Smut Club

well

hello all you beautiful people

you know what time it is

[Music]

ladies and gents

guys and dolls and everyone in between

gather round

get you something real nice to sip on

and comfy to slip on

because it's time

for smut club

here's your hosts chelsea and hannah

[Applause]

[Music]

hey everybody welcome to spot club i'm

hannah

and i'm chelsea

welcome here we're glad you're here

i know

how's your day going

what

okay i don't you know i thought i you

missed 100 of the shots you don't take i

thought i'd try something

as the words came out of my mouth i

realized i didn't know what i was trying

um i was like oh

you didn't know what shot you were

taking i did not i it was a blindfolded

shot sure um

did i miss

who can say

you know i'm gonna leave that alone

i'm gonna leave that alone and i'm gonna

let you have it because um i fully

expect to be mocked relentlessly for the

review i have for you guys today so

you know i'm i'm gonna

leave some of my

you're not you're not gonna talk mad

[ __ ] coming out the gate because it's

not

because you're like i will get that

returned to me okay hannah yep what are

what are we reviewing today we are

reviewing bride of shadows by ray watson

not bread of shadows not as my husband

thought you were saying the pride bride

that's a bakery reverse harem

that's some kind of like

she's a baker

and she accidentally summons a demon

wow she's making bread the oven is a

portal to the hellmouth

are we writing a book right now because

i'm writing a book i hate it but i've

also read things that are worse than

what we're pitching yeah

yeah and the thing about this one

actually is that i did like it um

it was different i feel like a lot of

times the storylines of the books we

review are very similar it's like

girl feels sort of pudgy and generally

down on herself hasn't had a great love

life girl that girl who's done on

herself for being pudgy that everyone

else thinks is smoking hot and that her

curves are to die for and luscious yes

luscious is the word and then out super

alpha male shows up and is like i'm into

you baby and she's like big yikes and he

just keeps going for it until eventually

they get together like that's the story

line of the majority of the books um and

this one is not like that it's different

and

so that made it intriguing to me

this is a reverse harem okay and it is

paranormal

so we open with is that is that your

favorite type

paranormal reversal

you know i think i go through phases

um that's you know that's a very fair

assessment because i i'll say there are

times when i like

like bulk download books

and i like look and i'm like did i just

download five mafia reverse param books

and then like the next time i'm like

these are all fluffy warm bowls of

nothing and then like the next time i'm

like these are all

paranormal so i feel you on the phases

yeah yeah lately i have not been on a

reverse harem or paranormal kick it's

been like a

crime fluffy

[Music]

thing

you know you know the ones that are like

in the middle of the yeah

the fluffy crime things the fluffy

crimes

yeah fluffy crime crime committed

against muppets the fluffy crime

what was that melissa carthy

melissa mccarthy muppet

movie oh

it was it was not good i didn't watch it

i know what you're talking about yeah

you didn't miss out on literally

anything noted yeah um but anyway bride

of shadows reverse harem paranormal um

we open with celine so celine is our

main chickie she works for a place

called cronus which is a very super

secret government agency

and i love a good secret agency we do we

love secrecy um she um is an basically

like an intake coordinator for

supernatural creatures

so these creatures are either captured

or volunteer for

like experimentation and study

research and stuff

or they are captured and brought in for

research and she does intakes on them so

in this universe in this world is this

like

are all paranormal creatures captured or

is this like a world where like

paranormal creatures coexist with humans

so

the humans are not aware of the

paranormal creatures okay which is part

of why the government agency is so super

secret because they're trying to hide

the existence of these creatures from

the general public

um

and so her dad is the head honcho of the

lab where she works

so

um

she also so she's like getting ready for

her day

she's apparently like best friends with

the ravens who live in the tree outside

her window so she like gives them

something shiny and is like doing her

thing it's sort of like um

snow white or cinderella like she's

friends with the woodland creatures

um but like the darker

like if edgar allan poe

yes wrote cinderella exactly um and she

also starts talking about how she has

this autoimmune disease um that is

unknown nobody really understands what

it is but she is extremely highly

medicated um to manage this disease

um

and so

her mother

died from the same disease and her dad

is generally very

withdrawn

and he's not very warm and cuddly

towards her

um generally pretty cold

so she gets to work

she's assigned to sub-level z which

she's never been assigned to before

which is where they put like the ultra

baddest of the bad

creatures

and so

um she goes down to do this intake

normally she has some information she

has their name she has their like type

of creature she has a little bit of

information about them

but she goes down to do this intake on

these three

shades and that's all the information

she has they are shades which are kind

of demon that's it thank you for the

clarification i was like

shades like 50 shades

um there are only three

yeah in this paranormal universe there's

only three shades of gray

okay so shades are types of demons yes

got it um

so she has no other information about

them which is highly unusual she also

finds out that four other intake people

have gone down to do their intakes and

have been severely attacked and unable

to complete the intakes

so

she's like

[Music]

so she gets down

down there and she sees these three

glass cubes in this giant room that are

just filled with

swirling darkness

shades of gray exactly okay um and then

slowly the darkness kind of comes

together and forms three men

um who are all super hot

um of course they are so literally my

notes say

um

forms into men who are gorgeous obs

i mean would there be a book if they

were uggos

probably not

i mean i would read it because i would

want to know

how do we get there

but probably not

um

so she goes into the first he says his

name is

aaron

i don't know

can can you spell that because the way

you said it just sounded like you said

aaron pretty slow

a r a w n

a r a

w n

so in the book it actually says

it's like aaron

only longer

stop

it does not say that

that's not an exact quote but she does

say that

iran ron we're just gonna go with iran

so um she goes to him first he tells her

his name

and says uh so she has to collect blood

hair nail scrapings and a bunch of other

stuff a bunch of other measurements and

whatnot

and for some reason

i have a quote here that says her

womanhood pulses with interest stop

[Laughter]

it's like janice dickinson's

autobiography when she kept talking

about her flower tingling like oh i just

i also like that we

we've talked about that before and

you're like yeah i know i know what

janice dickinson's vag was doing

oh no

um pulsating stop

um

so for some reason

yeah

her womanhood pulses with interest

um and he makes really weird comments

about how

um she looks just like her mother she

has her mother's eyes she's like the

[ __ ] are you talking about because she's

never met her mother her mom died when

she was an infant so she's like

who even the [ __ ] are you

um

so uh he tells her that they are not

shades and they are as old as time and

she's like okay

well if you're not shades the [ __ ] are

you

what are you taylor's oldest i know i

almost did that i almost did that but he

does tell her they're as old as time and

um

so all of a sudden she starts to get

super emotional like she's just

overwhelmed um

and he

grabs for her

and the security guy comes in and like

hauls her out

and she just like falls onto the ground

sobbing and coughing up blood

and

yes

um celine starts alluding to this

darkness within her that she's been

keeping repressed for her whole life

um that she feels like it's literally

clawing her insides to get out and it

hurts a lot and that's why she's like

coughing up this blood

so

this is intriguing right yeah so after

three days at home and two days of desk

duty um because she regularly has to

take time off because of this autoimmune

disease they're constantly adjusting her

medications and she's just like

she's never hungry her dad makes her

drink these weird smoothie things she's

just like generally miserable with this

like chronic illness

um

so three days at home two days of death

duty she decides that she's gonna go

back to

sub level z alone

um

so she goes into the room and

then she's like um

this was a mistake like she sees the

darkness swirling and like starting to

form into men and she's like um

i take it back i should go

i should go i should go i should go but

then

iran

says to the other two

enough

and they both say enough and then just

bust out of their cells

um like nothing

like nothing they form back into smoke

you mean out of their prison cells yes i

was thinking like

i was like

you're like they bust out of their cells

i was like and they turn back into smoke

i'm very

okay i see i see where i zigged where i

should have zagged

um so

nothing is actually holding them they

are all there

yeah got it they allow themselves to be

captured and held essentially

so

um they chase her down um and bust out

of the room she's trying to get to the

elevator

um but they grab her and then all of a

sudden a system-wide alarm goes off

um for the entire building so like baby

girl if their cells did not hold them

the elevator

you know probably won't make a

difference she's really trying though

so um she hits a button in the elevator

she tries to get out um because they

like make it to the elevator with her so

they're all

on the elevator so she hits a random

floor to just get out

um but when the doors open it's a

straight up war zone on the floor

because apparently

our lovely friends

uh unlocked every door

they got into the system when they

busted out of their cells

and

opened every door

so all the creatures are out even the

ones who were there voluntarily

so

um there are creatures everywhere she

starts trying to run

um and a guard shows up and she's like

finally i'm gonna be safe awesome but

he's just like

mowing people down like it doesn't

matter if they're creatures or if

they're employees everybody's getting

shot

so oh no

um

balor who's another one of our

shadows

um goes absolutely ballistic and kills

all of the guards like he he

disintegrates into shadow

and then they're just like body parts

flying out of the darkness like he's

just like taking people down

um

so then

um

he says to celine

wild things don't belong in cages and

that includes you

oh so

which was a fun line so then um iran

picks her up throws her over his

shoulder um

and

he's like weirdly caressing her leg

while they're like running through this

war zone and she's

into it but she's like i'm not into it i

can't be into it this is not good none

of this is good she's like stepping into

the celine stop banging exactly she's

like cross your legs god damn

there's like blood and bodies everywhere

we can't be doing this right now um

so uh some more creatures start to

follow her um and she starts to freak

out because they are really really bad

but the third shadow draco

um malfoy

yes um

he just like [ __ ]

rips one of them in half with his bare

hands he's the most unassuming one he's

like the thinnest and like them like he

looks the most kind of

you mean like when we reviewed ruthless

creatures and we were saying like the

quiet ones

exactly exactly exactly got it so he

rips one in half and the other one is

like oh [ __ ] and runs away um i mean i

would run too

yes yeah um so they keep moving um

towards the stairs the elevator is dead

they make it out to the courtyard and

she sees her dad through the window and

she starts screaming for her dad um

and

that's it like he sees her his eyes get

wide and he yells something she can't

hear and then the guys all she calls it

going dark so they all turn into

darkness again and then just like whisk

her away

um and so she do they also turn her into

darkness or she's just like so she's

like floating in it okay floating in

darkness and just like can't see yes but

she describes like a feeling of comfort

like she's freaked out but she's also

like

comfortable as they're moving her

um so

um she is somewhere in the woods and she

knows that she's really far away from

her home

um so she tries to run she screams for

help um

balor turns into a clydesdale

why wouldn't he

i don't know um have you ever seen a

clydesdale in person negative ghost

rider

they're huge

like

like truly so um

busch gardens

ah

bush like being like

am heiser yes um

i don't know why it was related but they

had clydesdales

they had tons of clydesdales at busch

gardens

um and you could like walk through and

they are

they're they are massive i don't like

that

i mean they're just like they're horses

i

actually have a fear of horses they

scare themselves what get out of me

these what is so bad i

i never knew you had a fear of horses i

they really really scare me when i was

like 11 or 12 i went on this horseback

riding thing and for some reason i all i

chose like the oldest most ornery horse

i don't know why

but he

saw the barn like he had already been

problematic through the whole ride but

he saw the barn

when we were almost back and took off at

a gallop through the trees and i got

like cut up like

cut up all over it i'm just screaming my

head off so ever since then i've been

like hard pass on the horses so the idea

of a giant horse

is not something that i would be into

okay that's a valid you had a traumatic

experience um i would recommend just

some like light exposure therapy well i

have done that because i've taken

patients for equine therapy before

um so i can be the first time i did it

it was as a staff outing thing for work

um with an equine therapist and i just

cried in the corner like i just stood in

the corner of the barn and sobbed and

the lady was so nice and she's like it's

okay you're like are you ready to get a

little closer and i was like no and

she's like that's okay you let me know

when you're ready and eventually i did

touch the horse okay and i cried a lot

i'm so freaked out

um but since then i mean i can be near a

horse i would prefer not to be

but i can be near a horse without crying

or hyperventilating so

i love horses

i

once

was oversold the desperation of a

rehabilitation facility needing a equine

therapist and i was told if you are into

horses that would be enough

um

and i had a friend who worked there and

i had a job interview and it was not

enough that was not a great interview

because they said do you ride english or

western and i just went i really like

horses

but also so recently

um my like extended family my sister and

brother-in-law we were all up at my

parents house and i was talking to my

uncle about an aunt who was not on the

trip but i was like yeah do you remember

when her horse got horse napped

and you told me about that well okay but

i have an update on it because what he

goes

no

i don't remember that at all and i was

like

wait what

and he's like i don't remember that

happening

i'm like

oh okay so i like open he and i are like

sitting on like the deck having this

conversation so i open the door inside

the house and my mom and aunt are

sitting there i'm like do y'all remember

when that horse got horse napped

and they're like

no

we'll see we don't remember this like

are you sure that happened she sold the

horse at one point and i was like

maybe i like really made up this whole

thing and my uncle was like

i mean it's a it's a great story

but then

even if it's all lies truly great story

so then the next day i'm like where it

comes back up and i say i'm like

yeah i mean apparently i'm i just like

created the story and i'm the only one

that remembered the horse getting horse

napped and my sister was like no you're

not that happened

that's 100 true and i was but my sister

and i are apparently the only two

that have any recollection

of this horse

getting horse napped

what

it's like honestly it's still kind of

messing with me because like all of the

adults were like we have no idea what

you're talking about my sister's like

yeah that is absolutely true i 100

remember that story

what okay so he turns into a clydesdale

and he turns into a question no it's

fine but my aunt's horse may or may not

have been horse now he turns into a

clydesdale he turns into a clydesdale

and he chases her down

she begs them not to hurt her

um and they are

super confused she's like please don't

hurt me please don't hurt me just take

me home and they're like uh why would we

hurt you exactly like what even are you

saying to us

um so she tells them she really needs to

go home because she needs her medication

because she's sick so she has this

autoimmune disorder she takes all these

pills every day she can't just not take

them

she needs to go home

and they

start laughing

they're they think she's joking about

being sick

and she gets really mad she's like this

is not a [ __ ] joke this is my life i

need my medication like this is not

[ __ ] funny she's like chronic illness

isn't a joke

exactly

but then

iran tells her that she can't get sick

because she's a daughter of the night

are are they

they're sons of the night

they're

they're fathers they're daddies

are there night daddies or the daddies

of the night

night daddies hell yeah oh my god no

well i'm like

oh she's a daughter then i okay i'm

trying to connect the dots here well i'm

gonna connect them for you

right now

if they don't connect to night daddy i

don't wanna well they do connect tonight

daddy but that's not the name he uses

okay

because the name is good

no

so

like damn it night daddy ray watson you

missed an opportunity that's what i'm

going to call him from now on so

iran explains that she is a a daughter

of nyx who is the primordial goddess of

the night yes the greek goddess right

um and they uh the three men are all

pieces of erebus's cloak so erebus um

is nyx's counterpart he's the god of the

knight right

the primordial god

so

he that's like the the greek myth is

that night happens when erebus like

moves over the

sky

and his cloak is the knight so they are

pieces of his cloak

that over time like fell off

and became sentient so they are pieces

of a cloak

what a missed opportunity for night

daddies

right well technically erebus is the

night daddy

um

so they tell her that she is

the daughter of nick's cloak daddy's

daddies that's like a leather kink feels

like

um

which might be appropriate later but

okay

so they're like listen

you are a daughter of the goddess of

night

we are

technically sort of

sons of arabists like

our love is foretold like we

are destined yes

um

and they

explain that arabis and nix have this

like

epic love and so they are

fated to be together they've been

looking for her

they're

they love her already um

and then they they drop the little

tidbit

that they need her to make baby shadows

so they cannot make any babies unless

they have her

they cannot become the cloak daddies

right they can't be true night daddies

without her

um so do they do they really love her or

is she a means to an end so they can

have little shadow babies exactly okay

so um she

doesn't believe any of this she's like

this is the most preposterous [ __ ]

i've ever heard in my [ __ ] life can

you please just take me home so i can

take my meds and go to bed because this

day is stupid she's like i hate

everything about it

um

so iran keeps trying to talk to her wait

what's what do you always what did you

always used to say when we were together

everything is stupid and i hate it yes

that's her describing this day exactly

she's like i am not into any of it um so

iran keeps trying to talk to her and

touch her

and she keeps like flinching away she's

like

don't [ __ ] touch me she's like please

stop

um

and then uh baylor strips for some

reason

is he no longer a clydesdale

no he's back into a human

um and i don't remember when that

happened but he gets naked my my notes

literally say baylor strips for some

reason

and starts to lose his [ __ ] so they they

realize

she's like so could any shadows have

come for me

and baylor like loses it he's like nope

nope not any shadows thank you for

asking absolutely the [ __ ] not is that

like actually true no other shadows or

is that just him

yeah he's already super possessive um so

he starts flipping out at the idea that

other shadows could have gotten to her

first um and she's like i

need a moment thank you for real so she

goes and sits alone and

draco comes over and explains that they

are different kinds of darkness so they

are brothers

not really brothers they're pieces of a

cloak and they they want to be eskimo

brothers they do want to be eskimo

brothers they want to be eskimo daddies

yup

hey there's my puppies

we'll get you right back to the show in

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all right i won't keep you any longer

let's get back to the show

[Music]

so um

he explains that baylor is the scary

kind of darkness where you're in a

haunted house or an old creepy abandoned

building and you're like oh i shouldn't

be here yikes

he's that kind of darkness

um

iran is the comforting kind of darkness

that you get before sleep

um or like very early in the morning

when you wake up before the sun he's

that kind of darkness

and draco is the hollow kind of darkness

just like the nothing kind

um

so she cries and she tells him that um

she really wants to to feel

um and to understand but her head is

just full of static and she just can't

process any of this um and so he holds

holds her hand and she just becomes

overwhelmed with grief um she's just

processing the trauma of having this

chronic illness processing the trauma of

not having a mom processing all of this

stuff and so she just starts [ __ ]

screaming bloody

murder like just starts losing her [ __ ]

and then iran comes up and like touches

her head and basically like puts her to

sleep with his nice comforting darkness

and so she like passes out so was it

draco not malfoy

so i was like was it malfoy star was

malfoy's darkness causing the freak out

it does it's like that is implied okay

um

but not explicitly stated

um daddy you gotta let go

well he was helping her process because

she'd been holding on to all of it and

so she said she wanted to feel it he was

like all right

and like facilitate that process for her

you said so

careful what you wish for boo

well i mean it kind of feels like when

people come into therapy and they're

like right i'm ready to work on this

[ __ ] and you get like one session in and

you're like are you i don't

i don't think you're ready to work on

this

i don't think we're there yeah which is

also okay you don't need to be there

exactly sometimes people will come in

and start talking about stuff and i'm

like

sweetheart

you're not hurting anybody and

everything is fine

this is okay like you're allowed to have

this issue for a minute

how else are you gonna be funny

like we don't need to fix all of it

you gotta leave a little trauma there

for the humor

exactly i saw a tweet about that a

really long time ago i can't remember

that was like

the hardest part about having kids is

figuring out um how to keep them safe

while also giving them just enough

trauma to be funny

i was like that's good

and

accurate

like it's not it's not wrong and there

we are okay so

so

aaron

and then she wakes up with him watching

her

um and she is in a lot of pain by this

point she has missed several doses of

her medication

um and she is really really hurting

so um she goes off to pee

and two ravens are watching her

and she has started to put together some

of these guys like their powers and she

realizes that obviously they can

shape-shift if baylor can turn into a

clydesdale they can shape-shift so she's

like are they watching me pee right now

because i am not into that like

the [ __ ]

um

so she goes back by the fire

all three are there so she's like maybe

they weren't watching me

i don't know

something else

is watching her creepy yeah so she goes

back they built her a fire um

but she's very very nauseous

um

and

they start

basically taking care of her they're

picking stuff out of her hair they

hunted some rabbits for her they're like

doing all this stuff to try to keep her

well

um

and

baylor is absolutely oblivious to how

sick she is and is like skinning these

rabbits in front of her and she's like i

will

vomit on you like

you've got to stop

um

and then she does she throws it

everywhere

um so the guys take her to some unknown

city where they get a hotel for her to

rest in

they realized that they tried to care

for her in the woods and like give her

food and keep her warm and everything

but um

she just feels really really terrible

because she's been without her meds for

so long

so um some guys come into the parking

garage so they like leave her

in the parking garage with baylor

and then the other two go in to like get

them a room or whatever and these guys

come by the parking garage where

um

baylor's with celine

and um

one asks if celine is okay because she's

clearly not feeling well

um and baylor does

not appreciate it and he just goes like

full darkness and scares the absolute

living [ __ ] out of this poor little

hipster boy who just wanted to ask if

she was okay because she's a girl in a

parking garage alone with a massive dude

i'm not loving his energy no i'm also

not she is also not she gets very angry

she's like that was completely unfucking

necessary what is wrong with you

so

um he's like uh

nobody should be talking to you but me

and my brothers so

sorry not sorry

um she's like that's unnecessary and

he's like i'm doubling down yeah he's

like i don't feel bad

um so then she's in the hotel bath and

around shows up and he's like don't be

scared of us like you don't need to be

scared of us

and he keeps talking and talking and

talking about how epic their love is and

how epic you know their whole story is

going to be

draco shows up with rose petals and they

like candles for her and they do all

this romantic [ __ ] um iran kisses her

and it's

a lot it's very overwhelming for her um

and he starts caressing her which is

fine um my notes say

until he gets to the money bits and she

panics

yeah i mean

they're they're coming on very strong

because it's one of those where they're

like well our love is pre-destroyed and

we've known about you forever and she's

like

i've known about this for 24 hours i

don't really know if it's true and i

feel like a human dumpster fire

or rather

a paranormal dumpster fire exactly yeah

well she's human

she's human

um

but she's not fully human

she so technically she is as far as she

knows

as far as she knows yeah so they keep

telling her she's a daughter of knight

but she's like the [ __ ] does that even

mean like i know my dad

i'm not

yeah my mom is dead y'all are [ __ ]

crazy

um

so

she

is like please don't touch me

did you take me

just to like breed me basically is that

what's happening here and draco's like

yup

that man does not pull any punches he is

not

smooth

um so ron explains that they want her to

be free because she was

she doesn't know it but she was also in

captivity with cronus and so

yes they also want to make babies

because they love her

but ultimately they want her to be free

so

a week later

celine has detoxed from all those [ __ ]

that she was on

and she wakes up starving so it's been a

week of them like trying to force feed

her and like taking care of her she

feels like trash she wakes up she is so

hungry

um

food has never been appealing before now

it's always made her feel sick but now

she is like

will eat anything she is so hungry so

she goes to eat she's moaning like mad

ron orders one of everything on the menu

from room service

um all three three guys start to get

handsy

um

and

um so she starts responding to each

um and they the this is a quote they

surrender to her so i guess they're like

i don't know what that means

i don't i was gonna guess but i don't

actually know what that means i don't

know

were there context clues

do i want the context clue so i think it

was basically like they were

holding back from her because she was so

sick they were just trying to take care

of her and then it was like

she like bit one and like

grabbed another and was basically like

asserting herself i guess in the

situation and they're like all right

we're glad you feel better

they're like i guess it's time to make

shadow babies yes and just when they are

about to

uh room service shows up

um

and she eats

a lot

so then um iran takes her shopping

because she has no clothes um and they

don't pay for anything so because he is

so comforting

he's just like thanks guys

and they leave

um

at first she's like we can't just like

steal this stuff

and he's like

please don't worry about it like we're

not stealing from mom and pop shops here

like they're fine we're stealing from

target they can afford the loss this is

like a boutique situation they're fine

so

um and then they go to a park where

draco is having a very weird interaction

with a kid and i don't know why this

stood out to me so much because it means

nothing in the context of the story but

he's like standing there and this little

kid is like staring at him and eating

chips and draco is like just looking

back at him and the kid just like offers

him some chips and draco like

takes one and just

keeps staring at this kid and then

ultimately the kid is like

like shrugs and runs away and draco's

like

uh

can i have more chips

so

yeah it turns out that people generally

don't notice him you know his darkness

is the nothing darkness yeah so this kid

just

locked on to him for some reason and had

that interaction with him which i

thought was really funny

um so

uh iran goes off somewhere and leaves

celine with draco he protects her like

some dogs kind of get rowdy and he like

gets all weird and alpha about it um but

he's very very sweet in an awkward weird

way

so

iran shows back up with some hot dogs

she is [ __ ] starving like she cannot

stop eating at this point

um

and then she said she feels like they're

buttering her up for something and iran

tells her to think of it as flirting um

and she's like i

don't get it you guys just literally

like want me to make babies for you like

this is not

yeah this is not hot

um

so draco asks um if they should just

chain her to a bed

because obviously she's into it so he's

like

should we just get down to it

and iran explains that they could have

forced her

technically like they're stronger than

her how generous of them um to

wait for consent right this is not

points in your column jackass

so we could have forced ourselves upon

you and we didn't do we not get credit

for that exactly that's the energy

um um real fast

when i used to work crisis

a mom

was like hey my like her 10 year old

needed a crisis assessment

and she was like i found out

when his little sister has been crying

he has been like putting a pillow over

her face

yeah real not good situation and she was

like he's

really charming and he's really

manipulative and he will try and talk

his way out of this also worth noting

that like

they lived in a two-bedroom apartment

and it was like mom and boyfriend in one

room and like ten-year-old brother and

two-year-old sister were sharing your

room which i'm like developmentally is

not a good

idea um but they had limited space

training not to be judgmental so i like

going to this assessment

and like

he was an attractive 10 year old like

he's one of those 10 year olds that i

was like

you when you are going to be a very

attractive man when you grow up in a way

that's pretty and yeah yes and i'm like

if you keep on this trail you will be

murdering girls in college bars kind of

energy oh

but like

you will be very unassuming and they

will go with you willingly was kind of

so

what it made me think of was that during

this this assessment and i don't

remember the specific number of days um

but i'm sitting there talking to this

kid and he's like

i didn't know i was hurting her i just

like when she was crying i just like put

my hand over her mouth and pressed down

a little bit

um because i like wanted her to stop

crying i didn't know she couldn't

breathe

okay

and then he like keeps going and he's

like and i haven't done it that often

i've only done it like

20 times

and like oh like in a year and it's been

two years like 40 times so like what's

365 plus 365. and he's like doing this

math and i'm like no no no

you don't get credit for all of the days

you didn't

do this

that's not

but like that was literally the logic

this kid was trying to come at me with

and i'm like no no

that's not how this works

but yeah when it's like do we not get

credit for the fact that we didn't

tie you up on a bed and make you have

our little shadow babies

that's what it made me think of that is

that is the energy yeah

um

and um but iran is like listen we care

about you a lot that's what we're trying

to tell you we love you

offstring our offspring are a bonus like

we'd be into that but that's not the

primary objective

so um baylor has been in a haunted house

just scaring the [ __ ] out of people

so it turns out that he basically

consumes people's terror like that's how

he

feeds so he's just scaring the pants off

folks in a haunted house because

apparently it's october you know we all

have our thing

so

um

so then they decide to go to a club

because she's never really been to a

nightclub um and she's never been drunk

before because she's been out with

co-workers to drink but she's never been

able to get drunk so she's like

let's do it up like let's go drinking

let's see if now that i'm hungry i can

also get drunk

yes okay so

she really can't she drinks so much she

does get a little bit tipsy um decides

to dance um

draco is absolutely miserable he is not

into any of this iran is not into it

either but baylor is like let's dance

babe let's do this [ __ ]

um so they dance they have a great time

um they kiss but then she panics and

remembers him saying that um

she is a womb to be filled

and

so she slaps him off of her

he storms after her that's kind of some

mixed messages and if anyone just heard

that little rumbling in the background

that is my pug

snoring at our feet

he doesn't like to sit very far away

are you not are you not entertained

brandon

do you not find us funny

do you not find the shadow darkness

funny apparently not okay um so

she's into it and then she's like i

remember that he said this that's kind

of mixed messages

i feel like they are mixed messages

this is all around it's all kind of

chaotic yeah okay nobody's like in the

right here nobody's doing a great job

communicating so she's like

you know

her hormones are into it and then she's

like oh wait a minute he just literally

wants to get me pregnant and whatever

so

um

my notes say he gets big mad and tells

her

to say it tell him that he's using her

he says that over and over tell me that

i'm using you tell me that i'm using you

um

and she doesn't say anything so he eats

her out

i

so he makes like a little shadow room so

she has run away from him she is under

the stairs in the club so he like puts

up shadows hannah

i'm gonna pause you okay details don't

make it better

tried that like i was like well context

help and then you started giving context

i was like it will not but at least it's

not on the middle of the dance floor

that makes it better

it'd almost be better if it was in the

middle of the dance floor

okay

[Laughter]

okay i feel appropriately chastised

you feel chastised

let's process that

no i was trying to think of the word but

like no you're right it doesn't get

better like no no no chelsea he made a

shroud of darkness around her before i'm

like oh okay

yeah it's not better it's not better so

um she has a super intense orgasm and he

says again tell me that i'm using you

like tell me now

and um

she pushes past him and

she sees iran um and draco kind of like

watching and she runs past them and goes

into the bathroom

so this is

messy it's so messy and it only gets

messier because then she's in the

bathroom and she sees this girl

um

and

you know that we love supportive women

in a bathroom at the bar like that's

where

magic happens yes you will get

such a pep talk from a stranger and the

best lipstick and just like the most

love

i've i've never shared lipstick with a

stranger

it's probably wise

in fairness but i do feel like there's

always some girl crying

who's just getting a great pep talk yes

absolutely okay so

there's a girl in the bathroom

yes um this is not one of those times so

there's a girl in the bathroom and she

says that she is from cronus and she is

there to rescue her she's like we've

been tracking you we're here for you

let's go

[Music]

so

um celine doesn't really want to go oh

she just had a great orgasm she did and

she's feeling

physically way better now that she's not

on all those drugs and she's like that

don't make no sense they told me i would

die

but i feel better but instead i ate a

cheeseburger

exactly yeah weird had a cheeseburger

had a great orgasm

that's not what they do do i really want

to go back there exactly fair um but the

chick drags her out

and the guys obviously know what's going

on and they show up

um and she is

so i it's very unclear how all of this

happens it's very unclear but somehow

she is being hauled through a cronus

facility the guys

know what's going on so they show up

um and

when the chick realizes that this isn't

gonna go well

um she turns her gun on celine

um

to try to get away

she's like

um i'm not here to die

for this [ __ ] so i'm just gonna pull my

gun

um which doesn't make any sense no not

at all um and celine gets boost

and she goes to like grab the girl and

breaks her wrist and she's like the [ __ ]

how did i do that

oops

um

and so then she realizes that everything

the guy said were was true everything

about her she'd always been a cronus

prisoner that was not her dad

she's always just been an experiment

they were drugging her it's terrible

it wasn't her dad she well that's what

they told her and she's like well maybe

that's true like maybe he wasn't really

my dad maybe he was just some researcher

um

so

uh then the guys kill this chick

after she tries to shoot celine

and they

whisk her up and take her away so they

wind up on a beach and celine has a full

rage breakdown about what a lie her life

was before

because she's been told she has this

chronic illness she's been told that

she's weak she's been told that this is

her dad she's been told she can't leave

the base

because it's not safe because she's so

sick

and all of this stuff and none of that

is true um so

then she

starts making out with draco and he's

like what is happening right now

um

and baylor comes up and eats her out

again

while ron comes up behind her and starts

taking her dress off so they're just on

a beach somewhere in the middle of

nowhere

um

she comes again and then uh iran starts

making moves

and

she's like leaning forward on baylor

ron is still behind her

um

she is like p.s i'm a virgin

like

i've been terribly sick my entire life

so

never really got the chance for this

um

and so can smoke penetrate you

apparently because iran says that he

will stop any time she wants all she has

to do is speak up

and

my notes say he [ __ ] her very gently

from behind while she's still leaning on

baylor who's playing with her [ __ ] and

giving her a lot of like verbal praise

um

she she but she has sex with them i feel

like this is

too much detail it gets weirder which is

why i said something about it it doesn't

matter you're right it doesn't matter

um

so highlights hannah highlights

so then this storm starts which is why i

was getting into all the details so all

the storm starts

and um

it keeps getting worse like as the sex

is getting more and more intense um and

draco's like

she's like are you doing that and

draco's like no honey you're doing that

and she's like um what um okay

um

so then

that they finish and then

there we go everybody finishes

everybody gets an orgasm everybody well

no draco doesn't draco doesn't and

baylor doesn't but iran and celine all

get orgasms so then both get organized

yes sure i'm sure the other two enjoyed

it but there's no indication if they

came or not because they didn't

technically do a whole lot with her so

then they all go into this dilapidated

lighthouse thing to rest she wakes up

she's surrounded by all of these men

she decides she's going to go outside to

pee and take a walk on the beach when

you say surrounded by all these men we

just mean the three right we don't mean

like the ravens i don't i don't mean any

strangers yeah um so then um two demons

show up while she's going for a walk on

the beach um and one looks at her eyes

and said that she's more of a [ __ ] than

her dad said that she was um and iran

shows up to the rescue

crowd after you lost your virginity

right

um baylor and draco show up and kill the

demons they're like weird shape-shifty

things like hellhounds or something um

and then she

is like um can somebody tell me what the

[ __ ] is wrong with my eyes that these

demons looked at them and said that i

was a [ __ ] while you're a [ __ ]

right she's like can somebody explain

this [ __ ] to me real quick please thank

you

and so

um

he tells her that they are fully black

today they were previously blue they're

fully black today um because their

darkness is in her and she's like what

and he's like yo prego

stop

stop

yeah

they boned once

and then the next morning

her eyes are a different color so she's

pregnant and she is [ __ ] livid she is

livid like you would not believe i mean

i get it

and right so then she starts demanding

answers

from the guys who have none

she's like okay so how long am i going

to be pregnant what am i even giving

birth to what's the birthing process

like somebody explained this [ __ ] to me

and they're like um

they're like these are great questions

they're like single

shoulder shrug we don't know

so sorry

um they're like it varies

among the daughters of nyx

we really don't know

um but it shouldn't last longer than a

day

she's like the [ __ ] the pregnancy only

lasts one day yep

um

so she is just super emotional and

exhausted she's like why did you even

pick me

like why would you pick me but just

because i was available like this is

[ __ ] stupid

um and they shower her with all these

compliments and then draco's like but

why did you pick us

and

she starts to answer and then all of a

sudden she goes into

major amounts of pain

and it's apparently her labor

24 hours later it's i is 24 feels like a

stretch

they slept they woke up she got into a

fight with some demons on the beach yep

and then she's in labor

so like maybe 12 hours depending on how

much sleep they got you're tracking

so she runs out she's screaming like mad

um and then a shadow comes pouring out

of her mouth

and

like races over the sea and that's it

apparently that's what my notes say and

that's it apparently

that's her giving birth

will they ever know their shadow babies

not really

um which is very emotional for her so

she asks if that's what's gonna happen

every time they have sex and iran is

like there's a lot more to pleasure than

penetrative sex so

so yes so i said that's a weird thing to

say that's what's in my notes is this

gonna happen every time we have sex

there's other things we can do and

you're like so yes every time we have

sex that will happen so we have to get

creative with other options

yes

got it yeah

so then um she starts getting ragey

about not knowing how to do anything

um

she can't do anything for herself

because her dad has been keeping her so

sheltered for so long

um and baylor says that um and she

definitely doesn't know how to do

anything sexual and baylor is like

learning with us will be fun wink wink

um so then he there's more sex with

draco i'm not gonna go into it

that i have a lot of specific notes we

don't need to know about

um but i will say there is some slurp in

the gherkin

and then

some other stuff but it's like a

threesome situation

um there's [ __ ] there's threesomes

yeah and draco is usually very dominant

but he is

baylor explains to her he's giving her

the gift of submission

um

because she doesn't know anything

yes um

so he's giving the gift of submission

she's giving the gift of her mouth

there's a heavy focus on her autonomy

and consent which is nice

um so then you got autonomy i heard

anatomy

[Laughter]

i mean that too yeah

that's that's also fair but her autonomy

her anatomy i skimmed and consent

you her bits

you skimmed her bits the money bits

they skimmed her bits too

no

okay

so um

celine wants to learn more about her

origins and she wants to know why her

mom never came for her like why didn't

my mom ever

come find me she just left me there and

draco is like

do you know where your offspring is

right now

and she's like

uh low [ __ ] blow dude no i don't know

where my offspring okay but also a valid

question when she's feeling salty

right he's like gods do [ __ ] different

babe this is just the way that it is

yeah um and so

um

she gets followed by another demon so

she's like i need a minute i'm gonna go

get some coffee she's followed by

another demon

um

she lures him outside he gets taken out

and

celine is like how the [ __ ] do they keep

finding me this is [ __ ] ridiculous i

don't understand and the guys are like

oh

we might know and we're really sorry

so there's a tracking brand like in her

skin on her scalp they're like these

runes and stuff on her skull

so they need to be removed that's how

they're being tracked

um and so

um she refuses to be sedated at all and

the guys are

not pleased they're like please let us

put you out this is gonna suck so

[ __ ] bad and she's like nope

so i

i'm not rooting for anyone in this

like not especially

she's kind of annoying and whiny mm-hmm

and then like

they're like let us help you and she's

like no but i have a feeling then it's

gonna hurt her and she's gonna complain

well so actually what happens is draco

winds up cutting them out and because

she didn't

use any sedation she has this like major

power shift ravens all start flocking to

her um and she

apparently awakens her powers through

this

experience i mean okay fine yeah

um so they've been globe trotting for a

month we're skipping ahead they've been

globetrotting for a month they see

things they experience things they have

a great time um she's about getting

better at controlling her shadows um she

can make clothes out of her shadows and

she can do other stuff

um ravens still follow her everywhere

um

sometimes they spend time all together

but she also likes to take them on like

individual dates

um

um

so they have solo time together so

um she is in a redwood forest with

baylor apparently there's a primal king

situation they like to chase each other

around and [ __ ] in the forest which is

fine like you can be into that i'm not

into that because i like to be

indoors

i'm not i'm not an out-of-doors person

you're like because this one time when i

was young i went on a horseback ride

and

yeah we went through the forest when he

saw the barn and i got cut up and i'm

also just painfully pale and bugs like

me a lot like i went to the beach last

weekend and i am covered in bites

like i'm covered in bites i don't

understand

it's very frustrating for me

i don't like to be outside

no i mean i get it i wear normally like

a long-sleeve rash guard swim top

because of how pale i am 100 yeah

um i also feel like if you're gonna [ __ ]

on the forest floor

there's a lot of dirt there's a lot of

twigs there's a lot of

small

woodland creatures that's what i'm

saying

i don't want any part of that personally

well hannah the that's not what you were

saying the reason you gave is that

you're pale

and and i don't like bugs

well that's that's creatures i don't

want to be bitten

and it's dirty i was more thinking of

like squirrels watching

i was thinking less of bug bites

so you're concerned about a chipmunk

rubbing one out

oh wow

um i don't think i was i wasn't thinking

of a chipmunk masturbating why are they

watching you

because they

they don't see it very often

oh my gosh they have some questions so

it's the novelty of it yes it is the

novelty of watching the sexual

experience

um yeah it was less about the bugs but i

do you know

i can see to your point where you're

like no chelsea

i'm covered in bug bites and that was

from the beach that wasn't even from the

[ __ ] forest floor exactly um that's

the same reason i don't want to bang on

the beach there's sand everywhere oh my

gosh look at that [ __ ] that okay actual

question though okay

either or like would you if you had to

choose one

would you choose forest floor

or beach

forest floor yeah i think forest floor

the sand man

not like not [ __ ] the sand

man like

the sand i mean

i swear like you go to the beach for one

day

and like you will have sand in your car

for months even when you clean very

thoroughly

exactly and i don't want sand other

places

no

it is abrasive

[Laughter]

that is the worst no one needs the extra

friction

well no and we don't need that kind of

exfoliation we don't

exfoliate

yeah i'm like what are you trying to

exfoliate because that i don't want that

i'm not yeah not like that was like the

colloquial you i know you're not trying

to exfoliate your coochie

thanks for that buddy yeah no i would

also say forest floor

and give the chipmunks a show

yep we'll put on a show for alvin and

the chipmunks oh alvin

so anyway

um

so she is thinking about

they're in the forest they're they're

doing this primal kink chase thing

um

so they realize that they cannot just

continue to just have vaginal sex

because they will

drown the world in shadows that's a

direct quote

so

um they have showed her

um all different ways to experience

pleasure she's into it um

but she has had

three more shadow babies in this month

that they've been traveling lord

um

so then she's on a date um with draco

watching the northern lights

um

he tells her that love is like the abyss

and she gives it meaning it's very

romantic little moment between them

um because he's the darkness of nothing

he's like

love is like nothing you give it meaning

like oh

i guess um i guess it's all about

perspective because

to him

exactly that does matter

to me i'm like

oh

okay like if my husband said that it

wouldn't it wouldn't hit the same way no

no

yeah it does hit for celine

um so they start making out um she's

hoping it'll escalate a little bit um

but she's prego again and goes into

labor well he there on this date

um she holds her she gives birth she

really is super bummed that the shadows

just like go away like they just

disappear

um and she's like i wish they would hang

out for a little while like

i wish i could know my children exactly

yeah

um so she's a little sad draco sits with

her and holds her hand

and then the guy the guy surprised her

to by taking her to an old altar to nix

um this like ancient altar she starts to

get super emotional and without really

thinking about it she forms a black

wedding dress

um and makes like all of these black

butterflies like everywhere

um so she declares her love for them

um

they start making out um

they have well there's a lot of sex

there's a lot of detail that i don't

need to give you

um

but yeah she bangs all three at once

basically

and

um

blah blah blah i hope the wedding dress

she made was not constrictive

apparently not um had strategically

placed holes uh yeah she did

[Laughter]

no okay

um so then they all fall asleep so they

have this epic bang session on the altar

to her mother

and then they all fall asleep what a way

to honor your mother's memory i guess um

so then celine wakes up to this female

voice calling out to her from the woods

and i'm like baby girl no

have we learned nothing about anything

we don't follow voices into the woods

but she follows the voice do not follow

your caucasian curiosity

right into the woods

the caucasity don't do it it's true

don't do it

um but she follows and she finds nyx who

looks um identical to her like they are

[ __ ] identical

um only nyx is a giant

but then she like shrinks down into

human size

um

nyx explains that celine is actually one

of her feathers

so she has wings

and

so cronus

set up

that altar so it's a fake altar

they set it up to try to capture her

and

um

when they

made the attempt they got some of her

feathers

and so

celine

um

is one of those feathers

and so

celine is like why didn't you come for

me i needed you and she's like

you didn't need me look at you you're

fine

um

and then she gives her the title of

goddess of ravens bats and black cats

is that going on your business card

if i could get away with it i would

it's your new email signature

goddess of ravens bats and black cats

um

and then nyx disappears and the guys

show up

they go back to the altar

um celine has burned some more darkness

because there was a [ __ ] in three-way

apparently and so or four away or

whatever the [ __ ]

so

so she's prego again so she gives birth

she decides she wants to do it alone

um

and so she spends some time with the

darkness like

it's a shadow she plays with it in the

forest and then it runs away um baylor

went to the village to terrorize some

some villagers

and

um iran went to put together like a

celebration for her new title

so she's hanging out in the forest and

draco's been waiting for her and she

hears this horrible scream by the altar

and so

um it turns out that another

tatter piece

of erebus cloak

um

is there trying to kill draco

so he is attacking him he says his name

is adam

and he's come to take her home

um it turns out there was a a cronus

camera there the whole time so got the

whole

bang fest that happened on the ultra

well i mean i was wondering when we

found out like it had been a cronus

sight to capture next yeah yeah so

they knew they were there the whole time

so

um she pretends to surrender to save

draco

um so

she

makes adam think that she is bored with

her three men

and draco begs her to run

um

but she agrees to go with adam

and says it's time to put an end to this

so she goes

they land in um

the

cronus courtyard

and there's security everywhere adam

keeps trying to touch her and she keeps

telling him to like back the [ __ ] up

like don't [ __ ] touch me and he's

like oh but baby like we're meant to be

we have an epic love and she's like we

do not don't [ __ ] touch me i need to

have an epic love with someone else who

told me i had an epic love with him

three other someones

so um her dad comes out and adam tells

her to go to him

um

and then they can have their alone time

so she turns around and [ __ ]

disintegrates him she gets so angry she

loses her [ __ ] and she disintegrates

adam or her dad adam apparently she's a

lot more powerful than she realized and

she disintegrates him

um and then she inhales his essence

which is dark and weird

but that's what happens

um so then her dad is like

just come back inside like we have a lot

to talk about i'm so sorry like just

come on

and um

as her dad is essentially distracting

her somebody tries to tranquilize her

and she like pulls out the tranq and is

like that is a

super cute attempt

but you probably should have worked on

your formula a little more because i

feel nothing and like throws the trach

back at them

and then the shadows show up her dad

continues to try to berate her tell her

that um

she

is

nothing that she is basically a piece of

trash and just an experiment that he's

ashamed of

um but she shows her power so she like

lets all this darkness like leak from

her and like go in between the legs of

all these security guys and they're like

oh [ __ ]

oh no

so she like just covers everything in

darkness and um

she uh

basically is like

if you come after me again

i will destroy all of you

but we're gonna go now

so this is your last chance

so she turns to leave but her dad pulls

a gun on her

and so she sends the darkness

like into his mouth and makes him

explode

so that

happens

and then she tells all the other

cronus people um to leave them alone or

they can suffer the same

for the record y'all i'm just like

blinking

i'm just like

garlic i'm sorry i told you it was

different it was fun

but anyway so now we're at the epilogue

babe we're almost there

i'm still just blinking at hannah

this is the whole book

so celine has been

um they've been traveling

she's been learning

they're having fun

they have settled in tuscany um and they

just collect black cats that have been

kind of discarded on the streets she

collects them they've built little

houses for wayward bats when they're in

their travels and they have ravens that

live in their olive trees

everyone is very happy and super chill

and that's it

the end

it was a fun read

i liked it

um

okay so let's summarize

no because if you summarize it i won't

like it anymore

like i already know i won't like it

anymore

what what do you mean you won't like it

if i summarize it you literally just

said that you liked it and it was fun

and i'm like let me summarize it and

you're like that will ruin everything it

will because if i hear it all condensed

at one time i'm gonna realize how

terrible it is

yeah so she works for a secret lab yep

um

the darkness

were they there to get her because

nothing yeah okay so the darkness shows

up to get her

they get her

she has all of their little darkness

babies

she kills the dude who

captured like you like raised her in

captivity

and then she moves to tuscany

yep

that's it you nailed it

yeah i'm gonna i don't know i'm gonna

let you just be the keeper of that book

um

i

listen but i also feel like there's a

lot of books that like when we review

them and like say

[ __ ] out loud the other person just like

what the [ __ ] did you even read but then

you're like but damn it actually reading

it

it wasn't like it was an

enjoyable experience it was yeah

yeah um

and i'm i'm

i want that for you hannah

and i'm glad you had that with this book

thank you so much

yeah

are we are we doing

bats are we doing ravens i was just

thinking i don't know what kind of scale

i think probably ravens

are we doing demon darkness babies

let's do ravens for those who don't know

i actually have a raven tattoo

i like ravens

yeah ravens are dope

yeah okay anyway the way you said it was

like uh

like you had this look on your face like

i don't even know how you're like oh i

but i i like ravens and i'm like

well yeah you don't have to not like

ravens

well this book was weird but like i said

it was different it was not like

anything else i had read before which is

part of why i appreciated it

so

i'm gonna go with

um

i don't know

maybe like

four out of seven ravens

i'm i'm probably going to go fewer

ravens

i'm not it's totally fair that's totally

fair

what i don't know like maybe

maybe three

out of out of more than seven

um

like you go four out of seven i go three

out of eight are they really that far

off from each other does doesn't matter

does any of this matter

no no it does nothing matters

nothing matters wow we're getting into

some deep philosophical [ __ ] about what

we do with our life and our time um i'm

having fun so that's all that matters

really

yes

yeah

yeah um

so that's it guys

i've stumped chelsea does this book

break me

chelsea appears broken i'm just she's

continuing to just blink at me i don't

i don't think this was the book for me

and that's totally okay it is okay yeah

that's okay it's it's cool to like other

things like it's cool to have difference

of opinions and to like things that like

not everyone has to like all of the same

things yeah and that's cool that there's

so many options that like everyone can

find something that's enjoyable for them

even if other people don't find that

that thing is enjoyable for them

um thank you for validating differences

in taste yeah anytime

um oh my god okay three out of eight

four out of seven

you tell us what your thoughts are smut

puppies

we really appreciate you smut [ __ ]

hopefully you weren't just sitting and

blinking at me the way chelsea was

and you know what if you were that's

okay we'll get you next time but

regardless stay safe out there and uh

keep reading smut i guess keep reading

smut we'll see you soon bye

well that's it for this week's mutt

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