Smut Club

well

hello all you beautiful people

you know what time it is

ladies and gents

guys and dolls and everyone in between

gather round

get you something real nice to sip on

and comfy to slip on

because it's time

for smut club

here's your hosts chelsea and hannah

[Applause]

[Music]

welcome to smut club hey everybody i'm

chelsea and i'm hannah um

we are two licensed therapists

who

read a lot of smut

and enjoy it

like

all right i thought i did well last year

i read 204 books in 2021 um and i'm

pretty sure you put my numbers to shame

how many

it was over 300 right it was it was 339.

how like do you sleep no no i don't

good question i do not sleep thank you

for asking the answer is no

next question

i

[Laughter]

brandon why are you crying right now

brandon is if you hear a dog or a cat in

the background we

are recording this in my dining room

breakfast nook i don't know what the

technical term is

um

but we have a

dog who like

what the [ __ ]

have a dog named brandon who has no

boundaries and we have a cat named craig

who also has no boundaries but is

quieter about his lack of boundaries

true true and you know we talk about

boundaries as therapists and also

because people lack them and smut all

the time they do they do

like

there are so many characters that i'm

like i feel like you're looking for

fulfillment in each other yeah and maybe

see a therapist and then circle back to

this relationship i'm not saying like

leave the relationship i'm just saying

let's maybe learn some healthier

ways to engage in this relationship but

also i don't know if like blood play and

proper boundaries go together you know i

guess they do you do need boundaries

around blood play i mean technically

like if you're doing it right

yes you know

if you're doing it right don't worry

about it but the point is that i i think

that

some people think that the lack of

boundaries or the intentional crossing

of them is hot in some way and so

that's like the majority of smut

is like pushing it

you know that's valid mm-hmm

and yet it doesn't stop us from reading

it in excess

yep and so

welcome to this new journey that we're

on where we come and we talk about smut

and

our experiences of it we figured we'll

like review a book or two an episode and

like see where we

land see what our thoughts are um

because there's just like a wide world

of smut to be discovered there is and i

recently

speaking of the wide world somehow

started reading like alien smut

and it was

a lot

but i couldn't stop

so i just like is it weird that you said

alien smut in my head i just like saw

the word probe in huge letters and i was

like

i imagine that that's a part of it it

was yes you're correct

um there's also a lot of like genetic

mutations and kidnapping and just you

know abduction it's not kidnapping when

it's aliens it's abduction to be clear

aliens the deciding line between

kidnapping and abduction i think so yes

i mean i'm not an attorney

you know i'm not up on the legal

definitions

but i feel like aliens are the deciding

factor between the two

well so not alien smut but i was

recently telling a friend about feral

sins which i'm sure will review at some

point um

and i was like telling them like the

premise of this book and there's

werewolves in it and yes i do struggle

with saying the word wolf and we're just

going to own that now

so it's a werewolf and we're just going

to move on with our lives do you want me

to just say it every time do you want to

give me like a wink

so this book is about

werewolves oh i don't think that's gonna

last

but so i'm like i'm telling her all

about this book

and

actually it's like me my husband her her

husband were all sitting there they're

all laughing at my retelling of this

book and then she's like yeah you know

chelsea like

if that's what you're into

and i just like paused for a second i

was like so i want to be clear

it's not woof

porn

like

it's it's human smut and they are also

shape shifters who can shift into a wolf

form it is not

or they can shift into a

werewolf

form

this is not sustainable it's not

i'm having fun with it though so just

whenever you want to do it it's cool

perfect

i i can't wait for the day that i like

think i'm knowingly giving you the look

and you're like i don't know what you're

asking

werewolf yeah she was like i was like oh

i really appreciated this friend being

really like yeah chelsea like if that's

what you're into and i was like i just

want to be clear this is not

woof smut

it is like

it's humans as well and she's like oh

i'm like i'm not this isn't like a

bestiality and she's like oh

and i was like jesus you know what i i

really i want to thank you for being so

accepting that that's what you thought i

was talking about and you're like yes

chelsea if that's what you're into and i

mean i guess for other people you know

if that is what you're into live your

truth sure um

i don't think i could do that

consistently and so i think i'm thinking

that through in the context of alien

smut and probing

and abduction it's not it's only

kidnapping if they stay on earth is that

the problem i don't uh

i think it has to be human on human

for it to be a kidnapping and

like outside

human on human

for kidnapping

you heard me

so

like if a vampire kidnapped someone oh i

apologize if a vampire takes someone

it's an abduction but if a human takes

someone it can happen listen okay if

it's an extraterrestrial

so not of this earth it is abduction

you know i guess the the phrase is alien

abduction it is no one is ever like i

was alien kidnapped exactly it doesn't

roll off a tongue is easy it doesn't i'm

a [ __ ] for alliteration i was gonna say

it's all about the alliteration like if

you can have alliteration you need to

have it

you know

really i think it makes life more fun

i would agree right i would agree

okay so what book

do you want to review today

um

let's do denim vipers to start oh damn

and who wrote denim vipers oh god damn

hold please oh i feel like i should know

this offhand and [ __ ] amongst yourself i

don't know this often i should know i

literally just reread it for the podcast

[ __ ]

don't worry about me

i feel like as soon as you say the name

i'm going to be annoyed with myself i'm

already annoyed with myself k a knight

i'm already yeah

damn it so let's we love k a knight we

did not mean to do you dirty like that

so sorry so sorry so let's take it from

the top so today i'm going to be

reviewing denim vipers by k.a knight

okay and what what sort of smut because

there's there's a lot of smut there is

there is

i i recently had to do some education

around the different kinds of smut for

an office mate of mine

um he made fun of me pretty relentlessly

at a lunch that we had where i disclosed

that i would be recording this podcast

and then a couple of days later he

texted me and said i'm so bored and i

was like i don't know what you want me

to do about that and he said throw me

some book wrecks knowing full well

knowing full well what sort of

recommendations he'd been getting yes

where he'd be getting sorry and i was

like okay okay

so

what

what are you in the mood for because i

have a lot of options here and he said

i didn't realize there were different

categories of harlequin

harlequin already makes us sound so much

classier it does we're not

so and just for all of you listeners at

home or whatever

uh this individual is a 29 year old man

who wears cardigans went to a very very

conservative christian college

and loves twilight that is the

individual that we're talking about here

asking me for book recommendations and

calling it harlequin

so

he was he said i didn't know there were

different options and i said something

along the lines of oh my sweet summer

child

we have

we have

uh

uh bully romance college romance

age girls hair reverse harem age gap we

have uh

mafia

we have i mean i just went through like

a bunch of paranormal paranormal um

high fantasy urban fantasy like i went

through the whole thing right

and he was like holy [ __ ]

uh mafia for sure and i said all right

uh

reverse harem or

like regular mafia and he said reverse

harem did he know what reverse harem

meant i don't know

i don't know

i don't think i was that specific in his

education regarding a river theorem uh

you're like listen i gave you the

general genres within this you can do

additional research you can't you can

only lead a horse to water hannah

exactly well and you're a white man i

feel like we've done enough hand-holding

at this point you know

so

[ __ ] we have

so

he says reverse harem and i was like den

of vipers easy

and about five minutes later i so i've

never read dennis viper's i don't think

i realized that was mafia it is reverse

heroin i love this so

mafia reverse harem and about five

minutes later he texted me was like do

you have anything with less sadism in it

and i was like um

so i feel like what he given i don't

know i've never met this man so i'm

gonna sound really judgmental because i

am really judgmental

i'm just gonna own that um but i feel

like knowing that he loves cardigans and

is like super into twilight huh

i would kind of assume like for him like

smut would be more of like a rom-com

with like a sex scene would be like that

wouldn't right that would still but

that's not what he asked me for no he

didn't have to force

a reverse harem book

and he got one he did he did i mean it's

not as bad as gangsters and guns in my

opinion so like you know

um

so yeah that's the book that we're going

with i did we did after some back and

forth wind up on four psychos

but so he stayed in reverse harem he did

he did um i also recommended the madison

kate series and a few other things but

we landed on four psychos

and i

forgot that that opens with an orgy in

the prologue

yep just that's why i was you're like oh

denna vipers is coming in a little too

hot for you let me recommend another

boat yeah because once you get into four

psychos this it's lighter on the smut

that is fair and heavier on the plot but

i

i just forgot that there was an orgy so

literally

four minutes later like i have the texts

to prove it

four minutes later he was like your

definition of smut and my definition of

smut are different and then two days ago

he came into my office and sat down and

he was like so uh

i'm gonna finish it all right i'm gonna

finish it but i'm gonna be totally

honest i got kind of bored

um as i was reading and i was like

really because like i thought the story

was pretty strong and he was like here's

the issue that i'm having

it opened

with a lot of sex and i was like all

right and then there wasn't any anymore

and my brain can't switch that fast and

so it just couldn't process the story

because it was stuck on the smut

i feel like yeah

so he's like hey so you're

you oversold

um actually not oversold you over

delivered you did it i did you you sold

it exactly as is i did but you over

delivered for what his expectations are

yes i did not meet expectations

yeah

so uh and then he got bored because

there was like there was too much sex

but then the lack of sex bored him yeah

like it feels like a goldilocks

situation it is so then i was trying to

think of like

what would be the perfect one then you

know i did recommend from blood and ash

for him because he's into twilight i

think he'll be into that and i keep

reminding him to read it i will probably

wind up reviewing from blood and ash

eventually but anyway that's not what

we're doing today identifiers and k

um

no

it does not have less sadism in it

so

okay

so

the premise for data vipers there's

these four dudes right and they run the

vipers which is the

the mafia right like this big crime

syndicate and they also have a lot of of

what city is the same

so it's never outright stated but it is

definitely england so i'm feeling like a

london sort of vibe

um

but it's never stated that it's an

actual city

and there are going to be spoilers

there's always

we can't review these books without

spoilers we can't plot twist they have

sex

yes we know you didn't see that coming

very true very true um and indented

vipers once it starts it does not stop

so there's these four dudes there so

honestly your co-worker should have

continued with it because the other book

started with sex and then i know that he

got bored i know

although there is a lot of blood play in

denim viper spoiler again this whole

thing is going to be spoilers so if

you're not into it just just

fast forward or turn it off or something

so

or just like read the review of the book

online and sure don't listen

yes also one of my favorite pastimes

just as an aside is to read the reviews

for these books because they're

magnificent

people either

adore these books or they hate them

so passionately that they decide to

write like more in peace about it okay

so i don't know if if you feel this way

but we both read a decent amount of

books throughout the year and i feel

like

smut it does tend to be pretty

polarizing like people are either like

yeah this book slaps or they're like

this book is the worst why would anyone

read this garbage

but i also like i feel like there's like

the like

everyone rates them and reviews them

that way but i also feel like there's a

wide amount of books that you're like

this is essentially the same book

written by like 20 authors yes with

they're all named

aidan black yes yes they're all named

aiden black and the girl is always like

sarah you know

it's like all right okay all right it's

always sarah or it's like katie or

something like a nickname for like

like i just read a book and

her name was truvy

and she went by true

truvi like the low calorie sweetener

oh no that's truvia sorry

you know you know my my twin daughter is

stevia and truvia

i'm sorry i believe truvia is the brand

name for stevia all right is that true i

have no idea

i was like oh [ __ ]

i'm learning it sounded right though so

okay so

denim vipers we have these four guys

they run this crime syndicate but in the

opening chapter

so it switches perspectives which i like

a lot um because it can get stale when

it's like just from the woman's

perspective or just from the man's

perspective it can get kind of like

is it just duel or is it like it's a

girl on all okay it's all five and it's

a long book um

i don't remember exactly how many pages

it is but it's one of the longer ones

that i read last year and um so

it opens the first chapter is told from

uh

one of the

guys and he is the like [ __ ] crazy

one like there's always one in a reverse

harem that is just off the goddamn

rocker but they're always like oh watch

out for that one like he's not stable

always yeah like why do you [ __ ] with

him in the first place exactly why have

all of you normalized this behavior so

this is the one this is the one his name

is diesel all right

i'm

this is me being shocked i know y'all

can't see it but color me organized his

name is implored also this book i just

looked up it was 654 pages thank you i

was thinking around 700 so i was close

so

and they are torturing this guy like it

opens straight up with them torturing

this guy who apparently owes them money

and so they're like cutting them up and

diesel's super into it like getting hard

about it right

because he's the crazy one so he's the

one who's like crazy and a boner he is

over there he is yes so they are

uh

trying to do like punish him essentially

for not paying them the money that he

owes and then he's like just take my

daughter

and they're like uh what

and he's like yeah she owns a bar over

on the south side like

just go get her

so casual and flippant pretty much sorry

i can't pay my debts but you know

what might

cancel out my debts is i have a daughter

that

i'm a 24 year old daughter a hot 24 year

old daughter yeah okay just go get her

so that's the first chapter right and

so it's all from diesel's perspective

and he's like eating eating uh crisps

since they're british he's like eating

crisps

and rubbing himself while they're

torturing this guy like it like we're

coming in i have no idea why your

conservative co-worker was like

this is a bit mud

oh

sweet sweet angel he didn't know

but i gave him exactly what he asked me

for so

anyway he has only himself to blame

precisely so

then it cuts to roxy who's the female

lead and the she's running her bar

these guys come in and they're like you

need to come with us and she's like you

can [ __ ] off and so they try to grab her

she gets her back that she apparently

keeps behind her as every good barn bar

owner has they keep that bat behind the

bar and she beats the ever loving [ __ ]

out of these four massive men all of

them all of them yeah all of them and so

does she have any special skills or

she's just like no okay sorry i'm

getting ahead of myself no no i mean

it's a good question because i'm

thinking like

i mean i'm pretty s i'm fairly scrappy

generally and i do have like a little

bit like just enough to say that i have

some krav maga training but not enough

to actually be effective with any of the

skills you know what i mean

i

i know everyone doesn't know hannah but

hannah does say you're gonna catch these

hands more often than the average human

so like she's not afraid to throw down

if the situation warrants we like i'll

just say that that's true i'm not afraid

of that

but i don't think i could handle four

men who were over six feet tall and over

200 pounds like i don't think that's

something that i could do right

and so who are also like

entertaining this world and like they're

equal yes

right

so she beats the [ __ ] out of them and

then her bartender's like oh no i forgot

my keys and he walks in to see her

standing over these four men and he's

like uh what and she's like help me drag

him outside so they take him back out in

the alley and she calls the cops and

she's like come get him and hangs up

and then yeah so anyway fast forwarding

a little bit because i'm not gonna do

chapter by chapter the four vipers

decide they're gonna go get her

themselves so they show up she attempts

to beat the [ __ ] out of the four of them

and is unsuccessful so they then take

her and lock her in a room in their

apartment their loft thing that's

apparently massive and multiple floors

because they're super wealthy mafia

people as all mafia people are

they all just have these like very

secure locked room super secure yeah

always to just put a woman in right like

that's the whole purpose of the condo

is to have

a space to keep the woman that you have

kidnapped and not to be confused with

abducted

so

because it's human on a human

she was kidnapped

she does not leave the surface of the

earth

therefore

all right but vampires are on earth

vampires don't go to space now i have

more questions i know but if they're not

going to space then it's a kidnapping i

thought it was if it wasn't a human

space is now the determining factor not

species

i mean i guess but then that raises the

question of if it's an astronaut or jeff

bezos like does it still count if jeff

bezos takes you to space is it

technically an abduction honestly i'm

going to say yes because i would put

money on him being a lizard person

you know

he probably owns at least one or two

skin suits

that's the only logical conclusion i

would guess seven like a days of the

week underwear you know

and each one just has a tattoo of what

day you wear that skin suit this is my

monday skin suit you can see the chest

piece that labels it as such

so i hate everything about this yeah

anyway they lock roxy in the secure room

where they kidnapped not abducted her

correct

so she flips out she destroys the room

and

um

yeah

and then uh so lots of things continue

to go awry and they decide to leave her

with the youngest of the vipers his name

is kenzo

they decided to leave her with kenzo

and so obviously they [ __ ] right they

decided to play strip poker and she's

like

you're a cheater because he's obviously

the bookmaker right he's the the bookie

of the whole thing

they each have different jobs each of

the four so he's like you have to pull

your weight in the mafia obviously

so obviously they [ __ ]

and

[Laughter]

it's super rough and a lot

and of course when they finish there is

diesel

jacking it having watched the whole

thing

[ __ ] diesel [ __ ] diesel right zero

part of me is surprised by this right so

then she's all i didn't even want it and

diesel's like don't even lie did you say

stop or did you say no and she's like no

and he's like okay then [ __ ] off like

you're not going to do that kenzo is

really sweet and he would feel bad if he

felt like he coerced you

you gave consent implying that the rest

of them would not give a single flying

[ __ ] if she didn't want it you know like

that's the implication which is a little

gross but anyway so it continues then

you find out that garrett who is the

largest of the four

um so question because this is a

pertinent question when it comes to when

we say he's the largest of the four

is all of it yes okay

i'm like is that height is that way is

that

like

how well endowed he is you can just say

penis i don't know in my head i was like

i forgot the word

i was like you know you're junk and i

was like what's the technical word for

junk so instead i said he's well and

dead

so

hold on

of all the words to forget when

recording

us on my podcast listen it's the first

one we're still making our way through

we're really trying you guys so anyway

garrett who is the largest in all ways

of the four turns out that he hates

women deeply and does not want roxy to

touch him or be anywhere near him but

roxy is like roaming the apartment now

she's no longer locked in the room and

she got mad because writer who is the

leader of the four right

kidnapped her she's pissed about it we

have writer

we have kenzo kenzo and they are blood

brothers writer and kinser are blood

brothers yes and then there's diesel

diesel and then there's the the

well-endowed guy who is garrett garrett

yes he has a really normal name he does

compared to the others it's like okay

like we just ran out of steam on the

fourth one you know writer is that what

yeah i mean right you're strong you did

play

shawn

on boy meets world and he always joked

about how his name would be great if he

ever went into porn because his name is

ryder strong

well he's correct about that yeah he

really

i mean he missed his calling going into

television acting right i'm so

disappointed um but anyway that sounded

weird and i'm sorry i said you're like

you know i really do wish sean from boy

meets world had gone into porn that i'm

really disappointed thank you so much

for explaining that further because

that's exactly what i hoped would happen

anyway

so

roxy's obviously pissed that she's been

kidnapped and kept in this house or oh

excuse me apartment whatever

so

she goes exploring and busts into

writer's room and he is the one that's

always in like the custom suits right

like that's his shtick

so she destroys

all of his suits like she finds some

scissors and just cuts them up

ev everything and then she finds all of

his casual clothing all of his workout

clothing all of his underwear

she destroys all of it

so then that takes time it does and she

had it because kenzo was on the phone

obviously because kenzo's on the phone

and she's locked in a luxury apartment

condo right so where is she gonna go

what's she gonna do so she then

is running from ryder because she's like

oh [ __ ] me that was probably a poor

choice

to taunt the mafia

boss that has me kidnapped and locked in

his [ __ ] apartment so she's running

and then she realizes this after the

fact after the fact 100

so then she's running and she runs into

garrett and like tries to hide behind

him and he's like you shouldn't do that

i will never protect you blah

and like tries to throw her out of the

room and it's a whole thing and he has

scars all over him which is relevant

later but he's like covered in like

these horrible scars and she's like i'm

kind of into that and he's like the [ __ ]

out so

obviously that doesn't escalate

but eventually

what okay sorry i didn't mean to make a

face but she's like i'm kind of into

that and i'm like what isn't she into is

really what i'm

nice people

[Music]

men who treat her well is what she's not

into like kindness and basic human

compassion she's not into it

at all

in fact she's like nah

so

not not to therapize her just not

delicate

but i mean

oh we'll get into her history later it

all makes sense so anyway

so

um she's developing these relationships

with these men right and they are all

warning her

away from diesel if you hear this right

now no one is using the restroom i was

pouring a glass of wine from a boat a

box and i didn't realize the mic would

pick it up um we aren't sponsored by

buddha box but it'd be a lot cooler if

we were so

poured a glass of that nighthawk black

dark malbec from argentina rip writing

smooth [ __ ]

you know i was like oh she's just coming

up with those words she's like those are

her tasting notes and i was like oh

they're on the box i wasn't but they are

great tasting notes

so

so anyway you know what it is ripe rich

and smooth

ryder

writer's dick

precisely okay and really good job

remembering the word for it i'm really

proud thank you i've been practicing

so

yeah so she's developing these

relationships with these four men and

they're starting to trust her more and

like take her out places and stuff

and um buying her lots of clothes and

makeup and stuff like that

and

they're all warning her against diesel

and they've been kind of like dancing

around each other but they're all the

other guys are like listen

you might not survive him like

straight up like sexually or just

actually okay

like you might not survive him

which

as a woman

those are not the words i want to hear

about a potential sexual partner you

might not so i know you find him

arousing right you won't survive this so

like but but

not for just the reason that like in

general i don't want to die

more than that

in my experience with men generally um

when they promise you like you might not

survive it it's gonna be like

disappointing

they're like you've never seen one this

large and you're like

you're right because it's not that large

i have seen them that are that large

right like last week honey come on now

so anyway good

good for your husband

good good for matt i was gonna say that

would be my response back in the whole

phase i am happily married now so we

don't live like that anymore but anyway

my poor husband so sorry honey

so anyway

uh she eventually winds up in diesel's

dungeon because he has one and watches

him

like kill a dude and apparently she's

real into that

which is like um okay oh is this gonna

be like one of those scenes where they

like

start boning next to the dead body and

they're like and then like the blood

touched my foot and it increased my

arousal i'm like that no it's so much

worse than that oh so let me explain

okay so much worse i'm here let me

explain hold on i need i need a sip

before we get there because except of

your rich

rice dark malbec

the nighthawk black boda box

it's not a soda hannah

oh [ __ ] so anyway

they killed this guy right

and diesel

[Music]

so roxy and deep wait does roxie help

diesel kill the guy or she just watches

him kill the guy uh she helps a little

bit but not a lot

and he at first diesel's super upset

because she's like what are you doing

and why are you doing that

and he's like are you protecting him and

she's like no i just am like you know

you're not gonna enjoy it as much like

if it goes too fast or something and i'm

like what is happening right now and he

like puts some kind of weird clam thing

on the guy's dick and like shreds it off

or something it's so it's a lot

to deal with it's a lot to deal with and

so then eventually diesel's like i'm

bored now and i'd really like to [ __ ]

you so he lights a guy on fire

oh my god

yeah okay he's like i got the

information i want and now i'm bored so

he lights campfire which is

coincidentally how he got the name

diesel because he's super into fire so

because he's an arsonist right and

what i really appreciate about that is

just the nuance

you know like the nuance of the name

obviously

and i really like that like

i like the author's attention to detail

i like that kay knight was like oh

no i'm gonna name him diesel because

he's into fire right right kind of like

every book where they're like he's gonna

be named liam black and he only wears

black suits and i'm like and he has the

darkest eyes always right

but also then like i appreciate that and

then also i really appreciate that she

then was like you know this one is gonna

be named garrett because i got it off of

a baby naming website

like like so i ran through my fun list

of name options

with kenzo diesel and ryder so i just

opened a baby name generator and i

landed on garrett

exactly

so

so the guy is like hanging from a meat

hook obviously because that is the

method of choice for most torture when

you're doing it right

so

he just cuts the body down and then ties

her up on the same meat hook that he

just like barbecued a guy

the man who he just like shredded his

dick yeah and lit him on fire

he's like okay well this is also an

assembly line so like right removing the

burned body putting up roxy precisely

okay yeah

so then he starts like cutting her

because they're into blood play and he

still has the blood

from the guy that he just killed on his

hands and i'm like listen and she's

talking about how like

like slippery you know like i hate that

word but that's the word that is used i

hate that word deeply the more i read

smut the more my list of words that i

find like like shutter inducing it grows

no there are some words that you're

reading a scene and you're like you know

like

this is erotic like i get why people

would be aroused and then there's a word

and you're like oh god you're like i

like the juices from flats and i'm like

no one needs slap no one needs juices no

one

like whatever arousal did exist is gone

when you read those words i mean when i

think of slippery i think of like a like

a

i forget the word for

a an animal that is both water-based and

land-based what is that amphibious

amphibious of like an otter or a seal or

something when i think of slippery

that's what i think of and i don't want

to think of that when i'm reading smut

generally but anyway like so garrett

hooked roxie up to a measles no oh

you're right am i bad not garrett diesel

takes her up to a meat hook

and the blood was slippery yes his hands

were slippery from the blood

from the burned body the yeah you're

right this is more like i was like oh

yeah like they're like boning next to

the body and like some blood touches

it's more and it gets worse so then so

also the guy that he killed apparently

tried to kill garrett which is why like

he had apparently been hired to kill the

four so that's why he was being tortured

and killed because they were trying to

figure out who it was and

just for the sake of the plot that

obviously everyone is listening for

it was the triad obviously who is their

competitor in the town spoilers i know

i know the triad i was like okay

all right

so anyway

so they're banging but he's like cutting

her up right

and

he apparently gets into like a frenzy

and she's like you don't want to kill me

diesel like then all your fun would be

over and he's like oh my god you're

right i should stop so when he gets too

aroused he

okay yeah he gets a little too excited

so her her complete submission is

required right for him to not kill her

apparently which okay

so then

i might and this like what is the

submission i'm like yes i would like to

not be killed here so i feel like

whatever you ask me to say i'm probably

going to submit to i'm probably i think

i'm adding too much nuance into this

scene but also she's super into it

apparently so then and this is where

like

we should have said probably at the

beginning although the title of the

podcast should kind of indicate this is

not for children or anyone under the age

of 18 but if you have any sort of weak

constitution or

i don't know qualms of any kind you

should probably just fast forward

through the next 30 seconds because he

then takes a the handle of a knife the

knife that he was using to cut her up

and like puts it in her ass right okay

or at least it was the handle

well

until oh yeah okay yeah

okay we got there until he then decides

that he's gonna [ __ ] her from behind

while the blade is still in her ass

so he is

a serious like shredding his thigh

while [ __ ] her on this knife and

again the blood is slippery

in case you forgot

blood is a liquid it is it is

and she's all like our blood is mixing

like mmm and i'm like okay all right

and that's how you get it

but okay right i'm like i think that the

blood brothers vision dies once you're

like out of middle school

yeah and then

it's just also how you get stds

right

i'm more focused

like

even if we're gonna be blood brothers

like that's a thing still as adults that

we're gonna do

it doesn't usually require

like double penetration

[Laughter]

like it feels like it's normally more of

like a handshake deal or for the blood

to be exchanged during sex you know like

that's just a level

that i feel is unnecessary but okay

so

that happens i have zero idea why your

coworker was overwhelmed by this journey

he he didn't even make it this far

enough he did it oh god bless his sweet

little heart he never survived i know

poor thing i'm really hoping that once

we get a little more like into it that

he's gonna come on because i really feel

like he needs to be here

i just wanna yeah

he should he should be here

so anyway also he just started a podcast

um reviewing movies starting with

twilight he told me they recorded the

first episode earlier this week um while

just like wicked drunk

um and it wound up being an hour and a

half long and so i texted him and asked

the name and he said we're still working

on it which i feel like

is very on brand for this particular

individual

so anyway

ryder then cuts her down and he's like

oh my god you're perfect and she's like

ryder cuts her down oh no no sorry

diesel okay diesel cuts her down and

he's like oh my god you're perfect and

she's like i know right so then he takes

her back up to the apartment hands her

off to kenzo who's like the sweet one

who takes care of her and like cleans

her up cleans the cuts yeah cleans her

up and dresses the wounds

after oh i forgot after she

gives him stitches in his thigh diesel

after she gives diesel stitches from

where he cut himself

from when the knife was yeah yeah okay

yeah and apparently while she was like

dressed up he took pictures and sent it

to the other

vipers and they were like goddamn

they were like we are not into that

[Laughter]

they're like cool so like we respect

what you're into kind of like my friend

who was like hey chelsea if you're in

to bestiality

i support you i'm not here to join you

no no no no

i'm not yeah yeah okay so they were like

hey thanks for sending these pictures

along we probably aren't going to put a

knife

handle first up her ass that's going to

cut our thighs while we bone right okay

right although

other things are inserted later

just for the record like

like sharp

no

no like a glass bottle

which is horrifying to me because i feel

like one good clinch and we're just

ruining it you break that that is like

a darwin award yeah yeah like i hope you

haven't been doing your kegels because

years ago this is going to sound weird

because of the podcast we're on um i

worked in youth ministry

[Laughter]

and i

it was like my very first week working

at this church don't mind the wine

sounds happening that rich ripe and

smooth nighthawk black dark malbec from

argentina

yes like it was like my first week

working at this church they flew me out

like go

staff this camp like meet all of my

future students

i think was our first day at camp we had

a student who brought bottle rockets

and then he thought it would be funny

also i one of my other favorite things

is his mother was on staff at the church

with me and she's awesome and hilarious

um but her son decided to launch a

bottle rocket out of his ass

but here's the thing you know the thing

about bottle rockets they shoot off and

if you get nervous and clench the bottle

rocket does not release as it does

yeah

and

for anyone who thought maybe i want to

try that i do want to let you know he

did get second-degree burns around the

rim of his [ __ ]

from

the bottle rocket that um

did not launch successfully

i guess successfully as a relative i was

going to say

i don't think it's successful if you

burn your [ __ ]

but i'm not diesel so

i feel like diesel would be like it's

not successful unless you burn your ass

i would agree i would agree so anyway

so kenzo cleans her up and then he's

like oh my god you're perfect

and she has been getting closer to

writer who likes to like randomly [ __ ]

her in his office like there's just a

lot of banging going on at this juncture

and she's starting to get closer to

garrett as well and she's like i find

your scars sexy

and he's like really and she's all yes

because they remind me of mine because

she's also covered in scars because her

father was super abusive

and she ran away when she was like 16 or

17 and then was taken in by this guy

named rich who owned the bar that she

owned eventually and he died of cancer

um oh wow what a journey it is a whole

journey it's a whole

whole journey so

anyway

so they're getting closer

she finally gets to bang garrett which

is very exciting for her because she

like chains herself to his bed because

he's like afraid of touching women

because apparently his ex-girlfriend

drugged him

and then sexually assaulted him while

like carving up his chest

holy [ __ ] man

on the day that he was gonna propose to

her

what

is even happening here i

i like i thought i was prepared i'm like

i read a lot of smut no um i don't no i

was not fully prepared for this journey

although it does put another book on my

radar that i want to review at a future

date and time

yes uh

654 pages of just wide open

like

wide open roxy's legs were wide open

they sure were

among other things so then

um

ryder discovers ps all this happens

within the span of like a week

like this is not an extended period of

time like she has been kept by them for

like a cool six days

so

[Music]

well trauma bonding or something

so

with like a sprinkle of the stockholm

syndrome like i don't know but it's not

a good look for anybody so then

ryder discovers that he is deeply in

love with her and he's very controlled

very buttoned up he's you know the

protector the leader of the group

whatever

and

so he's like

if we keep her here against her will

she'll never love us like her spirit

that we love

will wither and die

so he goes to the rest of the group and

he's like we need to let her go and

they're like because we love her we love

to let her go because we love her

and

um the other guys are like the [ __ ] and

he's like no for real like that's what

we need to do

so

it they do they do so garrett and diesel

are so upset by this revelation that

they leave

leaving kenzo and ryder to deliver the

news that she is now free

um oh i forgot they also bought her a

car at one point in the whole situation

why wouldn't they obviously yeah so

oh and i also forgot she did attempt to

escape one time and almost got away

um in writer's favorite silver mercedes

i think and so she then destroyed it

with a crowbar

after she failed to escape i

all right like once again not trying to

therapize anyone here sure but we are

therapists as well that's actually y'all

fun fact that's how we met um we worked

at the same company hannah actually

trained me

and is now no longer with the company um

yeah hannah trained me in our first week

we're both like we like to read a lot

and then we're like oh yeah like we're

like testing those waters and we're like

yeah like i you know like i read some

like

controversial like smut

and like hannah's casually like

yeah i mean like like throws out they're

like i like four psychos i was like oh

like four cycles that's great oh thank

god we can be friends

so that's where this started was that

we're just

two therapists that realize we read all

of the same smut yep

um

but yeah like

not to therapize her

would i like her to develop some

healthier coping skills outside of

property damage sure yeah

like the crowbar is a lot like the bat

at the bar but like i get like you need

that for protection and she did

fight off the four enforcers she did she

did um

so like i mean like i guess there's a

balance

and

i do feel

like everyone here is a little

emotionally reactive

i would agree to put it

very mildly

yeah yeah

[Laughter]

i would say

that you're correct and i also don't

want to be any of these characters

therapists that sounds no

although diesel is highly entertaining

and i will

tell you why

oh no so one day so okay so so she let

me finish this bit because it plays into

all this so

she

writer is unable to get the words out

that she's allowed to go so kenzo tells

her that she's free and she like takes a

beat and then she runs and gets in the

car that they bought for her and is

about to drive away and then she's like

wait a minute i love them and then she

gets out of the car

and kenzo is there and he's like i

couldn't let you go

and then um garrett and diesel show up

and they're like we're not letting you

go we would have chased you anywhere

because we love you and she's like

that's great because i love you too and

then they go back up and then ryder's

like [ __ ] so you're back all right well

now you have to be punished and then

there's like a whole scene where they

all just like use all the holes and do

all the things

and it is

a lot

yeah that's a lot

so that happens and then like two days

later

diesel oh

so diesel calls her little bird that's

important he calls her little bird i

don't know

why but that is the nickname he has

chosen for her

which coincidentally the reason why he

flipped out and set the guy on fire

that time

um

was because that time that time was

because

he said to the guy he was torturing he

was like

thank little bird for helping you or

something and the guy was like thank you

little bird and he was like what did you

say to her did you just call her little

bird and then he set him on fire

um because apparently nobody else is

allowed to call her that right

i mean that's

that wording is on diesel that he

created a confusing situation there i

mean diesel was gonna set him on fire

either way you know

you know that's valid i don't think i'm

sitting there being like

in my head i'm bargaining where i'm like

if the guy hadn't called her little bird

maybe he wouldn't have been burned i

mean his penis was already shredded like

you know he was alive

he was alive it was part of the torture

which makes me nauseous personally

and i don't even have a penis

so

roxy returns to all of them they explore

all of the holes

yes in a myriad of ways

and so then yay we're back together roxy

is staying of her own volition and then

the next day

at the breakfast table because they

always have breakfast together the next

day at the breakfast five of them have

breakfast all five okay you know it's

cute to have traditions it's important

to make sure that we're checking in with

each other regularly you know

so

diesel is like little bird i have

something to show you and like opens his

shirt and he got a tattoo of a little

bird over his heart and she's like oh

christ on a crutch like what is

happening

and he's like it's just a show that like

i'm yours and you're mine and it's like

oh but also

like okay

so anyway and there's more well like

with diesel there's clearly no

take-backs none whatsoever

like you're like oh no i've committed to

this now and when it's told from his

perspective multiple times he says like

in his head or out loud i mean i might

kill her someday but like i'm real into

it right now

okay

so anyway that happens and then um

okay so this is like my favorite scene

of the book because it's just like whoa

like what happened to you ka knight that

you thought of this

so obviously our

our listeners have not seen me i'm

pretty heavily covered in tattoos

chelsea also has several tattoos

roxy is also covered in tattoos wears a

lot of yeah she's a lot of tattoos and

wears a lot of black because she's all

edgy

and

she has a thigh piece that was not

finished and she had an appointment to

get it finished but they were like

another man will never touch you

so obviously

garrett is a very talented tattoo artist

but he only does it for fun

so of course so and he has done all the

tattoos that all the guys have

so

garrett is like i'll finish it for you

and she's like okay

but uh diesel discovers that the pain

from tattoos really turns her on like a

lot

and so she's all like squirmy and he's

garrett is like what is happening right

now and diesel's like she's wicked wet

is what's happening right now and

garrett's like the [ __ ] so then diesel

is like garrett's like garrett's not on

diesel's level he's like i was just

trying to do this tattoo i was just

trying to offer a favor he's like i'm

into the spanking situation but

this is a lot

so

the solution they come up with is like

so diesel

is hard because he's always hard and he

has roxy

basically like get on him

while garrett is finishing the tattoo

and then they know

as someone who has a decent amount of

tattoos i can unequivocally say no at no

point have i ever been like i should hop

on someone's dick

while someone has a needle

right on my skin also because like

unless you're just doing is it the

mormons that do like soaking is that

what it's called yeah like unless you're

just soaking

um

there's movement

and i don't feel like movement is what i

want to have when i'm getting a tattoo

so that's part of the whole like sexy

challenge is they're not allowed to move

throughout and then obviously when they

finish diesel does move when the tattoo

is finished i mean diesel does move and

then roxy blows garrett at the same time

this is like a spit roasting situation

yeah okay i have a very clear image of

what's happening

so anyway

that's one of my favorite scenes because

it's just from start to finish like what

the [ __ ] is happening right now

like what is happening and like why am i

reading this and what choices did i make

in my life that led me to this like

it it troubled me more than the knife in

the ass and i don't know what that says

about me but it did

have you talked to your therapist

i've talked to my therapist about a lot

of things thank you for checking so

anyway

um so then they fall into this rhythm of

not quite domestic bliss where you know

they're doing their

criminal things and

stuff

yeah they're just like they get into the

rhythm of like cool it's like we're all

still the mafia going against the triad

precisely um and now we just

have consistent sex with the same person

and before

we were the mafia with the enemies of

the triad correct who had sex with

randos correct

and um

they had not previously shared so this

was like a you know sometime like like a

like a choose your own adventure sort of

combination

situation

so that's all going on and then as often

happens in mafia

books

roxy is kidnapped

not abducted not abducted she is not

taken to space

she stayed on earth so she was kidnapped

william shatner was not involved so

i don't know why all i could think about

just now was to him the the video of him

getting off the little space capsule

thing with jeff bezos that's all i could

think about

anyway

so roxy remains on earth and is

kidnapped

by the triad

obs and it happens because the woman who

tortured garrett

shows up and

he thought that diesel had killed her

and it turns out that diesel did in fact

set her on fire so half of her face is

melted and she's missing an eye which is

a lot of

it's a lot of imagery like it's

it's a lot to drink in

so

and garrett sees her and is like what

the [ __ ] and so she gets close enough to

him to steal his phone so she then texts

roxy from garrett's phone and says i

need you at this address so she goes and

then roxy

kills a lot of people but is still in

fact kidnapped

and taken away by the triad so then

obviously all four guys are flipping the

[ __ ] out and garrett feels very

responsible for the entire situation

and

because he i guess he kind of was so

like and that guilt was not misplaced i

mean

if he was a client i would be like you

are not responsible for the choices of

others but as a book character who's

like a mafia person like it's your

[ __ ] fault dude like where's your

situational awareness you know but

anyway

so

all the guys are flipping out they're

trying to figure out where she is

through all of this it is then exposed

that ryder killed his and kenzo's dad

who was super abusive and their mom had

committed suicide

it's all very tragic

and so

oh and we also find out that diesel's

mom was a drug addict who

like sold him to men

a lot when he was younger

and then

she oh you mean he didn't just wake up

loving to set people on fire he didn't

because then what happened was his mom

apparently owed a dealer a lot of money

and so he raped and killed her and then

set her on fire and diesel was like

found her and then he went on a rampage

and found the guy that did that and then

set him on fire and then his dick got

hard and then

he just loved setting people on fire

ever since

i would assume although it's not

explicitly stated i would assume that

that was the course of events

so

they're all flipping out and then they

figure out that roxy is being kept by

the triad at

the hotel where ryder killed

their dad all right that they had then

left abandoned okay question just so i

know

is this now the finale of the book we're

getting close okay because i was like i

was like i know it's a long book but in

my head i was like this doesn't feel

like it's going to happen at the 50

percent margin no we're very near the

end here okay

um so

this is honestly like my favorite part

of the book because it is actually

[ __ ] hilarious so roxy wakes up

upside down attached to a meat hook like

swinging around in a basement somewhere

which on its own is not funny but what

is funny is roxy's thought process

because she's like swinging around and

she's looking around the room trying to

figure out where she is and if she's

like

diesel is one of the dudes i'm in love

with i feel very comfortable on a meat

hook we'll get there oh god

because she's swinging around and she

sees like a

a porno magazine has been like like put

up on the wall and she's like she has

nice tits focus roxy

and it's like wow

and then

the triad guy comes in

and she's like

this is not the way to start torture

because i'm gonna pass out from being

upside down for so long like you guys

are doing it wrong

and so he brings in this guy who's also

apparently a

an expert in torture or something and

obviously he has like a blue mohawk or

some [ __ ] and another guy who's like his

assistant and so they cut roxy down they

tie her to a chair

and they

like she's passed out again so they come

in she wakes up and she's like hey

everybody

my uh safe word is bubbles is everybody

ready to get started

and i'm like

i love this and i know that i shouldn't

like

like implicitly i know that i shouldn't

but i really do

like my safe word is bubbles and i use

that all the time and most people don't

know that like they don't they don't

know what it's you mean when you

casually say my safe word is bubbles in

daily life people aren't suddenly like

oh [ __ ] you're a k a night fan

i 100 said that like in our

group chat one day at work we were

talking about

something i don't remember

i don't remember what we were talking

about but i was like that sounds like

torture for the record my safe word is

bubbles

and nobody responded to that and then i

felt weird about it but it was already

done so anyway

when i think when i hear bubbles i think

of the powerpuff girls

so like that is where i'm like my

favorite is bubbles because i'm super

into the powerpuff girls is literally

how i'm imagining that

that too and then obviously the guy is

like i'm a torture person like there is

no safe word

so then he tortures her

a lot is she into it

no okay no in fact she just continues to

taunt him she's like you're doing it

wrong like you're obviously an amateur

like diesel's better

sorry

which is like okay all right

uh

anyway

so the guys figure out where she is

and they are going to mount a rescue

and for whatever reason they decide that

it should only be the four of them even

though they have like

hundreds of people who work for them

they're like no

we're gonna storm this hotel and take on

the triad on our own to be fair

their enforcers were taken out

by a young girl with a bat

so i don't fault their logic yeah yeah

that's fair that's fair so they're in

the car getting ready to go in

and diesel is like

bouncing like like like super excited

and they're like dude are you okay like

what is happening you're being weirder

than normal and he was like it's all

good man i just shot myself with some

adrenaline i'm ready to go

and then they like look back at him and

he is he's wearing a fanny pack

um

that has a glitter unicorn on it

all right

so

hmm

so

the guys are like what is happening with

the fanny pack right now because

obviously that's the most important

thing like they know roxy's being held

and tortured

by the triad right now but like

we need to know what's up with the

[ __ ] fanny pack right like yeah yeah

we'll get to

her but before then can we ask about the

sequence precisely okay um and he's like

uh it's just my case of emergency stuff

don't worry about it and they're like

all right i guess so they storm in lots

of things go boom they kill lots of

people they rescue roxy but she heard

them coming for her so she like got

herself out of the chair and killed the

assistant guy who

uh the assistant to the torturer guy

and uh because obviously she had like

all of her toenails forcibly removed but

she was able to then

get out of a chair by dislocating her

shoulder and then take on a man who's

like three times her size obviously

so

with barbed wire still like in her

skin

so

they get her and then they're like cool

now we gotta get out so it's the whole

thing they're trying to get out

and then

roxy then notices the fanny pack

um but while they're hiding behind a

table being shot at which is obviously

the opportune moment to ask what is up

with the fanny pack and he is like she's

like what are you what are you keeping

in there and he's like

grenades and sometimes tacos and she's

like um

what and he's like sometimes i get

peckish midfield

so

i have been on a perpetual

search for a

sequined fanny pack with a unicorn on it

ever since we can make you one

we can just like get a sequin fanny pack

and a unicorn patch

i don't

think that this is out of our wheelhouse

to

come to to bring to fruition i mean i

don't know

i mean

i guess i could keep tacos in it i don't

have regular access to grenades

but i mean there's multiple pockets

usually right so like you have a taco

pocket you have a grenade pocket

they don't go in the same pocket cause

that's bad news bears and nothing good

happens when you keep grenades and tacos

in the same pocket that is so true

that is so true

so i do think my husband just overheard

us and found an 11

unicorn fanny pack that

is covered in sequins yeah it says cute

kids travel waste bag

waist back

christmas gift for girls

helpful

like does it look like something that

you would get for five dollars at

walmart yes is this 11 on amazon so [ __ ]

you jeff bezos

also yes

so

i don't know if you guys have noticed

but i feel it's really important to

point out at this juncture

the secondary purpose for this podcast

is to mock jeff bezos

i didn't know that until now but like

now that we're here i'm on board it

feels right

you know yeah no it does i'm like jeff

also have you seen pictures of him

recently and like

you have been [ __ ] lifting

but is that what's happening i think

because he's just gotten new skin suits

it is his tuesday skin suit that's what

it is he hasn't been lifting

on wednesdays he gets a little shrimpy

again but tuesdays were from a

bodybuilder right right right

yes so

they he

they rescue her she has

she sees the unicorn fanny pack and is

like thank you but also we do need to

address this and he's like right yeah

grenades and tacos i still don't see

what the problem is precisely so then

um they split up i don't remember why

but i'm sure there was a very reasonable

explanation

so garrett and kenzo go up to the roof

the others are looking for the

member of the triad the leader of the

triad who's in the place and they kill

him um

kind of brutally and then the torturer

guy decides to come at them with a

chainsaw and diesel just sort of trips

him like it's not even like a like a

fight he just kind of trips him and he

falls to his death

which

felt anticlimactic to me but okay well

like

given all of the other things that

people have survived in this book it

does feel like

a few stairs isn't where you thought it

was going to go well it was like off a

balcony oh i should have said that it

was off a balcony but it was inside it

was like an internal balcony like over a

courtyard yeah

i guess i mean that would still hurt

yeah it wouldn't be great i mean i i

wouldn't do that voluntarily

personally unless there's a trampoline

under it

or a pool you know with a deep end i do

feel like that's a

common scene in action movies where they

all like jump into the pool as the

building is exploding behind them but

that's not what happened in this book

and this book just

he

went over the balcony and i died yeah um

but since there's since diesel was there

i assume that there might be the

opportunity for fire

um not yet because then they're hot

then they're like wait a minute where

are kenzo and garrett so it turns out

kenzo has been stabbed on the roof

and garrett has been kidnapped so

they're like oh my stars we have to help

kenzo i mean they didn't say oh my stars

because that's not really the tone

no it does seem like something they'd

say

we're a bunch of mafia kings but this

silly [ __ ] kenzo

yeah no that's not

that's not like the vibe that they're

going for you know valid fair enough um

that's just me

so

they get kenzo out they get him to a

doctor and then they're like we have to

save garrett oh

so then they go on this like rampage

killing all the triad people like all

the people who work for the triad

and then they kill another one of the

triads so it's three brothers obviously

because it's tri means three so

triad

like the triad believe it or not is not

four guys no three guys it is not in

fact a quad so

three guys so they kill him and then the

one at the that had kidnapped roxy and

then they kill another one trying to

find garrett

and it turns out that the ex-girlfriend

who had attempted to kill garrett

previously and that diesel then set on

fire had made a deal with the triad to

take down the vipers so that she could

torture and kill garrett

for whatever reason she like really did

not like him but like i guess but

garrett was not the one who set her on

fire so i do feel like some of her anger

might be a little misplaced i would

agree yeah valid yeah yeah so

anyway

they then go in to rescue garrett

from the triad and then they kill the

other triad guy um and then they blow up

the whole [ __ ] house like

so so diesel does get us fire like all

that happens

and then they're like oh my god we

love you and then they're recovering

and

they give

roxy her bar back because she really

wanted her business but they help her

turn it into a franchise and they're

like oh my god we love you and then they

build a house that does have a dungeon

but it is only for play

they're very clear about that's good you

know way to set boundaries around your

dungeon right if you want to do more

serious things there you do need to

build a second one that's not what this

one is for so the intention is for the

work torture to occur

at the um building that they owned with

the apartment that was in it that his

original dungeon like the og dungeon is

where business occurs

the home dungeon

is for pleasure

if you can call it that

so

uh yeah and then the epilogue is that

they um threaten a judge with bodily

harm to get him to marry the the five of

them even though that's really not legal

like here's the thing even if they

threaten a judge with bodily harm i

don't think that like no that's actually

possible no we can't file the paperwork

for that yeah no i feel like that's

gonna get

bogged down in the court system and just

all of the paperwork hell

when my husband and i got married

my all right so my mother

her mother was like why would i give my

daughter a middle name if she's just

gonna get rid of it when she gets

married and so my mother never had a

middle name growing up mine doesn't

either

is that the reason

i don't know i think my grandmother was

just too drunk to worry about it

well so my mom doesn't have a maiden

name

um she doesn't have a baby no not

nothing she doesn't have a milk she

doesn't have a middle number very much

she was just like cher

just the one thing kristen

she's just

kristin

see ya

um

and when we when my husband and i were

trying to get married and had to fill

out like our like application

they like we were at the courthouse and

they were like i'm sorry we can't accept

this unless we have your middle your

mother's middle name list and i was like

she doesn't have one like i have nothing

to put there and they're like whoo

that is a problem and i was like so like

my mother not having a middle name

growing up almost stopped my husband and

i from getting a marriage license so i

don't feel like just being like just

because we threatened this judge like i

don't think that the court system is

suddenly going to view a five-person

marriage as legal like no offense like

live your life sure love is love

obviously

and blood play is blood blood

and and consent is optional apparently

apparently indented vipers consent is um

it's more of a moving target it's

implied

she was into it once right so now she's

always into it it's implied okay um

which is horrifying to think about and

i'm really sorry i brought it up anyway

so the epilogue they threaten to kill a

judge they can all legally get married

yeah and then i guess they live happily

ever after and that is deniverse okay so

how do we rate nintendo vipers as a

whole

so because of diesel's love of fire

i'm gonna say

like five flame emojis

five flame emojis five flames out of how

many flame emojis

seven

oh damn

[Music]

five out of seven i'm not great at math

i can't do that math either frankly i

made that up it's like 71

yeah

so i mean it is a journey right from

start to finish what do you mean that's

not right surely that's not right

i put it on my calculator your your

husband is trying to check it right now

that's why i'm just trying to check it

because we all know like y'all i was

once at an escape room and some 71. okay

i did it right um 71 like 0.4 or

something like that yeah i was once had

an escape room where there was some

basic math involved and i did all of the

math and i second guess myself and you

know like when you're at an escape room

and you don't have to use a clue like

you don't have to ask for one but like

every now and then they'll just like

give you one to be like this will make

it easier yeah they were like here's the

math baby girl you did not thrive at

this

um and they were not wrong

yeah i mean i came a therapist for a

very specific reason and and that reason

is that i don't have to do math

unless you're doing like assessments no

and so

my way around that is just not doing it

i've never run into that issue because i

don't do them

yeah

that's fair i have interns do them

and that is what i call a learning

opportunity

for interns i'm a gatekeeper for the

profession thank you you're welcome okay

without me you would not have such great

clinical experience

precisely okay so yeah five out of seven

flame emojis

[Music]

it is a journey from start to finish

and there is humor in there and

so the the reason that it's not like a

seven out of seven at this juncture

would be that like

like what the [ __ ] though like

like the reason it's not a seven out of

seven is because like did you hear the

review of the book i just gave

i mean

so it's highly entertaining so if we're

looking at entertainment value only like

you will read this book and you'll go

through it so fast that at the end

you'll be like what the [ __ ] just

happened to me unless we're your

co-worker and then we'll get like a few

pages and then be like

i'm out it's a little too much for me

but anyway it's highly entertaining the

story is

ridiculous but also like kind of fun

so you know like that's

that's it that's i don't have i don't

know what else to say about that yeah so

what i essentially hear saying is if

you're into mafia reverse harem and

blood play

this is an ideal book for you

yes and i really appreciate that you

used your reflective listening skills

just then

yes and that is where the therapy part

comes into this i just active listen

through most of them and my reflective

listen you did and you nailed it and i'm

really proud of you

i'm not taking new clients

for the record

yeah we're hoping this becomes our

livelihood so if everybody could

subscribe that'd be awesome yes please

like please subscribe please leave a

five star review if you find us funny

and if you don't find us funny don't

leave a review we would only like five

star reviews and

nothing else so just like keep your

negative thoughts to yourself yeah or

just leave a five star review and don't

write anything with it

because

great compromise because like do you

really want people like us being

therapists at this point like now that

you've heard this

honestly you need to give this to us

because this is who we are

in the therapy room and also out of the

happy road for the good of the masses

yes so with that

um

good night and good luck

i think i think you know we covered as

much as we're going to cover this

episode is that what we did yeah i think

we did i have no idea how long i talked

so

[Laughter]

you covered that book

thoroughly i left out so much too oh no

i did so if you want to know more like

obviously read it i guess

or find hannah on social media i'll tell

you i get excited so yes all right

we love you guys we don't know you yet

but we love you mm-hmm

thank you for listening and we hope you

have a wonderful rest of your day yep

bye