Smut Club

well

hello all you beautiful people

you know what time it is

[Music]

ladies and gents

guys and dolls and everyone in between

gather round

get you something real nice to sip on

and comfy to slip on

because it's time

for smut club

here's your hosts chelsea and hannah

[Applause]

[Music]

i've been told i'm a very loud clapper

you are and it's one of my favorite

qualities that you have did you know

that about me

i didn't

we only work together remotely we've

never been in the same room until now

yes correct correct anyway hi i'm hannah

welcome to smug club i'm chelsea also

welcome to smut club woohoo

um

so

last episode we did a lot of roasting of

jeff bezos and

we want to take a moment to recognize

the fact that we often

still patronize his

business

and in fact uh people who know me have

know i have a lot of insomnia which is

why i read as much as i do and sometimes

what happens with that insomnia is i

order some things

from

the amazon usually although i did also

order a

tarot card journal

at three o'clock in the morning like

right before christmas

um i haven't used it yet but it came and

it has stamps so that i can stamp what

cards i pulled for different days

um

i don't i don't know why i did that but

earlier this week at about two o'clock

in the morning i did order a bodysuit

from the amazon and some tights

please tell us like when you say

bodysuit that's really open for

interpretation because there's there's

sexy bodysuits it's there's like they're

like

like the catwoman is that like no so

it's not like a jumpsuit situation it's

more of a like an adult onesie action

where like it

like it's cut like a one-piece bathing

suit on the bottom you know what i'm

talking about and then it has like loose

sleeves which i was excited about and

the purpose apparently of a bodysuit of

this design is so that you can wear like

pants or a skirt or whatever with it and

it won't ride up

which is an issue i have

you know i've seen those

so are there legs

no oh so it's just more like a crotch

button a situation it is it is it stays

it has snaps

crotch snaps crotch snaps so one of the

girls at work wears these a lot which is

why i even considered perusing them

recently and i asked her about like how

does she how does she pee like is it a

challenge

you know yes you know because when i'm

at work i don't really want to deal with

that and she was

she was like sometimes i just push it to

the side and she did this weird little

squat

motion showed you like in my head i'm

like it's just like when you wear a

one-piece swimsuit and go to the

restroom and you move it to the side i

don't feel like i've ever needed to

model that no i didn't i didn't need it

demonstrated but i'm very grateful that

it was so that should be here tomorrow

so i'm really interested to see although

i did order it with the thought that i

would wear it with some of the work

pants that i have and then i realized

it's a little bit low plunging and my

boobs are kind of an issue so

oh yeah well

you do have a client right now who's a

little

um romantically fixated on you

and so maybe wait until they are

discharged from services before you wear

it yeah

well the so the other day i had like i

got home and i was changing into my pjs

and my husband was like honey are you

wearing two bras and i was like babe i

am almost always wearing two bras

because my tits are huge and they enter

the room like 10 minutes before i do and

i work with men and so yes i'm wearing

two bras and he was like okay i'm really

sorry i love you he's like wow i didn't

know that that was going to evoke such a

strong response out of you yeah and i

was like i bet you're sorry

that you said that and he was like i am

which is also funny to me

because well our listeners don't

necessarily know this off the bat um

hannah and her husband work at the same

place we do yes that's correct do you

all drive together no

is there a re like do you all work

different hours does it just like keep a

boundary between you at work i mean it's

partially a boundary thing but also

i have to be in earlier than he does

usually uh that's fair and then um so he

does primarily intakes so

he usually has to stay later than i do

because intakes are coming in later in

the day

um

so i usually am able to leave earlier

but i get there earlier so well yeah you

get there earlier and then you get to

leave earlier and take off the double

brow situation because while it's

necessary for work it's also

not comfortable for life

that's correct yeah

um we aren't currently sponsored by a

bra company but if someone wanted to

sponsor us we would be willing to try

your products yeah i know you guys

probably haven't actually seen me or

like know what i look like but there's a

lot happening here that needs support

well that makes one of us

so

life's all about balance and that's what

we bring here as well it is yeah okay so

tell me today on smut club um

we're gonna do some like age gap smut

yes who doesn't love some good age gap

smut me

oh

i won't tell you about it then i'll

choose something else no i want to hear

you you just don't like age gap smart

like sometimes it me it it skeeves me

out a little bit when it's like the girl

is 17. oh no

i think she's 19 in this one she can

legally

buy a lottery ticket

she is legal to join the marines so can

she legally drink no can she join the

military and fight for our country

yes

um

okay then

so that's better right at least she's

illegal yeah so and it's also

he's like a hot 38 or 39 year old yeah

okay

it's like there's like a 20 year gap all

right before i go into any of this i

should really just tell us

um so today we are talking about

birthday girl by

penelope douglas

okay

um yes it's a it's a fun one it's a

relatively quick one sure

um

it was the first i think it was the

first penelope douglas book i ever read

also consequently my favorite because

sometimes she's like

i enjoy her books but she's a little bit

like

on the wrong side of bully smut

where you're like oh this isn't

i'm just reading cruelty

and then they're like i'm so wet and

you're like no one else is wet no this

is not fun to read no i'm not into that

so

just throwing that out there that she

has some other books that i've

considered she has some other books that

i've read

she has some other books that have put

me in a weird emotional place

i was gonna throw it out here they got a

reaction and they got you thinking so

they did i also i like i don't do it for

every book i read but when i leave

book reviews on goodreads

i like to do one sentence book reviews

because here's the thing no one wants to

read a [ __ ] novel sometimes i do when

they're really terrible

well sometimes i do if like the reviews

are really hilarious because the book

was so terrible yeah but i also feel

like a lot of times people just they're

like i'm gonna write

a dissertation right on a book that was

only rated 3.5 stars in the first place

and i'm like we already know it was

subpar i don't need a dissertation on it

being subpar every thought i had while

reading this book there you go yes and

i'm like no queen no one needs that live

your truth if that means a lot to you to

post those reviews

i'm not going to read them but that

shouldn't stop you sure from living your

life

all that said when i leave reviews i

tend to leave one to two sentence or

most commonly there's a semicolon

involved so it's still one sentence

um and i i left a review for another one

of her books that was not the most

favorable well pro you know i i'm in a

different season of life i might try

rereading it and reviewing it at some

point but

yeah i think i gave it like one star and

then my friend texts me a screenshot of

my review that popped up on goodreads

and she was like i spit my coffee out

because this was so harsh and i was like

oh okay i can be better

so all that said please don't be better

when you're telling me whatever you're

about to tell me right okay so birthday

girl

opening cena birthday girl you got the

birthday girl i know

we're very confused here um

we did not see that coming that the book

is called birthday girl and it's we open

on the birthday girl her name is jordan

sure

she works somewhere she works at a bar

that's where she works sure somewhere

passive um so she works at a bar she

lives in a small town she doesn't make

much money

she

her mom's an addict or dead i don't

really remember what's happening with

her mother we don't give a [ __ ] about

your dead mom jordan we don't care it's

like a side note it's not really

like she's not close with her father and

her step

mother

she is close with her older sister who

is a stripper in town at the strip club

called the hook

so aside from beef that's the best name

for a strip club that i've heard in a

while i'm pretty sure in the middle of

nowhere town where my parents live

there's a strip club called the fuzzy

hole

i stand corrected

i can't say which one is better i can

fuzzy hole is the best

town in tennessee

so i just want to point out that you

just said bum [ __ ]

immediately after talking about the

fuzzy hole

the bum [ __ ] town has a fuzzy hole strip

club and i think that's all you really

need to know about east tennessee yeah i

don't have it it's beautiful yeah i have

no follow-up questions carry on go visit

no stunning i won't do that thank you

okay so we open

so

the bar closes jordan decides she's the

main character she decides she's gonna

go to the movies um her boyfriend

hasn't picked her up from work yet rude

um i don't remember his name he's also

her age

i should know his name

whatever he's not the love interest so i

don't give a [ __ ]

so

jordan goes to the movies and she meets

this cool older gentleman

i believe his name is pike

pike is like 38 39. he's the main love

interest so they just have like that

connection they are [ __ ] vibing

actually this movie sure he mentions

like a poltergeist showing and she's

like oh like i want to go but like in

her head she feels guilty because she's

like i have a boyfriend so i shouldn't

like want to hang out with this dude

so then they leave the movie

her boyfriend still hasn't picked her up

um and then pike gets a phone call

saying he needs to go to the local jail

to pick someone up plot twist

jordan is dating pike's son

i know none of us saw this coming no i'm

frankly floored by that right it's

uncanny like yeah wow yeah so

um

they have to go and pick him up because

he was throwing jordan a birthday party

and then everyone got out of hand and

out of control um before jordan made it

to her birthday party i was gonna say a

birthday party where she wasn't even

there yeah like he was trying to throw

her a surprise party and be like a sweet

boyfriend

and then everyone went wild and not too

turnt and then he

got arrested they get kicked out of

their apartment that they're living in

together she's in school she wants to be

a landscape architect she really like

she has her head on her shoulder she's

just overcoming a lot of adversity

in her life okay and she's a hot 19 year

old so they've now been evicted yes and

so

the aspiring landscape architect yes

jordan

who is dating

this guy yes is into the father of this

guy she didn't know was the father of

this guy she finds out because they're

they have to go pick him up from jail

because he threw her a party where she

wasn't there and it got too turnt and he

got arrested and then them evicted from

their home yes you understand like the

first chapter of this book that's all

the first chapter maybe the first two if

we're feeling crazy oh my god okay okay

okay carry on

so

plot twist they're evicted and they're

like [ __ ] where are we going to live

we should live with my father is what

the boyfriend says so jordan and her

boyfriend move in with the hot dad who

she like is struggling with her feelings

for um

and her boyfriend

just sucks if we're being completely

honest he's like a 19 year old idiot

like sure no offense to 19 year olds but

i feel like most 19 year old dudes like

don't know what they're doing in life

or they're like they're working towards

the goal but they haven't achieved it

yet like no shame on you if you're

working towards something

he's a little aimless and not really

working towards anything and she is

working towards a lot of things now mind

you like jordan and the boyfriend

they've been friends for a really long

time before they started dating and like

they had a traumatic experience that

they went through together where they

they lost another friend so like

the trauma bonding yeah some trauma

bonding like they're

are they more together

just

out of comfort and like familiarity sure

who can say

i can say

actually i'm licensed and qualified to

determine as a licensed therapist in two

out of 50 states

nice yes um

i will say

they

don't really have any business being

together but they were brought together

by a traumatic experience and they have

a trauma bond and so there's a lot of

like oh i just like put up with their

[ __ ] because like it all like works out

and it's fine and so

then they're living with hot dad pike

he owns a construction company sure and

like mind you like it's not like they're

not living there for on a free ride like

they're supposed to help with chores

they're supposed to do these things but

i'm sure we're all surprised to hear

that the boyfriend

isn't pulling his weight in the house

and so jordan is like i'm gonna pull

weight for both of us and i'm gonna

cook dinner every night and i'm gonna

clean and i'm gonna do this and i'm

gonna do that

and so she's really like

just becomes like the woman of the house

who's running everything while her

boyfriend

lives his best life with no

accountability

because he's much he's a lot more like

well i'm living with my dad's like who

gives a [ __ ] if i said i was gonna do

today i can do it three days from now

like it doesn't matter and she's like no

if you said you're gonna do it today

like she's very principled sure

much like a 38 or 39 year old man i

don't remember how old he is

so

um a storm comes through and pike is

like [ __ ]

there's gonna be a storm we have to like

go get the construction site sealed and

get everything put away but his son is

sleeping so jordan's like oh volunteer

i'll go help all of the construction

pros that work for you and like so she

goes and helps and like they like keep

bonding and essentially

that's a lot of the book i'm not gonna

bore you with all of the details but

it's like then like it's her like

showing up and like the boyfriend not

doing dick

and

so like at one point like so wait is

boyfriend literally not doing dick

throughout the book

he like kind of works on her car a

little bit

and he well no i meant like physical

dick

oh also not much physical death

yeah i think there's like one or two

experiences where like it's one where

it's like we had a fight that night and

he's like all we ever do is fight

anymore like we don't bone anymore and

then she's like i let him pull me into

the shower the next morning and i was

like that feels more like a freebie that

you gave cause you felt bad more than

you were into it right um i mean who am

i to look at your motivators

i'm a therapist

that's who i am that's a situation also

can i just i

every time you say that the dude's name

is pike i just think of like

is that a fish isn't that like a kind of

fish

is it i'm pretty sure

i'm pretty sure that's like a kind of

fish and i'm not knowledgeable enough

about fish to know if it's fresh water

or

salt water i'm

but i feel certain that it's the kind of

fish and and then that leads me back to

the word slippery

um so i just learned a pike fish a

northern pike a northern pike um

is a carnivorous fish jesus right they

are

typical of brackish and fresh waters in

the northern hemisphere they're known

they are known simply as a pike they

aren't known as northern pike in the

south but they're known as a pike in

britain ireland and most of eastern

europe and canada and the united states

so i don't know who's left calling it a

northern pike but there is a fish tight

breed species

called a pike family order class i don't

really remember

so

okay

okay

all right so he's named after a

carnivorous fish and i have a lot of

questions about

what is the fish eating

like well he wants to eat jordan i was

gonna say

obviously he is into eating other fish

carry on right and so he's like really

like

reconciling his thoughts and his

feelings here so for sure yeah [ __ ]

son decides to throw a redo birthday

party that's just kind of a party cause

that's what we need exactly like

jordan's like not super into it but like

pike gets her like a birthday cake and

she's like oh like who's the cake for

and he's like oh like it's for you and

like he felt embarrassed because he's

playing poker with his friends who are

also all like age-appropriate

while his son is having a party with a

bunch of like

19 year olds in bikinis and all hanging

out at the pool sure sure and so most of

the book is this like push and pull

tension between these moments there's a

time so

jordan has an ex-boyfriend who had like

assaulted her at some point and like

that's obviously bad news bears no one

is a fan of assault sure i think his

name was jay

he was a side character i didn't give a

[ __ ]

so

um jay

like

likes to show up likes to try and like

still [ __ ] with her like it's still like

you don't know if he's into her or if

he's just like antagonizing her right

right and so there's a scene where

jordan's boyfriend doesn't pick her up

from work again again i know we're all

surprised he's a

19 year old with no responsibilities on

his plate who's partying and not picking

up his hard-working girlfriend from work

color me shocked i'm not i'm floored

she

is like okay she like she closes down

and then she goes to leave and

jay is outside to pick her up and she's

like where like

where's my boyfriend and he's like oh

well like he got trashed so like he

asked me to come pick you up and she's

like he would never ask that because he

knows like you assaulted me and i'm like

not cool with you and so she's like i

won't like go anywhere with you and so

she goes inside and locks herself in the

bar for the night

so

pike sees

she wasn't home that night and he calls

her and is like i can't believe you

would like pull this [ __ ] on my son i

thought you were honorable i thought you

were respectful you're out doing lord

knows what with who knows what

um rude and a lot of assumptions so many

assumptions carnivorous fish did not ask

any questions this [ __ ] carnivorous

fish

he felt like a real putts about it later

i'll tell you that much

so he's pike the putts pike the putts

the carnivorous

the carnivorous fish everybody knows we

love alliteration we really like i'm a

[ __ ] for alliteration

i love it it's the best i'm sure your

husband loves that

yes i'll ask him later but hey

could you speak in some alliterations

for me how do you feel about a living

awesome alliteration

anyway so that's where we're at so

pike makes all of these assumptions

pretentious pike makes all of these

assumptions and then

shows up at the bar

and then the owner of the bar that

jordan works at is like she's a good kid

no she didn't get in jay's car or like

didn't go with jay last night because he

assaulted her and she didn't feel

comfortable and so then pike is like i'm

such an ass because i like laid into

this girl for like cheating on my son

all these things right um vin pike

decides like i don't remember if this

was before or after that scene but like

pike decides that he's gonna remodel the

guest bathroom which is their bathroom

in his house

and so

they have to use the master bath

for showers and things of that capacity

like at some point jordan's in the

shower and she's like fantasizing about

pike and like starts masturbating

and then uses his loofah

between her

but then like doesn't realize it's his

luffa until afterwards and it's like

hold on hold on who else is luffa would

it be hers

she thought it was her own like wouldn't

you know

your own loofah like i mean if you look

at the color of it probably if your eyes

are closed maybe not like i would know

if it's my loofah from texture

have some questions i don't feel like i

would be blindly groping around the

shower for a loofah

like i guess if you're just like open

for that in the moment and you're

masturbating and you have your eyes

closed unless you masturbate with your

eyes open and then you just like reach

back behind you and grab whatever loofah

is most available no no no and then you

put it between your legs no no no i feel

like even if you're mid masturbate if

you are reaching for a loofah you at

least slit your eyes to like figure out

what you're grabbing right well and so

then she like finishes and then is like

his loofah yeah like using his luffa

because friction obviously and then

she's like oh i should buy him a new

loofah

he's masturbating in the shower thinking

about her

and then he's like where the [ __ ] is my

loofah so she does so she never replaced

it she took the loofah

it wasn't just that she used it she took

it well she threw it out because she's

like i did orgasm on this lupa the least

i can do is buy the man a new one

um and then i don't and then apparently

she didn't get around to it before he

was also masturbating in the shower but

i also feel like you got to replace the

luffa like within a 24-hour time frame

yeah you know like i don't know

priorities and stuff like how long was

it between showers where like at one at

what point was he was like was he like

my luffa is missing right and i need it

right

so it is definitely something to

consider so okay so we left off with him

masturbating in the shower and

so was he looking for his luffa to then

finish or was he finished and then just

gonna actually shower i think it was

more of that he's like where the [ __ ] is

my luffa

he's like i got off where is my luffa

now that i think about it i don't

imagine a dude would want to use a luffa

while masturbating but as a woman i

i i don't feel like i can speak to that

as a woman i can't speak to that

as a man i will say they probably aren't

i feel like that's what i just heard you

say like i mean i don't know but i would

think like that would not be pleasant

well so at some point in this

masturbatory journey

sure it and it is a journey it is a

journey right so jordan gets home from

work

and

um

like there's all of this just like

tension with her and pike and like she

like calls them like mr lawson sometimes

and you're like oh is there like some

reluctance like what's happening here

and so like she's standing in the house

she gets home from work pike is also

standing there they look out in the yard

and [ __ ] boyfriend son

is in the pool with another girl what

who's like

they're like mid whatever they're doing

sure i don't know if i don't know where

they were in their journey i don't well

i could if i opened the book i don't

really remember where it was like like a

pool bang

yeah just like a i mean a two-person

pool bang i feel like

i didn't realize that need to be

designated although considering we did

reverse harem last time i guess it is

worth

right differentiating yeah like jordan

didn't see her boyfriend boning someone

else in a pool and was like i should go

join them right right instead she was

like what the [ __ ] and oh has this been

going on cause like like for a while

because like it feels like we haven't

been like as in touch lately and then

you find out like this all started at

her birthday party that she missed

because he threw it he was that where

the book started they've been boning

since the book started right

so he's like

i'll leave i'll go stay with this girl

and jordan can keep living here with my

father because i know she doesn't have

any other place to live

um

and then there's just a lot of that like

back and forth tension there's a block

party at some point for one of pike's

friends

jordan leaves with some like

age-appropriate people and there's a

dude who's clearly into her

and so like pike is all out of sorts

about it

and so then like jordan's like nothing's

gonna happen but she like doesn't say

that to pike and then like she gets home

from this gathering and pike has an

age-appropriate lady over oh my stars

and so jordan just starts like actin a

fool and she starts like slamming the

laundry door like the like the washer

and dryer doors and just like making all

of this noise and like really like

trying to be a [ __ ] about it sure and

so

then

pike kicks the lady out

i know we're all surprised by this and

then they're like oh like

he's like you're too young and there's

all this tension she's like i guess i'll

find someone else to [ __ ] me the way i

want to be [ __ ] or like whatever it is

sure and then he's like no one else is

gonna take my job and then they bone

and so then you're like oh like what's

gonna happen now because it's still some

weird territory and the son still

doesn't know that his dad is into his

ex-girlfriend right

and so then they're like they're trying

to navigate it

and so like the morning after they bone

pike's

ex-wife ex-girlfriend the son's mother

shows up and

they have a conversation then he's like

psyching himself out because he's like i

have no business right boning a 19 year

old girl

so

that night

you know mind you jordan is always hard

up for money she's always hard up for

cash she works in a small town at a bar

that's like not like a bougie bar

and so her sister is like hey we're

having this wet t-shirt contest

at the strip club you should come and

participate in at the hook at the hook

yes the strip club the hook

and her sister was also kind enough hold

on so is does pike wind up on the hook

oh did he i'm really sorry i just said

that no he ends up he ends up in the

fuzzy hole

i'm really sorry i said that but i'm not

sorry about where it ended up no you

shouldn't be never apologize for that

so

jordan is like oh well like i know like

pike was like i want you home when i get

home and she's always making dinner and

so

she like

has a movie queued up has the pizza

and he like doesn't come home

and just like doesn't show up because

he's kind of psyched himself out about

this whole experience and relationship

between them and so like she calls his

like

co-worker best friend whoever he is and

i was like hey

um i like i

i don't i think pike's cell phone died

like trying to get a hold of him like

what time are y'all leaving the site

like the work site and drop site and

he's like oh

oh well we ended hours ago like pike's

been at the bar

with some friends and so she's like [ __ ]

this [ __ ] i'm not sitting around i'm not

waiting for him i just need to go make

my own money do my own thing so

she decides

to go to the hook and participate in

this contest that her sister

has pre-purchased the lingerie for her

to wear to this because like

what are sisters for very convenient

yeah right although to be fair i have

sisters and i have never purchased

either of them lingerie

of any kind i think i bought my sister

lingerie for her bachelorette party and

vice versa but i think that's like

the gist of it yeah i don't think like

it's never like hey i was just at the

department store and thought i'd pick

you up a little something something like

that never happened i was just thinking

about you and i saw this and i was like

oh my god you know who would look

amazing in this my sister

but also would that be a good birthday

party theme one year like no one ever

gives you nice underwear or lingerie

unless it's your bachelorette party

right so like what if i was just like

hey

for my birthday i wanna have a lingerie

party where you just buy me lingerie i

mean

sure

if that's what you want to do

like it

it feels a little like controversial but

it's not the weirdest thought i've ever

had it could be fun it's a theme

it is it's a theme some people do like

golf as a theme

why not do lingerie sure right yeah

so jordan is wearing this lingerie at

the hook not the fuzzy hole that one's

in tennessee this one isn't a book

so

at the hook

and lingerie is covering her fuzzy hole

to be clear

you are correct

and so pike gets home and like sees that

like jordan's not there and then he's

starting to feel guilty and he like sees

like the pizza and he sees it like the

tv was already queued up for this movie

because she thought they were having

this like date night and he just like

didn't show up and didn't call her or

communicate with her

so

she goes to this contest and then he's

like i'm gonna dress up for her i'm

gonna let her know she matters so he

puts on a suit

and goes to the hook

and is like they're watching her like

get pulled onto stage reluctantly

and then they like poured a pitcher of

water on her head even though she'd been

saying no and then he's like this is

mine like no one else should like see

what's mine

right that like possessive energy so

he then is like come with me and they're

like making out and the

strip club parking lot

and then he like has his mouth on her

boob and then a cop drives by that he

knows like hey man is that what's his

face his daughter there and he's like

yeah

and so then they go home and on the

drive home he's like yeah well like i

know like you like never like strip like

you don't have it in you and she's like

[ __ ] you i do have to send me i just

don't want to do it for a living

so she's like hey why don't we like get

in our swimsuits and like go swimming

and like hang out in the pool he's like

all right sounds good and

he's not really thinking about it so she

goes up and then locks herself in her

bedroom and then facetimes him

and then is like

let me show you

my sexy dance moves and she has like

music on and she's like stripping in her

bedroom on facetime for her well he's

downstairs yeah like he's on the couch

on facetime

they're in the same building yeah okay

so then

he goes up and like is like oh i'm so

hard right now like we like got like i

like i want to be a part of this and

then her bedroom door is locked and

she's like you said i didn't have it in

me and i definitely did and then he like

watches her like

orgasm while riding the side of her desk

or something like that what and then

he's like open the door and she's like

that makes

less sense than a loofah

well like how like i'm trying to imagine

like the position you have to be in and

like the on the corner angle

ow i don't i don't like that but okay

i mean whatever

floats your penis i guess or your [ __ ] i

don't know whatever floats your penis

i don't think that's a saying it might

become a saying

it's not whatever floats your boat

whatever floods your dick

do it sure yeah so then he's like let me

and she's like no like you said i

couldn't do it and i can and like i'm

gonna go to bed now

and so then like good night i'm really

relaxed because i gave myself a desk

orgasm thank you yes you told me i

couldn't strip so i [ __ ] myself on the

side of a desk joke's on you oh

and so then he's like goes to bed and is

sexually frustrated and then she like

texts him and she's like she's like

don't masturbate like don't touch

yourself and so she's like you know like

you have to like sleep like and he

apparently just says okay i'm like

you're a 38 or 39 year old man bro

you do not need to just like

wait

right

and so then the next day his business

partner best friend like calls her and

he's like hey like you know i like pikes

like a lot of stories he's like super

pissed he

he put like

three times the amount of nails in the

drywall

and he was like he's heading home

earlier all the nails exactly all the

nails in the drywall

and so

hike heads home early and then like

she's sunbathing in the front yard and

the suburbs i don't know

and then he's like get in the house and

then a neighbor's like hey

she's the girl and she's like are you

interested in babysitting i heard you

babysat for this other neighbor and then

it's just like this weird thing like

once again really noting

their age differences sure sure

so they bone

and then like that's where we're at

uh-huh uh-huh there's no blood play i

don't i'm sorry to disappoint you

there's no blood play i mean

all right not everything can be done at

vipers am i right

so not every man can be diesel

wearing a sequin

unicorn fanny pack

precisely well so pike doesn't have one

of those because he's not a [ __ ]

does he keep grenades and tacos anywhere

where do where is he where does he keep

his grenades and tacos

so

jordan and pike are like getting into

this like better space and like okay

like she's still like you have to like

tell your son

at some point like right and

then his ex calls them and is like hey

the power like the ac is that at my

house we need to come stay with you so

now his ex who he like casually bones

when the mood strikes historically sure

and his sons

are now moving back in with him oh dear

and so jordan had moved out of the

bedroom that she had shared with the

ex-boyfriend

and so they're like it's a three-bedroom

is what i've i've gathered um she moves

into the third bedroom because she's

like i'm not sleeping in that room

anymore

and then the mom is like like pike is

like cool like tells his ex his son's

mom he's like cool you can sleep on the

couch and she's like well why can't i

just sleep in that bedroom and he's like

well that's because that's jordan's

bedroom and she's like well why can't

she just sleep in the same room as our

son like it's just sleep for a few

nights does it really matter

and oh it does matter because she's mine

yes but like he won't say that and like

won't announce it and then

so then like jordan like calls his bluff

and he's like no it's fine like it's

just sleep why wouldn't i and so then

like neither of them can sleep like

jordan and pike then like

find each other like sitting out by the

pool in the middle of the night to like

have these conversations cause i can't

sleep without you baby right and then

it's like well just tell him like you

gotta like

you gotta tell him at some point if

we're gonna move forward and he's like i

can't like do that because like he's

never had a great relationship with his

son and it's always been pretty volatile

and he's like you can't lose them and

she's like okay well then like you're

gonna lose me but like that's chilled in

that show right where are your

priorities do you want this 19 year old

fuzzy hole or do you want your son

i hated everything about that sentence

but also yeah and so

oh god to be fair

i don't fully remember we read a lot of

books we do and

um

so he doesn't tell his son and then like

jordan's like going about her life and

going to work and at one point like she

comes home

and

plot twist her ex-boyfriend is throwing

another party at his dad's house

i'm sensing a theme well and son has

told dad he's like hey like i broke up

with that other girl like i got this job

with benefits it starts like next week

i'm really excited about it and it's

like oh wow like okay like he's really

doing [ __ ] with his life

so

then his son is throwing this

party jay the [ __ ] x is at the party

and like comes on to jordan jordan like

usurps it and then at someone like her

and pike you're like fighting and jay

like sees it and he starts like

calling jordan

derogatory names so then like

then they start when he like like he

punches him and it becomes this fight

and then the son shows up and then like

it gets announced that his dad is

[ __ ] his ex-girlfriend and it becomes

whole right so like that's really the

scene where it all like plays out that's

like a that's a scene that's a lot

happening there in the front yard of in

the front yard yes why didn't anything

like that ever happen in my neighborhood

because you live in the middle of

nowhere in north georgia i do

but like i still live in a neighborhood

though there are still people who are

depraved and weird why can't they do it

outside well so when i used to work

crisis there was like

there was

a very like residential area in

nashville and i went and there was a

woman she was not doing well and needed

to be put in a psychiatric hospital sure

like she was like sweeping her roof in

the rain

and like

yeah it was very much like i had to let

the trees grow over my house because

like the cia's spying on me kind of

energy oh man um she wouldn't get off

her roof

and then the police were looking at me

like how do we get her off her roof and

i was like that's a you problem i just

write the paperwork together into a

hospital right i know for

for kittens you call the fire department

so maybe give them give them a ring just

see um

as someone who worked for the fire

department they would not have come i

know i know and so

yeah

what was interesting to me was the lady

finally she was to be to her credit she

took the ladder down from the roof and

was trying to sneak back into her house

not knowing police were behind her house

and so then she like got hog tied and

they're like taking her to her car and

it's like a very residential area and

i'm on the street in the rain while all

of this is happening and like the five

surrounding houses where all of these

just like hipster millennials

drink in their blue ribbon

like just like sitting on their front

porch watching this woman get

hospitalized and i'm like what a weird

energy

so i'm here to guarantee you

that at least

three of those individuals tried to work

that into their new stand-up comedy

routine

or because it was nashville

their song there you go yeah

right so all that said

the book didn't take place in nashville

and so all this happens in the front

yard and like jordan's like [ __ ] this

[ __ ] i'm leaving right and so then she

decides like he's not gonna claim me

he's not gonna say anything like she's

like i'm out and so she's like i have a

friend she runs a motel out of state i

think in like west virginia and she's

like i'm gonna maybe not west virginia

am i manifesting that i don't know i

maybe it was in virginia i think it was

west virginia anyway

her friend owns a motel and she's like

i'm gonna go live with her are they met

on a school field trip to washington dc

that's what it was i don't even remember

so washington dc and west virginia are

very different places just to be clear

they are but geographically they aren't

that far from yeah geographically all

things considered they're not that far

from each other you're correct right

so

she leaves and decides she's gonna like

go stay with a friend and is like

piecing out of this town

cause it's also between classes her

classes haven't started back up at the

college sure sure because landscape

architecture is her calling

apparently she's very good at it

because she left the models in pike's

house because she had no place to take

them when she bounced so oh and he's a

contractor so he would know

exactly

i'm making the connection right so then

he pike goes like jordan pieces he like

can't get in contact with her um and

then he goes to his ex's house and then

she's like just let you know our son's

new job he joined the military he

shipped out for basic

this morning or yesterday or whatever

stars and so then pike feels really

guilty and he like can't get in contact

with the son because his son is

ambassador right exactly

so there's all of this and then jordan's

gone this whole time and like the like

pike has really been reconciling with

himself where he's like i can't give her

like what she wants because like she's

this like young girl and i'm an older

dude and like

i i could never be what she wants and

just really self-deprecating and like

not really having any insight into her

actual goals or dreams or desires right

he's doing a lot of mind reading

right a lot of assumptions going back to

earlier in the book where he didn't ask

he just made assumptions right right and

then he made a fool out of himself

so so he continues to be a fool as men

often do 100 so now he doesn't have his

his

19 year old girlfriend nor does he have

his 19 year old son

can't get in contact with either of them

he like he goes to the strip club he

goes to the hook to be like ask her

sister like i just want to like talk to

her

and then he's like gifts are like like

there's 100 bill on the table and it's

like i'll give you like just like tell

me where she is and then the sister

needs him in the balls

and then takes the hundred dollars

i was gonna say please tell me she

doesn't sell her sister out for a

hundred dollars like no she's better

than that i love that right and i really

did i was going to say i think she's my

favorite character in the book that

you've she's just a good supportive

character she does show up throughout

the book and it's like seems like you're

really into your boyfriend's dad

and jordan's like no i'm not and

sister's like whatever you say so there

is a lot of that and all right babe

right

so

pike is now without a girlfriend

or a son or a son

and then

he's lonely sure and gets really ahead

on work projects for his construction

company and like there's a scene and

he's like just installed a clothesline

in my backyard who the [ __ ] needs a

clothesline these days i just needed

something to do have you ever noticed

that like when when these male

characters get sexually frustrated

suddenly like

they're the most productive they've ever

been like i didn't realize that sexual

frustration was akin to like

a damn for producing electricity you

know like

like like because the sexual frustration

has been stoppered they have like all of

this energy that goes towards like

productive things which can be helpful

which makes me think that

for all the ladies out there we should

sleep with our husbands less so they do

more around the house i don't think

that's actually how it works in the real

world because i feel like i feel like

what happens in the real world is

your partner gets sexually frustrated

and then it's just grumpy

and then you're like yeah honestly i'm

not really in the mood

yeah because we're a little bit grumpy

right now like at no point in my

relationship with my husband have i ever

been like

oh

he's fixing the broken leg on that table

he's probably sexually frustrated like

at no point has that not ever crossed my

mind yeah no i don't think i've ever

watched my husband unload the dishwasher

and thought

he needs a good hard ride you know like

like my husband is building a gazebo in

our backyard

i should hop on this dick

like it's not

in books it's always they're like i got

nothing else to do so i guess i'll get a

hammer and a nail gun i mean my husband

went under the house the other day

because he was sexually frustrated

i was like why are you under there and

he was like i was just checking it out

and now i'm wondering

i'm not filling in the narrative

because per our conversation i'm like

cool what's going on in my head and i'm

like so your husband masturbated in the

crawl space

no i don't think that's how that

happened because somebody so okay okay

okay back up so the reason that he was

checking the crawl space okay is because

a couple of months ago he went down to

change the air filter and found that the

door to the crawl space was open and the

light was on down there and we did not

do that oh that is unsettling yeah i was

like well i don't feel safe thanks for

telling me that honey i really

appreciate that so we got another camera

and like a whole situation we do live in

the middle of nowhere

so part of the reason why he was going

down there was to make sure that the

crawl stays crawl space was still locked

up and the last time that it had been

left open a really dumb bird got in

there and couldn't get out and died down

there so he was also i guess checking

for dead

birds

so i just want to make sure we're all on

the same page your husband was in the

crawl space because

he was making sure it was secure yeah

and there were no dead birds your

husband was not in the crawl space

because he was sexually frustrated and

had no other outlet i mean i really hope

not i'm not really going to start

talking about my own sex life here but i

would really hope not

you're like i would be shocked i mean

you're like not to toot my own horn i

would be shocked if that if i found out

that was why i don't mean to brag but i

was there and i don't think that's the

issue

okay so pike sexually frustrated pike

actually he built i don't know he he

built a

picnic table with like a cooler built

into it he built benches for it he built

a clothesline he's just building

whatever he can his like best friend

co-workers like we're like two years

ahead on projects

calm down dude yeah like something is

clearly this man needs something else in

his life other than go rub one out

because yes yeah that is

his friend's energy so then pike

goes into jordan's old room that like

still smells like her and he hadn't been

in there and then she had this like jar

of

papers that were all like wishes and

dreams and things like that but they

were all like really like cute and sweet

they were all like start my own like

holiday family tradition and like

kiss someone in the rain i don't know

i'm making [ __ ] up at this point

go forward like go mudding like all like

very 19 year old things to want to do

yes like very like sweet attainable

things yeah that then like pike is

reading through these and being like oh

like

i could have given her all of these

things that she wanted

and so then he goes to the bar that she

used to work at the sister

the stripper sister because she's the

sweet angel baby of the entire book

she's been covering some shifts at the

bar of course

so she's stripping and working at the

spa to cover her sister's shifts

and he's like i really miss her like i

want to see her and they're like

okay well like it's not on like we can't

decide for her so like sure like we'll

tell you she's at a motel that her

friend owns and then like he like that's

like all like

in virginia or west virginia i think it

was west virginia and then they're like

cool that's all we're giving you then he

still had to work for it

and then

he shows up at the

hotel sure and where there are a lot of

beds and doors with locks i imagine

there was only one room left because

because this is actually in the book um

because a dude shows up and buys there's

only six rooms left and he like get

takes five of them for his girls

yes and so

for his harem or is he a pimp i'm pretty

sure he's a pimp because there's another

book that the i'm still not sure the

release date but penelope douglas has a

book called motel

it's about the friend

who runs the motel and i believe

the pimp falling in love because they're

both really into 90s trivia something

like that so that's the connection they

needed so all i can think about speaking

of 90s trivia although i know this isn't

90s but like you know that ray j song

sexy can i

of course so all i can think about now

is that bit where he's like um

uh i've got a girl at the crib we can

take it to the momo

you can bring a friend you can ride solo

that's all i can think now

anytime i hear the word motel that's

what i think of

whenever i think of the song sexy can i

i just think of get it from the front

can i hit it from the back no i like it

like that yep 100 that's that's the only

i'm like that's all i need from that

song so i'm really glad we got to share

that thank you

ray j how you doing my guy so there's

one room left yes so there's one room

left and so

um yeah that was a little bit of a

teaser at the end of the book for this

other book but

the release date keeps getting delayed

she does have a book called motel

penelope do you have nerona why are we

getting delayed have you had their own

since 2020 like i mean people can get it

more than once according to my research

they can

and i don't think that's what's

happening here

but i think they they can i just i just

made an assumption much like pike the

crew right fish

presumptuous pike

just out there making all these making

all these judgment calls that are

not working in his favor no

so

then they end up together

and then she

and she moves back and they live happily

ever after um his wife not his wife

she becomes his wife his son

um he meets a nice girl when he's

stationed in japan and so like they have

a kid in the future and then he men's

fences oh yeah i forgot to mention the

sun does show back up before pike goes

after jordan

like he's done with basic and he's like

i got the letters you sent me i got the

phone cards you sent me and i was like

well i didn't use the phone cards to

call me that's why i gave them to you

but i'm glad you used your phone cards

um

and then like the stuff so that's not

how it works in basic it's not prison

it's not that's not how it works in

basic like you get you're missing the

point of this book

i don't think that was the point

i don't know why that's that's the thing

you're like hold up this is the one

plot hole in the entire book it's not

prison that's not how it works but

anyway thank you so he shows up yes okay

carry on and the son like is like hey

dad like i recognize like that you've

always been there like you took a second

mortgage out on this house so i could go

to college and i dropped out after my

freshman year and like i remember like

this birthday party where mom got drunk

and got in a fight with her ex and like

you took everyone here instead and i

remember when like you

lost a job because you came to my like

birthday or because you came to my game

whatever it is and so like the sun is

just like acknowledging like i know we

haven't been close but like you haven't

been a shitty father i just like have

still been disconnected and so they

start bonding and they get matching

tattoos and it's a it's a thing

and okay

and then he goes after jordan and then

like the epilogue is like

well then they get engaged at some point

in the final chapter i believe and then

the epilogue is like 10 years in the

future and like she's a successful

landscape architect

and they have children

and her ex-boyfriend also has children

the same age so sometimes they'll help

watch them and they're all like they

have a great relationship now um they go

mudding at some they go mudding a couple

times in the book it just didn't feel

that pertinent

and

that is essentially birthday girl

um

what i'm going to rate birthday girl

yeah

how many birthday candles does it get oh

birthday candles yes okay um

well she's 19 so it's out of 19 birthday

candles until her 20th birthday okay so

it's out of 19. yeah so out of 19

i would give it like a solid like

13 or 14. birthday candles what what

what is the the

the [ __ ]

i don't know what you're asking what's

the percentage i just opened my clock

instead of my calculator so okay so like

what's 13 out of 19 or 14. let's do 14

out of 19. okay okay hold on

14 out of 19 is 73. well considering

you gave 5 out of 7 which was 71 on den

of viper we're on par

we are let's see what the rest of the

world has rated ooh that's a good idea

so the rest of the world has rated

birthday girl no i don't want the office

profile i just want the book

um with 86

000 ratings on goodreads oh my god

4.06

stars that's too many stars that's

pretty damn good yeah

i so part of me feels like i should read

that because i have i have not read it

but another part of me feels like i

would need

to like mainline

wine if i was gonna do that like

yes like big age gaps are a struggle for

me

i will say of all age gap books this one

was one i like i actually didn't

struggle with

i feel like there's some age gap books

where i'm like

like creedence was the one i rated

really poorly

i cannot i cannot with that one we're

going to record it's not just me yes

that's going to be all of it in and of

itself i honestly i think for the amount

of time we spend we're never going to

get two books in one episode we're gonna

get one book an episode and count our

lucky stars that we made it through and

we're gonna feel good about it yes so

birthday girl

14 out of 19 birthday candles okay um 73

percent 73

maybe 15 depending i've i've read it

twice no i've read i think i've read it

three times oh my god here's the thing

over several years okay i think it's

like it's one of those books that i'm

like about once a year i'm like oh i

could go back to that but it's like a

like not quite a comfort book situation

but like

a book that's like

i don't want my brain to work right now

yes i read it

like i'm like yeah like i've read like

it's an easy read

there's enough smut

there's not there's no blood play it's

like a safer smut

there's no breath play there's no ring

there's just like a nice age gap and

some loofah masturbation

and some other things with that there is

some other sex i'm struggling with that

with the loofah

i i just i don't like texturally i feel

like that would be a struggle i wouldn't

be into that

no also if you're already

like if you are already mid

masturbation

i don't feel like you're like you know

what would really add to this experience

a loofah

some rough ass

friction

well but then there's also i have a lot

of questions about the loofah like was

it one of those like natural ones that

was or or was it like one of those

plasticky ones yeah like was it like a

walmart loofah that you just get from

that aisle or was it like

when you go and get like a like a actual

sea sponge yes precisely i don't think

it was that given the tone of this book

okay at no point did they say sea sponge

i mean i don't

pike using a sea sponge is too much for

me

i would just like to reiterate jordan

used a loofah no but i mean but it was

i'm pretty sure it was yes

oh so you just met like pike using a sea

sponge on his entire box

like on a daily basis

like pike isn't

into a sea sponge yeah he doesn't strike

me as a man who intentionally exfoliates

and i feel like if you're using a sea

sponge you know the word exfoliate you

do and you do it regularly

all right i'm really glad we had this

time together me too what a great book

review what a great episode so

thank you all for listening thank y'all

for being here and being a part of this

read birthday girl or don't if age gap

lupo sex isn't your thing

it is not mine i won't be reading it i

feel like i

got what i needed from your retelling so

thank you you know i'll take that

and i do think that like you're like

yeah i'll read this book where they

shoved the knife handle up her ass but a

loofah is too hard for me listen here's

what i'm about to do i'm about to put it

on my goodreads as read because i feel

like like you telling it to me i have

experience

you got the experience even for as much

of that book because i was like i don't

[ __ ] know it it happened like that

that was a trivial detail you're like i

still understand including like the

boyfriend's name i don't i don't need to

know those things i have experienced the

book now and i am eternally grateful to

you for that so thank you well

i'm glad i kind of bring that to your

life

i hope you'll have a great day yes

goodbye enjoy adios