Smut Club

foreign

[Music]

ladies and gentlemen

Guys and Dolls and everyone in between

gather round

something real nice to sip on and comfy

to slip on

cause it's time for smut Club

here's your hosts Chelsea and Anna

hey everybody Welcome to smut club I'm

Hannah and I'm Chelsea how are you today

we want to know we too we're curious how

are you yeah just you know we never hear

from you

[Laughter]

we do we do sometimes hear from you and

honestly it's our favorite thing when we

hear from you

and that's how we found this book yes

that is actually how we found the book

that we are reviewing today it's called

under her Authority by LT shade

um

we're just gonna jump in so this one

you're taking the lead and you're the

one who read it yeah you take the lead

you'll have to tell me after if you also

want to read it or if me reading it was

enough for both of us

um just based on that don't make any

decisions okay okay okay no no no you

you don't know yet okay okay okay I mean

I think I know exactly how you're gonna

vote but just don't be judgy you haven't

even heard the review I'm pumping a

break I was judging based on your

judgingness but I will pump the brakes

all right when I was in grad school

um there was like a

a family Fall Festival

and they asked him asked me to be a

judge for the children's costume contest

oh no and I went absolutely I love

judging people

and they thought I was joking and I'm

like no this is really where I thrive

and that's that's some [ __ ] for me to

process through in therapy because

like my mother has straight up said

she's like yes I'm critical it's my

thing so like

I know where I get it from and sometimes

it can be a plus and sometimes my

husband's like

you need to take a deep breath because

everything is fine and you notice all of

the tiny details and everything

um

so yeah the my Baseline is probably

judgier than the average person I would

say

and I'd say we're working through it but

if you can't fix it feature it and

that's why we have a podcast

yes okay so we have the book under her

Authority we open with rose rose she is

young she is super successful she's been

working in Texas for the last several

years um and her fiance Simon

cheated on her with a co-worker

ouch yes so

um things did not end well with her

co-worker or his co-worker her co-worker

yeah

um

things did not end well at her last job

kind of because of how this all blew up

and so she has taken a job as a

marketing director at a startup back in

Charlotte and she's from just outside of

Charlotte North Carolina but she hasn't

been back in eight years

um which more will unfold there but

she's also kind of like yeah I mean like

I have this marketing director title

which is awesome for how young I am and

like maybe I can leverage that for

something else and she's like but it's

at a startup so it kind of feels like it

means less than if it was

is somewhere more established

um and you know I think it depends on

the startup but

she is flying back to North Carolina for

this job like it's not like she left

Texas with things like not going well

but it's not I wouldn't say she left

like disgraced right maybe that's just

me

um we need Rose's Family

there's just like there's so many

Southern stereotypes

um and a lot of like

so many similes and like so many like

I don't know just like you and I have

grown up in the South Hannah and just

like all of those that you're like do

people actually say this [ __ ] or is that

just like how people speak when they

think of someone in the South yeah we

had to a grasshopper and like [ __ ] like

that and you're like right right okay

more nervous than a cat in a room full

of rocking chairs that kind of [ __ ] yeah

jumpier than a virgin at the Prison

Rodeo what

I think that one was from Golden Girls I

was gonna say I haven't I don't recall

that one but

that does sound like Blanche

I I mean I have heard people say [ __ ]

like sweating like a [ __ ] in church yes

definitely I've heard people say that

I told my husband that I think I want my

next tattoo to be a Golden Girls

themed tattoo I thought you were gonna

say something about a [ __ ] in church

and I was like whoa

I was about to make such a mean joke I

was like oh just a picture of your face

and then I was like holy [ __ ] Chelsea

but I felt like you'd appreciate it

I did appreciate it

oh my God

that's amazing

see this is where my judging is it's a

problem it's not a problem I'm crying

but like tears of laughing yes tears of

laughter that was [ __ ] awesome

oh my God okay so you should totally get

a tattoo on my face you should get the

guy who did stevos to do it for you

on um

the on season I think 13 of Ink Master

there was an episode where they could

tattoo anything they wanted and one of

the guys was like I'm gonna tattoo Jimmy

snazz one of the other contestants on

The Show Who's like always wearing these

like funky patterned bell bottom pants

and these like leather tasseled vests

Jimmy snazz has a very specific energy

about him but they were like he's like

yeah I'm doing a Jimmy snez Gremlin

tattoo what something crazy like that

and I was like

I appreciate that they said you could

tattoo anything you want and this man

said challenge [ __ ] accepted like I

will I will yes so we meet Rose's Family

got it very stereotypical Southern very

stereotypical Southern

um she doesn't tell them that things

have ended with her fiance because she's

really embarrassed and so she's just

kind of like

oh yeah I moved back because it's a

great job opportunity and like we're

working things out and like like but

like it doesn't say a word to anyone

um and then we meet her best friend

Olive as well

that is my dog playing with my cat

um

thanks Brandon thanks Brandon and Craig

also for y'all who will have to post a

picture at some point on social media of

our of my pets so that you have some

context

Craig is a six pound

predominantly hairless Devon Rex cat

like he's not

threatening no she's precious he's

precious he likes to perch on my

shoulder and meetings he's like a little

parrot and Brandon is like a 30 pound

pug and

the way Brandon runs from Craig you're

like bro

like I think the problem is Brandon will

like swat at Craig

um and he's just kind of like flailing

when he does it and Craig

has fewer hits but far more accuracy

that makes sense yeah he has a larger

Target in fairness you know that is also

true he does have a larger Target

um

but no like Craig Will likes it like if

like on a couch and if Brandon is

walking Underneath Him He will just like

to the top of his head and then

Brandon's like what happened I don't

what oh Brandon we love Brandon he's we

do such a derp

um so yes we also meet Rose's best

friend Olive

um who's going to be her new roommate

and all of this flirting with Rose's

twin brother Holton

um who's also like a local police

officer

but like it's kind of weird for Rose

because she's like I haven't seen a lot

of them in person for eight years if

they didn't come visit me in Texas

because she has some trauma related to

North Carolina

um

so that night Olive and Rose are like we

gonna go out we gonna have a blast

Oliver's like I bought you this sexy ass

outfit put it on they get ready and they

go out

plan to get laid like that is the

objective

I'm like you know

you're not bullshitting yourself yeah we

know what we're doing here yes

so they go out to this club they're

separated I don't really know what

happens or how they get separated

um but Rose goes up to the bar to get a

drink there's this dude Devin who offers

to buy her one and she's like okay yeah

sure but every time she checks her phone

Simon her ex-fiance keeps calling

and so she's like [ __ ] I guess I like

she just called like five times in a row

I guess I should take this so she tries

to go find a private place to like take

this phone call and enters a private

room that has like a no entry sign so

she goes in this room that has like a do

not enter sign on it or some [ __ ] like

that and walks in on a super hot dude

getting a [ __ ] from a girl girl that

I think might have a blindfold on I

don't remember

it doesn't matter it doesn't really

matter

um she's just standing there then like

watching this scene that she walked in

nice and she's like

he is hot and this is hot and I am

aroused

um

and I like her phone rings again or

something like she makes eye contact

like the dude like is very aware of her

in the room but then the the girl who's

giving him the [ __ ] is like what was

that he's like oh just my phone don't

worry about it

and so then she like takes off

yeah like he sees her but she escapes

um she gets back to the bar feeling

aroused kisses Devin

okay yeah and then but she's like I'd

feel bad sleeping with him since I'd be

thinking of [ __ ] man that's what I'm

calling him because we don't know his

name we just know he's hot and was

getting a [ __ ] so she's like

uh I I can't I couldn't sleep with him

I'd feel guilty about it but then we're

like where's Olive Olive left her for a

booty call

ew yeah like Olive's like I don't need

to find me some strange at the club I

have a booty call that I can go hook up

with is that her brother

maybe maybe not honestly at this point I

don't really know the brother does play

in in the future but at this point I'm

like

I don't know nor did I really care fair

enough yeah that's fair yeah um

but

she doesn't know where Olive's car is

downtown like Olive's like yeah I left

for this booty call take my car I don't

know something like that

there might be details that clarify this

there might not be

um is this user error or is this author

error who can say a little bit of both

um

yeah so she's like I don't know where

her car is and I'm just in like [ __ ]

downtown Charlotte in my little hoochie

mama dress like

yeah downtown Charlotte's not really the

the nicest area last time I was there it

wasn't the safest yeah I'm like I feel

like people are like it's North Carolina

how bad can it be pretty [ __ ] bad

guys yeah I'm like

there's a lot of places that I'm just

honestly most places at night if I don't

know where I am it's a no yeah it's just

not my thing

um so then

hot [ __ ] guy shows up Suddenly and

like sees her wandering I don't whatever

and he's like hey why don't you come to

this bar with me and and she's and then

he's like you're buying his payment for

this show I gave you earlier like

something like baby boy you didn't give

me a show the girl on her knees gave me

a show you were just present

you participated you just stood there

like yes

um but like rose won't tell him her name

and she's like yeah that's not important

you don't need to know this

so they get to the bar and

um [ __ ] man's cousin owns it okay

um and he teaches her how to play eight

ball

I don't know it's like every stereotype

of a man teaching a woman how to play

pool pressing up on her back and yeah

all the innuendos putting her hips oh

yeah all of the building tension all of

the

sliding it into the hole

I don't know

um and she keeps saying like I'm not

gonna sleep with you like this isn't

going anywhere

um but then as they're talking he's

realizing like they have a lot in common

they both work in Creative Marketing and

he's like

no this girl's like super hot and I'm

into her like I know it kind of started

weird but like I think I kind of like

her

um he doesn't tell her his job like his

full job he just kind of says he works

in like the creative industry as well

um but we do learn he's former military

we also learn he's been burned by like a

previous romantic relationship which is

why he just like tends to sleep around

at this point so he can't be hurt again

we're covering a lot of ground here I

feel

that's a lot of information to share I

think well I don't actually know if the

previous relationship thing was

mentioned or that was just like in his

thoughts but we do you do learn like

they have a conversation about him being

former military so if I'm remembering

correctly she like asks about one of his

tattoos

and it was related to a dude that he'd

served overseas with got it um

they end up closing down the bar

together and he helps her find her car

um and then

it asked because this entire time she's

like yeah I'm not gonna sleep with you

I'm not gonna sleep with you and I wanna

I'm gonna flirt and have all these

in your Endo jokes

the cool game but like

so but it goes from like not gonna sleep

with you not gonna sleep with you he

helps her find her car

they end up owning back at his place

nice

um have this like incredible

mind-blowing sex she has four orgasms

get out it

yeah I do love whenever but like when

you're just like I'm like really

really

yeah

I feel like when you pick up strange at

a bar that the chances of it just like

hitting off like that are pretty slim

unless we're having a lot of

communication

well

um I was watching The Tick Tock recently

of like a couple of comedians talking

and

one of them was like yeah like I mean I

can count like

on with my with my hands the number of

times I've gotten a woman off

and the other dude was like what are you

talking like every time and they're like

wait every time and he's like I mean

like not with a hookup but like with the

person that I'm like in a committed

relationship with that I'm married to

like

yes their pleasure matters and then

other guys were like wow

huh Jesus Christ yeah and I was like I

can't tell if you're joking right now

and I'm terrified you're not and I do

think that's one of the hilarious things

about smut is I'm like

there's there's so many orgasms that

just like right you're like

is

I I guess that's why we read it right to

escape to hope that one day we too can

have that many well I mean I guess but

like

it's also just that they don't know each

other like I would believe it more yes

if it was an established relationship

and they knew each other and could

communicate and knew what the other

person liked but otherwise it's like

[ __ ] like no she didn't

no she didn't

it reminds me of you remember

um

How I Met Your Mother the show yeah

um there was that one episode where I

don't remember the context at all but

whatever her name is Lily was like

yeah don't worry about it College Lily

thought those were orgasms like

yeah I remember like that's what I think

of I'm like oh she thought

no that's super valid because that like

I'm like I don't know I feel like until

you end up like in an established

relationship it's always a even if it's

good it's still like a little clumsy

yeah like it's never gonna be like the

best sex of your life no it's with a

one-night stand we're still learning

each other we don't know what the other

person likes and like what they don't

and and yeah like you don't know

so she came four times

yeah so hypothetically wink wink she had

four orgasms

um he wakes up the next morning and

she's gone she left a note that just

said like I had a good time oh he also

like he was calling her PT for peeping

Tom because she never told her her name

so like she may have signed it like had

a good time PT or something like that

um and he's like what no like I really

liked her and I can't believe she left

like this like what the [ __ ] and then

he's like wait is this how women feel

when I do this

yes dumbass yes it is and while he still

doesn't know her name he decides he's

going to track her down because he's

like no I like her I want this I want

her

I want more opportunities and how are we

doing that

well that's the end of the book so who

can say stop I'm totally kidding

um I'm gonna be like well it was enough

Ella

and see the next morning so Rose

actually had to get up early because the

next morning her brother was coming over

before his shift to help her move in all

of her stuff

um so she gets home

she clearly looks like she had fun she

then is in the shower masturbating

thinking about how fun

last night was the four orgasms weren't

enough this is more evidence to my

theory

she thought they were orgasming exactly

um but like while her brothers helping

her move she starts to have like this

like flashbacky moment about the fact

that she like hadn't been back in eight

years

um and we learned that like there's some

sort of trauma stemming from a camp that

she used to go to

um when the dude is now Behind Bars we

don't know all of the details but like

you can kind of start to assume there's

like like a sexual assault or something

of that capacity but like it's not like

fully fleshed out for you at this point

got it

um

but like

her brother and best friend are like

very sensitive to the fact that like

they like see that she's like going into

a slightly darker space and they're well

because she's like looking at her

brother and

I think she's like mid-20s right like

mid to late 20s I don't fully remember

but I'm like okay well if you haven't

been back in eight years like if you

left when you were 18 to go to college

somewhere else

yeah and so her brother I mean that's a

lot of life that your twin has led right

where you're like oh man like I haven't

been here for it I've missed a lot of so

but like I haven't been back because of

all of this stuff and it was too hard

for me and blah blah blah

um

so after that Rose ends up going to

brunch with her friends

honestly her it just felt like some 13

year old girls giggling over some boys

like I was like what

I don't I don't know I love a good day

drinking brunch as much as the next toe

sure but like

is that what all of us sound like and we

just don't realize it I like to think

we're slightly better well I don't know

what do they sound like

like I literally just put they all sound

like they're 13 and annoying

um I mean I don't think that we sound

like that but other people may have

differing opinions

yeah well so her phone rings and it's

Devin from the bar last night calling to

ask her out for dinner that night

um but like when he calls and she

answers because she's like telling her

friends like about like they were like

either she told them or like Olive her

friends know she got laid and they're

like oh like how big was his dick and so

when she picks up the phone her friends

are like cat calling and shouting in the

background like is that big dick from

last night

yeah and I'm like no the answer is no

we're not like that

like that is not us thank you for the

validation no

um

and so she's like what not so like she's

trying to get up and like not be on the

phone in front of them and suddenly his

oh his name is Shane big dick from last

night his name is Shane

Shane is suddenly at the restaurant

uh and awkward well he's like

she's well and she's kind of like how

did you find me and he's like do you not

like the club is like a block like my

cousin's bar is like right there like do

you not recognize that you were in the

same part of town and she's like I don't

know I just moved here I have no [ __ ]

clue and he was driving past on his way

to go hang out with his cousin and like

saw her on the patio and was like it's

fate so he stops

um right

and well there's no there's no stalker

in this one that's uh that's fair I can

appreciate that um I can appreciate the

lack of a stalker although as we

discussed in our previous episode I

don't know that he earns points because

he's not a stalker

you know hmm

if they were actual orgasms and he

showed up

I don't know does that change it

Maybe

well so he essentially is like yeah I

drove past and saw you on the patio and

like had to stop because you snuck out

and I didn't get your name or your

number or anything

um and so he's like come out to my car

so we can talk so they go out to his car

he fingers her

but like takes her underwear

and then it's like you'll get these back

tonight when we go out

and then my notes also say the word

labia is used twice

technically the word labia ends up

getting used like three or four times

and I gotta say it's a boner killer

like there's nothing sexual to me about

the word labia being you like I'm like

there's nothing erratic arousing about

it I'm like

foreign if anything

it automatically douses whatever

bouncing energy fire was building is

dead now so Smokey the Bear has done his

job he doesn't need to be concerned

about a forest fire Smokey the Bear is

just going around Whispering labia

yep

you nailed it yep the new only you can

prevent forest fires

campaign

well and so like rose is like I didn't

move back to my friends I I came back to

like Salvage my career I don't want to

like be like she's like I don't want

this to be a thing with this dude like

I'm I'm not gonna see Shane anymore

so she has agreed to this date with

Devin but then Shane also thinks that

they have a date that night and Rose is

like

I'm not gonna do this for my own mental

health and well-being

no which also further Evidence they

weren't real orgasms

so she said no to Devin or she agreed to

the date she agreed to the date with

Devin and then when Shane was done

fingering her and took her underwear

he's like you'll get these back at our

date tonight

so did she agree to go out with him I

honestly don't remember but in her heart

she didn't I don't know what her words

she said yeah she's like those are not

my favorite underwear thank you and good

night

those were the laundry day I moved this

morning underwear

um we all have those right we really do

am I wearing mine now I was gonna say I

may be wearing mine now actually

um

as she's getting ready for her date with

Devin all of is like really pressuring

her about Shane because she's like what

aren't you into like he seems really

nice he seems sweet you had great sexual

chemistry also apparently

she's

as her doctorate in Sex Therapy I don't

know if that was the actual title maybe

it was like she has her doctorate in

Clinical Psychology and she's a sex

therapist

all of his yeah like her best friend but

I was like in a way that I'm like

as someone who works in the Indigenous

she actually because I don't feel like

she is was kind of how I felt reading it

yeah

um

but as Olive as like kind of putting

this pressure on her about being like

okay but like why don't you want to like

go out with Shane because all these

things seemed great it's like bringing

up some [ __ ] from her assault trauma and

she's just kind of struggling and

um Rose doubles down on like not seeing

Shane again so we cut to Shane Rose has

not communicated this wishing she just

stands Shayna at the restaurant yeah and

he is

to use your wording big mad about it he

is real unhappy

um and he's like is this karma from all

of my man whoring kind of like energy

um I mean probably kiddo well unlike he

like stays there for an hour and he's

like no one makes a fool of me and then

as he's leaving like the hostess

propositions him

and he takes her up on it good for him

you know

she left without he still doesn't know

her name at this point he still does not

know that her name is Rose

yeah

okay kiddo yeah like maybe you shouldn't

be that mad she didn't even give you her

[ __ ] name like how could you expect

that she's gonna show up yeah I'm like

you don't have her name

I don't think you have her number

maybe you have her number and it's under

peeping Tom I don't [ __ ] know but

like

she's clearly trying to put out a vibe

that like yeah she's not into it yeah

although I think she is into it and

she's just like

standing in her own way from her

previous experiences

well I mean she can be into it

physically and not be into it mentally

and emotionally yes very valid

um but I think she may be into mentally

and emotionally as well

maybe maybe not who can say so it's now

roses it's Monday it's Rose's first day

of work we learn her date with Devin was

a disaster he like tried to feel her up

under the table was hitting on the

waitress just like

she's like yeah you know I'm just gonna

focus on work like I'm not I'm gonna

avoid men just gonna focus on work

and

um she's getting a tour of the building

and they're like here's your office

um like it's they wanted to surprise you

with it like whoever's giving the tour

is like oh yeah your office was supposed

to be this nice reveal because they like

made it nice for you or whatever it's

like don't tell anyone I'm like showed

you your office first or what I don't

totally remember

um but she's like in her office filling

out paperwork but no one knows she's

there outside of the person who gave her

this to her

and

as she's sitting there and her like

doors crack she overhears her new boss

talking to an unknown co-worker

the new co-worker is like when the

bosses you just hear him kind of like oh

like

like you hear something about the

unknown co-worker hooking up with

someone last night

um

and

I don't know it's all a little fuzzy

um

and then they start talking about Rose

as the new co-worker

um and then the boss is like yeah she's

the marketing director

um and the unknown co-workers boss

um and the unknown co-worker is like

what the [ __ ] like

I'm not gonna like report to some chick

with big tits because she punched

someone at her last job like no like I'm

just kind of making these comments and

like there's like a lot of like sexist

pushback things like she's my boss and

title only

yeah the line was I'm not gonna work

under some crazy chick who punches her

employees when she has bad cramps

nice yeah and she's just like sitting

there listening to all of this oh

um and she's like

I that's not what happened that's not

the context but apparently everyone here

already knows like I'm just I want to

salvage my career and her new boss

totally vouches for and is like that's

not what happened don't be a dick don't

say that

um and you don't have to like the

decision but you do have to deal with it

and she is your new boss so

suck it yeah suck it

um so then Rose goes to the conference

room to meet the executive team and

surprise the unknown co-worker who was

like saying like I don't want to work

for some chick who had bad cramps is

Shane oh what no one's not coming no oh

my oh my stars and so like Shane is like

oh my gosh and Rose just straight up

pretends she's never met him

I love that for her yeah she just like

during the introductions she's just like

oh no we've never met my name is Rose or

like

her full name is like Rosemary

or something like that and she's like

it's I go by Rose like some and he's

like I finally know her name

too bad you're a douche

a little a little bit

but do two is actually super into her so

he is oh well then it's okay he's

working through his own [ __ ] they both

have [ __ ] that they're working all right

all right

I will trust you

Hannah you work out a residential

treatment center and your husband

thought you were a patient the first day

he did yeah he did oh memories memories

love six years ago things can Prevail

they can yes but he wasn't a sexist

douchebag

he just you right he saw a random girl

walking and assumed she was a patient

because she didn't have an employee

badge

did you have purple hair then no okay I

have purple hair now I have purple hair

now

hey there's my puppies

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thank you

well yeah and honestly like I'm

when I read that and I was like if I

read that I wouldn't like Shane either

no like not cool not okay

um does he end up kind of redeeming

himself sure but like

made it a rocky start we also learn

um

a little bit further on that like

well she has been put in this role of

Shane's boss

Shane is like a co-founder of the

company

what like he like put in a bunch of

funds and like started but like they

were like no we need her for like

whatever so

like yeah it didn't fully make sense to

me if I'm being honest but it was one of

those where I was like you know I'd feel

a little salty if I was the co-founder

of a company and then someone was like

this girl's your new boss

and I'm like what like

I don't know it doesn't excuse the

douche comments right

um but it makes more sense why he's not

yes but more open to having a boss yes

so there's a little bit more context to

it um Shane is then in a meeting and

he's just like super distracted because

he's like I finally know her name and so

he goes to Rose's office and like

excuses himself from this meeting that

he's distracted and really like not

helpful at all

um things start to escalate he like

pushes her up on her desk and like

pushes her like back down like on her

back on her desk and like things are

like starting to get sexual and then her

boss knocks on the door and calls a

meeting

um and so she's like yeah I'll be right

there and then Shane's phone rings a

minute later because it's like oh now

his lunch and he's like oh yeah no I was

at lunch I'll be right up

um for the same meeting that they are

now going to which word yes

um and so then in this meeting there's

this really big pitch that they're doing

soon for this like huge client that

would like be a huge win for the company

and Rose starts piss like pitching it or

what she wants to do and Shane just like

is like shutting it down and like you

know like kind of think he's just like

being an [ __ ]

um and

then he's she's kind of like I mean like

what do you know and then you find out

he used to work for the other company so

he actually did have knowledge and he's

like no like that won't work that won't

be late like they want more and she's

like well I've been doing research and

blah blah blah and he's like well I

worked for him so let me tell you it's

not gonna be enough

um but they have five months to work on

this pitch for this presentation that is

a long time to be working on a pitch

I think

I felt that way I've never pitched a

project of that size though me either

Vance you're sitting in the room is five

months a long time to work on a project

pitch it's just the pitch not the

project itself

okay long but not totally implausible

God it sounds like my prom night hey yo

got it so a major major project which

that

sounds like it is supposed to be

um

but

Rose is also like if I can nail this

pitch

then I can leverage it and I can leave

this company like it I just came here to

kind of Salvage my career

so Flash Forward it's now like four

weeks later Shane is real sexually

frustrated like he's real into her he's

seemingly keeping his dick in his pants

since he boned the hostess the night

that roasted him up

um and he's real frustrated and he's at

his like at his cousin's bar for like

two hours in the middle of the work day

just like playing pool very like

frustratedly is that

a word I don't know but I'll give it to

you

okay in a frustrated manner yes he was

playing pool in a fresh and a sexually

frustrated manner

how does never mind I was gonna say like

how does one play pool in a sexually

frustrated manner but I think I answered

my own question in my mind as I was

asking it so I'm good well I also if I'm

remembering correctly like

his cousin like says Rose's name and

Shane's like how did you what and he's

like you've been mumbling under your

breath for two hours dude like

wait we we see you're frustrated

um and like rose calls him and is like

you need to get back to work like where

the hell are you and so he's like oh

fine like my boss is calling me so when

he gets back to the office they're like

where's Rose and they're like oh yeah

she left like 10 minutes ago to like go

grab lunch or something so she wasn't

even there when he got back

um that makes me like rose even more if

I'm honest well so then

Shane is like I want to rile her up and

get a reaction out of her so he takes

her panties that he still has and hangs

them on her office door on the outside

the outside of her office door oh my God

yeah so then Rose when she gets back to

the office is all kinds of pissed and

goes to his office to confront him

um they almost kiss and then her phone

rings and like breaks the spell

um and if I'm I think it was like Olive

saying that like she needed to get back

to the house or something so like rose

gets home

and all of his like yeah we I was trying

to call you several times Simon is here

like you're

ex-fiance that your family thinks you're

still with is here he's out at your

family's place we need to go oh no yes

so they drive out to her family's place

and it's honestly weird to me because

Simon's not there to get her back

Simon what is he doing checking on her

because he hasn't heard from her at all

um but like he says some like shitty

things because he's upset that he hasn't

heard from her and that he still cares

for her even though they broke up but

like kind of like

like he said something that was like

like I haven't loved you since like the

second time we [ __ ] or like something

like that we're like he was essentially

saying she was always pretty checked out

of the relationship so like what

relationship was it

um like the way he said it and just like

communicated it was shitty but I'm also

like Texas to North Carolina is a really

long what like I'm like you're not

trying to just to check on her right

because she wasn't answering her phone I

mean and if he knows her family to be

able to to go out there to their home

why wouldn't you just like text her

brother or call her dad like why go all

the way out there physically yeah

so he starts saying some shitty things

Colton her twin just goes up punches

Simon straight in the face good for him

um but then like Holton is really pissed

that

Rose didn't tell him that her and Simon

broke up

um and then he like makes a comment

about like he's like we like we all get

that you needed to leave after your

assault but like

like we still want to be a part of your

life kind of like confrontation

um but we learn

in this exchange that she was assaulted

by like they said a guidance counselor

but it was also like a camp counselor

and I was like I never got a guidance

camp counselor or a camp guidance

counselor well I find that people often

use the word counselor very

interchangeably

so maybe it was a camp counselor I got

more of the camp counselor energy yeah

because they kept saying like Camp until

they said guidance counselor and I'm

like wait what who

um so she was assaulted by a camp

counselor guidance guidance camp

counselor

um a camp guidance counselor an

authority figure yes and an authority

figure

um but then when she was at the ER she

lied and said she like didn't remember

who it was

um but within a few months later he

assaulted another girl who didn't

survive

and she died and passed away and so Rose

has all of this guilt that if she had

spoken up and stepped forward that this

other girl would still be alive

so Rose has all of this like

self-imposed pressure and weight that

she's like I need to live for both of us

like I need to live this great life

makeup for that fact

um

like Holton storms off Simon leaves rose

has a breakdown in her mom's arms and

it's like I didn't want to disappoint

you guys and like

because this isn't part of the plan to

live a great life for me and this other

girl yes

um but then Rose goes to like find

Holton and apologize and hears him with

olive like catches them canoodling his

hand is under her skirt something like

that like

and we love a good canoodle we love we

love a good canoodle

um and then Holton tells rose that he is

in love with olive and he has been for

like a long time and like they had been

seeing each other then Olive had gone to

like visit Rose in Texas or something

like that and then came back and like

called it off like I can't do this like

I can't lie to like something of that

capacity so then Rose is pissed that he

lied because she's like you just got on

me for telling you for not telling you

my fiance and I broke up but then like

you've been in love with my best friend

and like

decided not to tell me yes

um so Rose is super upset and she is

like I need to get the [ __ ] out of here

but olive was the one who drove us out

here and I don't want to get in the car

with olive right now either so she calls

Shane

and is like

can you come get me

does is Uber not a thing

I mean it's pretty like apparent I don't

know I didn't recognize a city name I

don't know if I don't know wherever it

was seemed like it was more rural

like it was like an hour and a half or

like two hours outside of Charlotte okay

so that would have been a big yeah big

Uber but it's also a big thing to ask a

co-worker that you [ __ ] and then blew

off

that you've like had this budding

friendship tent sexual tension yeah

that's a big favor to ask

yes person but okay so she calls him

yeah she calls him

um and Shane like here's how out of sort

she is when she calls us like he like

drops everything to go and pick her up

um

he pulls the car over at her request

um I'm like they start like she starts

like making out with him and Shane is

like

hey

let's put

pause on this

um you were not in a great place

I'm not trying to take advantage of you

like I want to be here for you but like

crying women aren't my thing

I don't know that was my wording not

like it seemed like he was actually

trying to be sweet and genuine and be

like right trying to be a gentleman

about it yes like she's clearly not in a

good space I'm not going to take

advantage of that right um more than

crying I'm not into crying women that's

just me being an [ __ ]

um

so she he's like what do you need and

she's like can I stay in your guest room

for the night like I don't want to go

back to my place because she lives with

olive

um and so he's like yeah absolutely so

she gets back to his place

um she tells him everything like tells

him about her assault tells him about

[ __ ] with Simon tells him about

Colton and Olive being in love with each

other or at least her brother's in love

with her

um that's so much to tell a co-worker

I I think they're trying to get out of

co-worker energy and into romantically

interested energy it still has so much

to tell someone that you're romantically

interested in that you blew off on a

date and [ __ ] once

you're right I'm like I'm concerned

about our emotional boundaries

I'm concerned about more than that

um and then he tells her

about his abuse

um I think his his dad was really

abusive he has some family back down in

Georgia

um and he kind of like made it out but

like he doesn't go like he's close with

his like siblings I think um

they have a pillow fight

like a light-hearted pillow okay

right yeah why wouldn't they what a

segue

um then they kind of they stay up all

night talking

um and she falls asleep in his bed

um and he wakes up to like she's having

like

a like a nightmare nightmares like

flailing crying and so he like sues her

back to sleep

um but then like he doesn't go back to

sleep until like the sun is creeping up

because he's like is trying to make sure

that she's okay

um well that's nice right

so the next morning Rose wakes up

they're all cuddled up

um

she starts like fondling his chest a

little bit while they're like cuddled up

so they didn't bang that night no okay

okay they just like just the pillow

fight and they had like an emotional

breakthrough talk

um learned a lot more about each other

stayed up all night talking and just

like fell asleep talking

yeah and had a pillow fight important

um she's fondling his chest the next

morning I put he wakes up and keeps the

sensual cuddle Vibes going

so we're just continuing to fill each

other up a little bit yeah

um but then once again I think he's like

yesterday was a lot so he kind of

suddenly pulls back and he's like let's

get you ready to have breakfast with

your brother like I think he's trying to

be a gentleman but like she's kind of

confused by she's like wait what okay

um so Shane drops her off for breakfast

meets her brother kisses her forehead

goodbye is just like

being a stand-up dude why did you make

that face that kissing like forehead

kisses are cute I'm getting they are but

like

I could see how she would be like oh

I told him about all this trauma and

stuff and then he kissed my forehead and

like stopped me from the sensual cuddle

sash like

oh like he's not into me because I'm too

much well he also kissed her like he met

her brother and was like it was in front

of her brother that he like oh it was in

front of her but he met her brother then

like kissed her forehead as he was like

leaving okay I got it I got it I missed

that bit I was like oh but no in front

of her brother that's cute I was like

why do you look I'm like oh like I was

like what did I miss and then I'm like

wait I'm the one who read the book

you are and thank you for explaining

that to me further I appreciate it

anytime

um so she has breakfast with Holton they

kind of clear the air he asks for her

blessing with olive

um because he's like Olive won't

Olive won't say yes to dating me if like

she thinks it could be a wedge between

y'all so like I really love her I've

loved her for a long time

what can we work out here right kind of

yeah

so

um now it's been several months that

have gone by they are still working on

this really big pitch

um we also learned that the guy that

they are doing this really big pitch to

who used to work with Shane recently had

very public issues with his partner

um who co-owns the company or something

of that capacity go business partner and

romantic Partners yes but it will also

kind of impact how the pitches are

judged

um because it's going to change who's on

the panel for the pitches got it um

while they're working on the pitch Shane

gets Rose to take a break

and there he like he's very outdoorsy

and they have like a ton of space and

their office warehouse space whatever so

he like

teach it reminds slash re-teaches her

how to ride a bike I know everyone's

like it's like riding a bike but I'm

like this [ __ ] needed some reminders so

fun fact do you know how to ride a bike

I don't so I don't want to ride bike the

look on my husband's face right now I

just like looked over and he's like go

on he said just like Snapped up so I

just never learned I never learned how

to ride a bike

um my mom fell on a bike with my older

sister when my older sister was an

infant she had her like in one of those

little carrier things and fell

and after that refused to ride and then

my dad's work schedule was really weird

um he worked in entertainment and so he

wasn't around a ton

during the day or on the weekends and so

I just never learned my mom refused to

teach me my dad wasn't around so like

I never learned so

my cousin

started dating this guy I am one of the

youngest of all of the cousins

um so most of them are significantly

older than me my dad is the youngest of

five okay

um significantly and then had kids a lot

later than them anyway so

um one of them brought home a guy

um super super sweet guy and he found

out when I was 15 on our family reunion

vacation

um that I I didn't know how to ride a

bike so he rented a bike specifically to

teach me like he was so distraught that

I didn't know how to ride a bike he made

a point of teaching me how

so he did he taught me on the beach when

I was 15 how to ride a bike so I could

go on a straight line and I was at the

beach at my family reunion this past

weekend and I was talking to my cousin

and she was like do you remember that

time that my husband taught you how to

ride a bike like that was when I knew

that I was going to marry him I was also

like oh they ended up together I love

them they did they did it that is a that

is a sweet like oh I knew it was when he

was like went above and beyond I'm

pretty sure that was the trip that he

proposed to her on as well

um I think I mean you're gonna make a

great impression of the family unless

you break a bone

right you know but regardless he was

very very sweet taught me how to ride

and she was like do you remember that

like literally this was like

six days ago she was like do you

remember that I was like I do remember

that I have never gotten on a bike since

then please don't tell Paul that

like please don't tell him please don't

tell him and she was like I would never

please also don't tell him and I was

like deal she was like you did such a

good job though going in a straight line

I was like I did and when I tried to

turn I almost died but I didn't tell

Paul that and so

I don't I don't know that was like

16 years ago potentially a few more do

you have any interest

in relearning none whatsoever Fair none

whatsoever well I also feel like you're

like it really hasn't impacted my life

at all not in the least I've not missed

out on anything like and you know but

you know

yeah so

I hope Paul doesn't listen to this

shout out to Paul honestly I really my

favorite part of this story is that like

Paul ended up marrying into the family

and that it was like and he was really

sweet I was like yeah I think was I a

flower girl I don't remember you would

have been an older flower girl I don't

remember

no they were younger

or I was younger when they got married I

was younger when they got married

yeah were they married when he taught

you to ride the bike at 15 they must

have been

because I was definitely younger okay

15 feels

a little old to be a flower girl no no

now that I think about it I think they

had been married a long time I was like

I'd go actually

but wait she just told you six days ago

that that was when she knew

I thought that was what she said that's

not what she said

I'm trying to think it doesn't matter

ultimately they did wind up together he

was very sweet to me anyway

he taught me he did teach me how to make

a lot of desserts

he's very nice that's not the point of

any of this so what happened next we

love Paul

honestly I do love Paul I feel like like

most Paws I know kind of have that

energy he's a really good guy yeah yeah

um so Rose is being taught or re-taught

how to like ride a bike whatever and so

she's going around the office just

riding a bike and she's like in the

office

that's what I said it's a big office

okay

it would have to be pretty big but okay

okay

um

I'm so like Shane is like watching her

with like Pride on his face and he's

like clearly still like very into her

but like nothing has happened this whole

time

um and then Malcolm who's like the big

boss walks in

um and Malcolm and Shane are really good

friends Malcolm and Shane and Shane's

cousin who own the bar all hang out like

every weekend

um and so like Malcolm is like watching

Shane watch rose on the bike and he's

like

you have feelings for her like

and Shane's like what

and Malcolm's like

we need her like we like overextended

ourselves financially to be able to

expand the way we wanted and so like if

we don't land this pitch

we are not going to survive so like

don't [ __ ] this up we need her right

keep your drinking your pants

um he said like if they don't land the

pitch they'll likely start running out

of money in the next year

ouch yeah

yeah so then Shane is like really

conflicted over his feelings for her

because like the more he knows her over

these months the more he likes her

um and then he's like hey like will you

go out

um it was like he's like I have a friend

coming in into town

um would you want to go out to lunch or

dinner with us depending um and he's

like it's not a date because I have a

friend in town who's coming with us so

um

is it not still a date well so then Rose

is having this is just like a quick

aside like rose is having a girls night

with olive she drunk dial Shane at like

2 A.M uh oh and blame and like discloses

to him like blames herself for the other

assault victim's death oh no yeah that's

why oh and like Shane's like please find

a good counselor yes please find a good

one that's where my Shane is like he

doesn't say it I think he might say like

have you tried talking to someone or

something but in his head he's like

she needs a therapist because this is a

lot of weight and pressure that she's

putting on herself to leave this to lead

this perfect life because yeah

um

so the friend who comes into town for

the dinner is Matthew Moreno Matthew

Moreno is the millionaire that they are

doing this big pitch too ah yes

which like Shane doesn't like really

give Rose a heads up for it no it's a

shame and Rose is real nervous kind of

bumbling not her best self Shane gets up

to go to the bathroom and then Matthew

starts asking her like hard hitting

questions like he knows about like she

left her company in Texas not on good

terms

um

and I don't know like the whole scene

was like

my notes I felt like this scene was

supposed to make you feel flustered make

you feel how flustered she was but it

just kind of didn't like

like I got what they were going for with

like what was supposed to be like the

hard-hitting questions and making her

feel uncomfortable and like and like

yeah but I just never felt any of that

tension I just kind of felt like rose

get your [ __ ] together right like

um

I don't know like Shane I think like

over here some of the answers like she's

like getting tearful at the table and

talking about how good of a job she

wants like

it it was not her most professional self

to put it away awkward yeah so on the

limo drive home which Matthew just like

ordered for them because he's extra and

has the money to do it it's apparently a

very big limo because

it's just Shane and Rose in the limo and

they decide to play Marco Polo

oh

what like I've been in I've been in some

party limos yeah and

I wouldn't say any of them were large

enough that I could successfully well I

feel like it's not just the size it's

the shape it's just so it also sounds

like my prom night

no okay but also it's the shade it's not

just the size it's the shape of it also

Hannah was doing these like flight

attendant like hand motions for like the

shape of the limo we're going in a

Direction but like there's going in a

Direction but I'm saying like this and

it's not a wide open space they're not

turns to take it's just the one way

okay so I mean if there's seats on both

sides

and the floor in between them and the

back row

you gotta be real stealthy

and I still don't think it would work

well and honestly she was

she wins the first round the second

round she gets oral sex

oh no

so does that mean she won or she lost

was it a real orgasm or a fake one I

believe it was a real so like

well the first round she he was the one

who was Marco Okay in the second round

she was Marco so her eyes were closed

and he was just like

all up on her

so so

okay

it doesn't I don't know what you want

from me

it doesn't matter I'm trying to figure

out who won but it doesn't matter I

I think you're focusing on the wrong

part

that's what she said

where I was reading somewhere where

someone was like yeah

a lot of oral sex for women for women is

like

that not there or there not uh like

they're not that like too and I'm like

you know it's not wrong

well apparently Shane doesn't have that

problem since he gave her for it orgasms

the first night for orgasms

um yeah Hannah was doing air quotes in

case

um so she gets I was gonna say she gets

the [ __ ] because I don't have it I

just call all oral sex a [ __ ] no

matter who gets it he gets a [ __ ] she

gets a [ __ ] everybody gets a blow job

yeah so

she gets a [ __ ] she gets some oral

sex come at me I don't even care she

gets head yeah

um they get back to Shane's house like

place he confesses his feelings for her

she tells him that she feels the same

way there is a long gratuitous sex scene

um the next morning

Rose is still asleep in his bed he

decides he's gonna get up and go on a

run

while he's out on the Run Matthew calls

him and is like

listen from personal experience you

can't mix business with pleasure it was

very obvious you have feelings for this

girl so

she either needs to be off the pitch and

like you guys need to get rid of her or

you you aren't allowed to pitch because

I'm not gonna like chance my company uh

oh yeah

so

Rose wakes up and is like

we like we confessed our feelings

everything's good we belong that's what

I thought when you were like we

I was thinking of Pat Benatar no okay I

I don't there's not a lot of Pat Benatar

in my

and my catalog that benatar's catalog is

missing from my catalog noted and

understood

you said Pat Benatar I thought Joan Jett

and it almost just spit water across my

table

and honestly I get it

they are very different they are they're

scary I didn't say they were similar

Hannah

I

I didn't say they were the same Oh no

you're right and you're right carry on

um

either way I didn't catch the reference

so it wouldn't matter I think my Joan

Jett catalog is only one song Deep

anyway

so

um yeah but she wakes up kind of like

sunshine and roses and she's like hey

let's we're gonna be a thing now so

I think she goes into his kitchen to

make breakfast she's like wearing his

t-shirt and boxers or something like

that

he gets home

um and like it doesn't seem as though

he's planning on like he's conflicted

but it doesn't really seem like he's

planning on telling her because he's

super into her and like wants to make it

work

um but he's like I need to tell you

something but then like they just kind

of start going at it so he's boning her

up against the wall

when suddenly his like front door opens

oh because his cousin and Malcolm the

boss were like and like we didn't hear

from you and we like we hang out every

Saturday morning and we didn't hear from

you so we came over to check

um and he's like trying to cover her and

then Malcolm is like

is that you Rose and like sees her she's

mortified

um awkward yeah honestly I'm not gonna

lie

I I stopped outlining the book at this

point so I'm about to free ball the rest

of this review do it okay do it I

apologize LT shade honestly I apologize

for a lot of this review but

um yeah I'm free balling this last bit

so we're just gonna like she's mortified

um it also is like she's like I can't

show my face and

she um it I think it's disclosed that

like Matt like what Matthew said about

like her needing to be off the case and

so she like is planning on quitting the

job and it's like this whole and she's

super emotional and I don't fully

remember how it plays out but she like

gets Matthew on the phone

but then like once again I'm like girl

no you are not professional because

she's like this is about what happened

in Texas isn't it like you don't want

someone as emotional as me and he's like

what that this is not what was happening

here

um but like once she gets a little less

sloppy and messy to that end she kind of

like

puts him in his place and like gives him

something to think about but she's

taking time away from the office like

Malcolm hasn't fired her

um but then

Shane is also on a leave because he's

like I just need to go clear my head get

some space

um

she finds out I think she like goes to

the office to resign or something like

that and then

girl that can be an email

well she would also have to clear out

her office okay okay fair enough fair

enough maybe we're filling it in we're

freeballing it we have no [ __ ] clue

um so then like they find out that like

Matthew changed his mind they can

ultimately make the pitch because

whatever she said kind of swayed him she

realizes that like she really cares

about Shane that she like wants to be

with him so she goes out to Shane's Lake

House or wherever he was

um and it cuts to Shane and Shane was

kind of like

never planning on letting her go was

just like trying to be respectful and

give her space

um and he's like yeah I mean I knew like

when she like she took the job as a

stepping stone for her career so like

I'm not gonna hold that against her

um but

she means a lot to me she's really

making a difference in her company I

want her to stay

um they she shows up they resolve things

they make the pitch they win the pitch

he proposes

you Matthew and his partner are back

together

the end

okay

yeah I feel confident in how I ended

that book

you sound confident about how you ended

that so

um what's our rating skill here like how

many pitches

[ __ ] are too abstract

how many bicycles how many bicycles

orgasms with quotations

um how many orgasms how many orgasms

eight balls

no because that's a different thing

how many people how many pool tables how

many

let's go how many Marco polos Marco

polos the person or the game

the Explorer

I don't know why but I just had like a

vision of like a superhero with like

their arm out like

with an MP or like Dora the Explorer

that's what we're talking about we're

talking about Marco

um

let's go bicycles okay it feels like the

safest option it does

um

how many bicycles girl I don't know I

didn't read that no I mean like as like

that it can be out of just choose an

arbitrary number

nine

three

oh far

four I mean three is fine with me three

in one unicycle

yeah yeah

um if we're just going with the number

of tires

out of 18. so like seven out of 18 tires

okay we had a situation at work recently

where someone called me and they're like

Chelsea

my client is obsessed with their

ex-boyfriend and slashed 14 of his tires

and I was like girl that math don't work

when I was like how many like the

question to everyone else like how many

cars did he have like did he keep

getting them replaced or did he have was

it three cars and a motorcycle yeah yeah

because if it was three cars on a

motorcycle or if he just kept replacing

tires on the car or did he own two and a

half three and a half cars but also

that's a lot of money to continually

replace tires like that or was it like

were they under warranty at Discount

Tire was there a four-wheeler does the

warranty cover intentional slashings

we could call and ask

I'm not that invested but we're going

with three and one unicycle out of nine

yes

yeah I think

I think seven out of

oh no I have to mess

7 out of 19 tires is that how that works

because if there's nine bicycles and

that's 18 then you have one unicycle

which takes us to 19. so it would be 7

out of 19

tires which would rate that book

I want to do this as a person I feel

like a 30-ish percent yeah 36 point

eight percent I made that up so 37 is

what that's going to round to

um

outside of

the

um

really liberal use of the word labia and

sex scenes how many labias are we

already don't stop

um no labias in our rating

um yeah like I

it's not the worst thing I've ever read

it's well here's my thing and I didn't

read it but

I really struggle with books that make

trauma the central character Arc

of the main female character like I just

get annoyed with that I also feel like

nothing quite hit as hard as it was

supposed to in this book if that makes

sense so we like just missed yeah like

how I kind of described the conversation

with like Matthew where it was like oh

like you're supposed to feel how

flustered she was and I just like

didn't I was just like girl get your

[ __ ] together you want to be this bad

this bad boss [ __ ] and you're just like

a crying mess

like

I don't know that's kind of how I felt

about like all of it just felt like it

like almost didn't quite get there for

me

um right and I think if it did like if a

couple things hit a little harder I may

have enjoyed it more but I think it just

like

it was just a little too far off the

mark for me right

well and I also it seems like

based on what you described Shane was

not all that likable

I found him in like outside of the I

think that also felt weird right because

like he made those like sexist

chauvinistic comments like it felt like

his Arc was supposed to be this like

reformed bad boy when he found this girl

that he was like actually really into

but then like I feel like the way it

came off was just like

he was like super douchey and then we

just kind of stopped paying attention to

the douchiness and then like like oh but

he has these other qualities too because

I'm like yeah it's not either or it can

be both and right you can have really

douchey moments and have these at like I

don't know I feel like that was another

like his art kind of missed for me

because you're like yeah he was set up

to be this like Playboy douche and it

just never really felt

like I think the it was supposed to be

redeemed

when he went and picked her up and they

had their like big heart to heart and he

like right wasn't taking advantage of

her when she was in an emotionally

vulnerable space but like

right again so we're giving someone

credit for being a decent human being

it's like

yeah yeah no I feel you I feel you so

three and a half

out of nine yeah I feel good about that

that's our final offer what are y'all's

thoughts read it for yourself decide and

report back you don't have to go with

our rating scale because honestly a lot

of the times I can't do the math for our

rating skills so much like we've said

before this is very much

um Whose Line Is It Anyway

the rules are made up and the points

don't matter so you tell us what you

think and what your thoughts are maybe

we will adjust our opinions but we

appreciate you going on this journey

with us and my favorite line ever of

the rules were made up and the points

don't matter just like the other guy in

wham

um still to this day my favorite quote

from Whose Line Is It Anyway I was like

that joke is so hard

ouch

so on that note go listen to Wham I was

gonna say go listen to some Wham and hit

us up next time thanks y'all have a good

day [ __ ] puppies bye

well that's it for this week's mud [ __ ]

we hope it was good for you cause it

sure was great for us if you're digging

what we're doing it would mean a lot if

you'd take a minute to rate and review

the show wherever you're listening right

now

maybe tell that sexy someone to Linda

senir

we love you we appreciate you

we'll see you next week

stay spotty

[Music]