Smut Club

foreign

hello All You Beautiful People

you know what time it is

ladies and gents Guys and Dolls and

everyone in between

gather round

something real nice to sip on and comfy

to slip on cause it's time for

Club

here's your hosts Chelsea and Anna

[Music]

what's that

I think my cat just did a full body

shiver on a cardboard box oh

100 yeah if y'all hear a loud crash it

is

my cat knocking over a box that my best

friend purchased off my wedding ready

not wedding registry baby registry

you're gonna be like that's delayed and

you're like oh but okay did she know you

your your five year anniversary's in

um no you know what I appreciate about

my best friend she the thing she bought

off the baby registry none of the sexy

stuff she didn't go for like the cute

toy she didn't go for like oh here's

this like really cute like swaddle

blanket she was like

here's some nipple pads like here's some

cooling pads here's some milk bags

that's 100 what I did for my best friend

I was like there's like a shitload of

diapers and like butt cream yeah good

luck with it yeah so all of this to say

y'all that actually welcome welcome to

smut Club we're glad you're here we love

you we are like we've been doing this

for a while now and you're here with us

and we're grateful for that that's your

dedication and commitment and we are

eternally grateful for that

um but yeah going back to the baby

registry this is and I know we teased it

at the end of our last episode this is

our final episode of season one because

I'm gonna have a fresh ass baby fresh

ass baby what put my sister made him the

shower invites and I just said Vance and

Chelsea made a real human baby

come join us for backyard hangs

I'm sorry thank you a real human baby

and I was like that's a great way to

describe it yeah so

um I've never had a real human baby

before I mean I've like I've been around

plenty used to be a nanny used to watch

him but this is my first time having one

of my own that I can't give back

I'm not selling this book so so allow me

yeah let's go for it yeah so because

Chelsea is gonna have a fresh ass baby

for the first time

um we don't know when we're gonna be

back

um it's really frankly up to little baby

fight to determine when we are ready to

come back around yeah this fresh ass

baby is going to be making and dictating

a lot of decisions

um but in the Inner Room while we're out

we would really love it if you want us

to come back if you could like And

subscribe and rate and comment with

books that you want us to review for

future Seasons so we can get that list

ready and then whenever this baby shows

up

we'll figure it out from there I was

about to use the wording that one of my

co-workers use which I absolutely hated

when I announced that I was pregnant to

my team at work

she texts me I was like welcome to the

crotch Goblin gang nope don't like that

absolutely not who the hell said that

you don't know her okay

um she she joined the team after you

left got it um but yeah I can't say I'm

sorry I didn't meet her apparently if

that's if that's our Baseline decision I

was about to be like who do I need to

cross off my list of people that I

still have good memories of at that

place

no she's she's sweet outside of that but

yeah when I was like oh maybe like I

don't know I'm in the joys of like and

Terror of my first pregnancy and like I

realize you're three deep and you've

seen a lot of [ __ ] at this point 100 but

I haven't yet and I want to live in the

ignorance it's Bliss stage and not think

of my baby as a as a crotch Goblin

um but yeah sounds like this crotch

Goblin's gonna make a lot of decisions

and I was like nope I still hate that

wording yeah but yeah so while we're

gone we'll miss you we'll miss you if

you miss us

rate the episodes let us know like the

podcast subscribe to the podcast let us

know let us know what

train wreck books you would like us to

review next season

and tell your friends

sorry my husband just like whispered

that from the other room but didn't

whisper loud enough for us to hear it so

both man and I had to like turn and look

at him at the same time

um yeah tell your friends and unless

your friends don't read these books

um because they have terrible senses of

humor or kind of prudish if there's

sticks in the mud yeah maybe they aren't

our Target demographic but we love that

you have them in your life and that you

have these friends

um but maybe don't tell them but tell

your other cooler friends

you know people who are hip to The Jive

that's what we want hip to The Jive yeah

I'm sorry I said it as soon as it left

my mouth but it happened and you know it

does also hip hip to the drive sounds

like something that JS Scott our our

girl Jan would um say and she because

we're masochists at heart we wanted to

Circle back to

um to Jan and our favorite billionaire

family so for our final episode going

into the holidays we are going to be

reviewing

um the Billionaire's Christmas a

billionaires Christmas it doesn't matter

it doesn't really matter the thing that

does matter is when Anna and I decided

to read this

um and I was like JS Scott

Christmas there's so many Christmases

several yeah and while this one is

billionaires Christmas there's another

one that's like billionaires Christmas

Version yep that's like 9 and a half

it's it's number 9.5 in the series yeah

that's so many books before we I'm I

don't know that I'm committed enough to

do that no it's another series and I

don't one one JS Scott series might be

my limit I like to pick up the like I

did I just did it with a shorter JS

Scott series it was like three books

that I just powered through as like a

palette cleanser after I read something

horrible

um and I was like yeah

they're all the same like it doesn't

matter no I don't think she changes Word

documents so she writes on it but it's

it's comforting in a way so I don't mind

it so much

um but I just opened my notes for this

um and it says billionaires Christmas

[ __ ] Jan

mine actually started the same way I'm

also not gonna lie I

I think I like started like making notes

and made it about halfway through and

then I went

I don't need to outline this I think I I

could tell you what happens

um in as much detail as as you really

need

um because it's yeah it's the same as

all of our other ones all right so

instead of just saying it's the same go

listen to the other episodes we are here

for this one this one is about Emily

Ashworth yes and Grady

Sinclair thank you so much I was like oh

[ __ ] I forgot their name of the Sinclair

billionaires the East Coast Sinclair

billionaires they're West Coast ones I'm

really sorry I think that's one of the

other series it is yeah yes so

um at the very start of the book we're

opening with this like like 20 years ago

it's a scene with Grady

um it's like a holiday Christmas party

his dad is an alcoholic who's an [ __ ]

Grady's like hiding upstairs hanging out

he does he's got a lot of social anxiety

and doesn't want to go down there and

then his dad is an [ __ ] and I was

like you gotta show up to the party and

essentially we're just like learning why

Grady hates Christmas he's like a

scrooge Grinch type of yeah character so

then he he vows that this will be his

last Christmas party and then later that

night uh as all 10 year olds too he was

like 17. what

the math on that

oh well you know I was reading through

the 2020 lens or 2022 lens I don't

actually know when this book came out

because I'm pretty sure that was set

like 2 000. so this book must have come

out a while ago because he's 31 in the

book now yeah teenager yeah he was a

Teen

um but then um later that night I paid

attention

um his dad

um has a heart attack and dies so there

are no more family Christmas parties and

he feels fine about it yeah nobody said

I'm not sad about it at all so that

that's our prologue which honestly felt

a little dark for Jan it was pretty dark

it was pretty dark dark in a different

way than the creepy doll house Doll

Collector girl from was really rough

that Jared yeah yeah I don't know you

could go listen to the episode there's

there's the Forbidden billionaire

No Ordinary billionaire

yep so there are other and other

buildings and other billions Etc if you

see a billionaire and a title of a book

we've reviewed it's probably our girl

Jan yep so we then meet Emily

um Emily runs the local like youth

center and just sort of a community like

General Community Center they use it for

everything but they do but the title of

it is like Youth Center or something and

just like every

every female heroine in a JS Scott book

she's like I'm nothing to look at I'm

ordinary I'm dumpy I'm a little

overweight I wear glasses I'm so plain

I'm so plain who would want me

um and it's because she has this low

self-esteem that she ended up getting

swindled out of all of the youth

center's money for their holiday party

from a dude named Paul that she dated

for like three weeks yeah and then there

was an emergency at the center and she

like just left her computer in the bank

accounts up on her screen and left him

alone in her office and when she came

back all of the money was gone and so

was Paul and so was Paul I mean to be

fair it'd be weirder if he stayed yeah

that's true that's true he would not be

the uh smooth Operator we're given to

assume that he is if he had stuck around

but it also seems like her self-esteem

is low enough he really didn't have to

be that smooth of an operator

Fair Point like is that like a is that

an [ __ ] thing to say I mean

yes and and you're not right and at

[ __ ] and accurate right we can be

that's what we should get on t-shirts

[ __ ] and accurate not hi I'm Chelsea

and I do know what [ __ ] are as per

your sister's suggestion earlier this

week yeah

that was a great text to get from Hannah

Hannah's like hey Chelsea my sister was

just listening to the podcast and had a

great t-shirt idea it's just a t-shirt

that says I'm Chelsea and I do know what

[ __ ] are which I'm like

is that shirt just for me are other

people going to wear a shirt that like

says hi I'm Chelsea yeah

yeah they're like your name's not

Chelsea and we have a lot of questions

about what's Happening Here

um accurate [ __ ] [ __ ] and accurate

these are

and we're [ __ ] for alliteration so it's

even better [ __ ] for alliteration smut

[ __ ] for alliteration the

s s

[ __ ] SS

I was trying to make the acronym for it

like for what the club would be called

sff a we're gonna we're gonna leave that

all the way alone and let Chelsea stew

on it remember when I did some fractions

last time let's go back to me rocking at

least I think I rocked those fractions

we've never double checked we've never

double checked I could just be

struggling across the board at this

point okay yeah so Paul steals all of

this money and now Emily's like oh no

the Christmas Christmas is Christmas is

ruined and like also there's no money

for the Youth Center anymore so I'm

gonna go and ask the town curmudgeon

billionaire Grady Sinclair for a

donation yes so he is known as the Beast

of amesport around town

um and her bestie Randy is like

this is a terrible plan

um and Emily is like it's the only plan

so Randy gets her own book in the future

she does go back and listen to that one

did we review Randy's did didn't we

and interview how is this our fourth Jan

review God damn it might be our fifth oh

no

okay regardless Randy has a book I'm

sorry yeah we we may have reviewed it

honest all of these billionaires [ __ ]

blend together they really do so yeah

Randy's like don't do it everyone knows

he's he's the worst and he's so mean and

Emily's like I have to

I have to save the children and then

um she is like really really beating

herself up that she should have known

that a man like Paul would never pay any

attention to her she's blonde and tall

and curvy my notes say Obviously hideous

like she's all down on herself I'm tall

and blonde and curvy so maybe it's a

good like I knew a guy like Paul would

never be into me that's good baby girl

because he just stole all your money you

don't want to do like Paul into you I

feel like we're focusing on the wrong

details here yes so she goes to

um with Sinclair Peninsula yeah they all

of the sinclairs end up having their own

mansions on they already have them built

but yeah the only gradies is occupied

the rest are like vacation homes that

the other siblings are never in until

they all fall in love and then everyone

has to move there yeah yeah so she shows

up to the Sinclair Peninsula

um my favorite was that she like like

it's there's a storm there's a winter

storm yeah is a common theme and she

needs new tires and new glasses and is

generally poor and all of her [ __ ] is in

terrible condition

which becomes relevant but then when she

knocks on the door she rings the

doorbell so hard she falls over

she's like so like determined she is

wearing sneakers in the snow and hits

the doorbell so hard she throws herself

off balance and winds up on her ass

so that's when Grady opens the door like

Grady opens the door like pulls her

inside and is like

all right bedrooms upstairs like

something like that so first of all I

have this quote that if I feel needs to

I

I should apologize ahead of time but

this is a direct quote

um testosterone waves she swore she

could feel

almost pulsating from his magnificent

body and entering hers that's like her

first impression of him not like oh he's

tall no testosterone waves pulsating

that's a lot that's a lot well until

like every single

every single JS Scott book the girl is

like I'm frumpy and dumpy and ugly

and here's a billionaire who's the

hottest man I've ever seen and so here's

my question

do these girls actually just have an

accurate view of self

and the dudes really aren't that hot but

they're billionaires is it like an Elon

Musk situation

or like the other way I was thinking

about it was almost like

have you seen where people will make

like the off-brand friends yeah where

it's like oh like they all almost look

like the main like like I've kind of

thought about it like that as well

because I'm like it just like doesn't

compute that like they're the dudes are

this hot right or all of these girls

just have horrifically low self selves

of steam

self-esteem self-esteems

self-esteem

I really don't it's like a culture sack

sisters-in-law like

that's not it

what is it it is sisters-in-law and

calls de sac

yeah so

ourselves just here self-esteem

this is a real question

do you know the answer

I don't I don't know if Hannah knows the

answer either or if she's just trying at

me trying to figure it out myself if

someone knows could you please comment

and tell us I just keep saying the word

sheep esteem

esteem

oh my God okay

is that correct

elves is Steve we are like both in tears

here

I'm so sorry y'all this was not the

tangent we planned for I think my

husband we can edit this out right

because why would we why would we edit

this out this is very oh my God because

I can't even speak okay so um they have

very low feelings of self-worth and a

negative outlook towards their

self-image is what we are trying and

unsuccessfully

saying hey Vance are you looking up the

plural of self-esteem wouldn't it just

be self-esteem

so [ __ ] I was right holy [ __ ] but what

you were saying was selves of steam I

don't know the first time I got it wrong

but I came back I said selves esteem

okay okay

oh self-esteems

um

damn it Vance I'm getting three

different answers you're getting three

different answers

okay well we're gonna keep going we'll

have to come back to this oh [ __ ] yeah

so she thinks he's like the hottest

thing yeah she's ever seen in her life

and then

he's propositioning her for sex yeah he

pulls her inside cleans her glasses and

then he's like you don't look like

Jared's usual women and she's like ah

who is Jared who's Jared I I don't I

don't know what Jared

um well yeah I think he's like Jared's

my brother who thinks I'm less cranky

when I get laid so he likes to send

women to my house right and she's like I

don't know you or Jared

um and I'm here to ask a favor and so he

asks if she's trading her favors and

she's like still not a prostitute my guy

um

yeah she's like used it'd be a lot

cooler if you were she's like yeah I'm

not a prostitute I'm just here to ask

for a donation to the local community

center yeah

um he's so enamored he's like

I'll give you the donation to The

Community Center if you sleep with me

yep so still prostitution right well and

he's like I'm not usually into the women

that Jared sends but I've decided I'll

take you and she's like still no

um so then he winds up offering her a

million dollars to spend the week of

Christmas with him yeah he's like okay

new offer we don't [ __ ]

you just show me the magic of Christmas

right well first he's like I will give

you a million dollars to [ __ ] me and

she's like no he's like like what if

what if I give you a million dollars not

to [ __ ] me and to show me the spirit of

Christmas

she's like you son of a [ __ ] I'm in yep

so then they make out in the kitchen uh

I guess and

um Grady is like uh about it he is about

it he is like mine She's mine from the

moment I saw her I knew she was mine

I've never felt this way before

I've I feel so fiercely protective she's

gonna be with me forever yep you're like

what it's been so my notes literally say

um it's been 10 minutes and one kiss but

he is like does he know her last name I

don't remember if she gave it when they

introduce themselves this used to be a

rule of mine I needed to know your last

name before I would kiss you

okay

it it feels like a solid rule no I'm not

disagreeing with it I am questioning my

own previous Life Choices

I was like oh

last names yeah well I mean I think at

some point

in my early 20s and more of a bar scene

I just needed to know your first name

yeah yeah which probably like when I was

younger and I was like oh no like there

has to be a connection there didn't

there didn't have to be a connection but

like also not what you should tell a

hormonal teenager you're like yeah you

should know their last name that feels

like a good boundary you can you can

play with that boundary when you get

older but like for now right once your

prefrontal cortex develops a little bit

more and you can think through the

consequences of your choices exactly

then we can revisit this boundary

so they make out in the kitchen Emily

then

is leaving for the night now that

they've like struck this deal when when

Grady opens the door he's like you're

not driving that death trap like you're

not driving that car it's entirely

unsafe yep so she can't go home for

Christmas anyway so she's like what do I

care let's do this he won't let her

drive her truck home and because her

tires are bald

and says that she has to take his car or

the deal is off

um he's like I have plenty of cars take

this truck yep

um and he says he now has a compulsion

to see her happy and remove any stress

and my notes say it's now been 20

minutes

yes like she begrudgingly takes the car

he offers it is safer we can we can own

that

um and then Grady calls one of his best

friends who I who has a book from I

think I was like the the energy it's one

of the ones from Tampa that I got really

stuck on how many billionaires she

wanted me to believe were in Tampa

who are like 30. yeah 30 year old Tampa

billionaires yep yeah so he calls one of

his friends from another series who very

also had his own insta-love book

situation and he's like tell me what

your insta love situation was like is

this normal to feel this way Simon Just

laughs at him and it's like you just

just go ahead and marry her

which that's the advice it really is and

then he just sits and like listens to

Simon tell his story and he's but he'd

never been interested in before this is

one of his dearest friends but he'd

never given a [ __ ] about his friend's

love story until he also or his kid he's

like

not interested he had a kid yeah

um so then after this phone call Grady's

like I never heard that Emily made it

home safe right because he had told her

she better call him yeah so she like

call or he calls her and she's like

hello and he's like

you didn't call she's like I was running

errands you crazy person right sorry

yeah I just got home safe thanks for

checking on me but then they like sit

and they talk on the phone for hours so

now it's been like

three hours and 20 minutes yeah 20

minutes in person yeah yeah one hour

break two hours on the phone

more we're doing the math for you yes um

so you may want to double check it later

so as we know not where we drive the

next day the money has been wired to the

youth center and then new glasses and

contacts are delivered to her and she

thinks it's her parents but oh no no

surprise it's Grady

isn't that a HIPAA violation it is and I

thought that when I was reading it I was

like they can't just give out her

prescription like that because I I

actually remember years ago like I was

like I didn't really feel like my eye

prescription was at salacious that like

I like I called and I was like hey can I

can I get these digits I was trying to

buy some glasses online and they were

like um we need written consent and I

was like why which like even now on the

grand scheme of things

covered by HIPAA I still I'm like I

don't really feel like

like my eye prescription that's

salacious

um but yeah so like just a package shows

up at her work where like really nice

glasses that she had like previously

like couldn't afford a new contacts

um like paid for by Grady I'm like okay

so I guess

I guess to be fair there is a chance

that he was like

I know like whatever glasses like maybe

he like didn't need to know the

prescription but like no he would still

know she was a patient there right

which they can't confirm either but it's

a small town and he's a billionaire

right I feel like

as we have often done this season of

smut club we are getting stuck on on

details that may not matter but like

HIPAA matters HIPAA does matter you're

right but like

also

yeah I'm assuming because I did think

about it I was like is there one

optometrist in this town that yes

there's only one one shop right now you

know that's fair

um

um so does she call him emails emails

him to set up a payment plan because

she's not comfortable taking this as a

gift

um and she keeps calling him Mr Sinclair

um and he is like he says he's gonna

punish her if she continues and she's

like what what kind of punishment and

he's basically like [ __ ] around and find

out

um yeah so she keeps the glasses and the

contacts and whatever

and then it's the week before Christmas

it's very confusing to me the timeline

here I don't know was the the money

stolen early December mid-December

there's some kind of break in between

because it says it felt like we'd like

Fast forwarded a couple of weeks but

like not I want to say that we fast

forwarded like two like two-ish weeks

yeah

um and she is super pissed when she

rolls up to his house because he won't

give her truck back

well she's like where is my truck and

he's like probably in the junkyard where

it belongs yep here's the pink slips for

this neutral for the truck you've been

driving she's like I don't want the new

truck I want my truck he's like well

that's not an option here's my truck

it's yours now yep and then she's all

like I don't understand why you're doing

this I'm not worth all of this

yeah he's like

are worth this baby yeah and he's like

holding her and then he flips her over

onto her back and is like hovering over

her and telling her she's worth

everything and it's like this super

weird intense moment and yet she thinks

it's really normal yes

um

is it the holiday party after that well

no because then for some reason she

asked him if he gets prostitutes a lot

um and he explains the whole thing with

his brother and she's like oh okay yeah

um and then

um yeah they're all sad about being

alone for the holidays oh and then yeah

you're right

um Grady gets super weird about going

and like has a moment about it but he

does eventually go yeah Grady like very

begrudgingly goes to the holiday party

that he also donated a million dollars

and like the party wouldn't be happening

if it weren't for him we do also learn

that like Emily's been doing damage

control with the town and like letting

everyone know how generous he is and how

sweet and wonderful he is that he's not

the Beast of

aimsport and I wanted to say Amesbury

you do that every time I do you know

some things are consistent throughout

this me mispronouncing words and cities

is consistent and [ __ ] Jan and

[ __ ] Jen so Grady starts having a

panic attack right when they get there

Emily helps him through

um and uh yeah

the past so she pulls him out to the

dance floor

um and he comes out of it and that one

okay yeah what were your thoughts on

that because she like sees him having a

panic attack and then she's like I need

you to dance with me and suddenly he

wasn't having a panic attack anymore I'm

just like it's this whole idea that like

it's just the most codependent thing

like

if I tell him that I have a need he will

snap out of his own emotions to meet my

need like if I tell him I need him he'll

put aside all of his [ __ ] to give me

what I need and you're like

but what does he need in this moment

right

um I don't think her argument is he

needs to not have it okay because he

needs to not have a panic attack so I'm

doing my due diligence yeah so then they

dance they make out yep and then you

know who shows up to the party yep yeah

so this was honestly here's my favorite

part this is like 50 this isn't the

finale nope of the book and I wasn't

ready for this to happen so soon

um because I had a feeling he'd show up

at some point y'all Paul Paul

the OG boyfriend who stole all the money

[ __ ] Paul shows up to the party with

a gun ah

I don't know I don't know I don't know I

hope you're never in an active shooter

situation honestly for a lot of reasons

for so many reasons primarily because

the sound effects you would make would

probably get people killed or they would

just be like this girl is not taking

this seriously nicely ah

hey there's my puppies

we'll get you right back to the show in

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all right I won't keep you any longer

let's get back to the show

[Music]

Okay so

back in college I would go to haunted

houses a lot because you know this is

what you do and I still do because it's

fun

but I had some friends who refused to go

with me anymore because every time we

would go we would walk in and I would

just start greeting all the actors I'd

be like Hi how are you are you having a

good day of course you're 100 that

person

like walking through and they're like

you're [ __ ] ruining this for me and

I'm like I'm having a fantastic time

honestly I would probably enjoy that

because I'm like oh she's really

humanizing this experience and now I'm

not as scared anymore

so people either have that reaction and

love haunted houses with me or they hate

them deeply and don't do it anymore I

haven't

done a haunted house

probably six years ago and it was a

Haunted Woods ooh and that was more

unsettling it was like two or three

different like Haunted Woods

walkthroughs but like

yeah that wasn't that was more

unsettling to me than like being at like

an amusement park and like right going

through a warehouse because I was like

oh Woods are like Woods in the fall are

just ominous in general in the dark and

you're like that one messed with me a

little bit but I haven't been back in a

haunted house since not for any

particular reason it's just like

it's not like I like had like deep

psychological Trauma from that I haven't

returned just more of like a never had

the opportunity yeah or like when like

friends were going like my schedule was

busy kind of energy yeah

which really has nothing to do with the

active shooter situation that our

characters have found themselves in

um there was but I am not a person that

you want and like a crisis for me at

work I am the person you want yes but

like this kind of situation I'm not the

person you want

so I think we've talked about judgment

house before

which was the church haunted house that

my dad played Satan yeah yeah yeah yeah

and each year they would change the

storyline

um it's like one year there was like a

like it was a military and there was

like

something happened overseas and the

people at something but one year like

one year there was like a car accident

um but there was one year that I'm

pretty sure they did like an active

shooter one year they also did like a

social media cat fishing situation

it was a wild time um yeah so all that

to say Paul shows up to the youth center

with a gun

um and he's like

there because Emily had told Grady how

Paul took all the money and how police

couldn't find him and Grady had been

like well I have more resources so like

I'll find him and apparently he did but

his resources were good enough to find

him but not good enough to be stealthy

about it because Paul was like they've

been following me I'm gonna get arrested

all that all that good so he showed up

to like kill Emily and her boyfriend

he's like just ready to Kamikaze like

he's just like drunk apparently and just

like ready to

die but he wants to take Emily and Grady

with him

um was like the vibe I got from

I also love that they're like

all of the men at the party stayed

behind to like but they gotta help out

but yeah they got out the women and

children except Emily didn't leave and

so like Grady put himself between them

and then he ran to Ambush an attack Paul

yep um and then got shot yep so Grady's

shot but he successfully disarmed Paul

yeah and starts beating the [ __ ] out of

him

um and then the cops show up and pull

Grady off of him and they're like hey

man let us take this also you're

bleeding

um yep

Grady's like a horrible patient he

doesn't want to be at the hospital

Emily stays with him yeah she won't

leave his side

um and then when they get him home she's

being super careful but he convinces her

to help him shower

um and so yeah he's like he's like

boning her will make me feel better and

she's like you're not in the physical

space to do that you were just shot and

have an active

bullet wound uh-huh

so

of course it escalates anyway

um and so he gets handsy with her until

she comes and then she gives him a

Hummer

is what my notes say in the shower

yeah that's that's pretty accurate and

then my notes say what is a masculine

sigh because I did not count the number

of times that phrase was used in this

but what the [ __ ] is a masculine sigh

how does one sigh in a masculine manner

so not yeah not to even like gender

stereotypes but I feel like we're about

to to play with that fun line

um I just don't I feel like when you

think like feminine side you think like

light breathy

yeah like far more like that so I'm like

okay so what a masculine sigh by these

standards just be like a deep

gutter roll

I'm not gonna make sounds I'm Gonna Save

everyone I was about shoes and I was

like no one needs like more of a

grunting yeah like I was gonna say like

a grunty like groanie like

is it really just about the pitch of

your voice more than anything else I

don't know but she just uses that phrase

so much I was like the [ __ ] it does that

even mean

come on Jan that what oh that wasn't on

purpose but that wasn't a masculine sigh

I don't think

no I said you told me I'd say that was

gender neutral at best that was a

gender-neutral side nailed it yeah

um so anyway they're laying in bed

cuddling

and then they talk about a social

anxiety I mean yeah she like asks about

like hey like and you're just like you

were like having a panic attack and then

he like tells her about

the the Christmas trauma of his youth he

had a stutter when he was little but

like because

his dad was really powerful and his dad

would like make fun of him everyone was

like we're gonna make fun of the kid

with the stutter too which like one

would hope that

what one if you're making fun of your

own child's daughter obviously you're a

horrible person but two if you see a

grown-ass man making fun of a child's

stutter you aren't like you know what I

should do I should join this grown man

in making fun of a child I want to get

in on this yeah no

um

so that's why he hates Christmas like he

explains the whole thing and she tells

him that he's amazing and perfect

um and whatever and

um he's like I think I'm Into You like

forever like he makes some kind of

comment about like

let's be together forever kind of thing

yeah but there's like that there's

nothing like solidified between them yet

as far as like what's gonna happen right

after Christmas she decides like maybe

he's just high on pain meds and so she's

like I'm just not gonna hold him to this

I'm frumpy and dumpy and who would want

to be with me forever who would want to

be with a tall curvy blonde

like uh most most people

what does her face look like though yeah

I'm an [ __ ] I said it I went there

that's a fair point I mean you're that's

a fair point

um so do you remember when like butter

face what's like a saying I was thinking

about that

this morning actually

why

because I was watching shit's creek and

Moira made a comment about

um when Patrick is serenading

David and she's like oh my I'm watching

my son be serenaded by his butter voiced

bow or something like that and I'm like

and then all I could think of was

butterface

but a different context it's completely

different but that's what popped into my

brain I was like everything but her

voice I guess right

everything looked good butter face yup

she was in butter voice everything was

great till she opened her [ __ ] mouth

like you know like that's what I thought

of then I was like that's not what Moira

meant

also I like

everything everything was good but her

voice everything was good till she

opened her [ __ ] mouth she was a

butter voice

they did get more aggressive it really I

didn't mean for it to get aggressive it

just happened that way you're like what

I'm so aggressive so fast okay so yeah

but that's also the energy of this

entire [ __ ] book so

this is like

this book is so chaotic but I'm like

it's not chaotic good

it might be chaotic evil like I don't

think it's chaotic future yeah I don't

think it's chaotic neutral I'm pretty

sure it's chaotic evil

um

but so they have a moment in his office

and they make out a little more

um he's like super desperate for her but

she's like no you're still recovering

yeah he's like

but like I feel like every like couple

of paragraphs there will just be one

line that's like a paragraph break

italicized it just says mine yeah we get

a great you're possessive my notes say

Finding Nemo seagulls

mine mine mine

that's what I literally wrote in my

notes

mine like the whole time no the entire

that's so accurate holy [ __ ] yeah mine

mine mine it'll be like mine

she's [ __ ] mine mine like like all in

a row and it's like okay I never want

anything to to hurt her except for me

like okay

mine

was jail Scott I was a stalker oh my God

yeah all right that'll have to be

that'll have to we'll have to Circle

back to that one in season two obviously

we're not doing that one now but like

that one

might make this one look good it does

yeah by a lot yeah a lot so um yeah

they're having this heart to heart I

don't remember it kind of feels like a

little montage

almost a little bit of them spending

time together for a couple of days but

then it's Christmas Eve

um and Grady is in Portland while Emily

is at home getting their dinner ready

um and the landline in his house ring oh

my gosh are we already there we are

already there so the landline rings and

she answers it because she's the only

one home

and there's a a woman on the other end

of the line yeah and

the girl on the phone is like let me

talk to Grady Emily's like he's not here

would you want to leave a message

and she's like this is Grady's wife get

the hell out of my house this is Hope

Sinclair Grady's wife get the hell out

of my house and then hangs up and then

Emily's like it never even dawned on me

to ask if he was involved with anyone

else oh no and she loses her [ __ ] and

like runs out into the shitty weather

onto the dock I was like girl where were

you going you were you gonna swim away

in the winter and she's wearing her

[ __ ] sneakers again which is not the

Footwear you want for snow no she's like

I need to get away like I can't be here

when he gets home I was like yeah so

you're gonna go out on just further onto

his property right right okay cool cool

cool so she's trying to calm down on the

dock but then she slips on the ice and

falls into the water

foreign

why are you laughing she's gonna drown

okay well now don't make me an [ __ ]

here

um accurate and an [ __ ] accurate and

an [ __ ] yeah these two things can

very much coax us

um yeah so she like screams when she

hits the water and then like Grady just

happens to be like getting home at that

moment and here's her scream and runs

down and hops into the freezing cold

water to save her yeah so she's like

stuck by the piling of the dock

um and so he has to haul her out

um gets her stripped and dry and in the

bed before he joins her

um and then she asks him about his wife

and he's like the [ __ ] are you talking

about right now I don't have a wife what

do you even mean what

um it was his sister

his sister hope because

Jared's prostitutes historically haven't

left easily like I'm I'm confused like

why are the prostitutes answering the

landline right

um but hope has historically pulled this

and pretended to be his wife to get rid

of the randos but once again why are the

randa's answering a landline at a house

that is not theirs when they know what

they're there for right but also would

someone having a wife be enough to get a

sex worker to leave

like don't plenty of married people

engage with sex workers like no that's

super valid

um but like I think I'm like well

I don't know I've never been to high-end

prostitute

so as a as a qualifier for everybody

Chelsea has never engaged with a

high-end prostitute or been one

engaged or been one

um so maybe I like don't fully

understand the nuances here and I will

readily own that sure

um but once again like how comfortable

are you making yourself in someone's

home if you're like I am being paid to

show up here and [ __ ] right

um and then I got so comfortable I

helped myself to some snacks in the

kitchen and answered the landline when

it rang right where are the boundaries

is my question like yes like like

[ __ ] somebody is inherently there is

intimacy in it even if it's just

physical but like does that then extend

to your home that I can go

make myself a coffee and answer your

landline well and like I feel like I

know several people that like

historically have had open marriages and

they're like you can [ __ ] but you can't

kiss them so like I'm like there's

there's different levels of intimacy

even within that right but

it feels like answering someone's

landline answering someone's phone

period

yeah because most of us don't have

landlines anymore honestly I think

that's why the landline feels even more

intimate like if you answer my cell

phone it's still intimate but like

although to be fair I guess you might

assume it's a solicitor right if it's

the landline

my parents still have a landline

but they live in the middle of nowhere

and it's the like they're like one like

tether to reality she's like everything

but like the funniest part to me is it's

in the toilet Closet in their master

bath so one time I was on the phone with

my mom and she's like yeah

well we lost power so I'm just sitting

on the toilet like she's like fully

closed just sitting on the toilet

because this is where the phone is no

thank you for that update mom

yeah

my family isn't known for their

boundaries

um I'd say

being married is probably like where

I've like

you know when you introduce someone new

to your family systems and then you

realize that a lot of [ __ ] you just

thought was normal growing up isn't yeah

it was like very much one of those where

you're like oh

yeah there's there's not about there

were not boundaries here

okay also if you hear that little

vibration in the background it's random

he's sleeping on his little dog bed

which we moved to the other end of the

room so that way you wouldn't be able to

hear it because he has historically

liked to be like right under me and

Hannah

um but I think you still can so that's

where we're at so he then declares his

love for Emily and asks her to never

leave and she's like oh my God I love

you too and then they Bang

well and then isn't he also like I I

wasn't in town on business I was picking

up the thing yeah oh oh stop jumping

ahead it matters it doesn't

for the continuity of the storyline

you're really [ __ ] us up Chelsea it

doesn't matter they bone and then he

proposes because he was in town getting

a wedding ring to propose with that

apparently he like jumped into the water

with but it stayed in his pocket I was

like that's okay

I don't know why that likes I mean I

think it was in the Box in his pocket

yeah but I can't imagine that the box

was like watertight it doesn't matter

again it doesn't matter I have questions

about do you like do you not wash your

wedding band or your wedding ring like I

mean a ring can survive water but it's

like ocean water wouldn't it get all

like I've worn my wedding ring in the

ocean no I haven't it doesn't matter

although to be fair right now I'm

wearing a twenty dollar

a three carat twenty dollar ring from

Amazon cut is that princess I have no

[ __ ] idea

yeah I don't know I just sounded good

when I said it I did I was like oh [ __ ]

look at Hannah no one knowing things

about diamond rings

um and by diamond rings I mean Cubix

Rings

um yeah my not that my wedding band was

like too small but it was definitely

getting like a little tight as I've been

getting bigger with pregnancy and I it's

like a family heirloom from like the

1800s and I was like you know what I

don't want to do I don't want to be the

idiot who like

can't get this ring off that I have to

like potentially like cut a family ring

off my finger so I was like I'm just

gonna get this 20 ring from Amazon

that's not the cute pregnancy mishap

story we want to share in the future

what is acute pregnancy mishap I don't

know I was thinking about like my

co-worker that we're not allowed to wear

open-toed shoes at work

and so

um towards the end of her pregnancy the

only shoes that would fit her feet were

her sandals and she had like a whole

meltdown about breaking the dress code

like that's a cute pregnancy mishap

story

I was thinking like a I sneezed and peed

a little oh

that also yeah yeah that one hasn't

happened yet but I'm just like honestly

mentally preparing

because it feels like an inevitable one

that will honestly I'm traveling for a

work event in a couple weeks and

flying by myself because obviously my

husband is not coming on this trip with

me but I'll be like roughly like 30

weeks pregnant

um

is that oh I think yeah somewhere around

there

um but just in that way where like I'm

like ah

I feel like if ever there was going to

be acute pregnancy mishap story it would

likely happen when traveling alone for

business you know what I mean right like

it just feels like the universe would be

like hey this is gonna be a really story

generating time hey Craig you don't need

to put your face in there sorry my cat

is doing

weird things

when does he not he's he's six pounds

fully grown so he can fit in a lot of

like very small places he's like a

little slinky and sometimes I find some

places that I just

don't expect her he gets stuck places

that's neither here nor there so Grady

proposes yeah he says stay with me Emily

every day will be like Christmas for me

apparently I felt the need to quote that

and she was like I I love you Grady yep

and then being some more yeah and then

they bang some more they apparently

spend all of Christmas Day banging

um and then the epilogue is essentially

that like

a week later Grady throws a giant fancy

New Year's Eve party at the community

center and he flies in Emily's parents

and all his siblings come and they have

a really great night and then hope

apologizes and hope does apologize she

feels really bad and that's the end

what did I miss something no no if we

did it didn't matter no but honestly I

don't yet none of it the rules are made

up and the points don't matter

um yeah none of it

[ __ ] Jan the symmetry of like

her being so prominent earlier on in our

reviews and then coming back now

she wasn't our first but she was

definitely our most reviewed author this

season our most she wasn't our first but

she was our most memorable

foreign

oh no

okay

um Christmas stockings

we can go stockings that feels festive

you know last year

because we have

well one my husband and I are we've

already watched a Christmas movie we are

recording this

far too early for us to like be readily

watching Christmas movies and it doesn't

[ __ ] stop us last year we put up our

Christmas tree on our anniversary which

is October 14th

um

and this year we will probably be

following a very similar pattern

um

yeah we are just like Christmas people

but we so like we have the four

stockings one for me one for my husband

one for each of our pets and last year

well

so we used to just like like the

aesthetic of having the Christmas

stockings up when the fire was going um

but then they all got a little singe it

was fine

um but like all the cute little balls on

them got a little singed and so last

year I was like we should like after

Christmas on sale let's buy Christmas

stockings for next year so we bought

five anticipating that we're going to

try and get pregnant so we already had

the Christmas stockings for this year

that's really sweet it really is so

those so out of our five stockings out

of our five stockings how would you rate

this one

and a half but I'll round up for to two

that's generous

would you just give it a one

I mean I would have rounded down so yeah

I guess I'll allow it we one out of five

twenty percent my [ __ ] fractions are

on point

I'm so proud of you that is

yeah no that was right it was yeah

um um so one out of five Christmas

stockings let us know what y'all would

rate this one let us know what you would

rate this season make sure you subscribe

make sure you tell your friends make

sure you let us know what you want us to

review for next season if you're like

hey guys we want more of

um our beloved Jin and her train wrecks

or if you're like hey guys

maybe let's try something else

okay if I can make a personal plea

please vote for something else

except we already said earlier that

we're gonna review at least one Jan book

because we know it's a specific one

though yeah um and we're not going to

the Tampa billionaires no no we are not

no we're not um yeah but let us know

what you want to review and we are like

in a more sincere Moment Like truly so

thankful for you being with us on this

journey and listening every week and

engaging and letting us know your

thoughts and

laughing at me for my my

Perpetual mispronunciation of things

um listen I own it y'all I do I know who

I am I

I think that's like right I can make fun

of myself for this [ __ ] yes because it's

the realest thing

um no we've had like an incredible

amount of fun doing this

um and it really started out as just a a

bus annoying our co-workers yeah when we

we would be on work links annoying our

co-workers when they were trying to get

real work done and we kept like have you

read this one but have you read that one

oh my gosh oh my gosh we need to talk

about this and they're like

let lest we I think we've given drew a

shout out before yeah we have yeah shout

out to Drew when Drew was like okay so

guys I looked up that book you were

talking about holy [ __ ] this is what you

guys read and we're like well at least

we have each other and we're like other

people read these books as well and we

want to create a fun safe place for all

of us

um and I know we like picked up

International listeners along the way we

have which is awesome

um and I will also give a shout out to

my co-worker will who gave a valiant

effort for that same book

um and was hoping for something

yeah it was four seconds as a reminder

yeah so hoping for something with less

sadism well if he wants less sadism J.S

Scott is a solid might I suggest stalker

but I'm just guessing our girl Jan

um but truly thank you so much for

joining us on this journey we will

hopefully see you in see hear you

engage with you and you'll hear from us

I'm [ __ ] it up already

ah you'll hear from

a fleet in 2023 and like my my new fresh

ass baby will yep

will allow it and you'll probably just

hear him cry at some point because some

of these episodes get kind of long

because you need a lot of time to get

through the train wrecks but you get to

meet my my baby in 2023 and I get to

meet my baby

yeah maybe before 2023 hopefully we'll

see yeah

um but we love y'all immensely I hope

that everybody has safe and happy

holidays and we will talk to you all in

bye smut [ __ ] we love you puppies

we hope it was

it was great for us if you're digging

what we're doing it would mean a lot if

you'd take a minute to rate and review

the show wherever you're listening right

now

maybe tell that sexy someone to Linda

senior

we love you

we appreciate you

we'll see you next week

stay spotty

[Music]