runs up to

Taylor and she like gives him a hug and

she's like thank you so much and he's

like why does she still look sad and

she's like

I know you were doing your job he's like

you're more than a job she's like thank

you for saying that he's like she isn't

getting that like this is like no I'm

like I'm like serious right now yes like

no like I want to be with you and like

all of these things

and then he like Bears his soul on the

beach and he's like at this point he was

I he's like all of the police officers

stop and are listening all of the people

in the beach are listening to me bear my

soul to this woman and be no like let's

run together he's like he's like the

mayor could be [ __ ] on the phone

listening

doesn't matter I'm I'm committed now yes

and he's like no I'm in this an officer

right is watching the whole thing

watches miles bear soul and he's like oh

I should really call my ex-wife

oh hi Craig hey Craig my cat just showed

up

um

so

they uh everyone's safe they have the

assistant and then Taylor's like well

what a fun vacation I'm gonna go home

now and so when they go to leave the

next morning miles is like out front

parked with like his duffel bag on his

motorcycle and she's like

what you doing yeah what what why are we

here and her brother's like

call me crazy maybe you could talk to

him ask

Here's a thought yeah and so

she's like whatever so she's like

she loads up the car she's like hi

we're leaving now and he's like yeah

sounds good and then she's like he

followed me for the first three turns

but that doesn't surprise me because it

was getting on the interstate but then

he turned to the go to the same way on

the interstate

and it felt I thought he was going

another way and then she's like talking

to her brother and her brother's like

well tell him to stop following us but

if if we're gonna pull over and you're

gonna do that can you do it someplace

that I can get a coffee so

they like pull into like a McDonald's

parking lot and he's very much like

I'm yes we're I'm following you we're

together now wherever you maybe she's

from Connecticut but where's Cape Cod I

don't know hold on

this is why not having Vance down here

is gonna be a challenge for all of us

um

yes so they're in the parking lot and

Massachusetts Southeast Massachusetts

according to my research sorry everyone

I misspoke this entire episode although

In fairness if you're using us as like a

measure for

like to learn geography maybe choose

something else

for that educational Northeast

right choose somewhere else but also

maybe a different podcast if you're

trying to learn geography or math this

is not where we Thrive yeah um

so miles

whatever he follows her all the way back

to her place and she's like

I'm not he's like I'm not leaving he's

like but I'll get an apartment in town

he goes I talked to my brother last

night we're gonna open the pi business

I'm gonna open an office here then I

think in the epilogue they've like moved

to Boston he proposes she strips

okay I'm not describing this well I mean

like okay

well so he it's like a surprise proposal

and all of their family and friends are

in like the next room and she gets home

and starts stripping for him and like

things are about to Bone and then she

like doesn't realize everyone and he's

like oh he's like in the Next Room no

it's pretty much how the book ends

um

so honestly there was so much that I

like left out yeah it was like super

witty it was super Charming I actually

really like this one I I would recommend

it it's very fun yeah as a as a fun read

I know you already everyone knows the

ending now unless you just fast

forwarded but then you probably just

stopped you probably didn't fast forward

to here

we don't know we don't know you do you

yeah we don't know your life choices we

don't judge Your Life Choices

um okay

rating scale yeah I'm trying to think

um

snorkels

peepholes

oh I'm sorry I said that I think

snorkels feels better than peoples

or we could go tacos

we could go tacos let's do tacos

okay tacos

um

I would rate it like

seven and a half out of ten okay tacos

beef chicken carne asada

al pastor

I'm a vegetarian Hannah

okay veggie tacos we can support veggie

tacos and there's this place in

Nashville that had really good Cactus

tacos huh their other vegetarian option

was a sweet potato taco I have had sweet

potato and quinoa that were pretty good

yeah yeah

um

we're a big taco household

big fan all around for sure

um oh I could really go for breakfast

tacos right now I was just thinking that

I don't have any tortillas or I'd make

you some we need a snack though

we do Bagels

it's Bagel Saturday [ __ ] we love some

bagels in this house we do

um okay

yeah I'm gonna go like seven and a half

out of ten

vegetarian

[Music]

tacos I was at a baby shower recently

and

um one of the girls she was like yeah

there's like not really anything that

like I she's like it's all like sugary

like little like Bundt Cakes or things

and she's like there's not really

anything I can like feed my toddler

who's here her like I forget how old her

child was maybe like a year old and I

was like oh like what about these like

skewers that had like

a little mozzarella and tomatoes but it

also just had like prosciutto on it and

she's like I'm not gonna give my child

uncooked deli meat and I was like I was

like I'm gonna be completely honest with

you I've been a vegetarian my entire

adult life and I don't know how to meet

and someone was walking past and they're

like did you just say you don't know how

to meet and I'm like

you missed the context but I hear it but

I was like yeah I don't know how to make

meat

except bacon

sure which is understandable yeah well I

also

I think we talked about this I'm I'm not

a vegetarian for moral reasons it just

hurts my stomach so every now and then I

am like I am going to eat some bacon and

it's going to [ __ ] up my

gastrointestinal sure system but we do

it fully informed yeah yeah I made an

informed decision and it is worth it

because it is delicious

um but it's like few and far between

yeah

so all right seven and a half

out of ten tacos choose your own protein

choose your own Pro I can I can support

choose your own protein it was really

fun like yeah it was very very cute it

and honestly like even as I was

listening to myself I was like I'm not

doing this book Justice it's a really

cute book

um I would highly recommend this one it

is on my list I may go ahead and read it

yeah absolutely all right let us know

what y'all would rate it we are so

excited to be back

um we are just as a housekeeping detail

because I as everyone knows because

we've talked about it several times I

now have a baby

um

recording is more difficult so we are

actually going to be moving to releasing

episodes every other week instead of

weekly just to make it a more

sustainable option

um so join in two weeks from now and we

will have the next episode for you but

we are so excited to be back don't

forget to rate the show subscribe to the

show share the show with your friends

who

also want to hear that Hannah had sex in

a church parking lot

um maybe if your friends would be

offended by that this is not the show

for them yeah just generally not even

specifically for that reason but in

general if that's your line this is not

the show for you you know

valid yeah all right have a great day

y'all bye y'all

[Music]

that's it for this week's

month we hope it will

sure was great for us

if you're digging what we're doing it

would mean a lot if you'd take a minute

to rate and review the show wherever

you're listening right now

maybe tell that sexy someone to Linda

senir

we love you we appreciate you

we'll see you next week

stay spotty

[Music]