Smut Club

well

hello all you beautiful people

you know what time it is

[Music]

ladies and gents

guys and dolls and everyone in between

gather round

get you something real nice to sip on

and comfy to slip on

because it's time

for smut club

here's your hosts chelsea and hannah

[Music]

hey everybody and welcome to smut club

with chelsea and hannah

hi hi friends we're so glad you're here

um we were having a conversation

recently about

wanting to give you a name other than

friends so we were kind of going between

like

smut puppies and smut [ __ ] yeah my

husband's vote is for smut [ __ ]

maybe we could just do like

a variety between them

or like a scale like maybe like

smut puppy is like you've dipped your

toe in and then you're a [ __ ] pup

yeah and then you're a smut [ __ ] yes

you guys let us know

let us know if you want to be called any

of those because consent is important

and it matters yeah and

you know names are also important and we

don't want to give you a name you hate

honestly my husband's just really

excited about shirts that say smut [ __ ]

on them and have

uh

flowers and [ __ ] in his words on them

it fee like smut [ __ ] feels to me like

something that you would find in an

adult coloring book

surrounded by some flowers yeah

i could see that i had this really sweet

co-worker in nashville i actually had a

lot of very sweet co-workers but one of

the funniest things i ever saw was one

like

i adore her she curses like a sailor

every every word out of her mouth is a

swear word and so another really really

sweet co-worker was like oh yeah i got

you an adult coloring book that i saw

and like gives her this like swear word

coloring book and then she's like i got

myself one as well and the one she got

for herself was like bible verses

like dubs and crosses we're like

were you trying to send a message it's

very sweet

is it it really was oh okay no it was

but we were sitting there i just

remember walking in and the girl who

swore a lot she's like

can you see the difference between the

two and i was like listen y'all are both

in church every sunday live your lives

yeah you do you do your thing i don't

think god gives a [ __ ] about your

colorful language

if i'm being completely truthful yeah i

mean not to get into a theological

debate about it but i feel like he has

bigger fish to fry

to multiply you mean bigger fish to

multiply

hmm

yep i don't know if everyone will find

that joke funny that is a very uh on the

nose loaves and fishes joke

and also i wouldn't say that's um that's

the same sort of on the nose as the rest

of the podcast

no

this is a different sort of on the nose

um we're not afraid to fully send it in

any direction no we will follow where

this mut takes us ultimately well and so

hannah has um read read a book where

this smut is taking us

on a very interesting journey i haven't

had a chance to read this yet but when

she texts me and she's like this is the

title of the book i was like holy [ __ ]

please read it asap and report back yes

so the title of this book is that time i

got drunk and saved a demon

um it is by kimberly lemming this is her

debut

book

what a title for your debut i know um

and i just want to preface by saying i

genuinely enjoyed this book i don't know

if it's actually any good but i did

actually really really enjoy it it had

some very funny moments i just i just

want to pause you

i don't know if it's any good but i did

enjoy it

i mean

that we'll get to the actual review

christmas

yeah i enjoyed it i read this book while

i was on vacation

which is relevant because i don't

normally drink very much

um however when i was outlining this

book

i was mostly intoxicated so

we'll see

what happens

i'm excited for the journey we're about

to go on so

okay so a couple of things

our main character

her name is cinnamon

um

for some unknown reason that i am not

going to explore right now in my notes

she is referred to only as our girl

cinnabon

that's that's how i chose

to

uh

did you want to send a bun i don't

probably and then

like

i i think cinnabon always sounds

delicious and then i get two bites in

and i'm like i've hit my sugar quota

yeah it's a little much so we have our

girl cinnabun yeah yeah we have cinnabon

and then we have um the the the guy our

main guy

his name is fallon and for some unknown

reason i immediately thought of jimmy

fallon and then only referred to him as

jimmy in my notes

is jimmy fallon who you pictured the

entire time not even a little bit

okay so we just took the name

ditch to the rest

yup

incredible so so we got

cinnabon and jimmy yep yep yep who are

cinnamon and fallon in the book

um

so the reason i found this book it was

reviewed a few times on tick tock and i

had been thinking i was like you know

what i don't think i have read very many

um authors of color lately with smut and

i know that exists so i started looking

for it and that's how i came upon

that time i got drunk and saved a demon

so i'm so stoked for this so here we go

so

we open at a village festival party

situation our girl cinnabon is super

drunk

um they are celebrating um sending off

one of the

village girls who was chosen by their

goddess to go fight demons

so in this universe

there is a goddess and she

centuries ago drove the demons out of

this land and protects it but every 15

years she chooses four individuals to go

and protect

the gate because apparently the gate

weakens every 15 years so she chooses

four humans to go protect the gate from

the demons

and just

okay so it's not like you like get this

appointment and you are now the

gatekeeper for 15 years it's like every

15 years there's a window of time where

the gate weakens and we need to protect

it and then once that window has passed

we get to go back

okay perfect right and so um cinnamon

has no interest in being selected

none whatsoever she's super clear about

it she's like um

hard pass on that adventure

i am very hap she is a spice farmer she

is very happy with her family spice farm

in her little village she has no desire

to go on this kind of adventure and so

after the selection is made she and her

best friend decide to dye their hair

bright pink

because they didn't want to draw

attention to themselves prior to

the selection they were trying to like

blend in

um

so the selection has been made it's this

girl that everybody kind of hates and

she's super full of herself and so the

village is like

hell yeah you go be a hero babe we're

super happy for you

um and so they're dancing they're

singing they're having a great time and

um she goes to she decides she needs

cheese

um because she's very drunk and so she

kind of stumbles over to her best friend

um

her stand that she has at this festival

her best friend's name is bree and she

is a cheese maker

i [ __ ] love this so much and

it's called out in the book cinnamon is

like yeah bree's mom thought she was

super clever with that one although my

mom named me cinnamon and were spice

farmers so i guess i won't judge

um

and the language in this even though

it's very much fantasy is

super modern like she says suss at one

point and like calls people [ __ ] like

it's very

very modern language

um and in some of the reviews some

people

hated that they were like i couldn't get

into the story like i couldn't get into

the fantasy and i was like maybe you

just have a bad imagination because i

liked it so anyway

um so their opinions are also based off

of your experience 100 okay perfect just

making sure i understand thank you for

pointing that out

and so then she's eating cheese

as one does

and there's some kind of explosion like

in the distance near her family farm

like in that direction

and um everybody just kind of stops and

then they're like hey

our village hero is already fighting

demons way to go babe and then they just

start up the party again they're like

whatever and they keep going

so she decides she's gonna walk home her

best friend is like honey

you have had too much wine and you need

to go home

okay okay

bye bye was her friend making sure

someone got her there safely or was her

friend just like you should go home

because you're trashed yeah she's like

you you should just walk home because

apparently this is something she does

regularly this is a very safe village

you know famous last words so

she's walking home she's going through

the forest

and there is an attempted robbery

um by

some guy who has his face covered and

he's like give me your coins winch

and

she is like wench are you [ __ ]

kidding me right now like who do you

think you are like are you a pirate

that's the dumbest [ __ ] i've ever heard

in my life like she is not she does not

feel threatened by this robber who has a

hammer

and he's like give me your cloak then

like whatever you know and she's like i

don't think it will fit you

although the sunflowers could really

bring out the blue in your eyes like i

don't think my cloak is gonna work for

you

he's like i'll give it to my girlfriend

and then she realizes that this is one

of like the village [ __ ] and so

she's like

i don't remember his name but she's

basically like listen johnny

i know you don't have a girlfriend

go away

like you're not scaring me right now

um i was gonna go with trevor first i

just was making [ __ ] up yeah i don't

remember his name because i know when

you're like when you said douche i was

like what's a random like douche name

douche name trevor yeah and then i

landed on treasure

trevor

not treasure

i'm only one glass of wine

like there's there's literally

normally zero excuse for my blunders

outside of just

me yeah so here we are so

trevor or johnny whoever johnny trevor

the town douche she tells him to [ __ ]

off yeah and he has several brothers

they're well known in the village for

just kind of running wild and being

idiots and so she then

chases him through the trees she's like

you think you're gonna rob me i think

you're you're wrong and so she is very

drunk and is like i'm just gonna beat

the [ __ ] out of this guy and so she

chases him through the trees and then

she starts to hear this groaning sound

and she's like that's really weird and

so she goes to investigate and she finds

that the the explosion that they heard

was some kind of rock slide and someone

is trapped in the rock slide

so she is like oh [ __ ] let me dig this

guy out so she starts digging

starts to like get the guy out and she's

like this [ __ ] is huge like this

is the largest man i've ever seen in my

life but i don't recognize him from the

village he must be traveling from

somewhere else i hope he's okay so she's

like trying to check on him and then it

turns out he's a demon

and he's like um

you should run from me right now

um and she's like why and he goes

because it's very bad form to eat your

rescuer and that's where we're at so you

should run and she's like huh

okay

so she takes off

so she starts running through her

family's cinnamon fields

um

and he catches her at one point and

starts choking her he's like attacking

her and she reaches for a cinnamon

branch and like smacks him in the face

with it and is able to get away and so

she runs away and barricades herself in

her parents house

um and she's like telling her family

like there's a demon there's demon and

they're like babe you're drunk go to

sleep

so she's like barricading the door in

her parents house so they have this big

family farm and she has two brothers as

well and so they all have houses on the

farm and have their own sort of plots of

land on the farm

so she's in her parents house even

though her house is further away um and

so she goes to sleep um

and

everybody's like you're fine

calm down so she gets drunk so often

yeah she does okay um so she

goes to sleep wakes up hungover she

decides to have breakfast with her

family there's a lot of really funny

like sibling exchange

um

their mom is super hard ass and the one

brother is really dramatic it's just

very funny kind of exchange

um

and um

they're like oh yeah that demon last

night

and she's like yeah okay

and then he just appears in the doorway

the demon like appears in the doorway

like inside the house

okay well like like

the interior like the door to go inside

okay yeah

um and

he the brothers and the dad they get up

like they're gonna attack

um

to protect her and the demon throws her

brother chilly they all have spice names

throws her brother and

genuinely i don't remember if that's his

actual name or if that [ __ ] i made up

but that's what's in my notes

um

he throws chili across the room

and then he's like y'all i'm not here to

fight

i'm not here to hurt anybody

like let's just all have a seat he has

retractable horns so he retracts the

horns and then sits down so

this might be something we'll get to in

the future but just my my curiosity now

um

when he retracts the horns does he just

like look like a normal human

just really big okay yeah

so and he didn't have his horns out when

she found him actually

so she thought he was human at first

so

um he retracts the horns he sits down to

have breakfast with the family

her mom is just like super excited to be

feeding someone um and we'll get into

this later but this is um

it seems to be very heavily influenced

by southern culture and like hospitality

and stuff and so

the mom is just like super happy to have

somebody to feed she's like all right

have a seat babe

like let's do this thing

um and so all the brothers are like what

the [ __ ] is happening

and he says his name is fallon also

known as jimmy

and then um

he explains that their goddess is

actually an undead witch

who enslaved all of the demons

so and controls them so

they are not actually as violent as

people think that they are

um and they're not as mindless as people

think that they are but it's this witch

cast a spell over them um because she

apparently sacrificed several demon

children to achieve immortality and so

when the demons tried to

avenge that

she did something and now she controls

them

and then

um apparently the cinnamon that she hit

him in the face with

broke the spell like something about the

cinnamon like negated it

so he had this amulet that was

protecting him but the closer that he

got to the village

um to her temple

the less effective the amulet was and so

he kind of lost it when the rock slide

happened and then he came to

with the cinnamon

so

um he tells

i love here's my favorite thing about a

good like paranormal universe is you can

just like set whatever [ __ ] rules you

want whatever you want whatever you want

and um she will continue to do so

so

um he tells cinnamon that um

they're like we don't know if we believe

you like we were raised to believe that

this is our goddess that she protects us

from demons like i don't know

about all that and he's like okay you

know what you don't have to believe me i

just want you to take this amulet

and throw it past the the protective

force field around the temple and just

see what happens right

um and he's like and then if what i

think is gonna happen happens

destroy

the goddesses chalice that's in the

thing

because that houses her soul it's her

power center or some [ __ ] so destroy the

chalice

um and then if you do this

um i will

uh

protect the entire village like it will

be under my protection from this point

forward

if you don't then i am gonna he had like

a pack of cinnamon that he was keeping

on him to continue to negate the spell

he was like i'll just get rid of the

cinnamon and go full demon boy on all of

you guys so

the choice is yours

so he is like

we're good you can trust us believe me

try this and if you don't

i'm just gonna kill you

okay yeah just making sure i'm

understanding properly like if you do

i'm gonna protect the whole village

your family is under my protection and

if you don't

you can all die anyway also like nothing

sounds that hard about keeping

a satchel of cinnamon

on your person no

it does not

so uh our girl goes and she throws the

amulet and this like black sludge and

blood starts like bubbling up from the

floor and like coating the walls and and

the demon couldn't do this himself

because there is this protective force

field around the temple that keeps

demons out

so

um she's like um

that doesn't feel right so maybe i'll

just destroy this chalice

so she goes and tries there's a bit of a

fight there's like a skeleton hand that

comes up and grabs her

um she smashes it it won't break so this

like giant blood bone ogre thing is like

hitting her

and then jimmy shows up and saves the

day

and

like goes her into destroying the

chalice

and so that's done but then the temple

is like about to implode so he like

grabs her up and rescues her from the

temple um and at this point she realizes

he smells really nice

like as he grabs her up to get her away

from danger she's like i'm into that i

mean i was wondering

when the smut was going to start in the

paranormal universe and i feel like

how like what percent would you say i

feel like that is a very common thing in

in a book yeah it's this where it's like

this

yeah and it's like it's not even like

pheromones it's just like

in his natural scent of musk and river

water right it's like what the [ __ ] does

that smell like my favorite was i think

it was in

crescent city i want to say it was like

she smells like the snowfall and the

first starlight of the evening like what

does that smell like okay yankee candle

like what like these descriptions

like that's not a thing she smells like

a beach on the first day of summer and

you're like i really have so many

questions right which beach because if

it's the ones that i grew up near then

that means she smells like a dirty

diaper

oh well i grew up on the gulf coast side

of florida and i'm

i wouldn't say i would describe

ourselves meanwhile on the atlantic side

anyway

it's very different it is very different

but also yes like so many books they're

just like

oh and they just like smelled so nice

and like there's there's way more

sniffing than you ever anticipate or no

although i will say in all fairness

um i had covet a couple of years ago and

lost my sense of smell

and i did get pretty sick but i was

really okay for the most part and then

my smell just did not come back for a

while and at one point i like burst into

tears and my husband was like are you

okay and i was like i can't smell you

and he was like okay babe like why don't

you go to sleep

is that something you normally do no

i don't go around sniffing people

but

not quite the same

but it is so i'm like i'm i get sick

very easy i like always have a stuffy

nose

and i think my husband and i have been

married for like

four months if that and i was sick which

was not a surprise because i just i'm

always sick and i'd been texting him

while i was at work i was like i just

can't wait to get home and just like

not do anything and just sit on the

couch and really rest and relax with you

and my husband i have this um like this

sweet potato curry soup recipe

it's delicious love this soup recipe

and my husband thought he's like i'm

gonna i'm gonna surprise chelsea and

make her this like really comforting

soup that she loves

and like she'll be so surprised when she

gets home and i like i like i came in

and i was like oh my gosh like you made

me soup like you're the best human in

the world and i'm like getting teary

and so my husband we eat really spicy

food we love spicy food um

so he gives me this bowl of soup and

he's looking at me all expectantly like

can't wait for me to take my first bite

y'all

that [ __ ] tasted like lava because i

couldn't smell anything so i couldn't

taste anything

and i just take a bite of the soup and i

feel my entire body like going into this

like heat flash with how much wet

so my husband bless his soul hands me

this bowl of soup so excited wants me to

try it i take one bite and i burst into

tears

um also worth noting my husband is the

producer of this podcast and it's like

the sweetest angel baby who just like

wants to love me and support me but i

think it scarred him because like for a

long time he

he wasn't really willing to venture back

into the kitchen

we we crossed that hurdle

i'm glad to play that but yes i'm glad

to hear that all of us to say smell and

taste are important but they are

sometimes unnecessarily prominent and

yes i would agree so he rescues her from

this

thing from the temple not jimmy because

that's not his name

alan the demon

rescues cinnabun

cinnamon yes um so

um

he's like well that was easier than i

thought really good work everybody and

she's like um babe there are three more

chalices

in her other temples oh [ __ ] he didn't

know he did not know and so he is super

pissed

so pissed in fact that he burns his

shirt off

pause

um

i have questions do you have answers i

don't know

ask them and we'll see

is it because he is a demon and his body

just burst into flames or did he light

his own shirt on fire

i think that he um

so he has fire as a demon and i think

that he became very overheated because

he was so angry that's how it sounds in

the book like okay

it wasn't intentional

um

and so then um she notices that he has

some really nice abs

um

and he's like okay well you need to come

with me to these other temples and fix

this [ __ ]

um

and starts calling her rabbit as a

nickname

but i didn't really understand why but

he just starts calling her rabbit like

not bunny

not honey

rabbit

i i think i might rather be called

rabbit than bunny

so

little-known fact oh no where are we

about me

as a person

i'm terrified of rabbits oh

but not bunnies i mean they're you know

they're the same right they're the same

thing i hate them

they really freak me out

we had two when i was a toddler and um

here's the part that as an adult i think

it's hilarious but as a kid i had no

idea

they were named chip and dale

my parents were like like the chipmunks

sure

right and i'm like oh cool

just four-year-old chelsea being like

here my chippendale bunnies

i hope there are pictures of that anyway

so he starts calling her rabbit so i

feel like that's also an important

turning point in a lot of smut where

yeah they're given the pet name is like

some kind of important moment

and she's like

yeah no

not interested in the adventure thank

you i'm happy with my life good luck

with your journey

and have a great day

and i think it's a very fair response

given everything that she's been through

in the last 24 hours well and it's later

revealed why she is

opposed to adventure ooh okay well that

um but he's like okay you can say no but

to be clear i promised to protect your

village i did not promise to protect you

so you can help me or you can go

unprotected these are your options

um

and so she agrees

and he's like i think that you are

starting to like me

and she goes yeah like a plague very

much yep

um she is not happy about this situation

she's like he's super hot but i'm wicked

annoyed with the whole thing

yeah like on the hot crazy scale

he's

he's not quite out weighing with hotness

not at this point it's just a little too

crazy not at this point

so um then she is packing with her best

friend brie

um the cheese merchant obviously

um

and she mentions this sister so the

sister had come up previously um the

sister

passed away

but we don't know how

but cinnamon keeps saying cinnabon

sister cinnamon sister yes

it caught on she's sent a bun now

our girl cinnabon also where what is she

packing for did i miss that for the

journey she's like okay okay so i guess

i'm going okay i get it

i was like is she running away no so

she's going with him um and she um

is saying that she feels like her

sister's

death was her fault somehow but again we

don't really have the story

um so then she

she has an argument with fallon about

um taking

uh like a wagon on

this trip she's like we need spices and

we need a we need stuff like where am i

gonna put my clothes like priorities

where does my spice collection go

precisely

so

um eventually he acquiesces to this and

they bring her horses

um in a carriage

and so then um apparently at this point

i decided to start calling her best

friend bree fondue i don't know when

that happened

[Laughter]

where did you guys go on vacation hannah

so we went to charleston and i think

that at this point um

we went to um my favorite pub in north

charleston i'm pretty sure

that's what was happening

at this

point i might have had a couple of irish

car bombs

so good for you living your best

vacation life i was i mean i don't is it

really hurting anyone to call her fondue

no if anything i just hope you like i

hope she's called gruyere in a few

minutes

perhaps gouda

so

how's our body doing in this chapter

so so this is pretty much the end of

fondue's involvement in the book pretty

much it's like right here damn it she

just got the cool nickname and

everything i know but wait for it cheese

is not done brie the character is done

but cheese

is never done

go on

so

she actually

hannah has been

doing such a great job of leading us

through this book that she hasn't really

had a chance to have any of her wine

which is how the characters got the name

fondue

and jimmy fallon

um

and so honestly because of that i want

her to have more wine just to see where

the day takes us well thank you for that

i appreciate your thoughtfulness i did

take that opportunity perfect

so

um

she goes with fondue to the village like

boundary

with the carriage they're supposed to be

meeting um

fallon

and the town jackass that tried to rob

her shows up with his brother

and the brother is demanding an apology

because she chased him through the woods

um and she's like um

this jackass tried to rob me i'm not

apologizing to you for [ __ ]

and he's like you were drunk everybody

knows you're the town lush like he

wasn't trying to rob you you just

attacked him

and so she slaps him in the face the

brother she slaps him in the face

i see how he got there

oh no wait rewind she didn't slap him in

the face yet so he slaps her in the face

and like pushes her against the wagon

and so then she slaps him in the face

and then uh jimmy appears and he is

not happy with this situation jimmy

seems like a guy who gets real

possessive real fast yeah also have did

we learn nothing

from will smith slapping someone

like

you just can't go around slapping people

willy-nilly like that

no

no you can't

slaps don't solve problems people they

really don't um because then

once again it's the consequences of our

own actions because now we have a very

pissed off demon

who shows up

and breaks [ __ ] face's arm

off

um wait you you you paused there

and it took me you're like he broke his

arm i'm like yeah yeah you're like

off like i was like were you trying to

were you hoping i didn't catch it

what he broke his arm off he really

[ __ ] him up

it's like um

oh what was that

movie in the 80s with patrick swayze

um where he was the bouncer at the club

and ripped the man's heart out

roadhouse where he rips his heart out

with his hand

that's what i thought a demon do it it's

the forbidden move

yes that is

that is what i thought of just now

that's fair um so he's gonna kill

[ __ ] and

cinnamon is like no no no

we don't kill humans okay

she's really reasonable sometimes

sometimes um when she's not the town

lush i was gonna say she's not drunk at

this juncture so

um he is super annoyed that he's not

allowed to kill this guy he's like you

are currently mine you are under my

protection and he put hands on you which

means he has forfeited his life and

she's like um bro how about you simmer

down she's like so like demon laws and

rules of society are not

human laws and rules of society so you

can't just kill them

right so

he agrees no more killing humans

and so

they're traveling now through a bayou

because in the landscape

that we are in okay so they're in

louisiana now basically okay um so

they're gonna buy you

um and so she

makes him a crayfish boyle

that's what it's called in the book i'm

like y'all them's crawdads

[Laughter]

don't write about things you don't know

you're like sorry

we're in georgia

where the [ __ ] are you getting

this from rayfish

hey there's my puppies

we'll get you right back to the show in

just a moment but first

do you like us

maybe even

love us

cause we sure love you

and if you do love us

don't tease us

tell us in those ratings and reviews

wherever you're listening right now

maybe even send us over to a special

sexy someone that would enjoy getting

smutty with us

because you know the first rule of smug

club

is to talk about smut club

all right

i won't keep you any longer

let's get back to the show

[Music]

anyway

so um he is like

not he's i'm not eating that that looks

like a bug and she's like just trust me

and he's like this is the most delicious

thing i've ever eaten my in my life

which is fair because they're very

delicious

and so

they're having like this bonding over

the campfire

um

and they're sleeping on either sides or

laying down on either sides of the

campfire and then he starts telling her

scary stories about different things

so that she like comes closer to him

and it's pretty obvious he's doing it on

purpose like he's intentionally

frightening her so that she'll like come

closer

um but there's they're like dumb

campfire ghost stories like it's not

like he's like

and then the axe murderer appeared like

it's not things that you would think of

real life

um

so

he keeps

touching her

often like she starts to notice that he

is touching her braids which are pink um

and you know like touching her arm and

like he's very touchy

um

and he keeps like

sidling closer to her and she's like

making more space on the bench and he

just keeps like scooting over in the

wagon

so he's clearly putting out a vibe and

she

doesn't fully want to receive said vibe

i mean she

does but she's like this is a demon and

i know you guys can't see me but i did

just do a lot of weird wiggling to

demonstrate that

and then if you like me you can't see me

so she's like reluctantly

she's into the vibe but like

is annoyed with herself for being into

the vibe yeah and she's also like who

the [ __ ] even is this guy right now like

really what's going on

so um there's a couple more like

campfire scenes they're bonding having a

great time she's cooking for him he's

really enjoying it

um and she's like see

spices are important thank you um

aren't you glad we got a wagon so you

can have this delicious meal exactly

um so

she they're asleep and then she hears

she wakes up and she hears

someone calling her name over and over

again and so she's like that's really

weird

so she goes to investigate

and she's like that

that sounds like my sister

oh god like that really sounds like

myself and they're just like traveling

on the road at this point right they

miss something through the value they're

still in the other like they're like

they're in the bayou but they're

traveling like they're not they haven't

like arrived anywhere yet no okay no so

she hears this she goes to investigate

sounds like her sister and then it is

her sister standing in the water

in the bayou

calling to her how long ago did the [ __ ]

happen with her sister like four years

okay so she says her sister looks

rough like her hair is a mess she's

covered in mud but she's like obviously

that's my sister

so she gets into the water trying to go

um get her

and fallon shows up and he's like

stop like stop and come back to me right

now and she's like

no

no no that's my sister who's been

missing right yeah

so she keeps going and then my notes say

surprise in all caps it's a swamp

monster

i had a feeling that's where we were

going like yeah like they lure you in

with like your your deepest desires

and then they have tentacles

i mean i don't know if this one does i'm

really filling in that picture but just

like in general i feel like there's all

like they lure you in and then there's a

bait and switch yeah maybe there's

tentacles maybe there's not i don't

think there are tentacles in this

situation it's more like a hellhound

crossed with a scorpion if i'm

remembering correctly but either way

it's not good

so here

[Laughter]

what

a hellhound crossed with a scorpion yeah

which half

front half hellhound back half scorpion

okay just verifying yeah so it grabs her

and starts dragging her to the bottom

and she's like oh cool this is how i die

great

i knew i didn't want to go on an

adventure i hate it here and so then

jimmy rescues her obviously um and then

pulls her out kills the monster and then

she cries on him a lot

um

and

tells him that

her sister disappeared in the bayou four

years ago and was never found and so it

must have been that that monster that

had taken her and cinnamon feels like it

was her fault because she convinced her

sister to go with her

on an adventure in the bayou whatever oh

so is this where we learn why she

doesn't go on adventures because she

blames herself for her sister's death

okay

um so then he carries her back to camp

and takes out her braids because they

are caked in mud and and by you sludge

and um

tells her is that otherwise known as

algae

i don't know

but it sounds gross

by you sludge you heard me yeah

that sounds

thick and murky

i have

no response to that

not one i want to say out loud anyway

so um he very gently takes out her

braids

um and tells her

um that she needs to bathe so there's a

bayou on one side and a river on the

other so he's like you need to go bathe

in the river

and um so she's like all right then and

just gets naked she's like if he's gonna

be a dick then i'm getting naked

good good talk

so

which is obviously a natural response

yeah is that not everyone's logical

thought process

i mean it makes perfect sense to me

um yeah

you me and kimberly the author

she's killing it for her first novel

this is a fun one we're in good company

so

um she grabs a knife and some soap

and gets into the water

um and

yeah that comes into play later oh no um

so she's in the water and she's bathing

and then

fallon shows up with her

in the water

um and he is super into how her hair

smells and lets her know that and is

like please allow me

and starts washing her hair

um and then she is like huh

there's a log floating in the river

that [ __ ] is a gator and she kills it

with her knife

my god

so so okay so i'm not even gonna pretend

75 of why i wanted to review this book

was straight up because she killed a

gator with a knife with her bare hand

and i was like we have things to discuss

especially because both of us like

grew up in florida where there was a lot

of alligator protocol you like every

single place you went there was at least

one sign that said do not molest the

alligators

yep

and i always had questions

like

right what constitutes molestation oh

gator um my thought was more

what happened that led to them feeling

they needed to post these signs

everywhere

not like

what's the boundary on how far i can

push the game and here's the thing

so

i

um

i grew up in orlando

we did have a lot of gators

and i went to

school with the daughter of the people

who owned gatorland the like little

amusement park

and um

have you read the book swamplandia

no but i'm going to add it to my list

apparently it's not smart never mind

yeah they're not interested there's a

lot of character development in a way

gross i didn't finish it

but like if you're into that it's a

really good book

so anyways gatorland so

i learned

in the fourth grade

that if

a gator

surpasses a certain size

animal control won't come get it so

people had gators in their retention

ponds and their pools and stuff like

that

and animal control was like is it over

six feet that's real tough good luck

y'all and so people would have to call

gatorland to come get the gators they

had to call an amusement park to get the

gators

out of their retention ponds feels like

the most on brand

of [ __ ] also

if you haven't watched it yet craig

robinson is that craig from the

warehouse on the office he is a new show

it might not be new by the time we drop

this episode depending on our lineup um

called killing it and it's on peacock

and it's about living in south florida

and um there's an overabundance of um

burmese pythons and so

there's a competition that whoever can

kill the most you like get raided by

like this the square feet that you bring

in huh um maybe not square feet they're

just regular yeah just regular feet

um

it's really funny but it feels very

florida on brand yeah

and i mean

and to be clear like i grew up in

downtown orlando it's not like i was in

the [ __ ] everglades or something yeah

you were not where like there was a vast

normalization of alligators walking down

the street but that video that dropped a

couple years ago of that alligator that

like

looked like [ __ ] godzilla yep that

was terrifying well and the thing is

even in downtown there are gators it's

true in the lakes and in people's pools

they're everywhere

and so we learned at a very young age

like what to do when you see a gator you

zigzag if one is chasing you they run on

a straight line you gotta run in in a

zigzag formation exaggerated zigzag is

the way to go

um and so

all that to say i i have eaten gator i

have i have pet a baby gator

i've done all kinds i feel like that

yeah like that's like

that's just did you grow up in florida

if you haven't

had multiple interactions with different

iteration of gators we once when i was

in kindergarten

we had somebody bring a 10-foot

python

to our class to play with like that's

florida

you know

oh

and i would never

attempt to kill a gator

while nude in a river with a knife

how would you attempt to kill it

maybe if i had a gun

while i was in a boat i do know

all of their like power is in the

snapping of their jaw closed

yeah so once their jaw is closed if you

can keep it closed and hold on that's

gonna keep you safe and also they have

some vertigo issues that like [ __ ] with

their equilibrium so if you if you can

get a gator on its back yep you know

definitely easier said than done um but

if you can get a gator on its back and

keep its mouth closed

that is the safer choice yeah um also

maybe someone who has any experience

with this versus just like

i think some of the things we're told up

in florida are folklore on some level

you know that we've just all embraced as

normal because florida

um

so yeah someone please correct us if

we're off base on any of this or you

might be like nope those two [ __ ]

from florida i mean

if anybody knows it's us

so

so

cinnamon going back to the books

cinnamon

is

bathing in the river

um

jimmy

fallon

loves the smell of her hair

is washing it

it's washing her hair washing her hair

and then she sees honestly here's where

when you're like and she sees a giant

log floating in the river i thought

you're going to be like nope it's his

demon dick

i wasn't prepared for you to be like

it's an alligator and she kills it with

the knife i was like oh damn okay that

escalated

so

then she starts dragging it to the shore

and he comes up behind her and is like

i'm gonna marry you

what

and she is like um

that was not part of the deal we made i

did not agree to that

and he says and this is a direct quote

you shouldn't have been so horribly

interesting

i don't

i don't think that's how consent works

what a proposal

what a proposal

i mean maybe for a demon that is

romantic we have to think of cultural

implications so true

so true i don't want to be mean to the

demon who thinks that is romantic

um

i can appreciate it but i might be

giving him too much credit here i think

that you are but i appreciate the

attempt

so regardless of all of this jimmy is

super convinced they're gonna get

married and just keep saying things

about how they're gonna mate they're

gonna get married this is it

and um our girl cinnabon is not on board

she's like

no what the [ __ ] dude like you are a

demon

please calm down

you're super hot and i kind of want to

jump on it but also calm down but also i

don't want to marry it i just want to

jump on it exactly

as we've previously discussed there is a

difference between boyfriend dick and

husband dick there's a difference

although she hasn't had any of his dick

she hasn't yet

um that's the second log floating in the

river

um so then they're continuing on they're

almost to the next town where the next

temple is and they get stopped by a

group of bandits

and the bandits are like we are gonna

kill your boy and rape you hope you all

have a great day

this is it there's like five of them

four of them

and um

one of her horses who's a scrappy mare

kicks one in the head and is like

not today and so she just like kicks

that [ __ ] in the head and so

then jimmy takes out two because he is

displeased with this threat for obvious

reasons

and then it turns out cinnabon is like a

really good archer

and so she shoots one with an arrow

um

and then

jimmy throws arrow guy over

the the side of the bridge into the

river so what i hear are saying is they

work really well as a team they do work

really well as a team

and so then he

is really upset that he threw the arrow

guy into the river

because he promised her he wouldn't kill

any more humans and he really doubted

the guy was going to survive with an

arrow

after being thrown in the river

and she's like um

it's okay to it's okay to kill murderers

and rapists yeah if they're like

actively trying to kill me we can make

an exception yeah i just meant like that

man who's sitting at the coffee shop

reading his book hasn't done anything

for you to murder him over right and a

guy who slaps me like

sure slap him around but don't kill him

that's her that's the line for her you

know i get her logic yeah i can see it

so

then jimmy makes a joke that he deserves

some points for saving her from the

bandits

and she is um not impressed she is like

okay so you think my heart is worth a

few points that's what you think i'm

worth to you are you kidding me

and he's like well um

how many points would it take for you to

marry me

and she's like a thousand

it would take a thousand points

um and so he is so how many points did

he get for protecting her from getting

murdered we'll get there

sorry i keep jumping ahead i know i feel

like half my questions you're like

chelsea

you're gonna ruin the book just let me

get there organically

it'll come i'm too

excited so he has not deterred by the

thousand points he is not deterred and

so honestly i don't know what the point

value system is and i'm sure we'll get

there in a minute but when she said a

thousand points in my head i'm like i

feel like you're selling yourself short

agreed a thousand is not nearly as high

as i anticipated you saying

so when he's when you're like he's not

deterred by a thousand points i was like

i wouldn't be either right it's three

points for save me from bandits but she

doesn't actually

give him any points for the bandits

we'll get there okay so um

he kisses her and pulls her into his lap

and starts feeling her up a little bit

and goes into

detail about he's gonna how he's gonna

eat her out and [ __ ] her he doesn't

actually

do anything

right okay so he's just like narrating

his plans to her yeah and this is like

so this is like when we reviewed dirty

ones

and

connor and sophia were [ __ ] and kira

was just like narrating narrating

whispering dirty [ __ ] in his ear and

conor's ear like that's what's happening

here yes okay and it's like

when i say in detail it's like four

pages

of detail that's some stephen king level

[ __ ] about how he is going to eat her

out and

[ __ ] her like he is into it

and she is like

you need to stop

right now and he's like okay and like

immediately takes hands off he's like

okay

and so she goes and dunks her head in

the river

and he follows her he's like are you

okay and she's like i will literally

give you a hundred points if you leave

me alone right now

oh damn

and so he's like

yes ma'am sayonara my lady he's like yes

ma'am

um so they get to the next city

and

jimmy is like i sense a lot of demons

here but i don't see any um what is

going on in tree

so they decide they're like we need to

stop at a tavern we need to find like a

a an inn so we can stay somewhere

um guys i'm gonna apologize really fast

i need to pour myself a new glass of

wine

in case you're wondering we aren't

sponsored by bota box but it'd be a lot

cooler if we were today we are drinking

the nighthawk

black

bold

cab sav it's rich bold and smooth oh i

was reading the label and my my pore

went a little harder than i intended for

it to um i apologize i this just felt

like it needed a a freshie so we needed

it we did so jimmy fallon is like

there's a lot of demons here but i just

i can't see them i can just sense them

right i feel them i don't see them so um

they decide they're gonna stop at a

tavern they're gonna get a room

and um these two different merchants are

on the street trying to convince them to

come to their separate ends

and as they're talking they

one of them is like

honey your demon doesn't have a collar

that's illegal and she's like

what

i'm sorry what

and so they find out that the people in

this city

keep demons as like pets or slaves

and um

yeah so they're all supposed to wear

collars legally

and

so they have a different relationship in

this city with demons as like the

goddess city that cinnabun grew up in

right so she's kind of from the sticks

and this is more of a metropolis kind of

situation

um so jimmy is pushed he is very unhappy

with the idea that demons are being kept

as slaves um and so they get to their

room um they they choose one of the

merchants they get to their room they're

trying to come up with a plan like what

do we do here like i don't know

and the innkeeper overhears the

conversation

um and she's like um

jimmy opens the door and he's like how

long have you been there and she's like

um

wild enough

and she's like um so listen i don't know

if you need help but i will help you and

they're like i'm sorry what why why

would we trust you you random

eavesdropper exactly and she says that

she didn't know that demons were

sentient like they'd been taught that

demons were like less than animals and

she didn't know that they could talk she

didn't know they had feelings she didn't

know and so she recognizes that none of

this is right so the common denominator

is that like no humans culturally

understand the nuance of demon life

forms correct okay um and so she's like

i didn't know they were held against

their will i will help you

so um apparently the mascot for her in

is a hyena

i don't know why she

was on the wrong side of the lion king

apparently yeah and she so she has a

dancing hyena and she's like i have an

idea

let's so she has to cinnamon has to get

close to the temple to destroy the

chalice

and in this

city there are mages who are like

priests who are like all over the place

so she's like

the demon and i will cause a distraction

with my hyena who dances

and that will make it easier for you to

get into the temple

um

and so

cinnabon is mining her own business

jimmy and the innkeeper usha

um

have gone ahead to start the distraction

and she's supposed to go separately so

that people don't realize they're

together so she's walking along and then

she finds this merchant who is selling

nachos which she has never seen before

and she's very excited about the nachos

so she gets a bucket of nachos

oh man i could i could [ __ ] up about a

basket or a bucket honestly probably

just a basket of knife here's the thing

i think a bucket of nachos feels a

little advantageous that is extreme but

like i could [ __ ] up a basket

of nachos i didn't think i was hungry at

all until i said bucket of nachos

and now i could eat where's fondue when

you need her

she's back in the village

um so

she sees a guy being beaten in the road

so he's wearing a collar that's less fun

and he's being beaten

and um so she goes up to this this guy

so she notices as she's walking all of

these different like pelts and furs that

are really beautiful

she's like i've never seen anything that

color that's so crazy that's beautiful

and so she sees this guy beating

another guy

and she's like um oh what the [ __ ] are

you doing like everybody's just watching

and she's like um excuse me what the

hell and he's like this is a werewolf

and he's blonde which means that his

pelt is blonde which means it's very

rare and i want it and then she realizes

that all of the very pretty furs that

she had seen were demon furs and she's

like

oh [ __ ]

this is not okay with me

so she decides that she's gonna buy him

from this guy and he's like um

i could get plenty for his pelt and

she's like well i'm a farmer and he

looks pretty strong so i'll take him

so she haggles and she also gets a lamia

which apparently is like a

a half man half snake situation bottom

half snake

and i appreciate the clarification on

which i knew you were gonna be important

i knew you were gonna ask

bottom half snake um and she's like uh

oh okay i guess

so she frees them both with her pouch of

cinnamon that she has on her on her hip

thank goodness she advocated to bring

the spice rack in their wagon and i

forgot she has these big skirts that

have lots of pockets in them and so a

lot of times oh she just goes

pulls out things from her skirt

like at one point she's like i'm kind of

hungry and just pulls out a loaf of

bread and jimmy is like what the [ __ ] is

happening and she's like are you hungry

good because this is mine it just eats

it so

years and years and years ago when i was

working in youth ministry one of my

favorite things that happened is i had a

student wearing cargo shorts and i look

over and he had a

full-size pack of oreos

just in his cargo shorts and i looked

over and i was like

are those oreos and he's like oh do you

want some and just like takes him out

and i was like before that moment i

never understood but truly in that

moment when he was giving me an oreo i

was like

[ __ ] do i understand cargo shorts

like do i co-sign cargo shorts now i was

like i do if they have oreos in the

pocket and so i mean or tater tots

well if napoleon dynamite taught us

anything those

tater tots but if you kick the pocket

you just have a mush smoosh my tater

tots

so

i was at lunch this week with my

peers at work

and the first person who ordered at

lunch was like i will have such and such

burger um and tater tots extra crispy

and i was like you can get tots extra

crispy here and she was like yeah and so

literally we went around the table there

were like seven or eight of us and every

single one of us ordered todd's extra

crispy

and the waitress was like that's really

good because if one of you had wanted

regular tots you wouldn't have gotten

them everyone is getting extra crispy

right i was like in the fry basket yeah

everyone is getting crispy they're all

extra crispy and they were delicious for

the record and i had a burger this is an

aside called the florida burger and it

had

so it had the like standard beef patty

pimento cheese

strawberry jam and jalapenos like

pickled jalapenos

i don't know what i thought you were

going to say when you said it was called

the florida burger but

i don't think any of those although i

mean like i guess like plant city you

have the strawberry festival every year

right

i mean it didn't scream florida to me

but it was delicious and so were the

tots for the record

so anyway

she buys a werewolf and a lamia

and so she frees them both and also

okay so this is another thing while i

was uh

outlining this book

lamia

continually labia autocorrected to labia

over and over again

and honestly the first time you said it

it took me a second and i paused and i

was like no she meant what she said

that's not she didn't mean labia i

didn't mean labia

so

when i

i

so the next day

after outlining this part i had to go

through and everywhere i put lamia had

to make sure that it said lame yet and

not labia because because we do review

smoke so you could

need use of both words for obvious

reasons so anyway so she frees them both

with her cinnamon

and they're super suspicious of her but

they agree to help they're like wait a

minute you're going after the witch

we're in let's do this [ __ ]

so she's like you have to continue to

wear a collar while we're here so that

people think that you're still under

reverse harems it's not okay it's not i

wasn't sure if that's where the

trajectory was taking us it's a good

question jimmy's too possessive for that

so that was my thought um so then she

continues on her way because she was on

the way to the temple to destroy the top

the chalice so she continues there are

mages everywhere and so um a fight

ensues there are mages everywhere

throwing potions and magic and stuff

and one of them hits her horses with a

flying potion and they grow wings and

fly away

which becomes relevant later

um

does that

would get wings did you become a pegasus

is that i guess yes they're pegasuses

pegasus literally i was like what's the

plural pegasi

pegasus i think pegasi just

feels slightly better there are two

pegasus and so

they fly away

she gets injured in the fight jimmy

loses his

ever loving [ __ ]

and shifts into a dragon to destroy the

town

what

yeah

so

she does destroy the chalice she's

injured by one of those blood bone ogre

thingies

and so then jimmy like loses it and

apparently he's a dragon so he like

takes off into the sky and starts just

shooting fire and destroying the town

and so

uh do

are all demons dragons no

okay no so the other two demons that she

rescued we had the werewolf and the

werewolf demon yeah so he looks like a

man

but he is a demon who is a werewolf and

then the lamia is the snake man he's the

snake man bottom half snake man snake

snake man whatever

and so

uh usha the innkeeper who agreed to help

is like hey

i'm gonna go get a ship because that's

gonna be the quickest way to get to the

third temple

um and you need to go get your man

and

uh cinnabon is like um

when you say my man exactly she's like i

don't i don't

[Music]

and the werewolf whose name is felix and

the lamia whose name is ambrose

agreed to come along this journey to

defeat the witch and so they go with

usha to secure a ship

so then

cinnabon

goes to stop what's his noodle jimmy

um he's like a an ultimate danger noodle

at this point i feel like that's what a

dragon the ultimate danger noodle

nothing sounds intimidating about

the danger noodle you're like what's

this noodle over there he's the ultimate

danger noodle of all of the danger

noodles i feel like that's what a dragon

is like a regular danger noodle it's

like a rattlesnake

her water moccasin but like the ultimate

noodle or an eel like an electric eel

situation

but the ultimate danger noodle would be

a dragon

but that danger noodle has a lot of

extra parts

he doesn't have wings

how was he flying to shoot fire at the

town

stop

so he's mushu for mulan yes just

shooting fire killing this town yes

so yes mushu from milan is

the ultimate danger so

fallon aka jimmy aka mushu

is destroying the town

and she goes to stop him and she frees

some gladiators who had been kept as

or some demons who'd been kept as

gladiators um and when she frees them

they're all like you looking for a mate

boo because we are into that and she's

like um

the dragon is my mate thanks so wait has

she embraces at this point or she just

trying to not piss off the danger she's

trying to not piss off the gladiator

demons

oh um so not even pissing off jimmy

fallon it was about not pissing off the

present danger yes okay um and so then

he lands behind her

and he's like um

so i'm your mate and she's like that's

not the point you're a dragon

anything else you want to share and he's

like uh yeah i'm 124 years old

[Laughter]

okay why wouldn't he be communication

matters

you embrace so much in a paranormal book

do you

you we embrace it you accept so much

without questioning it in a paranormal

book apparently

although kind of a paranormally

i

was not the best joke i would like to

formally apologize to everyone

hannah wasn't ready

i wasn't ready

i need a hot second y'all okay

so

fallon aka jimmy aka mushu transforms

back into a man

and he picks her up and goes into the

coliseum where all the demon gladiators

were so that they can bathe

um and like wash off all of the the

battle

um and find some clothes and he asks her

like what are you so afraid of

because obviously you're into me

you know good for you

for putting that question out there

jimmy yeah he

you know good on jimmy for owning his

confidence

because i feel like it takes a lot to

tell a woman that she's into you

because for me as soon as a man says i

know you're into it i am not anymore

that is also

all right to be fair i i think i was

focusing more on like the conversation

aspect of like so what are you

so afraid of like why are you holding

yourself back like it seems like you're

into this was more of the interpretation

i was going that is the goal i think

like that's the intent less of like i

know you're into me why won't you just

embrace it and you're like no that does

not land as well the tone comes later so

then

um

she tells him about her ex-boyfriend who

left her because she was too boring

and so because she didn't want to go on

these adventures and stuff anymore after

her sister died and so

she's like i'm pretty sure you're gonna

get tired of me like you're a demon who

does all these amazing things like

you're gonna be bored with me eventually

that's sad um when we finish our quest

and then

um he ties her to the bed at that point

he's like you are not boring

let me demonstrate

ties her to the bed and eats her out

very thoroughly according to my notes

yeah so he was just making good on the

promise from earlier when he very

thoroughly told her how he planned to

eat her out yes he delivered fully

and for some reason i have page 101 on

here if anyone wants to know where that

that [ __ ] is at it's page 101. okay but

what was that on your kindle and what

font size were you using it was on my

kindle and i don't know i mean i guess

it probably still is page 101 because i

don't think that shifts but

i'm i do know when you like zoom in to

like 12 point font

or size 12 font on your kindle but then

the page numbers stay the same until you

get to the next i never actually know

because i don't actually well here's the

thing i never put my non-page number i

always keep my kindle on um time left in

chapter

me too yeah so i like never actually

know i'm like i could be reading a page

and a half

versus what like the book was published

as but i actually never have any idea

what page number i'm on i always keep it

to time left also but anyway

so regardless she has an excellent

orgasm and then good for her

and good for him

so then he unties her and tells her to

turn on her side

um and keep her legs together

and this just we're just gonna go here

so he then starts [ __ ] between her

thighs but he doesn't actually penetrate

her

is is he rubbing against

her

lips or is he is rubbing against her

labia yes

i'm really sorry you guys

[Laughter]

okay so

we go with it yeah so he won't [ __ ] her

because she hasn't consented to mate him

and consent matters it does

so

um that's how that happens she has

another orgasm because apparently he's

bumping up against stuff that she's into

and then

um he's like i still want to meet you

like this [ __ ] is still on the table and

she's like

um

is it i don't know

and so then they go to sleep

and that's it

and then when you said that's it for a

second i thought you meant that's how

the book

no that's not how the book ends but that

is how the scene ends okay okay go to

sleep

and he holds her very gingerly it's very

sweet

um and he's like you could never be

boring you are horribly interesting

because that's apparently his descriptor

for her

so then

felix who is the werewolf demon that she

rescued is there when she wakes up

and um

fallon is not so he says they're going

to meet fallon usha who's the innkeeper

in ambrose who is the lamia at a ship

so she needs to like get up and get

dressed

so they get there and usha is arguing

with the other shopkeeper from the

street where fallon and cinnamon were

previously

and he calls her a fat she whale

and ambrose gets

pissed and throws are

our other innkeeper

through a wall and then ushers usha away

he's like come with me boo because i'm

into that

and so then

usha and cinnabon

are co-captains at this point of this

ship

and um they decide they're going to have

a feast

to celebrate because several demons

who've been freed from slavery when they

when when jimmy destroyed the town

um are very grateful for their freedom

and so they agreed to be essentially the

like crew of the ship

and so um they have a feast for them

so then usha another female demon named

holly who i if i'm remembering correctly

is a centaur and felix who has declared

his himself as cinnabon's bestie

um all eat it while um they try to

convince cinnabon to go declare her

feelings to jimmy because she's feeling

it like she's intuited this and like

everyone else knows she's into it

everybody knows everybody knows but like

she's like but i don't know like

like i feel weird

so cause like what if he's not really

into me like what if he just wants to

get laid

so

she then goes to find him after her

friends hype her up she goes to find him

and then she chickens out

and she's like goes back to her friends

she's like i couldn't do it i couldn't

do it

and then she just gets smash hammer

drunk that is literally what my notes

say

she gets smash hammer drunk

so then

our girl cinnabon wakes up with a

terrible hangover surrounded by cheese

because apparently

while she was very drunk

she declared herself the cheese queen

and demanded that all the members of

of the crew of the ship bring her all

the cheese they could find and so in her

her quarters she is just

surrounded

by cheese i've heard of way worse ways

to wake up

than with like all of the cheese of your

choosing agreed so then she's like maybe

i dreamed that

maybe that's not real cause i really

hope not because she doesn't remember

everything

so then

um

one of the crew comes in and it's like

hey we found a cargo ship you want to

approve us robbing that real quick

and she's like i literally

don't care get out

go do whatever you want just go

at this point my head is killing me like

i'm hungover rob whoever you think you

need to rob just don't interrupt me

exactly and jimmy is in bed with her but

they're both clothed

so then

um

she tells jimmy that she loves him she's

like actually you know what i love you

and he is like

bet time to mate [ __ ] and she's like

yup

so then he bites her to complete the

mating and she gets like super horny

she's like i will literally

do anything for a klondike bar like what

do i have to do

like

what do i have to do

and he says

listen

here's what you don't know about dragons

i am super petty and you have made me

wait for a month so you can wait and

leaves her

[Laughter]

whoa

oh he's like hey fallon

he's like mushu jimmy

classic mushu jimmy over there

so she's like

uh

what and he's like you just approved the

crew to rob a ship we need to go support

their efforts you're the captain and

like goes to help them rob the ship

so and so she thinks that the whole

cheese queen thing maybe she made up in

her mind but when she comes out felix

who has declared himself her bestie is

like what up cheese queen how's it

hanging she's like god damn it

i think it's sweet she just misses her

best friend brie fondue she does

so anyway

the mating is complete she's super horny

they go to assist with robbing of the

other ship and they come out and they

find that the whole other crew has

already surrendered and everybody's like

well that's [ __ ] lame that was

underwhelming we were really hoping for

a fight here

and then they

the members of their crew who had

boarded the other ship bring someone up

who has a collar on who's obviously a

demon who is enslaved and fallon is like

um

that's a [ __ ] dragon

uh

everybody panic

he's like this is a trap this is not

good

and so the dragon then shifts and this

is a um

an ice dragon i think if i'm remembering

correctly of course jimmy is a um fire

dragon he well he's a a

shadow dragon the [ __ ] does that so he's

he has shadows and fire anyway i don't

know it's not really important so then

um my notes say

um

dragon shifts and [ __ ] everybody up

so then jimmy also shifts and there's a

big fight in the air cinnabon rides one

of her flying horses who just showed

back up

um to help she shoots arrows that are

tipped with cinnamon into the other

dragon trying to like break the spell

but then she recognizes that the third

chalice is actually tied to his neck so

the cinnamon isn't going to be enough to

break the spell because the witch's

essence is like

permeating on his [ __ ] yeah

so she

jumps on to the other

dragon's back

to smash

the chalice

and then they crash land on an island

jimmy comes right behind and crashes as

well

everybody shifts back to their human

form and then passes out

and then

she wakes up being carried by a very

naked jimmy to a waterfall on the island

and he's like it's time to bang i don't

know what i was thinking with this whole

like petty [ __ ] but i'm not with it

anymore

and it's it's time

so

he

he was like i'm really petty about sex

until we have a near-death experience

and then i just want to be near you

basically yes there

so he is

super dominating there's a lot of like

praise kink happening as well

um and so it's very much like

are you gonna be my good little girl

like that kind of [ __ ] and then he eats

her out and bangs her from behind and

it's

life-changing

um and so then

they start walking back um and gathering

fruit and food and stuff to eat and then

all of a sudden our girl cinnabon is

like holy [ __ ]

we didn't use any kind of protection

like oh god like i am not ready to be a

parent are you ready to be a parent and

she has like this whole moment

and jimmy was like hold up babe i got

you covered

he had a rune directly under his belly

button to prevent pregnancy

and she's like you are so awful

and so she kisses it

like kisses the rune and then she is

like

i

like this position i'm gonna blow you

so she starts to blow him while rubbing

one out

and then usha shows up and is like i

found them

we should come back later

and jimmy is like bet let's finish this

and

cinnabon is no longer in the mood she's

like you can finish it yourself thanks

so

they go back to the ship

the other dragon the spell has been

broken

and so he is older he's a storm dragon

and he offers to pull the ship storm

dragon not ice dragon he's a storm

dragon he offers to pull the ship in

order to cut the travel time so they

have now destroyed three out of the four

chalices

and so he's like allow me

so they do all of that

they get to this like mountain pass

thing

um oh i forgot so while

the storm dragon is pulling the ship

cinnamon is super sick like really

really seasick and fallon is very very

sweet like bringing her things and like

taking good care of her it's all very

nice

so then they get to this mountain pass

and then jimmy has shadow power so he

like hides the ship in shadows so that

they can stay

under the radar

um and then he shifts and has everybody

get on his back so that he takes them up

to the temple because this is like he

doesn't have wings he doesn't have wings

i feel very strongly about him just

slithering through the air without wings

kimberly i'm loving the book you wrote

so far

but i'm very confused on the lack of

dragon wings and his upward

gravity-defying mobility

it's magic

you can't just keep whispering it's

magic that doesn't cover everything

sure it does fine

jimmy

the shadow dragon

yeah without his

wings yeah

takes them up to the temple fair and

then some humans come out to stop them

and it turns out this is like the four

people that were selected by the goddess

slash witch

so one of them is the girl from her

village and the other one turns out is

her ex

[Music]

and so there's a big fight

and jimmy fights the two idiots from her

village and rips off her ex's arm he's

into ripping off arms and then

usha and our girl cinnabon they fight

the evil witch there's lots of things

happening there's like the blood and

bone ogre thing again

and usha is hurt and so she's struggling

some

and then cinnabon

so so during the mating apparently they

share

magic and so she should be able to

control some of his powers but that's

something that usually takes a pretty

significant amount of time but obviously

in this case cinnamon calls jimmy's

magic to create shadows herself to like

throw off the evil witch

and destroys the chalice however

the witch still has the one body so

she's destroyed all the stuff that makes

her immortal

and like all the separate containers so

essentially we got rid of all of the

horcruxes yes but we still have the one

body so we did rip off harry potter

slightly we did okay um and so then um

cinnabon is also injured and then jimmy

kills the witch absorbing all of her

power

um

and then one of the remaining heroes so

there are four so the the two from her

village are like oh [ __ ] like this is

not a goddess like this is not a good

situation we should help cinnamon and

then one of the remaining heroes is like

this [ __ ] trying to kill our goddess

like blah blah blah and tries to kill

her so then jimmy kills him like rips

off his head

and then he goes after the other two

village idiots but then

cinnamon protects them

jimmy grabs her flies away tells her

just have a nice nap babe like just have

a nap

and so then she wakes up a few days

later we're almost to the end

she wakes up a few days later back on

the island where their mating was

officially consummated

and um

he used the the magic that he absorbed

from the witch to like build them a

house and like have a nice place for

them to stay

um he made her a crab boil because he

was paying attention when she was making

her crawdad boil and so he was like i

paid attention i made you food did they

have all of them necessary seasoning

they did oh thank god so then um he

tells her that he wanted her to sleep

for a few days because

he didn't want her to see how upset he

was about the whole situation with her

being injured

and that also he just wants to keep her

on the island for a few years until

she gets mastery over his powers and can

protect herself better and she's like

um

can't you just make me a shield like

you shielded yourself the only option

yeah she's like you shielded yourself

jackass like can you not shield me

and he's like

i'm an idiot

yes i can do that she's like i know i

know that's why that's our new game plan

and so they bang it's actually super hot

because they're having this whole

conversation whatever and she's like

okay okay okay now flip me over and tell

me i'm a good girl oh my god damn

good for you girl okay

get it

so then

epilogue three months later

she gets home finally

um very happy family reunion

everybody's very happy to see her

everything is great

um and that's the end and you know

i really

did enjoy this book very much

i will say

i was a little disappointed that there

wasn't more development for the side

characters because i got even with like

the brief moments with usha

and bree and

ambrose and felix and everything like i

got kind of invested in them oh i want

to know how they're doing yeah i was

like wait a minute like

do ambrose and usha get together because

i hope so like i hope that they're gonna

be a series

yes this is the first one um but still

like normally in series where it's like

a standalone for each couple there's a

little bit more of something there's

something that's like leading you and

being like oh i can't wait for when

their book drops exactly instead of just

like what

yeah i mean this one sounded super fun

it was really it was a really

excellent vacation read you know

it

i never had any doubt that our main

characters weren't going to get together

and have a happily ever after there was

never any like

super angst where i was concerned about

anybody's safety

but it did have enough intrigue to keep

me like it was engaged it was funny it

was really funny so okay what would we

rate it then

i'm gonna say

four out of five crawfish

well those are pretty small

okay

okay

just more cheese wheels jeez

how many wheels of gouda

how many fondue pots oh

how many fondue pots

um

i'm gonna go with like

eight and a half out of ten

full fondue pots

that's a

great review thank you

i

i love fondue i can [ __ ] up some

dippable chocolates and jesus 100

and i really did like this was an

enjoyable read like there were some

things that i wish were a little bit

more it was a short book so there were

things that i wish that she had gone

into a little bit more uh but again like

it was a really fun read

um and the story was interesting and the

characters were funny and the dialogue

was good so yeah

eight full fondue pots one half fondue

pot out of ten

when i used to work psychiatric crisis

my supervisor was a

magician on the side

and

one of his like standing gigs was at

the melting pot

as a magician

is is is

the fondue not magic enough

like

you need a card trick and a balloon

animal on top of that

i mean i don't

um

no i think eight and a half fondue pots

is a great rating especially because

like

fondue is versatile you have plenty of

types each pot could be filled with a

different

kind of type of cheese or chocolate damn

i could [ __ ] up some i was just thinking

that all right i think i want some

cheese we're gonna go

find something now because i think we

made ourselves hungry so

this one sounds fun i haven't read it

yet but i'm really excited for this

author as they are dropping more stuff

and i can't wait to read it in the

future yep 100 so thank you all for

joining us for this review of

that time i got drunk and saved a demon

by kimberly lemming thank you yeah we

hope you have a great day smart [ __ ]

or smut puppies depending on where

you're at

or [ __ ] pups was that the third one [ __ ]

we're not gonna remember all of these

choose your own name we hope you have a

great day bye next week on smack club

i'm here to provide the perspective of

some i have never read no okay i'm lying

after middle school i have not read any

smut and sometimes

thank you you were reading smut oh yeah

in middle school

what kind um so okay

this is gonna be very specific but okay

so let me see if i can find it it's

called like a hustler's wife

hold up you read a book called a hustler

i don't hear i don't think you need to

find it yes by nicki turner by nikki

turner anyone who knows those hood

classics from back in the day yes

because there was a hustler's wife and

then there was forever a hustler's wife

the autobiography of a hustler's wife so

this was the first month you've read

since middle school

when you read a hustler as well and

these are the

the like images did your mother know you

were reading these characters no because

we would go to barnes and noble

and then

in this would be in the african-american

book section

would be these books and so me and my

sisters would buy them and we would just

swap them

out

and they were

okay i don't want to be disrespectful

they weren't the best but

they were disgusting and so y'all didn't

read smut books in middle school

no

no no

can't say i did

[Music]

well that's it for this week's mud [ __ ]

we hope it was good for you because it

sure was great for us

if you're digging what we're doing it

would mean a lot if you'd take a minute

to rate and review the show wherever

you're listening right now

maybe tell that sexy someone to lend us

an ear

we love you we appreciate you

and we'll see you next week

stay spotty

[Music]