Smut Club

foreign

[Music]

you know what time it is

ladies and gents Guys and Dolls and

everyone in between

gather round

something real nice to sip on and comfy

to slip on

cause it's time

smart Club

here's your hosts Chelsea and Anna

because

the sex scene was like it didn't make

any sense

I do I feel like there are some sex

scenes that like

the logistics yes the logistics

I don't quite know how you got your head

at that angle or like your hand at that

angle I'm like for like what you say

that person is doing like like I was

reading one book and the girl the dude

was laying on a bed and the girl was

between his legs sure glowing him okay

okay very standard right yeah if you

couldn't track with that I'd have more

questions but then it was like I'm

waiting for the weird part and then he

reached his hand down and started like

playing with my [ __ ] how long are his

arms literally I was like is he Gumby

right because you could be to the side

like we could be at an angle and we can

make that work but like straight on I'm

not I'm struggling yeah that book also

frequently described his genitalia where

like every time she was describing it

was like his pretty pink penis no and I

was like I don't

believe it or not that's not

that's not erotic that's not arousing

that's not it's not no I'm not we're

gonna

anyway so welcome to smut club I'm

Hannah and I'm Chelsea

um we're glad you're here so

sorry we started with a tangent before

we even like we did we didn't get it to

anything what you know I stand by my

tangent because when you're reading a

book and they're like in his pretty pink

penis it's just a big no

do dudes want their dicks to be scribed

as pretty or pink I don't think so my

husband sitting at the end of the table

no no they don't yeah

whenever they're like his purple dick

and I'm like did the blood flow get cut

off do we need to call someone shouldn't

it just be flesh because or when it's

like it's in the angry redhead and I'm

like why is it mad why does it have

emotion is it sentient like

I said blue honestly here's the thing

maybe we just don't

use color to describe a penis I also I

don't it bother me as much

actually this one really doesn't matter

this one doesn't really bother me but I

do feel like nipples there will be like

her Dusty rose-colored nipples I'm like

what is that color I've had that thought

like what is a Dusty Rose nipple color I

don't I mean is it like a blush pink I

think I have a bridesmaids dress that

was Dusty Rose

was the color on the website

um so I'm like yeah I feel like

or like her like her her dark brown nips

I mean they didn't say nips that would

be worse that was just me but like

if we could just take the color out of

it like call them perky nipples call

them like hurt pert pert is a great word

in this situation or when they like

describe a dude's dick as like looking

like a metal rod I'm like okay I can

velvet wrapped steel velvet wrapped

steel yep velvet wrap steel but you know

when you're like that pretty pink velvet

wrap steel it really takes away from

from The Velvet wrap

it does it it it does also I feel like

if you ever said that to a partner

that it would kill the mood and we're

done now yeah it's like um How to Lose a

Guy in 10 Days yes when she names his

his dick what like Princess Sofia Sofia

or something and she was like does

Princess Sofia want to come out to play

and he's like absolutely not

yeah he like tries to like give like

other name recommendations that are more

masculine and I'm like

but why do we need to name it we could

go when people are like call it like

Junior no and they're like my name's

Johnny want to meet Johnny Jr I'm like I

assume you have a son and if you're

talking about your dick like also Junior

implies smaller it does so all that said

what book are we reviewing today

this is gonna be a good one all right um

it's that time I got drunk and you did a

love potion at a werewolf by Kimberly

leming

you did is when you throw a drink in

someone's face yes right I feel like I'm

starting to hit the age where like

some of the common slang just doesn't

automatically click the way it used to

yeah like No Cap right I'm not sure yeah

I feel like I am unironically utilizing

Urban Dictionary some days now and I

hate it yeah

um

also my favorite word on Urban

Dictionary to this day is

dickmatized mine too yeah it's like

being [ __ ] whipped but reversed I was

digmatized

um did I tell you about the time that I

was on the phone with my dad and he was

like Chelsea that took a hard left and I

wasn't ready no one was I wasn't ready

during that phone call am I well because

I oh I think I'd use the word chode and

my dad was like what's a chode and I was

like

so there's this website called Urban

Dictionary and you could really just

look it up because I was like I don't

want to go into this with my father

um and so I was on the phone with my dad

one day and he's like Chelsea I was on

Urban Dictionary

take my advice

don't look up glazed anything

I was like believe it or not that wasn't

advice I needed I just innately knew

that in my soul

I have so many questions that I am gonna

choose not to answer

or ask

because I don't want the answers and I

don't even know if I'd have them but I

just like vividly remember my dad being

like let me help you out here don't look

up glazed anything hot Urban hot tip I

was like in fact don't look that up on

her either

well I feel like oh do you remember when

the Urban Dictionary first came out and

like you like look up your name yes

I don't remember what my no I feel like

it was always underwhelming yeah like it

was I was like oh

okay we did it and then I'd move on

um so anyways the time I got drunk and

yeeded a love potion at a werewolf yes

so this is the second one

um the first one we reviewed previously

was that time I got drunk and saved a

demon

um so we will remember uh cinnamon and

Fallon the dragon they battled a goddess

did a whole bunch of stuff

um yeah it is coming back to me yeah so

there is

you're like let us remember cinnamon and

I was like the spice got it and then and

then you're like the dragon they and I

was like oh okay yeah In fairness I was

super drunk when I outlined that one and

called her Cinnabon the whole time and

him Jimmy so it was a train wreck from

start to finish okay I'm not crazy when

you were like cinnamon I was like I

thought it was Cinnabon

only for me I could [ __ ] up

yeah maybe I will later something to

look forward to it really is okay so so

this one is Cinnamon's best friend Bree

who owns the cheese stand that we met in

the first one

this is her

um I see what they did there Bree with

the cheese stand yep and cinnamon the

spice farmer it's all very

uh kitschy and adorable yes yes

um so I it's better than being named

gruyere it would be better than that

yeah I

I would I think I would go by Gru

probably

I don't know it's a it's a mess I would

maybe hope I had a better middle name

I don't know if I'm trying to turn

gruyere into a nickname I was just

trying to come up with something that's

fair so I started my notes with a quote

um this is the first line of the book

potatoes are by far the most versatile

crop you could fry them bake them or

throw them at undesirable men who refuse

to leave you alone

and it felt a little bit like

um

um [ __ ] Forrest Gump when he went

with shrimp like that's how it started

but with potatoes

so I've always known this about myself

but it's definitely been confirmed in

pregnancy

I love potatoes does not matter the form

they're just a great medium they are and

they they yeah yeah like actually baked

mashed like roasted fried

scalloped

okay so we're gonna stop before Chelsea

Chelsea has to stop to get us back

um so brie is throwing potatoes at a

farmer who won't stop hating on her

they're like at a bar or something and

he will not stop and so she is throwing

baked potatoes at him

um so she's with cinnamon

um and uh cinnamon has her back Fallon

is there

um as well as a bunch of other demons

that we met in the first book that

really appeared him like no importance

to the story really

um they're just a little fun addition

so

um the guy says that he's gonna go get

her a drink so she's like get the [ __ ]

away from me I have no interest in you

go away and he's like well I'm just

gonna go get you a drink to loosen you

up a little bit oh yes yeah super gross

so um they're hanging out with an orc

and Fallon

farmer comes back and he tries to force

this drink on her right

um so he's like take it take it and like

pushing it in her face and so finally

she takes it

um loses her absolute [ __ ] and Chucks it

at him but he ducks like just in the

nick of time

um and it hits this super gorgeous

blonde guy right in the back of the head

um so she's like oh my gosh I am so so

sorry like let me help you clean up I I

I'm so sorry so she turns around to like

grab a towel or something and he grabs

her and just starts kissing the [ __ ] out

of her

and she's like

um

what

is happening right now so she like grabs

his face and pushes it away from she's

like I know you're good looking but who

are you and what is happening yeah yeah

um so he tells her that he imprinted on

her and she is his mate

um oh

man and I it'd be cool if dating were

that easy right take the guesswork right

out of it you know

although I have been reading a lot of

Suzanne Wright books recently

um

and I feel like there's the whole like

oh like

I felt the true mate Bond and they

haven't yet and then they're like oh

well like you can still like

bind with someone who's not your true

mate

too complicated yeah well and then when

people are like I feel the true mate

Bond you're my true mate and they're

like really because I don't feel that I

feel honestly it kind of feels like

Christian dating when like people in the

church are like Jesus told me you were

gonna be my wife God laid upon my heart

that you and I were meant to be together

I once had someone told me that Jesus

had called him into a season of

singleness but when it was over we would

be together and then wouldn't need a

date that long because season would be

married oh yeah the quintessential

Christian fuckboy season of singleness

um

great

great times because you know what you

can't fight it like if someone tells you

Jesus told me to break up with you

you're like

so are you gonna go against your Lord

and Savior Jesus Christ or you're like

can I introduce you to my Lord and

Savior Cthulhu like how flexible are we

with this situation like

so are you more spiritual or is there a

specific religion that like oh no it

really you're like you can't that you

can't argue that's the that's the

Christian dating trump card it is you're

right about that is them blaming

whatever they want to do be that date

you not date you what have you on Jesus

on Jesus you do not have a leg to stand

on none yeah you just it oh okay that's

not the point that's not the point I

could talk about that for a long time so

um we are sort of in a a complicated

true mate situation okay um the farmer

guy who gave her the drink is trying to

get in between them

um and then like the the guy is pushing

him away and as he's pushing the farmer

a bottle falls out of the farmer's

pocket that says love potion on it

I love how kitschy this is yes and so

Felix is the name of this guy

um not the farmer not the farmer the

love potioned guy look

I'll say it once and then I'll be done

with it okay the werewolf yes although I

guess she doesn't know that he's a

werewolf yet okay so he she just knows

he's some kind of demon but she doesn't

know what kind

are werewolves demons in this universe

they are okay yes

um so he is still all over her and it

doesn't seem to register to him that he

is under some kind of spell

um and so they realize though that this

farmer was trying to drug free and so

they

he gets a couple of his demon buddies

um and take him away to deal with him

whatever that means I mean to be fair I

do think that anytime any person is

trying to forcefully have you consume a

beverage you can

you can relatively

assume like with like decent confidence

that like don't drink that yeah that

drink should not don't be consumed yeah

like why are we so concerned about it

don't drink that

um

so she has had more than enough of this

day she's so [ __ ] over it so she

decides to walk home after she takes

several shots

um so she doesn't even know like what

kind of demon Felix is she doesn't know

where he's from cinnamon is good friends

with him they were like besties in the

first book

when they were on their Adventure

um but Bree doesn't know him like at all

um so as she's walking she hears someone

calling

out from the woods

um and so she responds but whoever it is

just keeps saying hello over and over

again and she's like nope absolutely not

well that sounds

um and she's like pretty sure that's a

[ __ ] demon and so she takes off

and um she tries to fight it off but the

thing like just continues to come at her

um until something else shows up and

rips it off of her

um so brie is flipping the [ __ ] out she

this is not a good time she is drunk she

is just trying to get home

um and so

the other demon calls her name

um and she crashes into it when she's

trying to like run away and she

hyperventilates and passes out

so

um oh I forgot to mention so this goes

back and forth between her point of view

and Felix's but it's primarily her point

of view

um so this is all from her right now so

she wakes up in her bed thinking she had

some kind of crazy Nightmare and

shouldn't drink that much

um but she hears someone banging around

in her kitchen

um and she thinks that it's a teenager

stealing cheese and I'm like what kind

of neighborhood are we in that that's

your first assumption that it's a a

teenager stealing cheese so one night

early on in my marriage oh no what

Hannah you've got to stop saying oh no

whenever I start to tell a story no I

just I I I'm concerned about I get

concerned safely oh no until I until I

drop a plot twist that is you're like oh

no that's not good you don't know if

it's good yet it's probably not though

it's funny okay well I thought it was

funny now I'm second guessing myself and

I haven't even got there yet no tell me

so

my husband was out of like like a

concert or doing something relatively

late at night so I was home alone and

our bedroom was the second floor of the

house and so I wake up to a noise in our

house and I'm so out of it like it

doesn't even dawn on me like I knew I

knew Vance wasn't there but it didn't

dawn on me that like it could be him and

like I'm so out of it I wake up and I

hear someone in my house and I'm just

like oh no we're getting robbed and then

I was like maybe if I lay really still

they'll only Rob downstairs and then

when I wake up tomorrow I can just

replace it it's fine and then I rolled

back over and then like my husband came

upstairs like five minutes later and I

was like oh

I'm like I'm in no way shape or form

prepared for [ __ ] to go sideways if my

second degree black belt husband is not

here I'm just gonna play dead in my bed

and hope for the best Chelsea is not the

one to protect the homestead she's not

the one no and my pets are the least

assuming pets ever they're way too

friendly like

yeah if my husband is not there I'm

literally like well I'm just gonna oh

actually it's happened since we've lived

in this house too but this happened on

like a Sunday morning at like 10 A.M

and then I realized that it was the

Roomba making noises but I definitely

thought someone was in my house and once

again I was like

just don't

and everything will be fine so there was

a time

when also who invades a home at 10 A.M

but that's a different question

so Matt my husband and I we love horror

movies and like all things horror so we

were up late one night watching these

horror movies and we hear this like

like over and over again coming from our

kitchen and we both like froze and I was

like

go check so he gets up and he goes and

he's like babe there's nothing there I I

don't I don't know what was making that

sound it wouldn't make that sound again

or my dog will probably lose his [ __ ]

good to know I won't do it so we hear it

like he comes back and lays down and we

hear it again and I was like babe what

the [ __ ] is that like holy [ __ ] so he

goes out and checks again and nothing so

it happens a third time and then he

decides he's gonna open all of the

kitchen cabinets to figure out like what

the hell is going on one of our cats had

somehow gotten into the cabinet it was

trapped

buddy and so she was like pushing her

paw out to try to get out and it was

making this like rattling sound

so I was fully prepared to like Sage my

entire house and call a priest or

something but it was just the cat

I oh well I'm glad that y'all heard it

and that the cat wasn't my cat like

never like makes sounds so he'll get

locked in rooms and then it's literally

I'm like like 12 hours later I'm like I

haven't seen Craig in a while and then

we have to go on a search for him and

then yeah and then inevitably you open a

door and he's just sitting there looking

at you hey guys although yesterday I did

hear like some like

wrestling in the leaves outside kind of

energy and I was like oh this is

unsettling but it's it's light out I

like don't need to freak out my

husband's not home but like when I

looked out the window there were two

baby deer what are what are baby deer

called

fun fun yes

Joe is the female Joe a deer a female

deer fawns are the baby ones

um but they're we have like a deer

family who lives in our yard now and

it's like my favorite thing it's not my

dog's favorite thing I would imagine not

um but I like made eye contact with with

Mama dear

Mama dough whatever we're gonna call her

and and then like the babies were just

like playing and frolicking in the Ivy

and it was the cutest thing ever and I

was like maybe I don't need to be scared

then I also thought of a tick tock that

I saw where they talked about

the the downfalls of Caucasian curiosity

where they're like there are a lot of

they're like white people are the only

ones dumb enough to be like I heard it

sounded in that alley I should go check

it out everyone else is like you don't

go [ __ ] check out that alley you keep

your head down and you walk on by keep

[ __ ] walking yes okay so she thinks

there's teenagers stealing cheese that's

her first assumption okay so she grabs a

knitting needle as her only form of

protection respect um to confront this

person but it's a big giant fluffy

blonde demon creature

so she flips out again she takes off out

the house

um it turns out

it's Felix what I know

um and he's like he catches her and he's

like please don't run from me please

don't do that right now uh it's getting

me a little too excited like please can

you just be still like

it's a little too much and so yeah so

then she realizes it's Felix

um and he's like I was just making you

breakfast and I did all your chores

around all of your farm and is there

anything else you need I love you you're

really pretty he's like super excited

like basically like a golden retriever

puppy he is golden retriever energy he

really is we refute this book before no

I feel like I've heard this and I

haven't read it

and it's kind of we we have had golden

retriever energy we have had golden

retriever energy we have had people

waking up to people in their houses we

have we have had true mate we've had all

the tropes yeah we've had all the tropes

they're just except for one of the

tropes that I'm gonna get to eventually

we I don't think we've had that one yet

so I'm really sorry in advance for

what's gonna happen later but we'll get

there

um so she's like can you just

sit down and be still

um so she goes and makes some grilled

cheese and

um he shifted back to his human form

um and is naked except for her apron

that he had put on to make breakfast

um did he grab the apron or was he

wearing it and he was wearing it in his

demon form and then shifted back in

yeah so

um she gets very flustered because he's

super hot

um and so then once he's dressed they

sit down and he gets super weird about

eating this grilled cheese she's like

don't eat it if you don't want to eat it

Jesus like I just made something for you

like calm down

um

but he finally eats like half of it

um and she's like we need to talk we

need to have ground rules it's going to

take a couple of weeks for this love

potion to wear off

um and so we need to know where all the

lines are because you're not in your

right mind and I'm not gonna be engaging

with you when you're like this

um we love someone who realizes it's not

true consent yes

um to which Felix responds how many kids

do you want

which I loved he's like yeah yeah got it

so let's talk kids how many kids do you

want he's like because I want ten and

your house is cozy but we're gonna need

more room so I could put an addition and

he like starts going on and on about how

he's going to renovate her house

um for their 10 kids and she's like what

the [ __ ] is happening right now please

stop

um

so then he starts to put the moves on

her and she keeps stopping him she's

like you are drugged like I'm not you

have to stop

um and so then uh he's like well I saw

all of your shifter romance novels

because brie is into romance novels

um and he's like I know what you're into

and we can make that happen and she's

like you have to stop like you have to

stop it's like but I love you exactly

he's like okay well what about after two

weeks like then what and she's like well

then you're gonna be out of this

situation and he's like no you don't

understand

you're my true mate so it's not going to

change in two weeks like this is still

gonna happen

um and he's like well okay so like if if

I still feel like this in two weeks then

what happened then what happens she's

like I'm probably gonna beg you to bend

me over the nearest surface and he's

like I'm gonna go and I'm like Bree babe

we were doing so good with the

boundaries

we were doing so good and I was like we

took a a hard left we really did he had

like pinned her to the bookcase I guess

and so she was like feeling very Randy

um and she meanwhile please bear in mind

is wearing a bonnet and a nightgown that

has like Lambs on it weren't it's not

like a sexy situation wait he is about

it

um yeah

so

um

yeah yeah and then he says some stuff

about shoving his his tongue in her [ __ ]

and he's like I'm gonna have to go

because you're not into it and I'm I

want to be into it so I'm gonna go like

I need to step away

um he's like okay so I love you so I am

going to try and respect this boundary

that you think needs to take place for

the next two weeks so I'm gonna go

because I can't

keep it in my apron exactly or I'm

wearing my mouth apparently because he

wants to do a lot with his tongue and

he's very detailed about it

I mean

no I'm not gonna go there never mind

thank you yeah

so then all of a sudden his stomach

starts to make this weird sound

um and he's like

thank you for not kicking me out right

away thank you for spending time with me

I love you and I'll see you later bye

and like runs out and she's like oh my

God

he's lactose intolerant like that's why

he didn't want to eat her grilled cheese

so it like Dawns on her all of a sudden

she's like oh my God he's a lactose

intolerant werewolf

um

so uh he is struggling not to just like

run back to her

um so he's trying to separate himself

and honor these boundaries and we're

back we're to his point of view

um so then uh he shakes the president's

hand thinking of Brie that's what my

notes say so he masturbated

but for some reason that's the euphemism

I went with so yeah but that just made

me think of Biden and that's a weird

thing to think about when you're talking

about masturbation and like

uh yeah

um uh so he gets off because he's like

super he can't stop thinking about her

and wanting to be all over her

um and so then he suddenly has a thought

that he could turn her into a werewolf

and then she would imprint on him and

then he is like

no we aren't doing that against her will

what the [ __ ] is wrong with you and has

to like Shake himself out of it good

Insight good Insight so he talks to his

friend Usha who was also in the first

book she is the um captain of the the

ship with all the demons on it

um she wasn't a huge part of it she had

a pet hyena which is like the most

memorable thing about her from the first

book

and I didn't even remember that it yeah

so

um

he he goes to talk with her and she like

they they chat a little bit

um Felix tries to explain the difference

he's like I know the difference between

a spell and the imprint like I can feel

a spell but that's separate from the way

that I feel about her

um and he said one is like being drunk

and hazy and the other is bone deep so I

know I can tell but Bree can't

understand that because she's not a

demon and she does an imprint

um so more demon friends show up with a

book about pleasing human women

and it's very funny like they want Usha

to confirm they're like they said

there's a spot that you're supposed to

touch a lot is that correct they said

there's this they said there's that and

Usha is like can confirm yes that the

book is correct and they're like we need

to find that Merchant that sold us this

book and give him a tip this is [ __ ]

awesome and so like they're all so

excited about about women in general

and so

um Felix asks his Dragon friend Dante

who is the other dragon in the first

book to give him a rune to prevent

pregnancy

um he loves the Forward Thinking on

contraception yes he's like she was

weird about the whole 10 kids thing so I

should get a room to prevent pregnancy

until she's ready

um and so then assuming that someday she

lets me [ __ ] her like I I just think

Felix is like the most endearing he is

so cute saying oh my gosh he's really

precious

um so then a bunch of human men show up

so they're at the on the ship

um and a bunch of human men show up

accusing the Demons of kidnapping women

from the village

um apparently three women have gone

missing

um and so they allow them to search the

ship they don't have these women

and Felix is flipping the [ __ ] out that

something happened to Brie he's like oh

my God is she one of the three right

she's like I tried to protect her and

now I left her her vulnerable and ah so

he runs back

um so Bree goes to see cinnamon and

Fallon

um and they're going through Magic books

trying to look for reversal spells to

get this love spell off of Felix

um and then Fallon tells her that Felix

could go mad and kill her like love

potions affect demons differently so he

could go insane

or he could die of a heart attack from

the strain of staying away from her

um So He suggests that she just [ __ ] him

and that would probably help

um and she says that is dubious consent

at best let's try something else Mike if

that's our final option fine but like

let's do something else first

so

um she walks home and notices that the

name plate on her house has been changed

um and Felix shows up behind her and he

looks terrible he like he's looking

really rough and he tells her not to be

mad

um

but before he says anything else he just

like crushes her in a hug and it's like

oh my God I was so worried about you and

she's like Hawaii what is happening and

where is my name plate and what's

happening right now

um and he tells her that um he was

really worried something happened that

three unmarried women in their 20s all

went missing so he went to the

courthouse with his orc buddies and

threatened the clerk to register them as

a married couple

what that is yeah how that was like the

solution to this is for us to get

married and she's like don't I have to

be there for that and he's like not if I

don't think so not if you bring enough

Orcs with you no

so they're married

anything is possible with enough work

with enough Orcs And it can do attitude

yeah my um my mother was once interested

in buying a property that was right next

to my sisters

um and I was like Mom it's not for sale

and she goes everything is for sale

Chelsea and you know what son of a [ __ ]

my parents owned that house within six

months they no longer own that house it

really wasn't a great investment because

well that's a whole other story for

another time but it feels similar to the

orc energy right like with enough Forks

can-do attitude and tenacity General

persistence

you can make any of it happen you can

yeah

um so Bree is like

I'm gonna need a drink right now fair

and walks off and she just said that

she's married yeah

um he's like I also changed your name

congratulations and so she's like

walking away and Felix is like wait wait

can I carry you over the threshold

though oh my gosh

uh I also get where like this feels

endearing but like if you were

experiencing it it would be so

exasperating

oh and like and terrifying yes and weird

the most unsettling ever yeah yeah very

much so so we're back to Felix's point

of view

um he is pissed that his mate is letting

a deranged man into her home but also

really glad that it's him

you should not let strange men into your

home even if they are your husband right

but thank you also for letting me in I

appreciate you

um so he's like sniffing everything and

generally being super insane like in her

home

um and he's trying to be cool but he is

not do werewolves have manic episodes

apparently this one does so he is

missing the mark on trying to be chill

Felix has zero chill

um so Bree comes in and tells him that

they need to remove the curse

um so she has several things to try and

if that doesn't work then they're gonna

have to have sex

and he's like option b let's do it

um and he's like I'm so in love with you

and she's like you are High

um so

yeah she has abandonment issues her dad

left their family when she was a kid

um and then he's like

well maybe he didn't leave you though

like like maybe when he was on the road

because he had like left to go to

another Village

um maybe he was eaten by an alligator or

something and then his next thought is

stupid why would you say that that's

terrible and then she's like that

actually makes me feel better he's like

okay never mind that worked

like he's so like he just wants her to

be happy and well all the time and is

questioning everything he does and it's

adorable but also like you said if you

were experiencing it would be like I

need you to give me five to ten feet

like

it's too much

um he'd probably be like of this dick

and you're like of my velvet covered

steel my pretty pink steel she's like no

no no none of it just like he backing up

outside the threshold of the house there

we go back up back up

um so she's like quit distracting me

let's go through some spell removal

options so she tries several different

things

um so she tries the first one and he's

like how do you feel and she says oh I

think we should spend the day in a row

boat surrounded by lilies and cuddling

and she's like okay so that's spelled in

[ __ ] work let's try another one so

she tries a tree a chant

it's an absolutely terrible she's a

terrible singer

um but Felix is like I love your voice

honey it's beautiful

um and she's like are you out of love

yet and he says absolutely not we should

add rocking chairs to the front porch so

we should we can watch the sunset

together every night how do you feel

about the name Rowan that's for our

firstborn son

like he cannot stop

um so she tries another dance with her

chant with a dance

um which somehow gives him tentacles

so it's described as these like Shadow

things that come out of him like he

doesn't shapeshift into something with

tentacles it's like I'm imagining them

coming out of his back or something

um so these tentacles move to strip and

restrain her kind of without his doing

anything

um

foreign

and he tries to get away from her

because it it's the lust is so powerful

like he physically can't stop and he's

like freaking out so he's trying to talk

himself out of her

um went out of her he's trying to talk

himself into getting away from her uh

when she tells him they better just go

with plan B and he's like thanks [ __ ]

so

yeah he's not sure she really wants to

do this and so he's like really

concerned that she's not actually into

it

um and then she says she's read romance

about Kraken shifters

um with tentacles and she's into it so

when you text me about tentacle sex yeah

this is it

yeah yeah it's it's happening

um

so he gets better control of the

tentacles

that feels like an important note yeah

they're no longer moving without his

intention

um and so then uh my notes say uh

the tentacles are starting to tease her

before he goes down on her

and then direct quote again for my notes

DP action with tentacles and she sits on

his face till she comes

and that's and then he's stroking

himself with his tentacles

um oh well at least I can give his

tentacles can pleasure both of them yes

how many tentacles it didn't say

a minimum of three apparently

I like that I asked that like that was

really that's the most important

question here so just going back

Logistics

a logistical question how many tentacles

is too many tentacles

uh

any of them would be too many I feel for

me but that's a personal personal

feeling

um so they both come and then the

tentacles start to fade and then they

bang again and he has a knot

and that's enough said about that

experience

yeah so for those who don't know and not

on the Dick means that like it swells

and grows and then you're like stuck

together

that's a whole thing

I mean yes it is I'm not just reading

that in any way shape or form

he he is like a

a one man

paranormal

Trope treasured he's a treasure Troop

treasure troll

so many so many things that he like he's

a demon he's a werewolf he has a knot he

has tentacles like yeah yeah I mean the

tentacles have faded now so it's just

the one oh silly me right

um those aren't those aren't here to

stay now those were circumstantial he's

a true mate he has he's under the Love

Potion spell he has oh yes we have a lot

of tropes happening like I feel like

normally when you hear about knots

you're like oh we're like we're in the

Omega verse like we're not like

I don't think I've ever read a book

about a werewolf that had a knot well I

have now so there's that yeah I mean

it's good to know that if I'm ever

playing trivia and this very specific

question comes up I will have an answer

what is that time I got drunk and you

did a love potion at a werewolf by

Kimberly lemming Alex no

rip oh

sad

um anyway back to Bree she's losing her

[ __ ]

um

and um so he yeah so they fall asleep

whatever

she is losing her [ __ ] and really can't

sleep so she goes to Cinnamon's house

um which is like right next door to hers

so cinnamon basically talks her off a

ledge about this whole thing

um and she agrees to just see where

things go with Felix she's like listen

Felix is a really amazing guy

he really cares about you maybe just

give it a chance and see what happens

let's see where it goes

and so she was like you know what you're

right and

um

cinnamon she goes to walk home and

Cinnamon's like do you want me to wake

up Fallon so that we can walk with you

and she's like no no it's like right

there it's fine

um so she starts walking back not fine

not fine is it you know that was just a

guess I didn't actually read this one I

just felt it in my in my heart that's

where we were pivoting what gave it away

huh what so she's walking back and a

female voice starts calling for help and

um she's like nope absolutely not good

the Caucasian curiosity she knew better

she doesn't have it because she's not

Caucasian

she's not no wait did we cover that we

didn't okay I was like I was like oh I'm

a shitty person oh my God no I didn't

mention that no she um is definitely

black they talk a lot about her hair and

stuff okay yeah

um yeah well then she definitely doesn't

have the Caucasian curiosity she does

not she knows better than to go

traipsing into the woods following a

strange voice she does so she keeps

going but then a creature that smells

like death attacks her

um and she fights like hell she's

screaming for Felix

um she actually lights the creature on

fire by breaking her Lantern over it

um but it still keeps coming at her just

screaming which is horrifying

um so then Felix eventually shows up in

wolf form and he tells her not to look

but of course she does

um and she is absolutely horrified

watching Felix rip this thing apart

so now she's even more scared that Felix

is going to go insane and kill her

because she just watched him like go

heal demons protecting her he was but

she's freaked out now

um so he talks to her until she calms

down he explains this creature was a

ghoul which

um is controlled by a human

um and there's like a gem that was in it

that's the power source

um and so they agree to go to Fallon

um so he can try to track the magic

so

Felix is not happy about being woken up

again because Marie woke him up when she

went there the first time and so he says

to Felix Al shove Gorgonzola down your

throat until you [ __ ] out your soul

which made me laugh a little bit

um it was just a creative sort of like

wait what you said Felix isn't happy

that no Fallon isn't happy oh yes okay

so uh Felix then let's slip that he and

Brie are married and cinnamon is pissed

that she didn't know and also if my name

were gorgonzola

I'd go by Zola

Gonzo

well better than Gorgon

right none of it's good Zola is better

yeah it was like sort of cute yeah I

feel like you might be able to pull off

Zola but like yeah gorg no

gone gonzola no you're right

[Laughter]

um Gonzo or Zola yeah Gonzo's not great

but Zola is better it is if you like The

Muppets

it is if you like the puppets it's your

nickname it's fine

so

um cinnamon is super pissed that she

didn't know that Brie was married

um and Breeze like rightly so and Bree

says that she forgot and then my notes

say In fairness I also forgot

well also

yeah In fairness I feel like she got

home the night before found out she was

married

tried a bunch of spells and chants [ __ ]

them they went there were tentacles and

a knot there was a lot happening yeah

and then they went to sleep and then she

well he went to sleep she went over

to cinnabon's house

and then got attacked yeah you know what

I'm team Brie on this one she's a lot

like she's had a lot happening she is

allowed she had tentacle sex I might

forget I'd forget a lot if I just if

someone just casually told me I was

married it's not like I attended my

wedding right she's like Hey we're not

file any paperwork myself so right it's

like I wasn't a part of this process so

it's not like on my radar or in my core

memories nope

um so then they send out messages to the

locals not to go out at night

um goals don't come out during the day

Fallon starts working on the crystal

thingy to track the magic and he

explains that the women who have been

going missing were likely taken by

humans controlling these ghouls um and

um he explains that humans can be used

almost as like um human women especially

um as like

magical batteries like humans have a lot

of magical reserves they just can't

access them but a mage or a witch can

with the correct spell so he thinks that

these women are being taken by a human

trying to ramp up for a big spell so

um

Felix and Bree walk home and he says

he'll sleep in the barn so that brie is

more comfortable because he can tell

she's really scared of him

um but she asked him to stay on the

couch instead

um and he's like you should just

probably stay on the couch with me since

we both know as soon as you hear a sound

outside you're gonna come downstairs

anyway

um and she's like [ __ ] you very much I'm

going to bed and goes upstairs

um so we're now we're at Felix he's

having a nightmare of being under the

previous books demon curse where he's

like trapped in nothingness and Bree

comes and wakes him up and she says that

she he was right she heard a sound and

freaked out can she please stay with him

um so they cuddle on the couch and she

says she's gonna be really pissed if

she's not actually his mate

um and he's like I'll just drink more

love potion because I don't want this to

end either

well also you're married now like right

if it wore off you're like

so my bad but

so listen I don't know if we can do an

annulment what are the rules for an

annulment like I don't know if you

accidentally gave me tentacles does that

make us no longer eligible for right an

annulment does that would that be

grounds for common law if we hadn't

already filed the paperwork legally like

there's a lot of questions

um

so

um she's like no absolutely not

um and he gets like more and more

desperate and he's like just lie to me

just lie if you have to and just tell me

that you'll stay when this is over and

she's like okay I'll stay he's like

thank you

um so then she asks if he wants to spend

the day with her in a row boat like he

had said pretty grounded by lily pads so

she can show him the Bayou

um but then it starts raining and Felix

gets so desperate to go on this date

with her that he goes and wakes up Dante

who is a storm Dragon to get him to get

rid of the rain so that they can go on

their date

um

like that's how insane he is he needs to

bring it in he really does I got

Felix I like you but write it in buddy

yeah they trade for pies is what my

notes say so Dante was like bet if you

go get me pies from that one shop she

won't let me in there anymore

[Laughter]

and Felix is like sounds like a plan

Stan

um so we're back to Brie and they have a

super cute picnic with lots of flirting

before they find a meadow to have a a

cute little moment in and Bree tells

Felix that she might be in love with him

which feels like that escalated really

fast

um and he gets so excited that she he

shifts like he gets so overwhelmed and

excited that she's in love with him that

he shifts and he can't stop his tail

from wagging like he keeps grabbing his

tail to stop it I mean I thought you

were going to say he got so excited he

[ __ ] in his pants

but I feel like this is on it's like the

same energy it's the same energy and

open the window and I feel the breeze

and I just in my pants like that

yeah but he shifts because he's so

excited

um which is really adorable but I saw a

meme oh no [ __ ] hell yeah

I didn't even I did it okay I did it on

purpose that time and then I felt bad

about it after I did it do you not like

my stories do you not want me to tell my

stories your stories that's not it when

you say oh no it makes me think you

don't want to hear my story I think it's

because generally I like to know what to

expect

which is why I'm always trying to guess

when you share a book and so I want to

know what's happening but I can't know

when you go on a tangent and so honestly

sometimes I don't know when I go on a

tangent so that is a fair yeah my

tangents can be Journeys but I like to

think they're usually enjoyable they are

pretty funny although In fairness also

to myself the one about your dad was

definitely a No-No

but also funny but also funny they can

be both and surprisingly upbeat

um no I saw a post earlier this week I

haven't fact checked it so I don't know

if it's true but I thought it was really

endearing where it was talking about

when wolves and dogs are in movies and

they're acting and they get so excited

that they're doing a good job acting

that their tails won't stop wagging so

that a lot of their tails are actually

cgi'd in afterwards because they're too

excited and their tails won't stop

wagging I hope that's true right I was

like I really it was so endearing I was

like I want this to be true yeah I'm

just gonna choose to believe that like

I'm not gonna fact check it I'm just

gonna choose to believe that that's true

see that wasn't and oh no it wasn't it

was super cute it was I could be super

cute you can and you are thank you hey

there's my puppies

we'll get you right back to the show in

just a moment but first

do you like us maybe even love us cause

we sure love you

if you do love us don't tease us tell us

in those ratings and reviews wherever

you're listening right now

maybe even send us over to a special

sexy someone that would enjoy getting

smutty with us

because you know the first rule of smug

Club is to talk about smut Club

all right

I won't keep you any longer let's get

back to the show

[Music]

okay so once he gets himself under

control they have a solidifying [ __ ]

um

and then he does jizz but not in his

pants nope in Brie

um but Bree tells him that he better not

shift while they Bang

she's like we can do this but I swear to

Christ if you shift while you're inside

me I will [ __ ] end you even I don't

know well also once again there's some

logistical questions yes that I don't

want answers to thank you no I don't

even want to explore it on a tangent

yeah I don't want to think about it

like that could

mid mid bone

they're just an animal

oh I don't okay

so they have their solidifying so they

do but his eyes flash red near the end

and he bites her neck but he doesn't

break the skin

um and so he is extremely upset by this

and keeps apologizing

um and she's like uh rough sex is fine

babe I was into it and he's like no you

don't understand I almost turned you

like oh

so I don't really know how it happens

but they start to bang again

um and she tells him once the Love

Potion wears off and they confirm that

she's his mate she might be okay with

him turning her

so okay

um he gets very excited again

um and they start to go to town but then

Bree hears a voice

um someone is narrating them like a

nature show like like Steve Irwin

I thought you were gonna go with Snoop

Dogg like Pleasant

which is no because they say crikey

so I'm a Steve irwin-esque I follow

Steve Irwin's son on Tick Tock I don't

remember his name Robert

sure I don't have a lot I just remember

Bindi but I don't remember yes the

brother oh he just like his father like

and it's just like the most endearing

and he's like so cute and pure and just

like so informative and like the way he

talks to all of he's like look at this

little buddy

I'm like oh you're just so

endearing and I'm so here for it yeah I

was like and I don't want to touch and

like like he was like going through like

the zoo property one night and like saw

like a snake in the road no and does

like he like goes and like gets the

snake and brings it in and he's like oh

he's scared like trying to show how like

tough he is and I'm like not words I

ever want said when I'm holding a snake

that's trying to show me how tough it is

I will believe how tough it is it

doesn't need to show me I will believe

you know what I mean

uh yeah on that I'm like we I already

know in my heart

one time

my husband and I were visiting my

parents and

um we were doing a workout and like we

had my parents garage door up and so we

were like half working out in the garage

half working out outside and my dad was

working out with us

and it was Fourth of July

and my dad wires the firework show for

their entire neighborhood so there's

like an entire trailer like 10 foot

trailer filled with all of these

fireworks and one of us was down like on

a yoga mat like where like the

what's the part of the trailer that like

the ball head the hitch

[Laughter]

ball head yeah no well there is a ball

joint there right there is yes okay I'm

not I was like I'm not entirely making

this I don't know what it's called I

don't know that it's called a ball head

I'll give it to you because I don't know

that's fair so suddenly this like

three and a half four foot snake comes

out of like the trailer like had been

like coiled up in there comes out my

husband and I are both like well looks

like this workout is done my dad just

picks it up with his hands throws it and

gets back to his push-ups

and my husband was like I I didn't

realize your dad's dick was that

like that is some big dick energy coming

off your father right now it is that's

bold oh yeah and then the snake tried to

come back and my dad did it again nope I

was like no that's my sign that like I

don't need to do more push-ups today

yeah

yeah so that's the snake's trailer now

right yeah I was like he lives here

I I will make it cozy for him sure I

don't know what goes into that I don't

know what they need to be cozy we'll

figure it out yeah that's what Google's

for exactly yes okay sorry go for it so

yeah it's it's pretty funny

um they hear a voice that's like and on

your left Barbara you will notice a

gorgeous hunk of man really giving it to

her like it's just like describing

what's happening

um and so uh it turns out Felix was game

to keep going and she was like get the

[ __ ] off me right now like no we have an

audience yeah I don't know what's

happening I need to put my tits away can

you please stop

so it turns out it's an enchanted sword

named Alexis on the back of an alligator

floating down the river

um why wouldn't it be of course

um so turns out she was stolen from a

demon from the demon who made her

um and after Felix gets her from the

alligator she tells them that she was uh

almost sold by a bandit to a creepy claw

cult that's collecting girls

oh no I was wondering how it's all gonna

Circle back because you know in my head

I was like oh they're like they finally

had their moment where they're

solidified I was like so now it feels

like we're entering the final we're

getting it okay we're getting it so she

says she knows where the cult is but

demands to be taken to the beach before

she'll tell them

um so Felix is like I got you hun hold

on so it actually takes her to Fallon

who uses her to chop up a tree and then

threatens to smother her in deer poop

until she tells them where the girls are

um so it turns out it's a it's a castle

in a village that's about three days on

Horseback away

um Felix goes to help the demons prepare

for the attack Fallon goes inside to

sleep so that he can fly everybody there

so it'll only be a few hours instead

um so they can get to the women faster

because they don't know what's going on

with them

so cinnamon cinnamon and Brie are

outside with the sword when their friend

a girl one of the girls who was taken

Kitty comes like stumbling towards them

and she's looking rough

um and cinnamon does not like her

they're cousins they are not friends and

so she throws a pebble at her to make

sure that she's not an illusion and it

like bounces off her tit and she's like

what the [ __ ] is wrong with you right

now like why are you like this and she's

like just making sure everything's safe

now

um so Brie goes to help her but as soon

as she touches her this blue Lightning

envelops them both and she blacks out so

turns out it was not in fact safe

I was wondering where I was like this

feels like a weird

a weird part to cover that she hit her

cousin in the tit with a stone I didn't

need to cover it but but it does make

more sense now yes yeah I was like oh I

see I see hey you know

I think that sometimes if you give me

enough time I will get there and it will

make sense but other times I won't and

so I like to keep people on their toes

generally

so she wakes up in a dungeon

and her wrists are held above her head

by some kind of glowing Vine thing

Alexis the sword is on the floor next to

her and another there's like all of

these women basically lined up on a wall

all of them are hooked up to this

glowing Vine uh the woman next to her

tells her to try to work the sword

toward them

and then two men come in before they can

really do anything

um the man the men say that they thought

Brie was cinnamon and they needed the

dragon's wife because she has more magic

because she has access to his magic

um and they only have three days to get

all the magic that they need for

whatever spell they're doing

um one guy leaves ultrapist and the

other guy gets in a tizzy with Bree and

the woman next to her about how they're

resurrecting a God to introduce a new

world order where women can go back to

being mothers and caregivers

so Alexis gets into the mocking of this

guy and is like you're doing this

because you can't get any [ __ ] are

you for real like we're that hard up for

[ __ ] we're resurrecting a god

a lot of effort

you're like no one wants to be your

housewife yeah so this is our course of

action we're gonna resurrect to God

um so the guy eventually does storm out

Bree is able to get Alexis they cut her

down and all the other women and it

turns out the woman next to Bree is Usha

the pirate Captain

um so they organize the women to try to

get out but only some of the women can

walk several of them are like super weak

um so they decide that they have to try

to destroy the the magic store thingy

um before the demons come to rescue them

[Music]

um because they know like they're coming

for us

um Usha and burrino they're coming for

us so

uh Usha says anyone who doesn't have the

tits for murder should stay towards the

back because they're going for it

um

and then she's like Bree is thinking

she's like I don't know if my tits were

built for murder but

like how does one know exactly she says

I don't think they were even built with

my back in mind so

um so they start moving through the

Casual castle and some several of the

women have weapons on them that these

men just never bothered to try to take

from them because they were stupid women

are weak right and men are stupid

um so they just start indiscriminately

killing a bunch of cult members as they

move through the castle

um Usha is a for real Beast she's just

up front because that's both gonna be

about Usha I hope so

so

um we're flashing to Cinnamon Felix has

lost his ever loving [ __ ] mind

um The Love Potion effects of and being

away from her

um have made him absolutely literally

insane they can't hold him back so they

have flown now to the castle so they've

got like 100 demons ready to storm this

castle and they were gonna do a surprise

attack but Felix just takes off so no

more surprise

um and so they just go in attack in

Mages trying to get into the castle

so we're back to Brie

um she killed a guy and she decides that

she does not in fact have the tits for

murder but here we are

um I mean I do think that is one of the

ways you learn yeah yeah you just some

things you just have to experience for

yourself I imagine yeah yeah I I tried

it once found out I didn't have the tits

for murder now I know there you go

um I hope that neither of us ever is

actually on trial for murder or

something because this will be

introduced to the evidence

and I would like to reference the

podcast

um where you said and I quote I wonder

if I have the tits for murder

hmm

I

was like back and like um

the

um economy collapse in like 0.708

my parents like had to file for

bankruptcy it was just like a whole

thing

um and my dad used to just like go on

his way home from work he just like

stopped by Walmart the 588 DVD bin and

despite buy a lot of movies which for

him there was a lot of novelty too

because he's like oh I used to love this

movie but since like he grew up where

like you had to see it in theaters he

would like right we just had like we had

over like 1300 D like we had like a

special DVD closet there was a

spreadsheet that like people would like

borrow them like it was a whole we had

so many flipping

intense yes

and we had to go to court over this

because my parents didn't list them as

assets

and my dad was like I didn't really

think they were assets also like I just

like would buy movies for my daughters

all the time like you got an eye on a

test here's a DVD kid like truly like

I'd come home and there'd just be new

movies all the time and so I had to go

to court and testify about my parents

DVD collection

oh and there was one like and they

literally they went through the

spreadsheet that was printed and were

asking me about they're like Brian's

Song did you even know the plot of

Brian's Song and I was like yeah I read

the play in seventh grade they're like

okay moving on

so you have two copies of the perfect

storm and I said I know we have a copy

of the perfect storm and the Perfect

Score I don't know if we have duplicates

of The Perfect Storm are you referring

to two separate movies and he was like

moving on

I could wind up on that that Tick Tock

series that woman does of iconic Court

transcripts that could wind up on there

oh 100

I was like I was in like late High

School like I was not legally an adult

having to testify about all of these

DVDs oh my god well that's my dad's

heart he was like

yeah it kind of took a lot of the fun

out of buying movies I was excited to

see when my daughters had to go to court

to testify about them I was like you

know

that tracks but that's what like

whenever I think of like having a

testify in court that was my actual true

experience getting quizzed on our family

DVD collection

that I hope that anytime you have to do

that stupid Icebreaker of two truths and

a lie that you use that because that's

excellent oh no do you want to know what

I yes [ __ ] let's see if I can remember

all of them

um okay two truths in a lie

I once sat on a killer whale okay

um I almost got arrested in Africa

okay

I once caused a televised high-speed

chase

you know what

I honestly don't know I feel like the

killer whale could definitely be true as

we are from Florida yep Sea World and

Florida [ __ ] you know as we do

um I don't know if you've ever been to

Africa

so I don't know about that one and I

could see you causing a high speed chase

just by accident somehow so I'm gonna go

with Africa but I could be wrong no plot

twist all three are true

there's no lie there all three of those

are true

uh [ __ ] course they are yeah I am I

sat on Shamu yep when I was like four

yeah at SeaWorld like when they're like

we're gonna choose someone to come down

and like I was like the for the record

it's all rigged like I was the

pre-selected child I knew I was being

chosen for this so I sat on Shamu

um also that was like I would like to

give myself credit that that was almost

30 years ago before I realized like

things about like animal captivity and

like before we all saw Blackfish and it

ruined my childhood yeah let's just take

note of that before anyone blasts us or

being like and they said they love

[ __ ] Sea World and I'm like don't we

we don't we have memories of it I have a

lot of memories of Sea World

um so I sat on Shamu

I went to Cameroon to visit a friend who

was living there she was on a Fulbright

scholarship studying bee pollination as

one does she's one of like the most

interesting cool individuals

and honestly she's her literature

choices are way too high brow she'll

never hear this episode

what a yeeded love potion isn't on

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an auction I adore you

um but yeah so I went to visit my friend

who was living in Cameroon at the time

and essentially they were wanting to

elicit a bribe from us and saying I

didn't have like the right paperwork but

I did have the right paperwork and

because Gretchen lived there

she was like we're not doing this [ __ ]

like we're not like too random American

tourists that you can just like Bully

into giving you what you want and so

like they're yelling at us she's

screaming at them I'm just standing

there a very tall man with a gun comes

over and he's like nope like slung over

his back and he's like you're American

and I was like

yeah damn it and he goes you killed a

black man just be killed just because he

was black and I was like I did not I

that's like me blaming you and Cameroon

for something that happened in South

Africa like this was like years and

years and years ago yeah um

but yeah I was like no no I did nothing

of this sort

um yeah like it like it escalated to the

point that like I don't know their

higher argument like their Chief their

Sergeant whoever it was came over and

was like you need to let these two white

girls go because they're not going to

give you right the the bribe money that

you're wanting right

um and this is going to go poorly for us

right this is going to cause an

international incident that we are going

to come out on the wrong side of yes

yeah

um and then when I worked psychiatric

crisis in Nashville

um we had to involuntarily hospitalize

someone and

I don't know who it was someone in my

office gave this man his car keys and so

I'm standing there talking to police

this dude is like sitting in the

driver's seat of his car I'm talking to

police

right next to his car they go to talk to

him and he has his car door open and is

talking with him for a minute he's

the dude slams his car door shut and

like Zips out of the parking lot and the

officers are like oh like do we have the

involuntary commitment paperwork sign

I'm like it's right here and the officer

goes [ __ ] like hops in his car like I

swear the man went up on two wheels as

he cut this turn leaving our parking lot

um but then they were trying not to like

draw a lot of attention through traffic

and a news van just happened to see like

six police cars following one car with

all like none of them had their lights

on but they were like this feels weird

and they just whip around in traffic and

start recording it yeah he he crashed he

tried to fight police on the highway it

was a whole thing

um

so all three of those were true and not

at all pertinent or helpful to where

we're at in this book but entertaining

yeah there we go so the women find a

room full of love potion so it turns out

that these are the guys who are selling

Love Potion

um so she Pockets one thinking that they

might need it well she's thinking like

maybe Fallon can reverse engineer an

antidote or something so

um

she's also like maybe they have antidote

here but just in case I'm gonna put this

in my pocket yeah so a guy comes in and

like freezes and all the women freeze

and then he like turns around and runs

out so Bree and another woman take off

after him to stop him from warning the

rest of the cult members and then a

ghoul shows up and Bree's like I [ __ ]

hate these things and I I'm not a fan

damn it another ghoul so she grabs the

girl and is like get ready to duck and

she throws the Love Potion that's in her

pocket at the ghoul and then ducks and

rips the cult members cloak off so the

ghoul is now in love with this cult

member whose name is Chad

because of course it is so the ghoul

tells Chad not to fight their love and

starts chasing him and telling him they

should open a b b

and so then the other women

um wind up finding the antidote to the

Love Potion oh good there is an antidote

there is an antidote so Bree Pockets

that and they keep following the Vines

um to a grand hall that's filled with

men

um all these cult members praying and a

fight ensues it turns out the cult

Leader's name is Father Dave which I

made note of just because I thought it

was

just why but it's it's Dave

um I

always think of Dave Coulier or whatever

his name is when I hear the name Dave my

dad's name is Dave so you're like I do

not I don't think of that of the dude

from Full House I don't

know

nope just think of my my dear old dad

um so the other women all start fighting

the cult members so that Brie can go and

try to destroy the like power source

thing

um and then Dave starts summoning the

God as more Ghouls and cult members

shows up it's just it's not a great

situation Brie makes it to the center of

the room when a giant Lobster starts

forming out of the pool

the God is manifesting as a lobster yep

um so she starts swinging at this like

glowing egg looking thing

um

and then she's like transported

somewhere else so there's this creature

um that's like whispering to her and

she's like we already defeated you know

this goddess once like we'll defeat you

two and the thing is like you're

adorable sweetheart I am the goddess

like I just take whatever form I want

I'm just in the ether and I'm here to

[ __ ] you up basically

um that is problematic yep so it's a

whole thing it starts showing her

flashes of the past and how it took over

this woman's body

um and became this goddess whatever

um Breeze like absolutely the [ __ ] not

because it's like you could be my my new

body I've been trying with these cult

members but they [ __ ] suck but you

seem pretty strong so why don't we give

it a go and she's like get the [ __ ] away

from me be a lot cooler if we didn't

yeah so then it starts sifting through

her memories to try to figure out what

she wants the most

um and the creature realizes that Bree

loves to read and she wants knowledge

and so this thing is like

um we can do that

we we can get you knowledge say no more

girl and Bree is like you should stop

now like because it's sifting and she's

like no you won't like what you see when

you look at what I read so you should

stop and so of course the thing does not

and so

um she starts thinking about the most

[ __ ] up sex scenes that she's ever

read just the most depraved situations

that she can possibly think of Jenna

vipers exactly

exactly and so this creature is not

pleased it is like what is wrong with

you and so she like keeps throwing out

this stuff

um and she's like oh you said you can

give me whatever I want what if we make

an Omega verse I feel like that would be

super cool we should totally do that and

she goes into detail explaining to this

creature an Omega verse and all the

kinky weird [ __ ] that can happen there

um and so finally the thing loses its

[ __ ] and like throws her out of whatever

trance or whatever she's in and so she

continues to like take down this magic

magic source and then Alexis the sword

absorbs the magic and she's like I can

move on my own it's over for you [ __ ]

and she starts floating around and

killing coal members

um

so then Dave starts attacking Brie

um and he starts choking her but before

he can kill her Felix shows up and

literally physically rips him apart

um Bree calls out to him and he is

absolutely feral like he cannot think

straight

um so she tells him that she has the

antidote for the love potion and he's

like I don't want it like get it away

from me I love you I don't want it blah

blah he's like you can't leave me you

can't leave me like he's yeah I feel

like when he's not of sound mind telling

him you have something that could make

him not love you anymore is maybe not

yeah not gonna play yeah it's not the

move so

um he's like nobody can take you from me

um and he jumps on her and bites her arm

and she dumps the antidote over his head

um so uh he flips out again because he

comes out of this trance

um and he's like I I can't believe I

hurt you oh my God oh my God oh my God

and she's like babe I appreciate that

this is not the time there's like a

battle waging around them she's like

maybe we should build a room Felix fill

the room right uh maybe maybe read read

the situation yep and then we'll decide

if now see a time for a weepy apology

um so they finished the fight and then

of course they decide to eat the giant

Lobster

I'm gonna leave that for you

so that's that's the decision that is

made

so they have a big party at the beach

um with her Alexis yes Alexis finally

got to go to the beach so they're all

celebrating Alexis finally gets to

experience the beach

um and they eat a lot of lobster

um but Bree can't find Felix anywhere

um so she finds Dante the dragon and he

tells her that Felix was asking him

about curse removal

um and told him that uh he had told

Felix that he had some uh on the ship

and so he's probably back there Bree

realizes that he is trying to stop her

from turning into a werewolf

um because she's not really his mate so

she's like oh [ __ ]

she's like [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] knew it and

so she's like I am not going to have an

emotional breakdown at this party I'm

going home I can't deal with this

so

um she's like I'm just gonna go home and

cry it out but when she gets that like

she knew like she didn't feel the

imprinting no it's like she he must not

feel it because she wouldn't feel it

because she's human so she's just making

up this narrative she's making an

assumption that he must not feel it and

that's why he wants to remove the curse

there

um so Felix is at home like

furiously working in this book making

notes and stuff and and she tells him to

get out and he's like but I live here

um and she says that she understands

that she's not his mate and she's not

gonna hold it against him she just needs

him to leave like being in his presence

is painful at this point

um and he says that she is his mate

um but he turned her without permission

and he didn't want her to think that

that's who he is like that he's just

some feral Beast or whatever

um

so he says that

um yeah she is his mate lots of

Declarations of love when he was in his

whole thing and she was being hurt by

Dave in his mind the only way to protect

her was to turn her so that she would be

physically stronger

um so that's basically where it ends

they love each other very much in the

epilogue Felix goes to Dante the dragon

to get his Rune removed because he and

Brie are gonna make babies

and that's the end

you're welcome

hmm

yeah it ended with a Lobster Feast and

lack of communication yes okay lots of

bold assumptions and cognitive

distortions

cognitive distortions in books like this

annoy me so much when I'm like

just [ __ ] talk to them use your words

and ask a [ __ ] question and then we

can get rid of this plot point

that's annoying oh yeah I feel like

they're I don't even remember but like

the name of it but there was a book a

while back that like

there was no conversations happening at

all and it was just like every behavior

and action was like based off of this

like cognitive distortion and this just

like did like assumption and this

narrative they were creating and like to

the point that I'm like

this isn't fun to read yeah like this is

this one was fun I'm not disputing that

but just like I'm like

and it was just the final plot point it

was no communication I think that's the

thing I like I think that's the part

where I'm like oh I don't want it to end

on like this like

shitty lack of

communication where they're like like

because I feel like it's always like

feeling kind of codependent when it

happens you know what I mean yes

um but I do feel like outside of that it

was cute it was a fun reason it was cute

because I I recognize this episode is

like coming out right at Halloween and I

really feel like we managed to cover a

lot of Halloween things we did we got

ghouls

we got demons we got demons we got

werewolves cult members yeah yeah a

giant Lobster even

you can't forget the giant Halloween

Lobster talking floating swords

yeah we really covered a lot of it we

did happy Halloween no happy Halloween

everybody

um

you know I don't know I'm trying to

think of what kind of rating system for

this I don't know treasure chests for

our treasure trope

yes yes and for our pirate Captain Usha

who is a lovely supporting character she

really was she was a highlight there so

how many

treasure chests yeah

well are they full or empty I feel like

that makes a difference I think they

have to be full oh okay well because if

it's if it's in if it's empty then it's

just a chest there's no treasure in it

well then how

do we go with with one chest and how

much Treasures in the singular chest

that feels too that feels like fractions

it does and I can't do those I don't I

don't do those

no

um Okay so

let's go out of five treasure chests

that feels like an accurate amount to

find on a ship if it's full

of gold and if it's full of pirate booty

doubloons and whatnot

um I'm gonna say three like it was an

enjoyable read it was super cute yeah it

wasn't one where I was like God I want

to read that again like it was so

engaging but it was very fun it was it

was an easy read it was like

light-hearted in kitchen but like in

like a

positive it was cute yeah cute kitschy

but cute yeah I think three out of five

treasure chests filled with the blooms

yeah the blooms n or M

deployment no we don't do loins

how many loins nope how many lobsters

we've done no we did lobster rolls yeah

and we did Lobster emojis I think

for one it doesn't matter we're doing

Treasure Chest we're doing for our

treasure Trope our Trope our Treasure

Chest full of tropes and we hit so many

tropes so many three out of five y'all

three out of five let us know what you

think stay safe this Halloween we'll see

you soon bye

well that's it for this week's mud [ __ ]

we hope it was good for you cause it

sure was great for us if you're digging

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