Smut Club

well

hello all you beautiful people

you know what time it is

[Music]

ladies and gents

guys and dolls and everyone in between

gather round

get you something real nice to sip on

and comfy to slip on

because it's time

for smut club

here's your hosts chelsea and hannah

[Music]

[Laughter]

good evening or morning or whenever you

happen to be listening to this and

welcome to smug club i'm hannah and i'm

chelsea

and let's do this so today we decided to

do we're just jumping we're like

no frills we're like we are doing this

[ __ ] [ __ ] today doing this because

honestly

chelsea told me to read this book okay

and it happens to be a seven book series

and thank god i'm so excited for this

whole journey

genuinely it is one of those seven not

including prequels none other including

prequels and other books within the same

universe sure is it really whatever it's

all in maine it's terrible it is one of

the

worst one of the worst things i have

ever experienced and i loved every

minute of it yeah like it was a train

wreck that you couldn't look away and

you're like

this is truly atrocious and i am turning

the pages of this book like

like someone is paying me to do it i

need to know what happens even though

the whole time you're reading it like

i highlighted some quotes that i'll have

to find

yes do it they were really atrocious

terrible all right so the book is called

no ordinary billionaire by j.s scott and

just so y'all are aware js her first

name is is jan

and

if you are in a safe place and not

driving or something please look up a

photo of jan

immediately okay but do you think

that that's an actual photo of j.s scott

or do you think like someone's like yeah

like i go by jay scott my name's jan but

it's really like

a 40 year old dude writing bad erotica

or do you actually think it's an older

woman writing bad erotica it's still bad

erotica either way bad smut

so i almost just said something really

terrible along the lines of like given

the photo it could go either way

yeah you're not

like honestly i think when i first read

like oh j.s scott she goes by jan and

then when i looked at the photo i was

like is she real like i didn't doubt it

until i looked at the photo and then it

almost felt like a little like murder

she wrote yes like she is attempting a

smolder in the photo

she is attempting a full smolder to the

point where i didn't even realize it

because i got to the end of i think the

second book and was so

just flabbergasted by what i saw in the

about the author that i took a

screenshot and texted it to chelsea and

said this is our dear friend jan and

like

yeah so anyway no ordinary billionaire

um

so no ordinary billionaire what's it

about that's what we're here for uh-huh

and they're spoilers they will all say

that at the beginning of the last one

they're spoilers just expect them always

i don't know what you're doing listening

to us if you aren't expecting spoilers

you should probably adjust your

expectations

um or just read the book before you

listen to the podcast yes

so no ordinary billionaire

is about

a billionaire

who he grew up with money he grew up in

a billionaire family with an alcoholic

abusive father

and so he's like i don't need my money

i'm just gonna move to l.a and be

a detective a homicide detective

homicide and he has four siblings three

brothers and a sister

yes

and so

as a homicide detective the book opens

where dante the homicide detective the

billionaire homicide detective has been

shot

a lot like several times several times

and his partner is dead

no yep patrick

patrick yes man i got that right patrick

was shot in the head

and dante was shot several times trying

to protect him and then he

was eventually able to kill the

perpetrator who was in fact a serial

killer

yes yeah so dante feels a lot of guilt

yes over the survivor skill they're very

specific about the kind of guilt he was

feeling and it was survivor's guilt are

you sure they didn't mention it enough

times in the book

maybe i should go back and reread it and

make sure it was survivor's guilt let me

double check so dante

his siblings there's a city in maine and

they own a peninsula

and once they're billionaires because

they're billionaires and that's what

they do they own a whole peninsula so

his one of his brothers that you'll meet

in this book but has another book

dedicated to his love journey um he

decides that

he's not going to like tell all of his

siblings that he's building these houses

because he wants them all to live there

but he like builds a house for each of

his

five siblings or four siblings

on this peninsula yep so that they're

all like millionaire sibling neighbors

on a peninsula that they all own so they

have a sort of compound and all the

houses have guest houses which isn't

relevant currently but will be

eventually yes so maybe not even in this

episode you'll have to keep checking in

my future episodes stay tuned y'all

because it just continues to be terrible

so

dante injured in the line of duty has to

move to maine to his mansion

in on this family peninsula to

recuperate and recover

and there's and he's like 30 or 31 years

old and there's a hot young doctor in

town named sarah so this is

just honestly

my favorite so she so this this woman is

27 years old all right and she is like

mensa level genius like she's [ __ ]

brilliant and

finished college at like 12

right and then like went to med school

and then she was an internist at

at a major chicago hospital for a little

while and for some reason which is

alluded to to being somewhat traumatic

in the beginning of the book she decides

to move to this small town in maine

because she doesn't want to be in

chicago anymore right

yes and she

also like and this is no knock on the

homeschooled community sure she does

have a homeschool energy about her like

like the whole thing is like she's very

sheltered she doesn't have a lot of

experience she's like very naive because

she spent her entire her entire life

learning her father is deceased and her

mother is an academic who's just like

you need to find someone to marry who's

your same iq level so you can procreate

and contribute to the scientific

community with your genius children yes

yes

so she is making a house call for dante

so he he's coming to

whatever the [ __ ] ames

yeah

it's a place in maine so

so he has gone there to recuperate

with his uh

one of his brothers who lives

permanently on the peninsula and his

other brothers are coming to like take

care of him whatever like he's realizing

he's had a distant relationship with his

siblings and like they've never been

that close and he's like oh but they all

like showed up when i needed them when i

when i like got shot yeah i guess that's

like a nice thing to do and i'm like

yeah no [ __ ] when you get shot the

people who love you and care about you

show up and help make sure you're okay

i didn't think that was revolutionary

apparently it was

and so

dante should talk to someone about that

yeah

not me

no i'm also not taking new clients for

the record so

sarah the hot mensa level genius doctor

shows up to dante's mansion

making a house call and she knocks and

nobody answers and then she is like oh

my god what if he's like hurt in there

like what if he's passed out or

something and so she tries the door and

it's unlocked and she starts yelling for

him and nobody answers and then she

finds him in the basement like working

out that's where his home gem is right

in the home gym obviously so he has

several cracked ribs and a couple of

bullet wounds he was wearing a vest

hence the cracked ribs so

she finds him like lifting weights and

she's like what the [ __ ] are you doing

like what are you thinking she doesn't

say [ __ ] because she's very professional

but she's like what are you doing you

need to stop that and he's like i don't

need a babysitter and she's like i'm

here to take care of you and he's like

the only way you can take care of me is

to turn around and bend over

and

she just ignores that like that's not

even i'm not even exaggerating or making

a joke like that's literally the words

that come out of this man's mouth

or that were written by jan

[ __ ] jan god damn it jan honestly i

like i text tana while reading this one

and i was like

i was trying to highlight a few just

like hilarious passages to me but then i

was like oh no i need more context

because this is all so funny and then i

was like oh if i keep highlighting it's

just going to be the entire chapter

and i was like i'm just going to

highlight the whole book because it's

all so comical to me also i would like

to know this book is like pretty well

reviewed yeah like 3.9 stars with like

tens of thousands of reviews yeah hold

on let me pull it up yes it's a lot so

while hannah's looking up what the

actual rating is so this this exchange

goes down and then

sarah is like i'm just here to take care

of you just take your pills and is like

trying to like debate him

and dante this is now in the kitchen

they're no longer in the gym and she

like pours a glass of water and has his

pills are there and then she's like take

them and he gets pissed and he

swipes like the glass off the table and

it shatters on the ground and sarah is

barefoot in his house yeah so it had

been raining so she took her shoes off

when she went into the house

to not

whatever jan clearly set it up so that

sarah would cut her feet yes

so yes and however she got there sarah's

barefoot dante swipes a glass off the

table in anger the glass shatters and

sarah just like

walks on it accidentally i'm like i'm

still a little confused but then like

her feet

are very bloody and so then she's like

i'm fine and all it's i don't have to we

don't have to work together and it's

like whatever i don't she's like you

will not take me to the hospital i'm

your physician

and then

she limps home on bloody feet

um and dante feels real bad p.s

3.91 stars 19 200

nice round number

ratings on the goodreads

so like

really well reviewed all these yeah

um so yes

sarah has janky ass feet now because

they are cut up uh-huh and she's like

i'm a physician i can handle this myself

and it's all superficial so it's fine

and i'm just gonna bandage them and it's

fine and dante feels real bad so he

calls his brother who lives on the

peninsula grady

grady's married to emily they have

another book it's the prequel i haven't

read it yet um

he calls dante and his letter dante

calls grady and is like hey

what's i need to like make this up to

sarah and so he shows up at her house

with lobster rolls and then discovers

lobster rolls

are fantastic and eats several of the

lobster rolls

so he showed up with six of them and she

was like please have some and he was

like no they're for you and she's like

you are a dumbass i can't eat six

lobster rolls like i am not a sumo

wrestler like she doesn't say that but

that's what i imagine

she said she could eat several she's

like they're so good i could eat all of

them

i don't she might have said it yeah

because honestly it

i could have misinterpreted there's a

high chance i did i had a decent amount

of wine before i drank this book

so

um

yes

also had a decent amount of wine now

thank you

bota box

we drink a decent amount of butter box

and we're not technically sponsored by

bota box but it'd be a lot cooler for if

we were yeah so i was drinking butter

box then i'm drinking box now

um i don't fully remember where we were

at other than

dante he brought the lobster rolls oh no

because i was legitimately thinking

because i however i think i may have

misread it because i remember thinking

she was like i could eat all of these

because they're so good then i was like

where's she gonna put all that food and

like can i was like how big is a lobster

roll and then i spent a lot of time

thinking about the size of lobster rolls

not focusing on the book but there

wasn't a lot to focus on at this point

so i didn't feel like i was losing sleep

you know to be totally fair there's not

a lot of folk a lot to focus on

throughout well so like just kind of

speeding up maybe there's too much to

focus right well all right so then dante

makes out with her it's like i'm really

into her yeah and like makes out with

her and she's like i'm your physician we

can't what about my ethics um yeah and

so then she decides she's like gonna

refer him out to another doctor in town

and then he's just kind of like

automatically assumes like cool we're

together

she's mine right

and mine is a big word

he says mine a lot like it's like always

italicized like what is that finding

nemo like the the seagulls on finding me

nemo like he's just like mine fine fine

it does yeah that's a great yes it does

feel that way because i'm like cool we

get it you're possessive right and it's

super cute and we love that but i was

like we like don't

we don't we don't

well i'm just like there are scenes

where he's like and she was wearing a

pair of shorts that went almost to her

needs that that would have looked so bad

on someone else but on her they were so

sexy and i'm like right i have never in

my life seen a pair of bermuda shorts

i've gotten hot and i think like that i

was like no there's this is an

attraction listen

as a bisexual woman no

no

we don't do that

as a bisexual woman you also aren't into

bermuda stream

i don't know i can't speak for lesbians

i mean i could call my sister in check

but i feel pretty confident that just

generally bermuda shorts are a no

you know

like i feel like bermuda shorts or what

i wore

on my middle school youtube yes yes

mission trip yes because they had to go

past the tips of my middle fingers yes

yes

thank you oh the we we can talk about

purity culture and a whole i'm sure

there's a book about it that we can read

at some point religious trauma is for

later

and there's definitely plenty

so

dante and sarah he decides

he's into her she's like we can't

because i'm your doctor and i have

ethics and then she decides she's gonna

refer him out but like doesn't really

tell him she's gonna refer him out um

but then he requests a different doctor

anyway before she can refer him out yeah

yeah that's fair yeah

so also we forgot to mention that she's

like a music prodigy

oh yes and so the youth center which is

really just a community center because

there's also elderly people bingo that

happens but i'm like that's not youth

it's the elderly it is for the old and

so

they

the youth center is this like really

bougie

community place because grady dante's

billionaire brother had donated a lot of

money in the prequel

and like revived it and so they're like

it's not like a normal youth center

there's like a ballroom and i'm like

i know a major grand piano like a

beautiful expensive grand piano they're

like here's a bunch of really nice

instruments for people who might want to

learn them at some point right so sarah

teaches piano to children but she also

plays for the olds before the bingo yes

pretty bingo they like they show up like

a half hour early and she does like a

little piano concert for them and that's

when the bermuda shorts happen so dante

shows up to like watch her play and he's

like i will [ __ ] her on that piano bench

as long as she's wearing those shorts

i've never been harder in my life i will

work around the shorts

i don't i don't think he was trying to

work around the shorts i was trying i

think he was really trying to fit them

into it

he's like how do i make these work for

me they're all part of this

so

i don't fully remember everything that

happens hannah's better at the details

i'm better at the general storyline um

so like dante and sarah are hanging out

and you're like cool what's really

happening you guys aren't really a thing

yet you've like made out once like we're

still in that territory and then they

he's like he takes sarah home and they

get to sarah's house

and sarah's house has been destroyed

just absolutely trash what did the wall

say like die [ __ ] die [ __ ] yeah yeah

like all of her clothing has been cut up

everything she owns has been completely

destroyed all her furniture like

everything's ruined and luckily we

forgot to mention coco the dog luckily

she had coco with her

when this transpired so coco was safe

don't panic

i know you didn't know about coco till

just now but don't worry no animals were

harmed in the making of j.s scott's no

ordinary billionaire which i appreciate

because i would have stopped reading you

know that's valid if something happened

to the dog i'd be like this is like

[ __ ] up [ __ ] knife handle in the ass

all right

but damage to an animal cruelty i'm not

i'm out i'm out like if you want to

stick a knife up your ass you live your

life but you do not harm an animal in

the making oh my gosh

i also

hope someone listens to this episode at

some point not knowing that we reviewed

dinner vipers so they have no context

when we're talking about a knife up yes

if you haven't

listen to that just just pause now and

go back and listen to episode one where

we talk about den of vipers and all of

this will make more sense thank you

sorry if

the ass knives have traumatized you

so

so sarah's house is destroyed and

dante's like you're staying with me so

he then

is oh but also you find out like you get

a little bit of detail of why her house

is destroyed because that is pertinent

yeah yeah so the cops show up and the

local cops are like sarah this might be

connected to what happened to you in

chicago and dante's like the [ __ ] what

happened to you what happened

i'm a homicide detective

she's like mind your own business and

he's like you're staying with me so he

takes her home

to his home on the peninsula that he

owns

on the sibling peninsula on the sibling

peninsula

and so then

so

he then like calls in some favors i

guess he does something shady to get all

the details of what happened to her in

chicago

and then

she winds up coming to him on her own

and telling him

that she had a patient

that was hit by a drunk driver he and

his mom

the mom died the son lived but was very

injured and she really liked the sun and

was helping him but then the sun coded

suddenly and kind of unexpectedly while

she was in the room with him and his dad

was there and they were not able to

revive him so the son died and then

apparently the dad was real upset

understandable but he decided to kill

her

not understandable and

thank you for that caveat you're like

totally understand why he was upset did

he try to kill her don't understand

like maybe

there's a line so

he tries to stab her to death in the

stairwell at the hospital because she

likes to walk everywhere she does she

enjoys the walking

she does which dante does not like

because she's like i'm just gonna walk

around town i'm gonna walk home from the

youth center and he's like you can't

walk home from the youth center it's not

safe get in my car yeah

well like just like a little

unnecessarily like territorial and

aggressive throughout the whole thing

that you're like we get it

you

feel inadequate and like to whip your

dick around it's fine

at least that was my interpretation yeah

well and it's all packaged it's very

protective but it's like this is

like really it's just controlling and

weird yeah it feels like you don't have

great boundaries or a great

understanding of what a healthy

relationship looks like and so instead

you think this is normal

right and instead of being normal you're

just like super possessive and dominant

and just like perpetually shouting like

mine

right right and so so she she tells him

all of this right and he's like i'm

gonna kill the bastard because the guy

got away

and she lived because she was in the

hospital a luckily yes she was like if i

hadn't have been in the hospital when he

cut this i would have died she was

stabbed 20 times 20 times 20 well you

find out later it was with a pocket

knife right but regardless like i

i

have worked with a lot of people right

and one of the people i've worked with

was shot five times and like he by the

cops and he very nearly died like real

close and like i also know somebody that

was stabbed like six or seven times and

she like came real close to dying and so

it's like 20 times dude like were you

not trying

honestly that was my exact cause like

later they're like it was a small knife

it would have been worse it would have

been more lethal but i'm like 20 you're

just not good at killing someone well

and also it's like she he wasn't

stabbing her in like the thighs and the

arms or the back or something he was

stabbing her in the torso like

there's some vital stuff in there

well and you you see the scars

very soon actually that's a whole thing

that we'll get to momentarily but i i

did have that thought where i'm like so

20 stab wounds

is a lot like the chances of being like

i was stabbed 20 times and miraculously

all vital organs were missed

um just doesn't feel

realistic or true to myself because

that's what we're worried about with

this whole situation is that it's

realistic no ordinary billionaire the

homicide the la homicide detective

billionaire being realistic and we'll

get to why that's even less realistic

that the son of a [ __ ] stabbed her 20

times and didn't hit anything vital so

anyway so she comes downstairs and she's

like i can't sleep and he's like well

you should be resting or you've had a

tough day and she's like he's like i

want to [ __ ] you but i'm not gonna do it

now because you're all upset and she's

like and like i just when you say that

that is almost verbatim like he's like

very aggressively sexual and she's like

yeah i'm a little tired and he's like i

want to stuff my [ __ ] and your wet [ __ ]

and you're like hey

i didn't

we're like she's like i'm a little

peckish like i could go for a snack and

he's like

i will snack on your house yeah and

you're like i don't i just really wanted

some cheese like i will devour your hot

[ __ ] and it's like okay

yeah you're like i really

it didn't need to go that hard right but

he he's like i guess this is j scott's

version of him being like chivalrous or

something where she's like i'm he he

says like i'm not gonna [ __ ] you because

you've had a hard day and you're

emotional so and she's like you won't

like what you see when i'm naked anyway

and so she takes off the shirt that

she's wearing and his shirt his shirt

right because all of her clothing has

been destroyed abs so she takes off his

shirt that she was sleeping in and like

shows him all her stab wounds and he is

like

cover yourself because he can't handle

it because he's about to like jump her

bones but she thinks that he's like ew

gross cover it up

so she runs out and then he's like oh

[ __ ] that's not what i meant so yeah it

goes upstairs and they [ __ ]

oh no we're gonna break that down a

little bit more so

yes everything that you just said very

much happened technically true

where like

also i kind of wish that like they had

written the scene where she took the

shirt off from her perspective and then

when she ran out zenith switched to his

perspective right because reading it

even from his perspective i was like oh

i already know where this is going he

thinks he's being chivalrous but he

doesn't say anything outside of like

cover yourself because in his head he's

like i don't want to take advantage of

her she's vulnerable right now so he's

like cover yourself you need to go rest

and sleep and she's like oh like you i

knew like i told you like you wouldn't

like what you saw anyway and like runs

out and it's like distraught that like

this dude that she's super into

doesn't find her sexually attractive

when really he does and so it's like

i i do wish that that part like reading

it from his perspective i was like i see

exactly how this is going to play out

but i almost wish like i could have

experienced

the initial half from her perspective

because like i feel like that was more

pertinent yeah

but yeah so then she like runs out and

she's like i know you like wouldn't like

what i what you saw anyway and like you

like wouldn't think my body was

beautiful because i have 20 stab wounds

in my gut

and

so then

he's like [ __ ] being chivalrous i want

her to know i'm gonna conquer her [ __ ]

is eventually like it's kind of a

general tone so he goes into her bedroom

mind you he's still recovering from some

stab wounds throws like a concussion or

something like he's injured like broken

ribs yes yeah shot so he throws her over

his shoulder which he has no business

carrying a grown-ass woman because as we

said he's injured and takes her to his

room

and then

handcuffs her oh yeah i forgot about the

handcuffs yes like their first sexual

encounter also also worth noting sarah's

only sexual experience was with a fellow

medical student they had sex one time it

was not life-changing as no one is

surprised by um it was not good it was

not life-changing he dumped her the next

day and she's like i don't get all the

hype about sex or whatever i'm just uh

smartly about procreating the species

procreating because i'm a genius and i

need to like pass that along to other

people

right the world needs my genetics yes so

like this is really for all intents and

purposes

her

sexual awakening yeah i might be getting

into this a little too much but i'm like

no you're right it is because she

has had one sexual experience ever

is then like i'm gonna take this shirt

off show this man my naked body feel

rejected by him right and he throws her

over his shoulder and then handcuffs her

right and then is like you're arrested

and she's like what am i arrested for

and he's like fleeing the scene of the

crime and she's like what's the crime i

don't i honestly don't fully remember

this and he was something about like

giving him a hard-on or something i

don't know

it was like fleeing the scene of the

crime and causing arousal something that

you're like what the [ __ ] is happening

uh-huh

so

then he

changes the handcuffs where he then

handcuffs her to the bed frame yeah and

i would just like to note this is her

second sexual experience ever ever in

life and this feels a little much like

read the room dante

this feels aggressive uh-huh and so then

he

goes down on her changes her world rocks

her world whatever happens right well

and then she like

she's like

the handcuffs are hurting me because she

knew that he would take her out of them

if he thought they were hurting her so

that she could touch him yeah she was

like i really want to touch him but i

know i'm handcuffed so i'm just gonna

lie and tell him that they're hurting me

so then he'll feel bad that he hurt me

and then i can take the handcuffs off

and touch him and you're like

what could you have just told him i

wanted to touch him yeah so then they

[ __ ]

plot twist

then they [ __ ]

yes

and so

then like

she's now told him the whole story about

what happened in chicago

she also has panic attacks anytime she

gets anywhere near a hospital but that's

her only

i

this did stand out to me that's the only

side effect from almost being murdered

that's her only trauma response only

trauma yeah from she's like i get panic

attacks when i think about going inside

a hospital i'm like that's all

that's the only

20 stab wounds 20 stab wounds and you're

like i just can't go in hospitals

anymore i'm like i think maybe we need

to process this a little bit more right

so then he

like dante decides he's going to be her

protector like he appoints himself the

protector so he doesn't want her to go

outside

because the madman who destroyed your

house is probably still on the loose so

like you can't go anywhere without me

don't worry about the madman that is

holding you hostage essentially

don't worry about this is it yeah and

cuffing you to the back

man who handcuffed you to a bed

worry about the madman who

gave you panic attacks for hospitals

to be fair

so dante is like you can't go anywhere

without me you have to stay in the house

he doesn't want her teaching her piano

lessons or playing for the old people at

the bingo

and

whatever

so eventually oh oh oh and also so he

starts learning more and more about her

like that she never learned how to ride

a bike

so then yeah so you start to learn all

these things where like because of the

academic educational upbringing that she

had that was so like focused on her

being a genius she never really had a

true childhood right so dante then takes

it upon himself to give her this

childhood so he like teaches her to ride

a bike he buys her a doll

it he does all these stuff did the doll

part make you feel weird as well yeah

that's just me yeah i'm like you're

buying a grown-ass woman a doll and

she's a little too into this doll she

was very into the doll it was a

victorian like replica situation good

news guys if you're into dolls the

second book in this series is about the

girl who ran the doll shop who hand

makes the dolls so

all that's going on and she's like you

can't keep me inside forever you're

gonna have to go back to la eventually

like you can't keep doing this blah blah

blah blah so she eventually talks him

into

letting her teaching the teach the

lessons again right yes like he's he's

starting to be like okay like you can

like go on your house calls for work and

like i'll go with you and so he's like

starting to be like okay like we can go

back into the world a little bit but

like

the working theory has been that the

dude who wants to kill her

is still in town right right but she's

also like i gotta like do something and

move on with my life so she also we left

out so all her clothes were destroyed

and

grady's wife so the brother

mil the billionaire brother's wife we

love alliteration billionaire brothers

bride

[Laughter]

nailed it

um he

so she

buys sarah like a whole new wardrobe

with dante's money and sarah's super

uncomfortable and

so emily is the wife's name so emily and

this chick named randy who's another

random friend her name is miranda she

goes by randy

in town they are around this whole time

like talking to sarah and telling her

like we think dante's in love with you

and she's like what

no

no he just let you spend like

thousands of dollars on a new wardrobe

for me and he like buys me all these

things and like

had he

he didn't buy her a new car

no that's the second that's the second

book

that's another brother get stoked for

that review in the future

um

shout out for the forbidden billionaire

so

then

um so the the girls are around they're

supporting and that's relevant because

they're supporting her

like pursuing dante

she goes back to the the youth center

she's playing the piano dante has

checked the whole building to make sure

that it's safe

and then somehow

this man yes after the concert has ended

the old people are starting to clear out

they're starting to go to the bingo room

and leaving the music room and dante and

the police chief have checked the youth

center yes to make sure that it is safe

and everything is okay yes

and then

somehow

the

dude whose last name i don't remember um

really mad dad

shows up so if i can't do alliteration

i'm gonna do rhyming so the really mad

dad

somehow shows up and puts a gun to

sarah's head

and he keeps

emily

the the sister-in-law and randy the

other friend

in the room and kicks everybody else out

including dante

and unlocks the door and locks the door

which i'm also like

how like logistically i have some

questions about this i'm like cool so

he's holding a gun to sarah's head

and everyone including dante just clears

out of the room except emily and randy

well like he i guess said something

about them having to stay

yeah it wasn't it wasn't clear no there

was a lot of clearing around dane yes

jan

can you rewrite this scene and come back

to us

jan please email me

like

i don't know maybe we'll have a website

someday and you can email me about what

the [ __ ] was supposed to be happening in

this scene because i have a lot of

questions

so regardless of how it happened

emily randy and sarah are in the room

with the guy with the gun

more alliteration and then

sorry and then

sarah because she's a mental level

genius is wanting to protect the other

two women so she's like trying to figure

out how to get them out and he's talking

about how he wanted to quote use her

which i guess was like a euphemism for

rape her

and so she's like well you're not gonna

be able to rape me if these other two

[ __ ] are here so you should let them

go i guess

but also before he can she convinces him

to let them go

um we find out why he actually wanted to

kill her and it's not because he's upset

about the death of his son and his wife

it's because y'all you weren't ready for

this

he's

a

a serial killer the windy city carver

the windy city carver that is infamous

and everyone knows about the serial

killer who's never been caught and so

he's upset because his wife and son died

and that meant that he lost his cover

for being a serial killer and even

dante's like even i've heard of the

windy city carver out in l.a

and so you're like oh so plot twist it's

honestly like i don't feel like i needed

him to be the windy city carver he could

have just wanted to kill sarah because

his son had died and that would have

been enough anger for me it was not at

all necessary well and i'd also just

like to bring up a quote please do um

please so

dante then is like how did he get in and

then he like goes outside and sees a

window to like a room that like is

supposed to be a windowless room that

was covered and that's how he like broke

the window and got in and he's like i

was listening on the other side of the

wall and was like trying to figure out

how to make my move

i was gonna bring this up it's

horrifying

and then he was like i decided he like

decided to make his move once he heard

the dude talk about cutting off her

nipples yeah and yeah yeah i

just really love the line i'll take your

nipples for a reminder of how much i

enjoyed slicing you up john john told

her now sounding crazed then he sounds

crazy

also y'all that's a direct quote from

the book and i'm like i have some

questions about his trophy case because

like aren't like just like pepperonis

i'm getting like an ed geen vibe like

was it a nipple belt

you know oh because ed gein did make a

nipple belt was is it like a like like a

sort of uh edging situation on a lamp

uh

are you doing like are you cutting the

nipple in half so they're half circles

for an additional trim detail face

scallop a scallop scalloped edge yeah a

scalloped edge made of nipples

yeah so i don't know that line really

stood out to me when he said i'll take

your nipples for a reminder of how much

i enjoyed slicing you up and i'm like

that scalloped edge on my lamp is what i

look at whatever i want to remember that

i enjoyed slicing you up

and that's what honestly pushed dante

over the edge so he busts in

right

and goes for

also please no this is 75 of the way

through the book right it's like so we

should be at 85

you know like we should be at 85. so

dante basin saved the day in the process

of saving her he falls and strikes his

head on the platform that the

piano is sitting on

and um still somehow gets up and

continues to fight this guy

he tells what's her noodle sarah he

tells sarah the main girl the book

what's her noodle you knew who i met i

did he tells her to run and instead of

running out of the room she runs in

front of john who's trying to escape and

knees him in the balls which then gives

dante the opportunity to shoot him in

the face or the chest i don't remember

also worth noting at one point sarah is

like you can't rape me if there's other

girls in the room which i also feel like

he could he could have

i don't want him to please really hear

me condoning or endorsing but i'm just

like i don't really feel like given

where he was at in life like that was

what was stopping him yeah

yeah like where there's a will there's a

way but also like

uh like morning father is plenty of

cover like he didn't need exactly i'm

like you're distraught that your kid

died i really didn't need a serial

killer

but it was funny because like she

convinces him to like let

randy and emily out and then she was

like you need to go tell dante that he's

the windy city carver he'll know what

that means and you're like right like

that's what's important like don't tell

him that i love him or like that

oh you know i whatever like there's no

declarations it's like tell him he's the

windy city carver k bye like what

truly okay i guess whatever

so then dante sustains a head injury he

does so

uh john is dead

and dante is injured and so

so sarah

he gets injured and sarah is like the

emt show up and they're like we'll

handle this and she's like i'm a doctor

let me handle this and she's like i'm

gonna hop in the ambulance and like so

good news guys she overcomes her fear of

hospitals she does because she doesn't

notice that she's in a hospital because

she's so fixated on dante yes honestly

like the way that they're healing each

other is really beautiful and not at all

codependent not at all and we forgot

that part of the way that dante heals

from all of this is like he has a lot of

survivor's guilt and after he like

swipes the

glass and sarah cuts her feet she tells

him that he's a [ __ ] idiot and he

needs to pick take his pain medicine

because patrick the the partner wouldn't

want him to be in pain and patrick's

like oh or dante's like oh yeah that's

that's true i should take my pain meds

and i should call patrick's wife and son

and so they remember that i love them

and i'm here for them and it's like okay

so

sarah

so dante's healed from the survivor's

guilt sarah is healed from the cuts on

her feet

i like that we

i mean to be fair her feet cuts healed a

long time ago they did and also she's

healed from the

hospital phobia she's now more real only

her only trauma from almost being

murdered and stabbed 20 times was a fear

of hospitals and good news dante's head

injury

and her almost being murdered again

right um led to her getting over this

fear because she didn't even realize she

was in a hospital because she was so

focused on dante's recovery

and you know a madman

threatening to rape her and mutilate her

horribly

was like all good because she was

focused on dante so

then there's a lot of like well dante's

leaving like we can't really be together

dentist is going back to l.a there's a

timeline

so

then

dante is like come with me to la i love

you

whatever and she's like well i'm gonna

need at least a month or two to like

work out my patients and he's like two

weeks and she's like nah man like legit

it has to be a month or two like i can't

just leave these people and he's like

okay so then he gets on the plane to go

back to

l.a

and his brother's private plane worth

noting this is not a commercial flight

they're billionaires they're better than

that he doesn't have a commercial plane

or he doesn't have a private plane um

but he does enjoy using his brothers yes

and um the flight was delayed and sarah

doesn't know that so she texts him

thinking that he'll get it when he lands

she texts him telling him that she loves

him and there's a lot of other [ __ ] in

there i don't remember like it wasn't

just a like cool i love you like it was

like a lot of things that she said it's

like i need to like really like tell you

like these i need to like

my feelings like let me count the ways

whatever so

he gets it because the flight was

delayed and he's like oh my god and

tells the pilot to like we're not

leaving and gets off

and is like i love you too this is

amazing and then they [ __ ] again and

also the chief of police of the town had

been offering dante a job this whole

time and dante had been like nah dude

like i gotta go back to la and then he's

like well because in in la he was a

homicide homicide detective and

um he was offered a job with the

aimsport amesbury

[Laughter]

so yeah the like the chief keeps

offering him jobs that he kind of keeps

like turning his nose about them because

he's like i'm a homicide detective right

like in the book his hair is not that

long in the book his hair is pretty

short but i imagine when he says

homicide detective that he's doing like

a really legit hair flip

like an over the shoulder i imagined it

as a crew cut hair flip

well i mean just like it grew out for

that scene like only when he's only for

that scene he put a wig on to flip his

hair

and then he took it off yes

yeah yeah yeah so regardless he's like

you love it here

your life is here i don't know what i

was thinking i'm gonna stay with you

forever i love you let's get married and

she's like okay

and then

she's like maybe next year and he's like

no

next month and she's like the [ __ ]

i need at least a year to plan a wedding

he's like no you don't make it three

weeks

which is weird right it is weird like

what's the rush man like she's she's

already locked down like what are you

trying to do something he's like no i

won't wait

won't wait a year for you to be my wife

and i'm like

okay but like does it really change

anything in the dynamic of y'all's

relationship it doesn't you're already

living together and raising the dog coco

like why do we which was also like

a rat looking dog that he initially

didn't like and then it was a chihuahua

poodle mix

or something something and i remember

that because i have a pekingese poodle

mix that we call a peekapoo and i

believe in the book they call it a

cheapo

i had a lot of poo growing up and then

um my loss of who was a female and she

boned a [ __ ] poo

and

their puppy breed we just called them

muds because it felt better than calling

them lots of shitty poos

which is where we ended up

they were

the cutest though i bet yes i bet yeah

my peekapoo

is a mess

well that's

here hannah why don't you tell everyone

tell us about your peekaboo let me let

me tell you about my peekapoo so he's a

pekingese poodle mix his name is gizmo

he is nine years old and he is paralyzed

so he does not have the use of his back

legs

and

i have to wear diapers he does he wears

diapers um and he doesn't always need

them

um

so here's the thing

the only reason i agreed to go on a date

with my husband was to meet the dog

because i had me i had seen him on

facebook and i was like i

i need to meet that because it's the

cutest thing i've ever seen

and my husband's well aware that like

gizmo is the ultimate wingman and now

gizmo serves as a therapy dog so i bring

him to work with me a couple of days a

week

and he hangs out with my patients and

gives them love and stuff they pass them

around during group and oh i bet they

all love having them super cute my

favorite

my favorite was the 60 year old man huge

dude like massive man

um had been homeless right before he

came in had lived a hard hard life done

a lot of years in prison

saw gizmo and got down on the ground

with him during group and just started

loving on him and he was like

contributing to group but every now and

then he just leaned down and he'd

whisper and he'd be like

good dog

i love you brother

that's like the purest thing ever it was

so precious so um that's about gizmo the

peekapoo

um

maybe someday i don't know you guys will

meet him somehow i don't know he talks a

lot he so he lost his bark in the

accident but

when he gets really hyped about

something he sort of makes these little

squeak sounds which are magnificent

they're really adorable they're very

very cute so um maybe someday you guys

will

have the pleasure of

conversations with gizmo but for now

that's the story of the peekapoo but

coco was a cheapo

coco this dumbass dog in this book is

like

honestly just kind of an annoying

afterthought throughout the whole thing

like here's the thing it's to like

humanize dante

well yeah cause it's so it's sarah's dog

and then like dante's like annoyed and

he's like what what the [ __ ] is this

little rat thing and then he's like oh i

hate this thing but in that way we're

like

you know how like secretly yeah like

dad's a big we're not getting a dog and

then they're like i'm gonna build him a

custom

yes

precisely like very much that energy so

like dante's like this dog sucks but

he's also like i'm obsessed with this

dog and would lay down my life for it

maybe not that extreme but pretty close

but pretty close and so yeah so 75 of

the way through the book we really hit

the finale where we find out that john

is a

serial killer who was also a grieving

father i really only needed him to be a

grieving father i really agree yeah he

really wasn't grieving he was honestly

sad that his son and wife died because

they were a cover

for his which is like no they weren't

you like what he was like i've like

never been arrested and like no one like

assumed it was like a family man with a

son and a wife

and i'm like

i have some other questions i just like

don't believe if you stab someone 20

times and failed at killing them that

you are as good of a serial killer as

you think you are right well that's why

i said like i sincerely doubt that she

was just

sort of

like needed a transfusion and was fine

after being stabbed 20 times by [ __ ]

serial killer who'd apparently killed

like 10 or 12 women before that

yes there were so many and then they

were like oh well you know now that we

know he's a serial killer that does make

sense because the deaths kind of dropped

off around the time of his son's death

and i'm like yeah cause then he went to

boston or new york or some [ __ ] and

started killing women there but whatever

so

so dante gets off the plane yeah and

is like i got your text message

and she's like oh i thought you wouldn't

get it till you land i'll still move out

to california for you and he's like no i

really like it here and my family's here

and

that's the end of the book basically

yeah so like the final 25 of the book

really feels like it could have been

resolved in like a chapter it's just

like a couple of sex scenes and them

talking about whether they should get

married in six months or in six weeks i

mean to be fair i think a lot of what we

do here is just describe the plot of a

book outside of the sex scenes to note

like hey if you remove the sex right

this is the plot we're looking at what

do you think about this plot do you feel

like it holds up without sex to be fair

to be fair to be fair i did describe a

lot of the sex and den of vipers but

that was the majority of the plot

well also in your review of den of

vipers

the description of sex was far more

necessary i do feel like this was like

go with me on this i feel like it was

still pretty like vanilla there was a

lot of sex and outside of the handcuff

scene up front

which i we let's just go back was her

second sexual experience ever in life

and he handcuffed her to a bed right i

do feel like a lot of like their normal

sexual experiences i'm like oh this is

just like normal sex normal sex he did

spank her a lot at one point

oh i forgot about the spanking yeah you

are correct yeah although like compared

to a knife in the ass like if that's the

barometer we're using

some spanking is like pretty chill

yeah i feel like

when ass play is involved that's just a

different conversation so just ask play

in general not not knife play but ass

play is the line for you no it's not a

line there's ass play and there's knife

play

and sometimes those form of marriage

um

interesting word choice

okay

sometimes those come together in this

book there was some spanking they did

come together

yes they did come for sure there was

some faking there was some handcuffs

uh-huh but outside of that i'd say the

sex as a whole

wasn't like that risque it was just like

sex

right and there was a little bit of like

it's so urgent we have to do it in this

semi-public place but it was there was

nothing that was like oh my god i'm also

gonna say this and i don't know if you

felt otherwise

there was a a lot of sex and a lot of

that like i wanna shove my [ __ ] and

you're throbbing hot [ __ ] right there

was a quote i don't fully remember what

it was that i sent hannah i just

remember the word juices and laughing

like i want to lap her juices oh that's

what it was i want to lap her juices

like they were nectar yeah or something

like that

and like here's the thing

that line shut down any arousal that may

have been happening like yeah and but

i'll also say for as much sex as was in

these was it was in this book at no

point was i was like this is a rousing

right like at no point was like this is

hot i was like

yeah so they're boning what happens next

and i don't feel like that's a mark of a

great sex scene right

but also i just want to put this out

there because i imagine that we are

going to review the other two

or all those are

the other six we're gonna review all of

them because they are horrifying but

just to be clear they are essentially

the same book like every single one

follows the same formula and i just

love it

i just love it so much that was like and

i will review these at some point as

well j.a lowe yes

um

yes you already know but there were the

first two books in that series i

legitimately think they were based on

the same word document

like i was like i don't i think she just

did a control f and yeah changed the

name and did a replace like even down to

like

a scene where

to be fair the first two books in her

series and we'll get there at some point

um

the the first two books were about twins

and one was the one brother and the one

was the second brother and there was a

scene where both of the brothers not at

the same time in each of their

respective books

went down on the the female and the

female like closes her legs and it's

like no i know men don't like to do that

and he's like no i want to do that for

you and i'm like really he wants to lap

it laughs at her

oh my god

but like but here was michael i was like

really both of these brothers had this

identical experience

like

i'm just saying

start a new word document at the very

least change the phrasing so it doesn't

feel like the same she was thinking she

would release those books far enough

apart that nobody would notice yeah she

was not prepared for you and i who are

just like you mean there's seven books

in this series i'm getting through every

single day

within a week okay all right so no

ordinary billionaire the first of j

scott's

sinclair series yeah so i

i'm thinking

like lobsters like how many how many

lobster rolls are we ready lobster rolls

i'm like out of five

so for enjoyability of like

like is this great literature absolutely

not but did i really enjoy it and did it

make me laugh a lot and would i

potentially rate it again yeah

so i feel like four i would go with four

lobster rolls like 3.5 lobster rolls

okay okay yeah and but i feel like those

are like in the you rounded it up i did

i round it up yeah but i wrote it up

because i feel the same way like

objectively was it great literature

absolutely not

no it's never getting a pulitzer

and

did it lead to a lot of really hilarious

conversations with people and like did i

laugh really hard when i was reading it

yes was i meant to laugh at the book i

don't think that was what she intended

based on her headshot no that's not what

she intended

no she thought this was like gonna be

like the sexiest of books well according

to

thousand two hundred people on goodreads

it was well they also fall between our

three point five and four point eight

roll 3.91

we rate this book 3.91 lobster rolls

we do we do and while we have enjoyed

this time together that we've had with

each other and i guess with you dear

listener i think we're done now yeah i

think

i think we'll circle back honestly i

might need a reprieve before i i review

the second book because because they're

essentially the same so yeah because you

already listened i'm just going to

change a few key details

i can just put those in the notes for

this episode and you can re-listen to

this episode and just imagine those

other details yeah but

to save you that we will review it at

some point because

it's that

bad and wonderful and magical so

we love you we don't know you but we

love you and we're excited you're here

and

have a good day have a good night i

don't know what time it is thank you a

good night good night and good luck