Smut Club

well

hello all you beautiful people

you know what time it is

[Music]

ladies and gents

guys and dolls and everyone in between

gather round

get you something real nice to sip on

and comfy to slip on

because it's time

for smut club

here's your hosts chelsea and hannah

[Applause]

all right everybody welcome to a very

special episode of smut club i'm hannah

i'm chelsea and this is kaye

what up y'all i don't know

why i'm here but um i'm here because we

want you here that's yeah and you have

read

at least one of the same smut books as

us and wanted to come and talk to us

yeah i'm here to provide the perspective

of some i have never read no okay i'm

lying

after middle school i have not read any

smut and

pause pause

and rewind

thank you you were reading smut oh yeah

in middle school

what kind um so okay

this is going to be very specific but

okay so

let me see if i can find it it's called

like a hustler's wife

hold up you read a book called a hustler

i don't hear i don't think you need to

find it yes by nicki turner by nikki

turner anyone who knows those hood

classics from back in the day yes

because there was a hustler's wife and

then there was forever a hustler's wife

the autobiography of a hustler's wife so

this was the first month you've read

since middle school

when you read a hustler as well and

these are the

like images did your mother know you

were reading these characters no because

we would go to barnes and noble

and then

in this would be in the african-american

book section

would be these books and so me and my

sisters would buy them

and we would just swap them

out

and they were

okay i don't want to be disrespectful

they weren't the best but

they were disgusting and so y'all didn't

read smut books in middle school

no

no no can't say i did

actually all right here's a story of me

reading a book in middle school

um one of my teachers had a little

library in the classroom and there was

this book about this like

no hush let me tell the story

it was not

it was like this like high school girl

who discovered a book of magic and like

kind of became a witch and was doing

spells to get the boy to like her

and i grew up in a pretty conservative

christian household

so i did not tell my mother that i

borrowed this book from the school but

somehow my mother found it in my

backpack

and so she sat next to me on the couch

and read the last several chapters and

then told me how it ended and then

handed it back to me and said return

this

um

so that's what reading books was like in

middle school for me i did not have the

opportunity to

read the hustler's wife

no it was oh yeah and then street

chronicles tales from the hood

absolutely

yeah

yeah we were so i'm adding that to my

list yeah i think we have next

month's month review yeah

so for today

that's going to be next month and i

can't wait and it might not be but it

will get on the list at some point

there's just so many good and bad books

to be reviewed and not enough time to

review them all and we love them all we

really do

we are we are inclusive and welcome of

all smart um today's smut is hidden by

rebecca zanetti yes so this is the first

in a series her deep ops series i

believe

deep ups

you heard me yeah i did i see what we

did there have you all both read all of

the series

yes sam

okay y'all i've only read the one again

like i said but that's okay because

we're just here in my toes

here y'all my toes is just

feeling

the tingle of the water do you all right

well let's just i mean just question do

you want to read more of the series like

after this one were you like i'm

intrigued enough i want to read more or

write down to read okay more or less

but i'm generally a pretentious reader

so i like

we are not going to say

good can't relate to that

i literally just reviewed a book called

that time i got drunk and saved a demon

so my my

bar for acceptable

isn't there

i just don't honestly my favorite thing

is when i review a book and hannah looks

at me and she's like that's some [ __ ]

up [ __ ] and then like a week later she's

like so i read it

your review was spot on and i'm like

i'm like i thought you said it was some

[ __ ] up [ __ ] and she's like it was it

didn't stop me from picking it up i

didn't say i wasn't into it i just said

it was [ __ ] up

exactly

so all right all right yep

[Music]

chelsea's throwing things i got excited

and hit my water bottle i'm very excited

out of the danger zone by rebecca

zanetti you have a wingspan

it's just what i talk a lot with my

hands which does you no [ __ ] good on

a podcast like do y'all see how like i'm

tensed up my whole body because i'm very

animated as well and you know last time

i already almost destroyed your

equipment with

not look at yes vance please move any

liquid my husband just moved his his

beverage out of kay's weight yeah yes

please

you do what you need to do i'm trying

you know we're we're all hands to be

honest

it's true we both talk with our hands

sometimes feet and sometimes feet are

like there's a lot of shoulder shrugging

and you know what doesn't translate

a shoulder shrug um

not speaking and just relying on your

body like non-verbals

don't non-verbal that's the word i was

going for we didn't quite make it there

that's why we're a team it's true all

right so team

rebecca nutty's hidden it opens

to pippa yes and this so also to be

clear this book is

follows one particular couple and it

does sort of wrap up most of the story

in the book for this couple so there's

not a huge cliffhanger it's more

like standalone slash series yeah okay

there's nothing left

i mean there is but not for pippa and

malcolm this so the name pippa

destroyed me this entire book because i

just kept thinking

is it the 101 dalmatians were they like

puppies

yes okay yeah that is all i heard every

time i read the name pippa

i just thought of peppa pig

that's way more so i used to think

pipple was a cute name and chilled his

conversation

i

love peppa pig for one reason and one

reason only and that's the episode of

the show where she's trying to learn how

to whistle

and she can't do it so she calls her

friend the little lamb chick and is like

i can't whistle

and the lamb is like well how do you do

it and she's like you put your lips

together and blow and the lamb is like

like this and then she makes a perfect

whistle sound and pippa does not respond

she just pulls the phone from her ear

and hangs up the phone

we stan a queen that's like okay look

i'm here to complain like you're not

here like why are you succeeding at

something i'm failing exactly that's not

the vibe okay i do know several parents

who are like i don't watch my kid watch

peppa pig because peppa pig's an [ __ ]

she is and i love it

but we love a realistic queen hannah's

like my children will exclusively

watch peppa pig yeah somebody sent me

something the other day that said um

uh if you can't say something nice say

something witty but devastating and they

were like you this is you as a parent if

that ever happens and i was like

yeah i mean

as long as you can make somebody cry but

it's kind of funny that's that's cool

like shot and freud you just like love

shot and freud that's that's your jam

sure

okay anyway so we open with we

open with peppa not peppa pig which is

now what is going through my head and so

pippa is

looking through the window of her house

at her neighbor's house where her new

dangerously handsome

they that was specific wording i noted

okay dangerously handsome neighbor

was moving in

so she's like creeping on the hot

neighbor moving in and then they make

eye contact and she's like oh [ __ ]

didn't want him to see me and so she

just like drops to the floor she does

she hits the deck a hundred percent so

she's watching him he's got this scar on

his face he's moving these boxes he's by

himself she's like does he not have

friends or family he's weird he's big so

rugged strong and so big

and so why do you but like that's why is

you staring that hard like you just

looking out the window for a long time

she like never i mean we'll get there

but she like never sees anyone in the

world so she's just like oh another

human that i could interact with but

like you're just looking imagine like

you just see someone looking i feel like

that's the scariest situation is to see

someone looking at me as a woman yes

through their

yeah okay yeah but like just generally

like it's a different i never want to

see someone looking at me outside of a

window no i i'm with you okay okay so

what i hear is saying is you have a lot

of friends and you can't relate to pippa

in this experience

right

so regardless she hits the deck and like

hides for like 15 minutes yeah so i have

it noted that she hides for like 15

minutes and she's just like flat on the

ground in her kitchen trying to hide and

then

she stands up thinking the coast is

clear but this [ __ ] is now

standing in her window

looking at her

and so she's like

nope and screams real loud and then runs

to her bedroom where she has a panic

attack and takes a xanax

but like he was in the window so he sees

all of this all of it

like this is not subtle this is not

low-key he is watching this whole

journey

and

bless his heart he like rings the

doorbell because he's like yeah hey lady

like i saw you fall are you okay and

she's like i'm fine go away

don't don't come talk to me as she's

like clearly not okay and he just

watched her not be okay at all and he's

like okay i guess and so he goes back to

his house

and then

a new individual shows up at the

neighbor's house

that we learn his the neighbor's name is

malcolm and the dude shows up and it

looks like he's in

withdrawal from alcohol he's got like

dt's in his sweating

all right i had some questions and

thoughts i was like so we're just gonna

have angus force

angus [ __ ] force show up an an

active alcohol withdrawal yep yep and

we're all supposed to think this is like

normal it feels normal because then

naturally our dear friend angus offers

malcolm a job

um because malcolm is a former

undercover operative

and um there is some

hinting about a recent trauma that is

why

malcolm no longer works as an undercover

cop

and apparently angus set him up to buy

this house like made it so that he had

to buy this house yeah like the realtor

only showed him shitty options

except this house like as soon as this

house came on the market he jumped on it

right like

angus forced like straight up

manipulated this man

into buying this house also worth noting

this house it's like at the end of a

cul-de-sac

it's just pippa's house and mal's house

there's like nothing else around except

acreage and while they have two houses

they have a

shared fenced in backyard right because

it used to be two sisters living next

door to each other that built these

houses which is not relevant at all and

so then

y'all got some memory on that ass

i was like wait this [ __ ] was an

alcohol withdrawal i'm flipping through

my kindle right now like goddamn let me

check the source

[Laughter]

she said hold up let me confirm

she's like y'all had a really different

experience of this book

i'm like sam yeah again like is it

relevant to the story not especially

this time

kind of i feel like yeah knowing that

it's in the cul-de-sac it's like remote

like

and like he was tricked

i'm like how the [ __ ] you get tricked in

this economy

how the [ __ ] you get tricked into buying

a house [ __ ]

the closing process i think that this

book in particular

came out several years ago so i think

the economy was in a different place we

were pre-coveted

it was a different landscape okay you're

right you know what i'm saying so

regardless so angus force works for the

homeland defense department sure yeah

hdd hdd as they as they call it um which

sounds like a [ __ ] sti to me

personally

have you ever loved one recently

suffered from hdg

oh man you're totally right um and mal

had been an undercover cop up in like

new york yes

and so

angus had manipulated this whole

situation

and tells malcolm that the chick next

door is linked to homegrown terrorists

and he wants malcolm to watch her

yeah he's like the girl next door is

like the key to the giant like the

biggest threat to national security that

we've seen in a long time and and you're

the best undercover operative we've ever

seen so only you can help us so is the

homeland defense department

is this like some

private duty [ __ ] like because i was

like what kind of sketch

government agency is this

it is sketch it is sketch yeah i was

like so is this like uh this is not

aboveboard is this like the eric prince

like black

whatever where he is the private army

so i think it does get explained

later in the book that angus force

basically manipulated his way into

getting the team that he wants but they

didn't really fund him

and so they're like you can do whatever

you want but we're not going to give you

any money

good luck about it yeah like they

essentially set them up to fail but they

were trying to shut them up

and give him something because of

other stuff other stuff but if they

didn't give him any so malcolm used his

own money to buy

yeah to buy the house what about the

house i was just buying the house anyway

yeah i'm so sorry i keep circling back

well here's the thing i think he was

just buying a house she's stuck on the

table

on these [ __ ] she's like was it

a fixed rate what are we talking here

are we talking like

10 over 30 fixed are we talking 15 year

total what's happening they're an escrow

like these are the dude is this a 30

year like this is

okay so so he was just buying a house

and he wanted to buy a house

and then for manipulated him into buying

this one so he could get him to take a

job for this very poorly funded team

it's not as though like the team is like

like not able to pay salaries but

they're just not like a well-funded have

a lot of resources kind of team right so

pippa is continuing to

watch through the window at the

neighbor's house and she sees that

um the new neighbor has a visitor and so

she opens the door and the visitor has a

dog who like busts in

and knocks her on her ass on her porch

i just want us to note

she waved like she was creeping through

her window again

roscoe the dog who's one of my favorite

characters in this higher series yes

rosco the dog is sitting in angus

force's car like in his truck pippa

waves at him through the window he hops

out of the truck window so she goes and

um opens her front door to greet him yes

and then he knocks her over yes that is

also a very true part of it but i was

also like i was like girl you are not a

good shut-in here guess what okay i was

like it's not giving shut-in it's giving

nosy [ __ ] vibes

but if i'm shut the [ __ ] in i'm shut the

[ __ ] in i don't want to see nobody i

don't like this [ __ ] is very a sociable

and then she's out there baking

all this i'm like you live alone why are

you making hold up here we go

freshly baked banana bread chocolate

chip cookies and homemade this [ __ ] is

wasting

ingredients i just couldn't get over

this i was like who was eating this

in this economy

okay yeah okay so y'all could tell that

i'm finally watching my wallet so like

so it's just fresh on my mind

all right but regardless pippa is all up

in malcolm's [ __ ] and so he comes over

to check on her because he sees that

she's been knocked over and so then she

just like blurts out that she's not a

virgin literally i wrote down the exact

conversation she goes pippa smith he

goes malcolm west she goes

i'm not a virgin or anything like what

i'm like and then in the book she's like

i can't believe i blurted that out and

i'm like

no one is the worst thing he goes is

that an invitation

i don't know that's the worst thing if

well all right question how are you

supposed to respond because if you're

like i'm k and i'm like i'm chelsea i'm

sorry i'll do it the other way so it's

not like if i'm like i'm chelsea and

you're like i'm kay and i go i'm not a

virgin like

our there's no good risk

yes there is you just pretend it didn't

happen you just say okay uh how long

have you lived here and then you just

move on

do you keep a conversation going with

them i feel like that conversation ended

before it began

like i'm sorry if i'm like i'm chelsea

and you're like i'm hannah and i'm like

i'm not a virgin

i don't expect you to keep talking to me

maybe i'm trying to be neighborly i

don't know but regardless pippa is

trying to be neighborly because as kay

mentioned all these copious amounts of

baked goods she just like loads malcolm

up with this [ __ ] and is like

have a have a great day

okay no but i want to pause oh god

because

i feel like every time i say i want to

pause you're like [ __ ] what now

that i felt that in my soul

well i was like what has happened

already

here when he's like is that an

invitation and they just have this like

super intense conversation he's like

why do i scare you and then later he's

like are you just scared of me or of all

men and like why don't you like cops and

i'm like what is like this is y'all's

first conversation ever and we've

already covered her virginity

and

he's like asking all of these deeply

personal questions and she's like are

you agoraphobic i'm like right

are you

mind your [ __ ] business yeah so then

she's like all right here's some baked

goods have a good day like

the whole exchange i'm like what just

happened

and then the the best part to me is

malcolm then leaves the house and

immediately calls angus and is like i'll

take the job

yeah he's like i want to file on pippa

yep

and then hangs up

yep so then

pippa has a nightmare

so we apparently flash forward in the

evening pippa has a nightmare there's a

big storm going on she wakes up and she

sees malcolm is outside in the storm

um and gets hit with a falling branch

and so

yeah like she could she goes to get

water he's having a panic attack in the

backyard during the storm and then just

suddenly

gets hit gets hit with a branch and goes

down it's a hell of a storm

it is

so then she goes out to help him

um like brings them into her house but

like their clothes are sopping wet

don't say the word sopping

and then she says to him you don't have

any fat

she does i'm sorry is that better than

what i said yes

on principle the word stopping is a no

for me

personally

that is a word that like there could be

a scene that you're like this thing's

getting kind of hot and then you like

they'll like use the word sopping and

you're like that killed any and all that

all of it and again i think i feel like

we've said this before the more that i

read smut the longer the list of words i

have that will [ __ ] kill it

yes it just gets long how do you balance

that because i feel like you read better

authors

which we choose not to do but i feel

like the sex scenes in this book were

actually you

just heard that

but okay so as someone who's not into

smut um

this book even though we're not making

it seem like there's a plot i feel like

we're not doing this book justice right

now i feel like we're not doing the

homie justice we're only like

three pages into the yeah

we're seven percent in per my kindle at

this point we are the chaotic yeah but i

don't feel like we're giving so if

anyone's listening and you're like [ __ ]

that you're truly chaotic good yeah this

is a good book you can make neutral

yeah just read the book for real it's

actually good there is a plot even

though we're destroying it

systematically no we aren't destroying

it we're just taking not there yet the

scenic route

exploring the plot right so yes um so

she takes him into her house she notices

that he is super hard and then she asks

him to be friends

and mel's like maybe we should try being

friends when we're fully clothed and not

wearing wet clothing so then they agree

to meet up the next day to go for a walk

and all i can think is like a jane

austen plot where it's like would you

like to go for an afternoon constitution

around the grounds and it's like we're

past that we've seen each other in our

underwear apparently

sopping wet

when your dick was hard were past a

lovely afternoon stroll i heard it

thank you

that's why i used it because i needed

you to hear it

i can't say i won't use it again but i

did hear it

and i'm sorry everyone

so then the next day mal goes to meet

angus at the office where they're

supposed to be just like in like the

basement of a sketchy

business complex yeah and do you want to

say the name of the person

hannah you know i don't want to say the

name but i will we we get to meet one of

my other favorite characters in this

series clarence

woof

woof is one of my favorite characters

throughout the series you're gonna learn

more about him he's quirky as [ __ ] and

we all know

i can't say the word so hannah what's

his real name clarence wolfe

cool

[Laughter]

i think kay just learned something about

me

yeah i can't say the wolf

she can't

we've tried i've tried coaching her

she can't do it it's not a new thing kay

what rhymes with wolf can you

okay

whatever that is rhymes with wolves

no people have definitely tried that

like by association like can you say

that word and we can get back to here

not consistently i can but it takes me a

very long time to say it and it's not

worth it

so i just say woof and hope no one

questions it but didn't y'all read an

entire smut book about yeah wolf

and it was a solo review it was and so

she had to do two solo reviews actually

one about werewolves and one about a

character named wolf

and frankly that it was my favorite

thing we did but i've also noted why is

it such a prominent name in smut i don't

know it like it's in it's all this i

think i feel like it's a primal kink

that people aren't

calling out fully but is clarence giving

[Music]

primal king

yeah yeah he does eventually

future books in the future he's like a

quirk here's the thing throughout this

book like

he has the kitten that will meet named

kat and he likes to get everyone the

lattes with the sprinkles but also like

the way they describe him in an

interrogation i'm like that man is

terrifying yeah he's [ __ ] nuts

so he had a traumatic brain injury

and just kind of leaned into it yep

so now that we've met clarence yes um

angus tells malcolm that pippa was in a

cult and they think that she is a

sleeper agent planning a suicide attack

but they don't know when or where

and then um he also wants malcolm to go

undercover in the cult itself to figure

out what's going on but he wants her he

also wants

malcolm to get close to pippa to figure

out her role in things so he's

essentially

going on two undercover assignments yes

and is like

running point on this so that's about

the only other thing that i would note

that we learned there is the name of the

cult leader his name is isaac leon he

calls himself like

the one and like and the prophet

yes and so like

we've learned a little bit about that um

and we also know that pippa's mother is

still in the cult yes

and then we're back

at the houses malcolm and pippa are on

their walk she is very nervous

and he

for some reason asks her to come

organize his kitchen

i just she's very easily like for

someone who's like made it out of a cult

and is aware of manipulation tactics but

then she was also in a cult

well

she was raised there though yeah

yeah

but still like your point is is fair

because she is very gullible in all of

this and then she in this conversation

lies about her mom being dead and

malcolm knows that she's lying because

he's read her file so she says yeah my

mom's dead and he's like

um okay

and then he asks her what she does for a

living and she says she's a virtual

assistant and he's like oh for like what

type of companies and one of the

companies she supports is a construction

company so then mal is like oh that

means she might actually have access to

explosives so like things may not all be

going great right with pippa right and

or for pipa

so then malcolm goes back to the office

he takes the baked goods that pippa has

made for him so they are not being

wasted i know he's worried about it i

love that yeah so they're not wasted he

takes them to the office he meets the

team shrink nari zhang

um

and

they discuss pippa about like her

psychology and stuff

and um that we also learn in that

exchange that they do have an informant

in the cult so we don't know who the

informant is we just know that somebody

in the cult is already working with this

team to help gather information

um

we also learned that pippa's identity

didn't actually come into being until

like several years ago yes so like she

like it seems like she left the cult

around seven years ago

um is that when pippa came into being or

was that like five years ago she changed

her name multiple times and so pippa is

a newer identity but all of her

fake names start with p

and so malcolm is like i bet her real

name starts with p

because they have no idea so he's just

making [ __ ] up well and you're making

the same kind of password every time so

it's like close enough

so that you can remember it right so

it's just like adding like like one okay

let me shut up for people start hacking

me because i'm looking at my husband

right now because he knows my passwords

are terrible

well and so they also have pictures of a

monthly

meeting that pippa has with another

former member of the cult

that um that girl when she was in the

cult her name was tulip that's all we

really know to identify her as at this

point

or from these pictures and

we learned that they meet at this really

isolated diner once a month

and they're scheduled meeting is

tomorrow morning yes

so then malcolm goes home pick a pika

pippa makes him a casserole

she needs more in her life and like i

get why she doesn't have more in her

life but like girl be a little less

thirsty

she can't

so she makes she physically and then

takes it to his house for

dinner

um

and she has a little too much wine and

they make out it's pretty hot he like

pops her on the counter and there's a

whole thing

um and then

um malcolm is so caught up in this

makeout session that he forgets that

wolfe is

searching her house and he has a calm in

his ear and so

uh our buddy clarence can hear

all of it all of it the whole the whole

hot and heavy make-out session

and uh clarence doesn't find anything

weird in the house

um except a go bag that she has that has

cash and clothing and

papers essentially for her to leave the

country if needed and a gun and it was

like 20k and a gun and a passport and

all you know

your usual go bag standard go bag

material whatever you'd normally put in

there that's what she had

and then he feels really bad that they

searched her house and there was nothing

in it and he's like um

but like also how do we feel ethically

about these tactics i just i mean they

do think that they're going to

stop a

national

terrorist threat so you think so like do

the ins justify the means

i just i don't know because like i just

watched a show on netflix about like

false confessions or whatever and then

like

and then like how they created this like

gangster whatever to be like

to basically get someone to falsely

confess and it's like

do the ends justify the means i just in

my head

that's why i'm like what is this hdd

std

well i think that's the thing right is

that they're not

both both sides probably think that

they're right and so

like i'm sure these guys really believe

that they're doing the right thing to

protect people

and they don't have a ton of oversight

because they don't have much funding and

people don't expect them to do much and

angus is drunk anyway

and so they're just doing their thing

kay really out here

trying to raise everyone's higher morale

and we're just like they just had a hot

and heavy makeout scene on the counter i

am very i'm a very pretentious reader i

apologize no i will not bring up any

further ethical concerns

no we welcome ethical concerns so the

other thing that happens in the

conversation between pippa and mal

um

is that like pippa tells him like she

has a meeting tomorrow but like doesn't

tell him that it's in minuteville which

is like the where the isolated diner is

because we did forget to mention earlier

that

he like when she delivers the casserole

to him he's kind of like seemed like

he's had a hard work day and he's like

oh like i have to work tomorrow

and i have to go to this

like small town called minuteville so

he's entirely setting her up knowing

that she's going to this like tiny

isolated town to meet her friend at the

diner tomorrow right or meet the other

cult member we don't really know

anything about her at this point yeah um

so he tells her he's going to

minuteville she says she has a meeting

tomorrow but like doesn't tell him that

they're going to be in the same place

right so then pippa goes to meet her

friend

who also escaped or the chick who also

escaped the cult

and in the call she takes two xanax this

time she does take and then drives which

made me feel a little safe

ethical hey you are a psychiatric nurse

practice okay yeah sorry yeah sorry i

was like um

yeah so there's just so many things that

i kept going what is happening right now

she's taking to

xanax but we also don't know the dosage

like are these like baby bits is she

doing yeah maybe maybe they're point two

fives

we'll just just say i love the narrative

we're filling we'll just

assume that so then

they're at the diner she has put dye in

her hair she's wearing a hat she's done

all kinds of things

to try to alter her appearance

and then malcolm

surprise is also at the diner meeting

someone

some d.a or something from new york to

under the guise of wrapping up a case

um

not under the guise they were they were

actually meeting to wrap up his last

undercover case so it like actually

worked out but they wouldn't have met

him yes they totally played it

that they were there but he was wrapping

up the case yes yeah so then um the

place gets shot up

[Laughter]

so then

which we in

we're not sure why we're not sure of the

motives of the shooter we do learn in

the future that the da's phone had been

tapped and it was about

malcolm's like under last undercover

assignment that they were there wrapping

up that's the only reason i went back to

that right well and so malcolm is

protecting pippa through all of this

trying to make sure that she's safe and

then he

they they wrap up with the cops pippa

and her friend we learn who goes by

trixie now

they do a really good job of talking to

the cops and kind of like pretending

that they don't know anything about

anything ever thanks bye

and so then

um malcolm goes

home um and he gets drunk with angus and

wolf

and then he has a nightmare that seems

like a flashback about killing a really

young guy

i know i was like i'm sorry we have

another ethical concern that i have to

bring up that they gave the dog alcohol

oh right i'm not concerned because the

dog has been to the vet several times to

check when he's consumed alcohol i

forgot that's honestly i wanted to go

back not because it was an ethical

concern but because roscoe the dog

is stealing people

so throughout the entire series roscoe

has a lot of quirks that we learn about

he is one of my favorite characters in

this entire situation and yes one of his

kryptonites

is whiskey and jack daniels and so if

the bottle's open the dog will get drunk

yeah it's like the dog in paradise pd

yes exactly that was math

right and also he was like

he was sentient and like

talk to people it wasn't like a dog dog

situation

yeah but why does he like alcohol so

much

because i don't think that's the point

[Laughter]

i feel like

kay is asking the important questions

that we chose

like i think you and i are intentionally

obtuse about a lot of [ __ ] that happens

in these books but like as i was reading

i was like like these are the things i'm

thinking but i was like but i'm still

into it yeah so i'm saying so like if

you're as pretentious as i am

you can still enjoy this

which is good which is good

so

roscoe gets drunk

and like they all do and like honestly

it's a really sweet bonding moment and

wolf is like it's really nice to be like

a part of a team again

so there's there's just kind of a sweet

moment but when all of the drinking is

done mal has

another bad dream when he wakes up in a

panic and once again runs outside mid

panic attack right because he the dream

is about

killing a young guy

while he was undercover that he was

really close to

so he does he goes outside having his

panic attack and then pippa

again shows up outside and is like now's

the time to make out and yoga pants well

um and she's like you saved me let me

save you and i'm like what the [ __ ] does

that mean pippa

she doesn't know

she's thirsty

she real thirsty like this is i mean i

know she's like isolated because she's

avoiding nicole she is one hundred

percent more down the clown she is horny

like this [ __ ] pippa her vulva is

pulsating i was like like it just she

just kept giving me pulsating vibes this

entire time

i feel like pulsating is gonna go on my

list

depending on the context because i do

agree that if i'm ever reading a book

and it's like enter pulsating vulva i'll

be like i'm out i'm out right but that's

the kind of smut i would be writing i'll

be like okay that's [ __ ] disgusting

i'm like this is what i tap out

i'm over clinical case is like when i

woke up in the morning

i took

30 milligrams

of of my antidepressants as prescribed

and then my volvo was pulsating

meanwhile no actually with the

antidepressant my vulva

someone whose libido has been suppressed

from their entire presence finding their

group and finding someone who okay but

then but to be fair

that plot slaps

is it like so it's stella gets her

groove back with zoloft yes

like yes you can have it all that is the

tagline

meanwhile i'm like this [ __ ] is down to

clown

no but on it like

she

is so thirsty yeah and like

like i i too i guess to her credit she

like he is the first man that she's

probably seen

in years

but like girl keep your legs closed she

can't because then she decides

that they should bang because she needs

to run because he is a former cop and

she doesn't feel safe in her home

anymore so she's like i gotta go i gotta

go but first

i'm about to get my dick wet exactly

she's like i

am gonna get it

before i get gone is basically like

the vibe okay so i'm not gonna lie

my husband also read this book recently

he produces the podcast and he was very

excited that our friend k was gonna come

and review it with us and he's like can

i be on the episode too and i was like

only if you read the read the book like

you can't be on the show if you haven't

read the book

and his retelling of this scene

i was almost

in tears

do you want to join us he has a mic on

he i think he's coming

i mean i'm happy to i'm trying to

remember what did i say so this is when

like they are about to get frisky

and he's like how long's it been oh yeah

this is she doesn't want to answer a

batcave like it is cobwebs okay

how long

feels tight

feels like a long time he's like yeah

he's like feels like it's been a while

which is not how vaginas work but okay

like i'm like do you just think like if

there's too many dicks that go in it

becomes loose like a wizard's sleeve

it's a bat sleeve i asked you a question

yeah oh yeah you're gonna answer me it

gets really

he's like withholding an orgasm and it

like it escalates so quickly into things

i'm like do you guys have this trust in

a sexual relationship

you

you've never had sex before

right and then he

she does eventually answer him she is

really enjoying this brat role she's

taking on like working him up

and so then she does eventually answer

because he fingers her until she does

and then he gets naked it's been five

years and my

notes just say huge [ __ ] that's all it

says because even the author i think she

was even

she was like still trying to brainstorm

she was like whoa he was long and hard

thick too she pressed her mouth together

was it possible to be too big i feel

like the author was like i don't know

should i make it too big i don't know i

guess we're gonna go for it okay yeah

he's going to be too big okay one of the

things we've talked about a lot on here

is

boyfriend dick versus husband dick

they're different dicks yeah yeah and

that like you're like you don't mind for

boyfriend dick dating someone who's a

little too big yeah but like husband

dick you're like i don't want to be like

i don't have time for that like like i'm

not trying to be stressed out right now

i don't want to have to have two orgasms

to make it workable

you know

like i have things to do

like a [ __ ]

exactly uh we love respecting my time

regardless he has a big dick and then

eats her out yeah yeah he eats her out

and then but she had been very much like

we'll we'll we just have tonight

because she's planning on running away

so then

like after their like first round he's

like you're mine for the night remember

like i'm not done with you

i'm like he was still inside her at that

point they were very clear i love my

husband

holy [ __ ] because his manhood became

swollen again so i'm very sorry i can't

make it sound sexy i'm making everything

i didn't honestly i wouldn't like i'm

writing an er assessment it didn't

because he [ __ ] her over the kitchen

table and it's very clear that like it

hurts

right it hurts but then she's telling

him that's what she wants right which

i'm not here to kink shame apparently

she's into it um and then

it just seems like it goes from like six

to midnight so quickly that you're like

wait what like how did we get i didn't

know their sexual relationship had

progressed already or escalated so

quickly well it didn't until pippa was

like

i'm here for it and malcolm was like all

right then

and then that's how it happened so then

my notes say

he comes instantly hard again apparently

he was still inside her thank you vance

for that note appreciation for some

reason i just imagined um

like malcolm and pippa being like that

my safe word is don't stop like that's

kind of their energy meanwhile i'm like

my safe word is bubbles like

[Laughter]

so anyway so anyway i'm like yeah this

is getting hot and like y'all because of

a medical

procedure i'm i'm not allowed to orgasm

for some time

so i really do appreciate that maybe

that's why i'm inadvertently just making

this a very clinical situation

you do what you need to do

you know

we're not here to judge how people

manage their situations nope i mean we

are but not you

we love that mainly just pippa and

malcolm so then malcolm is back at the

office so it pretty much ends with him

like your mind for the night carrying

her to the bedroom and then malcolm is

back at the office

um and he feels really bad for banging

pippa like

real bad

and he disabled her car

before he left the house in case she

tried to run while he was gone

so he did something to her vehicle so it

wouldn't start

um

and then this is when our friend

clarence shows up with a kitten so this

man in the book is like six eight

massive massive dude

special ops all of this [ __ ] and he just

has a kitten hanging out in his pocket

like a dirty kitten that he just like

found and rescued and like popped in his

pocket and then started feeding goldfish

and i was like this is my new best

friend a dirty kitten who's missing part

of his ear named cat cat with a k

so

um and then um

[Music]

my notes just say angus's dog is an

alcoholic and likes to wear women's

shoes

yes we do learn about roscoe's second

quirk which is

he um likes high heels yeah he always

wants to be bigger taller he wants to be

the biggest dog in the room so he will

take whatever

height he can get but then he will

eventually chew the heels yeah roscoe is

a size queen with a complex yes and then

we also learn that they decide that mal

is actually going to start the second

half of his undercover assignment this

afternoon in the second half being

actually like infiltrating the cult

right

right and they go over all of pippa's

previous identities and stuff um and

then

we flash back to pippa who wakes up to a

note from malcolm that he went to work

um

and so then she decides to go back to

sleep after seeing this note and i smell

him on the sheets it feels so cozy and

just like goes once again we've

discussed this what is the fascination

with

odor

in these books like

the just the fixation on the smell

i don't

i i don't understand

i feel like it's like smell is so

sensual

is it

like i know like

like old factory things can like trigger

memories yeah sure okay okay so she's

trying to get you to dig into your own

pants and copy and paste i'm feeling

like copy and paste

we have read about a lot of books that

feel like a copy paste this wasn't one

of them no yeah that's the thing is like

that like it was it was like the sex

scenes even though like obviously i have

my ethical concerns that i'm moving on

from slowly um

they were written tastefully

and you can get through like you know

you can get through them

we can get on board

and then like honestly i think for me

it's never getting through it's getting

on board right or not yeah can i suspend

my ethics long enough right

and i was able to i was able to suspend

my ethics and then this is when the plot

like i was like okay because now we

start getting into this cult yes the

plot thickens yes much like malcolm

so then

pippa goes back to sleep i'm so sorry

that i said that but again like it came

out of my mouth and it it happened so

anyway sounds like my prom night

so pippa goes back to sleep and has this

stream

um

and the dream is about when her and her

mother first joined the cult pippa was

about 10 years old when they first

joined her

given name biological name growing up is

jennifer

um but we learned that her deceased

father used to call her pip squeak and

so that's where all of those pee

aliases came from and she meets isaac

for the first time and he tells her that

she's the chosen one she's very special

and he gives her the name mary

and then makes out with her mom

yeah and it's like someone come get

married so

that her mother and i can have a

cleansing and you're like oh no that's

not yeah

this is one of those moments where like

your definition of cleansing and my

definition of cleansing feel different

yes well

and isaac tells mary like you can call

me isaac instead of having to call him

like the prophet or alpha number or

something like that and so when he's

like you can call me isaac her mom was

like oh my gosh mary what an honor and

you're like oh this isn't good for this

10 year old yeah she's the only one

allowed to call him by his name

um not to be confused with a timothy

charlemay movie or

a little nast excellent

so then

we're back with malcolm

we're back with malcolm

he goes to a bar

to infiltrate this cult so he basically

pretends to be

um

himself but drunker and sadder right

that was my favorite part when they're

like all right so they're like the cult

is recruiting at this bar and he's like

cool what's my cover and they were like

you're you

and add some extra self-loathing and add

some angus

yes

use me as a character study he's amused

yeah

so he goes to this bar and gets hit on

by this really young girl and he's like

i am not into that

um

and then he's like but maybe i am so

this whole thing happens where he's

trying to like

engage with the cult members but he

doesn't want to like touch this girl you

know like he doesn't want any part of

that but he needs to be in character for

it

so

um he also meets a guy named tree which

isn't relevant but i

i was stuck on it

so yeah isaac just be out there naming

folks giving everyone new names that

everyone just like accepts his gospel

and i'm like what are you

like i don't know

i guess

you trust the cult leader that much but

i don't know if someone came up to me

that chelsea

your new your new name

is twig or branch i like i'd like no

twig

kind of slaps

i was thinking twiggy i'm like right i

was like okay i was trying to think

about other things

that were in the same family your new

name is yeah if they're like chelsea

your new name is bart i'd be like

[Laughter]

damn

we really went there

guys we know it's bad all right

[ __ ]

kay just went for it she was like i know

this is my first time but i'm here and

i'm making it happen and she did and i

appreciate it

so

anyway

malcolm then decides to bring takeout

back to pippa's

and he tells her that he just wants to

cuddle and watch tv until they fall

asleep

and i'm like it oh okay but i was also

like trying to subtly ask her questions

right now i'm hiki hungry because they

had spicy chicken

that does sound delicious i'm a

vegetarian

but

it still sounds good it doesn't hurt my

stomach but i'm like oh man do i want

that you do i know that you do

like there are times i'm like is it

worth the stomachache and i will make an

educated decision

but not all the time yeah so they're

like all right where

mal

is like let's cuddle and watch a movie

and like not do anything but he's like

slowly asking her questions and trying

to get some answers

she meanwhile pippa's thirsty ass is

like are you sure that's it because

i'm still down to clown

she has no [ __ ] chill like [ __ ] no

chill i think like this is honestly a

book that i find super fun it's a it's a

comforting read on some level and so

like it makes an interrotation probably

at least once a year yeah and so then

with you

kay disagrees hey that's whole-heartedly

you don't read the trash that we read

though you don't and so our our comfort

levels are different

probably so i read this book like once

in 2020 once in 2021 and this is like my

2022 read and honestly i think this read

was the first time i was like

pippa

get a hold of yourself girl this is

embarrassing get a pocket rocket and

simmer down

but she doesn't so

she's like why simmer down when i can

just hop on my neighbor's dick

that he hasn't invited me to really hop

on at the level no the poor guy was like

look i had a rough day like i just wanna

and she was like

i don't give a [ __ ]

so

but they do they cuddle they watch you

right

it was appropriate um and then malcolm

leaves kind of in the middle of the

night to go back out to try to be picked

up by the cult so he goes out back

behind the bar pretends to be drunk like

douses himself in liquor he told the

cult people that early in the morning he

likes to go behind the bar and search

for liquor bottles in the garbage that

aren't fully empty

which why would you say that to someone

i mean i understand that he's trying to

paint this picture of himself but

that's a step too far i think they were

trying to show he had nothing left to

lose

um

okay well that's what he does so he's in

the alley behind the bottom you are well

hannah he is per force the best

undercover agent

he's ever seen so clearly we've got to

trust mal's plays here but we also don't

know angus's um experience pool for

undercover operatives out of four

he slaps

of the three that i have met

you are in the top three you are the

most tolerable

so he's there

and the cult people show up and they

pick him up to take him back to their

cult compound

and found mansion thing for breakfast

yeah so they feed him and then he

realizes that he's been drugged and he

doesn't know if it was in the food or

the water that they gave him but he

feels he feels it he knows he's been

drugged um

and so they send in that same young girl

from the bar

into the shower with him and he is like

sweetheart

what

like you are a child yeah she's not

actually she's but he's like how old are

you and she's like

age is a number and he's like no

age matters

he said she was too cute and bouncy

too cute and bouncy

well i think we find out in the future

she not in this exchange but in the

future she tells him that she's like 19

or something yeah yeah she i feel like

she's in her very early 20s but then

yeah because so that was the thing is i

thought she was a child like a teen and

i was like oh okay so now he has ethics

but then when i found out she was of age

i was like

so where is the ethical compass cause

he'll [ __ ] pippa for the job well that's

what i'm saying like pippa shows up

thirsty is all [ __ ] and he's like all

right but then this girl shows up

apparently equally if not more she was

too bouncy

well

i think there are a couple differences

that we noted it was the buoyancy

right i was going to say

he knows april has broken in

honey damn it baby

apparently he doesn't because exactly

it's five years exactly

he feels super tight okay but i also

feel like

he is thinking he actually has romantic

feelings developing for pippa right

right right she's coming to him of her

own free will and volition when he knows

the young girl in the cult has been

brainwashed by the cult and also likely

drugged right so while she's willing

they're

i do think there's less i love those you

know what i love this we call that we

call that a dub con it's a dubious

consent like technically she said yes

but like did she did she yeah

hey there's my puppies

we'll get you right back to the show in

just a moment but first

do you like us

maybe even

love us

because we sure love you

and if you do love us

don't tease us

tell us in those ratings and reviews

wherever you're listening right now

maybe even send us over to a special

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smutty with us

because you know the first rule of smut

club

is to talk about smut club

alright i won't keep you any longer

let's get back to the

[Music]

show so then um he turns her down

but he does agree to stay at the colt

compound and teach self-defense to the

women

um well he meets isaac he does meet

isaac who manipulates him into staying

for a few hours to teach the women

yeah but i was like why would you admit

that you're a cop

because that they told him to be himself

apparently they were looking for

like security and like guys that could

help protect the women and like protect

the cult

but if you're about to blow some [ __ ] up

why are you inviting ex lawrence hey if

you are a former cop who is

searching through

bar dumpsters for bottles that aren't

fully empty at seven in the morning

i don't think they're worried about your

ethical views but i was like how come

like because oh pippa didn't think oh

maybe he's undercover like these

[ __ ]

at the shooting at the diner when it got

shot up the detective even said cause

like

um

mal was like oh yeah i'm retired

and then the detective who was like

questioning them was kind of like

malinforce don't really look retired

they look pretty active and how they're

handling this so then that's when she's

like oh [ __ ]

i can't live next to someone who's

actively but i can [ __ ] him one more

time

yeah so then when she was like we just

have tonight and then like after one

night she's like and we just have

tonight again and i'm like no that's not

that's not how it works pippa discovers

before malcolm gets back to the house

that the cult has put her picture up on

their website trying to find her and

she's like oh [ __ ] yeah like i really

really gotta go this is not good and

offering like a cash like 10 000 reward

if right someone could return pippa to

them and they say like on the website

that she's addicted to drugs and she ran

away and they're really worried about

her and all this stuff and she's like um

yikes well and then on the pray for uh

sir like the prayer page there's a

picture of her mother that's like she

has cancer she's very sick and she's

very sick but then pip is like i don't

know if that's even real or if they're

just trying to manipulate me to come

back to the cult which is like an

important detail is that isaac the alpha

and the omega he has said on her 25th

birthday that

that's the special day foretold by the

bible that is going to elevate the

family to the next plane and so she's

about to turn 25. so now so now they're

like desperate and they're like i'm like

where the [ __ ] they got 10 grand

again finances well we find out later

that he makes all of the cult members

turn over their assets so like tree

apparently was a trust fund kid and

turned over his trust fund too

but i also think that's like

pretty normal yeah that's pretty

standard

yes yes

they're very resourceful no i so all

right my notes literally like they have

like the

the cult the family going to the next

plane then um the next two things i have

i just want to know

pippa and trixie debate leaving for

california

mal shows up with ice cream pippa

practically jumps him dramatic sex scene

my notes say mal shows up they bang he

wants to go slow he asks to let

her save him

or to let him save her he's like please

let me save you

well she's like anything that matters in

me

is yours and he's like let me save you

and she's like you already have babe no

dick is that good

like girl i have some self-respect

again where's your pocket rocket babe

like you need to take the edge off so we

can think clearly for someone who's a

virtual assistant you'd think she knew

how to place an amazon she knows how to

use the internet

kay is agitated

by her

failure to obtain sex toys also guys

sorry it's that time to re-up you know

as always we aren't sponsored by buddha

box but it'd be a lot cooler if we were

today we're drinking the nighthawk black

boldcab sav hannah do you need more or

are you good i'm good fair enough may i

add that the box is

that's not importantly placed on three

books

so that we can just kind of use it as

nice elevated listen kay you gotta work

with the options available to you i feel

like that's a vibe

well the box that we were using to

elevate it is currently being used as my

footstool foot stool because i'm too

short for my feet to reach the ground in

this chair which was also the box that

hannah uses as a foot footstool is a

diplomatico rum gift set box that the

rum and the glasses have been removed

from yep

so anyway

they have a dramatic bang

and then they fall asleep or what was

the term we coined previously

a

um solidifying [ __ ] was that it yeah a

solidifying [ __ ] yeah you're like okay

they've

bonded through this [ __ ] but then pippa

falls asleep and has a dream that's like

going into further memory about

um isaac saying she's special and they

were gonna get married when she's 18 and

then on her 25th birthday

like it'll they'll be doing the lord's

work

and that she needs to remain pure

until her wedding

and then he chokes her

for talking to another man like just

another cult member in passing she was

talking to and so he chokes her and then

is like well i can't punish you the way

that i want to punish you because you

need to stay pure oh i hated everything

about that it was so gross so then he

calls in another cult member and rapes

this woman in front of pippa

as her punishment for speaking to this

other man

and we learned that that's like a common

thing that happened was that because he

wouldn't touch pippa that like pippa

watched people get

abused in front of her by isaac on a

regular basis for anything that she does

that he doesn't like

so then she wakes up from this nightmare

malcolm suits her and like tells her

he's got her he's going to protect her

everything's okay

and then he gets called into work and

she's like babe you are not

retired yeah what he likes

is

and you're like that is not that's not a

desk job situation where you get called

in at three o'clock in the morning

um and so

she knows that something is not right

and she's like yeah no i gotta get the

[ __ ] out of here like i have got to run

um

so then um

he goes to work and

malcolm finds out when he goes into work

that some bodies were found um that it

seems like they are cult members out

just outside of boston

and malcolm goes into work to formulate

a plan of like what are we gonna do

about all this

um

and then pippa is like should i stay

should i go i don't know things don't

seem right we also the um

team has grown yes yes yes so we have

some new team members that i

are not really relevant

i didn't learn who they were so they are

the next book yeah and so you have

bridgette who is the computer hacker and

like the computer expert and then you

have raider tanaka who's like the

special agent and he's bridget's handler

because they got her from prison yeah um

and he's also the liaison to the hdd so

for the team yes um we also learned

another quirk of roscoe's that he

doesn't [ __ ] with argyle he doesn't like

it and tries to eat

tanaka's face

yeah until they give him the tie and

then he eats the argyle thai tanaka was

wearing and then it's fine so at this

point we know roscoe loves whiskey

loves wearing high heels and

does not [ __ ] with argyle yep correct

um so then pippa is back and forth about

leaving she's not sure what she's doing

she decides she's going to go ahead and

pack her car and make sure it has gas in

it and everything just in case she has

to run and then she realized that

realizes that the car will not start

and she's like oh

[ __ ] also want to know that mal had told

force he wanted to

like loot pippa in and tell her the

truth and then force was like

well i need to interrogate her because

like i'm not just gonna bring someone in

and like i need to make sure we can

trust her

so we like we know mal is trying to get

closer to that goal of like being honest

with pippa and pip is like my car won't

start and i want to [ __ ] get out of

here yep

um

so

malcolm apparently goes back to the cult

um but then it flashes back to pippa and

she

uh

angus shows up at her house

saying that he was supposed to meet

malcolm that he is malcolm's boss and

they have a very nice chat she gives him

some cookies

um and he tells her i'm sorry not a

euphemism it's not

she's a baker

i mean

in this context it is not a euphemism

um

and the mechanic that pippa called was

like i can't get there for three days

also

maybe it's because i live in a place

that's not like super rural

is that a is that a really common thing

for like mechanics to like come out to

your house for homeless whatever you

think so i think you call a [ __ ] tow

truck and they take it to the shop i

don't know to be fair i work in a very

remote area in a northern state and

i could see that being a thing because

like it's like very like like the towns

folks living are like less than 100

people in like some of these towns and

so i could see something like that i

guess that makes sense fair um but

regardless she can't get a mechanic out

um so she's hanging out talking to angus

and he's like i'll go check the

the car out for you

i don't see anything wrong

and he tells her that he and malcolm

um have gotten called in again

and malcolm won't be home until late um

and pippa has decided at this point that

she's going to come clean with malcolm

she's like i need to tell him what is

going on

um

i

we have a connection

and he needs to know

so one of the things that we do learn

that she needs to come clean about or

kind of wants to come clean about is we

learned that like

isaac has some sort of like evidence or

information against pippa that like he's

like holding over his hand yes she could

go to prison but we don't really know

what what that is and so then pip is

like debating like should i tell mal

should i not

and then she talks to angus and then

she's like okay like i wanna i don't

wanna run i wanna stay and come clean

um and so

mal is back at the colt he gets drugged

again but he doesn't know how because he

was trying very hard not to eat or drink

anything that could be drugged but

somehow it happens um and then isaac

asks him to stay

and he's like

no

no oh well and so like the creepy why

don't you all think about like the

creepy conversation he had with april in

the car where

she's like do you want to stay here with

me and he's like no like i'm not really

a one-woman man

and april's like oh yeah that's okay no

one in the family is just like dedicated

to one person right um except that isaac

is marrying someone soon and he's like

who is isaac marrying and she's like i

can't say

yeah and then she goes on to say that

basically like

she's not allowed to

deny anybody that wants to have sex with

her so like any member of the cult could

come up to her at any point and be like

let's [ __ ] and she is expected to

quote meet that need

um

uh which is gross i hate everything

about it it's so gross okay you don't

want to weigh in with the ethical

implications i was literally like okay i

have more ethical concerns um but then

that's what made me so like with malcolm

[ __ ] with pippa it's like this [ __ ]

don't bend the [ __ ] through it like her

insatiable [ __ ] sex strength is like

a trauma response so it's like

but then he's been like so it's just all

[ __ ] and so but that's the thing i

liked about this book i was like okay

but we actually getting into it we're

getting into topics even though it's

[ __ ] up

most

topics that hold my interest are pretty

[ __ ] up anyway so

thank you space hannah thank you i

appreciate that

so

um he does wind up leaving nicole again

um and goes back home and then pippa oh

oh oh no sorry sorry sorry don't forget

about isaac hearing his headache

oh that's right so malcolm has a

headache likely from being drugged and

then

isaac lays hands on him and just

magically cures his headache he's using

acupressure points but if you don't know

that then it would seem like yeah like

it's magical and like hitting optic

nerves to like cause a flash of lights

but also worth noting when mal went to

have this conversation with isaac

um

malcolm planted a bug and yes in the

office as well

yeah i was more so okay i don't know why

when i read that scene i thought isaac

had put like y'all remember head-on

apply directly to the forehead head-on

applied directly to the forehead that

very aggressive commercial

yeah i remember that that's what i

thought but i don't think you could say

that's of the lord giving you that power

but malcolm's eyes were closed so who's

to say

who's to say that's all it was it was

head-on applied directly to the forehead

oh god

okay

um also

pippa's mother comes in when mal and

isaac are having this conversation and

mal's like [ __ ] that woman does not look

healthy like she like she seems like she

actually is sick and she's not doing

okay yeah

um so then malcolm leaves he goes home

and

my notes just say pippa goads him into

spanking her a lot and they bang

um mine's on my nose i would love to

read you my notes and respond please do

um malcolm gets home in the middle of

the night pippa's awake goes to greet

him wants to comfort him he pushes back

i can't be gentle right now then don't

be

go to bed

make me

um malcolm asks about triggers

um

pippa discloses she's been emotionally

abused mal asks if i held you down you'd

be all right he also asks have you ever

been spanked and then spanks her so hard

she orgasms

and then says next time i spank you

you'll submit instantly

i also like the sentence like a sapling

caught in a tornado

and then like mal's like she's mine like

she might not know it yet but like we'll

have this talk later [ __ ] is mine

and it's like

i i do appreciate that he's like

checking in with her before he does all

of this wholeheartedly agree consent

matters absolutely um where i

sort of lose the

the the buy-in let's say

is that he spanks her until she orgasms

without like touching her anywhere else

i thought he had two fingers in her did

he i think he did okay wait then i'm

okay

okay i am the fact checker i'm the fact

checker

um i need to know

because that's not there was vaginal

penetration i'm on board then

that's yeah because i was like okay you

go from needing his giant [ __ ]

tree dick like and then now you can be

spanked into orgasm [ __ ] it's not a

sapling it's not it's not giving

sampling anymore what type of insurance

is that

hannah it is i don't know if her finger

okay it's the first time on her ass

she tried to lever herself up he planted

one hand across her entire lower back

then he brought his huge palm down in

her ass a second time

oh you didn't mean okay yeah and then

like i know like he gets excited like to

see her pink ass yeah yeah which again

we're not saying he said

so pretty and bright pink

do you think that's the tone he said

that is the tone of a seven-year-old

very excited about her new stuffed

animal

that is not the tone of a man who has a

he was bringing a lady to orgasm with

the sheer strength of the palm of his

aunt who has a maple

a hundred year old maple as a dick

okay yeah you're right

yeah i have to work on my voice acting

and do where his we are available i

don't see fingerprints inside here or

kindle for sure we are available for

voices yeah exactly okay this is such

small

font i hate big font

i need a

small font so i can read the entire page

all at once

and then go to the next page

because i feel like big font i read very

quickly

so i want

more font oh i want more characters on

the page so i can get through books

faster okay i i can i can get on board

with that

i i don't if you were paige turns i

don't think he was in her bright pretty

pink i think this was all an exterior so

let's be clear

when you say in her bright pity pretty

pink

you mean he slid a finger through her

slick bowl

and like holds and i'll mean her ass

and up against her engorged [ __ ]

okay liars

one finger liars get punished he palmed

herself because he had very beefy

fingers okay i'm literally trying to

tell you

i don't understand

liars get punished his fingers are the

saplings

i'm so sorry i just imagined as i am

groot that's all i thought

i hated everything about he he palmed

her sex while his other hand spanked her

okay i wanted to talk about that she

cried out thrown into orgasm so sudden

she didn't have time to tense her body

why didn't you call it herself never

mind

i don't like that

why are you calling it her sex

what would you prefer that question for

rebecca's

rebecca sweet like rebecca her sex

listen becky we have questions

but that's fine either way i think

there's bigger questions there's bigger

fish to fry here but they [ __ ] again

and uh

yeah he literally he's like

i want to be left alone and she's like

make me leave you alone and also here

are some biscuits

you want to be left alone what if i

bring cookies both is and is not a

euphemism in this context

because there are you want your muffin

buttered

goddamn all i can think about is that

movie saved where she's like the muffin

shop is closed and like runs out

anyway i forgot about that movie i thank

you for that movie i love that movie and

we can all just take a moment to honor

mccully culkin playing a character who's

in a wheelchair who dresses as a roller

skate for halloween

[Laughter]

that feels

well that feels about right all right so

he spanks her to orgasm

there's no subtle transition there isn't

and so then he gets called into work

again yes and they have picked up

chatter

that the cult members are planning to

rob a pharmacy

so they've like

alerted local law enforcement and are

setting them up to be caught

and then a mechanic that she had

previously called is like hey i had a

cancellation i can come out um to check

out your car

so she comes and she's like hey

her name was liliana yeah the mechanic

is a lady and she's very tall and she's

into her [ __ ] and she was able to come

out because she had a fight with her

boyfriend and they broke up so she's

already on like a man-hating rampage

when she gets out there right she was my

dumbass [ __ ] of a bastard boyfriend

dumped me last night she is not here for

any of it so she goes to check pippa's

car and she comes back in and she's like

hey babe so um your car has been

sabotaged like someone took apart from

your vehicle

so that you couldn't leave like are you

okay because

you have a man in your life because men

are trash right she's like i know you

know my boyfriend situation what's your

boyfriend's situation cause you seem

like you just got [ __ ] over but then

pippa realizes that that also means

force was lying to her when he looked at

her car because if he knew anything at

all he would have seen the missing part

yeah the missing part that was very

obvious but i know nothing about cars so

it's not obvious to me but let's also

make sure that we give liliana

oh yeah and then there's and then she

got cookies but liliana

said to her a girl is better off with a

cat for daytime companionship and a good

vibrator for the night so finally pippa

is getting the advice i feel like he's

gonna get that cross pointed on a pillow

needle pointed cross-pointed what what's

the right word for this this fiber art

she said get a vibrator and i was like

these are the words we're 50 percent 58

of the way through and someone finally

cross stitched yes

so shout out to that [ __ ] liliana

between

clarence wolfe and liliana they're like

my top characters does liliana come back

no no also cross point is definitely a

mega church i was going to say

also this is being recorded the day

before easter everybody happy easter

sunday we don't know when this episode

is going to drop it could not be for a

very long time like months and months in

the future well either way happy easter

maybe 20 23 easter

it's 20 23. happy belated easter happy

early easter fourth of july

happy labor day labor day easter

whenever you want to celebrate easter

yeah just like whatever holiday that you

like like i don't subscribe to the

belief that we need to just like like

whatever holiday you like you should

celebrate whatever day you want to yeah

at any point yeah if it's yom kippur

more power to you passover ramadan yeah

sure

sure

whatever it is

a lot of different do your thing

holidays anyway

we

[Music]

so

the mechanic is there and then pippa is

like wait a minute i still have the

spare keys to the neighbor's house from

when she lived here before i'm gonna go

check it yeah she's like wait is mal

sabotaging me let me go sneak into his

house and find out yeah so she does and

then she finds her file that has her

photos and all her previous aliases and

all her information and she is like holy

[ __ ]

this man has been investigating me this

whole time i am so stupid i can't

believe i [ __ ] him i need to get out

of here

so like also

not that she like coerced him he

definitely consented but kind of like i

can't believe i like

did that and i'm like girl you

you did it a lot she did it so hard

yes she was thorough with her doing of

the situation

so she is now on the run

um and she uh talks to malcolm on the

phone

um to convince him that she's still at

home so she's like oh yeah i'll be here

when you get home i'll make you dinner

have a great day at work love you bye

and so then she

but she was driving to trixie's when she

right so she's going to find trixie to

pick her up and when she gets there

trixie's apartment doors open and she's

like no no no no no

is very security conscious this would

not happen so trixie is gone

and

um

with them like with mal and the team

picking up the two dudes from the cult

who

like robbed the pharmacy or were

attempting to rob the pharmacy they do

mention an interrogation that there's an

upcoming holy day yes but like the cult

members just like no it's a holy day no

it's a big day but they don't really

have any context or insight or knowledge

into what that actually means so that's

happening in tandem to

pippa

getting that phone call from mal

pretending like everything is okay but

then realizing that like trixie is not

at her apartment like she should be i

just remember reading this part and

being like this time this plot is

thickening like malcolm's dick y'all so

i just kept i was like literally like i

could not stop reading it i was just

yeah it was really really good so then

malcolm is back with the cult so he goes

back in to try to figure out what's

going on and smooth things over after

they foiled the plot to commit this

robbery

and the informant that they had planted

as a woman and is found out and so

hold on i think we need more context do

we

okay no it just won't make sense but

live your life go ahead

well so malcolm gets to the like the

comp the cult compound and like everyone

is in disarray and they're like isaac

wants to see you

and then when he goes to see isaac

george who's who's one of the henchmen

is there and like pulls a gun

and like puts it in like malcolm's face

and they're like

like you're the only one who's been in

law enforcement who's joined us recently

why do you think this is the first plan

that's been foiled

and then

mal was like well i don't know as a

detective i'd say like has anyone been

acting shifty lately and then that's

when they're like oh well now that we

think about it

orchid has been wandering off when we do

community outreach and like recruiting

but then they like call work it in and

they get her like play like mal gets her

to play along and kind of like take the

blame yeah saying that one of the dudes

who they caught in the plan had um

unfortunately raped her cousin yeah and

so she wanted him out of the cult wanted

him gone so on one of their outreach

attempts she like told

a law enforcement man named angus force

about just this cult member not all of

the [ __ ] going on with the cult but just

this cult member

to get him

to like help so she could get rid of the

dude who yeah had raped her cousin her

cousin who did eventually overdose and

passed away suicide yeah unfortunately

so um then malcolm convinces isaac that

he is gonna kill orchid the informant

basically to protect her but malcolm

so isaac says that malcolm has to take

george this other cult guy with him um

and he's like well [ __ ] this is gonna

get complicated but we're gonna figure

it out because obviously i can't let

them kill this woman

so

um then we're back to pippa

right

um

she has a flashback of being fitted for

her wedding dress with isaac

um and it's basically in that moment

that she decides she's gonna run with

trixie

she's like yeah no i'm not marrying that

guy he's [ __ ] nuts and i need to get

out of here

um

and so

she and they're getting married tomorrow

yeah like her wedding dress fitting is

today

for her wedding tomorrow when she turns

18 right which vomit yeah and so she

also goes to check the diner where

trixie works she hasn't shown up trixie

is definitely missing yep she is

absolutely officially missing and pippa

is really really panicking

so malcolm saves the informant so she

struggles against the

um cult guy george who's the other

terrorist

yeah like that whole scene

when he's like i want to turn before we

take care of her i was like i hate

everything about this all of it is gross

and mel mal helps

orchid like overtake george like

gets her a like a taser

and then he like calls the team and he's

like i need i need help so like raider

shows up and he's like here's some drugs

to shoot

george up with to help him forget

everything

because that's how drugs work and then

well it was propofol

girl you're the nurse practitioner

you don't know you ain't gonna remember

me

fair enough

um so then um

mal talks to pippa

um

and she tells him that

she knows everything she's like i know

what you're doing

i know that you've been investigating me

i know that none of this was real

um i know that you're a big fat liar

from liartown

and

um i'm running and she gets rid of her

phone

so he can't track her

yeah like he like doesn't realize that

something is off initially like i feel

like there's a moment where his like

tone changes where he's like oh [ __ ]

yeah this is not good he's like wait a

minute

something's not right

um so she gets rid of her phone but she

does have a burner phone that only

trixie has the number two um that rings

and it's a call from isaac and he tells

her that he has trixie

um and that he's gonna kill her unless

pippa comes

back to him

before her 25th birthday to fulfill the

prophecy or whatever yeah so the holy

day that they've been talking about this

entire time this huge day is

pippa's 25th birthday it's happening um

also

when mal and george were like done mal

like faked a crime scene in the car with

his own blood

he gets orchid to a safe place him and

george are going back when like george

comes too

and george is like what happened

and mal was like

yeah she kicked your ass dude but i took

care of her so like we can just tell

isaac that like we're sharing the credit

for this

um so this has nothing to do with

anything but i'm just sitting here

thinking of what i said earlier and i

want to make sure i'm clear

if you're hypersexual as a trauma

response that is fine like i want to

make sure that like i didn't communicate

that it was wrong for her to

have that but it it's just important for

her sexual partners to be mindful of

that as well yes and to make sure this

woman is not self-aware enough to notice

a trauma response you are giving her far

too much credit right i was just like

okay well did i kind of sound like it's

not okay for people to kind of own their

sexuality in a way i did not actually

feel that i appreciate yeah i just

wanted i appreciate the clarification

didn't hear that at all um but going

back george and mal get back to the

compound um and then isaac so like

george is um

getting some trust with mao and he's

like we can both take credit for killing

her

and then mal's kind of like oh yeah i

know about holy day do you know about

holy day

and

george is like i don't know anything

other than that like there's going to be

fire and cleansing right the chosen one

is coming

blah blah blah and then like when

they're actually back at the mansion

george does indeed take her out he's

like we both killed her and then when

george leaves the room isaac is like hey

mel what actually happened and i was

like i handled it it's fine um but then

mal sees and like notices for the first

time a picture of pippa

on isaac's mantle right as like a

daughter yeah as a child like a picture

of her as like an early adolescent like

she had to be at least like 10 to 17 was

when she was at the call so sometime in

there and he's like oh is that your

daughter and he's like no that's my

bride

so then he's like trying to figure out

he's like so wait are you married where

is your bride

like all and like it's just like the

vague

answers you expect from a cult leader

yeah he's dropping these hints that that

pippa

has been in on this whole thing the

whole time he knows where she is like

blah blah blah and so malcolm's like

hold up a second like does pippa know

what's going on

um

so then pippa gets this call

he has trixie she has a flashback to the

night when they escaped well

oh when isaac was like for every hour it

takes for you to get back to me

i'm gonna cut off a piece of trick yeah

gross and she's like well i went the

opposite direction so it's gonna be a

while before i get there yeah she was

like as soon as i

heard that you were like had like popped

on the scene i started driving west so

it's gonna take me a couple days so she

buys herself some time which is maybe

like the smartest thing pippa does in

the entire [ __ ] book

um

and then so pippa has this flashback to

the night that she escaped

um

she stabbed someone to get away so

somebody came

so she and trixie come up with this plan

to get out trixie had met a dude on

outreach when they were recruiting he

was like i can say

yeah what

did she not meet him on outreach when

she was recruiting she did but it was he

was a gang banger oh well yes but you

know he's a good gang banger in this

situation he's helpful he's a helpful

gang banger that is a better he serves a

purpose

so um when they rebel with a cause you

know precisely so

as they are escaping somebody comes to

try to stop her she stabs him but not

fatally or anything like it was like in

the leg yeah it's like a it's a flesh

wound um so she um trixie is with her

gangbanger buddy in the car and they're

like

run

mary like you can do this and so then

she

um

comes out uh she gets away and isaac

um comes out and is like

come back

right now she's like

i don't think i will well and he's like

trying to be so manipulative about it

where he's like if you come back right

now i'll let tulip i eat trixie go

forever and we'll never hunt her down if

you come back to me right now right

um and trixie is like that's [ __ ]

come on back like do not like come with

me let's get out of here and so she

decides to run and isaac

is wearing gloves and kills the man that

she stabbed with the knife that she

stabbed him with look what you made me

do yeah like that [ __ ] taylor swift i

hated the taylor swift song when it

dropped for that exact reason

that song was about but now i'm

realizing

[Laughter]

like it was about but it was also one of

those where i'm like oh

probably taylor can you not take

responsibility for your own actions

look what you made me do

nope

that is not how the world works we love

a shame lifting ba

[Laughter]

so

that is the dirt that he has on her

so he kept the knife as evidence

of her

supposed murdering of this guy

and that's the body that was found

and so she's like boston earlier right

she's like oh

[ __ ]

um so back at headquarters like there's

some stuff that happens with a team but

because mal had planted that bug in

isaac's office

angus force overhears the conversation

between isaac and pippa when isaac is

like you need to get back here asap or

i'm going to start cutting off pieces of

trixie

um so then they all realize like pippa

is not in on this like she is not

consenting

she is not part of the plot she's

literally been running for her life this

whole time yeah like forced calls like

mal immediately is like we have a

problem like a big problem we didn't

know was gonna be this big we done

[ __ ] up

yes

um so then pippa he tells angus tells

malcolm that

pippa's on her way back to the compound

so he is waiting for pippa there

um and grabs her before she can go in

um and before she's seen

and she is struggling she's about to

scream and he's like i swear to god like

just shut your [ __ ] mouth

but she like didn't realize it was him

right although when she realized it was

him she was like i still don't trust you

you've been [ __ ] lying to me i'm like

you also didn't stop to ask questions

like he's like hey i'm not there tonight

and you're like what if i pull my

panties off so i don't feel

she was goal-oriented

she knew what she wanted great reframe

and she was focused about it yeah and to

be fair mal did withhold a lot of truth

and important information from her but i

feel as though like yeah like

the scenes between them

i feel like there aren't enough scenes

for them to be absolutely

exact okay because i want to read what's

unfortunately highlighted

um

where there he's like trying to get her

to like hey like you need to listen to

me again and we need to be on the same

page and did it

so it says she had to get free trixie's

life depended on it so she says i'll

make you a deal stop the van and i'll

answer any question you want then you

let me go

and then he says baby i ain't never

letting you go i was like what the [ __ ]

is happening right now i was like can we

get back to this crazy ass plot please

it was too much you said we can't we

can't

because yeah so he

so he does stop but he's like i'm not

letting you go but you are answering my

questions and this time i am not going

to finger blast you into orgasm you're

just going to answer the [ __ ]

question

so is that because he realized he

stopped asking questions when he was

finger blasting her because he never

really got very far never really

got any information there were always

these like very subtle questioning

things happen that like never led to

fruition so i feel like we went from

like

nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing

to like oh we have all of it now yeah so

this is where she explains

that

the abuse that she went through where

isaac would hurt other women in front of

her

um to coerce her into behaving the way

that he wanted

um she tries to jump out of the moving

car at one point to save trixie

um and he is like yeah no you're not

doing that

and

it threatens to tie her up they run

through the woods there's a whole thing

a lot of things happen regardless he

gets her back to the hdd headquarters

um yeah like

real fast just like part of all that

when he's like

like they've realized she doesn't know

anything and she wasn't a part of it but

then he's like so what's isaac planning

and she's like bro until an hour ago we

hadn't spoken in seven years the [ __ ]

you mean i have no idea what isaac is

planning

like what are you planning i don't know

um and then mal also mentioned that he

was like well i mean i guess at some

level isaac is magic he did get rid of

my like headache and pip is like

you're an idiot you're that's the

dumbest that i've ever heard like he

pressed on your optic nerves and like

some acupuncture pressure points and

like

he's not special yeah

so he gets her back to headquarters and

they decide they're gonna interrogate

her

malcolm is very upset by this he does

not want her to be interrogated by

clarence and angus but they are like you

need to step out

so he goes into the viewing room and

watches the whole thing and apparently

she goes into

detail about what a thorough lover he is

because she's like all right y'all want

the truth

here it is

don't ask questions you don't want the

answers to

here yeah i love when they're like she

had described mal as the greatest lover

on earth at least twice or like some

[ __ ] like that yeah yeah and they were

like mal thought it was hilarious until

she mentioned his ball sack

yeah

and

we don't find out the context for the

ball sack we just find out that for some

reason it is mentioned well and also at

the end of their drive before they got

to headquarters

um

mal was like what's so special about

tomorrow with it being holy day and

she's like oh it's my 25th birthday

and he's like oh i should have known

that probably i've been inside you

multiple times he was like oh no i knew

that i got you something totally

that's right i forgot

so then the team decides obviously she's

not in on it she's innocent in this

whole thing but she needs to go back

to the cult to get information about the

attack

and malcolm is displeased

so

um

my notes just say mal takes her home

expressions of love more banging

i have um

plan for pippa to show up at compound

malice pissed about it agree for mal to

come over to talk and they're

implementing this plan in the morning

she decides to seduce him i put a

question mark and then i put

they [ __ ] and say i love you yeah which

i was like right what after lightly

rolling her nipples like how many days

has it been

and like none of this is based on truth

i think that's the thing they're like i

feel like their whole thing is like we

sensed the truth under the lies i'm like

that's not how any of this [ __ ] no

you didn't and also

i don't know why but

the word lightly in rolling her nipples

just because i'm

just like if you're going to do it

[ __ ] do it

light touch

stuff right now when books are like i

felt their feather like touch i'm like

no

no i hate that

nothing about that is

like that's on my list feather light

touch i'm like oh

why is there a spider crawling on them

like this is not sexy

again if you're gonna do it

just [ __ ] do it

so anyway

expressions of love more banging

um malcolm and like mal was like

planning on using that like down time

that night to like try and talk her out

of going back to the compound and all it

took was some lingerie

oh right she has this like baby blue

baby doll thing happening or something

or a teddy i don't know

but regardless he's into it

and is distracted which is very on brand

for malcolm

so

and he mentions her pink [ __ ] again

he really likes it he caressed her one

bear buttock

and then he goes if i remember right

these turn an enticing shade of pink

okay but not her butt hole

those are ass she just asked cheeks okay

never mind so then i'm having images

that i didn't need

so i went through more than what was

intended

you really

created a visual that none of us were

prepared for and no one else i wasn't

prepared for it i need to girl

you manifested this and stopped reading

so fast

and now

we're all experiencing that so thank you

kay for bringing us on this journey

good looking out

um they decide

like that it's now the next morning they

are implementing the plan and part of

the plan like pippa is still going to

present there but mal goes to like warn

isaac that the fbi is on to him

um

and like is kind of playing that angle

but then plot twist isaac is like

yeah fun fact i knew about orchid

telling people [ __ ] and like i found the

bug you placed yesterday so then isaac

and george

like knock mal out right and or like

okay we're going to like lock them up

yep and so pippa

does not know any of this obviously and

so she shows up at the compound as

previously

you know agreed upon with the hdd team

and

isaac is fixated on her virginity oh my

gosh he is so fixated and she's like

yeah no babe i am not well that's

something she's like did you stay pure

for me and she's like i left seven years

ago

i am very happy that she was like nah

i've been busting this [ __ ] open

we've been putting in the work

and although not for five years

yeah she didn't share that part

i'm just like um she's like i didn't

stay pure which is true but i'm also

like

girl you could have lied that's what i

was but then i was also like you go girl

but then also [ __ ] you about to die

well he said but yeah but check but

she's about to stand on that [ __ ] so i

love that for her she was like you know

i'm not about to die like you bout to

know i've been getting this thing real

[Laughter]

buy a whole tree trunk

not bark not a branch no

and not treat the person

malcolm

nor orchid nor orchid we're talking no

their stems are not that sturdy

why now i'm wondering is there a tree

kind of smut for like what do you know

three people

who are really into trees

arborists it's their arborist porn i

have no doubt because there's every kind

i haven't come upon that

and you know i'm glad that they have

found a safe enough space to explore

those aspects of their sexuality good

for them with people that also want to

explore those aspects of their sexuality

which i am not personally

inclined to do because all i can think

is i am groot i cannot get away from it

it it's the only thing about what i'm

struggling with is my best friend's

husband is an arborist and i don't want

to ever think of him that way because

he's an idiot and i often roast him

well you don't know but they might be

getting down with the get down now i

mean i i don't want to think about that

i'm choosing as long as the tree has a

hefty root system

jesus christ

[Laughter]

no it's like a well-known fact that if

i'm at any party with them

like kevin is going to be obliterated

like the last names in this thing

like

the last time hey kevin i don't know you

so yeah i'm like

i'm so sure you're a great arborist

so sorry kev but the last time we were

at a party together i literally made the

statement i am making so many jokes

right now i should have a brick wall

behind me and a stand microphone because

it is so easy

it's sad and he was like why are you

doing this to me and i was like

i was like because

as previously stated you make it so easy

and the best part of all of this is that

for reasons that we won't get into

kevin has an unfinished tattoo on his

back of a brick wall

it is an unfinished tattoo i don't know

where i thought that was going but

just on his lower back and so as i an

unfinished tram stamp of a brick wall he

does and as i made that joke i realized

that and then i was like you know what

babe i don't even need a real brick wall

why don't you take your shirt off and

come stand behind me

and he was like i'm just gonna go inside

i need more details at what kevin did to

deserve this

he just existed he's a really big dude

and i was like babe maybe you should try

to be a smaller target

like he's not fat he's just really tall

he's just so big so just just question

for clarification

i'm so sorry kevin do we like kevin i do

actually i was like i was like okay do

we have this relation i was like um

kevin like

okay so okay we love you kevin like so

that's the conclusion so that's the this

is

this whole episode is an ode to kevin

also we're so sorry for the rest of this

episode

so that's the thing if i like

someone i'm just gonna make fun of them

probably

you know

yeah um but kevin especially he just

makes it easy

and

so why why isn't the brick wall fit i

don't even get that the maybe it's like

we might need to circle back

okay when we're done with this i will

tell you a new story i will tell you the

story so anyway y'all are really going

to do that to our listeners you're i

mean i know it's not your story to tell

but you just left that is not my biggest

[ __ ] cliffhanger not my story to tell

i don't i don't think let's just say

this no one outside of who already knows

kevin's story will know it after this

episode kevin we respect you it is your

journey and your story to tell

and i will

as a commitment to the listeners i will

ask kevin for permission to share this

story we love consent yeah we do

so anyway kay loves to make sure we're

covered when it comes to ethical

concerns so she

loves she's on board

so isaac is very pissed that pippa is

not a virgin she's like sorry i didn't

stay pure so but then isaac is like oh

well if you're not pure then you're not

the real mary so you're gonna die too

[ __ ] yep and so then he straps her with

a suicide bomb

and they get into a helicopter oh well

also when like pippa gets there isaac is

like rounding up all of the women who

are part of this big plan

um and telling them like their backpacks

are filled with god's wrath when really

they're all wearing like suicide pacts

yeah

um

so

um including

the mother yes including pippa's mom

yeah

so then malcolm wakes up in the basement

with trixie

and he busts out of the basement and he

discovers that pippa is gone

and they're going to

blow up a women's march in dc

so

malcolm has this very serious sense of

urgency he discovers george was left

behind and is devastated by this and was

like told to burn down the mansion with

him with malcolm and wixie inside

and i don't know if george has the

wherewithal to not be in a mansion when

he's burning it because that

[ __ ] is dumb right i was like is

he really the best you have isaac like

these are like important no i think he's

disposable which is why which is why he

was not invited along like he wasn't

even sent to the next location because

like isaac was like yeah if you aren't

part of the holy day mission like he was

already sending

the other cult members to their next

safe house

and george wasn't invited he wasn't he

wasn't

so then we discovered that pippa has

been drugged with what is apparently

heroin

uh yeah like isaac just like had some on

him shoots her up yep

and she realizes she's been strapped

with a bomb she realizes her mom is in

the helicopter also strapped with a bomb

and she's like this is

not good and all of the women who are in

the helicopter are all like given their

detonators and told like these are your

buttons to heaven yeah so

you know you have that bullshittery

yeah

so i just had never mind

i just was thinking like

i'm pretty sure i have read in a book

previously the [ __ ] being referred to as

the button to heaven and that's not what

we're talking about here

yeah isaac just hands out a bunch of

clits on this helicopter to all these

women wearing explosives on them and

he's like just rub one out real fast

it'll take you straight down baby the

guy is a nutter so anyway

um malcolm so they realize where the

bombings are going to take place at a

women's march in washington dc yes so

malcolm and the rest of the team are

searching the area

malcolm finds pippa and isaac

so

he gets them into this coffee shop or

something yeah he managed to isolate

them very easily they're like super easy

i timed it well and pushed them into the

coffee shop then like shouted for

everyone else to leave and i'm like that

felt

too easy

for a cult leader who's been planning

this event

for years yeah

um so

isaac

reveals that he thinks that he's pippa's

biological father

and still wants to marry her yeah and

refers to some scripture and i'm like

sweetheart you are reading that

wrong right he says first corinthians is

more than clear so then both he who

gives his own virgin daughter in

marriage does well and he who does not

give her in marriage will do better

listen paul ain't god

he's not

paul paul wrote corinthians i don't know

why we're pretending as though paul

was god

regardless isaac buys into this and

reads into it in a way that i'm like bro

what like we've taken a leap

so

regardless yeah like while mal is trying

to like de-escalate this and what they

don't know is if like there's like dead

man switches where if you like right

shoot the person or like that

like the bomb will just detonate

automatically so they're trying to

figure that out and while mal is trying

to like

de-escalate the situation and work it

all out they hear two bombs go off in

the city that have detonated yes

and um mao's trying to figure out what

to do so then he just shoots isaac

well he shot him after force was like

there's no dead man switch so the the

explosive vest won't go off so as soon

as he knew pippa wasn't in danger of

being blown up isaac was holding the

detonator for pippa as soon as he knew

that pippa wouldn't be in danger he shot

isaac and then like dove to catch the

detonator before it could hit the ground

well pippa was gonna shoot him herself

and then she was telling isaac how much

she's [ __ ] malcolm do you think

pippa's ever shot a gun before because

like she had a gun but it didn't seem

like she had any experience with it no

she

she was just rolling with it at that

point i think she was more so still like

she was just like yes isaac i've been

busting this [ __ ] open two mouths she

was also apparently

entirely shot up with heroin so high as

a kite yeah she's hyde being like

because i was like this is an

inopportune time right now sweetheart

but okay but now with that reminder it

makes sense i mean is there an opportune

time to tell a cult leader who's been

obsessed with you since you were 10

years old and you're now 25 years old

that you've been [ __ ] someone else

and also might be your biological father

no no the person you've been [ __ ]

hasn't been your biological [ __ ] no

no no

the cult leader sorry may or may not be

so

malcolm shoots isaac and then pippa

wakes up in the hospital because she was

shot up with a lot of drugs so they're

making sure that her organs don't you

know fail

because for those who don't know when

you take too many opiates your

respiratory system is depressed and you

will suffocate so she's in the hospital

that'd be a warning

yeah

that's your your psa for the day you're

welcome

so

pip is in the hospital and she's gonna

be okay malcolm is there

declares his love and basically is like

here's what's gonna happen we're gonna

date for a little while we're gonna move

in together for a little while and then

we're gonna get married and then we're

gonna live happily ever after and maybe

have babies and she's like um why are we

waiting to move in together and he's

like because that that felt right and

she's like how about we just do that but

i love you let's just move in together

now

i'm tired of not living easy access to

the dick

did she need it to be easier

she did apparently she's thirsty

that woman has no [ __ ]

chill none

none and then the epilogue is like them

like

sprucing up the hdd offices yep and like

painting them and then they live happily

ever after and there are more books

following the other characters in the

hdd

is it in the same like like

yes yes okay well and so one of the

things that like we just didn't super

delve into here is that angus force like

why he got his team he'd previously been

involved in this like super high profile

serial killer case and then that's a

thread that goes through all of the

books and like culminates like i'm

pretty sure angus forces book is the the

final book and this is how many are

there four

and then i think there's like a side one

there is i know is it raiders i don't

know i haven't read that one it was

people that i wasn't quite sure how they

associated with the book yeah there's a

novella um

that i don't remember yeah like there's

four main books because you have this

book for

mal and pippa

and then bridget and tanaka are gonna

have a book where they end up together

and then woof gets his own book and then

angus force and nari the psychiatrist

psychologist whatever the doctor i don't

know if i ever clarify which one she is

they get their own book yep

so

um

what rating scale i was thinking like

cookies or uh

it's gonna have to be saplings

how many saplings how big is a sapling

not not big enough for pippa

i wonder what let me go on my goodreads

and see what i rated it i just know like

i was on the edge of my scene

it's a good book it's a yeah it's a

really good book a really fun one

like some craziness just starts

derailing it and then you're like what

the [ __ ] am i reading but then like then

you get slapped back into the plot and

you're like oh okay this is what the

[ __ ] i'm reading go off but honestly i

would say on the grand scheme of smut

it's relatively tame

but it's honestly more of like i think

as we kind of said earlier it's more

that like it just kind of went from six

to midnight like it didn't really feel

like they had the relationship to

support the level

wow i gave it a four out of five

honestly i thought that's the average

goodreads well okay so we use slightly

we don't use stars sorry ratings here we

use saplings and how many saplings like

are we

i'm gonna say like a

i'm gonna i'm gonna give it a seven out

of ten saplings i think 10 saplings yeah

maybe seven and a half cause it's an

enjoyable story it's very plot driven i

agree with

seven and a half saplings out of ten

saplings i'm gonna be a little more

generous but also because i've clearly

as i said earlier i read it as malcolm

is a generous lover because he's a

generous lover but also because i've

read it three times so i feel like i've

at least like i've like read it annually

right it's like i feel like i've enjoyed

it enough like i'm gonna give it

eight saplings fair uh what about you

vance ooh

i'm gonna give it six and a half

saplings whoa oh

you're harder bringing it it's down so

our average is closer to a seven our

average is closer to a seven this was my

first my book and so i don't i don't

want to overshoot too soon you know okay

if i ever get to come back because

you know if i come out i was like it's a

10. but based on what chelsea be talking

about with them other books i don't know

here's my thought this is the only book

that we're doing on a sapling rating so

you can't overshoot it because each book

has its own individual rating system

that's i stand by my rating

that's slightly lower than i expected

here's what i think i think uh for me

i enjoyed the story a lot and i think

the story is probably like in that seven

and a half territory

i think the uh

the forced nature of of the sex scenes

yeah where like it just

they just were there

i think she was like okay i'm due for a

sex scene and then put that put it in

there man i just got home from work all

right

bam

just like malcolm

well i feel like earlier on in the book

there was more of like the

four play-ish version of like like

description and detail where there was

more like the wet clothes and the

nipples and then i think if you're going

into this book looking

to

enjoy yourself in that nature to get

aroused if you're looking for a smut

like straight smut this is not this is

not it like the plot slaps

but

i ain't gonna be slapping like the smut

could not be in this yourself

no but mal is slapping pippa's ass yeah

but again like the smut could knock you

in and it would still be

100 in fact i asked my husband as soon

as he finished like what are your

thoughts he's like

it's like a book that i would read but

it just had slightly more sex in it yeah

i wouldn't even consider this a smut

book yeah

like i was expecting

nonsense

i was ready

i have

several recommendations

do not threaten me with a good time

i would like to

exceed i don't want to get into what

y'all

you don't want like some of that knife

[ __ ] that y'all was talking about

no blood play for kay noted yeah but

like i want to see the the nonsense

okay

i'll have to find there's one that's

like a more like mafia

super over the top there's a face tattoo

oh

that like i feel like my i

am probably getting the series wrong but

we might need to circle back to that

honestly there's so many books we want

to circle back to in just so much time

so please let us know what books you

guys want us to review and circle back

to we obviously have our favorites and

as we read new great smut we also will

review it as we go but if there's

something specific you want to hear let

us know

thank you kay yeah

for joining us this was

the pretentious smug reader exactly like

so if y'all need the literary

perspective i'm always down and what is

it the hustler's wife dueling

turner yeah thank you well when kay

asked me what book to read and then

she's like also she's like for black

history month i'm really trying to be

intentional with my choices and i'm like

oh

in that case have you considered that

time i got drunk and saved a demon do

you want some paranormal smut

is that too far for you should we start

with mafia smut i can and you know i

kind of want to do paranormal

but like not like

wolf people

okay so that time i got drunk and saved

a demon is for you okay yeah

cool i'm gonna add it to the goodreads

looking forward to hearing your thoughts

on that we'll circle back

thanks for joining us guys it's been

real fun hope you have a good day bye

bye

next week on smug club and what is an

audition for this entail you have to

give joseph the pimp manager a [ __ ]

oh

okay

what a job for joseph

what a hardship

i mean if they're bad at it it might be

they use too much teeth i was gonna i

almost said is there any such thing as

like a bad [ __ ] and then i was like

yeah probably too much teeth would do it

um i also in college there was a guy

that there was like a group of us

hanging out and he was talking about how

like one time a girl gave him a [ __ ]

and she like actually thought that just

meant blow on it

um so she was just like blowing hair on

his dick

oh

i stand corrected so like

teeth and just some

don't ever do that [ __ ]

don't ever do that [ __ ] again

well that's it for this week's mud [ __ ]

we hope it was good for you

because it sure was great for us

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[Music]

you