Smut Club

well

hello all you beautiful people

you know what time it is

[Music]

ladies and gents

guys and dolls and everyone in between

gather round

get you something real nice to sip on

and comfy to slip on

because it's time

for smut club

here's your hosts chelsea and anna

[Music]

hello everyone hi everyone welcome to

smut club

i'm chelsea i'm hannah

and um today we have a

just a true treat really

treat for who

no one

so

y'all i was debating which books to

review and i was talking to chelsea

about it please ignore brandon chelsea's

pug who's having a moment um

i was debating which books to review and

i was talking to chelsea about it and i

briefly mentioned this book and she was

like i you have to do it

so

it's happening this book is called

scorpions mate

by susan trombley

and i have a lot of questions for susan

i have a lot of concerns for susan so

does brandon

so

well and so we haven't even made it into

this review yet but i can just tell you

it doesn't matter how you describe the

scorpion or his mate all i can think of

is the scorpion king

hey dwayne the rock johnson how are you

doing um and just like how great he was

in his mummy franchise spin-off and so

in my head dwayne the rock johnson

will be playing the scorpion in this

entire book this is not that but i do

think that imagining dwayne will be

helpful

and just a brief shout out dwayne if

you're listening

hit me up

so dwayne we love you my husband and i

put you on our family holiday christmas

card last year so like yeah yeah hit us

up we'd love we'd love to know what smut

you're into these days yeah

i mean make a request man we will review

it 100

or you can read it with us and we can

review it with you that is living the

dream

but unfortunately that's not what's

happening right now today it's just

hannah i'm reviewing

the scorpions mate yeah i'm gonna need

more wine for this

yeah

the two glasses i've had thus far will

not be sufficient

so

we have claire

who is our

female main character

she is a

oh

so like the way she describes herself

she is a little bit curvaceous

she has dyed her hair black the ends are

purple

she is giving off a sort of goth energy

like in my head it's very like hot topic

circa 2004 yes i would i would agree

with that

um and she is we open with her going on

a camping trip with her best friend and

her best friend's boyfriend

and

some dude whose name i don't remember

because he's not relevant

um who is basically like her blind date

for this camping trip

and he very clearly based on her

perception

um is kind of disappointed but also into

it

um

she is not a girl you take home to mom

essentially but he's like i'd be because

she's so edgy so edgy

but he's so edgy so edgy so emo

uh very seen and he's like i do that and

she's like yikes

like everybody thinks that i'm just like

down to clown because of my appearance

and i'm not

it's like okay honey well what are you

putting out in the world that everyone's

perception of you is that you're down to

clown like i'm not i i mean dress how

you want and like be who you want to be

and at the same time like

on some level

honey like okay

whatever

anyway

so

um she goes on this camping trip in the

the deserts of arizona her best friend

is obsessed with aliens and they're like

haha wouldn't it be so funny if we saw

ufo

spoiler alert

she gets abducted on the first night of

their stop

i love this already

yes so she is abducted by aliens on the

first night okay hannah i'm not gonna

lie i love joint review days because

it's really fun when we both read books

and to remember like what stood out to

each of us but i also love you review

days

because i truly

never know what's going to happen

neither do i yes so

she gets abducted she gets abducted

overnight on this camping trip and she

wakes up in a cell that's like all white

walls she's wearing this like hospital

gown thing i hate it when that happens

she's taken by these weird robots that

have no faces

um

to this lab where she's getting

experimented on basically she's being

tortured

my notes say lots of probe descriptions

so there's a lot of graphic description

of what is being done to her that

truly is horrifying and also at the same

time hilarious because of the context

um it's just ridiculous like so yeah all

right that snl sketch

close encounters where ryan gosling

keeps breaking character and kate

mckinnon is just like

so brilliant we don't deserve her yes um

that's when you are describing probing

i'm just imagining kate mckinnon

describing herself being probed

basically yes yeah okay

um and it's painful and it's a lot and

she loses time because she's in this

cell

and she does not know what the [ __ ] is

going on

and then she is put into this like

clear

box this i'm i'm imagining like

plexiglas but that's not what it is but

it's this like box of like clear box

in a larger room

um

and she sees something moving in the

shadows and she's like the [ __ ] is that

and i just want to make sure

i haven't missed something already

because i feel like there's a chance i

could have missed something already

she's human

yes yeah yeah she's completely human

she's completely human

and she is like oh what

the [ __ ] is that moving in the shadows

and this thing

comes out of the shadows and it

is

oh i forgot to mention so when she's on

this camping trip she sees a scorpion

and the guy she's with is like we should

kill it and she's like no scorpions are

great you just have to respect them

they're beautiful they're very

interesting like leave it alone it'll be

fine it's not here to hurt you

um

which is a bit of a spoiler alert

because

this creature that comes out of the

shadows

um is very scorpion-esque

so it has uh pincers and it has four

arms it has this humanoid face

it has wings

and it is described as looking like a

ninja warrior with this like body plate

armor

i just imagine a scorpion competing on

american ninja warrior yes okay yeah yes

so then she is sitting in this box and

she's like huddled in the corner

watching this thing come towards her

and she gets this whiff of something and

she's like what is that smell

um and it is apparently pheromones

because she gets wicked turned on in

this interaction but she's also

terrified

um

she's like what the [ __ ] is happening

there's lots of descriptions of peaked

nipples which is just whatever

whatever

um like honestly the first time you're

like i get it and i feel like there are

some authors that they're like hey

we like we get it

the nipples are hard please stop

describing these nipples as erect like

please if there's one request i could

make to these authors but please also

don't say

my nipples could cut glass right because

i really

that's a weird one it is i don't enjoy

it

i don't think it's sexual at all no

it's like when they say like my dick as

hard as granite it's like no it's not

like just stop i feel like there are so

many books that describe dicks as like

soft velvet covering cold marble yes or

like like uh velvet covered steel yes

i'm like all of them with with the

perfect mushroom head

anyway

so she's pretty terrified

this dude doesn't have a mushroom head

because he's a scorpion

we don't see his penis in this

interaction oh my bad i'm really jumping

the gun here you are slow down

so the alien is like super fixated on

her and tries to break into the box

and so it like loses its [ __ ] and is

like beating on the box

and she's like oh

okay

um and

then other alien

creatures that look sort of like dogs

are released into the larger room

and the other alien

fights them off apparently trying to

protect her

and then wait how do we know that he's

protected we will find out okay

so she like she sees him doing this but

she doesn't really know why yes this is

from her perspective okay and so she is

basically hauled out as the scorpion

alien is incapacitated by

some kind of like cattle prod kind of

situation

um

and then we switch to the aliens

perspective his name is apparently thrax

um

question i just want to make sure i

heard that correctly

t h

o r

a x or t h r a x y i don't know why

that's worse

i mean thorax is a a a

description of a body part but thrax is

just a sound that you make when you like

stub your toe when you're trying not to

say bad words threats exactly

it is an exclamation not a name but

whatever

we're asked to believe a lot in this

book and frankly the name is the least

of our concerns at this juncture

so thrax

is our alien

person

he knows from the scent that he picks up

from the human

um that she is his mate he's like that's

the one she smells great

he calls the

uh

researchers and the scientists in this

apparent research facility soft meats

no

yes

i feel like that's going to be my

response to a lot of this it's just

going to maybe

be me going

yeah no

no no no no we're not doing

that but we are

so thrax is referring to these other

ones as soft meets um he basically views

everything as either prey or competition

for prey

everything that he does

so

he is super ragey that they took his

mate from him and he's like where is she

what are they doing to her i need her

back

it really feels like a lot has happened

and nothing has happened

yes yeah you're correct does she have

any idea she's his mate or she just

thought he smelled nice too

she just thought he smelled nice okay

yeah and she's into it

um but also not because she's like what

is that because he has four arms and

pinchers

yes so

um

my notes say turns out he's a giant

scorpion that's been genetically

modified

so apparently the people who are or the

aliens who are running this research

facility

um are trying to make super soldiers and

so they captured him from his home

planet

and genetically modified him to be more

humanoid

and to be able to communicate more

effectively and

now he walks on two legs and has two

arms instead of being like or four arms

i mean instead of being like a scorpion

um

he also has a translator that they

implanted into him so that he can

communicate both with the scientists and

with claire so when he is all ragey that

they took his mate from him the lead

scientist whose name is ilian

is like

bro

she's scared of you right now so you

need to calm down and if you really want

to like get at that

you're going to need to simmer down and

learn to communicate

because up to this point thrax has

refused to communicate with the

scientists he understands that but he

refuses to speak okay

yeah because he's real pissed

and they're like unless you start

communicating your translator is not

going to calibrate and your mate is

going to continue to be terrified of you

so you're going to need to simmer down

so

i don't remember the segway for this we

switch back to claire's uh

perspective

she

is thinking about i guess her past

turns out she is a clothing designer she

does like cosplay and special effects

type stuff

um and does

rave dancing my notes have rave dancing

with a question mark apparently she has

like a channel on youtube where she does

like rave club

type dancing i just imagine that one

video of all of the scene people under

the bridge dancing

you know what i'm talking about okay i

do know what you're talking about but i

was also

thinking of

honestly someone i never even met i

don't even remember who was telling me

about them but they just like had

someone in their life

who

was really into like the rave dancing

and had the gloves for it yes and like

like the light up gloves they could do

all like the fun hand things but i just

remember that person also like

having like

a 40 gallon fish tank

and being way too into their fish that

is claire's energy um

yes so that's kind of like that's the

mental image i was coming into this with

that is claire's energy so um she then

talks to

a

blue skinned

female alien

who has

elfin ears

but otherwise looks human

um

who tells her about this alien research

project that she has been

um

abducted into yeah she's gonna say

recruited but she wasn't she

was abducted into

um and i am recalling our very first

episode when we debated abducted versus

kidnapping this is definitely an

abduction

you know

so um

again i

i just reread this you guys like i just

finished it last night and i still

can't tell you how we got here but at

some point she gets strapped into a

chair

and electrocuted i guess because she was

being like non-compliant um oh and i

forgot she she does not talk to this

blue skinned alien

in person like face to face she talks to

them through the robots that are her

only

contact

like

are the robots like her personal

assistant i'm i'm confused are they just

like her like are her friends robots

i don't think they're

friends i think they're like

i imagine them

like those faceless

droid things on that one episode of

doctor who and i know that they've had

other like iterations in other

movies like in that one with will smith

whatever the [ __ ] that one was

i i robot

yes

i imagine them like that like they don't

really have a face and they're like

white

whatever

um that's essentially how they're

described

so then

um

once again

she is in one of those clear plexi glass

situations in the same chair where she

was electrocuted

we switch back to thorax's point of view

he sees her through the window

he does not understand that he's horny

he was like i'm hungry but i don't want

to eat i don't understand what is

happening right now

that's so weird

my groin plate

feels

tight

no

[Music]

yup my groin plate wow also what a

incredible poppin of the pee you just

did

like wow damn you're welcome i've been

training my whole life for that

so

yeah so

so he's covered in these armor plates he

doesn't wear clothes he has these armor

plates all over his body that protect

his

innards i don't know his soft bits if

you will

i mean i don't love the term soft bits

either but essentially like they won't

be soft for long well his spoilers

or sorry

and like his

his organs is that the word i mean he

has like skin essentially underneath

yeah

he is not humanoid y'all like he is very

much like 100

alien

so it's very difficult to like

picture what is supposed to be happening

i'm just picturing a scorpion with the

rock's face

yes i thought we were all in agreement

here that's the one

so he is put into the room he sees her

through the glass thing he knows that

she's in

the like electrocution chair thing

no she's gonna be hurt no she's gonna be

tortured

um one of the

um researchers

speaks to him like through speakers in

the ceiling and is like listen

you have this allotted time to destroy

mech droids which is what the alien

robot things are called mechs

he has an allotted time to destroy these

mechs or

his mate is going to be tortured for his

incompetence

okay so wait

when

she was abducted did they already know

it was his mate no

so they just like abducted a female and

then just like luck would have it

well we'll find out later they abducted

a lot of females

trying to to what end trying to get him

to mate with one of them

oh so they were all abducted on his

behalf yes well that was thoughtful of

them it was something

so

he

lips his [ __ ] like flips his ever-loving

mind because he does not want her to be

injured he does not want her to be hurt

he's super ragey that they would even

threaten such a thing

and so he he does destroy all of the

robots in the allotted time and the

scientists are like god damn dude like

we did not expect you to be successful

we fully expected to be torturing your

mate right now and we're super excited

that you did that

because i guess like he they'd been

testing his speed and his agility all of

this time

and

he was pretty good but he would

sometimes get bored and essentially like

play with

whatever they put they they

gave him

he would kind of play with it because he

was bored but this time he was like no

no no no one is hurting my mate and like

destroys all of them

okay i was just thinking about scorpion

mating habits

because i thought scorpions like killed

and ate their mates like i know like

scorpion cannibalism is a thing that's

praying mantises no it's not

we'll get there don't worry about it

like we'll get into it oh no it's

present okay

i'm just like sitting there i'm like i'm

just like i think i'm really thinking

through the logistics of him being

a scorpion

hybrid

person

we'll get there okay i'm really jumping

the gun i apologize

i'm just trying to understand in all

fairness

you can't

understand

like

you can't you're like you can sit here

and hypothesize for hours but you still

won't get there you can't okay so we

switch back to clear's point of view

um claire speaks to ilyan who winds out

he is the lead researcher at this

facility

and he tells her basically that thrax

was um

he was abducted from his home planet

and genetically modified to be a super

soldier because

this race of aliens is trying to

protect themselves from another race of

aliens who's trying to like take over

the universe or something

and um

they need her

to breed with this alien scorpion alien

to create more super soldiers and she's

like the [ __ ]

um

what

she's like no it just really feels like

they're very presumptuous on everyone's

willingness to help their cause and he's

super gaslighty she's like no i i'm not

i don't want to do that and he's like so

you would doom an entire race

because you're unwilling

to let us use your womb

and she's like yes she's like well now

that you ask absolutely i'm willing to

doom an entire race yes she's like when

you put it that way uh [ __ ] off oh

that's why i'm here

no thank you

like yes [ __ ]

exactly alien

is that a name

[Music]

i mean it is now

kind of like wendy became a name in

peter pan yes um alien became

yeah like no offense to people i feel

like there's one like

killian

yeah

like this is just alien

and so he looks just like the blue

skinned

female researcher that she saw

previously but he has green skin and

wings

um which will be relevant later so

um the robot

thing

she's it like in

a two-way mirror situation and she can

see thrax while alien is talking to her

ilian is not in the same room as her

she's never she does not interact with

anyone except for the robots and thrax

through this whole thing

so she can see thrax through this window

he

loses his [ __ ] and tries to break the

window and so the robots haul her out

and then my notes just say she's

tortured some more

how is she tortured

do we know so what do i wanna know so

previously she was probed and it was

horrible yes the probing and then she

was electrocuted in the chair

and like other

medical tests were run on her that she

did not consent to

and then in this instance they took her

basically to shower

but they like

it was

described really in a horrifying way

where they like ripped off her hospital

gown and like put alien gloop on her

head

i don't know

i don't know

i mean

i'm gonna say the look on your face is

saying desperately please don't ask me

what alien gloop is

like there's some kind of cleanser i

don't know

i don't like body wash because she was

in the shower i guess but it was like

all-purpose and so they put it on her

hair

and she's like do aliens not know about

[ __ ] conditioner jesus

so

um so then they're like cool you did a

great job with your shower

so now

we have knocked thrax out with like this

knockout gas and we are gonna put you in

his cell and she's like excuse me

and ilian is like i suggest that you get

familiar with and become comfortable

with his body because you're about to

get real used to it so you might as well

do it while he's unconscious so that you

can feel more what

yeah [ __ ]

like

i'm not about the lack of consent in

this book there's no consent anywhere

well actually that's not true like it

comes later but like

alien does not know the meaning of the

word he's like consent i don't know her

like

poker i hardly know her

that is how i heard you saying that

exactly

um

but here's the thing no one is

consenting like

hey we knocked him out

you better familiarize yourself with his

body

yeah i'm

this is some energy i'm not here for

i'm not here for any of it

but

but we're very deep in this so we're

gonna keep going all the way in it so we

are gonna keep going

so she she's put into this like habitat

that is

sort of made out to be like a desert

and

the ceiling is made to look like the

night sky

and so she's like wandering around and

she eventually finds him under this like

rock crevice thing and so she goes in

and she's like looking at him

so he's in a zoo exhibit that they put

her in basically

and once again his scent makes her super

horny

to the point

hannah i don't know why you sound

shocked by this i mean

i don't know if shocked is the word

oh god

so

she is so turned on at this point she

does not notice when he wakes up

so

how how

i'm sorry

i have you ever been so turned on in

your life that you

lose awareness of the space around you

not to that extent no oh damn i want

that story

at a later date

if my mother-in-law listens to this

i don't want to have more explaining too

yeah i don't that might not be an on-air

story

or it'll be an extra episode story it'll

be a patreon story thanks for your

subscription

incredible anyway

so

we switched to thrax's point of view

and he wakes up and

it actually says when we're still in

claire's point of view

that go ahead fill it up okay yeah sorry

guys i need to fill my wine because

i didn't think i would need more wine

but now that we're in this review i i do

need it in case you're wondering what

i'm drinking it's the nighthawk black

bourbon barrel aged cab

by boat a box um it's delicious it's one

of my favorites you should entirely try

it we're not sponsored by botobox it'd

be cooler if we were and here's the

sound of a boat a box

being poured into a wine glass

that's the stuff

nailed it

so thrax wakes up

he grabs her because she's like right up

next to him and and he's like

then i'm overwhelmed like at first he

could smell her arousal which again like

this happens in a lot of these books

where they describe like the scent of

arousal and i'm like

that's

kind of gross honestly in this one at

least it's paranormal so i'll give them

some more credit but just like the

normal human books

and they're like i got so turned on when

i walked into the room and smelled her

arousal and i'm like

you're a doctor yeah like you should not

be able to smell that is she okay

probably not like i'm like

well

you put your face up in there because i

would not

i mean claire is not okay you know

so he grabs her

and then

initially he smells the scent of

whatever and then he's overwhelmed by

the smell of her fear and he's like oh

no no

my mate cannot be afraid we don't like

that so he lets her go and she stumbles

back and toes

or just like away away from him away

from him and he grabs her again because

she almost falls into

these

poisonous

cacti i don't [ __ ] know

but this is where we find out that thrax

apparently has

some kind of foresight

like he's a psychic

yeah but he can only see like a few

seconds ahead which helps him in a lot

of the fights that he's in

he can sense things

i'm like is he just deducing what's

gonna happen

whatever

so he grabs her to prevent her from

falling into these spikes

and would they kill her yes okay um

however thorax can produce

all kinds of different venom

oh

yeah

so i mean he he is a super

not spy a super

soldier that's the word i was going for

super soldier

super soldier

so

he's like super horny

and he considers like pinning her down

and just like going for it but his

foresight shows him her

turning her face away from him and and

crying and he's like

no maybe i shouldn't sexually assault my

mate yeah he's like i don't okay like

that

that's good insight thrax really good

job everybody proud of you so happy for

you

so he stops and releases her and then um

but stays close to her to prevent her

from like potentially hurting herself

because apparently his habitat is a

[ __ ] death trap it sounds it so

um

then we switch back to claire's point of

view

claire again just super horny like

that's basically the

theme

is just super horny

um

and

he is he explains to her how he was

taken from his home planet

and genetically modified

he calls it the before time and the now

time so the before time before he was

abducted and then now time when after he

has been

uh modified

and

she said tells him that she's sorry and

he's like why

would you apologize

and she's like because that's really sad

like i'm sorry that that happened to you

and he's like i

don't

get it

so my notes literally say she tries to

explain empathy thrax does not compute

does not get it he does not understand

he's like what

are you doing

to the point where she starts to cry

for him and he's like you are leaking

salt and that

is a vital nutrient

why are you leaking salt so she tries to

explain tears and again

again my notes say thrax does not

compute he does not understand tears

he's like this is a vital nutrient you

need to stop that

because it's important like does thrax

understand any emotions outside of anger

no okay

we'll get there okay well i'm like

therapist chelsea's just like well anger

it's a secondary emotion

i'm like let's talk about our anger

icebergs y'all what's underneath it

so um

she then starts making out with racks

because he's like holding her to keep

her safe from her his death trap of a

habitat

and so she starts kissing him

and she feels a seam on his face that we

will get into later and she's like this

is weird but i'm into it and he's like

this is nice

and

so they're making out

and i don't remember

i i think she pulls away because she's

like i should probably stop because

there are obviously cameras in here and

i'm not trying to

make a kim kardashian style tape right

now sexy cat just part of my man

i literally listened to that yesterday

yesterday i listened to sexy can i by

raging ray j the classic

oh no

let me go and get my camera

because girl how you shake it

it's a kodak for me anyway

i'm so sorry so then

um

they start talking more and she

talks a little bit about her

friends and her life from before

um she was supporting herself

making clothing and costumes for people

and making her rave dancing videos

and

um talks about her mom a little bit

and she's like do you have parents thrax

and he's like i had a

[Music]

creator or something i don't remember

the word he used he's like i killed him

and ate him

and she's like

yeah because scorpion cannibalism is a

so yeah so he

he tells her that he kills his parent

and ate them and she's like jesus christ

she's like um

[Music]

what

is happening right now she's like for

all the times that my mother pissed me

off the thoughts of killing her and

eating her never

occurred to me you know that one just

never was on my to-do list no never

crossed my mind really

so

um

then

the scientists send in

pray

as

thrax calls them

um

i guess to test him so they send in four

aliens to try to attack him

he stashes her in

a bathroom that is immediately off of

his habitat

and he calls it

the the bright room or something it's

like the only space that has

a light

that's not

the fake sky

i don't know

so she's hiding in the bathroom we

switched to thrax's point of view

um he is trying to protect her he

realizes that they can

smell her

and these aliens have like spikes on

their back and scales all over their

body

and he's familiar with them and his

translator can translate their

language and so

he can hear them talking about like he's

over there like stay on my left and

whatever

so he's trying to protect her

he realizes that one of them

has scented claire and is getting closer

to

the bathroom where she's hiding

and

so he tries to protect her

he kills one of the aliens but he fails

at killing the others and is hit by

their venom from their spikes

and so he my notes literally say thrax

fights four aliens to protect claire

fails

that's all it says

so um

claire then one of the aliens opens the

bat the door to the bathroom where she's

hiding she can see thrax

fighting sees him go down she freaks out

and so she tries to protect thrax

and my notes say claire tries to protect

thrax also fails

[Laughter]

she's unsuccessful

um and in the book she's like this was

not my

wisest but like he's supposed to be a

super soldier

yeah but he's distracted by claire

aren't they all

right apparently because they can all

center so yes so this is one of those

situations where like because it's her

mate she smells like particularly nice

to him or is this one where like

everyone is just like

that aroused by her no it's because he

she's his mate okay yeah but she does

smell good or smells at least

different as a human so they're like

what's left that's kind of nice

okay fair enough so

then one of the the researchers send in

the robot things um to like break up the

fight because obviously they put a lot

of time and energy into thrax and so

they don't want him to be killed so

they're like this was a test and he

failed but we don't want him killed

because we still need him exactly and

they're like we don't want anything bad

to happen to claire because we need him

to bang her so we can have their babies

so

one of the spiky aliens

grabs claire and hides her from the

droids as they're fighting

and hands her this scrap of paper

and he's trying to communicate with her

but she has no idea what he's saying but

he does protect her essentially and

gives her this piece of paper and she's

like i don't know what this is but okay

so the robots come out they take out the

prey

um thorax wakes up so because of his

body chemistry i don't know

he's able to break down

venoms and poisons and things like that

so he breaks down whatever

venom is in the

the spiky alien spikes and

wakes up

and he

um takes one of the robot arms because

it lights up when

they

need it to to show them which direction

to go

and so he

essentially busts out of his habitat

takes clair with him and they wind up in

these sewer tunnels that are like

underneath the

research facility

and the way that i'm imagining it it's

like an underground river or something

because there are a lot of

eels

in the water

and it smells really bad

do eels smell really bad or just because

it's underground or it's just like a

sewer thing i don't know i really i

it smells bad and they're evil i feel

like this is yet another situation where

i'm like i have a lot of questions and

i'm not going to get

any answers on this journey not a single

one like i want to know where the [ __ ]

these eels came from like this is a

manufactured

waterway apparently so where are these

eels from whatever

so florida

so fun fact

one of my co-workers

who i often enjoy

razzing and bantering with

we

i told him that he was really dramatic

and he was like what and i was like yes

you are and so is brandon and so is my

dog

so i was like yeah you are super

dramatic and he's like no

and then he goes hold up hold up hold up

he's from south georgia he's like now

if you had to choose one word

to describe me

what word would you choose

and i was like you just proved my point

that you're [ __ ] dramatic but i was

like i would say

multifaceted

[Laughter]

[Music]

and he was like i don't like that i

don't like that at all because i

consider myself a very simple person i'm

a very simple man and i was like okay

what word would you choose to describe

me well well i'm also kind of like okay

so what word did you want us to choose

for you is really the question at play

so i was like okay but what word would

you use to describe me and he goes you

have one guess and for the last three

weeks or so since he found out that i'm

originally from florida he's just

constantly like as a floridian and asks

me a stupid question

so he's like you have one guess

about what word i would choose

and i was like is it florida and he goes

yes and i was like i have now lived out

of the state of florida longer than i

lived in it and he goes it doesn't

matter you could take the florida out of

the girl or the girl out of florida but

you could never take the floor all right

well [ __ ] this guy

i am not a fan

um

i mean here's the thing

and i mean this is the highest

compliment i can mean it and i think

you'll take it as such when i met you

hannah i never would have guessed you

were from florida

and i can only hope when you met me you

thought the same right correct i would

not have guessed that no no like you

would have been like [ __ ] she's sending

off some real panhandle energy right now

oh no

like this [ __ ] just screams tampa like

no

damn if i were going to scream a place

it would be tampa

oh [ __ ] i hate it so much like

oh [ __ ] you don't though thank you i

really appreciate that and that's also

no offense

to everyone i love who still lives in

tampa you're all wonderful magical

beautiful people

um and i'm from central florida which

arguably is worse

yes i mean no part of it is good

i'm not gonna show you i'm not gonna

give you accolades i'm not gonna say

it's not as bad it's worse

yeah at least i grew up coastal

yeah you did

and now all i can think of is the a day

to remember song the city of ocala

i have friends who still live in hocala

and i have friends that made it out of

ocala and have said i can't wait to get

married and have children so i can

settle back down

in ocala no no no no

or the other a day to remember song

because they are nothing if not hometown

boys

um all signs point to fort lauderdale

right i hate this town

it's so washed up

and all my friends are so [ __ ] up

that is real life

yeah i also listened to that song

yesterday my playlist was a mess

what playlist were you listening to i

just shuffled my [ __ ] oh i was gonna say

was that a daily mix because i feel like

well so here's the problem and

i need to tweet at spotify about this

and hope i can get some traction

um the problem with spotify is i will

frequently put music on that i'm like

this is great just like a background

while i'm listening

or like while i'm reading my book and i

want some background like piano music or

something super instrumental right

but it's also not something that i would

be like oh

this is in my repertoire of music that

like i enjoy

and i gotta tell you

my

like

2021 year end recap

was the hottest of messes because i was

like why is this so sad and dramatic and

just like instrumental piano and i

realized i'm like oh because it came off

of my like reading music playlist yeah

so it would go between like

i don't know

d smoke or

the new

i don't know there was a lot of music

that dropped last year like chica or d

smoke or someone like that to like this

like really sad piano music

and then i'm like this is not a playlist

i want to listen to so i wouldn't want

to listen to my like year-end recap so

what i would really love is if spotify

could create

like a work mode

so that way it would exclude like oh if

i turn this on then i can listen to this

and like you won't put this in chelsea's

frequently listened to right

it's a huge first world problem i

recognize that this does not matter no

at all

so

i would love for it to happen but if it

doesn't

i'm not going to complain because the

world has enough that's actually going

on but i don't need to pretend like this

is an issue

fair enough

hey there's my puppies

we'll get you right back to the show in

just a moment

but first

do you like us

maybe even

love us

cause we sure love you

and if you do love us

don't tease us

tell us in those ratings and reviews

wherever you're listening right now

maybe even send us over to a special

sexy someone that would enjoy getting

smutty with us

because you know the first rule of smug

club

is to talk about smut club

alright

i won't keep you any longer

let's get back to the show

honestly i don't even remember

where we were at we were shooting

so thrax catches some of the eels and

eats them and his face

like splits apart

wait what

like oh this seam in his face that she

had felt yes

yeah like splits apart and like that's

how he eats

yes his real mouth is underneath it and

she's like i am going to vomit so wait

like

in my head he had a human face like he

had he was dwayne the rock johnson on a

scorpion body and then when he ate the

eels he had an eel face underneath

dwayne the rock johnson basically yeah

so he has like a scorpion face

underneath his his humanoid face okay i

was right and so it splits apart so that

he can eat and she's like

holy

what no that is a completely

valid reaction yeah she's like i was

ready to ride that and now i'm concerned

and i was like now we're concerned

now this was the turning point for you

girl

respect yourself

now

okay whatever

so she's freaking out we then switch to

clear thrax's point of view he does not

understand why she's freaking out he's

very concerned that she's not eating

he's trying to feed her

this eel and she's like i am not into

raw seafood

thank you though

i'm good

and she's like i

uh

i can go a little while without eating

and like pat's her tummy and he's like

you'll wither if you don't eat and she's

like i could i could do with some

withering and he's like

no

no

you could not like so what i hear a

saying is like she's like every female

character and all of these books where

she's like i'm a little overweight i

have a few extra pounds i'd like to lose

and the dude's like

i want to rail her into next week

and she's like if only i

were three pounds lighter yeah okay it's

like those soft curves drive me mad but

he doesn't know

human things about the soft curves he

just knows that he's into that girl

this is the time to take advantage of

the situation well hold please oh no now

i'm nervous

i should never i think every comment i

make in this book i i speak too soon i

don't need to just shut my mouth so

thrax is like i have to find a way to

feed her and he can create as previously

stated all these different like venoms

and things like that and he's like i

could make her

food

right

that she could take essentially from my

body

and here i'm thinking like from your

stingers

because

when

they were

making out in the habitat i forgot to

mention

she um was kind of feeling him up a

little bit and he's like do not touch me

there and she's like whoa what sorry

sorry

um because he has these plates

that activate his stingers um

yeah you should avoid those yes and

apparently he can create different kinds

of venom and one of the kinds

is for

pleasure and she's like why

would you have that pleasure venom yeah

and he's like also in my head venom

assumes poison

well and i think i'm wrong on that i

mean it is kind of because he's like

well sometimes i want to keep my food

fresh and it's easier if they're

compliant so this feels really good so

they'll stick around and she's like

i'm also feeling like what the [ __ ]

i actually have wtf in my notes so

well

now i'm just wondering about like

never mind i was gonna go in on a

secretion of tangent but we can avoid

that yeah well then he goes on in his

mind thinking about how he can create

this

food

irrationalness protein shake yes

and he's like it can come from

essentially

the the um

what the soft meats gave me right so he

did not previously have a penis so he is

referring to his penis and i'm like

food via

bj so

she

he so he will ejaculate

his erogenous protein shake yes for her

yes what a giver

so thoughtful

so

she

so

he's like you need to rest you know

you're you're softer than me like you

need to rest and so

they hold up basically in this little

alcove in the sewer she falls asleep she

wakes up

um and

he is like you have to eat something and

so he offers her the eel again and she's

like

i would sooner take a bite out of you

then eat that and he's like funny you

should be

he's like funny you should mention that

he's like i made a gift for you and

she's like a what a gift a gift

she's like you did a what

he's like i made a gift for you

and she's like okay

and so he removes his groin plate

i hate this book

oh god why susan why

yeah so he removes his groin plate

and apparently he has a

slit in which i hate that word i hate

the word slit it's like

like moist and slit are just up there

you know what i mean especially together

yeah no i hate it

so

she he removes his groin plate and she's

like okay because an alien penis pops

out of this

slit

and he has a weird dick there's a lot of

description of some kind of weird like

i mean did she think it would look human

i don't know what she thought but

there's some kind of like weird cilia

like little things on the end and

it's really weird

and she's like it looks like there's

pre-cum on the end and he like collects

it on his finger and puts it in her

mouth and she's like that's the most

delicious thing that i have ever

experienced i hate everything about this

it gets worse so she

provides a nutritional bj

and again it is the best thing that she

has ever tasted

and she gets so turned on by this that

she's like did you drug me like what the

[ __ ] is happening does he say yes i did

drug you he's like what are you talking

about

but i thought

there was an irrationalist aspect to it

apparently because then they bang so

it's a standing up situation

he

picks her up and she

mounts

and

he is super still and she's like do you

not need to to like thrust

well first he tells her to stop with the

bj he's like you have to stop or i'm

gonna spill my seed

because he's already given her the gift

that he made

oh the gift wasn't his seed that was in

addition to no

she even says like i've heard that line

before about how it's like a complete

nutritional supplement

and he's like what and she's like don't

worry about it so no i remember having

this conversation with some co-workers

when i lived in nashville oh no and

we're talking about like yeah when

people are like there's protein in there

and my co-worker

was like yeah you know my husband tried

that line on me i told him to put it in

my smoothie and i drink it every morning

that's excellent and i really respected

her hustle on that one i'm like good for

you

that is essentially what's happening

only she's getting the smoothie from the

source

i hate this so much

but i know we are happy to do this i did

tell you to do it and i'm honestly so

glad you are because now i don't i'm not

gonna read this one i would not

recommend

so

they bang and she's like do you not need

to thrust and he's like no i can release

my seed whenever you want me to but i

want to provide you pleasure and she's

like okay well you're i need you to

thrust yeah so he does and she's like no

no no no no no

too far

[Laughter]

so she's like coaching him on how to do

everything and then

she's like that's amazing i mean this is

gonna sound really silly but i kind of

appreciate that that it wasn't as though

they just like hopped in and like what

is clearly an outlandish plot line and

they're like

and we just jumped in and had the most

amazing sex like honestly the best thing

that's ever happened i appreciate that

they're like

it took a while to figure out the

anatomical differences we were bringing

to the table he had a little too much to

give

so

they bang she comes he comes it's all

great well so she comes and then she's

like you can release your seed now and

he's like okay

so then

was he that unenthused

no he was super into it oh okay he was

like i did not know that it would feel

like this and when she

when he gave her his gift

she was like he was like holy [ __ ] like

i did not know

this was gonna feel like a game changer

i'm into that

so

then they make their way down these

tunnels he says that he knows of um

uh something

[Music]

that will take them to the sky and she's

like

a spaceship and he's like no

she's like an elevator and he's like yes

and she's like cool

let's go do that

like let's go get the [ __ ] out of here

so it that's where the robot arm that he

took comes into play so he's using it to

find this elevator

so eventually they find um

some a sign that he translates as saying

like custodial quarters

and they find several bodies in this

room

and he's like i mean i can clear out the

bodies and we can stay here

and she's like

no thank you let's keep looking

so they do and then they eventually find

like the lead custodian quarters and

there's a bed and a couch and stuff and

so

she cleans it up he is continuing to eat

these eels so that he can make her

supplements

and there is such a giver we we're

loving thrax's altruistic she's here to

provide for his mate you know

um so again thank you brandon brandon

agrees on our assessment about threats

my notes just say more slurp in the

gherkin

so

there are more nutritional bj's

provided was that all right i have to

ask was slurping the gherkin your

terminology or was that yeah no it

wasn't in the book that was just mine

and i'm really sorry for it

so

never apologize for that

i mean unless it's your mother-in-law

listening to this episode and then i am

also sorry

listen dina if you've made it to this

episode you already got through the

morning glory one with all of the

hand-drawn euphemisms so i feel like you

jerking like slurping the gherkins

probably like one of the least

horrifying things very valid i've heard

thus far so

um she is super into the fact that he

just comes on command because she can

just ride it as long as she wants until

she comes

and apparently he does this vibrating

thing when he's turned on and so

um my notes say vibrating doodle

again

those words were not used in the book

slurping the gherkin and vibrating

doodle were not

mentioned

in the book the scorpions mate yeah they

were just mentioned by hannah on smut

club when referencing the book

because honestly

there are just only so many ways to say

[ __ ] until it's like jesus christ and

you're like no we get it

it's still happening

it is a lot

well how else is she going

to keep her curves exactly and

apparently it's also enough hydration

like she doesn't need to drink water she

doesn't need to like do anything except

for

he has a magic semen

yeah

or rather magic pre-cum because he can

still ejaculate yeah i don't want to

overthink this but i'm already there so

i apologize to everyone i'm so sorry

so then

um she decides that she wants to see his

real mouth which previously had freaked

her out and he knew that it freaked her

out and so he's like no

you won't like me anymore if you see it

and she's like no i do really like you

and i want to know all the parts of you

which i'm like are you not familiar

enough with his vibrating penis that we

need to see that

so

i just have she asked to see his real

mouth wtf page 181. because it's just so

much and actually oh my god hold up hold

up hold up

i just remembered i had a note

from

the um

uh the nutritional bj that apparently i

felt was important enough and i just

remembered that i had made this note so

hold on let me pull it up

okay okay

so this is when he's deciding how he's

going to provide her nutrition

it says

there was another way that i could feed

her producing nutrients within my own

body to replenish the ones that she

required i had no problem eating

whatever was available and could

translate the extra flesh into nutrition

for her i could then give it to her the

same way i would give her my seed my

groin plate pulsed at the idea imagining

her lips closed

closing around that part of me made me

nearly frantic with need

honestly hannah

i could have survived without that

direct quote

you couldn't

if i had to know it you had to know it

and i i'm gonna do you a favor and not

pull up page 181 where she describes his

mouth no he's doing this do it read his

mouth now we're here

okay i guess his scorpion mouth not his

humanoid mouth right yeah okay

mouth just wanted to make sure i had his

mouth type right

so

um he's he continues to refer to anyone

that is not claire as soft meets and

she's like that has to stop

okay

that's weird and gross

and so she's constantly reminding him

not to say that humans are not soft meat

i mean we are but we just don't like the

terminology no we're not into that so he

calls them the soft ones

so

um he does open his plates for her

um

and so she watches they're like

essentially plates that move and she

asks a lot of questions about how

they're attached and blah blah blah and

he's like

my mandibles retract

um pulling back the plates

and this is new he was not originally

like this when he was genetically

modified they did this and so she's like

does it hurt

and he's like when it did at first it

did but not anymore

and then um

she says like will you open will you

open it for me

um

and so

again he's like you won't like it you

won't like me anymore and she's like no

please let me see

and so he does

and then

his it says

his lower fla his lower face split in

half spreading and pulling back to

reveal his true mouth

and so then she's freaking out

and she is trying to not

show disgust

and it says his palate had a split into

falling back against his mandible plates

revealing the soft pink flesh of his

inner mouth where his tongue lay thick

and long against his lower plate and as

i watched the two

things that i can't pronounce

cholesterol

protruded

from inside his throat their claws

their claw edges serrated and sharp as

sharks teeth

what imagery

we

have

wow

okay what happens next i think we just

like we gotta

yeah we'll just move on

so

um

uh she's like i

like it anyway and kisses his weird

mouth

and he's like cool

and then she tells him that he has got

to slow down on the sex because he's

like into it all the time and she's like

please stop and he's like you don't you

don't want me anymore and she's like no

i'm i'm just sore jesus christ like it's

like i just legitimately need time to

recover before we go again

okay

so she's like i'm only human

he's like i don't get it i can smell

your arousal and she's like i want you

all the time but that doesn't mean i can

[ __ ] you all the time like

simmer down

and she feels like she's very practical

for a human who's been abducted

she is she really is so um

he's like okay so one thing that if i'm

gonna give credit anywhere in here i

will give credit to thrax because when

she says things like that he's like

okay like once she explains he's like

all right whatever it takes to make you

happy i can do that and so he slows down

it's all good

and then she decides she wants to

venture out of what they call their nest

which is these custodial quarters that

she cleaned up and she

like found a jumpsuit that she altered

to fit herself so she would have

something to wear and things like that

because lest we forget she is a clothing

designer

and also a rave dancer and so

she decides finally to venture out of

the nest and go with him while he is

fishing for these eels

and while they're out there she's

looking in the water and she sees a face

in oh

the sewer tunnel and so she is like what

the [ __ ] and he's like i don't sense

anything except for the eels because he

has these heightened senses and he's

like i don't sense anything and she's

like you think i'm lying to you and he's

like no i don't think you're lying i

just don't sense anything

and then

a tentacled creature pops out of the

sewer

and grabs thrax and pulls him into the

sewer

oh [ __ ]

plot twist

octopus

yeah

you know what's really sad about this oh

no like really sad about this whole

thing

is this book

has more plot than most of the books

that we have reviewed oh i hate

everything about that but you are also

not wrong

so i mean it's not a good plot but it is

there what do you mean it's a great plot

thrax was just abducted by an octopus

after he was abducted

by

some scientists and turned into a super

soldier yeah

so in their discussion of empathy and

all these different things as they're

getting to know each other claire had

encouraged him to consider making

friends and he's like what the [ __ ] is a

friend and she's like okay if you're not

into friends at least make allies like

people that can help when you're in

trouble and he's like i can take care of

myself and she's like just try to make a

[ __ ] ally dude like calm down

so

turns out this tentacled creature takes

him to another alcove area and he starts

talking to

this thing

and it turns out that this is another

experiment that had escaped from the lab

and his name is neiman

and so um thrash is his last name marcus

no but it'd be a lot cooler if it were

you're right

so i don't think he has last name so

um

thorax is talking to neiman and he's

like you have to take me back to my mate

and he's like why would i do that i've

been down here for years and i'm super

lonely

be my friend which i think of him as

like old greg

you know like he kidnapped somebody and

he's like

you want to see something cool

like

why are you like this so weird

so

thrax does eventually take talk him into

taking him back to claire

and they agree to be allies and the guy

the neiman guy is a loose term here

neiman is like why would i do that

and he's like well

i have a mate and she's pretty amazing

and i have to get back to her and

neiman's like if you have a mate do i

have a mate and he's like

off i'll find you one i don't know maybe

bro let's introduce you to some hoes

yeah he's like i'll i'll find you a mate

let's go he's like as long as you let me

go back to my mate i will find you a

mate as well exactly

um neiman does have a book that i've

also read and continue to deeply regret

so

are we gonna review that one at some

point i don't know if i can do it oh

it's that bad

i mean none of it is good

so

so

thrax promises neiman a mate and he

agrees to take him back um and uh talks

neiman into assisting with their escape

so neiman it turns out

is like a super genius because obviously

octopi are super geniuses

and so he is able to like tap into the

computer network that keeps all the cell

doors closed

um

so

claire has been recaptured she believes

that thrax is dead like she's pretty

certain that thrax is dead

um alien is like oh well that really

sucks we'll just mate you to somebody

else

you're not pregnant oh she did get her

period at one point while they were in

the

nest

whatever

um and she's kind of relieved because

she does not want these scientists to

take her baby

so then

um ilian says they'll just mate her to

somebody else

if thrax is dead

and um

that she is not pregnant and part of the

reason why is because apparently she had

some kind of like

blockage or issue or something that they

have now resolved

so you didn't consider potential

infertility issues

well so that's part of it where he's

like it was missed in your initial exam

and he's like super salty because

apparently one of his underlings [ __ ]

up

um and they knew where claire and thrax

were the entire time they were just

hoping that she would return preggers

they were waiting for him to leave her

alone so they could take her back and

see if she was pregnant

so then

thrax gets back to the nest and he flips

the [ __ ] out because claire is gone

um and he that scrap of paper that the

spiky alien gave claire she kept it that

whole time and so he picks it up because

it smells like her and decides to take

it with him

um

and neiman is like let's do this [ __ ]

let's get the [ __ ] out of here i [ __ ]

with neyman i mean uh of the two

nieman is my

preference i don't know if president is

the woman

feels like

um

okay what was the nick cage movie

national treasure yeah like justin

bartha the sidekick like that's how i'm

imagining neiman it's just justin bartha

a national treasure kind of yes okay um

so neiman is like bet let's do this [ __ ]

you promised me a mate

let's do it

so ilian

explains to her that explains to claire

so we've switched back to claire's point

of view alien explains to claire oh i

forgot it also turns out that neiman is

the one that killed all of the

custodians that they found in the

tunnels

he was like i tried to talk to them and

like be friends with them and they tried

to kill me so i killed them neyman i

know

he's so misunderstood he really is so

um

claire in talking to ilyan finds out

that it is aliens dna that was used to

modify

thrax oh

he used his own dna for that and also

she learns at some point i don't really

remember when but at some point she

learns

that the this race of aliens the erode

erudians i've not used that word because

it's not really relevant but this race

of aliens essentially

um the males have this what they

consider defect where

if they

scent their mate they become obsessed

and the women do not experience anything

that is reciprocated

and so which is like

so the men avoid women or the females of

their species at all costs essentially

because they don't want to become like

obsessed with someone

um and so who doesn't reciprocate

exactly and they have tried to

um

breed this out of themselves and tried

to like genetically modify it out of

themselves they've been unsuccessful in

that

so claire learns all of this as alien is

talking to her

um and then

new chapter

claire is sitting in a cell again she's

been captured she believes sax is dead

so she's mourning his loss

and then all the cell doors open and

she's like what

and like all the lights go out

it's super creepy

so she like pokes her head out in the

hallway she's like hello

and she finds some other humans like

three other humans that have also been

abducted what a nice surprise i know

one of them is super traumatized like

she has clearly been

really significantly tortured and she's

having a hard time um but they try to

protect her they're trying to like move

to figure out what the hell is going on

and how to get out so then um thrax and

neyman find

them

um and they're fighting all of these

robots or whatever to get out

um and neiman

picks up the

woman who is super traumatized and like

pulls her into his tentacles so they

can't see her anymore and the other

humans are like holy [ __ ] he ate her

and he's like please mind your business

i'm protecting her thank you

um i love neiman so much right now i

know it just seems so pure i should have

just reviewed his book instead of all

this [ __ ] so then

they're working on escaping and they

find like a door to the outside but they

are having trouble getting it open

neiman is working on it but it's like

they're having a hard time

so then

alien's voice comes over the intercom

and he's like

um

the

my bosses essentially are going to

nuke the [ __ ] out of this lab

because we've lost control of the

subjects like they're on their way to

blow it up

um i'm the only one who can open that

door to get out

and so claire is like um excuse me

and he's like i need to talk to claire

and she's like excuse me

anthrax is like hard no you're not going

to be alone in a room with him thanks

i support riax's decision well claire

does not so she slips into the room

where ilian is and he seals the door and

as soon as she steps in he like takes a

big breath and he's like oh my god

you're my mate

and she's like

excuse me

and he's like it was my dna

yup it was my dna that modified thrax so

i should have known

that it was going to be you

that's why we've never been in the same

room

with any of the subjects because we can

imprint essentially on any species and

so

that's why i've never been in the room

with any of our subjects because i

didn't want this to happen

and she's like well

i'm your mate do you want me to die

because if you don't open that door

we're all gonna die

and thrax is like banging on the door

trying to get it open

and she's like we're all gonna die

unless you open that [ __ ] door and

he's like

i'm gonna stay here i'm gonna open the

door i want you to escape it's enough

for me to know that my mate is safe and

she's like you literally electrocuted me

you dumb [ __ ]

he's like i'm really not into you yeah

but if that's what i need to say to get

the [ __ ] out of here i will yeah so

he is like

bet

opens the door to like the control room

lets her out

they hear the door the outer door open

and then they hear a big bang and it is

assumed that alien kills himself after

he frees her

um

so then

they the door opens and there are a lot

of spiky aliens wearing armor outside

the door

and they're like oh [ __ ]

so they are then taken onto the spiky

alien ship

yeah

and that scrap of paper

turns out to be really important because

on the scrap of paper are a list of

names and they are the names of the um

soldiers that were essentially prisons

prisoners of war

of this alien race

and so when claire gives them the paper

they're like we are forever in debt to

you because you told us

where our men were our people yeah who

they were and even though they're not

alive anymore man this book has so many

twists and turns i just know so many

coming so many they're like we're

forever in debt to you um we have the

ability to take you home

and she's like

home you say

and thrax is like listen if we have to

go back to earth like i guess i'll go

with you

i can just like live

how the [ __ ] is thrax gonna survive on

earth does he have legs for pants

he does

but

the rest of him under a giant scorpion's

like under his genital plates she has

like super pan

yes and so

she is like i mean honestly i could

parade him down the street and i would

just get awards for best cosplay like

nobody would believe that i have an

alien living with me

but also i don't want thrax to live that

way and i don't want potentially like

the government or somebody to come take

him from me

so

no i'm not going home i'm choosing to

leave my friends and family and my

career as a

clothing designer and rave dancer

behind

so the other offer from the spiky aliens

is to settle in one of their colonies

and

um thrax and claire are like that sounds

great and so they make a home

thrax starts farming he doesn't realize

that he's farming

but he like captures prey and breeds

them and keeps them alive like he

provides them care

until he's ready to eat them and she's

like you are a farmer and he's like i

don't know what you're saying to me but

okay

she's like it doesn't matter what i'm

saying to you because you're still a

farmer yeah okay and she also some of

the like creatures on this planet she

decides are her pets and he's like what

and she's like you can't eat these ones

and he's like why and she's like because

they're my they're mine and he's like oh

okay i

like does not compute i don't understand

okay but whatever makes you happy this

sounds a lot like my roommate in grad

school

because

my roommate in grad school married a

popcorn farmer from nebraska stop and

while that popcorn farming is a thing

yeah girl i guess you're just a corn

farmer

i was gonna say i didn't realize it was

a special kind of corn no they like

his family if i'm remembering correctly

like actually like you could get like

their family like popcorn brand i could

be misremembering this honestly i don't

i don't fully remember but i do remember

walking into our apartment one day and

my roommate being like chelsea we like

they were engaged at the time and she

was like we have pet cows now and he's

like baby i've told you they are not

pets they will be slaughtered for food

and it's best if you don't name them and

get attached to them

and she's like we have pet cows and he's

like we do not have pet cows we have

food food

very similar situation yes but thrax is

like whatever makes you happy baby like

i don't know if i can know so

um does thrax have a back i mean yes he

has a scorpion back but i'm not going to

dispute that with the story but i'm like

it really seems like he's like whatever

you want claire

basically like he just wants to make her

happy ultimately

and so he does work on his empathy

he and threat he and neiman do wind up

becoming friends

neiman does find a mate who also lives

in this new colony but that comes in the

second book but it is mentioned in the

epilogue

so

um in the epilogue thrax is like claire

has been really weird lately like i feel

like everything i do makes her mad i

don't understand

and she's hungry all the time and

i don't and i can only give her so many

nutritional blow jobs

right so he walks in from hunting

and she has all these rules about what

he is and isn't allowed to eat right

and so he because some things are pets

and so he walks

home and she he walks in the door and

she's like thank [ __ ] you're home with

food thank you and she like takes it and

starts to cook it which he also doesn't

understand he's like why would you

scorch that

like just eat it

um

but she's like why don't you ever eat

with me and he's like you don't like it

when i eat in front of you you feel like

it's too messy

and she's like we never spend any time

together and she's like crying so what i

hear are saying is she's pregnant yeah

yeah yeah so

then she's like i'm just hungry all the

time and she like her stomach rumbles

and she's like feel that and like takes

his one of his clasper hands i didn't

mention that before because it didn't

feel necessary but it does now she takes

one of his clasper hands and puts it on

her belly and she's like feel that and

he's like i did feel a fluttering and

she's he's like what is that

and she's like

that's our baby my love and he says as

the humans would say oh [ __ ]

is that how the book ends no it flashes

forward to claire after she delivers the

baby in some kind of medical facility

that the spiky aliens have on their

colony

and the baby has four arms

and

but is soft like her doesn't have any

baby yeah with forearms it doesn't have

any plates but they don't know if she

will potentially the baby's a girl they

don't know if the baby will eventually

develop plates or like what's gonna

happen

um

but

thrax

says so so in thrax's experience

the young slaughter the parents for

territory and so he was initially like

big yikes but then he's like oh well

this

this offspring is part of claire and so

i will treasure it the same way i

treasure claire

and so he's very happy and that's the

end of the book

so like if we were to do a really short

summary of this book

claire

goes camping

gets abducted yep finds her mate yep

they make it out of the facility yep and

make

a hybrid child yeah the end yeah

so what's our rating scale for this book

[ __ ] protein shakes

oh i hate that we both thought of it

i'm gonna say

like

[Music]

two out of five protein shakes

yeah i'm not gonna go against you

on that

but are they like [ __ ] protein shakes

or just normal protein shakes because

that's a difference at this point

it doesn't

okay so like two out of five no matter

what kind of shake it's still gonna stay

two out of five at this point nothing

matters

i think i just slammed my notebook you

really did

play dramatic fashion

um yeah so two out of five

[ __ ] protein shakes i think is

appropriate

um

i mean it feels generous but honestly i

feel like

one and a half of those stars are for

neyman

like neiman is really the show stopper

of this world that's not even his book

now i feel like i have to review

neiman's book

only if you want to

and maybe with more wine

no

you're like i really and here's the

thing if you're like i can't bring

myself to do that i don't fault you

thank you

so maybe

much like j.s scott's books will be

reviewed in the future we will come back

to neiman's book in the future yeah

we'll take a break from susan thank you

honey

for your effort so

two out of five protein

blow job shakes do without what you will

and potentially nothing at all and

potentially nothing at all so

it sounds as though hannah read that one

so none of us have to and we really

thank you for your service

because i don't i don't think i'm gonna

pick that one up after this but i'm glad

that i know what happened yeah so i can

still have an educated book club

conversation about i mean i do

appreciate that because this is often a

thankless job so i appreciate you

recognizing the sacrifice

that's been made

thank you all for joining us

we're so glad you're here

and we can't wait to see you next time

have a good night thanks y'all

next week on smut club oh no i just

remember

when milisha was on punkt

and she did not handle that

no she didn't

no she that was not a good look on her

like some people like i feel like punk

was really the make or break like are

they gonna take it in stride or are they

gonna show out she showed

she really did

well that's it for this week's mud [ __ ]

we hope it was good for you

because it sure was great for us

if you're digging what we're doing it

would mean a lot if you take a minute to

rate and review the show wherever you're

listening right now

maybe tell that sexy someone to let us

in here

we love you

we appreciate you

and we'll see you next week

stay spotty

[Music]

you