Smut Club

foreign

[Music]

ladies and gents

Guys and Dolls and everyone in between

gather round

something real nice to sip on and comfy

to slip on

cause it's time for smut Club

here's your hosts Chelsea and Anna

hey everybody I'm Hannah and I'm Chelsea

welcome to smut Club how's your day

going

we are living the dream here I hope that

you all are having a good one are we

living the dream or are we living a

dream someone's dream I was gonna say I

think you've had a bit of a a nightmare

this morning but yeah so for some

context y'all some something weird is

going on with my eye and like Hannah's

looking at me and I'm only partially

looking at Hannah because my eye is

swollen shut and my husband had to go

pick up

prescription drops and then I was crying

when he got too close to my eye with the

drops and it's just been a whole ass

mess

so we but you know outside of that like

if that's the worst thing that happens

today

it's all up from here like if that's the

worst thing that happened today we're

doing fantastic yes and I can appreciate

that that's the energy that we're

bringing right I don't I don't need to

see to record a podcast you do not

although you continue to direct your

eyes towards me and I can't be sure what

you're actually taking in well

it feels rude to not look at you with

what little vision I have like I can see

I can see enough and we are having a

conversation so it feels a little like

rude to like know I can see you but like

look off into another place

fair enough we'll see how this goes I

have when I was like explaining to

Hannah I was like yeah you know how like

when I got my nose pierced my eyes water

and like I feel like my nose runs when I

like have [ __ ] going on with my eye so I

have

it almost feels like a dry hand wet hand

baking

oh I hated that so much

I'm like

you everyone just heard me sniffle

I have like my nose tissue and my eye

tissue but then I keep

forgetting which one is which and my

husband just keeps shouting they're

single use get new ones and I was like

well I don't need a new one every time I

just like try and like

stop my eye from watering I will I will

agree that the nose tissues can be

refreshed more easily then he tried to

take all of my tissues earlier and I was

like no

I'm not going to explain the whole

process no one needs that the it's the

very that's this is It's been a struggle

yeah we're we're trying our best oh [ __ ]

it's happening again okay

I'm like the saddest pirate ever like

I'm I only have one at least it's my

dominant eye see we can always do a

positive reframe my job and an eye is my

working eye

um and the even better news is that

Hannah chose the book for today and is

going to lead us through it so no one

has to rely on me in my leaky eye

well the thing that I'm struggling with

is when I look at you my eye then begins

to water in like sympathy I have

sympathy eye water

at least it's in sympathy and not

because it's grossing you out no it's

not grossing me out

fair enough I've worked impatient for

far too long to be grossed out by

tears come on now yeah you do hit a

point like working like inpatient

working Community Mental Health where

like at some point you're like

well that's another human's bodily

fluids don't know where they came from

but I'm the one in charge of cleaning it

so so here we go so we're gonna go yeah

I was like telling my husband relatively

recently I was like oh yeah whenever

someone would like urinate in our lobby

there was like this like essentially cat

litter stuff that we'd like put over it

to absorb it and you simply clean and

he's like what that's real

um it sure is it's effective also we had

a woman she was very much in the midst

of a psychotic episode one time but she

loved me so like I stayed late because

like I was the one who could like corral

her and

she reaches for my hand I'm like sitting

in her assessment she's like trust me do

you trust me I trust you do you trust me

like like repeating I was like yeah I

trust you and then she just goes good

get me napkins get me napkins right now

and then I realized as we were holding

hands she was wetting herself oh oh

bless it

that was a weird night she like that

that was like that wasn't the weirdest

thing that happened with her that night

I believe it yeah but that's a story for

another time so let me tell you what's

not weird is this book this book that we

are reviewing is called boyfriend which

is the first in the MU you series I wish

that was a joke by Serena Bowen moo like

a cow is mooing University oh I was

thinking like

like a sorority or a fraternity like

like Greek life moo no so this is set in

Vermont and it's very much around the

local hockey team

um

at the college so we open with Abby

um she is a waitress in a local bar and

Wing joint

um while she's going to school full-time

um she really needs the money and she is

staying at this job that she's not a

particular fan of because she gets a

1500 bonus

um if she can make it for a year and

she's not too far away from that so

she's really pushing through because she

really needs that money and she works

with her bestie Carly

um and the local hockey players from the

college come in all the time

um and she very much enjoys

um serving them she has a thing for one

of the players named Weston

um and one night they're in she brings

their table beer and a freshman makes a

really rude comment about her giving

Weston a lap dance or something or

striptease or something

um did she give him a striptease she did

not because it's Weston's birthday and

so he's like hey don't you wanna you

know okay and so Weston like very

valiantly comes to her defense and all

this and Abby is like super swoony about

it she's very into it

um and

as an aside she wears a name tag that

says Gail on it

we will I guess we'll find out why

eventually but all these hockey players

think her name is Gail so did you ever

watch Superstore yes it's like how she

changed the name on her name tag every

every shift

which is kind of brilliant

exactly but Abby didn't do this

intentionally when she makes it less

brilliant

um well that's less fun to find out so

they're her last table and while she's

rolling silverware she overhears them

talking about Weston's Thanksgiving

plans

um so he hangs up a flyer on like their

bulletin board in the bar that says for

25 he'll be a Thanksgiving date

he's from out of town he doesn't have

any plans all the guys on his team are

like bro this feels risky like

um also you know what feels the riskiest

to me 25 right is that 25 per hour or 25

25 flat and a good Thanksgiving meal

that's all he's looking for oh no I want

more for you like believe in yourself

well

um it all the guys are like bro like

just just come to my house just come to

my house and he's like no I'm not doing

that apparently he's done it the last

two years and he intends to follow

through on it for this third year

um so after they leave she takes a

number off the flyer

um and goes home

so then we switch to Westin's point of

view also very kind of her to not just

like take the whole flyer right but

you'd be like no no I'll give other hoes

the option too

yeah I don't know that I would have done

that I think I would have just taken the

whole fire been like this is for me yeah

I'm like dibs

for 25

what a bargain right

um so now we're at Weston's point of

view he's walking to class

um and he gets a call from his brother

Stevie

um his brother is pissed that he's not

coming home for Thanksgiving apparently

their parents had a messy divorce about

three years ago and dad is still bitter

and ragey

um and so their sister is getting

married soon and Mom is throwing an

engagement party right before Christmas

he's got like his whole family is a hot

mess of like his family systems is

complex I was gonna say his family

Dynamics could do with some therapy

um and so

uh Westin kind of in his head is

thinking about how he's absolutely

horrified by the idea of marriage he's

like why would you even want to do that

to yourself

um after watching his parents go through

what they went through

um but then he gets a text

inquiry about his flyer from a girl

named Abby

um who tells him about the Thanksgiving

spread that's going to be at her

stepdad's house

um and it sounds pretty awesome so he

decides to just go ahead and accept he's

had other inquiries but he's like this

food sounds [ __ ] awesome and I don't

need to entertain anybody else no [ __ ]

he's had other inquiries he's not

charging enough for his service well but

also his name isn't on the flyer so

nobody knows it's like this big like

defenseman on the hockey team which I'm

like as as a woman I don't know that I

would be texting a random number for a

date for Thanksgiving that feels unsafe

I mean for Abby she knows who it is but

none of these other women do well and

I'm also once again I'm not trying to

harp on the price but I'm like not

knowing who it is and 25 feels very

different than not knowing who it is and

be like okay 200 I'm willing to like

feel this out but I'm like 25 feels

too low for me to take a chance on not

knowing

well

he was willing to go there and didn't

care and clearly the other college

students also didn't care fair enough

um so a few weeks go by they have

exchanged a few text messages but

haven't really talked and they haven't

met in person yet okay so it's

Thanksgiving day he shows up a little

early

um to this mystery girl's apartment

um and he wonders what she's like he is

a self-admitted uh man [ __ ]

um and he calls himself Mr Smooth which

should tell you everything you need to

know about him as a person I'm liking

less and less and less yeah he comes

back around but it does take a minute

um so the door opens and it's the hot

waitress and he's like hold up hold up

hold up apparently he's been lusting

after her like for a very long time

um but he feels like it would be really

rude to ask a girl out when she's just

trying to do her job like that's not

cool to hit on a girl girl who's trying

to make it through her shift which I can

appreciate as someone who worked in a

bar for a very long time yeah

um so we'll give him points for the

respect we will also I would just like

everyone to note that when Hannah was

like she opened the door and he's like

oh it's the hot waitress I was like Hey

and did a shoulder dance but my eyes are

closed so

I'm just vibing by myself right now even

though I'm vibing like three feet across

from Hannah I just couldn't see her so

we'll let it we'll let it ride man you

do what you need to do to make it

through the day Fair

um so she is super gorgeous and he

cannot believe his luck that like he put

up this flyer and it's the hot waitress

um so he gets really awkward

um because he's like she is really hot

and I was not ready for this to happen

um so she explains that they're going to

her stepfather's house to have dinner

with him and his new wife

um but she doesn't explain further so

that's super weird like she also has a

complicated family system she does shut

up she does got it her genogram her

family genogram would be a bit of a mess

um

so do you use genograms in sessions uh

no I never have I never

like I feel like I didn't like

internships yeah but I feel like in like

real life no I remember I guess I have a

little bit of a trauma response to

genograms because when I had to do mine

we're sitting in my family therapy class

whatever and my professors explaining

genograms and everybody in the class is

like shouting out these these scenarios

and she's drawing them on the board with

all the symbols right and it's like what

if somebody has a secret love child from

a secret affair what about like all this

random [ __ ] right and she's just

throwing stuff on the board no problem

so then I raise my hand and I'm like hey

what if two people

each have kids from previous

relationships and then they meet and the

woman is already pregnant with another

man's baby but he decides that he's

gonna marry her anyway and then adopts

that baby and then they have another

baby of their own how do you draw that

and she was like see me after class

I was like okay she was like oh this one

this one like let's just talk about this

one in private she's like yeah just see

me after class I was like oh okay all

right you're like is this scenario not

common enough that everyone should

should be in the know about it I'm like

you had no problem drawing like a secret

whole secret family it wasn't even a

secret love child as a secret family it

was no [ __ ] problem but whatever so

there was this mind you I don't remember

how long ago it was and I'm probably

gonna watch the details but there's this

like very bougie private school in Tampa

Florida

and this dude had a secret family and

his kids from his real family and his

secret family all went to the same

bougie private school

his wife from the real family passed

away

I forget what exactly happened I don't I

don't know if like there was any like

Foul Play but like she passed away then

suddenly he shows up at all of the

events for the school with his new wife

from the secret family and I think like

they've just been saying like oh yeah

like Dad was out of town like I don't I

don't really remember all of the details

but then everyone like put the like

connected the doctor like hold up hold

up hold up what we thought you were

married to someone else

and your spouse just died but now yeah

I'm like so how do you draw that

[Laughter]

I'll have to see if I can find that

professor's email and shoot that

situation

hypothetical exactly coming back with it

oh sorry my cat just is like swishing

his tail and hitting the mic with it

right he just wants to be a part of it

he really does that's not the time but I

love his participation spirit so now

yep participatory his participatory

Spirit yeah okay sorry so Western's like

I can't believe my luck it's the hot

waitress hell yeah yeah we're gonna go

spend

what I don't know I don't understand her

family systems but I'm making 25 and

getting food here we go

um and I get to hang out with a hottie

so it could be a worse day for Weston

wins all around so he's confused about

why her name tag says Gail and she

explains that the manager is just lazy

as [ __ ] and made the wrong name tag like

saw that her name was Abigail on her

application it was like Gail sounds

right instead of like asking

um and refused to fix it so refuse to

fix it yeah he refused to make her a new

one with her actual nickname on it so

um

what Weston's like I actually don't care

about that I am just super into this

girl right now yeah so then he decides

that maybe after a good meal he can have

dessert

Ayo that's a quote not the AO part but

that he wants to have dessert it's a

euphemism it is I get it yeah it is

so back to Abby

um she's really nervous but Weston is

really sweet and he's like asking

questions and blah blah blah they decide

to say that they've been dating for

about a month

um and she explains that she never knew

her father and her mom married Dalton

um but then passed away three years ago

leaving her nothing

um but Dalton helps her with books but

wouldn't pay for an apartment for her

which is why she works

so she mentions that she has this new I

guess sort of stepbrother

um and says that he's a tool

um yeah so they just chat about like

what's your major and like getting to

know each other before they pretend to

be in a relationship in front of her

family

um and then he makes her sing with him

so that she'll loosen up a bit as before

they like head into the house and she's

like he is really really sweet like he

is a really nice guy and so she had

brought wine for dinner but then

realizes that she forgot it in the car

um and Weston says that either he can go

grab it or they can save it to have

later oh

um and then she's like

is he just is this part of the boyfriend

routine is he being serious I'm not sure

I'm into it but I also don't want to be

intuitive he's not into it so she gets a

little weird

you know that's valid she's like is he

just laying this on

does he think this is included in the 25

experience exactly

um so back to Weston dinner's super

awesome

um but he's picking up on like a weird

tension between uh Abby and The

Stepbrother

um they play pool with her stepdad

um and then uh Weston is trying to think

of an excuse so they can leave because

he's like I am banging this girl tonight

like I need to get the [ __ ] out of here

um but like so he tries to make up an

excuse

um my notes say he very much wants to

play naked twister with Abby

um but he mentions a paper to Dalton who

offers to help him with it because

Weston's pre-med Dalton's a doctor he's

like oh step into my office and Dalton's

like or Wesson's like [ __ ]

um so he goes stepmom mentions that she

has some of Abby's mother's things for

her to go through because she's trying

to get rid of them and so

um

after a while Westing goes looking for

her but can't find her anywhere and then

he hears a male voice in the kitchen

telling her like that she's a [ __ ] and

generally being really awful

um and so let me guess

The Stepbrother oh my God

so Abby's telling him basically to [ __ ]

off

um and then he can't find them but then

he finally finds them in the pantry like

he's starting to freak out because he

can't find them

um so he almost loses his [ __ ] and beats

the [ __ ] out of The Stepbrother

um but winds up just pulling him away

and they finally leave

um

and they drove in her car but she's like

shaking all over and so he's like I'm

I'm gonna be driving

um and then he asked about Christmas

because he realizes like he can't be her

date for Christmas so is she gonna be

safe

um and she says that she's just gonna

make up an excuse not to go

um and he feels like he failed her

because he didn't he didn't prevent this

from happening and that's why she needed

a date but he he didn't know it's a

whole thing

um the situation he didn't even know

existed he is internalizing the guilt

okay yeah so yeah

so she has tried to tell her stepdad

multiple times but he doesn't really

want to hear it like he's very newly

married to this woman

um and so she has an outright said like

he you know he's abusive she just says

like he makes me really uncomfortable

and Dalton just kind of like dismisses

it

um so yeah Weston then realizes that he

will not be getting laid

um which he's fine with

um he's like Abby needs a day off and a

new family

um not some guy trying to get her naked

so he like very respectfully drops drops

her off at her front door

um so back to Abby

um she wakes up still feeling super

gross about the night before

um and then she realizes she never paid

Westin after all of your concern about

the 25 he didn't even get it

um so did he get the the was the food

good the food he was worried about that

pretty clutch so she texts him

um and he says that he was never

actually gonna take the money

um that he put that on there to weed out

weirdos and I'm like bro we need to go

higher than 25 if we're trying to weed

out weirdos but okay

um that's like posting a [ __ ]

Craigslist Craigslist ad and like being

like I figured 25 would weed out the

weirdos no

no it does not

if anything I think it like lures more

weirdos

right

um because that's a bargain really so

she winds up buying his next round of

wings when he comes to the bar

um and then he shows up at the end of

one of her shifts to help her roll

silverware and they're just like kind of

she's been avoiding him because she's

like this is just super [ __ ]

embarrassing in general

um but then he asks her to be his date

for Christmas with his family

um because he says that his dad will be

on his best behavior or if she's there

um and and she can avoid her stepbrother

so it's a win-win all around

um so she agrees so

she has a second job at a flannel

company

um so we're back to Weston's point of

view he goes to pick her up from there

um she's super gorgeous good question

what

I'm telling you this one's a warm bowl

of nothing I'm trying to make it it's

just not though

you know my questions are really just

about what a flannel company like is

that like do they just sell jackets do

they shut do they sell blankets is it

the textile side of flannel fabrication

is it a like more of an apparel like is

it a retail store it's more apparel okay

they primarily do online

stuff but they do have a small

storefront

um so they do like robes and slippers

and pajamas and shirts and jackets and

stuff like that got it also I love that

you're like I'm trying to make it

something but it's just a warm ball of

nothing and honestly Hannah I think I

think you just need to commit to it

being a warm wall of nothing instead of

being like I realize I'm the one being

like so tell me more about the flannels

like I mean

I feel like this is like all right we're

gonna try something here

give me a three minute summary of the

rest of the book oh my God okay

um so she goes with him to Christmas

um and it's a bit of a mess they have

her his sister's engagement party his

dad shows his ass Abby then wait like

his ass not literally

um that oh

he like shows his ass I was like like he

shows out like she goes back around and

find out or yeah okay so we find out

that the reason his dad is such a

disaster is because his mom left his dad

for Dad's brother

oh [ __ ] yeah so it's super messy

um so Abby basically tells his dad that

he's a [ __ ] face and so you see a [ __ ]

face uh a bit Yeah like he's like the

whole engagement party so there's also

like good reason why Weston's mom left

him for his uncle I mean it doesn't seem

like he started this kind of drinking

too much being all this kind of way

until after she left but

fair enough yeah

um so

um yeah so they

after the the whole thing her his dad is

like what do you even know about life in

general like you don't know anything and

she's like both of my parents are dead

your family is still here and you

continue to push them away so maybe I

know a little bit more than you think I

do

and his dad is appropriately chastised

chastifies to such a good word it is

such a good word great vocab so um

Western feels terrible

um that all of this happened and

um they wind up going back they pretend

to have sex because they're trying to

convince the brother that they're really

a couple because brother is like Weston

doesn't do commitment this is not real

Weston's brother they're trying to okay

yeah so they pretend to have sex like

making the sounds and like pushing the

bed against the wall and stuff Brandon's

having a moment

it was a short moment but it might it

might not be short we never know what my

dog is feeling but you know what's a fun

thing what today is his gotcha day like

it's his anniversary we got him five

years ago today happy Gotcha Day Brandon

right he um we got him when he was eight

weeks old when we were living in

Nashville

he lived in Toledo

and we literally got up like 5 a.m drove

straight to this family's house picked

him up

gave them cash they gave us a dog we got

in the car we drove back to Nashville

all in one day and then it's a long day

it really was it was a Sunday and then I

worked the next day and

um then we got married two weeks later

and my sister was very like you should

not get an eight week old puppy two

weeks before you get married and I said

I'm gonna live my life

and and you did and I did and I'm

obsessed with Brandon so like it all

worked out it really did

um not the best phone call I've ever had

with my sister

but we made it through and he

is adorable but far

far larger than he was

he is a husky boy

and he's lost weight he has he's doing

really good

do you think like when you get to my

house are you like oh Brandon's lost

weight or are you like he's still a

thick boy I mean he is still a thick boy

but I did think that the last time I was

here yeah I feel like he stalled out a

little bit I just like doing a plateau

well I don't think his body wants to be

smaller so let it be right I'm like no I

cut back his food as asked and this is

just where his body

wants to be yeah I mean that can happen

like all right when I started doing hot

yoga consistently

I know a lot of people lose weight when

they start doing it I gained 10 pounds

when I started doing yoga consistently

and they were like ah your body's just

regulating to where it wants to be I was

like it's not where I want my body to be

and they're like well that's between you

and your body I was like this is was it

muscle

um one I was in a really stressful

season of life and I think I'd like

probably gotten gotten lower than what

is a healthy weight for me but at a

number that I was like I like this

number better

um I think when you are doing that much

hot yoga on like on a daily basis you

start retaining water right um and then

I think there probably was a muscle

component to it so I think like there

was a lot of aspects at play at that

time but like where I regulated to

is just probably truly where my body

wants to be right um

even if I was like I like this number on

the scale better and you know what now I

just don't own a scale same

I like I said that to my mom recently

and she's like oh why didn't you tell me

we just like got rid of a bunch of them

and I was like no Mom that I I know I'm

not asking for one yeah I was like it's

intentional right even like being

pregnant when I go to the doctor

I don't even I don't look I'm like I

don't I mean like I don't need to know

how much weight this Baby's putting on

my body like

I try and eat healthy I try and move and

I think that's enough you know it is

enough yeah yeah sorry that was a big

tangent so they pretend to Bone hey

there's my puppies

we'll get you right back to the show in

just a moment but first

do you like us maybe even love us cause

we sure love you

and if you do love us don't tease us

tell us in those ratings and reviews

wherever you're listening right now

maybe even send us over to a special

sexy someone that would enjoy getting

smutty with us

because you know the first rule of smug

Club is to talk about smart Club

all right I won't keep you any longer

let's get back to the show

[Music]

pretend a bone okay

um

but Watson is like this isn't funny

anymore like I'm super into it so anyway

the next day is Christmas Eve they hang

out Christmas Day they exchange gifts

it's very sweet and then his dad pulls

out a present for Abby

um and it's a like a really nice

computer bag like Satchel thing

um and he's like well I got it I got one

just like that for my daughter when she

graduated

um and since you don't have anyone to do

that for you I I wanted to do that and

so then of course Abby burst into tears

um and the dad's like oh [ __ ] my bad I'm

like so sorry good good sweet tears yeah

it was very very sweet

um so they just have a really good time

generally

um and then

um yeah

a lot of I'm trying to I I'm like am I

still on the three minute thing I'm

passing you know I also took us on a

very long tangent that was definitely

more than three minutes

and I do appreciate that you're like

none of these details they're like it's

just more of a warmble of nothing it is

um so we're just a good warm bowl of

nothing we're gonna flash to New Year's

Eve so okay so so they celebrate

Christmas it's really nice yep they're

like we could be great friends

um New Year's Eve so the places happen

um what place the bar of where she works

my bad I'm trying to go too fast now I'm

leaving out details and we need to

stress you out it's that weird balance

because we're like do we need these

details and you're like oh [ __ ] just a

couple more but actually we did need

that one I think that one was relevant

um so the bar she's working is obviously

open she's working the New Year's Eve

shift it's popping

um and

um

yeah hey Craig so you are literally

stretching and putting your ass in

Hannah's face right

well I have three cats of my own so it's

not that I'm not used to it

um it's just a thing cats do you know I

do

like is it like they're being they're

proud

I just don't care

I think they're like I will stretch

where I want when I want and I do not

care

I wish I had that confidence right like

I will put my ass where I want to

however I see fit in whatever manner if

you don't like it you can move around my

ass and not the other way around exactly

exactly okay so sorry everyone I was

just like watching Hannah try and like

look at her notes for this book and I

just see myself blocking them and I was

like oh he's really showing out he was a

little bit

um so

uh the there's a new bouncer at the bar

this night okay and

um keeps asking specifically for Abby to

bring him a drink and she's like okay

um so finally she goes over and she uh

the direct quote is the words die as I

see who the new bouncer is and then it

cuts back to Weston

um so he's like I am into her and I want

to bang her still so he's like tonight

it is so she's like he's like tonight's

the night like I'm making my move and

then

um he sees the new bouncer yeah he sees

that and he's like oh no

um and she's super upset and so he's

like

um

he he winds up giving her a hug and he's

like this is not what I was hoping for

but it's still pretty good like it could

be worse

um so he does you know I appreciate that

like he can read the room he can yeah

we're like he's like

I'm I'm gonna boner on Thanksgiving nope

I just watched her get

verbally assaulted by her stepbrother

not the time oh right New Year's Eve

went sideways well

like I appreciate that you can be a

gentleman he can he can oh we'll give

him that like he can

um he he's not all about his own needs

he's paying attention yeah yeah

um so then

um basically he shows up to walk her

home after every shift from that point

forward

um and his teammates are giving him a

bunch of [ __ ]

um and then

um

yeah

he winds up kissing Abby eventually

um as he walks her home and

um she asks him to stay and uh my notes

just say Weston is beside himself he's

so excited

um and he tells her that he doesn't want

to pretend anymore to be with her

because that's what he's been doing in

front of his stepbrother

um

so then my notes say they bang

um so it it becomes real it becomes real

they become a real couple there's a

solidifying [ __ ] yes there is a

solidifying [ __ ] but it's not that

solidifying because Weston is still on

his whole like we're keeping it casual

thing I want it to be real but I also

don't want commitment precisely I just

want in your pants like that's basically

it

um Boston we were doing so well I was

really just typing you yeah so they've

been banging for a while now but then

um he usually leaves right after but

then he asked to stay

um and he floats the idea in the morning

of being my notes say friends with

Benny's I believe that is a direct quote

and I'm really sorry about it

um since he doesn't do real

relationships does Benny's mean eggs

benedict I was like does that mean

Benadryl

um honestly yeah friend friends with a

walking Pharmacy see in their pocket

when you need it friends who make you

eggs benedict whenever you want I need

more friends like that yes Benedict

what are like yeah when people like

Friends with Benefits I was like okay

but what is the benefit right orgasms in

this case

I was hoping you'd say so disappointed

right now she's like can you be more

basic [ __ ] orgasms where are the eggs

where's the hollandaise like

like honestly I was like

uh even if the benefit was like

Pizza

I don't know right right like I'm a I'm

a very food motivated person apparently

same but I'm like no come on I need more

benefits than just orgasms because quite

frankly I can give myself orgasm I don't

need assistance no so you need to be

coming with something more to the table

benefits it's there's an s on the end

it's not friends with benefit it's

friends with benefits so there should be

multiple well I guess the other benefit

for her is that he's walking her home

and keeping her safe and stuff like that

damn it Hannah you gotta come out with

the logic all right I'll give it to you

so

um she they're also not doing anything

serious because she's planning to leave

Vermont after she graduates is she

graduating in the spring she is

graduating in the spring she's

graduating a year early

um well smarty pants she has a little

smarty pants

um so she's applying for jobs in New

York Weston has another year in school

and then he's going to do med school at

the same same College in Burlington

um yeah my notes are like they bang it

out like that's just like every so often

it's like they bang it out

um

so she feels like like jot like lines

are getting kind of blurred yeah a

little bit but then at the same time

like she'll go days at a time without

hearing from him and so she's like yeah

no this isn't like a real thing

um so

she goes to New York for a bunch of

interviews none of them really go well

she feels super lonely

um so she calls him they have I don't

know Skype sex I guess

um and she's super into it he's super

into it

whatever

um better than only one of them being

into it precisely yeah you know um she

is like I'm not showing you anything

right now and he's like that's cool I'll

show you mine like

he's like whatever you're comfortable

with babe I'm comfortable with this and

she's like okay well all right well

there we are um but I also appreciate

that he respected her boundary and

didn't like push it do you remember that

um

woof

damn there's so many wolves

the wolf Hotel series

oh I [ __ ] hated that series I hate

you really do so much you really did oh

my God like like deep in my soul I hated

it

um

I was thinking about like I don't know

it was the I think it was in the second

book

um where

Ronan well that was his name right

um one of the side dudes like text her a

picture it's like of like his like upper

body and you can like see his hand as

like down by his genitals and then he

after he sends that picture he text her

and he's like did that picture offend

you and she's like no and then he's like

good and then sends her a picture of his

dick right after he's like masturbated

because I'm like that's a sharp

escalation

also a weird Choice like why would you

send right after like wouldn't

never mind I think it was like a like

this is what you do to me yeah I think

it was one of those situations but the

whole series made me cringe the entire

time I hated it she was just so annoying

yes she was annoying he was overbearing

the two side dudes were the only thing I

liked about any of it

it was terrible

yeah was he overbearing or was she just

annoying no he was pretty overbearing

and mean

especially at the beginning at the

beginning you're right yeah I think like

I was thinking more of like later well

he had four books to redeem himself and

it wasn't enough for me apparently but

it's like a lot like when people are

like

it started okay or it started rough but

then like

once he made it 15 episodes in the show

redeemed itself and you're like ain't

nobody got time to watch 15 episodes

nope for it to redeem itself so I I am

there with you I do think he like came

around and like got better but I think

it yeah but she didn't it was too little

she's like oh gosh she was awful she was

yeah that's a review for another time

but that's what it made me think of

where it's like well I'm comfortable

with this like it's like oh did that

picture offend you no let me

substantially escalate this situation

right

um but anyway so she's back in Vermont

she's back at work

and she has to continuously remind

herself that like they don't have a

future we're just having fun like we

don't have a future we're just having

fun

um and

um her stepbrother's behavior is

escalating not just with her but with

the other waitresses so he like

physically has been grabbing some of

them and the manager won't do anything

about it

um

gross but she figures that it's all

gonna be fine

um and then she goes over to the hockey

house with Weston he's really really

sweet and she makes a cake not a

euphemism is what's in my notes so

apparently my God I didn't think it was

I was just like oh yeah he lives in a

house they probably had a kitchen she

she was baking and you're like just to

be clear cake is not a euphemism it's

not in this case

um in other cases it could be but not in

this one so um like it's her mom's

recipe and she really wanted to be able

to do that so Weston invited her over to

use this kitchen

um so he is like loving life having her

in his house using his kitchen

um and then

um a girl that he hooked up with before

shows up while Abby's in the kitchen and

like comes over and is like coming on to

Western Puck bunny yes okay and he's

trying to like

um trying to like subtly like push her

away

um and uh like forgets her name like

it's painful like the whole thing is

painful

um and then

um he's like

I know that I feel some type of way

about Abby and all the guys are still

giving him a hard time about it but he's

like she's about to graduate this is all

temporary whatever

um Abby heard the entire thing

um and also heard his teammates telling

him like we know you're a [ __ ] like

what are you doing with this girl

um and she feels really really bad in

general about it

and then she hears the girl who hooked

up with him previously crying

um and saying that she thought that he

really liked her and that maybe there

really was something there and she feels

really stupid and Abby's like cool so

this is going to be me in like three

months awesome love that for me

um

so she also hates that she like

love spending time with his family like

she's been craving family and she's like

great so it's not just that I'm losing

him I'm losing his family too

um so then

um

he wakes up to an empty bed Abby's phone

is ringing

um and finds her in the kitchen and it

looks like she's been crying her stepdad

had called to confirm lunch plans with

her

um and she tells him that it's the

anniversary of her mom's death so they

always go to lunch in the cemetery

together and he's like I am an [ __ ]

like wow I didn't even think about it

like do you want me to come with you and

then he's like that's not what we're

doing here at all but like I want to be

there for her and she's like no no no no

it's fine

um

so yeah talk about Blurred Lines like

spending the anniversary of her mother's

passing with her yeah but like he wants

to be there for her but then he's super

confused by that yeah

um so then Weston's like after Abby

leaves he's like I think I might be like

a serious [ __ ] like she deserves

someone who's not scared of commitment

and

um maybe like maybe I'm being a real

douchebag spending this much time with

her like maybe that's not cool you

haven't even made her eggs benedict once

not even a single time Weston there's

been no Hollandaise sauce there's been

no English muffin where is my Canadian

bacon

[ __ ]

now I really would like some eggs better

right well and I'll say with pregnancy

I've definitely felt like as soon as

someone says a food or like mentions it

I'm like I could [ __ ] that up right now

but you said it first I know I did I've

been thinking about this one a lot like

a friend I was talking about and she was

like yeah when I was pregnant all I

wanted was

um instant mashed potatoes and Caesar

salad and I was like I would destroy

those I was like if those were in my

house they would be gone before I sent

this text message like that is where I'm

at with food at this point

well I mean

I wish I had some eggs benedict for you

but it doesn't travel well so it

wouldn't have been good anyway honestly

I appreciate the forethought and being

like you know what I shouldn't do poach

eggs then drive an hour to Chelsea's

house

hollandaise an hour old hollandaise is

not where we want to be with our lives

it's just not anyone in the in the mood

for some room Tempo holiday

absolutely not good thing I'm out of my

first trimester anymore or that thought

probably would have made me puke I would

be like nope that's a texture I cannot

get behind nope okay so Western realizes

that like he's like maybe I'm being a

dick and I should have made her eggs

benedict at some point exactly

um so then Abby spends the day with her

stepdad

um and he says that he's still going to

support her even after she graduates but

um that's super sweet she's like

absolutely not because I will not live

in the same house as my stepbrother but

thank you yeah

um so then she kind of falls into a bit

of depression Weston's really busy so

they don't really spend time together

um and uh he then like sees her in the

bar and invites her to dinner with his

family

um and she's like what the [ __ ]

she's like we can't have it both ways

she's like okay I guess what the hell

um so then again Step Brothers behavior

is escalating my notes say stepbrother

gropes her ass after Weston leaves and

she's big mad

um so

yeah yeah um so she goes to

um her job her other job at the flannel

company

um and she's doing a really really good

job she's really loving it

um but the other girl who like is

supposed to be helping her went home

sick and she's like oh God I hope I

don't get sick spoiler alert

so

um Westin is like coming out of his skin

because Abby's late for dinner with his

family and

um so she tells them that uh her

interviews in New York didn't go great

but the flannel company wants to bring

her on full time so maybe she would stay

in Burlington and then Weston's like oh

no like The Natural end of our

relationship may not be there anymore

[ __ ] me

um and

um and then his sister who is there is

like oh like this is so exciting that

means you'll be able to come to my

wedding right and Abby's like oh no and

the whole family's like um Weston why

hadn't you talked to Abby about the

wedding she should come either way even

if she's moved she should be there like

yeah I've been dating long enough though

right

and so it's very very awkward

um so

he is like well why didn't I know about

this offer from the the flannel company

and blah blah blah and she's like

um because this is supposed to be fun

and not serious those were your words

why would I tell you about something

like that

thank you oh

um and so he's like well wait a minute I

didn't I want I can't

um

so

um

she's like yeah and also I didn't tell

you because I might stay in Burlington

and I thought you would be weird and oh

my God I was right you're being [ __ ]

weird right now I feel like Weston is

one of those dudes who'd be like

should we have an open relationship but

then by open relationship he just means

like he can [ __ ] other people but like

she can't like that's the energy yeah

but it's like also he doesn't actually

want to [ __ ] other people he just

doesn't want to say that so he's like

stupid

yeah like I I what was that so y'all did

what

Hannah said that and then she looks over

at my husband and they have this like

moment of eye contact where he's like

yeah I get it and to be fair

that is the state I found my husband and

before he just before he realized

because yeah he was like we need to talk

and I went no we don't you're free to go

[ __ ] other people live your life my guy

and then a couple months later he was

like

a month later per

Vance A month later he was like you know

what

it just felt cooler to feel like I had

options but I don't actually want

options I only want to date and be with

you

and now we're married so spoiler alert

it was her husband

but no I I did that that could happen

very often but they're like not the dude

I married yeah I did the like point and

eye contact thing because I could see

him nodding out of the corner of my eye

um so anyway

um she's like you don't have to be weird

our thing can still come to a natural

conclusion just like you want

um and he's like okay what if it's not

what I wanted okay

um and then he feels like he's an

[ __ ] and doesn't really get why

because men are stupid is what my notes

say

[Laughter]

my husband is still nodding

he's like yep I get it now can confirm

um so Abby really doesn't feel so great

so she says she's gonna go home and

change before

um Wesson's hockey game but then she

gets home and doesn't leave the house

um

so she's like a clean break is probably

what's best anyway so she sends him a

voice message like not a voicemail but

like a voice message

um basically telling him that it's

probably better if they just go ahead

and wrap it up

um and so Weston wins the game he's

super excited and then realizes that

Abby never came

um and is like oh [ __ ] I have feelings

for her and then gets the voice message

and he's like oh

that [ __ ] sucks like I don't like

that

um so he's called her a few times he's

texted her a few times she's not

responding to anything but he also

doesn't know like she's sick in bed he

does not know that so um his teammates

finally drag him out to the bar where

she works um but then they're like

looking for her and her best friend is

like where is she and he's like you

[ __ ] tell me dude she broke up with

me where is she

um and then they realized nobody has

seen or heard from her in more than two

days oh so he flips his [ __ ]

um and runs to her apartment gets her

landlord to open it and the heat in her

apartment had been broken and he had

been like kind of fixing it temporary

fixes anytime he would come over

um but her apartment is basically like a

[ __ ] meat locker and yeah in the

winter and she's like unresponsive on

the bed

um

and so he's like [ __ ] so he then takes

care of her he calls step dad who again

remind her is a doctor

um and comes over and they kind of take

care of her and help her

um and then

Weston has to go to practice and he has

to go to class so one of his teammates

has a broken leg so he just leaves this

Rando in her apartment to watch over her

while he can't be there

um and so she like tries to get up and

tries to do things for herself and this

person that she doesn't know is like

nope and he's like taking pictures and

sending them to Westin and she's like

what the [ __ ] are you doing he's like if

I don't text him every 30 minutes he

calls me and if I don't answer he will

show up here so this is what we have to

do I'm really sorry about it but this is

just the way that it is so you can deal

with it

so he's like making her soup and

whatever taking care of her his leg is

broken his leg is broken so he like is

wearing a hoodie apparently and has like

spoons in his hoodie pocket I don't know

why that that detail stood out to me I

didn't even make a note of it but I

remember it

um he just like pulled out he was like

she's like do you want some of this soup

and he like pulls out his second yeah

um

so yeah

um and then like the friend is like by

the way he's like totally into you she's

like no he's not he just feels bad that

I'm dying

um so

then she starts to panic that she

realizes she hasn't been to work for

three days

um and she's probably lost this bonus

that she was working so hard for

um

so uh yeah the teammate won't leave her

side until Weston comes back

um

and he's like Weston is like hey

um

I would like to remain close friends who

have really hot sex for years to come

like like that's his version like that's

his commitment talk is like no like I I

love you and I want to stay close

friends forever and continue to have

super awesome sex and not be close

friends with anyone else right

um

so she's like yeah I love you too

um it's great so

um then he gets the hockey players to

Stage a protest at the bar so that she

still gets her

um bonus which is really sweet

um and all the guys are in on it because

they all love Abby and so they're all

standing up for her which is a very nice

heartwarming moment ah

um

uh Weston wins the playoffs

um are we like at the happily ever after

we're so close okay well I was like

she gets her bonus he wins the playoffs

they're gonna be close friends who bone

we're committed

so

um and she officially took the local job

um the flannel the flannel company not

making the actual textiles um and she

got a new apartment that has heat that

works oh even better we love to see it

um so her stepdad is dropping off some

of her mother's things now that she has

a larger space she can take them

um and he says his new assistant is

bringing up the boxes and she's like

that seems like a weird overstep for

your new assistant to be moving [ __ ]

um but okay uh my notes say uh oh it's

step brother

he got fired from the bar for stealing

liquor

um that's what he got fired for of all

of the [ __ ] not the groping but putting

putting vodka down his pants I'm

assuming an Obama

I heard it as I said it I was like in

the bottle

yeah you know what if if I managed a bar

and I found one of my employees just

pouring vodka down their pants I'd

probably fire them too yeah either way

like whether it is

being poured were placed from the bot

like in the bottle into your pants

either way it's not it's not good yeah

um so then he's all like I want a proper

thank you for carrying this [ __ ] and

like physically pinch her to the wall

and starts like hurting her

um so she needs him in the nuts he calls

her a bunch of names and then step dad

comes in and he's like what is happening

so he kicks step brother out

and she starts to go into shock a little

bit when Weston shows up

um and um he tells the stepdad

everything that the brother has been

doing

um and he's like maybe if you paid

better attention to her like the [ __ ]

wouldn't have happened like absolutely

not

um and so then uh The Stepfather agrees

that she never has to see him again like

if she decides to come to his home for

holidays

and he said he apologizes for not

listening

um and then

we're flashing forward again

it's Thanksgiving the following year oh

um Weston is driving

um to his parents or to his dad's

um Abby is spending the holiday with

them

and they are planning to move in

together when Weston graduates pretty

soon

um they're just super happy they

exchange anniversary gifts in the car

before they get out he gives her the

bottle of wine they never got to share

their first Thanksgiving and she gives

him a card with the 25 she never paid

him and that's the end

oh that's so cute it is cute like it's

super cute yeah although it does kind of

annoy me that stepdad didn't take it

seriously until her boyfriend

like verified all of the [ __ ] that

stepbrother was doing yeah that wasn't

great but like in the epilogue or

whatever

um it does say that he has the

stepfather has been making more and more

effort effort to spend time with her and

even said that if they wanted to go to

his house for Thanksgiving that The

Stepbrother could find other places to

be

um and that he and new wife started

marriage counseling because of these

incidents so that they could communicate

more effectively communicate communicate

I was hoping you wouldn't catch it

listen as the person who's normally the

one [ __ ] up all of the very simple

words I just really needed to take this

moment I can appreciate that yeah

did she end up going to Weston's

sister's wedding

yeah I think that was in the epilogue

somewhere that like I don't remember

like at every there was a nice pretty

bow on the package there wasn't uh

anything about the wedding there wasn't

like a chapter dedicated to it or

anything but it seems like it and his

dad seems to be showing out less just

generally everyone's in a better place

we love that what a cute little like

Thanksgiving holiday book it is pretty

cute

like not gonna win awards no but it's a

it feels nice like there's not a ton of

angst

there's like yeah just like the the come

like as weird as it sounds like the

comforting level of angst not where

you're like I need to put this book down

this is like too much yeah I need to

watch an episode of shit's creek and try

to go to sleep I can't do this anymore I

yeah no we're not there at all Vance and

I have been re-watching Parks and Rec

it's just

so endearing it really is have you

watched Abbott Elementary

you should watch Abbott Elementary okay

it's like the school education version

of parks and rec

um Cheryl Lee Ralph just won best

supporting actress for it which she was

like not expecting to get and was like

she beat out like all of the girls in

like Ted lasso oh yeah

um and

did it get best new show it got another

big award but then there was this like

whole like Scandal not Scandal like

Jimmy Kimmel like did this bit on stage

like you like really took away from this

like historic win I don't know it was a

whole thing regardless it's like that

like the same level of like yeah

mockumentary yeah kind of but like not

in the painful way that the office

exists

yeah the office can be painful like it's

it's funny but it can be painful this is

not one of those like it's just nice

like this book is just nice it really is

so all right what's our ratings go

um hockey sticks I was I was gonna say

hockey pucks we could do sticks

Ducks sticks puck bunnies no we don't

need to do bunnies

um bottles of wine oh

oh [ __ ] I can't drink some wine right

now drink some wine right now I could

I'm sorry buddy

um

yeah I don't know what let's do

hockey sticks

okay how many hockey sticks I would get

it

um I want to say like

four out of six hockey sticks okay like

it's a it's a feel-good book that's like

66 that's two yeah yeah

I think that sounds yeah it's like fun

it's heartwarming it's just like a good

cozy holiday read yes okay four out of

six or I think we worked on this

fraction last time we did two out of

three nailed it

I I couldn't I couldn't make it a large

eight out of 12.

okay look we did oh 16 out of 24.

stop it

is that right

1624. yeah I know it is right 32 out of

48. look at my math

I feel oddly the worst part of this is

that I'm just like yeah okay I have no

idea if you're right and I'm not even

gonna try I do I can't wait for someone

to listen and comment and be like

Chelsea you really [ __ ] up those

fractions they were not correct at all

yeah but you have the excuse that your

eyeball doesn't work I don't know how

that would impact your ability to do

fractions in your head but no it's

taking a lot of my mental energy like

the focusing on my eye like like trying

to see trying to like do normal things

it is harder than I expected

um that's fair so yeah we'll go four out

of six hockey sticks

um thanks for joining us let us know how

many hockey sticks you would give it and

then join us next week for our final

episode of smut Club season one Happy

Thanksgiving everybody Happy

Thanksgiving also teaser

we're going to circle back to our old

friend Jan JS Scott [ __ ] Jan y'all

[ __ ] Jan she's she's nothing if not

consistent so we'll see you then a Happy

Thanksgiving bye bye y'all

that's it for this week's mud [ __ ] we

hope it was good for you cause it sure

was great for us

if you're digging what we're doing it

a lot if you'd take a minute to rate and

review the show wherever you're

listening right now

baby tell that sexy someone to Linda

senior we love you we appreciate you

we'll see you next week

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[Music]