Smut Club

foreign

[Music]

hello All You Beautiful People

what time it is

ladies and gentlemen

Guys and Dolls and everyone in between

gather round

something real nice to sip on and comfy

to slip on

cause it's time for smut Club

here's your hosts Chelsea and Anna

hey y'all how you doing today hey

everybody Welcome to smut club I'm

Hannah I'm Chelsea this is where we Day

drink and talk about trashy room

ensembles we read except being pregnant

only Hannah is day drinking and for

clarification too I am the one who is

pregnant

and because she's pregnant she's

drinking for two just to make sure we

clarify this no no I'm not pregnant I'm

drinking for Chelsea in solidarity thank

you I'm I'm drinking

Welch's sangria

while we're not sponsored by Welch's

it'd be a lot cooler if we were yeah we

would also love to be sponsored

by Boda box

um except because I'm not drinking the

box was really old and Hannah poured

like one Sip and a look on her face I

was like we don't we you can just throw

it out you don't need to drink that I'm

so sorry but it sounds like you're the

only one who drinks it

it was it was no longer to quote my

husband Rich rape and smooth nope no

although when I was like cleaning out

the sink I there was like a drop that

like got on my finger and I licked my

finger and I was like son of a [ __ ]

that's good

and then I was like do I have a problem

and I'm like no I I just haven't had

anything to drink in a minute months and

months and months and months and months

not that many months months and months

and months and months and months yeah

girl I said it five times and I'm five

months pregnant so fair enough fair

enough we go pardon me

um all right so today

we are reviewing pen pal by JT Geisinger

um I wish I had alcohol for this well

like I was texting Hannah about this

when I was reading it and was like

I was like Hannah that's a 35 Mark I was

like gonna recommend it and then I'm

like now I'm 60 in and I don't know if I

want to finish it and now that it's

finished I can't decide if I loved it or

I hated it

um

I was also describing it to my husband

around like the 35 Mark I was like okay

it's like this is what this is the

premise and this is what's happening and

like there's ghosts and creepy things

happening and we don't know and she's

like

um

uh like she's not a trustworthy narrator

and we like there's

ghosts and I'm things that's I can't

think of the other word paranormal yeah

that is creatures perfect I'm not drunk

and my husband was like oh so it's like

a sexy Scooby-Doo

I was like yeah

and then it took some turns and I was

like is that sexy or is it weird Okay so

instead of just giving vague things

let's just

please jump let's hop in

setting the scene

Kayla so we meet Kayla

um she is a children's book illustrator

we are meeting her the day of her

husband Michael's funeral oh

um yes like like the book opens she is

at his graveside like someone gives her

like a tissue like people are sobbing

and she's just kind of like shrouded in

grief doesn't really fully know what's

happening

um

we learned that there was an accident on

New Year's Eve but we don't necessarily

know what happened we just know there

was an accident on New Year's Eve she's

at her husband's funeral

um when she gets home there's a letter

like a mail letter to her from

Washington State Penitentiary

um and she's like

who brought the mail in like oh yeah and

she's like

but it's one of those things where she's

like honestly it was probably me she's

like I don't [ __ ] remember I am right

like my husband just died it says not my

priority I probably brought the mail in

our house cleaner Fiona probably brought

the mail in and I just like forgot how

to say out of mind so she opens the mail

and opens this letter and it just

um oh the name on the outside of the

envelope is Danton Alighieri what a name

what a name and I'm probably butchering

that last name there's a lot of [ __ ]

vowels in it

I'm like

I saw a tick tock yesterday where this

guy went through words in the English

English language that he feels like

should be spelled differently because

dyslexia yeah and it started with tongue

yes I stopped watching after tongue but

I saw that Tick Tock well by the end he

said I feel like the English language

should be like Wheel of Fortune you have

to pay more for a vowel this [ __ ] is

stupid

it's pretty funny and accurate yeah yeah

like

I saw something in the last week that

was like the word q is just the letter Q

followed by a bunch of vowels that are

unnecessary very much so very much so

so this letter is from Washington State

Penitentiary

um the name return address is not

Dante

this is gonna be fun I am I'm having fun

all right so I'll say I used to think

like when people would talk about

pregnancy brain that it wasn't I was

like that's just people being dramatic

it's the realest thing like I I will

like even when I was outlining this book

I would look down at what I wrote and I

would like be getting words mixed up and

like I'm like no like I know the order

but I'm like I was just typing really

fast and like

speaking is difficult and I forget words

and we'll get through it we will so

Dante not daunton

sucks to be you if your name is daunted

damn

um Danton alligary you said it again

just call him D or something Jesus my

husband's in the corner just like

nodding at Hannah

we're not that far in and this is

[ __ ] brutal

Dante damn it Dante Dante Dante

Alighieri I got it right that time right

you did you did so good so

Dante Alighieri has is the name on the

return address

um and the letter just says I'll wait

forever if I have to

uh and she's like

the [ __ ]

like I mean is it addressed to her

specifically yeah okay so this wasn't

like

dropped off at the wrong house or the

wrong address or something no it is like

addressed to her

from the State Penitentiary and she's

like what is

I don't I don't know what's happening so

you know I think as a lot of us do it

felt like a really human moment

she was shrouded in grief gets this

creepy letter and so she poured herself

a really large wine good for her drink

it went to bed

um when she wakes up in the morning

there's a like huge leak in the kitchen

and we find out

um before Michael passed away they had

bought this like 5 000 square foot

Victorian house that was like beautiful

and wonderful and they were gonna like

fix up together but it was definitely a

project house that took a lot

um

so she's like getting buckets to fix the

Bleak and then Fiona comes in Fiona is

her housekeeper who we are meeting and

like Fiona sees her and is like shocked

and she's like oh like are you are you

staying here like after like with like

whatever gonna happen like losing like

you're staying here

because and Kayla's like I mean like

yeah like for now like it's a lot of

house but like

it's mine it's mine I live here like I

probably don't need 5 000 square feet to

myself and I was I mean I was thinking

about it when I was reading it because

my husband like our house is like 2200

square feet on a basement that is

roughly

an extra thousand

um and a lot of like the basement is

like storage and such but

I was like

God forbid something ever happened to my

husband our house is way too [ __ ] big

for me I'm like and that's like a whole

extra house yeah like I was like I I

don't even know what I do with 5 000

square feet if my husband were alive

which she is

thankfully I love you

we should we should get him a mic at

some point because he sits there and

definitely has great commentary to be

added

um so Kayla's like yeah Fiona I'm

staying here like maybe not forever but

this is where I'm at for now

um Kayla decides to write Dante back

and is like

what are you waiting for

he's like I'll wait forever and she's

like

for what for for what color me intrigued

like what's this letter for like what is

this supposed to be

um then a week later she gets a response

and the letter just says you

well

okay

that's not I don't feel good about that

neither did she so she just put the

letter in her underwear drawer and moved

on with her life she's like okay that

does not dignify a response yes she's

like that's unsettling I don't know what

to do with this so she's like I'll just

put these letters in my underwear drawer

and pretend like I don't have them and

move on then over the next week like

we are getting haunted Victorian Mansion

vibes from this house like the lights

are flickering light bulbs are exploding

the doorbell keeps ringing and every

time it rings and like she like goes to

open the door

no one is there and so she calls a

handyman

we meet Eddie Eddie's a complete stoner

like everything is groovy

he's reeking of weed he's our Shaggy yes

he is the Shaggy and this sexy

Scooby-Doo

um and

she like Kayla keeps getting headaches

and so while he's going around and like

seeing what's up with the electricity

and all that stuff She lays down to like

handle her migraine

um

Eddie like walks in her bedroom not

realizing like she'd been laying down

and he was like oh yeah like I used to

have headaches all the time and

then I started seeing a therapist and

like I realized a lot of it was like

things I needed to process that were

weighing me down

um and she's like I don't know if I'm

gonna do that but thank you and he but

he also tells her

that the roof is far too large of a

project that he he's like this is

outside of my scope right he's like but

the good news is your electricity is

fine just like buy better light bulbs

she's like

but the lights keep flickering and the

bulbs keep exploding he's like yeah it's

probably because they're poor quality

like I checked everything it's fine go

see a therapist

kind of his energy right

um

and so she's like well thanks so much I

guess for nothing and then he leaves

um

she I'm not gonna lie

what I'm about to say is becomes

pertinent later in the book and so I

hadn't initially put it in my outline

but then later when it became permanent

nah

pertinent when it became

pertinent not permanent I knew what you

meant thank you thank you for that you

know I had a teacher when I was in like

eighth grade and he

um Mr miklos and I still remember him

talking about like he's like yeah what's

the point of correcting someone if you

knew what they meant you're just being

an [ __ ] right it's apparently he said

[ __ ] because like it was to a group

of like 13 year olds

but I always like really apprec he's

like why are you putting someone on

blast unnecessarily if you knew what

they were trying to communicate right

but I'm willing to put myself on blast

and if I keep calling people daunting

here we are so yeah when I realized it

was pertinent I was like oh I feel like

it happened somewhere around here but I

don't quite remember so gotcha if

someone decides to read this book and

then is

listening to the podcast don't come at

me for this if it's in the wrong spot

um but Kayla wakes up with some bruises

on her neck and like one is in like the

yeah like one isn't like the shape of

like a thumb print and she's like where

did these bruises come from and then

she's like trying to look it up and

online and it's like bruises can like it

can be a vitamin deficiency it can be

like like there's a lot of things that

could cause bruise like that could cause

you to bruise easily in the shape of a

hand around your neck

I didn't say the shape of the bruise is

what what happens with a vitamin

deficiency

I'm just giving myself a clear picture

she's clearly

discounting some evidence that she is

not safe there's a lot of justification

and a lot of like

I just must not be fully with it because

my head is in a million places because I

just lost my husband right

um

what happens from there

I don't know oh well I forgot when Eddie

was like yeah all the lights are fine

just go to therapy

when Eddie leaves all of the lights

start flickering and she's like what the

[ __ ]

um well she goes downstairs there's

another letter from the penitentiary and

when she picks it up all of the lights

in the house go out and she's like

well it's happening I love how giddy you

are telling me about that I attack with

my shoulders you do

my sister is a hairstylist and one time

she was doing my hair and this like pop

of a song came on I don't remember what

song it was but I just vividly remember

my sister going wow your shoulders are

really taken on a life of their own

there

and I don't think that's just my dancing

I think that's just my state of being

sure yeah sure you and Pat Benatar

sorry

she has a lot of shoulder moves there

are a lot of shoulder moves when you

said Pat Benatar I thought of um

during years ago there was this like it

was probably 10 years ago at this point

there was this like a YouTube clip

called moves like Jagger yeah or no it

was like do your best Jagger or

something like that and these dudes like

had a bet going and they could call do

your best Jack or any point you had to

stop what you're doing and do your best

Mick Jagger impression

but like they kept like becoming like

increasingly inappropriate places did

you like at like a funeral right one was

like during sex

that's what I also thought of

um

so she gets this letter mind you she put

the other ones in her underwear drawer

and was like this is weird I'm Not

Really Gonna engage with this

and then the letter is like you may

think we've never met but I know you in

every way someone can know another I

know the shape of your soul I can still

taste your skin there's like some poetry

[ __ ] thrown in there and you're like

this is

intimate

[Laughter]

well yeah I mean if a random

felon were to send me a letter to tell

me he remembers the taste of my skin I

would have a lot of questions about if

we're in a sort of uh Hannibal Lecter

situation am I in the Silence of the

Lambs what is happening right now

yeah that wouldn't feel like a romantic

Overture to me would you just put it in

your underwear drawer and move on I

honestly don't know what I would do I

feel like I would shred it I would like

feel like I'd like take photographic

evidence yeah and then be like this is

very unsettling so like Kayla her head

starts like running down the list of

like all of the potential reasons for

Dante's letter and she's like is it a

scam does he thinks I like have this

house that I like have money because I

don't have money she's like

she was like but he's not asking me for

money

what the hell so

she's like I don't [ __ ] know what to

do with this

um so while she's trying to like figure

this out there's a knock on the door

there is someone there this time it's

the roofing company

and they were like yeah we had an

opening a week early so we thought we'd

come out and take a look

here we meet Aiden

um layrite Lee right I don't it has a

lot of vowels everything in this book

has a lot of vowels

well Aiden is one of our top three most

common names for a

a male character in these books so that

is also

yeah we've we've reviewed have we

reviewed a book with Maiden before I

know I've definitely I reread the wall

of Winnipeg and me

by Mariana Zapata like two weeks ago and

right that's Aiden

we've made a lot of references to the

name Aiden but I don't know that we've

actually had a book with the with a male

character named Aiden Stone Aiden Black

Blackstone

Stone that's master of bone and salt

yeah there's a lot of those it's like

it's like you know there's more names

right

um so we meet Aiden the roofer dude he's

pretty Gruff there's like this like

you're like

is this banter or do you guys not like

he like do you hate each other like it's

like very like quick-witted but he's

like it's 10 grand and she's like I

don't have 10 grand

and he's like okay bargain with me and

she's like

two grand and he's like 9999.

and she's like if I don't have 10 grand

I don't have one dollar less like he can

tell she's not in a good place things

are not going great

and he's like he's pretty Gruff and

pretty rude and she kind of calls him

out on it and he leaves

um and well he leaves not her house

sorry I'm

give me a second to remember what

happened

um he he leaves her like she calls him

out for being rough he's like okay well

like let me go like look at everything

and like figure it out he's like but

it's a big project it's probably going

to be 10 grand it's like kind of what's

Happening Here she definitely has this

moment of grief

she while he's going and like

assessing the situation that's what

happened I got ahead of myself I don't

think he gave her the quote yet he

showed up was like kind of a Gruff

[ __ ] and then like she's like doesn't

say my husband just died but like it's

like kind of about to burst into tears

and he's like oh

okay I'm gonna go see how about the

damage is nice to meet you so she sends

a letter back

to Dante that's essentially like I don't

know you I have no money please don't

contact me again

I'm gonna get the like a detective

friend of mine involved if this

continues

um

and then puts the letter in the mail

when she comes back in that's when Aiden

gives her the quote for like gotcha ten

Grand and she's like

yeah I don't have that but like he can

tell like she's not doing well she's not

in a great spot so he's like

all right I know a guy who can do it for

five grand

and she's like is he licensed and

insured and he's like it's me I'm I'm

the guy like

oh I'll be here tomorrow to do it

whatever and he leaves

he shows up the next morning there's

definitely more like sarcastic back and

forth between them

um like he's still pretty Gruff

she's like should I write the check to

Godzilla and he's like should I bill it

to the dragon lady with sad eyes like

jeez dude right and I was like Dragon

lady was far enough we did not have to

comment on her emotional state damn dude

yeah that's where I'm like

is this banter because this doesn't it

feels hurt

ful badger

which I guess is just sarcasm right with

like

sarcasm always has that curdle of truth

that depending on on how it's presented

you're like oh yeah this doesn't feel

like good-natured banter I guess is what

I'm saying

that is very fair and so when he's like

should I build it to the dragon lady

with sad eyes she's like you should

leave

she's like I don't think this is like a

gonna be a good thing right just let my

house fall down at this point just get

away from me yes and so she's like or

what he's like all right I'll leave but

like call me if you change your mind

your roof clearly has a leak that needs

to be fixed

um so she goes she decides she's going

to go visit a local grief group

and

try and join a support group after the

passing of her husband she meets a woman

named Madison who's like not really like

no one else in the meeting is really

like talking to Madison or engaging with

her

um but we also learn like

Madison's at the group because her like

daughter was like her four-year-old was

abducted and never oh God yeah like and

then

um Kayla's like so is this group helpful

for you and Madison's like what do you

think and so Kayla's like I think I'm

gonna leave like right like this was a

mistake yes so she goes

she leaves the grief group does not stay

for it goes to the bar across the street

guess who's there is it Aiden it's Aiden

the roofer who are my stars we're all so

surprised

that was sarcasm see see there was a

curdle you nailed it

I did yeah nailed it

um he comes over to her at the bar they

start talking

he asks where her husband is because

she's still wearing her wedding ring

and she just gives a vague like he left

me like doesn't like go into all the

details doesn't tell him anything

um he can tell she's about to cry so he

like leads her away from the bar back to

the booth that he'd been sitting in

and then definitely starts hitting on

her very aggressively like like tells

her like he finds her attractive wants

to take her home and make her come

which I'm like

bold move my guy bold move interesting

choice the dragon lady with the sad eyes

however I bet I could turn that frown

upside down like what

sorry I just really liked that we went

frown upside down after like her husband

died well that's what I'm saying that's

why it's so ludicrous but I guess he

doesn't know that her husband is dead

yeah that is very true

um he like gives her a little kiss

that feels electric or some [ __ ] like

that they always do

the electric jolt when our skin touched

right my notes literally say gives her a

little kiss that feels electric actually

I meant to say little kiss I

accidentally wrote title kiss

but the sentiment holds

and then my notes say she is like wow

that is bold and and he is like but also

accurate like it's kind of the general

she's like no you're really coming on

strong and he's like all right well like

let me know if you change your mind if

you do I actually live Above This Bar of

course he does of course he does

she decides to leave says goodbye

and that they do know like she says

goodbye he says good night

like she's like goodbye he's like good

night like okay like it's not as

permanent as goodbye okay

feels like semantics but all right

isn't that what a lot of these books are

yeah I guess

um I think it's home

finds a letter in the mailbox at least

they're not like showing up in their

house yes Dante

from the state penitentiary

um is like I can't answer your questions

but I'll always tell you the truth like

here's this like Poetic stanza like what

do you think like these letters you're

like what is he what this makes no sense

so

this is around the part where my husband

called it sexy Scooby-Doo she goes to

bed and then wakes up hearing the

floorboards creaking like on the on the

stairs don't like that no not at all

and so like she goes into her bathroom

gets the flashlight that they kept under

the sink or something okay I'm like that

where most people keep their flashlights

I don't know what do you have a

flashlight yeah

where do you keep it

we have one in our linen closet and one

in our bedroom on the dresser

on the dresser we had a power outage not

that long ago and we just never put it

away

that answers I was like I was like one

if you and your husband are doing some

freaky [ __ ]

I mean nope I'm gonna leave it alone I'm

gonna

own is what I'm gonna do but okay it is

I'm like it does feel like if you have

like your linen closet in your bathroom

or something like that I don't know when

like when I was reading it it's a weird

detail to get caught up on but I was

like

why is the flashlight in the bathroom

where's your flashlight

if you say your bedroom

I will not say my bedroom

um I know my husband has one or two in

the basement sure

we have like a Cleaning Supply Closet by

our front door and that has like a

basket filled with like all of like the

small ones that like we've somehow

collected over time there was a year

where my husband was gifted two

flashlights for Christmas nice

um one was like just like a stocking

stuffer from my parents and this was

like our first year of marriage

um and my aunt always spends Christmas

with us so my husband gets like one

flashlight in his stocking and he's like

dope cool whatever it's a flashlight and

then my aunt actually like gifted him a

flashlight that like he like had to

unwrap and then

it's like the first Christmas and he's

trying to be chill and like figure out

like my family Dynamics at the holidays

and she's like I'm so sorry I wouldn't

have gotten you a flashlight if I knew

you were already going to get one and

he's like no no no it's so he's like you

know working in like event production

like you never know when you're gonna

like he like

sold it very well and like when we like

got home he's like

do you think I made it okay

it was like the purest thing I was like

yeah and

you really can't have too many little

flashlights on hand it's true I think

our problem is that like we don't need

them very often and then I never change

the batteries so having a lot of

flashlights is really not that helpful

right

it's none of them work

well we could go on a whole thing about

where you keep your batteries but I want

to hear more about sexy Scooby-Doo

why does where do you keep your

batteries feel like a far more intimate

question I know I realized it as I said

it I was like oh I didn't like that for

the record we keep those in the Cleaning

Supply Closet as well

noted I guess we were gifted I think the

following Christmas like one of those

like industrial battery Keepers where

you can like put like all different

sizes and like you can even test the

voltage is that the word that I'm going

for

um yeah I think I think my mom just like

went in to Costco and it's like I'm

gonna [ __ ] [ __ ] up today and then we all

got it

um but yeah so anyway she goes into the

bathroom gets the flashlight gets

dressed

and like feels like she's being watched

and she's like this is like creepy this

is unsettling I'm in this 5 000 square

foot house alone not here for this [ __ ]

she grabs her keys takes off

um and then where do you think she ended

up Hannah did she go to Aiden's yeah

yeah she did yeah

I I wish there was a bigger plot twist

here but it's exactly what we expected

so she goes to Aiden's

it's raining outside because they live

outside Seattle like of course

um she tells him the whole story of I

mean not the not the dead husband part

of the story but like the creepy

my floorboards were creaking I felt like

I was there and someone was watching me

he's very calm very supportive

um gives her some dry clothes to wear

she gets bold and decides to like drop

the towel he gave her to dry off and

they start going at it of course they do

I wanted this like a week after her

husband's funeral

let's give her some credit let's go two

weeks well I mean I'm not saying that

it's bad or wrong I'm just saying like

this feels like a I'm not I'm not saying

it's bad or wrong

what I am saying is I have a very hard

time conceptualizing being in a place

where I could be intimate with someone

else two weeks after my husband passed

away right that's what I'm saying yeah

like I can't identify with that but also

I'm not here to judge how people process

their grief

that's the therapist in you I know it is

I I yep

and by not judging how people process

their grief you mean in session you keep

your [ __ ] together then afterwards you

call me and you're like listen to this

[ __ ] I just had the weirdest [ __ ]

session of my life

um yeah so they start going at it he

very much like very dominant in the

bedroom takes control very like

they're like I I think the thing

that that killed the sexy Scooby-Doo for

me in this book is that they're

wasn't a single sexual encounter that I

conceptualized as arousing got it okay

um because I I wrote down the quote I

don't know he stops licking to suckle my

[ __ ] like he's drawing milk from a

nipple

Jesus Christ

I hated everything about that I hated

everything about that I have so many

least favorite parts of that sentence

you just

you just compared your your [ __ ] to a

nipple Jesus

he stops licking stop don't say it again

I think I'm just still processing like

I'm the one who read the book and wrote

the quote and I'm like

really oh my god

um they bone also there's like no

concern about a condom like there's no

like conversation about I'm like what is

that also usually will throw me out of a

scene like

if there's no discussion about like any

kind of birth control or like are you

clean it's like two lines like can we

not just say those two lines so then I

can like we can just all be on board

with whatever stuff it is one without

I'm like and I was like not each time

unless like each time you're like I hear

the crinkle of the condom wrapper I was

like okay I can work with that right but

this like

I was like wait what this first time

like that's the part that like always

suspends belief for me yeah but also if

it doesn't suspend belief for you no

judgment I do have some questions all

right all right true story I once had a

counseling client

oh God

who

was

um having sex with a new sexual partner

and

it still makes me laugh to this day I'm

terrified I don't know well he was like

do we need a condom and she was like

yeah yeah we do like oh God and then

like in the height of passion he like

Whispers in her ear you make me want to

get tested

oh no oh oh no I was like is that what

did it for you and she was like

I don't think I'm gonna see him again I

was like that feels like a fair

assessment I was like there's nothing

sexy about that

like you I was like this is your first

time sleeping with her and you're like

that fixing it on Raw dogging it so now

they're like a few months ago or last

year at some point

there was that trend on on Tick Tock

where everybody was using the sound that

was like Hey little mama let me whisper

in your ear that's all I can think right

now okay

you make me want to get tested

I'm like

I on I I don't know if I could keep a

straight face no I wouldn't no okay no

so

back into this scene with the milk

nipple [ __ ]

I heard it yeah

yeah they bone he like tells her she's

staying the night like oh well he's

still lodged inside her

when better to make demands really

I don't know if there is a better time

yeah probably like we said that a little

sarcastically but then I'm also like

also there's there's our kernel of truth

there's our kernel of Truth compliance

oh oh

so much about this

um they talk there's a little bit of

banter they have round two this also

like

part of their like sexual

scene if you will is

he's like oh like you're my little bunny

and she's like you gotta catch me and

she like runs around his apartment and

he like catches her and like she calls

him her lion

and he calls her his little bunny or his

little rabbit I hate that there's some

light spanking yeah I'm like I hate it

deeply yeah

um so they shower together after all of

this they kind of have a heart to heart

he tells her

um he'd never hurt her

he does vaguely allude to like he hurt

his father

we don't know the full details of that

but like it like to like protect his

mother

he hurt his father or something of that

capacity

and she's like

I'd never judge you for keeping someone

safe

like what is happening um also I would

like to know only now after they've

already had a few rounds of sex do they

talk about being clean in STDs and

chances of pregnancy

and then he makes her breakfast it's a

little late

for that yeah I'm like a day late and a

dollar short

oh and I hope you got that dollar

because you're gonna need Plan B because

you didn't have that conversation right

Lord help us

um so they go back to Kayla's house

he insists on like going through and

checking it and making sure everything

is fine everything is safe blah blah

blah

um he tells her he has a friend who

installs security systems

um and he's gonna call his friend to

come out help her out give her a good

give her not give her a good deal

because she offers to pay and he tells

her like it's emasculating and she's

like

well can I pay you like like can I can I

pay your friends for the security system

can I pay you for the roof and he's like

no like

I'm a man

okay

and then tells her if she brings that

paying again she'll get spanked

so does she bring up paying again

well I don't want to ruin the book can I

there's a lot of staying spoilers yeah

there's a lot of spanking in this book

um we then meet Jake Jake is Aiden's

best friend since like high school he is

installing the security system she's

like I don't really want anything fancy

ask Jake about what it cost

and then he goes Aiden said you know

what'll happen if you mention money

I was like does Jake know what'll happen

because if right like ah sir

yes now it is like Jake is very

protective of Aiden he's like Aiden's

had a really rough life he deserves all

of the best in the world I like don't

[ __ ] him over I want to make sure like

he like sees her wedding ring and it's

like

he's my best friend like I'm very

productive of him

um they

they decide on the security system he

starts working on it and then as they're

like shaking hands and figuring out what

their deal is moving forward she like

looks out past her him into the window

into her yard

and there's someone like watching her

from her yard oh yes and so someone is

watching her

and then like she like turns back to

Jake and then turns back to the window

and the person's gone

sexy Scooby-Doo

it's not

so wow Jake is installing the security

system Kayla goes to investigate her

yard

she goes over to where

um like the tree where the dude had been

standing and it's rainy because it's

Seattle

um

and it's really muddy but there's like

no footprints in the mud at all she's

like what like there's no tracks that

anyone was here

um she does look down and sees a 1937

type D Buffalo nickel okay in the mud

and she picks it up and she knows

exactly what it is and knows all of

those specific details because her

husband always carried it in his pocket

it was like his good luck charm like

it's like a nickel that has some

Rarity thing so it's like worth like

twenty five hundred dollars or like

something like that so like she knows

the specifics of it we learn a little

bit more about harassment at some point

like he worked at the University as a

professor he's like a [ __ ] like math

genius or something like genius IQ very

academic highbrow level

um

so then she's like freaking out because

she's like

where did this nickel come from that it

is like in the mud where this dude had

been watching me

um she asked Jake she's like

can I get like motion sensor

notifications through the app and he's

like yeah but then it's like a lot of

logistics of like but it'll like you'll

also get the squirrels that run past and

she's like yeah maybe we'll like I'll

turn that feature on in the future

um and then Jake's like all right well

like hope I see you around because

Aiden frequently feels like the third

wheel with me and my wife and

great to meet you

um Aiden gets to her place later that

night says he's like so sorry my meeting

went long I'm gonna go put like a tarp

on the roof and she's like but it's dark

and he's like

okay

so and she's like well what if you fall

like it's dark out right right right and

he's like well one I don't fall

two

what happens if I do like why why does

that matter like kind of just being like

getting her to admit that like she cares

so she in which I'm like her husband

just died man this all feels real soon

um yeah he puts the tarp up she writes

another letter to Dante like responding

while he's putting the tarp up it's very

rambling like it's just a lot of like I

don't really know what's up what's down

I'm like not doing well Everything feels

chaotic like just kind of that kind of

energy

um but then she's like do I send it do I

not she's like I'm just gonna put it in

my desk drawer like not gonna send this

letter

um

then Aiden it like it felt like Aiden

like puts the tarp up and like leaves

without saying goodbye and she's like

what like that

why did you leave without saying goodbye

like yeah that's weird right all of it's

kind of weird

um it's like she's not thrilled about it

she's sitting there with the buffalo

nickel trying to figure out her life

trying to figure out how her dead

husband's buffalo nickel ended up in the

yard with a dude I've been watching her

that she hears the floorboards Creek in

her bedroom above her head

like someone is walking above her I

don't I don't like that

no neither did Scooby-Doo or Kayla or

yeah

yeah that's fair so

um she like checks makes sure that her

new alarm system is indeed armed

um

like here's it again goes to check

nothing is out of place

um and so she's like so weird and when

she goes downstairs and like turns on

her kitchen lights all of the cabinet

doors are open

all of the doors are open all the

cabinet doors are open and she's like

feels like she's being watched suddenly

like a jar of honey flies off the shelf

shatters on the ground

so this isn't relevant to this whole

parent well it is but so my husband back

in the day he was a manager for a

department that had 24-hour shifts so

every now and then he would have to go

in on Third and cover right and there's

one building where he worked where

nobody really like no patients were

there it was a healthcare facility no

patients lived there or stayed there or

anything

um but sometimes staff would use it

um if they had like a second to first

shift or something like that so they

would use it for breaks or they would

use it to sleep instead of driving all

the way home

so when he knew whenever he worked third

and he knew that someone was staying

there would he [ __ ] with them he would

[ __ ] with them 100 because the rumor was

that that building was haunted anyway so

he would like open all the kitchen

cabinets

he would put all of the chairs on top of

the kitchen table

um it was like a little cabin situation

so he put all the the chairs on the

kitchen table he once spelled help with

wooden coffee stirrers

did people ever catch on that it was him

no

incredible just the legend that that

building was haunted gained More Steam

I would lose my [ __ ] like if I were like

the one sleeping there

then those things happened yeah

hey there's my puppies

we'll get you right back to the show in

just a moment but first

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because you know the first rule of smug

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all right I won't keep you any longer

let's get back to the show

[Music]

like

in my heart I wanna believe that I'd be

like there's a rational explanation

someone is just like pulling pranks

right I don't but I don't I don't know

if that would be the case it would freak

me out

much like a freaked Kayla out so she

understandably ran into her office like

locks the door wedges herself between

like the couch and the wall and just

like sits there and like trembles until

sunrise

um but in the morning she wakes up like

starts kind of

rationalizing things and like doesn't

really trust her memory and she's like

maybe I opened all of the drawers like I

don't know like I'm not I haven't been

in a good place

um

she starts cleaning up the kitchen and

sits down to work on um one of her

illustrative projects to meet her

deadline

um but instead of like working on the

illustrative project she starts

sketching the dude that had been in her

yard and she's like he looks like

Vaguely Familiar but I can't like I

can't figure it out I can't place it

um she does look at on her desk a

wedding photo of her and Michael and she

notices on her arm there's a thumb print

shaped bruise

in the picture in the picture from her

wedding photo and she's like I feel like

I'm missing something here like I'm

missing a piece of all of this

um Aiden calls he tells her to come over

she's like okay I'll be there in 10 I'm

like what we really

whatever

so they bang I imagine yeah I'm just

like not a huge fan of them

but like they are the book but that like

obviously there's a lot of other stuff

to the book but I'm like

it's been like two weeks man I don't

know

he answers the door like she jumps on

and like they like jump on each other

immediately

she asked why he left out saying goodbye

he like doesn't like really give her an

answer

um they decide on a safe word

cheesy

no cheesy is their safe word terrible

I couldn't keep a straight face saying

that no no bubbles

um he like tells her she's his that

she'll orgasm when he tells her she can

come

um says he wants all of her like

physical emotional Spirit like just this

very I'm like very possessive I'm like

okay

you offered her a deal on her roof you

guys met at a bar she freaked out y'all

[ __ ] once you came back to her house

you're telling her she's yours like

right

I just can't get into it um

um but he's like I want all of you and

she's like okay and he's like you're not

ready yet like he does have the

wherewithal to recognize like I want

these things with you something's going

on right it doesn't really seem like

you're there but that doesn't prevent

them from having great sex he cleans her

after the sex how do you feel about

those scenes when like they like go get

like a a wet washcloth

um

I feel like there are some times yeah it

depends it depends sometimes it's like

that's really sweet and thoughtful and

other times it's like

yeah I don't like it no that's very fair

he falls asleep after this she's laying

awake wondering if she was a good wife

like having kind of this like a digital

crisis

um we then learn while she's sitting

there pondering all this that her

husband fell off their boat and drowned

yes and she was with him

and like heard laughter all around her

but she's like who could I tell that to

I'd sound [ __ ] crazy and it's very

Double Jeopardy yeah do you remember

that Ashley Judd movie

wasn't it actually cut it was Ashley

yeah thank you was it it was a judge

sister it wasn't Winona was it Winona it

was not Winona

sorry and then like the boat had like

drifted off in the dark kind of energy

um in the morning

there's more sex it's also now escalated

where like she's calling him like sir or

master in the bedroom uh

so here's the thing right like I I'm not

I don't kink shame no you do your thing

and at the same time usually when an

honorific like that is used there's a

big discussion beforehand about that

happening

yeah like the context for it and what it

means and what it entails they clearly

skipped several steps

I feel like that's the theme of their

relationship right like he like tells

her to like ask permission to speak and

like she needs permission to speak like

in sexual scenes like not like okay okay

needs permission to come

she sits on his face which is apparently

a first for her because he's like sit on

my face and she's like

permission to speak and he's like

yeah and she's like I don't know how to

do that

I'm like it's it's gravity baby girl

like

day 69 orgasms all around

okay I thought we could just wrap that

scene up real fast thank you they

discussed their relationship

um again a little too late

uh yeah it's like all of their

conversations are like the post-coinal

Afterglow and I'm like no no

we needed a pre-coital

not post right pre

um

but he's also like

in this conversation he's like I'm

really into you but like I don't want to

get hurt and like should I call it now

because I know you have some [ __ ] you

need to like work through um they talk

about it over breakfast he tells her

he's building a house

um on the island so like he's living

above the bar while he's working on

building this house because he's doing a

lot of it single-handedly

um they once again

talk about like the parameters of their

relationship because she's like can I

see the house there am I allowed to see

the house like what what are we where

are we yeah

um she gets in her car and drives home

but when she gets in her car on the

dashboard of her car is the 1937 d-type

Buffalo Nickel nope

no Hannah that's what happened you can't

just say nope that is the book no I

don't like that

that's creepy yes I mean I usually like

creepy things but that's different level

of creepy well so like she freaks out

because she vividly remembers putting

the quarter in her drawer also worth

noting because I think I forgot to say

this earlier that like

um she'd specifically ask Fiona like not

to clean Michael's office she's like I'm

not ready to go in there I'm not ready

to touch anything and she's like that's

where the nickel would have been so like

right

how do they get out

and nickel is following her then Nicole

is following her not someone's placing

the nickel no the nickel is fine the

nickel itself is sentient and following

her yes so she gets home she like looks

out the window into her backyard and

there's like a little boy playing in her

backyard don't like that either

and she's like what like where is this

child's mom

so she goes outside and then like the

boy is gone she can't find the little

boy

it was just playing in her backyard is

this having like a stress-induced

psychotic episode right now

maybe maybe not I'm not going to ruin

the book for you

um but she's like I'll check the

security tape and so when she goes to

check the security tape

it's all fuzzy like it's all like

there's no footage

like it's all pixelated or like static

or something yeah

um in the morning the alarm goes off

like waking her up and Fiona is there to

clean and

Fiona turns off like the house alarm

and Kayla's like how did you get the

code like how did you know the code it

was like how do you how do you think I

got the code

okay let's like I guess I gave it to you

I just don't remember and Fiona's like

yeah

you did sure like kind of I don't know

just like this weird interaction I I

[ __ ] with Fiona well we'll learn more

about Fiona

um

like Fiona can tell that Kayla's out of

sorts and she's like maybe there's a

ghost in the house right she's like do

you believe in ghost and Kayla's like I

don't I don't think I believe in ghosts

and Fiona's like well they believe in

you like

yeah and so

Fiona's like maybe we should have a

seance like get rid of the ghost in the

house like have these things been

happening have you like noticed like

lights flickering and things moving and

like are you having lapses in your

memory and she's like

yeah into all of the above yes and

Fiona's like well my sister is a medium

and like of course she is yes

um and Fiona's like yeah I'll call my

sister we'll see what happens if you're

if you're engaging with the ghost it's

important to not tell the ghosts they're

dead they don't always like that

I just love Fiona you're like it's a

very Sixth Sense thing to say yes yes it

is

like they're talking about like how

temperamental ghosts are

um that it's humans jobs like help them

find closure

um but yeah like

Kayla tells Fiona about like the

headaches and the memory loss and like

also about like the little boy in the

yard and all like The Oddities that have

been happening

um and then she because she's like I

don't know here's the thing I you never

know what the [ __ ] Kayla's gonna do

Kayla isn't like you know what I should

do I should mail my rambling letter to

Dante my prison pen pal

okay not daunton Dante I got better see

um

and then she like goes to mail the

letter to Dante and then suddenly it

Dawns on her that like she's like maybe

the ghost is Michael

good and you're like oh

maybe who can say so it's now oh

brilliant deductive reasoning there

Kayla listen Kayla's making it at this

point

um is she

Kayla's barely making it at this point

she it's a week later

she gets a letter from Dante

um

and oh because I think in her rambling

letter she like said something like what

are you in jail for like I don't even

know and he's like I'm I'm in jail for

loving someone too much and doing nope

and doing what love required of me that

is a more emphatic no than the sentient

nickel for me

yeah nope

doing what love required of me I nope

um Aiden calls and he's like why haven't

you called me

and she's like uh was I so like what was

I supposed to and he's like well I was

giving you space to sort yourself out

but then I hadn't heard from you and

like

then they're just kind of she's like

well you could have called me bro and so

he's like all right well come over now

like get get here because I miss my

sweet bunny

I just [ __ ] I hate it I really hate

it

um oh then my notes say I don't know man

long oddly aggressive sex scene where

she calls a master he chases his Bunny

and kicks in the bedroom door

ends with anal

bedroom door and this like game they're

playing he kicks in his own bedroom door

he's committed to the game

I'm like I know like sexual scene like

like yeah like it's I'm like

that's just a lot man

you're like [ __ ] kicked in your own

bedroom door

she starts crying after sex just from

like the emotional overload he asks what

she needs

um they talk a little bit about him like

walking away mid-conversation like not

necessarily answering her questions like

because I think that's that's the other

part that's like really frustrating me

reading this is that like he's very

Elusive and so it's very much like

you're my little bunny I want all of you

but like you don't get all of me yeah

like we don't [ __ ] know any like

they're not from what we're reading like

there's not real conversations happening

I'm like they're just banging yes yeah

like which is fair that's fine but like

which is fine but like oddly

aggressively intimate for people that

you're like have we built that intimacy

no no we [ __ ] have him Chelsea said

let me answer that question for you the

answer is no it wasn't rhetorical here's

your answer

he draws her a bath gets her his one

gets her a wine it's like

bringing in cheese for her to nibble on

well now I'm on board with Aiden you're

like he passes that's the shift do I

have to call him Master maybe will he

hand feed me cheese in the bathtub worth

it

um

she like is debating telling him about

Michael and is like I should give him

more detail he does admit we do

officially learn he killed his father

nice to protect his mother because his

dad was an abusive piece of [ __ ]

um he assumes like Michael is hurting

her from kind of like the vague things

that she's saying and is like I'll kill

him for you

well that escalated right he's like I'm

falling for you I'll kill him for you

after the bathtub he goes down on her

I I really hate the term

[ __ ] nibbling

I feel like that right

and I feel like that's on your face the

Grimace oh my God okay

nibble is a word I do not [ __ ] with in

sex scenes and books nibble and slippery

should be banned

I can deal with slippery I cannot deal

with slippery

Slippery Nipples the worst

I hated everything about that

um so the next morning he takes her to

see his property it's beautiful like the

frame is up there's no drywall or

anything yet

um he asks if she wants kids in the

future they're just

right like it all feels disjointed yeah

she tells him that she had a miscarriage

when she was pretty far along

um but then like like the memories

blocked like she can't remember all of

it and

she is like kind of freaked out by that

no she lost her child at some point

um they kiss it heats up the weird bunny

sex thing continues

literally here are the quotes I have

from this scene and I hate everything

about this and I apologize in advance

such a hungry lion I hope you can run on

an empty stomach she takes off into the

woods he catches her

real quote my naughty little rabbit

needs to get [ __ ] in the woods doesn't

she I'm going to [ __ ] you so hard bunny

you're going to take your Master's [ __ ]

on your hands and knees totally naked in

the middle of the Woods

I hate you a little bit I just looked

over at my husband and he's just slowly

nodding in the corner like he's like

what the [ __ ] are you reading

oh my god oh also that's not the end of

the scene Jesus Christ can it be

I'll wrap it up real quick that's what

she said

apparently she didn't I've had no

conversations about rapping oh

um so like she gets away again in the

woods he catches her he holds her

against a tree while he spanks her ass

and continues once again I think in a

very non-sexy way

more quotes my little [ __ ] [ __ ] time to

take your Masters come there's one thumb

in her ass one thumb in her mouth

well he [ __ ] her in the woods

I know it's not a question I wish you

guys can see Chelsea's hand gestures

right now because they're so exaggerated

they're just oh my God

the scene was exaggerated enough I

didn't need that

I mean

I also feel like Vance and I have been

unintentionally mirroring each other

just putting our heads in our hands and

shaking our heads because we need it to

stop

[Laughter]

my outline like my notes just say there

is

nothing arousing

like

I was like oh I think that was around

the part that I was like I changed my

mind I can't I can't do this do I even

want to finish this book

um he does break like he breaks down

afterwards and like gets really

emotional and then like it's like that

was too much and we we really didn't

talk about

sexual boundaries in that capacity and

then she's like comforting him and it's

like no like I was here for it

um they go back to his place they shower

again he bandages all of her wounds from

the cuts and scrapes

from the forest floor sure yeah

um Kayla gets home she finds Fiona

cleaning Michael's office oh no and

she's like didn't I ask you not to clean

in here and Fiona's like did you I don't

remember

and Kayla's like yeah please leave this

office alone and she's like okay no big

deal

so

um Fiona's like hey I spoke to my sister

about the Seance she said we need to do

it at the next full moon which is like

three weeks from now and Kayla's like I

don't think we need to do the Seance I

think I'm gonna try therapy instead good

call right

um

Fiona how will a therapist help your

ghost problem

I'm like I just love

Fiona's energy out here

um this whole conversation is still

happening in Michael's office and

um Kayla looks on Michael's desk and

sees like a newspaper folded over and

it's an article that has like a picture

of Michael that says local man drowns

and she's like hasn't seen this

newspaper article before is like very

upset about it

um but it's also like I don't remember

bringing this paper and like did

fionaire like how did this paper end up

on my dead husband's desk about my dead

husband

um she goes up to her bedroom

and sees like a human body shaped like

indent like on like the side of the bed

that like Michael always slept on like

that's been made this whole time right

um

like the the doorbell keeps ringing no

one is there she's just like getting

more and more frazzled so she she calls

Eddie for his therapist recommendation

Stoner handyman Eddie she's like hey man

what you got for me she's like he sounds

high as [ __ ]

um and he's like yeah my therapist's

name is Dr David Letterman and she's

like

like the guy on TV and he's like no like

my therapist

we're here for Eddie we really are um

so but she's like I can tell Eddie's hi

this conversation's not really going

anywhere

um but he like tells her like he's like

yeah he's in this office building at

this intersection so when they hang up

um she tries to go online she cannot

find Dr David Letterman online and show

so she's like okay you know what instead

I'm just going to go to the office

building and see

if I can like schedule an appointment

there so as she like pulls up to the

office building and parks and is getting

out of her car there's a restaurant

across the street and when she turns

around she sees Aiden walking in with

his armor around a curvy brunette uh oh

and she's like oh [ __ ] and like hops in

her car like he's like I'm just gonna

leave

never mind right but it's like sitting

in her car kind of freaking out there's

a knock on her window

Aiden saw her

and I was like what are you doing here

she's like oh I was just out running

errands and he's like why are you lying

to me like there's clearly and he's like

he's very unhappy that she's lying to

him

um

and then she's like

I saw you on a date I didn't want to be

weird it's weird I'm just gonna go and

he's like get out of the car and she's

like okay so she follows him into the

restaurant we then meet Deb it was

Jake's wife oh yes that like they've all

known each other since high school Deb

is super excited to meet her it's like

I've heard so much about you oh my gosh

and then Kayla ends up joining them for

dinner and then she's like Kayla's kind

of sitting there pondering how she got

here because life has escalated a lot

that like her husband died now she's on

this like [ __ ] double date yeah we

took a sharp left yes she like

I'm just kind of sitting there like

zoned out spinning her wedding ring like

having an existential crisis and clearly

like misses a question that Deb asks so

she's like what sorry yeah sure whatever

and Deb's like I need to go to the

bathroom why don't you come with me do I

think it's weird the girls always go to

the bathroom together sure it's never

been my thing I've never I've never

needed a companion to travel with me to

the bathroom

not for those reasons

like well I'm also like how long is your

girl talk gonna [ __ ] be right

I don't know I even our Middle School

bathroom like the girl's bathroom had a

couch in it what

not a nice couch

maybe I misremembering

I don't I don't know but that seems like

a lot it was it was a lot I I do

remember feeling that

um

so she goes to the bathroom with Deb

Deb's just like a sweet angel baby who

we love

um

when they get back to the table like

Aiden and Jake like stop talking very

quickly like I have clearly been in an

argument

and then Jake confronts her about like

don't like toy with my my man here he's

my best friend he's been through a lot

of [ __ ] he deserves everything in the

world so like

what are what the [ __ ] are you doing

like clearly like looking at her wedding

ring and she's like

sorry I've been through like a really

big life transition recently I'm

separated from my husband

um

that still doesn't really like tell has

not told anyone that her husband is dead

I'm not understanding that why are we

not just saying that

yeah exactly that's like a lot of

conversation you're like it'd really

clear a lot of [ __ ] up if you just like

admitted this yeah

um but what she does also say at the

table is like

oh she's like I'm really struggling

through this big life transition but I

will

say

sorry y'all here's what just happened

I'm gonna tell you all of the details of

what just happened I felt something

crawl and hit my foot

yeah it was Hannah's wedding ring that's

like a silicone ring that fell off her

hand when she was playing with it I'm

gonna grab it real fast

but it's like a darker it's a really

pretty ring thank you yes I really like

it um it's like a purple and green

iridescent

but the way it was rolling and the way

it felt on my foot I thought like a

cockroach was crawling on my foot and I

was trying to keep my [ __ ] together and

then it fell on its side and it was just

Hannah's ring

so sorry I will say my husband plays

with his silicone wedding ring all the

time and like we were in a Mexican

restaurant and I just see it like like

mid-conversation where they're with his

parents I see it just like fly out of

his hand and I was like

well that's gone like I was like we're

not crawling around this Mexican

restaurant fun to fiddle with it is it's

just enjoyable I'll try to not do that

right now no when um when I'm working

out a lot I'll wear like my silicone

ring and I feel like I'm always like

playing with it yeah

I don't know anyone who has a silicone

ring who doesn't play with it but I will

say I want thousand percent thought that

ships a cockroach on my foot and was

like keep it together Chelsea you're

fine

um okay so she like admits that she's

had this big life transition she

separated from her husband but then she

also tells them she's like yeah when I

saw

um

when I saw Aiden have his arm around Deb

I like it really made me realize how

much I care about him how in this I am

and how much I like want to be in this

and agent's like me too and then they

kiss

and then she looks over his shoulder and

sees the dude from her backyard who'd

been spying on her in like the front

window at the restaurant watching her

um and then like she like has a moment

Aiden's like is everything okay and then

when she looks back the dude is once

again gone and she's like yeah sorry I

just like I thought I saw someone that I

knew

um

when they leave the restaurant items

like you'll be punished for lying to me

it's like can we not with the [ __ ]

spanking anymore

so much spanking yeah in this book

so much spanking

I I didn't need it

he like they're talking and he's like

call me when you have some clarity like

I like you you like me you have a lot on

your plate call me when you have some

clarity

and she's like when what like what does

that mean what what do you mean by that

and he's like when you're ready to take

off your wedding ring like that ah

that'll be a probably win he's like now

kindly get out of my car that gets kind

of like the energy here so

the next day she's like decided she's

going to drive back to Dr Letterman's uh

Dr David Letterman's office but then on

her way past she passes a psychic and is

like who needs a therapist and you can

have a psychic she's like 10 reading you

son of a [ __ ] I'm in oh

um

when she knocks on the door this like

little old woman opens the door like

just like stands here and stares at her

for a second then closes it again and

she's like the [ __ ]

so she like knocks again

and then a much younger like clearly the

woman's daughter and she's like oh yeah

come in for a reading blah blah blah and

so

um

she they're like okay what do you want

to ask the deck like for your tarot

reading and she's like

how do I move on for like how how do how

to move on from my husband essentially

um

several intriguing cards get pulled if

you will the Ten of Swords the lover and

the death card and the psychic is being

like you've had a betrayal your current

love life will cause you great pain

there are things you need to purge of

your life from your old baggage because

it's weighing you down and like she's

like what like I don't know what to do

with all of this and then she was like

do you want to pull an extra card to see

kind of like what you should be like

purging yourself from

and she pulls the magician

um and then the psychic is like you need

to let go of your Illusions she's like

yeah exactly deep sigh

I hope the ten dollars was worth it she

like tries to pay and leave and the

psychic is like it's on the house I'm

praying for you no right

um Kayla writes a letter to Dante

more rambling confused about life tells

him she's failing in love tells him

about

um fiance

Fiona's Seance not fiance

Fiona suggested Seance Dante responds

and he's like

you're not controlling the storm and

you're not lost in it like you are the

storm like you are the one with the

power right

who needs therapy

when you have a prison pen pal

not Kayla

Kayla needs a lot of things none of

which are to be called little bunny yeah

um so it's now two weeks later she still

hasn't seen Dante the doorbell keeps

ringing no one is there every time she

checks like when she pulls it up like no

one is there

um she hears laughter and the little boy

is back

and she's like wait is this the child I

miscarried like she's like really trying

to like connect all these dots here

um she is staring through the window and

the little boys in the yard he sees her

they make eye contact he like screams at

the top of his lungs and so she like

goes outside to try and talk to him when

she goes outside he's not there and then

when she looks up he's standing in her

bedroom window looking down at her

but she's like we would have crossed

paths in the house like right how did

all this work

um so she's like [ __ ] this force herself

a very large wine the lights flicker she

goes to bed she's like I don't even care

anymore truly yeah like she texts Aiden

and she's like I miss you and he's like

I miss you too and she's like can I see

you he's like are you still wearing your

wedding ring it's like no

and he's like did you take it off right

before you text me she's like maybe

and then and then she's like can I come

over

master

I'm like it's weird

stop it's weird no one needs this [ __ ]

um so once again she pours herself more

wine decides to go to bed

um Fiona comes over looks at Kayla and

she's like you are not doing great

and ask Fiona she's like Fiona what do

you do when someone's giving you space

You don't want and she was like you mean

like they they closed the door but you

want it open and she's like yeah and

she's like

knock

nice right I like that we like Fiona's

energy here Fiona the doorbell rings

again there's no one there like Fiona

like goes to answer it there's no one

there

um the television turns on and like more

light bulbs explode and then Kayla's

like

yeah so maybe let's just do that [ __ ]

Seance like it's time let's do it

um Kayla responds to Dante's letter

about her being the storm and it's like

I feel like she's like your storm advice

wasn't really helpful I feel like I'm

drowning I feel like I need a life vest

like I need something to save me like

I'm not doing great

um so the full moon is now like the next

day Fiona and her sister Claire show up

Claire's just as great as Fiona we're

loving their energy here and it's like

the perfect creepy night

all of the rain in Seattle the wind all

of that kind of [ __ ] and Claire's like I

think we need to have the Seance like

the spirits are directing me to have

this in Michael's office

and so

they're going to Michael's office

Claire's like you need to remove

um any jewelry any phones anything of

that capacity

um you need to take off your wedding

ring

and so she takes it off and puts it in

her pocket she's like not on your person

like we want it out of the room so she

like puts it on the desk

um like on like right on top like the

news article about Michael

um the Seance begins and like the spirit

is like responding like like Claire's

very much doing like knock yes for once

knock twice for no kind of questions and

it's like okay did you know

um did you know anyone in this room when

you were alive

like are you the only Spirit yes like

did you know anyone in this room when

you were alive like was it Fiona was it

me no no was it Kayla yes

um and then or Claire's like what

what do you want like what are you

needing and then it starts writing

through her like Claire like a ghost

possession situation yeah like her hand

starts shaking and then on the paper the

word that's written is Revenge

and then like the wind gets crazy all

the candles go out Kayla feels like a

brush of something against her face and

like loses her [ __ ] and screams and runs

out of the room

Fiona and Claire follow they find Kayla

in the kitchen cowering like in a ball

all of the cabinet doors are open again

um and they're like do you want to

continue and she's like no I [ __ ]

don't I don't I don't want to continue

thank you for asking

um the doorbell rings and she's like no

one's gonna be there when they go and

open the door there's a life vest there

ah yes and so she was like wait I think

I I think I know who's haunting me I

think it's Dante she's like because I

told Dante in that letter I needed a lie

fast suddenly there's a life vest

outside the door and so Claire had

initially been like yeah I have a few

like it's a full moon it's a busy night

for

for mediums and then she's like I'm

Gonna Cancel my other appointments for

tonight because this just got juicy

and so

Kayla goes and gets all of Dante's

letters and so they like start looking

through all of them

um and she like Claire's like have did

you ever end up calling the detective to

see if he knows him and she's like I

didn't and they're like you should call

so

um when she like she finally decides

she's gonna call the detective to ask

then Claire goes to get Kayla's laptop

to also look up Dante

um when she comes back with the laptop

the 1937 D type buffalo nickel is on top

of it

and then suddenly Kayla's wedding ring

falls through the ceiling and like lands

on the table what

oh no yes

um I will also say if you have any

interest in reading this book which you

must be in to bunnies or [ __ ] if you are

gonna read it

um

from here on out it's pretty much like

all spoilers like it's not spoilers

because it's the end of the book but

like it will ruin all of the secrets and

surprises for you so like it might be

worth bowing out now

um or just like if you want to keep fast

forwarding until we get to the ratings

um yeah I'm not gonna read this so no

tell me no you will not I will not if

you do I have more questions

um

so yeah the wedding ring drops for the

ceiling the storm keeps getting worse

it's getting crazier it's getting louder

and then Claire is like you need to call

the detective right now like we don't

have much time and Kayla's like what

like what do you even mean what yes so

Kayla calls

she's like can you connect me to like

detective Peters and he's like are you a

friend or like like the front desk lady

is like are you a friend of his and

she's like no he helped me with like a a

case a few months ago and the lady's

like well I can't connect you I'm afraid

that's not possible he's he passed away

from Sudden cardiac arrest what

and

Kayla's like the [ __ ] and like just like

ends the phone call doesn't know what to

do

um Claire opens the laptop

because she's like well let's look up

who owns the house before you

and then the like it's like why is the

deed under someone else's name and

Kayla's like it shouldn't be it should

be under like Michael and Kayla Reese

but the house

um was bought by another couple in

January of this year

and her husband like the accident was

like New Year's Eve

um and then she like hears the little

boy running around again and she's like

how does he fit into all of this like

everything is just like building chaos

in this moment right is Caleb dead

who can say well can you please because

I wouldn't know I'm gonna get there I'm

gonna get there real fast so

um Claire says that she's going to call

like the

um the police station back and is like

hey sorry my friend just called um

wanting to speak with this detective

um she was hoping to send flowers to the

funeral

um how long ago did he pass or so just

dropped by this news they're like oh

like you missed the funeral like he died

six months ago

and Kayla's like

no he couldn't have died six months ago

I spoke with him on my on my doc two

months ago about all of this

um and then Claire's like you have to

understand here that there's very few

people who can communicate with Spirits

mediums true psychics cats people with

schizophrenia gifted children and other

ghosts although they don't recognize

each other as such

and then as pieces have already clicked

for you Hannah pieces start to click for

Kayla uh-huh where like Fiona's shock at

seeing her after the funeral oh

um and being like Oh so like you're

staying here and like none of the

roofers ever calling her back when she

was trying to get quotes and like how

the security system would only show

static it like was not actually showing

her anything

so Kayla like starts freaking out starts

sobbing and then goes to get Eddie's

business card she's like no like Eddie I

just I spoke with him and then when she

picks it up like she realizes it's like

old and dated and like looks like it was

printed a long time ago

and calls the number and they pick up

and they're like Homefront handyman like

three generations strong and she's like

I need to speak with Eddie and they're

like is this a joke she's like

no I need to speak with Eddie and he's

like my grandfather died in 1974.

uh oh so Kayla starts like freaking out

more and more

and then Fiona is like called her name

and holds out Dante's envelope and is

like read the name and Kayla reads it

and is like Dante aligari so what and

Kayla and Fiona's like no see it like

really look at it then when she looks at

it the letters start rearranging

themselves and it says Aiden layrite Lee

right whatever the [ __ ] his name is and

it's an anagram for Dante sure yeah see

that's why there are so many [ __ ]

vowels

no one accept any vowels

um Kayla like starts losing her [ __ ]

more runs into Michael's office unfolds

the newspaper and the the full title of

the article says local man drowns wife

oh [ __ ]

she starts screaming the windows shatter

Fiona and Claire like run into the

office and then she looks like sees the

little boy like cowering behind them

um

and then Kayla like realizes she's like

oh that little boy lives here with his

parents who bought this house in January

right right right

um also realized and she's like it

finally like she finally remembers she

finally realizes Michael didn't die

Aiden did Michael killed him and then

killed her

so now we get a little more context yeah

it's all making sense now right I mean

not really but like maybe you got a

system belief for like this entire [ __ ]

yeah

um so we switched to Fiona's perspective

and Fiona's like like Bennett is the

little boy his mom runs in she's like

you should take him and get far away

from this office Kayla has suddenly

disappeared from where she'd been

standing

we then switched to Aiden's perspective

like this is just like a monologue for

Aiden like there's not

there's not action sets so we're just

like this is where a lot of the pieces

connect

okay so we learn he

is a convicted felon he did indeed kill

his father when he was a juvenile and

was protecting his mother he is very

much in love with Kayla

um Kayla and Michael married very young

before Michael's mental illness got

really bad and he decompensated um

Michael is indeed a mathematic genius

who worked at the University

um but he also was diagnosed

paranoid schizophrenia and narcissistic

personality disorder what a double

whammy well and also

also how they kind of describe it in the

book is like

yeah when you combine a narcissist with

a very paranoid person you have someone

who's not gonna like be consistent in a

treatment regimen right um and so he

keeps going off of his meds

um Michael and Kayla had separated after

he kicked her in the stomach while she

was pregnant oh um and caused her to

miscarry because he thought aliens or

some [ __ ] like that had impregnated her

and then he like continued to

decompensate

um then after their separation he

started following her

so the dude following her was her

ex-husband and all of these like

glimpses right

um and then

like I guess the first time that there

had been any like

maybe awareness that Michael wasn't

doing great was the day before their

wedding some small things that I'm off

rattled him and he like grabbed her arm

and left the Bruce uh the thumbprint

uh-huh

so

then we go back

we're now back to Kayla four months ago

um she had just separated from Michael

it's like holds a little funeral

um and berries like in the backyard a

box that has like their marriage license

her wedding rings and like their

sonogram photo

um and then goes to Aiden's house and

he's like do you finally have the

clarity you need like and she's like I

do and then

um they start making out

he throws her on his bed she lands on a

book it's a book of poetry it's the

Divine Comedy by Dante Alighieri I'm

[ __ ] up that man's name I'm so sorry

everyone

um then like they're like discussing the

book discussing that their names are are

anagrams and they have this like

beautiful four months together and then

we get to the accident on New Year's Eve

where Kayla and Aiden had decided they

were going to take the boat out to watch

the fireworks

when they get on the boat Michael is

there and has a gun pulled

um and Kayla like

it like clicked she's like oh [ __ ] like

Michael's like he looks home like I

think he might be like living on the

boat

um oh yeah like really not doing well at

all

um Michael thinks Aiden is CIA and is

like trying to steal his like math

formulas

Kayla's trying to intercede and

is then Michael like thinks she's CIA

too

um Aiden's like trying to be the Martyr

and like get Kayla off the boat right

and just a very chaotic scene as a whole

um Michael ends up shooting Aiden she

like throws herself on Aiden's body he

ends up like pistol whipping her she

comes too as he's like tossing her

overboard and then she's like

he reaches for and she's like oh he's

realized like something is clicked like

he's going to help me out of the water

and instead he strangles her

on her neck yeah got it on her neck

um and then his buffalo nickel falls

into the water like while he's drowning

her

um

and that like fireworks are happening

and he's laughing while she takes her

last breath because he just

not well

so that's one way to say it yes

um Kayla awakens and it's like

the present again if you will she's

she's not alive

and she like sits up and like looks

around the house and is like

yeah this these aren't my decorations

this isn't my furniture like it's my

house but it's not my house

um and we learn like the new owners had

kept Fiona on and so like when like

Fiona turned off the alarm

they had given her when she was like how

do you think so then like when Fiona was

like you can't tell a ghost they're dead

right right it's like all of these

things

um

and then the doorbell rings

and when she goes and opens the door

it's Aiden and it had been him writing

her like trying to communicate and like

get to her the entire time and he's like

did you like the life let the life fast

and she's like nice touch it's kind of

like tonally and then she's like

but why were the letters from the State

Penitentiary like what and he's like

she was like was that where you were is

that a something about your past and

he's like no that's a hint for the

future that's where Michael is and

they're like let's go haunt him

what a romantic anything and then we get

to the epilogue which is a forensic

interview of Michael who is like

honestly

thinking about cluster B

um I think it reads a little more like

anti-social narcissistic like not just

narcissistic I'm like more of like a

cluster B situation yes I'm like it's

not just narcissists yeah from like hell

maybe that's just my perspective

um but like because Michael's like I

shouldn't be locked up people with

genius IQ shouldn't be like I'm a

contributing member of society I was

having a psychotic episode like I

shouldn't be held accountable and

they're like well

if you're saying like you are mentally

fit to stand trial

then that doesn't matter right you can't

have both

um and so like wow like and he's just

like being a complete Michael's being

such a dick to the doctor like this

entire time and

um then the doctor is like yeah if

you're deemed mentally competent to

stand trial like there will be evidence

that's introduced um of you having an

affair with that woman who was like

sobbing at the funeral of you taking a

life insurance policy out on your wife

like all of these different things but

while he's talking to him suddenly

Michael's fixated on the wall behind him

and then starts like freaking out and is

like it's them and they're like he is

responding to internal stimuli and then

he's like stop saying that word and the

doctor's like what are they saying and

Michael goes Boo

and that's how the entire [ __ ] book

ends

what

yeah so

what a journey

it was such a roller coaster because

early on I was like I'm here for the

injury I'm here for the suspense I'm

here for the sexy Scooby-Doo then we

just went sexually weird for a very long

time in a way that I could not get on

board with this is like the Sixth Sense

meets

um A Beautiful Mind

yes also my husband is sitting here like

these are all of the words he wants to

say

yeah that's what this is this is a sixth

sense Means A Beautiful Mind meets

double dip Double Jeopardy is what it is

and some Poltergeist and a little bit of

Scooby-Doo

yeah so quick pivot during

um

work this week we were had a team

meeting and there was a question asked

that was like okay if you had to choose

a male and female actress to play you in

a movie who would you choose they don't

have to look like you it's just like who

you'd want to play you

and I chose Kristen Wiig nice um but

then I was like I can't think of a male

to like play me

and I I have some chronic laryngitis

issues and my co-worker goes

Chelsea I'm getting strong Matthew

Lillard Vibes for you and she's like I

think he could do a lot with your

laryngitis

um and I was like reading this book and

already had the term sexy Scooby-Doo in

my head I was just thinking about when

he was Shaggy

I'm like

to be totally fair though like I

love Matthew Lillard though

he's he's very endearing they're

definitely yes well and I was like I'll

go with Matthew Lillard because I can't

think of anything else and then when

they circled back to me at the end of

the meeting they're like have you

thought of anyone I was like I'll keep

Matthew Lillard but I'll also maybe

throw in Owen Wilson yeah I can see it

yeah

um so

maybe Matthew Lillard will start in the

movie adaptation of pen pal

that would be awesome well because like

all right reading the premise of pen pal

I was so intrigued because the premise

was really like

gets a letter from the State

Penitentiary that's like I'll wait

forever and she's like for what for you

and then like

there's a it's like it's something to

the effect of there's a knock on the

door

and it's her pen pal or like something

like that but I'm like okay nowhere in

here do we mention [ __ ] ghosts like I

wasn't really expecting the Paranormal

side of it so I was like okay I'm here

for this

but it was such a journey and I disliked

so much of the journey

I like that it ended with them haunting

the dude right

um

I don't know I feel so conflicted about

this book well I feel like our rating

scale should be nickels

I was gonna go with Scooby Snacks oh yep

Scooby Snacks is better

like depending on different parts of the

book I would give it varying levels of

Scooby Snacks sure like up until like 40

I'd probably give it like four out of

five Scooby Snacks

eight out of ten yeah I can math

um I can't I'm so [ __ ] at math

um as we all know everyone here has

heard me trying math so many things at

this point um

but then I feel like I like go like

1.5 or two Scooby Snacks out of five

that might still be generous two out of

ten Scooby snacks that feels too low

three

foreign

do you like just hearing my internal

process I'm loving it break it down well

then I'm like okay like I feel like when

it got weird and there was the weird

sex in the forest

I was like that we're down to like yeah

two one Scooby Snack no matter which way

you slice it you only get one right

but then like how it ended and wrapped

up it kind of redeemed itself for me in

some ways right

[ __ ] man

so what I'm gathering is that we're

looking at like a three out of five I

was literally I was like 2.5 out of five

so five out of ten yeah I feel like a 50

is a really solid okay it has its

moments it has its Ebbs and flows but I

think that's where we average out to so

five out of ten Scooby Snacks is my the

is the highest I can go that's my final

offer

I will accept

I know you aren't gonna read it would

you rate it a different number of Scooby

Snacks

no I mean I like the idea of the story

is pretty cool and unique that's not I

hadn't read something like it yeah yeah

it's Unique so I feel like that bumps it

a little and also if you can't get

through the sex scenes without going or

like a full body like cringe then that's

gonna bring it down so I feel like 50

makes sense sucking my clits like

milking a nipple

stop it I just did have a full body

cringe I didn't like that I don't like

that no there's nothing arousing about

it no it was nothing arousing about

stupid thing to say I just don't okay

now the word nibble can get can get the

[ __ ] out

I'm not here for it okay five Scooby

Snacks final offer

let us know what you guys would rate it

let us know what you think this one I

feel like is a really

it could be very polarizing I feel uh

that's yes that's literally what I was

about to say I was like I feel like I

can see it going either way

not for me

um

but for some people I could see it going

either way I agree I think it'll be

really polarizing because I will say I

feel like when I first pulled it up on

Goodreads there were a lot of like five

star reviews and then I feel like the

last time I put it up on Goodreads the

first review I saw was like one star and

I was like I get it because I hadn't

finished it and now I'm a little bit

further so I'm like 2.5

like on Goodreads since you have to

round down like you can't do like half

like I would give it two not three on

Goodreads yeah I feel like there are

some books that'll do a half rating and

I'll like round up I think this one I

would I would round down

I feel like that's fair I mean

yeah so

thanks for going on that all the way

around that Journey yeah all the way oh

[ __ ] hell

um

I think we all need a palette cleanser

after that Journey yeah I'm gonna uh

probably need some more rum for

to if I'm going to be able to continue

remember when I told you I needed

alcohol for that one I do remember and

you get you you get it I do

so we hope that all of you are

responsibly enjoying whatever you choose

to partake in to relax

thank you guys for joining us

we love you we miss you let us know your

thoughts we can't wait to hear him have

a good day bye smart [ __ ]

for this week's mud [ __ ] we hope it was

good for you cause it sure was great for

us if you're digging what we're doing it

would mean a lot if you'd take a minute

to rate and review the show wherever

you're listening right now

maybe tell that sexy someone to Linda

senior

we love you we appreciate you

we'll see you next week

stay spotty

[Music]