Smut Club

Well, hello all you beautiful people.

You know what time it is.

Ladies and gents, guys and dolls and

everyone in between.

Gather around. Get you something real

nice to sip on and comfy to slip on.

Cuz it's time for Smite Club. Here's

your hosts, Chelsea and Hannah.

Announcement time. Um, so we have been

doing this podcast for several years

now. Um, we launched in 2022 and we've

built such a wonderful community over

these last several years and are looking

for new ways to kind of expand and be

able to connect more deeply. So, the

first one of those ways that we've been

talking about is life coaching. um which

is a chance to work one-on-one

individually to help make life feel a

little less sticky. Um spots will be

limited as we launch that. So if you're

interested, we will have a link in our

show notes and in our Insta bio. So

definitely go and join the wait list so

that as soon as we launch, you are first

in line to grab a spot. And if life

coaching really doesn't feel like a good

fit or not quite your jam, but you're

still interested in connecting and

engaging more with our community, we are

also looking into launching a book club.

So, if you're interested in that option,

follow the same link and uh you can get

on the wait list for that as well. And

now back to the show.

Hey everybody and welcome to Smut Club's

hundth episode.

I'm Hannah.

And I'm Chelsea. And it's our hundth

episode.

Yay. Welcome.

And it's Christmas. This really actually

wasn't planned at all.

It wasn't. It just happened this way.

Happy coincidence.

And we realized it not that long ago

because we have not planned ahead.

However, if somehow this is your first

time finding us in our hundth episode,

this is the podcast where we are two

licensed therapists and life coaches who

sometimes daydrink, sometimes don't, and

review smut of varying calibers that we

do.

Yeah. Today

I'm getting a little crazy for our 100th

episode. Crazy.

So, we're doing

three novellas that make a complete

series. So, to be fair, we have read

individual like reviewed individual

books that are like much longer than all

three, but we are doing

SJ Till's Bite series. So, you've got

Okay, let me I'm not going to check my

notes. I'm just going to try and

remember this off the rip. Got it.

We're 100 episodes in. We should be able

to do this.

We can do this.

[ __ ]

Okay, we've got Second Bite, we've got

Snowed in Bite, and then we've got New

Year's Eve bite, I believe, are the

three bites of the Bite series.

So, the first book is Second Bite.

Mhm.

All right.

Not first bite, but I see where the

confusion is coming from.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yes.

So,

thank you, SJ Tilly, for this fun winter

novella series. We're going to open with

Alice. Alice is like a home baker who is

a contestant on Second Bites holiday

special. So, Second Bite is a baking

reality competition show.

Fun. Love those.

Yes. Um, Mike, chef Mike Casso is one of

like the two standing judges. And it

seems as though most of like the

standard season, it's standard filming,

but because this is the holiday special,

it's all being aired live.

Hate it.

Oh, that's like a special kind of fear.

Oh, yeah. Just immediate anxiety. Like,

no. Nope. Hate it.

Here's the thing. I have

a cookie recipe that I have mastered. I

make that like it is the one cookie

recipe that is like my tried andrue.

I've had people like and it is a

gluten-free chocolate chip cookie

recipe. I've had people with celiac ask

if there's gluten in them because I have

mastered my gluten-free cookies at that

level. And probably one out of every

four to five batches I [ __ ] up

100%.

And I'm like and I don't know what I'm

doing wrong cuz I'm like it's it's the I

make them the exact same way. Yep. every

single time. And so I'm like, "Oh, I I

could not."

Yeah. I don't think I could. I bake a

lot.

Yes.

But like I don't know. I I have a

brownie recipe that I make the same

every time. I have even gotten a little

crazy with it and added like orange zest

to make chocolate orange and like done

different flavors and stuff.

You know that chocolate orange was our

wedding cake flavor?

I did not. But I love that. It's so

good.

It really is.

It's really delicious. But like this

brownie recipe, I can recite it to you

from memory right now.

Yes.

And yet every now and again I will pull

them out and what do you know? They're

not baked in the middle. Don't know it

until you start cutting into them.

And they look d like for all intents and

purposes you're like this looks like it

looks every other time I make it or with

my cookies sometimes it doesn't cuz I

open the oven I'm like oh no that did

not. So, I I struggle with cookies cuz

I'll open the oven and they're it's like

one cookie now. I'm like, "What the

fuck?"

You're like, "Yes, I did mean to make a

cookie cake with individual divots to

show individual slices. This was my plan

all along."

This summer, I did a lemon blondies

recipe that was very popular. Like a

brown butter. Lemon blondies.

Oh, brown butter as well.

So good. They were really good. But a

couple of times they did not work.

Feel free to bring those noted

sometime. Yeah, you know me. I'm a [ __ ]

for lemon.

I do know that.

Yeah,

I'd say hate it for me, but I don't. I

love it for me.

Lemon is fantastic.

Yes, I'm absolutely willing to be a [ __ ]

for lemon. So, Second Bite got its name

because it seems as though chef Mike

Kesso had like been on the judging

circuit and on one show at one point he

like pic he picked his fork back up

after like the tasting for a second

bite.

And so I was like, "Oh my gosh." She

like went back for a second bite and

he's like, "But it's a bit of a misnomer

cuz I frequently like take multiple

bites, but it's just if my fork is down

and I pick it back up." Woo. That is

like

That's his version of like a Hollywood

handshake on Great British Baking Show.

Yes.

Okay.

Yes.

Okay.

Um,

so this is really the like Second Bite

is his show that like was named because

he was going to be like the star judge

on it. Okay,

Alice has had a huge crush on Chef Mike

Cesso forever and is like very much like

in love with him, but it's also funny

cuz they're like introducing her and

they're like, "And Alice works in it."

And she's like, "Literally, no." She's

like, "Is that what my cousin submitted

when they like put in my application?"

She's like, "Bitch, my last three

paychecks bounced from my job before the

company went under last week. Like, I do

not work. Like I'm moving in with my

cousins next week cuz I have nowhere

else to go.

If by it you mean setting up the new

router in my cousin's house because I'm

[ __ ] homeless then. Yeah.

Yeah.

But it's like live as they're like and

she works in it. And she's like, "Yes, I

absolutely do."

Mhm. It is. It's my favorite. Have you

tried turning it off and turning it back

on again?

So, this uh all three books are fully

dual point of view. So, we're going to

switch to Michael. He's upset because

like it's the holidays. He's just burnt

out.

His manager is like, "Hey, we know this

week you're doing Second Bite holiday

special, but

we've officially confirmed next week

you're filming live like Second Bite New

Year's Eve special in Canada." And he's

like, "What the [ __ ] Like, I told you I

wanted a break. Like I told like this

isn't cool. And so he's just going into

this recording.

Already irritated. Just already done

with with everyone. Like and his manager

is like, "Well, like if you're lonely,

like I I can send you like someone to

keep you company." And he's like, "Did

you really just offer to send me a

Canadian hooker?" And his manager's

like, "She doesn't have to be Canadian."

And he's like, "You're missing the

[ __ ] point. I'm hanging up on you.

I'm not trying to order off the menu,

man. Like, what the [ __ ] She doesn't

have to be Canadian.

Yes, that was the issue in this moment.

Not you just offering to send me someone

because you decided I had to like keep

working.

I don't know why but I was like what

what do you want me to like request

someone lousian? Like what are you do? I

don't know why I went with Laos. I don't

know why.

Cuz it's a beautiful people.

It is.

We should all be so lucky.

I was like, "H, okay. All right." So, no

hookers of any national origin.

Yeah. It felt like

the national origin wasn't the issue

that Michael had in that moment.

Yeah. It was more he wants a day off,

not to get laid.

Yes. 1,000%. So, they're walking around

and like going and doing the

introductions that it seems like it like

I don't know how many people are

typically on the show, but for the sake

of this holiday special, there are four

contestants.

Okay. And so Alice is one of them and

they're going around and when they like

walk up,

Michael is like clearly so like

disengaged like he's like not even

looking and she like sticks her hand out

to like introduce herself and he doesn't

look up like doesn't go to take her hand

and so she's just awkwardly like

standing there and like I forget what

the host Joey is the host what he says

but like whatever it is like Alice is

like yeah that's right or like yes

that's right whatever she says says,

"Michael's like, "That's the voice of an

angel." Like immediately like looks up

and as she's like pulling her hand back

like he reaches for it. It's like,

"What's your name?" They're like, "I

just [ __ ] like, bro, this is live.

Like, get your [ __ ] together." He's

like, "I don't think you guys

understand. I don't want to be here and

I don't give a fuck."

Well, and the last contestant, he was

like, "She was openly flirting with him

and it was annoying him." So, he was

also like, "I'm not." He's like, "I'm

just keeping my head down." He's like,

"What? I almost missed this angel in

front of me."

He's immediately,

the ridiculousness of this insta love is

like he sees her and he's like,

"She is mine." And like they're like

they're holding hand like shaking hands

for like too long

and she like kind of trips like into the

station and then like as they're walking

away she's like I'm pretty sure he was

like pulling me towards him. Like I

didn't just trip. He like yanked me

towards him, but okay. Well, I guess I

got to bake now. It's like kind of the

energy of this like initial interaction.

So

different.

But um when my husband and I had not

even started like talking really yet, um

we worked together. That's how we met.

And we were all kind of in like a staff

area, break area,

and he walked by me and he like touched

my back and kind of like didn't do

anything weird, but he like slid his

hand down my back a little bit as he was

going by and I was like,

and later I was like, that Matt guy

touched my back and one of my other

co-workers was like, because he's very

into you. And I was like, "What?" Like,

"Oh my god."

I was like, "Flirting in the wild?"

Never. I What?

Flirting on a treatment unit?

Like,

I mean, not in a patient area, but yes.

I was like, "What?" Like,

I mean, okay. Okay. All right. Like,

jokes's on you. I'm into that [ __ ] I

see you putting out that vibe subtly

testing the waters just to see how I

respond,

which I missed completely. And if I

hadn't said it out loud to somebody, who

knows where we'd be.

Did I ever tell you about the time I was

doing a session in person at the office

and no other therapist were there, but

UPS was dropping off like a box of like

deliveries and they knocked on the

office door and I'm like, "Holy like I'm

I'm in session." So I'm like, "Hey, so

sorry. be like, "I'm in session. Yep.

Let me sign for it real fast." And he

was like, "No problem at all." Like,

"Thanks so much for being chill about.

Why don't I just like why don't you give

me your numbers then that way like in

the future if I have to like make a

delivery and you're in like we can just

like pre-cordate." I was like, "Yeah, no

problem. That sounds great." I go

through all of it. I walk back in my

office and I like look at my client and

I'm like, "Did I just give the UPS guy

my number?" And my client was like,

"Yeah."

Was he cute? I do remember that story,

but I don't remember if he was cute. I

think his attractiveness was irrelevant

to the fact that like I'm a happily

married woman in the middle of

conducting a therapy session.

I didn't know you were already married.

Oh yeah, girl.

That was the current company I work for.

So

there is a very hot UPS driver.

Okay.

In the area and several of my friends

are single and so they'll text each

other like it's it's him, you guys. He's

doing the rounds today. Everybody buckle

up. Like

so the group chat will light up with

like it's the one. It's nice. I do know

a guy who at one point in all of our

like formative years we were all like

he's the most attractive person any of

us had like seen like and it was like a

friend of ours. He went on to be a FedEx

driver. And I remember thinking what a

blessing.

Yeah.

Like that is the gift. Not only am I

getting a package, I'm getting a show.

I had a client once who was hooking up

with someone and she had nicknames for

everybody. Like, so I never knew

anybody's real name. And there was one

guy who was FedEx. He did not work for

them.

He didn't even work for them.

No,

he always delivers.

All right. Anyway,

by no means the point transferable

skills that you never would think would

be transferable skills from being like a

FedEx or UPS driver.

I had a former like high school I think

yeah I think it was my high school youth

pastor, some youth pastor at a church um

driving a 15 passenger van filled with

high schoolers on trips. The confidence

with which that man would whip that van

into spots and I'm like what? Like you

just you just back that in to this spot

with like no issue at all. And he's

like, "I literally drove for FedEx for

like 10 years. Like, you cannot phase me

in a car." And I'm like,

it never even occurred to me.

Oh, what a skill set.

Oh, yeah. The confidence with which that

man could I then was driving a 15

passenger van and tried to wield that

confidence and I had no right to it. I

did that once. Drove a 15 passenger van

with fully loaded with people and an

email went out from the CEO of the

company that I worked for that was like,

"Hey, reminder to anybody driving the

vans." And I was like, "Oh no."

It was 100% me. It was like, "Hey,

remember to be careful when making those

turns." And I was like, "That was me

like coming back to the facility." Like

that was me trying my best.

Yeah. I was like, I'm so sorry. Maybe

hire a driver

and not like a 24year-old that doesn't

have a great driving record to be

honest. I'm not a good driver. Like I

shouldn't be here. Anyway, yeah. Like

you're a capable enough driver, but

you're also probably not the driver that

if I'm like, you know, someone who's

just like really confident, has a great

sense of direction.

No.

Yeah, that you you probably aren't in my

top five on that list. No. And I also

love that. Yeah. You're like, I you're

like, I'm not offended. If I am in your

top five, get a better top five for

that,

right? Like, maybe meet more people.

Like, I got my car stuck in a ditch

trying to get boiled peanuts. I'm not

the one. Like, no.

Yeah.

I vividly remember that.

It was a lot.

It was a lot. Okay. So, they're in

they're firmly in the first challenge of

this cooking competition. Michael is

already annoyed like looking at Joey as

they're going around like, "Okay, it's

like what are you working on? What are

you making for us this round?" And

Michael's like, "Joe, standing like too

freaking close to to my my girl." All

right, Mike, chill out. Good sir, you

did not know her 30 minutes ago when

this competition started. You still

don't know her last name, probably.

Like,

do you even know that she works in it?

Allegedly.

Allegedly. But also like he's like the

bad boy host. Like he's supposed to be

an or not host like judge. He's like the

Simon Cowl, right? Like he's supposed to

be an [ __ ] during judging. And so

he's also like I just want to like

treat her so well, but like I like need

to like be firm and like keep my

a-holeness

in place.

And he's so he's like trying to like

make it not obvious that he's into her.

But like

at judging she goes and she's like, "So

these are like the cakes I made." and

goes like push them forward and she

accidentally like

hits some of the icing with her finger

then like licks it off. I'm like girl it

is live television like I could see

being nervous enough to be like like

well and like makes the joke and she's

like I promise I didn't lick all of them

here you go like oh god

and he's like you could though.

Yeah,

please lick all of them. When she's

licking her finger clean, they make

accidental eye contact that he's like, I

need to make sure no one can see my

crotch on camera right now. Like this

would be very embarrassing.

Cross your legs.

Yes. Like put your hands in front of

yourself

just casually. Not not because you have

a boner or anything like that.

She does well enough in the competition.

So that night they're all everyone is at

like the hotel bar hanging out, but also

So is it like a one day or is it

multiple events over multiple days?

It seems like it's three days in a row.

And it seems like they like have the

studio that they like film the typical

season. This is being filmed I want to

say in like Minneapolis or something

like that. Um and it's more of like

yeah, we're using the convention center

attached to the hotel to like build out

the studio. Then we're all staying at

that same hotel in the evening. So like,

okay,

in and out in less than a week for the

full holiday special production of it

all, but also like judges and

contestants really aren't supposed to be

interacting at that point. So, like the

judges are sitting in one section of the

bar and like the contestants are all

sitting in the other and like they

accidentally like make eye contact and

he's just like all about her and and

like when they make eye contact he's

like was she like looking at me and he's

like I need to be alone. I need to be in

my room like immediately

where he goes and like masturbates to

the still shot of her licking the icing

off her finger earlier. She facetimes

her cousins that night, the ones who had

signed her up for the show, and they're

like, "Girl, we can feel the sexual

tension through the screen."

She's like, "I'm just trying to make a

cake. Everybody chill out."

Yes. She's like, "Have I been in love

with him for years?" Yes. Am I on a

stressful live baking competition show?

Also, yes. I'm not aware of the sexual

tension. I'm just trying to survive and

have no one ask me about my IT job.

Yeah.

Yes.

Um, also my notes say that while he

masturbated to the photo of her licking

her finger, she also like jills off that

night thinking of him. like they both go

to bed that night mutually

self- stimulating individually at the

thought of each other.

I didn't love that sentence. I didn't.

I heard it. Yeah. Here we are.

Okay. So,

on a treatment team call Mhm.

which generally occurs between 8 and

9:00 a.m. at a place I worked

previously.

Mhm. Someone very casually was like,

"Yes, we need to address that one male

patient spit into another male patient's

mouth in the medline and several

patients are upset."

And I was like, "It's not 900 a.m."

And I You're like, "I hear the coffee

pot still brewing, man. like I haven't

had any yet.

I'm like I need to lay down. Like what?

But [ __ ] like that would happen all the

time.

In their mouth

because there was another I think I've

told you about this one where like the

risk manager of the facility was like,

"Yes, there was technically anal and

digital penetration." And so and I was

like, "It is 8:27 a.m. It is 8:27 a.m.

What professional wording?" I know anal

digital penetration. Mind you, my team

was out there when the hospital called

us and was like, he removed a portion of

his dick and they're like, can I put he

removed his Oscar from his Meer Weiner

in his clinical notes.

I'm like, props,

but I do want to high five you for it.

Okay, so it's the next challenge.

Yes. So, we're struggling. Yeah, we're

like,

well, they're they're horny.

Yeah, we're very into each other, but

like orbiting around each other, right?

The next challenge is an ice cream

challenge. Um Alice is making chai ice

cream balls that have like a cinnamon

filling in them. And her plan, she's

like, she's making little gingerbread

hats and she's like has Jell-O make a

scarf. But a lot of this is like all

based on it needs to set in the freezer

for for the baking time. So, she's like

waiting until like the last minute and

when she goes and opens like the blast

chiller, things have not gone well. She

had a

like you know those like brownie pans so

like no one gets like so everyone can

have an edge piece

like she had like used like one of those

essentially to pour the Jell-O mold for

the scarf but put that on the rack above

the ice cream and it spilled over and

melted. So all of this red Jell-O has

melted into her ice cream.

Oh no. which she's like, "This isn't

great. Time is up." I like have nothing

else to serve. So, like she still puts

the hat on it. Michael's looking at it,

like switches his point of view, and

he's like, "This is the worst thing I've

ever seen. Oh my god, I feel so bad."

But like, okay, we're just going to like

keep our straight face, take a bite.

We'll see how this goes. Like, hopefully

it tastes good and I can give her

something. He spits the bite out and is

like, "This is the worst thing I've ever

eaten in my entire life." when I tell

you I would die.

Oh yeah. Like

melt into the floor and I would never be

seen again.

Well, and so he's like, "What is that

flavor?" And so the scarf she was making

was jel, but it was like Hawaiian punch

flavored Jell-O. And he's like, "The

flavors have to be congruent

regardless." So like, it still should

have tasted good.

Yes. Even if it hadn't melted over and

you had like made the Jell-O scarf

around the snowman's head, the flavors

still wouldn't have matched because chai

and cinnamon don't go with Hawaiian

punch.

Yes. And like the other judge, Pamela,

is like, "Very clever idea. Like your

gingerbread cookie is really delicious.

Like if like I'm sure if the if the

execution went how we you had hoped it,

it would have been like really great

sort of energy." But like she's keeping

her head down. Michael sees like a tear

and he's like, "Oh my god, I made the

love of my life cry." And you're like,

"You,

dude, you've never even spoken to her

one-on-one."

Yeah.

Just because you rubbed one out to a

picture of her, does not mean you're

soulmate.

Well, and like when he's like, "This is

the worst thing I've ever like consumed

under her breath." She's like, "I'm so

sorry, Michael." Instead of saying like,

"I'm so sorry, Chef Mike. I'm so sorry,

Chef Kesso." Michael is not what

everyone calls him, but then like he

hears her call him Michael and he's

like, "I felt that straight in my dick."

like, oh, my full name, my government

name.

I'm hard now at the thought.

Okay. All right. I don't know that I've

ever known anyone to be turned on by

their government name, but All right.

Right. Ironically, years ago, for a

short time, I was like seeing a guy who

like everyone knew as Mike, and I called

him Michael, and it felt like so like

intimate.

Yeah. Like, oh,

I get to call him that. Like,

yeah.

And now I'm like,

[ __ ] just call him Mike.

It's his preferred name for a reason.

Yeah. When you've earned that, sure, but

like

don't claim that and then call it

intimacy,

blaming young Chelsea for things.

You know, relationships you look back on

and you're like, "Was that how I really

imagined it at the time?"

No.

No. No, it was not.

We learn, we grow,

right? So, after filming, Alice is like

still really upset. Obviously, she's

like she's not even paying attention to

like how judging is going for other

people,

right?

But and just like she's really upset and

goes over and like she starts cleaning

the freezer where like all of like the

Jell-O has spilled and like bless it

like a PA comes up and is like um like

you don't have to do that and she's like

I know but like it's my mess that I

caused and like I'm so sorry to

everyone. And so like she's cleaning and

then suddenly she feels a warm hand on

her back and Mike goes, "Don't cry. It's

just dessert. Please don't cry, baby

cakes. I can't take you crying." I like

this. This is the first full sentence.

Baby cakes on live television.

So at this point,

so I don't fully know if Well, so here's

what happens. Filming has ended at this

point. So he went over and like thinks

it's okay. But then as he's doing that,

he realizes that a camera is still like

filming them. So he's like trying to

have this moment of being like, I think

this woman is the love of my life. I

want to I feel so bad that I like said

what she ate was made was the worst

thing I'd ever ate in my entire life.

And but also I'm like need to

keep professional distance.

Yes. And so like as soon as he realizes

that like the camera is still going, he

becomes like immediately colder and is

like you don't need to do that. Like you

can go. So it's a little bit of whiplash

for her within all of this. But I also

get the tension that he's living in of

like

this is film like they're literally

filming this. This is happening live

awkward.

Yeah. We got to we got to keep it

profession.

So that night Alice is like I'm not

going to go down to the bar. I'm not in

the mood to go down to the bar with

everyone and I'm just going to stay in

my room and like Michael's like in the

bar

very much

waiting for her

wait like cuz he like wants to

apologize. He's like cuz I can apologize

in front of everyone, right? Like he's

like

but like I need to like know that she's

okay. And at this point she's like

you know took my bra off for the day

just sitting in my hotel room turned the

lights off looking at the skyline

waiting for my burger to to get

delivered.

Relatable. Yeah,

true.

Yeah,

the most

my bra is off. I'm not leaving anywhere

ever again.

The light Yeah. The lights are off. My

bra is off.

That's it.

I'm in for the night. This is where we

are 1,000%. And so Michael then is like,

I need to talk to her. I need to resolve

this. So he goes up to like the front

desk and holds up his phone and is like,

hey. And she's like like the girl at

front desk is like, oh my god, like

you're chef.

Yes. And he's like, oh. Also, like one

of like the contestants from this

season, she like left her phone at the

table and I called

See a phone.

Yeah, this phone that just has a very

neutral background that could be

anyone's is definitely hers. She wasn't

feeling very well. Could you let me know

what room number she's in so I can

return it? Cuz I'd hate to make her come

all the way back down not feeling well.

Okay. Well, like I'm not supposed to,

but

happy to help.

Here's her room number and here's my

number. Wink wink. Like, okay. Yeah. I'm

like,

I don't think you just got her room

number.

But mind you, he doesn't he doesn't see

other women. Other women don't exist for

him now after this 20 24 hours of

knowing Alice. Right.

So, there's a knock on the door. She

opens it thinking it's room service.

It's not. It's

with no bra. Oh my stars.

Oh, yeah. And his like brain

shortcircuits at that that he cannot

compute boobs in that regard. Like, are

those nipples? Everybody, this is not a

drill.

It's like that meme of like, you're a

first time seeing boobs. You're 3,758th

time seeing boobs. Same reaction. Boobs

are boobs, man. Like,

boobs are awesome.

I get it.

Yeah, for sure.

But also like I my boobs are fine.

Yeah.

I don't think my boobs are like God's

gift to humanity.

That would take several doctors to make

them that way, right? I'm like, my boobs

are are fine, but I love that it doesn't

matter if you have great boobs or you

have mid boobs. Boobs are boobs.

Yeah. Tits out, you know.

Yeah. Tits out, bits out. Indeed.

Yes.

So, she opens the door. He's kind of

like gaga overseeing her boobs, but is

like starting to try and apologize. And

then they hear the other elevator start

to open and he hears Joey's voice and

he's like, "Oh, like I we can't be

seen." Frattonizing. Fraternizing. Is

there an extra?

Fraternizing.

Frater. Okay, there is an extra R in

there. Um, and so he just like pushes

like into her room like shuts the door.

So now they're just in her hotel room.

This is worse, bro. Like you could just

say I wanted to check on her,

right? cuz he's like, "I wanted to

apologize." Then he like ends up like in

her room. Then they're very close. Then

he just ends up like kissing her.

So they're making out for a moment and

he's like, "I'm so sorry, baby cakes.

Please forgive me."

And she's like, "I forgive you." Like

what is happen like

for what?

Also, you did bomb the challenge

respectfully,

right?

Hawaiian punch and chai don't go.

Who would do that?

Only psycho. I'm like, "How much

indacica did you smoke, babe?" No, we

don't. We don't do that. We don't do

that. No. He says he wants to like taste

her tits. She's like, "Absolutely.

It's Hawaiian punch.

It's

he ends up like eating her out, but like

very dramatically where I'm like, "Okay,

he's eating her out."

He like lit. She has both her leg she's

like up against the wall. He's like,

"Put your hands against the wall for

support." Both of her legs are over his

shoulders. So, she's just like free

floating against the wall while his head

is under her skirt and he's eating her

out.

That's a lot of trust.

His neck must hurt.

Yeah.

Like

I love your face figuring out the

logistics of this.

Yeah. All right. Cool beans.

Why wouldn't this be how this

single leg hiked? I could. That's fine.

Yes, it was both. It was the like and I

went back to reread it and just make

sure that it was like, "Yep, she's now

like in the air leaning against the wall

with her legs over his shoulders."

That book I was telling you about

earlier that I read like 20% and then I

was like, I can't do this. This is so

stupid. And like skipped to the last two

chapters. There was one bit where like

he was carrying her to the bed, but he

was still eating her out. And I was

like, "How tall are the ceilings?"

Did I read that book? cuz I read

something similar where I'm like

logistically there are questions.

I was like for real how tall are these

ceilings? Is she upside down? What's

happening?

Yeah. You're like is this a standing 69

situation?

Which I also read a scene one time where

that was happening, but she was facing

the dick. And if you're facing the dick

upside down, your knees don't bend that

way to hook over his shoulders.

Excellent point. Yeah. I was like, "No,

the only way this works logistically is

if she's doing a full back bend and

circling back to the dick, which also

doesn't feel logical."

Like, let's just do this on the bed.

We need a chiropractor on call.

Maybe that was the book. It wasn't like

Yeah, gravity really seems to not have

any place in a 69 situation in some

or basic architecture because like what

how again how toler

follow-up announcement time.

Announcement two, electric bugaloo.

Friendly reminder that if you have any

interest in life coaching or Smut Club

book club with your fellow smut [ __ ]

follow the link in our Instagram bio or

the show notes.

All right. Okay. Free floating 60 orc

free floating

Yes. So she comes really hard and then

wants to return the favor and he's like

no like I've done too much already. And

she's like oh wait what? like I'm so

confused. And like his phone starts

ringing. He's like, "Shit, like I got to

take this call." So it's like a very

chaotic moment.

Sure.

After she comes and then he's like,

"This isn't over. Like please like tell

me you understand. Like this like just

can't happen right now." And she's like,

"I understand." And when he leaves, do

you internally she's like, "I don't

think I understand."

She's like, "I was just trying to have a

cheeseburger."

Right. And so she's like, that's like

kind of how it ends is like room service

ends up knocking on the door and she

just like eats her burger alone in

silence. I would be like, did any of

that happen? This is the worst day ever.

Fever dream.

Yeah.

Like, wow, I'm so upset with how that

judging went.

Yes. Did I accidentally put like LSD

into that scarf? Well, also she realizes

that like even if she like

nails the final competition, she's not

going to win the show. And she's like,

"So, I still don't have any money and my

company still went under." Like, "Okay,

fuck." Like, I guess I just

still have to figure things out. I'm

just on this random show for another

day, moving in with my cousins, then

I'll figure out my next steps. No, I

don't understand what he Yeah. So he ate

me out then was like this isn't over.

Tell me you understand and then ran

away.

No, no one understands in that moment.

Like you have like constructed an entire

narrative that only you are aware of.

You can't be like you get it. No [ __ ]

I sure don't.

Your first complete sentence to her was

don't cry. Like it's just dessert. Don't

cry baby cakes. Like

your next full sentence was, "I'm so

sorry."

And then after

and then you put your tongue on her

[ __ ] What is happening?

Like poor Alice.

No wonder Alice is confused. So it's now

the third and final competition. It's

the next day.

She's flustered, rightly so, and like

avoiding eye contact with Michael and

not trying to like look at him. She's

like, I just need to keep my head down

and like make this freaking dessert. Not

that I'm going to win anything, but like

just end this. Well,

she's like, "I've embarrassed myself

thoroughly. I'm just trying to get out

of here with a touch of dignity."

But she's so flustered that like Joey

and Pamela and Michael come around and

they're like, "So, what are you making?"

And they're like, she's like, "What?"

And they're like, "So, like, what's your

plan? Like, what are you planning?" And

she like looks down at Michael's dick.

He's like, "Oh my god, did she just look

at my dick on TV?" He's like, "Keep

yourself covered. Don't get hard at that

thought of like

I'm planning to serve that dick.

What? Like,

and also Alice, no. When like like why

was that your response on live

television? Like what what are you

planning?

You're planning the cake inspired by

your grandmother that like

this has nothing to do with his penis.

This is my grandmother's apple cake that

she served every Christmas. Like it

means so much to me.

What?

And so like she it's like down to the

wire. She gets the full cake done. She

ends up nailing it.

Oh, good.

To the point that Michael does go for a

second bite.

Like picks the fork back up and it's the

only second bite of the whole holiday

special. So like she might have bombed

the second competition, but she did get

the only

second bite of this whole special. still

doesn't win,

right?

Understandable.

But like at one point he's like he like

when he's like eating the second bite

he's like yeah this is [ __ ]

delicious. And they're like like

everyone gasps cuz all of production is

like what? And he's like Alice is worth

the fine. And the other judge is like

you mean Alice's dessert is worth the

fine, right? And he's like I said what I

said however you need to interpret that.

Do what you need.

Whatever, Pamela. Right. Well and then

like Joey throws his arm around her

shoulder and is like did you hear that?

Your dessert is freaking delicious. And

then Michael sees the arm around his

shoulder. He's like, "We're done here."

Like, I need her.

Don't touch what's mine.

Yeah. Don't touch mine.

Good sir. It's so confusing.

Alice is like, "Well, I didn't embarrass

myself today."

All right.

Yes.

Yeah.

She doesn't win, which is expected. And

Michael's like, "We just need to get

through like these final interviews and

the final like promo things. Then that

way I can officially

she can be mine.

Make her mine." Yes. These three days

have been torture not being able to

claim her the way I'd like.

But when by the time he finishes, he

real like she's already gone. They're

like, "Yeah, like contestant interviews

like the first interviews that were

done." So like she was released a while

ago. He like runs back to the hotel.

When he like gets to her hotel room,

like the doors open cuz the cleaning

crew is cleaning it. And just like as a

side thing in this, the cleaning lady is

like, "Oh, here's like a a coin that was

on the ground. I don't think she meant

to leave it cuz she left a tip on the

table, but it looks like it probably

like looks special. Like not like a

typical quarter." He's like, "Okay, like

I can return her lucky coin to her,

which it's like the grandmother's coin

that like the grandmother who taught her

to bake. You know, we have three books

to review here tonight. Hannah,

still moving. Still moving.

Still moving. And we we're almost at the

end of the first nolla.

Oh, okay.

Yeah. Like they they really do move that

quickly.

Okay.

Um so then he like badgers his manager

for her home address. When he goes to

like get the home address, her her

neighbor is like, "You just missed her."

And he's like, "Oh, when will she be

back?" And he's like, "No, she just like

moved out." Moved out.

Right. She gone.

Yes. And so he is

real stressed about this, but is also

like, "Oh, you're that dude." And he's

like, "What do you mean?" And he was

like, "The dude she's in love with. She

had like a framed photo of you on her

nightstand."

I knew it. We're meant to be.

Right. And Michael's like, "Oh, she

did?" What?

Okay.

Uh, but so now his mission, he's like,

"I need to find wherever the hell Alice

went. I'm not going to Canada until I

have Alice by my side.

All right.

Right. So, cut back.

She will be my Minnesotan hooker.

What?

American hooker. Get it right.

Apologies. I don't know where she

We've got lousing Canadian and American.

So, cut to Alice. She is officially

moving in with her cousins, which like

it sounds as though there was a long

lost relative who like left this house

to her two cousins who are like slowly

fixing it up, but like living in their

basement is not winning the lottery.

It's like,

right, it's like a bed to sleep in and a

bathroom to use, but like

Yes. and they're very sweet and

supportive and have like hung string

lights to like try and make it feel

homey for her. But like she's moving

into

their basement basement,

right?

Uh but starts going through the shoe box

that she's kept of, you know, whenever

like Chef Michael Cesso has had like

been in the news, she's like cut out the

clippings and has like a signed photo.

So, she has a shoe box filled with

Michael Momentos.

Okay. Um, I want to go back a second.

What's the title of this one? Cuz the

first one was Second Bite and this one

is We're still in second bite, Hannah.

Oh,

we haven't made it to the second one.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Don't worry. I'll let you know when we

officially switch. I I see your

confusion, though. I just meant we were

getting to the end of

of the competition.

The end of Second Bite. Like we're just

getting to the end of the first novella.

Oh, okay.

Yes.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm tracking.

I'm tracking. So, there's a knock

upstairs as she's going through this box

of momentos of things, her most prized

possessions or like a signed photo of

Mike.

And so, he's here. He's found her.

Somehow

he's gone full stalker.

He got the cousin's address somehow.

Very impressive that he managed to get

that so quickly. And so then upon their

reunion, he's like, "You left." And

she's like, "I was told we were done."

And he's like, "We're not done." She's

like, "We're not baby cakes. We're never

going to be done." I'm like,

"Baby cakes."

My notes then say, "She immediately

climbs him like a tree."

She's like, "It's been a very stressful

time and I would very much like to

release this energy." Oh, just the

quotes. I have so many random quotes cuz

it goes from like, "Don't ever run away

from me again. You're the star on top of

my tree. I'm incomplete without you. I

need you always by my side. I need you

where I am."

This is the most this man has ever

spoken to this woman.

He did not know her 96 hours ago.

That's like on the office when Michael

is talking to Jan and he's like, "You

complete me." And he like makes a heart

with his fingers as she's like trying to

walk out and she just does this like and

like turns around and walks out.

Except unlike her, it's working on

Alice.

Reciprocated.

Yes.

Yeah.

This is different. Michael yields a

different response, but same energy. You

completely You're like, "What? You do

not know each other?"

Yikes.

And then like it escalates even further

cuz he's like, "You scared me today."

Like when I couldn't find you. Good

girls get sweet things. Naughty girls

get it rough. And you've been very

naughty.

Good sir. Production released her. What

do you

You didn't ask her to hang out. Like you

didn't say

you just said for me we're not done.

She'll understand what I mean. She gets

it right. And she's like I really don't.

Right. You told me been high. I don't

know what's happening.

You told me my ice cream was the worst

thing you've ever had in your entire

life. Ate me out then told me we weren't

done. What?

So then he like looks over and sees the

shoe box.

No.

And she's like feels a little like

embarrassed at first.

But then he goes, "This collection of

yours makes us even." And she's like,

"What?" And he goes, "It means you're

just obsessed with me as I am with you."

My notes say, "Then he enters her."

What an entrance line.

And then my notes say, "She calls him

Michael while he thrusts."

He's like, "Say the rest." She goes, "I

love you." That's the And he's like, "I

love you, too."

That's the rest. I would be like,

"Michael

Kesso K E S

O

on each thrust." I can spell like

on each thrust. What?

Because that's always like in these

books it's like punctuated by each

thrust. You are mine, right? Like K E S

O.

What's that spell? Castle.

B Ko. Like what?

Sorry.

Oh my gosh. Well, so then Okay. So then

it's still a little like she's like, "So

what does this mean?"

Right. So what's happening?

Like we just declared our love while

being penetrated.

But like, is that legit? And she's like,

"Are are we dating?" And he goes, "I'm

yours." And that wetness leaking out of

you makes you mine. So yeah, we're

dating for the next few days or however

long it takes for me to find the perfect

ring. Then you'll be my fiance, and by

New Year's Eve, if I have my say, you'll

be my wife. And then he's like, "You're

coming to Canada with me."

in the epilogue of the first novella is

that they get in the car to go to the

airport and he returns the lucky coin to

her that she lost while he was eating

her out

and she says it all feels like a dream

and that is where we start snowed in

bite.

So snowed in bite we've arrived to the

airport. Cool. All right. She's like, "I

don't have anything else to do cuz I

work in it."

That's because I'm unemployed

in it.

Homeless.

Poor Alice. Oh, honey.

All right. Good for her. Free trip to

Canada. God bless. Right. And she had

her passport on deck.

Well, and they do mention that she like

says to her cousins like, "Thanks for

making me get my passport."

But we do also learn very quickly in

this book, she's never been on a flight

before. So, this is all just like a leap

of faith for her. But they get to the

airport and people are like, he's a

celebrity chef. People know who he is.

They watch his shows. Like, people are

taking videos and photos of them. And

she's feeling like really

self-conscious,

right?

And it's kind of like, oh, well, like,

you know, camp like like unexpected

photos. I don't always look great at

unexpected angles. And just like

tame, babe.

Yeah. I'm like, you know, we've all been

there.

Yeah. And like when you really think of

like all of those like tabloids where

they post photos of celebrities at the

beach who are just like living their

lives in a swimsuit and not at like a

professional photo shoot and they're

like oh do you see that cellulite?

Yeah.

And as children we were also like ew

gross. I do see that cellulite. And now

you're like, "Oh, no. What I see is a

human just living their life and trying

their best, having a photo they did not

consent to posted and judged."

Yeah.

It feels less cool when you think about

it like that.

100%. I'm like, "Yeah, I'm cute at very

particular angles." Like

like that's mean like leave people

alone.

I'm adorable as long as it's a downshot.

For real. I'm like, "My chin only works

at certain angles.

Know thyself, right?"

But Michael can also like see her

distress here. And so he ends up like

pulling her into the family bathroom and

just to be like, "Hey, like

my fans are not like that. Like my fans

are like supportive. Like my fans like

just want to see me h like my fans are

not like the cruel they're going to drag

you sort of.

They're not going to be judgy and

hateful.

But it is sweet that he like recognizes

her discomfort and gives her this like

pep talk. But then when they they like

walk out of the bathroom and there's

like lots of people standing.

They were [ __ ] in the bathroom.

Yeah. And it's a little like, oh well,

we could do that, but there's probably

people that said like, let's keep our

voices low. And he even said he's like,

no, I wanted to say this to you and I

didn't want people to hear like people

didn't need to hear this conversation.

Which is also like yes, very very

thoughtful and kind. And so they end up

getting in line at the airport bakery

called Firm Buns.

I just thought you'd appreciate that. I

did.

It's not really relevant to the plot,

but

sounds like a gym/bakery.

You know,

firm buns,

that's also a great business idea.

Yeah,

our last episode we started a band and

this episode we're starting a gym bakery

called Firm Bun. So, I read a book

called Whisk It All that Like

You got to whisk it for the biscuit.

We love a pun.

We do love a pun.

Yeah, we don't ask for a lot. Just puns

and smut.

We're very simple creatures. If you like

men are happy with just flash them your

boobs.

Yeah, boobs are great. I had a friend

who had like started her masters in

counseling and then found out she was

like pregnant with twins and I don't I

don't know if she actually finished it

but she sent me she's like a post from a

therapist. I was like okay my most

clinical feedback

what can solve most marriages

flash your husband unexpectedly

unprompted close up across the room. It

doesn't matter. Flash your husband.

A surprise [ __ ]

Oh, okay. There was a season earlier on

in our marriage where like I would look

at like I could tell like whatever I did

would like frustrate Vance and I would

just immediately grab his hand and suck

his finger.

Hannah, it was so effective. He was

never mad by

I would just like look at him and

my bad. I'm sorry.

It worked so well. So, I'm like, "Yeah."

Mhm. Flash your tits, suck a finger.

I have a particular pair of underwear.

That's the one. Yeah.

What color are they? Lacy.

They're purple.

Oh,

that's my color. Purple is my color.

It is also my husband's color, but it

feels weird to link those in this

moment, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You have had purple hair the

entire time I've known you.

Yeah.

Yes.

And I probably will for the foreseeable

future.

Why fix it if it ain't broke?

Exactly.

Exactly.

You get it.

Okay. So, back to firm buns here. The

girl working the counter sees them and

immediately like fang girl. She's like,

"Oh my gosh, I've never met a celebrity

before and you guys are so attract. You

guys are so like so nice in real life."

Then she like looks at Alice and she's

like, "Oh my gosh, I love you." And

Alice just looks at her. He's like, "I I

love you, too."

We Yeah. So, if we could just get

those Danishes and coffees we ordered.

Like,

I just want a cream cheese Danish and to

mind my business

1,000%.

Oh, that's so good. Um, but also like

while they're in line waiting, she tells

him, "Oh, because that the the other

girl who had been blatantly flirting

during the the last book."

I'm imagining cleavage like tits like

Yes, I think that's very accurate.

Um, she was the one who won and it's

typical that like the judges all like

hug the winners,

but Alice saw him hug Michaela, the girl

who won, and was like, "Ooh, like

don't. Yeah, that makes me feel kind of

weird. It's like while they're online,

she's like, "Hey, like I don't want you

hugging other women in the future." And

he's like, "What? Like I wouldn't." And

she's like, "Well, you hugged Michaela."

And he's like, "That was for the show."

And she's like, "Fine. Every time you

hug a woman, I'll hug Joey." And he's

like, "The [ __ ] you will." Like that.

I'm like, this level of ridiculous like

chest beating is just

Right. Right. Right. Um,

and so after this like I love you, I

love you too moment with the girl

working at Firm Buns, they get on their

flight and as they're like about to get

on the flight, he realizes that she's

really nervous and is like, "Hey, are

you okay?" And she's like, "I've never

done this before."

And he's also realizing like, "Oh, you

know, I did just like

I don't know her."

Swooped her up,

right?

But it's very kind cuz he's like, "Okay,

like do you want do you want to follow

me so you can just like see how easy it

is?" He's like, "Yeah." He's like, "Just

like hook your finger through like my

back belt loop." So, he's like walking

her through and

it's just very

kind and supportive.

Yeah.

Um, and she ends up falling asleep on

the flight and then when she wakes up,

she's like looking around and she's

like, "We're on the ground.

Vancouver is a city. There should be way

more lights than this. What has

happened?" And apparently there's a

incoming blizzard. So their flight has

been diverted and they're just like

there's a blizzard coming into the small

town of Bear Cove, wherever that is.

Sure.

And so they

Sounds Canadian.

You get it. The man, his manager has

like booked them a place to stay and

booked them a rental car, but like they

are snowed in for the next couple days.

Whenever this blizzard is about to hit,

they have to go hunker down.

There's only one bed. No, I mean,

they've already had sex. It doesn't

matter. But

yeah, I think this is less of a by

convenience and more of a

Yeah,

we would have only needed one bed even

if they had to sort of situation. And

they arrive at a literal Christmas

cottage. It has like a white picket

fence. The snow is falling. There's a

tree. Like the house is like fully

decorated for Christmas cuz also at this

point I think it's like Christmas Eve.

Oh,

like it is like entrenched in the

holidays. Does she not have parents?

They're I don't think they're ever She

has the cousins,

right?

Even when she marries him by New Year's,

the parents are not

I don't know if that's mentioned. I

just assume a Disney situation and leave

it.

I think that's a

great understanding.

They get settled in. They stopped and

got groceries. And what she's like, I

wasn't going to she she told what did it

say? It said that like Michael told me I

could stay in the car and didn't need to

go in the mini mart, but when I saw the

sign that said we've got jerky from elk

to turkey, I had to go in and like see

what the store held myself.

My town has a jerky store. So,

a full jerky store.

Yeah. Yeah.

Do they sell anything else?

No.

Do they sell like crackers and cheese on

the side even to make it like shakuerie

or there?

I don't think I've ever been in there.

They're like, "We do one thing. Why mess

it up?"

I don't think I've ever gone in there.

How's your husband? I need You can't

tell me your town has a jerky store and

then not

I'll report back.

Yeah. You can't just throw that out

there.

They have all like random cuz I've seen

the

They've got They've got jerky from elk

to turkey.

Yeah. Like they have a sign that's like

a weird random kind of I don't think so.

Well, tell them that's a lost business

opportunity town and I'll see the sign.

I'm like, "Oh, they got a different kind

of jerky. That's interesting." But I've

never gone in. So,

I like jerky is something that even when

I ate meat never

No, it does not appeal.

It like never occurred to me to eat

jerky.

Yeah.

Like not even like Slim Gems. I'm like

not into that.

Yeah. I'm like, "Oh,

I don't maybe like I've just always

attributed it to like a gas station

snack of something that I'm like, oh,

like I like

Yeah.

But even when I ate meat, I probably

didn't like

I didn't eat meat in the way where I'm

like, I need

meat

meat

from a gas station. No, I've never No.

No. I've never been hard up enough that

I've wanted gas I have been hard up

enough that I've wanted gas station

coffee.

M,

but not gas station meat.

Mhm. That has been my line.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, I don't know. He fingers are in the

shower.

All right.

My notes then say they make good use of

the shower stool. They're

firmly in this cottage at this point.

They wake up on Christmas morning.

Michael's making breakfast and it's just

like the perfect snow in

French toast or whatever.

Yeah. Like Christmas morning. They talk

about their family traditions and like

she talks about how her grandma taught

her to bake and how like her grandma had

this like beautiful brass table setting

that was like really meaningful to them

in the holidays and like had candles

that would spin.

And he's like, "We'll find one before

next Christmas." And like she's like,

"Oh, next Christmas. Okay, this has

longevity." I'm like, "This man is

apparently fully in love with you, and I

understand your uncertainty about this

given that you didn't know him last

week."

She's like, "He needed a hooker while he

was in Canada." She's like, "I Yeah."

While they're eating breakfast, my notes

just say, "Her moans are too distracting

around the delicious food." So, he whips

off the apron and starts stroking

himself.

Then, he's like, "Come here, baby cakes,

and sit on Santa's dick.

And then there's this like role play

about like her being like Mrs. Claus and

him being Santa.

He like rips open her like night gown

dress.

So her boobs are then exposed and then

the pancakes that he made, he had made

like a white chocolate sauce that he

then like drips over her boobs. You know

how I feel about food play. So sticky.

Yeah, it's I Yeah, we are texture

people. like both of us cuz I'm like I

don't have

sticky

warm. Yes.

Yeah.

Sticky.

No.

Less so.

Yeah.

Cuz he like pours the white chocolate

sauce on her tits and then it's like

feed them to me.

Like cup and present.

It does seem like her tits are large

enough that she can cup and present at

some

at some level. Did you ever in high

school I remember people were like, "Oh,

are your tits big enough to set them on

the table?" Do you remember doing that?

Cuz like a ton of people did that in my

high school.

Here's the thing. My tits have never

been big enough to ever be in the

running. So, no. I would never embarrass

myself by putting my mosquito bites on

the table like that. I really remember

more of like, "Yeah, you can rep. You

are the team representing Smut Club.

Thanks for caring

in the titty department. Yes, I got that

covered for everybody.

The weight on your back.

Yeah, it's a lot

literally and figuratively.

I more remember Angus songs and full

frontal snogging.

And it was like when can you tell if you

need a bra? And it was like you can tell

if you need a bra because when you lift

your boob up, if you like put a pencil

under it and then put your boob back

down, if the pencil stays, that lets you

know you need a bra. Yeah, it Yeah.

You know what I learned? A pencil didn't

stay and I still needed a bra to figure

out the mosquito bites that are my

family's blessing curse.

I don't know. They're boobs, man. I

don't need to judge my boobs for being

for not being big enough, not being

perky enoughfortable, you know.

Also,

my husband's going to be into boobs

regardless.

100%. Yeah,

it is okay if my boo like do I think I

have pepperoni nips every now and then

a bit.

Yeah.

You know who that doesn't bother at all?

My husband.

Yeah.

He has no [ __ ] to give about that.

So

several weeks ago when we were

recording, I had put on a top. I put on

my flannel as I usually do. I left my

house. I stopped at a gas station to pee

and I looked in the mirror and I was

like, "You can see everything. You can

see every bump and every curve." And I

was like, "H, good. Great." And so I

just like And I didn't I was like, "No

one's going to notice." But I kept like

closing it.

Yeah. Cuz I was like, "Guess who doesn't

need to see that?"

Anybody anywhere. Certainly not anybody

on

YouTube.

Yeah. Yeah. So I was like noted for that

top in the future.

Well, like a couple years ago we'd m we

bought matching Christmas pajamas for

the holidays

and Vance put on the pants and the pants

were so thin in a way that I like looked

at him and I was like you cannot wear

those pants in front of your family.

like he didn't want to wear them in

front of his family, but I was like, you

are one strong breeze away from no

secrets. Like that those are not like we

are not wearing those in front of your

nieces and nephew. Like no, this is not.

Yeah,

thank you for the personal show, but

like what? No,

you shouldn't be able to count the bumps

on my areola when I'm out in the world.

I was like, holy [ __ ] Cuz I had gone to

Engles. I had gotten gas. I had gotten c

like coffee from the Dunkin Donuts.

You shouldn't be able to tell if my lips

are tucked or dangly when I'm just

casually shopping.

Holy [ __ ] I am grateful I noticed

before I got to your house.

But I will say I do think that we have

an open enough relationship that if I

had concerns I would probably have

mentioned

Hey, let me get you a sweatshirt before

we start recording. It would have been

fine. Would have been absolutely fine.

So, also he's like, "Feed me your tits."

Right.

Okay.

And then she says to him, "Teach me a

lesson and fill me full."

All right.

At this point, they're just

What are we trying to learn?

How to [ __ ] at the Christmas morning

table? Cuz then the book says, "I slam

my hip for hips forward and do exactly

as she said, and I fill her to the brim

with my Christmas cream."

And I hated it, but needed to not hate

it alone.

So, thank you for hating it with me. I

can see from your face

we feel the same.

Yeah.

Is that peppermint flavored? I was going

to say the curious part of me wants to

know more about Christmas cream and the

uh self-protective part of me is

comfortable with the information I have.

So, thanks for that.

My Caucasian curiosity has been fully

reigned in in this moment

100%.

So, they Yeah, they are having their

breakfast. They're they fly out the next

day. She says that they should rent the

place again in the future, but then like

has a moment where she's like,

"I can't financially contribute towards

like this rental." And he can like tell

she's like getting a little like somber

and he's like, "Hey, like

what's this about?" And she's like,

"Well, like I" She's like, "My last

three paychecks bounced. My company went

under. I have no money to contribute.

like I don't like I am here because I

love you, but I also don't expect you to

suddenly like take me on as a financial

burden.

Um, but like I also can't contribute and

that bums me out is like where she's at

in this moment.

All I have to contribute is great tits

and a can do attitude and that's not

like I'm not expecting that to get me

that far.

I can't contribute try ice cream. We saw

how that went last time, right? Like

you heard about the Hawaiian punch. not

only did you hear about it, you tasted

it and told me it was the worst thing

you'd ever had in your entire life. Um,

and he is super like, "Hey, like what's

mine is ours now." And like, which is

like a little insane and ridiculous.

Let's let's be honest. But they also

he's like, "What if we like started a

foundation?" Because like she talks

about like even with like lowinccome

scholarships, I couldn't afford to go to

college. Like

Yeah. And so he's like, "What if we

started like a scholarship foundation?"

And she's like, "What? Like

you'd be into that idea?" And he's like,

"Yeah, like I love the idea of like

giving back. I just like don't haven't

really like had outlets to do it." So

just like they kind of start dreaming

about like what it would look like to

have a foundation and offer culinary

scholarships, which is

really adorable.

Yeah, that's nice.

There's now a a whole hot tub scene.

There's Santa and Mrs. Claus roleplay

again.

She blows him for the first time in

their three-day relationship.

Three-day relationship. Oh my god, I

forgot that it's only been 3 days. Okay,

I guess I'm not giving them enough

credit. It's been 4 days. 3 days of that

was filming.

Excuse the [ __ ] out of me.

Right. My bad.

All right.

So, the next morning, Christmas happened

yesterday. They [ __ ] in the hot tub

Christmas Eve, right? Not Christmas Eve.

Christmas Day,

right? It's now Boxing Day.

Sure.

They are back at the airport to fly to

Canada and they're getting a lot of

attention at the airport to the point

that like Michael's like,

you know, I told her I told her like,

"Yeah, like we get some." He's like,

"But this is like a lot like even for

me."

Yeah.

Um and so they're very aware of this,

but like okay, let's just like

what are we supposed to do? Yeah. Like

let's go to our gate. This is kind of a

weird energy. And so they go to a mini

mart in the airport to like get snacks

just before their flight and he hears

her gasp and they look over and they're

on the front cover of a tabloid

and like the caption is like while

Snowden and Bear Cove Chef Mike gets

more than a second bite out of

contestant Alice Hatter. Um more photos

on page eight. And then when they're

looking at them, like the photos are

like graphic, like blurred out, but like

them in the cabin together.

Yes.

Oh my god.

Like from like it's his back so you

can't see her boobs, but like when he's

like

licking the white chocolate off her

boobs, there's like a photo of like her

like sucking his dick in the like in a

way where I'm also like what like at

some level this would just be

irresponsible. And I think a tabloid

actually probably wouldn't publish some

of these photos because the blowback of

posting like a [ __ ] photo is

different than just like

here was this couple at the beach walk

like

Right.

Right. But also they're looking at the

photos and they're like this is a huge

invasion of privacy.

We look really hot in these photos if

we're being a little honest.

Yeah.

Yes. Like they're both horrified at the

invasion of privacy and like

we we could look worse,

right?

They land in Canada, so they're like,

"Okay, this is why we're getting all

this attention. These photos were

published in this tabloid." And a

producer picks them up and is taking

them to the hotel for

wherever they're doing Second Bite, New

Year's Eve. And like the producer makes

a joke, but like you guys sure know how

to make an entrance. And Alice is like,

"Yeah, like well like hopefully those

photos like didn't like cause too much

of an issue for like the show. I'd hate

for like that to be a problem." And

they're like, "Oh, hell no. Like

projected viewership just like

skyrocketed." And they're like,

"What?

Why would that skyrocket projected

viewership?" And they're like, "Oh,

because Pamela, the co-judge, is sick

and can't make judging." And we just

announced Alice as the co-judge for the

New Year's Eve special.

You want to do that, right? And that is

the end of Snowden Bite.

All right. All right. All right. So,

Alice has gone from unemployed with no

prospects to

essentially committed to someone who is

rich and famous and also now a judge on

the show that she just lost.

That's a great retelling. Thank you. I

will say at some point in New Year's

bite, maybe New Year's Eve bite, I

should double check that one. It

bite is what I'm going to call it. Um,

she does say that she only signed on to

cover for Pamela for this like special.

This is not a long-term commitment.

Yeah. She was like, I'm not like taking

her spot. I'm just doing this like as a

standin. And you're like, okay, well,

that feels slightly more logical, but

I'm also right there with you. were

like, "Yes, you you bombed the second

challenge where he said it's the worst

thing he's ever consumed."

He spit it out.

He spit it out. You're the only one who

got a second bite in this holiday

special, but enough that you guys are

like, "She should be the judge for the

New Year's Eve." You're like, "Wait,

what? If somebody ever spit out food

that I made, even not on TV, my soul

would leave my body."

Oh yeah. Like, oh my god.

Like, and I've made meals that I'm like,

this is not how I envisioned it. But

like, never to the point that I'm like,

you spit something out that I made,

right? We can save it with hot sauce and

cheese. Nobody panic.

Hot sauce and cheese can save a lot.

Most things. Yeah.

So, we now start the third book. The

third and final one. That's why I was

like I when I said we were doing three,

I saw the fear in your eyes, but like I

was like there's no need there's no need

for fear.

Nope. No need to panic.

Right. So Alice is facetiming with her

cousins who at this point

they're just like the ultimate Alice

hype women. It's like

they're like, "Yeah, we saw those

photos. How's huge dick Mike like doing

over there?" They start calling him HDM

like because they're like, "We saw the

photos. You We

That does not roll off the tongue.

We wish you and HDM a happy life

together." Yeah, you're right. Huge dick

mic does not roll off the tongue.

Big dick mic rolls better.

Yeah. I think it's the

H takes additional

like breath to

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

From like a speech therapy standpoint.

Uh something to consider. I also at one

point watched a Lin Manuel Miranda clip

where he was talking about how he writes

certain songs and that there are certain

letters that he tries to avoid using

because they take additional breath. So

he was like saying he like doesn't he

tries to like avoid hes like starting

things.

H I was like huh that that makes sense.

It does. But I never you know I've never

needed to think about it before.

That's a level of attention to detail

that I do not possess

1,000%. Which is why I did not write the

hit musical Hamilton

or In.

That's the only

That's the barrier.

If that hadn't been in your way.

Wow. The power you could hold in this

moment.

Exactly. You guys are lucky.

You guys are lucky.

This is for you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. So, as Alice is having this

conversation, like facetiming with her

cousins, Mike is like on the phone with

a private investigator

being like, "Where the [ __ ] did those

photos come from?"

Oh, okay. Okay. Okay.

Yes. And so, cuz his thought is also

like

that trip was not planned. It was

a last minute thing, which means someone

had to have known

this isn't safe.

Yeah. So, he's like, "Who put them up to

taking photos?" was cuz someone had to

like orchestrate this at some level

and she's like, "Oh, you know, like

touche. Hadn't really considered that,

right?

I'm just, you know,

a regular person."

Yeah. This was not my third paycheck had

bounced last week. That was all I was

focused on. And now my life on Boxing

Day, I'm the judge of a

well-known, reputable reality baking

competition.

global if we're or at least North

American.

I mean, that might have to do with COVID

filming restrictions.

Oh, okay.

Cuz Ink Master at one point started

filming in Canada,

huh?

Mhm.

Okay.

Which I was curious about that,

which I was also like, you'd think

Canada had more stringent rules around

it. So, I would be I'm like, because

half of Americans thought that the

pandemic was a hoax.

So,

well, that's a whole different

conversation, isn't it?

So, right as like sexy time is like

about to ensue after their phone calls

in, there's a knock on the door and it's

G the stylist.

Okay.

Who is coming in

in a whirlwind? She's like, "You got a

promo shoot in 5 minutes.

Mike, here's your standard black

buttonup. Roll the sleeves. You know how

to do that. Here's your dark jeans.

Here's your shoes. Here's your exact

uniform that you've worn for every

single episode we've ever filmed of this

[ __ ] show. Here, Alice. Here's all of

the clothes I've got for you. I

eyeballed your sizes, but I have

everything in a size up and a size down

depending on your comfort. But we got to

move. You're like, "Okay, she's a bit of

a badass in this." Gene knows what she's

about.

Yes, 1,000%.

I just have to say, I'm putting all of

this in the context of Great British

Breaking Show. This whole entire time

I've been doing that, and I'm like, "Oh,

yeah." Like the host of The Great

British Baking Show, Null Fielding,

constantly comments on Paul Hollywood's

double denim.

Always with the double denim because

partly because he's colorb blind and so

he just always does double denim.

Do you remember that time we had a

co-orker who was color blind and our

bosses didn't know he was color blind?

And there was that one spreadsheet that

we were just supposed to like up

depending on where they were in the

stage, you were just supposed to update

it to like a different shade of green,

which was the dumb like none of us could

remember like the four shreadsheet

didn't matter. The task didn't matter

why we were high. I was like, "What?

This is the stupidest thing ever." But

the day that they found out that he was

colorblind,

the horror on their faces. And the one

was like, "I just thought you kept

choosing different colors of green to be

sassy." And he's like, "No, I was just

trying my best.

I can't see it.

I wasn't trying to cause problems. I'm

so sorry." And everybody was like, "Oh,

oh yeah." Like, like in a way, like one

one of our bosses at that time, I

remember like you could see the wheels

turning on her head where she was like,

"Is this an HR issue at this point?"

like, "No, we just"

She's like, "Does this count as a

disability? What have I done?" Like,

"Okay, chill out." She's going to the

ADA website and we're like, "Hey,

like, thank you for being so

accommodating.

One, this task was it's like, who's

like, whose line is it anyway?" Like,

the rules are made up and the points

don't matter. This task is the dumbest

thing ever. We no one should be doing

this. and the the shades of green were

just a silly way to do it to begin with.

So recently,

um, at one of the facilities that I have

worked PR in at, therapists have like

spreadsheets where they track their case

loads.

Yeah.

And they each kind of color coordinate

however they want to cuz it's their own

thing. And one of them was like, "Do you

see what I did?" and she like pulled up

her spreadsheet and it was like red,

green, yellow, and purple. And I was

like, "No, I I don't see it." And she

went,

"It's the flags for the safety of like

beaches." She's from Florida. She was

like, "I've been doing this for 2 years,

and I just realized last week that

that's what I've been doing." She's

like, "Safe to get in. Proceed with

caution. unsafe to get in. Dangerous

marine life. What have I done?

But I'll also say you and I are Florida

girlies. We grew up in it. Like never.

She was like, "Do you see it? Do you see

the flag?" And I was like, "What country

has red, yellow, green, and purple?

I'll have to Google." And she's like,

"It's the ocean." It's

Yeah, I would have lost that trivia game

100%.

I would have assumed it was a very small

African country I'd never heard of

before.

Like I had an economics professor once

that had a sweater on and he was he gave

like Mitch Hedberg energy. Call back to

our last episode where he seemed like he

was pretty stoned most of the time. And

like

I think that is the only energy anyone

is ever implying when they say Mitch

Hedber energy.

Yeah.

Faded. So he's like going through his

PowerPoint and he'd randomly be like,

"Here's a cat." To make sure everybody's

paying attention and like go through and

at the end he was like, "Anybody know

what flag is represented by my sweater?

It's extra credit." And everybody's

like, "The fuck?" And he goes, "That's

right. Ghana."

That was the end of class.

He's just this white guy in his early

30s.

That's right. Ghana.

What?

His energy feels very similar to when

one of my ethics credits in undergrad

was for a class called ethics and pop

culture,

which was a fascinating class that I

probably didn't appreciate enough at the

time. I also don't think the professor

appreciated it enough at the time. Like

at one point we all had to do a

presentation on the song we wanted

played at our funeral,

which was fascinating.

Yeah. I don't know what song I would

want played at my funeral.

Yeah. Like over a slideshow. Think of

that. Like there's a slideshow photos of

you. What song do you want playing to

represent you?

That's dark, but I like it.

Oh yeah. And

I don't remember I only remember one

song. I don't remember anyone else's

song except one girl in the class and

her song was Missindependent by Neo and

her whole explanation was cuz I'm really

independent and I was like that was your

whole presentation. I do remember when I

presented I chose a Nickel Creek song

and I got oddly emotional in a way that

like I didn't expect thinking about my

own impending like but I like got a

little tearful during this presentation

and all I really remember about that

class outside of that is that

our professor cancelled our final,

bought us all pizza and we watched

Scrooged.

Like that was our final for this class.

Yeah, that's the same energy. That's

100% the same energy.

Yes. I like it a lot. Oh, no. The other

thing I There was another song that I

remember because another girl, her song

that she chose that she wanted played at

her funeral was Crossroads by Bone

Thugs.

And I looked over and as the song cuz we

just listened to the full song for every

single person. I look over, our [ __ ]

white ass professor knew every single

word for like just sitting in the corner

of this portable on the community

college campus just vibing his ass out

and I was like

this is a joke. Like what is this life?

This is not real life.

I had to do a presentation in grad

school for like our career counseling

class or something and it was like you

can do whatever you want but you need

like a visual representation of your

like resume basically like or something.

I forgot

that I had that assignment. And so the

morning of I went all around my

apartment in East Atlanta and just

started grabbing [ __ ] and throwing it

in. And I was like, I can make it work.

So I pull out a spatula. I'm like, I

worked at a diner and I like did a whole

thing, right? It's in a birthday bag. I

did XY. I don't even remember what the

birthday bag represented, but I had all

these different things.

Yeah, but the symbolism was spot on in

the mountain.

100%. I was like colored pencils. I

worked at a daycare. I'm like doing the

whole thing.

And afterwards,

somebody came up to me. He was like this

really sweet, like really nice guy who

wear who wore like a news boy hat all

the time and suspenders. He was one of

those guys.

I know the type.

You know the guy.

And he goes, "Has anyone ever told you

that you should be a comedian?"

Comedian.

Just like that.

That's how he said it. Comedian.

He did. and I will remember that for the

rest of my life. I was like, "No, Billy.

No one has ever told me that. Thank you

so much." He was like, "You should

really consider it. You're excellent."

And I was like, "Thanks."

Okay. And the suspenders reminded me of

when my best friend of like 20 years

text me and said, "How do you feel about

handlebar mustaches?"

And I went,

"It really depends." on Sam Elliot or on

a 27year-old

Dag. And then her response was just,

"I'll ask if he likes cats." And I was

like, "No, we don't.

No need to put those feelers out on my

behalf, friend."

But then, ironically, that dude

was in a like comedy improv class with

another girl I knew cuz I was like, "Why

do I have a mutual friend with him?" I

was like, "Haley, how do you know him?"

She's like, "He's in my improv class."

And I was like, "That

this man with the with the handlebar

mustache."

Makes sense.

Yeah, it does feel accurate to this

moment. All right. So, also back to

where we were in this book. Wherever the

third book, wherever we were.

Uh, so

she's the new judge.

She's the new judge. Stylist. Yes. Uh,

and photos of them, like the photos even

from the promo shoot like are going

viral very quickly. Like people are

shipping them as a couple

so hard. They're like, we all felt that

tension. We are all here for them. Which

I'm like, okay. So, I guess that's the

only way that we're just going to like

overlook the fact that she's in no way

qualified to be a judge on this show.

because maybe I'm stuck on the wrong

details, but I'm a little fixated on

that if I'm being honest.

So then we just like cut to Michael's

perspective and it's a very short

chapter where he is like signing

something and is like, "I need it in two

days." And the jeweler's eyes widen and

he's like, "Two?" And Michael's like,

"Yes, two days.

You heard me."

Yeah. So like that's that whole scene

and interaction.

All right.

We're now at the first day of of filming

for the New Year's Eve special.

cameras start rolling and much like the

holiday special, this one is airing live

and

when like they look out and Alice is

like, "Oh, that's weird." Like the the

contestants aren't already out here and

normally they're already like at their

stations. And then Joey announces he's

like, "Surprise, we're doing celebrity

contestants."

And Michael's like, "The what? Like, why

didn't I This is my show. Like, why

didn't I know we were doing celebrity

contestants?" And so they're they're

introducing the contestants like one at

a time and like an act like a super like

hot actor comes out then a comedian

comes out and Alice is like giving her

commentary to Michael and she's like oh

my gosh I love them and he's like this

is adorable but I should remind her that

like these are hot mics if like like all

of the commentary she's giving people

can hear as these people are coming out.

And so there's an actor and this

comedian and then a singer and then a

soap opera actress named Amber. And

Michael is not thrilled about this

because the soap opera star happens to

be his ex-girlfriend. And he did not

know that Amber was going to be a

contestant on this. So he's like, "What

the actual [ __ ] Why is she here?"

Lovely.

Yes. And so as they're going around and

like making the rounds and asking each

of the contestants what they're making

for the competition,

Amber's like very much trying to make it

clear and make it known that she's like,

"Oh, so I'm making this like orange

spice cake. Like it'll it might be

cheating, but you'll probably recognize

it since it is your recipe after all."

And like saying things like that. And

Alice is like, "Oh, his recipe." And

she's like, "Oh, yeah, we used to date."

like and Alice is not loving this. It's

happening in real time, but there is a

funny moment where Alice is like, "Oh my

gosh, I love you on like I don't know. I

forget what the show's called. General

Hospital or I'm going to say Days of Our

Lives just to say one, but she's like,

"Oh my gosh, I love you. I loved you on

Days of Our Lives. I watched it all the

time growing up." Like something like

that.

And so then when like Al's like, "Oh, so

like when did you like learn this like

orange spice recipe?" And she's like,

"Oh, probably when you were a kid."

Haha. Like that kind of just like

awkward barbs happening

in real time. Yeah.

Yeah. When it's like cheating and making

a rescue, but but at least I know you'll

like it.

Like what? Like how did you think this

was going to go?

Yeah. Just throwing that out there. Um

Michael is like realizing this is not a

great moment. Wants to talk to her.

Yeah. But also

airing live. cameras are still going.

And so he's like when they're done at

Amber station, he's trying to like back

Alice up like towards like the

refrigerator so like they can have a

conversation.

And so he like points at his mic and

she's like, "No, I know." And he's like,

"Okay." She like she gets it like what

I'm trying to and she's like, "I know.

You're my Mr. Claus." And he's like

And he's like, "Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh

my god. No. No. No. That's not what I'm

trying to do right now.

And so he just like has to kiss her to

like get her to like stop talking.

Oh my god.

It's fine. It's fine. Everything's fine.

It's fine.

It's not fine. Oh my god. Poor Alice.

She was not designed for this world.

She bless her. She was not. And so like

he like backs up enough to be like the

mics they can hear everything. And she's

like, "Oh, okay. I get it now. Okay."

Like, "Oh, I got it. I got it. I got

it."

Yeah. The moment the moment she needs

and so like they're making it through

judging. And when they get to Amber,

she's actually like the one who

spearheads it and she's super

complimentary. She's like, "Oh, this

cake is so good. Like I really taste

that orange. Like what's this note

here?" And Michael's like she's really

holding it together well for like what

this is. And you can tell like Amber's

also like

taken a back a little bit.

Yeah. That Alice is so kind and

complimentary.

So after recording that day, Michael is

immediately ready to bone her because,

you know, he's been trying to bone her

but like they had to do that promo

shoot. There just hasn't been nearly

enough time for [ __ ] down as he would

prefer. And

they were wearing mics. I mean, they

have known each other for 5 days total

at this point.

Yeah.

And three of those days were filming,

right?

They've had limited options.

Um,

let's just say when they end up boning

that night,

there's double vaginal penetration, but

it's his finger,

which is like not a scene that like I

actually I feel like that's the first

time I've seen that written.

Yeah. maybe ever, if not in a really

long time. But like he slides a finger

in with his dick.

All right. Like, you know, way to get

double vaginal penetration

in a monogous relationship.

Sure. Without toys, without a mal. Yeah.

Ara,

we're cultured in [ __ ] You get it.

Are we cultured in [ __ ]

No. Are we

so after this double vaginal digital

penetration? I don't know. I don't know

what words specifically

because I do feel like you have to add

additional clarifiers when you say

double vaginal penetration,

right? Cuz you assume a second dick.

Yeah. So like no digital.

Sure. Okay.

Yes.

Yeah.

That's why I'm adding adjectives along

the way.

So Allison ends up calling like room,

they debrief their day. Allison's ends

up like calling room service for dinner,

but like Michael's like, "I need to go

talk to production and be like, "What

the [ __ ]

Why were these celebrities here?" Yeah,

I need to talk to my manager about like

why I like wasn't aware of all this

stuff. Like

none of this is is great. And she like

falls asleep on the couch waiting for

him. And then when he's like carrying

her to bed, she's like, "Why do you

smell like vanilla?" And he's like, "Cuz

I'm a baker." And she's like, "Okay."

And just like falls asleep like Just

there are sweet moments amidst the

moments when you remember they don't

know each other at all.

Right. And you're like stranger danger,

right? Well, so okay, it's now the next

day.

Okay.

So, it's the second competition again.

So, they start filming. It's live

airing. And when they announce what the

second competition is, they go, "Okay,

today's challenge is ice cream."

And Michael's like,

"That's mean. It was supposed to be

cheesecake.

That's me.

Like, what the [ __ ] This was supposed

to be cheesecake.

When did this get changed? Why wasn't

this run by me? Like, this is not cool

by any stretch of the imagination.

And so, when they're going around and

doing the rounds and they get to

Amber's, Amber, she's making a chai ice

cream, isn't she?

With a cinnamon filling.

That [ __ ] is like one for one.

And Alice is like

being real cool about it. And here's the

thing. Amber nails the snowmen.

She made snowmen out of them, too. Oh,

yeah. She did the whole She made the

gingerbread hat, but instead of doing a

jello- scarf, she did like a fondant

scarf. So, like it was like more of like

a non-issue. Wouldn't melt over into it.

But yes, nails this dessert that like

Alice bombed last week

and Michael while judging it is like

it's good but also like

I hope for the third challenge you're

going to make something original because

we do judge on originality and

right

you already like vocalized you made my

recipe for the last episode. You are

clearly like doing what Alice intended

for this one. So like cuz he's he's like

over my dead body will she be winning

the show? He's like Alice if Alice

didn't win Amber sure [ __ ] isn't

winning. He's like but I need everyone

to like understand why Amber's not going

to win.

Right. It's not just that like she's my

ex and she's being a bit of a [ __ ]

about it. It's also like she is not

bringing her own recipes or putting her

own spin on things like Yeah.

But also Alice being like, "Oh my gosh,

this is so good. This is exactly what I

intended. Like

Alice, shut the [ __ ] up.

No, like in like a sweet like Amber like

can't say anything bad about it, right?

Like Alice even like cuts an extra slice

of the ice cream like cake before she

walks away and she's like, "It's good.

I'm never going to make it again, so

like may as well enjoy it." Like,

and Michael's like, "Yeah, why don't we

just all like why don't we each grab

like an extra slice of everyone's cake

and that'll be lunch." like and is the

energy he's trying to give just amongst

this like [ __ ] show, right?

And so that night they have another

sweet moment where they're just like

talking about like the cooking classes

that they like want to offer and so how

like they could do that

foundation.

Yes. And well and he's like Yeah. He's

like, "We could do like 10k ahead." And

so if we have like four stations and

each of them have two, so that's like

eight stations, so that's 80K minus like

the overhead. And she's like, "You think

people will spend $10,000 to come learn

from us?" And he's like, "Yeah,

absolutely. People will spend $10,000

for like this private lesson." He's

like, "That would give us like almost a

million dollars if we do it in multiple

cities, like get our to be able to

start." He's like, "Then we could figure

out how we want to split up. Like, do we

want to do 10k scholarships? Do we want

to just cover it in full?" And it's just

really sweet to like

Yeah.

watch them daydream about real things

that aren't [ __ ] since they once

again don't know each other.

Yeah.

And when she falls asleep that night, he

once again cuts to him. He is sneaking

downstairs like has a key to like the

hotel kitchen and is working on

something.

Okay.

Yes.

So, it's not the final competition.

We're really moving amongst these these

three boys, right? It's good. And the

final competition, they're all making

their final cakes and desserts. That's

now the final judging of those one

contestant and he's like, "Okay." He's

like, "Well, I I made it to like look

like the New Year's Eve like ball

that'll get dropped." So, he's like,

"Here's the sparkler for New Year's Eve,

but like lights the sparkler." And it

just like shoots off. Like the whole

cake is charred. Like a flame is like on

Alice's like blouse. So, like Michael

starts like freaking out that she's on

fire.

They're like, "Do you want to try the

cake?" And they're like, "No,

no, it's all that is charred. We're good

on that front.

It's no longer edible. Thank you so

much."

And so then when they like when they get

to Amber's, Alice like looks over as

Michael like about to take a bite and

sees him smirk and she's like, "What's

he like happy about?" She's like, "It's

curdled. She [ __ ] the final dessert,

so she wouldn't have won anyway." So

like her and Michael are like very

gleefully

enjoying this like

sucks to suck [ __ ] like

one like Michael goes full like [ __ ]

judge where he's like this was curdled

but even if it wasn't curdled the

caramel was too salty and the like this

that and the other like

do better the end.

Yeah.

And so that is kind of where Amber's

journey ends in all of this. They

announced the winner of the show, which

was what's not the one with the sparkler

or the curdle cheesecake ex-girlfriend.

Mhm. I forget it was the singer. I

forget what her name was. It's really

not relevant. But the cameras are still

going live after this. So instead of

just like stopping airing when they

normally would at this point after

announcing the winner,

Michael's like, "Hey Joey, like help me

out with the next stage." So Joey goes

over and turns on like one of the

monitors on the wall and it's the PI

like is live streaming in and he's

confronting

the manager

because the PI was able to piece

together that the manager has been

behind the

uh the celebrity contestants that

Michael wasn't aware of. aware of uh his

ex-girlfriend being cast that he wasn't

aware of, aware of the ice cream instead

of cheesecake competition that he wasn't

aware of. And he did also facilitate the

photos being taken and

stolen cuz he booked the cabin, right?

Like when they got diverted,

right? So he would have been the only

one who knew they were there.

And like apparently the photographer was

very willing to just be like, "Yeah,

here's every email." Like

sure,

yeah, no problem.

I have no skin in the game. Like I took

the photos, but don't

you didn't need a PI. You just could

have shot me a text, bud.

That's pretty good.

He wasn't hiding it that well.

Just the basic log to his Hotmail

account could have yielded these

results.

So, Michael fires him very publicly

while this is all airing. And like then

it's like, okay, on to the next stage

where he then wheels out

is Alice like what?

A little bit. Yeah. Yeah.

Cuz the next stage he wheels out a cake

that he's made that in like gold

lettering has like all of the random

nicknames. And honestly, Ann Hannah, we

had not even touched on the adjectives

of this book.

her

candy cane slit,

right? Like these are like No,

her mistletoe eyes. Her candy cane slit.

What are mistletoe eyes? Are they green?

She has green eyes. That's the gist of

it. You and I both got green eyes. My

husband's never called me mistletoe.

I was going to say if anybody ever

called me mistletoe eyes, I would be

like, "All right,

your eyes are too light to be mistletoe.

It's time for me to head out." No,

they're like a weird moss color. Like

a light moss. Somewhere between like

moss and celery.

I I didn't mean that as an insult. For

the record, in any way, shape, or form,

but I also realize that being Cody, you

have celery eyes. Like, you're not like,

"Wow, that's doing it for me."

I mean,

I don't know. I think I might prefer

celery to mistletoe.

Well, like you have lighter green. Like,

I do. I have darker green eyes. I feel

like if one of us had to have mistletoe

eyes.

Yeah.

I unfortunately and that's I'm like if

my husband's like, "Hey, mistletoe

eyes." I'd be like, "That is not a real

That doesn't roll off the tongue.

No part of that feels sexy."

So, did I ever tell you that when I was

also working for corporate for the

company that we worked with?

Yeah. at together. Somebody on one of

the like Google meets was like, "What

color are your eyes?" It was like

somebody from recruiting or something

was like, "What color are your eyes?

They look like a really pretty gray

color in the camera." And I was like,

"They're green." And she was like,

"They're so beautiful." And I'm sure she

wasn't that breathy and weird about it,

but I remember getting off that link and

being like, "I'm uncomfortable.

Why are your eyes so beautiful? I just

tried to put so much breath in that and

I didn't love it. No, it was awkward. It

was an awkward interaction.

Yeah. And I'm also thinking about all

the people who worked in recruiting in

that era and I'm like I could see it

unfortunately.

Mhm.

I could see it. Unfortunately, I also

have so I think I've told you this

before. Um, when we had a live like

leadership training years ago when I was

pregnant, I was having crazy pregnancy

dreams and there was a girl in

recruiting who was at the live training

with all of us and she was a prominent

star in my my pregnancy dreams. Like

every morning I would come down and be

like, "So last night you were on the

stripper pole. You were wearing a black

and purple

tiger print

bodycon dress." These were the updates I

was giving her. And apparently that has

spread like through recruiting now cuz

there was another person in recruiting

that I recently met who was like, "Oh my

gosh, I just heard how much of a good

time you were at that training." And

someone else went, "Well, I should hope

not. She was heavily pregnant." And then

what he was referencing was the the

pregnancy dreams that I I was like, "Oh,

this is such a weird thing to be known

for." I was like, "I don't love this at

all.

Well, it's like I can still be fun and

pregnant, you [ __ ] weirdos. To be

fair, I probably wasn't fun. And like at

one point they were like, "Hey, we're

all going out to the bar. Do you want to

come with us?" And I was like, "Not

really." And they were like, "Well, this

other person is coming." Who was like

due a month before me? So she was I was

like 7 and 1/2 months pregnant.

You were very pregnant.

I was very pregnant. So she was very

very pregnant. And we're like, "Well,

she's coming with us." And I went, "Oh,

I love that for her." And that really

doesn't change that I have no [ __ ]

interest in this at all. Like, no. I

Okay, you guys have fun.

Do you see how swollen my ankles are? I

don't need to go watch other people get

drunk. Like, that does not sound fun.

Okay. Anyway,

so all of Yes. The mistletoe comes out.

Yes.

It doesn't say candy cane slit on the

cake, but it's all the different things

he's called her throughout this.

Baby cakes.

Yes.

Yeah.

Absolut baby cakes. Mistletoe eyes.

all of the random things. And on top of

the cake, he has found the like brass

table setting thing that her grandma

had. And then there's a ring on that. So

that is how he is proposing. Um and then

he's like, and then we're we're getting

married on New Year's Eve.

Um which is, you know, like a couple

days later cuz it's the week after

Christmas.

And they get married on New Year's Eve.

her cousins walk her down the aisle.

They dress up in tuxes for the occasion.

Um, I love her cousins. They just have

ultimate hypewoman energy.

Very fun.

Yeah. And then

the balcony of their like penthouse

hotel room has like a dome to keep them

protected from the elements. Um, and so

they bone in the dome while watching the

fireworks for New Year's Eve.

Cool.

Um, so that's epilog one. And then all

right, epilog 2 is 3 months later.

They're like officially launching their

foundation and have posted like the go

live for booking the inerson

training things and uh all of the

tickets for like the Minneapolis one get

snapped up by like different couples and

when you're like reading like oh this

couple this couple this couple you're

like oh these are all the couples and

characters from the Alliance series.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And so all of them are booking this

culinary lesson to support a good cause.

And that is the end of

all three books

in the entire Bite series.

What a whirlwind romance.

It really was.

And yes, we have to suspend belief in

some places, but there is something just

like the first full sentence this man

says to her is, "It's just dessert.

Don't cry baby cakes." You're like,

we are already throwing out the nickname

in our first sentence ever to her.

I'm I'm here for this level of like this

is the ridiculousness I'm looking for

right now. Like I don't need this.

This is the level of like fully scent

that we need.

Yes.

Entering 2026.

SJ Tilly is the modern JS Scott.

I love that. I was about to say SJ

Scott, then realized that was incorrect.

Damn it, Jan. Um, I think I've told you

before. I can't remember if I have said

it on the when we've been recording

before, but uh, one of the first things

my husband ever texted me.

We had just started talking, like just

just started talking.

Yeah. He just run his hand down your

back. You get it? Yeah, I get it. It

might have been like on Facebook like

like Messenger. I don't think we had

even exchanged numbers yet or anything.

And we were messaging like, "Hey, like

what are you up to?" blah blah blah. And

he was like, "Oh, I'm making enchilada

casserole." Cuz he's actually a pretty

good cook. And I was like, "Oh, that

sounds that sounds pretty good."

And he responded, "It'll make your

butthole burn, but you'll beg for more."

And then he went, "Oh my god, I am so

sorry."

And I was like, "I would like to date

this person." I was like, "That's so

good.

Have I never told you?

You've never told me that?" And I love

that your immediate reaction was, "I

need to know more about this man."

Yeah. I was like, "Jokes on you. I'm

into that shit."

See, that was the line that worked for

you. And hi, my name is Alice was the

line that worked for Michael. In

fairness to me, I had known him for like

3 or 4 months. We just hadn't really

spoken in depth. It had all been

professional up to the butthole moment,

which would be a way to break that

barrier.

That barrier, not break the ice, just

break that barrier. I see.

So, what's our rating system this way?

Snowmen.

Yeah, snowmen feel

easy. Obvious for our hundth episode.

Should we go out of a hundred snowmen?

Yes.

Okay. Complete with

But these are Alice. These are Alice's

snowman, not Amber's snowmen, which

means these are the worst thing that

Michael has ever consumed in his entire

life. But there are a hundred of them.

Um,

I think here's the thing. We could like

there are different rubrics, right? Like

just like

silly joy far higher than like

right

actual

literary content

and plausibility.

Sure.

Yeah. Um, so if we average those scores,

I'm going to say like 60.

Okay.

50 or 60 snowmen.

Okay. Okay.

Yeah. like had a great time reading it.

It was exactly what I needed holiday

novellas to be. I liked that there were

three so I still felt like I was like

reading several holiday books and it all

still felt like a cohesive

right narrative.

Yeah, narrative all at the same time. So

I am going to say 50 to 60. I'm not

going to give a specific number within

there. It's just a general 50 to 60

snowmen with gingerbread hats who

unfortunately have Hawaiian punch mixed

into their cinnamon chai

flavor.

Sure.

Yeah. As a listener, I well a

participant but also someone who didn't

read it.

I was thinking like 60ish.

Yeah.

Yeah. That feels that feels right.

Yeah. Like it's ridiculous in some ways,

but like also the ridiculousness is like

what brings the comfort of it. Yes.

Right.

So like great, easy, fun holiday read

for sure.

60 snowmen there. I solidified a number.

60 out of a hundred snowmen

that are the worst thing Michael ever

tasted. But the 60 there there's a lot

of them. It can't be that bad.

Yeah, there that's a lot. That is a lot

of snowmen.

That is a lot of snowmen.

So many [ __ ] snowmen in reality.

I don't know what I would do if I walked

outside and there were that many snowmen

in my yard. I would panic. Who's doing

that in my yard? That feels like a

threat. Like

that many snowmen is a threat.

That many in your yard that you did not

make absolutely is a threat. Um let us

know how many snowmen you would rate

this series. Thank you for being on this

journey with us for 100 episodes.

Yeah. Thank you guys for It's okay if

you haven't listened to all hundred. It

still counts that you're on this journey

with us.

It absolutely counts. We have a lot of

fun doing this and I'm glad we get to

share it with people. So,

yes.

Yeah.

I hope that this also brings you joy. I

hope that your holiday season has been

lovely. I hope that you have a gentle

and restful start going into your 2026

and that your year has ended with some

kindness. Yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

So, all that said, we can't wait to see

y'all in the new year.

Mhm.

Until then,

merry everything, smut [ __ ] Bye, smut

puppies.

Well, that's it for this week, smut

[ __ ] We hope it was good for you, cuz

it sure was great for us. If you're

digging what we're doing, it would mean

a lot if you'd take a minute to rate and

review the show wherever you're

listening right now. Maybe tell that

sexy someone to lend us an ear. We love

you. We appreciate you. And we'll see

you next week. Stay smiley.