Smut Club

well

hello all you beautiful people

you know what time it is

[Music]

ladies and gents

guys and dolls and everyone in between

gather round

get you something real nice to sip on

and comfy to slip on

because it's time

for smut club

here's your hosts chelsea and hannah

[Applause]

hey y'all hi everyone welcome to smug

club i'm hannah i'm chelsea how you

doing today

you know great wonderful how are you

you know i think i've been asking our

listeners

i just decided that you met me i meant

everyone oh i guess it was the

colloquial we

how we doing today how y'all doing how

y'all doing

how's everyone doing today um um

not necessarily related to this i saw a

tick tock earlier this week where

someone was like can a white girl with a

nose ring tell me what planets are

making me sad right now and it cuts to a

girl and she's like

earth

earth is what's making you sad right now

oh and as a white girl with a nose ring

with multiple nose rings i was like [ __ ]

man yeah here we are

so

let's just jump right in today we uh

what do we got we have three simple

rules by nikki sloane okay um it's the

first nikki sloane book i had read i've

read several sins i'd say it's

probably my favorite that i had read of

hers um

there is plot

what a refreshing change

[Laughter]

yeah so there is plot um there's also a

lot of not plot so

there are parts of my outline that i was

like dying laughing i was like listen

it's a chapter and a half

of sex

like like it's 28 straight pages of

descriptive language

[Laughter]

so we are still meeting expectations for

our audience

yes it's it definitely qualifies as smut

um

we aren't here for the great

storytelling

although some books we've read have

great storytelling you know and jerry's

out we'll go through this one see how we

feel ultimately

about the level of storytelling

we open with evelyn

evelyn evelyn

um goes by evie

really only her best friend can call her

eevee no one out like everyone else

calls her evelyn

so like depending on how close you are

to her

you can call her evie okay i don't know

maybe i feel the same with like chelsea

and when people call me chelse like

there are people that i'm like i don't

know you

maybe don't call me charles sure right

sure that probably happens less with

hannah yeah nobody calls me han

no no one's ever like hey han han no i

hated that

and your face was immediate regret

oh man

no no one has ever said hey han han well

my other thought was it's still it's

still two syllables it is yeah so it's

not shortened it's not helping anyone um

i i knew a guy in grad school named

sammer

and he once met someone and he was like

yeah what's up man my name's sammer and

the dude was like oh short for sam

and he was like i didn't know how to

respond to that

that's magnificent short for sam no

there really aren't any good nicknames

for hannah

that are short it's all hannah banana or

hannah montana or

whatever

so we went to our niece's um like

disney spectacular chorus performance it

was like an hour and a half of middle

school

chorus performances i'm sorry that

happened to you

some of them you were like yes slay you

are killing this and there are others

that you're like there are just 50 of

you on stage not knowing what the hell

anyone is up to right now stay in school

kiddos but it was funny because when i

think disney's spectacular i think all

of the classics right um

and like they had like a hannah montana

number and like

camp rock i think i don't know i'm not i

don't know the

the disney of the youths

we're not hip to the jive of what the

kids are doing with disney nowadays no i

was like oh they have songs

i guess we're listening to them

but yeah the the little girl who had the

hannah montana

solo did like so great and it was really

endearing and then there was like a

lyrical dancer behind her that looked

like she was doing an audition first so

you think you can dance and i was like

you are

this is very impressive for middle

school um not all of it was

something i could say that about

so fair enough so back to three simple

rules evelyn we have evelyn evie two

were friends

not hannah montana

um she's out with her best friend peyton

who is self-described maybe not

self-described i don't know this book

y'all um as a hooker with a heart of

gold

good for her yeah

so they're out to eat and

um peyton is a hooker with a heart of

gold and evelyn is very much like she's

like this

exotic escort and i'm

mousy brown and like

i'm pale in comparison next or like just

in that like way that i feel like every

girl describes herself at the start of a

smart book yeah my girl has some

confidence like i'm too curvier i'm too

skinny or i'm too pale or my hair is too

curly or whatever it's always like my

hair is not quite curly and it's not

quite straight

so what is it i have questions also just

hair style it right

they make a mousse for that

they make heating tools like there are

like so many different things you can do

i have several non-heat

no heat curling methods

just dm me or something

i'll send you a youtube i might also dm

you know

i'll send you a youtube perfect all

right so hooker with a heart of gold is

the best friend peyton and then evelyn

is our main girl she's like i'm kind of

nondescript and mousy brown and like

whatever like i just like pale in

comparison next my best friend so she is

a graphic designer at a marketing

company um

and she has this like douchey [ __ ]

boss logan

who had gotten promoted and kind of like

became a tyrant and is like a dick and

makes people cry and everyone hates them

um

so

evelyn gets a project back from print

that she's been working on is like so

excited and then when she sees the final

prints

she's like [ __ ] they got like the legal

warning label wrong on it she's like it

was the placeholder that i had been

using and i didn't check it first and

like [ __ ] now they have to reprint all

of this and it's gonna be like thousands

of thousands and thousands of dollars

so she's like [ __ ] i don't know what to

do so she goes and like has to like tell

logan when she's like super like nervous

and scared about

and then she's like

she really wants to move up in this

company and so she's like trying to take

ownership and she's like okay you know

what i own that i [ __ ] up this project

and i'm going to spend my own money

to

get these things reprinted

because we can't ask the client to

absorb that cost right right and so

logan is like

cool that's gonna be like

roughly 10 grand or like 12 grand or

like something very yes not low number

so then she thinks have her best friend

peyton who's like been offering

her and she's like hey like if you ever

need my like come work with me and so my

favorite line is she's like all right

i'm gonna like save the project

i'm about to become a [ __ ]

that feels like it it escalated real

quick everything in this book escalates

real quick

there's no de-escalation

it's just like oh we're doing this so

she calls her best friend peyton and is

like hey

i'm gonna take you up on it i don't

think like i'm probably not gonna do

this long term but it's like maybe like

a one night only

and so peyton's like yeah baby how much

do you think you're making

it's a very exclusive sex club hannah

okay

okay

very exclusive

for one night of work all right

well so we learned some details about

this club along the way as well um

we learn

as i said it's very exclusive

um i believe there's a membership fee

and the girls are blindfolded

and so it's like you're strapped down on

the table you're blindfolded you don't

know who you're [ __ ]

they come in you have like a sales

assistant who's kind of like handling

the bids

and

so i but i also think like being a one

night only would like

increase your value yeah

you're an exclusive right right

i don't know how much people normally

pay for these things

don't either but i'm pretty sure 10

grand is a bit much

so

i'm inclined to agree but nikki sloan is

not so

that's how we ended up here fair enough

um evie calls peyton and is like hey i i

need in and peyton's like okay so she

takes evie to her guy her

pimp almo i don't what manager manager

yeah

let's go with man manager um for an

audition

and so what is an audition for this

entail you have to give joseph the pimp

manager a [ __ ]

oh

okay

what a job for joseph

what a hardship

i mean if they're bad at it it might be

they use too much teeth i was gonna i

almost said is there any such thing as

like a bad [ __ ] and then i was like

yeah probably too much teeth would do it

um i also in college there was a guy

that there was like a group of us

hanging out and he was talking about how

like one time a girl gave him a [ __ ]

and she like actually thought that just

meant blow on it

um so she was just like blowing air on

his dick

oh

i stand corrected so like

teeth and just some

don't ever do that [ __ ]

don't ever do that [ __ ] again

yeah so joseph the pimp manager gets a

[ __ ]

it was a gentle breeze on my [ __ ]

face

well so unlike joseph i don't think that

elicited the response we were going for

i'm so sorry about the gentle breeze and

now i'm very aware of my breath and like

feeling very insecure about that so so

tell me about joseph

honestly my only line is joseph the pimp

manager job audition

there's not more details but i guess it

went well enough because then i'm like

okay we need to give you a makeover to

get you ready so then joseph's like go

see my girl at the spa and the salon and

like

she gets her hair done and her makeup

done and is like looking good i don't

really know why you need your makeup

done if you're gonna be wearing a

blindfold but that's neither here nor

there

um

so we also around this time learn about

one of her about one of evelyn's best

friends blake who like

they've always kind of like they've had

that like will they want they tension

but it's always been bad timing and he

has a girlfriend

and so she's telling him that she [ __ ]

up at work um and that

she's going to [ __ ] herself out on

saturday to make up for this money um we

also find out that like they hooked up

on new year's eve they like made out he

still had a girlfriend at that time oops

yeah blake is a douche canoe he's going

to be a douche canoe this entire book

we're just going to do that now is this

a reverse harem

no okay okay just setting the stage for

myself

okay

i just wanted to set my expectations

accordingly did yeah has my description

thus far not given you great

expectations of what to look forward to

i don't i don't know what my

expectations are but now at least i know

not to expect a reverse harem

i know what not to expect

there's a lot that you shouldn't expect

with this one

well keep going well okay so yeah we we

have the friend blake and she tells him

about the plans to [ __ ] herself out on

saturday night also i like really don't

love the word horror or like being like

and she's whoring herself out it was

used in the book which is why i'm using

it

um

i just felt like i needed to give that

as like a little like yeah side note

yeah um

so

everything is going according to plan

peyton and evelyn show up the club on

saturday night um guess who's up outside

of the club

like yep and blake is like

trying to talk her out of it and then

like drops that he's in love with her

he still has a girlfriend and so

he's like i love you don't do this if

you do this it'll ruin us

i'm like what us bro you have a

girlfriend you asshat there is no us

babe yeah

like

i don't know like also are you gonna

give me 10 grand right now like mind

your business

that is the other side of it right and

she's like i'm not doing this because

i've just always wanted to try it

there's a financial means to an end here

um

so at the club they meet up with joseph

and evelyn gives him the signed contract

and in the contract it has all like the

check boxes of like what she like will

and won't do and what she's okay with on

like the very exhaustive list she's

checked like

two things that she's okay with and then

she's like wait give it back and she

checks like one more

we don't really know what was checked

she's just she's like saying things what

is she checking i mean we kind of we

learn a little well actually we learned

two out of the three i'm

we might have learned the third honestly

i skimmed parts of this

that's fair

yeah as like as i had said before some

of these sex scenes are like

real long

in a way where i'm like we get it

like what what was the

the 69 bottles book that happened yeah

they're like this has more plot than

that but there's definitely moments

where i'm like

okay we get it let's move on

um yeah so evelyn checks a few more

boxes of things that she's willing to do

and then they get her all ready in a

little robe and then she meets tara the

sales assistant who's gonna be there and

tara's like i forget exactly what it was

but it was like if i mention sports that

means he's like

attractive

and if i like talk about traffic it

means i think we can get more money or

it's like things like that that she's

just kind of prepping her for um

and then

tara gets her in the room all settled on

like they're like

it's not a bed in the room it's like a

they almost describe it as like a

surgical table that had like a leather

top on it okay

and drawers underneath that were filled

with like sex toys yeah or like condoms

and like all of so

it sounded like a

kind of sterile but cozy environment

intimate environment those are mutually

exclusive i feel like

i feel like sterile and cozy are

mutually exclusive

well i'm like you could

just like a doctor's bed with a leather

top

sounds not cozy but then i'm like i

guess with like the lighting is dimmed

maybe it feels different i mean i guess

if there's stuff on the walls and like

you know i guess it could be made to

feel more

plush than yeah yeah an example

i think i got caught up on the wrong

details

i think you might be right

[Laughter]

so they get her on the table and

blindfolded and it's like velcro straps

holding her down

and like one guy comes in

and

they're like they think they can get

some more money out of him then he's

really just kind of kind of window

shopping and wants to like see all of

the girls who are available that night

and then it's like a long time before

someone comes in

and evelyn's like does it normally take

this long and terry's like no but a

non-member has requested to put a hold

on you

and evelyn's like is that a thing that

happens and tara's like not really

that's why it's taking a long time

because we don't really know what's

happening here so is it blake or logan

i'm not gonna tell you yet hannah fine

fine fine we're blindfolded we're

blindfolded um

dude comes in tara is like he is very

attractive like just super sporty yeah

like says whatever the initial thing is

and then it's kind of like

yeah that's just what i say to let her

know someone is very good looking just

like owns it in the room and then it's

like would you like a taste

and they're like scoot down on the table

and so

he

licks her and then he's like i'd rat no

no no that's not what happened

tara's like would you like a taste

swoops her own finger

in

to evelyn's bits gets some juices

and then like lets him lick them and

then the dude is like i'd rather drink

straight from the tap which is a line

that i [ __ ] hated

the look on your face says you feel the

same way

i'm not a fan of that whole exchange if

i'm honest well and something she's like

okay you can like drink from the tap and

so then like during these negotiations

like they start

they're like 20 grand and he's like i

was thinking nine they're like 15 grand

he's like 10. like how about 12 grand

and at this point evelyn is enjoying

herself so much while blindfolded that

she's like 12 grand sounds great that's

as much as i needed to cover all my

debts let's do this [ __ ] and tara's like

we could get more money and she's like

i'm in the throes of passion he wanted

to drink from the tap

let's stop saying that it's not

necessary anymore please

oh

oh god

if that's the line that does it for you

like that's that's the limit

of all of the [ __ ] we've said on this

podcast so far that's where you're like

chelsea i draw a hard boundary here

i don't know

something about it feels very wrong

so

she's blindfolded she doesn't know who

it is they give her a great orgasm and

then

then the person who gave her the great

orgasm is like i have some rules i have

three rules

um

no asking questions rule number one rule

number two is

you answer all of my questions honestly

and rule number three is you don't come

without my permission

i hate all of those rules carry on which

rule do you hate the most

um

well it's the combo of one and two i can

ask questions but you can't

i don't like that

that's fair i don't like that

is it does it change in this situation

because i don't like those rules as a

whole but no i don't think it would

matter the situation i would be like

um no i'm not going to answer anything

if you're going to be like that but

that's probably just because i'm an

obstinate person

what you i know i most people consider

me to be very agreeable but honestly

they're wrong

well evelyn's just having such a great

time that she's like i she eagerly

accepts all these rules she's like yes

yes yes i agree to all these rules and

at least

three times in the book twice in this

scene he says do you like having my big

[ __ ] in your [ __ ]

okay

and she's like yes okay she has to

answer all the questions honestly

exactly you can't lie about that you

agreed to the three there's only three

rules three simple rules

what was that what that sitcom a long

time ago for dating my god for dating my

teenage daughter was it three simple

rules eight eight eight simple rules it

was eight simple rules i think that's

where kaylee cowoco got hers yeah

and um john what's his name

never mind it doesn't matter it's not

relevant at all my husband will add it

to the show notes it's fine

um so he's like yeah do you like having

my big [ __ ] in your [ __ ] and he i'm

like bro we get it you're well endowed

but also in my head i'm like does he

doth protest too much like you keep

saying it

okay who are you trying to convince babe

right like everyone in the book is like

his [ __ ] is so big i'm like

we get it like i think that's a lot of

this book i'm like

we get it

and so when she says yes i am enjoying

your

your big [ __ ] and my [ __ ] he's like

then i think it's time to lose the

blindfold

so he whips off the blindfold now is

your moment hannah

it's logan oh my stars i kind of figured

yeah well i we would have thought maybe

like blake

would have done something differently if

like you know what i mean like yeah

because he he

tried to shoot a shot out in the parking

lot and it didn't work so i don't

imagine that you're suddenly like well

i have 10 grand burning a hole in my

pocket

let's see how this goes

so

logan takes off the blindfold and then

she's like oh my gosh what but like he's

already inside her and still just like

pounding away

um

and then she comes

but hannah

she did so without permission

you guessed it she broke rule number

three so soon he just explained that

we literally just talked about this evie

get your [ __ ] together

yeah so

she comes and then he's like i didn't

approve that so then he turns her over

and spanks her

um but like tara has to help with like

redoing the wrist straps because she was

on the bed um

on the medical on the leather medical

table

not the bed awkward um

i wonder how much money tara makes

like i want to know

how much do you have to get paid for

that yeah like what's your cut of it

yeah is it like being a a busser or a

bartender where you get a cut of the

server's tips at the end of the night

like you get a percentage of their sales

because i feel like you should because

she sold hard

did she because she was like evelyn you

can make way more money but that's what

i'm saying she was selling hard evie's

the one that backed out

or back down i guess she didn't back out

yeah well and i like honestly don't

remember i think like evelyn like needed

10 grand so with the cut that like the

club would take like

she needed to make 12 grand

for however much she'd actually be able

to take home i don't remember the

numbers it was nine grand who the [ __ ]

cares

um

so she gets spanked which was on the

approved list that is something that we

learned was on the approved list got it

somewhere in the scene honestly i don't

quite remember where

um logan like is like about to like go

for her ass and she's like oh i don't

think i'm ready for that and then he's

like you did mark that you were okay

with anal on the list and she's like but

i don't think i am and he's like okay

that's fine never mind then

honestly

for the amount of money you're paying i

would feel gypped

like

be pretty agitated i probably would have

cut two grand off the top if i had known

that your ass was off limits right like

here's the thing because

it was already agreed upon in the

pricing you're changing the rules post

pricing

ah cool man and not at that price point

i mean maybe probably not at any price

point but like that's a decent amount of

money maybe for logan he doesn't care

maybe he has so much money that it's

like whatever

we learn that he doesn't but we'll get

to that oh dear yeah so he spanks evie

and then

they are still going at it and then all

of a sudden like she hears him like say

like oh like you're being a bad girl or

something like that and then she looks

in the corner tara is still there

through all of them

tara's masturbating in the corner over

how hot it is with everything they're

doing

and so then he's like do you want to

come join us and she's like looks at

evie and she's like can i come join you

um and she's like sure i don't know i've

never done this before but like

my body's not telling me no so sure

let's try it and so

she comes and joins him on the table but

then it's like hey logan man like if

like tara's like if you touch me

it's a lot of money only she can touch

me

so then

while

evie is bent over the table and logan is

railing her from behind tara removes her

panties sits on the table scoots down

and then logan

coaches evie

through

eating out tara

okay

who like apparently it's like a really

great experience for everyone

everyone gets an intense orgasm well

that's good and then logan is like i

would have paid 20 for you and takes off

and like emmy's like wait wait like we

need to talk about this you're my boss

and

like tries to follow him and tara's like

once they go to the payment room you

can't follow them so like come with me

we'll get you cleaned up and we'll get

you your money and you can be on your

way

awkward yeah

a lot of it is

[Laughter]

i'm gathering that yeah

so evie leaves the club both blake and

logan are outside at this point

and

she's like blake realizes that like

logan was probably the dude evie was

just with he doesn't necessarily realize

it's her boss but like evie like has to

kind of get between them and

mediate and then payton is out there as

well with evie and like blake just like

starts insulting peyton and he's like

[ __ ] you [ __ ] i'm like nope

blake

you are such an [ __ ]

nobody likes you no one likes you

maybe your girlfriend

although probably not even her at this

point if she knew half the [ __ ] he was

doing

right yeah i just

he's like an ongoing character that's

like a bug bite where i'm just like oh

you just

we're still there

that's annoying yeah that's how i felt

the entire time um

evie ends up leaving with logan and

they're like we should talk and so he's

like i'll come with me so they go back

to his place

and on the drive

he was like yeah well i wanted to ask

you out like before i got promoted but i

thought you had a boyfriend because she

had a framed picture of her and blake on

the desk and she's like no like blake

isn't my boyfriend he's never been my

boyfriend he's just a good friend he's

dating someone

and she's like no one at work would care

if we dated and logan's like well they

would if i promoted you

and you're like oh okay so we kind of

see what happened

they get back to logan's place my notes

literally say they [ __ ] all night she

sleeps over

well that's nice

i mean i figured that was maybe better

than like just giving you the 30 pages

worth of detail

of their sexual escapades yeah i don't

feel like i need more i feel like the

description that we had of the first

round was enough for me to understand

what we're dealing with

yeah and this time tara is not in the

room

tara did not go home with him what a

refreshing change

so evie sleeps over and then in the

morning

logan's mom is at his place nope and was

like cleaning and then it's like oh you

must be the girlfriend he like hadn't

told me about or like that he hadn't let

me meet yet

and

and evie's standing there and like she's

like what

is happening oh my gosh like

i don't know what to say and then logan

comes out from like the bedroom behind

her and he's like yes this is the this

is her the girlfriend that i hadn't let

you meet yet and then he's even more

like what the hell is going on i am not

your girlfriend nope nope um

and so when he's like yes this is her

then his mom goes nice to meet you

evelyn and she's like she knows my name

holy [ __ ] okay so logan wasn't just like

sort of into her like i want to take her

for coffee this is like creepy

level we do get more context we just

don't quite have it yet but it is one of

those things that i'm like

the awkwardness

i can't imagine it's like an ick factor

like the first time you sleep with a man

at his place and the next morning his

mom happens to be there and knows your

name

well let's take it back even further the

first time you ever have sex with this

man he paid 12 grand for it and there

was another chick there

and then the next morning

you meet his mother and she knows your

name that's too much

that's too much i wholeheartedly agree

but i think even if he hadn't paid 12

grand it would still be

too much it would it's just another

level i feel like of just way too much

yes i'm like

poor evie yeah

i don't

i don't know what i would do in that

situation

i would probably do what she does which

is freak out and be like gotta go have a

great day

and then his mom is like oh don't forget

this it has your name on it and it's her

envelope of cash

oh god

just like thanks so much and like

bolts and takes off

no what a story for the grandchildren

cool

grandma how'd you meet grandpa

well one time she [ __ ] up at work

and needed to make 10 grand real fast

so i paid to [ __ ] her

and we lived happily ever after and

that's the book

so kinda

yeah evelyn freaks out she goes home um

blake shows up at her place and is like

i'm so sorry like tries to mend fences

and he's like

says i love you again

and then evelyn's like

cool did you tell your girlfriend about

all of this and he's like

no

my notes literally just say what a

douche canoe

accurate and then logan doesn't have her

phone number because they haven't been

closed at work before so then he like

emails her from work and he's like i

need your cell phone number the one that

listed in your like personnel file isn't

right

she doesn't respond and then he like

sends her her address that he got from

the personnel file and he's like i'll be

over in 20 and she's like don't i'll see

you tomorrow like we're not doing this

and she completely blows them off

they get to work the next morning she's

always a little late to work and when

she gets there he's like sitting in her

cubicle waiting for her

and see my previous comment about creepy

stalker awkwardness

i mean i guess not can they work

together so it's not like he showed up

in her office also it was bone long

pre-pandemic so like i think people just

like saw each other in offices more like

working fully remote that would be

unsettling yeah

he and

logan ends up giving her this like big

project that like she's like a junior

designer

and she's been like angling to like get

senior designer but isn't there yet but

like normally you need to have a senior

designer working with you mm-hmm and she

doesn't and he like gives her this

project that's

a big project for her level

so then she's like excited about it

because once again she's been angling

for a promotion

and so then logan emails her and is like

hey i need your help with this logo as

well and since you were late you can

stay late

she's like okay well that makes complete

sense so i guess i'm gonna stay late

like girl

that's not how that works it's not not

at all

she goes into his office

tosses the envelope of cash at him and

it's like here's the money like this is

weird i'm i'm out and he's like okay

please stay we need to talk about this

and she's like why would i and he's like

well because now we're like if you stay

the the three rules are in place and

she's like why would i care if the three

rules are in place and he's like because

now they apply to me

so now i can't ask questions and i have

to answer all of yours and i can't come

without your permission i guess i think

it was more for the first two in this

situation

so they end up talking and he explains

his mom's comments his brother is

getting married in a week or two

and he needed a date for the wedding and

he had always been interested in evelyn

so like he just kind of threw her name

out there but was kind of just like

planning on telling his mom like

yeah she broke up like with me and so

that's why she's not here

and then he's like it just kind of

happened that you were the name i gave

because i'd always kind of had a crush

on you and then right and i see you all

the time so yes and then

he's like

what was my luck that my mom

that it was you and like

it made it a little less creepy okay

yeah we'll go with a little less creepy

but then she's also like where did you

get the money from

and he's like i got it out of my 401k

the look on your face right now

logan

that's not just passing interest or like

a little crush 10 grand out of your 401k

is a big deal

yeah

i was like

really felt like he didn't think through

the ramifications of that maybe got a

little impulsive about

getting laid

but like they describe him as being so

good-looking with such a big [ __ ] and

i'm like was it really that hard to get

laid

like you needed to take money out of

your 401k for it

apparently he did apparently so

then evie's like how did you know i

would be at the club

and like

how did you figure that out and so then

he's like i need you to come to my desk

and

write an email and she's like okay this

is weird so like she goes to his desk

and like starts writing this draft and

he's like you're emailing yourself like

from his email and it was called like

company

computer usage policy or something like

that no

and so

she starts like writing this email that

he is essentially dictating to her

while he's undressing her and fingering

her while she writes this email

and it was essentially like don't use

the company computer to check your

personal email even on breaks

and he had seen when he'd stopped by her

desk to talk to her about the project um

he'd seen the club logo it like pop up

and he'd he just assumed she was

freelancing somewhere as a designer to

make the money so he wanted to know like

where she was freelancing what she was

doing

like violating a non-compete or

something exactly right but instead

realized

how she was going to make the money and

then he was like i mean i didn't want to

talk you out of it i was like kind of

into the idea

and then they bone on his desk

okay yep and then they go out to eat

that's nice for stir-fry

you were so excited about the stir-fry i

could [ __ ] up some stir-fry right now

honestly i could usually [ __ ] up some

stir-fry it sounded like it was like a

mongolian grill sort of place where you

like make your own then take it to the

people and then like they put it all

together for you

are those places still a thing i don't

know i think a lot changed with

covet and all but yeah

i'm i am highly food made motivated and

so the idea of any kind of stir fry is

doing it for me if i'm honest yes but i

also feel like those places were like

really big around like

five yeah that's what i'm like yeah

like i feel like

or at least maybe that's when we got

them where i was growing up and yeah the

time in florida

maybe they're still a thing i'll have to

find out

so they go get stir-fry

adam make your own stir-fry place

and then they're like he's like i am not

really looking for a relationship but i

am interested in continuing to [ __ ] you

because that was really great and she's

like okay well

yeah sounds good but like i

don't

um want you [ __ ] other people

if which i'm like i i think that's a

reasonable

request yeah and so they agree not to

sleep with other people but it's very

like label aversive although all right

hannah what are your thoughts on this

because i do like when people are like

we're not together

but we aren't with anyone else

and we'd have to have a conversation

with each other

if that were to shift and anyone else

were to be able to come into the picture

i'm like

so you're dating

i mean i think

so when i think of of dating or like a a

boyfriend sort of relationship

there's some level of commitment there

and it's not just sex it's like we're

sort of

not necessarily doing our whole lives

together but we're spending time

together that is not sexual

that's a boyfriend girlfriend we're

dating situations so the difference that

i think i hear you saying is the the

difference between commitment and

exclusivity yes is commitment

involves non-sexy time yes

excellent active listening

i didn't go to grad school for therapy

for nothing nailed it it was for this

moment on this podcast i've been

training for years

waiting for my moment goal achieved

no okay i do think that is

that's a decent description

yes so they're like there's no labels we

aren't going to sleep with anyone else

um

but we are going to keep sleeping with

each other and then like the the

promotion thing is like an ongoing

thread throughout this where like

there's a promotion kind of coming up

which is also why it would be important

for it to like kind of all be under

wraps um

and then also in this conversation

evelyn like tells him he's an [ __ ]

boss

and he's like what like i'm not that bad

and she's like you make people cry with

your reviews and he's like wait what and

she's like

yeah like and he's like have i made you

cry and she's like no and he's like well

give me an example

and so she's like

you made that girl cry and he's like did

you see what she turned in

and she's like yeah and so then he's

kind of like well what feedback would

you have given and it was a little bit

more like

helpful and he kind of like realizes

he's an [ __ ] he just proved her point

yes yeah because she was like i would

maybe say it's cliche

and to maybe sit down with a designer

who has a really different style and

point of view is heard like see how like

they would maybe approach it and he's

like oh

maybe that's better than just telling

her it's lazy shitty work

you think

they then go back to her place and they

start making out and as they're making

out blake shows up [ __ ] blake [ __ ]

blake the douche canoe he shows up drunk

off his ass and is like forcing his way

into her place and she's like not the

time like i have company and he's like i

left amy

i told her everything

and i left

amy and she's like okay

still not the time and he's like i don't

have any other place to go because she

kicked me out

and evelyn's like

that is still very unfortunate but also

still like

not really my problem right you should

have planned this better

yes i'm like you you didn't think that

through like you didn't think that maybe

you should have a place to go like also

from how evelyn has been responding to

you lately

take a hit man it's not her place that

you're gonna go

not quite the same i did know a guy

who'd like been on like a european

adventure with his girlfriend and then

decided that they needed to break up and

he broke up with her at the start

of their flight back to the state no

i'm like did you not think this through

my guy clearly he did not because i'm

like cool now you just have to sit next

to the person you just dumped

for at least six hours

after spending a year in europe together

i don't know if it was a year well an

extended period of time in europe

together yeah there was some sort of

european adventure i'm like did she not

catch vibes

during the trip right

i had questions i had no answers but i

did have a lot of questions and honestly

i'm pretty sure that was 10 years ago

and i still have a lot of questions and

no answers the questions remain yes

hey there's my puppies

we'll get you right back to the show in

just a moment

but first do you like us

maybe even

love us

because we sure love you

and if you do love us

don't tease us

tell us in those ratings and reviews

wherever you're listening right now

maybe even send us over to a special

sexy someone that would enjoy getting

smutty with us

because you know the first rule of smug

club

is to talk about smut

club all right

i won't keep you any longer

let's get back to the show

[Music]

anyway back to blake the douche canoe um

logan is still at evelyn's house and is

like

what the [ __ ] this is not chill this is

not okay so then logan is like

she's my girlfriend you can't have her

so we went from dinner over stir fry of

like we're gonna [ __ ] with

no

just exclusivity around [ __ ]

no commitment no commitment

to now

she is my girlfriend

and you know i just thought of too i

think when

when we say like girlfriend or boyfriend

or whatever there's an expectation for

the future

and when you're just [ __ ] somebody

exclusively it's like there this isn't

going anywhere this is just like we're

banging

and when we're done we're done or if i

meet somebody that i see a future with

we're done but like there's no

there's nothing we're not building

anything

that's also a fair point so for him to

be like she's my girlfriend it's like

baby what yeah i'm like we really took a

hard pivot there and then he's like okay

so now that you're my girlfriend will

you go to my brother's wedding with me

i'm like this escalated so much over the

course of the night right and then they

bone again

i'm assuming blake left

yeah at some point it wasn't a terrorist

situation where he was it was a corner

situation will there be another

terror-like situation who can say i can

say there will be

what a build-up

carry on right just

not even really a teaser it's still all

in this episode

um

and then they're like okay well now that

we're official rule three always applies

to both of us so now like neither of us

can come without getting permission from

the other person

you the look on your face you are so not

about it i don't like it when she's like

what if like i haven't seen you in a few

days like when i'm asked basically you

need to call me

before you come no

no i will not

what are you gonna do

how are you gonna know mind your

business right and that's like at one

point she's like

she's talking to peyton and peyton's

like how would he know and she's like he

just would and like no he wouldn't

the how long does your post-orgasmic

glow last my girl

just

realist like how would he know

like i'm not i'm not advocating for

lying in a relationship right

but i'm also like how would he know

exactly

yeah and

um my notes then say i don't really

remember this part i think they don't

see each other much because his family's

in town some phone sex i don't know

that's what your notes say that is

literally verbatim what my notes say

some phone sex i don't know i think she

like had to call him to get permission

to orgasm or something sure

like i mean i guess if it works for you

and your relationship dynamic

yeah it's just not something i would

sign up for

no there was a book that i was reading

recently

oh also nikki sloane now that i think

about it

that is a interesting trilogy that we

will probably review at some point

because it is all kinds of [ __ ] up

um

but like one of the characters

that in i don't know there were i think

there were like five books in that

series the first three were the trilogy

and then there were spin-offs but and

one of them like the girl's always like

you get to choose what i wear to work

every day

and he like loved that power and control

and like that dynamic really worked for

them

so i'm not knocking it if it works no i

mean i guess i'm i that's that is just

not for me and that's okay but

i would be very resentful if i had to

pick up the phone and call somebody to

ask permission you know i would be very

resentful i don't want to be their

couple's therapist when you come in with

that resentment no

awkward gottman the four horsemen

resentment is in there it is you're so

right

[Laughter]

oh

once again i think i'm getting caught up

on the wrong details of this book

it's now the rehearsal dinner

sure

evelyn goes and meets his family and

everyone's like really excited to meet

her

um because he hasn't had a girlfriend in

a while which we will learn more about

in the future and then after

they

go to the rehearsal dinner they end up

going out for drinks with peyton

um he fingers her on the drive there

and then like while they're out at

drinks payton is like could i ever watch

y'all cause like tara back at the club

said it's real hot

i'm like

okay so it's also not like

a secret keeping exclusive club right

we're not super secret

secret secrets are fun for everyone

apparently situation they're fun for

peyton

they're fun for peyton um

my notes then say more sex sure

he comes without permission that bastard

and then says since i couldn't follow

the rules you don't have to follow that

rule for the rest of the weekend

what a free pass

to give

y'all i wish you could see hannah's face

here because she hates

so much of what i'm saying in this

entire review

it's just like

sad

it's just like a grimace almost like a

disappointed grimace

i just took a selfie if you guys need to

see it

we can put a link in the show notes

um then there's shower sex in the

morning

and

he had gotten back from a run because

he's training for a marathon

and then the shower was really hot

she passes out from overheating from

over exertion

in the shower

okay

that's really

like then the scene ends like he's like

oh i'm so sorry and like takes care of

her and goes and gets her like a old

bottle of water

[Music]

[Laughter]

so literally literally nikki sloan did

that as a plot point to be like look

he's not just into spanking he takes

care of her he is into her right

like i said

this book is like a lot of sex with a

little plot between the sex sure

it's not a it's not

wait for it by is it marianne is that

marianna zapata or is it marianne zapata

i should know because i actually really

love all of her books and i've read all

of them it's just been a minute and i

just read that one too

hold please

like her books are all plot and then

there's like normally one sex scene at

like the 95 percent more

right and it's not it's a lot

um it is marianna zapata

highly recommend that one she's like the

slow burn yeah she's the slow burn queen

there's not a lot of smut in that one

but maybe we'll review it anyway no it's

just good

yeah it's

more like a love

slow burn love story of just like real

life things and really endearing people

very much so yeah yes

but yes that is all plot one sex scene

this is the opposite a lot of sex and

like

some plot

maybe 10

15 o'clock

20 plot i don't know

yeah so she overheats from going too

hard at it in the shower

and then

that is the morning of the brother's

wedding nick i think is the brother nick

and hillary

and logan is the best man

and he's like hey you're going to hang

out with my cousin chelsea that you met

last night i'm not going to like leave

you just to sit by yourself which is

also kind and sweet very thoughtful um

that is always the worst like when

you're like someone's wedding date and

they're in the wedding and then you're

like cool cool i don't know anyone here

i just

i'm sitting by myself right

yeah

i don't know i had lots of thoughts and

stories i've been to some weird [ __ ]

weddings over the years

evie's hanging out with chelsea and then

this like super babe blonde girl shows

up and her name's april and then we find

out

that

they're like oh yeah that's logan's ex

and she's like oh like one of his exes

they're like no

the one the one they dated for 12 years

damn they started dating when they were

like 15. ouch

yeah and so then like that's kind of it

and she's like why the [ __ ] didn't

anyone tell me like

i am also like why didn't you give her a

heads up also i don't know i say that

but to his credit when she tells him

later that like april's there he's like

wait what like he didn't know she was

going to be at the wedding i was gonna

say why is she even there

well because she'd known the brother for

12 years but would an [ __ ] move for

the brother to pull to invite her and

not tell him it sounded like her parents

had been invited and she showed up as

like she she came with her mom

she invited herself maybe it's not the

clearest or maybe it was and i skimmed

those are the options fair

um the wedding continues evie tells

logan that his ex is there and like he

truly didn't know

but after the wedding they do have like

a good conversation about their exes and

he gives her some context and he's like

we were just like we started dating

really young and we were different

people and wanted different goals and i

wanted this job that was in the city and

she told me not to take it and i did

and it was an hour commute each way and

she gave me an ultimatum that like i

needed to propose or was like her the

job

i chose the job and so

but also i guess like

27 if you started dating when you were

15 and you dated for 12 years yeah i'm

not great at math but that's how math

works right it's 27.

i'm not really the one to confirm but

that feels right so carry on two plus

five is seven seven

nailed that [ __ ] that's why we're

therapists

yeah and then like she gives some

context about blake that like the timing

had never been right that they had

hooked up at new year's and logan was

like well he said that you told him you

like loved him at new year's and she was

like

i did i was also drunk and lonely and

like yeah

like don't give him too much weight or

too much credit

um logan my notes then say logan asks

her to masturbate in front of him he

goes down on her

they make love for the first time

instead of [ __ ]

important distinction in smut

in the morning

they have more sex

[Laughter]

he tells her to be quiet this time

in case i ever want to do something like

this in a public place

i need to know you can stay quiet

while i finger blast you i guess

my words not his

name yeah so then like she successfully

orgasms quietly that is what my actual

note says and then they're like oh like

they're still in the moment and then she

just kind of blurts out i want you to

[ __ ] me in the ass

and he's like wait what like

like now

like like

like right now yeah and then she's like

uh

i don't well and as as we said earlier

it had been on her approved list at the

exclusive club but his dick is huge so

maybe she took his huge some second

thoughts about it well and she didn't

give him the discount when she told him

he couldn't

so he's like all right we'll do this in

the future i need to get a few supplies

sure so that way it'll help you enjoy

your first time thoughtful oh so she's

never done it she's never done anything

why would you check it that is not the

time to feel adventurous also

just think we're being adventurous

enough well and i also had this thought

what if it hadn't been logan

yes and the blindfold hadn't come off

yes

and you check boxed that [ __ ] and what

if he didn't ask first or say it first

and just went for it

yes

there's a lot of problems here so this

could go wrong in a lot of ways honey

so many ways

he tells her he needs to get the

supplies

okay um and then

drops her back off at her place after

the wedding and then she

decides she's like i need to make amends

with blake like i'm never going to be

with him i just care about him a lot

i need to clear the air so she calls

blake to make amends and then he's like

amy took me back

i'm gonna propose

actually i think he he had proposed but

then later i think i don't know it got a

little confusing

amy took him back

and they're getting married yeah but i'm

like girl

want more for yourself i want more for

amy and she doesn't have a single line

in this book

i want more for

evelyn with who she chooses as her

friends this is not a person i would

want to be friends with

i agree

but all right some like question some

context did you ever have that person in

your life that you're like okay like if

we're both not married by this age

because it sounds like it's like kind of

that friendship like they've been like

dancing around it for years they've

never been together

and so while i think blake is a huge

douche canoe

i guess there is some context that like

he really just started showing out at

the beginning of this book so if you're

like 10 years into a friendship

like if you're 10 years into a

friendship and then you tell your friend

i'm gonna go [ __ ] a stranger at an

exclusive club so i can pay off this

debt and then he's like please don't do

that i love you that like not just

saying not excusing a lot of his

behavior not excusing him calling peyton

a [ __ ] and trying her to [ __ ] off like

none of that is appropriate a lot of

things he did are not appropriate

does it change if you have that much

history with them

maybe maybe if if their behavior is

completely out of context and like i

could see it being like you know maybe

they're going through something right

now and they need me as a friend but

just based on his behavior in this book

i would be like you are not the kind of

person that i want to associate with at

all yeah no i agree just based on the

way he spoke to peyton like you can

leave out the other [ __ ] but just the

way that he spoke to her i don't even

know peyton obviously and i did not read

the book but i feel very protective of

her and he needs to mind his business

i'm pretty sure this second book is

about peyton

maybe i'll read that one i bought it

earlier i will report back i have not

read it

okay

um

so yeah they make they have this phone

call they make amends

and then evelyn goes over to logan's

place that night

they they have dinner and he has the

supplies for anal

like a boy scout always prepared well

apparently he wasn't and that's why he

had to drop her off earlier

they do a few shots for

emotional lubricant

bravery

liquid courage that's

i couldn't think of the term

i was just gonna let you keep going

oh i'm staying away with emotional

lubricant

it's so much worse

it's so way worse

i literally i'm like what is the word

i'm like like i was just gonna let you

keep going you made me snort

yeah nothing says

emotional lube like some tequila shots

oh why

hannah this isn't a new problem we all

know i frequently forget a word and then

i just like try and find it you did you

fail miserably

one time i was teaching a yoga class and

couldn't think of the word fist so i

said raise your hand ball into the air

and everyone turned in they're like what

the [ __ ]

you've officially made me cry twice

i made myself cry once and that feels

that's that's a new impressive record um

yeah so

some liquid courage emotional lubricant

whatever your preferred terminology is

and then he's like all right

go to the bed get naked but leave your

heels on and then he brings in all the

supplies he has like batteries a

vibrator

um

lube

and leather handcuffs

those don't feel needed for anal no

but could be fun just i was like if she

checked it off on the list

maybe that was the secret third item we

don't know about

yeah so he brings all the supplies

then my notes literally say chapter into

half

28 pages of foreplay leading to anal

okay

so we know she was well prepared

and they they had a great time she

thoroughly enjoyed the anal mm-hmm and

then like she made a comment about like

next time and he's like oh like there's

gonna be a next time

um okay would you know

for his big [ __ ] you do need 28 pages of

foreplay and some emotional lube to

prepare

you need several kinds of lube emotional

is one of them but definitely not the

only one needed nope

yikes maybe that's a sponsorship we

should go for like a lube brand sure

ky

yeah

maybe a different one we'll explore the

options

maybe we won't

i'm gonna shut up about that now

at work

we've we made it past the anal scene

where uh the anal chapter and a half

we're now at work and logan is giving

kinder feedback to people in the meeting

and everyone's kind of like

everyone's a little shook by it like is

he high yes

and then someone asks evelyn like oh

who's working on like that big project

with you that he'd given her at the

beginning of the book and she's like oh

i'm doing it alone and then the girl's

like i didn't realize you've been

promoted

and evelyn's like oh i haven't been so

like everyone kind of like

starts to think something like might

kind of be up getting a little sus

yeah logan meets her parents we don't

actually see that scene we just like

kind of hear it happened and then at

some point she tells logan she loves him

he has not set it back but like

she's like yep i'm there

they go out for drinks with his friends

she stays over

he goes on a run in the morning because

he's training for his marathon she hears

the door open and then like walks in

after like she just got out of the

shower

and like the fridge door is open and

just sees like some legs there and she's

like

you you gonna [ __ ] me in the shower are

you too tired and like drops the towel

it's his brother good standing there

right yeah love that but that's really

the whole scene

like he comes back in his brother makes

a joke about it and he's like yeah just

let you know evelyn said she wanted to

[ __ ] you in the shower

what a thoughtful and he's like why did

you tell my brother that she's like i

thought it was you and he's like we look

different and she's like

his face was behind the fridge door i

didn't know

why would someone else be in your

[ __ ] house but like all of these

like i would like to go back 28 pages

were spent on foreplay and an anal scene

and i'm pretty sure everything i just

described between meeting her parents to

dropping the towel happened in like

10 pages

so i don't know what sort of scale

meeting the parents to dropping the

towel like what it would be used for but

it's gonna be the scale that i used from

now on okay so from meeting the parents

to dropping the towel how would you rare

are we

back at work now because

everything goes really fast that is

between meeting the parents and dropping

the towels being at work i think

is that the five on the scale the

neutral middle

yes at work in this case

in this case yeah you know it's a very

specific skill it does not work for all

situations

they're back at work and then it's

announced that there's a merger

happening

with another design company

and there's a new promotion opportunity

um where they're like wanting to hire a

new supervisor for each team

and

so evelyn's all excited and she's like

decide she wants to apply for it

then logan like text her and he's like

hey let's go to lunch and he chooses a

place that's like eight blocks from

their office in chicago so that way like

no one will see them

and then he's talking to her about

applying and he like totally thinks she

should and that she'd be great at it and

suddenly he's like go to the bathroom

like right now and so she like goes into

the bathroom

and apparently like one of their other

co-workers had shown up for lunch

so logan leaves and then when evelyn

walks out of the bathroom the other

co-worker's like oh

weird seeing you here logan was just

here too and so like things are just

kind of awkward closing in on how subtle

they can really be

um and rumors are definitely starting at

the office and people have noticed like

she's in his office more and she's like

oh it's because he's giving me feedback

about that like project i'm working on

i'm like

feedback is that what we're calling it

these days

i'd rather call it feedback than

emotional lube i'm just still really

stuck on that i'm so sorry for to all of

you for that

logan gives her a key to his place so

like things are escalating between them

um but she doesn't see him much because

of the merger that's happening

and then she and blake say that they're

gonna go get lunch

and logan is like all out of sorts about

it and i was like not really a fan

like

he like was forcing himself into

your place while super drunk yeah like

more than just like i'm a jealous

boyfriend he's like you kept saying no

when he kept doing it and i'm if i'm not

there i don't like don't feel great

about this yeah it feels unsafe yeah so

he's like will you cancel so she's like

yeah okay fine so

she calls blake to cancel and then blake

is like

yeah so amy's pregnant

and so then she's like okay let's go get

lunch we need to talk about this and

process this a little bit so they decide

to go get lunch and then logan's like

hey girl where are you at

she's like uh

[Music]

lunch with blake and he's like

where are you at and she's like

sandwich place potbellies

and

so

then while they're sitting there she's

having this conversation with blake

about everything and

um it's like telling him that like she

thinks logan is the one and

like maybe it never worked out between

you and me because it was always

supposed to be him but because i was so

wrapped up in you and our friendship and

well they won't they i just like never

really saw him in that capacity and now

i can so like i was like saying all

these things as logan shows up oh dear

which she doesn't realize and so then

she's like how much did you ever hear

that

was like she was like that was not for

you

yep and he's like i got here around the

time where you said

like our like being in love with me was

like hearing birds sing or like some

sort of [ __ ] and she's like oh man

you've been here a while

you've heard most of that oh no

um but went well because logan was like

obviously showed up

thinking it was going to be a

confrontation and be pissed and then

like well that's kind of a welcome

surprise right like you get there and

you just like hear your girlfriend

telling another dude how much she loves

you right and so then like logan and

blake more officially meet in a chill

capacity and then because the sandwich

shop is nearby her work a co-worker

shows up for lunch as is normal and

then is like oh like are y'all all here

together and logan's like no i was just

asking evelyn and her friend what their

like favorite sandwich was here before i

order

and then the co-worker's like let me

tell you about my favorites

he's like [ __ ] man read the room but

yeah he's like i really did not give a

[ __ ] about your favorite sandwich but

here we are it was my out yep

yep

so then after that logan texter and is

like we need to talk tonight and she's

like oh [ __ ] like is he pissed about the

whole like blake thing

but then when she gets to his place he

has flowers oh and it's like apologized

for not trusting her and like assuming

it was kind of gonna be worst case

scenarios like once again things are

progressing well between them

the next day at work someone drops by

her desk with a birthday card to sign

and she's like oh whose birthday are we

signing this for and they're like

logan's and she's like what [ __ ] it's

logan's birthday i did not know this and

i'm his secret girlfriend and i did not

have anything planned

so she's like what am i going to do what

am i going to do and then she remembers

peyton asking if she could watch and is

like that's a great gift

okay

[Laughter]

um yeah so decides that that's what

she's going to gift him um he had a work

thing was going to have to like or i

don't know he had something he wasn't

gonna be home until like after eight so

evelyn and payton get to his place early

because she has that key now

they they do a couple of shots at

tequila for emotional lubricant

and peyton's like how how many shots we

do in and

evelyn's like just the drunk side of

drunk

description

which i'm like how many shots is that

right i was like i have a lot of

questions because

i'm not gonna lie i don't know about you

hannah

the last time i did shots actually i'll

tell you the story the last two times i

did shots

both of them have led me to the

conclusion that shots are not for me no

same um one i was doing shots not at all

i was waiting for my hair appointment

with my sister this was when i was still

living in nashville

and i was at a bar next door

to the salon and had had two like pretty

high gravity beers

and then a dude and his girlfriend came

in i was just chatting with a girlfriend

just having a great conversation he was

a rum distributor and they carried his

room so he's like i'm like the three of

us shots i'm like it's rude to turn down

a shot in a situation like that and it's

also not like i can be like

sorry i can't i'm on antibiotics that's

why i'm only drinking beer like there's

you know like

it is there's not really an easy way

it just feels rude to turn down a shot

okay so i'm like okay fine i'll do a

shot um they it was not like a shot

glass it was like like a tumbler it was

like a triple pour in a tumbler and i

was like okay i guess we're doing this

so i down all of it and then i

it was literally i had to cross a

one-way street with no traffic to get to

the salon and i was like

[ __ ] i've made a horrible mistake i was

so drunk my sister couldn't cut my hair

because i was slumped over in the seat

chelsea my sister was pregnant at the

time

she takes me back into the break room

cuts me up an apple with some peanut

butter i start crying about how good of

a mom she's gonna be and then i had to

like she was like chelsea i have plans i

can't take you home and i was like

that's fine i can just sit at my car and

wait this out i was texting with a

co-worker and he was like do i need to

come pick you up and i was like

probably

so he's like what parking where are you

i was like the parking garage behind the

ihop and you're like [ __ ] okay

and i don't remember it this way but my

he's like yeah

your shoe you just left it and then like

you got out of your car and your shoe

fell out and like in the middle of the

parking garage and you just left it

something i have always wondered where

those single shoes come from on the side

of the road they are me

that is how we got them like how do they

get there why are they there um the

other situation was we were having a

cousin's night and we were all out and

once again i think the problem is like

i'm normally already several drinks in

by the time someone says we're doing

shots so someone bought shots

um one of my cousins was like chelsea i

don't know what happened i turned around

and you were [ __ ] gumby on the dance

floor she was like actually she's like

you weren't gumby you're one of those

like wind men like

she's in used cardigans

she's like you were a used car

dealership wind man with your how like

bendy and you were on the dance floor

then i realized i was not feeling well

at this club i was like i need to go to

the bathroom so i find a bathroom

just sitting in a stall trying to get my

life together wondering how i got there

and then i was like i just need some

like i need cold water so i go out to

the sink i'm like splashing cold water

on my face so this is my experience of

this whole thing um my cousin's

retelling of this story is that

i disappeared for 30 minutes

they couldn't find me and i was like i

was in the bathroom there were two

bathrooms they didn't know i somehow

found the other bathroom

so

i'm gone for 30 minutes and i'm

splashing water in my face trying to

sober up and they're like yeah you're

gone suddenly you show up sopping wet

and just say

we need to leave

oh chelsea am i like the cousin that we

were all staying with she was like say

no more round them up like gets all our

drunk asses together the one who

described me as gumby on the dance floor

assumed something had gone wrong luckily

like

thank goodness nothing had gone wrong

right but she spent the entire uber ride

back to the house going chelsea did

something sketch happen

oh

which was very pure and very sweet um

i would like to know that was

almost six years ago and in the cousin

group chat this week

my cousin was like i just found a

picture from the night

and i'm not in the picture of course

you're not because you disappeared into

the bathroom yep um

so that's my experience with emotional

lube

and i yeah

like the first one i was like okay maybe

it was just a fluke the second shot

situation i was like shots aren't for me

and i've embraced that and i'm okay with

that we've come to accept it yes but

evelyn and payton are doing shots to

prepare so they can be just on the drunk

side of drunk

i was way past the drunk side of drunk

so i don't know how to get there with

shots if i'm being

honest um

then peyton's like okay i'm gonna get

the blindfold back on you we're kind of

gonna like recreate

the club situation

so she like gets evelyn blindfolded and

on the bed and then starts like kissing

evelyn and evelyn's like you're my best

friend what's going on and she's like

i'm just like warming you up for him

and she was like

i think peyton's really been focused on

like how hot terry described the scene

and has like wanted it in this entire

time

so then she

asks if she can go down on evelyn and

everyone's like you're my best friend

and i don't know if that's chill but

like this feels kind of good so

we're on the we're on the drunk side of

drunk sure

and so then

why is that cheating

yeah

my thoughts

it was just

a series of grunts that was not words

and that

was um

exactly what my mental processing was as

the scene happened

so then evelyn gets close to coming

and is like i need to call logan for

permission and that's when i had the

thought like

you're you're gonna call your boyfriend

and be like my best friend is going down

on me right now

can i come so had some thoughts and

questions there but she's like i need to

call logan for permission

and like i need to ask him and then she

hears his voice in the room and it's

like ask me what and she's like wait how

long have you been there

and he's like

yeah she was asking me if she could go

down on you she wasn't asking you so

like he's been there

the whole time yeah pretty much because

she had the blindfold exactly she had

the blindfold

and then she's like well i only want to

come if you're inside me

because of his big [ __ ] you know sure so

he's like all right scoot up to the top

of the bed

and then he just puts his dick in her

mouth and then hayton is still going

down on her and then he's like yeah well

like my dick is inside you and i'm like

this feels like a workaround

but sure here we are

then payton asks evelyn if she will

share logan with her

and evelyn's like

i mean it's his birthday so sure yeah

but i do have some rules three three

rules i know we're all surprised since

it's not the name of the book or

anything

um the three rules are no mouth kissing

oh okay a condom is needed

and you can't come with her you have to

come with me

okay

i really feel like there should have

been more rules

okay like maybe that's just like logan's

like

so i can put my mouth anywhere on her

except her mouth

and evelyn's like

her the rules yes

i like

okay okay um

my notes then say another gratuitous sex

scene peyton's panties in evelyn's mouth

so she won't be too loud goes on for a

real long time

happy birthday logan

[Laughter]

happy birthday indeed yep

um then

we are now at work the following monday

there's a new project that logan's like

does anyone want this and everyone's

kind of like not making eye contact not

really like about this project but

evelyn's like

sure i'll take it and he goes thanks

evie

and calls her evie evie whatever the

nickname in front of all of the

co-workers so then the co-workers like

ask her about it

and she's like what no like i heard he

had a girlfriend and they're like yeah

well he was sleeping his way through all

the other departments so

which department do you think she's in

and evelyn's like wait what like i

didn't know about that uh oh

yeah so at his place that night they

talk about it he confirms he's like

he's like i lost my virginity to my

girlfriend because we started dating

when we were 15. when we broke up i

slept with a couple like i think it

ended up being like three different

girls throughout the entire company and

like one it was like

when she put in her two weeks notice

like

so like it wasn't

as dramatic as like everyone had kind of

made it seem right and so she's like

okay i feel better about that

the next day at work is the day that

they're announcing the promotion which

evelyn is assuming she's getting this

promotion

uh oh yeah that's the right assumption

um

and so she like shows up like dressed a

little spiffier because she expects

there to be an announcement in her favor

but she gets a call from accounting and

they're asking about the reprint from

the initial order from the start of the

book oh no and she's like

oh

yeah then they're like well they're like

there's not really like a receipt but it

says it was paid for

um and it was four thousand dollars

and she's like what

how much did you say it was like yeah

the reprint was was four thousand

dollars it ended up being like

985 or something like that and she's

like

what the hell so she goes into logan's

office to confront him on this and is

like

so i got a call from accounting and he's

like they weren't supposed to say

anything

she's like were you gonna say something

and so he admits that like he lied to

her and he got the printer to do it at

cost and that he initially inflated the

number thinking she would like back down

about the whole issue

and then when he learned how she was

going to get the money he didn't want

her to back down

oh so he just like

never

told her

and like ick right and he apologizes but

like

for obvious reasons that doesn't

land soup like she's like still salty

about it she's like i accept your

apology but like

that's part of the rules man honesty

right i'm like it's all about the trust

and you are destroying the trust

and so then he had a lunch meeting that

day and so right after he tells her yeah

sorry i lied about that also i'm going

to lunch with april my ex and she's like

what the [ __ ] and he's like her dad died

over the weekend she's not in a good

place

i think it's just kind of made her

realize like she doesn't want things

open-ended she wants closures like

that's really what this is about and

she's like were you gonna tell me and

he's like well like

after how i kind of handled when you

went out to lunch with blake i was gonna

tell you afterwards

and she's logan

right so then she's like there's two

breeches of trust like it's a double

whammy and one one call

he gets back from lunch and then tells

evelyn like they need to talk about the

promotion and so she's like

yeah absolutely like

make sure when you let kathleen down you

do it quick you rip the bandaid off and

he's like is that how you would want it

done

and like tells her she didn't get the

promotion because that morning his boss

was like so are you sleeping with evelyn

no

because he called her evie in front of

everyone

god damn it logan right and

so he hasn't lied to his boss because

he's like that'll make it worse so he's

like yeah and i'm like okay so they're

like

like she's still a good candidate but

optically

we can't we can't give her this

promotion

and so she's pissed and like he's like

yeah

homegirl accepted the position 20

minutes ago like when so like just like

in the course of like what a shitty day

for her like

thinking you're getting a promotion

and you find out your boyfriend has been

lying to you about so many things yep

yeah so she's like all right i'm going

home early i don't feel well

and he's like

well where like what what's wrong why

don't you

what doesn't feel well

is it your tummy

[Laughter]

and she's like why do you care and it's

like getting louder in the office

because she's pissed and he's like i

care because i i'm in love with you

says it very loudly for all to hear

and so then like everyone's like what

and she's like

i'm still leaving i'm so pissed right

now this is not

yeah and he's what did he he's like i

care about you he's like i care because

i'm in love with you evie and she was

like my name is evelyn and walks out

good for her i'm like

evelyn doesn't feel like a strong enough

name to pull that move off but

good for you girl

logan then shows at her place and is

like very apologetic

and it's like it's a relatively healthy

like adult conversation she's like hey

like i still love you but i'm very hurt

by everything that you did and i need

you to let me be upset about this and

you can't just fix it and like sex won't

just fix this and i need you to give me

space like i lost that promotion because

of what you said

and he's like well like we've all made

mistakes and then she's like kind of

like

have we well but also like she

automatically goes to the fact that like

her mistake with the proof is what got

them into this whole situation and so

then he's like we've all made mistakes

like you've made a mistake before right

then she's like the [ __ ] like this is

not the approach to take right now no

logan yeah and so she's like

i still love you

but just give me a few days right like i

just get away from me yeah yeah

like things are kind of tense at the

office for the rest of the week

um i think it's friday i don't know

logan asks her to come into his office

and like he's not looking too good and

it's like clearly like very upset about

all of this

and then tells her like i'm putting in

my notice today

and she's like wait what no why huh

and he's like well if i put in my notice

then kathleen the girl who had just been

promoted kathleen will get my job and

then you'll get promoted

to that position you wanted

she's like

i really love you for like trying to

help and think through she's like but

you love your job just as much as i love

my job

that let's not do that like don't be

rash don't be hasty and she's like give

me over the weekend like get me until

monday and he's like wait give you until

monday so does that mean you're not

coming to my marathon on sunday

she's like just give me until monday

which also sucks because he has been

training and that's a long that's a lot

of time and whatever

um

but yeah so he's bummed that she won't

be at the marathon so then after the

conversation she like realizes she's

like

i don't need the promotion this job has

already given me more than enough

it gave me logan

like

[Laughter]

so

she's like all right like i'm over being

upset

i get

like he didn't make the right choices

but i get why he made them he was trying

to do the right thing

that he just didn't do the right thing

right and

intentions were good intentions were

good but intent versus impact is a very

real thing yes so she calls his brother

nick and

and he's like she's like i need your

help with something he's like i'm still

a married man

so nick is my favorite character just

like nick on the side here i'm just i'm

here for nick nick and peyton are my

favorites yes

um evie says that she wants to surprise

logan not nick at the at the marathon

nick and logan were actually supposed to

run it together but nick found out he

had like a stress fracture in his foot

before right

definitely a big bummer

and so

she

being evelyn i don't know why i felt i

needed to describe that it's been the

same she this entire [ __ ] book but i

just felt the need to explain it

she

goes with nick and his wife hillary with

all of their signs to like support

logan on his run

and um he like sees her there

gets very excited his goal had been to

complete the marathon and sub four hours

because the last marathon he ran he

completed it in four hours two minutes

he completes this one in three hours 57

minutes really love that these are the

details that were thrown in the book at

this point

and i love that you're providing them

i just wanted it to be a full

full synopsis for you and it is um

because i have a feeling you might not

read this one i probably won't um i read

it for both of us thank you for that

y'all will have to share with you our uh

screenshots of our text conversation at

some points because there's so many

times like we'll text each other a book

and we're like thank you for reading

that for both of us

thank you for reading that so i don't

have to yep

your country thanks you for your service

at the reunion point um like after the

marathon

where like evelyn's like i surprised him

he is then like hey i i have to tell you

something i don't want to keep anything

from you

she's like ah [ __ ] what does it know and

he's like i bought an engagement ring

and she's like when did you buy an

engagement ring he's like the day you

got lunch with blake and he like

overheard the conversation of like her

like saying that she was in love with

him and he was the one

and then he gets down on one knee and

proposes and she's like what the hell

you just had a ring on you and then she

like looks over at nick and she's like

you told him i was coming didn't you and

he's like

yeah and just like he's like i didn't

want it to mess with his head and like

[ __ ] up his marathon if he thought you

weren't going to be here to support him

they get engaged um

i guess happily ever after there's an

epilogue cliffhanger for the next book

which is essentially a month in the

future things have settled down at the

office evelyn ended up getting promoted

to senior designer so it wasn't like the

really big promotions she thought she

was gonna get but she did get a

promotion and

like things are going well now now that

they're out in the open and they're like

we commute together and we eat lunch

together and like we don't have to so

cute right we don't have to live in

secret

um but then like peyton calls her super

early in the morning

and is like i'm coming over like it's

like before 6 a.m

and everyone's like what the [ __ ] like

is everything okay

and so when peyton gets to logan's she's

like

logan got me fired

like i lost my job oh no and evelyn's

like what are you talking about and like

apparently logan has a cold and is

passed out on cold meds so

she like goes and she's like hey babe so

like

what happened

like nathan saying she lost her job

because of you he like sits up and he's

like wait was she working last night

and evelyn's like yeah

and then his phone beeps and he like

looks at it then he looks at evelyn and

he's like i think i did something i

shouldn't have

and that's how the book ends and then

the next book i believe is about pain

but i don't know because i haven't read

it yet um

so that's

so the long and the short of it what

sort of rating scale are we even using

for this is it is it the blindfolds

meeting the parents to dropping the

towel

from meeting the parents are dropping

the towel um

i think it this book can get different

ratings depending on what you're looking

for in it okay okay

i think if you're looking for a solid

plot

we're at meeting the parents okay

um

i think if you're here for gratuitous

sex scenes

we're at dropping the towel okay

i think if we're for the overall

experience between the two

we're at the office

okay

like

it's a quick read it's a pretty fun read

but there are definitely scenes where

you're like we [ __ ] get it

like

please stop finger blasting her

or maybe don't but like just like don't

describe it in such detail right the

detail is unnecessary at this juncture

yeah i'm like

like because i straight up looked i was

like

that one scene the foreplay to anal 28

pages

maybe that's the skill we should use for

play-doh

[Music]

sorry

from foreplay to anal where would you

rate this one i know i don't know i

didn't read it you didn't but you heard

the synopsis

um i mean i guess

um

maybe

a best friend asking for permission to

go down on someone

best friend asking the boyfriend

for permission

so is that like a six

[Laughter]

sure six blindfolds

so we will include a conversion chart in

this week's notes

you know we say that to be sassy but

knowing my husband he will probably make

one um i don't know what it'll look like

but i'm excited for

for where this ends up

um yeah you know i'd say like i'd say

six blindfolds okay out of ten i don't

know how many blindfolds that's out of

but i feel like six is a strong number

for the number of blindfolds regardless

yeah

like it's like one of those that's like

250 pages yeah you can read it

on a rainy afternoon

maybe not

in front of your parents sure um

like maybe not at a coffee shop

right awkward yeah

so maybe that makes it less blindfolds

or you know if you have the blindfold on

they can't see you reading it

[Laughter]

okay so i'm thriving

um yeah so six blindfolds y'all let us

know

what your thoughts are um you have three

different rating scales to choose from

so choose your own adventure on this one

yeah we wanted you to have several

options because there's just you know

there need to be for this one i think

yeah

so

thanks for joining us smut [ __ ]

thanks y'all

i'm i'm sorry for the

every time i said emotional lube i just

i'm so sorry

all right we love y'all thank you have a

great rest of your day and i'm sorry

again goodbye bye

next week on smut club

so that just makes me think of there's a

big boy song well technically i guess

it's big grams he did it never mind but

he says um she needs a vitamin d

overdose and i do mean d

and that's all i can think about now

that's one of my favorite lines and

music ever

well that's it for this week's mud [ __ ]

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[Music]