Smut Club

foreign

[Music]

ladies and gents

Guys and Dolls and everyone in between

gather round

something real nice to sip on and comfy

to slip on

cause it's time for smut Club

here's your hosts Chelsea and Anna

So I listened to the episode that

dropped this last week and it might be

the funniest thing I've ever listened to

like to pretty Secrets yes I couldn't

remember which one it was I wasn't gonna

listen to it and then my sister kept

sending me quotes from it and she was

like this is [ __ ] hilarious how does

Chelsea not understand what a [ __ ] is

I'm gay and I get it

I understand what a [ __ ]

to go and listen to it because I didn't

remember what she was still what did I

say because I feel defensive but I

honestly don't even remember what I

think you called it a [ __ ] when one

of the guys went down on her and then

you said everybody got fellatio but

that's

that's about it it was several Wines in

and we all knew what I meant I knew it

wasn't as soon as the word fellatio came

out of my mouth I was like [ __ ] I'm

gonna get crucified for this one but

here we are okay so that said hello

everybody and welcome to smut club I'm

Hannah and I'm Chelsea and I do know

what [ __ ] are

oh gosh what a horrible resume

entirely that I'm business cards

should be your new email sign off

my LinkedIn profile that's that's what

we're moving to oh no

um did I ever tell you about how my

brother-in-law's personal email sign off

had this like little gift GIF whatever

the hell you call them of this like

little like dude like dancing like

bopping down the street and underneath

it it just said Haters Gonna Hate and he

forgot that he was on his personal

account and was sending work emails and

everyone got that and I loved it

that's awesome

um I also was followed this like gen Z

girl on Tick Tock who's like

all of her email sign off she's like

just changing them until my boss notices

I saw that and it was like in darkness

worst regards yeet

even signed different names that weren't

her name

I was like that's amazing she misspelled

her own name oh my God

brilliant oh yeah I've definitely done

that like

or I don't when I'm like typing my name

really fast

um I'll accidentally capitalize the

first two letters

so it's like I mean yelling we'll see

um whoa that's at least how I'm hearing

it when I'm reading it sure and I've

definitely sent emails and they're like

damn it I didn't catch that but also you

were asking me a really asinine question

well if this Jen's ear is to be believed

nobody's going to notice that anyway

you know

but is she to be believed I don't know I

don't know her well enough to speak on

her trustworthiness

well I'm also like girl you you like 22.

how long have you been

in in the industry good point okay all

that said today we are reviewing

ruthless creatures by JT

Geisinger is my guess as to how to

pronounce that g g e i

s s i n g e r so a singer if we're

Geisinger going with the German

pronunciation it would be Geisinger

okay

yeah well in my head I started going

like I before E except after C and then

it's not helpful it really I was like

receive

what you know because it has

I mean I guess it could be

Geisinger Geisinger

sure none of it matters so tell us about

the book okay so this book we have the

Bravo we have dead fiances we have anal

we have is it anal underline with an

exclamation point

no because this time the notes were on

my phone and I didn't hand write my

outline um but when I hand hand outline

yeah it gets Bolder

also I want to outline while drinking

noted yes so we open with Nat Nat is our

main character here things to know about

Nat her fiance disappeared five years

ago the day before their wedding

ouch he went on a hike never to be seen

again I've seen that Dateline

sorry

maybe it's the plot of this book maybe

this book was

maybe Geisinger saw that same Dateline

and it inspired this entire series let's

be honest all of the date lines are like

that so

yeah also it's Dateline one of the ones

that like does like the really hilarious

reenactments no I was gonna say they

take themselves a little more seriously

but those are my favorite when you're

watching like Snapped or like the

Unsolved Mysteries and I was like

are you the actor who got to play that

murderer on Unsolved Mysteries yes yes

okay we opened that her fiance

disappeared five years ago the day

before her wedding

um she is a middle school art teacher

and

she's really never recovered from her

fiance disappearing which you know makes

sense that is a pretty like tragic thing

to have happened

I'd say I get it but I've never

experienced it but

I don't fault her for kind of like

checking out and just like kind of

coasting through life so at the very

start of this book she's been seeing

this dude Chris for like two months he's

a local sheriff

and he like calls to break up with her

and she's just like

yeah okay sounds good and he's like

wait for real

and she's like yeah I actually have a

co-worker that like I think he might

really be into and he's like

wait

you're you're serious right now like

we've been seeing each other for two

months like he likes her and but she's

just like checked out and she's like

yeah no like I like maybe I should set

him up with like whatever her name is

which I thought was like hilarious

um right yeah sweetness she's just like

trying her best at this point

um so after this she goes out with her

best friend Sloane

Sloan is like one of my favorite

characters

um the second book in this series is

actually about Sloan and she's just this

like

badass yoga instructor with a like

genius IQ who always starts her phone

calls with like

a fun fact

like Nat picks up the phone call and

like Sloane is just like did you know

schizophrenia wasn't prominent until

house cats became prominent

or like something like that and you're

like what I also haven't fact checked

that but if it's true

I'd be curious because I think it

related to the fecal matter

in the particles in the fecal matter

so my thought on that yeah

would be that it probably was just as

common as it is now but it wasn't as

diagnosed

Anna that's not as good of a storyline I

don't want to think about my cat poop

making me schizophrenic

well the first thing they told me when I

got pregnant was that I wasn't allowed

to scoop cat poop because of the

particles in the fecal matter

so if my husband ends up getting a late

late on that late onset schizophrenia

diagnosis do we know the cause

my unborn child

oh gosh sorry to put that on you damn it

baby fight

okay so

um Nat and Sloane are going out for for

drinks to catch up

and Sloane is telling Nat about this

like super epically hot dude she saw at

the grocery store earlier

um she said he had epic Scruff she's

like it's more than a five o'clock

shadow but it's not quite a beard he has

epic Scruff later he's described as

looking like Jason Momoa okay I can

track that there are worse looking

people

I've often thought that

I mean I like I don't frequently do side

by side comparisons but yes I I have

frequently thought that

um

so they go out for drinks for the night

or Sloan is wanting not to go out for

drinks at night because

it is um like tomorrow is the actual

five-year anniversary of

um David was the fiance's name of

David's disappearance

um and in California they live in this

like very small town on the north side

of Lake Tahoe in California there's like

4 000 people total but apparently and I

haven't fact-tracked us either but for

the book

um once someone has been missing for

five years they are legally declared

dead

ouch yes so it's like a double whammy

it's the anniversary and like

he did yeah for real for real yes

Sloan gets her to go to the bar and hot

Scruff dude is at the bar what

no one saw this coming I'm floored we

all suck

Sloan hits on him and Sloan is like

hilarious and very confident and has a

great rack and I mean per the book

which is not your personal opinion about

it

I'm like it's not my personal opinion

but I also was like we're reviewing the

book so I don't know why I felt like I

need to keep saying per the book

that's literally what we're talking

about heard the book

she has great titties

and excellent yes and so

um

like a Sloan goes to hit on him at the

bar and he like completely shuts her

down and he's like I'm not interested

she's like oh damn like that does not

happen often

and so Nat then gets up goes to the

bathroom runs into him leaving the

bathroom and he's just like staring into

her soul he like steadies her from

falling and stares at her very intently

it's always the studying from the fall

and the staring yeah

wait no when men have stared at me in

bars intently it's not been nope

yeah I've never had it happen where I'm

like

this is a great sign of the future right

like I'm into that

and let's get to know each other no no

it's been more like where are my friends

we should leave now or has it been that

you are both very very intoxicated and

you stare and make eye contact and just

like start making out

no oh yeah cool that's never been me

either that was all hypothetical

[Music]

um not with a person I've never spoken

to or seen before oh no we stopped

making out and I asked him his name

and then at one point I realized my

glasses weren't on my face and then I

looked over and they were just on a side

table and I was like isn't that

convenient and I just went and grabbed

him and put him back on

um

good job plot twist it's not my husband

so I think his name was Mitch

was a sign and he was wearing white

white denim jeans and I hate myself

we'll see

no it was like over 10 years ago I would

have given you 100 a free pass on all of

that but he was wearing white denim

Chelsea

so concerned about the lack of

self-respect 21 year old Chelsea had she

did not love herself

the way 31 year old Chelsea does

we've made a lot of growth in progress

and I'm proud of 31 year old Chelsea for

this so tell me what happens with epic

Scruff guy

um yeah so not goes back to the bar his

having all of the drinks with Sloan like

it's just like chugging wine at this

point and they order more drinks and hot

Scruff dude just keeps staring at her I

don't like that then the town gossip

Diane pops up

um Diane annoying AF no one likes her

they like want to get rid of her but

yeah like she's just throwing a lot of

like [ __ ] small town gossip energy and

she's like oh well like

like all of this pity towards Nat about

like all that Nat has been through

you're like shut the [ __ ] up you do not

have that relationship with her she just

wants something to be able to talk about

yes yeah and so Diane does tell them

Scruff dude's name is cage with a K of

course it is yeah of course it is

um there we'll we'll get more into that

in the future his name is cage and he is

Natalie's Nat's new next door neighbor

he bought the house

with a

um Briefcase full of cash

not sketchy at all it was also she was

like I didn't think it was for sale and

Diane was like it wasn't and you're like

ominous

more questions than answers

um but like Diane won't leave and so

then like Sloane is like hey actually

Diane could you settle a bet for me

um Nat and I were talking about this

right before you walked up so like what

are your thoughts on anal and Diane's

like oh look someone else at the bar I

need to go talk to I was like that is a

great way to abruptly end a conversation

I like that honestly I could see you

using that line I probably would yeah

would or will

be honest with yourself Hannah

if the if the opportunity presents

I probably will

perfect I'm not gonna force that because

nobody wants

you're right

um I'm so sorry

so

Sloan while they're sitting at the bar

we learn a little bit more about like

Nat where like Sloane is like I'm

worried about you girl because you've

only dated three guys in the last five

years since David disappeared and you

haven't had sex with any of them you're

pretty much a nun and even nuns have sex

with Jesus

I don't think that's true like for my

own fact checking

that's not true are you a nun no

I've known a lot of a lot of Catholics

though

pretty sure

there was a Convent not far from where I

used to do Community Mental Health

crisis work when I was in Nashville and

there were frequently nuns leaving or

like driving around like a minivan

together and we don't frequently we'd

like always be at the same light and it

always made me laugh so I just look over

and I'm like oh

there's a bunch of nuns just in the

minivan or it was like a sedan just like

just like a car yeah there's some uh

German Baptists near where I live which

are kind of like Mennonites

but they can drive cars they're they

they dress like Amish people like with

the beards and the Bonnets and all the

things but they drive cars and stuff so

I will regularly be at the grocery store

and see like Laura Ingalls from Little

House on the Prairie behind the wheel of

like a Prius and it's very confusing

when we were living in Nashville we had

some friends who worked for

harpercollins

and

um they were telling us that like one of

the best sellers for romance was

actually like Amish Romance

and you'd sometimes see like a little

bit of ankle if she was feeling flirty

or maybe it was an accident I don't know

I can't tell if I want to read that or

if I want to avoid it at all costs um

given the books you normally read I

I think it might not be as um exciting

as you go for noted yeah

um

considering

like all of the reverse Harem books you

read and like

knife play but blood Play Breath play

and then you're like or I saw a hint of

an ankle I saw a small piece of

collarbone oh some collarbone I know

that is so spicy right

um so

back to ruthless creatures

we're really bad at this we're gonna

Focus we might not and that's also okay

we can own who we are so

Natalie doesn't want Sloan hovering over

her um especially with the actual

anniversary being tomorrow and so she's

like I'm fine I'm fine like I'm good and

so Tipsy Natalie decides to walk up to

cage who she's never spoken to but she

now knows that he is her new neighbor

and is like explains that they're

neighbors now and is explains that she's

had too much to drink and is like can I

get a ride home like I'm not like

hitting on you but like can I get a ride

home

and he shuts her down too

and so Sloane is like something tragic

must have happened like in his life like

he must have lost a spouse that's the

only reason like he cannot be a

heterosexual warm-blooded male and turn

down both of us and just like kind of

like creates this like tragic narrative

for him

so switch to Cage's perspective real

fast he's like oh damn she's really

beautiful like I was not expecting her

to be so stunning but I can't let that

distract me from what I came here to do

we don't know what that is that's like

just like a quick like less than one

minute chapter where you're like

[Music]

got it do you have sound effects when

you read yeah as well okay

the next morning Sloan calls Natalie and

Natalie's like why are you calling me so

early and this one is like yeah it's

after 10 a.m I've already taught two

yoga classes reorganized my pantry and

like did whatever and Natalie's like

I'm very hungover right give me give me

a break here so Sloan reminds her that

um they are going to donate Natalie's

wedding dress or like take it to a

consignment shop she's like it's time

you need to like let go of this you need

to get rid of it

um

so Sloane is on her way over Natalie

decides to like put on the dress One

Last Time

ouch right I'm like oh girl basket

um and she's like when she puts it on

she realizes like oh man like I'm really

thin and I've lost a lot of weight and

like I'm not even filling this dress out

but it almost like has the memories

where like

David was always telling her like you

should eat more and work out more and

have a body more like Sloans and she was

like oh yeah she's like you know that

always kind of made me feel shitty so

like we know she's like still sad about

the fiance but this was like one of the

first Snippets that we like have of him

and we're like

was he incredible right or is he just

dead

[ __ ] man

I think everyone can ruminate on that

line in therapy so yeah so yeah you can

thank me when you talk to your therapist

about that

the therapist won't thank Anna no but

you can so

there's a knock on the door Natalie's

like oh Sloane's here so she just shouts

come in and then in the wedding dress

still yeah she's like in the wedding

dress

and then cage pops into the room and

she's like what oh Sloane's wearing

boots today

and cage is like

you're getting married and she's like

um no no like it's just a weird

interaction

um but then cage is like

that dress doesn't suit you

and she's like the only proper response

when you see a woman in a wedding dress

is to tell her she looks beautiful and

he's like

you do

like you are beautiful but not because

of that fussy dress

and you're like wait what

old

um especially after he shut her down so

hard the night before yes like we're

getting mixed messages here buddy well

and I guess um a package got delivered

to his house for her so that's really

the only reason he had popped over was

not to make amends just like I got a

package for you

um I'm sure he does hey he does yeah

there's a lot of his package moving

forward in this book not quite yet

um

he leaves the house like like it's

almost like he like realized what he

said and like got flustered and just

like here's the package and left very

quickly

um

Sloan has a date

the night of the anniversary that she

forgot about she's like I can cancel it

I can like come hang out with you and

Matt is like don't do that I'm gonna go

take myself out on a date as well and

Sloane is on a date with a local Tech

guy named Stavros he is

here in the future of the book as well

so I thought I would tell us his name

um

I don't know I grew up in a very

Greek area

everyone's last name sounded like a

fungus

it's

Kelsey I'm everyone who lived there said

that that's not like me being an [ __ ]

stop Monopoly

okay I'll give you that I'll give you

that right yeah not being an [ __ ] I'm

just not hating just Satan I did not

like that I just said that damn it oh

Natalie takes herself to this very nice

steak restaurant for dinner she orders

herself a full bottle of the most

expensive champagne which she can't

afford on her teacher's salary so she's

like putting this [ __ ] on my credit card

but I am living my truth today if there

was ever a day to do it

yes

um cage is also at the restaurant of

course he is and the um

I don't know the maitre d That's the

word I'm going for the majority walks up

to her and it's like the gentleman has

asked that you join him and she's like

oh okay fine she's like I guess it like

beats the staring I don't know so she

says yes and then there he's like let's

reintroduce ourselves so he he's like my

name is cage she's like first or last

name he's like yes and I'm like okay

like Beyonce I was gonna say like share

but yeah

or brandy and I know we previously

talked about Brandy yeah yeah

what was her last she had a last name

well so does Beyonce

yeah but I feel like like bran if you

say Brandy people are like which one

right

like I feel like Beyonce no one's ever

like oh which one I there are a few that

I know could you be more specific

um he's like do you always drink this

much and she's like no it's just like I

know you drink this much two days a year

on the anniversary of like tells him the

story of her fiance disappearing and

then he's like I like your dress and

she's like it's simple then he's like

Perfection doesn't need embellishment

okay

he's bold

that's the best word to describe cage

um honestly there were a lot of quotes

that I like wanted to outline but there

were just so many that I'm like

what is freaking Happening Here Yeah so

like she tells him the full story of her

fiance disappearing and like

um but then it's like I'm so sorry that

was so insensitive of me to tell you and

he's like what do you mean she's like

well like because of your loss oh no and

he's like

yeah uh I've never lost a spouse I've

never been married I've never been

divorced I don't have any kids and she's

like oh I guess the narrative that

Sloane made up to explain why you turned

us down I don't think she said that but

in her head she's like I'm like girl

you created that narrative to make

yourself feel better but then you

actually like did you think it was true

you know like like she did apparently

she drank that much she did and then she

asked what he does for a living and he's

like I'm a collector she's like of what

like of antiques and he's like a debts

dun dun

I was like of

what that too we'll get there

um

yeah so they're just like

going back and forth and he propositions

her

and like tells her that he bought her

house for cat or bought his house for

cash

um to

um like not embezzle the money invest no

it was to like clean the money

essentially yeah um it's like that's why

I bought the house for cash and he's

only leaving in a few days

um and she's like why why are you

telling me this and he's like well I

want you to trust me

and you're like you guys don't know each

other and then like she keeps like

interrupting him and he's like interrupt

me one more time and I'll take you over

my knee at this table and I'm like

you've known her for like one day and

this is your first conversation with her

um again during money launder that's the

word I was going I was waiting for you

to get there you could have helped me

get there did you know the word I was

yes but I was comfortable with

where you went is that because you like

watching me flounder because I like I

know because I make up random like when

I was like talking about liquid courage

and kept calling it emotional Lube like

is that what you were were you like if I

sit here on the word launder long enough

Chelsea will either find it or embarrass

herself

and I will

because it's true uh now you said as an

acceptable synonym you didn't need me

I always eat you

I always need you

um but then she's also like so like why

where's this where's all this coming

from like what the heck changed since we

talked yesterday it's like yesterday you

weren't under my protection and now you

are and you're like what okay what does

that even mean yeah and who knows and

then like the waiter keeps coming up and

interrupting and like cage looks at the

waiter and he's like come up and and

interrupt us one more time and I'm going

to shoot you between the eyes so you're

like this man is so unnecessarily

intense

and then like he propositions her again

and he's like let me finger [ __ ] you

under the table while I feed you like

come sit on my lap

again

bold well and she's like

I just told you my fiance like the five

year anniversary

um this is a bit much thank you for the

generous offer and she takes off and

leaves and so he follows her out and

like apologizes if he offended her and

then he's like if you want to be left

alone I'll totally respect that um but

you need to know I want to this is a

direct quote I want to [ __ ] your sweet

[ __ ] and your perfect ass and anything

else you'll let me [ __ ] because you're

the most beautiful woman I've ever seen

in my life he's like I'll leave you

alone but I haven't heard you tell me to

leave you alone yet and then he and then

he hops in his car at the valet and

speeds away

that is the height of romance

I mean just

straight Swoon worthy that

I'll tell my husband got me

[Laughter]

not her husband

spoiler I am JT Geisinger and I don't

know how to pronounce my own name this

is autobiographical

oh my God it's not

oh my God is your dead fiance the guy in

the white denim because that's what did

him in I was gonna say he might have

deserved it

poor Mitch I think that was his name I

was trashed I do not remember you know

you said you lost your glasses I have

found glasses and sunglasses at bars and

just will put them on like okay so it's

good I wasn't there because your glasses

would have disappeared so might I ask

that if that ever happens in the future

you're just like I'm gonna be a good

Samaritan and put them on the table in a

very prominent location if they're

sunglasses who gives a [ __ ] actually

mine are prescription so hahaha it'll

[ __ ] up your eyesight

jokes on you

um okay

but yeah just like if I could

um

request

that you be a Good Samaritan and just

put them on a table and then drunk

whoever can go oh there they are and

just go grab them I hear your request

and I will take it into consideration

but it's not like if they're reading

glasses I don't give a [ __ ] but like

I don't have good Vision I that would

have been a long weekend without glasses

got it would have no oh that would have

that would have sucked

um

I was yeah I was in Grand Rapids

Michigan I lived in Dallas Texas at the

time it was a whole thing

um so the next morning Matt is telling

Sloane all about the dinner

and Sloan's like so so you're gonna [ __ ]

him right and Natalie's like no I'm not

going to [ __ ] him and Sloane's like girl

break your dry spell she's leaving in a

few days anyway think of it as therapy

for your vagina like

just go get you some and Natalie's like

I don't I'm not there and then Sloane

was like hey Natalie I love you and I'm

gonna tell you a really hard truth

David is dead like nice like she's like

David is gone he's not coming back he

went on a hike the day before your

wedding on a trail he knew like the back

of his hand

he's not coming back like you need to

move on

um

like and I really love Sloan for her

level of like friendship in this book

right

um yeah like he was an avid hiker like

hyped like several times a week like

there's no reason he shouldn't have come

back and so Sloan's like he would want

you to be happy like he would not be

happy knowing that like this is the life

you're living five years later

um

then there's a knock on the front door

after this phone call and it's a random

dude that Natalie doesn't know and he's

like hey yeah my family owns the

whatever apartment complex and it's the

apartment complex that David was living

in when he died

or when he disappeared and they recently

renovated and they found a letter

addressed to Natalie in David's

handwriting

um that like had no date stamp

um but it was like yellowed and stained

and it was like he put it in like the

outgoing box and it like got stuck and

caught and like oh so no one

knew it was there until they were

renovating right so she opens it and

like finds a key and she's like I have

no idea what the hell this key goes to

whatever okay so she's like does what we

would all do and I appreciated the

humanity of this she Googles

how do you find the the lock to a key I

have a random key how do I find what it

costs you

um she did not yield great success I was

gonna say how what um yes so there's a

knock on the door

um another knock on the door it's a busy

house it is a busy house it's Chris

the sheriff that she had dumped

um and

he wants to rekindle things and he's

kind of like well when I dumped you I

kind of thought it would like light a

fire under your ass and she's like

so let me tell you about this co-worker

but I think you should date and he's

like the one who dresses like she's

Amish and he she's like she's really

great

oh nap yeah um but he when she opens the

door she'd like just been searching for

like what the key goes to and she like

has

like the key's the only thing in this

envelope oh there's no letter there's no

letter there's just the key and so she's

like holding it and he's like oh like

what what do you have there's like oh I

just found this random key because I

guess

um her parents had left for the house

when they retired and they moved to like

Arizona or something and so she's like

yeah I need to like call my parents and

see what this key goes to and like lies

about where it comes from and he's like

oh it looks like the exact it looks like

my safety deposit box key

like in fact like and he like grabs it

from her and like turns it over and he's

like oh like that see like that's the

box number on the back it looks just

like mine over at Wells Fargo she's like

let David make that Bank of America like

I have more questions than answers now

um

and but like Chris like won't let up on

me like I made a mistake please go back

out with me and she's like no thank you

and then he like grabs her and tries to

kiss her and she's like starting like

very like forcibly like be like don't

touch me like let me go right and then

cage shows up uh-oh and is like

threatens to beat the [ __ ] out of him or

whatever if he doesn't leave

Chris scurries away and then K just like

hey I put my house on the market and I'm

leaving

um

okay yeah and he like gives her her his

phone number and he's like just in case

she's like just in case of what and he's

like

anything like your roof leaks and she's

like are you a roofer

oh Nat yeah that's excellent

like

I love how obtuse she is that's awesome

like it's incredible because I'm like

like part of it is her being sassy and

part of it is her generally like not

getting it

um

and then she like kisses his cheek as

he's leaving and says thank you and he's

like thank you for what she's like thank

you for making me feel something for the

first time in five years

and then he's gone

um switch we're gonna switch back to

cage so

cage takes a call from the federal

prison

um asking if he finished the job

and he's like

yes

yes I did and then the dude on the other

end of the call is like what did she

know anything

and cage was like no no she didn't know

anything

um and then we learned he's talking to

his boss and that he lied to him because

he was sent to this Tiny Town to get

info from Nat so he's a collector of

information

and deaths and probably bodies I was

gonna say and potentially like Toes or

tongues or something not antiques

not antiques not stamps

no not buttons

is button collecting a thing I don't

know I was thinking of actually coins

what's a round thing it's small when you

were a kid did you have that like

tri-fold for the all of the United

States quarters yes I don't think I ever

finished mine me either no I lost

interest

um so

cage says on the phone to his boss that

like he's gonna go start following up on

other leads

um and but it's like also like in his

head he's like if anyone finds out that

like I didn't finish the job and like

she's still alive like

we're both dead because I just lied to

like my my big boss

huh

intrigue mystery anal how I describe it

there's really only one anal scene I'm

just being overly dramatic

um Natalie goes to Wells Fargo with very

low expectations and is like yeah so

like I have this key like I don't know

um and then they're like oh like David

whatever and Natalie Pearson or Peterson

or whatever the hell her last name is

and she's like

oh I'm on the account yeah I'm here for

my safety deposit box then she asked

she's like so like my cousin wants to

like open a safety deposit box like what

all goes into that they're like oh like

she answer com with like two forms of ID

and she's like oh I think she would want

like my Aunt like her mom to also be on

there does she need to come too like

yeah whoever's gonna be on the like have

a key to open the box needs to be

present so Natalie's like

how did he pull this off because I did

not do this

um she goes the only thing in the box is

a letter that is like

the like oh we're getting married

tomorrow letter and like I really love

you and like but also one of those

things that she's like

why would he mail me a key to a safety

deposit box that only has a letter that

he could have just given me in person

right

so then she's like breaking down reading

this letter

it's like very sweet you're the love of

my life all that good stuff

um but yeah she's like

things aren't adding up but she can't

quite figure out

what it is so that was back like August

September we're now several months in

the future cage has been gone Natalie is

like getting her life back to normal

after the anniversary passed and after

like freaking out about David's letter

um it's now the Night Before Christmas

is all through the house is it no it's

not the Night Before Christmas it's just

like Christmas break okay there were

several times that I thought it was

either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day

and then I realized I was wrong with

this book and that could be the writing

or it could be user error

um little column a little column B

probably more column B if I'm being like

let's go 90

no 80 user error won't do 80 20. yeah

yeah I'm comfortable with that um so she

is doing some holiday baking and she's

like the oven in my house is janky and

old the cookies have one minute left

only one minute if I take them out in

one minute they're perfect if I take

them out in two minutes no one gets

cooked okay it's very much like one of

those

janky old ovens I get that

um

there's a knock on her door yet again

also what is this pen station there's

like so many people coming through here

I'm I'm in my 30s and I'm just gonna

readily own that if I'm not expecting a

knock on my door sometimes I still hit

the ground

[Laughter]

until they go away because my husband is

the one with the with the Ring app and

the ring notification so I'm just out

here freeballing it I have no idea

I just sit and wait and see if my

husband's gonna get it and if he doesn't

then nobody gets it

well the pro like do your dogs bark when

yeah Andy will go bananas yeah that's

honestly normally the problem is that

like our dog will go to the door and

then I want to shout like Brandon damn

it be chill man cool gonna make but then

they'll know I'm here

and to be fair in my head I'm like

they'll know I'm home because normally

my dog is crated and if my dog is at the

front door then they'll know I'm home or

he would be in his crate that I'm like a

lot of people don't create their dogs

yeah and nobody would know that I've

created this entire narrative in my head

but at least I'm not speaking to them

about it like Natalie did about creating

cages fake dead partner

sure yeah

giving myself some credit here I can

appreciate that uh

so it's cage at the front door

there's a knock it's cage

my notes just say he comes on real

strong but she's here for it like

she's like I haven't stopped thinking

about him since he left and apparently

he hasn't stopped thinking about me

since he left

and he's like I couldn't stay away

and then like in this conversation he's

like are you the jealous type and she's

like I don't know right do you do things

that someone needs to be jealous about

[Laughter]

he's like no like when I'm with someone

I'm just with them and like

just this very like

you knew each other for about 48 hours

four months ago right and we are just

jumping in head first here and so he

like tells her he's interested and he's

like well but you'll have to make the

first move and she's like what would you

call everything that's happened since

you knocked on my door like you made the

first move you showed up at my house and

he's like your SAS will also get you

taken over my knee sort of and you're

like

but once again she's here for it

um so he's like all right you have to

make the next move like you have my

phone number use it if you want to

hey there's my puppies

we'll get you right back to the show in

just a moment but first

do you like us maybe even love us

we sure love you

and if you do love us don't tease us

now listen those ratings and reviews

wherever you're listening right now

maybe even send us over to a special

sexy someone that would enjoy getting

smutty with us

as you know the first rule of smug Club

is to talk about SMUD Club

all right I won't keep you any longer

let's get back to the show

[Music]

so Natalie call Sloane the next day

while she's out yeah like must have been

right before the holiday break

um it was in December that's what

matters

like she calls Natalie on her lunch

break at the school and is like Natalie

calls alone I don't know what I just

said whatever you knew what I meant

Natalie calls Sloan to talk about cage

showing up at her house thank you see

Hannah I do need you I pay attention and

let me guess

thank you Sloan is like jump on that a

mediamente

yeah ride that train she goes two words

[ __ ] him

I feel like I would very much identify

with Sloan yeah I really enjoyed

Sloane's book as well because there's

like a mobster gangster dude whose name

is spider and within like their first

conversation she gets him to tell him

that his real name is Homer yes

and then like she calls him Homer and

someone's like how the hell do you know

but then she's like what like we just

talk like I made a friend yes very much

her energy but she's like two words [ __ ]

him and then

Sloan is like hey why don't you invite

him out on a double date with me and

Stavros tonight

um

so Natalie calls cage and once again

this man not afraid to come on strong

because she calls and he's like

I was just thinking about you and she's

like oh yeah he's like yeah my [ __ ] is

rock hard

okay right

I don't I literally would just be I mean

that is a personal problem bro and I'm

not sure what you want me to do about it

but I can tell you what I will do about

it nothing but I'm like

you know like 10 minutes later she has

to go back to teaching 12 year olds how

to paint right oh yikes

oh and she's like uh-huh and she's like

okay well can I ask that maybe you like

reel it in a little bit like you are

coming on kind of but she's just like

she's not like I'm not here for this

she's just like

so you're at an 11. and if we could dial

it back

but like there's no like numerical value

she gives him right right right right

yeah

um and then she asks them out to go in

the double well she asked him out for

the night he like hangs up before she

can even tell him it's a double date but

when she asks them out he's like oh like

my plan is working and she's like what's

your plan and he's like to make you mine

okay

again I know

yeah

that's a normal response to that you

know it's so intense so

um we Flash the date he is punctual he's

there right on time he brings her

flowers she swoons

she

um goes to put the flowers in water and

then like once again he's like I really

want you to trust me and so he like

tells her she's like so

tell me about your debt collecting job

and he's like

I'm a criminal I don't remember exactly

how that played out but he does tell her

that he's like the biggest and baddest

Criminal

you know

when they say that it's usually not true

it is

true in this situation okay yeah

my experience in general I've worked

with a lot of different people who've

done a lot of different things and

usually the ones that are like oh honey

like that's cute are the ones that are

like I'm the biggest and the baddest and

it's the ones that are quiet that you

need to be very wary of The Quiet Ones

they're always watching they are always

waiting they are

they'll never find your body

they will not

um so when I used to work crisis in

Nashville we had just opened this like

brand new multi-million dollar treatment

facility and all of the new furniture we

had was weighted with sand so it was

either not able to be thrown or very

very heavy and difficult to throw

furniture

the very first day I was gonna say did

they take into consideration the PCP

strength or

um what they didn't take into

consideration was that they ran out of

sand the day before and so oh no not

like everything had just enough weight

to like have heft to it but like not

enough to like so they just made them

better weapons yes and so the very first

day and this brand new treatment

facility this like quiet dude

um also they did a great job with the

sound dampening because we didn't hear

[ __ ] happen oh

he got pissed takes like one of the

weighted tables or chairs I don't

remember which

Chucks it like destroys the window like

breaks the window out like the first day

by the time we knew that anything had

happened he's just sitting calmly in the

room again I'm like that's more

terrifying 100 like I don't I didn't

like to go Hands-On I never wanted to go

Hands-On but I'm like it's more

unsettling when you just destroyed a

window and then when we come into the

room you're just like

hello I'm ready for my assessment you

know you know what I mean yes I do know

what you mean I do know what you mean

the guy that so there was a guy that

picked up a chair and hit me in the face

with it when I worked crisis

stabilization that's how I broke my nose

the third time

and

but before that for weeks

he was just like I'd come on the unit

he'd be like hey Miss Hannah you gonna

have lunch with me today like nope not

today maybe like you got a boyfriend

like

yep and like just keep walking he wasn't

on my caseload those that was literally

our only interaction until one day we

had our daily discussion about lunch

plans and my love life and then he just

picked up a chair and hit me in the face

with it like nothing like

he had just been calm as could be

and then yeah and then I got hit in the

face really hard was it because you kept

spurning his advances I mean I guess so

I don't know but I do remember that

there was a tech on the unit like an

orderly

um that he had played football I think

for Georgia Tech and it was like he'd

been waiting for this moment his entire

life he was like straight The Flash

coming down the hallway and just took

this guy to the ground and I'm just like

standing there with my hands under my

face catching all this blood and I was

like thanks to fonte

laughs

but the good news was I got to go home

and they gave me workman's comp because

I looked so scary they didn't want me on

the unit

some of our mental health checks were

some of my absolute 100 favorite

co-workers we had one dude because I I

worked second shift so I worked 2 P.M to

2 A.M and he worked third shift

um but he worked seven P to 7A so like

we had there was just like five hours of

my shift that like we didn't overlap and

this man

he like he wasn't like he wasn't the

tallest like I'd say he's probably like

five eight five nine but he just had

this presence about him that was like I

know exactly what you're talking about

I'm like you don't need to be tall like

I feel like a lot of times like oh I'm

I'm like six seven and I'm a mental

health Tech and I'm like you are a

[ __ ] marshmallow like

you are the Michelin Man I'm like you

just like if your size does not

intimidate them into like not acting a

fool we're all screwed because your size

was really what we had going for us here

and this dude he's like five nine

I just look over it'd be like 1am and

he's just like he'd always kept gloves

in his back pocket and so yeah he was

always ready no matter what happened but

I just look over and he take the gloved

out of his pocket and put him on and

they do like knuckle push-ups at like

1am and I'm like

you good he's like just staying awake

and I'm like okay I do not want to cross

you nope please be my friend yes I loved

this man he was one of my absolute

favorites I was so sad when he left

um anyway cage is like I'm the biggest

and the baddest criminal we do learn

there's some truth to this once again

he's like I really want you to trust me

so I'm gonna tell you all of the truths

and then she's like which is a bold

opening move well and she's like I never

want you to lie to me

and he's like mind you she's had some

like trauma she's had some [ __ ] and so

then he's like

well then I there are some things that I

might just keep to myself like

there's a lot of very quick back and

forth that's honestly kind of hard to

like cover and document

um yeah so he's a big bad criminal they

have an intense makeout session in the

kitchen

um

and he still doesn't know it's a double

date right she does tell him she's like

she's like you hung up and before we and

he's like no like that's like fine but

like but she tells him she's like I'm

the kind of girl like once I fall in

love I'm all in and he's like oh trust

me you're gonna fall in love with me and

she's like once I Fall In Love

even death can't make me fall out

and then

cage is like you're missing fiance

doesn't deserve the Loyalty that you're

showing him are you still in love with

him and she's like it's over if it

weren't I wouldn't feel so strongly

about you and like girl

that don't make no sense

we went from six to midnight on we did

your

libido I don't know like we just went

from like no one

like it's like [ __ ] cobwebs down

there

just suddenly being like

I'll love you till death if I fall in

love and I'm like where

oh my God where did we like I'm pretty

sure he was just trying to get his dick

wet why are we why are we going he's so

hard they're both going so hard because

she I don't like that no because she's

like it's over because if it weren't

like I wouldn't feel so strongly about

you and he's like good because I don't

share

with a dead man

well no he said missing he didn't say

dead

um

so they go to the restaurant

um and Natalie um immediately is like

there's some weird tense Vibes here also

Stavros and Sloan invited to a stavros's

friends on this double date so it's like

Sloan Nat stavrus cage two dudes that

like

are just like staring at cage like with

like

a little bit of fear and just like

respect and like recognition like you

know yeah and recognition and Sloane is

like yeah this is Alex and Nick and when

they introduce themselves like they're

he's like one like I'm Nikolai like I'm

a Lexi

like I don't know not the names they

gave me or whatever

um

and Stavros like is the dude who works

in Tech but like they're all just like

staring at him and then like a few words

are exchanged in Russian and then like

they like drop their eyes and like are

no like just like the fearful respect

right

um

then like all of the dudes start just

like deferring to cage where

like cage ordered Sloan and Natalie like

whatever wine they'd been drinking the

night that he met them at the bar like

he noticed what wine they were drinking

then he ordered himself

a scotch or something to drink and then

all of the men are like we will drink

what he is drinking like that and you're

like

uh okay just to have a beverage that you

want don't make it weird well and so

then Natalie's realizing like with the

Russian with all of this and she's like

he's in the Mafi she's like [ __ ] man

you don't know him you don't even know

if cage is his first or last name and

like we're just stuck in the lustiness

Beyonce is her first name does she only

go by one yes but if someone says

Beyonce is that your first or last name

she's not going to say yes she's going

to say that's my first name yeah so

Natalie's like oh [ __ ] first dude in

five years I've been into I know how to

pick them so she's she gets up and like

excuses herself from the table and like

runs and

um like

goes through like not a bathroom it was

like an employee break room or something

like that and like cage is like

immediately on her heels and like locked

the door and she's like

you're not like a good like [ __ ] like

you are like a high-ranking Russian hi

you're not a good person and he's like

well you knew I wasn't a choir boy and

she's like well you didn't tell me you

were head of the Russian mafia and he's

like I'm not the head I'm number two

and then she's like what he's like no

one's perfect now

and then she's like is that why I should

stay because like no one's perfect and

he's like no this is and then he kisses

her

and so then they're like very intensely

making out and then he's like

pulls her like one leg up and wraps it

around his hip and he's like tell me you

don't want me but your sweet [ __ ] will

tell the truth you're soaked right

through your panties

um

in the employee break room at this

restaurant

it's just not

no it's like the whole the whole time

the funny thing is I ran this is my

second time reading this book and the

first time I read it a long time ago I

don't think it like hit me quite how

like

aggressive it was and then this time I

was just like what the [ __ ]

a buddy yeah so then there's like a lot

of dirty talk as he like rubs her

through her panties

um she relents and is like okay I guess

I'm here for this

because this feels really nice that's

the enthusiastic consent we're looking

for all right I guess

I think the consent in the book was that

she hiked her leg up higher on his hips

so he could have better oh well then

that counts

um it doesn't there's more dirty talk

she orgasms and then a gunshot goes off

in the restaurant oh my stars what so

um

switch like cage cage tells Natalie to

stay put that he's gonna go and

investigate

um

then he's hearing like not just like

people shouting in Russian he's hearing

them shouting in Irish as well and he's

like the Irish are here what the [ __ ]

so he looks Alexi and Nikolai they did

like and then he sees Stavros and Sloan

like star versus protecting Sloan and

they're like hiding and like Sloan being

the badass she is like silently like

tilts her head towards the kitchen doors

and like holds up two fingers and like

he's like oh yeah like I'm just here for

she's like I'm not I'm just watching

what's happening and like Snappers has a

gun in front of me and okay

there's two in the kitchen go get them

big guys this is kind of the energy so

um

cage goes into the kitchen he like an

employee sees him go into the kitchen

who's also hiding who like sees his face

um goes in kills the two Irish dudes who

are in there but then he's also like

like when they when he turned around I

shot him in the chest he's like I never

shoot a man in the back it's

unsportsmanlike

um okay yeah so then he grabs Nat and

like he's eliminated the threats like

Stavros has left with Sloan he takes off

with Nat

um that starts freaking out on the drive

back Fair rightly slow

so rightly so I can talk

um also like this is her first date

get well not I guess she dated three

dudes in the past five years this is the

first dude she's been into and it's like

this is the first date she's given a

[ __ ] about in five years

it I don't think it went how she wanted

it to go

I mean she did get off but I don't think

comparisons I I she probably wanted is

an orgasm the metric for a good date I

don't know I don't know what her metric

is

I don't think she knows what her metric

is either because she starts freaking

out in the car

um and then cage starts giving her

advice on like if the police show up you

do not need to speak with them like like

just like all of like just telling her

what to do and

um but he is also like

telling her that her being tied to him

puts her in danger and like he they will

never be public like they their

relationship will always be secret just

to keep her safe

um and cage is like so no more dates

then well I think he just wants to keep

flying to this Tiny Town on the north

side of Lake Tahoe and [ __ ] her and

hoping no one notices I don't know and

he's because he says he's like if you

knew what was good for you like you'd

tell me to leave you alone and then he's

also like oh and I can't have kids

because I had a vasectomy at 21. because

like this life is really dangerous

um but if you choose me

I'll give you everything else you've

ever wanted you'll be my queen

vasectomies can be reversed

yeah

but I guess that wasn't the point here

no I think we picked up on a weird

detail of everything that's happening

I was like he could have that reverse to

be wanted but I guess that's not the

point he doesn't want kids is what he's

saying oh I think it's that like it's

too dangerous a life like he wouldn't

want to bring kids into right being the

number two for the Russian family in New

York sure sure

um

but Natalie

decides to go for it she's like okay

honey gunshots did they freak me out

sure was that orgasm worth it apparently

that isn't her mentoring of a great day

um they get to the house and they bone

it's intense and because it's like

everything else and he keeps being like

if yeah like your sass will get you

taken over my knee and she's like I

don't give you permission to spank me

yet

oh God right

um

and then like

she says to him she's like all of these

years I don't think I was waiting for

him to come back I think I was waiting

for you and I'm like oh girl girl he

showed back up yesterday you have known

this man 72 hours

yeah but she spent a collective three

and a half with him

like

girl you don't know him you don't even

know his name like I can't get past that

you don't even know his [ __ ] name

he's not Beyonce I mean I'm not here to

judge uh a random Anonymous hookup but

that's not what this is is slated to be

no so they have like a cute post-coito

conversation

um cage is like I'm gonna make you

dinner because she clearly didn't get

dinner at the restaurant

he feeds her makes like breakfast for he

just makes like bacon and eggs

um and then like puts the food or puts

the plate on the nightstand her drawer

is a little open and he sees that she

has a

Bevy of sex choice

bounty Bevy an array array a myriad a

cornucopia oh we're gonna go with

cornucopia

she has a cornucopia I'm sorry also now

I'm all I'm thinking is like the horn

filled with sex toys and Lube

um Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a

good night I don't know why that's what

I just thought of oh okay we'll move

past that

um

so he uses some of her sex toys on her

the bone again she practices her dirty

talk this time he's into it they fall

asleep in the morning he's gone and the

police are knocking at the door nice so

the detective there's two detectives who

are at the door one of them is the one

who

um was covering David's disappearance

who like was never really helpful always

kind of thought Natalie was involved and

was just kind of like

a dick of a woman a female detective

sure I don't remember her name

um and Natalie just like grow some balls

on her and she's like yeah I have

nothing to say

um you I'm under no obligation to speak

with you and unless you're here to give

me an update on my dead fiance get the

hell off my property nice and like goes

back in the house there's another knock

on the door it's Chris

who they've sent up to because he's also

in law enforcement right but wouldn't

that be a major conflict of interest

like wouldn't they not want to send him

up there well but he also like still

likes her so I think he thinks that like

it might be helpful when she's like no

[ __ ] you right

um and so she refuses to talk to him too

and he's like we have your purse it was

left like it was at the restaurant do

you know anything about the shooting and

she's like no my purse went missing a

few days ago at the dry cleaner I

haven't seen it since

yeah and

just completely lies to him and then

he's like yeah you were there with your

neighbor like the here's a witness

sketch and she like looks at the sketch

and she's like damn that is a good

likeness of cage and [ __ ] she's like I

don't know what you're talking about

then Chris is like are you [ __ ] him

she's like

leave

and like no I'm not answering that

question and he's like someone has to

protect you like I'm gonna keep an eye

out for you

I don't think we want his kind of

protection no his production just like

means like creepily like driving past

her house on a frequent basis kind of

protection

um Sloan calls

she's in Rome with Stavros

they're on his yacht like like they're

going to be Sloan when I grow up yes

Sloan is the best so she's safe in Rome

with Stavros they have a whole

Mediterranean Cruise planned on his

yacht yeah and she's like living my

dream

um then cage calls and he's like I left

you a phone in the top drawer of like in

the kitchen like it's untraceable use

this one from now on

and she's like oh what's the password on

it he's like your mom's birthday

and she's like what like how do you know

that and he's like I know everything

about you

creepy yeah like knows like and he's

like I know

um

it's a good thing that your parents

gifted you that house and you don't have

a mortgage and that you spend way too

much of your like paltry teacher's

salary uh donating it to like animal

shelters and like oh like he knows like

all of her finances

this is a man obsessed apparently yes

um he tells her he had to leave but

he'll be back for Christmas

um and then he also tells her like

he set up a trust for her so she doesn't

have to work anymore if she doesn't want

to

she's like wait what and he's like yeah

I mean it's like seven figures if that's

not enough just let me know I can give

you more and she's like

what

we [ __ ] once man so like it's this

weird balance with a million dollar [ __ ]

baby right well and at one point in the

book she says she's like I kind of feel

like a 10 million dollar prostitute he's

like well what what if we say it was 50

and the rest was a tip

I was like I don't think that makes it

better oh just the tip hey oh

um have we talked about this before

there was

a show I just remember Tom Everett Scott

Shades from that thing you do was on it

I don't remember the name of the show my

husband could probably tell me because

we've watched it a couple times but

she asked her husband like how much he

thinks she could make as a prostitute

and he's like let me crunch some numbers

and get back to you and so he's like all

right I've really been thinking about

this

I think you could make 500 as a

prostitute and she's like five hundred

dollars I wouldn't touch tongue to tip

for 500.

she's like what the [ __ ] and he's like

that's not a small amount of money

I would not touch tongue to tip for five

hundred dollars that's my new favorite

thing right

I'll have to find the name of the show

and send it to you because it's

brilliant

I will watch it yes

um

but yeah so okay just cage is like see

you at Christmas baby

and then where then he's gone into the

wind again so Christmas break now

Christmas break rolls around before it

was just December see user error got it

um Natalie is home alone and I think

it's Christmas Eve and Chris stops by to

check on her and he has clearly been

drinking and she's like

you're in your patrol car and you smell

like alcohol and like

get the [ __ ] off my property and he

won't and he's like I know who your

neighbor is and like cage is a really

bad dude

um he's known as the reaper he's a

killer see he collects bodies

um and you look and he's like I showed

his picture like that witness photo

drawing sketch to the FBI

um and like they know who he is but I

like didn't tell them that like you were

Affiliated because I wanted to protect

you and she's like

leave right he's like I won't

like I am protecting you and so she

grabs the shotgun that her dad left at

the house and is like stop harassing me

or I will shoot you and he's like

I'm just trying to protect like but he

ends up leaving the shotgun's not loaded

she's like I don't even I don't even

have anything to load in it it was just

here it looks scary

that's awesome right

um but then she's like well

Chris's Chris left cage isn't here yet

I'm just alone on Christmas Eve so she

wakes up

um yeah she goes to bed kind of sad she

wakes up cage is in her house

he has been shot

but like he's like it's not that bad

it's fine and she's like let me clean

your wound and he's like I need to [ __ ]

you first and she's like we can do that

instead

what fine where are the priorities I my

priority is not getting blood on the

sheets if I'm being completely honest

blood is very difficult to get out

especially if it's like a lot of blood

and it goes through and like is on the

mattress pad [ __ ] that no or it works if

you don't have a mattress pad just gets

on the mattress yeah if it gets on the

mattress you just have to get a new

mattress right there's no coming back

from that

um also I think it Bears repeating we

don't know him like what's we don't know

we should be not not engaging in any

sort of blood play with people we don't

know well my notes Here say he wants to

Bone first she's like you still can't

spank me I've decided you can't do

anything to me that you won't let me do

to you

they bone then they bone again in the

shower

okay then they're both like we are all

in like you are my person I am your

person we are together

um when she was like did you come right

here after you were shot and he's like

yeah that's where you go to feel better

you go home and she's like isn't your

home in New York and he's like home can

be a person I was like

y'all have spent

lesson

less than 12 hours together a week at

this point and most of it has been

[ __ ]

but anyway what else did you need to

know besides the size of his dong and

his ability to use his fingers

well and we do learn a little bit more

about cage he like actually tells her

about him some um his parents and his

sister are all deceased

from the gang violences up in New York

um and then Natalie he's like oh I need

to go next door and get some clothes and

she's like oh like I bought you some

clothes like I just I just bought you

some like comfy like Lounge stuff to

have at the house and he's like but you

haven't touched your trust she's like

yeah I just bought it with my own money

which is like really touching to him

because no one outside of his parents

had like ever bought anything for him so

like now he's like even more amazed by

her

oh so then we switched to Cage's

perspective and he's like I have to tell

her the truth but I don't want a loser

um so what we learn of his knowledge at

this point he knows her fiance did not

die in a hiking accident what

um he knows he was supposed to kill her

last September we we don't know all of

what he came looking for but like we

know he was sent to collect some info

from her and kill her

um and then he also knows that if his

boss ever found out he lied about

killing her it would be Bad News Bears

yes those are my words not cages

um noted Natalie then sews up the bullet

wound

um

with well she like grabs like cotton

yarn or like cotton like string At first

she just has like Silk sutures hanging

around well and he's like just throw

some duct tape over stick I'm not gonna

throw duct tape over it and he's like

but you'll use cot and string and she's

like oh should I not he's like no he's

fishing line or unflavored

um dental floss those are the preferred

methods oh and then she's like you know

wasn't as bad as I thought once I got

into it you're just like oh Zip Zip and

it's all sewn up

um

and okay yeah and he's like I've been

shot like six or ten times I don't know

I always get a tattoo over it

um

Natalie tells him about Chris tells him

that Chris showed his photo to the FBI

and cage is like yeah I have a contact

in the FBI don't even worry it's already

been handled the photo's gone

he's like thanks babe you're cute I got

it yes

um but then he's also like I want you to

move closer so I can see you more often

like what if I move you to New Jersey

she's like Jersey and he's like what if

I move you to Martha's Vineyard it's

only a five hour drive from and he's

she's like

what and

then he's like

we're at a stalemate because I'm in the

brat foot and I have a Blood Oath that

like

I like can't leave them and like I want

to be with you but I can't and she's

like here forgetting I'm ride or die and

I'm all in and I'm totally yours and I'm

like

she okay we're just gonna sacrifice our

entire lives and okay she did not agree

to move

we backed off that conversation smidge

um it snows they wake up on Christmas

Day to a white Christmas cute he gives

her a promise ring it is a Russian love

knot

um promise rings are what high school

seniors give their girlfriends before

they split up and go to college and then

never speak again

or if you grew up in a Conservative

Christian household you you have a

problem

Yeah it's you're promising Jesus that

you won't own anyone and then maybe you

wear that on your ring finger and then

maybe when you do bone someone you just

wear it as a normal ring on another

finger and hope no one asks you about it

um

that was very specific it was all

hypothetical

all hypothetical yeah I was given a

promise ring

um but that ship had sailed at that

point and that ship was in Fiji by then

so okay regular ring

was he actually in Fiji or had it just

sailed that long ago that you can

actually sailed that long ago Hannah

knowing you I wouldn't be surprised if

you're like and then

he moved to Fiji to be a farmhand

I'd be like that oddly tracks do they

have farms in Fiji I would go with like

a

fisherman

once again I think we're getting caught

up in the wrong details here no the the

ship had sailed that long ago yeah no I

was given it well told to protect my

honor and that was my sex talk

well I remember on Gilmore Girls they

like the grandparents invite like a

pastor or priest or someone over for

dinner to talk to Rory and they're like

and it's a precious gift and if you give

that gift away what will you give them

you'll have to give them a sweater

and she's like I gave that gift away a

long time ago I no longer have that gift

to offer

um so he gives her this Russian love not

ring but he's also like it's a promise

ring because I can never give you an

engagement ring because with my Blood

Oath to the Brava

I can never marry you

okay and

um he's like

if I like my boss can choose who I marry

for an alliance but like

I can never marry you and she's like

wait so you could be betrayed to someone

else what the [ __ ] and so then

she's real upset about all of this and

and especially now she's like

there's no like we can't have kids and

we can't get married and like this

relationship what am I going to happen

in secret and I'm like yeah we're just

thinking about these things now so she

tries to storm off to the bathroom and

he follows her and crowds her and

then he's like she grabs her hairbrush

and it's like don't make me use this on

you he's like maybe you should and then

he bends over for a spanking

what

I just wanted to see your face Chelsea

is that what really happened yes and so

then she stopped it she spanks him some

and then she realizes she is into it and

finds it hot and she's getting aroused

and then he wants his turn and then my

notes should say two chapter sex scene

we have red light green light system

nice we have spanking we have scarf

blindfolds we have stocking bondage we

have [ __ ] slaps we have vibrators we

have light butt play

light but play okay just like a finger

okay

um yeah and then cage has to leave again

but they seem they never really resolve

any like

it's all sex they just bang about it yes

they just bang they bang it out every

time

cage has to leave again Sloan comes back

in town

um she comes over to catch up she's

telling Nat that there's a war Brewing

between all of the families

um and

that it started with the shootout at the

restaurant

a month ago

um

and then

they're like they had this big family

meeting where things did not go well and

like guns were drawn and then Natalie

was like wait was that Christmas Eve and

Sloane was like yeah

and Natalie's like yeah cage showed up

here and he'd been shot and that's like

how do you know all of this and she's

like after a few days I'm like yeah they

just kind of forgot I was there so if I

just e-strap

she's dropping hella Eaves picking up

this information yes

um Natalie tells Sloane about the

promise ring and Sloane's like I didn't

think you'd get attached I just told you

to [ __ ] them and now he's like I told

you if I slept with him I'd fall in love

with him and Sloane's like I didn't

realize your heart was in your vagina

oh right

um also Natalie has this super chill dog

named Mojo he's like this giant dog that

you're like he'd be a great attack dog

he's not he's just like a sleepy bear

um but while they're having this

conversation he starts growling like

looking out the window whimpering

growling like he is not okay

and so Natalie and Sloan go and like

lock all the doors shut all the curtains

and I'm like that was kind of weird but

back to what we were doing

um

then I don't know cage has a business

meeting

he's very clearly in charge like someone

calls him

whatever the word whatever like the head

boss word is

um but he's not that but then he's like

well I have to like even though they all

treat me like that like I can't let that

go on like that's a sign of disrespect

so he makes the man pull out his own

tooth

yeah

um what a power play pull out your own

too

Natalie has like text him and was like I

miss you then he calls her and she like

tells him that she's in love with him

and he's like

okay everything's good

okay yeah

um so several days later Natalie's like

[ __ ] I haven't heard from

I haven't heard from cage and so she's

telling Sloan and she's like but it's

also bringing you up memories of her

ex-fiancee

is like making her very anxious

especially knowing he works in a

dangerous industry and line of work

and such that is such a sanitized way to

say in the mob he works in a very

dangerous industry like we're talking

we're talking the um The Deadliest Catch

it's a very dangerous industry

you said Deadliest Catch I Heard naked

and afraid

I've never actually seen the Deadliest

Catch I haven't either

laughs

I did watch one episode of naked and

afraid

where was it the naked dating show

somebody were they naked and outside or

were they naked and having dinner

because but it was at a Tropical

Paradise outside no I think I've seen

one episode of both

okay

um so

Sloane is like hey Natalie you should

tell cage that his lack of communication

makes you anxious given your previous

experience maybe call him communicate

this since your heart was in your badge

you gotta use your and we're here now

we're here now

so she's like okay I'm gonna do it so

they hang up and she goes to call him

and then she hears his phone his phone

ringing in her house and she's like he's

here

he showed up to surprise her

um they bone

shocked yeah she acts she asks him to

check in more because of David

um and then he apologizes and he's like

oh my gosh that didn't even dawn on me I

can be way better about that but then

like he's also brooding and she's like

what's wrong you've been through to

someone else and he's like no I'm not

and like if he ever tries to make me

marry someone else like I would refuse

and I'd kill him before I'd betray you

you're like wow you signed a book now

that's something there was a Blood Oath

to get you into this family right

how magic is her vagina I was just

thinking that she's got some some vagina

Powers yeah

um so then like she's all in her head

and then so when he wakes up or like she

wakes him up and she's like I need you

to help me like get out of my head like

tie me up for sex

and then he's like permission for anal

she's like green light

I don't think it was light I think it

was just green okay yeah so

um they do anal

it's a pretty long chapter

[Laughter]

appropriately honestly I don't know if

he did oh no but she seemed to enjoy it

he used her vibrator on her as well the

whole time but like for as massive as

his dick was it went from like one

finger in her butthole to his whole dick

in her butthole and I'm like I really

don't think that was enough prep

probably not but apparently the vibrator

made up for the difference whatever

that's very that's not how it works it's

not but I once again is that the detail

of all the things we're gonna get caught

up on in this book

um in this economy I will get caught up

on it

so she he tells her that Chris won't

bother her anymore and that he has to

leave the next morning and that like he

won't be back for a month this time and

she's like well my birthday is like

February February 20th he's like

maybe I'm like you are creepy

um he knew when your mom's birthday was

he knows when your birthday is honey and

so on his way out he's like loads of the

shotgun just in case and he's like we

should probably in case Chris does come

back let's make sure she's prepared so a

month passes he sent her um a

Valentine's Day gift with like a hundred

roses and a diamond necklace that she's

like it's too big of a diamond necklace

for me to wear anywhere

so I just wear it around my house

I like that right

um

and in this time like she notices that

there's been like some Footprints in her

yard outside and she's like well he said

like Chris wouldn't be bothering me

anymore but apparently Chris is still

bothering me what the [ __ ]

um and then he texted her the night

before her birthday and he's like I'll

see you soon

so she's like Yay he'll be here for my

birthday

she gets all dolled up she makes dinner

eight o'clock rolls around he still

isn't there uh oh yeah so

she's sitting there sadly eating the

cold steak

she had me wearing her diamond with her

diamond necklace and fancy clothing

um and then her phone rings and it's

like would you like to accept a collect

call from the like Federal Correctional

Facility or whatever

and so she does and it's his boss it's

Maxim magnavich

Mad Max

and so he was like yeah I was suspicious

he was like do you know who I am she's

like yes I do he's like hello yeah and

he's like well I was suspicious of all

of cages like frequent travels out west

so I sent someone to check on it and uh

I'm gonna kill you or I'm gonna have you

killed

um and I'm really bummed I won't be

there to see Cage's face when he

discovers your body since he should be

arriving soon but Victor will tell me

and she's like who's Victor and then she

hears a voice behind her that's like I'm

Victor

and Victor's inside the house yes Victor

is inside the house

so but then like Victor starts

interrogating her and he's like where's

the money she's like you mean the trust

he set up for me and he's like oh okay

there's a trust what bang she's like

Bliss bank and like Andorra and he's

like oh weird he always like preferred

like Swiss banks when he worked for us

and she's like wait cage isn't working

for them anymore like what happened like

what if I missed here

um and so he's like what's the account

number and she's like I don't know like

I haven't used it or have like I haven't

touched any of the money he's like well

you couldn't afford those diamonds on

your salary and she's like they were a

gift and she's just like answering these

questions very honestly he's like oh so

like what were they good for she's like

they were a Valentine's Day gift he's

like so you're still in contact and

she's like

yes you're expecting him to show up at

any minute yes I'm still in contact with

him well and then he's like what where

is he and she's like he told me he lives

in Manhattan he's like right under our

noses this whole time and she's like

because cage cage has really been lying

to me about some [ __ ] yeah um and then

he's like

um where did you find the time like I

wouldn't have pegged you for a [ __ ] and

then she's like what I'm not a [ __ ] and

he's like I'd call [ __ ] two dudes at

the same time a [ __ ] and she's just like

I don't understand what what is

happening here so Mojo the precious

teddy bear dog gets his act together and

attacks Victor good well distraction

long enough that she can run

um she starts running gets to the front

of the house there's like bullets

whizzing past her head and then she's

like trying to like

get out and then there's a really loud

shot and she looks up and cage has her

dad's shotgun and has blown Victor's

head off nice yeah so

Victor's dead now

Sans head Sans head

um cage make sure she's okay then he's

like I'm gonna need to take care of the

body and like he's like what happened

and she's like well Maxim called and

said that she needed to be punished for

your betrayals and

um

she was like Victor asked about like the

money and like I told him about like the

trust you set up and cage is looking

like really guilty and she's like why

did he show up like what am I missing

here there's a giant piece of this

puzzle that I do not have in cages like

well he came for the money just like I

did

and that is like

what money are you talking about and

he's like the 100 million your fiance

stole from Maxim

and she's like my dead fiance David he's

like his name is actually Damon and he's

not dead

nice plot twist

um so then we learn David Damon was an

accountant for the Brava who was great

with numbers and was like so great that

like he was making them all this money

but he was also skimming off the top the

whole time

um and then he wanted out and turned

everything over to the feds like turned

turned States witness was put into

witness protection left his wife and his

kids oh damn yes and was like placed out

on this very tiny town on the north side

of Lake Tahoe that only as we said only

had like 4 000 people

so then cage and the Gang have been

trying to like track him down and they

gotta lead like a year ago that he was

there but

clearly he wasn't because he'd already

been gone for four years by the time

they like got that lead

um and then he

like cage was sent to check it out

figure out where the money went so

Natalie is like obviously distraught

he's like I need you to get out like

you've been lying to me like this is

this is this I don't know if we can come

back from this and he refuses and he's

like no like I love you you are like the

only thing that makes my life worth

living

and follows her through the house like

tries to kiss her and once I was like

damn it F this [ __ ]

lets him just like [ __ ] this out of her

again like I have bigger problems right

um so he's kissing her and then suddenly

he like feels cold metal on his head and

she pulled the gun from the back of like

his waistband

and he's very dramatic and he's like do

it I'm dead without you anyway oh my god

um but she like

lower like she's like I can't kill him

and she like lowers the gun takes a deep

breath and like she's like just take the

gun I don't actually know how to use

these things kind of energy

she's like I will likely shoot myself

instead of you at this point yeah yes

yeah and so

um she's like what now like she's like

hasn't like forgiven him but is past the

shooting him get the hell out of my

house stage and he's like well I like I

have to go take care of the body

um and she's like well what are you

gonna do and he's like I'm gonna throw

it in I'm gonna like put it in the lake

and she's like is that what you were

gonna do to me when you were sent here

and he's like

but I fell in love with you it's kind of

like the tone and energy

um so cage is like when I'm gonna go

take care of the body really fast when I

come back will it come up with a plan

because obviously Maxim knows about you

so like when Victor doesn't check in

he'll keep sending more people and you

aren't safe

um

he leaves an hour later he comes back

her house is like destroyed and she's

gone

uh oh yeah

yeah so switching to Natalie's

perspective at this point

um as soon as cage leaves she goes and

she grabs the letter that David had left

for her in the safety deposit box and

she's like rereading it and she's like

trying to like she's like I feel like I

meant like there's something I'm missing

here and one line stands out to her

where he's like talking about like

because she's an artist and teaches art

and makes paintings and things and he's

like

um I know you've always found yourself

in your paintings and and I hope you

find me there too and or like something

like that is the line and she

it reminds her of a movie they watch

like right before they were supposed to

get married where this like drug kingpin

is in jail and he

um

his wife is visiting him and she's like

we have no money and he like says

something about like the paintings and

then she starts going through the

paintings of the house and like finds

like secret account codes right

and so she starts going through the

house and like looking at all of the

paintings trying to find something

um but then she's like cage is going to

be back any minute and if he comes back

and sees me doing this he's going to

catch on to something so she's like I'm

just gonna start breaking [ __ ] make him

think I had a full breakdown

so yeah she just like destroys her own

house

and then on the back of one of the

paintings she finds the word Panama and

she's like that's where we were supposed

to go on our honeymoon I can fit follow

these Clues so she takes her dog over to

Sloane's house

like she packs a bag takes the dog to

Sloans and then buys a first class

ticket to Panama okay yep

um she gets to Panama I'm not gonna bore

you she follows more clues she finds

David okay like she gets to the hotel

and she's like is there like a letter

for me it would be like five years old

and then apparently there was there's an

address so like she gets

to the address and like David walks out

of the house and she's like [ __ ] I found

him he's very much alive and like

looking just like a tan God like right

so

um she passes out from well all of this

is happening cage is like

I put a GPS on her phone I'm I'm gonna

track her down like this isn't that hard

I'm shocked by that right I'm like the

man who's obsessed

this feels accurate

um

so then Natalie and David are talking

he's like filling her in on like how he

ended up in witness protection and that

like right before their wedding his

Handler told him he'd been compromised

so he had to leave

um when he said was like no like my

marriage was like an alliance marriage

and like she was always cheating on me

and our our kids looked just like her

bodyguard and like it I I've always

loved you I've been down here waiting

for you this whole time

um and then he's like so filming in on

your details and so she starts like

she's like well like cage showed up

and also his real name is Casimir we

learned this at one point I think with

the Russians Paige's real name yeah okay

Casimir and I think he said his last

name was like Porter

I don't know this really isn't relevant

at this point I just wanted you to know

he does have a full name I was holding

off on telling you he had a full name

but he does have one okay um

but yeah like tells him like yeah like

cage showed up and like David's like oh

[ __ ] like are you like what like he's

like how did you survive yeah and then

she's like and then Victor showed up and

like David's like

I realized that maybe the clues I I sent

you were not as because he's like why

why the hell did it take you so long to

like find me and she's like

because that stupid key you sent me

never made it and also she's like how

the [ __ ] did you think I was gonna find

you with a key to a safety deposit box

at a bank that wasn't our bank like

this was a lot of mystery and Intrigue

that did not necessarily work

um and so

she like tells him all about cage

showing up and like what he was sent to

do then Victor showing up

um and then cage shows up as well and

um she was like yeah like how dumb am I

thinking he like loved me and he's like

you just like that I do love you like

the voice and then he like has a gun

trained on David

um and cage like definitely calls him

out on a few lies in his story where

he's like

yeah

um we didn't have Intel that you were at

Lake Tahoe until last year so I think

you're lying about

um being compromised we think you just

like took off right

and

um but then Natalie's realizing like wow

cage must really love me he followed me

all the way here

um or he's like a dangerous person who

is obsessed with you they can both be

true can they

um okay

I wouldn't say she has great insight

so then like as she's realizing that

like cage this might not all well she's

also like does he love me or is this

just like an elaborate scheme because I

like

that like maybe he sent Victor to scare

me because that like spurred me into

action and then I like did actually lead

him all the way to David so she's like I

think he loves me I don't know what's

real what's not but her insight and

judgment hasn't been great this entire

book

um and then there's like suddenly this

new cute girl walks in and like whatever

David's name is going by now and she has

a giant rock on her finger and so

Natalie's like wait so who are you she's

like I'm his wife

and so she's like so you said that

you've been down here waiting for me for

five years

um how long did it actually take you to

move on and he's like

one one year nice

um and then like as cage and Natalie are

walking out the door

she's like by the way Damon I've seen

pictures of your children they look just

like you not like The Bodyguard and then

like you hear the wife like who's Damon

just dropping bombs on the way out the

door yeah I can appreciate that so cage

takes her back to New York cage also put

into motion like he wanted Maxim killed

for trying to kill Natalie so she's

really quiet the whole time and like not

really talking to him and like he's

being respectful of that and he's like

I'll be quiet for years if she doesn't

leave like she's just desperate at this

point to make it work

um but he does get a call that Maxim has

been killed in prison and it was made to

look as though like

a fight broke out in the lunchroom and

he was just like an innocent bystander

who was killed right

so then Natalie calls Sloan and

like is processing everything with her

and then Sloane is like I don't know

this point the book is pretty much done

um like Natalie realizes like she loves

cage throughout the phone call with

Sloan

um and then she like falls asleep in

whatever room she was having this phone

call she wakes up to him carrying her

into bed and he's like going out to the

couch and she's like no stay and then

they bone

um and then

they she like tells him over the next

week because now he is the big boss and

like the head of the Brava

um but over the next week

everyone's coming to pay their respects

but like they can be out in the open now

and she tells him like she wants the

option of having kids and he's like go

check uh

go check my office the envelope in my

office and there's like a brochure for

vasectomy reversal hey yeah someone

you're like that can be reversed I was

like I know Hannah we'll get there we'll

get there I just want to ruin the

surprise

um and then he's like and check my

pocket and she's like

you you have a great day Connie and he's

like no so then there's

um he has a diamond ring he proposes

they're happy and then they fall in love

and then Sloan is flying to New York

this is the epilogue Sloan is flying

flying to New York with Mojo to meet up

with them and give the dog back

um and then she's kidnapped by the Irish

sure dun dun dun and then that's where

the next book starts in Sloan

I don't know I just really I [ __ ] with

Sloane she's so I kind of just want to

read Sloane's book now yeah it's a fun

one

um but that is the end of this book

okay so to summarize dead fiance

cobweb [ __ ]

five years later

Jason Momoa shows up

um and

very

insta love Instagram forward and then he

leaves

and

um then they end up together yep he

leaves they bone

like he leaves he comes back they bone

he leaves again he comes back they bone

with anal he leaves they come back they

bone with spanking like

uh-huh she starts doubting if this will

work they bone she no longer doubts

um more secrets revealed fiance Not Dead

goes on a trip to see him

Beyonce's a [ __ ] face

yeah Jason Momoa shows back up

can't believe her after well and I don't

remember exactly where but there was a

point where like she's like remembering

all of these things oh cause she's so

pissed and she's like David was the

biggest [ __ ] Cheapskate ever he used

to make me wash out my plastic Ziplocs

Ziploc bags and like reuse them this

[ __ ] had a hundred million

dollars and she's like this [ __ ]

always used to [ __ ] me with socks on

because his feet were always cold and he

would fold his clothes before putting

them in the dirty clothes

psychopath and at one point she like

sets to cage like do you fold your

clothes before putting them in like the

the hamper the dirty clothes hamper and

he's like

who the hell would do that and he's like

I'm Yours

what a low bar Honey raise it I think

that's what we've seen a lot of in this

book her standards are question able

very questionable yeah um

I was just thinking about that

um

I mean

we can do green lights

because a whole

shotguns

you could do Jason momoa's yes Jason

momoa's that's what we should do

we could do hair brushes no

um yeah you know

how tall is Jason Momoa I don't know

let me Google it

because I mean Vance is going to be

faster than me

dance what you got

Bueller

we are six foot four thank you

okay so he's six four

um

I don't know how many momoas would you

rate it

girl I don't know well from what you

heard I didn't actually read it

um

I don't know like a two out of six

Jason's

two out of five jasons maybe

he was very tall

what is that

in my head it makes a difference it's

very tall like I feel like there's a

difference between reading something to

Jason momoa's versus writing something

to Peter dinklage's

how many spankings oh that was my

husband's recommendation yeah how many

spankings would you give it Chelsea

how many were in the book I'd say like

20 were counted in the book so out of

the 20 counted I would give it

eight

okay eight out of 20 spankings that's

four out of ten yep thank you I was

about to thank you

um yeah four out of ten which would also

be just under

like three out of five

nope two that would be two out of five

so yeah I would be comfortable with two

out of five I could get on board with

two out of five spankings I think two

out of five spankings

eight out of eight out of 20 spankings

um yeah

that feels appropriate because fur is

ridiculous as this book was and how

there was plot but there was no plot

there was just a lot of sex it was a

plot sandwich

it end capped with some plot but just

the meat of the sandwich was man meat

foreign I hated everything about the

words that just came out of your mouth

yeah now all I can think about is

Manwich

or not writing it man because we're

staying on something not spanking yeah

like for as ridiculous as it is

it's still kind of a fun read okay I'll

give that to you and I am going to read

Sloans I don't think I'm gonna read this

one because I hearing about it was

enough but I think I'll read Sloans yeah

I mean I think you you got the gist of

this one I yeah I feel comfortable with

that

yeah there's four books in this series

I've read all of them

and they were all enjoyable

were they all winners no but they were

all entertaining so and that's what

matters eight out of 20 spankings final

offer with a paddle brush

um we will accept that yes we will

accept that and you know

um

I I clearly got stuck on some plot

points that didn't matter at all in this

book and are there any that did

no

yeah you know I mean

maybe you did get caught on the right

ones

um yeah so eight out of 2020 let us know

what you guys think and what plot points

you think

were prominent were there any that is

that is the debate let us know what you

think because frankly I am concerned

about Nat's General

well-being safety mental state if this

is the life choices that she's choosing

to make so let us know your thoughts she

hadn't made any life choices in five

years and it felt like she really

overcompensated

she she was coming in hot and made some

wrong turns but I guess it worked out

for her technically so uh yeah he's

gonna get a reverse vasectomy and

they're gonna get married and live

happily ever after what more do you need

oh a lot more

so much more but okay let us know your

thoughts we hope you have a wonderful

rest your day smut [ __ ] see you later

smut puppies bye

well that's it for this week's mud [ __ ]

we hope it was good for you cause it

sure was great for us if you're digging

what we're doing it would mean a lot if

you'd take a minute to rate and review

the show wherever you're listening right

now

baby tell that sexy someone to Linda

senir

we love you we appreciate you

we'll see you next week

stay spotty

[Music]